Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #306: Champagne Tastes in Epernay, France

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: March 22, 2023
Episode Recap and Summary

Main Theme

This episode of “Dwell Hello” (a Watch What Crappens spin-off) sees Ben and Ronnie recapping House Hunters International Season 182, Episode 6: "Champagne Tastes in Epernay, France." The hosts gleefully roast the process of a diplomat named Chrissy searching for her dream home in France’s Champagne region, unpacking her quirky preferences, budget issues, and encounters with the town’s vibrant real estate agent, Adrien. As always, the Crappens boys blend affectionate mockery of the show’s formula, colorful character analysis, and riffing on real estate and expat tropes.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Locating the “Correct” House Hunters Episode

• [02:58] The hosts discuss the headache of tracking down the right episode due to streaming platforms’ haphazard organization of House Hunters seasons.
• [04:22] “You’ll know you’re watching the right one if you see an older lady in glasses and a bright red beret that matches her jacket... purse... It’s like, if Waldo decided to move on from the hat... This is what you’re looking for.” – Ronnie

2. Introducing the Cast: Chrissy and Adrien

• [05:53] Chrissy: U.S. diplomat, loves yoga, midlife, looking for a home.
• [09:37] Adrien: The memorable, flamboyant, returning real estate agent (“beret lady”)—an American expat who “seems to know everybody she house-hunts for.”

3. Amusing Character Analysis

• The hosts compare Chrissy to Where’s Waldo (“if Waldo moved to Champagne”) and to stop-motion animation, saying she’s almost a caricature.
• [10:32] On Adrien: “She sort of reminds me of a Jewish lady in my family... I think she’s from the Upper West Side, moved to France thirty years ago with her husband Fritz. You know what? Fritz and I are no longer together. But I kept France. That’s just what I did.” – Ben

4. French Culture, Butter & Champagne Digressions

• [11:03] Ben confesses a new passion for French cultured butter and offers a poetic ode to “fresh bread with cultured butter.”
• The hosts riff on classic French stereotypes, Americans in berets, and a running joke about cultured butter—“Have you ever had cultured butter before?” “No, but I love butter. Who enjoys art?” – Ronnie ([11:18])

5. Chrissy’s House Hunt – Needs, Wants, and Red Flags

• [12:28] Chrissy’s "champagne taste" (high standards) versus her apparently middling budget. She wants French charm, yoga space, two bedrooms, and city center location.
• [24:44] She likes the idea of a fixer-upper, but Ben and Ronnie are deeply skeptical: “People who say that just can never do it... Especially in France...” – Ronnie
• Adrien is gently exasperated but determined to help Chrissy.

6. House #1: The Penthouse Bachelor Pad

[$180K, 2 bed, 1 bath, 2 balconies]

• [27:35-31:42]
• Initial excitement dashed by decor: a bed by the front door, fake grass on balcony/bathroom, inexplicably placed hot tub, “crusted jizz on every surface” ([31:06]), and a pool table.
• “This looks like a porn set. This looks like the set of Sketchy Sex or something... frat house porn.” – Ronnie ([29:43])
• Tiny, dreary shoebox windows. Yet, on paper, the price and space are tempting.

7. House #2: The Industrial Champagne Warehouse Loft

[$170K, 3 bed, 1 bath]

• [35:21-38:08]
• Chrissy is put off by exposed hooks and beams (“It’s like your stories of Berlin... Jesus Christ, hang a twink. You do you, everybody!” – Ronnie, [36:32]).
• Furniture is “hideous,” but the place is “move-in ready” and comes fully furnished—something Ben notes as a major selling point for Chrissy’s “cheap” side.
• The hosts dub it “the meat hook house” for its odd S&M-vibe ceiling fixtures.

8. House #3: The Dream Village House (but over budget)

[$250K, 3 bed, 1 bath]

• [42:02-48:06]
• Real French charm: “It’s actually one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen on House Hunters.” – Ben ([42:50])
• Fabulously light-filled, but kitchen is (ironically) ugly and—twist—the sellers are taking it with them.
  • “Is this part of the Smithsonian? ...Are they, like, recreating this house?” – Ben ([47:18])
• Discussion of mortgage realities follows. Ben notes the monthly payment difference would be about $300, arguing “Just get the house! Borrow from Mom Sue! Whatever it takes.” ([44:05])

9. Chrissy’s Internal Struggle

• She’s torn between fear of overspending and desire for her “Nancy Meyers movie” life.
• Ronnie: “You only live once, okay? Go do it. Spend your money. Make bad decisions.” ([45:25])
• Adrien acts as a “French property pusher,” urging Chrissy to stretch to get what she truly wants.

10. The Decision (Spoilers!)

• Chrissy opts for House #2—industrial warehouse—mainly going for practicality, move-in readiness, and price.
• Two months later, she’s made it cute, “moving the furniture into places that make sense” ([55:27]). Ben: “She did a good job... I thought House #3 was just amazing, but House #2 was good and she made it look cute.”
• The hosts lampoon the fickleness of her opinion (“she hated [the warehouse sign], now all of a sudden she likes it—faker!” – Ben, [56:32])
• Revelation/Inside Scoop: Ben and Ronnie explain (at [57:19]) House Hunters is “staged”—buyers have already chosen their home before taping, and the other viewings are for show, often in friends’ apartments.

Notable Quotes & Superb Moments

• “You’ll know you’re watching the right one if you see an older lady in glasses and a bright red beret...” – Ronnie ([04:22])
• “It’s like, I haven’t seen the new Pinocchio, but I feel like she’s a character in it, you know?” – Ben ([05:51])
• “Her dream is to sit bubbly from a coupe and eat oysters and talk about recipes she read on the NYT Cooking app.” – Ben ([20:23])
• On the penthouse: “There is crusted jizz on every surface—but now I’m standing here thinking this might be the place for me, because I haven’t actually been around crusty jizz in a while. So this could be fun.” – Ben ([31:42])
• On the warehouse loft: “Hang a plant from it... Hang a twink. You do you, everybody.” – Ronnie ([36:32])
• On the über-charming dream house, re: price jump: “That’s almost a 50% increase. That’s crazy.” – Ronnie ([42:23])
• “You only live once, okay? Go do it. Spend your money. Make bad decisions.” – Ronnie ([45:25])
• “She just wants free. She’s cheap, okay? ...She finds out that she’s going to get furniture and mattresses—she’s into this.” – Ben ([38:08])
• On House Hunters fakery: “They already have the place. Everything else is just fakery... The places that they don’t pick are the ones that are furnished because they’re just renting for a day.” – Ronnie ([57:22])

Time-Stamped Highlights

• [03:35]: Why finding the right House Hunters episode is harder than it should be
• [04:22]: Who to look for to spot the right episode
• [09:37]: Adrien, the familiar House Hunters agent, gets introduced
• [12:28]: Chrissy’s requirements and “champagne taste on a beer budget” joke
• [27:35-31:42]: House #1 tour and their reactions
• [35:21-38:08]: House #2 tour, the infamous hooks, Chrissy’s “thriftiness”
• [42:02-48:06]: House #3 tour: charm, kitchen twist, and budget anxiety
• [55:09]: The reveal—Chrissy chooses House #2, makes it her own
• [57:19]: Exposing how House Hunters is filmed

Style & Tone

Ben and Ronnie are irreverent, sharp-tongued, and genuinely affectionate about the show and characters. There’s a mix of playful shade, pop-culture references, running bits on bread, butter, balloons, and booze, and organic, chatty digressions that showcase the duo’s comedic chemistry.

Conclusion

In typical Crappens fashion, the episode is a hilarious, loving roast of House Hunters International, highlighting the quirks of American expats, absurdities in the real estate process, and reality TV behind-the-scenes fakery. Through their comedic rapport and sparkling banter, Ben and Ronnie turn an ordinary House Hunters episode into a laugh-filled romp across Champagne country—with plenty of side orders of butter and yoga.