Dwell Hello #304: Love in Action in Puerto Vallarta

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #304: Love in Action in Puerto Vallarta

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Episode: Dwell Hello #304
Date: February 22, 2023

---

Overview

In this hilariously biting episode, Ben and Ronnie recap and roast a recent House Hunters International episode titled “Love in Action in Puerto Vallarta” (Season 181, Ep. 4). The star is Milan Devi Labre, a dog-obsessed, self-proclaimed online educator and ex-actress (possibly on the run?), who—along with her beloved dog “Leah” (“Love in Action”)—is searching for a new beginning in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. The Crappens boys dissect Milan’s puzzling backstory, questionable life choices, and delusional real estate expectations with their trademark blend of mockery and affection.

---

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Character Sketch of Milan Devi Labre

• Tongue-in-cheek speculation about Milan’s real backstory
  • Ronnie and Ben riff on Milan’s mysterious and glamorous self-reinvention, suggesting she’s a runaway waitress turned “doctor/actress/keynote speaker/romance novelist” with a self-styled international persona—running from her past (and possibly a diner owner named Mel).
  • "I feel like she was running from something or somebody..." – Ronnie (04:08)
• Her name and brand:
  • Milan is “Milan” because she likes Milan; “Devi” means goddess in Sanskrit; “Labre” seems made-up for flair.
  • “No white girl is named Milan Devi Labre.” – Ronnie (02:36)
• Instagram detective work:
  • Ben and Ronnie check Milan’s Instagram and IMDb, discovering her acting credits ("Peninsula," "Gracious Revenge"), a quote-filled bio, pet product businesses, and very filtered pictures—different from her reality-TV persona.
  • “She’s the founder of Kitty O Go, co-founder of Kittio Tech, she’s an actress, an author... an international keynote speaker.” – Ben (07:59)
  • “That’s not her face on Instagram. I don’t know who she thinks she’s…” – Ronnie (08:08)
• Level of obsession with her dog, Leah:
  • Every decision features the dog—her “love in action.”
  • “This dog wants to just run the hell away. She does not put the dog down ever.” – Ronnie (11:22)
  • "Me and Leah against the world. I'm telling you, she's run away from something." – Ronnie (12:17)

2. Milan’s Real Estate Journey

• Unrealistic expectations collide with reality:

  • Milan wants a beach-front, two-bedroom, nice kitchen, pet-friendly home for $750/month.
  • The rental market is “exploded”; even her realtor, Danielle, is dubious.
  • “She has designer expectations and knockoff budget and also knockoff taste. Look at her trash bags.” – Linda (10:28)
  • “You want a place for 750, a two-bedroom on the beach for $750.” – Ronnie (16:27)

• Touring Properties – The Comedy of Disappointment:

  House #1 – The Yellow House ($900/mo)

  • Authentic Mexican neighborhood, eight blocks from beach, lots of yellow, bedroom is just a mattress in the foyer.
  • Milan is unimpressed with distance to beach and the presence of chickens, but loves the kitchen ("Is this sink made out of beans?").
  • “Wow, you could fit a person in there [the oven]. Not that I would. Don't worry, Leah.” – Ronnie (24:16)
  • “But chickens. And it’s far.” – Milan (46:10)

  House #2 – Poolside One-Bedroom

  • Ten-minute walk to the beach, pool, stone walls, smaller kitchen, questionable bathroom.
  • She loves the pool, is “obsessed” with the stove, but worries about privacy—people might be able to see her.
  • “But I am concerned about the size and the privacy. I just feel like I'm just very much on display.” – Milan (36:24)

  House #3 – Near the Beach, No Oven

  • Five-minute walk to beach, loud and crowded location, no oven (crushing for a wannabe baker), balcony is overlooked by other apartments.
  • Milan is dissatisfied with privacy and noise, but is tempted by beach proximity.
  • “I love the vaulted ceilings, but I Have never seen an invisible stove before. Oh, never before, Daniel.” – Milan (42:48)

3. Hilarious Analysis of Milan’s Mental State & Dog Devotion

• Milan’s “balanced” life involves giving up all her requirements just to be a little closer to the beach.
• Persistent jokes that Milan is projecting a whole identity and Instagram “brand” onto her dog.
  • “Hashtag love the kitchen. Hashtag bullying works. Hashtag I love this space. I mean, hashtag bomb.com, hashtag authentic Mexican space.” – Ben (25:05)
• Outfits for Leah, possibly homemade, always matching her own:
  • “She looks like she's wearing little napkin rings around at one point. Not really sure what she's doing with this.” – Ronnie (29:44)
• Ben compares the Instagram pet-parent culture to Valentine’s Day pressure:
  • “Every older gay guy who's dying alone is on Instagram kissing their dog. I refuse to do it.” – Ronnie (28:40)
• The pair riff on Milan’s delusions about local economies in “developing countries”; she’s not getting a palace for pennies.
  • “They keep coming to these countries, and they're like, no, no, you stupid, privileged person. That's not how it works. We have an economy here, too.” – Ben (21:07)

4. Realtor Danielle & Supporting Cast Commentary

• Danielle (the realtor) is patient but increasingly exasperated by Milan’s demands and lack of budget reality.
  • “Milan’s never been to Puerto Vallarta and knows nothing, which means my work is going to double or triple...” – Danielle, paraphrased by Ben (15:09)
• Linda, the snarky commentator, delivers savage asides.
  • “Milan needs to grow the fuck up.” – Linda (39:29)
  • “So far, Milan’s learned the space she wants won’t fit into her $750 price point. But there is a trash can she can hobble into and call home.” – Linda (31:00)

5. Final Decision and Recap

• Despite swearing she “loves to bake,” Milan opts for the no-oven/no-privacy/noise-ridden apartment purely for its slightly closer proximity to the beach.
  • “She’s gonna give up an oven. She’s gonna give up an oven. So that way she has a five minute shorter walk to the beach.” – Ben (47:21)
  • Ronnie laments the delusion: “…a delusional poor person, which is even worse than normal poor people, because it’s poor people who expect things. Good luck, Milan.” (45:03)
• The hosts agree she made the worst possible choice, passing over the charming, pool-equipped house for the sake of “beach balance.”

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “No white girl is named Milan Devi Labre.” – Ronnie (02:36)
• “This dog wants to just run the hell away. She does not put the dog down ever.” – Ronnie (11:22)
• “She has designer expectations and knockoff budget and also knockoff taste. Look at her trash bags.” – Linda (10:28)
• “I love the vaulted ceilings, but I Have never seen an invisible stove before.” – Milan (42:48)
• “Every older gay guy who's dying alone is on Instagram kissing their dog. I refuse to do it.” – Ronnie (28:40)
• “But chickens. And it’s far.” – Milan (46:10)
• “Milan needs to grow the fuck up.” – Linda (39:29)
• “She’s gonna give up an oven. She’s gonna give up an oven. So that way she has a five minute shorter walk to the beach.” – Ben (47:21)

---

Key Timestamps

• 00:36: Show intro – episode context and basic premise
• 02:20: Dissecting Milan’s name and invented persona
• 07:40: Investigating Milan’s online “doctor”/influencer presence
• 09:20: Description of Milan’s TV persona and dog devotion
• 14:29: Introduction of “love in action” dog name
• 16:27: Milan’s unrealistic budget and expectations
• 21:07: Economic reality check for American expats
• 28:40: Ben’s monologue about Instagram dog-parenting and loneliness
• 31:00: Linda’s snark on Milan’s options
• 39:29: Linda urges Milan to grow up
• 47:21: Milan picks the worst choice—just to be five minutes closer to the beach

---

Final Thoughts

Ben and Ronnie deliver a riotous, whip-smart takedown of a classic House Hunters character—one who embodies expat delusion, pet obsession, and the American fantasy of “escaping” to paradise on a shoestring. Their recap is packed with comedic riffs, off-the-wall theories, social commentary on privilege, and plenty of Bravo-style snark. Through Milan’s journey, the hosts skewer both HGTV expectations and real estate naiveté—reminding listeners that whether you’re “doctor” or dog mom, reality (and rent) always wins.

---

Transcript

[A]

Ding dong.

[B]

Ding dong.

[A]

Ding dong ding ding ding ding ding dong. Hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

[B]

Hi. How are you?

[A]

Good. Everybody, welcome. This is Ronnie and Ben from Watch what Crappens. This is our house Hunters and house Hunters international podcast, Dwell. Hello. Today's episode is from House Hunters International Season 181, Episode 4. It's called Love in action in Puerto Vallarta and we watch this on YouTube TV. Now, if you have trouble finding this, because as usual, they're labeled differently on every streaming service, I would just go to Google and search Love in action in Puerto Vallarta, where to watch, and you'll see a bunch of places listed where you can find it. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, this was. You know, I'd love a bibbidi bop. Just traveling, just moving to a place sight unseen and then like angry at the place that she moved to.

[A]

Yeah, this is one of those episodes where you wonder, what are you running from? You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So one of those people. She's a real odd duck. She's got this dog that she's obsessed with. She's like a dog obsessed person. And she describes her relationship with her dog as when she met her dog. You know, it's like there's just something odd about the chick. She's really pretty. She's aging, but very pretty. And I'm like, are you on the run? What's happening with you? What happened to you is what. I kind of wanted it. She's kind of a Blanche from Golden Girls. Like, makes sexy jokes and kind of hot blonde wanting to live on the beach. But there's just something criminal. I'll say it. There's something criminal about her. I want to know what she's done.

[B]

Well, her name is Milan Debbie Labre. And I feel like just the name alone sort of tells you everything you need to know about her. Milan Devi Labre. Debbie Hyphen Labrae. I mean, first of all, do we think that's her real name? Do we know the name that she's created for herself?

[A]

Yes. No. White girl is named Milan Debbie Labre. It's like a thing.

[B]

It's like a romance novelist. It's like she said, I'm going to become a romance novelist and this will be my pseudonym. I've actually decided. I just want to make it my name. This is. This is who I am. Milan Devi Labre.

[A]

Well, she's Milan, right? Because she likes Milan and she travels a lot. Okay, so then how is Debbie spelled.

[B]

D E, V, I. And then it's dash, L, E, capital B, R, E, Y.

[A]

Okay, so devi is the Sanskrit word for goddess. Okay, so there you go. And then what's your last? Her?

[B]

L, E, B, R, E, Y. So be like in French. It's like the bray. Whatever B R E Y is, huh?

[A]

It's Louisiana had the highest population of libre families in 1880. Labre Keleke is somebody on Instagram with 20,000 followers. Labre on Apple Music. I mean, I don't know. I don't know where that one comes from, but the first two names, Milan Goddess. So, yeah, she's full of.

[B]

But, I mean, she was a waitress. She clearly was like, a waitress in Nebraska. And she would always say, you know, one of these days, I'm just gonna get out of here. I'm gonna change her. Her name was Suzanne. It's like. Like, oh, there goes Suzanne again, talking about how she's gonna travel the world. I'm gonna do it, guys. I'm gonna travel the world. And then she changes her name to Milan. Debbie Labre gets out of Omaha and travels the world.

[A]

I feel like she was running from something or somebody. Like, she. Maybe she stole money to. To go live her dream, to go travel. Like, maybe she stole money from Mel at the diner and went on the run, and then they were coming after her. And finally she's in her 60s, and she's probably in Milan, you know, And Mel shows up with some goons to, like, kill her for stealing his money so she can go on the run, and she ends up outsmarting Mel and killing him because now she's brave enough to come on tv, so, you know, that whatever she was running from, she is now taken care of. So I'm kind of already proud for her. But all the stress of that crime has made her cuckoo bird, and then, you know, become one of those people who takes her dog, like, literally everywhere and talk about, you know, do you like the view from here, dog? So she's broken, but she's safe.

[B]

Now I'm confused, though. Why, if she, like, if she screwed out this guy, screwed over this guy, got the money, she's set for life. But she still wants to create some sort of online educational platform for people because, like, that's what her job is.

[A]

She's like, I never said she's set from life. I think she stole from Mel at the diner. You know, Mel's the guy who runs the diner, so she stole, like, whatever cash is in the register. And Mel has just, you Know, been chasing her for all these. It wasn't enough to get, you know, get her set for life. It was. It was like a bus ticket, you know, maybe a Southwest ticket somewhere.

[B]

I am going to look her up on Instagram right now. Milan Debbie. Because she has to, at least for her dog, right? Milan Debbie. Oh, come on. Big thumbs getting bray the bray.

[A]

I see Milan Devi Labre. Okay, well, she's definitely here because I see this blonde, crazy, crazy face and the blonde lady with the little white dog. I'm. I'm.

[B]

I'm having a hard time finding her.

[A]

I don't see her on Instagram, though. Let me see. La Deby Labre. She's on imtb. Let's check out her IMDb. Okay, I'll visit Milan Debbie Labre. So she's an actor, I guess. She has been in Space Sweepers 3 in 2021.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

She has been in Peninsula, which she played a TV show host. She was in something called Gracious Revenge as the landlord in 2019. She's done four small roles and things.

[B]

I love that she was on something called Peninsula. Like, she's like, guys, I just landed a big role. It's a movie based on a geographical formation. It's about people who think they're on an island, but they're on a peninsula. They could get out this entire time.

[A]

Now, this is somebody who's written their own IMDb and you got to respect the game here. Okay? Other works. Spoken word album. Back to the basics. Transformational wisdom. Oh, and then it has the ASIN number, and then it says did you know under her did you know? Section. It has quotes. Without basic human values guiding us, we become morally bankrupt. Without love as our purpose, we become empty. Without understanding both of these, we become lost. By Dr. Milan Labre. So now she's a doctor. Since she's a doctor. So now you're a doctor.

[B]

You know what? I misspelled her name because her name is Labrae, not libre. Okay? Dr. Milan libre. See, now we're checking Instagram a second time to see if we have. There she is. Okay, I found her. She looks completely different in her Instagram. She's the founder of Kitty O Go, co founder of kittio Tech. She's an actress, she's an author. She's an international keynote speaker. She's a world traveler and a pet mom.

[A]

There you go. And she saw that little dog. Also, that's not her face on the Instagram. I don't know who she thinks she's.

[B]

I don't know who that is on the Instagram. It's just someone else entirely. Actually, honestly, her Instagram is pretty okay.

[A]

So I think this is act. This is actually a listener suggested episode that we're doing. So thank you, listeners. And I guess it's actually recent because the. Her first picture is her sitting with her dog for the interview in this episode, so.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[A]

And the comments are, like, from three weeks ago, two weeks ago, someone said, great episodes. And then someone else said, are you dating Danielle? Which is her realtor, and she just says no, period. Which really could have fooled me. Doctor.

[B]

Wow. Well, Dr. Milan Devi Labre lighting up Instagram with her work on Peninsula. Wait, now I gotta see what Peninsula is about. Hold on, I'm just gonna click. I just want to see what the description is. Oh, it looks very. A zombie virus has in the last four years spread to all South Korea. Four Koreans in Hong Kong sail through the blockade to Incheon for $20 million on a truck. Wow.

[A]

There you go. So just for those of you who can't see her, she's like a blonde bombshell with big giant red lips and a pink outfit and a little tiny white dog who she dresses in crazy little cute outfits and stuff. So the first line of the episode is, canine cantina today serve doggy tequila. And I just wrote, oh, Jesus Christ. I know.

[B]

She's sort of like the HGTV version of Christine Quinn, right? Like, this is the house hunters version is as close as you can get to Christine.

[A]

This is Christine Quinn in 30 years. Yes. 40 years. Yeah. For sure.

[B]

So Linda is not. Linda does not approve of this woman whatsoever because she's like time zone troubles while running her quote unquote online business. Have Milan. She wanted me say Dr. Milan, but I refuse. And her pup, Leah, moving from South Korea to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

[A]

And then we see Milan in her pink bright suit and her red lips and little dog in her lap. And she's like, a lot of clients I work with are in the Americas, but I also need to learn to appreciate myself. So that's why I'm moving.

[B]

And then Linda comes. Linda comes hard right off the top she goes. Unfortunately, she has designer expectations and knockoff budget and also knockoff taste. Look at her trash bags.

[A]

What are you, a doctor in Marshalls? So then Milan asked her realtor, where have you brought me? I see chickens. Which, you know, of course, this lady is offering $5 a month in rent. You're gonna see chickens.

[B]

Dr. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And they also. And they Also show like a sad phone booth. It's like a phone booth. And phone booths are kind of inherently sad. Or it's like a payphone. And then it's also slumped over. It's like a crooked public phone. Linda's just like, see, look at where she wants to live. Sad phone booth, phone booth, neighborhood.

[A]

So Milan is doing her dog voice. She's like, oh, my God, little dog. Look where we are. Look, little dog. This dog wants to just run the hell away. She does not put the dog down ever. She does not. She probably puts like 10 pound weighted clothes on this dog so it can't run. You know, this dog is never looking at her. This dog wants to run. Is no love from coming from this dog towards her?

[B]

No, definitely not. So Milan tells us, I developed an online educational streaming platform. It's called Netflix, you may have heard of it. Kind of took the world by storm. Anyway, it lets me live wherever I want to. So Leah and I have lived around the world for 11 and a half years and it's always been Leah and I against the world. And I was like, oh, wait, wait, so you're projecting some sort of like, persecution complex onto this poor dog?

[A]

This poor damn dog. Me and Leah against the world. I'm telling you, she's run away from something. I want to know what it is. So then Linda's like, But as Milan's online community grew, so did the stress. I was like, I need to know what this online community is, cuz I don't believe in it.

[B]

I don't believe all the fans of Peninsula, all those. All those Peninsula heads. Were you in Peninsula? Were you the television presenter on. On Peninsula?

[A]

So this is where she tells us, I have to work with people in the Americas and I love beaches because the water is particularly calming to me. So I'd like to live near the beach, you know, anywhere I could have a boat in case I need to jump in there quickly in case Mel finds out that I stole from the register. Preferably a beach that's pet friendly. And with all the research I did, I. Puerto Vallarta worked really well. So I hope this is a place I can live on a beach for a reasonable price. Lady, you know, this lady went to South Korea looking for bargains. Like, this is the type of lady we're talking about here. We're in South Korea looking for beach bargains.

[B]

I was looking for a nice beachside condo in South Korea and it turns out I couldn't quite find one. So here I am in Puerto Vallarta. And I just, I hope this place is where I can live on the beach, which I want to live on. Because I want to live on a beach, especially a beach with water. If I can have a beach that has ocean water attached to it, that would be great and at a reasonable price so I could have a work life. Beach balance, you know, that's really what I'm looking for. Beach balance, work and water. Water with the beach.

[A]

Yeah, it's important. Water is important to me. So her realtor, Danielle is like, hey, what's the name of this dog, by the way? She goes, love in action. And he just laughs. And she's Aaliyah for short. I know you think that's cute, but it. You're saying love in action, like that's not good. That's very bad. That's like my love life. Love in action. Is that supposed to be a compliment to the dog? It's the most depressing dog name I've ever heard in my life.

[B]

What are the odds that Leah is all over her educational streaming platform? You know that like every. Whenever something pops up, like have a question, it's like, Leah, it's like love in action. This is learning in action. You know, she's filled the entire site with this dog.

[A]

You know, she's like her own little operator that pops up on the bottom of the website. You know how whenever you're on a website like that and it's like, any questions? And it's like a little operator head, but it's this little blonde head with big giant red lips. It's like, I'm having trouble with this algebra question. Go ahead. So x equals 9, right? Beach water is very important to me. God dammit.

[B]

So Daniel says that, he's like, no, my concern is that Milan has never been to Puerto Vallarta and she knows nothing, which means my work is going to double or triple. Because again, let me just reemphasize. She knows nothing. She didn't even realize we were in Mexico. She thought we were in Orange County, California.

[A]

And she's like, okay, Tanya, now listen, I want to be really close to the beach and I want to be by everything, but not in everything. Does that make sense? She's like, no, not really. And what about the number of bedrooms? She goes, well, I want two bedrooms because I need an office. Online community.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Also, I love baking, so a kitchen is a must, girl. You're gonna get a kitchen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What the hell do you think you're. You really have lived all over the place.

[B]

Here's what I want. Okay. I want two bedrooms. I want to be by the beach, maybe even in the beach. I want a house that's surrounded by waves. I actually want to be floating away back to South Korea.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I want to have a really big kitchen and I want to be in the best part of the city, slash ocean. Okay. And also I'm willing to pay $45 a month. I think that's reasonable. Right.

[A]

I was thinking I could pay in toenail clippings that I would just keep in a little bag. Okay. And give it to the landlord every month. Yeah. She wants a place for 750, a two bedroom on the beach for $750.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And Danielle's like, you know, the rental markets really exploded, so I don't know if she's going to feel comfortable in a rustic, traditional neighborhood, which we all know. Anybody who spent a lot of time in vacation towns knows what that means, you know? Yeah. Not great. So Milan is like, so where have you brought me? I see chickens. And he goes, but it's, it's adjacent to the romantic section.

[B]

By the way, the romantic zone is some of the best branding I've ever heard for a city like that. The hottest place, the hottest part of the city is called the romantic zone. Like, that's just that.

[A]

And he explains the romantic zone to us. He's like, the romantic zone has restaurants. I was like, oh, okay. Do the masturbators just not eat in this town? The fuck, Daniel?

[B]

Yeah. So yeah, he's like. He's like, yeah. I don't know if she's going to feel comfortable in a really rustic, traditional neighborhood. So they're at the base of the mountain and they're adjacent to the romantic zone. And Milan's like, hmm. I mean, I love that we're at the base of the mountain, which would be great if base of mountains was part of what I was looking for. But unfortunately, I think you may have gotten base of mountain confused with ocean, which is. I understand. I listen. I was in a, in a movie called Peninsula, so I get it. I understand land maybe more than other.

[A]

People do you have. Maybe base of a mountain is an ocean. That would be great because that's what I'm looking for. Now Leah does have some outdoor space and I'm like, okay, so this is the kind of person who, who pretends they care about their dog because it gives them a personality. You don't care about your dog. The outdoor space is on a second floor balcony with like rickety ass wood that they're just gonna. That dog's gonna fall over the second it sees that chicken walking around downstairs.

[B]

I know, because she's like, oh, wow, look at Leah. She is all in the chicken smells. She just loves the chicken smells. Which, by the way, Tanya, reminds me, I do have one issue. This neighborhood does smell like chicken, and I don't mean cooked chicken. It smells like living chicken.

[A]

So he's like, well, but, you know, there's that outdoor space. And she's like, you had me at outdoor space. But $900, that's a lot. So they go in, and it's very bright yellow, you know, which is kind of traditional Mexican style. And she's like, wow, guess what I see? Yellow. God, this is a yellow. Oh, wow.

[B]

And he's like, yes, it is. Hey, so let's look at the first bedroom, which, conveniently, is right here in the foyer. So look, it has no door. It's not really a bedroom. It's just a space that has a mattress in it. It's a foyer with a mattress. She goes. She's like, huh, Huh. I feel like I wanted. I feel like I want to make a snarky comment, but I also feel like I might be culturally inappropriate if I. If I say something, so I'm just gonna go, ha.

[A]

Yeah. And he goes. She goes, it's a weird place for a bedroom. And he goes, well, that could be a guest bedroom. And she goes, yeah, as long as the guests don't mind a front door in their room. That would be something. This is dirty furniture, right? Is this furniture dirty, or is it just the yellow walls that's making it look dirty? It's like, nope, it's dir. And that's what's good about yellow walls. And she's like, okay, well, it is a lot of yellow. And he goes, hi. This is Mexico, so I don't know if you've seen any pamphlets, but we like bright colors here. She goes.

[B]

She's like, I'm pretty sure we're in Germany. I. I mean, I know I've never been to Puerto Vallarta before, but I'm pretty sure I said Germany, Right? That's where this is. No. So, by the way, she's, like, upset about this. I mean, the bedroom in the foyer is bad. I would never like that. It does not have a door. Like, it's not. It's not a room. It's just, like, a nook. But she literally wants a second bedroom for an office, so it actually is totally fine for her needs.

[A]

It's an office. Yeah, you walk in, and there's your little office area or whatever. And the other thing is, sometimes these episodes are difficult because these people really don't want to spend any money at all. I mean, $750. You're just wasting my time. Like, I have to watch 30 minutes of just horrible, like, bottom of the barrel holes. You know what I mean?

[B]

Well, it's. It's funny because there's sort of an underlying current of, hey, I. I live in a. In a developed country, but I want to get. But I. I live. I just sort of have an. I live in a small apartment, but I hear if I go to a poor country, I get to live like a queen. And they keep coming to these countries, and they're like, no, no, you stupid, privileged person. That's not how it works. We have an economy here, too. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So then she.

[B]

And she tells us. She goes, this is definitely a very authentic Mexican neighborhood. I'm like, yeah, because you're in Mexico. I think they're all authentically Mexicans, and I like that.

[A]

But I don't love the fact that we're far from the beach. If it was closer to the beach, we could get our toes in the water at the beach, because, you know, that's where I want to live. I do love the space. I mean, a bedroom with a front door in it. I mean, it's. You know, it's tempting, and it is massive, which is tempting for someone who works remotely. And then Daniel's like, but let's go to the other bedroom, because here is where the magic happens. There's a nice sized bed for the two of you. And she goes, and guests. And he goes, oh, then three of you. Getting warmer. Daniel. The four of you, warmer. The five of us. Fiesta. Senor Bucket. Dano. I'm in.

[B]

So I was like, okay. Now, I know the first half of this house is a little less than what you were hoping to find, you know, what with that mattress in the foyer and all the yellow and no beach and etc. But I think the second half is going to be a home run. So they go into the kitchen, which is nice. It's a big. It's a big kitchen. Lots of yellow and everything. And she's like, oh, my God, I like this sink. It's very authentic in here. This is a really authentic. This feels like I'm actually in Mexico, you know?

[A]

Is this made out of beans? Is this sink just made out of really roasted beans? Because I'm getting authentic. Mexico is This a.

[B]

Is this just an upside down sombrero? Is that what this sink is? Cause this feels so authentic. We're not Mexico, are we?

[A]

Is this a refrigerator or a giant maraca that opens? This is authentic stuff happening here.

[B]

This is authentic mex. This is a plus 100% grade A Mexico right in here.

[A]

And then, you know, most of us are like renters or have been at some point. And it's like a typical stove, right? A stove with an oven. And it's like the cheapest one that you can get as a renter, right? And she goes, oh, I love this. Look at this. And she opens it and it's small. It's like you put a half sheet in there. You know what I mean? It's not giant. She goes, wow, you could fit a person in there.

[B]

Not that I would.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

Don't worry, Leah.

[A]

And then, I don't know why that cracked me up. I'm like, I've never seen someone more excited for a normal sized ass oven.

[B]

Yeah. So then they go into this other room. It's got laundry machines and like some random chairs in there. Like, not like nice chairs, just like bridge chairs. And he goes, so this is your multi purpose room, which I love. Realtor spin. I'm like, this is the laundry room that was too big to be a laundroma. So they put some chairs in it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And he is flirting with her, right? They seem to have like this flirty energy because he goes, this is the laundry room, the massage parlor. Oh, here's the patio. Overall, what's your sense? Do you want to massage me right now? There's a massage parlor there she goes, hashtag, love the kitchen.

[B]

Oh, that's trending today. Hashtag love the kitchen. Hashtag love the kitchen. Hashtag bullying works. Hashtag I love this space. I mean, hashtag bomb.com, hashtag authentic Mexican space. I could absolutely see having guests. Maybe not you, but like other people. And like I could work from home here. It's just, you know, it's like a little bit above what I was thinking. And I would love to see if there's anything more in my price range. Maybe at the beach. Because I love the beach and I need the beach.

[A]

Yeah. And he's like, well, if you want, we can look at one bedroom, you know, because maybe we could find something in your price range for that. You can goes, as long as I have space. And Leah's happy, rightly, I mean, right now. And from Leah's point of view, that's a tiny dog. It's like you brought her to Jurassic Park. You know, Leah's just looking at this like she's gonna have to run away from gigantic chickens. I know anywhere else, Leo would be happy.

[B]

So now we come back, and they're. Well, they're on a boat now, Milan and Leah. And Milan's like, I think there's gonna be a difference between soul version of Milan, which was an incredibly famous actress living abroad, also getting her doctorate in actressing, and then the Puerto Vallarta version of me, which is someone who really understands an authentic Mexican town and a mountain.

[A]

The soul version was hot and glam. I was like, oh, really?

[B]

She's like, the soul version was stressed out and working literally seven days a week. But now this move is a fresh start for us. So now I can move to Puerto Vallarta and work seven days a week because I'm working remotely, so it doesn't matter where I live. It's gonna be the same life, work, life, balance.

[A]

And this is her.

[B]

Her.

[A]

Like, look at me having fun with the love of my life, Leah. Love in action. Kayaking in the ocean. I'm like, please leave this dog alone. Please just leave your dog alone, okay? Your dog does not want this. And she's like, I just hope to regain sanity, something I lost. You know, Lee is the love of my life. She's all love, hence her name. So I met Leah back in Korea. I went to a pet store, and next thing you know, my credit card's coming out. And I was like, how is this happening? I don't know. I don't know how it happened.

[B]

I swear I have these fleeting memories of me running down the streets of Seoul with Lee in my arms and a guy in a Petco uniform chasing after me saying, hey, lady, you didn't pay for that. You just took out your credit card, but you didn't actually pay anything. And I just laughed and laughed, and off into the sunset we ran. And they just. I made such a splash. They put pictures of my face up everywhere. I was on the news to be famous in Korea.

[A]

Yeah. And she is showing us all these pictures of her exciting life with Leah. And it's just Leah. It's like, Leah in front of the Eiffel Tower, Leah in front of the great pyramids, Leah sitting on Mickey Mouse's head or whatever. And I was like, this is so sad. And I think it's because I see, like, kind of my life, what my life could be. And by the way, I happen to watch this Valentine's. Because this. We're recording this the day after Valentine's. And I mean, my God, Valentine's Day. Just any single person is like, you Internet. Because the whole whole Internet is like, look, it's Ben and Dom. It's like Ben's picture of him and Dom being happy, and then Dom's picture of him and Ben being happy. Everybody is just. But you have to do it, you know? And I get it. Yeah. But it's like, everyone do it.

[B]

Then people get worried.

[A]

Yes. They're like, what happened to you guys? So it's everybody, and they're happy couples. And then you just see some lonely gay guys, like, kissing their dog. And I was like. And guess who was about to post it? And I just happened to go, like, take a pee break. You know, I got off the couch for, like, 10 minutes, and I was, you know, scrolling as one does as they pee. And I was like, oh, my God. Every older gay guy who's dying alone is on Instagram kissing their dog. I refuse to do. I will not do it. And then I watched this episode, and I was like, you know what? Fuck this lady and her dog. I hope the kayak turns over there.

[B]

No, she would never be betrayed by the ocean because she loves Mommy ocean. Okay? She loves Mommy ocean. So. And yeah, she does take a lot of these photos of Leah and she. By the way, I feel like we really can't emphasize enough how many outfits she puts Leah into. Like, little dresses, little pink things, little green things. She's, like, very, very involved with Leah's outfits and making sure they match hers.

[A]

Also have to say, I think she makes them. I think she makes these outfits because none of them make any goddamn sense. The colors don't make sense. The shapes don't make sense. She looks like she's wearing little napkin rings around at one point. Not really sure what she's doing with this.

[B]

They're very authentic dresses to where she is from. So we have to honor the locations and the origins of. Of Leah's frocks.

[A]

They're from France and South Korea. You know, they're from everywhere, so who knows? So the real estate guy, Daniel's like, so Leah travels with you? And she's like, oh, yes. She even has her little passport.

[B]

Yeah. And then Tanner goes, oh, my God, really?

[A]

And he tells us, milan is an open spirit. You know, she's not afraid to open her bags and her dog and go to the facts that she's never. Oh, and. And go. And the fact that she's never been Here adds more dynamics. She needs to learn more of the dynamics because she doesn't really understand dynamics. I'm going to say dynamics a few times and hope that she thinks maybe I should look into dynamics.

[B]

Yeah. So then Linda says, so far Milan's learned the space she wants won't lit, won't fit into her seven hundred fifty dollar price point. But there is a trash can she can hobble into and call home.

[A]

So far, Milan is learning that she's going to need a roommate. He's probably going to be made out of very dirty green fur and pop out of trash cans saying rude things to passersby. Good luck. Good luck with your doctorate. Stupid.

[B]

Based on Milan's. Based on Milan's budget, Taniel has gotten her a tarp. She's gonna wrap herself right up in that and call it home.

[A]

So Milan's like, well, people told me I could stretch my money here, but I'm learning that my expectations are a little unreal. I'm gonna need to temper that like I would chocolate because I love to bake. Can't wait to see what next kitchen is waiting for me.

[B]

Well, guess what, guess what, Milan. Here is your new neighborhood also at the base of the mountain. Still doesn't sound like a beach to me. Unless this is a mountain of ocean. Is that possible? Can ocean be 3D like that?

[A]

And it's also on the border of the romantic zone. Again, she's like, oh my God, how are you? Leah, get over here for a kiss. Get over here. So it's eight blocks from the beach and she's like, I love the neighborhood, but a 15 minute walk? I mean, look, if I want to break from working online, it's not a real quick trip. That's 15 minutes.

[B]

Yeah, I just. It doesn't really land to an impromptu trip to the beach. I'm like, so what? So you're just planning on, in the middle of work, running out to the beach for five minutes, then coming back in? Is that what her plan is?

[A]

She thinks she's going to. She thinks that tutoring online, she's gonna have a mansion on the beach is what she thinks. She thinks she's gonna walk out the door and be on the beach. You're not. You're not.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, she has this all wrong. And by the way, 10 minute walk to the beach is amazing.

[A]

That's really good.

[B]

A 10 minute walk to the beach.

[A]

It's really good. Listen, if I ever had an HGTV show, it would just be called no and it would Just be me going with people and going, no, but I want to live on the beach for 500amonth. And then it would just cut to me going, no, get a beach. Get it.

[B]

Get a bike. We saw you kayaking with Leah. If you can kayak, you can bike. Okay.

[A]

If you kayak, you can buy ak. You know, get a bike.

[B]

Oh, yeah, get a bike.

[A]

Get a bike.

[B]

Okay, so we get to house number two, and it's one bedroom, one bathroom. It's on the first floor. Has a quote unquote long walk to the beach, but it has a big pool. And Milan's like, stop it. You're gonna play with my emotions. There's a pool in here. They've invented pools in Mexico. I did not know that. This is. This is a very authentic Mexican pool that we're about to see, isn't it?

[A]

This is so authentic. So then they go look at the actual apartment, and it's got that old stone look to it, you know, which I like. I think it's really pretty. Yeah, it's really pretty. And she's like, oh, my God. Adorbs me likey. Hashtag, Adorbs me likey, like, okay.

[B]

And then they walk in. There's like a kitchen. The kitchen's smaller, but it's the. Still relatively. It's relatively cute. It's not as big as the. The last one. But, like, again, those stone walls, I think, are really nice. And there's a. There's like an oven. And she's like, danielle, I see bread in your future. Some authentic white lady bread.

[A]

Hashtag, get your wiener out. And then they go look at the bathroom, and the bathroom's not great. And she's like, well, it's functional, but it doesn't really match the apartment. The rest of the apartment. I see bread and st. And this is just not. This isn't it. And Daniel says, it's old world.

[B]

Just. Yeah, I don't like that.

[A]

Hashtag, I don't like that.

[B]

Yeah. And so then they go out. There's like a garden view terrace, and she's worried that the terrace is really close to a walkway. And then the. The bedroom is. Is large. And she's like, you know, I love those. I love the wall. It's a great wall. Authentic wall. This feels like it's a real wall. But I'm not thrilled that I could, like, perform in front of the wind. I could basically be naked, Danielle, and you could walk by while I'm naked, and I might not even see you, and you could be Standing out that window and you could be looking at me while my breasts are bare to world. The light is catching my areolas just so, and you could see it all.

[A]

And he's like, this is not Amsterdam, ma'. Am. She's like, tell me about it. Been there, done that. Don't need ping pongs back in my life. You're coming over for. For bed later, right? Wiener man?

[B]

Yes, authentic wiener man. So she's like, well, I really like this. I like the bedroom. I'm obsessed with that stove. Oh my God. Have you ever seen a stove like that? I mean, four burners. Hello. And the pool is fantastic, but I am concerned about the size and the privacy. I just feel like I'm just very much on display.

[A]

So he's like, to be honest, her wish is vague. Like she wanted a two bedroom and now she's okay with a one bedroom, but it's not on the beach. So what do you do? Like Daniel, you know, you know Daniel, you know what she wants? She wants a mansion on the beach. Get it for her. She's not being vague. Okay. You're not finding it, Daniel. So they walk the town together and look at the little, you know, street shops and stuff. And he's like, so now that you're in Puerto Vallarta, how does it compare to Seoul? And she's like, well, I've certainly never been proposed to you this quickly anywhere else. It's like, oh, wait, yes, yes, I'll marry you, you moose knuckle dream catcher. Get over here.

[B]

I mean, how does it compare to Seoul? Well, let's see. I. There's not as many adoring fans chasing me everywhere. So that's one thing. That's why I care about privacy. You know, when you've really just like taken an entire country by. By storm with your work on Peninsula. Thank you. It was a great movie. It's hard. It's hard to be just Milan. So I can really, I can be myself here.

[A]

Yeah, it's nice not to be in the industry at the moment.

[B]

You know, it's nice just to be.

[A]

Able to concentrate on a churro without flashbulbs going off all around me.

[B]

You know, I can. I can. I can practice my sides while in public again. That's nice feeling.

[A]

So she's like, you know, I think I'm adventurous, but I don't like change. I used to have a boss who moved staplers on my desk around, and it made me nuts. So I hit him in the head with one of those Staplers. And while he was knocked out, I opened the safe with one of the staples, you know, oddly enough, and just ran like hell. And so that led me to being a film star in Soul. So what were you saying? Moose Knuckle, get over here. Want to sit on my lap? Let me sit on your lap. Okay.

[B]

You know, I can be terribly impatient. You know, it's like. It's like you should just see me in the back of an Uber. It's like, oh, my God, they're catching us. Hurry up. This traffic will not do. Do you not see those sirens behind us? Please hit it. I can be very impatient, you know, it's hard. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's especially traveling with a pet. You know, traveling with a pet and a bag of money that you've stolen from the guy who runs the diner is. Is difficult. But traveling provided me more awareness and understanding. When you break bred with new people, you really understand that there's a world beyond you and where you grew up. Is it cheaper? Sure. Are the stone. Are there more stone walls? Yes. Are you expected to perform sexual shows in front of your window for a discount on rent? Yes. But you know what? That's what brings us together as a world.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, there really is a world beyond you and where you grew up. And allegedly, that world has a beach. I mean, I wouldn't know, though, because I haven't quite seen one yet in this crazy city, but apparently it's around. I don't know. I guess maybe we'll see it someday.

[A]

Hey, I wonder what Linda's thinking. We haven't heard from her in a while. Linda pipes up, and she goes, milan needs to grow the up. Yeah, that's all I'll say about this idiot Milan.

[B]

I mean, Linda just hates her because she hates her, because Milan goes. Like Milan says, it really opens up your eyes that there's a world beyond you. And Lindigo, Linda literally goes, milan needs to open her eyes to the fact that her tiny budget simply isn't going to mesh with her expectations. I was like. Like, this is the most outwardly hostile Linda has ever been.

[A]

No. So Danielle's like, well, at this point, she obviously wants to be close to the beach, but this is the closest. But there's a lack of privacy. You know, this is a real find, though. And she goes, this area is very city.

[B]

And that code, that coded language, it's very city. Like, you can't say authenticity without sort of saying city. So I get it, but it's very city.

[A]

Is there a neighborhood where the people look more like flour tortillas. Okay.

[B]

You know what I'm trying to say here? And then I just like when she says it looks very city. And he goes, yep, because we are. We're a city.

[A]

We're in a city.

[B]

That's where we are. You know, this is the 5th of December neighborhood. Oh, okay, 5th. So you know that Valentine's Day is February 14th, right? Yep. It has nothing to do with the romantic zone, just so you know. Okay. Just wanted to check that out.

[A]

It's like, mm, so this is the May December neighborhood. It's like, no, please. Out. Get your hand off my butt. Okay, okay.

[B]

He's like, okay, since you won't shut up about living on the beach, I'm going to show you a shitty ass place and you'll. You'll shut up about this already. Okay, Are you ready?

[A]

He goes, and also, there's a lot of pet friendly businesses, so that doesn't. Listen, I have a dog and fish now, and I love my pets. I don't really want to live around a bunch of pet stores. You know what I mean? Like, that doesn't sound fun to me. So Milan is talking about having the beaches close. I mean, having it close is appealing. However, I don't want to be in all the action. And from what I'm seeing is I'm in the action here. I just want to be around it, not in it.

[B]

Yeah, so they go into this, into this apartment, and it's got vaulted ceilings, which she likes, and they go to the balcony and we see the street and she's like, it's a little loud. I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is, like, I understand that this is a beach city, and it's a city known for its beaches, and people come primarily for the beaches. But is there a part of the beach city where it's not city on the beach? Is that possible?

[A]

She goes, it's a little loud. And he says, well, let me show you the kitchen. She goes, yeah, let's get out of this noise. Okay, we get it. You know, you think it's loud. So it's modern. They've redone this kitchen and it's, you know, I mean, it's like, quote unquote modern. It's.

[B]

It's like when you're 22 years old, that's like sort of where you, you.

[A]

Know, when you're like, let's put floor tile on the wall. Like, yeah, something there.

[B]

She goes, hey, you know, I love the vaulted ceilings, but I Have never seen an invisible stove before? Oh, never before, Daniel.

[A]

He goes, oh, that's sarcastic. Very. That's good. I love you. She goes, well, I don't hate the kitchen, but I hate that there'. Oven. And when I say hate, I'm gonna emphasize that bit.

[B]

Yeah, good luck to all her students who are on the receiving end of that coldness right there. Okay, so we'll start this lesson again from the top. And if you can't follow along, I'm probably gonna have to kick you out of the program. Emphasis on kick you out of the program.

[A]

Dad. And so she's like, I'm super bummed. For someone who enjoys baking and creating, that's a real letdown. Daniel did not crush the stove. Okay, leave Daniel alone here. So they look at the bathroom. It's a dump. But she, for whatever reason, likes the bathroom. And this one has some roof space.

[B]

Yeah, I don't remember the roof space, but I wrote. Oh, yeah, I said cool roof space. Yeah. Now that I'm remembering it, because as I'm saying it, this is. It has, like, a lot of. That's, like orange tile. What do you call it again?

[A]

Like, I don't know, terracotta?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Like Saltillo tile? I don't know.

[B]

But she's like, I don't know. This feels fairly public, though. I'm like, listen, lady, people are. You think people want to see you in their view?

[A]

I know. Well, it's like this balcony, but there's all these buildings surrounding it, and they're above the balcony. So everybody's, like, looking down on her little outdoor space, which is kind of awkward, but it is city, too, you know? And she's like, well, Leah has space out here, but everyone can see her. You don't want that, Leah. Yeah. Do you want everyone to see you?

[B]

No, dear.

[A]

Doesn't like that.

[B]

Oh, man, look at Leah. I think at this point, Leah's like, get me a bed and let me sleep. She's like, I can't choose. I can't even just choose, woman. And Leo's like, actually, that's the first time you really accurately understood me.

[A]

Yeah. So they go eat at a restaurant to talk. And she's like, puerto Vallarta is about balance. I can enjoy life. I can do some adventures. I can have lots of fun with Leah. Unfortunately, Milan is a delusional poor person, which is even worse than normal poor people, because it's poor people who expect things. Good luck, Milan.

[B]

So house number one has a kitchen to die for. But it's expensive. And then house number two has a great pool and a good kitchen, but it's, it's very close to the beach, but not quite close enough to the beach. And then house number three is noisy, has no oven, has no privacy, is in a loud and dingy part of the city, is cramped, generally terrible. Haunted. They did say a ghost moved in recently. It's actually inauthentic. It's the one inauthentic part of the city. But it is a five minute walk as opposed to a 10 minute walk to the ocean.

[A]

No. So they go over all of these places and at one point he's like, well, that place has the best kitchen. She goes, but chickens. And it's far.

[B]

But chickens. And so then, so then house number one, Amelia, is eliminated. Even though it has the best kitchen, which is arguably the thing that she will use the most since she loves to bake. And then she's like, well, you know, it's just too far from the beach. And you know, the house number three, it's just so much noise and there's no oven. But it does really lend to being spontaneous. Like, you know, you know, if we have to walk 10 minutes to the beach, you have to pack water, you have to get your passport, you have to put on special shoes, you have to alert the authorities. I don't know, that's a lot for me.

[A]

Like. So let's do the beach one. The really noisy one with the balcony I hate and a place I can't do my hobbies. That's what I'd like. And he's like, are you okay with not baking for a while? She's like, you come on over, we'll do plenty of cooking. Big boy.

[B]

It's like, he's like, so the one that's three blocks over, the one that's like four blocks away. Yeah, you got it, you got it. Can't go that, can't go farther than that. Give up bake. I'll give up an oven. She's gonna give up an oven. She's gonna give up an oven. So that way she has a five minute shorter walk to the beach.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not sure she made the right choice here. So she's like, well, it's a good size, so I can entertain. And there's a balcony for Leah to be free. Free range while I'm not home. Don't leave Leah on that balcony while you're not home. Well, who let this woman have a dog?

[B]

That dog would be barking. We've all had the neighbor who leaves the dog on the. On the balcony when they're not home, and that dog gets out there, and then they bark all day long because they're miserable.

[A]

But, you know, she's into it, and she's like, fortunately, it's such a strong community, and I just feel so connected and happy to be delving into my next phase, which is as a pretend doctor.

[B]

I'm going to be opening up a pretend clinic on the pretend beach with my pretend medical license. So if you have any sort of pretend illnesses, I can treat you.

[A]

And that brings us to the end.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What a coup.

[B]

I can't believe it. I can't. I cannot believe she chose that.

[A]

That was the.

[B]

That was by far the worst one. I know it was under budget, but I thought house number two for sure was the best one to choose. It was cute. It had charm. It had the pool, had a decent, like, it had a workable kitchen. It's close to the beach.

[A]

Yeah. Well, she did it. So here's what I say to you. Good luck to you, Dr. Milan libre. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dr. Goddess. Well, everybody, thank you so much for being here. We'll be back in another couple of weeks with another episode. Love you guys. Bye, everyone. Bye.