Dwell Hello #310 House Hunters International: Quality Time in Bern

Summary

Watch What Crappens: Dwell Hello #310 – House Hunters International: Quality Time in Bern

Podcast: Watch What Crappens
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Episode: Dwell Hello #310 – House Hunters International: Quality Time in Bern
Date: May 17, 2023

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Episode Overview

Ben and Ronnie recap the House Hunters International episode “Quality Time in Bern” (Season 58, Episode 2), following the American Berkowitz family as they search for a home in Switzerland’s capital. The episode is a spirited roast of American tastes abroad, House Hunters tropes, and the relentless pursuit of “American-style” appliances in the land of clocks, cheese, and small fridges. There are running jokes about House Hunters narrator Linda, the quirky Swiss realtor Barbara, and plenty of affectionate shade thrown at both the house hunters and Switzerland itself.

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Key Themes and Discussion Points

1. Listener-Driven Recap

• The episode was requested after a fan, Emily, approached the hosts at a live show, revealing her own family starred in this House Hunters International episode.
  • “Emily won in the family! Emily, how did you marry a dude like this who’s just like, ‘Oh, she makes all the decisions. I do whatever she wants. The end.’” – Ronnie (03:12)

2. Meet the Berkowitzes

• Jeff and Emily have been married for 20 years, with three kids. Emily is the “decider,” and Jeff is the easygoing husband.
  • “Jeff looks like he loves being controlled and working to do whatever Emily needs him to.” – Ronnie (03:24)
  • “It was very clear that Jeff was gonna have no say in this decision.” – Ben (04:14)

3. House Hunters and Narrator Linda

• The recap heavily spotlights “Linda,” the classic, judgmental House Hunters narrator, whose biting commentary and puns frame the episode.
  • “Early episodes are heavier on bitchy Linda, and…they’ve tried doing this thing in newer years because Linda passed away...I need an air. I need some form of judgment or Greek chorus in this show.” – Ronnie (04:52)

4. Swiss Stereotypes and American Tastes

• The family seeks an “American” home in Switzerland: big fridge, multiple bathrooms, ping pong table, and modern (to the American eye) design.
  • “We’d love all American style appliances. That would be our dream. Barbara’s not giving you a microwave.” – Ronnie (19:47)
  • “This is also, by the way, one of my favorite troupes of all of House Hunters International: ‘We’re coming to your country. Please make it more like America. Thank you.’” – Ben (19:39)

5. Comedy Target: Jeff’s Dadisms & Barbara the Realtor

• Jeff’s “dad” logic shines (“I don’t think there are diners in Switzerland…”)
  • “Why would Switzerland not have diners? Linda was actively mad.” – Ben (08:01)
• Barbara, the Swiss realtor, is painted as stern, sensible, and a little long-suffering.
  • “She has the haircut of somebody who’s just…she says no a lot. Like, she goes to the hair salon and they’re like, Barbara, we could really do something better with the hair. And she’s like, ‘No, look, Barbara.’” – Ronnie (15:44)
• “She’s the person at the supermarket who passes judgment on you silently…then she, like, rolls her cart away.” – Ben (16:10)

6. House Tours & Reactions

House #1: The Hell House (22:00)

• Dated, garish, with strange floorplans and colors.
• Emily is openly horrified: “Thank God I spent all my heart and soul in New Jersey, because if I had a heart right now, it would be broken by this mess.” – Ben (22:26)
• Kitchen laments: “A mint green kitchen and an island shaped like a stop sign. Shoot me in the fucking face. My soul died.” – Ronnie (26:15)
• Hidden fridge/freezer, tacky reception area, awkward layouts.

House #2: The Herman Hesse House (34:15)

• Elegant, historic (occupied by Nobel-winning author), and way over-budget.
• “Emily would not care if there was a dead person in every room. She’d be like, ‘We’re buying this house.’” – Ronnie (36:52)
• Has a big kitchen, American-style fridge (“I wouldn’t call that American” – Jeff (37:41)), and panoramic views of the Alps.
• “Even the mountains are redone!” – Ronnie (41:56)

House #3: Bear Bachelor Pad (46:06)

• Cheapest, but farther from city; has six bedrooms, four baths, disco shower, urinal, and a “glory hole vibe.”
• “There has got to be a glory hole somewhere in this house. You just know it.” – Ronnie (47:50)
• Small kitchen and tiny fridge—an American nightmare.
• “Is this the freezer?” “Yes, you fucking idiot. That’s a Switzerland freezer, with that freezer stink.” – Ronnie (50:58)

7. Running Jokes & Notable Quotes

• American entitlement: “Can we get some American-sized Alps? That would be great.” – Ronnie (42:00)

• Fridge fixation: “We do not need large freezers in Switzerland because we’re not all addicted to Stouffer’s French bread pizza, you idiots.” – Ben (51:33)

• Emily’s design taste: “Now I see why we’re not seeing the Livingston, New Jersey renovation.” – Ben (63:35)

• Ping pong persistence: “The owner said that we hope that when we build this house that someday someone will put a ping pong table inside it. So maybe that can be you.” – Ben (39:24)

• On the children’s fate in Switzerland: “We haven’t seen our kids since we moved here. They disappeared in the backyard. I hear they’re adults and ruling a land now.” – Ronnie (62:41)

8. Swiss Sights, Clocks, and Bears

• Running commentary on the Swiss passion for clocks, cheese, small fridges, and the city’s bear pit.
• “Burn means bear, and it’s a symbol of power. Oh, yeah? Well, how about a symbol of a diner? I’m starving, Dad.” – Ben (43:59)
• “In Switzerland, we only use freezers to cool down our clock parts.” – Ben (51:59)

9. Final Selection and One-Month Later Update

• Emily inevitably gets her way; they select the Herman Hesse House.
• “So the Herman Hesse house it is, then. Thanks for making me walk along this river instead of just saying yes. Jesus Christ, Jeff.” – Ronnie (61:23)
• The kids acclimate by wandering the city, learning transit, searching for the mystical diner, and, of course, living in a home that mixes ornate Swiss history with “hideous black furniture” and a ping pong table.
  • “This is hidden. It’s like the set decorators of Ruthless People were like, ‘Let’s do a House Hunters International episode.’” – Ronnie (63:57)
  • “Herman Hesse is rolling around in his probably ornate home. I have to tell you, I’m a little bitter that Herman Hesse wrote that book making me think that happiness meant being poor when his ass lived in this place.” – Ronnie (64:15)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Jeff’s Dad-Logic:

  • “I don’t think there’s going to be diners in Switzerland.” – Jeff (07:06)
  • “Why would Switzerland not have diners? Linda was actively mad.” – Ben (08:01)

• Narrator Linda’s Sass:

  • “For better or worse, the Berkowitzes. I’ll just actually, let me rephrase that. For worse.” – Linda (08:51)

• Emily’s Design Priorities:

  • “The house was built in 1735, and the owner said that we hope that when we build this house that someday someone will put a ping pong table inside it.” – Ben (39:24)

• On American-Style Appliances:

  • “We’d love all American style appliances. That would be our dream.” – Emily (19:47)
  • “Barbara’s like, ‘I will go see if there are any houses with stupid and fat appliances. Thank you.’” – Ben (20:00)

• Winning House:

  • “So the Herman Hesse house it is then. Thanks for making me walk along this river instead of just saying yes. Jesus Christ, Jeff.” – Ronnie (61:23)

• Swiss Miss Lore:

  • “‘Can you say the Miss lives here?’ ‘What? You know, the Miss. The Swiss Miss. Just say that she lives here.’ … ‘You stupid American idiot. You know that rich Swiss Miss moved here from America. She’s not even Switzerland. And when she came here, she asked for American fridge too. We kicked her right out of the country.’” – Ronnie as Barbara (54:56)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:32–02:58: Intro—explaining context and how the episode was chosen.
• 03:12–05:22: The personalities of Jeff and Emily, and bemoaning new House Hunters narrator style.
• 08:01–09:40: Debate over Swiss diners and narrator Linda’s puns.
• 13:15–14:27: Describing American-style wishes; ping pong table demand.
• 21:56–26:52: House #1 walkthrough recap (the “hell house”).
• 34:15–41:22: House #2 (Herman Hesse house), the standout favorite.
• 46:06–54:19: House #3 (bear bachelor pad), disco showers, small fridge horror.
• 58:23–63:39: One-month update, acclimating to Switzerland, the kids, hilariously mismatched furniture.
• 64:15–end: Wrap-up, gratitude to Emily, and fan request info.

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Tone and Language

The hosts maintain their signature blend of affectionate mockery, Bravo-reality snark, and improv comedy. Their banter is peppered with running gags, over-the-top voices, and direct lampooning of both American House Hunters and Swiss quirks. While exaggerated, the ribbing comes from a place of clear love for both the show’s format and its participants.

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For Those Who Haven’t Listened

This recap gives you both the arc of the actual House Hunters International episode and a meta-commentary that’s as much about the hosts’ comedic riffs as it is about real estate. If you love Bravo satire, fish-out-of-water stories, and the chaos of mixing suburban American dreams with European realities, this is a must-listen (or now, must-read) episode from Ben and Ronnie.

Transcript

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[A]

Ding dong. Ding dong Ding ding ding ding ding dong. Well, hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

[B]

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going?

[A]

Good. We're the watch what crappens guys here to recap some House hunters, in this case, House Hunters International for you. We love doing Dwell. Hello and thank you to everybody for being here on Wonder plus to listen to us. You know what? It warms my heart.

[B]

It does. Well, especially it warms my heart because this is a very interesting recap that we're about to do today. This is quality time in Burn, which we watched on discovery plus season 58, episode 2. I found it by just literally typing in quality time and burn. And it came up and I clicked on it. But we did a Show in Washington, D.C. this past weekend and someone came up to us afterwards and said, I love Dwell.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

My family was on Dwell. I was on House Hunters International. You have to recap the episode that we were on. And I remember Ronnie was like, was it good? It was so funny. You have to watch it. So Emily sent us a link to the House Hunters International for us to recap this. We thought, okay, why don't we just do Emily's episode? I personally thought that Emily. It was like Emily's parents or something. Or I was not thinking it was going to be. Emily herself was one of the two people on. On House Hunters. But it is. It is Emily.

[A]

Wait a minute. This was the lady at the show?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No, this was a different lady.

[B]

This is the lady.

[A]

She said her uncle or something. This was her.

[B]

Well, I thought it was her uncle or something also, but the lady on this show is Emily Burke. Unless she said Let me have my aunt reach you guys. But I'm pretty sure this is her.

[A]

How fun. Because this was years ago. This is all. This is season 58, episode two. I mean, what was this in 1976? I mean, this was. It was a long time ago to season 9047.

[B]

I know. And you could see this. This is an older episode. There was, like, different production styles, and they played different kind of music. No, this. I'm looking at the email right now. She says, I just saw you at the Lincoln Theater, and my family was on this episode of House Hunters.

[A]

So, my gosh, Emily won in the families. Emily, how did you marry a dude like this who's just like, oh, she makes all the decisions. I do whatever she wants. The end. I was like, what? I've never seen it. I've never. I've seen guys who are kind of like that, but then, like, maybe a little stressed out, like, I'm going to get back at her, and she's, you know, there's something boiling under them. Jeff doesn't look like it that at all. Jeff looks like he loves being controlled and working to do whatever Emily needs him to. It's like marrying a handyman with a really good job. Where'd you find him?

[B]

Like, it was very clear that Jeff was gonna have no say in this decision.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, you could tell he said, so do you guys want to move to Switzerland? Fine. If you want to move to Switzerland, I get to choose the house. Like, that was clearly the discussion beforehand.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm choosing the house. You're gonna have more holes in your chest than a chunk of Swiss cheese. All right.

[B]

But luckily, I actually love this. I thought this episode was so funny, and I especially appreciated the fact that since it was an older episode, it was very heavy on Linda the narrat. Of course, we call the narrator Linda because she's such a Linda. So it's super Linda. Y. The houses were crazy. It was. It was a good episode.

[A]

The early episodes are heavier on bitchy Linda, and they've tried doing this thing in newer years because Linda passed away. So they have, like, a sound alike Linda, who kind of sounds like Linda, but she maybe talks like this and maybe has a little more joy than the other Linda, which I don't approve of. They have that. Or they've tried doing it where there's no narrator, which is weird. I don't like that. I need an air. I need some form of judgment or Greek chorus in this show.

[B]

Yeah, me too. So we go, why don't we just dive into it, into quality time, and burn. The first thing we see are a bunch of bears, which was not what I was expecting to start with. But as we learned much later on, burn means bear. So there we go.

[A]

Bears wrestling under an underpass. It was like a rehash of my 20s.

[B]

So Linda's like, jeff's job in New Jersey can be a bear. Get it? Because there's bears on the screen. Linda was very punny in these early years, by the way. Everything she says has, like, a little pun in it.

[A]

Yeah. She's like, jeff's job could be a bear, but Jeff certainly couldn't. Am I right? Doesn't quite have the gravitas to pull off a bear, but.

[B]

And then it cuts to Jeff saying, I actually say goodbye a lot by. Because I'm traveling for work. Wow. Just as intimidating as a grizzly bear. Jeff. I'm trembling in my boots.

[A]

Scary. So then we see a picture, like, a little video of him, like, goodbye, family, goodbye. And, like, giving everyone a kiss and a hug and a hug. I mean, what family is it? Where's this family from? It's not how families work. This is how it works in my house. Bye, family. My mom would be like, just go.

[B]

Get the hell out of here. So Linda says, but he and his wife Emily want more face time. And Emily is saying, this is their last chance to be together before the kids are grown. Like, no, it's not.

[A]

You're making it sound like they're a day before their 18th birthday. They're small teenagers. You have to deal with these. Plenty more. There's plenty more gross kid stuff you have to deal with. Don't let yourself off too soon, M's.

[B]

Yeah. And then we see them as a family in a diner in New Jersey. And Jeff goes, I don't think there's going to be diners in Switzerland. And then Linda. Linda actively disagrees with them. She goes, truth? Behold. Truth be told, there are Swiss diners. And fondue isn't the only sticky ordeal ahead. Stupid diner denier of Switzerland.

[A]

It's not the only sticky ordeal. I did mention there are a lot of bears in Switzerland, didn't I?

[B]

Hi. Before you go on the record and claim that this entire country doesn't have diners, why don't you do your research, Jeff? Sorry about that, loser.

[A]

You know another thing, Jeff? Is that dad? Maybe every dad I know that my dad is like this. I have a feeling your dad is like this. That says things like, you know what? I bet they don't have diners in Switzerland. Why the fuck would you say something like that? You know, the only time it's acceptable to say something like that is when you're somebody's dad. It's the only time. Otherwise, it's like, you ignoramus. Why would you say something so stupid?

[B]

Yeah, why would you make that prediction? Why would Switzerland not have diners? There will definitely be. Like, Linda was actively mad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Linda's like, let me stop this introduction to correct Jeff. There are diners in Switzerland.

[A]

Also, look at Switzerland thinking they invented queso. Hilarious Switzerland. Good for you. Switzerland bragging up and that. They're like, okay, we can do some filming here in Switzerland, but you have to promise feature fondue. It's our thing. It's our thing.

[B]

It's the Switzerland writer must feature fondue. So they're playing Beethoven's Fifth for some reason. It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And Emily's like, is this the freezer?

[A]

On this show, we call it Beethoven's Fifth. Thank you.

[B]

Well, for better or worse, the Berkowitzes. I'll just actually, let me rephrase that. For worse. The Berkowitzes are moving to Switzerland's noble capital, Bern, home of the Swiss diner.

[A]

Ooh, burn. Also, you can tell this is an old episode because they don't have music mixing down properly. Or maybe it was meant for, like, tube TVs, you know, where there was just. There was like a sound bar under every tv. But they'd be. You'd hear, what's her face? Ellen. Or whatever her face is. Elizabeth. Emily. Emily would be like, this is definitely not an Eden. It would be like, this is definitely not an eating kitchen. The music was also like. It was like some dumping the. The House Hunters base.

[B]

I noticed that too. And I thought it was my tv. I'm glad to see it wasn't just me. So we go to Livingston, New Jersey, which is where my cousin lives. Cousin Melissa.

[A]

I just heard the name Livingston, New Jersey, this weekend when we were in New York City. Must been from cousin Melissa saying, can't go out. Gotta get back to Livingston.

[B]

Probably was, to be honest. So, Jeff Berkowitz, Emily and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and we have three amazing kids now. Emily said, I'm not allowed to say anymore. It's her part of the scene.

[A]

Yeah, I'll be the judge of that. Bring them out here. Amazing kids. You don't tell me you have amazing kids. I tell you you have amazing kids, sir. Well, look to be honest, two amazing kids and an idiot. But we never say which one's the idiot because that can lead to a life of crime.

[B]

And so Emily's like, I'm a stay at home mom with kids. And the, you know, the three of them keep me really busy though, is like, ma, when can we go to the diner? I love going to the diner. And I said, you got to quit your diner habit. We're going to the land of no diners.

[A]

They keep you busy doing what? You fucking liar. Okay, the scene to illustrate this is Emily sitting there on a laptop in the kitchen. The kids run in like, oh, my God, we're all, mama. Can you believe it?

[B]

It?

[A]

She doesn't even care. And then they open the refrigerator and there's literally nothing in there. There's eggs and milk in there. What exactly are you in charge of over there? Emily's like this. I'm doing my blog. Those kids can raise themselves.

[B]

They can go to the diner if they want food. So Jeff wishes everyone goodbye to go off to Chicago again. And Emily says, I always joke, we've been married for 20 years. And then we have been married for 20 years, but together for about 10. And then I cry into my empty refrigerator.

[A]

Are you kidding? She loves us. This is the happiest they've ever been. They are more now than they have ever this couple. You could tell they're like a happy couple. They make little smiles at each other. Like you can tell. I think the best thing that's ever happened to them is Jeff deciding to get a job where he travels every week back and forth from Chicago.

[B]

Right? So he says, well, absence makes the hot grow fonder. And I work at a great company and have had, like, really unique opportunity to move to Bern, Switzerland, and that's what we're going to do. And so Emily's like, I like that Jeff will be. She's really excited that Jeff's going to be home most nights of the week instead of flying out to Chicago. They're just going to have like a lot of great quality time in Switzerland.

[A]

I don't know that I believe that. I think she's like, oh, really? You're going to be home more. Let's move to Switzerland. I think it'll be easier for me to get away with murder there. Let's go there. Nobody wants her husband.

[B]

Neutral country.

[A]

I don't believe that. I don't believe. Unless your husband's like in the military or something and literally gone all the time. Who wants their husband home more? It Sounds horrible.

[B]

I know. So now they're at the diner, the famous diner. And Jeff is like, so, Tess, what are you most nervous about? She's, like, making new friends, having to explain to them what a diner is. They're never gonna understand it in Switzerland.

[A]

What about you, Benji? And he's like, trying to get a girlfriend when I'm named after a famous American dog. His mom's like, fair. That's fair. We should have thought about that one.

[B]

And then Emily is like, so do each of you guys want your own bathroom? And they're like, yes, please. And Jeff is like, well, you know, we just fairly recently redecorated our entire house. So Emily said, if we're going to move to a different country, please move to a country that's in the pallet of what I just designed our house in neutral, neutral lots. We're going to Switzerland.

[A]

Lots of trying. Lots of white triangles in our current house. Finally got to the place where Emily wanted it to be. So we're going to the land of white triangles. Switzerland. You know, Emily was into really big clock art. You know, like homegoods, clocks that are really too big. She's like, if I'm not leaving unless you find me a place with more clocks than I've already put in our living room.

[B]

So the Jeff. Then Jeff is like, so, what do you guys want in the house? And the kids, like, room for a ping pong table. I'm like, you guys are moving to Europe, okay? You're not going to get ping pong tables in Europe.

[A]

Also, you know, Jeff, fucking Jeff, the only dad who goes, I don't even know if they have ping pong tables in Switzerland. What do you. What do you think Switzerland is doing with their life, Jeff? Could you give Switzerland some credit? Pingpong is not some. Some American sport covered in pig skin, okay? It's two tiny paddles and a ball that goes over in that. Literally every country has it, Jeff.

[B]

Well, then when he says, I don't know if they have ping pong in Switzerland, the kid goes, well, they better find it. It's like, whoa. Okay. All right, sir, we'll get. What about pickle pong? A little smaller.

[A]

That must have been Benji. He really goes. Gets like. He gets all animalistic when he's mad. So Linda's like, the whole gang is full of high hopes of what waits for them far, far away. But let me tell you, everywhere they go, all they're going to hear is, e burn because they're so dumb. Switzerland. Stupid Americans looking for Ping pong tables. They're going to get robbed the first second they walk in. Switzerland.

[B]

Founded in 1191 around a tight bend in the Arrow river, the medieval center of this Swiss capital is a world heritage site that does not feature ping pong. Stupid Americans. And elsewhere in the city's long cobblestone streets are lined with 15th century terrace buildings and arcades and yes, diners.

[A]

So Ms. Pac man machines everywhere. Big arcade city. So then the realtor, who is named Barbara, but she's, you know, what was I going to say? She's a Barbara. And she looks like a Barbara, doesn't she? Like, the second I saw her, I was like, she has Brenda Blevin hair from.

[B]

I was gonna say she's Brenda Bleffin. She literally looks like Brenda Bleffin. She literally has the face of Brenda Bleffin.

[A]

You know, that she's going to kind of work for you. But, you know, she's the kind of realtor who has no trouble telling you no. You just. She has it all over her. She has the haircut of somebody who's just. She says no a lot. Like, she goes to the hair salon and they're like, barbara, we could really do something better with the hair. And she's like, no, look, Barbara. Look at this picture of Barbara. Look at this sweet little picture. She's like, no, she's the person.

[B]

She's the person at the supermarket who passes judgment on you silently. Like, if you drop something on the floor, you look up and she's staring at you. And then she, like, rolls her card away.

[A]

She's not a silent person. She's a person. I don't think she would tell you off, but I think she'd definitely give you a.

[B]

Like, you would feel her. She would. She would burn you with her eyes, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Figure she's the realtor. And burn. Oop. Burn. I told you so. The narrow wits is the narrow wits. That's. That's Linda. If she married into the family, they would call her Narrowitz. Linda Narrowitz is like the Berkowitzes love the Jersey house that Emily gave her heart and soul to renovate.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

Emily came back soulless.

[B]

Okay, let's. Let's calm down here, Linda. She gave her heart and her soul to renovating a suburban home. She loved it so much. We're not even going to show you what she did with it.

[A]

Yeah. Emily's like, really? It's important to share a home with my family. I mean, I don't love them anymore because my soul Died in Jersey. But I know that I should care for them. Should I get them more than milk and eggs? Oh, fuck those little rats. I don't fucking care.

[B]

And with her choice taste in the driver's seat, Jeff may give her the right of way. See, we call that in improv. Yes. Anding to the DMV manual. Okay. Right of way, passenger seat. I better not put the brakes on this comedy anytime soon.

[A]

With her choices in the driver's seat, Jeff may give her more room to drive in the car. That's family life of rooted trees that extended the seat of human family forest. Oh, my God. I just can't stop myself.

[B]

So Jeff is like, Emily makes a lot of decisions in our household. So I'm actually going to be extremely flexible. Oh, you're. You think? Jeff, like, everything about you says deeply flexible to Emily's choices.

[A]

You definitely can do the tree pose in your mind like you're emotionally very flexible. We see it. He's like, I'm just here to make beta jokes until it's time for me to fly off and possibly bang my coworker. And ch. Wait, I need to rethink this. So let's go. Barbara's office.

[B]

Oh, yeah. She's like, welcome to Switzerland. So Emily is like, so our ideal house. And by our ideal house is my ideal house will have five bedrooms, minimum of three bathrooms, and something that can restore my heart and soul because I left it in Livingston, New Jersey.

[A]

Just like I would love to have an outdoor space. Shut up, Jeff. And garden. Would you like a garden to his stuff? What you mean by outdoor space? He's like, yes. And I want it to be close to school, but also close to work. And Emily's like, updated. Modern bathroom, modern kitchen. I need a soul. And Barb's like, okay, modern. Yes. I'm a modern woman. Let me write this. You are not a modern woman. Explain what modern means to Barbara, please.

[B]

It means watching reruns of Murphy Brown. She's like, I watch Muffy Brown at 7pm every night. I'm not a woman.

[A]

You look like an extra in nine to five, the original Barbara.

[B]

Jeff is like, yeah, we definitely need an American sized refrigerator. Because otherwise Emily doesn't like to have her eggs and milk in too cramped of a space.

[A]

Yeah, Emily doesn't want anything chilled in Europe and anything made in Europe. Only American things to chill the eggs that only she buys her. Also, I love that this is about how big their fridges, but all she had in her fridge was milk and eggs. Right?

[B]

And this Is also, by the way, one of my favorite trips of all of House Hunters International. Like, we're coming to your country. Please make it more like America. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, they literally do. Emily literally says, we'd love all American style appliances. That would be our dream. Barbara's not giving you a microwave. I'm telling you that right now. Okay. She's not doing it.

[B]

Yeah. Barbara's like, I will go see if there are any houses with stupid and fat appliances. Thank you.

[A]

Barbara's like, typewriter. This is Martin here, take. What is your budget? Just like, we don't need a typewriter. Okay, now you put your Coca Cola in here.

[B]

Modern woman. So Barbara says, you know, there's just 1% of properties available right now, and it's going to be really tricky to find such a big house in such a price range, especially with stupid, stupid appliances or quote unquote, American ones.

[A]

So their budget is 8,500, which sounds damn good, especially in the past, because this is like, I can't tell what year it is really, but it seems like a long time ago. And so it seems like a lot. But they are in Switzerland and you know, those clock people take your money. So while he's telling her about the budget, we get this like weird artistic shot of them all sitting with Barbara. But it's over an award that presumably Barbara has won. Okay? So I had to press pause and get a close up of this award. It says United 2020 Sales Achievement International Household Goods, first place, Packham Spur Limited. And that doesn't have her name on it. And I don't trust that Barbara. Run, Run this award also. Why is this award in English?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wait, listen. It would be.

[B]

I think it's.

[A]

I'm like the girl from. I'm like the girl from New Jersey. He's like, did you learn English when you moved from Ireland? They speak a lot of. They speak a lot of English. And Sweden. And Sweden.

[B]

We all know that the award that Baba would win is most Modern lady in bin. So Linda says Barbara sees she'll be successful if she can make Emily the head of household happy in her new home. But even with a sizable budget of 8, 500amonth, netting five bedrooms is still a task in a country known for its high cost of living and tiny, tiny refrigerators.

[A]

So house one. She's like, this house has three bedrooms, four bathrooms. And Emily's like, yeah, I don't know if that's gonna work for us. Three bedrooms. Shikbat. We have a space and it's 15 minutes from school. So let's check it out. So this is 8, 500. It's not cute. It's like a 80s ish house. It's got all this white tile and like old lady swoop drapes. I don't know what you call the drapes, but they're like theater drapes. They go swoop.

[B]

They have. It's literally crazy. It's a crazy house. So they walk in and Emily's like, my impression is that thank God I spent all my heart and soul in New Jersey, because if I had a heart right now, it would be broken by this mess right now. This is disgusting. It's too close to a busy street and there are too many colors.

[A]

And I will tell you one thing, this house does have a soul, and it belongs in hell. It's a. It's a damn soul.

[B]

It is a hell house. And they walk in and Emily's like, so what sort of, what would you consider this room? Because there's like a random couch and a grandfather clock. And Barbara goes, oh, this is just like a regular reception area. Reception area.

[A]

And then a lady's like, please wait, you cannot come to the kitchen yet. Okay, we have five minutes for your appointment. Barb's like, see, I told you.

[B]

Yeah. Emily's like, I'm just a little confused how to get into that house.

[A]

And Jeff is just looking like, don't be mean to the house, honey. And Barb's like, well, we are coming to this part of the living room and the dining room. And it's like this weird room is. I think they're. They were going for Tuscany because it's like Tuscan. It's faux painted yellow walls with rust colored, like squared off columns in it. Like, you could tell they built the columns in the house. They're like parking garage columns that are squared off. It's very like olive gardeny and.

[B]

Yeah. And there's like an arched doorway and they have like a faux curtains, like a. It's like a wooden curtain that they've like built in with like vertical lines, but then there's an actual curtain that hangs from it. So it's sort of supposed to look like almost like maybe like a theater curtain or so. It's just like so bizarre. And there's a giant tube TV just sitting on the floor.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

An enormous, enormous.

[A]

Well, that's another thing we learn here is that nobody knows where to put a TV in these homes. It's a weird. I. I don't want to call it a weird country it's just a country not obsessed with television, as we find out, which, you know, I mean, so Americans are coming.

[B]

Put the television on the floo. They love it.

[A]

Yeah. Make a tv. And so then Emily is like, well, I think Tess would like the yellow, but she's the only one. And Jeff's like, I didn't even know they had yellow in Switzerland. That's crazy.

[B]

Jeff goes, you know what? Wooden floors would make it much nicer. I'm like, how about a full demolition would make it nicer?

[A]

Yeah. How about in a house this big are going to cost you 100 grand, sir.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Going to a tiled home, you have to take all that stuff up. So then Barbara's like, you could repaint the room. Like Barbara lipstick on a pig. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's too much Barbara.

[B]

And did you notice there was also in that room, there was like this random, like, garage door window in the middle of it. So it was like normal windows. And there was like a panel of windows that looked like a garage door that you just opened up. Like, really nothing made sense in this.

[A]

Yeah, it was a weird house. And I think this is one of those that's like, take that Mac and do it, you know?

[B]

Yeah, they'll be stupid enough to do it. You put a TV in it and they'll be sold.

[A]

And Barb's like, oh. And you see you have a fireplace. And Jeff goes, is that wood burning? And she's like, no, Jeff, it only runs on bad children, you idiot. Wood burning.

[B]

Jeff goes. He's like, it's a little bit dated. I'm like, really? What about this house is dated? Is it the tube TV on the floor? Is it like the wacky circus colors in every room?

[A]

I know. Emily's like, a little bit. The walls are shaped like a jukebox, you idiot. Stop talking, Jeff. He's like, okay, thank you. So then he's like, you know, this is a big house for five people. And she goes, you know, you've got to walk into a house with an open mind. Cut to her walking into the kitchen, going, a mint green kitchen and an island shaped like a stop sign. Shoot me in the fucking face. My soul died.

[B]

Anyway, there was a peninsula. And then attached. The peninsula was like a hexagonal table. It just didn't make any sense. And the entire room was, like, different angles. It was like German expressionism in the kitchen. It was terrible. And Jeff is like, like, where's the refrigerator? And the fridge is, like, hidden in the cupboard. So they open it up. And Barbara goes, this is the refrigerator. This is normal size in Switzerland. And so Emily's like. And she opens up a cupboard or a drawer, and she goes, this is the freezer. And Barbara, so snooty, she goes, this is just for bottles. You know, like wine. Have you ever heard of wine before? Do they have wine in America? You understand the concept of bottle.

[A]

And then Emily just burns her right back. She's like, so is this supposed to be a whole oven? No, the rest is hidden behind a bigger fridge, decorated like a happening. Come on, Emily.

[B]

Emily's like, preview.

[A]

What the are you trying to do to us, Barb?

[B]

I know. Seriously. And then Emily's like, well, there's a lot of coverage.

[A]

This.

[B]

It's. I mean, well, it's a kitchen. And Jeff goes, it's nice. No, I wouldn't say the word nice. Don't you know the phrase it's a something means you hate it. Come on, Jeff.

[A]

It's a husband. So they go to the. The primary room, and it's pink. And Emily goes, it's pink. Well, it does have a big walk in, though, but it's pink. And then they go to the bathroom, which is hilarious. Whoever styled this house is so funny because the circle. They're circular sinks that kind of jut out. It's very. It's a video game that's like everything shaped like a jukebox. You know, I'm trying to think of what it is.

[B]

Oh, video Dr. Mario, maybe.

[A]

You know, it's just a weird style where everything is, like, curved and even the medicine cabinets are circular. Like, you open them like they're like colanders.

[B]

It was like an architectural student's wet dream. Like, someone said, like, here's a good idea. What? I build a house like this.

[A]

And the.

[B]

They got an F on their project, but, like, there's like a rococo bed. It has one of those beds that has, like, all these ornate sort of golden swirls on the frame and everything. And then the bathroom has all these weird angles and the road, like Lazy Susan's in the bathroom cabinet and stuff. And then you're like, okay, well, this is really bad. But then they go up another floor to where the kids would be. And, like, if you thought the kitchen was green, this up here, it is green. It is like, it was green the way American currency is green. It was just like. Just like full, crazy green room.

[A]

And it's. We find out later that it's a duplex that's been made into a House. So it's like two different places. So the boys, they're like, we could just shove the boys over here. Like, that sounds smart. Just giving your kids, like their own apartment, basically. And there's two kitchens. And Emily goes, you know, one thing with Jeff is he can sometimes be unrealistic about living arrangements, which I like. I like that. That's just a Jeff thing. Like, every time they're looking for a house, Jeff's like, what? It's a pool. We. We should live in this pool. We could literally move into the swimming pool. It's like, jeff, people don't live in pools. Jeff. It's unrealistic.

[B]

I know. Emily's biting her tongue. She wants to scold Jeff so badly, but she's like, I mean, it'd be nice. We're on television. Okay. My mother's watching this.

[A]

Jeff's like, oh, my God. You know where we should live? Right here. This food court. Would there be anything better? I mean, a Cinnabon and a hot dog on a stick. Cool.

[B]

So, yeah, they hate it. And she, and she and Emily hates that. They're basically so far away from the kids, like, literally another floor, another apartment away. So they don't like it. And Linda's like, well, there is a true five bedroom home on the market for Emily. And then we get a preview of Barbara saying, but it's 9, $500. So it's gonna be a budgetary issue.

[A]

So now we're on the city streets and the family is getting a tour from one of the biggest con ladies I've ever seen. It's someone's grandma, okay? Standing out there on the street, and she's just saying random things. She's like, I welcome you here to the city. Burn the capital of Switzerland. We're standing in front of clock tower. From back to future, you'll see the cuckoo, the national bird of Bern, the most famous cuckoo to ever live. Bugs Bunny. It's like, what are you. What are you paying this lady?

[B]

And they go into the clock tower and there's all the gears. And you know, Jeff is like, well, this seems like a good layout. I think we can make it. Jeff, it's not part of the show yet. This is just. We're just touring around. This isn't what we're looking at.

[A]

Yeah. And Emily's like, most American kids are really over scheduled. There's just no family time. But in Switzerland, there's more time because it's literally all clocks. We're standing in a huge clock right now.

[B]

I feel Like, I'm on a super Mario kart level right now. So Linda, of course, this is punny Linda. This is her punny phase. So she goes with more time on their hands now because get it, clocks have hands. The Berkowitzes want an updated five bedroom home to spend it in. Is anyone gonna laugh at my jokes? Anyone? God damn it. I quit House Hunters.

[A]

So then Barbara tells us, you know, Emily says, oh, wait, Emily says, I have, so it must be Jeff, right? Emily says, I have unrealistic expectations, so I'm worried, you know what? So you can't live on a teacups ride. News to me. But you know what I did learn? They do have yellow in Switzerland. So he is defining a ping pong table to live in.

[B]

Yeah. And Linda also disses the first house, by the way, because. Because in this old, olden times, they spent a lot of times recapping what we just saw. So Linda's like, talking about the first house again. And she's like, the only thing worse for Emily than one outdated kitchen is another outdated kitchen, because that stupid house had two of them, for crying out loud. Did anyone see that?

[A]

With house number two, Barbara wants to knock Emily's socks off and prove to her how poor she really is by showing her a home that's way too expensive.

[B]

I'm surprised we didn't see Barbara waving socks when Linda said socks. It was a pun about what was happening on screen. What are people not getting about my humor?

[A]

With this next house? Barbara has decided to actually let it bury it and drag the socks right off Emily along with her feet. Because Emily's being such a pain in the ass.

[B]

As Aretha Franklin once sang Soccer to me, Soccer to me, Soccer to me.

[A]

As Kelly Clarkson once said, my life would suck without you.

[B]

After this, I'm gonna have a dinner of some sockeye salmon.

[A]

So Barbara's like, in this house, there was famous writer living Herman Hess. I was like, herman Hess, girl, this is the house they're gonna buy. You know, just go to Herman Hess's house. Yeah. Not buy it.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. No. Emily's like, I can't wait to tell all my friends that we still didn't. We lived in Herman Hess's house. Even though none of them really know who he is.

[A]

I had to google him, and I googled him, and I still don't know.

[B]

Well, Linda says, although they're already have a sizable budget of 8, $500 a month and it's gonna suffer a concussion. She says something about the budget suffers A concussion.

[A]

So then I spent, like, it's gonna cause a brain pop something.

[B]

I know. I was like. I was like, looking on Herman Hess's Wikipedia to be like, did he die of a concussion? I was like, why is she mentioning a concussion right now? This has got to be a pun on something.

[A]

Hey, Siri, how many followers does Herman Hess have? She found this on the web. Herman Hess's Arrested Development, the New Yorker. So basically, he wrote. Oh, actually, I do know who Herman Hess is. He wrote Siddhartha. I love that book. Oh, I love you. I want your house.

[B]

So this house is a five bed. It's a huge house. It is a huge, huge house. And Jeff is like, wow, for a thousand dollars over budget, that. I mean, that's more than just a little bit, huh? I'm like, jeff, you're moving your family to Switzerland. Pony up the extra thousand dollars.

[A]

I know, I already know.

[B]

Just take the house.

[A]

I feel like. Because Switzerland. Switzerland. Is that Ikea or is that Sweden?

[B]

Sweden.

[A]

I figured I was gonna fuck that up. Never mind. I was gonna say, people see Ikea and just assume everything's cheap. But wrong place, guys. You're not gonna be putting together any words here, okay?

[B]

People see fondue and think everything's gonna be cheap. How about that? So they walk into this house and it's like an enormous foyer with all these. All these rooms coming off of it. It like, looks like. I mean, this is already so majestic and so huge and shouldn't even be. I was like, what are they doing at this house? This is crazy. It's a giant three story, like, spiraling wrought iron staircase above them.

[A]

You know it's cement, right? Is. Are all the floors cement? There's, like, no flooring. That was hard. Was it cement?

[B]

Yeah. And the foyer, it was hard. But then a lot of the floors have had, like, a parquet kind of.

[A]

Yeah. Big, square wood. Beautiful home. I mean, whether it's your style or not, I mean, pretty beautiful. This is definitely. And it also goes to show you what you can get for less than 10% more. You know, I feel like. I know things aren't cheap enough. Like when you go to Home Goods, which, by the way, no offense to Home Goods, we love you. Please advertise with us. But when you go to Home Goods and you see a couch and it's like $800, but then you go to a regular store and you could buy a really nice couch for $1,000, and you're like, but then why did I almost sit on that cardboard one for home goods for 800, right.

[B]

Or like, restaurant. I went into Restoration Hardware once, into Restoration Hardware, like modern, because I don't know anything about it. And I was like, how much your couch is here? And they're like, well, they start at like $30,000. And I, like, thought I heard it. I did that thing like, excuse me. I did basically like, you know, a full on double take.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Home Goods. Home Goods. So they. They have these enormous.

[A]

Yeah, it's not close. That's. That's not the same example, because that is very far from going to Home Goods and then going into Restoration Hardware.

[B]

Restoration Hardware a bit more expensive. So they're walking around that giant space in the living room and like this enormous room, and there's like this one little sconce on the ceiling. And Emily goes, oh, well, I like that there's some overhead lighting. I'm like, enjoy lighting up your one parquet square.

[A]

Emily would not care if there was a dead person in every room. She'd be like, we're buying this house.

[B]

Or she's putting a positive spin on everything. Well, there's three ghosts. Does you know, Look, I see a vision of a small girl without a head. I like it. It's charming.

[A]

She could walk in and it could literally be a naked man holding a knife, you know, grinning and being ready to stab her and her family. And she'd be like, love the home. We're getting this.

[B]

You know what? The walls are bleeding. I kind of like it means we don't have to paint them. Just nice natural red colors.

[A]

So Barb is like, oh, and look in here. Look at the kitchen. Everything is brand new in here. And surprise. An American refrigerator, which is a big. It's a big fridge, right? And Jeff goes, I wouldn't call that American. Jeff, get off your fucking high fridge. Jeff.

[B]

It's a big fridge. I'm sorry, that's a. That's an American size fridge. Barbara's like, look, it even comes with its own gun.

[A]

You know? Okay, two things I saw. I'm sorry, I have to tell you two things. One, you know what he means by American fridge? Because American fridges are fucking ridiculous. I was helping my sister look for a fridge. She's like, I want the one where when you open the door, there's another door within the door, and behind it are where all the sodas are. But then in this door that closes here is where you put crispy vegetables. But then. And then there's like 10 different drawers that do different.

[B]

Yes. And a preview Window. Like, some of them have a thing where you tap it. You can sort of see inside your fridge. Just. It's like you're like a peeping Tom on your, like, broccoli. I can see you.

[A]

Yeah. American refrigerators are fucking stupid. So I'm on Barbara's team on this one.

[B]

But I just love the way she's, like, gritting her teeth like it's in American fridge. But by the way, the kitchen's great. It's not just that it has a fridge. Like, it's a. It's a nice, wonderful square layout. A lot of open space. There's a cute little table in the corner. Everything is updated. Everything. And by the way, everything is updated in this entire house. All the toilets, we see the showers. Everything is like totally modern.

[A]

Yes. I mean, and it's like traditional style the house, but it's updated. Right? So Emily's like, wow, look at this dining room. And this dining room is gorgeous. This is the one with like, big wood floor. And it has. Each wall has what do you. Smart crown molding, but it has molding covering the entire walls. And then the roof has, like squared off beams that run through the artistry. Beautiful. It's like a castle room.

[B]

Yeah, it's really nice. And she's like, the house was built in 1735, and the owner said that we hope that when we build this house that someday someone will put a ping pong table inside it. So maybe that can be you.

[A]

I know. And Emily's like, wow, it would really be nice to live in such a historical property. Really? You know, wouldn't you say that history has a soul? A soul also, I can't get you that. Shut up, lady. Okay? And just like, well, that's a cool fact. Okay? But it's not going to justify the extra budget. A super old fireplace. You're not going to get me to spend money on that.

[B]

Herman has to live there. You're buying it. Okay, so then we see more. This house is so big. And, like the primary bedroom is, like modern. The bathroom is chic. And then they step out, they step out onto a balcony. And it's like wintertime, by the way. So everything looks bleak outside, but you can see that during the summer that this is like a manicured hedge garden back there. Like, it looks out onto the Alps. Like, you know, in the summer, that backyard is like literally where Emma Thompson comes to drink tea.

[A]

You know, it's like the never ending story. It's not the hedge one. It's just like a maze Hedge where I brew. You just send your children in there and you never see them until they come back. Like either a goblin or like an empress of a other land.

[B]

It's just like, so, like, it's amaz. You know what this back. You know what that backyard is? That backyard is what Kyle Richards tries to do with her front yard. Because, you know, Kyle Richard has all those hedges in her front yard. She's trying to make it seem like all European, but they're just like very crowded and cramped around the driveway.

[A]

Yeah, this would just have Kyle Richards run, like, totally getting lost for 20 years, you know, you'll never see me again. Oh, no. That was Tamara.

[B]

Kyle Richards with like a. More like a hul hoop and a stick just running through the yard. Curls in her hair.

[A]

So I love that they. They're shown this thing that also looks at the Alps. Okay. That's their backyard. So they go out and they're like, nice view. Really nice view. She's like, yeah, that over there, that's what we called the Alps. They're like, oh, nice.

[B]

Barbara hates them. Like, the fact that she's like, these are the apps in case you're too stupid and think it's Mount Everest. It's the Alps. Americans.

[A]

And Emily's like, I really like this house. It's beautiful. It's redone. I mean, look, even the mountains are redone. When did you guys get the mountains? It's the Alps. You're stupid.

[B]

Can we get some American sized mountains? Is that possible?

[A]

Can we get some American sized Alps? That would be great. So Emily's like, I don't know if we can afford it, but it's renovated. He's like, but it's expensive, but it's redone. It's expensive, but I don't know if we can afford it, but we can get it. You see? You just wanted to argue with me, you fuck.

[B]

So then we see. Then we have like this random shot of Barbara back in her office and her phone rings. She goes, yes, hello. It's like Barbara at work.

[A]

I'm sorry, Barbara. I know you won the 2012 award. Written in English on the award. I'm just here to tell you that no American style refrigerators. I would suggest taping a Diet Coke to one and saying, look, this one keeps Diet Coke on the front for you.

[B]

Hello, Fritz, this is Barbara. I was wondering, could you take one of your grandfather clocks and put a handle on it? We'll tell them it's a refrigerator. Okay, thank you so much.

[A]

Hello. It's Barbara. Hello, Barbara. I just wanted to introduce you to the page boy haircut. Stop trying to make me change my hair reviews.

[B]

Very modern, lady. I use word 95. Thank you.

[A]

Bye. I don't even know what our accents are trying, but we're not trying. Okay, so then we see the bear pit. Okay. We go see the bears lying under the freeway, which apparently is like a pit they built that bears can just go play into the freeway in.

[B]

They just. Just got some bears. The two bears are adorable. And they're playing. I could have sworn one was about to the other one. And then they cut away. And then you hear Jeff say, look at the bear playing. I was like, we know what's going on with those bears down there. Those bears are horny.

[A]

Yeah, But Jeff is also like the most obvious dad. He just says every obvious dad thing. Like those. Look at the bears. They're playing like, yeah, dad, we see the bears, dad. All right. Ping pong. I don't know. I don't even know if bears play ping pong in Switzerland. This place is crazy.

[B]

He's like, burn means bear, and it's a symbol of power. Oh, yeah? Well, how about a symbol of a diner? I'm starving, Dad.

[A]

I don't even know if they got those here. I'm so glad you said that. That makes so much sense, because I thought he said bird means bear, and that's his power.

[B]

Now he's just gonna gaslight his family. The word bird means bear, bear means rabbit.

[A]

It's like, what the.

[B]

What is game sick? He's a demented human being. So Linda's. Linda's like, Jeff. Although the Berkowitz has uprooted their Jersey family away from Emily's heart and soul of a home, they still will have a. Jeff is still going to have a demanding work schedule, while Emily helps the kids adjust to a non diner and ping pong existence.

[A]

A lot of the. And he's like, yeah, you know, getting the house settled is going to be falling on Emily because I'm going to be working a lot. Yeah. And taking care of the kids will also be shared. Bye, Barbara. Barbara's like, listen to me, you stupid fucking kids. This is a refrigerator, okay? You put your fridge until it's cold enough for you.

[B]

What is this? Sunny Delight.

[A]

It gets out of the refrigerator. No more haircuts.

[B]

Linda, by the way, when they show the bear, she goes the bearish task. Get it? Because there's bears. It's a symbol of strength. According to Jeff.

[A]

That's back when. Anyway, really made an effort, you know, where everything's like a pun or a play on words. So narrator's like, oh, good.

[B]

No, I just love the idea of Barbara after they sell the house that she then is forced to also be the nanny for the kids. I come in the house. I forgot to tell you.

[A]

You know what? I have an umbrella. Do you know what it can do? It can't fly. You stupid. Umbrellas don't fly.

[B]

Stupid Americans with your dreams. Umbrellas for rain.

[A]

They call me Mary Poppins because I pop you in the head every time you ask for a bigger refrigerator.

[B]

Would you like a Hot Pocket? Well, congratulations. I'm gonna put a coal in your pocket. Americans.

[A]

So then I like that. Also, back then, Linda was kind of sexist because she's like. Cause she's like, with Jeff's pocketbook, begging Barbara for mercy. She opts for a location further from central Bird, where his wife's not going to try and spend all of his money because she's a wife. So then we go to house number three, and it has six bedrooms and four bathrooms for 6,000amonth. So we know that this place is literally five hours from burn.

[B]

Okay, I know. Barbara, you forgot to mention what Nobel prize winning author lives in that house? Oh, none. Oh, sorry, Barbara, this is not gonna work for us.

[A]

Rice and Rice used to live here. No, there's rice in the house because there's no refrigerator. And this is all you can eat here. Okay, Enjoy your home. Bye. Like, wait, Barbara, come back and get.

[B]

This and get us used to live here. No, but I thought if I said it, it would help. She's not even a writer.

[A]

The lady who made the baby cabbages used to live here.

[B]

So they walk into the. They walk into the house. There's like a red carpet that's, like, from the foyer. The foyer game in Switzerland so far is very strange. All three foyers have not been great, even in the great house.

[A]

And this. Now, I love that they have the theme of bears, because house number three, a bear totally lived in this house. It's marble floors with, like a Runway red carpet running through it. Then they walk into the bathroom. There's a urinal. And then they look at the shower, and it's got LED lights that change colors while you take a shower.

[B]

No shower.

[A]

There has got to be a glory hole somewhere in this house. You just know it.

[B]

Yeah. When I see Jeff and Emily, I think, disco shower. So Emily's like, well, the urinal, from my point of view, is not necessarily a plus, but I guess from a male point of view, that's a good feature. Linda seems to really like it for Jeff.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I wish she would really update her. Her POV on things.

[A]

So there's a bedroom down there with bunk beds. And Barbara's like, well, I don't see closets. And Barbara's like, like, you provide your own closet. It's not like America, where every. It can only legally be considered a bedroom if it has a closet in it. But that's not like that everywhere. It's an American. Yeah.

[B]

All right, so they go into the main living room and dining room, and there's, like. There's a lot of space. There's, like, some. There's like, an old. We've seen, actually. Every house has had its own unique stove, because in the other house, there was, like, this giant porcelain tiled stove from, like, 1760. So this one has its own stove.

[A]

So cool. These stoves, they're really into their stove of artwork.

[B]

Yeah. I love a house that comes with a threat of me lightly burning my calf as I walk by, because, you know, that would be me.

[A]

Pure porcelain right in the middle of the room. Yeah, that's walking right through that room. Like, fall right into it. Yeah, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not good. But their artwork is so cool. They all have, like, really intricate paintings on them. You know, it's nice.

[B]

Good stove game.

[A]

But, you know, like. So, like, Mexican art. Like, you know how Mexican tile has, like, really cool shapes and stuff?

[B]

Talavera.

[A]

Yes. It's, like, really, like, cool shapes and bright patterns and stuff like that. Whereas Swiss oven art is, like, all little, tiny white people that they draw on things. Like, it's literally only white people. That's their art. They'll have the occasional bird, but then, like, a little white girl, like, look pointing up at a bird.

[B]

That's very. That's what I would imagine switching to be. But Jeff.

[A]

Jeff.

[B]

Jeff is like, oh, I like the floors. I'm like, these are. It's, like, tile. Everything's tile.

[A]

Jeff.

[B]

Emily's like, I don't know if I like the floors. Like, could be cold in the winter. And I also have another problem. How do you put a TV in this place? I mean, we're American. You can't just give us a room and not be able to give us an option for the tv.

[A]

And Bitchy Barb goes, oh, yeah, Standard Americans.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I understand Americans. Yeah. Okay. Okay, Good luck.

[A]

So then it's a real small kitchen. This is a total bachelor pad. I love that Barbara's not even trying. She's like, okay, let's see. The absolutely hideous, disgusting house which they'll only take after stupid. Then the house that they're going to take because it's only the decent house that is the option which I make the most money off of. And then another stupid house that's like, got glory holes all over it and disco balls, like.

[B]

And now, of course, the most important part. What's the fridge like? So they go into this, like, it's sort of like an angular galley kitchen. A lot of angles in Switzerland so far. And it's a small fridge. And Barbara's like, so Swiss fridge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not an American style one. Sorry. It does not have a television inside it. Are you gonna be okay?

[A]

And Emily goes, I'm afraid to ask. And she opens up the freezer and it's got like frozen things, like little blocks of frozen things and like the frozen fog coming out of it. And she goes, is this the freezer? Yes, you fucking idiot. That's his typical Switzerland freezer with that freezer stings. And Emily's like, yeah, that's not gonna work. I love that there' no appliance stores. By the way.

[B]

Typical Swiss refrigerator.

[A]

No one has considered calling the best buy Dong. You know, sorry.

[B]

We do not need large freezers in Switzerland because we're not all addicted to Stouffer's French bread pizza, you idiots.

[A]

Yeah, it's called cooking for your family. You stop at. Why don't you boil a pot of cheese and call me?

[B]

This is where in. In Switzerland, we only use sweet. In Switzerland, we only use freezers to cool down our clock parts.

[A]

Oh, and Jeff goes, well, I think that Emily thinks this is a great house and got great space. It goes to Emily, she's like, this house sucks ass. And if Jeff makes me do this, I'm cutting off his mats.

[B]

Where do I watch tv? I can't watch my Bravo. So then we go up to the master bedroom, which I think the master bedroom actually looks kind of cool. It has these like. It's sort of like up against the roof. So the ceiling is sort of is angled and there's beams. But Emily is like, we're gonna hit. We're gonna hit our head on the beams. You know, Jeff, when he gets out of bed, he just stands up. He stands up on the bed. We need an American sized roof. Okay?

[A]

And you know, now that you mention it, I love to know that this house that Herman Hess lived in, it's probably where he wrote Siddhartha about how. How to be happy having nothing. Like, that book is literally about giving up every worldly possession in every single thing to find happiness. And now that house is like 10 grand a month, and someone's watching Housewives in there, LOL. It's so true.

[B]

I'm playing ping pong. So, yeah, so they. By the way, this master bedroom does not have an ensuite, which means they would have to go all the way down to the foyer, essentially, and take a shower in the disco shower. So Barbara's like, but stupid Americans, follow me, because we have a fantastic view of. Repeat that to me. It's called the Alps. You know about the Alps, right?

[A]

Yeah, we love that show. I mean, it was an alien or was he a dog? So, like, you know, Jeff. Jeff is pretending to think this house is amazing because it's cheap. Watch him. And he's like, oh, my God, look at this view. The view is of a row of condos, first of all, and then behind that is the Alps. The other place was just the Alps. It's like your hedge garden. And then the Alps, your labyrinth and the Alps. And she's like, look at that, Eddie. He's like, oh, my God. You have to go downstairs to the bathroom. I love it. And you can get led while you shower. This is the house for us.

[B]

Emily's like, there was no massive bedroom bathroom. There was only one shower. The kitchen was really small. And I also don't know how I feel about the location. It's far from school. It's far from downtown. And honestly, I just heard a noise back there, and I'm pretty sure the entire back wall of the house just fell over. Okay, it's a house.

[A]

But she keeps changing her mind at the very last second to act like she's agreeable, even though we all know that. Yeah, it's not, because he goes, but I love it. And she goes. Goes, you know, we're far from downtown. He goes, but the budget's good. And she goes, okay, you know what? It's a strong contender, and we can make it work. And then they leave. I'm like, she's gonna. Please send the whole way home. Slowly. Like, pinching harder and harder and harder.

[B]

With Jeff is like, hey, Barbara, help me out here. Help sell this house for me. Just say that someone famous, some. Some Swiss famous person lived here.

[A]

Just.

[B]

Can you say the miss lives here? What? You know, the Miss. The Swiss Miss. Just say that she lives here.

[A]

Sake. You stupid American idiot. You know that rich Swiss miss moved here From America. She's not even Switzerland. And when she came here, she asked for American fridge too. We kicked her right out of the country. Idiot. Not even real fellows in the. In the Swiss Miss.

[B]

She was a slut. We call Swiss Miss in Switzerland. It means stupid slut in that epithet.

[A]

This is what we call working girls. Do we call them Swiss misses?

[B]

We don't call them painted ladies. They're just Swiss misses.

[A]

So then they go to the park to walk it over. Because one of the things that were listed, they're like, when you move to Burn, you can see clocks and bells with cracks in them. And there's also a river and you could walk alongside the river. Those are the big selling points of burn.

[B]

Yeah. Which by the way, after this episode, I 100 want to go to burn. It looks so pretty. So then I've now, by the way.

[A]

Never been anywhere except Mexico and Canada and America. So everywhere we watch on here, I'm like, that is the most glamorous I've ever. They're inside the clock right now. Like, I know I sound all cynical, but on my insides I'm like, oh my God.

[B]

Burn going.

[A]

I'm going.

[B]

I've actually had this weird thing with Switzerland. Like, like, for like a majority of my life. I want to go to Switzerland, which is crazy.

[A]

I met dudes, they ran the cop. Remember when I told you I worked in a coffee shop in Trump Tower when I was like 20?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it was called Cafe Demitas and it was owned by guys from Switzerland. They were so, first of all, the oddest looking people I've ever seen. And I don't think it's because they were from Switzerland. They just happened to all be odd looking people. But their skin was really pale and they were all not only bald, but, you know, like, I'm bald. Like shave head. You have kind of an outline, nothing. It was just like pure skin. Like they never grew skin on their heads or their eyebrows. And then they wore real thin rimmed glasses. And two out of three of them was named Thomas. And I remember they had like the nicest watches ever. And they were the most well dressed people I ever saw. They were just the oddest people. I was like, how did they decide to do this? They would just show up every day and go, how's the TED Cafe Demi toast. Every going greater to Demi toss with you later. And I feel like they just left with bags of money every day. I've always been amazed by Switzerland. Ever since that job.

[B]

I that this makes me want to go To Switzerland even more. I mean, literally. It's a country with, like, beautiful Alps with an emphasis on chocolate and cheese.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And clockwork. Who doesn't? What's not to like about that? And now we have adorable bears in the center of the city. So, like, I'm like, I really want to go now. Emily cracks me up, because once she has heard that Herman Hesse lived in that house, she will not stop mentioning Herman Hesse. She's like, well, the Herman has a house that Herman has to lived in. Had such a large kitchen that I can only imagine how much Herman Hesse loved that, you know, and had an American fridge, which is not very Herman Hesse, but I'm sure Herman Hesse would have appreciated that if you were alive.

[A]

Now, listen, Herman Hesse would have appreciated a nice access to Ben and Jerry's just like the rest of us. I don't even want to hear about it. So they're going up one of those trains that go backwards. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, it's like a funicular. I think it was a funicular, but I wasn't sure if it's a funicular or if it has some Swiss name like. Like something like. They called that one Old Gilda, you know?

[A]

So although Jeff wants to make his family happy, the high cost of living in the country is making his head spin. Jeff's like, can you believe we're actually going to be living in Switzerland? She's like, I cannot believe we're actually going to be living in the Hermanessa house. House. I mean, just imagining Herman has that coming to that fridge every day.

[B]

I wonder if Herman Hessa gave his heart and soul to that house the way I did to the house in Livingston, New Jersey. And in many ways, Livingston, New Jersey, is pretty much like the Switzerland of America.

[A]

House. One needs a refresh on paint, but it's budget friendly at 880, $500 a month, and eventually some stupid American will buy it.

[B]

Wait, let me read that from the top. I was just handed a revision from the producers. House number one needs a fresh coat of paint, and then it needs to be destroyed.

[A]

House number two, the Herman Hesse house. They say Herman Hess, I say Herman Hesse. Who do you think is right? Me or the person who doesn't know that diners are a thing in Switzerland?

[B]

I got to Emily saying I really loved everything about that. Herman has housed House Tess, which rhymes with Hess, by the way. So I think that's a sign in and of itself. She could have her own bedroom and have her own bathroom, and then she could do her favorite thing, which is a cosplay, being a waitress at a diner, because we named our test, which means she's either gonna be pushing dim sum for Sigourney Weaver or working at a diner. Am I right?

[A]

And come on, it has the American style fridge, Jeff. He goes, well, kinda American style. I didn't see a robe, I didn't see a row for my Pepsis. So then house number three, $2,500 under budget. And he's like, it had everything. It was spectacular. I mean, imagine being able to drive two hours to school and to work every day. What a bonus.

[B]

And then we could all wait in line for the disco shower in the foyer. That's what you call quality family time.

[A]

I wouldn't have to work as much. I mean, why have a job when I could get a hand job right in my own guest room room?

[B]

And she's like, ah, remember the fridge? It wasn't American. Remember how small it was. He's like, I don't recall. It was a wonderful house.

[A]

So number dun dun dun dun dun dun. Number one, combined duplex. Number two, noble estate. Number three, terrace chalet. So she's like, well, I know which one I'd eliminate right away. And he's like, benji. She's like, we're not supposed to say that. We promised each other.

[B]

Just leave him at a diner and don't say a word. We'll just back out slowly. So Emily's like, thank God they crossed off house number one, because the last few episodes we've seen this show, they've literally taken the worst house. So thank God that was crossed off. So she's like, you know, one house is really expensive and one house is within our budget. And I know which house I'm leaning toward. Hold on, let's. Let's see if there's a Hess truck available for our children to buy at Christmas time, if you catch my drift. Yeah.

[A]

He's like, well, it would be cool to live in a Nobel prize winner house, but I don't know, it's so expensive. And she's like, it's pretty special though, Jeff. Like the side of my breasts. And he's like, okay, I'm used to giving you what you want. I'm pretty sure you want it. She goes, so the Herman has house it is then. Thanks for making me walk along this river instead of just saying yes. Jesus Christ, Jeff.

[B]

I know. One month later, the children have abandoned. Been abandoned in the middle of the city. Because we see the three kids being like, like, how do we use the Metro?

[A]

This is so fun. Well, first I wrote, one month later, kids find their way out of Labyrinth Hedge and approach an ATM for help.

[B]

Please can someone tell us how to get to the Herman Hesse diner?

[A]

So they were approaching the ATM together because I thought it was like magical. It's like lion witch in the ATM or whatever. But it was because there was a train schedule on it or a bus schedule on it. So Jeff's like, it's a beautiful city. The downtown is incredible. It's got beautiful covered Ms. Pac man machine arcades all over the place. We haven't seen our kids since we moved here. They disappeared in the backyard. I hear they're adults and ruling a land and have children now and possibly.

[B]

Riding tigers, but something about a lion and some sort of of Christian parable. So then, yeah, Jeff is like, I think our kids are normally, they're very busy in New Jersey, so it's been nice that they have only themselves to rely on. You see the kids trying to figure out the schedule. Like, I think this is the bus we get on. I don't want that crazy realtor to shove us into the clock tower again.

[A]

They may not have as many sports to play, but they rely on each other more and they spend time together as they search the country for American style fridges. So that's been good.

[B]

So we have two new rituals. One, we put a ping pong table where Herman Hessa wrote his most favorite famous novel. And two, we've decided our second ritual is how much hideous black furniture can we move into one of the rooms?

[A]

You guys? Emily, listen.

[B]

Now I see why we're not seeing the Livingston, New Jersey renovation.

[A]

Oh, my God. This is hidden. It's like, like the set decorators of Ruthless People were like, let's. Do you know what? Let's do a House Hunters International episode. Did Peewee's Playhouse do a funeral episode? And you stole the furniture. Where'd you get this?

[B]

It was like Cherry went and got a drug addiction and had and. And turned into this furniture. It was just like all these big black modern furniture with like red, bright red accent pillows in the middle of this, like. Yeah, in the middle of this, like, beautiful, ornate old room.

[A]

Weird. It was like the Dayo scene from Beetlejuice as a house Hunter set. Really? Herman Hessey is rolling around in his probably ornate home. I have to tell you, I'm a little bitter that Herman Hess wrote that book making me think that happiness meant being poor when his ass lived in this place. Okay, it's Kind of pissing me off, but I'm gonna let it go.

[B]

Well, maybe he wrote that book after he lived in Switzerland. Maybe he was like, oh, I have to leave this house.

[A]

Maybe he gave this house up.

[B]

Yeah, he had a dream. He was like, I feel like one day this house will be taken over by strange ugly furniture and a ping pong table. I must get out.

[A]

He's like, one day I've had a vision. One day a lady with no soul will be in this home. How do I avoid becoming that lady? It was literally Siddhartha was literally based on his future vision of Emily coming into this house with that tacky Beetlejuice furniture.

[B]

Oh God, this was a funny ass episode. Emily, you're right. And we still love you. You're so sweet. And thank you for recommending your family's House Hunters episode. It cracked us up.

[A]

Yeah, really good episode. That was super fun. Thanks for every. Thanks to everybody for being members here on one. We sure love you guys. And if you want an episode covered, if it's this one was on Discovery plus. I don't know if we mentioned that, but if there is a specific one you want, make sure it's on either YouTube, TV or Discovery plus and tell us where you saw it and what the season number and episode number and title. You know, all that good stuff. And we will. We've been running off of your All's requests for a while now and they're usually really good. So let us know what you want to hear and we will talk to you next time.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

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