#3326 Below Deck Down Under S04E12 Part Two: My Achey Cakey Heart

Summary

Watch What Crappens Recap #3326

Below Deck Down Under S04E12 Part Two: My Achey Cakey Heart
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: April 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Ben and Ronnie deliver Part Two of their delightfully snarky, character-driven recap of Below Deck Down Under, Season 4 Episode 12. Centered on the fallout from crew flirtations, awkward dates, a much-hyped birthday cake, and yet another iconic "Fish Report," the hosts dive into Bravo’s yacht chaos with their trademark blend of absurdist humor, sharp relationship insights, and Bravo references galore.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Joao's "Boatmance" Drama and Ellie's Birthday Cake

• The recap picks up with Daisy criticizing crew members for bringing their personal problems to her, exclaiming, "Do not come to me and make this my problem, okay? We're here to work. Crash yachts into docks. And if you can't do that, then find another job." (00:50)
• Attention turns to Joao’s waffling attention between Ellie and Mike, sparking confusion and hurt feelings. He awkwardly tries to clarify his romantic intentions with Ellie, who responds with disinterest.
• Ronnie quips, “Oh, he’s so gross,” as Joao unsubtly asks Ellie for permission to flirt, to which she dryly responds, "Knock yourself out." (04:23)
• Recapping the birthday storyline, Joao tries to make amends with a homemade cake, but his emotional inarticulateness and mixed signals continue to frustrate Ellie, Daisy, and the rest of the crew.

2. Jenna & Eddie’s Cringeworthy Date

• The hosts gleefully dismantle Eddie’s uncomfortable attempt at romance with Jenna, mocking his possessive fantasy of domestic life:
  “I want to see you in your home comfy clothes. What you’d wear at home. You know, a couple of our kids suckling on your breasts... God, I can't wait for that." (08:27)
• Michelle observes, "He’s talking at her, not to her," as the hosts point out how Eddie’s lack of awareness sabotages his chances.
• Jenna, meanwhile, is clearly uninterested, with Michelle noting, “If he just talked to her for like three seconds, he would know that that’s [domestic life] not what she wants. She wants the high life.” (11:08)
• Brandy delivers the coup de grâce:
  "He just wants to meet somebody and put them in Eddie jail, you know, just like... live in my beige little studio apartment and watch me play PlayStation all night." (09:32)
• The date’s awkwardness is compounded when Eddie can’t even pay for the restaurant tip (26:47).

3. Ben’s Cabin Takeover and Influence

• Jokes are made about chef Ben’s pattern of commandeering the guest cabin between charters (“He just goes up there. It’s his. He takes the guest cabin.” 17:10), which Set the gold standard for Bravo yacht living, per Daisy: “It’s gonna spread. You watch.” (17:30)

4. The Legendary Cake Dumping

• The highly anticipated moment arrives: Joao agrees to meet Ellie with the birthday cake she painstakingly prepared. The hosts groan in disbelief as Joao accepts the cake, eats it, and then proceeds to dump her in a convoluted, musical-metaphor-laden spiel.

  • Quotes abound, riffing Beatles lyrics throughout:
    • Joao: “What’s a good Beatles song for this moment?”
    • Michelle: “Help.” (49:53)
    • Ellie: “Let me put it to you this way. In life, sometimes you take the long and winding road. And unfortunately, that is a road that I must go on alone, but with you by my side. Because we’ll be married soon. So I hope I made this clear how I stand.” (50:45)
    • Michelle: “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever see.” (52:15)

• The hosts howl at how Joao continues to eat cake while breaking up (“Do you still eating that cheesecake? Stop pretending to cry where you’re eating that cheesecake.” 52:47)

• They marvel as the editors label the dessert "Joao’s break up cake" in a dramatic close-up. (53:01)

5. Fish Report - Undersea Fashion Show

A Crappens tradition, the "Fish Report" is a segment full of aquatic metaphors, fashion analogies, and anthropomorphism—a hilarious palate cleanser halfway through the episode.

Notable Highlights:

• “This fish is the only fish in the neighborhood to refuse GLP ones. It’s like, ‘I don’t care what y’all bitches are doing. I’m not doing it. I’m big, I’m beautiful, and you all look the same.’” (33:39)
• Michelle christens a fish “the Grace Jones of fish”—fashion-forward, black and leopard-printed, with orange lips. Daisy reflects, “This fish listens to a lot of house music, if you ask me.” (42:00)
• Brandy dubs a particularly striking seahorse "the Tilda Swinton of seahorses" (44:06) and describes it as though it’s covered in vanilla glaze or shaped like a chicken nugget.
• Ronnie and Ben riff on marine creatures’ impracticality: “Not to diss God, but like, hello, what were you thinking? Okay, this is not one of your perfect designs. Let the man have a good rest.” (38:24)
• Several fish are recast as runway stars, Vogue editors, or partygoers at a Met Gala.

6. The Aftermath & Final Hookups

• Jenna leaves Eddie unsatisfied and ends up making out with Ben (24:24, 54:24). “She wants the high life... and Ben is more refined,” Michelle observes.
• The episode closes with Joao moping, Ellie confused but stoic, and the promise of more drama as crew hookups (and food blunders) continue.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "He just wants to meet somebody and put them in Eddie jail...live in my beige little studio apartment and watch me play PlayStation all night."
  — Brandy (09:32)
• “He’s talking at her, not to her. This was... her cute, sexy little noggin.”
  — Michelle (11:41)
• "This fish is the only fish in the neighborhood to refuse GLP ones. ...I’m big, I'm beautiful, and you all look the same.”
  — Brandy, Fish Report (33:39)
• "Help." — Michelle, as Beatles lyric suggestion for Joao’s breakup speech (49:53)
• “Do you still eating that cheesecake? Stop pretending to cry where you’re eating that cheesecake!”
  — Brandy, as Joao dumps Ellie (52:47)
• “Joao’s Break Up Cake” — On-screen cake label, delighting the hosts (53:01)
• “The Grace Jones of fish…This fish is always going—this fish listens to a lot of house music if you ask me.” — Michelle & Daisy, Fish Report (41:40-42:00)

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Structured Timeline of Major Segments

• 00:50-04:27: Daisy’s crew venting; Joao/Ellie flirtation drama
• 06:05-10:50: Eddie & Jenna: the awkwardest courtship and cringeworthy future talk
• 17:00-17:30: Ben’s ongoing guest cabin power move
• 18:07-21:24: Joao attempts patching things up with Ellie, Daisy’s encouragement, romantic confusion
• 23:07-26:13: Eddie's disastrous date questions; mini golf, tips, zoo, and Jenna's disgust
• 33:39-47:26: The Fish Report: aquatic fashion, spy dolphin, and jellyfish tap dance
• 48:01-53:23: The cake is delivered—and Joao dumps Ellie mid-slice, to the hosts’ comic horror
• 54:24: Jenna leaves Eddie for Ben
• Closing: Fish Report wind-down & hosts’ closing banter

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Tone and Language

True to Watch What Crappens’ irreverent, comedic style, the hosts employ playful exaggeration, pop culture references, and comedic analogies. Their language is casual, full of puns, wordplay, and the occasional Bravo deep cut, creating a lively recap ideal for Bravo fans who crave both sharp commentary and silliness.

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For those who missed the episode: expect biting relationship analysis, Bravo name drops, and an underwater fashion critique—the perfect blend of snark and affection for reality TV’s messiest yachters.

Transcript

[Michelle]

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[Brandy]

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[Brandy]

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[Michelle]

Get started with a free Pura 4 diffuser when you subscribe to 2 cents monthly for six months. Shop now at pura.com. There's so much that happens. Hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. This is part two of the recap. If you missed part one, go check out your podcast feed. It's right there. And without further ado, let's get right back into the recap. Daisy winds up talking to Jason. He's like, javi, good night. She's like, wow, today's gonna be the day. I lost my a few times. Mike and Alicia both came up to me and they were like, what you gonna do about this? And I went off. I was like, do not come to me and make this my problem. I was really upset about it. Okay, well, you know my policy. Don't engage in it. We're here to work. Crash yachts into docks. And if you can't do that, then find another job.

[Daisy]

Have you called one of them a Thundercut Fitness yet? Sometimes that works.

[Michelle]

Get out of here, Joao.

[Brandy]

Well, Elysian are micro adults. They need to learn to work in these environments. And here's what I do. I stand at a doorway and I slowly back away into the doorway and pretend nothing's happening until the boat starts sinking or crashes into a Achilles. On deck.

[Daisy]

On dock, rather.

[Brandy]

Sorry. Are you gonna come on the catamaran with us? He's like, I don't think so. I've got a pair of boobs I'd like to play with. Don't tell me one of the stash got a nice pair of bazumbas I can't wait to put on for you. Guys are on what? Can't wait to see what they look like in a captain's lounge kimono.

[Michelle]

I think. I mean, get onto an E foil and cruise around the island. That'll be fun. I don't understand anything you just said. So now they're gonna go on. Now it's time for the catamaran. So now they're hopping on. It's the next day, by the way. Didn't mention. Maybe we did. Maybe you mentioned it. And I Zoned out. Who knows? But we are on a new day. And Jason is. He gets on that e foil, and he's like, sort of zips by them, and they're like, look at Captain Jason. They're, like, waving at him. The last they ever saw of him. No one ever saw Captain Jason again after that day.

[Brandy]

He got a spoiled, and now they are just on this boat having fun and stuff. And it's Joelle's birthday. Wowee. So Mike comes up to Ellie, who's still kind of bummed, and he's like, hey there.

[Joao]

How you feeling after yesterday? She's like, I feel okay. He hasn't spoken to me.

[Brandy]

Well, I'm a little curious about one thing, though. Do you mind me flirting? Do you like having a little. Oh, my God. It's like going up to a woman at a funeral and being like, God, you look great with a veil over your head. Mind lifting that up for a little blowy? Like the. She's in mourning.

[Michelle]

Yeah, she really is. So the producer is like, why do you want to stir the pot with your boss? Do you see you and Ellie having a little bit of a boatmance together? He's like, look, at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And we get on well. Energies match. We've got similar interests. We both have lots of hair. His goes down, mine goes up and around. And me and Ellie, we could get

[Ellie]

up to a little bit of mischief.

[Michelle]

Who knows?

[Brandy]

Oh, he's so gross. And I feel. At least he goes, so do you. Do you mind a little bit of a flirt?

[Joao]

And she goes, it's not an issue. It's not something that bothers me, like, so bored.

[Brandy]

And he's like, so you're giving me permission to flirt with you?

[Joao]

She's like, knock yourself out.

[Michelle]

Wow, Sparks. That's what you call chemistry.

[Brandy]

This is why her. This is why her only fans is booming.

[Joao]

Come to my only fans. I take a nap while you jerk off.

[Michelle]

So Joao and Daisy are talking, and

[Ellie]

Joelle's like, I literally don't even know what Mike is saying.

[Michelle]

Well, you need to. You need to stop about the mic thing, okay? Concentrate on you and Ellie. You need to go, and you need to speak to her.

[Ellie]

You are right. I will speak to Mike.

[Michelle]

No, to Ellie.

[Ellie]

Absolutely.

[Michelle]

And tell her how you feel.

[Ellie]

Okay, let me try this one out. Some days when you bite into a cupcake, you think they could use a

[Michelle]

little bit more frosting.

[Ellie]

So then you go to the bank and you take out some money and you think, whatever Happened to cash. We're in a cashless society. So, anyway, I'm glad you understand where

[Michelle]

I stand on all this. Thank you.

[Daisy]

You know when cats eat something and it looks delicious, and they say, zoom, zoom, zoom, and then they throw it up, and you think, me, maybe they didn't like that. You're like that food, but then the cat eats it again. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Guest Announcer]

Not really.

[Ellie]

Okay, everyone knows about Garfield the cat, but did you know about Heathcliff? So not to be confused with the Heath bar, because Heath bar has actually a Crunch. Heath Bar. Crunch is an ice cream. Ice cream that is sold by Ben and Jerry. I never met Ben, nor did I meet Jerry. But if you put them together, they become berry. So here's the thing about berries. They are only available in certain seasons. And my favorite berry is the BlackBerry. But I also like a blueberry, so I think you can understand where I'm coming from.

[Joao]

I want abs, and you will marry me if I keep my abs, is what you're saying.

[Michelle]

Absolutely, no and yes.

[Brandy]

So now we go to Ben and Jenna, and Ben's like, good to see you.

[Joao]

What are you up to? You're having a good day?

[Jenna]

She's like, yeah, I'm having a good day. I love the silence.

[Joao]

I don't know what you're saying, but I'm gonna assume it's something that I'm handsome and relatable.

[Brandy]

And so he's.

[Michelle]

I'm not exactly sure what you were saying was it's a commentary about Vivica A. Fox.

[Daisy]

Huh?

[Michelle]

So joking. Taking a stab in the dark there.

[Joao]

You could never fail with Vivica Fox saying that right now.

[Brandy]

So he's taking her picture, and, you know, that's what. Listen, every influencer girl or influencer wannabe wants is a man to take their pictures. And we see it all the time when we meet these. The best relationships in a reality show environment is a man who is taking good pictures of you. We've seen it multiple times. Katie Janela will never divorce her husband. That man follows her around with cameras and a ring light.

[Michelle]

That's right. Adorably so. If you could have. So I'm saying I met the crappies just there on the side, like a adorable little.

[Brandy]

Little influencer love right there. That is real love. And so what I'm saying is he's playing with her heart because he has no intention to be with this girl. Do you think?

[Michelle]

I don't think so, but, you know, I think he likes these sort of, like, diminutive Smaller girls remember Bunny. And he was like, hello, Bunny. Whatever her name was. And he just likes a mumbly British girl. No, no, her name. It wasn't Bugsy.

[Brandy]

I wouldn't call her diminutive. I mean, she was.

[Michelle]

Yeah, it was the girl that he called Rabbit. Hello, Rabbit. I don't remember her. Emily, I think her name was. Maybe. If. If her name is Emily, I'm like, wow, I apologize to my parents for pushing out a really hard fought education to remember the girl's name from below deck. From.

[Brandy]

You're really good at this. Actually, you've solved a lot of trivia in this episode alone. You're naming people all over the place. Yeah. Every time I bring up some random person, you're like, oh, his name was Dominic. And he was the angry French person. In season 4.2 episode 4 episode 10

[Michelle]

please don't mention Dominic. We cannot be bragging about how I have great recall on all these people's names, but I couldn't remember Dominic's name at the time.

[Brandy]

You remembered it, just not his last name. Poor Dominic. Okay, so now Eddie, now we get to see a moment of Eddie flirting with Jenna. And ugh. So he's like, wow, nice bikini. I want to see you in your home comfy clothes. What you'd wear at home. You know, a couple of our kids suckling on your breasts. Me coming back from not working all day, you working at home on the computer while you're supporting our children. God, I can't wait for that.

[Jenna]

She's like, I look hideous, but I

[Brandy]

want to see that, to see it.

[Michelle]

Someone. Someone gets Seymour Krellborn out of there. This is. Stop it. You're not. This is not attractive.

[Brandy]

I can't wait. You've got baby spew coming down the funny of nightgown. You say, please, honey, I'm too tired. And I say, come on, I've earned it. He's like, doing what? You don't even have a job. And I say, I love you. And you give it to me anyway. And you like it. I mean, it's just so gross, this guy. So he's like, you can just sit there with a little smile on my head and say, that'll change. And she's like, I don't think it

[Jenna]

will change though, because I like to

[Joao]

dress up where I'm going.

[Brandy]

He's like, no, no. But you know, you think that. But then years go by, you know, and then you start realizing that there's not really much to do. You're just at home with Me sitting at me staring. I've stopped shaving my nuts. You don't really ask why because it's too awkward. I smell like somebody else. You don't really ask why because I'm paying the bills, aren't I? You're disgust. I mean, this guy, like, this guy's dreams are so gross. He's like, immediately wants to meet somebody and just put them in Eddie jail, you know, just like. Like live in my beige little studio apartment and watch me play PlayStation all night.

[Michelle]

I know. I mean, he's not lying about anything. Yes, you will be wearing dumpy clothes and you both won't be as hot as you are now and like the trajectory, but. And that is actually, by the way, a really lovely thing. But when you're. You've just met someone, you don't want to sell them on that dream. You sell them on the dream of. Come to 20 years from now, we're still sailing the seas, going to ports of Genoa, off to the Taj Mahal, or maybe to Sydney to see the Opera House. And you'll be looking hot because you'll always look hot and you'll always be fashionable and I'll be hot. Don't be sitting there saying, like, can't. I can't wait for the two of us to be eating Lean Cuisines every night on our TV trays watching Wheel of Fortune.

[Brandy]

Exactly. It's like your third. It's like three days you've been into each other. Like, please stop it. Yeah, don't just be like, wow, I could be your feeder. And then you could just sit there in a T shirt and gain hundreds of pounds as I shovel food down your throat. It's like, what do you. He just. His dreams sound horrible.

[Michelle]

It also shows that he's not even really talking to her or hearing about what she wants out of life. Even we know that she wants to live the high life. I mean, that's why she came on this yacht. She thought she was going to be able to attach herself onto some billionaire. And if he just talked to her for like three seconds, he would know that that's the life that she wants. Because what he's saying would be very appealing to some people. If someone says, oh, my God, that sounds great. I just want to be like in my sweatpants and we're watching TV on the sofa. That's what I'm looking for. But that's not who she is. And if you just talk to her, he would actually know that very quickly.

[Brandy]

Yeah, well, he's talking to. He's talking to her, all right? He's talking at her, and he's talking at a noggin. This was his. Her cute, sexy little noggin. So people go eat, and Jenna ditches him and goes to sit by Ben,

[Joao]

and he's like, oh, how are you and Eddie?

[Michelle]

It's like, whatever.

[Jenna]

I'm trying guess.

[Brandy]

What do you mean?

[Jenna]

Well, he's definitely not the person I normally be with, is he?

[Brandy]

I mean, look at him.

[Joao]

Look at his hair.

[Brandy]

I think you're not gonna grow a mustache, are you? Are you? Must mustache contagious, because he's got one. Stupid douchebag. Mustaches contagious, thirsty little mustaches. Watch out.

[Michelle]

Now, there will be some people who will say this is a double standard because Eddie did the same thing to Jenna a few weeks ago where he was flirting with Jenna, but then he went to Alicia, and then everyone got mad at him for that. But now Jenna is, like, basically hopping over to Ben, and that's a double standard, to which I say it is. And that's okay, because things are not perfectly balanced in life sometimes, but also

[Brandy]

because he did it first.

[Michelle]

He ruined it. You know, like, one thing. One thing that I learned in my dating days is, like, the moment you treat something as cat as, like, casual. Like a flirtation is casual, you almost can never date, get it back. Like you. You. If you. You. You sully the importance of it, right? So, like, if you bail on someone and in, like, the first or second date or you're late or you're just, like, not really present, you can still have. You can still reschedule those dates. You can have a nice time, but you've poisoned it. You really have. And you have to work so hard to get it back on track, and usually you can't. And that's exactly what he did.

[Brandy]

Yeah, he did it first. I mean, you cheat first, and then we're in a relationship. But, like, if you're in a relationship and you cheat and it takes a while for that other person to forgive you, no matter they forgive you. You go to therapy, you go through all of that, then they cheat one day, and you're heartbroken. And they're always going to say, you did it first, every single time. And this isn't as bad as cheating, but he did it first. And I don't blame her. She's like, this goes. This guy not only is now suddenly in love with me, he just told me I'm going to spend the rest of my life, like, getting fed, you know, tubs of ice cream while I watch him play a play PlayStation and raise babies I don't want.

[Michelle]

So yeah,

[Brandy]

him. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

[Michelle]

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[Brandy]

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[Daisy]

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[Michelle]

Now. My aesthetic, or at least my attempted aesthetic, is mid century modern. I don't always stick the landing, but that's why I go to Wayfair, because it actually really helps me get there because sometimes I'm bad at curating my own stuff. So that's why you go to some place like Wayfarer and they just have it there for you and just click and buy and then your helm looks beautiful.

[Brandy]

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[Michelle]

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[Ellie]

the 27th to shop Wayday.

[Michelle]

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[Brandy]

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[Michelle]

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[Brandy]

And this season comes with a twist. The villa becomes a full blown reality crossover event with guest appearances from the Bachelor, Love island, the secret lives of Mormon wives and more, turning every stay into its own unforgettable spectacle.

[Michelle]

So pour yourself something decadent because the drama and the tea will be served.

[Brandy]

The new Season of Vanderpump Villa is now streaming on Hulu, and it has never been better.

[Michelle]

So.

[Brandy]

Yeah. This is kind of mean, though, what she does to Eddie. But I loved it because Eddie's an idiot. So Ben also is doing it to Eddie because he sees that Eddie's, like, head over heels, and he tells her,

[Joao]

oh, you know, I just prefer being in my cabin.

[Brandy]

Stuff like that. I'd expect nothing in return. So just, you know, maybe a few cheeky laughs. If you want to come to my

[Joao]

master cabin, I'll be there.

[Brandy]

I'm usually busy masturbating or thinking about masturbating. Generally very tired, but come take a

[Joao]

ride on the Ben Express if you'd like to. Any day.

[Brandy]

Ticket punched.

[Michelle]

So I guess at this point, it's just. It's now just a given that Ben gets to sleep in a nice cabin.

[Brandy]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

In between charters. It's not even. Like, we don't even see him asking anymore. He just goes up there.

[Brandy]

Yep. It's his. He takes the guest cabin.

[Michelle]

Now.

[Brandy]

That's just how it rolls. So. And look how it spreads. Because we were asking Hannah, would you go back on the show? And she said, well, you know, if I could do it like Ben does it. Like, you go. You swim in the morning, you get a nice guest cabin. You don't have to go out with everybody. Yeah, I do it. It's gonna spread. You watch.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Yeah, it will. So now Daisy and Joao are looking at Ellie, and Daisy's like, just go over there, Joao.

[Ellie]

He's like, well, you're making it so difficult to speak to her. I don't know what to do. I'm just. I'm just poor, defenseless Joao. I don't know how to even speak to women unless they are just outrageous. Cut Fittnesses.

[Michelle]

Daisy's like, well, I think I should go over, and I think now is the time. Do you want your cheesecake or not? Like, I just. I just don't know if Joao has feelings for me or not. But it does suck. Rejection does suck. And she's embarrassed and she's hurt, so I do feel sorry for Ellie. So Joao goes over and we talk.

[Daisy]

She's like, oh, God, are you okay?

[Joao]

But I want you to enjoy your zim day. Go ahead.

[Daisy]

Oh, wow. That was actually very sweet that you called it a zim day. Okay. But I want us all to enjoy my zim day. So please, can we talk? Please?

[Joao]

Okay. The reason this night, I thought I felt stupid. It's because I was planning a birthday surprise for you. I baked you a cake. I woke up two hours before work. I got out two hours early on my own time to make you birthday cake. A favorite cake that you mentioned. When you are naked and my finger is in your bunghole. Like, make your special day, make you feel incredible. And what I get is he doesn't want anything to do with you, and he cut things off with you. And that's what hurts me too.

[Jenna]

Out.

[Joao]

That is what hurt me.

[Ellie]

That is absolutely not what I said. And, you know, I'm really sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I. I really want some cake. So let's proceed on that basis and.

[Daisy]

Cake. You say cake,

[Michelle]

You take the cake.

[Daisy]

I would love it. I hope you made us a wedding cake. Wow, this is very romantic.

[Joao]

I never. I never made you promise me anything. I never asked you for anything, Joao. I didn't want to. I didn't do anything, okay?

[Daisy]

And he's like, that's why I spoke to you and told you I couldn't wait to have your children bear them. Actually bear them myself. I was willing to implant them in my stomach and actually give birth to them. And he's like, I'm upset about what Mike said. And he used those words against me. And I've not said anything that I've never said. I don't want anything to do with you. I promise that.

[Joao]

She's like, oh, thank you for saying that. So how do we proceed?

[Daisy]

Well, we have fun. We enjoy. You just be you with me. Me and you walking on the beach. I look down, walking on the beach, and I see two zim steps beside me. And I.

[Ellie]

And I get sad because I can't help but wonder, wouldn't it be nice if I saw a cake footstep there too? When is this cake going to happen? Are we going to really drag this out all day? I mean, really want that cake.

[Brandy]

Really?

[Ellie]

You know, I just want to clarify. I never said I want nothing to do with you. I only said I want very little

[Michelle]

to do with you.

[Ellie]

But the little that I do want

[Michelle]

to do with you does pertain to that cake.

[Daisy]

So you know the Beatles, right?

[Joao]

The car?

[Daisy]

No, the band.

[Joao]

There are cars that sing.

[Daisy]

Okay, what are they said? I want to hold your hand. And I do.

[Joao]

Cars don't have hands.

[Daisy]

Just hold my hand. We're getting married. Let's walk down the beach together.

[Ellie]

Have you ever heard of the song all youl Need Is Love? Well, in Zimbabwe we sing it.

[Michelle]

All youl need is Cake.

[Ellie]

So give Daddy the cake.

[Brandy]

So they. He Walks with her on the beach, hand in hand, and she's like, oh, my God, we made up. This guy's such an idiot. So he goes, I will have to

[Daisy]

break it off with Ellie. But, oh, gosh, it's the only day we get off, so I want everyone to have fun today. So for the time being, so it's not inconveniencing me, I'm going to pretend to like her and tell her whatever she wants to hear, and I'll just have to figure it out later.

[Brandy]

And she's like, let us take selfie.

[Joao]

The day Mommy and Daddy met. Smile.

[Ellie]

After this, I'd like to invite you to my home, which, as you know, is a yellow submarine. We all live there.

[Michelle]

So Mike's, like, watching from a distance. How does stand upright without his spine? I don't understand. How do you stand upright with all that hair on your head?

[Ellie]

Stop it.

[Michelle]

Don't make me defend Joao.

[Brandy]

Jenna and Eddie are going on a date, which is hilarious because Jenna has already totally dumped this guy in her mind, and she's just waiting to see if Ben's fucking with her or if he's really gonna hook up with her, you know, and you just see it all over. And so everyone's like, oh, my God, they're going on a date.

[Jenna]

These cute kids.

[Joao]

And it's like, oh, God.

[Brandy]

So you're right. They walk 10ft from the boat to this little restaurant where nobody's at. It's Ghost Town. And Daisy and Jason are like, let's watch on binoculars. God, could you get your knockers out of the way? They're in the. They're in the viewfinder. He's like, sorry about that. God, I can't stop playing with these things.

[Michelle]

They really, really must have bad WI fi because if you're resorting to watching these two on a date, then you really have nothing to do on that boat.

[Brandy]

And why is it not paying the Netflix?

[Michelle]

I think so. We've always lamented the Net, the. The. The below deck dates. Like, they're just the worst thing to watch on this show. And it occurred to me that Bravo really only sends them on dates if someone is not into it. Like, have we ever seen a date that's just, like, bubbling with chemistry? It's usually some. It's usually like a douchebag. And then the girl's disinterested. Or a girl who's super interested, like an Ellie and the guy who's not interested. I mean, which is, I guess, the exact definition of. There's someone who's usually not interested. I mean, no one could be as disinterested as the audience.

[Ellie]

But.

[Michelle]

But they. Bravo always does this. They create these awkward fake dates that we have to sit through. And I guess it's supposed to be funny because we see how awkward these dates are. But, like, don't do this to us, please.

[Brandy]

That's all my requests. This was a bad one. So they go on this date, and Eddie's like, so, you know, if someone could say, what do you dislike about Jenna? What would it be? What, is she interviewing for a job? What the fuck kind of question is that? What's wrong with him?

[Michelle]

Is he trying to neg her? Is he, like, trying to do that thing? Is he trying to make her feel insecure? It's not working. And she's like, What? I don't even know who Viva AOX is. Either way, I do.

[Brandy]

It's all exciting.

[Michelle]

He said that?

[Brandy]

So he's like, yeah. Is that true? Because there is a fun side to you. You know, the Jenna laugh. That's what I call it. Just me. So I'm the only one who calls it that. You know when I do it, when I laugh. God, How'd you know, by the way?

[Ellie]

Don't.

[Michelle]

Don't tell her. Oh, there is a fun side to you. You're implying that, generally speaking, people see a boring, sad side. I mean, this guy's just, like, an idiot. He's an idiot.

[Brandy]

This guy's so stupid. I can't.

[Michelle]

She has an interesting anecdote.

[Ben]

Everybody used to call me spongebob in school because I used to laugh like spongebob.

[Michelle]

Okay, both of you guys need to go into separate corners and just stop talking for the rest of the day.

[Brandy]

You're actually both terrible at this. And then he goes, what? I was called high balls at school because my balls just didn't drop for ages. So you came from a whole school of very obvious things to say. First it was the Jenna laugh whenever she laughs and her name is Jenna. And now it's highballs because your balls didn't drop. She's like, good to know.

[Jenna]

So they dropped. Have they dropped?

[Brandy]

He's like, they have. I can show you on that one if you'd like to see them.

[Michelle]

So over on the boat, Patul is the only one doing something productive, which is that she's watching a tele novella, so good for her. And then in the galley, Ellie and Ben are icing the cake. And Ben's like, how's my little galley warrior? Are you good? Does that count? Does that have. Does that require a bead in the. In the jar? I think Galley Warrior is actually not that flirtatious, so I think I get away with that one. My milky Milk Dud. Oh, damn it.

[Brandy]

I'm losing my touch here. So Ellie's like, oh, I'm great.

[Joao]

I had conversation with you all on the beach. It might have been misinterpreted. Maybe he didn't express himself well. But we're good now. Let's get back to the cake.

[Brandy]

It's like day seven on this cake.

[Ellie]

The cake continues.

[Michelle]

So Eddie and Jenna are still on their date, and he's like, so what would be, like, a fun date that you'd like to do? Like, mini golf's classic. How about going to a movie? Prepare. She is so disgusted. And then he's like, she is disgusted.

[Brandy]

I like when she goes, ah, fuck mini golf. Fuck that.

[Joao]

You fucking kidding me?

[Brandy]

Like, I could take you to the zoo.

[Joao]

You like the zoo states? The zoo stanks.

[Jenna]

If I had to choose between Ben and Eddie and the lifestyle, I want my future to look like. Eddie wants to backpack. I don't even own a backpack. I'm close, but with Ben, his luck, he's more refined, and he likes to find the terms in life, and I don't have to feel guilty for that.

[Brandy]

Girl, he's a chef. He's a restaurantless chef. What do you think? Ben ain't buying you anything.

[Michelle]

Well, I think considering that both relationships aren't going anywhere, I think I'd go with Ben, because at least he's funny.

[Brandy]

At least you can at the end of the night, you know, yeah, he's

[Michelle]

toxic, but at least he's funny and can cook me some food. Otherwise, I mean, you have to go backpacking with that guy. No, thank you. Although I do like miniature golf, and I will stand up for it. So. And then, oh, the worst part of all, Eddie doesn't have enough money to pay for the tip at the restaurant. Okay, sir. Sir.

[Brandy]

Yeah.

[Joao]

So they leave.

[Brandy]

Eddie had a lovely evening. Jenna says nothing. Cause she's like, oh, God. So we see Jenna and Daisy back on deck, and Daisy's asking her how it was, and she's like, you know,

[Jenna]

I touch a gentleman and suck you up. But there's, like, nothing I would normally go for. I mean, he did most of the talking, and it was very bad. Did you know his balls dropped, like, a week ago?

[Michelle]

And then Ellie and Eddie are talking in the crew mess, and she's like,

[Ben]

oh, you guys went up date? I'm so happy for you. You guys did comprehensive review of your genetics and decided to merge them as well.

[Michelle]

It's like, it was lovely. It's like, well, it was just nice to have that stick, you know? So, meanwhile, Ellie texted.

[Brandy]

Wow.

[Ben]

It's like, oh, Joel, I would love to give you your birthday surprise. I've worked 45 days on it. Come see me soon.

[Michelle]

Which is, by the way, this is so, like, video gamey. It's like you get a message and it's like, I would love to give you your birthday surprise. Meet me at the docks. It's like, new mission meet so and so at the docks. I guess I say this because I started playing a game, a game called Tiny Books Bookstore, where you. Where you build a tiny bookstore and bring it around town. And, like, ladies around the town are like, this is a great bookstore. Come meet me at the cafe. I want to give you some books. And it's the best game ever.

[Brandy]

Your boyfriend is, like, the only boyfriend who literally doesn't have to worry. I've never known a boyfriend this lucky. He can go out of town for months at a time working, and you're sitting at home playing a game where you make up a bookstore and get little messages from ladies.

[Michelle]

There's a lady named Tilda, and she's like, the town. She's like, the town gone of gossip. And she's like, could you sell these things at the flea market for me? And you're like, sure. And, like, the challenges that you do is that, like, people come into your bookstore and, like, I'm looking for a book that's classic but also takes me to different locations. Got a pick. And then you have to look through your bookshelf and you find one and you read all. It's actually making me want to read some more. And you pick. You curate a book for them, and hopefully they like it. It's just. It's just a great game.

[Brandy]

So Joao sees Ben. He's going to go chat with Ellie,

[Joao]

and Ben's like, oh, she didn't get the message. Did.

[Brandy]

He's loving this because he just helped her make the cake. So he knows Jaws like, well, I

[Daisy]

guess I said the message wrong. You know, I held her hand and said we were getting married and I did that Beatles thing you do, you know? But I don't want there to be any gray areas. I want it to be black and white.

[Joao]

Okay, so what are we up against? A kiss. That's it, right? That's not a big deal.

[Daisy]

But she wanted more, you know?

[Joao]

Well, I know she does, but she'll be fine.

[Brandy]

She'll be.

[Daisy]

I might have impregnated her. I'm not really sure. I hope I didn't, but it's happened before.

[Brandy]

All right, so he writes her back

[Daisy]

and he's like, a surprise. Let's meet on the bow in zim minutes. I'd also like to chat.

[Brandy]

So of course he's gonna dump her right when she's made a birthday cake. I mean, this fucking guy. So Ben sees Jenna, and Ben's like, you wanna go outside and listen to these two idiots? So they're gonna go, just eavesdrop on this. And that's, you know, that is a good couple who's like, do you wanna go listen to idiots cry?

[Michelle]

Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. But you're right. Like, why not, like, eat the cake and then, like, do it the next day? And in fact, I mean, not to sound. Not to be toxic, but as long as you're gonna be toxic, your way out is to say, you know, I was thinking about it, and I think this is still just going too fast. I mean, the cake was wonderful, but it made me realize, I think we are looking for different things here. Let's just be friends, you know, Truly

[Brandy]

toxic way is to say, you know what? I was all in on this relationship, and then I tasted your cake and it sucked. Your cake sucks. And I'm really sorry. I can't be with someone who makes such a terrible cheesecake. And that's it. That's it.

[Michelle]

Just put it on her. Make her feel guilty. Yeah, but then she'll. But it's Ellie. So she'll make, like, cheesecakes every day. Like, how about this one? How about this one?

[Ben]

How about this one?

[Brandy]

I learned.

[Joao]

I learned really well.

[Michelle]

So, yes, commercials. Here comes one right now.

[Brandy]

My favorite place in the world. The whole entire world. And I've traveled quite a bit the past couple of years, but my favorite place is still my bed. I love my bed. Sleep is so important to me. I just love sleep. It's like the best time to be awake is when you're sleeping. And the most important thing to me is a comfortable bed. Duh. The most comfortable bed I found by far is the Legend hybrid mattress from Leesa. I love it.

[Michelle]

It's really, really good. This mattress is killing it. You know, it was a top rated hybrid mattress. Cnet.com even said it really lives up to the hype. It's got a breathable cover with a sustainable blend of cotton and bacteria resistant Merino wool. It's just so incredibly comfortable.

[Brandy]

Plus, Lisa is committed to eco friendly materials, sustainable manufacturing practices and partners with organizations like Clean Hub and Green Worms to help remove harmful plastic waste from the environment.

[Michelle]

Oh, oh. And this is something that I really care about. Lisa has been awarded best hybrid and best memory foam mattress by New York Times Wirecutter, which I put a lot of faith into. And it's also featured by West Elm as their go to mattress partner. Go to Lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off with promo code crappens exclusive for our listeners.

[Brandy]

That's L E S a.com promo code crappens for 20% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know.

[Michelle]

Check out Lisa.com promo code crappins.

[Guest Announcer]

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[Joao]

Weather, traffic.

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[Michelle]

Ben and Jenna go to eavesdrop. But maybe, Ronnie. Maybe it's time for us to eavesdrop on some fish.

[Brandy]

Fish report. Fish report. Now it's time for a fish report. This fish is the only fish in the neighborhood to refuse GLP ones. It's like, I don't care what y' all bitches are doing. I'm not doing it. I'm big, I'm beautiful, and you all look the same.

[Joao]

Bye.

[Michelle]

This is a. This is a big fish that would be generally unremarkable except for the fact that it has a big, beautiful fin back. Like a fin. The tail, I should say. And that's like this neon green. It's big, it's colorful. It's like that one person in town who's pretty basic, but they get like a sassy haircut or they like, bleach their hair in a certain way. They're like, look at me. I'm into rock. And you're like, okay, yeah, I agree.

[Brandy]

I think this is a beautiful fish. This is what I would like to think. I would be like, if I had gone to prom, which I didn't, no one asked and I did not care, but just like big and beautiful and the best dressed and everybody else just looks the same and stupid, you know, I'd just be like, I'm not here

[Daisy]

to dance with you. I'm on my way to the buffet.

[Brandy]

Send me to the buffet.

[Michelle]

Definitely a business in the front. Party in the back for this fish.

[Brandy]

Yes, girl, yes. Okay, that's that fish. Then we go to this heel. Is it Neil out of shark?

[Ellie]

No, I think it's a shark.

[Michelle]

It's like a speckled shark. We've seen the speckled shark before. But just like, the shark is like. Well, so you may have, like, a big fancy tail. But my tail is menacing. It's like a knife, but a graceful knife, you know? But the speckles. The speckles are always very strong on this shark.

[Brandy]

I just. Is this a shark? I mean, how can it be a shark when it has. It has, like, shark in the front. Eel ass.

[Michelle]

It has eel ass. It's. To me, it looks very sharky.

[Brandy]

I need my fish to be more specific. I need to know what you're going for. And I just feel like this shark is trying to be too many things to too many people. And that's why it's single. That's why it's swimming all alone in the water. You can't be.

[Michelle]

Every Coco Chanel says, edit one thing. It's like, either have the speckles or the tail, but you can't have both.

[Brandy]

Exactly. Cut your tail off and we'll talk.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Brandy]

Oh, my God. Spy dolphin.

[Daisy]

It's spy dolphin. It's spy dolphins by dolphin.

[Michelle]

This is the first time that we have encountered, I think, a dolphin on the Fish Report. Technically, this is not a fish. This is a mammal. But it's in the. It's in the realm of the fish. Dolphin making its debut on the Fish Report. Prancing around, having a great time. Like, there's like, some other, like, a tuna back there that's like, oh, my God, there's a dolphin. It's a spy dolphin. Get out of the way. Don't say anything bad about the government.

[Brandy]

We're not doing anything. We. We take this route every morning. Stop staring at us.

[Michelle]

I'm a starfish. What are you guys talking about?

[Brandy]

Can I just say to the person who dec. Oh, you're a starfish?

[Michelle]

Sorry, no, just like, the dolphins, like, trying to be, like, real chill. Like, guys, I'm not a dolphin at all. It's like you're blinking.

[Brandy]

This is starfish I'm hanging out with.

[Daisy]

Where's the turtle? You want to hang out?

[Brandy]

Turtle want to hang out. You're not a starfish. You lark it out of this neighborhood. I the whoever decided dolphins were going to be called mammals. Get over yourself. That. I hate that person in a meeting who's like, okay, okay, we're on the ocean. Everything is swimming. But we're just gonna classify maybe like two things as mammals instead.

[Daisy]

Just to. With everybody because technically they have a

[Brandy]

little bit of hair on their tonsils or whatever the. They have. And now they're. Now they're considered. Matt, get the out of here. They're in the water. They're fish. That's it.

[Michelle]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brandy]

That's.

[Michelle]

That's a. It's a strong statement, but very happy to welcome dolphins to the fish report. Very happy.

[Brandy]

Even spy dolphins.

[Michelle]

I like.

[Brandy]

The dolphins are so cute. Look how it's like playing with the camera. It's like, look, it's like rolling over. It's like, I love you looking straight at us.

[Michelle]

He's doing a hell of a lot more than that shark you keep accidentally stumbling onto. We had to include the shark because this shark has become one of the. Not a. I don't know, not an unsung hero. But the sleeping shark has come back. It's a recurring character on the Fish Report. And I just still think it's so funny that there's this one shark that refuses to move. It's like, I just. I just. I don't feel like being in the hunt anymore.

[Brandy]

I don't feel like chasing version. This is the fish version of Eddie's perfect wife. Just someone lying there in an apartment,

[Michelle]

never moving, just waiting for Jeopardy to come on. You know, it's just. I've never seen a more bored shark in my life. I. I feel like the. Any footage of sharks that you ever see, they're swimming around menacingly. They're just doing crazy things. And this one is just like, I am taking a nap in the sand. I've just never seen. Is it even alive? I'm not even sure it's alive. They just probably found a dead shark and decided to film it.

[Brandy]

Yeah, this one's not even moving. Last time it was at least kind of moving. This one, you see dust flying past his head. Nothing's happening. But also, sharks are designed so odd. Like, you can't sleep properly because you have to sleep on fins. Like, hello, did we think of that? When we thought of like, hey, how are shark gonna sleep? I mean, not to diss God, but like, hello, what were you thinking? Okay, this is not one of your perfect designs. Let the man have a good rest.

[Michelle]

I will say though, like, the shark, the sharks are like sort of more tubular than say like a lot of the fish, A lot of the fish are sort of like these like, like narrow. Like I feel like you could. If they didn't want to kill you, you could probably hug a shark, you know, probably wrap your arms around him, just hug it, you know. But you can't do that with a fish.

[Brandy]

That's true. I've tried. So next we go to this crazy looking thing. I don't know what, what the hell is this thing? I can't even conceptualize where it. There's an eye.

[Michelle]

This is an octopus that's preparing for a fight outside the mall. It's like clapping its arms.

[Brandy]

It's an octopus. But wait, it has like, it has fins. Look.

[Michelle]

No, it's just, it's like, it's just doing some pizzazz. It may be, but what are those octopuses? It may be two octopuses hanging out,

[Brandy]

but it's like, it's like twirling something. It's like twirling.

[Michelle]

It's like, it's just, it's, it's got flaps. You know, sometimes these octopuses have weird things on them.

[Brandy]

Flapping because his eyes are down here. This is a fabulous octopus. I have to say, the outfit, it's like neon yellow, neon orange, neon, like sci fi blue. I mean, this is a fabulous.

[Michelle]

It sort of looks like piece of work. Does that sort of look like the inside like a movie theater? Like the lobby of like an Edward Cinema or something like that? You know, it's like Friday night movies. And this is what, like the neon lights and like the color scheme, like that's the carpet, see?

[Brandy]

Angelica. But this is the, this is also. And I'm sorry because I just called it fabulous. So this is gonna sound like a contradiction, but I've just noticed that it has combed forward all of its tentacles. It's like the mic. It's the mic octopus.

[Michelle]

Well, I think it's, it's come forward.

[Brandy]

That's why it has. That's why it spins on its head. It just got back from Turkey.

[Michelle]

Look, I feel like it's two octopuses having sex, honestly. Or maybe it's one octopus fighting another one. I feel like, I feel like the eye on the left is not attached to the octopus on the right. I. I think it's two Things happening here. There could be a fight. Maybe they're in a fight. Or they're either having sex or they're fighting. Something's happening here.

[Brandy]

Well, this is better.

[Michelle]

Like a marine biologist time in.

[Brandy]

I would like to know.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Brandy]

Okay. So then we have this. Is this a. This isn't a fish.

[Michelle]

Well, it's just. It's just a big clamshell. But I. I think it's beautiful, though. Look at the. Look at. It's just as clamshells go, you know, as suggestive as suggestive items from the sea go. This is just gorgeous. The. That. That blue ribbon that goes through it.

[Brandy]

It looks like that wood art that people make with that clear liquid that you pour into.

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Brandy]

And it gets hard. What's it called?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Brandy]

And they want to say. But it's not that.

[Michelle]

It's like. No, but. Yeah.

[Brandy]

You know what I mean? Right. People make tables out of looks like that. Yeah, but it needs to do more. Oh, this fish is gorgeous.

[Michelle]

I love the Grace Jones of fish.

[Brandy]

Oh, what a gorgeous fish. So this is, like, on the bottom, it's black and white spotted. And then on the top, it's black and leopard printed. And then the tail is a mixture of both. And then the lips are open and they're painted orange. What a gourd. And this fish, you know, is like, always singing.

[Daisy]

It's like

[Michelle]

this fish is always going, this. This fish listens to a lot of house music, if you ask me like that. When you say it's speckled on the bottom, it's like, it's big, chunky ones. Like, it almost looks like a. Like a. What do you call, like, it's like, looks like flagstones or something like that. Like a soccer ball. But my favorite part is how where its eyes are, it has this white strip. It's got, like this dark coloration, but then has this white strip around its eyes. It just feels very glam, very David Bowie, Grace Jones. And it's just like, this is the chic one. It shows up. It's like fashion forward. It knows what the trends are. It's going to the Met Gala. This fish is doing it all.

[Brandy]

It's fabulous, but it keeps bumping into things because it's like, got a thing over its eyes. It's like wearing a scarf over its eyes. It's like, oh, God, the scarf is fabulous. But I can't see a thing.

[Michelle]

This fish was friends with Basquiat at one point. I don't know if you guys know that. Yeah, that's true.

[Brandy]

The Leopard print doesn't really match the outfit, though. I'm just gonna go out and say it. I'm no fashion. Fashion gay. But it kind of doesn't match. But I guess that's what makes it work.

[Michelle]

Yeah, she doesn't care.

[Brandy]

Is it about to eat this coral? Look, it's going right up with its open mouth. I don't know. That's the thing. You always think it's about to eat something because its mouth is always open. It's like, oh, no, it's just about

[Michelle]

to say something about Andre Leon Talley. It's like, oh, my God, what an icon he was. From my right.

[Brandy]

Okay, so then we go. Then we get some crazy jellyfish in this episode. These are gorgeous. These are like spotted mushroom. Are they lighting the fish now? Are they lighting them with, like, black light?

[Michelle]

I'm not.

[Guest Announcer]

I'm not sure.

[Michelle]

But these fish are. These jellyfish are. Are blue. And they have, like, sequins, like little. Not sequins, like little studs almost. They look like they're going to a fundraiser. And it's like he Bow Bryson is performing and they're like, gotta get ready.

[Brandy]

Yeah, it's beautiful in movement. But then look at this shot. And it just looks like a nose with blackheads all over it.

[Michelle]

It's a nose.

[Brandy]

It's a nose with blackheads. Yeah.

[Michelle]

Okay, well, that's ruined. It's not as elegant anymore.

[Brandy]

You're ugly now. Sorry. We're moving on. Okay, this is a drunk seahorse. The seahorse is like, oh, the.

[Michelle]

This is the Tilde Swinton of seahorses.

[Brandy]

Yeah. I'm up.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

I know.

[Brandy]

I'm back down. I can't wait. Is someone at the door? No, I don't. Why do you keep barking? Stop barking. No one's at the door. Someone at the door. Oh, God. Stop barking.

[Michelle]

Well, this is the last time I ever go swimming in marshmallow fluff. I'll tell you one thing, this thing does not come off. People don't know. I'm actually a bright color of yellow.

[Brandy]

This is another sea animal that God was like, you're never going to sleep. Well, I'm not going to make you. I'm not going to make you shape that you can sleep. So in order to sleep, you're going to have to grab onto, like, roots with your tail and just sway. That's what you get.

[Michelle]

Now this. You know what? The seahorse sort of looks delicious. Mainly because the seahorse looks like it has a vanilla glaze on it. Dipped it in glaze. I'm like, oh, I've never wanted to eat a seahorse before, but this one, I can't help but I kind of want to lick the seahorse right now.

[Brandy]

It also has a chicken nugget body, kind of.

[Michelle]

I know. It's. It's one of the strangest creations if you really look at it.

[Brandy]

This was gorgeous, though. I loved it. Okay, so now we have, like, a little. Is this a snail?

[Michelle]

It looks like. It looks like a snail. It looks like it's probably would kill you if you touched it. I feel like it's got, like, poison.

[Brandy]

It's like a black snail with, like, yellow globs all over it, coming out, like, pastules or pestles.

[Michelle]

Because there are some, like, snails that are super. Like, they'll kill you. Like, river snails that are like some. I don't know, like the horn snail or something. Another. This one I'm not with, but it is. It's gorgeous. It is. Like, this is. This is. This is like Grace Coddington, what's her face, who works at Vogue. They're all. There's a lot of fashion forward fish today. And this one is, like, not approachable. Like, you have to go through three assistants just to get an email tour,

[Brandy]

you know, or the one that's, like, always sick. And then you're like, you have to come into work today. You're calling in sick all the time. And then they show up and they're snot coming out of, like, like, open wounds on them. And you're like, why did you come in today? Because you made me come in. It's like the one day you weren't faking it.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And I have to say, this nail could also is a little bit meta because it sort of looks like the snail. It was. It was like spirit day in the office, and you had to come up with a costume. So it, like, made us took its sweatshirt and stuck a bunch of goldfish crackers to it and said, well, since we're under the sea, I thought this would be an appropriate look.

[Brandy]

And then it rained, so they kind of melted. It's like, oh, God, that just looks stupid. Okay, so now we get more jellyfish. Now, these jellyfish are important because they're not normal. They're really small, and they don't just go like this. Yeah, that's the sound of, like, a normal jellyfish swimming dark. These ones are.

[Michelle]

Yeah, they're very sexual. They look both like. Like penises and sperm all at the same time. Like the full. Yeah, the full spectrum of male sexuality.

[Brandy]

It's like the one time Bob Fosse jellyfish was like, we're tap dancing today. They're like, okay, let's do it. We're jellyfish, but we will try it.

[Michelle]

Well, hello, fishy. Well, hello, fishy. Yeah, they're dancing. They're having a great time.

[Brandy]

And that was the fish report. That was the fish report. Okay, so now Mike and Eddie are working. Okay. Oh, Ben and Jenna. Okay, so Ben and Jenna are going to listen to this conversation. So Ellie comes with the cake. She finds to see. She goes to the bow to see Joao, but he's on the different level.

[Joao]

She's like, how do I get down there?

[Daisy]

And he's like, well, you come down to the lower deck, walk through the room that looks like a wedding chapel. I'll be waiting at what looks like an altar.

[Joao]

It's like, okay, I'm coming.

[Ben]

So it's my very first lemon meringue cheesecake, and I've been working on it for what feels like three days. Happy birthday, Genetics.

[Ellie]

And he's like, oh, well, thank you a lot. I appreciate it. My birthday wish is that I can marry you someday. Oh, God, why do I keep saying these things? Okay, I'm gonna keep it very black and white. Very black and white. Okay. My favorite color is gray. Ah, no, I'm doing it wrong. I'm doing it wrong.

[Michelle]

What do I say to wear? What do I say?

[Daisy]

Is this lemon merengue? I hope we dance the merengue at our wedding. Oh, God, please stop.

[Joao]

So Ben is watching lemon meringue cheesecake. And Ben's like, oh, God, here we go.

[Brandy]

Now this is when I. I mean, I've already, like, yelled at the TV a lot this episode, but this is the first time I was like, whoa, this.

[Jenna]

This is.

[Brandy]

You can get more discussed. Why would you eat the cake? You know you're about to break up with her. Tell her, wait, I can't take your cake. Listen.

[Michelle]

Yes, I need to have.

[Brandy]

Don't eat the cake while you dump her. I mean, what a monster, dude. So she has the cake. She gives him a piece of the cake. He eats the cake, then asks how her day is. She's like, great.

[Joao]

They eat the cake. And Ben's like, I told us she saved that cake for the guest, but

[Brandy]

she didn't listen to me.

[Michelle]

Yes. He's so mad.

[Ellie]

Or just serve it to the crew.

[Michelle]

And Ben's like, look at that body language. She's very open, but he's closed off. He's got his arms and his knees and everything up.

[Ben]

And so she's like, well, everybody wants to hear. They want to tear us apart for whatever reason. And it hasn't, like, really even been coming from us. It's been coming from, like, all the other people. People want to keep us apart.

[Ellie]

And he's like, yes. Well, you know, I guess I've played into that as well. I'm not gonna lie. I guess instant karma is gonna get you anyway. What's a. What's a good Beatles song for this moment?

[Michelle]

Help.

[Ellie]

Okay, that's a good song.

[Daisy]

Blackbird singing that of Sim. Take these broken wings and please let me dump you this time. Okay, listen. Here's the truth. I am attracted to you.

[Ben]

Oh, good.

[Joao]

We are going to conceive, baby, on your birthday. Nine months. Nine months after Daddy's birthday.

[Daisy]

Nope, nope, nope, nope. The truth is, I'm attracted to you, but I didn't mean to mislead you. And if that's how you felt, it was very misleading.

[Brandy]

She's like, what?

[Joao]

I thought we were sorting things out.

[Brandy]

What?

[Daisy]

Well, I thought we were on a mutual ground where we can be friends. And I really regret not being more stern about what I said. I thought I said we are only friends. I barely like you. Who are you? Whose hands are those on my naked butt? Oh, God, that finger in my butt. Okay, that did feel good. That part felt good. What am I talking about?

[Ellie]

Let me put it to you this way. In life, sometimes you take the long and winding road. And unfortunately, that is a road that I must go on alone, but with you by my side. Because we'll be married soon. So I hope I made this clear how I stand.

[Ben]

Okay, well, the entire time you've been saying that you want to be respectful and you want to get to know me, and you want to continue getting to know me.

[Ellie]

Well, to be fair, it's been a hard day's night, and I don't really know where to. Where to go from here. But, you know, it's been a day in the life for me, so that's very difficult.

[Daisy]

I do want to keep getting to know you, but it doesn't mean I want to be with you. I apologize to. And I'm trying to fix what I've wronged, but I'd like for there to be a way for us to still be friends. Basically, I'll be on a boat, and you'll be on a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine you just leave alone on a yellow sum. Do you understand?

[Ellie]

I. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are here, but I am nowhere. I'm a real nowhere man. Do you understand? A person who's nowhere can't be here at the same time.

[Ben]

I don't understand. But you know what? Thank you. You've explained your stance.

[Joao]

Thank you for that.

[Ben]

We are moving on in a professional matter. We are co workers and that is it. And I don't want friendship, I don't want chit chats and I don't want hugs. I don't want anything. We are co workers and that is it. And by all means, enjoy the cake. I put in a lot of effort, which is why I'm not throwing it in your face.

[Joao]

Goodbye. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever see.

[Brandy]

And he continues to eat the cake. This. So she goes inside, broken. And I said, this man is gonna cry now. And of course it cusses you out

[Daisy]

going, I don't want to hurt anyone. It's not fair. If you're open about things right from the start, you're going to serve. It hurt later on, but, oh, it's such a stupid thing.

[Brandy]

Do you still eating that cheesecake? Stop pretending to cry where you're eating that cheesecake.

[Michelle]

Yes. And then Ben and Jenna go, come show. Like they go down there to join

[Ellie]

him and he's like, well, there's a nice lemon meringue cheesecake if you want to enjoy it.

[Michelle]

So they, they go. And Ben's like, well, I'm going to taste it and I'll tell you what it tastes like. It's promising. That's a good cake. I mean, how could you turn that away? And then they do a close up of the cake like they do for all the food that comes to the table and says, joao's break up cake. I cracked up.

[Brandy]

I didn't see that. That's funny. So Joel goes in and Jenna's like, happy birthday Stamp. Eddie and Ben's like, let's, let's look at the.

[Joao]

Let's look at the stars.

[Brandy]

I reckon that's Venus. Please.

[Michelle]

It was the moon. He's crazy.

[Ellie]

It was the difference between the moon and Venus.

[Brandy]

Well, at least the camera showed us the moon. And Jenna asks him why. He knows.

[Jenna]

She's like, did you have a telescoping shot?

[Joao]

He's like, I did physics.

[Jenna]

I did physics too. I love physics. But I was about sting as an intelligent. But I was about students.

[Michelle]

What was that? Okay, sweetheart, I'm gonna go inside to watch who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Good night. So they get into bed and then. And Then we see those suggestive jellyfish.

[Ellie]

It's like.

[Michelle]

And it's like.

[Brandy]

It's like the almost time to climax.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Brandy]

It's 5, 10am Jenna gets up and goes to Ben's bed and they make out. Done.

[Michelle]

Done.

[Brandy]

That's it.

[Ben]

Done.

[Brandy]

Wow. What an episode. Joao strikes again. Joao strikes again. All right, everybody, thank you so much for being here with us. Great times as always. We will catch you on the bonus episode where we are recapping last week's Survivor. Why are we doing it the same day as the other Survivor comes out? Because that's how we roll. But we're gonna have a good damn time doing it. So join us for that. We'll talk to you next time. Thanks for being here.

[Michelle]

Watch what crap. INS would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King.

[Brandy]

Our way is the Amber way.

[Michelle]

It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. Whip up a meringue. It's Amanda E. Lemon. It's always automatic with Ashley Auto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap.

[Brandy]

Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. She's not just a Sheila, She's a Daniella Etchels. We never, never miss or call. It's Diane call Sunday in the park with Dylan Clark. Big yay. It's Emily Gaultier.

[Michelle]

Darren McNicholas she don't miss no Trickolus you'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo Jamie, she has no less

[Brandy]

namey Sipped some scotch with Jessica Trotch.

[Michelle]

She's not a McBee, she's a McBride. Jess McBride. She's our favorite streamer. Caroline Peacock, Christian the Piston Anderson.

[Brandy]

Que sera sera Whatever will be will Lauren Sills be she gets a name from us. It's Lindsey D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy. It's Maisie McHenry.

[Michelle]

Aren't you glad? It's Marianne Ahrens.

[Brandy]

Megan Berg.

[Daisy]

You can't have a burger without the Berg.

[Michelle]

This is living with Michelle Vivian.

[Brandy]

I love a Ya. Olivia Williamson.

[Michelle]

She sure is sweat. Well, it's Raquel.

[Brandy]

Yes, we can. It's Savannah.

[Michelle]

Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.

[Brandy]

Darn skippy. It's Tippy. And our super premium sponsors, she's vvip

[Michelle]

It's Amanda V. Can I have a Kavanaugh? It's Anna Kavanaugh. Somebody get us 10cc's of Betsy MD

[Brandy]

we're taking the Gold with Brenda Silva.

[Michelle]

Let's get real with Caitlin o' Neill.

[Brandy]

Put us on a spot stretcher. It's Charlotte Fletcher Hogle your horses. It's Christine Hogle don't get salty with Christine Pepper can't have a meal without the Emily sides.

[Michelle]

Who, what, why, where? And Gwen Pentland. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish My Favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo let's get savage With Laura Wildman in the study with a candlestick It's Leslie Peacock. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Baron She's a whiz It's Liz Sarthi always killing it. It's Lola Al Kalani. Roger that. It's Marlis Rogers the incredible edible Matthew

[Brandy]

sisters She eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose she's the lady of the house It's Rachel Charouse. There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud she's our princess It's

[Michelle]

Rebecca Prince Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska

[Ellie]

she's the queen bee It's Sarah Lemke

[Brandy]

we cannot tell a lie. It's Sarah Tell of son Shannon out

[Ellie]

of a cannon Anthony, please don't stop.

[Michelle]

It's solely and pop. Let's take off with Tamla playing Strike a pose.

[Brandy]

It's Tori Rose. She ain't no shrinking violet Coutar. We love you guys.

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[Paige Desorbo]

Hey, this is Paige Desorbo from Giggly Squad and this episode is presented by Depop. Okay, be honest. How many things in your closet are just sitting there waiting for their next main character moment instead of staring at them, list them. You can list an item in just a few taps on Depop. Snap a photo and their AI powered listing fills in the details and you're done. It's not giving stressful and it's giving efficient and make money easily. With no selling fees on Depop, no seller fees means what you earn is yours. Your personal taste has value. Someone is literally looking for what you're not wearing. Download the Depop app and list your first item today.