#3462 Below Deck Med S11E07 Part One: The Bigger They Come, The Harder They Fall

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens Episode #3462

Episode Title: Below Deck Med S11E07 Part One: The Bigger They Come, The Harder They Fall
Release Date: July 21, 2026
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam

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Main Theme

Ben and Ronnie serve up their signature comedic recap and evisceration of Below Deck Mediterranean Season 11, Episode 7, sharply focusing on the escalating drama surrounding "Splooge-gate"—an incident where crew member Nathan discovers he's unknowingly been sleeping in another crew member's soiled bed sheets for days. The episode also delves into the chaos caused by a petulant primary guest searching for love with the help of a dicey matchmaker, along with plenty of Bravo-adjacent tangents and memorable banter.

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Episode Breakdown

1. Splooge-gate: Nathan’s Disgust and the Crew’s Indifference

[04:06–06:16]

• The podcast kicks off with the primary storyline: Nathan is furious upon finally discovering he’s been sleeping in Luke’s, um, “splooge” for several days. Not only is this a hygiene catastrophe, but everyone knew except Nathan, compounding his humiliation.
  • “It’s not a funny fratty thing. It’s actually, like, gross. It’s a hygienic issue.” – Ben [04:13]
  • “You will be fired if you do it…if you ever come on me again or my property.” – Ben (impersonating Nathan) [05:34]
• Ronnie highlights how Luke’s lack of apology only makes it worse:
  • “It’s also the not apologizing. It’s like, wow, you came all over my bed. Yeah, I was hungover. What? Excuse you?” – Ronnie [05:24]
• The hosts argue that this is more than a practical joke—this is a workplace violation with possible HR consequences.

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2. Introducing Suzanne, Sugar Baby, and the Matchmaker

[06:16–13:00]

• Attention shifts to the new charter: the primary is Suzanne, who brings her tiny dog Sugar Baby and a “matchmaker” named Amy onboard to set her up with suitors.
• Both hosts slam Amy’s matchmaking skills:
  • “This lady sucks at her job. I mean, the women she brought on last year for that douchebag. And then she’s got this douchey woman this year. Hate this woman and her tiny dog pissing all over the place.” – Ronnie [06:54]
  • “Is Amy even a matchmaker, or is she just an actress who Below Deck hired?” – Ben [07:30]
• Suzanne’s dog, Sugar Baby, is a focus of frustration:
  • “She’s like, ‘My dog’s been on many boats.’ Really? Has it pissed all over them?” – Ronnie [07:10]
  • The hosts joke about rescuing Sugar Baby from her terrible owner.

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3. Reality TV Tangents: Aisha Tyler & The Bravo Extended Universe

[09:03–10:29]

• Lighthearted detour as Ben and Ronnie riff on Aisha Tyler’s career and Roger Lodge’s “Blind Date”—linking it all back to the Bravo universe.
  • “Why do we not have…where is Aisha Tyler? Can we bring her back?” – Ben [09:57]
  • “She’s a huge voiceover actor. I think she works, like, a ton.” – Ronnie [10:04]

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4. More Suzanne Demands & Crew Annoyance

[13:30–17:10]

• Suzanne’s entitled behavior ramps up: she asks for cut-up chicken breast for Sugar Baby and expects the crew (mainly Aesha) to cater to the dog’s every whim.
  • “I need you right now. This is—no, you know, you don’t fucking need me. Go to your own job.” – Ronnie [19:52]
• The hosts highlight the absurdity of the dog’s, and Suzanne’s, extensive preference sheets.
  • “The dog has preferences. I know. The dog didn’t type that. Suzanne is going to be terrible. The dog has preferences.” – Ben [20:15]

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5. Matchmaking Mayhem and Suzanne’s Dating History

[21:01–23:06]

• Suzanne boasts about her post-divorce dating spree: “I did 80 dates in four months after the divorce.” The hosts poke fun at the idea that Suzanne is “looking for love” versus “looking for TV time.”
  • “If you went on 80 dates in four months, maybe it’s you.” – Ronnie [21:44]
  • “You need to date with yourself.” – Ben [22:18]
• Ronnie imagines a trail of “pissed off chefs and flustered waiters” in Suzanne’s wake.

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6. Chaos on Deck: The Bachelorettes and Crew Dynamics

[29:34–33:53]

• The suitors for Suzanne arrive. Jen drops a tray of champagne and jokes that it’s "karma for what happened to Nathan’s sheets," while continuing to dodge responsibility for her own role in “splooge-gate.”
  • “Anyone who knew about these sheets and did nothing should definitely be in trouble.” – Ben [30:51]
• The hosts are exasperated by the lack of accountability and how this whole storyline is being handled.
  • “Why is Jen getting off spot free…No one says a thing to Jen.” – Ronnie [30:12]
  • “I think that everyone who is aware that Nathan was sleeping in [the soiled bed]…they all should be in trouble. It’s really, really bad.” – Ben [34:11]

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7. Captain Sandy’s Intervention

[38:47–40:59]

• Nathan finally tells Captain Sandy what happened, careful to protect his privacy.
  • “On night two, Luke went out, you know, to—and he ejaculated on my sheets and never changed them.” – Ben, paraphrasing Nathan [39:23]
• Sandy, ever the calm leader, is taken aback but addresses it seriously:
  • “Never, ever have I had this happen in my yachting career. And never, ever has this even come close to happening to Norma…” – Ben as Sandy [40:09]
  • “There should be ramifications for that behavior.” – Ben as Sandy [40:43]

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8. The Suitors: No Jobs, No Clue

[46:38–50:14]

• Suzanne’s dates are a parade of ne’er-do-wells:
  • Kurt: Claims to use AI for “valuable interactions,” but can’t articulate a real job.
    “Do you have a job? …What does the sentence even mean?” – Ronnie [46:38]
  • Phil: Out of the army for 12 years, but seems to do nothing except “help his mom.” “Do any of these people have jobs?” – Ronnie [48:18]
  • Will/Billy: Offers not much more than skin-deep banter. “Anybody who says they’re single because they’re picky is not single because they’re picky…You’re just an asshole and nobody likes you.” – Ronnie [51:16–51:30]
• The hosts delight in eviscerating each “match” and Amy’s lazy matchmaking.

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9. Lobster Drama: Preference Sheet Insanity

[52:08–54:53]

• As chef Joy preps for dinner, she jokes about Suzanne’s endless demands, specifically her insistence on “cold water lobster only.”
  • “I’ve just never heard somebody specify on a preference sheet before, like, lobster, but only this kind of lobster. All right?” – Ronnie [54:14]
  • “She needs to write a curriculum on how to chill out. How about that?” – Ben [55:04]
• The hosts groan at Suzanne’s onion and garlic prohibitions, suggesting she’s impossible to please.

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Memorable Quotes

• “If you ever come on me again or my property...you will be fired.” – Ben as Nathan [05:34]
• “This lady sucks at her job. She is just terrible... Hate this woman and her tiny dog pissing all over the place.” – Ronnie [06:54]
• “If you went on 80 dates in four months, maybe it’s you.” – Ronnie [21:44]
• “Anyone who knew about these sheets and did nothing should definitely be in trouble.” – Ben [30:51]
• “Never, ever have I had this happen in my yachting career…There should be ramifications for that behavior.” – Ben as Sandy [40:43]
• “Do any of these people have jobs?” – Ronnie [48:18]
• “She needs to write a curriculum on how to chill out.” – Ben [55:04]

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Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Introduction to “Splooge-gate”: [04:06–06:16]
• Suzanne’s Dog & Entitled Demands: [06:16–13:00]
• Aisha Tyler/Roger Lodge Tangent: [09:03–10:29]
• Suzanne’s Dating History Exposed: [21:01–23:06]
• Crew Accountability for the Sheets: [30:12–35:26]
• Nathan Reports Incident to Captain Sandy: [38:47–40:59]
• Dismal Lineup of Bachelors: [46:38–50:14]
• Lobster & Preference Sheet Ridicule: [52:08–54:53]

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Tone & Highlights

Ben and Ronnie maintain their trademark mix of withering sarcasm, deep Bravo knowledge, and affectionate mockery. Their banter is peppered with running jokes about reality TV, entitled guests, and the absurdity of luxury yachting. The episode’s main thread—the ethical disaster and fallout from “Splooge-gate”—remains central, while the secondary storyline (matchmaker mayhem with Suzanne) provides plenty of material for the hosts’ sharp wit and improv.

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For New Listeners

If you enjoy biting Bravo recaps that don’t shy away from lampooning both cast and Bravo production, this episode delivers. While deep familiarity with Below Deck Med enhances the fun, Ben and Ronnie’s comedic chemistry and universal disdain for ridiculous reality TV archetypes make their podcast accessible and deeply entertaining to newcomers.

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End of Part One. For more on this recap, look for the episode titled “Part Two.”

Transcript

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[B]

Hello. Irrepressible. I like that.

[A]

Yeah, Irrepressible. We're here today to talk about below deck, which is always fun and exciting. The, the, the drama of the splooge continues on into its third week. So before we get into that, join us on patre patreon.com watchfulcrapins where you can get access to a weekly newsletter that Ronnie writes and that's free for everyone, not just Patreon users. An ad, free listening and a weekly bonus episode. And we had a really fun bonus episode yesterday. We talked. We just sat and talked. And Ronnie talked about a coyote that is, that's stalking him. Like you have a coyote that is terrorizing you. Are we going to name the, the coyote Colton? I think we should because this thing is making. It's, it's following your every move. Who's Colton? Colton Underwood who put a tracker on.

[B]

Oh, Colton. That Colton stalking me. I was like, what's Colton are you referring to? I'm trying to think. I was thinking Colty from 90 days. He's the colt.

[A]

I couldn't think of a better reality star.

[B]

I call him Face. I just call him Face. I hate this little guy. I. I have a camera. He's literally out there all the time. So I've got all these coyote deterrents on their way. They're on my way to me right now. So I'm going to, you know, I don't have to just stand out there like a crazy person with a chef's knife. People are asking me why I have a chef's knife. Like, no, I'm not going up and trying to stab the coyote, you guys. It's in case the coyote comes to attack me. I don't have anything. What am I going to attack it with? Am I going to just criticize it to death? No.

[A]

Do you have a tennis racket, maybe? Bop it.

[B]

The tennis, right? No, you know, I don't play sports. I don't have anything sporty. All I have is a ball. And he'll just chase that and think that I want it here.

[A]

Get it. Get a tennis racket or something. That way you can, like, bop it, like, authoritatively, but maybe it won't maim it. Although I. I personally. I personally think you need to teach this coyote a lesson.

[B]

Okay, okay, I'll get a tennis racket. Like one of those that you get flies with. It's electrocuted and it's like you'll zap it. Zap.

[A]

Supply a little something extra. A little extra sauce on it. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, PETA, calm down. Nobody's killing the coyote. I just don't want to eating Bueller. For Christ's sake. My poor little senior citizen Bueller is out there limping around. I'm getting a coyote vest. I'm getting little detector things. I have a camera. I mean, it's ridiculous, for Christ's sake.

[A]

It's very scary. But. But anyway, if you like, if you want to see this recap on video, it's also on Patreon. It will come out on YouTube a week later. But get it now while it's fresh. And by the way, follow us on YouTube. Watch a Grappens. A lively YouTube happening there. So let's dive into Below Deck Med Season 11, Episode 7 match me if you can so we open up and Nathan is still pretty peeved at Luke as it has really kind of dawned on him that he's been sleeping in another man's jizz for three, three days in a row. And how that's like, really actually, it's not like funny fratty thing. It's actually like, gross. It's a hygienic issue. Everyone on the crew knew except for Nathan. It's humiliating for him. Also, as someone who's ahead of department, he's just all dawning on him in a way that dawned on the rest of us. And 0.5 seconds, you know, he's a little slow on the uptake. What can I say? But now he's mad, and he's now told Luke that he's mad. And he's like, if you piss me off the slightest amount, you'll be on the passerel with all your bags packed. He's like, yes, sir. And also so disrespectful. Jesus.

[B]

So it's also the not apologizing. It's like, wow, you came all over my bed. Yeah, I was hungover. What? Excuse you?

[A]

Doesn't make any sense.

[B]

Yeah. So he's like, you will be fired if you do it. If you ever come on me again or my property. He's like, yes, sir. So Luke is telling us. He's got so much writing on this. It's not a fucking game for me. And I could lose my job for something like this. I've lost joy, Jen hates me, and now my bosom can't stand the sight of me. Everything on the boat feels like it's just spiraling and spiraling and spiraling and

[A]

pulling and pulling and.

[B]

Oh, it just came. It just came.

[A]

And so Coop is like, if it had been done to me, I would have been PS2. And then they're all like, you know, inside, they're like, oh, my God. I can't believe Nate knows.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, my God. It's crazy. Oh, my God. I can't wait to go back to my pantry. It's crazy because that's Jen in the boat just, like, giggling on the side. So Sandy and Suzanne are in the main salons. So for those who don't remember, Suzanne and her little dog are the primaries. And Suzanne is looking for love. And so she's brought. What's her face, this matchmaker. She's doing basically a rerun of last season where the matchmaker brought that douchey guy. And. And then there were, like, all these girls that came on board that he chose between, like, a little. Little bachelor situation. Now it's being reversed where we have Suzanne looking at a bunch of eligible bachelors.

[B]

This lady sucks at her job. She is just terrible. I mean, the women she brought on last year for that douchebag. And then she's got this douchey woman this year. Hate this Woman and her tiny dog pissing all over the place. Normally, I love a tiny dog, but this dog is just.

[A]

She's like.

[B]

My dog's been on many boats, really has it. Pissed all over them. Fuck you and fuck your dog. Get your. Get your dog off. Off of my multimillion dollar yacht. Pissing everywhere. What's wrong with you? She's horrible. The guys are absolute douchebags. I think this Amy should get a different career. Does anybody find happiness through Amy?

[A]

I don't think so. Is Amy even a matchmaker or is she just an actress who below deck hired for this? Because I agree, I don't. I don't understand the thinking here. If Amy, If Amy believes this is going to promote her matchmaking business, it's. She's doing a terrible, terrible job here. Amy, I. You know, I almost get the sense that Amy, like, this production company probably tried to start a. Like a static sizzle reel about Amy. Probably had to have. Like, she's a matchmaker, but she's unconventional. And it didn't really go anywhere, didn't get picked up, so they just like relocated her onto this boat. That's the vibe I get from her, cuz.

[B]

None.

[A]

None of this really makes sense.

[B]

Yeah. And she just. The guys she brings on.

[A]

I know. Doesn't make any sense, do she?

[B]

And they tell you every answer you want to hear, like, what are your. Well, I guess we'll get into it. But like, what are your hobbies? Pleasing you. It's really all I've ever wanted to please you and your tiny, pissy dog.

[A]

It makes blind date look like a classy affair. So Dr. Lodge. I mean, look, by the way, blind dates to it.

[B]

And one of these dates might work.

[A]

By the way, Roger Lodge is part of the extended Bravo universe. Let's not forget that blind date hosted by Roger Lodge. It connects all the way back to Orange county because Roger Lodge's brother, or I think it was a brother, Steve Lodge, famously former political aspirant and then former almost mayor.

[B]

Wasn't mayor or was mayor or governor, wasn't it. He was sheriff, wasn't he? Or something like that. Was he running for sheriff or mayor? I don't remember.

[A]

I don't know. But he became. He went from Steve Lodge to Steve dislodged. Oh, God. Anyway, so Suzanne, she sucks.

[B]

We're getting them on all fronts today.

[A]

Watch out, everyone. No one's safe. Roger. Oh, you know what? Aisha Tyler will take you on. Yeah, we remember Fifth Wheel. Okay. No, we love Aisha Tyler.

[B]

Yeah, so Matchmaker. She's like the godmother of podcasting.

[A]

She really is, you know, and she

[B]

has, like, the biggest. She was like the Joe Rogan of the beginning podcast era.

[A]

And she was on 24 for one season, which was so.

[B]

She sure was.

[A]

That was.

[B]

And Archer for many seasons. One of the best things about Archer.

[A]

Why. Why do we not have. Where is Aisha Tyler? Can we bring her back? She was great. I feel like she was universally loved, right?

[B]

She works a ton. She's a huge voiceover actor. I think she works, like, a ton. Because I thought that a few years ago, I was like, whatever happened to her? And then I looked her up and I was like, oh, she's in literally everything. Do not.

[A]

I just want the best for her.

[B]

Cry for me, says Aisha Taylor.

[A]

Tyler.

[B]

Tyler.

[A]

She works so hard. She even. She. She grew an A. An extra A in her name.

[B]

Well, luckily for her, I'm an idiot with everybody's name and not just hers. Just five minutes ago, I was like, who's Colton?

[A]

So

[B]

Sandy is telling the matchmaker, oh, these guys are coming soon. It's going to be a fun one. Matchmaker Amy'. Like, oh, she's trusting me. Six blind dates. She shouldn't trust you. Nobody should trust you. And the primary is like, yeah, most women have liked. They have to swipe left or swipe right. I just go from bow to stern.

[A]

I'm so rich.

[B]

I'm so, so, so rich. I'm so rich. I don't even eat onions or garlic because I can.

[A]

So luggage is coming in. Joy is cooking, and Asia is asking about Sugar Baby. Sugar Baby is the name of the dog.

[B]

And.

[A]

And so she's asking, what's going on with Sugar Baby? And Suzanne's like, isha, there's nowhere she can jump off or hide. Right? She'll be safe on this, but she's free to roam. Just tell her not to lick any sticky substances, especially in the crew quarters. Luke,

[B]

why would you be afraid of your dog hiding? Suzanne,

[A]

that was so accusatory. So it's like. It's just like, Sugar Baby can't hide

[B]

on this boat, right? Promise me. Promise me Sugar Baby won't try and hide from me again. I wouldn't. I don't blame Sugar Baby. Look who she's stuck with.

[A]

Were you looking at Aisha Tyler's Criminal Minds cv? Like, if she can do it, I can do it. Hire me, cbs.

[B]

Well, I would love some chicken breast cut up for her. And she has to have her own bed. Okay, where is her bed. Why don't you bring a dog bed? I really do not like this, Suzanne. I feel like I need to go save Sugar Baby, potty train her, give her her own little dog bed, give her a home she doesn't have to hide in. I mean, I guess there's a coyote outside of mine, so she probably would.

[A]

You're like. Where she can be terrorized every single day. She gets to put on a special little vest with spikes on it and hope she survives the. The vicious bite of a coyote.

[B]

Well, okay, good point us.

[A]

So, no, I still think Sugar Baby would be better off with you. I think you would care for Sugar Baby in a way. Like, I don't think you would spoil Sugar Baby, but you would care for Sugar Baby.

[B]

No. You know what Bueller gets for food? Dog food.

[A]

Dry dog food.

[B]

That's what he gets. I mean, he does have his own bed, and he gets a lot of love. I don't see little Sugar Baby getting a lot of love. I see Sugar Baby wandering around this boat looking terrified and peeing. That's all I see.

[A]

You know what I saw yesterday? I saw a guy walking with his dog up the sidewalk, and then the dog, like, walked by one of the bird scooters and started to lift up its leg, and I was like, oh, gosh.

[B]

And the dog.

[A]

And the dog peed on the bird scooter. And the owner, like, smiled. The owner was, like, laughing, like, yeah. I was like, that's so obnoxious. I'm sorry. That's terrible. People use that thing. And your dog. You let your dog willingly pee on it as some sort of act of rebellion.

[B]

You know, I was. I'm just start. I'm smiling at that because I really didn't know where you were going to go with that, because you also hate bird scooters, so, I mean, they.

[A]

I find them to be annoying. As someone who was run over by one, famously, as I walked out of a door once, I do find them to be annoying, but I also, shockingly, I'm very pro bird scooter because I do actually believe that they serve as a public transportation, and I think that's really good. So I don't like the way people drive them, but I like that they are there. And I think it's, like, really obnoxious to pee on them. I don't think that's, like, a very nice thing to do.

[B]

Yeah, it's not.

[A]

Especially if I'm gonna get. And by the way, if I'm gonna get crashed into by a bird, Scooter. I would rather that bird scooter not have dog urine on it because then I'm getting the worst of all worlds, which is that I'm not getting the benefits of the bird scooter. And if anything, I'm getting the pee of the bird scooter on me. So, yeah, don't pee on bird scooters

[B]

and don't let wants to be run over by things that have not been peed on. Okay? Have some respect for his outfit.

[A]

I want to be run over by a woman who is over 50 who is in a rush to do something very wealthy. Like, I have to. I have to see my estate manager. We're looking. We're picking out. We're picking out rugs. I would like that. Not some gen zer who's just going to get a Hailey Bieber smoothie burning on a sidewalk.

[B]

No, I'm not saying pee covered.

[A]

Let's be covered. I'm not saying that that's what this woman was doing. I'm just that who ran me over. But I'm just saying.

[B]

But you wouldn't.

[A]

I want to be part of a fabulous story. I wish I had come up with a better example than a wealthy woman meeting up with her estate manager to get up.

[B]

You want to be. You want to be run over by a real housewife? You don't want to be run over by a next gen NYC person.

[A]

Or it could be someone. Yes, that is correct. Or it could be someone withering. Like, I would love to be run over by 1994 Linda Fiorentino who would look at me and be like, get up. And then she just drag on her cigarette and motor away.

[B]

You know that I like Madeline Stowe from Revenge that to you. And then she'll just, she'll stop or she'll, she'll be smoking, you know, and she'll like just kind of look you up and down and just keep.

[A]

She would say, you deserve that. And I stand up and say, I deserve nothing. I deserve nothing. What I deserve is a good mother. And then she would slap me and say, I've been the best mother I've ever been to you.

[B]

And then as she turns off, she'll be like, and why am I on a goddamn bird? A Madeline Stone? Does nobody respect my wonky eye?

[A]

And then as she moves off, she'll say, I'll see you at the party tonight. That is, if you can find a suitable outfit. Just drive off.

[B]

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's Commercial.

[A]

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[B]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I got my rug in my office from Wayfair. I got my curtains from Wayfair, I got a couple of chairs. I got all my outdoor furniture from Wayfair. I love that place because it's also great to order things and have it put together. You know, you can have, you have the option with Wayfair that they just come, they deliver it, they put it together in the room that you want and boom, you're done. You're not messing around with the little, you know, tools and all of that stuff. So it's much. I am, baby.

[A]

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[A]

She's like, oh, well, I just have

[B]

to do a couple of things for the primaries and we'll be back in two and two. All right. She's like, nope, it can't be that long. Okay, I need to go upstairs and we need to go over a game plan. We need to go over a game plan with you. Go over the game plan. This is your job.

[A]

This is what? Like, what do you. Like, what sort of game plan do you need? You're bringing a bunch of dumb people on to talk to a dumb person, and then they're going to sit around in dumb places. It's. It's all settled for you.

[B]

First part of this game plan. Find less douchey men to bring on to some lady. I mean, geez. So Amy is terrible. And check. No, I need you. Quicker. Quicker. Aisha.

[A]

God, Amy needs to control every little thing, for Christ's sake. Yeah, well, it is kind of funny complaining about that while being on a boat run by Captain Sandy, but still, either way, Amy is annoying because she. She has, like, that corporate passive aggression in her, which is really unpleasant to be around.

[B]

She has the rich person bossing around poor people thing. Like, I need you right now. This is. No, you know, you don't fucking need me. Go to your own job, okay? I've got my own job to do, and I don't work for you. I mean, I do technically work for you on this boat, but you're not the. That lady's the primary. She just told me to do something, and now you're trying to get me to do something else.

[A]

No, Amy, no. No, we're not. We're not going to do that. So. So Asia then sees. She sees the dog. She's like, oh, sugar baby, I've got your food. So. So they are now trying to pivot into getting this boat ready for Amy and all these people. And Joy's in the galley talking to herself about food that she's preparing, and she's like, I'm a very nervous. I'm very nervous about this charter. Suzanne, the primary has two full pages of preference sheets. The dog has preferences. I know. The dog didn't type that. Suzanne is going to be terrible. The dog has preferences.

[B]

Like, the dog can't type. The dog has no place here to be telling me his preferences. So then we go to H. Amy, Suzanne, discussing the dating strategy. Suzanne's just looking for love, guys. No, you're not. You're looking for someone who's just going to tell you what you want to hear and because the guy she ends up liking is the biggest douchebag on the thing. So I don't believe you. You're looking for TV time, which you is not abnormal on a reality show. But I don't believe you. Suzanne. So Suzanne says that she did 80 dates in four months after the divorce. Okay. If you went on 80 dates in four months, maybe it's you. That's a lot of dates.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. It's actually too many. It's too many dates because you're not focusing. You know, it's just. You're just. It's not. You're not going to get any traction off. That's like. If it's too much, it's too much. Suzanne, 80 days and four months. How does that. So that's. That's. You've spent three. The four months is going to be about 120 days. And so you spent two thirds of those days going on dates. You need to date with yourself.

[B]

Also, think about all the restaurants that have been pissed off, because 80 dates, you know, most dates are in a restaurant, right? It's like dinner or lunch or something like that. And she has come in and been a pain in the ass at every single restaurant that she's gone to. So just think about the trail of pissed off chefs she has left behind her. And flustered waiters, you know, or fired people, because, you know, there have been people fired from her being like, this is not good enough. I taste maybe. Is it. Was there an onion near this? Was this prepared on the same surface as an onion?

[A]

Yeah. She has terrorized every hospitality service in her general region, and that's why she's now on a yacht, because there's nowhere left for her to go.

[B]

Yeah. So she's like, you know, physical for me, isn't the top. It's about the connection in the heart, which is why we see so many different physical types on here. Just kidding.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So Asia's like, sorry, Suzanne, but I'm very glad I'm not in the dating pool anymore. You know, life. And my head is so busy at the moment with all my wedding stuff. At this stage, we've got a venue lockdown. We've got the food locked down. I've got my dress, and we've got a DJ who plays the saxophone and his brother plays the trombone. It's gonna be the best wedding you've ever been to that takes place in a van.

[B]

I'm sorry, is that a plus? A DJ who plays the saxophone and he has like, what do you. What are you playing? That then whips out a saxophone and then his brother starts playing a trombone. Like, how does that work?

[A]

Well, I can tell you as someone who just went to a wedding where this happened in Memphis, my cousin Liza had a wedding and she had a dj, but the DJ was also part of a band. And what would happen was the DJ would play the music and the band would play along. And at various times the DJ would also. I don't remember if the DJ was also playing a little horn. I think she was, but she. Or she did some. Whatever it was, I have to tell you, it was magnificent because you get like. You get, like, the fun of a dj, but you get the energy of a live band. And I'll tell you, it is a. It is an alchemy like none other. It was. It was so good.

[B]

Okay. A live band. I think that's. That's great. A trombone. I mean, look, what are you playing?

[A]

Like, just a trombone. Like, to see you do la bamboo with that. One.

[B]

Of the music's going on, I guess. I guess it makes sense. Like, singers sing to track, so, you

[A]

know, maybe why not play a trombone?

[B]

Wedding with the trombone. Wedding with the trombone in every track. That could work. You know, I mean, I work with the trombone. My dad played the trombone, and so I know many people would play the trombone.

[A]

Some of my best friends are trombones. By the way, if you are just listening for the first time because you heard us mentioned last night on the Quiz with Balls, welcome. This is the sort of content you can expect.

[B]

The question was, okay, which one of these ridiculous names are. Are actually podcasts? And it's like, fart in the wind, watch what crappens, poop on your mom's face.

[A]

You know, but still, we'll take it. We'll take it. No, that was great. It was so cool that we got that mention on a. On a game show. I mean, so I, I've. I. You know, our friend Ira Madison, he was once the answer to a clue and the New York Times crossword. And I forget there was someone else who was like a clue on Jeopardy. And I like that our lane is the quiz with balls or just the quiz with balls.

[B]

Yeah, I'm into it.

[A]

You know, like, let. Let everyone else get the prestige puzzles.

[B]

Basically, how it works is I'd never

[A]

seen this or anything.

[B]

I just saw the clip. But how it works is it's like teams and they kind of line up in front of their number and there's a big ball behind them. And the people, whenever they answer, the ball comes sliding down a hill. And if they answered it right, the ball doesn't hit them. But if they answer it wrong, the ball, like, knocks them into a pit of fire or some shit. And then you never hear, like, they're dead. It's just like a giant ball crushes. So, you know, it was good. It was good that they got it right. We didn't have to watch somebody die.

[A]

Well, I liked what they were choosing. It was there. It was like a family of hippies. And the whole idea was that they were like, I guess maybe they don't understand podcasts or something. And so they're choosing. They're like, okay, well, I'll be drama queens. And what about what. What. Watch what happens. And then someone goes and stands in the watch of crappings area because, like, I guess this is a podcast. And then the woman who's standing in the water crapping space, they show her, and she's, like, holding her face, like, oh, my God, I'm about to get knocked into the water. This is crazy. This can't possibly, possibly be A podcast is my favorite. I love it.

[B]

It's like my mom's reaction for the first, you know, 10 years that we did this. It's like, please tell me this isn't happening. She felt like she was being crushed by a giant ball and thrown into a pit of fire. But, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Things just worked out great. So Asia is now with. She's still talking to Suzanne and Amy, and she's like, well, maybe we can meet up here. We can have drinks and things. And then maybe Amy could, like, facilit taking you off one by one. Wow, that's great. Here's. Here's the two places you can meet here or five feet from here. Okay, Is my planning done? Can I get this dog as chicken breast?

[A]

Here's how we accelerate it. Why don't we put these guys on the quiz with balls? And then Suzanne could just ask them questions. What are your. What do you get a girl on, like, their first anniversary? And then just. There's like. There's four options. Two are not real options, and the guys who choose the two that are wrong, they just get sent into the pool by a giant ball, and we can just speed this whole thing up. Just had a bunch of balls down that hillside and get it all taken.

[B]

Here's what I want to see. I want to see a ball crash into Suzanne and Amy right now and throw them both into the water. And then I want to see the boat drive away.

[A]

Just. Just knock them over.

[B]

Just. Just knock them in. That's it. Below deck balls. They can just. That's their new spin off. Just get terrible people and then have them crushed by giant balls as they fall into the water. That's it. Keep the dog, potty train the dog and get rid of the people. So Suzanne's like, yeah, I really want to find love again. I'm going to give this 110%. Wow.

[A]

Yeah. So then here come the guys and they're arriving and. And then one guy is like. He's like, wow, we are gladiators, boys. We're walking into battle. So then as the guys approach, Jen brings out a tray of champagne flutes and is welcomed into the special sorority of of stews that knock over an entire tray of champagne flutes. They all go down one by one and clatter and shake and whatever. So she's once again proving that she would make an excellent second stew if given the opportunity.

[B]

Yeah. So Jen's like, oh, wow, it's gonna be so hard doing this charter with, you know, all this love after everything that just happened to Luke. But hopefully that if, if Suzanne hooks up with one of these guys, she cleans the sheet after. Yeah, maybe you should have fucking done that too. And listen, I think Luke should be. He should have been fired five minutes after this happened, first of all. But why is Jen getting off spot free, no pun intended, with this whole thing? Why is she not getting. No one says a thing to Jen. Like, it's totally fine for Jen to go sleep in someone's bed and give them a hand job on it. Why is that? Jen should also be fired.

[A]

I think anyone who knew about these sheets and did nothing should, should, should definitely be in trouble. Just for the. Like, like, it's. That there's like a person sleeping in this unhygienic situation. Like it's unhygienic. And as I mentioned last week, like, it's, it's more than unhygienic. Like it, it's, it's. It could definitely be an HR thing. Like 100%. Like, that's a, that's a sexually transmitted fluid. Not transmitted sexually emergent fluid and that have.

[B]

Not transmitting.

[A]

It's a second.

[B]

It's actually conducive.

[A]

I came from sexy times. It's a sexy time fluid.

[B]

And it's calm, it's splooge, it's spunk, it's gunk. Okay.

[A]

But also, like in a workplace that's like literally ground. Like if, if you were to leave splooge on someone's chair, just dried splooge. Like it's not only hygiene issues.

[B]

I'm giving wedding with the trombone dj.

[A]

Trombone H. But what if it, what if. Split. It's junk and strong, doing like a sixth line yeah, so, but if hr. What if, like, Maria from HR was also like, hey, so one thing that we receive from being an HR is that people don't feel comfortable telling us about what's going on. So in an effort to make this a more welcoming environment, I will also play trombone while you tell me what's wrong. Okay, so you found some splooge on the bed.

[B]

Oh, sorry. That was the saxophone. That was my. That was my. My brother. Oh, my God. I just came. All right, Luke, this is an HR meeting with the trombone at a saxophone. Okay?

[A]

But she said, when the saints come marching in and I'm a saint. I just came.

[B]

Yeah. I think that anybody who knew should have been in trouble, but the two people who actually did it should also be fired. You know, and I think it's really weird how they skirt around it in this episode that Jen was even involved because she's, like, laughing about it with everybody, thinking. Thinking it's hilarious. Making jokes to us about it. And then when what's His Buns goes to finally tell Captain Sandy about it, he doesn't even mention that there was anybody else. He just says, luke, Luke ejaculated on my bed. Which, listen, it was creepy enough as it sounded, but the way that he's wording it makes it sound like Luke just went to his bed and was like, haha. And splooged all over it for fun. I don't. I don't know. It's more. I need everybody going down for this. No pun intended. Again.

[A]

But I think that, by the way, I think that's what happened with Luke. I think he splooged for fun on the. You didn't splooge for educational purposes.

[B]

Yeah, but it's different when somebody is there making you climax than it is. It's like a hundred times creepier thinking a guy just went into your bed and splooged all over it.

[A]

Like he, like, for whatever reason, jerked off. Well, here's. Here's what I think. I. I think that Luke should have been fired really immediately. I think Jen is. Not necessarily. I don't think she deserves to be fired. I think she should be put on probation because I think as a stew, and as a stew who is part of this, like, she bears some responsibility for stripping that bed and just like, throwing it in there or following up or checking on it, but I think ultimately it's on him. And that's why, like, she should be reprimanded because it's like you knew. You knew what was going on. Not only did you know you let it happen, you let. And. And you, like, you have the skill set to fix it, and you didn't use it, and you didn't take the initiative that you could have used. But I think that everyone who is aware that Nathan was sleeping in that. Which actually also extends to our favorite, whose name I don't even remember. But you know that. That the goofy one makes sense to her too. Like, they all should be in trouble. That's like, it's really, really up. Like, that's bad. Like, it's bad. Hygienically. It's bad. Like sexual harassmenty. Honestly, I think it's. I think it's a. It's a huge.

[B]

Huge. Like, it's a huge load to carry too, you know? Which is maybe what they were thinking, but. Yeah. So then we go to the Bachelors, and they're making small talk, and Amy comes out. She's like, hi, guys. Let's all come in for a huddle, okay? You're gonna get some one on time with her. Then we're. Listen, remember, we are not competing with each other, okay? We're just trying to win this lady that really no one is in competition for. Think of her as a. Think of her as a part of the dinner that no one wants to eat, but you're gonna take home in case your roommate wants it. It. Okay, great. We all see Page.

[A]

She is the oatmeal raisin cookie that's left on the display. Okay? It's not your first choice. It may not even be your third choice, but sometimes you got a sweet tooth. Any port in a storm. Okay, Suzanne, here she is.

[B]

So we go to Kaylee and Jen. And Jen's like, oh, I know why I keep dropping things. It's probably karma for what happened to Nathan sheets. And Kaylee's like, wait, like, you with Nathan sheets? I don't get it. She goes, yeah, well, we in this. We didn't like, in his bed, but we. So good. It was so good. She's like, naughty girl. Wait, so there was actually sperm on the sheets? I'm just like, yeah.

[A]

And. And then Asia's like. And Nathan slept in it for, like, three nights. And Kaylee's like, like, I'm actually. It's a loss of words. Is. Is Nathan actually, like, mad? And Jen's like, yeah. She's, like, so proud. Like, oh, but you were part of it too.

[B]

That's what's killing me. This whole episode, she's just, like, laughing and telling everyone, like, he's not funny. No, it's not funny.

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

So then Nathan and Sandy are on the bridge and you know Nathan's show or Sandy's showing him the route they're going to take. And she's like, we're going to go past here, past Lockram. Okay? Lockram. Do not forget. He's like, duck team. I can't get it off my mind. She like ducks. Dick. Dick. The dick team. I can't seem. I'm just so mad. She's like, what is it? Listen, I'm a person who can read feelings. And when someone says they're upset, I say, whoa, that person might be upset. I have a feeling that you're upset. All right, tell me, why are you upset?

[A]

He's like, oh, come on. It's not like you slept in some splooge or something like that. He's like, well, actually, funny you should mention that. On night two, Luke. Luke went out, you know, to. And he ejaculated on my sheets and never changed them. And I slept on them throughout the charter.

[B]

See, that's the thing. He says, Luke went on to my bunk. He ejaculated on my sheets. And never changed them. Why? Isn't the first question. What? Why would he be a Jack? Why would he be ejaculating on your bunk? Why was he on your bunk? What? I just have more questions, but Sandy's just like, oh. Oh, no. God, I wish I had never heard that. Jeez.

[A]

No, Sandy had. I feel like a very. Like, her reaction was like, everyone else went, oh, my God. No. I wish I'd never heard that. No, it was just like, I like Luke. But that's crossed the line. I mean, there should be ramifications for that behavior. She's, like, the first one to actually say this on the show. And Sandy's like, never, ever have I had this happen in my yachting career. And never, ever has this even come close to happening to Norma just in real life in, like, a good 20 years.

[B]

I'll tell you one person who's never had their sheets. Come on, Norma. Never.

[A]

So Sandy's like, so everyone on the boat knows that's not okay. I'm really sorry. I'm gonna. I'm gonna handle this.

[B]

Gosh, I remember a day when people would spray them on sheets and just let it. You know, no one. No one would know about it. Now the village knows. That's crazy. So I'm gonna handle this. When you work together and you live together in such close quarters, you have to be respectful of your shared living space. And that's just. That's just part of the STCW class that we take. Look that one up. Sex the city.

[A]

What? Sex in the city. So two can. So. So. So to sink, two can. Wance.

[B]

That's this Costco West.

[A]

So Toucans can wine.

[B]

That was stcc. W. That was a different class, but those two cans were very good teachers.

[A]

So trombones can wail.

[B]

The review. Every review left on Nisha's wedding. So Nathan's like, well, you know. I mean, I guess he's good to have on the boat and all, but I don't know. And she's like, I've got to do something. Not something sexy. Tell you that much around here.

[A]

I need absolute zero drama in my life. It's gotten to me. I'm sorry. Luke is saying that. Saying that. Not Nathan. Luke. Oh, God, I can't. This is what these guys do. Luke who. Who causes drama everywhere he goes because he's not accountable for his actions. And he wants everything. And he tries to eat his cake and have it too, or have his cake and eat it too, either way. And then he's. Then he's the first one to be like, I just need zero drama. Because everyone reacts to his selfish behavior and he doesn't want to deal with their reactions. So he's. Now what he does is he just sort of labels it as blankets drama, because drama is something that immature people do. And then he says, I just don't want drama. So now he's going to cut away all the people that are causing drama that are just merely reacting to his shitty behavior.

[B]

Yep. Oh, don't worry. He's not doing the other typical boy thing, which is getting caught and then crying about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then Joe and Luke are on the deck, and Joe's laughing that this guy says that he, he hates drama.

[A]

Joe's like, really?

[B]

Because Joe, you know, mined us to come on somebody's sheets, has done the same thing as Luke many, many times on this very show. So then we go, everybody's leaving, the boat's leaving, and they're getting frozen marks made. A little sugar baby has a little chiron for himself or herself, whatever. And this is where sugar baby peace. Right on the carpet. Yes, Right in the hallway. Jen, thankfully, is the first one to clean the. Or to find the pee and immediately gets down and cleans it, which is crazy. When did you get that instinct?

[A]

She suddenly wants to clean stains. So she says, on my very first boat I worked on, I was in the Sky Lounge and the dog was close to the white curtains, and the dog looked at me and started peeing all over the white curtains while staring at me. Mr. Feathers knew what he was doing. I was like, are you talking about Mr. Feathers or are you talking about your experience with Luke the other night?

[B]

Yeah, no kidding. And by the way, team Mr. Feathers, you're an asshole. So then we go to Suzanne, and she's meeting all these great bachelors that Amy's lined up and she goes, as my guru says, oh, fuck off. Like, yeah, here's what I say to your guru. Fuck you too. Like, seriously, you helped create this monster. She's like, as my guru says, love is not what you do. Love is who you are. That's not true. Love is literally what you do. It is how you treat people. It is how you express yourself towards people. And by the way, you're not doing a great job at it in this episode.

[A]

I. I would argue that this is all just nonsense. Love is not what you do. Love is who you are. I don't know, It's. It's all just very facile meme ready commentary. And I just think it's stupid. So. Yeah, yeah. Love is not what it's. It's not what you do. It's who you are.

[B]

People have gurus as their spiritual advisor. They need to have, like, use. They need to have you people who are just like. That's stupid. You. Wait, who told you this? Okay, get them on the phone right now. Hi, guru. My name is Ronnie. You. You. Robbery. Give me. Give her her money back.

[A]

Get a job, get a job, get a job. So Cat is asking Coop, like, how everything's going. And Coop's like, well, Knight's been in a bad mood with Luke. And she's like, yeah, these lip sync ships. He's like, yeah, well, I'm bad with secrets, okay? And if you got any more of them, give them to yourself. So Suzanne goes on her first date with Kurt. Who is he is this really obnoxious guy. And she's like, remind me your name. He's like, oh, yeah. So my name is Kyriakos. Alex. Alexis. But you can just call me Kurt Because I'm 100% Greek. She's like, oh, that's great. So what keeps you busy? Well, I think what keeps me busy is explaining my first name on my last name and then explaining that you just called me Kurt. I do that a lot. Every single day. And that I'm Greek. You know what keeps me busy? Going to the Odyssey and correcting everything. Okay, Wasn't right. The sweet butter is a poem. I say.

[B]

He says, yeah, well, I have an idea for using AI to bring people to more valuable interaction transversely. Okay, he says, more, but just to start with this, the AI thing. Okay, you don't. Do you have a job? Because you start this off by saying, so I have an idea for using AI string. Are you doing anything? What do you do? That's the question. What does the sentence even mean? And then he goes, so your phone is your personal toilet. I take that away from you, you're going to yourself. Pardon my language. What the are you even talking about?

[A]

What is he saying? What does that mean? He wants AI to give people a more valuable interaction. Is he basically saying, like, rather than being stuck on your phone, you're going to use AI to have better interactions? Well, how are you going to use that AI? Yeah, I don't get it.

[B]

Like, your. Your phone is your personal toilet. So I take that away from you and you're gonna myself. What? I don't understand what he's saying. I don't even know what it means.

[A]

Go tell him if you're gonna Use

[B]

AI to help people communicate better. Could you start with yourself? Because what the are you even talking about?

[A]

Well, I think it does actually apply to this guy. Artificial intelligence. I think that is exactly what we're seeing here. So Asia is like, no, I don't like him whatsoever. And then we go to Suzanne's next date with a guy named Phil, and he's like, so I got out of the army in 2014, and when I came home, I saw my mom was struggling, and, you know, I just had to care for her. And she's like, oh, yeah, well, you know, the family that takes care of each other. Am I right?

[B]

I'm sorry. Another person who does nothing. Do any of these people have jobs? What do you do, Phil? Well, I got out of the army in 2014. Okay, well, that's 12 years ago. And then you came home and had to take care of your mom. Okay? It's. It's 12 years later, Phil, do you have a job? No. Get off this boat.

[A]

Then we go to this guy named Will, and Will is. He's very, very douchey. And he's like, so, tell me about your business. She goes, well, I created a curriculum to help teach the art of writing, and it was sold in six country Luxembourg, Andorra, Malta, Guam. I mean, still counts to six countries.

[B]

And he's like, well, wow. Whoa. My mother was a teacher. I'm such a believer in giving a voice to the underserved or underserved teachers. That's what I do.

[A]

Suzanne's like, are you saying I look like I'm hungry? She's like, well, it's. It is. It is, like, the most important profession. And then she goes on a date with this guy named Hakan, and I

[B]

think he just buys drinks for teachers occasionally. Like, if he finds out, he's like, you're underserved. Want to drink, honey?

[A]

So then Suzanne's like, wow, Con, you're gorgeous. Are you, like, 30? He's like, I'm 33. I know you're not supposed to ask a woman this, but how old are you? I was like, okay, so that's done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's like, oh, so you want to know my age on national television? Great. Yeah. Love this. Thank you, Amy. Another. And you found another great, great match for me.

[B]

Yeah. Then we go to Billy, who says, I like to give compliments and be on the receiving end of compliments as well. Go ahead. Try it out. She's like, well, you have great skin. Well, he goes, oh, God, call me Billy. I'm single. Because I'm picky. What are you calling me,

[A]

Bill?

[B]

Will. No, it's Billy. Okay, you're out of here.

[A]

So Kaylee's like, the minute that I got told I was second still, you know, I. It was a lost cause between Jen and I. But I'm so proud of myself. And I can tell Asia's happy with my work. So I've done this. I'm done with his negativity. Kelly's got a little bit of a groove back. She's feeling, like, really happy because she's, like, serving drinks and she's doing it with a smile because Jen tried to undermine her. Remember when Jen was like, just so you know, now that your seconds do, I can give you whatever advice you need because I just don't want you to be a burden to everyone with your lack of knowledge because you don't know what you're doing. Stupid.

[B]

Yeah. Now she's found out that this girl who's acting like that is splooging all over sheets and not washing them and running around the boat laughing about it. And she's like, that girl is no competition. What in the world was I even thinking? I just have to add one more thing. Anybody who says they're single because they're picky is not single because they're picky. Okay?

[A]

That means that they're gay.

[B]

It means that they're not picked.

[A]

Oh, I thought they were meant. You were meant that. That means that they're gay. Because that's what I would tell people when I was in the closet. Why I did not have someone. Well, I'm just very picky. I have, like, very high standards.

[B]

Yeah, no, you're just an. And nobody likes you. So then we go to Joe and Luke on deck, and Luke is all upset. This is not okay, you guys. All right, well, treat people less like dude. Yeah, so then Nathan's still really upset with him, so he's. He can't even look at him. And then we go back to Suzanne and the Bachelors, and they're in the water now on a floaty bar, and she's like, I'm so old fashioned. I love propping up my man. It's just so important to be supportive, you know? It needs to be a team. All right?

[A]

They're like, yeah, totally. Totally Suzanne. Yeah, you're totally our type. And Joy is gonna be making lobster tonight because. Because what's her face? Suzanne wanted lobster. She requested it. And she says when you guys tell me exactly what she wants, she makes my life easier because it's like a road map. But with Suzanne, she has, like, way too many problems. Like, she's putting a lot of crack rocks in my road just to see if I See if I'm going to drip and, like, she's going to make me suffer.

[B]

Yeah. So she's making cold water lobster. Because Suzanne only wants cold water lobster. Okay, cool.

[A]

As opposed to those famous hot tropical lobsters. So

[B]

I was wondering about that. I'm not a big lobster person, but I was like, are there medium waters? Like, what other waters do they come from? Not even. I'm sure there are just really tropics. Tropics.

[A]

Are there. I think there are lobsters in the tropics. Are there lobsters? Like spiny lobsters? I think there are lobsters in the tropics. The question that AI was built to answer. Yes, there's plenty.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

AI is very exciting. So Google AI answered with. With a big excellent. Like with an exclamation point. It goes, yes, there are plenty of lobsters in the tropics. However, they are spiny lobsters, also known as larocc lobsters or langu, which differ significantly from the famous clawed mane lobsters.

[B]

So, yes, Mediterranean, Southern California, Caribbean, Florida rock lobsters or. And spiny lobsters. Or some gnomes of warm lobster. Warm water lobsters, unlike cold water lobsters, such as the famous main lobster. So she's. She's on the low deck. Mediterranean. Yeah, she's on below deck med. But she doesn't want lobsters.

[A]

Anyone just wants my. I mean, I get that a lot of people want a proper, like, main lobster, but she's. She. I don't know. We're like mad at her even about this. We're like, really? You can't have a spiny lobster. I mean, you still get a delicious lobster tail out of it. It has no claws. But come on, don't hate on the spiny feel.

[B]

I've just never heard somebody specify on a preference sheet before, like, lobster, but only this kind of lobster. All right? And we just know already because we've watched a whole episode what a pain in the ass this person is. Yeah, we're like when someone puts they don't have onions or gar On. And I get there are people who just don't like it or maybe they're alert. I mean, I get that. It's just you're on a boat that is serving a lot of people. And what are the main things people use to cook? I mean, onion is the base, I feel like, to almost everything yeah, it is. It just makes me.

[A]

She's dumb. She's not. She's not. You know what? She needs to. She needs to write a curriculum on how to chill out. How about that?

[B]

Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one. Of a two part recap for part two. Go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

[A]

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