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Watch what happens. Watch what crap. Who cares what happens when there's so much crapping? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hello and welcome to Watch what Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today all cozy in a nice comfy chairs, Mr. Ronnie Caram. Hi Ronnie.
B
Well, hello. How's it going?
C
It's going just fabulously. I'm excited to talk about the Valley today and it's the it's we're coming to towards the end of our work week. It's been such a crazy fun time over the here in New York and I really, I do have to look back and say thank you to really everyone at ACAST who has helped us along, the tons of producers who have been recording these shows for us as well as everyone who came to our cabarets last week. Thank you so so so much. It really has been a big fun time. So what? What a blast. And thanks also to the various podcasts who had us on as guests over the past week and a half. We was Mentioned it all. I don't think I actually mentioned this, so I will mention it all. I was on Mention it All with Dylan Haer earlier this week that came out two days ago. We were on Sauce on the side with Baby Hot Sauce Gandhi that came out. I don't know if if it's already come out yet or not. And also John Hill and then you recorded with Sarah G. And so thanks everyone who had us on Girls. Yes. So anyway, thanks everyone. Appreciate it. We'll be Back to more normaly next week. But today don't forget to check out the our our Patreon. If you want to watch us on video, patreon.com watch crappins. Ronnie does a fabulous newsletter that's like a recap of Bravo. It's called Read what Crappens. That's free for everyone. You don't even have to be a Patreon member. I just want to point that out. Like you can literally just get it and all our other stuff. Bonus episode. We talked about Love island this week on the bonus episode. I know a lot of people are watching Love Island. It's all everyone was talking about in new hear what we have to say from the first week. It's on our Patreon feed. So with that all being said, let us now move to the cheeriest place in all of America. The Valley.
B
The Val. Here we go. Season 3, Episode 11 Friendships shaken not Stirred.
C
Well, the episode opens up with a line that you would expect the the Valley to open up with. I bought you spaghetti. So it is Janet arriving.
B
Janet, this is why you were left off the meal train. Now listen, we were talking about meal trains because Brittany is getting a mommy makeover meal train. All the friend Neo is going to organize it. Everybody's going to bring Brittany a meal. We had a whole discussion about meal trains, how there needs to be a meal train judge saying you cannot bring this food. It's too shitty. Listen, someone just had surgery. You're bringing spaghetti. Come on. And I should have. I should have known Janet was gonna bring spaghetti in a bag, in a
C
bake, in a big. And it's probably just some cheap generic store brand tomato sauce.
B
I would have respected way more if you'd brought her a casserole because that's your thing. You're a cast. You're a midwestern casserole queen. Bring her the casserole.
C
I actually am a little shocked that she did not make a casserole. But also this is Brittany. She's like, whoa, that's fancy. You brought me spaghetti. Wow. I feel like I'm right transport Venice.
B
What am I in France? He brought me some goody.
C
Wow. Put me on a gondola and send me down a canal. I'm transported to Italy.
B
She's like, yeah, I brought you spaghetti. I don't have a cute container to put it in. So this is what we're down to. It's a bag. And so Lala's with her and like, oh my God, Britney, you look so, so God. Yeah, you can't really tell much right now, but it's going to look good. I'm going to look real good when I'm done.
C
Yeah. And they're like, oh, wow. And you know, your drains look almost clear. Yeah, they're almost clear. They're going to get clear. I. Look here. My balls. Here, the balls. I mean, the amount of times she points out her little drain balls. Hi, everyone. My drain balls are here. They're blow. That one's got a little chunk in it. Wait a second. That's me. Be cheese. Yeah, I.
B
You know what? Your show is hard enough to watch this season without having to watch your drainage balls. I know.
C
Put them at all times.
B
You know, sometimes it's okay to hide some things from the camera.
C
Yeah, Seriously. Hi. How's Jason doing? So, you okay? Oh, well, you know, he's been up and down and he's worried about missing stuff and losing all his muscles, you know, stupid boy stuff like that, you know? Oh, God, he's not gonna lose his muscles. She's like, I know, right? Stupid.
B
So they're talking about Brandon and how he was only here one night and a half. And Brittany's like, well, he keeps changing the day he's supposed to be coming tonight and staying till Monday. And then whenever he was here, it was like, I can't till Friday. And we find out that she's upset because she's been paying him to take off work and do this. Have you read this guy's tweets or whatever he's putting out there?
C
No, I haven't. I think you told me about them.
B
Yeah. He's tweeting like, wow, would you guys be mad at a woman for taking money from a guy? Because that seems to be okay with everybody. I mean, she's on a TV show, she makes more money. So if she's going to give me money, I'm going to take it. What am I, an idiot? No, you're a loser, okay? You're a loser and a user and a boozer. Okay?
C
Yeah. And, like, don't try to do a. What about with this situation?
B
You.
C
She gave you the money to come take care of her, and you didn't do that. You didn't hold up, like, your end of the bargain. Trophy wives know that when they're given money, like, there's things that they. They uphold on their end as well.
B
Yeah. You want to do what you're being paid for. I mean, Jesus Christ. Not even showing up. Like, he's taking the money and then still going to work she. So why is she paying you?
C
Yeah, exactly. So she says. There are very few times in life where I say, we have to make something about me. But if I'm coming out of major surgery where I cannot even go to the bathroom by myself, then, yeah, it should be about me. And you're my boyfriend, and you can't take care of me for three days.
B
You need to get over here and stare at these drainage balls with me. What am I doing? This little force. Give the money to someone, like, who's actually qualified to be there. That guy won't even help you when he's there. He's like, yeah, you could have Zuli help you, or whatever he was saying last week.
C
Yeah, she's garbage. So now we go.
B
I. I thought this relationship would last a little bit longer than that.
C
A little bit.
B
Brittany loves a guy like this.
C
I thought it was gonna go through the season.
B
Loser. I mean, I thought it would at least be two years, but I was
C
very impressed over the course this episode that she kicked him to the curb. I was like, okay. She is learning. She, like, her timelines are shrinking, which is good.
B
I mean, she kicked him to a curb holding a bag of money, but, you know.
C
Yeah.
B
Still.
C
Yeah. So Jesse. We go over to Lacy and Jesse, and they're at the farmer's market by the grove. And, I mean, Lacy really does amuse me because she really is such a great cloud. But in a funny way, like, she has. She's always had, like, over oversized sunglasses. She's, like, rigid. She's looking around this farmer's market like, ew, They've got counters of food. It's disgusting. Oh, no. A donut. What a child.
B
I'm here on purpose. She's like, I'm so stimulated. There's so much food. Do you know what I need a pickle. She goes, ew. No, I want to hold their baby. Because she sees Luke and Kristen coming with a baby. And Jesse's like, she wants to hold the baby? She's like, no, only your baby.
C
Well, because she says, I want a baby. And he's like, whoa, you want to have a baby? No, I just want to hold a baby. So then it's me. We're here at the farmer's market. So then she. Kristen, it turns out, has a good relationship with the pickle man who serves pickles at the farmer's market. So the producer asks her, why does she love pickles so much? Because why doesn't everyone love pickles so much? Like, what did pickles do to Other people. What's wrong with that? And I guess the Lacy saying, I hate pickles, they just gross me out. I don't care if it's a pickle handpicked by God, I don't like pickles.
B
Yeah. We learned a lot about Kristen today. Big pickle fan, guys. All the Kristen stands out there now, you know?
C
Yep.
B
Huge pickle fans. A big deal.
C
Huge.
B
So also a Lacy fan. She's like, I could rattle off on my, like, hands, like, how many things? I think Lacy's great out. Okay. Like, I her hate for pickles makes me question our friendship. I love pickles.
C
How did we not know this about Kristen before? So then we cut back to Brittany and she's like, and by the way, I haven't heard from Danny or Nia since the surgery. And Janet's like, but they're leaving public comments, right? Yeah, public comments on my Instagram post. But neither one of them has reached out to me, which is funny since Nia started a meal train, but she hasn't actually reached out to say, how are you doing? Yeah.
B
Or yeah, or do the meal train. She didn't do the meal train either. We find out later.
C
Yeah, the meal trap. People of the world, it's a meal train. Yeah. Come on.
B
Janet's like, well, I would think so. I mean, it seems like she's trying to do a lot of things to look like she's being a good friend. But, like, why not actually be a good friend by stopping by or calling or making something as fancy as spaghetti.
C
I dented my forehead three times making the spaghetti on my low hanging hood over my stove. So Lala goes, well, because if we've learned anything skill, it's not about real life. It's about the look of things.
B
And Brittany's like, well, I tried to point that out in Santa Barbara last year. Need to not go over wells get like, ridiculous. And I like that they kept showing these clips because they're really, in my opinion, I don't know that we agree on this, but I think they're really trying to rewrite this whole Santa Barbara thing. I mean, that guy was drunk. He went to bed. I obviously, I've said it before, I approve of people removing themselves from situations when they're acting like an idiot. So I didn't mind that. And Brittany was mad that she's going through everything on camera, but they can't talk about Danny being a drunk. Which I get her point. Like, that's more clear now for sure. But I also feel like Jax was Such a druggie and a loser. Like, that guy was really aggressively being terrible. And everybody's life doesn't have to be ruined the same way just because Jax is terrible. I felt like it was a weird. It was a weird comparison then to make. It was a weird comparison for her to make then, and I think it's still a little weird. I mean, Jax is on a whole other level. Yeah, well, Jax is, like, cutting to Britney's crazy face. Like, I talk about everything. I talk about everything. We can't talk about your husband having an app.
C
Well, I think, yeah, Jax is bottom of the barrel, but I think, again, I think it's really just that, like, Jax is drunkard, druggy, all that stuff, but he does it in, like, he does it more or less at the same pace as everyone else at over the course of the social engagement. Whereas Danny. Danny, like, it's like, why you're. We didn't even make it to dinner. You already passed out because you came in, you drank so hard so quickly, and then you passed, got yourself passed out. Like, what is wrong with you? Like, be an adult. And it's like. It's like. Well, no, no, he's just. He needs a nap. It's like, like, I get it, I get it. It's like, okay, like, why don't you. Like, you're. You're, like, older. Like, you should know how to drink at the pace of everyone else in the group. I'm sorry.
B
Oh, no. He's like a 13 year old, you know?
C
Yeah, I'm in Wat.
B
Like, this guy, he's embarrassing.
C
Get it together. Seriously. I'm like, still so mad that he passed out.
B
Yeah, he's. He's, you know, he's a loser as well. I just. I just. That thing in Santa Barbara was Britney wanting everybody to be just as angry at this guy for going to sleep after drinking too much as they were with Jax, who was like an abusive drunk cokehead ruining her life every day. And I think it was just a little projecting. But that sounds like I'm standing up for Danny, and I don't ever want to be in that place because I hate the guy.
C
Yeah.
B
Yeah. Awkward. Awkward place to be. Welcome to a Valley. Welcome to the episode. Welcome to the nuances Terrible.
C
The many nuances of the Valley.
B
We're saying anything positive about one person means you're all or saying anything negative about one person means you're automatically standing up for another person. A terrible person.
C
Yeah. It's not zero sum. It's zero. Dumb Jesse back At the Pickles. Jesse's like, so I had dinner with Tom and Danny the other day, and then we get. We got onto the Danny conversation. It's like I'm drawing a line in the sand in front of me. Yeah. Unless it costs anything, in which case we'll just pretend the line's there.
B
I'm hiring someone to draw a line in the sand, and then I'm gonna make Michelle pay for it for the rest of her life.
C
It's gonna cost $300,000. Here's the line. It's with Danny and his, like, people want to talk about drinking, let's talk about my drinking. You know what I mean? Let's stop talking about Danny's. Kristen's like, yeah, let's. About anyone's. Other than Lala, of course.
B
All right, for the 900th time this season, it's not about his drinking. It's about his abusive, shitty behavior while he's drinking and then using the drinking as an excuse to get out of the behavior. You know, Danny wants to be like, oh, why is it always about my drinking? Well, if it's not, then why are you always using your drinking as an excuse to get out of your bad behavior? Because that's what you do every time. Well, I'm sorry. I had a little drink.
C
Yeah, I was a bit drunk. You know, the alcohol got the best of me.
B
Gonna do a boom, boom, boom.
C
So Lacy's like, I'm sick of everyone attacking Danny. Who was like, the best communicator, the best parent. I mean, the way he sends off a cease and desist. I can only dream that mine looked that good. And Jesse's like. He's like, yeah, I mean, you haven't seen Dark side Danny come out. But. And. And it is a character for sure. She goes, I understand that, but I've seen Dark side everyone. I' Dark side Britney. I'm so nice to Britney, and I'm not talking about her. At Yamashiro last year. So we have this. They show this footage again when Michelle and Brittany yelled at her, which I wish they would show more than, like, that one second of footage. Can we, like, see the full clip? And Lacey's like, at Yamashiro, Britney and Michelle, the way they screamed at me was just so unwarranted and mean girl. Like, if we're gonna talk, who has the worst behavior drunk? Those two screaming the F word in my face is much worse than Danny being annoying and belligerent. I'm like, but you're their enemy. He was being Belligerent to his wife.
B
That's true. Yeah. I don't think there's any standing up for Danny in this. But also, I don't think they were her enemies. Well, Michelle was, but Britney coming and screaming in this girl's face isn't cool either. And we've seen, like, Britney acting like a drunk fool for years. They're right about that. But again, it's not about Danny's drinking. It's about Danny being abusive to his wife.
C
I feel like. Have we seen Brittany being, like, belligerent, though?
B
Yes. My gosh.
C
I'm just trying to remember. I don't remember. I don't remember her being. I'm trying. I've seen her getting. We've seen her get emotional or cry.
B
I mean, mostly it's against Jax, but Jax always deserves it, so we're always on her side when she's done it, I think for the most part. But, yeah, I thought. I thought she acted like an ass in Santa Barbara because she looked drunk and coked out of her mind. And they show her looking crazy here doing it as well. So, I mean, I don't know.
C
They really should show more footage from this fight. That's.
B
I think, the point that they all act like drunk idiots, because this is a Vanderpump rule spin off is an accurate one. They all do kind of act like drunk idiots, but that's not the point.
C
Yeah, it's not that they drink.
B
Just making me crazy that they keep making it that. So Jesse's like, yeah, I'll tell you one thing. I mean, Jack saying last year that he was coming after them. You can't tell me that Brittany wasn't on board with that. Now Brittany wanted to come after them too. And I watched her reaction to how you guys and Chris, like, yeah, that was like a Jack solo project to me. I think. I don't think that was Britney. And he's like, yeah, but Britney's yelling at Nia, saying, look at what I'm going through. And you won't share and you won't even say your husband's upstairs drunk. And he's like, all right, well, yeah, and now he's making this all Britney. Like, Britney is just as Jax.
C
Yeah, of course, because of. Jesse's a Jack's loyalist. So Luke is like, you can't be with someone for 10 years without picking up something about them. You know, I think that everything that happened in Santa Barbara was just Britney being in her feelings about Jax and deflecting. Because, honestly, I just think that Britney finds Danny to be annoying, and I think Janet is the bug in Britney's ear. And I also understand why Jesse might think it's Jax, but I don't. So this is Janet's fault, everyone.
B
Yes, but why can't Janet be terrible and Jax be terrible? Britney is her own terrible. She's her own form of terrible. Like, just come after Britney for. She did. Brittany didn't do any of this with Danny. Danny is literally the one who did all this stuff on camera two weeks ago. Why are we acting like this is Britney's fault? This is weird. It's bizarre behavior. So now we go to Zach and Jasmine going to short stories.
C
Zach cracked me up in this scene because he was giving a different exaggerated emotional response every three seconds. He's like a moment he was, like, smiling, then he was, like, frowning, then crying, then laughing. It was like, I'm like, I'm gonna take a little. I'm gonna make a little video of, like, a super cut of all of his different emotions in the span of 30 seconds in the stupid bar.
B
Yeah. He starts as, like, gay best friend. Like, oh, my God. Is there something you want to tell me?
C
She's like, I don't know. Maybe we need shots. And I've just been really stressed out. I've been getting all these quotes from vendors. Vendors. Vendors sell things. Sell things. Like refrigerators. Refrigerators made me think of, like, the monster fridge and, oh, my God, the monster fridge. Oh, my God.
B
I'm like, not over at all. I'm gonna have to start selling feet pics at this point. This is ridiculous. He's like, oh, my God, you have beautiful feet. I mean, I wouldn't buy them, but, like, yeah, they're great.
C
Please don't let this be the setup for Jasmine taking photos of her feet for a fake only fans storyline. Like, we had on Beta Pump rules that one time. Like, please, please, please.
B
Yeah, it didn't work there.
C
Yeah. So Jasmine says she's talking about how, like, the Jersey wedding's out of control and Melissa's related to, like, the whole state, and, you know, they need their. Their parents are helping them out with this. So she says. So I have a toast. I love you so much. You know that? You're my best friend, and I need you by my side, and I would love it if you would be part of me and Melissa's wedding. He's like, oh, my God, am I the maid of honor? She's like, no, no, I'm not doing that. I've just been so stressed I basically just need you to be the gay person that I throw a whole bunch of things at, and then you have to do them.
B
Yeah. He's like, I accept. I've never been a maid of honor. It's like, a lot of responsibility. I don't want to do that anyway.
C
Yeah. So basically, Jasmine is under pressure and, you know, it's like, oh, my God, they've been here for 10 years. They go to north, they go to the Carolinas, whatever. She's just. It's like wedding stress.
B
So. And then. Your turn. He's like, oh, my God, have you read the news? Like, it's terrible. They're deporting everybody. And, like, I was like, I have to marry Benji now in order for this to work. Like, what the hell? And so we see news headlines requiring $100,000 payment to accompany any new HB1 visa petitions.
C
Yeah, this is the crazy thing. They, like, raised it from, like, a few thousand to, like, a hundred thousand dollars.
B
Just give Trump a million dollars.
C
Just absurd.
B
Yeah.
C
So basically Zach is saying, isn't that what it is?
B
Like, there's a million dollars. You can buy, like, a golden visa or something. Super.
C
I don't. I don't know about that, but I know this is, like, effects, like, you know, academics, which is like, you know what? You know what's great is when we make sure smart people don't come to this country. It's like, what the hel,
B
Zach?
C
But this is going to, like, affect Benji because he is Canadian. So Zach is like, I mean, how the are you going to be here unless I marry you? And Jasmine, Jasmine says, like, don't let that discourage you. And, you know, like, you know, your relationship is not done. It's not over. You guys love each other.
B
You'll make like, wait, I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Like, the full waving of the hand.
C
Look, it's a little bump in your plant. What was that about a bump? Okay, look. Okay, I'm not going to cry. First, the monster fridge, not Benji.
B
It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.
C
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B
It's called age, Ben. Okay, it's age.
C
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B
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B
shopify.com WWC that's shopify.com WWC so now we get another Zach scene. This time he's meeting Danny at Serendipity. And Danny's like, whoa, how's it going, man? Papow. Hey, Danny. Fun. Danny.
C
Oh my God. Oh, it's good. Good. Like, how are you doing? I can't believe it's your 10 year anniversary.
B
Yeah. He's like, 10 year wedding anniversary, man.
A
Yeah.
C
Shouldn't we be in a diamond store instead? Like, no offense, it's like very cute in here, but like, should be a diamond store.
B
Well, I already got something. I already got something. I said, when are you gonna open your goddamn gift? And I was like, sorry, I was drinking. Sorry, my bad.
C
So they're gonna, they're looking for gifts for Nia. There's a crystal that Danny likes, etc. And you know Danny, there's some hand lotion or they're just lotion in general. And so Danny is like, yeah, job.
B
By the way, lotion called hand job.
C
That's right on. Yeah. Then by the way, this place is like very bougie. It's kind of like anthropology adjacent. But they have this hand job lotion. And Danny is like, yeah, after I get this vasectomy, I'm gonna be using this a lot, you know, gotta do it 35 times 3. 35.
B
Yeah, yeah. So they're gonna. He's gonna do his vasectomy next week. But the problem is Nia is judging Miss USA that week. What am I gonna do without her? I'm going show low. Dolo.
C
Mm. Yeah, I'm a little worried about post vasectomy recovery with having these three kids. I mean, Nia's taking the baby, but she's also taking her mother, my mother in law, who is supposed to be taking care of me. Well, where's your. What's. What's going on? Do you have anyone that you can call in for help? Come on now.
B
Yeah. Wow. You don't have any friends or anybody to call on? That's crazy. I'm shocked. Also, I don't think this is a big recovery.
C
I don't think so either. I think it's like a two day recovery.
B
Dropping the list.
C
Speaking of birthdays, by the way, I've seen. I've been saying that like we should all do a trip or something. Like, because Tom, me, you, Jason, we all have birthdays within five days of each other. And like, as much as I don't want to share my birthday with someone, I feel like it'd be really fun if we do went to, like, I don't know, Mexico or something like that, you know. Yeah.
B
Excuse for a trip. So time to go on a trip. He's like, well, you're gonna invite Janet because you're best friends with Janet now, obviously. He's like, oh, that's cute, Danny. That's really cute. But, like, actually, I think that, like, Janet is realizing she doesn't want to be that person she was actually being, and now she just wants to be a person who, like, brings people spaghetti.
C
Yeah, well, it's gonna take a lot of time. A whole lot of precious time. A whole lot of have patience and time to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it right. And I'm fine with her being there, but she's just, you know. You know, she's kind of, like, out of. Shot out of mind. Should, like, look. Should we look around for more. More gifts? I don't want to talk about Jack anymore. Is there gonna be food at this 007 party that Tom's throwing, by the way?
B
He's like, oh, my God, if it's Schwartz, it's gonna be pizza or Postmates. I think it's gonna be more of an alcoholic party. I mean, that's no worry for you because you don't drink, right? Like, you didn't drink at my house, right?
C
No, of course.
B
No, no. Sure didn't.
C
I do feel bad for this cast. It's gonna be two weeks in a row. Going to janky, janky frat boy party, basically, is like Zach's empty, monster fridgeless living room and now Schwartz's town home.
B
I know. I thought this show was supposed to be about people, like, moving and growing up.
C
Just moving.
B
Nah, Just keep the same shitty locales, you know? So Lala goes to Tom's townhouse for a wacky Lala and Tom scene. God, the chemistry is crazy. Those two should get together.
C
I know. Amazing how we started Tom scene. And I immediately, without even any sort of, like, trying to make a joke, I just started to yawn. So she comes over and she's checking out the place. And he's like, oh, yeah, it looks a little fratty here. I'm way behind. He goes, I ordered like 500 worth of decorations, you know, for 007. I was like, should I grill? Should I cater? What should I do? I'm scared. I'm a little boy.
B
She's like, I'm the wrong person to ask because I don't like doing things I'M an outsourcers, so whatever. So he's watched Casino Real Royale recently, so he, you know, I want to have a James Bond style party. You know, I just. I just wish I had a little James Bond in me. Maybe I could be like James Bond if he were a little boy.
C
Yeah, I think the polar opposite of James Bond is Tom Schwartz. I will say that much. Lala. Then Lala's pointing at the fact that Jax is, like, right next door. Like, he's on the other end of, like, the little. The little fence that's there. And she's like, eos. I don't want to look at that. And Tom says, I know this party's gonna be a little uncomfortable with Brittany, being that I literally shared, you know, a wall with Jax. But, like, she's never been over here, and he's out of town, and I want her just to come and not be triggered by the proximity. Just be in the moment, have some fun at my James Bond party. Oh.
B
So Lala sees a note from Kiana, who's a model, you guys. I don't know if you've heard. The note has, like, sunglasses down to its nose.
C
It's like, love.
B
Yeah, Kiana. And she's like, oh, my God, we're saying love you to each other. Like, like, what the. Oh, my God, Tom, I'm losing you.
C
It's adorable. Okay, I am, like, really into Tom and Kiana. Like, what do the kids say? I'm shipping that. Like, do they still say that? Like, I don't know. I'm, like, into it because she's hot and I'm only into, like, hot people. You know? It's like, by the way, I had dinner with Danny and Jesse, and we. We ate in the Valley. It's. It's by the bar formerly known as Jax's old spot.
B
Why would you eat at that place? Wasn't that place gross enough before it was even Jax's spot? Rocco.
C
No, they ate by the bar, but they didn't eat.
B
Who does that? Who goes to Rocco's on purpose?
C
Wow. Look at you guys building bars and then making them go out of business.
B
He's like, oh, my God, you're right. Y' all was nice. But then Jesse was like, you know, we know Danny's not an alcoholic. And, you know, you don't have a drinking problem, Danny. And the fact that you're hiding your drinking, that makes it much worse. Yeah, it makes it much more like an alcoholic. What non alcoholic hides their drinking from everybody and sneaks around that's crazy, Lala.
C
Lala says, the moment you're hiding alcohol, it's a problem. He goes, oh, for sure. But now you got to add some nuance to it. Because if everyone knows me, I'm a man known for nuance. So he and Nia are traumatized from whatever happened last year. And I think that they had a conversation like, listen, if you're gonna drink, just be very subtle about it, you know, inconspicuous. Don't be fragrant with your drinking.
B
Don't be fragrant. Fragrant. I don't want to smell your non drinking
C
gin and tonics only.
B
She's like, oh, wait, so wait, you're fine with, like, being drinking and being inappropriate? You're just saying to hide it better. And he's like, well, he said he left that shit behind him. And he's come a long way. He's a different person now.
C
She's like, from. Since San Diego. I was like, what the fuck is happening on this show? I'm so excited to join this show. And these people are all disasters.
B
Oh, yeah. It's like, here I am all these years later, and here's Tom Schwartz enabling another terrible man. Shocker.
C
Yeah.
B
So he's like, you know, the last thing I said to Danny was, danny, you can drink as much as you want in my party.
C
I was like. She's like, great. Good job, Tom. So now it's a commercial break, and when we come back, Lala and Janet are at Britney's. That's before the party. They're gonna, like, help her get ready. And they're asking, like, what does she need and everything. And Brittany's saying that she, you know, she can't lift more than 15 pounds. And she has a lot of anxiety about going to this party because it's right next to Jax's place. And just even, like. Like seeing it makes her feel a certain sort of way because she's only seen it on videos, but she's never actually been to it.
B
Yeah. And so Lala's like, wow, even Jason's coming to this. Like, everyone's rallying so hard for this party. Like, you guys. Schwartz is fully in love with his girlfriend. By the way, there's notes on his fridge from her that say, like, I love you.
C
Well, Brandon left me a couple of notes and said, I love you around my house. But, like, I don't believe any of that. Which, by the way, this is. I have to. I have to. I. I'm really enjoying Jaded Britney. I feel like it's taken us many years. But like, Brandon seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. She is just so over Brandon. And I'm like, oh, yeah, Britney, enter. Like, I want to see the transition from Britney being like Sonny, Miss Kentucky Muffin to just like those man and all the things that they do. I'm sick of cleaning up after them because that's gonna be fun.
B
So Janet's like, what happened with Brandon? Because all I know is you texted me last night to unfollow him, which I did. Brittany is so that's so a high school thing. Like, okay, everybody, group text, unfollow Brandon. Okay? Like, who cares who even thinks that? So she's like, well, we got into it the other day and then we're both like, I don't think we can do this anymore because. And then I got a DM from his ex wife. And you're dming with his ex wife too. What the hell? And she's like, well, she told me her daughter, who's 4, told her that she hung out at another. That he hung out in another. Oh, no. That she hung out at another girl's ass. And that Brandon had already been FaceTiming with another girl.
C
Janet's like, what? Yeah, and I just was like losing it. I just like, honestly, this is too much. And he asked me for money many times. And Lala's like, did he really? It's like, yeah. I was like, oh my God. Why did you not tell us this? Because I didn't want to embarrass him. Look at this man. He's a sweet man for Bassa Robles. I don't want to embarrass the this guy. I know. I gave him money a couple times.
A
Yeah.
C
And he took off two weekends to come help me. And then he asked me to give him money since he was taking off work to come help me. And then I was like, sure, since you're coming to help me. I don't want to take what your kids. I don't want your kids to suffer. You know what I'm saying? Like, whatever. Stuff like that, like, doesn't really bother me
B
to suffer.
C
I believe the children are the future. Feed them beer cheese and let them prosper.
B
And Lala's like, yeah, there's no question in my mind that she has a lot of work to do before she moves on to somebody new because, like, her self esteem. Esteem, you know, she's gonna just attract the wrong kind of dudes, you know, like, we're watching it happen. In real time.
C
Yeah. So Janet's like, you should never have given a man money. And Ls like, yeah, Britney, you're not going to give a man money. It's never going to happen again. Ridiculous. By the way, I have to take my Range Rover to the shop that I got a few years ago. So Britney's like, it don't sucks that all this is happening while I'm in the middle of recovering from all a really hard surgery.
B
Oh God. I mean, it's true, but why are you counting on Brandon? Get rid of this man and get a nurse. You're nuts.
C
She did. Well, that's. I'm glad she did. She fired him.
B
Yeah, she did. So gotta give credit where credit is.
C
Yeah, exactly.
B
So Tom is still setting up his 007 party and his brother Bert's there and he's like, wow, look at you, Bert. You look so dark and mysterious. He's like, yeah, I like it.
C
Bert does not look dark and mysterious. I'd like to point out like a
B
little boy is like, I really do, don't I? He's wearing like a little hat with a propeller on top.
C
There's also nothing about this space that looks like a 007 party. It's just a generic town home. I mean, it's like, like Pepsi cans
B
around, just starring double zero.
C
Like it's just sad. I mean, how are you? Like you owned a bar and you couldn't even put together a bar program for this. What's happening?
B
Oh, that's true.
C
I mean, say what you will about Sandoval drink list.
B
All you have to do is call Jordan, you know, Logan or somebody.
C
Come on, get someone up there in ducks. I mean, say what you will about Sandoval, but Sandoval would have made it look like a 007 movie in there for sure. Well, you know, he would have. Well, he would have been annoying. But it's like, dude, we're gonna walk in. It's like we're walking through the barrel of the gun that shoots James Bond. And then when you get up to six, the second floor, it's like, oh my God, I feel like I'm in the Octopussy itself. Okay. And then like up here, it's like there's like a hat and that you have to watch out for the hat when it gets thrown at you because it's gonna chop your head off. And then Jaws is up here on this floor and you're like, okay, bro, just like set up a martini station.
B
So people start arriving. Jasmine comes. Zach Comes. He's like, what is this, a therapist's office? You literally have white noise machines at the bottom of the stairs.
C
That's so the dogs bark less at the neighbors. You mean Jax? And so they get to the top, and Benji has brought, like, a little stuffed. Like a little plushie that he's treating as a cat. Yeah, it's like stroking it like a cat, you know, which is cute. And then Michelle and Lala arrive with Jason and Janet. So Jason has to take his crutches up the stairs, and he's like, hey, guys, I'm here. I'm only here for a minute because as soon as, like, we get to a capacity of seven people, I have to leave right away, otherwise my leg may fall off.
B
So then Jesse comes. He and Lacey arrive at the party, and he's like, hey, listen, if we're gonna do a James Bond theme that starts from the ground up. Aston Martin martini, shaken, not stirred. Tuxedo. Well, glad you have a rich girlfriend to provide all that, because you'd be wearing a bike and some old Navy pants otherwise.
C
The fact that you're making Michelle Lolly pay for half the loan that you took out privately, but you're showing up with a rented Aston Martin Martin is so despicable. And Lacy's like, if I was throwing a double oh, seven party, I would have hired ballet. I think that's important. I would have. I like this. That's like, the first priority is ballet. James Bond always has, you know, in,
B
like, a little neighborhood in the Valley.
C
Yeah, like Woodman Avenue or something.
B
Yes.
C
Like, just like, I would. I would have some type of men in seats greeting at the door with champagne Fair. Obviously champagne, not Prosecco or sparkling. I would have a bartender making drinks.
B
Fair.
C
Vesper martini, if it's a Bond theme because it's on brand. I don't drink Vesper martinis, though. But I would have had some sort of tray pass and with some food and hors d'.
A
Oeuvres.
C
He did great. He did his best. You know what? She's honestly not wrong. Like, all of her notes. I don't know if the valet was necessary, but all the other notes, like, she's. She's honestly 100 correct. There should have been champagne. There should have been martinis. Vesper martinis shows, like, deep cut awareness of the brand. And, you know, I think we have to listen to Lacy more with these theme parties because Tom Schwartz is a little bit lost at sea here.
B
So Michelle sees Jesse in his text, and she's like, I Wonder if that is his wedding. Doug's. It probably is, Nicker. I am also wearing something from our wedding. I had my wedding ring adorned into a necklace. I wonder if he will notice.
C
Well, I was like, well, I'm not gonna see anything. Jesse usually notices everything, but this necklace is for me. I actually prefer if Jesse doesn't even notice yet. What's, you know, ever?
B
Which is why you're wearing it to a party with Jesse there.
C
Like, yeah.
B
Prominently featured. Exact. And Lala's like, well, I can tell you she sent me a picture of this. And I was like, do not put it on and send me a picture I want to see in persons. And Jen's like, oh, my God. Does he know you're wearing your wedding ring around your neck yet? And so they're, you know, oohing and awing over that. And that is a big gem.
C
It is a big gem. So then Zach is saying how he's excited for Mexico, or he's basically saying, guys, we're gonna do a little getaway to Mexico, and the main event is gonna be my birthday. But, like, I will allow other men to have their birthdays, too. So, like, Mexico trip. And they're all excited for that. And now Nia and Danny arrive, and Danny's like, well, I think you said you were gonna make me a special mar martini, right, Tom? He's like, yeah, filthy one.
B
Say hello first. My God. For someone who's trying to make their whole storyline about people worrying about his drinking the first thing, he's like, hi, everybody. You're gonna make me a special drink, right?
C
It's supposed to be three times the size of normal, right? But I'm drinking in half the time. Okay? Get ready for me. I'm ready. Daddy's ready.
B
All right, everybody. Well, I don't want him to feel ashamed if he has a cocktail, okay? Because he's been incestigated and he's ashamed. So let the man just have a drink.
C
Who tore his balls off? What? You said he got castigated. That's a different word, Kristen. Oh, sorry.
B
I love pickles. So Lalo's like, oh, my God, Schwartz. We just had a conversation about this. I think Schwartz, he definitely is an apologist for bad behavior, especially with his dude friends. We've been watching it for years.
C
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B
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C
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A
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C
Now we see Jan is talking to Lacy and asking about gambling and Lacy's like, I'm a professional gambler. Roulette mainly the, the, the one game that requires the most skill. Roulette. Jesse and I have, I was gonna
B
say, is there such a thing as a professional roulette player?
C
I'm a professional picking a number player. And Jesse and I've been to Vegas many times and I'll go rogue and he'll find me with a whole table cheering and when I lose I just like walk away but. Because sometimes you do lose, but not me. But I walk away when you force me to go to bed. I don't know what I'm talking about. Please, someone end the scene for me.
B
Yeah, Lacey's storytelling is a little wonky for sure. So Britney comes.
C
It's like, oh, my God.
B
So I suck an exact copy of Jackson Isles. And she's wearing one of those sweatshirts that has a tuxedo printed on the front. She's like, picking up the stairs, like, oh, God.
C
Takes her four minutes. No one's there to help her. I feel like Tom should really love me because not only am I fresh out of surgery and I'm in a lot of pain, but I'm coming to this house for the first time ever in one year, knowing that Jax lives right next door and he should know that I'm a really great friend to him.
B
So they're like, wow, Britney, look at you walking around. And Jesse's like, oh, oh, guess what I just noticed. Someone's wearing their ring around their neck. She turned it into a necklace. Well, I wanted to do a trust for Isabella's college, and here she is wearing it out in the valley. Oh, yeah, Jesse, you who took out a 300 million dollar loan and saddled your wife and child with that money.
C
Yeah. Don't, don't, don't do that. Don't do that. So now Britney, Michelle, they. Brittany and Michelle go to talk with Janet and Tom and Lala. So Tom is like, oh, my God, Brent, this is great to see you. You made up the stairs? Oh, my God. She made up two flights of stairs. Wow. It's crazy. Oh, my God, look at me. I got lipstick on my teeth. I can never do my makeup, you know? Oh, hey, does anyone want to see my bus ax? Here's my trainer, Sacks. Here they are,
B
everybody. This is the only time, second time I've even left my house, you know? I love you, Tom. Okay, so then Zach's like, wait a minute, where's Ja? Because he's on the patio upstairs. And he's like, I want to go poo poo and pee pee over there. I'm going to throw a Molotov cocktail.
C
And Jesse's like, well, there's. There's a lot more going over there than Schwartz has over here. So then Britney is still talking to Zach.
B
Nia, I have to say this because this was funny. Nia sees Benji, who's like petting the little animal things, saying, what is that? He goes, well, I needed something, you know, because it's like Mr. Bigglesworth, but I didn't have a cat. Okay, but you had A lamb. Nia doesn't get it at all. She's just like, oh, wow, that is so funny. Nia, you have never seen Bond, have you?
C
She has. She hasn't even seen Austin Powers because she has no idea. I mean, it's also funny that Benji, like, can't find like, a. A stuffed cat. And so it's just like, has a lamb upside down and just buried the lamb head in his arm is just like, petting its butts. Like, well, it looks furry. People just don't have to look closely. They'll see there's no face. So anyway, Zach is like, what's going on with Brendan? And she's where I was already thinking about the longest. It wasn't gonna work. And then we didn't talk for like a couple days because we got an argument. And his accent, he's already been talking to someone. So I called him my three or four. Four times, and we had not talked to, oh other than, like, Texan. And then we had a big fight and then finally answered and I was like, what the is going on? So we started fighting and then I was like, this ain't gonna work. I'm doing goodbye. I don't believe you. You're not the person I thought you were. And that's it.
B
Then he asked me for some money, so I saved the $5.
C
I am.
B
And Janet goes, zach, give it. Give it like an hour before you say, I told you so. And he goes, I would never. And then it got still going. Told you so. Told you so. Told you so then. Told you so now. Told you so again. Told you, told you. Told you guys.
C
Thank you for coming. I love you guys. You all look ravishing. Like, thanks.
B
Brittany's like, wait a minute.
C
Those are.
B
Look at Jackson's balcony. Those are my hooter stools over there. Wait a minute. Those are my old implants. How did he even get those? This ain't fire.
C
Can you believe, like, it's crazy that Jax has her hooters stools?
B
Oh, he's such a pig. Even not being here, he can be such a pig. Like, be prominently displaying her hard earned hooter stools.
C
Guys, a trad wife would like to speak. I'm sorry that I totally failed at the meal train. Kristen sent me money and I'm sending food out tomorrow. But other than that, I think it failed, but the intention was there. Like, well, I'm glad that. Glad that Britney will be finally getting a meal a week later when she's now mobile and can get her own Food. Thank you very much, Nia, for this.
B
This is pretty bad.
C
Just say that. Meal Train.
B
You were the one who started the meal train. You were the one who made a big deal out of the meal Train. And then you were the one who fucked up the whole meal train. Didn't even do it. Yeah, lose her behavior.
C
No, the Meal Train, it's not that it got fucked up, it's just that it started in Santa Clarita and still just has not arrived at the Valley yet. Just taking a little. Give it a few more days.
B
So meanwhile, on the other side of the couch, Michelle's like, janet, maybe it will be good if you say hello to her. And she's like, oh God, well, I mean, how can I change the mood, you know? And Lala's like, I'm just gonna say it. Can I say something? Yes. I find it weird that you didn't put Janet in a group chat about the Meal train for Britney's what's up.
C
Well, that was a group chat. That was around before we even went to Brittany's house and it was probably a week or two before, so we were chatting in that before and like, I'm sorry I didn't message you specifically or add you to it, but we aren't friends.
B
Yeah, but she's friends with Britney.
C
Yeah, but anyone could have sent it to her. Like, why is this any being made to be my fault and I'm the bad guy? It's really simple. You were in the group, you weren't like, you weren't in the group chat. We're not friends. I'm not going to add you in and go out of my way like, like, what's so crazy about this?
B
I think she's so wrong, Mia.
C
100% wrong.
B
Here I am standing up for Janet again. This was not cool. You're doing charity for somebody else. This isn't the time to bring in your petty bullshit, Nia. And I actually said what Jasmine says later as I was like, nice, there's your Christian. There's that like Bible beating, like overly. And I'm not saying all Christians. I'm just saying like these performative types who are like, I'm such a good person, I'm gonna have a meal train. I'm gonna do this. And then you're the one who acts like, like a petty little. It's a charity. Put somebody else on the thing. And then to not even do the meal train.
C
Like, also you announced it in front of Janet. You know, like, I just think it's. It's just one of those things. It's a meal train.
B
Like, yeah, she announced it. Like, we're all gonna come together as friends of Britney's. Right, guys?
C
Yes, Nia, you have Janet's text, like, number. You add her on. It's like, it's. It's really, really petty to, like, not include her. And. And if she didn't want to do it, she could have said, someone, can you just send this to Janet? Because I just don't even want to have contact with her or whatever. But, like, this was just. It just was like, it's so stupid, but it's also so shitty. Like, it was just. We've seen Nia go above and beyond in so many situations to be, like, helpful and be considerate or whatever. But, like, yeah, I just think this is. This is a. A failure.
B
Yeah. It just sucks because, you know, I like Nia for the most part, and I feel kind of bad for her and her relationship, but, like, you're pushing me. Me, you know? Yeah, you're pushing me at this point. Like, you're. You're the one acting like you're above it all, and you're like the so moral and so kind and so this and so be that, you know, walk the walk lady. So she's like, well, I don't know why you expect a lot from me. And Janet's like, I don't, but I just expect if you're making a meal train for Brittany, that you would include me. She's like, well, I'm sorry. I didn't think to include you. If anybody spent 10 minutes in my house, you would understand. I'm barely surviving. And Jenna's like, like, well, you had time to comment on Instagram about it.
C
Well, where's your husband helping? You barely survive, you know? And so then up then. Jasmine is talking to Danny.
B
By the way, the four levels of this apartment are so hilarious because they have to keep walking upstairs. You've got Britney, who can't walk. You've got Jason who can't walk. And then Tom, every five minutes is like, let's go to the next level.
C
I know.
B
All right, let's go down again. Like, oh, God, please stop torturing me.
C
So Jasmine's talking to Danny, and she's like, why aren't you upstairs? He's like, oh, it's just about her and Janet. And I was like, I'm walking away because I can't get very involved in this, and I don't want to right now. Nia was very clear with her I didn't add you for a reason. We're not friends. Jasmine's like, yeah, but Britney's getting surgery. Maybe she should have added hers, you know, like. And Tom's like, yeah, for a greater cause. Yeah, I think, like, she should have added her for that. So now we go back and Lala's like, I've seen your Instagram. You're in a glam chair. And I think, like, those are moments that you could have, like, reached out to her and been like, my heart goes out with you. Like, like, I understand you're very busy, but, like, if you're in a glam chair, you can add someone's phone number to the meal train website.
B
Okay, now the argument is getting a little muddy. Well, because those websites, you have time to go into a club chair, so you have to. You have time to add someone to a meal.
C
Well, the thing is this. That's because Nia was the ones like, you don't understand my life. My life is so difficult. If you spend one moment with me, I've got babies. She's like, you were in a glam chair. That's her way of being like, yeah, yeah, that's not. We understand you have babies, but also you were in a glam chair.
B
Yeah, it's like, but I am in a clam chair, but I'm also nursing a baby and I have kids crawling all over me. And my se goes, yeah, that. I feel like that's her job, you guys, to be in a glam chair with babies on her. We focus on that.
C
Yeah, okay, never mind. So then Jasmine is like, I mean, we just thought it was more like, this is Brittany having surgery and like, everybody's involved in this thing. Like, we didn't know it was like this, you know, thing. And Kirsten's like, oh, she's not paralyzed. You got a mommy makeover. Oh, it's Jasmine's like, well, if it's not. If it's not that big of a deal, why is it that you're the one who actually the only one who's making food for Brittany, by the way.
B
Yeah, exactly. Kristen just wants to go so hard for her team that she's not going to be a sneeze. She's not going to be. She's not going to be reliable on any of this. So Jasmine's like, I'm just saying, like, if you're question people like you say you are, you need to add that person. The group chat. And Danny's like, are you kidding me? Nope, nope. She said, what she said. And I agree the wrong with you. They love it when you pull that shit. Like, that's a very Christian behavior.
C
How dare you? What? Why are you saying that's good Christian people? What? Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Jasmine's like, because that's what Christians do. You do the right thing. He's like, jazz, man. She's like, am I wrong? He's like, you are 100 wrong. Christians do not do the good thing.
B
There. You accuse Christians of doing the right thing. Turn the other cheek. Unless the other cheek is smacked by a. Then you get her back and cut her off a meal train.
C
Duh. So then Nia's like. She's like, well, well, Brittany, you're right. I messaged on Instagram, but I didn't message in person. So to you, I am sorry that I didn't show up how I want to. And I will work on being better because I do care about you deeply, but not deeply enough to add one more person who could have brought you a meal so you wouldn't have to get out of bed and undo all your sutures.
B
Okay, so at least Nia gave, like, a decent apology, right? So then Kristen comes tearing up the stairs like pickle, pickles. Hey. All right, Sorry. I just heard what's happening. Nia tried to go above and beyond. It's like, well, I didn't show up the way I wanted to with the messaging and reaching out. Brittany's like, we just had a good conversation. What are you so mad about, Kristen?
C
Because leaving John out of it makes sense. Because, like, why would Nia text China? Am I right? And Lala's like, because it wasn't about her. It's about Britney. She's like, well, you know what, though? You could have texted Janet. You could have texted Janet. Janet. Any of you that are friends with Janet could have texted Janet.
B
They're like, calm down. What is. Because Chris is like, oh, how dare you? Kristen's like, really going at it. Like, what is wrong with you? Calm down. We just said, I'm tired of people going after Neil. I'm tired of it. Calm down, babe. Up here's freaking out.
C
Listen, if someone came after the people that you guys loved, you'd have their fucking back, too. And Prince's like, nobody's gagging up or anything. No. So you know. So do you know why I came up here? Do you understand? And now you've explained it to me. And now she's explained to me. And now I understand.
B
So she's like, yeah, you explained it and you explained it, and now I understand. Okay? I understand now.
C
I'm not mad. You are. Yeah.
B
Everybody wants a pit bull until the pit bull's not on their side. But then any one of my friends who needs me to back them up, they're like, get him, Kristen. Sick him. And then the second it doesn't appease them, they're mad about it.
C
Yeah, that's how it works.
B
Pit bulls work. Pit bulls are cute. Until they bite you. And then you're like, wow, I didn't like that pitbull anymore. You know why? Bit me.
C
Just in general, things that could be weaponized, we like them. When they're on your side, you don't like them against you. That's just how it goes.
B
Welcome to Logic.
C
It's like. It's like bazookas. People always love bazookas, but the moment someone fires one at your head, suddenly, oh, they don't like bazookas anymore.
B
It's fine when it's gum. So Nia's. Oh, sorry. So Michelle's like, I think that people just get triggered when they hear the word Janet. And Janet's like, you know what? I just feel like I should go if everybody's triggered by me. Oh, God, Janet.
C
Look, she even triggered. It's true. Even Janet got triggered by her own name.
B
Janet, you're finally in a situation where we could root for you keeping this up. She's like, I'll find and I'll leave. After all. So triggered, you don't call your mother on Christmas Eve. Really? I guess I'll just leave. I'm not wanted here anymore.
C
And so Neil's like, I feel like when it comes to Chad and I, like, like we all, like, you know, like, we can actually get to a point where we are civil and polite, but we're never gonna get anywhere if she keeps running away. I'm like, but you do the same thing, Nia. Let's not forget that. I mean, honestly, everyone on reality TV does this. It's like a classic move. So Janet gets. Starts to get. She. She moves to some other floor. Like, honestly, my. My spatial awareness of this town home is all messed up because I can never tell what floor or what room they are. Sometimes they're outside or inside, I can't tell.
B
And they're all like five square feet. So she goes to. She goes down saying, tom, this was lovely and wonderful. Your place is amazing. Unfortunately, I have been victimized, so I'm going to find a cross to crawl on. Okay, thanks for having Me.
C
And then we see, like, the Terminator vision, and it's like that, like, green screen, and then, like, a. Brackets appear around Janet. So a target acquired. Janet, I found you. I love you, but you're not gonna be the person who always leaves. You're not gonna be the person that everyone's like, there she goes again.
B
Well, Michelle, when I'm up there and everyone's saying, you're not my friend, and people are triggered by Janet. Oh, remove Janet from group chat. Add me. I'm sick of being treated like I'm a lesser than human being. Well, I have had it. Is there a C around here? Because I'm gonna walk into it with my ankles weighted down and you'll never see me again.
C
I was trying to help your situation. Like, people get upset when they hear your name,
B
and it's treating people like there's a hierarchy, and I'm lesser than.
C
So you should say that. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. You think it'll fall on deaf ears? She's like, what's it gonna do? Guys? Hey. Oh, hey, guys. Please treat me with respect. As if. So then Luke is there. Luke, one of the great minds of this season.
B
Oh, God, yeah. Who we really need to hear from right now. Luke.
C
He's trying to. Trying to fish in the sink. And he's like, I don't see a hierarchy. I see it as if I'm still being hurt from what happened last year. And she's like, well, I'm hurt too. Both sides are hurt. He's like, but what did they do to you? She's like, post about my marriage, post about my husband, Post pictures of me with my. My face without. Like, a snake. Like, I was my face on a snake.
B
Tom's like, well, but I talked to Danny in the hallway, and just so you know, he's like, she's never apologized to us. She's like, oh, well, okay. Well, I'm sorry I hurt Nia, but I'm not really sorry that I talked specifically about what he did and looks like, oh, yeah, well, if you're not gonna go to Danny after making legal allegations about something you didn't witness. Oh, God.
C
Jen's like, well, I mean, what he did was. Was bad. He's like, but you didn't witness it. And little Jasmine continues to be the victim in this whole thing. And she's like, she is the victim. But you haven't talked to Danny. And you said awful things about Danny. Awful. And I said what? I said I'M sorry that what he did was so bad.
B
Yeah, she's like, I said what he did. He's like, you didn't witness it. It didn't happen. If. If you didn't see it. It's like, what? Luke, shut up. Just go away, Luke. And he's like, you didn't see it. And do you think there's a world in your head where you have this vision of things? And she's like, did you see what Charles Manson did to know that he's a psychopath?
C
Yeah, I loved that. That shut Luke right up. He was like, oh, it was just like that. What I loved about it is that Janet. Janet's been on, like, good behavior all season. And she's like, no, I. No, this is how I feel. And then, like, she just snapped her head cocked, and she looked at Luke and her eyes became evil, and she just said that line, and I just let out the biggest peel of laughter.
B
That's very Janet. That's for sure. And he's like, you're calling Danny a psychopath? She's calling him like, it's worse than that.
C
A psychopath who killed many people but also had an appeal. He's not just a psychopath. People enjoyed him. He had followers.
B
He was able to talk a lot of people in the murder.
C
Yeah.
B
She like, no, I'm not calling him a psychopath. I'm just saying, do you have. You have to see every single action for somebody to realize. Do I have to use Stasi lines for anybody to understand where I'm coming from? I will continue to wrap off better cast members of this show if it makes a point. Point.
C
So now Luke is like, it's all hearsay. The vision you have in your head is all hearsay. She's like, oh, it's hearsay now. She's like, it's wild that you're the most hurt in this situation that you weren't even at. It's wild. I'm like, you're the one who's acting the most butthurt.
B
And none of this has anything to do with you. You're up here crying. What are you crying about? You're not even in this fight.
C
Yeah. If you don't want her to. To have something to say about it, you also shouldn't, like, be bothering saying something either, because you weren't part of it. So Janet's like, I don't have to see something with my own eyes to know that it's true and to know that it happened. And Danny's admitted That this happened. And so it's really difficult to be around a man like that.
B
Yeah. So then Jesse comes into the kitchen and Luke comes back and Jesse's like, are, are you leaving? I got to move my Aston. And Lala goes, did he just say, I've got to move my Aston. What the fuck? And Michelle goes, yeah, of course he would say that. And Lala goes, sorry, gotta move my gmc. I'll be back. Back.
C
Guys, guys, he was in character. He was being James Bond. Don't you understand? Guys, it was great.
B
James Bond would never have to move his own Aston. Come on.
C
That's right. He also would park in a way that he would just really not be in anyone's way. And also if there was a valet. Oh, God, Lacey, she really was right.
B
I know. I don't feel like James Bond would be stack parking.
C
No tandem barking with James.
B
So Lala's like, we're talking about justice. He just wants people to think he has some money and lives off this extravagant lifestyle. But come on, I mean, men are not even good for one thing. And I mean, they're only good for one thing. And even that they're not really good at.
C
So then, yeah, because like, sometimes they're not. Like, I could get a vibrator and have done quicker and better. So then Britney people leave, but Jesse and Michelle have a conversation up on the roof. I believe they're just going up in this MC Escher house. And so Jesse's like, so I wanted to ask you a question because we had this conversation at the coffee shop and something has been kind of eating at me a little bit. I asked you why you were crying and you said even though it was your idea of your choice, it's still sad. But then I'm at Zach's house. I'm an earshot away from you saying with Lala that. That you were crying because you were relieved to be out out of this toxic situation. So which one is it? And Michelle's just looking at him like, you fragile hair, dented man. Like, why do I even have to explain the range of my emotions to you? And the fact that you don't understand it is exactly why I got divorced from you.
B
Yeah, you don't have to explain it to him and why he's even demanding next. You're not together. You don't get an explanation of some random thing she said. Weirdo.
C
She's.
B
And she's like, well, I am Abby, it's over. But I am also sad. And it has been died Bags in on me. Okay. I was going through a divorce with my mom passing away. It was doxing. Are you questioning if I'm sad about the divorce? Is that what you are doing?
C
Well, I was questioning that you were vulnerable and authentic in the moment because you didn't have time to think of a better answer. She's like, I don't know why you think I'm performative. What is the truth? The truth is it was a toxic relationship. It was not a good marriage. There's a reason why we're getting divorced. We're not getting divorced because we're madly in love with each other. And you treated me so greatly. And I see the way you treated. Treat Lacy. And you never treat me that way. Hence why I had to leave you. I had to move on. So basically, it's just like.
B
Like. And now she's crying, and he's like, I don't know why you gotta cry. I mean, we're both just trying to figure it out.
C
He's so needy. Like, why did he need to he. Why? Why is it hard to grasp that it could be something that's sad and happy at the same time? Like, has he ever heard of the concept of bittersweet?
B
He just wants a scene, and poor Lacey won't give it to him. You know, Lacey's just like, but I would have, like, caviar and maybe a valet. And they're like, okay, because. But I hate pickles. Okay, Lacy, your audition's over. Okay. So Michelle's like, I do not miss him. I don't want to be with him. It's nothing like that, Dom. Okay, but, you know, we never had that. But when I was married to him, I used to complain, I need to be dodged. I need you to kiss me. I need you to hold my hand. And Tom's like, love me. Give me affection. I get it. Kiss me. Hold my hand. Hurry you right now. No, not you. Like, he never loved me. And he's like, wow, that's the realest shit you've ever said to me. That's so James Bond.
C
Yeah. Jesse la la. Jesse la la. And that's basically how it ends. Poor Michelle Lolly, brought to tears again by this. She's like, can we just have a stupid James Bond party without you making me cry for no reason? Yeah.
B
This show. So that's that.
C
Well, good times. Also, congratulations for destroying the legacy of James Bond. And I'd also like to add, nothing represented that movie here.
B
No. To watch the next James Bond movie less.
C
I myself now need A quantum of solace after having watched this.
B
Wow.
C
Yeah, it was. It's. But anyway, fun times. And we will talk to. There's someone at the door for me. I gotta go answer it.
B
Timing. It's the Shingle man.
C
Bye, everyone.
B
Bye.
C
Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. She answered the call It's Adia Paul. Ain't no thing like Allison King Our
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Watch What Crappens – Episode #3409: "On Her Majesty’s Secret Meal Train Service"
Podcast: Watch What Crappens
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Episode: #3409 — The Valley S3E11 Recap, "Friendships Shaken Not Stirred"
Date: June 11, 2026
This episode recaps and lampoons Season 3, Episode 11 of “The Valley,” Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules spinoff. Ben and Ronnie go deep on the ongoing friendship wars, a botched meal train, fractured relationships, and a disastrous James Bond–themed party. Blending their signature snark with real affection for the messy Bravo cast, the hosts deliver a play-by-play of the episode’s key moments while offering hilarious critiques and Bravo meta-analysis.
Ben and Ronnie maintain a light, sarcastic, and affectionate tone throughout. They roast the cast for their pettiness, denial, and lack of adulting, but always with a Bravo-fan’s sense of humor and deep love for reality TV dysfunction.
This episode of Watch What Crappens delivers all the shade, snark, and genuine Bravo insight a Valley fan could want. It spotlights the fractures, absurdities, and unwritten rules of reality TV friendship, all while celebrating (and skewering) the endless drama. Whether you’re Team Meal Train or just here for the Martini Mishaps, this recap has you covered.
Listen to Watch What Crappens wherever you get your podcasts, and check out Patreon for exclusive bonus content!