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Kristen
Mom, can you tell me a story? Sure.
Jasmine
Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car.
Kristen
Was she brave?
Jasmine
She was tired mostly.
Kristen
But she went to Carvana.com and found
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
a great car at a great price.
Kristen
No secret treasure map required.
Jasmine
Did you have to fight a dragon?
Podcast Announcer
Nope.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
She bought it 100% online from her bed, actually.
Kristen
Was it scary?
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Honey, it was as unscary as car buying could be.
Kristen
Did the car have a sunroof?
Jasmine
It did, actually. Okay, good story. Car buying. You'll want to tell stories about.
Kristen
Buy your car today on Carvana.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
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Jasmine
So.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
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Kristen
Who cares what happens when there's so much. That happens? Hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens. A podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. This is part two of the recap. If you missed part one, go check out your podcast feed. It's right there. And without further ado, let's get right back into the recap.
Jasmine
So then the Britney is setting up girls night and Sparkle Lala comes and Laa's like, what the. She's like, girl, we are doing a crab boil.
Kristen
Yeah, it's bicycle. I'm doing a whole transformation. I'm having a tummy talk. I'm getting breast implants. I'm getting crab claws added to me. That's why we got this. I'm gonna collect all the claws afterwards and bring them to the doctor. I just want to have them on my back. I be like rattling around. It'll be fun.
Jasmine
I'm might have crab claw ears.
Kristen
This going to be so good. Might have one of these shells. I'll be like, hello, I'm a crab.
Jasmine
I'm getting a tummy tuck. I'm getting breast implants taken out. I'm getting smaller ones back. Back in. I'm getting a lobster tail put on my tailbone.
Kristen
I'm getting 360 lipo. Y' all won't even be able to
Jasmine
keep gloves on me.
Kristen
So. Oh, Zach is Janet, Mitch. Everyone comes over, all the girls, and Zach come over, and Zach is like, wait, wait, wait. Tell her to close her eyes. And Jasmine's like, okay, close your eyes. Okay, close your eyes. Okay, hold on me. Kristen and Jasmine want to get you something really special.
Jasmine
Okay.
Kristen
This is the first of two times that this happens on the show of Close your eyes. We've got you a gift. In this case, Zach has purchased a 1:8 scale of Britney's boobs turned into a cake.
Jasmine
It says, rip titties.
Kristen
It's like, oh, you're in 2015-2025, baby. Yay.
Jasmine
Sonia comes with her nanny Fun Christina. Everybody's super excited. Hey, Christina.
Kristen
Hey, girl.
Jasmine
She's like, oh, my God, is that a titty K? So she brings in the baby and stuff. And then Britney's like, you like crap? And he's like, no,
Kristen
Okay, well, I got corn and sausage, and there's chicken wings and there's fries. There's also, if you look under the crap, there's some burgers down there. Oh, this is Caesar salad under that. That crab claw over there. And, oh, there's some ice cream, too. It's like, damn, what is happening in this crab thing?
Jasmine
I like when Lala walked in, she's like, aren't you having surgery tomorrow? Like, what the. Is this really the time to binge?
Kristen
I know it seems like a strange choice to go, like, New New Orleans crab boil right before you have to go under the knife. I mean, you're almost not supposed to
Jasmine
poop a lot, and it's going to be hard to poop. Why would you do this to yourself? Yeah.
Kristen
It's also like, I know you're not really supposed to eat before you have anesthesia. So I'm like, I'm curious about this situation. Do a lot of people get crab boils before breast reductions? I just want to know. You know, you're trying to. You're so. You're like, I'm going to remove the lipo, but before I do that, let's just. Let's just add, like, some crab to it real quickly.
Jasmine
Just like, to have a binge right before you go for a 360 lipo. I mean, that's so intense. And fat doesn't turn to fat right away. Like, you can eat something one day and it takes time for your body to turn it into fat. So it's like you're putting fat on when you're about fat. Taken. I just. It's just the logic of it, you know? But we're talking about Brittany, and there's not. There's not a lot of logic there. So, you know.
Kristen
Yeah, I think it's letterless. The salt is very intense with a meal like this, I'll tell you that much. Remember when we went to oh My Crab last year?
Jasmine
Yes.
Kristen
You didn't like it, you know.
Jasmine
Oh, yeah. I'm just not a big. I. I go because I have so much fun and your friends are so nice and I always love talking. And I eat it because I like the spices. Like, I'll dip my bread in the spices and stuff. But ultimately, I'm like this cast that looks at it like, ew, like you're just breaking apart dead things. And the best one we went to was in New Orleans. That was a good one.
Kristen
Oh, well, that was.
Jasmine
That was great.
Kristen
All those crawfish.
Jasmine
That was incredible. We had so much. It wasn't only crawfish. I mean, it was like we ate the whole restaurant. We really. We did a pre 360 lipo binge at that place. Yeah, we went nuts. That was really good. But most of them, I'm like, no, unless I have good.
Kristen
Yeah. The saddest one was the one we went to in Alabama where you just basically watched me eat crawfish in that, like, empty, empty restaurant.
Jasmine
I was not going to trust that strip mall. I was not going to trust that Alabama.
Kristen
I was like, ronnie, we're going to get some local food. Nope.
Jasmine
And that was even before GLP1s. I mean, that's how shitty that food looked. I was like, nope, I'm saying no to you. And I'm not even drugged.
Kristen
So Lala tells us, I like the kind of crab that sings like a little companion in like a Disney movie. Like, not dead on a table for me to eat. So like a Disney companion. So they're eating and, like, you know, Brittany goes all in. She's like. Is sticking in her mouth. She's like, oh, crabs.
Jasmine
Zach's like, brittany, absolutely not. This is not a beer bottle that you're trying to open. Don't use your teeth.
Kristen
Janet also has an update. She's like, so I came home and nothing made me want to have sex with Jason more than knowing that I couldn't. And I was like, wait, we can't. And he was like, I thought about it. And then he went over all the options and all of them just seemed like potential re injury, especially that one move that was, hey, pretend we're playing basketball, then let's have sex afterwards. That was going to be really bad on his knee.
Jasmine
Mala's like, well, you're going to have to give him blowjobs. And she's like, no, that's not going to happen. Zach's like, jesus, Benji. And I'll take care of him. At least I get blowjobs. I mean, jeez. I think I blocked though. I can't even text him.
Kristen
Yeah, I reached out to him when I found out and I was like, oh, my God, that's terrible. Yeah, I really appreciate that, Jack. And then they started talking about how the paramedic who picked up Jason was like, super hot. Because that's something that happens in LA all the time. It's crazy. It's crazy.
Jasmine
Truly, it is. Like porn star care workers or the fireman services workers. Yes.
Kristen
Oh, my God. It's crazy.
Jasmine
Firemen are kind of universe. Not universally. I mean, not, not 100%, but like 90%. I mean, there's a lot of firemen. There really are. It's so. Yeah, they're talking about that. And Janet's like, yeah, Jason tried to get his number, you guys. He tried to get his number.
Kristen
What did you.
Jasmine
Why? Why was Jason trying to get his number?
Kristen
Maybe. What's going on here? I don't know, but I'm sort of into.
Jasmine
Suddenly I care about Jason's knee. I'm like, fix. You can get back down on it,
Kristen
sir, with a hot, hot fireman. Yeah, I'd like to see where this goes.
Jasmine
So saying. Well, yeah, I just want everybody to know I made a meal train for Britney. Oh, God. Nia's the meal train person. Of course she is.
Kristen
I know exactly. Of course. God, I hate the meal train. I love doing the mail trains. You know what it is? I. I go ahead. Love making food for people and I've. I'm happily have provided food for meal trains. But it's the meal train person who gets to the. Like that. They're the one who annoys me because they're sort of like very perky but, like insistent that you help on their schedule. It's like, I set this up here, this lot, so you have to do it this way. And I'm like, I kind of want to do it my way. Like, I'll just make the.
Jasmine
Why are all these. And I'll bring it over. Your child has soccer practice. Like, you're making it convenient for yourself, but not the rest of us. Here's my thing with meal trains. I think they're super nice. My mom is sick and so she has meal trains and stuff like that. Her friends are so sweet. Like, they really are the best women she could ever be. Gifted. You know, angels that I'm about to diss right now. So here's the thing. You get a meal train. I think it's great to have a meal trained person. And in her case, the meal trained person is like an angel. But there also needs to be a meal trained judge. Okay? There needs to be like, if you have the bitchy gay son, have him do it. That needs to look over the meal train list and say, absolutely not. I do not want your spaghetti. Spaghetti is not meal train food. Or to be like, you know what? A tuna sandwich is not a meal train food. No one wants that. Or like to be able to taste it and like give tips. Like, this was. Rate it. Maybe a meal trained rating system where you're like, this food sucks. You know, put them, put them on the end of the week or something where we're not going to be home anyway.
Kristen
Yeah. And I don't know why. Maybe this is me being really insensitive. Does Brittany need a male train in terms of like this, this surgery that she's going through? Obviously she's, she needs someone to pick her up and she's, she's gonna be hurting and everything. But like, is it at meal train level? Is it like, can it just be, can we bring her over a casserole and. Well, like, I know when you're ailing
Jasmine
enough food today to last about two weeks. So there's that. But also, yeah, the what she's doing. And I know because I went to the doctor to ask about my own mommy makeover. And they were like, but you don't have a vagina. I was like, I've got a fupa. So get your sucker ready because you're getting this whole body done. And so I talked to them about it and apparently they, it hurts really bad, but they also like cut your muscle. Like they cut your stomach muscle and then pull it up and like resew it. So you're. Wow, severe pain. Yeah.
Kristen
Okay. At least that's what meal train.
Jasmine
Granted, I'm a disaster by the Way. So, yeah, I think, I think it is meal train. But you know what? I can't do it at my place because that hill, I live up a hill. How the am I even gonna Uber home from the place? I'm not gonna be able to walk up that hill. I was watching her try to walk up the stairs.
Kristen
Wait, are you. Are you doing this in. You do it? You're doing this in la?
Jasmine
Yeah, I think so. I mean, I would trust LA more.
Kristen
I'll get you up that hill, Ronnie. Don't you worry about that.
Jasmine
Well, you can back up the hill now in your car, right? You're good at that.
Kristen
Yeah, well, I don't back up.
Jasmine
I just go.
Kristen
I go. I go straight up and then I back down it.
Jasmine
Oh, well, that's a brave way to do it.
Kristen
I think it's easier.
Jasmine
I don't know. I couldn't ask anybody to see me like that.
Kristen
Be like, come on, come on.
Jasmine
You know, either way, nightmare.
Kristen
I'll be like, okay, I will grant. I will grant Britney the. The meal train. I will grant her the meal train. Meal train granted. I just got a notification from Amtrak and the meal train is departing the station. Congratulations. You got a ticket.
Jasmine
And how hard can it be? It's a meal train for Britney. You just need to have some wings and some nuggets.
Kristen
And she's fine, but like, well, also, where's Sherry? Where is Sherry in all this?
Jasmine
Where is Sherry in her white lip? Her white ass lips?
Kristen
Someone needs a leave her, like a little trail of chalk to go to the car and just. Just guide her Hansel and Gretel style.
Jasmine
She's been through so many of these surgeries, though, with Brittany, because she was with Brittany for one last season or the season before when Brittany got her neck or whatever done, she was there. I remember her being there, but she's probably like, girl, how many surgeries are you getting a year? I'm out, okay? I'm mom trained out. We're going to start a mom train to just start sending in other reality stars. Mom for your ass. I've done enough.
Kristen
I don't know. I don't know why I had such a reaction to the meal train. It's just like, I think that they do a tremendous service and I love that their websites that are set up that just make it so easy. I, you know, okay. I think if I drill down to it, I know I'm gonna make something awesome for the meal train. Last time I did it, I made. Last time I contributed to a meal Train. I made an amazing dish that unfortunately featured nuts, and the child was allergic to nuts, so it was not really palatable for the family. But it still was amazing.
Jasmine
You're my hero.
Kristen
But I was like, buck up. It's a good meal. So what? You'll get some hives. I have to go to the hospital. I could do two meal trains at once.
Jasmine
Will be worth it. You little wine.
Kristen
No, but I know I'll do something really good. But then, like, I go onto the meal train site and it's like, oh, unfortunately, the only availability is, like, Tuesday at 2pm and it's like, I can't do that. I can't do that. And now I can't do it. And it's annoying. And it's because, like, Nia has been like, sorry, I gave. I gave, like, the easier slots to Janet or whatever, or to Michelle Lolly.
Jasmine
Yeah.
Kristen
And it's like, but they're gonna make shitty food. And I can make. I can make a really good thing, and I have to be stuck in the slot. What's. That's most inconvenient for me. I feel like that's not fair.
Jasmine
Yeah.
Kristen
And I feel like that's what always happens. Meal trains. It's like, you always get stuck with a bad slot, and then someone who's really bad at, like, making food, like, takes up all the good slots. They actually go and they claim all the good slots. And then it's like, congrats, Enjoy your Lean Cuisines. You're about to get.
Jasmine
Yeah, well, I think a lot of it, too. I don't know why we're spending 80 hours on meal trains. But there's so obnoxious, too.
Kristen
I'm like, I can make a good meal train.
Jasmine
No, because I'm so into this discussion. No, I'm so into this discussion, too. But I think another part of it is that it's elective surgery. And sometimes that makes me a little, like, excuse you. You know, like, the last meal train was for my friend with cancer. You're getting a tuck. Like, I'm not making.
Kristen
That's what it. I'm not.
Jasmine
You don't get. You know, like, you don't get my.
Kristen
That's why it feels a little. That's. I. I feel it's for, you know, people who are, like, sick and like. And are, like, they. It's just.
Jasmine
It's.
Kristen
It's. It's a real thing. Look, if you're in pain from a lipo, like, your. Your pain is still valid. Your feelings are valid, but Your pain is still your pain. So you do okay.
Jasmine
You change. You've changed my mind. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappens commercial.
Kristen
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Jasmine
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Kristen
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Jasmine
There's no question too embarrassing for Amazon Health AI. Chat your symptoms and get virtual care 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful. Okay, so Janet says Jason tried to get his number, which I'm still thinking about. I thought about it all night. I was like, what is.
Kristen
It's getting hotter.
Jasmine
Why didn't anybody question that? So maybe Jason getting a dick train. What's happening? Let's. Let's set up a dick train for Jason. So Britney's like, okay, well, you know,
Kristen
thank y' all for being here, because I'm just freaking the hell out.
Jasmine
I mean, wait, why do I feel
Kristen
like I'm gonna cry?
Jasmine
It's a big deal, Brittany. Yes, it is something you have wanted for years. Yeah, something I wanted for years. You know, going through such a bad
Kristen
relationship where I was like, told my body look like a tree trunk.
Jasmine
Kind of fucking hate Jax.
Kristen
Awful. So she's like, oh,
Jasmine
Brittany's like a hottie. Like, when she's bigger, I think she's hot. She looks gorgeous. I don't understand how anybody could be with Brit. I mean, there's a lot to say about Britney, but ugly and tree trunk body is not what I would go with. This gorgeous girl. You've got a Hooters. You've got, like. You know, I saw an interview with Brittany, like one of those Hooters on the street interviews. Sporkle on the streets. And she was talking about she's in the Hooters hall of fame, and she has, like, a gold card where she can just eat free Hooters for life. I mean, that's a. That's a hot. That's a hot girl. Like, why are we off Jax still. Yeah, Jax isn't even there anymore. Still. Off Jax.
Kristen
Yeah. And she just, was, just, she was. She tells how she was like in a really bad place and know. And she's just trying to remove the last vestiges of Jack because if it doesn't serve her anymore, she can get rid of it. So she's like, I feel so good. And Lala goes, I know this sounds cheesy, but I'm like, I'm like very excited to. For you to feel like the way I see you. Oh my God, I hope you see me like a crab. Cuz I. We get those shells on my back. It's going to be great.
Jasmine
I know you have. I know you've been through a lot. Jack's. Janet's like out with the old. She goes, yeah, with old titties. They. With new titties.
Kristen
Okay.
Jasmine
It is very the Valley for someone to be like, I'm going through an empowerment storyline by getting my, my ex's titties out of me.
Kristen
So then you know what? I love these.
Jasmine
And I'm getting rid of them.
Kristen
I'm getting my own boobies. So they've all eaten all this crab while standing over the kitchen island and now they, they like pack it all up. And I love how the whole group came together to like wipe down that table. I was like, wow, you guys really did that. This is the messiest table in a second. And then like, it was. That was friends. I was like, I was genuinely touched by how they all made that kitchen island sparkle clean. And meanwhile, for sure sporkle. And then meanwhile, Jasmine was drinking Opus, this bottle of Opus, which apparently is very expensive. And she didn't realize. And they're like, Neil's like, you're drinking Opus. What? That's expensive. Oh my God. You emptied it.
Jasmine
Wow.
Kristen
Someone drank a bottle of. In the group. Everyone. Yeah.
Jasmine
And she's like, I think it said Opus. I don't know. I'm dyslexic.
Kristen
I was looking for my favorite wine. I don't know Opus.
Jasmine
That's so expensive. I don't know. I didn't, I didn't drink at all. She's like, it's empty. This isn't like a hundred plus dollars per bottle of wine. She's like, I didn't know. This is a very expensive bottle of wine. Daniel. It's like, Nia, that you're more upset about this than you're your husband emotionally abusing you in Everybody. Good lord, calm down. It's not yours.
Kristen
Well, the word Opus is very triggering in their household, mainly because it reminds Danny of things that he doesn't have in his career. So la la. We call that an opus zing around here in the crappin parts.
Jasmine
I love it.
Kristen
Come for the artichoke humor, Stay for the opus zings.
Jasmine
That was like Pulitzer. I think it was good.
Kristen
I mean, Mr. Hollander has one.
Jasmine
I know. It's so dopist. He's so sweet.
Kristen
Really?
Jasmine
Yeah. He's got awards. And he does have awards, actually.
Kristen
Opus has an opus. When he dies, he'll have an obit. An obit of his opus.
Jasmine
So, yeah, and he is freaking out about the wine. And then Brittany's like, I don't drink it.
Kristen
I'm like, what the hell? What do I care? When was the last time you saw a crab drinking wine? Right? So I get into character. So excited for tomorrow. So Kristen is like, I don't know why I'm so committed to the idea.
Jasmine
Transforming herself into a crab at her.
Kristen
Well, I thought, I guess she's any sort of animal I want.
Jasmine
So. So Michelle's like, I have one Oba's bottle. That is all I got from my marriage. One bottle of obas. So they.
Kristen
Outside, outside. Lala, Kristen, and Zach sit down, which is, of course, as we all recognize the pre gas obsession before the group fight. So Lala's like, so, what's new? And he's like, we did talk to Nia today, and I feel like she doesn't like to hear certain things. Also, my neck hurts from following her bouncing so much. It was like 15 minutes of straight nodding.
Jasmine
She had to leave, though, because her baby broke its neck. That was sad. And Kristen's like, well, she said that Daniel apologized to you and that spoke to you about it. And she's like, yes, but this isn't about me. This is about how I witnessed a man speaking to his wife's.
Kristen
Yeah, I don't know for myself, I don't feel like, oh, here come the end. Jasmine. Hey, girl.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Hey.
Jasmine
So, because everyone's quiet and Lala's just looking at her like, it's like, so I hear you guys were talking about me a little bit. I'm gonna put on my crazy head of hoa smile.
Kristen
People of the world better watch out. It's a meal train gonna run you over, Lala. So Lala's like, so, like, you know what? Like, yeah, so, you know, we went to lunch, and I was just saying that I've been through some in my life, but I was triggered because I watched a man yelling at a woman sk and like, I don't know how you guys speak to each other. I'm not in your marriage. I just know there's strange shit happenings.
Jasmine
So she says, you know, I. It's hard to describe her feelings towards Daniel. He's a church going family man and give him a bit of liquor and he wilds out. And if his wife knows, she chooses to turn a blind eye and she can't decide if they're trying to hide a very dark, deep rooted secrets or if Nia's just struggling to survive in it. And Lala is saying, you know, this happened in a public common area in the house we were staying in. So you're being put in a very vulnerable position and I don't want that to happen to you because that's not normal behavior. I thought this was well said on Lala's part. I thought it was well explained and she was, she made it very clear. I'm not talking about the drinking. I'm talking about how he's yelling at you in public and I don't want you to be in a position like, like that.
Kristen
Yes, I appreciate that. But also Daniel has his own therapist and I have my own therapist and we have a couple's therapy. Like we really stay on top of healthy, open communication and we're good. Yeah, this friend group is not perfect, but I think overall we're, we're like pretty perfect. And Jasmine's like, yeah, but like she hasn't been around and if you're like new to the group or something like that. No, Jasmine, you're not the one who could say. Anyways, I feel like if Zach felt a certain sort of. She's drunk. I love you, Jasmine, but you're drunk.
Jasmine
What the. This is so weird. Why isn't Jasmine allowed to talk? Yeah, so. And Jasmine feels the same way. She's like, I'm not drunk. Don't say that, Kristen. She's like, yes, you are and I still love you. She goes, kristen, don't say that. It's up. Don't say it. If I'm drunk, then you're drunk. Don't say I'm drunk. She's like, I already forgot what I was saying though, so. Yeah, exactly. Because you're drunk too, so don't say that I'm drunk. So now Jasmine's ready to go. Everyone's just ignoring Jasmine because they're like, can we say on one thing at a time? You can fight with Kristen in a minute. Okay, I know we're on abusive.
Kristen
Jasmine's like, Jasmine's like on Deck. So she's, like, getting ready. She's sort of like, oh. And she spends the rest of them being like, oh, okay, well, I guess you're gonna say that thing. Which is fine because, like, apparently I can't say.
Jasmine
It's sitting on the edge of the. On the arm of Kristen's chair. And she keeps turning around like, really? You want to start with me? This is some. And Kristen's just like, what? Everyone's just trying not to look at Jasmine so they don't have to move on to this fight. They're like, jasmine, we're in the middle of a very serious scene. You can do this fight after. Okay, calm, calm. Not. Not your time yet. Just give it a minute.
Kristen
And Neil's like, the fact that they're talking to me about. About Daniel having an issue with drinking when Jasmine's over here, like, whoa, is it okay if I talk about her? Well, the people are allowed to get drunk in this group. They're allowed to. It's that Danny makes people feel uncomfortable when he does it.
Jasmine
Jasmine isn't yelling at her wife right now in public, Mia. So, no, it's not the same. So Kristen's like, oh, I lost my train of thought. Oh, thank God I didn't. You didn't lose the train of meals.
Kristen
Meal train.
Jasmine
Anyway, sorry. Look, you know, maybe because of your pageant background, they're assuming that it was like this, like, perfect, like, maybe, look, you have to look perfect type of thing. She's like, well, he did speak to me in a way that I did not like. And Jasmine's like, oh, so I shouldn't talk, right? I shouldn't talk. So, okay, I guess I'm not gonna talk then. I'll just be over here not talking.
Kristen
You know, there's something that's, like, really make me upset that, like, happened to me last year, but apparently I can't say it, so never mind. Well, I was like, okay, you know, I love all the communication, and I could be coming from, like, a very wounded place. But, like, I was triggered. And when I'm feeling something, I feel like I need to talk about it. Yeah, I respect that. That's your experience. And these moments could absolutely trigger you or somebody. And then Jasmine's like, what the hell? You were sitting here validating her triggers, but last year you weren't validating my triggers. That's all I'm saying. And Jasmine says this is what's annoying her so much, is that, like, Lala can be like, oh, wow, Danny made me feel this way. And Then everyone's like, oh, wow, Lala, tell us more. But then last year when Jasmine said it, they're like, okay, whatever. And all hell broke like lose. I think that's a valid point.
Jasmine
Well, I'm trying to remember how it went down because I feel like they did support Jasmine, but then it turned into Janet kept going and going. It's like Janet just kept it going and making it bigger and bigger and bigger. And then they. They flipped out on Janet. But I see how Jasmine is like that, especially when she's sitting here, you know, talking about this to people and she's being shut up for no reason.
Kristen
Well, because last crazy behavior of Chris last year, she was. Last year, Kristen did not support Jasmine in this. On the Santa Barbara trip. And when Danny passed out and Jasmine's like, hello, this is like crazy. This is like weird. Like, like whatever. Why are we not acting like this?
Jasmine
Barber trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kristen
And then Kristen was like, oh, he's allowed to get drunk. Because back then there was like kind of more of a prevailing thought. Like, look, you had a long day and you drank and he passed out and like there's nothing deep in it.
Jasmine
And now that's how I thought back then. I'll admit to it. I was like, well, now we're on a group trip and he's drunk. What's the big deal? He took a nap. Isn't that good? Who cares if he's not out here fighting with you guys drunkenly? Like, that's a weird reason to be mad. So, yeah, I forgot about that part. So thanks for reminding me.
Kristen
She was upset about that. And yes, Kristen pushed back on that one. So yeah, I think she's fair to be like, hello.
Jasmine
Yeah, I do too.
Kristen
Hello. But Lala is basically like, okay, you know, I want to leave this conversation with all of us feeling good. Dusk. And Jasmine's like, oh, well. Oh, so I'm just gonna. I'll just take what. And she's like doing this thing. She's like closing her lips with her fingers. She's like, Jasmine's just doing her own little show on the side and they're fully ignoring her. So now it's a commercial break and it's Britney's surgery day. And so Britney's in like a surgical gown that looks like very much like from that show. You were just what? The prophet. She sort of. When she was. She was. She wasn't in makeup and she was in this very floral long gown and it was. And her hair was back and she had her glasses on and it was funny to me because I feel like whenever I see a show about cults, there's always someone like an elder who, when you look at them you're like this person who I just assumed was like 68. I'm realizing they're just like 36. They just have styled themselves that like, because they're in the cult they have to like style themselves in this very, very old fashioned way.
Jasmine
And it was like funny horn rimmed glasses.
Kristen
Yeah. And like so seeing Britney like this, I was like, oh, it's sort of cool because I always imagine when I see those cult documentaries of like someone who is, who is dressed like that, I'm always imagining what would they look like if they actually had styling that was more, more like current and more of like of the moment. I'm like, I always wonder what their makeover would look like. And so it was cool because when I saw Brittany getting ready for surgery, she looked at me like she was in a culture. Yeah, yeah. It was like reverse. And I was like, oh, now I can imagine.
Jasmine
Like, oh, it's a good idea for a show. Cult makeovers, you know, we just go in and take the, you know, the fundamentalist lds, ladies from all the cults and just all the cult documentaries on Netflix and just like here, you know, there's a push up bra and a, you know, a sky top.
Kristen
You did get to see. We got to see some of them in a. Out of cult garb. But it was sort of cool. I was like, oh, I had this weird moment where I said where I saw Brittany like that and I was like, I can imagine her in a cult and now I'm happy because I can imagine what her cult makeover would look like and it would just be Britney. So I was like, I don't know if that makes sense. Happy thing for me.
Jasmine
Most women wear makeup and do their hair and all that stuff and guys just always look like the before of a cult. That's the thing. Like we just always look like shit. You know, we're like, we're always as unput together as can be.
Kristen
Yeah.
Jasmine
You know, it's a privilege I guess. Like we can just walk around looking like we're in a fundamentalist cult both day and night. It's a, it's a day to evening look for us.
Kristen
Well anyway, that was clearly the pressing thought in my mind. So Britney is starting her mommy makeover and she's just saying that she was in a really dark place about how she felt and how her body looked and she would just cancel plans and stay home and didn't want to go out. And this is her way of taking her power back. And it's a big deal for her. So she goes under the knife. And then Jasmine and Kristen meet up for. For a lunch, and they have a nice little lunch. And Jasmine basically is like, you know, first they start talking about babies, but she's really just there to say, look, it bothered me that you discredited me and like, my feelings need to be considered.
Jasmine
Yeah. So then where are we? I got distracted.
Kristen
So they're at this. They're at this restaurant and Jasmine's saying like, yes.
Jasmine
So Jasmine, I have a lot of emotions.
Kristen
She has a big monologue.
Jasmine
Yes. And I liked her opening up about this. And I also liked Kristen not arguing and just listening and being like, okay, you know, I get it and thank you for explaining it like that. But she basically, Jasmine is saying, you know, I just want to let you know how I feel because leaving Crab Boy all night, I had all these emotions because Lala's talking about how she's triggered about Danny. And you and Zach are just like supporting her and listening to her. And I had to pause because I was like, when I had a situation with Danny, it was totally overlooked and I don't even want to cry. But, you know, she starts to cry and she's like, I didn't know. You know, I know you and Nia are close, but I'm like, God, I thought I was closer to Kristen. And, you know, it just, everything going so left kind of ruined it for me that I didn't get the same level of support. And Kristen cops to it and she's like, well, basically, I think my hatred for Janet, like my need to be right against Janet overshadowed my being there for you as a friend. Right. I thought that was a pretty good way to put it. And true.
Kristen
Yeah. And Jasmine says, you know, I'm black, I'm gay, I'm a woman. I have to fight three times harder than anybody in this group for to be taken seriously. And not just this group, the world. So don't ever want, you know, my friends to think that. But, like, it has crossed my mind before. Are they listening to Lala because she's white? I think sometimes I do think that. I don't know. So then Kristen is like, yeah, I didn't. I didn't make you guys more important than protecting Danny and Nia. And. And they have, like a nice moment. They clasp hands and it's lovely. Here comes one right now.
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Kristen
So now it's 2pm Almost, and Brittany is coming out of surgery. And doctor's like, how are you feeling? She's like, I don't feel great. I don't like being a crab. And he's like, okay, well, you have some tightness. And then Kristen and Zach.
Jasmine
I'll let go of my finger. Let go of my finger. It actually. You're cutting through my actual finger. Okay, these claws are gonna take a minute to get used to, but you will get used to them. Okay? Don't pick up paper. Don't check your own mail. You will cut your bills in half. Okay?
Kristen
You don't know.
Jasmine
You're on.
Kristen
Kiss the girl.
Jasmine
Okay, kissing. Fine. No hand jobs. No hand jobs for a while. Okay.
Kristen
Under the sea. Okay. Doctor, is it true that everything's better where everything's wetter? Okay, that's you.
Jasmine
But I'm gonna need to do the same thing I did during that movie and request that Ursula get back on the screen.
Kristen
Okay, thanks. Somebody say something about artichokes.
Jasmine
I'm here.
Kristen
Meal train for the doctors.
Jasmine
Poor unfortunate hearts. So Kristen. Kristen and the friends coming in. Kristen and Zach come like, oh, my God. How are you, girl? Just let me tell my friends now. Do not come in and visit me after my 360 tummy tuck thing. Don't do it. Don't do it.
Kristen
Well, someone has to come in there and. And. And fetch you.
Jasmine
It's probably paying a postmate. No, I'm paying a postmate to do it.
Kristen
You pay a male escort?
Jasmine
Yeah. Oh, no, not an escort. God, I don't want to see.
Kristen
I don't want job description.
Jasmine
No.
Kristen
Yeah, well, we'll figure something out for you. That's funny. Escort. That's what they do, right? Are they hired to take people from hospitals?
Jasmine
No. No. So now they're just checking on Brittany and stuff. And I feel like An. They're driving her home. He's like, well, you look amazing.
Kristen
You don't look like an.
Jasmine
So they have to walk her up the stairs now. And it tell. And Kristen's like, oh, my God, Why didn't we get a postmate? That was a great idea, Ronnie. That's where I got the idea from Kristen.
Kristen
And then they keep making her laugh because, like, her stomach hurts so much, and she's like, stop making my life. So they get her upstairs, and then Zach is like, sorry, I do have to put this in your mouth. I don't know, was this medicine or something? He was like spooning her or something and she's like, oh, it's ground up artichoke. I hope you enjoy it.
Jasmine
So they're like, you're gonna look amazing. She's like, I can't believe I'm going
Kristen
to see over my titties. You're a cool guy. Hey, can you put some sunglasses on my boobies? Just that way they look like Kingsley.
Jasmine
Oh, you are literally so hard headed. What happened to your head?
Kristen
It's a crime haid nail.
Jasmine
Oh, wow. So they really did Jasmine. Now we go to another sick bed. This is Jason's. So Jasmine comes over to visit Jason with Tom Schwartz and you know, they're checking in on Jason.
Kristen
So really Tom Schwartz seen everyone? Basically he brings over a plant. They're like, wow, a plant. Yeah, it's been a while. So Jasmine comes over too. And they, they're all sort of like, sit down. And Janet's like, it's crazy how such like a little move resulted in all of this, right? I mean, wow. I have to think twice about going to Dave and Buster's now. And Tom's like, wow, it was a mighty move. Let's not belittle it. So Jasmine basically is like, yeah, I care about you. And I realized like, you guys actually really had my back last year. Jason's like, yeah, I mean, it wasn't hard to. I mean like I didn't feel like, you know. You know what I mean? I have a question. Am I getting less hot now that I'm sitting here? Please tell me it's not true, okay? I don't want my son to see me this way. No, no, you're fine. Jason. We've just been friends.
Jasmine
Make my butt look big. Tell me the truth.
Kristen
I just don't want my son to know that there was a moment in his life when his dad wasn't hot. So it's just really hard for me. So Jasmine basically says after seeing how Kristen and Zach are handling this Lala and Danny situation, I'm starting to see like, oh yeah, Jason and Janet actually did have my back last year. And I know they took it like a little too far, but I appreciate that you had my back when other people I thought were going to didn't.
Jasmine
Yeah. So now she's gonna, she's gonna defect to team Janet and Jason. Dun dun dun dun.
Kristen
The J. And the J.
Jasmine
And the J. Yeah, the triple J's. So then Schwarz has called him a
Kristen
Surprise over for no good reason. He's like. He's like, okay, guys, close your eyes because we have a surprise for you. I'm like, there's no surprise. We can see five guys behind you. There's a mariachi band. I was like, why is there a mariachi band behind there? So they come out. I. I'm sorry. I don't want live music blasting in my face if I'm ailing with a knee issue in my bedroom too much.
Jasmine
I don't either. I mean, mariachi bands are so talented and stuff, but I don't really want them at my table either because there's that awkward. Like, you have to watch and be like, oh, like, I'm so into this. Love this song. This is great. And it just keeps going. It's like they have to choose the five minute version. And then you're like, okay, here's five bucks. And they just keep going. It's like, okay, here's 10 bucks.
Kristen
Is.
Jasmine
This is blackmail now? Get the away from my table. What, you want my chips, too? What else can I give you? Do you want my jacket? Like, how much. How much money do I have to get you to get the away from my table at this point, you know?
Kristen
Yeah, I just. I just didn't understand why there was a mariachi band. Tom's like, no one can stay sad with the mariachi band, but they can stay sad if you stay in the room. So please.
Jasmine
And I can literally stay sad with a mariachi band. I love America. Don't get me wrong. Grew up with them. Actually had them at some of my birthday parties growing up, believe it or not, because I grew up in El Paso. Love a mariachi band. Just not right at my table and not right at my couch. You know, I need to go back to talking to my friends while you're singing and be like, oh, my God, isn't this a good. You know. Well, they're great. Not this. Oh, you're doing so good. You're doing great. Calling. No, go away. I've already given you $20 at this. 25. Okay, $25.
Kristen
Go.
Jasmine
So also, he did it because he's wacky. Schwartz guys.
Kristen
Yeah, this is just a wacky thing. That's why I couldn't stand it. I was like, you brought this guy back on the show to have this wacky mariachi moment? Please. So now we go over to a coffee shop where Michelle and Jesse are meeting, and Michelle's like, well, I didn't. I don't think you've been here have you? He's like, no, I haven't been to Wilshire since it got torn apart. You know, I haven't seen Michelle since San Diego. And definitely some of the things that need to be discussed, some things that were said, you know, we need to address them. And Michelle has a way of getting under my skin, but, you know, just takes me a beat to see where I went wrong. I'm like, don't. She has. She can get under your skin. You took out a loan. You took out a loan behind your back and are now making your half of it back.
Jasmine
Yes. And he's like, yeah, you know, it's been a long journey since our first first coffee together. So I got decaf. She's like, well, you know, that was exactly 10 years ago and you look a little older. He's like, wow, thanks. Well, clock. That is the first subtle dig of the afternoon. She goes, well, I just met a little older because it's been 10 years. I'm being nice.
Kristen
I don't think it was that subtle of a dig. I think you can clock it as a full fledged open dig, full on dig. That was just like, I have a hundred and forty nine thousand more of those coming towards you. One dig per dollar. So he is basically saying like, yeah, we were like kids back then and those are the good old days. So I wanted to apologize to you. I felt really ashamed of my overreaction in the kitchen the other day, and I, I think I turned it from Lacy and you having a conversation now. It was like, all about me. And since I've now apologized for that, I think I'm off the hook for many other things, like, I don't know, debts that I'm making you pay on my behalf. So have a great day.
Jasmine
At least 300, 000 other things.
Kristen
Okay.
Jasmine
This was great. By the way, did you pay for my coffee? I left the tab for you. It's decaf, so hopefully it's cheaper.
Kristen
All right.
Jasmine
And she's like, I do not want to. Oh, go ahead. I'm so sorry.
Kristen
No, you go ahead, please. No, my honor would be for you to go ahead.
Jasmine
I do not want to talk about the bastard anymore. I've asked for a divorce for two years. We are in limbo and it is awkward. You are my husband and you won't divorce me. Do you know how that makes me feel? And he's like, oh, my God, you keep telling people, I'm not gonna divorce you. Come on. People have come up to me and said, michelle told me you won't sign papers. I had to explain to the guys, we don't have papers designed. Absolutely no papers. How could I even sign? I would sign them in two seconds if I just had them right in front of me. That is crazy. I won't sign papers. Come on.
Kristen
We have papers.
Jasmine
I'm not signing those. Are you crazy? What? This is a coffee shop. Have some respect.
Kristen
It's very simple. And you know what? I am willing to take half of $300,000 of debt and just walk away. I get nothing from getting divorced to you. In fact, it hurts me, and. But I want to move on. I would like to move on to a very unexpected celebrity romance. Please let me have this. Please. I just want to. Because we can't be married forever.
Jasmine
He's like, oh, no, no. But I don't think we will. You know, we talked a couple of days ago about where we are with the SBA loan. She goes, yeah, well, I spoke to the lawyer again, and I said, what does Jesse need to do so we can move forward? And he said, you signed this. You put the date, and it will be law that I'm responsible for have the dead. I just want to be divorced. Oh, my God. I've just. I mean, I guess it's worth it, but this is just. This is huge. This is a huge loss. I would. I would. I would find. I. I would find a way out of this, but I'm trying. I'm just. I'm stumbling because I don't know what the way out would be, because the man is useless. He doesn't make any money. He hasn't saved any money. All he does is spend the money. And if you stay married to him, he could rack up this debt again. I just don't know what I would do, but it's stressing me out that she's signing this paper. I don't want her to do it.
Kristen
She should take out a loan and make him pay for half of it in return. But guess what? You also owe me $150,000.
Jasmine
That's true.
Kristen
Right before they get divorced. Yeah. Just to show him. So Jesse's like, I'm not stalling. I've moved on with my life. I'm not doing this to punish her. She sends me an email in May and doesn't follow up again until August. Like, if it wasn't in front of my face, it was kind of in the back of my head. I'm like, we know there's a hairdance. We know it's covering. That hair is covering all the things you should be doing. So Jesse is like. He's like, okay, well, I will sign this, and I will send you an email as soon as I get home. Like, okay, he's not signing it.
Jasmine
That's what that means, signing it. Then sign it right now.
Kristen
Sign it. It's like. Are you gonna cry? I don't know. Don't. Don't pull a Jesse. I am not. Why are you. Are you gonna cry? No. I thought pulling a Jesse meant taking out a secret lawn. I will cry. Yes.
Jasmine
Why? And she's like, I just want to be Abby again, and I don't see a window to push you out of. I just don't. I don't know why I'm crying. I'm super excited to get divorced, but it's obviously a little zad. Do you know? And she tells us she's sad because she thinks of the good memories, and they used to laugh, and they were good business partners, and they traveled well, and it was just so magical. And she's like, how could I even want to get divorced? But then I remember all the terrible moments, too. And he's like, you want to hug it out? She's like, sure. Wait. Get your hand out of my baget. Didn't you used to keep your wallet right here in the back?
Kristen
Ow. I just got pricked by something. Sorry. Kristin put an art of joke back there.
Jasmine
That is one of Britney's grab gloves that she didn't use on her bag. Always have a place in my heart for Michelle because we did go through a lot, and, God, her credit's good.
Kristen
Or was good.
Jasmine
Was good.
Kristen
God, exactly. It was fun destroying that for her. That was it. So, everyone, thank you so much for being here. Come join us next week and we will catch you on the next episode of Watch what Crap ins. Bye.
Jasmine
Bye, guys.
Kristen
Watch what crap INS would like to thank its premium sponsors. She answered the call. It's A.D. paul. Ain't no thing like out Allison King.
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Kristen
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Jasmine
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Kristen
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Jasmine
It's Tori Rose. She ain't no shrinking violet Cootar we love you guys.
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Date: May 28, 2026
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
In this hilarious and incisive recap, Ben and Ronnie dish on Part Two of The Valley Season 3, Episode 9—an episode packed with botched meal trains, mommy makeovers, crustacean humor, and the ongoing drama of messy friendships and marriages. The hosts revel in the absurdity of Bravo’s cast, using their trademark wit to scrutinize performative support, elective surgery culture, and group dynamics—all while turning every major and minor plot into comedic gold.
[01:56 – 04:55]
Notable Quote:
“I'm getting crab claws added to me. I'm gonna collect all the claws afterwards and bring them to the doctor. I just want to have them on my back... Might have one of these shells. I'll be like, hello, I'm a crab.” – Ronnie as Britney [02:14]
[04:06 – 05:19]
[08:49 – 15:39]
Notable Quotes:
“There needs to be a meal train judge. If you have the bitchy gay son, have him do it… Like, ‘A tuna sandwich is not a meal train food. No one wants that.’” – Ronnie [09:27]
"That's what meal trains are for, you know, people who are, like, sick... It's a real thing. Look, if you're in pain from a lipo, your pain is still valid, but..." – Ben [15:28]
[07:05 – 08:49]
[22:29 – 28:39]
Notable Quotes:
“You were sitting here validating her triggers, but last year you weren’t validating my triggers. That’s all I’m saying.” – Jasmine [26:39]
“Last year, Kristen did not support Jasmine… There was like a prevailing thought: ‘look, you had a long day and you drank and he passed out, nothing deep in it.’” – Ben [28:04]
[29:39 – 31:22]
[32:09 – 34:09]
Notable Quote:
“I’m black, I’m gay, I’m a woman. I have to fight three times harder than anybody in this group… Are they listening to Lala because she’s white? Sometimes I do think that.” – Jasmine [33:30]
[36:37 – 39:17]
[41:16 – 43:49]
[43:49 – 48:46]
Notable Quote:
"You took out a loan behind her back and are now making her pay half of it back." – Ben [43:49]
“There also needs to be a meal train judge… ‘A tuna sandwich is not a meal train food. No one wants that.’ Or to be able to taste it and give tips. Like, this was—rate it! Maybe a meal train rating system.”
– Ronnie [09:27]
"I'm getting rid of [the old titties]... I’m getting my own boobies!"
– (As Britney) [19:06]
"Are they listening to Lala because she’s white? Sometimes I do think that."
– Jasmine [33:30]
"I just want to be Abby again, and I don't see a window to push you out of. I just don't.”
– Michelle on divorcing Jesse [48:01]
"Is this blackmail now? Get the [bleep] away from my table. What else can I give you – my jacket?"
– Ronnie/Ben on surprise mariachi bands [42:07]
Ben and Ronnie bring their trademark irreverence, mixing sharp social commentary with Bravo-lebrity absurdity, and flipping between parody, empathy, and unfiltered honesty. Their banter transforms even mundane subjects (meal trains, crab boils) into laugh-out-loud segments, while still spotlighting real emotional resonance—especially around support, friendship, and identity within the group.
Perfect for Bravo fans and anyone who loves a masterclass in comedic recap, this episode offers both high-energy humor and incisive emotional insight.