#3140 Crappens Rewind: RHONY: Escape from Lu-catraz

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Episode #3140: Crappens Rewind: RHONY: Escape from Lu-catraz

Date: January 2, 2026
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Podcast: Watch What Crappens (Wondery)

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious Crappens Rewind, Ben and Ronnie take a deep dive into a classic episode of "The Real Housewives of New York" (RHONY), specifically the infamous “Escape from Lu-catraz” – the Luann de Lesseps arrest episode. The hosts revel in all the delicious absurdity, focusing on Luann’s legal troubles, salty friendship drama, and the small, priceless details that only true Housewives fans can appreciate. Their playful, irreverent banter pokes fun at the cast’s misadventures (and each other), blending sharp impressions, inside jokes, and genuine affection for the Bravo universe.

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Main Themes

• Luann’s Arrest and the Fallout: Endless glee and disbelief over Luann’s Palm Beach arrest, SLIPPING OUT OF HANDCUFFS, and the cast’s reactions.
• Salt Shaker Injuries & Real Housewives Calamities: Dorinda’s salt shaker mishap and the tradition of bizarre injuries among Housewives.
• Petty Drama & Friendships: Bethenny vs. Carol, Bethenny vs. Dorinda, and the endless tangle of who’s mad at whom, why, and if they’ve apologized enough.
• Sonia’s Quarantine & Veganism: Sonia’s makeshift hazmat zone and her ever-shifting food rules.
• Ramona’s Skincare Empire: Satirical play-by-play of Ramona’s anti-aging “infomercial,” with plenty of classic Ramona delusion.
• Crime Scene Goers & Housewives Logic: The cast’s very special relationship with Palm Beach, criminal records, and their own creative vocabularies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Bits & Luann's Mugshot Magic (00:45 – 05:03)

• Dorinda’s “Previously On” Voiceover: The guys lampoon Dorinda’s raspy “hungover” intro, imagining her being prodded awake with a sunshine plate (01:20).
• Luann’s Jail Footage: Ben and Ronnie cackle at Bravo’s hard cut from “hogtying” in the police car to RHONY’s glam opening credits:

  “Literally from ‘I’m going to hogtie you’ to ‘Success in New York is only a matter of your high heels!’" – Ben (01:37)

• Nutcrackers & Narco Jokes: A running bit riffs on Luann’s “nutcracker” debacle and escalates into “El Chapo the Nutcracker,” complete with fake Spanish song parodies and wild fake casts (03:01–04:22).

2. Dorinda’s Salt Shaker Saga & Housewives Injuries (05:54 – 07:37)

• Dorinda appears on crutches, explaining that a “Christef salt shaker” fell on her foot—making her the latest in a long line of unfortunate, highly specific Housewives injuries (06:12).
  • “I deserve it!” – Ronnie, channeling Dorinda’s self-pity (06:41)
• Ben visualizes Dorinda on a rolling ladder, searching out the infamous salt shaker, and likens her injury to a game of “Clue.”
  • “It was Christopher with a salt shaker in the kitchen!” – Ben (07:14)

3. Luann’s Arrest – Reactions, Giggling, and Denial (07:53 – 09:52)

• The hosts dissect how each cast member responds:
  • Carol’s faux-concern and the ever-present Botox smile.
  • Tinsley bemoaning that she “missed the coolest thing happening” in tiny Palm Beach.
  • Ramona, ever-the-diplomat, whispers, “Luann’s away… on vacation” (10:30).
• The absurdity of the show’s nonchalant soundtrack playing over talk of four felonies and assaulting a police officer—a perfect RHONY juxtaposition.

4. Friendship Drama: Who Said Thank You and Who Didn’t? (13:08 – 15:06 / 20:29 – 21:14)

• Dorinda is stung that Bethenny didn’t “thank her enough” for the Nutcracker gift, with much back-and-forth pettiness over who said what, when, and in front of whom.
  • “I don’t even want to see a nutcracker again. Now I’m seeing nutcrackers everywhere. It’s Christmas!” – Dorinda (37:43)
• Ramona’s tendency to lie and deflect – “Ramona is just full of lies. When Ramona’s quiet, you know she’s lying because Ramona is never quiet.” – Ben (14:17)

5. Bethenny & Carol: The Slow Drip to Friendship Meltdown (24:34 – 36:41 & 45:57 – 56:47)

• Bethenny and Carol’s relationship unraveling, discussed with their signature impressions.
  • Bethenny’s “I miss you… you seem cold” text, critiqued as self-sabotage (29:39).
  • Carol’s complaints about Bethenny’s “dismissive, aggressive vibe”—

    “Are you just becoming friends with Bethenny? That’s her love language!” – Ben (48:15)

• Their lunch devolves into debate over texting boundaries, gossip, and who’s been talking behind whose back.
  • Bethenny: “I’m allowed! I’m allowed, okay?” (51:03)
  • Carol demands: “She had no respect for what I just said.” (52:40)
• The hosts get meta about Bravo’s editing, noting a Jurassic World promo appears as Carol and Bethenny spar like dinosaurs (49:25).

6. Ramona’s Anti-Aging Mock-Infomercial (24:41 – 28:44)

• Ronnie’s epic Ramona impression skewers her claims of “reverse aging like Benjamin Button,” entrepreneurial origin stories, and peddling “Ageless by Ramona” with the seriousness of a QVC legend.
  • “I’m a maven of intelligence. I’m a cheesecake maven!” – Ronnie as Ramona (28:36)
• Observing Ramona’s shifting narrative about citrus, anti-aging, and her childhood nemesis, Geraldine Parsons Smith.

7. Sonia’s Quarantine and Vegan Comedy (21:25 – 22:52, 34:01 – 36:19)

• Sonia’s apartment under renovation, living in what Ben calls “E.T./Poisonwood Bible realness,” self-sufficient in her plastic sleep zone.
• Her identity shifts during Bethenny’s Skinnygirl Jeans party—proclaims veganism seconds before devouring oysters and shrimp because “it’s raw” (35:29).
  • “I’m vegan now… I allow seafood because it’s raw.” – Sonia (35:53)
• Sonia devours the display seaweed, dances with the buffet guy, and beams, “It’s a delicacy!” (36:01).

8. Skinnygirl Party, Emotions, and Making Up (30:35 – 40:36)

• Bethenny's anxiety about Carol, and the cast convening for her Skinnygirl Jeans launch.
• Dorinda and Bethenny attempt to clear the air over the Nutcracker drama, throw Carol and Ramona under the bus, and ultimately achieve a truce:
  • “You saved Christmas, and that’s the truth, okay? So can we just hug?” – Bethenny (40:30)
  • "Can you give me your lightweight salt shaker, please?" – Ben imitating Bethenny's peace offering (40:44)

9. “Crime Scene Goers” & Palm Beach Folly (41:44 – 44:43 / 59:16 – 64:29)

• The term “crime scene goer” is born as Dorinda theorizes Luann just had to return to Palm Beach out of compulsion, making her a “crime scene goa,” and audiences everywhere howl.
• Ben and Ronnie riff on how literally everyone’s had a mugshot (Luann, Sonja, etc.), and the hosts plug their real-life Palm Beach live show, branding themselves “crime scene re-goers.”
• Luann’s call from rehab: a laundry list of self-punishing, nostalgic stops in Palm Beach – retracing wedding steps, sitting in the same seats, and heartbreak.
  • “Why? Why? I watched Friends on the plane. That’s what I did with Tom. Why would I do that?” – Ronnie as Luann (60:49)
• Dorinda’s advice: “Don’t ever go back to Palm Beach. That’s not a vacation destination for you anymore.” (61:10)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Countess and Friends includes so many people: Cheyenne Jackson… El Chapo.” – Ben (03:01)
• “If I have to hear Bethenny make another joke about Chicago weather, I’m just going to drive off this bridge right now.” – Ronnie as Kevin (05:46)
• “I deserve it. I deserve it.” – Ronnie, channeling Dorinda's self-flagellation (06:41)
• “It was Christopher with a salt shaker in the kitchen.” – Ben riffing Clue (07:14)
• “She says she was self-medicating after the divorce. I was addicted to anti-aging cream.” – Ronnie as Ramona (12:27)
• “She got out of her handcuffs!… I learned that one from El Chapo.” – Ben mocking Luann’s escape (17:08)
• “I want to have a lemonade stand. And to this day, I can't listen to Beyonce’s album.” – Ronnie as Ramona (26:25)
• “I’m a maven of intelligence. Okay? I’m a cheesecake maven.” – Ronnie as Ramona (28:36)
• “My favorite part was the handcuffs… in my mind, she escaped and she’s running across the lawn screaming, 'I’m gonna kill you all!'” – Ben (47:33)
• “Are you just becoming friends with Bethenny? That’s her love language!” – Ben (48:15)
• “You saved Christmas, and that’s the truth, okay? So can we just hug now?” – Bethenny impression (40:30)
• “I went to Dave & Buster’s by myself. I did skee ball. I always did skee ball with Tom. Why did I do that?” – Ronnie as Luann (61:01)
• “The hardest thing was calling my children… ‘No Taco Tuesday this week, I’m in jail.’” – Ronnie as Luann (64:02)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:20 — Dorinda’s “hungover” intro voiceover parody
• 05:54 — Dorinda’s salt shaker injury story
• 13:08 — Dorinda and Ramona discuss party/lie revelations
• 22:16 — Sonia’s tent-city plastic and underwear-sorting
• 24:41 — Ramona’s skincare infomercial lampooned
• 29:39 — Bethenny explains disastrous “I miss you… you seem cold” text to Carol
• 37:28 — Bethenny and Dorinda make up ("You saved Christmas… so can we just hug?")
• 41:44 — New Housewives designation: “crime scene goer”
• 47:33 — Carol relishes the “handcuffs escape” story
• 51:03 — Bethenny and Carol’s texting dispute (“I’m allowed! I’m allowed!”)
• 55:53 — Shift in sympathy from Carol to Bethenny (Ronnie: “Okay, Carol, enough!”)
• 59:16 — Sonia moves into Tinsley’s hotel penthouse
• 61:01 — Luann’s laundry list of sad “returns” to old Palm Beach haunts

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Tone & Language

• Playful, irreverent, affectionate roasting: The hosts lovingly mock both the cast and each other, using impressions, exaggeration, and sharp comedic timing.
• Quirky in-jokes and improv bits: Ongoing riffs like “El Chapo Nutcracker” or “crime scene goers” get increasingly elaborate the more they’re discussed.
• Bravo-obsessed fans for Bravo-obsessed listeners: Recaps assume deep familiarity with cast history, quirks, and the wider Bravo-verse.

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Summary For New Listeners

This Crappens Rewind is a treat for RHONY fans and newcomers alike: Ben and Ronnie blister through the zany highs of the “Lu-catraz” episode, infusing sharp recaps with their signature impressions and absurdist tangents. Whether it's Dorinda's salt shaker saga, Bethenny and Carol's friendship breakdown, Sonia's ever-changing food rules and quarantine chic, or Luann's slapstick escape artistry, they wring comedy gold from every storyline while playfully skewering (but never quite hating) their beloved Real Housewives. If you missed the actual episode, this recap captures every bizarre twist with a healthy dose of laughter and love for “Ye Olde Bravs.”

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For more: Follow Watch What Crappens for fresh Bravo recaps, bonus content, and live shows—just maybe not in Palm Beach.

Transcript

[A]

Who cares what happens when there's so much what happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens?

[B]

Hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Ye Olde Bravs. I'm Ronnie Caram and here I am with the gorgeous Ben Mandelker, my co host, my Internet life partner, my bff. Hi, Ben. Hi.

[A]

I'm great, thanks.

[B]

How are you? I'm doing good. It's Real Housewives of New York day, so that's always a good time for me, Ben.

[A]

Oh, such a good time for all of us.

[B]

Now it's time for Real Housewives of New York. Real Housewives. I know this is going to be a good episode because the previously is narrated by. Not narrated, but intro'd by Dorinda and she's trying to sound like Carol, which is really weird. She's like, I'm the real asshole. Actual kid. I was like, did you ask Dorinda to do this after 20 packs of cigarettes? It's like they just woke Dorinda up off the ground somewhere. Like, will you record this?

[A]

Yes. She is like hungover. She got wasted last night in Boutique and she is not ready to do her voiceover work. And there's a producer sitting in her bedroom holding up her yellow plates, being like, it's sunshine. It's sunshine. Wake up.

[B]

I fell for it again.

[A]

Sunshine plate. I was cracking up even before basically the show started for sort of the same reason, because they're showing previously on Real Houses New York. And they're showing all this stuff and they, they show Luann the police footage of her being arrested. You know, when she's like, she's like, why? Why, why, why? You know, it's like, you know, she's in the police cruiser right now and the. And the cop literally, like, it's like has his arm up on her chest and is like, listen, listen, lady, I'm gonna hogtie you if you don't stop. And then it cuts directly to like, like the opening credits. Like, just notice, like, casual lounge music. Like, literally from I'm going to hogtie you if to success in New York is only a matter of your high heels. Whatever they say, you know, it's like, I love.

[B]

They cut from Luann to Luanne because they went. They have Luann going, what is this nutcracker situation? Like, right into her being in the cop car. I was like, whoa, what did happen with that nutcracker? What happened between nutcracker and, you know, Jail.

[A]

Did she steal it from El Chapo or is she like transporting something for him in there?

[B]

El Chapo, the nutcracker. Let me tell you, that guy is a nutcracker. That's no joke.

[A]

I'll tell you, Countess and friends includes so many different people. People. We have Cheyenne Jackson, we have Berna Peters. El Chapo.

[B]

Amy Phillips. El Chapo.

[A]

You're to sing a wonderful ranchero song. It's El Chapo. What do they call those songs that are about those, like ranchero songs that are about drug dealers? There's a specific genre that is. You know what I'm talking about.

[B]

They're called the Nutcracker. Nutcrackeros.

[A]

El Nut Crackero. I'm learning Spanish on dual lingo. It's called El. El Nut Cracker. Los no crackeros samos. Am I doing it right? 3, 2, 1. Old nutcracker row.

[B]

Give me a nut, give me a cracker but never give me a nutcracker. One, two, three. Hit it, boys. Why?

[A]

Hey, officer, don't hog to me. Hog tie me because I'm gonna crack your nuts. Hashtag L. Nutcracker. Oh. Three, two, one. I'm gonna hog tie your nuts with my nutcracker. Three, two.

[B]

Oh, it makes me laugh every time.

[A]

Okay, so we open her totally indelicate lyrics that don't even rhyme. They just are like love consciousness.

[B]

Let me read for my big Trapper Keeper covered in Jules diary.

[A]

Anyway, I'd like to call El Chapo on stage. We're gonna sing a song we like to sing on those hot Mexican nights called El Nut Crackero.

[B]

Oh, he seems a little angry. Don't lose your head, Chapo. Get it, boys?

[A]

Now where is that guy? You know, he is always sneaking away.

[B]

And now from some wonderful underground music with El Chapo. Okay.

[A]

El Nutcracker O by Luann and El Chapo.

[B]

Okay, so we opened with Bethany and her family in a car. And by her family, I mean Kevin.

[A]

Kevin, her driver. She's like, yeah, Kevin.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Kevin. Kevin. I'm going to Chicago today. I'm going to Chicago. I'm going to do a business conference. I'm going to get home. Brent's never going to be the wiser. Like, you know what the weather's like in Chicago. It's either cold, school. Just fuck. Okay, okay, Kevin. Okay.

[A]

Hey, Kevin. Hey. I saw you at the Jewel. I saw you. I saw you. Kevin. Julis. Huh? That we do on the side, huh? Kevin. Julis.

[B]

Kevin is so checked out. He's. Yeah, he's like a Library book. Basically. He's just completely checked out. He's just staring at his phone like, I do not get paid enough for this. You know?

[A]

Yeah, exactly. It's like, if I have to hear Bethany make another joke about Chicago weather, I'm just gonna just drive off this bridge right now.

[B]

Thankfully, it's followed by Dorinda limping out to meet Ramona in a car, and she's got a cane.

[A]

And Ramona's like, hi, I'm here to pick you up. Do you need me to help you, or can the doorman help you to the car? I was like, what happened? What is going on? Dorinda has a cane. Ramona is offering to help her into the car. What happened?

[B]

They stabbed myself in the foot.

[A]

I didn't even know it. Yeah. This is the most Real Housewives of New York injury of all time. Dorinda. She's like, well, I have a Christopher salt shake, and it fell on my foot. I was like, I haven't used a salt shaker since before, but she died. And I thought, hey, I want to use it. I'm gonna use that shawl shaker from now on. It's important that shawl shakers, you know. So I decided to use it. Found my food. My foot's in black. I said, I deserve it.

[B]

I love that Dorinda, just. Even before her foot's black, like, she just wakes up one morning like, you.

[A]

Know, that Christopher sauce shaky.

[B]

I deserve that.

[A]

I deserve it. I'm just, like, imagining her on one of those, like, librarian ladders, you know, reaching up to, like, the find, like, the Kristoffel shaker hidden behind a box of Special K or something. It just comes tumbling down. I'll tell you what happened to my foot. It was. It was Christopher with a salt shaker in the kitchen.

[B]

Unfortunately, he's even more bloated now because I insult. So then Tinsley's on the phone with her mom. And I wrote, tinsley's on the phone with her mom? No, Carol. Because it's like, this is from Carol. It's like.

[A]

That's how she talks when she's in California. She's so relaxed. Everything takes longer, including her syllables.

[B]

That's Carol getting massage.

[A]

So Tinsley is talking to Dale on the phone. You know, Dale's probably sitting there down in Florida eating Russell Stover chocolates while her daughter's yammering away. You know, she is. She's like, oh, this one has nougat. Go on, Tinsley. What are you talking about? She's like, oh, my God, Mom. Scott and I had such a good time in Palm Spring and Palm Beach.

[B]

Oh, my God, Mom.

[A]

It was great. It's like, literally the smallest city in all the world. And it was so much fun. How could a city so small be. Have such big fun?

[B]

And Carol's having way too much fun with this Luann went to jail thing, you know? And she's like, well, a friend called me, and I thought, oh, no, she got a dui. But then I Googled it, and I was scared for her. That's not a good place to be. I was like, yeah, you seem terrified, Carol. You know, it's like that moment of Botox where you're just always smiling. But also, Carol, you just can't help smiling. Your face may not be able to tell me whether or not you're smiling, but that glimmer in your eyes tells me bitch is smiling.

[A]

Well, guess what? Everyone was smiling, including production, because, I mean, Carol says, when I heard about Luann getting arrested and, you know, I thought that she might have had a dui, but it turns out it was so much more serious. If it were Beverly Hills, it would be like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. But on this one, it's like.

[B]

Like, oh, I thought she had a dui.

[A]

Turns out she just has four felonies.

[B]

And she assaulted a police officer, and.

[A]

She might be going away to jail. And the music's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Like, it's just carefree and light, like it's just another day in New York. Let's get a croissant.

[B]

And Carol's like, I emailed her, and I said, whoops, that's not good. And Tinsley's like, I was just a few blocks from where I went down. I was just right there. And I felt badly for her because, you know, I know how it'll be taken in the press. I reached out and I said, babe, I'm in town. And I shouldn't have said this, but come over to my mom's. We'll have a cocktail.

[A]

Good one, Tinsley. I actually really respect that instinct.

[B]

Well, yeah, of course.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What else are you going to do before you get. You're stuck in rehab?

[A]

Tinsey was so mad that she wasn't there. She's like, it's this literally the smallest place on Earth, and I missed the coolest thing happening, you know? You know, that's what she was thinking. So then, meanwhile, Ramona and Dorindo are talking about it, and Ramona, of Course has taken this chance to be demure. She's like, oh, Luanne's taking well, you know, she's away right now. She's on vacation. She's at summer camp. Get it, Dorinda, get it.

[B]

I love that she's whispering like somebody died. She's like, the wind's away. Okay. I mean, I haven't spoken to her. How's her spirits? No pun intended. Ramona.

[A]

Yeah, I haven't got to really, you.

[B]

Know, trying to check out.

[A]

Ignore the noise.

[B]

By the way, your call on Dorinda's new hair being Bea Arthur's hair from the Golden Girls is fucking perfect.

[A]

Yeah. Like, Luke gave her Golden Girls hair. Like, I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know how he can stay employed after giving her that hair, but he did. And so Dorinda's like, yeah, I don't think Dwayne's ready to go back and get any sort of polite society. I'm like, none of you guys are ready to go into polite society. Nothing about you guys ever even screams.

[B]

Polite or society really. I mean, you just dropped a salt shaker on your foot.

[A]

Yeah. You have a salt shaker injury. You broke your foot with a salt shaker. He wasn't in a good place. She wasn't in a good place.

[B]

And she goes, yes. Well, she said she was self medicating. And I did that. I was getting divorced. I mean, we're Ty and rpm. I mean, I didn't hit anybody, but still, this is bad. Bad. It's a bad thing. The police were there and that's bad.

[A]

Hey, this was. This was an out of control situation that became public. And worse than that, the police were involved. That's bad. That's like so bad. Bad. It's like the worst kind of bad. It's like Michael Jackson, I'm bad. I'm bad. You know it. I'm bad. Except it's about l. It's like Michael Jackson was like, Lou's bad, the wind's bad, and she knows it. She's bad.

[B]

Okay. It's like the divorce, okay? It doesn't matter who won the divorce, who lost the divorce, who came in and it tie in. The divorce with the goalie was wearing of the divorce. Like, it's not about your divorce, Ramona. Okay?

[A]

Self medicating. After that divorce, I was addicted to using anti aging cream. Just couldn't stop using it on myself itself.

[B]

Weren't predicated. It weren't for that divorce. I wouldn't look 20 years old.

[A]

Just like. You know what? Sometimes God stops what you what? Stops what you're not recognizing, you need to stop. I'm like, yeah, sort of like a salt shaker falling from on high onto your foot and breaking it with supernatural.

[B]

Powers, I think, telling you to lower your salt intake.

[A]

Yeah. I think if ever there was a sign from God, it was your crystal fall of water salt shaker plummeting from the heavens and splitting your foot in half.

[B]

So Dorinda's, like. He had a party in the same place they had the engagement party. Did you go? And Ramona's like, no, no, no. The music's like, you liar. The music's like, lie.

[A]

She starts doing Felix. She's doing Felix. The cat eyes like a. Like, left, right, left, right. No, no, I wasn't. Yeah. I spent my New Year's Eve. I'm doing, like, Dorothea and Ramona. Whoa. This is crazy. I spent my New Year's Eve at my friend. Calm, calm, calm. Pagustino Kai. He had a great party.

[B]

I mean, I saw him. I ran into him a lot. Well, not him, but his penis possibly. I don't know. Something happened. And dread is like, who would go to that barley where you know you're gonna see him? Only a low life would go there. And the music's like, ramona went there.

[A]

Ramona. Ramona just sitting there like she. Ramona just, like, has, like, a Christopher salt shaker in her. In her hand. She's like, now, do I do it now? She's just gonna bash. She won't ever think, okay, you know.

[B]

Ramona's just a full. You know, Ramona is just full of lies. When Ramona's quiet because Ramona is never. Ramona talks through church like she is never quiet.

[A]

Well, everyone's eating crackers. Why aren't they eating so many crackers? Don't they realize that carbs are bad for you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't have this communion wine. Is it Pinot Grigio? I don't think so.

[B]

Speaking of crackers, it's like, oh, geez. Okay, so Beth and Bethany and Carol. Wait, Bethany. Bethany. What?

[A]

Bethany.

[B]

Oh, no. Bethany's in the car. I just wrote Beth Carr, and that's what I write for Carol, too. So, yes.

[A]

No, Bethany was. No, Bethany just talking now. She's talking about Luanne being right. She's like, well, hey, you know what? Like, I'm like, I'm proud I had one of Luann's last big nights. Like, we went out on Halloween. Like, basically, I'll take credit for it. Like, I had, like, one of her last nights. That was me, me.

[B]

And then they cut to her, you know, being drunk. Diana in a car.

[A]

Yeah. It's like, congratulations, we had a blackface night. Yeah.

[B]

Let's pile on the. The abuse for Luanna this episode. They're like, don't forget she was in blackface. Yeah, let's bring that up. Let's bring that up with Kevin right now. He's like, yeah, this is great. She's like, I want to kill this lady in my backseat. You know, there's so many ways that Luanne can handle it. Like, seriously, like, literally, she could cry. She could not cry. She could stop. She could not stop. She could smile. She could not smile. I mean, who knows? Run around the block. Not run around the block. You know, Go to a buffet. Not go to a buffet. I mean, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, she could sing. She cannot sing. She could sit. She could stand. She could walk. She could run Sick.

[B]

I mean, like, she's going to rehab for 28 days. Like, what? What is that? 28 days? Like a Sandra Bullock movie? Like, is that enough?

[A]

Was that she could go, like, hang out with some zombies now, huh? She's gonna go, like, take over London right now. Be like, I eat your brains. Like, literally, like, she's not gonna eat brains, Luann. She could eat brains.

[B]

Seriously. She goes, well, it'll be interesting to see her fresh and, like, never drink again. And she starts, like, cracking up in the back seat with herself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Such an asshole.

[A]

And then. So now I wrote that Carol and Tinsley were talking, but was it just. Did I get that wrong with Tinsley talking to Dale still?

[B]

I wrote Tinsley and Carol.

[A]

Oh, so they must be talking.

[B]

Yeah. No, she was never talking to Dale. I just wrote. I wrote Tinsley and her mom, but it was Carol. It's just because I heard, like, an old voice on the other.

[A]

No, in my mind. Oh, in my mind, I thought that she was also talking to Dale. I was fully. Like, when I said Dale. I mean, I still stand by the fact that Dale was sitting there eating Real Sister over chocolates. I mean, Dale was on that call, too.

[B]

I know. That's why I didn't kick Dale out of that. Yeah, no, Dale was.

[A]

During a three way. Dale was like, go on, Carol talk. I'm just gonna sit here in my Rossa Stovers.

[B]

I could see her fully dressed in, like, a pantsuit, like, sitting outside on a pool chair eating Russell Stovers. Chocolates.

[A]

Russell's over chocolate. Just listening to Carol and Tinsley. That was a good one, Carol. That was a good joke. So, yeah. So Carol and Tinsley are talking about how Luann is here from the police. And I love. They're just, like, cracking up about the fact that Luanne slipped out of her handcuffs. Because that's what we were all thinking. Like, how awesome and hilarious is it that Luann got out of her handcuffs? And they show it again. Her just, like, being like, I'm free. I learned that one from El Jabo, my good friend.

[B]

Now get over here so I can bite off your head.

[A]

Now, excuse me. I believe there's a tunnel somewhere near here I have to climb into. I'm going to Cuba.

[B]

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial. So Carol's like, whoa. I was like, no way. And then I saw the video of the arraignment. Then they show the video, and the judge is like, listen, okay? I don't know if you're an alcoholic, but stop drinking. And she's like, well, you know. And he goes, look, everything you can say can be is against you, so just don't talk. And she goes, oh, okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Thank you. Thanks for that.

[A]

I know I'm not supposed to talk, but what if I sing? Three, two, one. I'm in court. I'm in court. I'm going to jail. Cause I failed at my Breathalyzer.

[B]

I have a question. Why do birds suddenly appear every time I am?

[A]

That's Night Court. Night Court, everyone.

[B]

I had it coming. I had it coming there. I admit it. I only have my stuff and Tom to blame.

[A]

D' Agostino singer Frankel madly Salt shaker deadly. 1 o', clock, 2 o', clock, 3 o' clock rock. 4 o', clock, 5 o', clock, 6 o' clock rock 7 o'. Clock. Let's just get to it. Jailhouse Rock.

[B]

Hate counting. How many counts do I have? I am the Countess. So it comes back to Carol, and she's like, so, Tinsley, were you at the same jail as Luann? And she's like, yes. Gun Club road girl. Yes, it was the same. But it wasn't the same because I had a misdemeanor and she has four felonies. Hey, by the way, are you going to that skinny jeans party.

[A]

People? So then, yeah, Carol's not going because her plane lands from LA like, an hour before the party or whatever. So. And then we see Ramona. What? Ramona and Dorinda And Rinda's like, so you guys. Yes. Can you get jeans Patty? I hope there's no salt takers there. I'll be extra careful. And Ramona's like, no, wasn't invited. And honestly, I don't think I would go anyway because, I don't know, Bethany was mean to me and I didn't. Like, they do a flashback of her being, you don't support other women. Which is, like, really one of my favorite scenes of all time. Now I said, I've been saying that all week long. I'll be like, at Sprouts. And I'll just be like, walking by bananas. But you don't support other women.

[B]

Like, when something's not on sale that you want, I know you don't support other women. Okay, Bananas.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Okay, we get to see a clip of that again. And it's hilarious. And then Dorinda's like, well, you know, we were in a good place until the nutcracker.

[A]

Yeah. And now Dorinda. Now Dorinda has been riled up about this nutcracker thing where now she's like, upset about it, but trying to act like she's not upset, but she's really upset. I mean, she said, thank you, thank you, thank you. You know, but what was funny is. Oh, I guess it was later. Nevermind, I'll get to it later.

[B]

Either way, it's got negativity in my life, okay? I don't need that. I could be alone. I was like, you're. You hurt yourself with a salt shaker. You cannot be alone. Okay? We know what happens to you when you're alone. You're stabbing yourself on the hands, you're dropping like, heavy salt shakers on yourself. The last person that ever needs to be alone is you.

[A]

Okay? Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Ramona goes, what a bunch we are.

[A]

What a bunch. Okay, so then speaking of what a bunch they are, we then go to Sonia. She is in basically a Hazmat quarantine of, like, plastic drapes on her bed because her apartment's going through renovations, but it looks like someone came in and it's like, okay, you have Ebola, so you just stay on your bed until we get this all sorted out.

[B]

Yes, it's like the Poisonwood Bible or whatever. Yeah. She's in bed. It's like E.T.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

So she's like, oh, my God, I'm so allergic to all this dust. Oh, I'm gonna be staying with Tinsley because I'm allergic to dust and mite. Oh, I can't Find my underwear. But that's okay. Oh, three bucks. I've got three bucks. And then she's smelling her underwear and piling them up and just going through her bills. And I just love that Sonia is like having a one woman show in every scene. That's her.

[A]

I know. She doesn't even need her facialist to come in anymore. She's just on that bed with a variety of like, random items that she's either sniffing or touching. I was like, this is literally a view of, of Sonia as a homeless lady. Like, I am seeing her right now, like, with these plastic things up. She looks like she's in her, like her own little tarp tent, you know, And I'm not trying to be, like, insensitive to the situation, but, like, what I'm seeing right now is I feel like I'm looking at a woman on the street just like rambling and going through random, like, pieces of like, trash. Not trash, but yeah, it's like you're.

[B]

Getting a look on the inside of a tent city, you know, because she's literally in a, like a plastic tent in her bed.

[A]

She's in a plastic tent, like, picking up random things, sniffing them, like, inhaling, like giving herself tinctures, which I don't think that's necessarily like a common homeless thing to do, but like, you know, like, she's like spraying stuff in her mouth and like, it was just, it was so good.

[B]

It's like a one woman show. The Sunrise Monologues.

[A]

Yeah. And so she's, she's talking about how she reached out to Luann and everything. And she's like, you know, I know that Luann is a strong. Is strong. And she's a proud woman. I'm like, just like Milou, proud dog. I got the way a little staircase to get up on the bed.

[B]

I don't want her to think I'm sticking my nose in it, but when she passes, I'm totally going to blow her ashes in someone's face. Tell you that right now. That's how she sends everybody out. And she has jury duties, call. What is it called?

[A]

Summons or whatever.

[B]

And she's like, you're all guilty. You're all guilty. Which is so how I am.

[A]

That was, that was actually such a funny moment. I just love that, like, Sonia justice. You know what? You're all guilty. Guilty of love in the first degree. Is that so wrong.

[B]

Tawny? It's like Donny never comes. So Bethany. And Bethany's in the car with Kevin. I wrote car again. Damn it. So she's still in the car with Kevin. This is based Bethany's whole life, basically. Bethany in the car with Kevin. I got a weird feeling about tonight. Like, it's weird. And he goes, weird, good. She's like, no, no, like, unsettled. Like, seriously, like, literally, seriously, Carol, seriously rough patch. Like, like, Carol's not even coming. Calm down.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So now, well, before that, though, we go to Ramona at the doctor's office.

[B]

And how did I skip Ramona at the doctors? Oh, my.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

What a sin.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. I, I. You're a man of mystery. I don't.

[B]

Don't try and figure it out then. Okay? I don't like Twin Peaks. You just, you just wait until it's over and you say, that was good and move on with your day.

[A]

So Ramona, who was furious at Bethany last week for implying that, for saying, like, what? Yeah. Oh, you have to have a whole infomercial. Okay? You have to have a whole infomercial now. She actually, literally has an infomercial. This entire scene was a hilarious, hilarious infomercial. So Ramona shows up at this doctor's office and she's like, now that my divorce is final, I don't have to work. But let's face it, I enjoy working. And I've always been entrepreneurial. And I'm really excited to do my anti aging skincare, Ageless by Ramona. Okay.

[B]

People always saying to me, you're reverse aging like Benjamin Button. You can facelift a Botox, do this, fillers that. But it's about what you put on your face. I'm like, ramona, you have like 10 facelifts and you have Botox and fillers. I mean, I'm glad that you're keeping it. Lead debt, but come on.

[A]

Soon I'm gonna be working on a tugboat just like Benjamin Button. I'll be like, toot, toot, because everyone's gotta get away from my boat. And I'm gonna be tugging along my old face because I've anti age to become younger. Soon Kate Blanchett will be cradling me like a little baby. And she'll be like, whoa, you look great for your age. Are you 1 years old? I'll be like, no, I'm 63. Okay?

[B]

People are always saying, if you take another dress from the dressing group, not ever coming back on my talk show. Get.

[A]

Okay, guess what? You can say that all you want, but it's not going to change the Suppleness the quality of your skin. Okay? I've always been entrepreneurial. One time when I was a little girl, I was like, whoa, I want to have a lemonade stand. And I set up a little lemonade stand. Geraldine Parson Smith, she came up to me and she was like, whoa, you don't know what lemonade even is. That's just water that you put yellow in. And I was like, no, it's not. She said, yes, it is. And she knocked over all my lemonade. And to this day, I still can't listen to Beyonce's album. Okay, I'm sorry.

[B]

Geraldine took a lemon off the tree and threw it in my head. And it hurt. But that's when I realized, oh, my God, I don't look 10 years old. I look 9 years old now. I realized, citrus. That's what I eat. Citrus.

[A]

To this day, ever since Jonathan Parsons Smith threw a lemon at my head, I have trouble drinking Sprite. Can only drink half a bottle of Sprite because it's the line half. I can't drink the lemon half.

[B]

So the doctor, she's like, I want to start with serum. That's hydrating. Okay. When I was working with the doctors, I said I wanted serum. It absorbs into your skin. Look, it just melts right into your skin. I'm like. Like lotion. Like lotion, Ramona.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the doctor's like, it's so light and so citrusy. That's my scent. That's my scent. Smell me. And she goes, yeah, you smell. She goes, yeah, you smell like this.

[A]

They have a flashback product. Yeah. And there's a flashback of Tom saying, you smell like grapefruit, which is also like. Who says that to someone?

[B]

You smell like a Weight Watchers breakfast.

[A]

I want to give props to Dr. Amy Lewis for rocking a really impressive Deborah Messing wig. Like, you really killed it. Like, you. You basically are Grace Adler. Well done. And then Ramona, of course, now is giving herself props. Just. Just so you know, I become a maven at whatever I'm interested in. So, for instance, last night, I was like, I want to have a slice of cheesecake. I'm a cheesecake maven now.

[B]

Wow. I'm passionate about it. Not just passionate, but I become, like, intelligent about it. Okay.

[A]

I'm a maven of intelligence. Okay. I'm a maven cheesecake.

[B]

Citrus cheesecake. Okay.

[A]

Lemon ricotta cheesecake. I'm a maven maven.

[B]

Bethany was mean about my skincare. But to be successful in life, you can't look behind you. Or to your left or to your right or upstairs or downstairs in a car. Outside of a car, you just say, you know what, Bethany? You don't support other women. Okay?

[A]

You just follow the beeps. And the beeps get louder and louder. You stop and you start digging in the sand until you find a trinket. That's how you're successful. That's the direction you go in. Okay? Okay. Trust me.

[B]

I'm amazing in the car with Bethany and Kevin. So, yeah, I got a weird feeling. I got a weird feeling. I'm just unsettled. Like, I'm gonna see Carol. Like, we had a rough patch. Like, I thought it was over. I texted her. I was like, oh, my God, look, it's a holidays, you know? Because, like, I was sad and depressed, and so I texted her a picture and I said, I miss you. And then she said, that's a lot. And, like, I mean, well, that's a little.

[A]

Bethany goes, I texted. I said, I miss you. You seem cold. Like, how are you expecting a warm response when you accuse someone like, I miss you. You're cold. Like, you can't insult someone and then be like, let's be friends again. Bethany, you got to work on that.

[B]

Doesn't work that way, okay? She goes, well, that's not a lot. It's a little. Okay. And I said, we got issues. And she said, I don't want to deal with that. We'll talk about. We'll talk about it next year. Okay? Well, it's next year. And Kevin's like, oh, Jesus Christ, is it another fucking year in the front seat of this car?

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And then she's like. And I got this not cracker situation. Dorinda's, I guess, mad at me about that. I mean, like, when I didn't say thank you enough. And then actually they show a flashback of Bethany being like, thank you so much. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, thank you so much. You saved. Like, she was actually being super grateful.

[B]

Just not during the party. Yeah, just not during the party. It was when Dorinda said that she could find it for her.

[A]

Yeah. So anyway, so Bethany arrives because she's showing up at her skinny girl Jean, eventually. So she gets out of the car, and then she's, like, trying to walk through pedestrians. I just love how she just doesn't know how to deal with people. She's like, ah, right, left, right. Which way do I go? I wish I had one of those, like, beeper things that Ramona has. Wait, left, right. Huh? No, no side Side shuffle, backwards, forward, square dance.

[B]

And then one of her. What's the matter? What's going on? What's happening? Ladies? Is like, bethany, you look marvelous. Now, look here. People can walk, dance. Skinny Girl Alley, Beth. Skinny girl Alley. It's an alley made of mirrors where people can see how good they look on their skinny girl chains. Beverly.

[A]

Yeah, and if you're too big, then you don't deserve to be in this party anyway, because you can't fit down skinny girl alley. It's a way to weed them out.

[B]

Well, she got in a little trouble. Well, not trouble, but, like, social media trouble, which I guess she's used to. But when she said she was coming out with skinny girl jeans, everyone was like, oh, my God. How dare you, fat shamer? You know, it's like, the most inappropriate label to put on jeans. And so she's very careful in this episode of being like, oh, my God, we got size zeros. We got size 3 thousands. Like, seriously, no one is too fat for my jeans. Okay. All right, let's try it. Bring the fattest person you know here, and we'll put them in checkings. Okay?

[A]

Yeah. So Tinsley shows up, and she's, like, trying to order a drink from the bartender, and she was like, do you have any, like. Like, red wine?

[B]

No.

[A]

He's like, well, we have a lychee martini. He's like, perfect. I don't know why. She's just, like, very excited about that lychee martini. She was like, oh, my God. Dale's just. Dale's just sitting there on the phone being like, what'd he say? You could put it on speaker. I want to hear what he say.

[B]

I'll tell you what, Tinsler. That Forrest Gump was right. You never know what you're gonna get. Was that a hazelnut? Was that a hazelnut in that chocolate? Mom, I broke a potato. But they don't have wine, so now I can have Tito. Well, Dust, don't. Don't get obsessed when he says he needs more time to himself, Tinsley.

[A]

Okay, I am so disappointed. Why? What did I do? Not in you. I just had one of those chocolates that was just chocolate.

[B]

Who puts cherries inside of chocolates these days?

[A]

Tinsley, when is Mr. Stover gonna realize that we need a guide on these chocolate boxes? I don't want to have a surprise every time.

[B]

So then we get. And then Bethany comes up to her. She's like, oh, my God, it's you, Tinsley. Oh, my God. So you were out of town with Your boyfriend. Oh, that's great. Did you get a ring yet? And she's like, no, just another diamond bracelet.

[A]

So then Sonia arrives. She looks fully like the. Like a white version of the lady in the beginning of Little Shop of Horrors who's like, the sun comes up at 7. You know, everyone's singing skid Row. Like, you know that lady, and it's time to go. She's like that lady walking with like the bags down the street in that scene. Sonia's like, well, the alarm goes off, it's seven. It's time to rise. Like, gambled. Like, sing it, child.

[B]

Cuz it's. I don't even know.

[A]

I'm just like, I'm doing totally wan. The guy.

[B]

The guy who's working the buffet is like. And then you go downtown, skinny girl.

[A]

Where the jeans are tight, skinny girl where the drinks are light, skinny girl where you're just helping Bethany grow.

[B]

Okay? I'll tell you for. That's where the skinny girl party is. Skid row. Who goes there? Okay? They're like, if I saw that woman homeless in front of. Singing in front of a building, I'd say, you know what? You need citrus. Okay? On your face. But at least she'll be young and homeless. Okay?

[A]

Have you noticed that that homeless lady looks younger and younger and younger. Anti aging homeless lady.

[B]

So Sonia comes in in like a fur Paddington Bear hat. She really. She just looks crazy. And she's like, oh, Jeff and Olive, I'm not eating meat, only vegetables. Like, you're wearing a fur hat.

[A]

Yeah. She just goes, I'm vegan now. Like. Like it was just decided literally 30 seconds before. It was like an improv exercise where someone, like, tapped her and she's like, okay, I'm vegan now.

[B]

Great veggie man. Are those vegetables? I'm vegan now. Oh, is that a falafels? I love falafels. That's chickpea, right? And the guy goes, garbanzo beans. Which, by the way, is a chickpea.

[A]

It's the same thing. She goes, oh, garbanzos. I eat those. He's like, okay. And then she's like, well, though. She's like, they make me gassy, though. So then Sonia, she like, she sees like a raw bar, a bunch of like, oysters. She's like, oh, perfect. And she just starts eating them. She goes, I mean, I'm vegan, but I allow myself seafood because it's raw.

[B]

It's like the shrimp are cooked, ma'. Am.

[A]

Like, you're making portia Williams look good. Okay, how are you making Portia Williams look like the authority here?

[B]

So then she starts taking the seaweed off the display, and she goes, oh, that's the display? Well, I had to eat the garnish. It's a delicacy. And then she just starts dancing while she's eating, and the buffet guy starts dancing with her. It's like, oh, my God, that's me at every wedding I ever go to alone.

[A]

So Bethany starts making a speech about who knows what. Like, oh, my God, jeans, you know? You know what I like about jeans? They can wear them. They fit all people. And, like, jeans also, like, DNA. That's pretty cool. You know, there's, like, DNA. DNA is in us and those genes. Jeans, jeans, like, okay, fat girls, skinny.

[B]

Girls, you know, any kind of girls. Like, not really in between, but mostly, like, really fat and really skinny. Like, look, it feels very inclusive to me, and that's what I love about it.

[A]

We got, like, a guy up here, but, like, it's all about women. Like, we have one guy. All women like this for women. It's a woman thing. It's like, okay. So then Dorinda, like, hobbles in. She's now wearing a boot. Skinny girl boot. And from her salt shaker injury, she's like, I'm like, 15, black. Yay. So. So they're all just. Now they're all just, like, talking and gabbing. They're kind of all talking over each other. And Sonia is talking to Tinsley and Dorinda, and she's talking to Tinsley about moving in because she's gonna be moving in because her house is under construction. And she's like, yeah, I got all my life. My whole world is just on that four post bed. And I don't know if you caught this, but Drinder goes, I can imagine what that consists of. I might better get her soul shaking.

[B]

So Bethany's like, all right, Dorinda. Like, are you mad at me? Like, what's going on? And she's like, bethany, we're done with that. Let's have this conversation once and move through it. Okay? Because I've been leaking about it a lot. Like, why'd you say thank you in front of everyone? You should have said thank you.

[A]

No, I'm sensitive about it.

[B]

But now I didn't even want to see a nutcracker again because it's been making me slip crazy. Now I'm seeing nutcrackers everywhere. Yeah, it's Christmas.

[A]

So Bethany's response is pretty much like, yeah, well, remember the night, night before Puerto Rico? Remember how you actually act like a crazy person? I celebrate a Puerto Rico. Huh? How about that? She's like, we're not even talking about that. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, because that's what friends do. I'm a good friend. I'm a good friend. I'm a good friend. Okay? Just remember that I took on a private plane.

[B]

She not only uses your bad minutes against you, she, like, holds on to it. She's like the movie Jaws. Dorindo.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Bethany is that Jaws movie. Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water, you lost a leg.

[B]

Shot comes off and takes.

[A]

Off his cell shaker. I like how she calls it that Jaws movie. Like, no, I forgot that movie about the Jaws. Whatever it's called Jaws.

[B]

Bethany's like, yeah, but why don't you talk behind my back?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, if Bethany. She's coming ready to apologize, but then once somebody is nice about it, she's like, okay, I'll yell at you then. Like, if you're not gonna. If you're not gonna turn it on me, then I'll turn it on you. So now she's like, well, why'd you talk about behind my back? Like, why can't you just say it to my face? Like, seriously? And she goes, well, you know, it's just because, like, I thought it was okay. But then Carol came up and said, I can't believe she didn't thank you. And the music goes.

[A]

I have a tone. And Bethany does, like, that thing where if you, like, spritz a cat with water, the cat's like. She does that.

[B]

She drops a ball of yarn and runs under a couch.

[A]

Right. By the way, I can't stand the. Why'd you talk about behind my back? Like, you guys all talk about everything behind each other's back, you know, Sometimes you just can't talk about everything to someone's face right at that moment. Okay. Someone says something, it bothers you, and then you think, I feel like I should talk to Bethany about this, but, like, maybe I'll talk. Let me check in with so and so. I think that maybe I'm overreacting. Like, sometimes in life, you just wind up talking behind someone's back, and it's not a thing. It just happens. So, like, don't try to, like, drill at this.

[B]

So anyway, that's her argument, too. Later in the episode with Carol, she's like, what? What? Do I have to say everything to your face? Like, seriously?

[A]

Exactly. Exactly. So, yeah, but Dorinda basically is. She kind of throws Carol under the bus. Well, she's like, well, Carol is the one who said, well. Well, like, what the hell? She didn't even. Thank you. So Bethany's like, huh? So Bethany is like. Like, well, you know, that's classic Dorinda, okay? She always. If she can throw someone under the bus, she will, okay? She will. And then two seconds later, Bethany's like, well, I heard that you were super mad because Ramona said that you were, like, inconsolable about it. I'm like, you just threw Ramona under the bus the way Dorinda threw Carol under the bus. What are you talking about, Bethany?

[B]

Well, Ramona has no right to use.

[A]

My voice to say how I feel.

[B]

And Ramona's very upset with you, okay? And so she's using it to pile on. You see what she's doing?

[A]

You see what she's doing?

[B]

And Bethany's like, all right, look, you saved Christmas, and that's the truth, okay? So can we just hug now? Can we just hug? Yay. Christmas saver.

[A]

Woohoo.

[B]

Christmas, Yay. Save Christmas. Yay. Kids are getting presents now. Okay, Dorinda, can we hug?

[A]

Can you give me your lightweight salt shaker, please?

[B]

Commercials. Here comes one right now.

[A]

So then this hot bartender, but he's like, hot but skeevy, he starts hitting on Sonia, and he's like, bringing. He's bringing drinks to Sonia and Tinsley. And, you know, it's like a typical Sonia being like, oh, I'm single right now. I'm single. Let me flick my hair. I'm single. I'm single. You're young. You're young.

[B]

Yeah. You know, and he's, like, too lazy to even make a man, but he's got, like, a man, like, spaghetti pile. Yeah, yeah. Like a ribbon. It's tied like one of those ribbons that you wear for, like, breast cancer, aids, or whatever. Like that little.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ribbon shape. I'm like, lady. So during the intensely. You're talking about Luann and during this thing, I'm not gonna say it's all coming, but, you know, you open the cabinet and boom, it's on your foot.

[A]

Lou. You know what Lou does? She goes back to the crime scene. She's a crime scene goa. I'm like, is that a thing? A crime scene goer? She's a crime scene goa. Yeah.

[B]

She goes, she's a return to the crime scene.

[A]

Go.

[B]

You know those people who are arsenics? I was like, what? I think you mean arsonists. I don't know what she's talking. I was trying to figure out what she's talking about.

[A]

You know, when people wear Old Lace, you know, Arsenics and Old Lace desert, they go crime scene. They like a return to the crime scene.

[B]

Go.

[A]

I like how she just like. I like how she creates a new category of person, like, in a very indelicate way. It's like, you know those people who love making left turns? Yeah. Left turn people makers. Yeah, that's what they're called.

[B]

Why would you return to your left turn, go to the Breakers? And Tipsy's like, well, I think she might have looked like she was okay, but. And she got so drunk and it wasn't okay. And Palm beach is the smallest place on earth, and she's coming in.

[A]

When Denzel said Palm beach is one of the smallest places on this earth, I was like, okay, Tinsley, just relax, okay? It has an airport. All right? And I guess now would be a really good time to mention that we're bringing Watcher Crappens to Palm Beach. So, yes, I guess you could say that we're crime scene goers, too.

[B]

West Palm Beach.

[A]

I think we are, actually. I think our.

[B]

We are in west, sir.

[A]

I think the comedy club is in Palm Beach. It's in West Palm Beach. Improv.

[B]

And you know how I'm gonna find out? I'm gonna go right now to watch what happens.

[A]

I'm looking right now. Pompey, Jim. Prov. Let's see. Well, it says.

[B]

I thought it said west.

[A]

You're right. It's West Palm.

[B]

That's right. I wouldn't be going to Palm Beach. What am I, monster?

[A]

How could I be so silly to think that we would be in Palm Beach? But, you know, we are going to go to Palm Beach. We are going to take. We're going to take the Luann Tinsley tour of Palm Beach. We're going to cross that bridge and.

[B]

Go over Tinsley water.

[A]

Yeah, we're going to be there in August, everyone. So if you want to come, relive, recreate, be a crime scene, re goer, recapture with us, go to watchmorecrafts.com and get tickets.

[B]

So Bethany comes over, and Dorinda's like, look how many of us have had it at night.

[A]

We wake up like, what did I do?

[B]

And Bethany goes, yeah, you did it, Tinsley. Like, you did it. And Tinsley's like, there is a difference. She hit a cop and she slipped out of handcuffs. And Beth's like, oh, my God, I love that. That's amazing. Yeah.

[A]

Everyone's just, like, obsessed with the fact that Luann got out of her handcuffs. I love that. Like, the listeners are obsessed and her cast members are obsessed with it. They're like, that is hilarious. That is the funniest shit I've ever heard.

[B]

Yeah, she's magical.

[A]

Probably the only one who wasn't. Well, no, I was gonna say she already laughed about it. Nevermind. I was gonna say Carol probably wasn't. Carol was probably like, that's not nice to the handcuffs. But Carol laughed about it Anyway, so I take it back. My musings from inside my head. This is what goes on inside my head right here. This is what you're all seeing. You're.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You're crime scene goers in my own brain. Your brain. Scene goers. The scene of the Arsenics. Yeah.

[B]

So Sonia's flirting with the young guy again and just, you know, embarrassing herself. Vegans, I don't know, animals, everything.

[A]

Fur.

[B]

She's like, do you even have a driver's license? Are you 26? Have you ever slept in a bed with. With plastic around it?

[A]

Do you know what it's like to be under quarantine? Can't trope.

[B]

So then she's talking to Bethany and she's basically, oh, my God, you are my inspiration. You inspire so many women to, you know, just lose weight or whatever. I'm gonna fuck that guy. And Bethany's like, I think he's my life partner. Which, you know, means Bethany's drunk because she's, like, having fun and being.

[A]

Yeah, because Bethany's like, seriously, thank you all for coming. Like, seriously, seriously, seriously, thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Seriously, thank you for coming. I was like, okay, she's wasted. She's being nice to them. I like, I like. I like Sonia being like, you are such an inspiration to me. Now I know exactly what to do to never have you yell at me on a couch again. In my life. I have learned I'm inspired by that.

[B]

By the way, my browser is still on. Watch what crappens.com and the first picture is me looking like a sea otter catching a fish in the air. So closing that now. Okay, so Caroline and Caroline, Carol and Beth are having. Bethany are having lunch together. And Carol's.

[A]

That's when he shows up.

[B]

And Carol shows up with her beats around her neck. She's like, yeah, you.

[A]

I'm young 99 percenters. And then Bethany shows up like a yeti detective. Okay? She has, like, a little, like. Was she wearing sunglasses I think a little hat, like a little detective hat, and then this big old, like, YETI jacket. Like monsters that. Like a white version of the Monsters, Inc. Monster.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Carol's like, you're like the Abominable Snowman.

[B]

Yes, like, Monsters, Inc. Like, if I'm going to be a monster, it's going to be somebody with an ink. Okay. Yeah, Senior Monster, Inc. Of Monster, Inc. Okay.

[A]

Like, literally, I was so drunk last night, I woke up, my hair pieces were in bag of potato chips, which is hilarious. I mean, like, that's how I know I was drunk. When's the last time I had a potato chip, huh?

[B]

She needs a bloody Mary, please. She's still hungover from last night. I was like, okay. Judgey Charger beats. So that's like, oh, my God, the leaking was odd.

[A]

Okay, like, you don't support Bose headphones. Okay. You don't support good audio.

[B]

All right, I totally win. All she should have done was had some citrus on her face. So Carol's like, oh, my God, the story sounds amazing. My favorite part was the handcuffs. In my mind, she escaped, and she's running across the lawn screaming, I'm gonna kill you all. I mean, we're laughing, but, I mean, it's hilarious. Let's keep laughing.

[A]

So you're upset with me. Like, what's going on?

[B]

I love how Carol ordered us, too. She goes, bread and a cucumber.

[A]

I miss that. Bread and a cucumber.

[B]

Of course. Delicious Carol.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah, Bethany's like, yeah. All right. Well, that was fun. What's going on, huh? You upset with me? So what's happening?

[A]

Carol says she's basically like, well, you know, with our friendship, like, this summer, there was, like, a new aggressive, dismissive vibe. I'm like, carol, are you just becoming friends with Bethany? Like, how have you only now found that vibe with Bethany? That's how she. Like, that's her love language to be dismissive and aggressive.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it's like you turn on the sprinklers every night, but then you stand in front of one and you get mad at the sprinkler. Like, bitch, you're the one who's turned the sprinklers on. You've been turning those sprinklers on for years now, and you've been fine with them.

[A]

Really? A perfect analogy. It's a seal.

[B]

That's Carol's voice broken up in a sprinkler. Or if it's the hoe. If you just turn on the Carol.

[A]

Hose, it just goes. All the plants get scared. They turn into, like, those, like, souls that never got their voices back on Little Mermaid. So. Carol basically is like, well, I heard that you were, like, annoyed with Adam.

[B]

And I wanted to talk to you.

[A]

About it in the Burks years. But then all you wanted to talk about was how our friendship shifted. The friendship shifted.

[B]

I didn't get to talk about Adam.

[A]

And they're, like, going back and forth about this Adam stuff. And my favorite part about this was then on the bottom of the screen, a Jurassic World promo popped up. Did you see this?

[B]

No.

[A]

Like a Tyrannosaurus rex and a Velociraptor. I was like, that is so perfect right now. Carol and Bethany, and then these two dinosaurs are coming at us like, what is the scariest part? What is the scariest thing on this screen right now? I'll tell you one thing. It's not the T. Rex.

[B]

The other one has a cucumber and some toast. So Bethany's apologizing because she did call Carol and really shit talk Adam, but she did that because she thought they were broken up. So it's kind of her way of helping, being like, yeah, she's an asshole.

[A]

Yeah. And by the way, she said she's not upset at all about Carol's contributions to retract her. She's like, I don't care about that. I don't care about that. But like you said, she basically was like, you know, I. Like, I actually like Adam. But you know what? I was like, I. He what he said, it rubbed me the wrong way. And I called you up and I talked a lot of shit because I thought you guys were totally broken up. So I thought, like, I was able to do that and be okay. And then Carol's like, but it wouldn't have been anyway. And she's like, no, I know. And she goes. She goes, listen, I question his motive sometimes, and that's my prerogative. You know, it's my bad. And she actually is, like, fully, like, no, I should not have. I talked too much. I misjudged the situation, is basically what she's saying.

[B]

But she keeps saying, I'm allowed. I'm allowed, okay? Like, I'm allowed to say that. And so Carol, she goes, but, look, Carol, I love you. Like, seriously, like, it's Christmas. And I texted you and I sent a picture of us, and I said, you know, like, I miss you. And then you said, it's a lot. And she goes, you said, that's what happened. That's not what actually happened. And she Was so what happened? And then Carol just kind of rolls her eyes because Bethany's like, huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like commercial. So we come back, she's like, and.

[A]

Also, I just want to say before going down this path a little bit that, that Carol says that she doesn't like that Bethany saws saw Adam's actions in a negative light. What? What? She doesn't. Because Bethany says that the way Adam acted that it ruptured the wrong way. And Carol says that she doesn't like that Bethany thought that Adam's action saw Adam's actions in a negative light and then talked to everyone else about it. So she hasn't. She feels like Bethany went and just like yammered and talked shit about Adam to everyone.

[B]

And she's like, well, I got to LA and I opened my phone and you got all these texts and you're like, why are you mad? And Ramona's a terrible person and all this. And I said, this is not a conversation for text. And then you just kept texting and texting and texting and. Which is so Bethany. She's like, what? I just said I love you. And it's like, of course she didn't. She called.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like 10 pages of text. Just ranting like a crazy person.

[A]

I love that. She just like annoyed the out of Carol's like, she's like, like, what's going on? I miss you. And then she's just like ranting about Ramona. And Carol's like, I, I, I. Can we just, like, talk about this?

[B]

We get back to you?

[A]

I can't right now. He just kept on texting her. And then I like, Carol goes, she.

[B]

Had no respect for what I just said.

[A]

I'm like, well, okay. Well, yeah, I guess she didn't because you said, can we talk about this later? But like, you know, if someone keeps texting you after you say, I can't talk right now, you just be like, they're being annoying. Don't be like, they have no respect for me and for my boundaries. Like, take a seat. Okay, Carol.

[B]

Yeah, calm down over there. She's like, I'm gonna write an article about this in Vogue or whatever. So now Carol's.

[A]

Now Carol starts saying that she's mad that Bethany said that she looked sad when, when Carol left Bethany's Christmas party, when Bethany was like, she looks sad. So Carol's like, I didn't like that. And Carol's like, I would, I, I would never tell Ramona that you look sad about your breakup with Dennis. I'm like, even though you. But you did. Sorry, I'm getting twisted. My own logic. She's saying, if it were me, I would never be like, oh, you look sad. You look sad. I'm like, but when you walked out of the party with Dorinda, you were like, wow, she didn't. Thank you. I'm like, so you would do something like that?

[B]

Yeah. They're all hypocrites, and I love it. And Bethany's like, Like, I'm not allowed to say that. What, do I have a gag order? Like, seriously? Like, I can't talk about you if you're like, seriously with the gag order.

[A]

Yeah, good luck.

[B]

She'd still be like.

[A]

The gag would give up. I'd be like, I can't. Like, you guys can't hear it because I'm covering it. But, like, my ear that's in her mouth is like, I can't hear any more of this shit.

[B]

Breaking news, New York City. A gag has killed itself. A gag jumped out of someone's mouth and into trap traffic. New York City.

[A]

And it was run over by Kelly Benson.

[B]

Who is friends with Julie Gwyneth Paltrow.

[A]

Yeah. So Carol, basically. Carol doesn't like that Bethany has been gossipy. That's what it. That's what it really boils down to. She feels like Bethany has been talking behind her back about Adam, and now she's talking about Ramona, and she just feels like Bethany is super gossipy, and that's. That's. That's the issue.

[B]

Yeah, she didn't even know they had a problem till she heard about it from everybody else, which is true. But here is also where I switch sides. It's like, it happens every week. It's not really sides, because I think they're both assholes. But now I'm like, okay, Carol, enough. Like, shut up. Like, her blog, the week that this came out came out the day. Either the day before the show aired or the day of the show. And it's just another, like, rant against Bethany. And it's like, okay, you're overplaying your hand, ma'.

[A]

Am.

[B]

Okay. Nothing that's happened is this bad.

[A]

Yeah, it's weird because I feel like Bethany actually stated her case really well. And I'm like, you know what Bethany's saying is, like, she did say, you know what? She seems sad. And she also was. She was, like, very upfront about that whole conversation she had about Adam and everything. But then where Bethany lost me, is that, like, she made it sound like she sent three lines of text. And then Carol's like, no, she was texting this, this, and this and this. And I was just like, this is too big of a conversation. We'll talk when we get back in New York. So it's like Bethany is leaving out information, which is not. That's not cool. But then again, Carol, it's like, why don't you just call her? Like, why did you. And I think that's. That. That's, like, part of the issue is that there probably was a time where Carol would have called and they would have talked, and then Carol doesn't call her now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's why Bethany is acting crazy.

[B]

And Carol's like, should we hug it out? I'm not really a hugger.

[A]

Bethany goes, what was the baiting? You're. Bethany's like, carol, everything you do is the debate. You're always debating me. It's like you're checking boxes. Like, you win, Carol. Yeah, you win. You win. Okay? You just. You win. Yeah, you gotta check about. She's like, no, that's what you're doing, Bethany. Which is funny because that's, like, a debate. But. And the. Betty's like, I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Like, literally, I can't. I can't. And Carolyn, I don't want an apology. It's like, oh, my God. And then Bethany goes, it's like, you're just being so critical. You're so critical. You're so critical. I'm like, do you remember that you reamed out Ramona last episode? Do you remember, Miss, Like, Bethany is not critical. Yeah.

[B]

Do you remember every talking head you've done, like, even in this episode?

[A]

Yeah. So she pulls out a lozenge. That's how you can tell that Bethany is, like, now, like, rendered powerless. She has to pull out a lozenge.

[B]

Yeah. My throat. Yeah, so. My throat. Sorry. It was the wrong lozenge voice.

[A]

No, that was Bethany's voice when she needs a lozenge. Okay, that's much better. Listen, I'm sorry. I want to. I'll apologize to you. I apologize to Adam. Apologize for everyone. Apologize to Sweeter. Apologize to lozenge. Apologize to yeti, who I killed to get this jacket.

[B]

All right, I'll just sit here peacefully, suck this lozenge and watch you eat bread and a cucumber.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And so they talk about hugging, and she's like, I'm not really a hugger. She goes, you've Hugged me before. Okay, let's hug. You win again, Bethany.

[A]

Yes. They have like a fake hugging resolution moment. So now we go to Sonia's Sonja moving into tunes and hotel apartment.

[B]

So good. So Sonia is thrilled because this is like the lap of modern luxury. It's not like the old broke down, leftover luxury from days of yore. It's like this new luxury thing. And she's like, Tinsley's like, no one is going to call me a bad friend again. So she's like, welcome. Look, I got you a Louis Vuitton. There's Louis Vuitton, man. And Tony is like, oh, my God. Louis Vuitton.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, listen, listen. Somebody stayed on my yacht once and they gave me a Louis Vuitton and it has hand painted. It was a fake. And I tried to return it. I was like, I'd like to return this Louis Vuitton to the Louis Vuitton store. They wouldn't take my Louis Vuitton.

[B]

And that's when I got my first. My first headshot. Not headshot. Mugshot. Yeah.

[A]

So Tinsley was like. She's like, okay, here are the rules. When you stay with Tinsley, there are no rules. Actually, there's one rule. You can't actually stay with me. You're going in a different room. You got the penthouse.

[B]

This was so good that she rented a whole penthouse to not have Sodia in her house. I mean, that is priceless. And Sonia's like, who can say no to a penthouse? It's sort of plastic for over the bed, just in case there's micro.

[A]

Yeah. Even actually, she still managed to complain a little bit because she's like, well, it's bittersweet because I was really looking forward to having a slumber party. I was like, you have a penthouse in Tinsley's hotel apartment. Okay. Like, just take it. And you got a Louis Vuitton bag for free. Well, she's happy, Sonia. Tinsley made up for it. Tinsley finally made up for it. Sonia was happy as a clam at a raw bar being eaten by a vegan.

[B]

Yeah, she really was. She really was. So Dorinda goes to the park and she's like getting her phone up to her face and it looks like it's going to be for FaceTime. But then Luann calls and she's like, you got me doing an Insta. That's what I like to call Dorinda on the bench.

[A]

This is more shocking. Hearing from you is more shocking than a giant salt shaker falling and breaking My eyes and foot ask a sequel to Misery called Salty.

[B]

Well, I can hardly believe it. First of all, here was the plan. I was invited to a wedding in Chile, and I figured I would fly into Palm beach and just stay with a friend and then go see my family in Jupiter. And then, well, it didn't happen like that.

[A]

Turns out El Chapo already flew out, flew down to Chile, took my spot, and I was like, well, what am I gonna do? We're just gonna sit around here in Palm beach and drink? Guess what? Option B. Oh.

[B]

Then I go to lunch, and I sit in the same seats where I had lunch with Tom. And then I went and had cocktails at the place we loved having VOD martinis, not vodka martinis. And then I ended up in the hotel. We had our wedding luncheon. Why did I do that?

[A]

Then I went to a shoe store where I sat down. I was like, hey, I remember sitting in this exact space to try on some Crocs with Tom.

[B]

There was a crosswalk. We wouldn't wait for the light to blink. And I walked across crosswalk without waiting for the light to blink. Why?

[A]

I went into a yogurt land. It's the same yogurt land that Tom and I used to go into. I used the exact same nozzle to pull the exact same flavor that I always get at yogurt land. The same ones with Tom.

[B]

Why? Why? I watched Friends on the plane. That's what I did with Tom. Why would I do that?

[A]

I sat on the aisle. I always sit on the aisle. Why? Last time I sat in the aisle with Tom, Why? Why?

[B]

Not to mention the aisle.

[A]

Oh, we went today. I went to Dave and Buster's by myself. I did skee ball. I always did skeeball with Tom. Why would I do that? What a mistake. Oh, so she goes. So Durinda's like, well, because Luann's like, oh, all these emotions, they just came flooding back. Too much for me to handle. And Dorinda's like, don't ever go back to Palm Beach. That is not a vacation destination for you anymore. No more Palm Beach. What about West Palm?

[B]

No. Well, I was trying to drink out of. Drink out the emotions, you know? I knew I needed help, and I hit a wall. I wish it hadn't been a brick wall. What am I, the kool aid man?

[A]

3, 2, 1 is a brick wall. I hit my head hard on the brick wall. Kool Aid, brick wall.

[B]

And then before you knew it, the piano man switched into a montage. We hadn't even practiced. Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do when they come for you, eh?

[A]

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna slip out of my handcuffs and sing. Three, two, one. I'll not crack. Oh, not come crack. Oh, no, not crack. O nut crack. Oh. Did you notice Dorinda's iPhone? She had so she, you know, she's talking to Luann, so it has her contact. You know, like, when you call someone on an iPhone, at the top, it'll say, like. It'll say, like, Ronnie Karam. But if I have, like, two entries. Contact entries for you, let's say I have one that says, like, Ronnie Karam and one that says, like, flip it. You know, from tvgasm, if you call me, it would say Ronnie Karam or flip it. So on hers, it said Luann de Lesseps or Luannana Dean even fit on the screen it said, L U A N N N A D E S S as like, one word. Like, clearly, the first time that Dorinda ever met Luanne, she just mashed in these letters like, yeah, that fun girl. I met her part as a countess, like, she couldn't get you. This is found me before I queen the space bars.

[B]

Well, I hope that's not her ice contact. They'd be like, what the is this? Hey, my foot's turning black college. Like, what?

[A]

Let me tell you something. Now that I'm a childbird who's flown the coop, I'm now in rehab and trying to avoid all these Zombies in these 28 days while I'm here. I have to say, it was hard, though. The hard thing was calling my children and being like, no Taco Tuesday this week. I'm in jail. And then I had to call my mom. And.

[B]

My mom hasn't been this disappointed since I did a news. A news story in a Big Lots parking lot.

[A]

I'll tell you, this is rock bottom. You can't get worse than being arrested. This is rock bottom. I'm like, it can get a lot worse than being arrested, probably.

[B]

Yeah. Give it time, honey. Give it time. So she's like, well, I'm reconnecting. I'm reconnecting with my soul. And Dorinda's like, that sounds good.

[A]

I'm gonna come.

[B]

It's like, you'll get your chance.

[A]

Oh, you certainly will. You certainly will.

[B]

She's like, well, you do have to get arrested first.

[A]

Thanks is enough of this group.

[B]

Who's the third mug shot, Sonia? Oh, I forgot. Sonya got arrested. Yeah.

[A]

I thought you just mentioned it.

[B]

I did.

[A]

I actually forgotten too, until you. I thought you had mentioned it just before. Yeah. Sony has a mug shot.

[B]

Oh, I forgot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just mentioned it. I mean, that's pretty sad.

[A]

Well, you know, it happened. It was a Louis Vuitton incident. I got leprosy from a fake Louis Vuitton vendor. Had to be in quarantine on my bed.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That was just kidding mention. I didn't know Sonia had a mug shot. I love it.

[A]

I think it's from the dui. I think. I don't know.

[B]

You can look it up.

[A]

It's a very pretty mug shot.

[B]

So. Okay, everybody, we are done with this episode.

[A]

And now we're done. Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Allison Block clock.

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