#3329 The Valley S3E04: Date Noite

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Episode #3329: The Valley S3E04 “Date Noite”

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Aired: April 23, 2026

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Overview

In this episode, Ben and Ronnie recap and roast Season 3, Episode 4 of Bravo’s “The Valley,” titled “Date Noite.” The hosts bring their trademark mix of affection and exasperation, dissecting everything from the show’s tonal shift into heavier topics (postpartum struggles, cast feuds) to ponderous scenes with returning cast members like Tom Schwartz. They debate the wisdom of producer choices, the absence of villainous fun, and how dragging interpersonal feuds have left the show feeling rudderless—and less entertaining. Still, they find nuggets of humor, especially in the absurdity of some scenes and the foibles of the cast.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The State of The Valley: “It’s Not That Bad, But…”

[02:34 - 11:14]

• Ben sums up the Internet’s consensus: the season is disappointing compared to last year, largely because it lacks a compelling villain like Jax and suffers from unfocused, drawn-out subplots.
  • “It’s amazing how the show grinds to a halt the moment we have a Schwartz-centric scene and storyline.” (Ben, 03:15)
  • Calls the decision to make Schwartz a full cast member “an abject failure,” and criticizes location choices that break the Valley premise.
• Ronnie counters that Lala's presence is equally unnecessary, and is unimpressed by the focus on “depressing” postpartum storylines:
  • “I have enough depression in my own life. That’s why I come to Bravo. I don’t watch it for this shit.” (Ronnie, 04:55)
  • Both agree the current story mix—too little drama, too much malaise, and a now sidelined villain (Janet)—feels “off.”

2. The Problem of Tone: Light, Campy… or Heavy?

[08:25 - 11:14]

• Ben observes the common TV trap: when a heightened, fun show gets some credibility, producers forcibly shift into “prestige” territory, forgetting what made the show work.
  • “You cannot sideline your villains. The reason why she’s been on the sideline is because the cast… a lot of them are mad at her.” (Ben, 09:48)
• Ronnie suggests the solution is to recast, bring in fresh drama, and let the show regain its fun, ensemble feel.

3. Opening Scenes: Mr. Milker and Domestic Frustrations

[13:58 - 18:17]

• The episode opens with Danny and Nia, straining to find comedy in the exhaustion of new parenthood.
  • Danny tries “Mr. Milker”—a pseudo-breastfeeding bib for dads—but it lands awkwardly due to his previous storylines (groping, “cheeseball antics”).
  • Ben: “Just want to save people on this show. Just show up in my van, throw them in, start a GoFundMe for nannies.” (14:31)
  • The running joke: Nia is clearly exhausted and only half laughing, “blinking Morse code for help.” (Ben, 17:46)

4. Squirrel Rabies and Hammer & Nails

[23:03 - 28:19]

• The male cast hangs out at Hammer & Nails for male spa time. Jesse recounts getting potentially rabies-infected by a squirrel (turns out, not likely), much to the hosts’ amusement.
  • Jesse’s rabies anxiety leads to playful riffs on how men self-care at exorbitant prices—and why Hammer & Nails charges too much for a mani-pedi.
  • Ben rants: “If you’re trying to tell men, ‘hey, you should get a mani-pedi,’ make yourself more accessible” (22:54)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the loss of show’s flair:
  • “This was such a colossal fail to bring this man [Schwartz] back onto the show as a full-fledged cast member.” (Ben, 03:15)
  • “You cannot sideline your villains… that cannot be the A-story here, I’m sorry.” (Ben, 09:48)
• On depressing vibes:
  • “Everybody’s depressed. Then they’ve got Lala and Schwartz on with this fake… make a show or don’t!” (Ronnie, 04:35)
• On parenting burnout:
  • “Just staring off into the camera like ‘help’… blinking Morse code.” (Ben, 17:46 about Nia)
• On the men’s spa day:
  • “These are a bunch of people whose wives hate them. That’s why you go to a cigar lounge.” (Ronnie, 19:21)
• On rabies paranoia:
  • “If a wild squirrel bites me, I’m at the ER.” (Ben, 26:43)

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Segment Timestamps & Content Highlights

[02:34–11:14] Show Structure & Casting Critiques

• Ben & Ronnie debate the faulty inclusion of Tom Schwartz and Lala, sidelining of Janet, and missing fun/proper villain energy.

[13:58–18:17] Mr. Milker & Family Frustrations

• Danny tries a comedic “dad-breastfeeding” gag; Nia’s visible exhaustion becomes unintentional humor; classic “save this poor lady” jokes.

[23:03–28:19] Squirrel Rabies, Male Grooming, and LA Life

• Hammer & Nails scene, squirrel-bite paranoia, and the high cost of male nail salons.

[34:44–39:25] Girls’ Night & Brandon Gossip

• Britney, Jasmine, and Kristen support Kristen’s postpartum recovery and unpack Brandon’s “messy” behavior.

[39:51–48:07] Men’s Cigar Night: Feuds and Fueled

• The guys gather, but attempts at reconciliation (especially Jason & Danny) are stilted. Old wounds, like Janet's use of the word “clown,” are rehashed.
  • “One thing that we clowns do is we don’t let people in easily. So don’t get excited to get into my little car because you’re not invited.” (Danny, 44:42)

[53:35–63:36] Singles Night (Belmont Bar): Forced Flirting

• Michelle, Lala, and Tom attempt singles night at the Belmont in West Hollywood. Instead of genuine romance, the scene is mostly Tom awkwardly flirting (or not), Lala and Michelle being catty to a new arrival (Summer), and much meta-commentary.
  • “You should do voice work. Oh my God help me with my game. I don’t know how to flirt.” (Tom, 56:13)
  • “If you’re gonna pretend to be about something, be about it.” (Ben, 60:43)

[66:21–76:15] Kristen & Luke’s Date Night: The Real Conflict

• Babysitting chaos as Britney, Zach, and Tom fake-support Kristen and Luke’s “date night.”
• Kristen and Luke air their resentments—her burnout and isolation, his plaintive desire to “go fishing,” and mutual lack of empathy. The hosts deeply critique this dynamic.
  • Ben: “I think you’re fishing right now for sympathy and you’re not catching anything…” (51:00)

[76:32–76:48] Wrap-Up Reflections

• Ben and Ronnie reflect on the disconnect between the show’s current approach and what makes good Bravo TV: “The short stuff has got to go. Too much. Not interesting enough. Take notes, producers.” (Ben, 76:48)

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Final Thoughts

Ben and Ronnie find this episode of “The Valley” emblematic of reality TV’s notorious midlife crisis: a series unsure if it should be reality comfort-food or a prestigious docu-drama. The attempt at “real” moments (postpartum, relationship breakdowns) is compelling—but only to a degree, and the loss of villain energy or group-induced chaos makes the show drag. Both hosts plead for producers to refocus on new, fun personalities, and stop forcing unconvincing storylines with aging, disengaged cast members.

Best Summary Quote:
"If you don’t have enough to make a show, don’t put a show on." (Ronnie, 05:09)

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Key Timestamps

• 02:34 – Ben’s “two-pronged” Valley diagnosis
• 09:48 – “You can’t sideline your villains!”
• 17:46 – Nia “blinking Morse code for help”
• 23:03 – Squirrel rabies/Mani-pedi pricing rant
• 44:42 – “Don’t get excited to get into my little car. You’re not invited!”
• 56:13 – Tom’s awkward flirting (“Help me with my game.”)
• 66:21 – “Mariposa caca” and date night setup
• 69:02 – Kristen vs. Luke argument on postpartum struggles
• 76:48 – Ben’s final producer note: “Take notes, producers.”

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This episode is a must-listen if you love Bravo, savage recaps, and watching reality TV’s growing pains mercilessly lampooned.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Well, hello and welcome to Watch what Grabbins. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, my little Ben. Unit tunes.

[C]

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going?

[B]

Good. What's going on with you?

[C]

Not much. I'm just excited knowing that the Summer House reunion is taping as we speak. Like, can you even imagine what's happening right now? Wait, let me listen in. Man, why didn't do that, man? Oh, my God. So nice to hear it's going well.

[B]

I just expected today investments Softer.

[C]

Could you say that softer?

[B]

Today is a show that's nothing like Summer House. It's the Valley. Except that they all live in houses that are very hot at all times because they live in the Valley. It is the Valley. Recap, everybody. If you want this on video or you want bonus episodes, this week is Survivor. Or if you want our free newsletter or discord community or ad free listening, you get that all on Patreon. So thanks to everybody who's a member. Go be one. Okay. This week Amazon Live is different. It will be at 2pm due to other scheduling things within Amazon. So that'll be 2pm this Monday and that specific time. So join us for that. We're going to be talking about splurging on Kitchen Essentials. Okay. Yeah. Now let's get into the Valley. Season three, Episode four, Mary Posa Mama.

[C]

Yeah, you know, the. The sense that I'm getting from a lot of people all around the Internet and just people I'm chatting with is that the Valley's not so good this season. People are like, oh, was it me?

[B]

Good, Was it me? Right before this, this episode, this show sucks. And then I didn't want to say that on the air, but the show kind of Sucks. Okay. But go ahead. Thank you for not.

[C]

There have been a lot of people have been like, the Valley is so bad. And people were saying that with, in the, on the second episode, people. I, I remember after the second episode aired, people were like, the Valley is so bad this season. And I was like, well, it's not as good as last season, but it's not, I don't think it's terrible. Here is my two pronged opinion about it. I, I, as I'm watching the Valley, I'm like, this show is still perfectly fine. My, it doesn't have the urgency perhaps of having a terrible villain like Jax on it, but it's still perfectly fine. But the other prong of it is that being said, we need to start cutting out the short scenes. We. Oh, we. This is not, this is not it. This is not the direction. Watching the. It's amazing how the show grinds to a halt the moment we have a Schwartz centric scene and storyline. I mean, Lala, we can sort of get away with, you know, Lala, she's like a little bit of an agitator. She's trying to. But the Schwartz is so bad. This was such a colossal fail to bring this man back onto the show as a full fledged cast member. The fact that we have to stop and we have to watch stupid scenes of him at the Belmont, which, by the way, the Belmont's not even in the Valley. Hello, hammer and nails. Not even in the Valley. So they're even sacrificing their own premise just to accommodate Schwartz. It is an abject failure. I don't think the show is bad right now. I think the show is perfectly fine. I do actually find the storylines of the various women going through, you know, postpartum to be actually pretty compelling and interesting. But this shit has got to end. No more Schwartz on our tv.

[B]

Well, my question is, why are you leaving Lala out of that? I mean, Lala, Lala's just as bad. She's just as bad. And this whole episode was Lala and Schwartz trying to make something happen when Schwartz has already been dating somebody else the whole time and they know this, so they're wasting our fucking time with their fake bullshit and the postpartum stuff. I know that it happens in real life and it's not that I have no feel feeling about it, you know, like, it sucks. And I'm definitely rooting for both of them against their stupid men. You know, they're sex pest men that they're with. But I don't necessarily want to watch tv, to watch everybody being depressed. That's not, I have that, okay? I have enough depression in my own life. That's why I come to Bravo. I don't watch it for this shit. So it's like everybody's depress. They. Then they've got Lala and Schwartz on with this fake. You guys stop wasting my time. Make a show or don't. If you don't have enough to make a show, don't put a show on.

[C]

Yeah, okay. Well, it's not that I, I, I mean, I, of course, I, I also don't want to see depressing stuff. However, at least what Kristen and, and Nia are going through, that's like real. That's real stuff. They're grappling with real issues with their partners. Their partners are being selfish. But it's fascinating to see it play out and how they're dealing with it. The Schwartz stuff is not real. This is not real. Or is it interesting? And it's also arguably sadder than the postpartum. One of the few things that could be is watching Schwartz try to navigate the world. And like, I'm sorry, it's just, it's just not, it's not good. It's. And, and the reason why I exempt Lala is because I do believe that, like, yeah, Lala, I, I think also doesn't have anything interesting going on. But you put her in a group scene and if there's some sort of discussion, she is at least going to take a. Something, she's going to push someone to, to, to take a stand. She's gonna, she's gonna sort of do the reality star thing. But Schwartz isn't even gonna do that. Schwartz will offer zero. And he seems like a nice enough guy, at least superficially, but it's just not compelling tv. And I think it's, I just think it was laziness on behalf of the producers in Bravo to put him back on the show. I think they needed to cultivate new talent and bring new people onto this, into this group. And, and I know they were probably thinking, oh, but we want to be authentic and like, bring someone in who's an, who's an actual friend to all these people. Like, yeah, but they have other friends in Schwartz. Bring someone else. Bring one of the other people who's wearing a fedora in the background. You know, bring them to the fore. But, like, not Schwartz.

[B]

Yeah, and part of raising kids and moving to a different place is that you meet new people anyway, so new people naturally come into your life. Bring someone in from carpool lane, you know, or something like that. Yeah, I agree with you on all of that. I just, you know, the sad. The postpartum stuff, like, I'm not saying keep it off the show. I think it's just difficult with it being two of the cast members that it's like every storyline is depressing. Like, Bravo. There's always one thing, you know, there's always drama. We're watching things that are mixed with drama and fun. So it's just the mix is off, you know, where it's all depressing and.

[C]

And we also don't care.

[B]

I love this show. Like, I love the Valley. And that's why I care, because I feel like this is the same team who up Vanderpump Rules. And, you know, Vanderpump Rules was up with forcing Lala to go in there and try and, like, force a Tom redemption story and make Ariana film with Tom and Nana and then turn on Ariana at the end just to make good tv. Like, she's part of the re. Her and production are part of the reason that show sucked in the end and why it tanked. So for them to be like, oh, you know what's great? Let's bring back on Lala and Schwartz. We don't need that. You're so taint. This is a new chance, you know, Let these people have their chance. They had a good show before you guys started fucking with it.

[C]

This is one of the issues that happens in TV all the time. I mean, show after show after show, this happens on. It is that when a light, fluffy show, a campy, you know, I don't know, a show that's not taken seriously, whether it's this, whether it's this show, whether it's Gossip Girl, whether it's revenge, whether it's the oc if it gets, like, enough attention and enough clout, where people say, this is actually a really good show and that, like, yes, it is silly and pulpy, but it actually is a really good show, too. Then what happens is producers get in their head and that, like, oh, we've got something serious here. We've got to be about something deeper and more real. And then they come out with a season that is somber and is focused on, quote, unquote, like, the real shit. And, like, we're going to really connect with people because they. The producers, producers who work on these types of shows, who work on, like, things that would not be considered prestigious but are getting prestige acclaim, want to be taken seriously. And so they Follow up with very morose seasons. And. And I think we're sort of seeing that here. You know, we're seeing, like. Like, we're seeing, like, couples fighting. Like, you don't understand me. And again, I actually think that's okay. But what we're not getting is the light, fun stuff. And we have Janet, who's on the sidelines. We don't. We haven't seen Janet in two episodes. And I know people are like, oh, God, I fucking hate Janet. You cannot sideline your villains. And the reason why she's been on the sidelines is because the cast. The cast, like, a lot of them are mad at her. And the producers have to be like, guess what? She's on the show and you have to film with her. But instead, the producers are saying, that's okay. She's on the sidelines because we're going to focus on what it's like for a new. Like a new mom to. To be, you know, struggling with her husband. And I'm like, yeah, that's interesting. But that cannot be the A story here. I'm sorry. It can't. Because, like, what. It has to be about this group of people and how they're all interacting, and there's just no villain, so it's sort of rudderless.

[B]

Well, I say just get rid of Janet, because I don't want to see Janet either. I mean, Janet and Jason have got themselves into this corner. They're refusing to back down. So in a. In a natural friend group. They're not going to be hanging out with a friend group. So get rid of them and recast somebody else. There are plenty of assholes in the Valley. I live there, so trust me, there are plenty of assholes with babies that you guys could cast, and it would be fine. And the original cast of Vanderpump Rules, you know, a lot of them met each other. Like, when they say how long they've known each other, it's always how long Vanderpump Rules was running. So they make it sound like, oh, these people knew each other for so long, they didn't really know each other that long. So eventually, you bond by being on the show, just like a housewives show. So just bring somebody new, please. You're killing this show. You guys, stop it. Stop killing this show. I love this show. Leave it alone.

[C]

Yeah, I think. I think you have this. I think the feud at the center of the season is. Is ruining the vibe of the show, honestly. I think that's the issue. And the fact that they don't know, like the producers, this is the second time they've been stymied by something like this and they don't really know how to deal with it. And in fact, Bravo has to start figuring out a way to handle shows that encounter this, because it happens quite a bit where there's a bitter feud where it's just irreconcilable. And. And then what happens is the show gets mired in it and it's not in a fun way. It's just like, just something that you're stuck with and then the viewers have to sit through it. And so because the cast won't really do normal scenes, we get stuck with, you know, crap like Schwartz going to the Belmont to try to date, you know, a tiny version of Heather Gay.

[B]

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[B]

okay, so let's get into it. Here we go. Season 3, Episode 4 we open at Nan Danny's house. They're trying to be wacky because Danny has looked like a jackass this entire season. So I guess they're trying to have, like, another fun. Danny's just a fun dad scene, and he's singing, pump, pump, pump it up. That's your breakfast, lunch and dinner snackies. You know, you can start selling that. Stephanie. I feel like a human milk factory. I've been breastfeeding or pregnant for five years. Yeah, I just want to. I just want to save people on this show. Just want to show up in my van, throw them in there, take them far away and say, we're going to start a GoFundMe for nannies, and you just need a job. Get out of the house.

[C]

This is terrible. Save this poor lady in Santa Clarita. So Danny's like, well, speaking of babies, so I thought I brought you something over. It's called Mr. Milker, the world's number one breastfeeding device. So it's this thing. You basically put this kind of bib over. Like, men put this bib over themselves, and then they. There's like holes where the nipples would be, and you stick the bottle through the hole, and then you stick a picture of the mom's face on your face, and you kind of like trick the baby into thinking that it's. It's basically, you know, suckling on mama's teeth. And it's so funny because you watch this, you watch Danny doing it like, oh, my God, this fucking cheese ball. Like, but. But what was so funny was that like, two days prior, there was a video that went viral of a guy using this kit on an airplane. And the.

[B]

The.

[C]

The vibe was kind of like, this is a great dad. Look at this. He's basically. It was like, mom's not there, so he's doing whatever it takes to feed this baby. And like, like, everyone's like, ah, what a great dad. And then Danny does it. It's like, okay, sir, enough with your cheeseball antics. Well, it's just.

[B]

It's just problematic because, you know, he had this whole season of groping women. You know, that was his storyline and now he wants to have a storyline entitled Mr. Milker. Like, this just wasn't very well thought through. That's all I'm saying. I looked up Mr. Milker on Amazon. It's actually not part of it that you make the face. The mom, you just wear the vest, and then the dad is milking it. Danny just made it where you put the face. It's like he doesn't even want to. He doesn't want to take responsibility enough where the babies will get used to him doing the milking. He just wants to be like, look, it's milk. And your mom gets a five minute break. And then she's back. Like, no, you have the baby look at your face and want to eat all the time. You know, don't try and pass it off to Nia.

[C]

Well, it's funny because the guy in the viral video also attached a picture to his face. Maybe the. Maybe the video is old and maybe Danny saw it and maybe I'm the one who's late to the party. I don't know.

[B]

I'm sorry that we're not up to date on all of our Mr. Milker

[C]

lore or Mr. Milker content. We're just a little slow, guys. Sorry.

[B]

Yeah, so Danny's like, cost obviously has so much going on because we got four under four. She's wearing so many hats. You know, I'm just trying to get creative here. Just trying to get creative. That fun. How about you get creative and move her back to where she's not completely segmented? You know, segmented away from all of her friends. How about that?

[C]

How about you get creative with some snippers and get. Get that thing tied off, okay? Because she did. She didn't even really want to have another baby, let's not forget. So it's not even about Santa Clarita. It was like, she was like, I'm done. I'm sick of doing this. He's like, guess what? Don't worry, because I'm gonna get Mr. Milker and I'm gonna help out for about two minutes per day. Okay? Yeah.

[B]

Santa Clarina. So Santa Clarita. So they make wacky jokes about this Mr. Milker, and Nia just tries to laugh. She's like, that is so fun. Danny, you're so fine. Just staring off into the camera like, help. She's blinking Morse code for help. And then he's like, hey, little baby, were you traumatized? Now you see that wasn't really Mama. Were you traumatized?

[C]

Yeah, because one of the kids pulls the picture off of Danny's face, and the baby sees it. The baby's like, that's like, you little brat taking the picture off. So then Danny tells Mia, like, show. Yeah. So I. I talked to Luke, and apparently he met up with Jason, and Jason said there are some things that he wants to apologize to me about. And he was like. And she. They basically hand the children off to her mom. And Nia's like, luke said that Jason maybe wants to apologize, or does he want to apologize? Well, he said he has some things he wants to apologize about, but no. They're getting together tonight at some cigar lounge, and all the guys. And Jason just wants to have a talk with me there. I don't know if he could ever walk back being called the C word. I should say the C L word. C, L, O, W, N word. God, I can't believe I just spelled it out. How rude of me. Oh, my God, if I ever get called that again, I swear I'm gonna lose my cool.

[B]

Gosh. Have you ever been to a cigar lounge?

[C]

I don't know if I have.

[B]

Oh, you ask Just because it's so the guys on this show to go to a cigar lounge. I mean, I've. I've been with my dad because my dad goes to meet the guys at a cigar lounge. Let me tell you, walking into a cigar lounge, you look around at those people. Those are a bunch of people whose wives hate them. Hate them. They're like, going to a cigar lounge, you know, to get their freedom from their women. They go smoke some cigars, and then guess what? You come home smelling like a cigar. You come up reeking, just reeking, you know? So anyway, she's like, my dad loves

[C]

cigars, by the way, my dad loves cigars. I don't think. You know, I don't know if he. I don't know if he really went to too many. I think he definitely went to lounges, but he would often, like, smoke them in a patio, like our patio. He always actually love the smell of cigars. I think it's because I just have an association of childhood of smelling my dad's cigar. So when I smell someone smoking a cigar, I'm like, that's pleasant to me. Or pipe. You know, what's the best is pipe. I love the smell of pipe. Do people still smoke pipes anymore?

[B]

Yeah, like steampunk guys or stoners.

[C]

Way to ruin it. Do people investigate mysteries anymore? Because those people definitely smoke pipes.

[B]

I mean, like Poirot or like Sherlock Holmes. They used to smoke pipes, but that was a long time ago. They're done. Pipes are done. They still sell them, though. In head shops. You can get a regular pipe. The same place you can get, like, a weed pipe or a meth pipe.

[C]

God.

[B]

So Nia's like, was there a world where you guys can, like, coexist in the same space? He's like, honestly, I just don't know. There's just so much damage been done by Jason. He's doubled down, he's defended his wife on everything. And then he called me the worst thing you could possibly call someone. I was like, a sexual assaulter, a clown, a douchebag.

[C]

It's just toxic. Can't believe you would call me a clown. Now excuse me while I put on another picture of my wife and have a baby. Sucker the hole in my shirt.

[B]

Now excuse me while I trick our baby into breastfeeding out of my tent.

[C]

So now we go to Hammer and Nails, which, again, this is not the Valley, this is West Hollywood. And I also would like to lodge a formal complaint. Hammer Nails is, like, supposed to be Thicken Nail Salon, but for men, so we don't have any of that stupid women stuff going on there. So I tried to go to Hammer Nails once because I saw it on Shark Tank. They are. They charge like $150 for a mani pedi. I'm like, you know what? Go fuck yourselves. I am. I'm done. And now you're gonna host a short scene. I'm not having it today. I got. I got. I've whipped myself into a frenzy where everything's bothering me now. I'm like, another thing. The way he parked in the parking spot, like, what, you're just gonna leave yourself at a 1.2 degree angle? Get in there at 0% angle, parallel to the curb.

[B]

I like how it's slowly taking you over. You start off by, you know, people are saying, this show sucks now, but I'm telling you, really, it's really. It really doesn't at all. And by the second scene, you're like, fuck this show. And fuck their location scout too.

[C]

I just have, like, long standing resentment towards Hammer and Nails because it looks really cool in there. And I, like, I really wanted to go, but I'm like, I just can't justify spending this much money. And, like, for. For a mani. Petty. I'm sorry. It, like, really bothers me that Hammer and Nail charges that much. Is not right. It's not right. And if you're trying to be accessible, if you're trying to like, tell men, like, hey, you should get a mani pedi. Because it's like, it's not just for women. Like, everyone should be involved in self care. Well, make yourself more accessible. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Seriously. Hammer nails. So Jason and this is my.

[C]

This is my stump issue for 2026.

[B]

Down with Hammer nails. So we go to Jason and Tom and they're, you know, Tom's like, well, I feel great, but I'm going to the Belmont. And I was riffing with Michelle and Lala that like, we were like, we should have singles night. And, oh, hey, hey, lady who works here saying hi. He's like, you want to come with us to the Belmont? You ever been there? She's like, yeah, I've been there. Of course I've been there. He's like, yeah, that's where I met my ex. My. My wife. Well, she's my ex wife now. She really hates me now. Do you want to come? It's like, yeah.

[C]

And Jason's like, well, that's maybe where you're gonna meet your next wife to, dude. It's like, it's the wife's door, dude. That's like where you go. It's the wife's door. It's funny, huh?

[B]

Yes. Matthew McConaughey of Bars. You get older, but everybody else stays the same.

[C]

Yeah, I don't. This is. Okay, this is not being me, being like ranty and silly, but I actually genuinely don't think that they should be going to the Belmont on the Valley. I actually think that they should leave the Belmont for Vanderpump Rules. I don't. I think. I actually think that they need to literally not cross streams like that. Right. Like, the whole thing is that this is the. They've grown up and they moved out of these spaces. So the fact that we're going into a Vanderpump Rules space, I think is actually, like legitimately wrong for the show.

[B]

Well, you know, I see what you're saying and I kind of agree with you, but now that you said it, I'm like, well, but part of the real. You know, if we're talking about it being real, I think if they, if they're going to make Tom Schwartz work on this show, they really should zone hone in on the fact that he's. Or home in rather on the fact that he's like an aging guy. He refuses to age in LA and keeps dating 20 year olds. And that is what the Belmont is. But just do it in a realistic way. Don't make it a date. Night with Michelle. No one's buying that. Watch Tom go in there and skeeve all over young women all night, because that's what he's doing. So that would at least be a portrait of what happens to men, you know, pretty men, when they say in LA too long, like past their prime, and they just refuse to accept it and just, you know, creep out on younger women all the time. That's what I want to see. If you're going to show me that, show me the sad side of it.

[C]

This is what happens to pretty man. And then next stop is the Sunset Strip.

[B]

Oh, he's already there. He's still on the strip. He's still like, hey, you ever ridden a bull?

[C]

Wow. So then Jesse comes by and he's like, okay, guys, let me tell you why I was late. I came from a doctor. I went to get tested for rabies. And so if I start foaming and biting, I'm patient zero, by the way. Like, well done. Did you get cleared? Because if you're not cleared, get. Leave this nail salon.

[B]

You know why you think you got rabies and they're asking someone to, like, cut into you.

[C]

You get. I mean, maybe that's why he wants to get his nails cuts. That way doesn't scratch anyone. But, like, you are in quarantine until you get cleared from rabies or. Yeah, do not meet me at a hammer or nail squirrel, okay?

[B]

Because the squirrels are living large with organic large almonds from Whole Foods, guys. Okay? And Tom's like, yeah, from Erewhon. And he's like, yeah, it's a bougie squirrel. But, you know, like, I put almonds down and he came and, like, hugged my finger with his nails. And then he scratched me and then he bit me. And so I'm like, sitting here and, you know, she's on the computer and she goes, so the CDC said that two animals that there's never been a case of rabies with are possums and squirrels. But, you know, like, I don't know. Then I googled, can I get rabies from a squirrel? And it said, yeah, here's the symptoms of rabies.

[C]

You know, if a wild squirrel bites me, I am at the er. I'm telling you that right now, because squirrels. I've actually heard that. That squirrels are, like, pretty rare with rabies, but they have another disease. I don't know what it is, but they have another one adorableness.

[B]

I'm just. I get bit by a squirrel. I'm just walking down the street, and then I just stop and my butt shakes really fast. I twitch my head a little and keep walking. I mean, what could be so bad? Getting nuts and crack real quick.

[C]

I have one too many friends who have been attacked by squirrels. I think squirrels are super cute, but I don't like getting near them because I've got one too many friends that said, I was walking down the street and a squirrel freaked out and charged at me and ran up my leg. And I don't.

[B]

Mr. Bean,

[C]

my. I am friends with a giant acorn.

[B]

But I'm your friend, Jack Tripper. Like, who is your friend?

[C]

I am. Like, I just try not to get too close to the squirrels. I enjoy a squirrel. And yes, I understand they're just a rat with a cute tail. But you know what though? A good haircut matters in this world, okay? Because guess what?

[B]

We all know the same thing with babies.

[C]

Look, you put a nice wig on a baby, I'm gonna change my tune.

[B]

I always know they say babies are just a rat with a.

[C]

What'd you say?

[B]

Rat with the sweater.

[C]

Cute tail.

[B]

A rat with a cute tail.

[C]

Listen, you see a lady walking down, walking to you in like the quote unquote Karen haircut, you're gonna brace yourself. Any other haircut, you'll be happy. Styling matters.

[B]

Styling matters. Squirrels. Rats.

[C]

Girls understand this.

[B]

Yeah. So Jesse's like, yeah. So then my girlfriend looked it up and then she's like, I can, you know, help find a doctor. She's really sweet. Yeah, she's also someone who doesn't want to live with a rabies infested weirdo.

[C]

Yeah, that's a pretty basic instinct. Oh, you're bitten by something that may have rabies. I think I'll find you a doctor. God, she's so sweet.

[B]

He's like, lost an arm. Like he's bleeding all over the. Maybe we should call a doctor. God, what a good. What a good girlfriend. So Tom tells him that he's going to singles night at the Belmont with your ex wife and Lala. And he's like, oh, I thought you and Michelle were gonna do it. And he's like, yeah, but I would never disrespect you like that unless it was true love. Like if I truly loved her, that would be different, you know? Like I would never uplift the pootie.

[C]

And Jesse's like, well, if anybody's gonna do it, I'd be happy if it were you. He's like, oh, man, that was sweet as hell. Are you serious? I know. Wait, is that the rabies Talking. He's rabid. He's rabid. Okay? Jesse's version of rabies is that he actually becomes sweeter and lovelier.

[B]

A nice person feels like a good husband. So he says, we're strictly Isabella now. And, you know, I don't know what Michelle's out there saying. Like, apparently she's telling Jasmine my friendship with Jasmine and Kristen and everything is a fake friendship. And I'm just a showman.

[C]

And God, they. These guys are really triggered with these circus. Circus terms. You called me a showman. Well, you called me a clown. Well, you called me a ringleader. You said I was a lion tamer. So Jason is like, well, I will acknowledge that in the beginning of first hearing about Lacy and then the whole situation where Janet asked me to block her. I mean, these are sort of small, like, petty things, you know, and all that stuff. And Jesse tells us, I get along with Jason, but still pissed at Janet, the way she treated Lacy last year. Like, okay, look, Lacy said that, like, was like, don't talk about me, and I'm gonna give you a cease and desist. I think. I think everyone on the receiving end of those cease and desists have a right to be annoyed at Lacy.

[B]

I'm sorry, but they never got the cease and desist. She just said she would send a

[C]

cease and desist if.

[B]

I don't know. I'm still Team Lacy. I haven't seen Lacy do anything yet that has been bad. But here's what I've seen about Michelle. Michelle teams up with Janet. So.

[C]

But who do I. If Ronnie, Ronnie, if. If Dom said to you, don't talk any about me, otherwise I'm sending a cease and desist, would you be like,

[B]

oh, okay, I would never talk about you.

[C]

I'll say what I want, but I would never say, I will say what I want.

[B]

No, I wouldn't. Because I would never talk shit about Dom because I have respect for you as my friend. And also, I really like Dom, but I would never do that. That's the difference. Like, I don't think it's crazy for somebody like Lacey. I don't think it's crazy for Lacey. Jesse goes to Lacey and says, these ladies are calling you trash, saying you're a. Whatever. Whatever was being said, of course she's going to be like, tell him to stop. I didn't sign up to be on the show. I'm not getting paid to be on this show. Tell them to shut the up about me. I think that I would be more. I'm more on that side, personally?

[C]

Well, I don't remember what they were originally saying. I don't remember what generated the cease and desist, but I still think that, like, if I were on the receiving end of someone, if someone who was, like, not on the show, who, like, actually actively started dating someone who was on the show and then got mad that, like, people on the show were talking about the relationship, and it was like, I'm.

[B]

You're.

[C]

I'm gonna send you a cease and desist. I'd be like, you. I'm doing my job here. I'm, like, weighing in with my opinion on this relationship. You know, I'd be like, so I. I totally think is justified for people to have been annoyed at Lacy last year.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, annoyed. I was annoyed with Lacey last year, but then this year I was like, I'm not as annoyed with her. I don't know why. I mean, like, the thing on Beverly Hills, you've got Rachel Jesse, it's wearing

[C]

a hat to the restaurant.

[B]

You've got Rachel, Rachel Zo. Talking mad about the new girlfriend of her ex husband, and she's saying, like, this girl's trash. She's a fake stylist, blah, blah, blah. Well, I can understand why Rachel would hate the new girlfriend of the ex. Like, I get that. So I don't care that she's really talking about her, but I also didn't care that the lady came out was like, you, Rachel Zoe. I'm not trashed. And you don't have any right to say this. You want to say it to my face or whatever her. Whatever her social media was, and everyone's like, how dare that lady. No, I think that lady has the right to stand up for herself. Why not? I mean, it's not fair. You know, you're not. These people get paid little already, but, like, to not even be getting paid and to be calling. Be getting called trash on national tv, I think you have the right to stick up for yourself.

[C]

Well, God, am I going to address

[B]

this in the future? What if Lacy comes out to be a total terrorist? I'm like, a team Lacy.

[C]

Well, you never know. Listen, we're allowed to change our opinions, but nothing is locked in. It's okay. Jesse is like, well, I think there's some unresolved issues between Janet and Lacy, and it's really on them to have a conversation to figure it out. So then Tom's like, hey, Jason, how's. How are your feet? He's like, nice and soft. Oh, so it's like, okay, so what singles night gonna be like when you're going on a speed date? Right. And Tom, or. I'm sorry, Jesse asked that to Tom. And Tom's like, well, no, it's that. Honestly, I really don't even care.

[B]

It's a dating night. There's lot. It's not even a speed dating night. They're calling it that. But it's just the single women on the show taking Tom out, basically.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so Jesse's like, well, if Schwartz and Michelle ended up dating, that would be so much fuel for me to use at all times to make them feel uncomfortable. Like I'm pushing them into dating at this point. So they leave and they're talking to the girl at the desk again. And Jesse's like, you got a boyfriend? Because Schwartz here is looking for a lady. He's got a couple of dates tonight at the Belmont. She's like, oh. And they're like, you should go. She goes, well, I'm going to. Don't be surprised when I show up

[C]

else. So guess what? Now Michelle and Lala go to Kyle Chan store. So we're just heading to some more Vanderpump rules territory. And basically Michelle wants to change her wedding ring into, like, a necklace. So Lala is like, asking those questions because I have, like, the setting for mine. And, like, it's going to be really good because I, like, I kind of feel like I want to drop Ocean's Briston and it's going to be amazing. So they're just, like, asking him about the ring and everything, and he's looking at the ring and he's examining it and giving it options and everything, and goes on for a while of examining how to turn this.

[B]

We're literally watching them like, yeah, talk about jewelry. So Michelle's like, yes, I had not put it on, you know, but then I had a flashback of this day. Not one now. Not that I want to get back with him, but it was like a beautiful dime in my life. The proposal was so amazing. He took me on my birthday trip to Paris and he surprised me and there was a photographer hiding in the bag. And it was. He gave an amazing speech. And of course I said yes. It was such a beautiful drib, you

[C]

know, I truly hated him last year. And I'm, like, barely recovering from all the trauma that he did to me, including pretending he was the sort of guy that would take me to Paris every year. Not just once for show, but once my mom passed, I just kind of let it go. And he was mad and that's why he did all that stuff to me. But we did have, like, a really beautiful time for a long time.

[B]

Yeah. But they are still not divorced. Yikes. So it's been two years. She's like, I just want to be divorced by this year. This is my goal. So then we go to Jasmine, Brittany, and Kristen, and they're going out to dinner, and it's girls night.

[C]

Girls.

[B]

My girls. Girls. Girls. Not girls.

[C]

Girls. Girls. Not girls.

[B]

Not. Because Kristen's really depressed, and so they're Christian.

[C]

What can I.

[B]

What can I do? Cheer you up? Would it help if I did this lot? Any. Contagious. Isn't it contagious?

[C]

Kristen is feeling sad. She just. She's unhappy about how she looks, and she's really taking it hard. And they're trying to really boost her up and everything. And she's like, you know, you're only three months out. You know, it's all three months. And they're like, yeah, come on, Kristen. She's like, it doesn't change how I feel. And so she's really sad. So she goes to the bathroom and she says, you know, she just feels like. I just feel like I'm this weird new Kristen in someone else's body now. So she comes back, and they're just trying to boost her. And Jasmine's like, do you think that hanging out with the girls makes you feel a little bit more comfortable being out in public? She's like, no. I mean, I literally texted Luke when I got here, and I said, I'm never leaving the house ever again. So they're like, okay, Brittany, do you got something? Got something.

[B]

Anybody? Anybody? Anybody able to be helpful here? And Jasmine's like, okay, you know, I just want you to know that we're, you know, here for you. And, like, if you need stuff like girls night or dinner or something like that, you know, we're here.

[C]

Yeah, we're always here.

[B]

It's like, oh, God. I just. God, I don't know if you know this Britney, but, like, about law. So, like, do you know this Britney? And she's like, oh, my God. I do know because Brandon is the one who told her. I mean, I can't believe Brandon got so messy. I was like, brandon, it shouldn't have been you with the gossiper. And he was like, apologizing to me. Like, oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. I feel like I started the drama. He also lied, you know, which is kind of the issue. Like, if he had started the drama and then actually stuck to his guns. But then to start the drama, to be like, I never said that. What are you talking about? I didn't say that she said you were fake. I said that. It's not like she said that you were fake. Come on.

[C]

So Jasmine's like, do you think Brandon is like a messy person? Is he trying to be messy? No. No, he's not. He asked me to be his girlfriend, though. Is that right? Kristen's like, what? You didn't tell me. Oh my God. Well, you know, he had dinner the night before Naya's party. It was just like so much. And then they brought a baked potato to the table and I was like, oh my God, there's a baked potato.

[B]

I left with two boyfriends that night.

[C]

You're a cool potato. So Jasmine's like, this guy is messy as hell. He lives for five hours away. He's got two or three baby mamas. I mean, it's just too much. And I think Britney is not seeing it that way. Pop the puss, but let's not pop labels, okay?

[B]

So Britney's just. Britney's like, y' all just be happy for me. Just be happy for me. Brittany, they're watching you crash into a wall again. Okay? It's not everybody's job to constantly be happy for you when you're making stupid ass decisions.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So then we go to the guys. Luke, Jesse, Tom, and Jason. They're at la casa for cigar night.

[C]

Yeah. So Jesse is like, so you a cigar smoker? And Jason's like, I'm like a reversible Clinton. Like, I have the. I have trouble not inhaling. Huh. Like reverse Bill Clinton. He's like, wait, no, no, no. I mean like, oh God, that could be multiple things. Oh my God. And so Luke goes, sia, did you bring your knee pads? Haha. You just admitted that you like giving blow jobs.

[B]

So Danny's not there yet, but. And they're not sure if he's coming, but he's coming. And he's squirting milk at them out of his boobs. Like, hey, guys, four under four. All right, all right, let's see what Janet has to say that. I mean, Jason. Sorry, my bad.

[C]

Commercials. Here comes one right now.

[B]

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[C]

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[C]

So whiskey or Jesse arrives and he brings like a bottle of whiskey and Tom is like, oh, wow, this is like, this is like the adult version of Oreos and milk. And Jesse is like, it's like, yeah. Danny, are you partaking in a little whiskey? Ah, no, no, I'll just have the Pellegrino. You just can call me Danny Pellegrino. And I'd have some scotch bud. I don't want to be labeled by Anybody around the table here. God forbid. God.

[B]

Like last week when he was taking shots and then saying, I'm just going to have a mocktail. A mocktail, Danny. So sad.

[C]

Jeez.

[B]

So Jason's like, well, you know, I'm coming here with flowers tonight. Like, essentially, there are things that I'd like to apologize for. You know, I have a lot of regrets about how I handled myself emotionally. You know, like, I got for. Oh, God, lack of a better word. Triggered. We're still using that one, right? That's still get out of jail free card, right? Triggered. I'm triggered. You know, I'm very protective over my wife, you know, but there was zero organized, systematic takedown, okay? That never happened. Oh, God. All right, so we're just here to. What's the point? You know? I mean, did La Costa just need the publicity?

[C]

Yes, probably. So then he goes, well, listen, I'm not here to be friends with you, to be honest, okay? One thing that we clowns do is we don't let people in easily. So don't get excited to get into my little car because you're not invited.

[B]

He's like, well, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm not here to be friends with you either. Great. Especially hearing this perspective now, how you could treat me this way right after I was triggered. Right after. And looks like what's happening here, this night is supposed to be about us coming together, accepting my mullet, and never telling me to change it. But not only are people not apologizing, you know, like, hey, listen, the big apology, guys, is that hasn't happened is for the terminology used on that boat in Maui. Like, that is something that not only not been apologized for, it has been. It's been backed up.

[C]

Yeah. And so then we see, if you're

[B]

gonna date people and then force them to be on reality tv, don't let it be Luke. Like, we need to start making people on this show before you get impregnated. We need your. Your sperm donor to go through auditions, because this guy's terrible.

[C]

I just keep on having flashbacks to last week when he, like, wore his shirt open at that Frontier party and no one else did. So Jason is like, well, okay, I will talk about that right now. So as you said afterwards, like, I did tell Janet, I'm like, janet, I really wish you didn't use that kind of word. And she feels the same way about that. Just so you know, it's like, yeah, but the damage was so major. Do you know how many zombie voiceover roles I lost. It's terrible. It's like. Well, Jesse's like, it's inexcusable. Yeah. And it's inexcusable and so major. And these bridges are burned. And he's rolling his eyes, and Jason's like, I'm rolling my eyes a little bit at the excusability. Oh, yeah. Okay. I did nothing to them. They took somebody else's situation, weaponized it that they had nothing to do with, and just bulldozer it over and over again. Listen, if I wanted to rub the inside of jazz shy and said, get a drink for daddy, I would have done it, but I did to someone else, so therefore, I'm off the hook.

[B]

Yeah, but here's the thing. Like, if you get drunk and you do something weird and terrible, like, it's not just affecting the person you did it to, like, it's gonna make other women in the group feel weird, dude. So, yeah, my wife felt weird around you. And he says, what I did to your wife? And he's like, well, what'd you do? My. You made her feel weird in the pantry, first of all.

[C]

Oh, God.

[B]

We're going back to the pantry. Just get out. Like, Janet and Jason need to stop this. Like, they're gonna up it this year. You watch. I can't wait to see what their new thing is like, why this really triggered Janet. It's gonna be some vile thing, the trip he went to take a shot in the pantry. So he closed the door. He wasn't coming onto Janet in that pantry. Stop.

[C]

So Danny is like, oh, my gosh. And guess what? I apologize for that. It's like. And Luke is like, I love you, Danny, and I think we have all a great time together. But we can have a great time together. And if a couple people are very much at odds, like, you know what? Can we tolerate each other? Yeah, well, we'll get there. I have to speak to my other insane clown, Poshy France. Danny's like, all right. I guess Jesse says that Danny's like, I'll take some time.

[B]

I don't like being called all sorts of names, all right? And I'm just sick of it, and I don't want to have that anymore, but I can try. Could you please stop rubbing your own breast? God, these just feel so good. Don't they? Anybody want to try them? Daddy's here. Come to Daddy. Come to dad.

[C]

Does anyone know why Jesse is foaming into a cigar? Guys, just a logic reaction, I'm sure. Nothing too serious.

[B]

So now we see Zach and Benji shopping around at a sex store. That's all we get. Naturally, people are like, why isn't there more Zach in this season? And they're like, okay, Zach, you have a chance for a scene. He's like, oh my God, let's go look at dildos.

[C]

And then Lala's getting glam for no apparent reason. And then Kristen and Luke, the breakers in Luke's house. And Danny comes over and Luke is like, hey, so you like how my garage looks? Looking a little bit better. He's like, yeah, it looks a little bit better. Hold on, let me see. Do I want to touch the inside of this garage's thigh? I think I do. You did it. You made this garage look real good.

[B]

You know what? The show really needs more of Luke. So Luke's like, well, the garage is coming along and Kristen just thought we she should hide everything. So she brought curtains to like hide everything. Danny's like, sounds about right. Sounds like Kristen. Strong curtains over stuff. Sounds like her to me. Yeah. And like, okay, so cigar night. I mean I, I was more moderator than being on your side. I won't do that. I have loyalty to you. I'm sorry. He's like, well, you know what? I was a second away from not coming and when I get hurt, I get really hurt. But then I thought, you know, I've got an hour and a half to drive and think it over. So I did that and the ship sailed and I don't need it in my life anyway. Let's not talk about that anymore. Let's talk about real fun stuff. How's Kristen?

[C]

Well, Saturday, Jeff and I went to Taco Bell. Who's Jeff? I don't know. I just met a guy named Jeff. I said, do you want to go to Taco Bell? I'm starved for social activity. And Kristen said, hey, stay out as late as you want. I just want you to come to bed and be able to help me in the morning. And I fucked up. And then I, and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. By the way, what we find out is the story is that he went out and got drunk. It's not that he went to Taco Bell. Like at this point in the story, you're like, of the show. You're like, okay, so he went to Taco Bell and he came home and he fell asleep on the sofa. Okay, fine. But no, he actually went and got shit faced. And it wasn't just Taco Bell with Jeff.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like, I feel isolated. I don't really go. I don't get to go fish anymore. And then the couple of times I did fish, I get made to feel guilty, like I'm a bad father or I'm not there for her because I took time for myself. Like, it makes me feel worse than if I just hadn't fished in the first place.

[C]

I think you're fishing right now for sympathy and you're not catching anything on your line.

[B]

Who's procreating with this person on purpose? What is happening here?

[C]

He is going to equate, like, his lack of fishing with what Kristen has to go through. No, sir. So. So Danny's like, well, I can tell you this, you're not the only one going through it. Nia knows that I need to get up and get a workout in just to getting that the right headspace for doing the nothing I do all day. Because if. God, by the way, do you know what it's like to do zombie voices if you're not in the right headspace? There's a big difference between going and going. Right. You can hear. That's the difference between getting a job and not getting a job. I need to get my workout in. Yeah.

[B]

And he goes, well, you all need to go to therapy, you know, because we'll help therapy every once in a while. And he's like, yeah, we do. Kristen doesn't appreciate the sacrifices I made to change my entire life, to be out her out here with her and start a family. Oh, shut up. Stop acting like they get an award for having a baby with somebody that's crazy. Like, she had your child. I think that that wins.

[C]

It's also not a sacrifice if you're going to hold it over her head. When you made the agreement to move to LA and to be on the show and do this, you made that agreement and then don't, like, throw that in her face. You can still go fishing. Okay. And the difference is that, like, you can go fishing and you can come back from it and then you can move on with your life. And whereas Kristen is dealing with really, like, her thing is much more significant. I'm sorry. Than you not being able to go fishing. It really is.

[B]

Yeah. And you had no problem moving here because of this television show that you're currently on. Going shirtless as much as possible, thinking you're all cool. So let's not pretend like, oh, you just moved to the Valley is this huge favor to Kristen. Okay. You're kind of a user, so I don't want to, like, hear you complaining. Cuz you don't get to go fish enough. Especially when you're going out and getting so faced you can't take care of the baby and then fall asleep on the couch.

[C]

Like, yeah, how about the sacrifices that Kristen's had to make? No, how about the sacrifice she has to make of you coming back home smelling like bass trout guppy.

[B]

Oh, gross. So now Michelle, Tom and Lala are going out for singles night and they're joined by Michelle's friend Natalie. Natalie is one. Natalie is one of my best friends. We met years ago when the kids were due. We left our husbands around the same time. So, you know, I want her to hook up with domestic Natalie.

[C]

Natalie really does look like Heather Gay. I was like astounded. I was like, she. She's like the spitting image of Heather Gay. She's like a younger, shorter.

[B]

She'd look like the other Heather. Heather from New York? Heather Thompson? Yes. I thought she looked like Heather. The one who works for Puff Daddy. He was like, yeah, I worked for Puff Daddy. Mamas.

[C]

Holla. Well, either way, she's got big Heather energy. But her name is Natalie. It's so confusing.

[B]

But she acts like this kind of. She's like, she talks like a lady from a smoking commercial. She's like, yeah, tell me about all your problems, Tom. You wanna go outside at the smoking section?

[C]

So this is a singles night where all the single people get to meet people. Or at least that's what it's supposed to be. But then it just turns into Lala and Michelle trying to hook up Tom with Natalie. And so Lala's like, okay, guys, we got four single people here and the three of us are gonna tag team use. Okay. Doesn't that sound fun? Are you ready, Tom? He's like, oh, I worked out this morning. Oh, by working out, I mean I lifted a pillow. It was scary. I had to put it down again. Wait, Michelle, do you have a dating app? She's like, oh, I had Bumble in 2015 and I had just moved to LA and apparently right before I met Jesse, I had swiped left. Cause and turns out that he had swiped right on me.

[B]

Wait, how did you meet Jesse? She's like at the office. But like most of these pictures I see of him is like, you're a douche. Absolutely. Nod. He was one of the douches. I should have known.

[C]

Natalie's like, wait, so have you been on a dating app before? And I was like, no, because I'm really fond of sliding into DMs. So Lala says that her signature thing is. Well, she says, I'm okay. I am not Sheena Shay. I'm not going to give you a laundry list of men who I'm like, who I fucking slid into your DMs. It's not happening. But what I do is I DM them and I give like chef's kiss. I do that. That emoji and like, it works every time.

[B]

Yeah. So now Tom's like, wow. To do like. Do you. Do you like a. Do you. You know what I'm talking about? I like a you. Do you like a Mia? Get it? It's like a chef. And I was like, that is so funny. Tom, are you okay? Yeah. I like your voice by the way. You sound like one of those ladies in one of those anti smoking commercials. Stop it.

[C]

Oh, my God. Am I flirting? You should do voice work. Oh, my God, help me with my game. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to flirt. And this is not like Bailey on Summer House. He does know how to flirt. And he's doing his in I'm a sweet little innocent boy thing because he's got. He's like touching her arms. He's being coy. He's like, oh, my God, I'm so. Oh, God, I'm out of the game. I don't know what I'm doing. I get so shy. I mean, who am I? I'm just a male model who's been on television for 10 years with a certain degree of fame. I'm shy. Oh, my God. I don't know. Like, you know, Tom Schwartz goes out every night and gets a whole bunch of pase and he's acting like he doesn't know how to do it and that. So watching this is just.

[B]

So this is how he does it. This is his flirt? Yeah. He's like, oh, I'm just a little boy. He's really upset about his wife leaving him. Oh, Katie. It's all they think about is Katie.

[C]

Okay. He's still.

[B]

He's still tried in that hole. Like, I'm so sad about my ex wife. Do you want to comfort me?

[C]

It's there. It's so. It's so affected. And they keep on saying how innocent he is. Do you guys not watch Vanderpump Rules? He is not innocent. Okay? Not in the least.

[B]

Like, oh, my God, he's so cute. They went out to smoke. It's like this like Michelle and Schwartzy, they would like be so good. She's like, no, I See him as a child. Like, I love Dom's energy, but he is the opposite of what I am looking for more. I want somebody older, more mature, who does more cogain, who tells me to work out more. You know, somebody more well rounded in general. And Tom. So we go to Tom and Natalie outside smoking.

[C]

Okay. By the way, Schwartz is old. And the fact that, like, that he's not reading as old is hilarious to me. Because when she's like, I want someone that's older, what she's basically saying is, I want someone in their 50s or 60s. Because Tom is in his 40s. It's not like he is a 25 year old, but he is just. He just reads as so immature that she automatically, I need someone older.

[B]

Yeah, she means mentally, for sure. So we go to Tom and Natalie outside smoking, and he's like, wow, you sound like an oracle. Like it sounds like you a pickup line, but it's not. She's like, it is a pickup line, but it's a sweet one.

[C]

There's no world in which you're outside of a bar and you tell a girl, you sound like an oracle and it's not. Yeah, that doesn't even make.

[B]

I'm looking into my crystal ball. I see you're surrounded by cats. Lots of cats have passed in your life.

[C]

And then Tom's like, yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a present. That's why they call it a gift. Wait, how do I. How do you say it? It's just like, I think you have adhd. I don't. I. Undiagnosed. You think? She's like, yeah, undiagnosed for sure. You're funny. Oh, God.

[B]

No, seriously, I think you have adhd. Really? Yeah. So now they get some suckers and they go back inside and guess who else is there? The receptionist from Nel and Hammer. She actually showed up.

[C]

She showed up and she's like, oh, my God. Hi. Where'd you get that lollipop? Can I get one? Oh, I think. I think I've got one more. And Lala's like, who is this girl? You're fucking up the vibes. Where'd she even come from? It's like she was dropped into the bar. I'm like, she was. By a producer. Do you not know how this works?

[B]

By someone who sees that the show is going down and actually wanted to bring someone with some personality into this scene. Sorry, Lala. So Summer's like, will you put it into my mouth? And my hand's full. I can't get the Lolli Bob in there. So hard getting lollipops in my mouth.

[C]

Michelle and Lolly are just like giving the nastiest look to this girl, which is funny. I mean, this girl is completely thirsty. There's no hiding that a completely thirsty person who just wants to be on this show. But at the same time, if Lala is. Is supposedly all about, like, I'm a girl. I'm all about my girls. Like, why are you being catty in this moment? Like, this is supposed to be a singles night for the women to find people. And like, literally it's just a girl's girl.

[B]

I know it's never been a girl's

[C]

girl, as evidenced by this moment right now. I mean, I get it. This girl is thirsty, but also, like, if you're gonna pretend to be about something, be about it.

[B]

Yeah, but how is she any thirstier than Natalie? I mean, Natalie's also on the show to pretend to date Tom to be on tv. And this girl was invited by Tom, so. Yeah, no, Natalie was invited. She was invited.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. So Michelle's like, don't kill the vibe, girlfriend. Keep walking. And Lala's like, yeah, take your half ponies and skedaddle like immediately.

[B]

But like, what vibe is even happening here? Because you guys don't. You're saying this is singles night to flirt with Tom, but neither of you even want Tom. And you just said so, so bring them on. You're the ones who want the date night. Date night?

[C]

Yeah, it's date night. Date night. Then Lala's like, what a block. This girl is like, she's like. And she has shit tzu hair. And I know about shih tzu hair because I've been there. We see flashback of when she did have the same haircut. So Tom's like, guys, look. This is Summer. She works at Hammer and Nails. It's like, oh, yeah, okay, so how do you guys know each other? I don't really even care, but just tell me. Oh, well, so I was with your ex husband, Michelle, and we got a mani pedi together. Cost a lot of money because it was at Hammer and Nails. They really should lower their prices. That way people could go to it more easily.

[B]

You got a Manny and Betty with Jesse. Now he's like, I love a man who gets a manny and a manny, Betty. Not gonna lie, right?

[C]

Truly, like, well, I thought I was doing okay with Natalie, but now that Summer's here, I don't have the skill set to navigate this. I know I've been slutting in the past, but I don't really have a lot of game. You know, when you're a male model and you, you've been famous, you don't really know how to hit on women. You know, it's hard.

[B]

So the girls are telling Natalie, oh my God, we totally found a match. We're gonna hook you up, girl. So Natalie and Michelle go to the bar and Natalie's like, oh my God, he's. He's the dog. You guys are flirting. You guys are like flirting though.

[C]

Really?

[B]

We're flirting? Yes. Do you not feel the vibe? I don't know. Like, maybe you could give him. She's like, what? Kiss him? Yeah, maybe you could give him and then tell me what it is. Like, okay. I mean, just because I would not date Dom does not mean that I wouldn't kiss him. I mean, look at him, he is adorable. He is like a cute little bubby.

[C]

A cute puppy that I would like to kiss. Have you ever kissed a dog before? Like really kiss? Get right up in there. What am I even saying? Anywho, my girlfriend doesn't kiss anybody, by the way, Tom. And she's like, I am so down if he does it so. Because she said something like you were laughing out loud, you made a movie reference, said something about Oracle, that you should kiss her tonight and I will kiss someone else another night. I swear to God. It's like a really sad rom com.

[B]

I can't do it. I'm just such a. I just can't. He's like, you can do it, Dom. You are lame. Come on. It's like, no, I'm not lame. Like, hey, Natalie, you want to have a cigarette? Let's. I'll come out and have a another cigarette with you. Come on.

[C]

So they go out to have another cigarette. That way Tom can now kiss Natalie, leaving Summer to sit with Lala and Michelle. And it's so funny because Lala and Michelle are just completely ignoring this girl. And Summer's just sitting there like, oh my God, I guess I'm a cast member now. It's all working out.

[B]

So Lala's like, someone better get laid in this group tonight. And Summer's like, hell yes, girlfriend. Well, I don't think it's gonna be me because like, I just don't know that I would like try to get a man. And Michelle's like two giz. Lala's like, yeah, you know, she's a full tense. Like the ass makes her a 12. Go enjoy her Natalie. I mean, not you, Summer. Someone's like, oh, my God, Thanks. I'm a 10.

[C]

And Michelle's like, yeah, I mean, shorts. Because they're talking about Schwartz. Like, I mean, why is he being so slow? Like, she's right in front of you. She's like, down. Like. And Lalika's goes, kiss the girl. Summer goes, oh, my gosh. Little Mermaid, right? They just look at her like trash.

[B]

But of course they both got it because they're moms, you know, but they're like. And Mama's like, yeah, this girl from the nail salon is still here. Like, she and her hair are here to stay, and she's ignoring all the signs. So please get the out of here.

[C]

It's a singles night. But we're not supposed to have any singles here. Okay? We're not. We're trying to meet singles. But when we meet singles, they're not supposed to sit and actually talk with us. So now Tom is outside and he's like, oh, God. Howard Lee had vocally to my friends, I'm like, I want a date. Like, hook me up. But, like, quietly inside, there's like, a girl that I've been, like, crushing on. And I'm, like, starting to get warm, fuzzy feelings again. But, like, I don't know if I can say that out loud because I don't want to jiggle it. Like, you know what? Don't say it out loud because honestly, no one cares. So just keep it on the inside.

[B]

Yeah. So is he telling us that he's been dating somebody? Is he? Like, I am like, I'm being secret, you know, I'm not saying anything to my friends, but I actually do already like somebody. That's what he's saying, right?

[C]

I think. I think that's what he's saying. I think he probably just has, like, post traumatic Katie syndrome. And he is like, last time I sort of liked Joe, and Katie destroyed me and destroyed Joe over it. So I'm just not going to say it this time around.

[B]

Oh, so now we go to Luke and Kristen's. They're putting Kaya down, and Britney comes over and she's like, yo, ready for your date night? So Britney is gonna babysit the kid while they go to date night. And she's gonna have the help of Zach and Tom. Wacky guys trying to babysit.

[C]

What? It's gonna be crazy. Yeah, because they had basically said, like, we will gift you one night of free babysitting.

[B]

So.

[C]

So she's like, yeah, well, Britney is really going to be the one to actually babysit Kaya. And then Tom and Zach are just gonna like, fake babysit the baby. Oh, so you know how to clean

[B]

a vagina and a butthole? You better practice cleaning a vagina and a butthole, Zach. I'm not kidding. Geez. So she says that motherhood is ups and downs. She has good days and bad days, but she wants to be mariposa

[C]

Cara. And Kristen's like. And we see, by the way, for those who also wonder why we always call her mariposa, it's because of this clip that they showed, which is that she was in Mexico, or I think she was in Mexico. But she like looks up. She's like, I just want to be a butterfly. How do you say that in Spanish? Mariposa. And the caca is also from Mexico where she went on to a balcony and spread her. Spread her arms went.

[B]

They're showing a lot of Kristen classic clips and I don't think it's serving her well in this episode. Like, just let her be depressed. Like, don't remind. Don't remind her of like, look, here's fun. Here's when you love Kristen.

[C]

She's got shitsu hair.

[B]

You know, Just let the woman have a year of. Give her a break. I say

[C]

so. So that now they're babysitting a little bit and Tom's holding Kaya and Zach. She is like, just so good and so cute. Like, if I could choose like a well behaved child that, like, would make it so much easier. He's like, oh, were you a well behaved child? Oh, no, I was feral. I had colic for like five months and my mom was like, we almost threw you away. Oh, my God. Maybe that's what's happening with Jesse. He's really gone crazy lately. Ever since that squirrel.

[B]

I think the baby wants some milk now. Give her some milk. Hurry up. Give her some. Okay, Let me tell you. Give me the baby. Abort, abort.

[C]

It's too late for that.

[B]

Just give me the baby. Zach's like, yeah, I don't think you

[C]

should say that word around a baby. So now Kristen and Luke are. They go. They're on their date and they're getting like. He's like, pizza and darts. Is this your dream? He's like, better than like a fancy dinner. Like, I don't want to get dressed up. I don't want to get dressed at all. It's like, yeah, well, you want enough clothes on to keep me from jumping on you, apparently. No, I want enough clothes to like, not Feel fat. And I, like, I don't want to put on an outfit, okay? I just want to be comfortable. Luke, I want to have fun with you. I'm just like, ugh, I'm fucking mad at you.

[B]

You're mad at me a lot. Well, I get frustrated because you make promises, and it always, like, revolves around going out or, like, coming home late. So she tells us Luke went out Saturday. This is the other side of the story. Luke went out Saturday night with the guys, and she told him, you know what? Tonight the baby's sleeping. Stay out as late as you want. It's very simple. Don't sleep on the couch, and please help me with the baby in the morning. That's all I asked. But then he came home, he slept on the couch, he was drunk, and did not help me with the baby in the morning. And she didn't bring it up till now because she doesn't want to fight in front of the baby. And so she's like, so, you know, it's like, you don't feel how I respect. And he's like, well, you don't care how I feel or respect me. And he says, well, I feel the same way. Like, you don't respect me. Like, last time I asked you to show me empathy, you said, oh, your life is so hard, Luke. And then you went super hard on me. Like, I didn't even get to fish.

[C]

Luke, don't do the. But what about me? To the mother of your child who is, like, giving up everything to do this, you know, like, she is going through it, and your big thing is that you want to go fishing. Like, no, it just doesn't work.

[B]

Here's the thing. I think that when you're in a couple, and especially when you're having. You are allowed to have these conversations. Like, listen, I think you're being really disrespectful to me, and it's hard for me to, like, constantly be on your side. I'm doing a lot for you. And you're, you know, you treat me like. Or you're constantly yelling at me like, how do we get around that? The thing I have with Luke is that all of his arguments are like, yeah, but you won't let me go out and get drunk. You won't let me go out and get fish. You won't let me. You. Those are. It's all selfish that's coming out of him. You know what I mean? It's not like, hey, you're. You know, maybe we need to learn a different way to talk to each other or, you know, you're hurting my feelings or something. It's all like, why don't I get to do what I want to do while she's sitting there with a baby stuck to her? You know?

[C]

But I also hate the fact that, like, she's saying to him, like, I felt so disrespected, you know, like, it makes her feel like she's alone on this journey. You know, he's sleeping on, he's sleeping on the sofa, literally. Not in bed with her. She's taking care of the baby on her own. She's sleeping in the bed alone. She's doing all this alone. And he gets to go out and have fun. And she wants him to have fun, but like also like, she wants to feel like she's not alone in this probably. And then when she brings that up, instead of him saying like, my bad, I fucked up, and he knows he up, his response is, but what about me? It's like, yes, you are allowed. You are allowed to have fun. And you were allowed to say, look, I'm going through some too. And I feel bad bringing it up because I know you're going through a lot of really, like, big stuff, but I'm going through some stuff. And I also need, like, my partner in this moment. But right now, this is her complaint to lodge, you know, and like, imagine you, like, you, you put a. You put like something in the suggestion box, and the suggestion box spits one back. It's like, well, and here's one for you. It's like, no, that's not. No, I am putting my suggestion in and you are supposed to receive it right now. And we will talk about your thing in a future conversation, or we'll move to that, but let's address my thing first. And that's, I think, just. I cannot stand when people do that.

[B]

Yeah. And so Luke's like, yeah, but I tried to talk to you. And you either shut it down or say, I can't talk about this, I'm tired, I'm going to bed. She goes, well, because I don't you. And he's like, no. Like, why are you even bringing that up? Because you talk about it constantly. And he's like, so I went out one night and I wasn't super capable in the morning. She goes, oh, okay. One night, okay. And he's like, yeah, but like, I'm. I'm trouble having, I'm having trouble being a first time dad too. Like, you're a first time mom. You should understand and like, you know, I've tried to talk to you and like, I'm not allowed to have a hard time. It's not allowed it for to be me and both of us. It's only allowed to be hard for you. Oh my God, you fucking wuss. Grow up. Yes, it is harder for her. Like she's going through all the physical things. She's got all the hormonal things. She's got all the hard part. The easy part is your part, sir. Like, yes, yeah, it is you. It is your job to shut the up and just support her with whatever she's going through. It's not about you and your widow feelings. These men. Child, get rid of him. Get rid of him.

[C]

Did you not get to go out and get drunk with your friends the other night? Did you not get to go out and go to a cigar bar with your friends the other night? Did you not get to do all the things that you're just complaining about? Did you not, by the way, get to go fishing? Because by the way, you did get to go fishing and you told us. Well, I mean, I did get to go fishing, but then I felt bad about it. You're going to do all the things, you're going to do all the things that you're complaining about. And by the way, you were talking about having sex because you were the one who just said, yeah, you're wearing so much clothes to, to stop me from having sex with you. You literally just brought that up.

[B]

Yeah, he's so annoying.

[C]

So let's go back to the dog scene. I'm mad.

[B]

So she's like, well, you know, everything that was confident and safe about how I could feel is now out the window. And it's like he has to trump me. Like, I don't know what it's like being a first time dad. Give me a break. And she's like, don't try and one up me. And he says, well, you have empathy for everybody except me. And it's like every time I misstep, I have to walk on eggshells. Then stop misstepping.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, I can't even make mistakes anymore without you calling them out. You're a dad now. And so he's like, I'm 2,000 miles and three time zones away from my family. I've never felt more isolated than when she was pregnant in la. And I know she loves me, but, you know, it doesn't feel that way. It's been pretty difficult, but it's not allowed to be Difficult for me. You're a wuss. You're a fucking. Have your mom fly.

[C]

Yeah. If you're missing your parents, your family, have them fly out to you. You're the one who has a new baby. Like. Like, they should come to you. Stop complaining. So Kristen's like, will you complain about my pregnancy the whole entire time? He's like, I complained the whole entire time? Yeah. Luke, I thought you were leaving me. Why are you coming for me? Like, you really thought I was gonna leave you? Like, yeah. During the first trimester? Yes, I did. So then. And then he goes, but we both agree that that was not the real you. So apparently, they had this big fight, and in the first trimester, she had these. All these meltdowns. And there's one day where it was, like, a lot. So he said, like, I can't do this anymore. And he probably meant like, okay, this is crazy. I need to step away from. Like, I need a break from your. Your mood swings. But she took it as, I need a break from you. I can't be in this relationship anymore. And she apparently, like, really freaked out about it.

[B]

Yeah. And then I started spiraling. I was like, oh, my God. He means he can't do this with me. Can't do this life with me to have this baby with me. He doesn't want to be a dad. You don't want to be my fiance. Where am I going to get pancakes? Where am I going to get pancakes?

[C]

Like that. Holy shit.

[B]

My world is falling apart. And he's like, you even said you're so grateful I stuck with it. This guy. Why does no man on this show know the right thing to say? Like, yeah, they say always the opposite thing. And she's like, listen, it's a pregnancy. Then it's postpartum, and then it's la. Like, I'm doing the best I can over here. And he's like, well, I'm not leaving you. I would never leave you, Kristen. I mean, there are cameras here. Okay. I'm not leaving them or you guys. Not leaving you guys. Okay, Kristen. But you know, we need counseling. And she's like, I agree. And so that's. He's like, yeah. And then she walks out of the bar.

[C]

And then he, like, looks over at the tv. It's like, oh, well, I guess the game is over. Fine. And then he leaves. So, yeah, another real sunny episode of the Valley.

[B]

Cheese and crackers. All right, well, that's.

[C]

I actually thought that. I actually thought that scene was. Was fascinating. You know, I Do think it's fascinating seeing what these couples have to go through in the wake of a baby. But yeah, the short stuff has got to go. Too much. Not interesting enough. Take notes, producers.

[B]

All right, well, everybody, thanks so much for being here. We will talk to you a little later today with some southern hospital

[C]

by watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King.

[B]

Our way is the Amber way.

[C]

It's the Foster and the furious. It's Amanda Foster. Whip up a meringue. It's Amanda E. Lemon. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clapp.

[B]

Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniella Etchells. We never miss her call. It's Diane Clapper call. Sunday in the park with Dylan Clark. Big yay. It's Emily Gaultier.

[C]

Aaron McNicholas. She don't miss no Trickolus you'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo Jamie, she has no less

[B]

namey Sip some scotch with Jessica Trotch.

[C]

She's not a McBee she's a McBride. Jess McBride she's our favorite streamer.

[B]

Caroline Peacock, Kristen the Piston Anderson. Que sera sera whatever will be will Lauren Sills be she gets a name from us It's Lindsey D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy. It's Maisie McHenry.

[C]

Aren't you glad? It's Marianne Ahrens.

[B]

Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the burg.

[C]

This is living with Michelle Vivian I

[B]

love a ya Olivia Williamson.

[C]

She sure is swell. It's Raquel.

[B]

Yes, we canna. It's Savannah.

[C]

Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.

[B]

Darn Skippy. It's Tippy. And our super premium sponsors She's VVIP

[C]

It's Amanda V. Can I have a Kavanaugh? It's Anna Kavanaugh. Somebody get us 10cc's of Betsy MD

[B]

we're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

[C]

Let's get real with Caitlin o'. Neill.

[B]

Put us on a stretcher. It's Charlotte Fletcher Hogle your horse is. It's Christine Hogle. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper can't have a meal without the Emily sides.

[C]

Who, what, why, where? And Gwen Pentland. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. My Favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo let's get savage with Laura Wildman in the study with a candlestick It's Leslie Peacock we're rider or die for Lisa Ryder Baron She's a whiz It's Liz Sarthi always killing it It's Lola Al Kalani Roger that. It's Marlas Rogers, the incredible edible Matthew

[B]

sisters She eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose she's the lady of the house It's Rachel Shirouse There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud she's our princess It's

[C]

Rebecca Prince Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska she's the queen B It's Sarah Lemke

[B]

we cannot tell a lie It's Sarah

[C]

tell of son Shannon out of a cannon Anthony, please don't stop it's solely and pop let's take off with Tamla

[B]

plane Strike a pose. It's Tori Rose she ain't no shrinking violet Coutar. We love you guys.

[C]

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[D]

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