Dwell # 420 NYC Woman Seeks Love in Amsterdam

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Dwell #420: NYC Woman Seeks Love in Amsterdam

Date: October 3, 2024
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Episode Recapped: House Hunters International, Volume 8, Season 194, Episode 3

Episode Overview

In this episode of "Dwell," Ben and Ronnie recap and riff on a House Hunters International episode where Colleen, an NYC woman, heads to Amsterdam to find love, a new life, and the perfect apartment. The hosts blend their trademark sass, Bravo-style mock analysis, and real estate ridicule, all while diving into Colleen’s search, plant medicine dreams, and notable foray into spiritual retreats – not to mention her celebrity connection as Tara Reid’s sister.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introductions & Episode Selection [00:00–02:00]

• Ben and Ronnie thank listeners for tuning in on Wondery Plus and explain their Dwell series, focusing on House Hunters International.
• Listener Angela suggested the featured Amsterdam episode, earning her shoutouts:

  “Angela. Good choice, babe.” – Ben [01:24]

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Colleen & Her Amsterdam Ambitions [02:00–09:30]

• Scene set: Colleen (main subject) travels Amsterdam with her (over-enthusiastic) realtor Sarah.
• Colleen attributes her trouble finding love in NYC to the city itself, to which Ronnie retorts:

  “Plenty of people get laid and find love in New York City. Sometimes it's not the city, it's you.” – Ronnie [02:42]

• Colleen's TV-esque analogies and desire for a "fairy tale" love are mocked:

  “Getting a second date is like getting a second season of a TV show.” – Ben [02:55]

Colleen’s Connection to Tara Reid [06:10–08:50]

• The hosts unveil Colleen is sister to actress Tara Reid. Clues include family photos and her last name, “Reid,” and Ben confirms with research, adding:

  “She looks exactly like Tara Reid. And… It’s not a coincidence because they’re sisters.” – Ben [06:26]

• Side banter about Tara Reid’s career and the notorious Ketchup restaurant adds levity.

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Colleen’s Backstory: Career Shift & Plant Medicine [09:30–14:50]

• Colleen’s corporate ad sales gig in NYC is discussed, segueing into her pivot to "plant medicine" and leading “spirit retreats” in Amsterdam.
• Hosts are skeptical (and snarky) about her leap:

  “You went from advertising to plant medicine in Amsterdam? Lady, put down the pipe.” – Ronnie [10:40] “If I'm going to be getting plant medicine from Tara Reid's sister, I would expect a FaceTime from Tara Reid, too.” – Ben [14:29]

• Ronnie questions Colleen’s “stability”:

  “I do not believe you currently have stability. I think you are a basket case and a mess, and this is your last stab at having any kind of a life.” – Ronnie [14:53]

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Colleen & Sarah: Realtor/Bestie Dynamics [15:00–18:15]

• Colleen, 42, is seeking love, a family, and a canal apartment; Sarah (the realtor) comes across as needy, invasive, and over-the-top, quickly shifting from agent to “best friend.”
• Sarah’s exaggerated attempts at intimacy cause clear discomfort as the search progresses:

  “By the end of the episode, she can barely tolerate Sarah's presence. It's hilarious.” – Ben [18:20]

• The housing market in Amsterdam is painted as difficult—“small, congested, water everywhere, housing crisis, shortage, so many tall men blocking up the streets.” – Ronnie [17:36]

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Apartment Hunt: House-by-House Breakdown

House #1: Hip and Edgy [21:16–26:52]

• Location: Up-and-coming, “hipster” neighborhood with younger demographic.
• Features: 1.5 beds, one bath, under budget, includes a “nursery,” which the hosts mercilessly lampoon.

  “Here’s the nursery for the baby that you think you’re going to have. Enjoy.” – Ben [23:00]

• Colleen is wary of feeling like “a fifth year senior in a freshman dorm.” [30:39]

House #2: Fairy Tale Canal Apartment [36:15–41:44]

• Location: Canal ring, classic Amsterdam scene, but $400 over budget.
• Features: Spacious, modern, updated, with iconic canal views—everything Colleen dreamed of.
• Discussion: Colleen is both dazzled and anxious about the cost and practicality.
• Ronnie quips:

  “$3,000 could be a challenge. I mean, I've saved some money, but funds are finite, and so is your uterus, honey. You better make a choice.” – Ronnie (mocking Sarah) [39:44]

House #3: Posh Older Neighborhood [47:01–51:04]

• Location: South of the canal ring, “Little Paris.”
• Features: 1.5 beds, stylish, surrounded by age-appropriate peers (read: older and/or retired/divorced).
• Hosts joke about age, divorcees, and the inevitability of dying alone in such a setting:

  “Stairs. So small oven, stairs. It's a real backbreaker. God, you're gonna die alone here. Okay, sound fine.” – Ben [47:33]

• Colleen is exhausted by Sarah’s endless attempts to solidify their “best friend” status, resenting the forced intimacy and bed-jumping rituals.

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Comic Interludes & Notable Quotes

• On Amsterdam’s dating scene and manifesting love:

  “She thinks she can manifest a man. I don't think that's how it works. I think manifesting only works for parking spaces, honestly.” – Ronnie [33:20]

• On brutal real estate honesty:

  “This is called the nursery, also known as the museum of your dead dreams. Let's go in here. Check it out. Giraffe wallpaper. Isn't that fun?” – Ronnie [27:43]

• Sarah’s relentless neediness:

  “Are we best friends right now, or are we best friends? Right. Has anybody ever loved you more than I do right now? Look into my eyes. Seriously, look into them. Are there hearts? Are there hearts or pupils?” – Sarah (as performed by Ronnie) [30:39]

• On practicalities of Amsterdam vs New York living:

  “Canal ring… someone decided they would rather put a ring around the city than this lady's finger.” – Ben [36:29] “Now I'm focusing on my studies, but I will develop a business one day. I just got that view. It makes it all.” – Colleen (mocked by Ronnie) [54:01]

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Selection & Aftermath [52:46–54:28]

• Colleen chooses the fairy tale canal apartment (House #2), embracing her “fairy tale” albeit at a higher rent.

  “In the end, she actually chooses the fairy tale. And then we come back three months later, and we go into Colleen's apartment, and she just has, like, shoes and junk all over the place. She's like, well, here I am. I moved into the new place, and it's great. I love it. Sarah shows up at my door every single day, and I have to pretend like I'm not home.” – Ben [53:03]

• Banter continues about the challenges, payoffs, and ridiculousness of chasing dreams abroad.

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Memorable Moments & Running Jokes

• Ronnie and Ben’s running bit about Sarah’s cloying best-friend moves, Colleen’s “manifestation,” and lampooning the “nursery of dead dreams.”
• The Tara Reid connection provides a springboard for jokes about second seasons, reality TV, and plant medicine.
• Amsterdam is simultaneously hyped and roasted for dating, housing, bikes, and its not-so-chill reality.

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Timestamps to Key Segments

• [02:03] – House hunting begins, Colleen’s woes in NYC dating revealed
• [06:10] – Discovery Colleen is Tara Reid’s sister
• [10:40] – Shift to plant medicine and career change discussion
• [21:16] – First apartment tour: “Hip and Edgy”
• [36:15] – Second apartment tour: the “Fairy Tale” canal home
• [47:01] – Third apartment tour: older, posh neighborhood
• [53:03] – Reveal: Colleen picks her dream (canal) apartment
• [54:01] – Quick post-move catch-up and episode close

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Style & Tone

The hosts blend Bravo-style snark, pop culture riffs, reality TV knowledge, and affectionate mockery, keeping it light-hearted, raunchy, and hilarious—showing love (and shade) for both the show’s subject and the ridiculousness of international house hunting.

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Conclusion

This episode offers Ben & Ronnie at their best: part real estate satire, part therapy for Bravo fans, and part sisterly roast. If you delight in reality TV commentary, cringe-friendly house hunts, and the absurdities of chasing romantic and lifestyle dreams abroad (especially as delivered by irreverent friends), this Dwell installment is a must-listen.

Transcript

[A]

Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong ding ding ding ding ding dong. Hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. If you're listening to this, it's because you're on Wondery Plus. Thank you. Thank you for that, y'. All. Thank you. Welcome to the show. This is where we the watch what happens. Guys, talk about House Hunters and House Hunters International. We usually find them on Macs. If you want to suggest an episode, please feel free. You can do it. You guys can do it. Just write us at watch what crappens gmail.com and have dwell hello in the subject line. Tell us the name of the episode and the episode number if you've got it. And this one is House Hunters International, Volume 8, Season 194, Episode 3. It's very difficult to remember, so just go to Max and search nyc. Woman seeks love in Amsterdam.

[B]

This was sent in to us by Angela, so thank you, Angela, for sending it to us.

[A]

Angela. Good choice, babe.

[B]

Good choice. Good choice. Shall we dive into it?

[A]

Yes, let's get into it, Ben.

[B]

So we start off and we see two ladies in a bike. So there's like, we're in Amsterdam and one lady's on a bike. And then there's sort of like a bike passenger situation, like, in front. It's like a. It's like a bucket. And there's another lady in the bucket. And the lady riding the bike waves at a guy passing by. And then the one in the bucket's like, who is that? Hits my friend Mark. She goes, oh, he's cute. He's gay. I was like, okay, great. I love the way this is starting.

[A]

Guys.

[B]

This is.

[A]

We've got a hot one on our hands. I was going to say, let me tell you what's going on over here. Just speaking of house hunting. The house is under construction. They're right above my head. And now the neighbor's parrots have started fighting. I don't know if they're fighting with each other, what they're doing, but all I hear is the guys upstairs talking Spanish. And then across the street, the parrot's going. So if anyone wonders what kind of mayhem is going on over here, that's it. Okay? You say, I want to. I want to meet that parrot. Here's what I have to say to you. He's gay. For Colleen, a grilling career in New York City didn't give her much time to find Mr. Right. You know what? Yes, it did. Colleen, you didn't have what it took I'm sorry. You're out of the game. Let's stop blaming the city. Plenty of people get laid and find love in New York City. Sometimes it's not the city, it's you.

[B]

Okay, so Colleen's talking to her friend, and she goes, it's a tough city. And then Colleen tells us everyone's dating multiple people. And then she's telling her friend, getting a second date is like getting a second season of a TV show. Her friend's like, I don't. I don't understand. I'm not part of Hollywood. So I don't. What is it? Huh? Is it hard to get a second season? Because last time I checked, there's certain shows on CBS that have been on for a long time. I mean, young Sheldon. How did that get to season five?

[A]

And why are you talking like you're in tv? Are you in tv? I love tv. I have a tv. We're the Basically Sisters. So this is a real estate agent who basically falls in friend love with her client.

[B]

Yes. I feel like we've seen her before, but I could be wrong, because sometimes they reuse real estate agents in different cities.

[A]

It would make sense because she's super confident. Like, she's done this a million times. Like, here I am, just me showing properties to my bestie. Am I right? God is so fun being with you. I love it. Want to run in front of the bucket? Want to ride in the bucket? Get in the bucket. Get on my bike. You want to get in my bucket? Sound too personal? We're friends now.

[B]

So Colleen is trying her luck in Amsterdam. Lol. Luck. Apparently, Colleen doesn't have a lot of that. So then we see Colleen saying, like, I have a weakness for Dutch men. And then she goes up to a guy and goes, are you Dutch? He's like, half Dutch, half English. Oh, yeah. That's exotic.

[A]

Well, let me tell you this. I'm much better at guessing than you are. You're American. Because who else does that? So then she's like, listen, here's what I want. I want it all. I want the fairy tale. That ship has sailed, okay? The ship is gone. And by the way, if everybody's dating everybody else in New York, what do you think they're doing in Amsterdam? Isn't Amsterdam like a loose kind of party place? I feel like everybody we see move to Amsterdam on this show is literally just going to fuck multiple people. Have we ever seen anybody is like, you know what I want to do in Amsterdam? Read books by a river.

[B]

So then the lady Tells Colleen, tells us. The realtor says, thank you. Fairy tales don't exist. I can show her a fairy tale location. But will that become a nightmare if she's cash strapped? Stupid Colleen. And then Colleen's like.

[A]

It's like, if you find a husband, if you find an apartment that comes with a husband, that would be perfect.

[B]

Well, I could find an apartment that comes with a husband, but can the. Will the husband stay with you? That's another story. Colleen.

[A]

Yeah. And Colleen goes, well, you might be looking more at, like, divorcees, though. I mean, they're good looking. Well, yeah, we're in our 40s. What the do you think they are? They're either divorcees or we've all just been passed over. You know what I mean? I'm one of the passovers also. I pass over people as well. But there's. If you're in your mid-40s, you're not just going to get a fresh off the. Off the dating bus kind of a person. You know what I mean? Like, you're gonna get. It's like. It's like shopping at the. The thrift store, I guess, or. Let's not make it so poor. The consignment store. Okay. Something. There's gonna be a chip on it is what I'm saying.

[B]

Yes. So now we get into the episode that was like the preamble and Colleen. Her name is Colleen Reed. R E I D, which is noteworthy because she looks exactly like Tara Reid. And if that strikes you as a coincidence, it's not a coincidence because they're sisters.

[A]

So no way is that true.

[B]

Yes, her name is Colleen. That out the show because she doesn't say that she's friends. She doesn't say that she's sisters with Tara Reid. But again, her name is. Her name is Colleen Reed. And she goes, I'm from New Jersey, but I've lived in New York for 12 years. I'm the youngest of six kids, and most of my family vacations were down on the shore or in Florida, but I've always been drawn to Europe. And as she's saying this, we see Colleen with her various siblings, including a picture of her with Tara Reid. It's like right up there on screen. But she doesn't actually say it, but she is Tara Reid's sister.

[A]

Oh, wow, that makes sense because she does have the attitude, like, I should be famous.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, Colleen is making it sound like they're best friends and she's laughing, but she's also like, I shouldn't be friends. Like, I'M not friends with you. Why are you pretending like we're best friends? You know, like, you work for me, lady.

[B]

It also explains why Colleen made that joke about, like, it's like getting a second season of a. Of a TV show. Am I right? It's like getting the entire cast together to do Shoot. Shoot. A third sequel to American Pie. It's just very difficult.

[A]

You know, I was gonna say, has Tara Reid ever been picked up for a second season of anything she's been on? A season of anything she was on Wild On.

[B]

Remember she did a season of Wild on when that show existed on.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Remember that show Wild On? And it'd be like. It was like Brooke Burns or Brooke Burke would go to a beach. I was like, this is a beach. And then Tara Reid took over.

[A]

She's like, this is wild. It's a Wild on beach. This fucking beach is fucking crazy. Remember when she opened a restaurant called Ketchup? Oh.

[B]

Oh, my God. I totally forgot about fucking Ketchup on Sunset Strip. That was such a bad restaurant. She opened it up with, like, Mike Boogie from Big Brother.

[A]

And.

[B]

And there was actually a reality show where, like, I think Danielle Saab was like, a waitress on there. It was such a bizarre thing. And, like, Heidi Montagu.

[A]

Yeah. They were, like, looking for. So they were hiring waiters or something. Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

So our note taker, Jessica, says that she. As a side note, she said that she actually looked it up and confirmed that Colleen is Tara's sister.

[A]

Yeah, I believed you. But, yeah, that's how the audience.

[B]

Not for you. Telling the audience that it is actually. It is actually confirmed by research.

[A]

Whatever, Ronnie Doubter, I'm with you. And now that you said it, it makes total sense. I can't believe I didn't get it before. I was like, that girl looks familiar. So she's like, yeah, you know, so I'm from Jersey, but then New York, and I've always been a really big traveler. I've been to Amsterdam six times. I just love how relaxed Dutch people are. They're just so relaxed in Amsterdam. It's crazy. It's just natural, I'm sure. Hello. Weed's been legal in Amsterdam for a zillion years, ma'. Am.

[B]

I love. I love Colleen wanting to go to Amsterdam and hoping to have, like, a more laid back experience. This. Let me tell you what it's like walking around Amsterdam, Okay? Like, all right, I'm just gonna take this step here. Surely not can go wrong. Bike, bike, bike, bike, bike. It's like you. You're constantly, like, in fear of getting run over anytime you take a step. It's very terrible.

[A]

Not relaxing at all. So I can't wait to relax, be with the man. Oh, well, I got run over by one.

[B]

I mean, I cried. I got run over by a bike, and I fell into a card of herring. But it was still in a relaxing way. If it happened in New York, be very stressful.

[A]

So she's like, I was working in advertising sales. It was crazy. You'd go work, you'd sell advertising, and then right when you're done with work, guess what you had to do? You had to go to dinner with people who were advertising. So it's just a lot. I mean, wins a chance to meet some. A. A fruit loops executive. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I feel like she has a very can't do attitude. I need more from Tara Reid's sister.

[B]

It was hard. You know how hard it was to develop a pitch deck, to say, hey, you know, be a new, good spokesperson for Aflac. Tara Reid. I got connections. They didn't like it. Every pitch is just like. And here's. Here's who we can get. Tara Reid.

[A]

So now we're in a forest. They're hiking. We see different shots of mushrooms. And Colleen's like. I just wait. Is Colleen the realtor?

[B]

No, Colleen is. Colleen is. Is Tara Reid's sister.

[A]

And she says, okay, Colleen's Tara Reid sister. Okay, so the realtor is Sarah. So Colleen's like, I discovered plant medicine last year. Oh, for sake. Really? You went from advertising to plant medicine in Amsterdam? Lady, put down the pipe. Okay?

[B]

I just cannot believe Tara Reid's sister took this turn. So she says.

[A]

I mean, it just seems like they'd come from such a stable stock, you.

[B]

Know, I. I saw Tara Reid once here in Hollywood. I was walking on the sidewalk, and I was walking near the Arc Light theater, which was hosting the premiere of Van. What was that movie with Ryan Reynolds? It was like, Van Something. Another. It was like National Lampoons.

[A]

Van Wilder.

[B]

Van Wilder. And I guess Tara Reid was in it. And so her car pulled up, and her window was down. She was coming up Coanga to make the right turn on Sunset, where she'd step out of the limo on Sunset, and I was walking on Koenga. And I looked, and my friends are like, oh, my God, there's Tara Reid. Because we could see her face, and Tara Reid saw us looking at her, and she just raised up her window. She was like, ew, gross. Which is not unlike the time I saw Jamie Lee Curtis in traffic, and she was reading a script. And so I could see her face because the light was on. And I looked over. I was like, oh, my God, Jamie Lee Curtis. And she looked over and saw me looking at her, and she's like, turn the light off.

[A]

Free look for you, buddy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she wants to be in plant medicine. Medicine. Because, I mean, listen, after 12 years in advertising, I just. I just wanted a leap of faith. And plant medicine helps so many people. I'm gonna take people on spirit retreats. It's like, oh, are you Just like, you know what? Everybody else is screwing everybody else over for free money. I'm gonna do it, too. The out of here with your spiritual retreats in the pot city of the world. I don't need your retreat. You. I don't need a hand holder. Just give me the hash brownie and send me on my way.

[B]

Yeah. She goes, I'm really excited for this new beginning, but I'm giving up a great career, and I'm giving up stability. And that is just wild to me. It's, like, almost wild on to me. You think about it. It's terrifying.

[A]

So then New York to Amsterdam.

[B]

What? I said I would say so. Giving up a career as an advertising executive to go into plant medicine, and you haven't even started your schooling for it yet. And I don't even know what schooling there is for it, but.

[A]

Well, I don't know if it's actual plant medicine or if it's like, she's talking about weed. Like, I don't know what she's talking about. Is she talking about, like, drug drugs, or is she talking about, like, actual.

[B]

Probably, like, leading ayahuasca retreats. I actually have a friend, a really wonderful friend in Europe who kind of went the same path. She's, like, leading ayahuasca retreats in, like, Barcelona or something like that.

[A]

Oh, I know who you're talking about.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you met her. And she's great, and she's, like, very smart, and she, like, works in, like, corporate. The corporate world. But she's like, oh, but by the way, I also lead ayahuasca retreats, and also, though. But she didn't give up her day job. And I think that's where I'm concerned about with Colleen. It's like, Colleen, like, is giving up the. The money to go on this path. I'm like, keep. Maybe keep one toe in the advertising.

[A]

Well, here's the thing. If I'm gonna be Doing drugs and going on some kind of a retreat. You need to trust who you're with. And I'm sorry that it's not really fair that this is on your resume, because it's not your fault. Right? But you're Tara Read, sister. Like, I don't trust you to hold my hair when I'm barfing in the toilet or whatever's happening or, like, freaking out about my childhood because you're gonna one up me. I know that I would be like, oh, my God, do you know what. What happened when I was five? What my mother did? She'd be like, I grew up with Tara Reid. I'm like, oh, God, are you gonna have trauma me? Like, literally. You ever heard of a restaurant called Ketchup? I had to eat there.

[B]

I just feel like, also, if I'm going to be getting plant medicine from Tara Reid's sister, I would expect, like, a. Like, a FaceTime from Tara read, too. Like, I think that's. I think that's owed, really.

[A]

Is anybody craving that?

[B]

Well, no, I think that's the whole. That's, like. That's kind of like what you're in it for. You're like, so when do I get to talk to Tara Reid? I'm high. I'm tripping on mushrooms. Now do I get to talk to.

[A]

A lot of sharknado questions? Can we just make that happen? Thanks. So she's like, I'm giving up stability. I do not believe you. I do not believe you currently have stability. I think you are a basket case and a mess, and this is your last stab at having any kind of a life. Good luck. Wish you the best. So, by the way, she seems very nice, and I'm just, like, ripping her.

[B]

She's actually like, it's very nice. It was actually funny at the end of the episode, Dom was like, that was one of the most normal house hunter people I've ever seen, where she was, like, pretty chill with every single place. I was like, I know. She actually was, like, very normal.

[A]

The wacky one is Sarah, the realtor.

[B]

Sarah is a lot.

[A]

She's nuts. So she goes, you know, like, look. I. Do I. Amsterdam is magical. I love the architecture. Water. Guess what water is. It's healing. It's very healing. Yeah. Really jump into it and see. See. See how that heals you. Plus, I love Dutch guys. You know, they're tall, they're handsome, they're smart. I just knew that I was never going to get a family in New York because New York is harsh. People don't have families in New York. God.

[B]

So we find out Colleen is 42 and she really, you know, so she's like, I'm 42. I need to. To focus on, you know, like, finding a man having a baby. And Sarah's like, oh, okay, yes, that will work out. You know, I love Colleen immensely. I mean, I just met her, but I know that she's fame adjacent, so that's amazing. We have so much in common. Like, my third cousin is also quite famous. She once had a guest appearance on Dear John, a sitcom for the 80s. And so I was in New York and like, the rat race. I was in the rat race, just like her. I was literally doing a triathlon against rats. And I actually lost. Somehow I lost the rats. It's weird. But anyway, I remember the dating scene there, which was also rats. I was dating rats. I was on. I was on a real rat circuit. It was a strange life for me in New York.

[A]

So Colleen's. The guys just want to play. Yeah. I remember guys just playing with me constantly. It was nuts. I'm like, what am I? Little ball with a bell in it? Like a cat calling at me all the time? Yeah, they're not going to commit to you. And she's like, I'm hoping Sarah will not only find me a husband, but this will be my best friend.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know if I can fulfill all of this, but I can help you figure out. We're gonna lay your head and it's right here on my breast. Get over here.

[B]

Huddle up. You're checking a lot of boxes that I needed from a friend. Okay. Someone who's a little older, a little sadder, knows someone famous and really likes mushrooms. Okay, Come on in here. Nestle in. Yeah.

[A]

So Sarah's like, the tricky thing about the market in Amsterdam. It's so small, it's so congested, there's water everywhere, Housing crisis, shortage. So many tall men blocking up the streets. Like, how can I get through the traffic? So many hot men. Thankfully, at the end of the day, all you really need in your backyard is a warm hug from your best friend. Get over here, get over here. I can guarantee you're gonna have that.

[B]

And Colleen's like, well, I'm moving here for the dream. I want the dream location. Okay, well, you're also moving here for the dream guy, which you probably won't.

[A]

Get.

[B]

But there is a Van Gogh impersonator.

[A]

Colleen seems to be into this. She's like, hahaha. Like, genuine laughs. And it just Starts to, like, decrease as the episode goes on.

[B]

As the episode. By the end of the episode, she can barely tolerate Sarah's presence. It's hilarious. It's so good.

[A]

So Colleen's like, I want to be on the canal. She goes, of course you do. Gosh, you know what? You're the first person I've heard say that who's moved here. Expats, Americans especially. I don't want the best view. I don't want the most trendy place in the city. Not me. I'm American. I'm just happy to settle. Just kidding. You want to wake up, open your window, sing a song, like from a Disney movie? Was that bestiality, by the way? That was a big hair. That was an actual animal. So crazy.

[B]

Yeah. I want all the characters there. I want the fairy tale. So charming. I like. I like modern on the inside. Renovated kitchen, one bedroom, washer dryer. Furnished, Hot. Tall man who speaks Dutch. Sort of sounds like he's spitting up a furball from his throat. I love that.

[A]

And I. Oh, and I'm assuming you want it to be pretty, just like the guys are going to want from you. Just kidding. They're just looking on your inside. I'm just kidding again. I'm kidding so much. Are we sisters?

[B]

Okay, you can stop petting my hair. Stop petting my hair. All right.

[A]

I also wanted to be stylish. Okay. Can you get the fairy tale for $2600?

[B]

Sarah's like, well, can you get me Jason Biggs autograph? Because then we can really talk. Okay, well, let's. Let's get the house first, and I'll figure out with my sister.

[A]

She goes, okay, well, I'm just googling to make sure that there's an ATM here as I check into masturbation station. Jason Biggs. Give me a call.

[B]

Well, we can try to find you a house, but finding a house is kind of like finding a husband. Probably won't happen for many decades for you. Okay. But we can find you a wait list, which won't help you on the husband front. I suppose. Anyway, what are your thoughts on a box three miles out of town?

[A]

Yeah. She's like, you know what? I hope you're willing to settle like my husband did. I'm just kidding. He's a settler here. Colleen's like, this is already telling me she's not even gonna try.

[B]

Right? So. So, Colleen wishlist.

[A]

Is this where we are?

[B]

Well, Colleen has a wish list. She wants a dream guy, a canal ring location. She wants to be charming, modern, Renovated, one bedroom, washer and dryer. Furnished and stylish. I was like, okay, good luck with adding all of these. So, yeah, now that. This is. When they get into this bike. This is the bike that has, like, the. The dumpster on the front that you put people into. And Sarah's like, this is like the minivan of bikes. I mean, I'm sure you don't understand the concept of minivan, because that's really for people with children, but it's basically a car that you put all the kids that you've had in it. I don't know if you. This. Is this triggering for you. Okay. Anyway, I'm gonna just take out. Take you to all the houses today, get into this dumpster. I'm gonna push my little feetsies around and show you all the places that have husbands that you can't touch. Okay.

[A]

So they go off on the bike, and Sarah's like. Colleen's moving here without a job, so I just wanted to give her a little cushion. So here we are in Diping, just outside of a canal belt. Go ahead.

[B]

Yeah, no, we. I wanted to take her to a neighborhood which has the same name of the thing that she's craving. The pipe. So it's just outside the canal belt.

[A]

And.

[B]

And you get a little bit more for your money. It's just got lots of restaurant, lots of cool bars, and a lot of young people to point at you and say, you could be my mommy. Perfect for her.

[A]

So house number one is called Hip and Edgy, which is so cringe. So Colleen's like, what's the age demo here? She's like, upper 20s, lower 30s. She goes, oh, that might be a little too young for me. Do any of those people know who Tara Reid is?

[B]

They don't, but I do. Does she still keep in touch with Stifler? Because he was my favorite, too. So I'll take autographs from either him or Jason. You know, whatever.

[A]

Well, I just want you to see the different neighborhoods. This one is a sarf. D. Okay. Sarpedi, I think, is how you pronounce it. I don't know. I've only lived here, like, since I was married. Mary Brain. Sorry. That's someone who's got their dreams. Like, we just forget things all the time. Sorry.

[B]

Colleen's like, well, I feel like I'd have to get a dog if I moved here. Oh, my God, yes. A dog is a great pickup. You could just be like, hi, can my dog play with your dog? And then you can meet a Dutch guy. And then you can just laugh and laugh as he runs away from you.

[A]

So then you know where the term going Dutch came from. Right Here. Have fun paying for your own dinner. It's gonna be fun for you. This is gonna be really fun for you.

[B]

So house one, they go to one and a half beds, one bath, second floor. It's under budget, and it's in this, like, hip, edgy place. It's like a nice. That's a nice house. It's actually really nice. And there's a. There's a room in it that used to be a nursery, which is. I just feel like that's Sarah just trolling Colleen. Oh, here's a nursery for the baby that you think you're going to have. Enjoy.

[A]

So funny. It was cracking. They keep saying hip and edgy. And they keep putting on the screen, this house is hip and edgy. And she's like, and here's the nursery, the hippon edgy house.

[B]

Oh, and this area, this corner here is great to cry in. I think you'll love it.

[A]

The crying corner. You don't have breasts to milk a baby or. Sorry, you don't have a baby to milk your breasts. So we're just going to milk your sad, sad tears. Of all the things. Just think of all the things you didn't accomplish and just let your body leak.

[B]

Let's just. You know what's great about this crib that they left in here? You can just put your dreams in it and just let them just stack up right in there, nice and cozy and arranged.

[A]

You know what? The baby that's in this crib never ages, but your dreams do. It's going to be so fun for you. You're gonna have a great time.

[B]

You know, when you wind up abducting a child from, you know, rural Holland, you can just put it right there in that crib and no one will ever know. It's great.

[A]

So they go into the, you know, the living room. And this. This is a nice place. This is really new. It looks really good. And Colleen's like, I'd probably have to add my own touches. Oh, yeah, boxes of Kleenex. I'm guessing from all the crying you probably do, that would look good on that coffee table.

[B]

You know, if this coffee table's too low, you could always prop it up with some old VHS tapes of American Pie. So that'll. That'll be a good use.

[A]

So they're looking at a faux fireplace, and Colin goes, yeah, it's foe. So there's no fire. Hazard for me. You know, I'm into plant medicine now, so. Don't want to accidentally light myself on fire. Is this getting dark? It is, huh?

[B]

And she's like, and by the way, here's a washer, washing machine, but like. And then here's a space where your. Where your dryer is going to be. You can just call your dryer baby. How about that?

[A]

You.

[B]

You have a new baby on the way that dries your clothes. Congratulations.

[A]

So Sarah's like, you know what? You don't get this in New York. You don't get New York. You know what else you don't get? Husbands, babies, happiness, careers. It's like, okay, let's just talk about the backyard for a second. Okay? We're gonna be swinging together out here. I don't mean sexually. You keep your hands off my man. That was. It took me a long time to talk him into this one. Okay? But swing, set, back and forth. You and I holding hands, talking about all the dreams you never achieved. So great.

[B]

Colleen's like, I could picture myself in this apartment, but I'm not really sold. I think the age demo in this neighborhood might be a problem. Younger guys can be a lot of fun, but they're probably not good for long term potential. So, yeah, this is. I don't want to be the old maid on the block, basically. So. Yeah, because basically she's in, like, with all the students, all the poor students who have to live on the fringes of the. Of the city. She's like, yeah, this is. I know I'm going into plant medicine, but I want to live with the stockbrokers, thank you very much.

[A]

Yes, exactly. So then some nice cozy little bedroom. And then Colleen's like, oh, my God, the bed is great. Should we try it out? And then just fall on the bed.

[B]

Laughing together like best friends forever. And then Sarah goes and look at these authentic ceilings. Yes. For a moment, I thought it might be a floor. And I realized, wait a second. That's a real ceiling. This is a very authentic ceiling.

[A]

Probably the only guest in your house that's actually going to get a chance to comment on your ceilings. Am I right?

[B]

That authentic ceiling is almost as compelling as the authentic empty space next to you in this bed.

[A]

And Sarah's like, wait a minute. Are we be. Sarah's like, oh, I love that ceiling. She's. Are we becoming best friends right now? Are we or not? Best or not best or bestest? There's your choice. Multiple choice. Are we best friends, bestest friends, or most amazing Bestest of the westest friends you pick.

[B]

Colleen's like, I think we already are best friends. And she goes, okay, so then, well, what do you say, bestie? Should we go to the nursery? So that was, by the way, the trick. She's like, I'm going to lock you in as my best friend before I show you something that's going to make you shatter your entire mood for the day. An empty crib.

[A]

Totally. This is called the nursery, also known as the museum of your dead dreams. Let's go in here. Check it out. Giraffe wallpaper. Isn't that fun?

[B]

At least. At least those rats can reach for something. So. So Sarah's like, yeah, you know, this is, you know. And you know what? This could also be a great office space in case you never have a B. A B. Y. So anyway, this is awkward, isn't it? And Colin's like, yeah, no, it's a great office space for all the paperwork I'll be doing as a plant medicine guru. So, yeah.

[A]

You know, all those non prescriptions were faxing back and forth to each other.

[B]

You know, all those papers I'll be writing for the New England Journal of Medicine. It's a great place to do it right here. But by the way, I think a nursery might throw the guys off. Just. Oh, yeah, you're right. They probably won't like that. Sort of like when they look at the desperation in your face, it's just like, ew.

[A]

Sarah's like, well, you could also, like, until the situation were possibly to arrive, you know, use it as an office. And she goes, yeah, I don't know about that. So Colleen's like, oh, my wedding dress is in the closet. And they start laughing. She's like, yeah, I'm gonna look a little needy here, don't you think? She's like, ye, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, let's keep this positive. Okay? The bathroom's right over here. Okay. This is where you're gonna be alone, staring at yourself in the mirror, wondering where it all went wrong. Wondering if your face is melting or if those are just from the mushrooms you took because you had to sample your own goods before you gave them the complete strangers off the Internet.

[B]

Oh, look at the shower. And Colleen's like, wow, it's big enough for two. So they both get in there, and then Sarah suddenly is like. Something takes over Sarah. She's like, hey, hey, girl. What's your name? Oh, we're taking a shower together. Oh, my God, Life is exciting. And Colleen's like, if you don't know my name before you go into a shower with me. She's like, listen, I'm married with a kid, but I can live vicariously. I mean, I love Saul. He's great. I love him and everything. Does he emotionally fulfill me? No. Do I sometimes think about what it would be like to be with Tara Reid? Yes. Then do I look at you and say, well, it's close enough, perhaps. I mean, what we're talking about. I love Saul. I love him.

[A]

Do I wish Saul would get into the shower with me? Not necessarily. Do I wish Saul would get into a shower? Every day of my life. Every day of my life. This is fun. Okay, tell me what you like. Be brutally honest about what you don't like. And Colleen's like, I like a lot about the apartments. Open concept, natural light, fun. Bathroom space is good. The nursery is terrifying.

[B]

So I was actually talking more about my bosom. Is it attracted to you? Do you like it? Be brutally honest.

[A]

Like, the neighborhood's okay, but, you know, I feel like a fifth year senior in a freshman dorm. She goes, oh, my God. That is such a good line. Are we best friends right now, or are we best friends? Right. Has anybody ever loved you more than I do right now? Look into my eyes. Seriously, look into them. Are there hearts? Are there hearts or peoples? Tell me the truth.

[B]

By the way, do tell your sister I loved her in that movie. Fifth year senior in a freshman dorm. It was so funny. So then Colleen's like, I mean, this is a place I would have really liked a decade ago, you know, Although I want a man, I don't want a boy. So she's like, I want the fairy tale location. She's, oh, my God. Fairy tale. That's exactly what you're living in.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Okay, let's go find a place that you can might live in.

[A]

Find the guy and. Okay, so now they go. They go biking again to the next house. And Sarah's like, this. This is the fairy tale. I'm Prince Charming. You're Cinderella. Here's your shoe. Put it on. Let's just skip the preamble. Let's just get back to.

[B]

So they are sitting at a bench and they're doing, like, they're taking, like, Sarah's making them take a selfie together. She goes, okay, now we're like. Let's pretend we're, like, in bed together now. In your lap. Oh, my God. And Colleen's now, like. Like, I'm not sure about this. So Colleen tells us, you know, the American dream. I always Thought, okay, well, once I hit 30, it's kind of like this husband just comes to you, and you get the husband, the cute family, and you move to the suburbs and just a rap. But fortunately, didn't quite happen in New York. And then we just see, like, busy New York where men don't care about Colleen Reed.

[A]

Like, in New York, where nobody loves anybody ever. I do think, you know, it's, like, a tougher place. I get it. But, you know, I don't know. It's tough out there. I don't think anybody really has to get married anymore. So people are like, why would I? You know, different world out there. Everybody. It's a different world. Whatever happened to cassettes? So then we see. She's like, it was so sad for me to leave. You know, I have anxiety. Like, am I doing the right thing? I mean, it seems somewhat irrational, but, you know, my father always said, it's not the things you do in life you regret. It's all the money you gave Tara. She was young.

[B]

It's all the guys that you really like that Tara stole from you. That's what life is about. So then they walk up to a guy. It's like, a handsome guy. And Sarah's like, oh, my God, let's go up. I'm gonna introduce you. And Colleen's like, wait, wait, wait, what's happening? She goes, okay, I'm just gonna introduce you. It's gonna be fun. So Colleen's like, all right, I'm gonna manifest my dream apartment. Because the more I manifest it, the less I have to focus on the fact that I'm about to be more, like, turned down on House hunters right now by a stranger. Oh, gosh.

[A]

She thinks she can manifest a man. I don't think that's how it works. So I think. I think manifesting only works for parking spaces, honestly, because I'm really good at that. I get parking spaces anywhere I can.

[B]

Honestly, my special power is that I can manifest a song to come on at the grocery store. I can't tell you how many times I'm like, remember that song by Brian Adams? And I swear to God, it comes on. It's happened, like, three times. I really think I have a special power.

[A]

Yeah, that actually is a good one. I can manifest getting fatter. Like, if I'm thinking, like, God, I'm so fat, then I've just, like, will get fatter. It's weird.

[B]

So they. Anyway, they. These two women go up to this guy, and Sarah asked the guy, so where would you say the best looking guys are. And Colleen's like, huh, Right here. So then guy number one is like, so, hello. Well, I'm sure there's someone else potentially who would be interested in talking to you. And she was like, oh, thanks.

[A]

She goes, is that a rejection? And he just. He doesn't even smile. He's just like, please, get away from me. They walk away. And Colleen's like, there's no such thing as a perfect man. I just love some commitment. Just hit this point. Listen, get me a loser. I don't care. Is he in my house? Yes. Is he just keeping the nursery close until it's time to cross that bridge?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Okay. But he's there. Does he pay rent? Probably not. Is he eating all my food out of the fridge? Probably. But guess what? It's a man.

[B]

So then they go up to another guy, and Colleen's like, so I heard that Dutch women are aggressive. And he's like, yeah, but I like aggressive women. And they're like, ha. And not old hags like you. Oh, ouch.

[A]

Oh. So then Colleen's like, I've got so much to offer. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm unemployed. I'm in a place. I don't know the language. Gonna be great. So now guy number three. She goes, hey, guy number three. Is that hair gel? Are you excited to see me?

[B]

He's like, it's hair gel. It's definitely hair gel. If those are the two options, it's hair gel, Nida. So then Sarah's like, I really think that Colleen is in what I would call the honeymoon phase. Lol. I understand the irony of what I just said. What do you call a honeymoon for someone who's never been married? Is it a sad moon? She's in her sad moon phase.

[A]

You know, it just means, like, you feel like you're on vacation. That's what honeymoon mode is, you know? So it's just so exciting for her. But the reality is she doesn't have a job. She's giving everything to move here. And she's like a dried up version of a dried up version, if that makes any sense. It's two dried up versions. Like, what are you, a bowl of potpourri? Am I right? Good luck with that.

[B]

I think the worst thing you can do when you change your life is get carried away. Which is why she needs stability. She needs someone who could anchor her. She needs someone who would love her the way she needs to be loved and deserves to be loved. And her name is Sarah. That's me.

[A]

Now here we are in the beautiful canal ring. Now, a ring is something I would not suggest you wearing on dates here because you really do want to get a baby. And I wouldn't plan on a man coming through for you in any other way. Okay, let's check out the apartment.

[B]

Okay, fun fact. The canal ring, or the Graschen gordel, consists of four semicircular man made canals. I don't know why I'm reading this right now, but it's important for everyone to know that someone decided they would rather put a ring around the city than this lady's finger. Okay, great.

[A]

So now they're like going crazy on the bike, ringing the bell. And Colleen's like, wow, you're sure ballsy. But Colleen now hates this woman. You can see that we are on house three.

[B]

And she's like, I hate you, Colleen. Sarah's been too much for Colleen. And Colleen's like, look, I'm going to plant medicine. I get it. I'm gonna surround myself by weird people. But I also came from corporate America and this lady is too much for me. I can't deal.

[A]

Yeah. And Sarah's like, oh, we are having so much fun on this bike. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Get out of the way. Single woman coming through. Baby not on board.

[B]

So we go, we go to house number two, which is in a really nice area. And fun fact, there is a board game shop near there because I walked to it because of course I did in Amsterdam. And yeah, I'm a nerd like that. I. I recognize that it was again, that part of the ring. So Sarah. Sarah's like, well, if this is what she wants, it comes with a premium. So they show up to this drop dead gorgeous, absolutely perfect place. I was like, I already do. This is what Colleen's gonna take. Colleen is Sisters with a Celebrity. She knows the high life. Even if Tara is maybe past her prime, Colleen knew what it was like at one point. She's. She was worked in advertising. She worked in New York City. We don't have to watch the rest of this episode because this is the one she's going to take, I guarantee it.

[A]

And it's so nice and it's updated, but has charm. I mean, it's from seven. It's from 1674. Okay. That's probably the last period in time when, I don't know, a two set like yours would have been considered attractive. The only downside, other than maybe a bit of lack of storage is the price. Okay, this is called Tara read money. Okay? $3,000 a month.

[B]

So it's just like. It's. It's amazing. It's huge. It's modern. There's light. It has a view of the canal. It's like, really everything that you would dream of if you move to Amsterdam. And Colleen's like, wow. Well, I'm excited and excited and scared. So they walk inside, and Sarah's like, well, well, I want to, you know, look, I want to walk straight through the hallway, and I want you to have your big fairy tale moment. Okay? Now, look, it's a baby. Just kidding. Okay? Fairytale tales don't come true.

[A]

Colin goes, wow. Yeah, wow is right. Honey, doesn't it make you want to twirl? Let's twirl. Twirl around. In a fairy tale. Right now. I'm in a fairy tale right now.

[B]

Colleen's like, I'm going back to New York.

[A]

I'm the witcher. Hansel and Gretel. I'm going to eat you both right now. But in a good way, in a fun way. Can't wait to consume you. Your soul. I just mean, don't worry. Why you look so scared. Get over here. Let's jump on the bed together.

[B]

I know this is above budget, but we can maybe both go in on it. And then we could be roommates.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

That's just thinking out loud. So Sarah is like, you know, it's saying how it's in this great location, everything. It's a prime location. And Colleen's like, I would have to pinch myself every day and wonder if this is even real life. And then reality sets in. $3,000 could be a challenge. I mean, I've saved some money, but funds are finite, and so is your uterus, honey. You better make a choice. Whoa, Sarah, that was a little uncalled for.

[A]

Okay, imagine this. It's nighttime. Cute Dutchmen are waving to you. You wave back at them, but they don't seem to be seeing you. And you. And you realize that there's somebody behind you. That was awkward. Oh, God. But, hey, at least you have a nice apartment, right? There's Netflix. There's some popcorn. You could pop some ice cream in the freezer.

[B]

Sarah, why did you have to make my. My. The hypothetical scenario so devastating to me? You could have just entered. You could have just, like, made it seem like one of them was waving at me. Oh, you're right. So you look closer and you say, that's the guy for me. And as you run up into that guy's, arms. You realize it was actually me all along? It was me waving at you.

[A]

Well, this isn't really my style of plates. Listen, isn't that the same criticism you've had from literally every man you've gone on a date with? Okay, let's. Let's drop that kind of thinking now we're in Amsterdam.

[B]

And she goes, and she goes, oh, wow, look, there's like a real oven. Yeah, it's perfect for putting buns in it. Oh, I'm so sorry. I gotta watch my words.

[A]

Someone would have to put some yeast in that mix first. I don't see that happening anytime soon. Am I right, friend? Okay, so Sarah's like, this is what you call a cooker. Okay? It's a little tap. You press and then you get instant boiling water. Okay. I like to turn it on for a facial. Well, that's what you'll do. I have a husband to give me a facial. That was disgusting. But we're best friends now, so. Girl talk.

[B]

Colin's like, wow, this is big time coming from New York. Yeah. Oh, by the way, and this is kind of like the toilet in the house, or as I like to call it, your dating life. And you've got the bedroom, and then there's also a smart storage thing here. You know, it's fun. Let's get on the bed.

[A]

So you've got your closets kind of here. And this is cozy, right? Oh, look, there's little cubbies on the wall. You can have tea here or wine or heroin. Really? Whatever you want to do.

[B]

Yeah. And calling goes, oh, I could put my cell phone there. Oh, sweetie, no one's calling you. Leave that in the dining room.

[A]

But you do need to masturbate. Let's face it, you pay $200. That thing is your boyfriend at the end of the day. Okay.

[B]

By the way, you can also FaceTime me. I can help out.

[A]

So then they check out the bathtub, and it's really nice. And she's like, oh, my God, this bathtub is so sweet. You want to sit and move. Sitting it with me. It's a two seater. Get in here, get in here.

[B]

And then they go to the table. And Colleen's like, this is completely magical. I love that it's open concept. I love the washing machine and the dryer. I don't really like the style of it. It's like a normal style. And I'm about to go into plant medicine, so I need something that looks sort of like it's on an angle, but the Furniture is not really my taste. She's like, okay, well, I don't think that beggars can be choosy. Okay, so. So this is really the only place that's in the fairy tale setting. So it's this or nothing, bitch. She's like.

[A]

And so Colleen's like, oh, my God. But what. I lost my job. What if I can't make ends meet? What am I gonna do? She goes, okay, just wanted to show you. If you want the fairy tale, you've got to pay for it. Unless you're, you know, really charismatic and gorgeous and you stand out. Please call your sister. Are you curious to see what she's up to right now? Just like, I'm looking for a house in Amsterdam. How are you? My best friend's along.

[B]

Hey, where's my. Never mind. I thought I lost my wallet. I got very panicked all of a sudden. So she's like, yeah, okay, so, well, let's go to a new neighborhood. So they go to a different one. And already Sarah's like, this is a little bit more our age. You know, old and past, you know, baby rearing times. Oh, awkward.

[A]

There's about four retirement homes on this block. And I know that you might not be attracted to these guys, but on the positive, they have trouble running, so they're much slower.

[B]

So. So then they are. They go to this new house. Well, actually, we just see, like, little clips of it, but. But then we. We see them in a coffee shop. Sorry. And Colleen orders a flat white. And the breeze is like, absolutely. She's like, no, no, that's. That's my description on Tinder. Flat white. Is there anyone who might be interested in that?

[A]

So Colleen's like, I love New York City, but there's an expiration date there. Basically, I'm milk with clumps in it. Like, what are you gonna do? Put that on cheese? I'm done. I'm cooked. Can't even have a washer and dryer in New York City. What the Have I been doing my whole life? It's all.

[B]

God, it's all gone.

[A]

Focus, focus. Okay? Colleen is sick and tired of being sick and tired of New York City. And frankly, I'm sick of her negative Nancy attitude. So she's taking on a lifestyle res. Amsterdam, where her new focus is on hot Dutch men who are drunk enough to find her attractive.

[B]

You know what? Plant medicine is becoming really popular, and it turns out that apparently I'm much more attractive to men who are in a disordered mental space. So medicinal mushrooms that's where we're going.

[A]

By the way, she's very pretty.

[B]

She's very gorgeous.

[A]

I don't mind making. We just, like, dissing on this show, but she's.

[B]

No, no. She's very gorgeous and she's a total catch. But it's just like. It's just. Hello?

[A]

Damn. What'd you do to that point? What'd that girl do to you? She's like, nothing but nice, you know.

[B]

Like I said before, she's like. She's a total catch. And she's like a pretty, like, chilled, normal person.

[A]

Yeah. So then they're walking and Carter's like.

[B]

Carter.

[A]

Colleen's like, oh, God. You know, it's harder to start over at my age, but it's harder not to be happy. So true. I mean, I wouldn't know, but I've seen it on tv. It's so sad, you know? Like, I've never been in a car wreck, but I don't have to see a freeway pile up to know that sucks. You know what I mean? For you.

[B]

Okay. Colleen? Yeah. This is my favorite street in Amsterdam. This is my neighborhood. And I wanted to show you because I feel like, you know, if. If I like it, you're gonna love it. We're basically the same person. Am I right? Okay. Like, I'm just gonna start calling you Sarah number two. Or maybe I could be Colleen number two. Oh, my God. Actually, I mean, I'm Colleen too. Call me Carlton.

[A]

They actually call the street Little Paris because there's so many little restaurants, cute shopping. I don't know, there's a lot of love. Might be the only thing we're missing for you so far. But, hey, you know what's great? Being single in the middle of people in love. You're gonna love it here.

[B]

This is also my neighborhood. So if you actually move here, you'll be, like, super close to me, which will be great because, you know, that way when Saul is out of town, you can come over and be. Can hang out, have tea, and who knows where the day will take us, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

I mean, it's very expensive. But you like posh. Okay, so we're just south of the Canal Ring. I'm so excited about this apartment for you. Oh, wait, are we looking at house number three or. House. Oh, yeah, we're on house number three. Okay. This is a posh paradise. One and a half bedrooms, one bath, third floor, stylish decor, no baby, no husband. Age appropriate suitors. Probably old enough that they're going to die soon and won't leave you in the well, because we don't do that here. Stairs. So small oven stairs. It's a real backbreaker. God, you're gonna die alone here. Okay, Sound fine.

[B]

So this neighborhood is really more people in their 40s, but they're probably all married, so that's awkward. You might be looking at more divorcees, but they're like the sad divorcees who couldn't, you know, keep. You know. They couldn't. They just were. They weren't. They were. They were short Dutch men.

[A]

Let's.

[B]

Let's be honest. So Colin's like, well, as long as they're nice. Yeah, they're probably not. Anyway, Here we go. Let's go check it inside this new place. So they walk in, and it's another nice apartment. Like, honestly, all three have been really nice places.

[A]

Yeah. And they're like, oh, my God, so many stairs. She goes, oh, well, there's that times two. But at least you got mirrors going all the way up so you can check yourself out, see what everybody else is avoiding having children with.

[B]

This neighborhood is Amsterdam School architecture, which may be the only school you'll have to deal with. Maybe you can. Can also get your plant medicine degree there. And it is, you know, it's 120 years old, and it's just a different vibe than the Canal Ring. It's just like, you know, again, closer to me. So I just want you to think about that since you may not have any friends except for me in this city.

[A]

Colleen's like, feels classy. She's. Yeah. So let's step into the kitchen. Wow, look at this kitchen. There's sliding doors. Those are authentic. That's great. Also a Gwyneth Paltrow movie where she does find love.

[B]

So that's funny.

[A]

She finds love in two different timelines, which is really great for her. I'm sorry, that's neither here nor there. That's just not your plot. Okay, let's move on.

[B]

So, you know, the funny thing with these sliding doors is that these are really authentic to the house because in the original architecture, like, let's say you had a kid running around and you're like, I need to cook in peace, and you just close these doors. So I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy these open doors. These doors that will always stay open.

[A]

For you. It's just a big gap in the wall, let's face it. But you know, it's theirs if you ever want to walk through it. Sarah's like this oven. She was like, oh, my God, did I tell you that this was the smallest oven we're going to see? Now, it's not the most unused. That would be yours. This is so fun. We're having a good time today.

[B]

Now, this stove top is induction. And now I know you may be thinking, when are you going to be induced? Well, it's happening right here I the stove top.

[A]

So Sarah's like, yeah. I mean, it's small, but you do have an induction. It's modern, it's functional. You know, I've got storage here, and there's a rooftop vibe. And I guess I like it. The rooftop vibe is just seeing the roofs of other houses, you know? And so Sarah's like, yeah. And then here we have a coffee nook and you can make your coffee in the morning. Find a rich divorce. That sounds shallow. Sorry. Also impossible. Which would you prefer, shallow, impossible, or both? Are you my best, bestest, or most important? Greatest, best. 100% EST.

[B]

The most important thing to know is that there's a nook for you to sit and enjoy your coffee with your loved one, which in this case is just air. Okay, so moving on. So Sarah's like, okay, great. So then they go to the bedroom and there's a working fireplace, so that's exciting for that. And then so now they go in the bedroom and Sarah's like, well, should we try out the bed? We tried out all the other ones. Let's go. And then Colleen at this point is like, if I have to fucking jump on another bed with this deranged real estate agent, I'm going to kill myself.

[A]

She wants to get out of there so badly, but they do. And Sarah's like. And Colleen's like, uh huh. She hates this girl. So then she goes, okay, let's step out on the balcony. Be very, very careful. Romeo, Romeo, we're out there. I'm right here. Oh, my God. We're together. We're Romeo and Juliet. But do Romeo and Juliet have lunch together every single day?

[B]

Just promise me, if you take this place, like, don't drink wine on this balcony because these railings are very low. Oh, so if I were to push you over, would be like, reasonable to consider that being an accident?

[A]

She goes, I guess I'm gonna have only coffee out here. God, she sounds like the worst. She's like, I'm very clumsy. So she's clumsy. And she also. What was her other thing in this episode where she's like, oh, well, at least I can't start A fire in that fireplace. It doesn't work. Like, what's wrong with this girl? I'm feeling this girl's running from a lot right now.

[B]

I would say so. So she loves the decor. It's totally her vibe. And there's a washer dry and everything. She likes the neighborhood, but she doesn't love the bathroom. And she even says that she's clumsy here as well. So now it's time to, like, pick a place and, like, again, in my mind, like, the. The. The nicest place is $400 over budget. The second nicest place, which is this one, is $200 over budget. So if you're going to go 200 over budget, you're going to go 400. And on top of that, Colleen's been living in New York City. We're going. We're where, like, something costing 400 more is kind of like par for the course in New York City, I feel like. So to me, I'm like, there's just no question about it. She's gonna get the nice place on the canal.

[A]

I don't think, because there's too many young people. You know when you have that kind of paranoia in your mind where you're like, oh, my God, I want a husband, and I'm the oldest one here, you know, I think that works a number on you. I was thinking maybe she would do the old people neighborhood right, because she's like, wow, there's so many old people here.

[B]

But in the end, she actually chooses the fairy tale. And then we come back three months later, and we go into Colleen's apartment, and she just has, like, shoes and junk all over the place. She's like, well, here I am. I moved into the new place, and it's great. I love it. Sarah shows up at my door every single day, and I have to pretend like I'm not home. But other than that, this is the fairy tale.

[A]

Sarah. Knock, knock. Do you feel that just to wake up in the morning and look out of the canal in my face staring into your window is worth the extra 200amonth for you? Will you open the window, by the way? Open it. I don't like talking to the glass. Open the window.

[B]

Do you like looking at the canal? Looking at all those boats going by? It sort of reminds you of your dreams. Just going right down the river. Oh, God, it's a lovely sight.

[A]

Doesn't this just make you think of birth canals? Anyway.

[B]

Just dropped by to say hello. Glad you chose this place far away from me. Thanks a lot.

[A]

Colleen's like, oh, my God, New York was so fast, fast, fast. We didn't have men. We didn't have washer dryers. We didn't have fireplaces. I mean, this is nuts, you know, now I'm focusing on my studies, but I will develop a business one day. I just got that view. It makes it all. Please get your butt off of my window. Sorry. Just wanted to have a nice view of the moon. I mean, here you are in the canal. Love you, bestie.

[B]

And that brings us the end of dwell. Hello. Thank you. Thank you for sending this one in, Angela. And it was a fun one. Send us your recommendations to watch what crappens gmail.com with Dwell. Hello, suggestion. Dwell. Hello, suggestion in the subject line and we may choose yours as one to recap.

[A]

We sure love you guys. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Well, hello.