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Ben Mandelker
Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts it's been
Ronnie Caram
a long, bumpy road dealing with yet another bladder infection and driving to the
Heather
pharmacy to pick up meds. I went over a pothole and a little pee came out.
Ronnie Caram
So now I get to stand in line with pee pee pants.
Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Guest or Sponsor Voice
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Ben Mandelker
Well, hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is freshly broken up from his sugar daddy, it's Ronnie Caram. Hi Ronnie, how are you? You okay? Hello. He is without sugar daddy now. Just kidding. We're talking Real Housewives of Rhode island today. Before we dive into that, get your tickets to our cabaret. If there are tickets left, go to our website, watch crappens.com. go to our social media to find the links. That's where you will get your tickets. That's because we added a third show. Forgot to mention the first two. Sold out. So we'd love to have you join us. Be sure to read our newsletter. It's called Read what Crappens. That's on Patreon. Patreon.com watchall crappens. And Patreon is also where you get our access to our weekly bonus episode as well as Crap is on demand, where you can watch us a week before this content goes on to YouTube, YouTube, YouTube and. And also ad free listening. All the good stuff. So go enrich your crappings. Explain experience in some way or another. Today, Rhode island, it's big news. Kelsey broken up with a boyfriend, and guess what? They're gonna go to Newport. I'm, you know, it's been all of, you know, 36 hours since they went to Newport, but today, let's go back to Newport. Another day in Newport.
Heather
Newport. There's nothing like a Newport mansion. There's nothing like a new nothing like it. I mean, that.
Ben Mandelker
Nothing like it.
Heather
They're amazing. Newport Mansion. So Kelsey is saying, oh, my. I've been lucky enough to be a lady of leisure for 10 years now. My boyfriend's allowed me to live a life of not being able to work. And now I'm at a crossroads where I want more for myself.
Ben Mandelker
And then we. We cut over to Liz's house, and Liz is looking at her cash like,
Ronnie Caram
ganji, you want to walk?
Ben Mandelker
And then all of a sudden, she's
Ronnie Caram
like, oh, yeah, I got a notification on my phone. Why don't we see what's going on my phone? Oh, my God.
Ben Mandelker
And then we see Alicia. Alicia walking outside with the do daughter.
Ronnie Caram
And the daughter goes, it's so sunny today. I love.
Ben Mandelker
The daughter has, like, Alicia's little. She has like a baby accent of Alicia. It's so fun.
Ronnie Caram
She does any today.
Heather
And then Alicia's like, yeah, whatever.
Ronnie Caram
Oh, my God.
Heather
I got. I got. I got a text on my phone. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm literally dead. And then we see Joellen playing with her daughter while the rest of her family's in the pool. It's family day. And then she gets a text. Like Joelle's most dramatic when she gets a cell phone text. What is that, Joellen? Nothing, nothing, nothing. I can't talk about it right now.
Ben Mandelker
So we think like, oh, my God. I'm watching this, thinking, like, oh, my God. It's a picture of Brian. Brian and his mistress out on the town. It's been now, as official, Rula has nowhere else to look, but instead it's Kelsey texting Everyone saying, guys, we finally ended things. Breakup is official. I'm moving out soon.
Heather
Oh, wow, Kelsey, that's crazy. Surprising news. You've brought your boyfriend to the last party. So your new boyfriend Kelsey thinks she's being so sneaky. You're literally dating someone else on camera. Kelsey. Okay, the rumors are that Kelsey was broken up before the show even began and that her ex boyfriend was like, it's okay, you could just use the house. Like, shoot in the house. I don't care.
Ben Mandelker
I heard that.
Heather
Be nice to her to give her something to do. So it's funny that she's like, now it's time, guys. It's time for my breakup storyline. Like, oh, you were fucking a guy on camera last week. Okay,
Ben Mandelker
so the producer says, tell us the story of your breakup with your boyfriend. How did it go down? So then all of a sudden we see Liz and she's at her house and she's FaceTiming Kelsey.
Ronnie Caram
And she's like, hi, how you doing? I just read your text. Yeah, okay. She's like, I'm good. It's like, you're like, you got a lot of going on. I'm good. Why are you saying you're good? You got so much. Come on, Kelsey. She's like, yeah, that's always like my knee jerk reaction to say I'm good, even though I'm not.
Heather
Oh, what is that beeping over there? I'm sorry.
Ronnie Caram
You know, I was trying to find a good red light for my face
Heather
and it's one of the supermarket, check out it, check out things. Actually works really good. You know, my cheekbone is 3.99.
Ronnie Caram
Listen, that's a great deal.
Ben Mandelker
Great deal on your cheekbones.
Ronnie Caram
But you know what? You should wait to wait till they're
Ben Mandelker
a few days old, though.
Ronnie Caram
The price will go down anyway.
Ben Mandelker
I just feel like the relationship has ran its course and there's like nothing
Ronnie Caram
more that I want to get out
Ben Mandelker
of this relationship or that's going to change. It'd be different than what it is now.
Ronnie Caram
I mean, how many times can you
Ben Mandelker
use a guy's barbershop sink before you say, you know what? I'm getting a little tired of this. Right? So it wasn't just.
Heather
It wasn't just one specific moment. It was like, you know, it wasn't just one where I said, I'm leaving. It was like it just kept building and building, and every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it got worse. And by worse, I mean nothing really happened. You know, like my relationship's Unconventional. And so, like, you know, at one time, there was one other person, but as the years went on, there were more people than I initially thought. Okay, Kelsey, you're in an open relationship with a very rich person who said, you can live in my house and be my girlfriend here, but I'm still gonna have girlfriend everywhere I go. Just. That's. That's all it needs to be. You don't need to make it some horrible thing like you were tricked. You were not tricked, and you were dating someone last week. Stop. This town has the worst cheaters of any town that we've ever seen on.
Ben Mandelker
It's so sloppy. It's so sloppy.
Ronnie Caram
Liz is like, I mean, look, I'm not surprised.
Ben Mandelker
And we see a flashback to when they had lunch in, like, the first episode. And Kelsey is like, I feel like for a long time, like, I don't know what the right thing is to do.
Ronnie Caram
It's like, oh, honey, honey, honey. You've never known what the right thing is to do. Okay, I know it's scary coming from a point of view of it all having to, like, to a point of making it on your own, but you can make it on your own. You could be a professional seed taker, Adder of lemons maybe. I don't know. What are your skills? I don't actually really know what your skills are, honey. You just live in a big house by yourself. Yeah, it's been a long time coming. But I'm proud of you, though, honey. You know, I know it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for you.
Heather
She's like, but I want a real, solid relationship. Relationship. So she says, did you leave on good terms? And she says, yeah, we were in bed. And I was like, you know, I think the relationship has ran its course. And he said he felt I was making the right decision. He didn't even fight it. He just said, bye and threw the welcome mat on top of my head, stamped on it a little bit, and threw an egg at me. That was uncomfortable. Then he turned the shower on and left the house. Really not sure what's going on with that guy.
Ronnie Caram
Well, you know what? That told you all he needed to know, babe. It just tells you, you know, this way you don't have to have these ongoing feelings. Right. See how I use that against. Yeah, just give me some time. I was going to use ongoing against you.
Ben Mandelker
So Kelsey's like, yeah, he thought I was making the right decision for myself.
Ronnie Caram
And that's what he said, word for word.
Ben Mandelker
We fell asleep hugging each Other because we both knew, like, it was the end. It meant that, no, he was about to dump you. And he was like, it's like the
Heather
expired milk walking itself out of the refrigerator.
Ben Mandelker
Your date was up.
Heather
You're with some older man who wants to take care of you in your 20s. Okay, we know how this works. We've been watching these shows. We live in Los Angeles. Okay, we know how this works.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah. He's like, oh, thank God.
Ronnie Caram
So she's like, it's the beginning of the rest of your life and I'm proud of ya. Like, well, I'm going to find a
Ben Mandelker
place, first and foremost.
Ronnie Caram
Yeah, I'm here for you. I'll help you out. Don't you worry. It's like, okay, Yeah, I mean, I want to start maybe going through some of my stuff. Can you help me go through some of my stuff? You got stuff. I thought you just sort of lived there. You got stuff. He's letting you keep all that stuff.
Heather
It's like, yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. You're a good. You're a good friend.
Ronnie Caram
Well, unfortunately, we got rid of the boat. You know, I could have put you on the Gypsy.
Heather
That would have been fun. So now we go to. She's like, oh, you gotta.
Ronnie Caram
You're gonna have to have someone to see your lemons. You're gonna get to see your lemons.
Heather
It's like, I'm not doing that. It's disgusting.
Ben Mandelker
So now we go to Rosie's house, where construction on their 45,000 square foot home is continuing. And she's like, oh, my God, I got a Versace bathing suit. And Rich is watching her because she's packing because they're going to go on their. Their mid season trip.
Heather
So I've got an awkward thing to say. I like Rich. Is that weird? Like, I think he's already kind of hot. And I can see how he plays Frank Sinatra with those blue eyes. And he seems very supportive. And look, is it cheesy that he's a Frank Sinatra dj? Sure, but I'm pretty cheesy. I mean, I can get into that. You know, I could be like, can I be Liza? I don't know.
Ben Mandelker
I don't find it to be fair. So far, you know, they're. This is. He seems fine. We're on a show where it's like the other options are like Billy and Brian. Although, I mean, obviously the real star is Joellen's husband. I mean, ever since that sauna scene.
Heather
Gary. Gary and Frank Sinatra. I would do them both.
Ben Mandelker
Gary Is really. Especially the way he stood up for Joellen. It was like, who? Oh, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.
Heather
Okay, so they're talking. She's saying, you know, like, I have to pack because I'm going to see a Newport mansion. And he goes, well, you know, you should try that one on. I don't remember what it looks like, babe. Like, I don't know what to tell you. Like, you want me to pick a bathing suit? Just. Just pick a bathing suit. It's like, rich. It's too much. I'm like, I'm depending on. If everyone else is dressing like a slut, then I can dress like a slut, but I don't want to do it.
Sponsor Voice
Al.
Heather
He's like, right, Gotcha. So anyway, Liz and Alicia are setting up this trip. We're going to a Newport mansion. It's crazy. Like, Newport mansions are unlike any other mansion. Like, there's big houses and then there are like, the Newport mansions. They're very different. I mean, look, I don't care if I'm sitting in a mansion or like a Motel. Motel 8. What do I care? I don't care about that kind of stuff. Not really. You know, Although I'm. I'm building up the perfect house.
Ben Mandelker
Yes, watch out, Newport mansions, because Rosie has one coming on up.
Heather
So Rosie's got a garage build out that you are going to die over.
Ben Mandelker
Okay.
Heather
She's turning a garage into a 30 million square foot home.
Ben Mandelker
Gilded Age mansions. Whatever. Have you ever heard of aged mansions? I don't know. Not even aged. It's brand new. What can I say? I lost my way.
Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
Yeah, and by the way, they have a coffee flavor and I find that that's the perfect treat because I am a coffee girly and I'm a treat girly. So put them together and give me some coffee cacha that. Am I right?
Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
so
Ben Mandelker
Rosie's like. She's saying that she's feeling good, she's excited for this trip. She goes, like, I was feeling really weird after the whole sailboat thing, but
Ronnie Caram
then at polo, I was like, I
Ben Mandelker
need to course correct this.
Ronnie Caram
Like, I'm gonna be so friendly and nice.
Ben Mandelker
And I did that. I did that. I was, like, so friendly at polo. And we see. We see an example of that. And we see Rosie opening some champagne and drawing.
Ronnie Caram
Oh, did you just open someone else's ball? She's like, yeah, do you want to come party?
Ben Mandelker
Let's go. So nice.
Ronnie Caram
Hashtag so nice. So nice.
Heather
Yeah. And she's like, I'm. I'm good with everybody except for Ashley. And then we. Or Kelsey. And then we see the boat fight over Instagram. How dare you not post my haircut on Instagram. Oh, And Rosie's like, I'm feeling less anxiety because, like, I feel like I'm in a good place with people, and I just don't want to have fights with anyone. He goes, yeah, babe, but you know what? If you have a hard time, this is what you got to do. You gotta go. I hear what you're saying. Really looking to have a good time Frank. I don't know if that works on the Frank Sinatra circuit, but this is Housewives, sir. Okay, yeah. Stay in your. Stay in your odd. Fly me to the moon lane.
Ben Mandelker
Fly me to the moon lane. He's just doing it his way. So Rosie says, these girls are relentless, but now everybody's yelled at me, so we can move forward, right? Like, no, no, it doesn't work that way.
Heather
Rosie sets herself up to be the biggest victim in this episode. Oh, my gosh. But then by the end, I kind of get what she's saying. But at this point, I'm like, well, stop pissing everybody off and you'll be fine.
Ben Mandelker
So we see flashbacks of everyone yelling at Rosie, and Rosie says, you know,
Ronnie Caram
we had fun at Polo, so maybe we'll have fun on this trip too. I mean, I'm, like, turning the other
Ben Mandelker
cheek like, nobody's business. Like, Jesus would be so proud of me. Jesus is like, well, maybe if you weren't wearing that weird rhinestone thing over the side of your shoulder, I'd be a little more proud. But, you know.
Heather
Yeah. Jesus is like, if I had anything in common with your fashion sense, I'd crucify myself.
Ronnie Caram
Okay.
Heather
Jesus Christ, you look like a uniform crashed into a wall.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah. So Rosie's like, wait, what did you just say? A uniform, a unicorn, a Unicorn crashed.
Heather
You know that she's wearing, like, that brightly colored broken glass all over her in that outfit. This is, like, a thing. You look like the Rainbow Bridge was exploded. Okay,
Ben Mandelker
Just.
Ronnie Caram
I just have to keep reminding myself
Ben Mandelker
and not freezing up and getting weird. It's like, yeah, don't be a weirdo. It's like, yeah, just don't be weird. Don't be weird. Because a lot of people that are big on air personalities, like I am, you know, reporting on local ice cream shops on a regional television station Saturday. On Saturday afternoons. People that are big on air personalities like Diane Sawyer and me are actually not like that in real life. Like, I remember one time meeting Barbara Walters ten years ago at a women in media event.
Ronnie Caram
And I was like, hi, Ms. Walters.
Ben Mandelker
And she said, get out of here. And I thought, wow, big personality, just like me. Oh, God. That's the last time I barge into her dressing room.
Heather
I mean, I can just be fake and be like, you know, be like Joe Ellen and just be like, hi, everybody. I mean, but I can't do that. I mean, if I do that, we won't make a genuine connection. So it's up to you. Do you want fake Rosie or do you want real Rosie? Because real Rosie is going to walk in after just meeting you and accuse you of being a polygamist. Okay. In front of everybody.
Ben Mandelker
So real Rosie seems like she's actually fake Rosie. I don't understand. It's so funny that she's having this whole thing about, like, you know, like, big on air personalities were really very, like, timid on the inside. But, like, all she's been has been actually, I think, relatively big. She's shown up. She was, like, on her bouncing things in the first episode. She has her big pink things that she wears, her shattered unicorn horns stuff on her shoulder. And, like, yeah, her hair is big. Everything about Rosie is kind of, like, big and fake. And, like, I'm here for tv, so it's just funny that she's acting like, you know, I'm just gonna be real because, like. Like, people don't, like. Like, you have to be careful with people who are. Who are, like, fake or whatever. It just is. I just feel like she's been nothing but fake this entire time.
Heather
Yeah. So Joellen goes to Sonia's, a clothing accessory home store. God, they've got everything in there. And. Oh, my God. Welcome in, honey. Well, you're at Joe Ellen's now. I mean, you're at Sonia's now, honey. Okay, so you're going to have to have a glass of champagne. We only treat our customers the best. And she gives them champagne. She's with her sister, by the way. So they go in and this whole time I'm just like, your sister is fucking your husband, do you know that? Like, I mean, I know that's like an obvious thing for people to make fun of. Like, oh, yeah, really? You're dating your sister's ex. But the sister does seem like she's that husband, right?
Ben Mandelker
It does seem like happening. Yeah.
Heather
I don't.
Ben Mandelker
So they are trying on different looks and then Joellen tells us, I feel
Ronnie Caram
like I need a vacation at Newport is one of my favorite places to
Ben Mandelker
go, especially during the summer. And Jen is like, yeah, so have
Ronnie Caram
you been since the funeral?
Ben Mandelker
Cuz their grandfather died recently. Jones.
Ronnie Caram
Like, I don't know, it's been a lot.
Ben Mandelker
I mean, just because people don't understand like until they've been through it, like that awful dead dad club. And now it's just like happen again with grandpa. And Jen's like, yeah, I know. He was like a second dash. Like, yeah, but he was like always around and like when you and I were fighting or like mom, like, he's always the peacekeeper. Can we turn this into like bashing Mom? Because that's my favorite thing to do. God, mom looked the worst, right?
Heather
Less grandpa, less. More living people that we hate. Okay, let's go. Let's go on to mom. Mom sucks. She's always hated me. She's always loved you. She's like, no, no one hates you. She's like, yeah, mom had favorites. Let's. Jen and I grew up differently, you know, she was. I don't want to say the word favorite, but she was the favorite. Okay, call a spade a spade. Just call a spade a spade. You know, it's like making me think about my kids. Like, I wish that mom felt like that about me, you know, like that I feel about my own kids. Jen's like, but she does. She just doesn't show it the way you want her to show it, you know, but she 100 feels it. She really feels it for you, Joe. Online.
Ronnie Caram
My relationship with my mother, like, you,
Ben Mandelker
you want like that motherly bond. And like I just never had that
Ronnie Caram
in my whole life.
Ben Mandelker
Like, God, I mean, what a coming over, babysitting my kids, you know, taking care of them, all that stuff gotta drive me nuts. So we see a flashback of Joellen saying like, thank you for watching the kids. And Nancy goes. Her mom goes, well, I decided to fulfill my commitment she's like, fulfill your
Ronnie Caram
commitment as a grandmother.
Ben Mandelker
I'm like, I'm sorry. She was being tongue in cheek, right? Like, is that me? Am I crazy? I don't know.
Heather
It's. It's so hard with people in their mommy issues. As someone who had them for a very long time. I mean, I didn't really get better with mine until my 40s, let's face it. So I kind of get it, but I also don't necessarily want to hear about it, if that makes any sense. I'm like, ah, shut up. Just shop, for Christ's sake. Do use a free babysitting. Like, now's not the time.
Ben Mandelker
So wait till your kids are like. Like 14, and then you can, like, for right now, get. Get all the free services, okay? Like, you're. You still have that warranty. Use it well.
Heather
Especially because of what she says. So she says, you know, her relationship with her mom has affected her marriage or friends or family, and she gets all of her love from her friends and her husband and her children and never from her mother. But I'm like, well, but you have so much love in your life. I don't know. But at one point, she's like, my mom, you know, they had me in a behavioral. I think she says this later, but she's like, my mom. My mom sent me to a behavioral place when I was young, and my parents did as well. When I was 15, I went to one of these places. So, yeah, that's like, some trauma for me. Look how I say I hate mommy issues. And I'm like, now let me unpack mine for the next hour and a half. But with mine, I'm just like, yeah, that happened. But I was. No angel. I mean, no angel gets sent to a behavioral health center. You know what I mean? Like, there was. There was shit that was deeper than that, that, yeah, I have issues. Had issues with for a really long time that we had to work through. But it's not like I was just some angel. So I'm like, so what part aren't you telling? Because for them to accept you into behavioral health center, something must have been going on. So what was it?
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, that's. That's my thing, you know? Like, I'm not. I don't want to blindly stand up for this mom, right? Because, like, parents can be wretched. But I. I feel like getting sent to the behavioral center. I was like, I would like to know the full story. I want to know the. I would like to hear. I would like to see all the receipts. I'd like to. I'd like this brought to Judge Judy, please. I like each side to plead their case, and then I will make my final decision of whether this was an example of the mom being a terror or an example of the child being a terror. And then I will make my final. My final pitch.
Heather
But, yeah, it's not automatically standing up the. For the mom. It's automatically not vilifying the mom. Because I've seen a lot of these shows where I'm like, oh, wait, she's in the wrong. And then I'm like, well, I kind of like her. I mean, listen, I do have a poster of Muzzy in my bedroom. So.
Ben Mandelker
You know, the thing is this. Is that the trailer is doing a lot of heavy lifting for me because, like, the. There were two trailers for this show, and one of them features the mom sobbing and being like, I did the best that I could. So in my mind, I'm like, she did the best that she could. Okay, lay off. I'm just totally swayed by this older woman crying on tv.
Heather
Yeah, well, that's a good. That's a good way to be swayed, you know?
Ben Mandelker
Yeah.
Heather
So she just goes on. And also, I think I have mother. I'm. I'm just overfilled. You. We've had so much of it on Bravo. It's like Housewives show after Housewives show is mommy issues. You know, we had Bronwyn and her mom. We have Sutton and her mom, who was right before that, I guess Jackie and her mom kind of. But that was older on. It's just a lot, right In a row. I need.
Ben Mandelker
There's always moms, but I think that. I think, you know, what is that. We really only met this mom once so far. And all that we know is that she came over to babysit the kids, and Joellen's been talking about her ever since. And so I think it's just like, we don't. Like, we just. We need to feel it. Like, you know, with Bronwyn, we had some really riveting scenes with her mom or with Monica and her mom. You know, we see them interacting. We're like, oh, this is a. Like, wow, this mom. She's so passive aggressive. Or, wow, that what. Look at what she's putting onto her daughter. Mama D and Deandra, one of the best duos we've seen on this. But here, it's just like this mom with big hair comes over with her, like, NPR tote bag, and it's like, all right, ready to. Ready to babysit. I'm here to fulfill my. Fulfill my, you know, motherly things, you know. And she's like, oh, my God.
Heather
Yeah, you're like, you're bitching at somebody, doing a favor, doing you a favor on tv. And it looks like you're being a. And you're right. All the ones that you just named. There was such, like, pathos in the Monica and her mom thing on Salt Lake City and in Bronwyn's thing, I mean, there's. I need more, like, pathos or I need more camp.
Ben Mandelker
I just.
Heather
I just can't have some sweet lady babysitting for free. And then you being mean.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, I just need more input. But just give us more scenes with the moms. Then we can be like, oh, yeah, she's a. After all, you know.
Heather
Yeah, we're willing to change our minds. But for right now, I. I'm not buying it. For me. Yeah.
Ben Mandelker
And one of my. One of my toxic traits is that every time the moms come on these shows and are like a fucking bitch to their daughters, I love it. I'm always like, oh, she's so good. I'm always like, oh, more. Okay.
Heather
So then they go to. We go to Kelsey. Liz is over there to help Kelsey pack up paper towels. I mean, I don't know what she's allowed to take from this house, but whatever it is, they're going to do it. So she's checking on her. And then Kelsey's like, leaving this mansion. I'm terrified, you know, because I lived with my parents until I met my boyfriend and I was 20 and I went straight from my parents house to his house. So this is like the first time where I'm like, taking that step and, like, I'm literally gonna be solo.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, it's a. It's a big step. I'm like, you're 30.
Heather
I'm sorry that this is the second scene in the row where I'm like, I don't feel for you, but I can't feel for someone who's like, I've literally just gotten all of this because I'm hot. And it's so hard to think about, like, doing somebody's hair for a living. Like, really, this is your pain. I'm supposed to feel for you. Like, I don't hate her or anything, but I'm not going to cry either, you know?
Ben Mandelker
So Liz goes, well, I'm a firm
Ronnie Caram
believer that there are no mistakes. And you had a pivotal point in life and you know what you want
Ben Mandelker
and you know Kelsey's like, who said anything about mistakes? Do you think that I made a mistake?
Ronnie Caram
Nah, nah. I'm just saying if. If one were to think, oh, you, the past 10 years of your life were a mistake because you did nothing to grow as a person. You just stayed in this big brick house and you thought, oh, maybe that was a mistake for me to waste those years in my life. I'm saying don't think that. No one thinks that. Some of us think that. You know, we all kind of think that. But just know there's no such thing as mistakes. That's it.
Heather
Have you ever been to a jail? I mean, look, just looking at the cast makeup of the show and seeing all your connections in this town, I'm sure you've been to a jail. Who in Rhode island believes there's no such thing as a mistake? I mean, that's crazy. So she gives her a gift.
Ronnie Caram
She's like, I got you a little something. Actually, I got your total gig. All right, I do ignore the bag. It's not you. Now, I don't have his money. Okay, I don't have it, but here's a little compass. When you open the compass, there's something that says it. So I read it. Kelsey, go ahead and read it.
Heather
It's like, yeah, I didn't learn how to, how to do that. I mean, I moved in here when I was. Most children learn how to read, Kelsey. Yeah, I didn't.
Ronnie Caram
Okay, there's no mistakes.
Heather
I'll read it for you, you dumb hooker. So it starts, it says, you dumb hooker, then no path is final.
Ronnie Caram
No light is lost. You were bored to begin again and
Heather
blaze your own way home.
Ronnie Caram
Wow.
Ben Mandelker
I don't really get it. What does, what does this thing do?
Ronnie Caram
It's a compass. You use it to navigate on the waters. I mean, come on, with the coastal housewives. You gotta know some maritime stuff around here.
Heather
Well, throughout the relationship, he was always giving me money and I didn't have to work. And now that we're not together anymore, I just need to be self sufficient, you know, and hair and makeup has always been a passion of mine. And now it's time to be an adult. And it's stressful, you know, I'm going to go on Instagram and see all of these stars, posting my haircuts all over the place.
Ben Mandelker
All of these stars.
Heather
Huge, huge stars.
Ben Mandelker
It's so hard. So Kelsey said, can I keep the Chanel back?
Ronnie Caram
Yeah, you can keep your Chanel. That's okay.
Ben Mandelker
As a dust bag.
Ronnie Caram
Sure. It's probably worth more than a compass. I'll just say you need all the help you can get, honey. Even if it means taking on a bag. Go enjoy it.
Ben Mandelker
So now it's the day of Alicia and Liz's Newport trip and Liz is taking Alicia's luggage out of her car because she's there. They're like at Alicia's. Arrived at Liz's house.
Ronnie Caram
Why? Are you serious? Well, I didn't know what to bring. I mean, God, like, I'm sorry, is it going to be crackers? It'd be thick Newtons. Like what happens if we run over someone on a bridge on the way in Newport? You gotta have a shovel, right? So I bought all the stuff.
Heather
I'm so excited to host this trip with Liz. You know, Newport, Rhode Island. It's iconic luxury castle matches. It's where everybody wants to be in the summer. It's 30 minutes away from where I live and this requires an Uber driver for me. Okay, I will not drive there. It's so far. It's 30 minutes.
Ben Mandelker
It's ridiculous.
Heather
Like who's. Who's got a week? You know what I mean?
Ben Mandelker
It's a lot. It's a lot to do. It's, it's like it's, you know, I'm not going to drive very far.
Ronnie Caram
So Liz goes, oh my God, look at this. Let's look at these vintage Rolls Royces are pulling up. Guys, can you stand it? Princess rolls right back in time. We're going in style.
Ben Mandelker
So she, Liz has rented a bunch of old timey Rolls Royces to take them to Newport, which is funny.
Ronnie Caram
And she's like, yeah, it's almost like we're in a time machine. It's pretty Gucci. It's pretty cool.
Ben Mandelker
I'm like, yes. Saying that it's pretty Gucci is in fact like being in a time machine
Heather
Gucci. So they are talking about Rula. What else? They're like, oh my God. Ruler. Has anybody seen Rula?
Ronnie Caram
Where's Rula?
Heather
Rula? We don't know, guys. She's not here as usual. How's Ruler on this show? She's never, she never shows up to work.
Ben Mandelker
My theory is that she was supposed to be a friend of and that this Brian's cheating sort of. Well, that kind of put her up into a full time cast member. And that's why she's like so lucky.
Ronnie Caram
I know.
Ben Mandelker
She really hit it. She hit the big time, right?
Heather
Some girls get all the breaks. God.
Ben Mandelker
So they are. They head over to this place and
Ronnie Caram
Liz is Saying, this castle, I've been here several times with parties. It's beautiful, it's big, it's quirky, it's wild. It's not unlike us.
Ben Mandelker
Like, you guys are not like a new poor bitch. I'm sorry. Although it was weird that this castle did have Liz's face.
Ronnie Caram
It's like, I went to the same doctor's Mandalore.
Heather
So they're talking about how much Kelsey really needs this trip, guys. It's going to be really hard for her. So we see Kelsey in her car with Joellen, and she's like, I'm going through major life changes here. I need to eat, pray. Love trip with the girls. You know, as much as I would love to be on the French Riviera, I'll settle for a little Newport mansion. Girl, you better learn to settle. You're. You're gonna be settling for Newport cigarettes soon. Just be. Be grateful.
Ben Mandelker
Seriously.
Heather
So then in Liz and Alicia's car, they're talking about Rula.
Ronnie Caram
I haven't talked to her since Polo.
Heather
I gotta be honest, I'd love to lie to you instead. I talked to her right before I came here, but I didn't. Why would I lie about that?
Ben Mandelker
So Alicia tries to call Rula.
Ronnie Caram
She's not answering. She's like, I know that Rula's been through such so much stress. I think Rula just really needs this trip. I feel like we're gonna have fun. I'm gonna have fun. I don't know about the rest of the group, actually, but I'll have fun. They eat some crackers.
Heather
Oh, my God. These windows. Liz. Liz. It's like an actual, real life princess. This is our life we're celebrating today. Look at us in a mansion in Newport. Newport mansion.
Ben Mandelker
It's this enormous. It truly is an enormous, enormous mansion. Like, just huge. I mean, these. These mansions in Newport are really like next level stuff. Like, this is as close as America comes to having country houses in England. This is. This is like long lead. But the difference is it's so funny because, you know, we just watched the finale or just having watched Ladies of London when they go to Longley and this big, beautiful estate. When we come to this mansion, it's big and beautiful on the outside, but the more. The longer we stay here on this show, the more you realize how decrepit it is on the inside. Did you notice, like, all the wood was kind of like, splintering and not polished and everything just sort of looked dusty and a little bit run down. And the lawn outside was like, Patchy. It was like brown grass. And some of it was mowed, some of it wasn't. I was like, this is of course, the American version of a noble country house.
Heather
Yeah, I was laughing at America too, because they're walking through and they're like, oh, my God, this house is so old. It's 100 years old. Yeah, a hundred years. This is like nouveau riche. You know, when they, when they built this house, it truly is like another McMansion up the street. So it's 100th anniversary. And pieces of the house were assembled from all over Europe originally. Guys, we peeve smelled this house from Europe. It's a pretty big deal.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, it was assembled like that. It was like the IKEA of 1922.
Ronnie Caram
So Liz is like, I mean, what more could people want?
Ben Mandelker
They what's so funny is it's 43,000. You know, I was just joking when I said about Rosie saying her house was going to be 43,000 square feet, but I must have gotten the number from this because this house is 43,000 square feet. 18 bathrooms, 29 bedrooms. And I mean, 29 bedrooms is insane. And what's also insane is that when they have to divvy up their rooms, they have to act like, well, we only have five bedrooms for you guys, but there's 29 bedrooms here. Don't lie to us.
Heather
We know, but how do they have so many more bedrooms but only two more bathrooms than Jen Aiden? That's crazy. Did Jenna Aiden just have.
Ben Mandelker
Oh, my God.
Heather
Toilets everywhere.
Ben Mandelker
It's a different time. Commercials.
Ronnie Caram
Here comes one right now.
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Heather
They look at the bedrooms, and Liz is like, I want the fairy room. I want the fairy room. Oh, God, look at this baby. To us here. This is my vibe. It's my vibe.
Ben Mandelker
And then they go to a different room. Alicia's like, liz, this reminds me of you.
Ronnie Caram
She's like, yeah. Oh, my God, I love it. I think I'm gonna say, yeah, this is wonderful. Yeah. I think I may make the fair
Ben Mandelker
room with all the fairies.
Ronnie Caram
I mean, we get first dibs, and we.
Ben Mandelker
Everyone else can figure out where to go. Okay. This is great. I'm so excited for these girls to
Ronnie Caram
get the royal treatment. We have two butlers, Robert and Boris,
Ben Mandelker
with champagne bottles all day long.
Ronnie Caram
And I think Kelsey's gonna feel right at home because she's used to this, you know? Well, she used to be.
Ben Mandelker
And we see these two guys. They look like they just were, like, picked up from, like, the 711 and put into tuxedos. Like, hey, welcome to the castle. Who here wants some cocktails or whatever?
Heather
Who wants some of this seven up in a bottle, huh? It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good. A champagne. I'm sorry, but it's only champagne if it's from the region of 7 11.
Ben Mandelker
Okay.
Heather
So the other. The other girls arrive, and they're like, oh, my God, it's so big. And this is just them looking at a mansion for 20 minutes, basically. And Joellen and Kelsey see their bedrooms, and then we find out that they're going to have a doll tea party later. Yeah. And so they have to get ready for this doll party thing. Yeah.
Ben Mandelker
So. So then everyone's getting ready, and then Joel's like, what's up with the dolls? And Kelsey's like, she probably talks to them when Billy's not home. I'm like, kelsey, you really are not wanting to talk. You have. It's just been you and a cleaning lady who hates you and plotting your death for 10 years. Okay.
Heather
And then we go to.
Ben Mandelker
At least Alicia has access to pizza.
Heather
Yeah, exactly. Hot, hot mamas. We see Alicia cleaning the doll's face, and she's like, I feel like you're gonna get me in trouble. I don't know why. I just feel it. Yikes. Lady. Never has a doll wanted to run so far.
Ben Mandelker
Like, let me go.
Heather
Please animate me, somebody.
Ben Mandelker
I just. Please animate me, someone please let me out of here. Waiting for my mannequin moment.
Ronnie Caram
Alicia's like, I just think dolls are so Pretty. You know, it tells so much about a person by what doll they pick.
Ben Mandelker
And we see. We see. Like two weeks ago, when she was showing off her dolls to Liz, she
Ronnie Caram
goes, I don't let my daughter play with the dolls. You know, she can. She can play only if she plays very gently.
Ben Mandelker
Like, I love that the kids are not allowed to play with the dolls.
Heather
Yeah. So she says, as a child. I do. I love beauty. I love clothes. I love purses. I love little high heels. I liked it. Probably like, you know, three years old, I liked it. I liked it, and I still like it. At 41, I still like it. Yeah. I'm not sorry about it.
Ronnie Caram
Sometimes when you're sitting there on the
Ben Mandelker
floor of Superior Bakery playing with a
Ronnie Caram
doll, it's the only happiness, you know?
Heather
So she's this door, this doll right here. She gets it. Look at her. Look at her face. She gets it. The doll's like, please, please leave me alone. I haven't been touched in 90 years.
Ben Mandelker
So Rosie is hanging out with Ashley, and Rosie's like, if I had to guess, Rula's gonna show up eventually. And now she's like, I think tomorrow, though. She's like, really? You don't think today, she's like, oh, my God, I just got nail glue in my eye.
Heather
Now Joellen and Kelsey are talking about Kelsey, how hard it is guys, because she's dating a really rich person. I don't know if you've heard. And they broke up, so they're talking about that. And she's like, you know, Bill's got mortgage payments and stuff. Like, I don't know how to be an adult. Like, what's a mortgage? Like, people talk about principal payment. Like, principal of what? Like, why you got to pay a principal? That's crazy. Like, I don't know what that means. I never even knew what my dad's career was. All I knew was that the bills were getting paid. And he bought me a career. A con paid for my college. Okay, you went to college. Good on you. Didn't see that one coming.
Ronnie Caram
Did not.
Heather
I. I'm just not into people who brag about being an idiot.
Ben Mandelker
Maybe she just. Maybe he just paid for the supplies. That way she can make a collage. And she mispronounced it.
Heather
So Alicia brings the suitcase outside. It's like, okay, let's. Let's get that. Set the door. Come on. You got this. All the dolls, she's going to put in the back of the Rolls. So they're setting up for this weird tea Party thing. And it's an iron carriage out there that I think is supposed to be to put plants hanging from. Isn't that what it is?
Ben Mandelker
Yeah. Well, it's definitely not something that holds a hose, because half that lawn is brown. Unless there was a drought in Rhode Island. I was like, you're supposed to. This is supposed to be pretty. So that. Yeah, there's this weird, tacky, white wrought iron carriage in the back. So they're sitting in that, and Alicia's
Ronnie Caram
like, oh, my God, you guys look beautiful.
Ben Mandelker
And they're like, oh, my God, look at you. Did all this stuff for the dolls. And she's like, put baby seats across this table, their luncheon table. And the dolls are each in a baby seat, and the dolls are supposed to match the women. It's a really weird one. Really?
Heather
So they come in, and they're like, oh, my God, there's, like, little things for dolls. Wow. And Ashley goes, I'm obsessed with this doll launch. Like, I love my American Girl dolls. Did I have, like, all five originals? Yes. Do I have all of the NSync Barbies? Yeah, like my Jonas Barbies. The Camp Rock era? Yes. Yes, I do. It turns out every single one of those dolls would rather be at a coffee shop than, like, hanging out with me, which is really awkward.
Ben Mandelker
So then they get some champagne, and then Joellen comes out.
Ronnie Caram
She's like, are you kidding with this? With this carriage? Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
Ben Mandelker
So then they're all like, oh, my God, I love your outfit and everything. And then Liz falls over because of
Ronnie Caram
her heels, and she's like, oh, my God. Wow. Okay, we try again.
Heather
And they come over, and they're like, oh, my God, all the girls look so beautiful. Everybody. You look so pretty for this. And Joanne goes, rosie, you look like a stripper.
Ben Mandelker
Just. That was the plan. She goes, I should have just said, you don't look good.
Ronnie Caram
So Alicia's like, okay, let me introduce you all to the. Okay, we. They're gonna come sit with us and eat this gorgeous meal.
Ben Mandelker
Dolls.
Ronnie Caram
Okay, ready? And Joel's like, well, I want to know what these dolls mean to you. Did these dolls ever send you to a behavioral camp?
Ben Mandelker
And if so, do you feel victimized by it?
Heather
Just seeing her be such a good mother to those dolls, it makes me realize what I've been missing. No, doll, you cannot babysit for me for free. Don't even look at me, disgusting pig of a doll. So they're like, what's up with the dolls? Alicia? And she's like, okay, like, so with Dwells, right? Like, throughout the entire world for centuries are like, bajillions of years ago. And they're like, oh, wow, Bajillions. That's many years. Yeah. So many years. Like, every girl, most of them, they just connect to a baby doll. No one knows why.
Ronnie Caram
Juan goes, where'd you get that statistic from? She goes, yeah, from billions of years when she goes, okay, there's no statistic, okay? Honestly, it's just something I saw when
Ben Mandelker
I stared at Billy's pizza one day, and it just came to me.
Ronnie Caram
But anyway, we're gonna have lunch, and everyone's gonna take their dolls, and we're gonna sit next to us. They're gonna sit next to us, okay?
Ben Mandelker
And, like, okay.
Ronnie Caram
I remember the very first doll was Snow White. I love Snow White so much. If a hair was out of place, I would have a breakdown and throw the doll and cry mental.
Ben Mandelker
It was psychotic.
Heather
So they're putting all these dolls on baby seats, and Rosie's like, are you good? You need a little hot? Are you a little hot? We got to cool you down, girlfriend. What are their names? I think this doll is being mean to me. I'm not really sure, but don't appreciate it. But I'm gonna try again. I'm going to try again with you. Sorry, I was using my TV personality on you. My. My bad. Really a quiet person.
Ben Mandelker
So they're like, putting the Alicia's like,
Ronnie Caram
you're not putting a doll in your chair, though, Joelle.
Ben Mandelker
And she was like, well, she deserves to be on a pedestal.
Ronnie Caram
Joel says, the way that Alicia likes dolls is the way I like Botox.
Ben Mandelker
So they. That big question is, ruler gonna come
Heather
up? Where's Rula? Where's Rula? Joanna goes, this is wicked rude that she's not here. Wicked rude. Well, I think she was kind of, like, you know, beat down, like, choosing to believe Brian. And she's like, that's it. Like, we're working on the marriage. I don't think she wants to hear anything anymore. So you know what? We shouldn't say anything. I was like, yeah, well, she needs to stop blaming me, because I'm trying to be there for you and have our back, okay?
Ben Mandelker
And we see a flashback to Joelle and at Polo being like, you know,
Ronnie Caram
I'm not trying to hurt you.
Ben Mandelker
It's just.
Ronnie Caram
I'm not done.
Ben Mandelker
I'm not done. If you want proof, I'll forget.
Ronnie Caram
I'll figure it out. I'll get it. I'll get you the proof. Well, you know, I think that she questions your motives, Joel. Okay. She's just questioning the motives about it.
Heather
Just. What's the motive? Like, I don't wanna. I don't want a husband. Like, I feel bad, you know, and so I think that you guys should feel bad, you know, like, her husband's cheating on her. Yeah.
Ronnie Caram
She goes, well, I don't. I don't believe Joellen feels bad. So it's funny to me when she says it, because I'm just like, oh, okay. Who are you? Who the f. Are you? So Alicia goes, well, no one needs to remind her that he's a scumbag anymore. It's done. Everyone knows. Don't. Don't remind her anymore.
Heather
It was a year and a half ago, Alicia. She thinks it's from a year and a half ago, Alicia. And it wasn't just done. I'm done with it. I'm done with it. No. And Kelsey's like, let's save it for when she's here, because I'm sure she's going to want to talk about this again.
Ronnie Caram
And Liz is like, all right, tonight's a black tie, so relax a bit. We'll see you down at dinner.
Heather
And so that's it. That was the whole lunch. It's like, where's Rula? The whole lunch was where's Rula?
Ben Mandelker
Yeah. This is sort of weird. It was like this whole thing of, like, we're having lunch with dolls, and they sit down, they have lunch, and then it's over. Like, the dolls have nothing to do with it. So now they're just sort of doing different things. Joellen is sitting on a. Like, a swinging chair out front, and she. She FaceTimes Gary, and she's like, hi, you a practice? He's like, yeah, I am at practice and definitely not sleeping with your sister right now. She's like, oh, good.
Ronnie Caram
Okay. Well, I'm on a swing. I'm just, like, swinging back and forth.
Ben Mandelker
He's like, yeah, I saw your swing.
Ronnie Caram
Yep, I'm swinging.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, Big swinger, Big swing.
Heather
Little Easter bunny egg for us all, guys. So then Alicia is using a metal detector on the lawn. Hilarious. You never know what you're gonna find out here. That could be a diamond. You know, that could be a diamond over there. Diamonds aren't metal.
Ben Mandelker
It's 10 cents. No jewels there. Okay. What was she hoping to find?
Heather
And then I'd be bad if I was at a mansion. I thought that was great that they just had one. Or do you think she brought it from home.
Ben Mandelker
It's like, she definitely brought that.
Heather
We're going to a mansion. I'm bringing. I'm bringing the metal detector.
Ben Mandelker
That's exactly what she said. So then the. Not the.
Heather
The.
Ben Mandelker
The butler knocks on Liz's door with. And he brings in some masks. And Liz. Liz is like, I'm sorry, she has the mask.
Ronnie Caram
And she's like, okay, okay, Rabbit, I want you to deliver these girls. Okay? You'll deliver them for me. Because I'm planning this masquerade dinner, and we all kind of bring to life, you know, there's this mask. So everyone's revealing something about themselves.
Ben Mandelker
Themselves.
Ronnie Caram
And I. I would bring us closer together. And it's like an exercising camaraderie. Well, I'm hoping for it to be. Anyway, okay, this one's gonna go to Rosie because she's wearing a big, larger than life facade. All right. But what's deeper?
Heather
I almost had trouble saying facade because no one knew how to say it. Later I got into my head. So she goes over each gold. Each mask that she has are all different and why she's giving them to the girls, you know, so she goes through each. Each little mask, and then the Robert guy delivers them to people and they all get their masks and they have to read the cards. And it's hilarious watching Alicia try to read. She's like, oh, my God, I love this. Okay, give me the message. Okay. Where this mask to the ball, Allah. Where secrets rise and facades. For Katies, for cooties, for calibrate, for calibrite, for calibri. What is it?
Ronnie Caram
The cracker. I'm for crackers. I may fall.
Heather
I'm for crackers.
Ben Mandelker
So Alicia puts on her mask and
Ronnie Caram
she's like, oh, she's gorgeous. This. I love it.
Ben Mandelker
And they are coming down their masks, and Ashley's is hilarious because everyone else has, like, masquerade masks where it's like a thing like. Or just really over your eyes, maybe your nose. And it's like, has some sort of, like, fancy thing. But Ashley's. Ashley got like the mask that you wear if you are doing some druid ritual that involves ritual sacrifice.
Heather
It's a full gold face mask with two little eye holes in it. She's like, oh, my God, I can't even talk on this thing.
Ben Mandelker
I was like, well curated, Liz. Well curated.
Heather
So funny. Oh, so they're. God, this is like some Eyes Wide Shut shit. What is going on here? Ashley's like, I can't breathe in here, you guys. God, what am I supposed to do not eat and drink.
Ben Mandelker
Johan's like, you can't take it off, though. I don't. Don't take it off. Ashley. They're all for, like, Ashley having as difficult a time talking as possible. Like, I guess you just can't talk tonight. Ashley.
Heather
So funny. So Liz comes in, and she's wearing a wolf mask and say perhaps what
Ronnie Caram
they see is the big, bad wolf, but they don't know. What's behind this myth is someone who's crazy sensitive. I'm not the wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm actually the sheep and wolf's clothing.
Ben Mandelker
Is it possible that Liz is just a wolf and a sheep that get along really well and have a mutual understanding that they won't kill each other? Because I do believe that Liz is, like, very sweet and nurturing and loving. I also do believe she will murder me. Like, I do think that she is the wolf and the sheep at the same time.
Heather
Yeah, she's like Dr. Sheeple and Mr. Wolf. Like, she. She'll switch. She'll switch it up. She'll switch it up. So they're like, wow, we love the masks.
Ronnie Caram
Well, I'm hoping that tonight we could shed the masks and show a little bit more of our other side, you know, the one that we're trying not to show. All right, Jojo.
Ben Mandelker
Well, I can go first. I know that most of you know
Ronnie Caram
me well, and there's definitely good and bad to me.
Ben Mandelker
I think I have a lot of bad. Comes from trauma. The trauma of having a really hot
Ronnie Caram
husband with big nipples. It's. It's a lot for me to carry as someone.
Ben Mandelker
And also as a child, my mom
Ronnie Caram
sent me away to a behavioral program, and she goes, oh, I remember that. That was hot. It was hard. God, we laughed so much when you went away.
Ben Mandelker
I remember we showed up that first
Ronnie Caram
day of school like, where's the.
Ben Mandelker
With Joelle.
Ronnie Caram
And they said, she's at a behavioral program.
Ben Mandelker
And then we looked, and we saw
Ronnie Caram
you get being put on that bus. God, we laughed so hard that day, Joelle.
Ben Mandelker
And this must have been hard for you.
Heather
And she tells us these behavioral programs, they were for really bad kids, you know, like children convicts and arsonists and stabbers. Okay. Like, I don't feel like my behavior in high school was outrageous, but my mother's behavior to me as a child just felt like she didn't love me.
Ben Mandelker
I mean, just because I tried to burn down our house and stab my mother, all of a sudden, they're going to put me in a program.
Ronnie Caram
With arson stuff, it didn't make sense to me.
Heather
So Jo Ellen is like, yeah, I don't want to be like my mom. So I'm definitely trying. I'm definitely trying.
Ronnie Caram
Well, do you feel like sometimes you hurt people as well, Choco? What do you think they should?
Heather
Well, I mean, I don't usually think I'm the one that starts it. I'm the one that continues it.
Ronnie Caram
Okay.
Heather
And that's also, I guess, a bad trait. I guess that's a bad trait, too. I mean, I just don't want to be betrayed. And when someone calls me out on something that's not true, I mean, that I'm, like, lying or something. I mean, what are you, my mother Ruler?
Ben Mandelker
So then Joelle's like, I just. I need to prove that you're wrong,
Ronnie Caram
and what you're saying about me is not true because I didn't do that as a kid.
Ben Mandelker
Like, okay, so mommy issues, big time, over in that corner. So then, yeah, like, what about you?
Ronnie Caram
Okay, Lizzie, what about your mask?
Ben Mandelker
What.
Ronnie Caram
What makes you so hard? Because. Well, I think it kind of stems from having such incredible loss at a super young age. I think that I'm afraid to let anyone in because I'm afraid to lose. And this is something I don't share with anyone ever. But what people don't realize is that when I was six years old, I was in the Olympics, and I lost in the shot put. And it's plagued me ever since. There. I said it. I said it.
Heather
So her real thing is that her mom passed when she was very young and died when she was 15. And so she has abandonment issues.
Ronnie Caram
It's not that I'm big and scary. It's that I'm probably more afraid of them than they are of me.
Heather
No, I don't believe that. Trust me. We're more afraid.
Ben Mandelker
Trust me. So then Liz is like, you know,
Ronnie Caram
I'm hard to get to know. I'm very tough.
Ben Mandelker
Why are you surprised that people are scared of you?
Ronnie Caram
Then she's like, I'm a tough. I'm tough. I'm a tough person. I don't know why people are scared of me. I mean, just because I'm photographed with someone who's got mob connections, and it's all over Twitter. I don't. Don't be scared of me.
Heather
So then, so far, no one has really revealed anything crazy, right? They're. They're already just. They're all just kind of repeating their basic PAT storylines for the season. So then we get to Ashley and Ashley gets to take off her mask finally. And she goes, oh, boy. Well, you know, like, going on the Bachelor, I was just always like, oh, my God. Like, I don't have a sob story. What am I gonna do? You have to have a sob story on the Bachelor, you know, like, I don't know what to talk about. And I think that stresses me out, you know, because I'm always like, but it will happen one day. Like, I will have sad things happen, you know, like someone will die, you know, like, that's. You know, it's petrifying, you know, like, someday I'm gonna feel some kind of pain.
Ben Mandelker
More than anyone about the prospect of trauma.
Heather
Liz just goes, okay,
Ben Mandelker
I'm sorry. This lady should not be on this show.
Heather
I think it's so funny. I think she is so funny on it. I'm actually really impressed that I like her on it, but I think she's really cute on it.
Ben Mandelker
I just think that she just doesn't fit in. But, like, this was very funny.
Ronnie Caram
So Joellen is like, Ashley's crying that she has nothing to cry about.
Ben Mandelker
Like, just put the mask back on. And they keep on, keep on showing this shot of Ashley at the table with this big golden mask, and she's looking as, like, blank face on.
Heather
So Rosie's like, guys, a lot of people, what they don't know about me is that I have a lot of anxiety. You know, I'm really shy in real life, you know, when I'm more bigger. Like, that's like, for TV or Instagram stuff, you know, basically. So Barbra Streisand said, you know, like, if you're going to be big, save it for Instagram, you know, because I just learned to pretend and I learned to be bigger and what everybody wants me to be, which is big.
Ben Mandelker
Something I felt a lot growing up.
Ronnie Caram
I was so used to having to
Ben Mandelker
just, like, do whatever my mom said all the time and make her happy. And you don't want to upset her. You just do it and just make everyone happy.
Ronnie Caram
And so I'm still kind of like,
Ben Mandelker
I feel selfish choosing myself sometimes. So I'm, like, working on it.
Ronnie Caram
You know, someday I'm just going to
Ben Mandelker
be super selfish, and you guys are going to be like, whoa, you took it too far.
Heather
And Kelsey asked, well, don't you think people want to see a genuine self? And she's like, well, once I get comfortable, I'll open up, you know? So it's just different. So now Kelsey, Kelsey's like, I have a tough exterior when it Comes to my relationship, that's the only thing I'm, like, mega sensitive with. Yeah. So I'm hanging in there, though. Alicia goes, kelsey, not to bring it up, but how are you doing after your breakup? Because, like, you're bored now and, like, you're homeless. What's that like?
Ronnie Caram
Yeah, I'm hanging in there. It's for the best, though. I mean, at the end of the day, there was, like, a standstill with
Ben Mandelker
my ex, and it, like, lasted 10
Ronnie Caram
years, and it's just like, how many
Ben Mandelker
more years am I going to do
Ronnie Caram
the same thing, Right? She cries. She can cry. You should probably cry right now because no one feels bad for you. Cry, cry. Go do a little cry.
Ben Mandelker
And Rosie's like, oh, I actually had no idea that Kelsey broke up with her sugar daddy. Last I heard, she was seeing numerous people. And then we see nice little shitty moment, and basically we see, like, Kelsey saying, like, I'm dating. I'm dating Bill. Whatever. So Rosie says she's already been. She's already been bringing the new boyfriend around, so why should I be surprised that she's not with the old boyfriend anymore? Like, it's very confusing, this whole relationship or relationships, I should say.
Heather
So Joanne's like, well, how's Bill different from your ex? She goes, well, like, he cares, he listens, he's broke, and have you thought about marriage with them or anything? She's like, yeah, I mean, he's definitely marriage material. You know, we have a good relationship. I still have a good relationship with my ex too. You know, there's a lot of things that connect us. Like, he still pays for things, and they're like, yeah, like, he pays my health insurance and my car insurance and, like, what else? Let me think about, yeah, I'm gonna get a place of my own, and he's gonna pay for that too, you know, and, you know, just. Just till I get on my feet, you know?
Ben Mandelker
Yeah.
Heather
Yeah, that's nice work if you can get it. Damn.
Ben Mandelker
Nice work if you can get it. But also learn some lessons from the case of the Curious case of Lisa and Lenny Hoxtein. So Kelsey is saying, like, I'm, you know, I'm taking what I'm entitled to. It has nothing to do with being independent or still being on his nipple. Like, he said, whatever I can do to help you, I will. And if I was actually married to him for 10 years, I'd be walking away with, like, a lot more. Like, this is. I don't. He obviously is helping her, but I think this is Going to dry up a lot sooner than she thinks it will. And I don't think she'll be ready for when that moment happens.
Heather
Yeah. So Alicia's like, but then why does he do it? Because he loves you. She's like, it's the least he can do. I mean, God, I've been sitting in his house doing nothing for 10 years. He owes me.
Ben Mandelker
He owes me for using his money.
Heather
So Kelsey's like, I mean, leaving after 10 years, you get nothing. He's like, I'll pay for your apartment. I mean, it's like a divorce, you guys. It's like a divorce. Okay, so there Rosie goes.
Ben Mandelker
Still pays all your bills. Now he's like a real sugar daddy. Before she could at least pretend he was her boyfriend. So Alicia, it's time for her to share.
Ronnie Caram
And she goes, well, I guess I've seen real doc things that no kid should have seen.
Ben Mandelker
Like what kind of dark things?
Ronnie Caram
She's like, yeah, just think that, like, my life was not easy. And, like, from what I remember, my father left us homeless, and I had moved a lot.
Ben Mandelker
Like, you were homeless.
Ronnie Caram
It's like, Liz is like, you and never homeless. Like, no, yeah, no, he did. He sold my house and he left. He took my mom and a child.
Heather
You took my home as a child. And this is like, that's a stretch.
Ronnie Caram
Okay? Even have a homeless babe. You have a big, beautiful family. No one would ever allow you to be homeless.
Heather
You kind of went with your grandparents for a little while, which was a very nice place, by the way. And try. Am I trying to protect her from
Ronnie Caram
coming off as privileged?
Heather
Yes.
Ronnie Caram
Yes, I am. Yes.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah. Because she's like, yeah. Alicia's like, you know, I. I think
Ronnie Caram
that Liz is trying to protect, like, my family. But don't diminish what I've been through, because, like, when I first went to my grandparents, I was, like, excited because I was like, oh, my God, I got to be with my grandparents. But then I was like, oh, my God, like, when do I get to go home? And it's like. Like, what happened to my bedroom? Because I had a beautiful carpet. It was a Corvette.
Ben Mandelker
So in my mind, we had no hope.
Ronnie Caram
I used to have a Corvette, and the dolls were driving it. It was amazing. We had tea parties in the Corvette, and now where's it? It's gone.
Heather
I'm the. I'm, like, the first homeless person you probably ever heard of who dreamed of sleeping in a car.
Ronnie Caram
My Corvette was the best Corvette in Rhode Island, I swear to God.
Heather
So I Will not listen to you
Ronnie Caram
say that you were homeless. Alicia, come on, Alicia.
Heather
So she goes, alicia, take off your mask. Your face is too beautiful. Your. Your homed fit, your housed face is too beautiful. Take off your mask, honey.
Ronnie Caram
Ashley, keep yours on. Keep yours on, Ashley.
Ben Mandelker
So then, Ashley, keep yours on.
Heather
And actually someone. Someone throw a napkin over Ashley's head while we're at it. I don't want to see. I don't want to see. I don't want to see this pot through a little holes.
Ben Mandelker
I'm just. I'm just thinking that, like, I really like my bed, okay. I've got like a really nice Casper mattress and what would happen if I lost it someday? It's just like a lot to take on and to think about. What if someone took my bed?
Heather
That could happen. So she thanks them all for coming. And Kelsey goes, yeah, Rosie, I think that was the first genuine thing that came out of your mouth. And I'm saying that in a nice way, not a mean way. How is that a nice way?
Ben Mandelker
Not nice at all.
Heather
Rude.
Ben Mandelker
There's like, if she. If you want. If you really meant that you would say, rosie, I really appreciate you sharing. I know things have been rocky, but I felt like you're being really genuine there in a way that I just really appreciate it and thank you. Thank you for sharing that, like, if not, like, that was the first genuine thing that's ever come out of your mouth. I mean that in a nice way.
Heather
Congratulations, you fake slut. So Rosie goes, okay, just. Yeah, I actually felt for a second that. That you were telling the truth. Okay, another slam. And Rosie's like, what have I not told the truth about? Just, yeah, I'm trying to give you a compliment. God. And then everybody else at the table, she goes, yeah, I'm trying to convey to her, like, you haven't been honest, like, and now I feel like you are in this moment. So Joel was like, come on, she's giving you a compliment. And you were like, right on the defensive. So she's like, you know, she's like, hey, I thought you were being genuine. You say thank you to that. God, this is where I started to turn. Because this whole episode, I'm like, rosie, stopping such a victim. The reason people don't like you is because you're saying things that's pissing them off. But then I saw this and I was like, oh, no, they're all gonna jump on Rosie no matter what, because what that girl just said was rude. Stop gaslighting.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, well, I think what they. That, yeah, I agree. This was, like. There was nothing nice about what Kelsey said. It was mean. And, you know, Kelsey's issue. She has two issues. One is that Rosie is claiming that their house is going to be, like, getting another 10,000 square feet of space. And, you know, Kelsey's like. And it's not. I've seen. It's gonna be 5,000 or something like that. But I think the real issue is that the rumors swirling around Rosie, like, Or that she had sex with. Had an affair with this basketball coach from, like, the University of Providence or something. And so people are like, she did. She did. I think that's what's fueling this is like, she's a liar. She's pretending like everything's fine. And then there was a thing about the newsroom. She said she, like, left because of colitis. No, she left because she had sex with the boss. So they all just. I think, think they feel like she just has been sleeping right at the top or something, and. But they're not really saying it, so they're just, like, taking their shots.
Heather
Do not like this girl. That's for sure. Probably. Yeah. For all those reasons, they just do not like her. And so they're gonna jump on Kelsey's side. But to pretend that she wasn't just totally rude is crazy. So Ashley's like, yeah, but, like, her saying this reflects refreshing, like, would insinuate that she's never been honest. Right. Did I miss something in what she just said? Rosie's like, okay, yeah, I'm. I appreciate it, and I'm glad you feel that way. And Joanna goes, oh, wow, that's backhanded. That was backhanded, right?
Ben Mandelker
But this is the thing that's backhanded. That's crazy.
Heather
Oh, my God.
Ronnie Caram
So Liz, like, oh, we got so close. So close to having a good meal.
Ben Mandelker
So Kelly's Kelsey tells us, being in the pageant world, I know a bullshitter when I see one. And there's a lot of fake girls, you know, around here talking about me. I'm like, okay, ma'. Am.
Heather
So we see all these flashbacks of the reasons she does not like Rosie. And Kelsey's like. And I just can't keep up with her ever changing personalities. I mean, who is Rosemary, exactly? Well, you know what? I think you guys aren't really giving Rosie enough grace because there's, like, a little bit of sass in this error, I think. Think wasn't there. And Joel's like, actually, I think the sass came from Rosie. Rosie has done nothing but Stay calm. What are you doing?
Ben Mandelker
Rosie did not give any sass here, okay? Now she's like. I mean, she got a crazy backhanded compliment. I mean, what would happen if I got one? That's just too hard to think about. Well, I mean, it makes seem like
Heather
she's never been genuine before. I mean, like she's always been lying. Do you guys think she's always been lying? And Kelsey says that's how I felt. She's like, well, Rosie has mentioned that she would like for me to stick up for her more. So I'm choosing right now to do it.
Ben Mandelker
Kelsey's reaction to Rosie was such a blatant backhanded compliment that even I felt uncomfortable. Felt comfortable being like, excuse me, that wasn't fully nice. Like I actually did something scary. Oh my God, that was so scary. So Kelsey.
Heather
And Kelsey goes, there was an ingenuous that I felt.
Ben Mandelker
Oh my God, Kelsey, there's an ingenuous. An ingenuous what? We'll never know.
Heather
But.
Ben Mandelker
But she felt it went to college,
Heather
ladies and gentlemen, college graduate.
Ben Mandelker
I know.
Heather
Well, she didn't say. She didn't say graduate.
Ben Mandelker
This is not a great endorsement for the sugar baby lifestyle. There was an ingenuous. I felt it was an ingenuous. So Rosie goes, well, I'm sorry if you feel I'm not a genuine or that I lie or anything. You know, being a big on air personality with a former Saturday afternoon lifestyle show on a local Rhode island station, sometimes I don't have the time to pour myself into all the cups that I need to. And so if your cup isn't feeling filled by my personality, I apologize.
Heather
All right, all right, we get it, we get it. You know what it's called? What's it called when the horse is dead? What's it called when the horse is dead? What is it? The horse is dead.
Ben Mandelker
Beating the genuine horse dead.
Heather
Yeah, be me, the ingenuine.
Ronnie Caram
Okay, well, I want to thank you for coming to my little masquerade dinner. Thank you for being open and shedded the masks and whatever we do tonight, have fun in the castle and let's reconvene in the morning. Okay, everybody.
Heather
So they get to go to their rooms and Rosie is saying to Ashley, like, what did I do? That was so offensive? My God, that wasn't nice what she said. Like I just said, what did I lie about?
Ben Mandelker
Ash is like, I don't know. And then Kelsey is in the hallway and she goes, wait, I feel like I hear Rosie talking. Let's go. Listen so she goes and listens in. And Ashley's like, meanwhile, somewhere in Charleston, Emmy's like, I feel uncomfortable. So Ashley is like, that made it seem like, you know, it wasn't a backhanded compliment at all alike, since she basically was alluding to the fact that you've never said anything honest. And Rosie's like, also, like, when.
Ronnie Caram
When the.
Ben Mandelker
Did me and Kelsey have long conversations? Like, what the hell?
Heather
So Kelsey's listening. Like, her ear is literally up against the door and she's like, oh, my God, she had all this time at dinner to say it to my face, but now she wastes to dinner with. She waits to go to a room with Ashley to start talking shit she don't have the balls to say to me. She sulks like a slinky.
Ben Mandelker
That's why I stopped playing with those toys. You know, I send them down the stairs and they'd be like one step after another. And then I was like, you know what? I like that you can go down the stairs slinky. But, like, when you get to the bottom, why are you always sulking?
Heather
Oh, this girl is such a ding dong. So Rosie is like, yeah, I mean, she accused me of talking about her at the picnic. And Rosie just comes in, she's like, what's going on? And they're like, oh, just getting changed. Well, we're just talking, you know, because I feel like you were saying before it was like a backhanded compliment to her. And I felt bad because then everybody snapped at her. She was. No, it wasn't backhanded. Like, I felt like you're not being honest.
Ben Mandelker
So wait, be specific. What is she lying about? She's like, well, her house, the issues with your job. You got fired. You said you left her mental health.
Ronnie Caram
She goes, I left for mental health
Ben Mandelker
because I got colitis. And Rosie's like, I don't know what you want me to do about that. Why are you so upset with me for rumors that have nothing to do with you? Like, oh, you got fired from your job. I went on medical leave because I couldn't stop bleeding out of my butt. Why would I say that when I could say that I got fired? Like, what?
Heather
So Kelsey's like, well, she makes up. And when you meet someone, you exaggerate things. Like, yeah, me and Richard building an 8, 000 square foot house. I could just blurt stupid out, oh, my gosh, who cares? I have no idea what they would care about the square footage or the honesty of the square footage of a house. Like, I've never talked to my friends about square footage. It's so weird.
Ben Mandelker
But then I think, like, what if I did? And then, like, someone didn't believe my square footage. It's just like, it's devastating to think about.
Heather
It could be devastating in the future. Rosie's like, we're adding 5000 square feet. The current house is 1500. And when we finish the garage into a gym. And she goes, it's not. It's a thousand. It's a thousand square feet. I know your garage plans. So what are you looking at? Her floor floor plans for her garage. Kelsey.
Ben Mandelker
Weirdo, why are you so obsessed? I mean, yes, we see the footprint of the extension, but, like, I don't. Why is she obsessed about this? I think she feels insecure. I think she feels like. Like Rosie and I are the young ones on this cast and I don't have anything to my name. And especially if the rumors are true that she was already broken up with her sugar daddy before the season even began. She knows she has nothing. She knows she's going to have nothing. And then she sees this person who has shaded her for being in this, like, modern relationship. And she's building a house. She's like, oh, yeah, well, you. You have a. You have a small foundation for what's supposed to be a large foundation, you know, And I heard you cheated.
Heather
Yeah, I guess. You know, I really don't like when people like when. When you're young and it's like, mom so and so was mean to me. And your mom's like, she was just jealous. I don't like that excuse. Oh, they're just jealous of you. But in this case, I'm like, oh, yeah, I think this is where that comes from. Because I think you're right. I think she's. She's just gel. She feels threatened. Like she's leaving a mansion. This girl's boyfriend is building her a mansion. You know, she's. She's has to start working. She has no skills, this lady. I mean, she works one day at a week at a new station, but still she's doing stuff, you know? So, yeah, I think she's threatened. She's threatened. I think you're right. So Ashley's like, I mean, the way that Kelsey's delivering this accusation, it's like she's so certain. I'm like, where's your garage floor plan proof?
Ben Mandelker
Kelsey's like, well, where there's smoke, there's fire. And Rosie goes, well, just because the answer isn't what you want doesn't mean it's not true. You can believe whatever you want and I'm cool with that. She goes, you know what? This is another act of Rosie. This is like the calm Rosie. She's always telling the truth, but I'm not buying one word that comes out of her mouth. Nope. Cuz I'm Kelsey and I'm very smart and I can always tell a disingenuous when I see one.
Heather
So Rosie's like, well, why do you care? I don't care. Well, it seems like you care. I mean, I think you just didn't want to like me and that's okay. She goes, well, I don't think that you want to like me neither, so I'm good with this.
Ronnie Caram
You know what?
Ben Mandelker
Kelsey just wants to discredit everything about me. You're attacking my house. You don't have a house. You're attacking my relationship, my husband. You don't have a husband. You're attacking my career. You've had one for about, like a year. Maybe it's a lot easier to project
Ronnie Caram
things onto me than to possibly be
Ben Mandelker
a target of everyone talking about what's really going on in your life. So shut the up.
Heather
Yeah, well, thanks for coming to visit us. That's the door over there. She goes, good night. She just leaves. And by the way, Joe Allen has followed her in and it's like standing behind her like, yeah, what Kelsey said. And then when Kelsey leaves, Joellen follows her out like, yeah, I'm sticking with my girl. You're.
Ben Mandelker
Yeah, you're on the wrong side of me. I went to behavioral camp. I was around arsonist stabbers.
Heather
I was an innocent person convicted in behavioral camp. You better watch your ass.
Ben Mandelker
I got hard.
Ronnie Caram
Real hard.
Ben Mandelker
Be careful. All right, well, that was funny. And the trip will continue next week. Thank you. Thanks, everyone for being here. Catch us on Crappy Hour if it's not too late and we will see you on the next episode.
Ronnie Caram
Bye.
Heather
Bye.
Ben Mandelker
Watch what crap. INS would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King.
Heather
Our way is the Amber Way.
Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Heather
scotch with Jessica Trot.
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Heather
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Heather
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Heather
love Aya Olivia Williamson.
Ben Mandelker
She sure is swell. It's Raquel.
Heather
Yes, we canna. It's Savannah.
Ben Mandelker
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Heather
Darn Skippy. It's Tippy. And our super premium sponsors She's VVIP
Ben Mandelker
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Heather
we're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.
Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
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Heather
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Ben Mandelker
Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska. She's the queen bee. It's Sarah Lemke.
Heather
We cannot tell a lie. It's Sarah.
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Tell of son Shannon out of a cannon. Anthony, please don't stop. It's solely and pop. Let's take off with Tamla playing Strike
Heather
a pose it's Tori Rose. She ain't no shrinking violet.
Ben Mandelker
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Podcast Date: May 4, 2026
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Summary by Podcast AI
In this episode, Ben and Ronnie recap and hilariously dissect episode 6 of Real Housewives of Rhode Island, now on their first cast trip to a Newport mansion. The hosts dig into Kelsey’s breakup drama, mommy issues galore, doll tea parties gone weird, and the intricate (and shady) dynamics among the women. With their signature blend of roasting and empathy, Ben and Ronnie deliver biting commentary, pop culture references, and sharp observations about everything from housing square footage to the etiquette of backhanded compliments.
Opening RHORI Plotline (03:36 - 10:19)
Kelsey FaceTimes Liz about the split, admitting it’s scary having to be independent for the first time at 30.
Hosts lampoon Kelsey’s limited life skills and basic fear of adulting.
Kelsey’s Security Blanket (59:11 - 60:56)
Privilege and Self-awareness
Ben and Ronnie’s tone is as snarky and irreverent as ever, balancing mockery (“She’s going to be settling for Newport cigarettes soon,” Heather, 34:21) with moments of genuine curiosity and occasional empathy for the Real Housewives. Their running jokes about privilege, incompetence, and doll trauma stitch the recap together with consistent hilarity.
This episode delivers vintage Watch What Crappens: ruthless but affectionate recap, insight into Bravo social climbing, and the endless comedy in Housewives’ melodramas—especially when no one can get the last word, whether it’s about who’s lying, who’s entitled, or who’s actually homeless. With Newport as the backdrop, the facade is both literal and figurative, and the cast drops their masks just long enough for more feuds to bubble up for next week’s drama.
End of Summary