Dwell Hello #306: Champagne Tastes in Epernay, France

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #306: Champagne Tastes in Epernay, France

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: March 22, 2023
Episode Recap and Summary

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Main Theme

This episode of “Dwell Hello” (a Watch What Crappens spin-off) sees Ben and Ronnie recapping House Hunters International Season 182, Episode 6: "Champagne Tastes in Epernay, France." The hosts gleefully roast the process of a diplomat named Chrissy searching for her dream home in France’s Champagne region, unpacking her quirky preferences, budget issues, and encounters with the town’s vibrant real estate agent, Adrien. As always, the Crappens boys blend affectionate mockery of the show’s formula, colorful character analysis, and riffing on real estate and expat tropes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Locating the “Correct” House Hunters Episode

• [02:58] The hosts discuss the headache of tracking down the right episode due to streaming platforms’ haphazard organization of House Hunters seasons.
• [04:22] “You’ll know you’re watching the right one if you see an older lady in glasses and a bright red beret that matches her jacket... purse... It’s like, if Waldo decided to move on from the hat... This is what you’re looking for.” – Ronnie

2. Introducing the Cast: Chrissy and Adrien

• [05:53] Chrissy: U.S. diplomat, loves yoga, midlife, looking for a home.
• [09:37] Adrien: The memorable, flamboyant, returning real estate agent (“beret lady”)—an American expat who “seems to know everybody she house-hunts for.”

3. Amusing Character Analysis

• The hosts compare Chrissy to Where’s Waldo (“if Waldo moved to Champagne”) and to stop-motion animation, saying she’s almost a caricature.
• [10:32] On Adrien: “She sort of reminds me of a Jewish lady in my family... I think she’s from the Upper West Side, moved to France thirty years ago with her husband Fritz. You know what? Fritz and I are no longer together. But I kept France. That’s just what I did.” – Ben

4. French Culture, Butter & Champagne Digressions

• [11:03] Ben confesses a new passion for French cultured butter and offers a poetic ode to “fresh bread with cultured butter.”
• The hosts riff on classic French stereotypes, Americans in berets, and a running joke about cultured butter—“Have you ever had cultured butter before?” “No, but I love butter. Who enjoys art?” – Ronnie ([11:18])

5. Chrissy’s House Hunt – Needs, Wants, and Red Flags

• [12:28] Chrissy’s "champagne taste" (high standards) versus her apparently middling budget. She wants French charm, yoga space, two bedrooms, and city center location.
• [24:44] She likes the idea of a fixer-upper, but Ben and Ronnie are deeply skeptical: “People who say that just can never do it... Especially in France...” – Ronnie
• Adrien is gently exasperated but determined to help Chrissy.

6. House #1: The Penthouse Bachelor Pad

[$180K, 2 bed, 1 bath, 2 balconies]

• [27:35-31:42]
• Initial excitement dashed by decor: a bed by the front door, fake grass on balcony/bathroom, inexplicably placed hot tub, “crusted jizz on every surface” ([31:06]), and a pool table.
• “This looks like a porn set. This looks like the set of Sketchy Sex or something... frat house porn.” – Ronnie ([29:43])
• Tiny, dreary shoebox windows. Yet, on paper, the price and space are tempting.

7. House #2: The Industrial Champagne Warehouse Loft

[$170K, 3 bed, 1 bath]

• [35:21-38:08]
• Chrissy is put off by exposed hooks and beams (“It’s like your stories of Berlin... Jesus Christ, hang a twink. You do you, everybody!” – Ronnie, [36:32]).
• Furniture is “hideous,” but the place is “move-in ready” and comes fully furnished—something Ben notes as a major selling point for Chrissy’s “cheap” side.
• The hosts dub it “the meat hook house” for its odd S&M-vibe ceiling fixtures.

8. House #3: The Dream Village House (but over budget)

[$250K, 3 bed, 1 bath]

• [42:02-48:06]
• Real French charm: “It’s actually one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen on House Hunters.” – Ben ([42:50])
• Fabulously light-filled, but kitchen is (ironically) ugly and—twist—the sellers are taking it with them.
  • “Is this part of the Smithsonian? ...Are they, like, recreating this house?” – Ben ([47:18])
• Discussion of mortgage realities follows. Ben notes the monthly payment difference would be about $300, arguing “Just get the house! Borrow from Mom Sue! Whatever it takes.” ([44:05])

9. Chrissy’s Internal Struggle

• She’s torn between fear of overspending and desire for her “Nancy Meyers movie” life.
• Ronnie: “You only live once, okay? Go do it. Spend your money. Make bad decisions.” ([45:25])
• Adrien acts as a “French property pusher,” urging Chrissy to stretch to get what she truly wants.

10. The Decision (Spoilers!)

• Chrissy opts for House #2—industrial warehouse—mainly going for practicality, move-in readiness, and price.
• Two months later, she’s made it cute, “moving the furniture into places that make sense” ([55:27]). Ben: “She did a good job... I thought House #3 was just amazing, but House #2 was good and she made it look cute.”
• The hosts lampoon the fickleness of her opinion (“she hated [the warehouse sign], now all of a sudden she likes it—faker!” – Ben, [56:32])
• Revelation/Inside Scoop: Ben and Ronnie explain (at [57:19]) House Hunters is “staged”—buyers have already chosen their home before taping, and the other viewings are for show, often in friends’ apartments.

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Notable Quotes & Superb Moments

• “You’ll know you’re watching the right one if you see an older lady in glasses and a bright red beret...” – Ronnie ([04:22])
• “It’s like, I haven’t seen the new Pinocchio, but I feel like she’s a character in it, you know?” – Ben ([05:51])
• “Her dream is to sit bubbly from a coupe and eat oysters and talk about recipes she read on the NYT Cooking app.” – Ben ([20:23])
• On the penthouse: “There is crusted jizz on every surface—but now I’m standing here thinking this might be the place for me, because I haven’t actually been around crusty jizz in a while. So this could be fun.” – Ben ([31:42])
• On the warehouse loft: “Hang a plant from it... Hang a twink. You do you, everybody.” – Ronnie ([36:32])
• On the über-charming dream house, re: price jump: “That’s almost a 50% increase. That’s crazy.” – Ronnie ([42:23])
• “You only live once, okay? Go do it. Spend your money. Make bad decisions.” – Ronnie ([45:25])
• “She just wants free. She’s cheap, okay? ...She finds out that she’s going to get furniture and mattresses—she’s into this.” – Ben ([38:08])
• On House Hunters fakery: “They already have the place. Everything else is just fakery... The places that they don’t pick are the ones that are furnished because they’re just renting for a day.” – Ronnie ([57:22])

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Time-Stamped Highlights

• [03:35]: Why finding the right House Hunters episode is harder than it should be
• [04:22]: Who to look for to spot the right episode
• [09:37]: Adrien, the familiar House Hunters agent, gets introduced
• [12:28]: Chrissy’s requirements and “champagne taste on a beer budget” joke
• [27:35-31:42]: House #1 tour and their reactions
• [35:21-38:08]: House #2 tour, the infamous hooks, Chrissy’s “thriftiness”
• [42:02-48:06]: House #3 tour: charm, kitchen twist, and budget anxiety
• [55:09]: The reveal—Chrissy chooses House #2, makes it her own
• [57:19]: Exposing how House Hunters is filmed

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Style & Tone

Ben and Ronnie are irreverent, sharp-tongued, and genuinely affectionate about the show and characters. There’s a mix of playful shade, pop-culture references, running bits on bread, butter, balloons, and booze, and organic, chatty digressions that showcase the duo’s comedic chemistry.

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Conclusion

In typical Crappens fashion, the episode is a hilarious, loving roast of House Hunters International, highlighting the quirks of American expats, absurdities in the real estate process, and reality TV behind-the-scenes fakery. Through their comedic rapport and sparkling banter, Ben and Ronnie turn an ordinary House Hunters episode into a laugh-filled romp across Champagne country—with plenty of side orders of butter and yoga.

Transcript

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[A]

Acast.com. Ding dong ding ding. Hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, it's Ronnie and Ben from Watch what Crappens. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Banoons.

[B]

Hi, Ronnie, how are you?

[A]

Great. It's one of my favorite days of the by week. Yeah. Dwell hello day Doing a little Dwell. Hello. Dwell hello is a podcast dedicated to House hunters, all sorts of House hunters. We. I don't think we've done a House Hunters remodel yet. We mostly stick to House Hunters America and House Hunters International.

[B]

Eh, eh. We once did, I think, a House Hunters tiny home. And that was really funny. We should do one of those again. Do you remember that? Yeah, it was like a gay in Palm Springs.

[A]

Yes. Oh, my God. And that was so sad because we just felt like that's where we're gonna be shipped off to die. It's like just crinkly old gay guys just shriveled up and sent, you know, with the last of our savings to some tiny home in P.S.

[B]

Girl. We'll be like Meryl and Goldie at the end of death becomes her. Just two heads in tiny houses.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Well, thanks for bringing this down because that's literally the most depressing thing I ever sat through. But this one is not depress. This is. Oh, God, why am I on Top Chef notes? Okay, that's not where we need to be.

[B]

Did you mean to send Padma to House Hunters?

[A]

Well, I'm sorry, it's champagne taste. Of course. I thought you were talking about Me. So this episode is called Champagne Tastes in Epernay France. And it's House Hunters International Season 182, Episode 6. And we found this on YouTube TV. Now, just to give this at the beginning of every show as we do, these are so hard to find because every network they're on labels them differently. Okay? So there's not a Dewey decimal system of organization in this world. People just put shit wherever they want to.

[B]

It's true. And I just want to say it's not that it's hard to find. You'll be able to find it easily. It's just that it's not uniformly classified. So if you go to Discovery plus, it's like literally labeled as something else. And for some reason they organize the House Hunter seasons into collections. So that's why we're always saying where we found it. But the easiest thing to do is whatever platform you're using, just type in the name of the episode and it will almost always show up. So again, it is. What is it? Champagne tasting.

[A]

Champagne tastes. Champagne France. Not to confused with budget.

[B]

Hey, I'm gonna sue there. I'm gonna sue her.

[A]

Yeah. There is another episode called Champagne Taste with it with a sparkling wine budget or something.

[B]

I saw that there was another one. I almost clicked on it.

[A]

Yeah. So don't get that one. Okay. And you'll know you're watching the right one if you see an older lady in glasses and a bright red beret that matches her. Right. Bright red jacket, which matches her bright red purse.

[B]

It's almost like if Waldo decided to move on from the hat and maybe like re examine different sides of his personality. Like, this is sort of. This is what you're looking for.

[A]

It's sort of me like when I moved away when I was a kid and moved to New York. A kid. Eight, 18, but I moved. I mean, that is a kid, comparatively. I'm. I'm that old guy in Palm Springs now. But back then I went to New York and I came back to El Paso to visit and I was like, I'm from New York, so I wear berets now and ear clips. You know, like those little ear rim clip things you wear instead of getting pierced. It was like a little guy clip crawling up my ear. I'm like, that's a man crawling up my ear to get to my beret. Because I'm cool.

[B]

So, yeah, it's the most desirable chapeau one could have. My earring is in love with my hat.

[A]

Free love. Yeah. So to me, it's Very. Like, when I see Americans in America wearing a berets, I'm a little horrified. When I see Americans in France wearing berets. I just has the French people are supposed to be the most upfront in the world. Has nobody just said, no, not for you, stupid?

[C]

No.

[B]

I feel like the French way would be just to smile and be like, look at stupid over there. Stupid American coming over to champagne region. Yeah, but you know, this lady also, and she seems actually so nice. I feel like I would totally be friends with her. And I know I say that all the time. I don't know why I have this fixation about determining which people I watch on TV I'd be friends with, but I really do feel like I'd be friends with her. But she sort of looks like. She almost looks like a stop. A stop frame animation of herself or stop motion animation. Right. Like, if someone. It's like, I haven't seen the new Pinocchio, but I feel like she's a character in it, you know?

[A]

Oh, my God. Speaking of the new Pinocchio, what the fuck is that? Okay, I was watching the Oscars the other day, as many of us were, and they were showing the best animated nominees, and that new Pinocchio showed up. Do we need a new Pinocchio? Do we need a scarier, weirder version of Pinocchio? It's already about a child with a. With a boner on his nose. Okay. Do we need to make this creepier? No, thank you, Guillermo. Guillermo.

[B]

It's already about, like a privileged brat who lies and then winds up going off to some real, like, sickening island that turns little boys into donkeys. Like, it's a fucked up story. And then whale all the way. This whale is starving in the ocean and he's like, you know what? I see a brat. I'm gonna eat this brat. And the whale eats the brat as well. Geppetto too, because he's like, I see this creator of this brat. I'm gonna eat something because, no, I haven't eaten in a while. And then all of a sudden, we're supposed to be angry at the whale. And Ale's just trying. The whale's just trying to survive.

[A]

Yeah, let the whale live.

[B]

Yeah, let the well live for crying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what? So wrong. A whale eats a. It's a. It's Geppetto and his creation. So wrong.

[A]

Yeah, but this one is gonna be. Because it's Guillermo. Guillermo. What is wrong with me? And so they're going. It's going to be like Real weird creatures with, like, octopus arms as their face, you know? But Pinocchio, I mean, I don't know. Keep digging. Keep. Dig deeper, Guillo. Okay.

[B]

Either way, this lady Chrissy sort of gives me sort of like Where's Waldo meets Stop Motion.

[A]

That's Adrian for it. That's Adrian the real estate lady, right?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm. Chrissy gives me that, too.

[A]

Oh, Chrissy you're talking about. Yes, Chrissy is. Well, where's Waldo? She does. Look, I didn't get it. I was like, I don't. You know, Adrienne. Is it because she's in red? I thought you were saying because Adrian was in red and she had a bonjour hat. But, yeah, Chrissy is definitely worse.

[B]

Waldo.

[A]

And she.

[C]

Which is my favorite voice, because my landlord in Los Angeles and West Hollywood, Lucy, she would talk like this. She would say, honey, she'd be.

[A]

Because my door was always open because I used to smoke a lot. And she would look in there and.

[C]

Go, honey, that's a lot of computers running, a lot of wires running against your wall. You could blow out the electricity to the entire place. I'm not kidding.

[B]

And I do want to just clarify one thing. I do feel like I would be friends with Adrian, too. So, like, that comment still stands. I'll be friends with everyone on House.

[A]

I'll be friends with Adrian, too. We've seen Adrian. Chrissy. I wouldn't. Chrissy, I'd be like, stop talking about your childhood. You're 60. But Adrian I would be friends with because we've seen.

[B]

She's like, literally 42, you wretched old hag.

[A]

Okay. Just, like, spiritually. You're 60. Like, get over it.

[B]

That's why I like her. I feel like we would just, like, sit and drink champagne, and she'd make me feel sophisticated.

[A]

Yeah, well, she would make me feel sophisticated, too, in comparison. Eh? So I'm kidding.

[B]

Chrissy.

[A]

Chrissy, if you're listening to this, please stop.

[B]

So you're too nice to listen to this?

[A]

Yeah. So Adrian I like, because we know Adrian from another episode of House Hustles International. And it is when a big bear gay man from America moves to France and becomes cabaret star because he wants to believe in himself. And, you know, beret lady helps him believe in herself. She says, if I can get away with beret, you can get away with terrible off key singing Papua. Let's go.

[B]

Yeah, Adrian. Yeah. It was a great episode. And I believe we saw her on another one. I don't remember which one? But this is definitely, like, the third time. And what's great is she sort of reminds me of, like, a. Like, a Jewish lady in my family. Like, I think I'm related to her, and I think that she's, like, from New York. I'm pretty sure she's from, like, the Upper west side and moved to France, like, 30 years ago with her husband because he had a job out there. And she just stayed because she loved it. And you know what? Fritz and I are no longer together. But I kept France. That's just what I did.

[A]

I think he died. I think he died in France.

[B]

The point remains. Fritz and I are no longer together. That's what I tell.

[A]

Why do we need to go to France? We got everything we need here, right here in New York. We don't have everything here. We don't have French people. Are you talking with the French accent? I can't with it. All right, I'll trust you, but it's only going to be six months. And then they got there, and he tasted the butter for the first time and realized how special France is. And then he just wouldn't stop with the butter until he was dead. And then, you know, now look there.

[B]

Can I say something about butter? Actually, speaking of French things and butter, the other day, I actually did buy a French baguette. I must have just known we would be doing a French episode, because I was, like, already in the spirit. And I bought some cultured butter from the supermarket. Have you ever had cultured butter before?

[A]

No, but I love butter. Who enjoys art?

[B]

It was. It was just butter in the shape.

[A]

Of Adrian, but no little beret butter.

[B]

Yeah. They do something to it. It's, like, cultured, I guess. I don't know what this back to. I don't. Oh, my God. It was heaven. Heaven. Just fresh bread. With that cultured butter, like, literally, I could die. It was so wonderful. So I have to give a hearty recommendation. Maybe for some people, like Ben. Hello. Culture butter has been around forever. I know it has.

[A]

Bread and butter is the best in general. I mean. Yeah. But I'm gonna try it with this cultured butter.

[B]

Yeah. Because, like, I've had cultured butter a few years ago, and it was, like. It was good. But this time, I was, like. I was at a place in my life where I could really accept cultured butter into my life, and now I'm, like, obsessed.

[A]

Ah, yum. Well, I love some bread and butter, so bonjour. That's how the episode begins. And Padma Linda, the Narrator is like. After years of traveling the world as a diplomat, Chrissy dreams of finding roots in Epernay, the heart of French wine country.

[C]

I want to find a place that feels like home, like France.

[B]

Oh, well, I do hope you find a place that feels like France because you're going to be in France, so that should work out pretty easily.

[A]

I love.

[B]

What is this? Why do we Americans do this? We just saw this when someone went to Mexico. Like, I just want a place that really feels like Mexico. I'm like, you're in Mexico.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're literally. But this first time home buyer may have to rein in her champagne taste and her boring ass blouse.

[A]

Don't worry though. We still won't teach her about conditioner. Spoiler alert.

[B]

But the good people of Epernay France have a treat in store for them. A new lady who can't stop doing yoga around every corner of this city.

[A]

So we see them popping champagne together. Because this is one of Adrian's friends. You know, I love also that Adrian seems to know everybody that she's the house hunter for.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

She's just that kind of gal. She's like, I'm your friend. Your friend Adrien. You know, the one with the beret, the fun time girl, the one that went with you to piano bars where you were looking for houses. She's that person until you actually get the house and then suddenly she's not calling you back. She already made her commission. You know, you're like, wait a minute. This doesn't feel like France, not without Adrian.

[B]

And then you go to her office and it's just like an empty room. You're like, did she ever even exist? People are like, look at the crazy American talking to herself while she toys open houses.

[A]

It's just a man named Fritz running a butter store. You're like, wait a minute. I thought Fritz died.

[B]

A butter store. You told me Butter club. That's what it's called, Butter club. First rule of Buttercup Dong.

[A]

Talk about butterclub.

[B]

Dung, dung, dung, dung.

[A]

So we are in Epernay France, and Chris is showing us a big balloon in the center of town.

[B]

This fucking balloon.

[A]

This fucking balloon right here.

[C]

We are at Ebony's Balloon, the best view of the vineyards in the city.

[B]

I mean, that's cute and all, but it feels like a total tourist trap. And of course, she goes up in this balloon to look at vineyards from above. Listen. I mean, it's nice. It's nice. In the era of Instagram, you get some nice aerial shots. I Guess through a balloon. That balloon is creepy to me because that. To me, the entire show, that balloon is just, like, hovering over. Because it doesn't go anywhere. It just goes up and then down. And it just feels like a weird surveillance. Like, I feel like I'm being watched.

[A]

It's always up. It's always up because we see it later. It's. It's always up in the air. It is creepy. It's like being watched by the aliens, you know?

[B]

Yeah. In this era of, like, Chinese weather balloons floating over our heartland.

[A]

Hey, what even happened to that? Why do we never hear anything about that anymore? I guess they shut him down.

[B]

You can't have these balloons. You can't have, like, whimsical balloons, you know, anywhere in America, because we'll just shoot every balloon down.

[A]

Yeah. Thanks, China. Thanks for ruining the balloon culture.

[B]

Cultured butter, if you will.

[A]

Yeah. Also, France, you gave us a Statue of Liberty. That was so sweet. I think it's time to return the favor. Here's a drone, okay? It cost me $69. Fucking Best Buy.

[B]

You gave us a Statue of Liberty, and we give you Chrissy. So Chriss.

[A]

Even Stevens.

[B]

So Chrissy's like, I've been visiting Epernay for years, and I first came here on a whim because I was trying to discover champagne. And from the second.

[A]

You're an alcoholic, okay? And I know you shouldn't judge anybody else's drinking, but that's some alcoholic shit right there.

[B]

And from the second that I walked out of the train station, I was in love. It's like a postcard. Scenic buildings, gorgeous streets. A creepy surveillance balloon masking itself as a tourist attraction.

[C]

Here we are airborne. Oh, my God. I'm gonna do some yoga. Tree pose.

[A]

Oh, my God, this woman fell again.

[B]

Oh, God. Yoga. American. Coming back onto our balloon. Maybe we should cancel this surveillance program.

[A]

So she tells us her story. She's like, I was born in the States. And to prove it, we see a picture of her doing yoga. I don't. It's not in front of an American flag or anything. It's just a picture of her doing random yoga.

[B]

Every picture of her. This entire show is her doing yoga. And so she's like, I work in the Department of State as a diplomat.

[A]

Chinese air balloons. Chinese air balloons. Chinese weather balloons.

[B]

I'm just imagining people, like, running into embassies, like, being chased by, like, soldiers. And she's in there doing tree pose, like, oh, hi. Can I help you?

[C]

Down, dog.

[A]

Excuse me. Down, dog.

[C]

So it's yoga It'll make you feel better.

[B]

So she's like, so my, my most recent job had me in Beirut, Lebanon. And then again, another photo of her doing yoga poses in Lebanon.

[A]

What is she gonna do, a great tree pose with a dolma? Like, what does this have? Anything.

[B]

And I also worked in Jamaica and Russia and Israel and Japan and the Central African Republic. I'm like, wow, they couldn't get enough of you. They just kicked you around. Kicked you around like a Hacky Sack John.

[A]

No kidding. This really. I'm, I'm a. Anybody who's new to the show. I'm like a die alone kind of a person. And I think this just goes to show you, like, some people are just meant to be single. I mean, you've been to that many places and you're still single, girl. It's meant to be around the world, actually. Inspiring.

[B]

Yeah. She's been around the world and I, I, I, I can't find my yoga pose.

[A]

So she calls mom and she tells us she's on a year of sabbatical, so she's using this time to find an actual home. Right? So her mom's like, be sure you have two guest rooms ready, Mom.

[C]

I have to have a guest room for you? Is that what you're telling me? So I get better believe it.

[B]

There's no way these two are related. Like, this was, this was someone who was hired off of Craigslist, right? This mom. So, like, this lady, you know, she's sort of, you know, she just sort of looks like a, you know, she's.

[A]

She looks like a Sue.

[B]

What are you talking about? The mom or Chrissy?

[A]

The mom.

[B]

The mom.

[A]

She looks like a Sue. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

She has like this big blonde Suzanne Summers hair. She's like, like, hi, I'm here down rural Virginia. She's, you know, talking like that. And then like, her daughter's doing yoga and has, like, sophisticated and sipping champagnes, and her mom's just like, hi. Wheel of Fortune's about to come on, so let's make this quick.

[A]

Yeah. And her mom also looks so young. I wonder if they meant mom in quotes. Like maybe it's her name. Maybe somebody, you know, it's West Virginia. Maybe somebody named her kid Mom. You never know.

[B]

It's short for Mom. Mom. Man. Not my man. Mom. Mama.

[A]

Lane.

[B]

Mom. Season.

[A]

We call her mom for short. So Chrissy.

[B]

Not season, but we call her Mom.

[A]

Chrissy's like, I can't believe I'm taking.

[C]

A. I'm talking about buying an apartment in France. I Was raised in a family where mom and dad worked two jobs just to make ends meet. And now I'm at a place where I've saved enough. I know what my dream is, and I can actually afford to do it.

[A]

Your dream is to fucking be drunk on champagne, Go to Trader Joe's. You can afford to do it for the rest of your damn life. And congrats to you, okay? But let's not pretend France is your dream. When it's alcohol, we all know. I see you, Chrissy.

[B]

Her dream is to sit bubbly from a coop and eat oysters and talk about recipes she read on the New York Times cooking app. So basically she's like. Like, I just aspire to be here. Okay. I want Chrissy. Is my goal. Okay?

[A]

Yeah, Chrissy's goals. For sure.

[B]

Chrissy's my goals. Yeah. So she goes out now, she meets Adrian, and she's dressed in mustard, which is appropriate because Adrian's dressed in ketchup. And so they're. They're giving a big American condiment energy to this beautiful French town, which is.

[A]

You know, that it does make sense because Chrissy does give off potato energy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm not. And of course, mustard is not a. An American thing. It's just that Chrissy's really giving, like, the sort of bright yellow mustard that I think we really embrace.

[A]

Right? She's giving. She's giving French's mustard, which is American, even though French is.

[B]

She's like. She's like. It's really important for me for my, like, for my personality to show through my condiments.

[A]

I support France by wearing French mustard.

[B]

Well, not French mustard. Just French is.

[A]

Oh, America. So Adrian's very. Adrian with a red beret. She's like, darling, thank you for meeting me at this station.

[B]

I was having a tough day because this is the 15 year anniversary of when Fritz died from cultured butter.

[A]

I haven't been able to concentrate because this horrible bear keeps calling me and singing show tunes into his voice messages. It's very annoying.

[B]

Is a cocaine bear, actually, which is startling.

[A]

What is cocaine bear?

[B]

Cocaine bears. This movie about, like, Pinocchio.

[A]

Is that the new Pinocchio?

[B]

It's the new pin. It's a metaphor.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

No, it's like. I think the premise of it is that, like, drug dealers. There's like a plane crash that has like. There's like the plane has. Or something happens where there's like a huge. A huge amount of cocaine that gets ejected into a forest and a bear finds it and Eats all the cocaine and goes on this, like, rampage.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yes. Bear.

[B]

Yeah. And then the. And then, like, there are people camping and they're being terrorized by this cocaine bear. And it's directed by Elizabeth Banks, of all people.

[A]

You know, Elizabeth Banks has a super interesting career. I'm going to tell you one thing, that little lady makes it happen, okay? She finds stuff. She produces stuff. I mean, talk about a hustler. She's everywhere, that one.

[B]

She's the Adrian of film.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, truly. So Adrian tells us Eponay is considered the capital of champagne. Most of the big houses or mansions or you know what? Champagne. Guess what else here, Champagne is located here as well. That's why, you know. There you go.

[B]

Yeah. All the big maisons do champagne are located here. So I like when she was like. Christy was like, thanks for meeting me in Epernay. This is amazing. She goes, piece of cake is the thing that really killed Fritz. They say.

[C]

Well, I really appreciate you being here. I want to live in that castle across the street. And guess what got. I've got 10American dollars. Read them and weep, honey.

[B]

Make it rain. Okay, I'm gonna pick up the rain now.

[A]

So know what?

[B]

The real estate market in Eponay is tough because the urban exodus has been happening over the past couple of years, and so many people moved out of the cities like this dumb broad. So there are very few properties on the market. Okay, so tell me what you want, Chrissy. Let me guess.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

French charm. You want baguettes, and you want some escargot embedded into your walls, Right?

[A]

And you want to stand on one foot. I don't get it.

[C]

Tree pose.

[A]

Do you love that? I only know, like two yoga poses. Sorry, that's all. I can reference this entire episode.

[B]

What's this thing you're doing? Croissant pose. Oh, okay. You're really adopting the culture.

[A]

Yeah, that's how Fritz died. So Christy's like, well. Or Chrissy is like, charm.

[C]

I don't like modern. Ideally a two bedroom, one bath. Oh, a yoga room. I want a yoga room.

[B]

I know. And she's like. And I also want to be central. So I like that.

[A]

Adrian actually said that. She goes, oh, and can I assume you want to be central? I've been on house hunters long enough to know this one.

[B]

Honey, listen, after you've helped a big, tall, cabaret bear find a place in Nice, you get used to what the demands are.

[C]

Yeah, I have some old Cabbage Patch dolls I would like to trade for the home. So work Your magic.

[A]

So you've come to France with $5 and you want a mansion. Good luck. Good luck.

[B]

Yeah. She's like, well, it may be difficult to find something that's charming old world in the center of Epernay that doesn't need revisions and also has a roof, so good luck, honey.

[C]

Well, I prefer doing renovations because I can make it into what I want now.

[A]

Well, people who say that just can never do it. And I always worry for them, because renovation, renter, rent, that's like Jeremy Renner renovations. It's very difficult to do renovations, okay, Chrissy, you're not just. Especially in France, okay? It's not easy. We saw girlfriends in Paris. They wouldn't even come fix that girl's fridge.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

If you live in a place named after alcohol, nobody's showing up.

[B]

No one's showing up, okay? And if they do show up, that balloon is gonna report them to the police. Okay? It's, like, probably against the code, like, ah, someone's. Someone not on strike. But also, I just love the idea of, like, I really want French charm, but I also want to renovate. It's like. Well, I feel like renovate implies renovating. Charm into modern stuff. Right? Am I crazy?

[A]

Well, I think renovating can be, like, a slab of, you know, just some fresh paint on an old stone wall. I'm taking it. I mean, I don't know.

[B]

You're probably right. Maybe, like, electricity or air conditioning, like, you can keep the charm but have, like, air conditioning. That's nice.

[A]

Yeah, but it's scary. Well, I don't know that there's air conditioning there. I don't have it.

[B]

There's, like, no air conditioning because, I don't know, later on, there were some fans that made it into the shot and then all of a sudden disappeared because they're like, oh, don't shut the Fans.

[A]

We have A.C. yeah. We don't want judgy Americans turning channel because there's no AC on their tv.

[B]

I know. So Adrian's like, well, I'm concerned that Chrissy wants something that's typical French charm. And, like, we might not find it, because, for one thing, this place was destroyed during World War II, okay? I mean, this is. This is. This place was basically a field after that show. Okay? So it was just a bunch of contemporary buildings, but this American dum dum thinks she's gonna find some sort of charm here.

[A]

Yeah. And she's like, I know this isn't charming now, Chrissy, okay?

[C]

But we are by my favorite square king and Queen Square. Oh, my God. I live by the queen.

[A]

So they go, look at this place. And house one is a penthouse with two bedrooms, one bath, and two balconies.

[B]

And it's $180,000 right on her budget, which is insane.

[A]

I'm moving, first of all. Bye.

[B]

I know. I mean, I would. I would move to the Champagne region if. For that. For that amount of money.

[A]

Hello. Me too. And I would just take. So I would feel so powerful, like going out there and being like, oh, have vodka. I don't drink champagne.

[B]

You would just move to the Champagne Valley just to neg them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you have Prosecco?

[A]

Yeah. You might want to stop eating bread and butter. Oh, my God. Cultured butter especially. Gross.

[B]

Do you have any bubbly from, like, I don't know, the Portland region?

[A]

Do you have any San Pellegrino?

[B]

Do you just have Pepsi? Do you have crystal Pepsi with just like a splash of apple juice? So it looks like champagne? So they go to this place. It's like a. It's like a building from the 80s. It looks like an apartment building from the 80s. Two bed, two bath, penthouse, two balconies, $180,000 so far on paper. Sounds pretty damn amazing. And then they open the door.

[A]

It's not. It is hideous. Okay. There's a bed right next to the front door in the living. And then there's fake grass out on.

[B]

The balcony and in the bathroom, which has no. Which has no door.

[A]

Yes. And they've. They haven't even installed it. Like, they bought a hot tub kind of thing and put it in the bathroom, but I don't even think it's correctly installed. It's like they've just got a hose hooked up to it, and it's just kind of sitting there freestanding in the bathroom.

[B]

And there's like a billiards table. Right? It's like in the middle of the room. So it's basically like you walk in, there is a bed, and the bed also has like a built in behind it with like, with Edison bulbs. It's almost like a hotel setup, but it's a bed, which maybe this is being used as a hotel.

[A]

So this is being used as a. Just Airbnb. Okay. This. This looks like a porn set. This looks like the set of like, Sketchy Sex or something. It's like, not. It's like frat. It's like frat house porn. It really.

[B]

It does sort of look like that. And the thing is, because there's that built in, it's not like you can just take out that bed and put a sofa there because it's like a weird headboard with lights on it, you know?

[A]

And then, so weird.

[B]

So I'm like, in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, is this some weird studio apartment? So they walk in and Chrissy's like, I walk in the door, I see a pool table, I see a bed, fake grass. I don't see any yoga mats, I don't see any yoga blocks. I'm thinking, I gotta get out of here.

[A]

Forget everything, honey. Just look straight out and see the rays and mountains, okay? It's cause I'm standing in front of you. Okay, do it again. Now you just see views, okay? You're not buying the pool table and the couch. You only care about the bones. Okay? Those are my bones. You don't need to touch my bones.

[C]

Sorry, I was just getting really into it. You really had me going there.

[B]

Just look at the views. Just look out there. Adrian, you have a little red dot on your forehead. Did you look at the balloon? Don't look at the balloon.

[A]

Now isn't this what you were dreaming about? It has a spa. Okay, now listen, you weren't dreaming of a two person whirlpool in your bathroom. Listen, it's clearly a bachelor pet. But when you look past the dried up sperm on the walls, you see, you see a view. You don't see the stuff. And Chrissy's like, see the view, See the view.

[B]

Look, look, there's some tiny windows. So they go in. And there's actually bedrooms. So this is where I was surprised. I was like, wait, so it's not a studio? There are actual bedrooms, but I guess they're so small that they decided just to have the bedroom in the living room. And the bedrooms have these small rectangular like shoebox windows. And she's like, look, look at the beautiful view. Can see the tippy top of a hill out there. Look at it. Just get on your. Get on your toes. You see the hill? It's beautiful, right?

[A]

Meanwhile, the wallpaper is literally falling off the walls in all of the. I mean, this place is really sad now. Then again, it's $180,000, you know, so yeah, what can you do?

[B]

And Chrissy's like trying to convince herself. She's like, well, at first glance it was hard for me to imagine the possibility because, you know, there is crusted jizz on every surface. But now I'm standing here thinking this might be the place for me because I haven't actually been around crusty Jizz in a while. So this. This could be fun.

[A]

Yeah. She looks terrified, and she's like, you.

[C]

Could have given me a heads up.

[A]

And Adrian's like, nah, it's been too much fun watching ya. So next up, Chrissy is like, I.

[C]

First came to a perna six years ago, and I've been here 10 times since then. And people say, why a perne? And the story is simple. Champagne. I want to discover champagne. I also think about people I've met here, because everyone starts to know you. Because it's a small town, I feel nervous because I've been, you know, traveling, so. Oh, I'm too stupid to say this word. Ben, what is it?

[B]

Well, itinerant. I've been an itinerant for so long that I'm not sure what it looks like to be in one place. I mean, this is a big investment. The one known is how much I love it here around the champagne, which I've now discovered.

[C]

I wasn't really sure if I was going to like it here until I was looking at that last apartment, and a random guy came in and gave me a blowjob.

[B]

Which is odd for many different reasons.

[C]

He didn't even tell me his name. He just zipped up and left. But I understand how the walls got so crispy.

[B]

So she's like. We're seeing her while she's having this entire discussion. First, we see her having tasting champagne with a random lady named Diane, who she probably conned into being this. She's like, hi, can you be in a. Can you be in a TV show with me? She's like, what's your name? Oh, my name is Jacqueline. Could you just say your name's Diane?

[A]

It's for America, okay?

[C]

It's a big one. In America. Everyone loves a Diane.

[B]

And she's, like, going into a seller with, like, a Judith Ivy type. And so she's, like, wandering around there. She's like, oh, look at this seller. You want to see this seller? Lady American.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And she's like, I love the community here.

[A]

I was like, yeah, because they're salespeople. They have to be nice to you. Yeah. I remember I used to go to Runyon Canyon back in the day when I was a waiter, and people would be like, oh, my God, it's Ronnie. Hey, we just ate over at your house place last Friday. I'd be like, don't speak to me, please. Like, how dare you? Of course, when you're my customer, I'm like, oh, my God. How are they kids? How's Everything. Tell me everything. Are you into breaks, Berets? Yes or no? But in public, I'm like, don't fucking speak to me. How dare you?

[B]

Yeah. So now Adrian's like, okay, babe, all right. So you met Judith Ivey down in the cellar. Great. So you have to realize the market is really tight around here, okay? Because, you know. And because you've traveled all over the world. You know what you want a foundation? You want a base. A home. That's what Fritz said. But then again, Fritz died anyway. You're right.

[C]

I do want a base.

[A]

No, I meant you need some base. Here's some. It's a stick. Just rub it on your face. It'll do you a world of good.

[B]

Is that just cultured butter? It is.

[A]

You find a man like Fritz, he'll never stop following you around. Trust me.

[B]

This is what they use for makeup in France. Butter and flour.

[A]

And the jelly from inside the jelly donut, which is American, you know, it's appropriation, but still. So now you might notice, this is the apartment I told you about. There was a warehouse. And look, you can see the sign up there.

[B]

So.

[C]

Whoa. I can't really tell what. They were so ubid American.

[B]

Oh, home. I don't get that. So it's house two. It's in a wine warehouse. It's three bedrooms, one bath. Bath. Two floor. It's on the second floor. It's moving.

[A]

Ready?

[B]

It's in the quote unquote industrial style. And it's actually $170,000. So it's 10,000 less than the first one. It's actually. And under her budget, too.

[A]

Yeah. And. Well, her version of charm. In a warehouse. But the fact is, this is a town made up of champagne warehouses. And that is its charm. Okay, Listen. It's why you go. You go to a town called U Haul and you're gonna end up living in somebody boxes. That's his job. Okay, Stop your complaining, you idiot.

[B]

So they walk in and it's like a big open space, and there's like a lot of light and there's some beams. And, like, some of the beams have hooks. And she's really bothered by the hooks. Okay?

[A]

Wouldn't you be? I mean, they're crazy. It's like your stories of Berlin. It's like, welcome to my apartment. And you see hooks on the ceiling, like, Jesus Christ.

[B]

Plant. Hang a plant from it. Hang some bulbs. I don't know.

[A]

Hang a twink. You do you, everybody.

[B]

Yeah. So Chrissy's like, wow. Well, I was hoping the inside would look a lot better than the outside, you know? And, like. Well, honey, enough about your dating history, okay?

[C]

Well, there's metal beams, but I can't do yoga. Look, I'm doing a yoga, Bones.

[B]

I know. Everything is about this freaking yoga pose. So Chrissy's like, so, what's the deal with this furniture? And just it stays like. Like the caretaker of a haunted house. You cannot remove that. It stays.

[A]

Who's going to take it? It's hideous. It's terrible furniture. It's so ugly. And Chris is like, well, that part is tempting. You don't deserve a cute, charming place in frank France, if that's what you call tempting. Okay, you have no taste. Go back. Go back to wherever you're from, ma'. Am.

[B]

She's like, yeah, I mean, it's tempting to walk in here with a suitcase and start my life in here on a. With a. With a hook. I mean, I've been told, like, there's a life in hooking. I just didn't really think it was so literal.

[A]

And she gets a free bed, too, so she's all excited about that. And then she finds out she gets another free bed. And this is when I knew Chrissy's cheap ass was gonna pick this place. Yeah, because she just wants free. She's cheap, okay? She's a cheap person. And she finds out that she's gonna get furniture and mattresses. She's into this.

[B]

Yeah. And Adrian's like, good mattresses, good bathroom. Do you know what I'm saying, honey?

[C]

Good mattresses.

[B]

So then they go into the bat. This bathroom is beautiful. It's, like, gorgeous. Spa shower. And of course, the first thing Chrissy does is do yoga poses inside the shower. She goes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

So Chrissy's like, I'm tempted, but I'm not feeling at all. I'm not, like, in love with this industrial building. And I hope she's gonna show me that French charm I'm looking for.

[A]

And then they cross the street. Someone's like, get the out of the world. This stupid American.

[B]

I know. I'm like, just go outside. That's where the French charm is. It doesn't have to be everywhere. So then she's like. Chrissy's like, okay, well, walk me back to the meat hook so we can talk about this. It's just like, okay, listen, you want to entertain in here with all your zero friends? This would be perfect. There's room for zero people to be in here.

[A]

Look, two people can fit on this couch. You are Gonna have parties like nobody's seen in this neighborhood.

[B]

Listen, I know the guy who did the cardboard cutouts for Home Alone. He can set you up, and you can put them on train tracks. I could look like you're having a big party in here.

[C]

Oh, I can also do yoga. Adrian, want to do a little yoga in the park?

[A]

No, I don't. Don't do yoga. Cut to Adrian and her red beret in the park going, God, I hate yoga. Doing yoga.

[B]

And in the background, you hear.

[A]

As.

[B]

The balloon hovers overhead and takes pictures.

[A]

There's all these pictures of Adrian bending over in her red beret all over the black. The black Internet or whatever you call it. The dark web.

[B]

The dark web. All being transmitted to, like, a secret agency in France. They potentially are spies.

[C]

They're like, wow, Adrian, you're doing the warrior pose.

[A]

I was like, I am a warrior. You know, some producer somewhere is like, that's why we get Adrian back every time.

[B]

Yeah. So then Chrissy says, I am a yoga fanatic. Oh, really? I was not aware. Sharing yoga with other people is a pretty wonderful experience. And I'm really looking for balance, pun included, because another part of this decision definitely came from what my life has been like for the past few years. I mean, obviously, things were really intense in Lebanon because, you know, from the revolution to the explosion, it just started to make me realize you have to grab hold of life and do yoga poses in different places. Yeah.

[A]

Especially when you find something you love. So Adrian is telling us, you know, she really loves, loves. She wants to make a home here because of the community she's found. I mean, she hasn't been able to stop talking about the store clerks who are kind to, you know, the. The handy men who have always been kind, the men who work the balloon. Always very, very nice to her.

[B]

Yeah, she's been really trying to work her charm with the balloon guys. I don't have the heart to tell her, but, you know, the other team, you know what they say about balloon men? They're lighting the loafers for a reason.

[A]

And, God, it's only a matter of time before they blow. Am I right?

[B]

You can't put heavy, loafered people on a balloon, okay?

[A]

And listen, there's not much property on the market. Most of the people haven't paid their rent in years. But you know how hard it is to get an alcoholic to move. They won't do it, okay?

[B]

So she's like, you know what? I'm going to show this bitch a property full of charm and it's going to be a expensive and she's gonna deal with it. She works for the state park. What she spent money on for 12 years, nothing. Definitely not hair treatments. She can afford this place.

[A]

Definitely not hot oil. Okay, so this is gold because she knows this is not like, wow, look, this is $5,000 outside of your budget. You know, it's not like that. This is $250,000.

[B]

It's $70,000 more expensive. But, you know, I mean, we do see on house hunters a lot of times, like the budgets like 450,000 and they go for someplace that's 500,000. So we have seen like a $50,000 jump. I just think that when the budget's already at 180, going to 250 proportionally is. Yeah, that's a very large jump.

[A]

Yeah, that's almost of 50% increase. That's crazy. Yeah. Is that right? I'm so bad at math. Okay, so Chrissy is.

[B]

You are actually. You are correct. It is almost a 50% increase. 180 is 90,000.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So like close. You're. Yeah. You're on the road.

[A]

It's like a 40ish percent. So this is a house and it's beautiful. I mean, comparatively especially it is beautiful.

[B]

It's actually like one of the most beautiful places I feel like I've ever seen on house hunters. And I immediately texted Ronnie and I said, if this doesn't get on only fans and buy this house do. What is it takes to make this work?

[A]

This guy's jerking off to her going, I do yoga.

[B]

It's like, let me tell you something.

[A]

Chrissy in a shower, doing a tree pose.

[B]

I did the numbers, okay. Because I was like, wait a second, I don't want to hear about money with. I was like, first of all, you've had a good job for many years at the state department. I know you can afford this. Listen, I'm not trying to tell everyone has to spend money what. What they're comfortable with, but I was like, you can afford this.

[A]

This.

[B]

But also, I just went to a mortgage calculator online, and if you do like a mortgage for like $180,000 and you put down 20%, that's going to be about $1200 a month. And if you do it for $250,000, it goes up to $1500 a month. Now, I'm not going to say, oh, $300, no big deal, but I honestly think for this lady who's going to like the champagne region to drink Champagne and walk around and be in her own Nancy Myers movie.

[C]

We.

[B]

She can deal with the extra 300amonth. Go for it. Get this house I don't want.

[A]

Yeah, but how does it work in France? Because everybody, everywhere is different. You know, with the mortgages and the America's like just keep on borrowing baby. You know, until we're all in the poor house in the end. Like that's.

[B]

I know, but I have to imagine it's got to be some sort of version of like a, like a timetable, like a like installment plan. I just think that like, like 250 is way more than 180. But broken down on a monthly basis, it might not be so bad. I just wanted to buy this house.

[A]

Also, she's been working for the State Department for a decade. Right. Surely she can afford 200. I mean that's a good job. And 250 for a house. Where can you find a house for 250? She doesn't have one anywhere else. It's not like her second house. I mean this house I wanted to move. I mean if this was realtor.com I would click it and be like whatever I need to do, I'm going. And then, you know, I'd be on my like shady ass hotspot T mobile Internet to do these episodes. I wouldn't even give a fuck.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just like, this isn't. This is like one of the biggest no brainers I've ever seen. Like you just do what it takes to make it work, okay? Borrow from, from mom, Sue. Okay, Whatever it takes.

[A]

Well, I, this is. The next thing is that she's like, oh my God.

[C]

The thought of spending 250,000 absolutely terrifies me.

[A]

Me. Which tells me she has the 250, 000 because she didn't even say. I don't think I can get a loan for that. Or shouldn't say. Well, what are the banks like here? She's got the 250. Are you kidding me? You only live once, okay? Go do it. Spend your money. Make your decisions. Make bad decisions.

[B]

Yeah, you can save like find a way to cut $300 out of your budget for something else because you can make this work. Okay, I know you're on. You, you get. Do you get paid on if you're on sabbatical? I don't know if you do, do.

[A]

I think so. Well, I don't know. I don't know how the government. I feel like the government has the best perks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because they're taking the taxpayers money. They don't give a. Yeah. Days off. They get paid while they're sleeping, probably.

[B]

And I don't know what the. I don't know if you get paid a different rate for being in different countries, but, you know, I feel like she's. She's. She can do this. Okay. So they walk in. It's just so beautiful.

[A]

Well, until we get to the kitchen. So this is super weird. So the kitchen is. But ugly. Okay. It's like Formica countertops.

[B]

It is ugly.

[A]

It's just not cute at all. It's really badly done. It's obviously new. You can tell that whoever lives here now put this in 10 years ago and thought it was very fancy. And it's ugly as. So Adrian's like, I've got bad news. Now, listen, the buyers want to take the kitchen. Honey, just take it? Yeah. They disassemble it, and then they take it.

[C]

What?

[B]

That is like, who wants to save that kitchen? I mean, look, that kitchen. It's not a bad kitchen. And I think for, like, a house Hunter's international Kitchen, it's really good. But considering how nice everything else in this house was, it was like, it was not. Not as chic as everything. Like, there was no kitchen island and everything. But, like, like, disassembling the kitchen. Like, is this, like, part of the Smithsonian? Are they. Are they, like, recreating this house?

[A]

Yeah. This is not cute.

[B]

And I thought she was joking at first, because it's like, Adrian, she's like, guess what? The kitchen's. The kitchen's not gonna stay. They want to take the kitchen with them. I thought she meant, like, they love it so much. That's how good this kitchen is. They want to take it with them. I was like, oh, no, they're really taking it with them.

[A]

They're literally taking it. Like it's a traveling show, you know? So I say that she should go in there with an offer of 235 because she has to replace the kitchen. That's.

[B]

Yeah. That's crazy. I agree.

[A]

So Chrissy's like, all right.

[C]

Oh, so this is already 70 more. And then I have to build a kitchen, too. Oh, God. The fact that it might need a kitchen makes me think if I can stretch my budget to add a kitchen.

[B]

Do it, do it, do it.

[A]

Don't be lame.

[B]

Get the kitchen island.

[A]

Rich dad. Poor dad. Honey. So they go to the living room. That's very pretty. There is a lot of light, which she mentions. There's a little private patio, which Is the private patio is like really tall walls, and it's like a kind of an alleyway type situation size. I mean, you don't really get like views of France or anything like that. It is kind of like your balcony is sort of like a dark yoga.

[B]

You could do her outdoor yoga. And, you know, I just felt like it was nice for her. I. I just liked it for her.

[A]

But now that I know she's ready to sell her own mother into trafficking to get this house, I'm like, it needs a better patio.

[B]

You know what I mean? Well, Adrian's like, listen, I see fear on her face. I think it frightens her that it's actually so perfect and costs so much. And at which point, this is where, like, Adrian starts to become like a drug pusher. She's like, I know you want it.

[A]

It.

[B]

It's perfect for you. Just get it. Just get it. Yeah.

[A]

And it's also so manipulative to get her to settle. You know what I mean? It's like, listen, I don't. I only get to show you three places. Okay. It's like when the property brother's like, all right, well, we know we're going to show you. Here's. Here's everything you want in one house. Oh, my God. We'll take it. Haha. You can't have more than that. Good one. Got him on that one. But we can buy you a shithouse and remodel it to look nothing like this. But say it looks. Looks the same. How about that?

[B]

So they go into the primary bedroom, and again, everything's. Everything's great because everything looks like the French charm. But it also feels very modern too. Like they found the way, like that great way to mix them both. Which is what I guess I was not able to wrap my mind about around earlier this episode. But this is where the fans. Their fans in the primary bedroom, and then all of a sudden, the fans disappear. I'm like, ooh. They don't want to show that there's no air conditioning in this place.

[A]

Yeah, but I don't think there is there. So then Chrissy is. She loves it, but she's horrified. And she says, I spent my life.

[C]

Trying to save money, and it's directly tied to how I grew up when there wasn't enough money.

[A]

Chrissy, you're 60. You work for the state Department. Drop that shit, okay? If you have any problems with, you know, paying your bills, call Donald Rumsfeld. He surely he owes you a couple.

[B]

I think he died, but like, his.

[A]

Estate probably call his wife and threatened to, you know, threaten to tell America about the baby.

[B]

You had something. So then Adrian is like, it's really what you wanted, isn't it? It's what you wanted. I mean, if she spends a little more on making her dream come true, what's wrong with that? Hey, want some cultured butter? Nothing could go wrong.

[A]

Just have these drugs one time. I'll give them to you for free. Just try them one time. Time.

[B]

So Chrissy's like, I feel super lucky to be working with Adrian, and she knows what I'm looking for. But I also appreciate that she's willing to push back on me when she thinks I'm not giving something a fair chance. And we see a cut. We see it cut back to the other place where she's. Adrian's like, doesn't everyone need a meat hook, for crying out loud?

[A]

Get over it, Yogi Bear. All right, well, Chrissy is struggling to be practical or throwing caution to the wind. What will she do? I'll give you a hint. She's extremely cheap. So Chrissy and Adrian have wine with the lady from the champagne store who's also wearing red glasses. And, you know, Adrian is just looking at her like, those match my hat, my purse, and my jacket. All right, someone cover me while I beat the shit out of this bitch.

[B]

And steal these glasses. You're from the balloon, aren't you?

[A]

This is Adrienne Red.

[B]

She's a robot. Be careful. Her emotions aren't real.

[A]

She's a Chinese champagne drinking balloon.

[B]

So Chrissy's like. You know, it feels a bit unreal when I think about how I grew up and how tight money was. And this represents a decade or more of me working really hard to save as much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. You saved money. Buy the fucking good house already.

[A]

Yeah, for Christ's sake. And this was also the moment where I was like, wait a minute, a decade? What the were you doing before that, you damn hippie? Why don't you just start working a decade ago? Okay, then don't buy that hat. Because when I saw Chrissy, I was like, oh, my God, she's like a senior at the State Department, you know? Yeah, I feel like 10 years. Not that long.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I don't know, but shaming her, like, gross. She probably.

[B]

She worked her whole life for 10 years. She worked her whole life, and I'm being a dick.

[A]

Sorry, everybody. That was. That was uncalled for.

[B]

Chrissy's, like, the nicest person I know.

[A]

Chrissy is Nice and ridiculous. I can't wait to go to her cheap house. Okay, so they look at the houses. The penthouse was 180. Adrian's like, it's on target, budget wise.

[C]

But there is renovations.

[A]

What you were thinking of a two person jacuzzi. They keep showing clips of Adrian from before. Yeah, Adrian's greatest hits.

[B]

And then house number two. Well, that one was kind of rough from the exterior, but it is. Move in ready? As in, I could move in and sit on a hideous coat. A couch, but that's fine.

[A]

So Adrian's like a warrior.

[B]

Pose. So then house three. It's really what you want. I know you want it. Look into my eyes. Smell the cultured butter. Buy the beautiful house.

[A]

I wanted Fritz to die. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So Chrissy's like, after seeing all three.

[C]

Properties, I'm asking myself, do I want to go through renovation on my sabbatical? So we might have to scratch off those gorgeous views on house number one.

[A]

All right, well, let's a look, take, talk about the village house.

[B]

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch an idiot by the toe. Buy house number three already.

[C]

Well, I want, I don't know, 250 plus a kitchen.

[A]

I want you to stop thinking about the money already. It's easy for you to say, Jesus.

[B]

You'Re gonna be the one profiting off of it. I do think that the one thing really in Kissy's, in Chrissy's corner is. Is she's only going to be there on sabbatical for a year. And that would suck for the kitchen because, you know, the kitchen will take three years to do in France. So she's like, my entire life, money's been an issue. And I have to ask myself, do I want to invest extra money in the house or do I want to invest extra money in my time off in my year here in Epernay making repairs on a much uglier house, so. Well, good points. Not going to sell you on this. I want you to think about something else. Epernay is a town of champagne warehouses. And so for me, the warehouse is just as every bit as charming as the house. House, except without any of the charm.

[C]

Wait a minute. Did you manipulate me into taking the place with a meat hook on the ceiling?

[A]

Congrats. I've done it.

[B]

So two months later, we go into her house. She actually made it look really cute on the inside. She did a good job, I think. I mean, I mean, I think house number two was actually really good as well. Like, I don't think that was a bad choice. I just thought house number three was just amazing. But house number two was good, and she made it look cute. She furnished it nicely, and she did a good job.

[A]

She did. She did. I mean, really, all I saw is that she moved what furniture is there into actually making sense. Because I feel like they moved all the furniture into crazy places. When she looked at it to make it look, like, worse than it was, just kind of. Yeah. She put the furniture against the walls and then she bought, like, lots of print to canvas of food. Real weird. I've never seen anybody with a close up of a Sunnyside egg being cooked on a painting.

[B]

It was a little odd. I didn't love that aspect, but I liked her little area rugs. I mean, it's. The windows in that place are not great. You know, they're sort of like, small and high up. They're like, a little depressing. But what. You know what? The thing that bothered me, though, is she made all this fuss about how ugly it was outside. And. And then now she says, oh, I love when my friends come and I love showing them that I live in an old champagne warehouse and I show them the sign. I was like, wait a second, you hated that sign. You're a faker. Your friends came over, were like, I love the sign. You're like, I love it too. I know you don't like that sign.

[A]

Yeah, no one likes that sign, you know? Well, maybe the neighbors do because it says Americans.

[B]

I thought the sign was cute. And I thought, like, I thought she was crazy for not liking it. Now all of a sudden, she likes it. I felt like she lied to us.

[A]

Yeah, well, I think that they. Well, I don't want to ruin the magic, okay, for anybody who doesn't want the magic ruined of House Hunters. Fast forward. So I knew these gays because I used to cater waiter sometimes. I used to do this charity event every year, and it. These gays that were on House Hunters were people that came every year. So I talked to them every year, and it was amazing. People would always come up to them, be like, oh, my God, I saw you on House Hunters. It's crazy how many people watch House Hunters and there's like nine zillion episodes of these. But they told me that, and I hope I'm not getting them in trouble.

[B]

No, no, I think what you're about to say is it's. It's out there.

[A]

Okay? So they already have the place. They've already bought the place. So everything else is just fakery. So they have the place and then they pick two other places they can shoot in, which is oftentimes why the places that they don't pick are the ones that are furnished because they're just renting the place out for a day.

[B]

Yeah, that's, that's. That was the. That came out. That news came out and it was like a big scandal when it came out. But you know, it's still fun. You still. It's fun to figure out like which one is the one they're not the one they're not lying about, you know, but either way, you know, I've known.

[A]

This for a long time, but saying it out loud right now makes me feel so betrayed.

[B]

It's. It is, but it is a betrayal. There's apparently like a big expose that came out a few years ago that details all this stuff and that sometimes it's like the houses that they look at are like their friends houses, things like that.

[A]

Huh? How goes the villainy? HGTV well, everybody, that brings us to the end of this episode. If you want to watch it, it's champagne taste and Epernay France House Hunters International 182 Episode 6 It has been great talking to you, Ben. And guys, we love that you're here. Thank you for being part of Crapin's universe and the Wondry plus universe. And of course, thanks to Wonder plus for having our crazy asses family on Amazon.

[B]

Thanks everyone.

[A]

We love you. Bye Bye. Well, hello.

[B]

Reggie. I just sold my car online. Let's go, Grandpa. Wait, you did? Yep. On Carvana. Just put in the license plate, answered a few questions, got an offer in minutes. Easier than setting up that new digital picture frame.

[A]

You don't say.

[B]

Yeah, they're even picking it up tomorrow. Talk about fast.

[A]

Wow, Way to go.

[B]

So about that picture frame.

[A]

Ah, forget about it.

[B]

Until Carvana makes one, I'm not interested. Car selling made easy on Carvana. Pick up these mail.

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