Watch What Crappens: “Dwell Hello #312 – House Hunters International: Growing in Portugal”

Episode Overview

In this delightfully catty recap, Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam dive into an episode of House Hunters International ("Global Growing in Portugal") featuring an American family’s move from Spokane, Washington to the Algarve, Portugal. As always, the hosts mix affectionate mockery, humor, and genuine exasperation as they dissect both the House Hunters formula and the unique personalities in this particular episode. The result is an episode packed with observations about cultural differences, questionable life decisions, and some truly unforgettable names.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet the Family: The Butters Clan (01:44–11:45)

• Matthew and Adrian Butters relocate to Portugal with their two young sons, Sibius and Theos.
• Audience Participation: The hosts introduce listener requests and invite more for future episodes (04:58).
• Notable Quote: Ben exclaims, “Their son is named Sibius. P S Y B I O U S… there is a Reddit thread about this name because people were so confused they could not believe it.” (08:50)
• Mockery of Unique Names: The hosts riff on Sibius and Theos, joking about their sci-fi fantasy origins and the clashing last name "Butters." (“Why are we naming these children with sci fi names from like a different era or multiverse, but their last name is still Butters?” - Ben, 14:13)
• Characterization: Matt is portrayed as a guitar-strumming, cannabis-loving, surf-dreaming “dreamer”—with a bit of a mean streak.

2. Why Move to Portugal? (15:06–19:29)

• Key Motivation: Matt is moving for a new job in medical cannabis; the lure of Europe’s “Gold Rush” for cultivation is strong.
• Adrian expresses mixed feelings but ultimately concedes to the lure of beautiful Portuguese beaches.
• Family dynamics: Ronnie and Ben repeatedly highlight a power imbalance in the relationship, noting that Adrian’s needs seem secondary to Matt’s ambitions.

3. The House Hunt & Realtor Marta’s Reluctant Guidance

The Wish List (22:05–24:29)

• Requirements: 2+ bedrooms, bathtub, garden (but not for growing cannabis—wink), 15 minutes to both the beach and school, $1,600/month max.
• Host Reaction: The hosts hilariously deride the mediocrity of wanting to be “15 minutes from the beach.”

House #1: Charming Apartment in Porches (25:06–32:43)

• Specs: 10-min walk to the beach, two bedrooms, cute Portuguese style, tiny “garden” (i.e., sidewalk planter).
• Host Reactions:
  • The apartment is beautiful but impractical for a family of four.
  • Marta’s Disapproval: “Marta is just glaring. Like, of course the Americans would come in and destroy a bed.” (29:50)
  • Quote: “It's literally like... a two by two plot of yard.” (26:14)
  • Adrian is won over; Matt is not.

House #2: Semi-Detached with Shared Pool (35:44–41:47)

• Specs: Five minutes to the beach, 15 minutes to school, garden plot (again, tiny), shared pool.
• Highlights & Criticisms:
  • The interior is larger and more functional, but less charming.
  • The outdoor space is compared to a “chain link cage.”
  • Matt wants a private pool for their low budget; Marta responds with classic Portuguese bluntness.
  • Memorable Marta reaction: “I think we have different definition of a man.” (36:08)

House #3: Rustic Country House (45:16–50:59)

• Specs: 20 mins from the beach, 15 to school, actual farm, large pool, over budget.
• Concerns: Adrian is overwhelmed by the isolated location and practicalities (“Now I have to keep an eye on the kids all day long when they're in the backyard... running from rabid dogs or drowning in the pool.” – 49:58)
• Matt is enchanted by the space and “room to grow,” but Adrian is stuck thinking about chores and isolation.
• Host Speculation: The hosts suspect Matt’s choices are more about control than family happiness.

MVP: Marta the Realtor (Throughout)

• Fan Favorite: Ben and Ronnie fall in love with Marta, the ever-exasperated, openly dismissive realtor, who is clearly unimpressed by her American clients (“She’s the St. Disgusted by everything that’s happening here. She hates the show, she hates the people, she hates that she woke up to do this.” - Ben, 24:54)
• Signature Bit: Marta’s repeated, deadpan utterance of “Portuguese style” in response to every confused question about local architecture.
• Quote: “I only deal with tourists and I still hate you.” (21:53)

4. Ridiculing the Search (& Each Other)

Cultural Cluelessness (27:02+, 32:11+, 34:45+)

• Ben and Ronnie repeatedly lampoon the Butters’ apparent lack of research into Portuguese culture (“Did you not see the little box on the screen? Arabs were here.” – Ben, 32:12)
• Commentary on American expat entitlement and the fantasy of “starting fresh” without regard to reality.

Parenting Styles & Ice Cream Debates (16:17–18:42)

• The hosts go off on the acceptable age for a child to have ice cream smeared all over their face, with Ronnie insisting, “You don’t have to wait for the appropriate time to shame someone else’s child. I think you just do it.” (17:52)

The Final Decision (51:15–55:15)

• Ben and Ronnie express real frustration as Matt’s preferences win out.
  • Quote: “You made me move for your career and you promised me the beach and the lifestyle. And he's like, well, I'm pretty convinced. Fenced.” (52:48)
• The hosts lambast Adrian for giving in (“You made the biggest mistake of your life. I can't believe you married this loser... Have fun at your farm out in the middle of goddamn nowhere, you idiot.” – Ronnie, 54:18)
• Both hosts hope Marta will rescue Adrian (“Marta, get in there. I hope Marta does show up with one of those white vans like on Dr. Phil and be like, don’t worry, I’m kidnapping you. Just be quiet.” – Ben, 56:06)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I want to have someone who has great SEO as a child.” – Ben, discussing Matt’s naming strategy (12:34)
• “You control nothing. You made the biggest mistake of your life.” – Ronnie, on Adrian’s lack of agency (54:05)
• “Why don't you just ask them for a bedroom with electricity holes big enough that they can stick their fingers into? Dumb.” – Ronnie, mocking Matt’s safety concerns (39:13)
• “[Marta’s] signature Portuguese style: Disapproving faces, honest answers, and a desperate urge to just be done.” (Throughout)
• The entire riff on American expats, from "bad guitar-playing" to “sticking out like butter in Portugal.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:46] Ben’s HGTV Twitter Fame Anecdote
• [08:50] Introduction and dissection of the name “Sibius”
• [15:06] Matt’s medical cannabis career explanation
• [19:14] Adrian on adapting to Portugal (asks for “napkin culture”)
• [24:27] Setting expectations: 15 minutes from both beach and school
• [25:06–32:43] House #1 Tour and Reactions
• [35:44–41:47] House #2 Tour, fish tank, and “cage yard”
• [45:16–50:59] House #3: The "Appalachia" of Portugal and power struggles
• [51:15–55:15] The decision, disappointment, and the hosts' emotional summing up

Episode Tone

The episode is marked by classic Crappens snark—playful, biting, and sometimes poignantly frustrated when empathy for the show’s participants overcomes the laughs. Ben and Ronnie channel both the voice of the incredulous viewer and the voice of long-suffering realtors everywhere. Their running jokes about American cluelessness, House Hunters tropes, and outlandish baby names are matched only by their affection for Marta and genuine sympathy for Adrian.

Summary for New Listeners

If you haven’t heard this episode, expect a hilarious, rapid-fire recap full of Bravo-caliber shade, real concern for fish-out-of-water expats, and a deep dive into the absurdities of international house hunting TV. Whether you care about House Hunters or not, the hosts’ banter, memorable one-liners, and allegiances (Team Marta!) make for an entertaining listen.