Dwell Hello #312 House Hunters International: Growing in Portugal

Summary

Watch What Crappens: “Dwell Hello #312 – House Hunters International: Growing in Portugal”

Episode Overview

In this delightfully catty recap, Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam dive into an episode of House Hunters International ("Global Growing in Portugal") featuring an American family’s move from Spokane, Washington to the Algarve, Portugal. As always, the hosts mix affectionate mockery, humor, and genuine exasperation as they dissect both the House Hunters formula and the unique personalities in this particular episode. The result is an episode packed with observations about cultural differences, questionable life decisions, and some truly unforgettable names.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet the Family: The Butters Clan (01:44–11:45)

• Matthew and Adrian Butters relocate to Portugal with their two young sons, Sibius and Theos.
• Audience Participation: The hosts introduce listener requests and invite more for future episodes (04:58).
• Notable Quote: Ben exclaims, “Their son is named Sibius. P S Y B I O U S… there is a Reddit thread about this name because people were so confused they could not believe it.” (08:50)
• Mockery of Unique Names: The hosts riff on Sibius and Theos, joking about their sci-fi fantasy origins and the clashing last name "Butters." (“Why are we naming these children with sci fi names from like a different era or multiverse, but their last name is still Butters?” - Ben, 14:13)
• Characterization: Matt is portrayed as a guitar-strumming, cannabis-loving, surf-dreaming “dreamer”—with a bit of a mean streak.

2. Why Move to Portugal? (15:06–19:29)

• Key Motivation: Matt is moving for a new job in medical cannabis; the lure of Europe’s “Gold Rush” for cultivation is strong.
• Adrian expresses mixed feelings but ultimately concedes to the lure of beautiful Portuguese beaches.
• Family dynamics: Ronnie and Ben repeatedly highlight a power imbalance in the relationship, noting that Adrian’s needs seem secondary to Matt’s ambitions.

3. The House Hunt & Realtor Marta’s Reluctant Guidance

The Wish List (22:05–24:29)

• Requirements: 2+ bedrooms, bathtub, garden (but not for growing cannabis—wink), 15 minutes to both the beach and school, $1,600/month max.
• Host Reaction: The hosts hilariously deride the mediocrity of wanting to be “15 minutes from the beach.”

House #1: Charming Apartment in Porches (25:06–32:43)

• Specs: 10-min walk to the beach, two bedrooms, cute Portuguese style, tiny “garden” (i.e., sidewalk planter).
• Host Reactions:
  • The apartment is beautiful but impractical for a family of four.
  • Marta’s Disapproval: “Marta is just glaring. Like, of course the Americans would come in and destroy a bed.” (29:50)
  • Quote: “It's literally like... a two by two plot of yard.” (26:14)
  • Adrian is won over; Matt is not.

House #2: Semi-Detached with Shared Pool (35:44–41:47)

• Specs: Five minutes to the beach, 15 minutes to school, garden plot (again, tiny), shared pool.
• Highlights & Criticisms:
  • The interior is larger and more functional, but less charming.
  • The outdoor space is compared to a “chain link cage.”
  • Matt wants a private pool for their low budget; Marta responds with classic Portuguese bluntness.
  • Memorable Marta reaction: “I think we have different definition of a man.” (36:08)

House #3: Rustic Country House (45:16–50:59)

• Specs: 20 mins from the beach, 15 to school, actual farm, large pool, over budget.
• Concerns: Adrian is overwhelmed by the isolated location and practicalities (“Now I have to keep an eye on the kids all day long when they're in the backyard... running from rabid dogs or drowning in the pool.” – 49:58)
• Matt is enchanted by the space and “room to grow,” but Adrian is stuck thinking about chores and isolation.
• Host Speculation: The hosts suspect Matt’s choices are more about control than family happiness.

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MVP: Marta the Realtor (Throughout)

• Fan Favorite: Ben and Ronnie fall in love with Marta, the ever-exasperated, openly dismissive realtor, who is clearly unimpressed by her American clients (“She’s the St. Disgusted by everything that’s happening here. She hates the show, she hates the people, she hates that she woke up to do this.” - Ben, 24:54)
• Signature Bit: Marta’s repeated, deadpan utterance of “Portuguese style” in response to every confused question about local architecture.
• Quote: “I only deal with tourists and I still hate you.” (21:53)

4. Ridiculing the Search (& Each Other)

Cultural Cluelessness (27:02+, 32:11+, 34:45+)

• Ben and Ronnie repeatedly lampoon the Butters’ apparent lack of research into Portuguese culture (“Did you not see the little box on the screen? Arabs were here.” – Ben, 32:12)
• Commentary on American expat entitlement and the fantasy of “starting fresh” without regard to reality.

Parenting Styles & Ice Cream Debates (16:17–18:42)

• The hosts go off on the acceptable age for a child to have ice cream smeared all over their face, with Ronnie insisting, “You don’t have to wait for the appropriate time to shame someone else’s child. I think you just do it.” (17:52)

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The Final Decision (51:15–55:15)

• Ben and Ronnie express real frustration as Matt’s preferences win out.
  • Quote: “You made me move for your career and you promised me the beach and the lifestyle. And he's like, well, I'm pretty convinced. Fenced.” (52:48)
• The hosts lambast Adrian for giving in (“You made the biggest mistake of your life. I can't believe you married this loser... Have fun at your farm out in the middle of goddamn nowhere, you idiot.” – Ronnie, 54:18)
• Both hosts hope Marta will rescue Adrian (“Marta, get in there. I hope Marta does show up with one of those white vans like on Dr. Phil and be like, don’t worry, I’m kidnapping you. Just be quiet.” – Ben, 56:06)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I want to have someone who has great SEO as a child.” – Ben, discussing Matt’s naming strategy (12:34)
• “You control nothing. You made the biggest mistake of your life.” – Ronnie, on Adrian’s lack of agency (54:05)
• “Why don't you just ask them for a bedroom with electricity holes big enough that they can stick their fingers into? Dumb.” – Ronnie, mocking Matt’s safety concerns (39:13)
• “[Marta’s] signature Portuguese style: Disapproving faces, honest answers, and a desperate urge to just be done.” (Throughout)
• The entire riff on American expats, from "bad guitar-playing" to “sticking out like butter in Portugal.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:46] Ben’s HGTV Twitter Fame Anecdote
• [08:50] Introduction and dissection of the name “Sibius”
• [15:06] Matt’s medical cannabis career explanation
• [19:14] Adrian on adapting to Portugal (asks for “napkin culture”)
• [24:27] Setting expectations: 15 minutes from both beach and school
• [25:06–32:43] House #1 Tour and Reactions
• [35:44–41:47] House #2 Tour, fish tank, and “cage yard”
• [45:16–50:59] House #3: The "Appalachia" of Portugal and power struggles
• [51:15–55:15] The decision, disappointment, and the hosts' emotional summing up

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Episode Tone

The episode is marked by classic Crappens snark—playful, biting, and sometimes poignantly frustrated when empathy for the show’s participants overcomes the laughs. Ben and Ronnie channel both the voice of the incredulous viewer and the voice of long-suffering realtors everywhere. Their running jokes about American cluelessness, House Hunters tropes, and outlandish baby names are matched only by their affection for Marta and genuine sympathy for Adrian.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you haven’t heard this episode, expect a hilarious, rapid-fire recap full of Bravo-caliber shade, real concern for fish-out-of-water expats, and a deep dive into the absurdities of international house hunting TV. Whether you care about House Hunters or not, the hosts’ banter, memorable one-liners, and allegiances (Team Marta!) make for an entertaining listen.

Transcript

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[B]

Ding dong.

[A]

Ding dong.

[B]

Ding dong ding ding ding ding dong. We go. Well, hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

[A]

Hi, Ronnie. How are you?

[B]

I'm good. Well, hello, everybody. Welcome to Dwell. Hello, darlings. This is, you know, we're the guys from Krappins, obviously, and here we are with our House Hunters in this Hunters International podcast. This, for those of you following along is season 152, episode one on Max, formerly HBO Max or Discovery Plus. If you have trouble finding this House Hunters is always numbered differently on every streaming platform. We don't know why. So just go to either YouTube or Discovery plus or Max, wherever you watch these and just search in the search bar the name of this episode, which is Global Growing in Portugal. That's Global Growing in Portugal and it'll pop right up. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. I have a very exciting update from since our last. Well, hello. Which I just remembered right now, which is that my parents were here visiting for a week and my mom loves watching House Hunters and my dad hates it. And we were watching and at one, one random episode and the realtor showed the cup like a couple a kitchen first. It was a bad kitchen and she showed the. The kitchen first. And my dad just looked at it and goes, she's an idiot. Just like, just so angry at the realtor for showing the kitchen first. So then I tweeted out, why was.

[B]

He mad for showing the kitchen first?

[A]

Because in his mind it's like well, why would you lead with that? She's an idiot. So then I tweeted out, she's an idiot, says my dad. Regarding house hunters, I just tweeted that. And HGTV actually found the tweet and retweeted it to their Twitter account of 1.4 million people. So I'm very happy to announce that my dad is now briefly Twitter famous in the world of HGTV for saying she's an idiot about a realtor on the house.

[B]

How funny. I just thought it was a ton of new followers.

[A]

No, of course not. I just thought it was funny that my dad. That HGTV actually retweeted what my dad said. I guess there's no arc to the story, except I just was amused by it.

[B]

Well, I think it's amusing. Like, the person who. Who does the socials over there is like, oh, my God. Finally someone tweeted at us about hhi y'.

[A]

All. Like, they're exactly.

[B]

They're like, you know what? We're not getting a lot of activity on these accounts. You're about to be fired, Amber. And your dad just saved Amber's job. He just saved Amber's cook.

[A]

Amber O. Amber, I'm so sorry that it's been so tough over there, but you're doing great work, Amber. We really support you.

[B]

So this one is called Global Gruing in Portugal. And we see this, like, kind of good looking, you know, thin, youngish guy playing guitar, and he's playing that song that's like, in every Mexican standoff scene in every movie with a Mexican standoff where it's like. And then he goes, olay. And the real estate lady goes, that is not Portuguese. Oh, no.

[A]

She's like, so disgusted and so annoyed.

[B]

She hates him. By the way, this is a listener request. And so thank you so much to listeners for giving us these requests. We've been doing them. So if you do have a listener request, just comment on this post or any dwell hello post and we will see it and we will try to do it if it's on Max or.

[A]

YouTube TV or shoot us an email. Watch happens gmail.com. so, yeah, so this lady is so over it. And then we hear Linda, the narrator, go, Matthew, Adrian. And their two sons are leaving Washington state for a new endeavor in Portugal where they'll frustrate all the locals with terrible stereotypical guitar playing.

[B]

Hopefully they'll come out with a song called a Portuguese standoff. So Matt becomes a instantly less offensive in the next five minutes. So Matthew's Like, I'm growing medical cannabis. And his wife Adrian's like, that is a huge move for his career. And she's got like one of those upper cheek piercing things because guys, they're from Spokane, Washington and that's what they do. They get cheekbone piercings and play three chords on the guitar and they're really into cannabis.

[A]

So, yeah, she has one of those piercings that's like a ladybug landed there once and she said, oh my God, I'm going to always remember this by getting that, that space pierced.

[B]

So it's actually pretty, you know. And I'm not like a big like anti piercing person. I don't have any. But mostly because I'm like droopy. I'm a droopy person. It's why I don't have tattoos. I'm too droopy, I'm too flabby. You know, I'm not being self hating. I'm just, that's, that's who I am. I'm a droopy, flabby person. I don't have things, places to put stuff like that. But she gets one. I think it's kind of pretty. But as a person who's very protective over my cheekbones because, like, let's be honest, it's. I've got, I. I'm like, how do you do that? How do you sleep on your side without hurting? What are you doing to yourself? You don't have to do this just to live in Spokane. You know what I mean? Get a tramp stamp.

[A]

Get a tram stamp. So yeah, she's like, this is like, it's like the mat show. And that is my life. And so the realtor, who basically is like Portuguese, Portugal's answer to Annie Pots is like, okay, gross Americans.

[B]

So this, this is a big moment for her and her wacky faces that she gets like her wacky disapproval faces that she gets to make through the whole episode. So I was very excited for her because Marta, you know, Martha's just got a lot of those in her, in her box and she needs, she needs to whip them out. And here she comes.

[A]

Yeah, she's not happy. So we're in the Algarve. It's not, it's not, not. It's Algarve. I think they call it Algarve, right? Not, not the Algarve, but Portugal. And Adrian is like, isn't this like so crazy that this is going to be our home? And her husband Matt's like, yeah, these waves are awesome. Like, give us your best surf Sigh. Give us your best surf. Because they've got a little child named what With. I thought his name was Sai, like Cyrus, but I was. I will.

[B]

They're saving that. They're saving that as like a little twist later. The kids. Yeah, they're like, you know what? We'll let you digest Matt for a minute and then we'll throw the kids names at you, okay?

[A]

Because we have. We have a. We have a crazy name first. Before we get to the kid's name, we've got a little bit of a. We gotta. We got what feels like it'll be the first crazy name and the only crazy name of the episode. But then we're gonna get. Then we're hit you with the kid.

[B]

So Adrian gives us their background. She's like, we grew up in Spokane, Washington. We met at a party. And I was like, are you Matt Butters? Because of course, like, with the math last name like Butters, like, everyone feels like they know who he is. You know what I mean? Like, I can't believe it's not. Or, you know, like, it's at fault for heart disease, you know? Or in this case, you're gonna be like, I'm looking for a better substitute because this is clearly unhealthy.

[A]

Oh, I just wish my name were Margarine. So, yeah, Matt's like, yeah, she fell for me. So they've been together for seven years and they have a son named Sibius. P S Y B I O U S. And the answer is yes, there is a Reddit thread about this name because people were so confused they could not believe it. I looked it up and of course I thought I had it up here. But there is an entire Reddit thread that's like, is this a real name? And it's all these people chiming in about Cybius from this show. And someone goes, makes me think of bacteria for some reason. Someone says, it makes me think of that urban legend arcade game Polybus. Someone says, what a darling name for such a fungi. People are just going in on this.

[B]

Let me just say I looked this up too, because you did. First of all, the subreddit that it's in is called Name Nerd Circle Jerk. So just, you know, shout out to Reddit. Also, Reddit, stop being dicks with your API and let apps use it without trying to charge them $19 million a year, whatever you're doing. Because you fucked up my favorite app to use Reddit. Apollo, my favorite one. Everybody's gone dark now to protest you guys being selfish assholes don't buy Reddit if you can't make money off of it. You guys bought Reddit and then you treat, you treat it like crap and make it this over bloated piece of shit mess. Stop it, okay? Or we're all going to stop using it. Okay? Anyway, this is why Reddit is great. Because it has the name nerd circle jerk subreddits. God bless that little piece of heaven.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But names.org says, what does the name Sibius mean? It says, where's the answer? It gave a preview. It says P is for pride, strong and alive. S is for secret, Y is for yes, B is for buoy. I is for important, O is for old fashioned, U is for uncanny. And S is for sweetheart. Is that.

[A]

Yeah, I, I just feel like Sibius is. It's gonna be a font of fascination for many people for many years, I.

[B]

Think, which is, you know, a drug. Also. It's a mushroom, right? Cybercillin also. Wait, what is Cybercillin? I need to look that up next.

[A]

We know someone. Someone actually Matt Butters created a song in 2015 called for Sibius and it's him on a guitar and he's just, he just has a big beard. Oh, I can't even, I can't even watch this song. I cannot watch the song for Sibius.

[B]

You heard, you heard like the first chord straw when you were out of there. Huh?

[A]

Did you hear that? I did. Okay, I'll go to the middle of this this year.

[B]

But I will tell you this, it was a wise choice name if you care about Google search results because it is like the first thing that comes up on Google. Right? This kid is always going to be the first thing when you Google that. There's no competition. Facebook Sybius is concentration rating on learning notes with both hands. And then the second result is Matt, Adrian and Sibius. And then another video is Sibius reads notes very diligently and then. Oh, here's the for Sibius song that you were talking about.

[A]

Yeah, Sibius. I mean, I think the reason, I think that's a. You bring up a good point. I think when your name is Matt Butters, you are so sick of being so far down your name actually being so far down on the Google search for Matt Butters because everything is coming up before you, like every mat, every butter, every place, every doormat. Like, like you're the most non distinct name. So he's like, I want to have someone who has great SEO as a child.

[B]

Yeah, you're like looking for strong keyword relevance. And then damn. Down damn. Not damn. Sorry, everybody. This is a family show. Down further on Twitter are on the search results is a Twitter thread where apparently they're talking about this. And I couldn't find the actual tweet because you know how it gives you the preview of the tweet on Google and then you click it and have to read through the whole THR to try and find it. But it does say, damn, I haven't seen an arcade with a Sibus machine in ages. And then someone else is quoting something that says, do not take Sibius if you are allergic to Sibius or any of its ingredients. So, you know, it's a lot of things.

[A]

I see one tweet that says, is this in Greece or are the parents just wild?

[B]

Okay. And their other kid's name is Theos. And I was like, what? In the Holy Avengers book of Names.

[A]

I know the. I don't understand. Okay, but also, like, why have such a. Okay, like, why have this?

[B]

All the gemstones that will call the Earth's population, Like, what are we trying to do here?

[A]

Why are we naming these children with sci fi names from like a different era or multiverse, but their last name is still Butters? Like, I don't understand. Sibius Butters. Like, I am Thanos and I will rule the galaxy. Thanos. Is this Thanos Butters by any chance? Yes, thanos Butters.

[B]

Yes, Mr. Butters, your order is ready. Please just call me Theos.

[A]

All right, Avengers. Age of Ultron. That's Ultron Butters. Thank you.

[B]

Thank you very much. So he talks about how he got into. Okay, I'm sorry. Spokane is a great place to raise a family. And he's like, I got into medical marijuana when I was very young because I was diagnosed with epileptic symptoms.

[A]

And it cuts to Adrian and she just smiles. She's like, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's so great when I listen, whenever he just doesn't. Whenever he's acting up, I just turn my flashlight on and off real quick and just see what it does to him. I just turn on the. The flash effect with my phone every time I get a text message. Every time he acts up, it's terrible.

[B]

So he's like, yeah, and authorized, you know, I'm authorized as a medical patient so I can cultivate my own plant. And I became super passionate about it. But there's a lot of competition in Washington state, in Europe, they're just starting to allow medical cultivation. You know, the laws just changed. So it's really the Gold rush here, so I'm going to take advantage of it.

[A]

So now they're, like, going to get gelato. And Matt talks about how he. He got a job as a farm manager for a biopharmaceutical company startup. And Adrian's like, you know, I had reservations about moving the kids, you know, because I thought I could stay in damp, overcast Spokane, Washington, or I could come to a beautiful beach paradise in Portugal. And I just. It was a tough choice. I. It was really hard.

[B]

Yeah. Huge leap of faith there. And they go get ice cream. And Sebius, you know, it's face is covered in ice. I don't understand why they make ice cream for children. It's a children's food, right? Like, it's four. We still eat it, but it's four children, and we all know it. And you all take kids to ice cream. That's how you do it. But it's. It's just. It's a disaster every time. I've never seen a kid eat it where they just. He's rubbing it all over his whole face.

[A]

I think there has to be, like, you have to reach a certain age before you can start doing cones. I think you start off cups and spoons, and you're just. You're in cups and spoons until fourth grade. Well, this is.

[B]

This ice cream place. It's called an apostrophe ice cream. Like, nice cream. It should be called rondel cream because it looks like me in skinny jeans. It's like their cones, their cone is like a little toothpick. And then the. The rest of it, it's like a big James and the giant peach on top. It just looks. It looks like a French bulldog. A Frenchie trying to, like, stand up on a counter. You know what I mean?

[A]

I have a question. What is an appropriate age where your child should no longer have a literal, like, mask of ice cream on their face when they have ice cream from a cone? Because this kid had it all over the entire face. And I wanted to be like, geez, like, this is crazy. But I also know the kids five, so maybe, like, I don't know what age the children age out of when they eat ice cream that's on their, like, forehead and their chin. Because at a certain time, you stop eating ice cream like that, right? Like, when is it appropriate that I can shame your child for having a face of ice cream?

[B]

You know, I don't think you have to wait for the appropriate time to shame someone else's child. I think you just do It. I think it's one of those things. You can't worry about the manners of it. Yeah, you just shame a child because he.

[A]

His face was blue. Like, it was all. He had a Homer Simpson circle around his mouth of blue eyes.

[B]

I think it's just signs of future issues where your mom doesn't even wipe your face. You know what I mean? Or tell you, oh, my God, you've got ice cream all over. Like, make an effort. Okay, of course he's a kid, but wipe it or do something. Camera in a fern covered in fly. In two seconds, there's going to be flies barfing all over his face to eat the off of there in two seconds.

[A]

So can you just, like, try to fit in with the sophisticated Europeans? Like, please, please just wipe. You just use a napkin. I'm not saying the kid is wrong for getting iceman's face. I'm saying you're wrong for not wiping down his face. Please. Come on.

[B]

Yeah, it's a parental thing. It's not ice cream's fault. It's not the kid's fault. It's Adrian and Matthew Butters. It's the Butters fault. Of course their name is Butters. So you get, you know what, you get what you pay for.

[A]

They're wiping his face with, like, butter wrappers.

[B]

Butter. Like the literally the least polite thing ever. Like, the least polite food ever. It's the oiliest, greasiest, sticks all over. Everything leaves tracks forever. So, of course.

[A]

So Adrian. Adrian's like, living abroad with kids will be challenging for sure, but because they're so young, hopefully they'll adapt to a new culture nicely. I was like, let the first part of that cultural adaptation be a napkin. Just let. Please, please let it be a napkin.

[B]

So Marta, the real estate lady is like, oh, we have a wonderful country. We're small, but we have many attractions. I think you'll be very, very happy here. And Matthew goes, I think you'd like cannabis, Marta. Just saying, just saying. I was like, this guy.

[A]

She's like, get out.

[B]

She hates him. I love how much Martha hates. Openly hates Matthew. She just looks at him like he's the biggest piece of.

[A]

She does.

[B]

She's also right about it. Matthew has this kind of humor that's like. He's acting like he's kidding, but he's got. He seems mean.

[A]

He's. He is doing that typical thing of. Yeah, I love cannabis. I want to surf. I want to live the surfing lifestyle. But he's, like, mean and passive aggressive the entire Episode one of those people who's like mean but tries to come back too. Oh, 100. I thought he was really nasty.

[B]

I thought he was too, but he's hiding it under disguise of like, I'm hilarious, you know. And then Adrian is nicer, you know, but she's also. She says things a couple of times like, oh, I get it. It's the mat show. Well, you bought tickets to the show. Not only that, you the show. And you had baby shows from the show. Why would you do that? You.

[A]

You get. You stuck your finger in the Butters. Okay, so Lynn, so now Linda comes out of nowhere. She's like, hi, it's Linda here again. I just have to interrupt this travesty of an American experience. In Portugal, invaders have been trying to lay claim to Portugal's southern chorus for thousands of years. Up until here, Adrian and Matt Butters. And their influence is still evident in the area's architecture.

[B]

Fun fact, the Moors conquered the southern coast of Portugal in the 8th century. I was like, you know what this family needs? No Moors ice cream.

[A]

Okay? The Moors were going to stay here until they had a prophecy that an awful family called Butters would be moving in someday. So out went the Moors. They left.

[B]

Being known as Europe's biggest secrets can have its drawback. And then we go to Marta and she's like, listen, it's not easy to find a long term rental that we are in a holiday area here. Hence people prefer to rent short term. And Matt's like, well, if it's the right space, we're going to make it happen. And Adrian tells us that.

[A]

I was about to say, Martha's just trying to be like, go to a different town. Get out of here, please. Yeah, not though we don't have houses here.

[B]

She's like, I only deal with tourists and I still hate you.

[A]

Okay, yeah, people don't live here, actually. These are all illusions. You should go somewhere. Maybe go to England, go somewhere else, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah. So he's a breadwinner, but Adrian controls the money. And Matt's like, yeah, that's probably a good thing because I can't save. And she's like, oh my God, it's so cute. He's so immature. He's like a big baby, can't deal with money. God, I love him so much. Can't wait to get pregnant again.

[A]

We would like to be 15 minutes from our kids school and also 15 minutes from the beach. And I'm sure that's probably pretty hard to find, which by the way rereading this now, can we please put, like, a mental bookmark on saying we'd like to be 15 minutes from the beach? Because.

[B]

Well, also. But she also has such a specific. We want to be 15 minutes from the beach and 15 minutes from the school. You are so mediocre. Like, you don't even strive for something better. Can't you say, I want to be five minutes? I want to be on the beach, and I want the school to be on the beach as well. Like, you know what I mean? She's aiming for pure mediocrity. She's like, whatever, Wherever you find us. I want it to be close to nothing thing. Okay.

[A]

I want it to be 50. Okay.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

I'm gonna unbookmarket. Because I'll just say it now that later on she's very upset that they're 20 minutes from the ocean. You're like, oh, that does suck. But then it's like, but you said you were down for 15 minutes from the ocean. So now I. I'm like, you. You created this mess. So she wants a two bedroom and she wants a bathtub. And by the way, that bathtub request goes wholly ignored for the rest of the episode. I just want to point out.

[B]

And he does.

[A]

He does. And then Matt's like, I want a large bathtub. Maybe one you can swim in. Because it's not enough just to be by the beach. We also need to have a pool for $3. We're only willing to spend $3.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like, you might call me a dreamer. I'm looking for something larger, detached, three bedrooms, an office space, pinata factory. Just because I love the smell of fresh candy being pressed into a newspaper donkey.

[A]

Yeah. I want to invent my own type of tin fish for Portugal. I know they're really big into tin fish, but I want to make my own. Like, what about, like, tinned spider crab? How about that?

[B]

So Adrian's like, oh, don't forget a place to grow. And he goes, oh, yeah, I do. You need a huge garden, but it's not a place to grow cannabis. Okay. Just so you know, just vegetables.

[A]

Just so that way the authorities know it's purely going to be vegetables. No cannabis whatsoever.

[B]

And Martha's like, and what are you willing to spend? $3, $4? He's like, $4 and 50 cents. And she's like, I die. Just die, American.

[A]

She literally mumbles. They cut to her going, probably not going to happen.

[B]

Marta is one of my favorite real estate people in a Long time. I have to say, she is hilarious.

[A]

She's the st. Disgusted by everything that's happening here. She hates the show, she hates the people. She hates that she woke up to do this. She's like, I put on my pretty dress that looks like Portuguese style. And this is what deal with.

[B]

So they go to Portuguese first, which is a little village, and it's 10 minutes walk to the beach. It's a first floor apartment. It. This apartment place is beautiful. It looks like temples or like they're.

[A]

All white stucco with sort of like architectural touches. And by the way, this episode was one of the most beautiful episodes of House Hunters I feel like we've seen. It was gorgeous.

[B]

It really is gorgeous. And you can tell the difference in. When they shoot in like 2021, like this one, and when they were shot in, you know, obviously 2011, like a lot.

[A]

2011 in Destin, Florida, versus like HD 2021 in Portugal. It's like, oh, there seems one. One seems just a little bit prettier.

[B]

Yeah. But for real, this was. I was like, wow, what a feast for the eyes.

[A]

I was like, I want to move here. So there is this place. And Matt's like, apartment. That's not quite what I was looking for. At least me, like, doesn't have garden space. And Marta, like points to like a little box. That's good. It's like the sidewalk. It's like the sidewalk planter that's.

[B]

They're in the front yard.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's. It's literally like. What would you call that? Like a two by two plot of plot of yard.

[A]

It was like a sidewalk. Really tiny. It was like future space for a sidewalk. Like, there was a hole in the sidewalk. That's your garden now.

[B]

There was actually like the. The cement cover for the water line that goes. I was like, there's literally nowhere that he's going to be able to plant here. And I love that Mart is like, oh, off. You know, just off.

[A]

He's like, well, it's a little smaller than I was thinking, sir. How about you get a garden box? Okay. There is such a thing as urban farming. So Marta is like, well, I thought. I thought most of you, Adrian, when I got. I got you this two bedroom, two bath. It's 1100 per month. And I really was thinking about you, Adrian. Blink once if you need to get out of this butter's man's life. I will save you. I'll take you to Lisbon, find you a good man.

[B]

And this is way under budget. This is only 1100amonth. And they actually said 1600. I don't know if we actually said the amount. So Adrian's like, yeah, that gives us money to save. I mean, not that Matthew cares. And it's very pretty inside.

[A]

It is actually very beautiful.

[B]

They've. It's all brown tiles, like, Saltillo tiles or whatever. And then there's, like, one of those curved ceilings, like a vaulted ceiling almost.

[A]

When they walk in, you walk into, like, a little hallway with, like, a vaulted ceiling with, like, sort of brick tile. And Adrian goes, oh, well, this hallway is a bit small. And Martha goes, yeah, it's an apartment.

[B]

Yeah. What do you expect? Like a grand hall? Adrian, don't make me not like you. Okay?

[A]

Come on, Adrian.

[B]

Yeah. And so she goes, interesting ceiling. And Matt goes, I like the tiles, and I love that Marta has to say this 20 times whenever they. About something. She's like, portuguese style. Portuguese style, Portuguese style. I just want her to put it on a little. Record it on a button, and just press it over in a Portuguese style. Stupid.

[A]

We should be grateful that neither Matt nor Adrian ever said, I like this, but I want to be someplace that feels more like Portugal, because that's, like, my.

[B]

My.

[A]

I can't say I'm why people do that. So the kitchen was. You know, I actually thought the kitchen was nice. I felt like this entire apartment would be a really good option for, like, a single person or a duo.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But, like, for a family of four, it was tight. But the kitchen was actually. Even though it was small, I thought it was very cute. And it was updated even though it only had two burners on the. On the stove, and there was, like, a lot of light. I. And there was. The tiling was really cute. So I was. Was, like, not totally mad at this.

[B]

It was tiny, but the place, overall, I think, was so.

[A]

I was like, ronnie would love to live here. I felt like this.

[B]

That's totally my style, that place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So the first bedroom is real small, but they're gonna make it the kids room. And Adrian's like, but that's too close to the door. And did she. Matthew would definitely.

[A]

No, she said Theos would definitely leave. I was like, oh. So I wrote, can you put a lock on it? Can you lock your doors at all so that way your child can't run off into the streets?

[B]

Yeah. Lock your kid in his room or something. I mean, girl, if your kid's, like, got that big of a problem, I don't know, lock him. Put a. Put a shock collar on him or something.

[A]

Yeah. And one of those invisible fences. Yeah, now we're talking. Beeps, napkins.

[B]

And it goes too far. It shocks him.

[A]

Get a ring, camera. You know, something. Come on. There's. There's solutions.

[B]

So she knocks off a bed knob. And they're like, oh, my God. Don't feel embarrassed or anything. I'm like, well, it's a knock offable bed knob. Who has that? This place. Get me out of here. Marta, what the hell kind of place are you showing me?

[A]

Marta is just glaring. Like, of course the Americans would come in and destroy a bed. Like a. Like a bed knob. Yeah, bed knob and a broomstick. So then they go to another bedroom and there's like an arch in the ceiling. And Adrian's like, wow, I don't think I've ever seen anything like this. This March is like Portuguese style. You never heard of an arch before? You've never seen an arch. Dumb American.

[B]

Stupid.

[A]

Stupid.

[B]

So Matt's like, well, maybe I have high expectations, but this is not the large detached place I'm looking for with a nice garden space. And Martha goes, there's the bathroom. Love her.

[A]

Oh, the bathroom does have a tub. And there's really cute tile in there too. And Matt's like, this is a good place that you can. Can hide with a glass of wine. And Adrian's like, or we can bathe the children. Maybe you're not familiar with that concept since you never help out.

[B]

No. And there's a surfboard hanging up. And in the living room, it's like a cute living room. Small again. It's small, but still cute. And Adrian goes, so the fireplace is nice. I would think in the Argarve or golf, whatever, you wouldn't need a fireplace. But I mean, whatever. And Martha's like. Like is very typical Portuguese style. He's. I'm so glad an American could come here to tell me how we don't have fireplaces here. Great.

[A]

Three days In Portugal, we use fireplace not for heating, but to burn any remnants of American culture we encounter. We just put it right in the fireplace and just pretend it never came into our beautiful town.

[B]

So let's see here.

[A]

So this is a nice little. There's a patio. A nice little patio. And Adrian's like, oh, it's nice out here. And there's like, definitely a different view. And Marty goes, I told you March is outwardly hostile to this family, but they're cut.

[B]

She's so. Because Adrian's kind of too. She's like, I mean, that's Just nice. Look at the patio, honey. I'm guessing the sea is somewhere out here, because the view here is just the street with the cars all over it and another apartment. So surely the sea's here somewhere, right?

[A]

Are you talking about the C or the C word? Because I think I see the C word.

[B]

I see two of them right here standing in front of me. And Matt's like, why do the chimneys look like that? And she's like, Portuguese style.

[A]

Did you not.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Did you not see the little box on the screen? Arabs were here.

[B]

More we find out from Linda, the ornamental chimneys in the Algarve are often shaped like minarets, which are towers attached to mosques.

[A]

Stupid Americans think they're terrorists and want to live in them. So I like that these people did, like, no research about Portugal. They just came here. And we're like, why does it look like that? Why is it shaped like that? Stupid.

[B]

So Adrian's like, I think I like this place more than Matthew does. And he goes, definitely. It's way too small. I'm coming here to work, and I actually need to get some work work done. So don't you have an office?

[A]

Don't you have a farm that you work on? Yeah, like, what do you. What. What. What are you doing on your laptop? That. That will make the tomatoes grow.

[B]

So.

[A]

He is basically like, I think we could afford something a little bit bigger and nicer. Stupid Marta. So now. Now they're walking around, they're walking by a bunch of crab boxes, and he's like, can't get fresh crap in Spokane. I was like, yeah. When I think of the Pacific Northwest, you know what I always think of? No fresh seafood whatsoever. That Pacific Northwest, Just like a seafood desert.

[B]

Desert, yeah. Why is he saying that? Why is he acting like that?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It's like, all we eat are hamburgers. Hey, do you have any hamburger boxes? We've got those in Spokane. He goes, wow. I mean, crabs fishing villages. This is insane, guys. And there's a cat who's meowing. It's like a cat on a sea on a roof. It's like, meow.

[A]

The animal work on this episode was fantastic. The animals really, really showed up. There's a very special moment later that I can't wait to get to, but Matt is like, yeah. The Algarve is, like, really chill. I mean, it's very family oriented and it's really diverse. And they just cut to a shot of an old white guy. I was like, okay.

[B]

Well, they did. I was wondering about that too. I was like, wow, there's. There's young white people and older white people. Thanks, house hunters.

[A]

Thank you for showing such a great example of diversity.

[B]

It's diverse in age, you know, so Adrian's like, you know, on the beach, you see all these families, which is nice. And Matt's like, and we can raise our kids multicultural. And she goes, yeah, and bilingual. And we don't have to, like, we don't live next to the ocean back home. So that's a really big difference. I mean, they have fish here. He's like, oh, my God, they have fish here.

[A]

You know what they have here that they don't have in Washington state? Coffee. And Matt's like. He's like, yeah, the beach is like the perfect place for to raise the kids because it's like a giant sandbox. Why does he make me so angry? So I don't.

[B]

He does. Me too. So they're in the car. Marta. The whole way they do this is they're in one car, Marta's in a different car. And they talk over the speakerphone. And Marta is just giving them the dirtiest look on the speakerphone.

[A]

It's hilarious. She will not let them in her car. She's not going to drive them around. She's like, no, you stay in American car. I stay in beautiful Portuguese car.

[B]

Yeah. She's just in her car alone, practicing her disapproving faces. And she's telling us, I understand Adrian, because she's a mom and I know she's looking for her family. Unfortunately, she married an idiot. Okay. Matt is like a big kid, so it's challenging. You know, he's always finding cute things to make fun of of. Very, very hilarious.

[A]

So house number two is a five minute walk to the beach. And it's a 15 minute drive to the school.

[B]

Not bad.

[A]

It's in like armaso nepada, and it's a two bedroom, two bath, and there's even a little garden plot. And Matt's like, I think we have a different definition of garden. And Marta's like, I think we have different definition of a man.

[B]

Yeah. And she's like, you're gonna have garden right here in the front. And he's like, oh, yeah, not gonna work. And she's like, they're a swimming pool. And he goes, is it private? And she's like, no, it's shared, but you can make some friends. Okay. And the price is exactly sixteen hundred dollars. Oh, I'm.

[A]

I'm sorry. That your house. That's A five minute walk from the sea, from the ocean is at this price. Does not also come with a private pool for you too.

[B]

Unbelievable. This guy.

[A]

You're low budget.

[B]

Five minutes from the ocean. It might as well be right on the freaking ocean, you piece of crap.

[A]

And he's like, why can't we. Why can't we with this, like, desirable location, also have a private pool for this low budget we want?

[B]

So there is a fish tank and a couple of fish that come with the house, which don't trust that I don't.

[A]

Don't trust it. It. Don't trust. I don't trust living things that come with houses. You know, I think I've seen enough horror movies to know that if someone's like, oh, I come with the house. I've been with this house for 70 years. You're like, it's haunted. So this is haunted by some fish?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, God. Fish haunting would be the worst. Yes, the dead eyed fish haunting.

[A]

So it's pretty dark, but it's just the worst.

[B]

The kitchen's big, but it's really dated, you know, I don't. This place isn't as cute as much more old looking, but it is bigger. There's more functional.

[A]

It's more functional, but it's. Yeah, it's. It's not as cute as the first one. And you know, Adrian likes the light in the. In the patio and everything. And then they go to the bathroom and there's like a shower. And Matt's like, that's not a shower. This is a broom closet.

[B]

Yeah, shut up, Matt.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Okay, you're thin. You be quiet.

[A]

Night. Be quiet.

[B]

So then there's a bidet. And he's like, we can sell our stocks of toilet paper we've been hoarding. Martha's like, whatever you want.

[A]

At least he didn't think it was a sink. I was. I thought he was gonna be like, what's that? I was actually very impressed that he knew it was a bidet. And so then they got. The primary bedroom is large, you know, and there's like a big bed. And they're like. Adrian's like, oh, it's bouncy. And he's like, we could use that to our advantage. Marta's like, hold on one second. Hold on. On. Let me get my face ready. Hold on. Here we go. Felt good. That felt very good.

[B]

And he. There's like a gamer chair on this big corner desk.

[A]

Yeah. What was that?

[B]

And he's like, is this traditional Portuguese? She's like, Oh, I hate you so much. Not the Portuguese style. Okay? You got me to say it. And he goes, yeah, more of an antique. And he sits and he starts spinning around in the chair. Cuz he's wacky, and that's what wacky people do. And he's like, I think these stairs down into the living room are a hazard. You want a pool with two tiny children? There is no bigger hazard than a pool with two tiny children, you jackass. Why don't you just ask them for a bedroom with electricity holes big enough that they can stick their fingers into? Dumb.

[A]

I was going nuts. Every time they looked at, like, a single step, I'm like, that's a hazard. I'm like, you are. You want your children to be raised surfing on the beach? And you're like, that's a hazard. The steps are a hazard. Okay, here's the surfboard kid. Go run in the. Go play in the wild, untamed ocean.

[B]

Yeah. So Matt's like, It's worrying me how positive Adrian's getting because she's really trying to get me into this one, and I'm not gonna take it. So then there's like, the small, tiny, little outdoor space with a chain link fence around it, which, you know, granted, is not great.

[A]

It's not charming, and it's not.

[B]

There's also not a gate to go.

[A]

Out of the fence. It's like a cage. It is literally like. It's the. It is like a chain link fence. The style almost like. Like a base. Like, if you go to a park and there's like a baseball diamond or something that's like, painted green.

[B]

And like, if there's a fire and you're running out and you're like, oh, my God, there's a fire in the front of the house. You would have to run out and climb the fence. Like, it just doesn't make. It's weird. It's not great spring.

[A]

It's a strange touch. And Matt's like, what? He's basically like, well, it's a great place for kids to run, but not for growing crops. I'm like, if you wanted to grow crops, why are you moving to a city? Just answer me that.

[B]

Yeah, and they have grocery stores here. Okay, Spokane, like, with your. Like, I'm gonna grow my one thing of lettuce and my five tomatoes. Like, go to the store like everybody else. You don't need your garbage garden.

[A]

Okay, yeah, shut up with your farm to stupid produce. So.

[B]

Because then you're stuck with your tomatoes. Nobody wants to Eat your fresh covered in tomatoes. Nobody wants to. I'm sorry to all of you people out there who are excited about the one pickle you grew outside or whatever the hell, but.

[A]

Yeah. And by the way, also especially no one in Portugal, where I'm sure they have people who are like, making beautiful. Like, it's like going to Italy and being like, I want a plot of. I want a little garden out back so I can grow some tomatoes. And you're like, hey, you want to try my homegrown tomatoes? When it's like Italy and all the tomatoes are like, delicious and amazing, and people have been doing it for hundreds of years and know how to make a proper tomato. And he is coming with his like to make this single tomato he grew in his porch. That's it. So don't.

[B]

You're Italian, neighbor. Hey, you should come over to my house. I'm gonna make some pasta. They're like, off, you know, just off, off. So there is a pool there, but it's a shared pool. And Adrien is smarter, so she's like, well, that's how kids meet each other at the pool. You go to the pool, you see other kids.

[A]

More parents to take, keep an eye on the kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. And. But he's like. He's like, well, she goes, I really like the house. I think it's magical. Is it considered a house? Cuz it's still attached. Okay. It's like, nothing extravagant.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

I like, that's close to the beach, but we'll just like, like suffer well at home. Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to suffer in your house with its pool and it's one step.

[B]

In the living room, 100%.

[A]

How are you going to survive?

[B]

So Martha's like, well, he says, I want. Marta just gives him a dirty look.

[A]

Which is like, dice, please die.

[B]

And yeah. And he's like, I want a detached house with farmland. Okay. I mean, listen, for the right location, there isn't a limit. It's like, there is a limit, though, Matt. You're like, you're a farmer. You. You make a certain. Your money is limited.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Saying there's a budget limit, sir. So he's like, I mean, so I'm sorry, everybody. So Adrian's like, your feelings on money. I mean, not to answer it for you. He goes, you're about to. She goes, well, but you don't value money, and some people do, guys. He's a dreamer, which is great because it's gotten us to where we are, like, where are you? Where are you? You literally just bust over to Portugal. Like, nobody even. You don't even know where you are. You didn't even Google this place first. What, did he just wake up and throw you on the Greyhound this morning?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Where exactly are you? She's like, married to the heir to a dairy fortune. Matt Butters. So March is like, okay, idiots. I have other option that is bigger. And it is a completely independent house on a pile of sand. Okay, you ready to go? So they go over there and. But before we do that, we see Matt cliff diving. I'm like, God forbid, all of a sudden, the people who are worried about the hazard of like a staircase, like a. Two steps in their living room now diving off of a cliff into water.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like, oh, my God, you're so close to the beach. Wherever you're at here, our expressions are. Our expectations are high. So it's going to be tough. But, you know, we're away from family, so we got to make it worth it. And Adrian goes, yeah, we only have each other, so that's gonna be great. What am I doing?

[A]

Because I'm always trying to face my fears head on. Like my fear of my son falling over down one step of staircase. And even in sports that I like pursuing and surfing or like using napkins, I like to face my fears head on. And getting involved in an international opportunity is a risk, but a lifetime opportunity that I just couldn't turn down. It gives me a chance to set the standard of for large, large scale medical cultivation.

[B]

Now, I will say Matt is kind of an ass, but I have to give him credit where credit is due. He's hot.

[A]

He's really cute.

[B]

This is him, like paddle boarding, shirtless. And I was like, okay, like, I can see it. You go, Adrian. So Adrian's like, yeah, he's really super passionate about it. And he says, yeah, weed. I love weedy weed. Weed, weed, weed.

[A]

We know HGTV is like, this isn't really our brand, but we'll just pretend like we didn't notice that. So Matt's like, I love gardening. It's what I do for my profession. So, like, without being able to garden at home, like, I'm not sure how that's going to play out for us. Well, then go to a. Don't try to. Don't try to get an apartment on a shoestring budget on the beach and then be like, oh, why can't I grow a crop here?

[B]

Yeah. So Marta's like, well, Adrian's a reasonable one. Matt's dreaming too much for the opportunity. I want to show him what he wants. It's far from the beach, but it's his own house. So let's go see. Because it's too expensive too. So let's see what this stupid thing does. So she's like, and now look, house number three and Adrian. So they go to this like farm, and it's only 20 minutes away from the beach, but apparently in this tiny place that is very far because it looks totally different. It's. It really is. Like.

[A]

There'S a horse walking with like a seagull on its back. Back. I was like, wow, this is. This is like Appalachia for Portugal right now. They're like, oh, you got the, the seagulls on the horses.

[B]

Yeah. And it doesn't look like super fertile land either. It looks kind of like a desert farm. It says. Yeah. So Marta's like, okay, well this is 20 minutes driving to the beach and 15 minutes to school. And Adrian's like, I mean, I kind of like that. I hear animals. Is that animals? She goes, oh, you'll be hearing lots of animals. And Martha's saying it like, yeah, have fun living on a farm. You're never gonna choose this.

[A]

It's like a pack of wild dogs attacking each other. It's like, yes, we have. Over in this area we have wild dogs. In this area we have rabbit dogs. And in this area we have rabbit dogs fighting wild dogs. And in this area, this is just little white birds riding on larger animals. They just love it over there.

[B]

Yeah. And Matt's like, oh my God, stab me in the face. I wanted three bedrooms and this one is 150 over budget. And he's like, but you know, I do like that there's a farm. Well, his wife is looking at it like, who's going to take care of all this land? Me. Who's going to clean this big ass house? Me. Who's going to be out there picking up miniature horse? Me. Okay. This guy's not going to do anything.

[A]

Yeah. She's like, well, I mean, it's over budget, but that's okay. We don't need to do any traveling. We can just, just stay home because we can't afford to do anything. He's like, yeah, exactly. So. So now they're walking through. So it's a opposite to house. So it's bigger, so it's nice. The kitchen's very cute. There's again, lots of Portuguese tile. That's really lovely. And Bricks and high ceilings and counter space. And then Adrian's like, oh, and there's a friend on the ceiling, and there's like a grasshopper up there. And March is like, we are in countryside, so you have to get used to that. I mean, listen, I don't like it either. Let's be honest.

[B]

It's like Portugal style. You idiot.

[A]

Hey. She's like, you idiots. This is supposed to be the shitty house that we. That your husband's not supposed to like. Okay? Just go with it. Okay?

[B]

I know. And she's. Now, this step down into the living room is much smaller, but still Adrian's like, oh, my God, I don't like that step down. It's like you were just fine with the step down of the other one, and it was much steeper.

[A]

Okay, yes. Just fine with. Still a little concerned about the kids. What if they. What if they fall once and then learn that you can't go running over steps? What if that happens?

[B]

Yeah, but, you know, it's totally safe for babies to be around farm animals. Just send them out there.

[A]

A pack of wild dogs outside attacking each other.

[B]

Cy is going to get eaten by that miniature horse or something. I know.

[A]

So then Matt's just being awful. He's, like, pretending a carpet is a surfboard because I guess it's the first time he's seen an area rug. So he's, like, really thrilled. And then he's like, there should be a bear mounted on this fireplace.

[B]

Oh, God, would you settle for an otter? Because I'll match you above that fireplace. So Marta's like, oh, and there's a loft there. I was thinking that could be our office space, Matt. And he's like, but you can hear me up here. And guess what that means. I can hear you. And he smiles, but he's being an asshole like usual. And Adrian goes, yeah, that's a problem. And Marta goes, well, I was thinking of this room being the kids room, and there's kind of like a lad stair thing. And I like that. Marta is just, like, wanting to put the kids in danger at every moment at this point. She's like, I can't wait to see your kids climb up this ladder at 2 years old.

[A]

Adrian's like, those stairs are dangerous. So Matt's just like, oh, we'll just put a. We'll put a gate on the stairs. Problem solved. I'm like, we'll put a gate on you, Matt. That's how we solve our problem.

[B]

My hot. So he's like, leaning up against a Ceiling beam. He's like, let me just flex for a minute here. I was like, okay, you're likable and your arms down. Hate you again. So he's like, so this house is great. Adrian's just not admitting it because she. Because of the price. It's too expensive. And she's like, well, I mean, this room's good. And goes, yeah, there's two sinks. You can go ahead and trash yours, and I can keep mine clean.

[A]

Oh, dick. The shower is amazing. It's like a walk in shower. And it's got, like, mosaic tiling, so it's like, that's a good shower, I have to say. And then they have a giant, giant swimming pool out back that has this sort of like, ramshackle canopy over it. And it's nice and everything, but there's no fencing. So Adrian's like, well, now I have to keep an eye on the kids all day long when they're in the backyard. So they're either running from rabid dogs or drowning in the pool. Really excited about this.

[B]

Yeah. And they talk about it being rocky out there, but he's like, I can change it. I'm a master gardener. And Adrian's like, this is not us on the same page. This is overwhelming with the kids and everything. And he's like, I mean, it's a little distance from the beach, but isn't it worth it to have more privacy? No, it's not. You just want her stuck there and unable to go have fun without you all day. She's gonna literally be stuck there with the beach. At least she could walk the beach, walk around the market. Yeah. People talk. I think he's.

[A]

He's.

[B]

I think he's trying to keep her separated. There. I'm saying it. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Separate her from the world.

[A]

He's like, I think what makes us work is that we're opposites. Like, without her, I'd probably get into trouble. And without me, she'd probably have a little bit more of a mundane life. I was like, she'd probably have a happy life. I think that's the word you were looking for.

[B]

Mundane. How dare you.

[A]

You're the one who's forcing her to stay at home.

[B]

Interesting. You're so interesting, Matt. You. You surf and you have tattoos. Whoa. That's. You like weed? That is. Is so interesting. It's so unique, Matt.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Loser.

[A]

So they curious with this guy?

[B]

This guy? I thought this was going to be a fun, loving episode where I was going to love them. I just. No, Matt.

[A]

No, I know. He really was terrible. So then, now it's time to deliberate. So they both agree, like, the house number one is just too small. Like, good vibes, but not for us. They just crossed that one off. So now it's between house number two, which she wants, and house number three, which he wants. Wants. So house number two, she's like, well, there's like, by the way, there's a guitar in the living room and I think that's calling your name. The house comes with the guitar. And that's when we cut to him playing the guitar. And Martha just looking at it like, I'm going to change professions and leave this country now I've lost my love for this.

[B]

So they decide to get rid of the. Oh, here's my note. He has mean eyes. Okay. So then they decide that the modern apartment is not great, so they X that one. Did you already say this?

[A]

I did say that, yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry. I totally farted. I totally farted in my brain. Okay, so space for the kid guitar in the room, right? You said that already. Okay, so he's like, you're very convincing. Strike two, Martha. I didn't like that second place either. So now, of course, it's. He's only going to settle for the country home, right?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And she's like, but please, no. And she's like, you made me move for your career and you promised me the beach and the lifestyle. And he's like, well, I'm pretty convinced. Fenced.

[A]

Yeah. And she goes, oh, on the semi. Semi detached house. He goes, good joke. So she's like, but it's realistic. It's close to the beach and, you know, to be there every day, that's like why we moved here. It's like a good option. And he goes, but the great option would be the country house that's in the middle of the Martian landscape up there in the north and blazing hot with the death trap pool. Hello.

[B]

And she's like, but it's far and the farm doesn't seem manageable. And he goes, I'm literally I a farm manager. And she goes, oh, my God. But you do that at work. Like, you don't have to do that at home. And, you know, the kids can make friends at the other home. Like, who are they going to make friends with here, a horse? And he's like, disagree. My kids need space to run. She goes, she's raising your children, sir. You're bringing her to a foreign land. She doesn't. They don't know anybody you're such an.

[A]

So then she's like, well, they would get lost in the country home and we'd have to go on a search. And I. But I can tell what you want and what you're looking for. And of course it's the Match Show. So then I can't believe letting him.

[B]

Get away with this. You suck. And your whole, oh, I control the money. You do. You control nothing. You made the biggest mistake of your life. I can't believe you married this loser. And guess what? He has you out in that house in the middle of nowhere so you can make.

[A]

Make.

[B]

You can be friends with nobody. He's gonna take the only car for the day and he's gonna go somebody else within two seconds. Because to people there like some new guy, some fresh meat who works out all the time and is that hot is gonna get some. Okay, he's gonna be cheating on you in two seconds. So have fun at your farm out in the middle of goddamn nowhere, you idiot. Adrian. You idiots.

[A]

Yeah, she goes, as long as I can be by the pool with a glass of wine, I guess it'll be okay for me. She's like, like, okay, well, if this is going to be my life, I'm going to get myself wasted because I've. I've given up. I've given up. It's going to be your house. It's just going to be. I'm going to keep. I'm going to put in one solid year of living in Portugal and then I'm filing for divorce.

[B]

I wish. I hope so for her sake, because this looks miserable. So I hope that there's a farmer down the way that's really hot and single and she needs to borrow some sugar or something.

[A]

I hope so too. But the house.

[B]

Hoping she escapes.

[A]

The house is nice, by the way. It's a cute house. It's just. It totally does not address any of her needs or wants.

[B]

Yeah, what's the thing, right? It's like nothing. It's like you make somebody. You control somebody enough and make them move where you want to do your stupid weed business. And it's not even your business, by the way. You're just working somewhere and you don't even let her live by the damn beach or make a friend let her.

[A]

Have her beach access. Even though she did say she'd be okay with a 15 minute drive, still let her have her beach access. Let her go out there and read her Chiclet on the. On the beach. Although that sounded so that's how it's not.

[B]

It's not even the distance. It's the farm. It's the taking care of the animals on the farm. I think to make somebody do like, I'm already raising your children. Now I have to raise your horse. That's not even yours. Gross.

[A]

Stupid. Gross. Marta Saver. Marta.

[B]

Yeah, Martha. Get in there. I hope Martha does show up with one of those white vans like on Dr. Phil and be like, don't worry, I'm kidnapping you. Just be quiet.

[A]

I'm taking you to Madera.

[B]

Yeah, get her the hell out of there. All right, everybody. Well, thanks so much for being here. If you do want to go watch this, don't forget the episode name is.

[A]

Global Growing in Portugal. House Hunters International, volume seven on Max. Yes.

[B]

And thank you so much for being here with us for Wondry plus and all that good stuff. We love you guys and we will talk to you next time.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

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