Dwell Hello #314: The Great Dallas Dilemma

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens – "Dwell Hello #314: The Great Dallas Dilemma"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: July 14, 2023
Episode Theme:
Ben and Ronnie bring their signature blend of loving mockery to a special House Hunters episode, "The Great Dallas Dilemma" (Season 172, Episode 2). They take listeners on a hilarious, affectionate, and occasionally savage journey through the adventures of Steven and Allison—founders of the viral soda company Poppy—as they search for a new home in the Dallas suburbs.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Streaming Platform Confusion & House Hunters Logistics

• The hosts open by bemoaning the confusion over where to watch House Hunters due to conflicting episode groupings between Max, Discovery Plus, and YouTube TV.
  • “Episodes are classified one way on YouTube TV and classified another way on Max and Discovery Plus. ... It’s really user unfriendly.” – Ben (02:23)

2. Introducing Steven and Allison – Soda Barons in the Making

• The couple’s appearance ("gorgeous but slightly murderous" Steven, high-voiced Allison) prompts immediate psychoanalysis and playful, at times dark, speculation from Ben and Ronnie.
• Rabbit hole research reveals their beverage company, Poppy, went on to Shark Tank fame and a viral breakout after the episode.
  • "Poppy has exploded in the last year... They received like $25 million in VC money... Apparently Poppy became a viral sensation." – Ben (06:28)
• Ronnie can’t stand Poppy soda, recounting a prior on-air taste test: “Yeah, and it was disgusting. I spit it out.” (07:59)

3. Judging Character and Energy

• The hosts get fixated on Steven’s "look"—hot, but giving “should be on Dateline” vibes.
  • "That guy is hot. But he also looks like he kind of wants to murder his wife, you know... Like he should be on a Dateline special." – Ben (03:57, 04:25)
• Ongoing bits about Steven’s perpetual muscle-flexing and possibly having affairs.
  • "He keeps leaning on things with his arms forward so he could flex his arms... Lady Elizabeth, your husband is cheating on you." – Ronnie (05:21)

4. House Hunters Dilemma (“Dallas Dilemma”)

• Instead of anything city-infrastructural, the “Dallas Dilemma” is simply whether to live “far, far, far from the city or sort of far from the city.” (02:28)
• Ben and Ronnie mock the House Hunters’ penchant for dramatizing mundane suburban problems.

5. Dissecting Steven & Allison’s Backstory

• Steven and Allison’s origins: met at a mall, got married, started Poppy soda in their kitchen, parlayed it into a business.
  • “We met at the mall and I told her I’d date her if we could stop into the Fantastic Sam’s and make her blonde.” – Ronnie (20:21)
• Frequent jokes about Allison’s high-maintenance Dallas “energy,” her curling ironed hair, and their obsessive planning for guest rooms and pool safety (with little actual safety sensibility).

6. Deep Dive: Critique of Their Lifestyle & Decor

• Ronnie and Ben ridicule their basic, allegedly tasteless furniture, and questionable home decor choices ("terrible bachelor furniture," "no taste," "gray and hideous").
• They question whether having guest rooms and pools really serve their life, or are just checking boxes for Dallas society expectations.

7. Play-by-Play: Touring the Three Houses

House 1 - Suburban, Farmhouse-Remodeled

• Hosts love the open concept and modern style (“absolutely beautiful”), but mock Steven’s Golden Girls reference and the broccoli-shaped pool.
• Safety ironies: terrified of stairs for the kids, but fine with an unfenced pool.

House 2 - Closer-in Flip

• Generic flip with shoddy construction; dark wood floors, odd cabinets and counters.
• Extensive shade thrown at the unreliable renovation and “Home Depot purchase vanity.”
  • “It's a bad one, which is why the floors are ugly … smoke detectors hanging out of the ceiling.” – Ben (41:11)
• Still more concern for Buddy the dog than the kids’ safety.

House 3 - Technically “Closer to the City”

• Another dated home, smaller, long and narrow.
• Not a true city locale—still suburban-dull, but it boasts a large backyard (half cement, which Ben actually likes for the kids' bikes).
• Allison rejects it due to size/appearance, Steven dreams about putting in a pergola:
  • "I'd go so far as to say we can put a nice pergola back there." – Ben, quoting Steven (45:42)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “This Dallas Dilemma is: do we let a ginger into our neighborhoods?” – Ronnie (03:52)
• “I feel like every girl I know named Allison is interchangeable with every girl I know named Elizabeth.” – Ronnie (06:18)
• “Prebiotic? How about you get pre-flavor?” – Ronnie, dissing Poppy soda (10:20)
• “I thought I was going somewhere, and I really had nowhere to go. I'm still waking up.” – Ben, as conversation derails (13:09)
• “If you have a pool, more people want to come visit you. Like, we just need to call Courtney ... Oh, my God, I can't wait to see Courtney!” – Allison, via Ben (26:52)
• “How many headbands is Courtney gonna wear today? Because Courtney is what we call a headband girl.” – Ronnie on the real estate agent (27:14)
• “Is this the house from the Golden Girls?” – Steven, mocked by hosts (08:43, 29:38)
• “The only way they ever show him is leaning on something.” – Ronnie, about Steven and his muscle-flexes (16:37)
• “I know you want to have guests... but for me, if you live in the city, more people want to visit you.” – Steven, mocked by Ben and Ronnie (26:52)
• “Every room is gray and hideous. ... You two are fucking hopeless.” – Ronnie, on their final home decor (47:53)
• “In the end, it was all worth it because our investment pays off. Stephen takes off his shirt and goes swimming. And I was like, see, that's all I need.” – Ben (48:53)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:23] — House Hunters streaming confusion
• [03:57]–[04:25] — “Dateline” murder jokes about Steven
• [05:21]–[06:28] — Steven’s flexing and Poppy backstory
• [07:59] — Ronnie’s on-air taste test (“disgusting” Poppy)
• [10:07]–[14:03] — Review of Steven and Allison’s social rise, celebrity and Dallas stereotypes
• [17:25]–[18:11] — Poppy soda origin story (“soda stream at home”)
• [21:47]–[25:15] — The “kids safety” irony and role of Buddy, the dog
• [26:52]–[28:16] — Suburb vs city debate, yearning for Courtney the realtor
• [29:33]–[31:48] — Mocking suburban house remodels and layout
• [33:36]–[35:17] — Critiquing their priorities: matching countertops, safe pools, etc.
• [41:11]–[43:22] — House two’s renovation disaster details
• [45:42] — Steven’s “pergola” moment
• [47:53]–[49:04] — They pick house two; post-move-in shade, shirtless Steven finale

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Overall Tone & Reception

• Ben and Ronnie’s tone is a mix of camp affection and sharp snark. They indulge in digressions (Dallas stereotypes, guest room psychology), hyperbolic murder jokes, and running gags about up-and-coming tech founders and reality TV tropes.
• The hosts are unsparing, especially about the couple's “tastelessness,” Steven’s physicality, and House Hunters’ formulaic dilemmas—but never lose sight of the show's joyfully bitchy spirit: “We mock because we love.”

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Best For:
Anyone seeking a play-by-play recap with both context and wild tangents, plus plenty of savage humor and earnest affection—for both House Hunters and the broader reality TV circus.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[C]

Ding dong.

[A]

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's a House Hunters podcast that we do. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. We're from Watch what happens, which you probably know, but in case you came here, hey, we got a podcast all about Bravo. So anyway. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? So good, babe, good. Love to hear that. Today we are recapping House Hunters episode House Hunters, Volume 7. Oh, you can find this, by the way, on Discovery plus or on Max. Max and Discovery plus are kind of like the same, but kind of different. It's kind of annoying.

[C]

And yeah, what's the deal with that? Have they not divorced yet?

[A]

Because I don't know, I'm like, I'm paying for both and I kind of. I think I'm gonna know.

[C]

I'm gonna chop my.

[A]

Well, I thought like, maybe. Did they merge subscriptions? I can't find any good answers. So I think I'm just gonna cut Discovery plus. Guys.

[C]

I cut Discovery plus because also Discovery plus has those different tiers. So it's like one charge for Discovery plus and then there's another charge for the ad. Free discovery plus. So I'm paying like $7 plus $5 or something. Or is that peacock?

[A]

They all do.

[C]

And I don't know, I might as well have a drug habit for all I pay for the tv. I mean, there's so much shit. I mean, I know that's such an old person thing to say, isn't it? I feel like my mom, like there's so many services. There really are, though.

[A]

It's a lot.

[C]

It's a lot.

[A]

Yes, it is a lot. And what's really specifically annoying about House Hunters is that it's organized. We complain about this? Literally every episode. But it's organized strangely. It's listed. Episodes are classified one way on YouTube TV and classified another way on Max and Discovery Plus. And on top of that, the ones on Max are also siloed into collections, which makes it really user unfriendly. So this is the episode we're doing today. It's House Hunters, Regular American House Hunters, Volume 7, Season 172, Episode 2. And the title is rather bombastic for what the episode is. The title is the Great Dallas Dilemma.

[C]

So.

[A]

Should we just dive on in anything else we need to say and.

[C]

Just search the term and whatever the channel is you use, Just search for that title and it'll pop right up.

[A]

The Great Dallas Dilemma.

[C]

Yeah, the Great Dallas Dilemma.

[A]

Great Dilemma.

[C]

Shouldn't cancel it or shouldn't cancel it.

[A]

Great Dallas Dilemma.

[C]

Are you a mimicker or are you not a mimicker?

[A]

I hear something called the Great Dallas Dilemma and I think it's like. Is like Dallas is facing a dilemma. Are they going to rezone their entire cities? They're gonna be. It's gonna split in half. North Dallas, South Dallas. Is it gonna. Is there. Are they just gonna, like, bomb out the middle of downtown? But apparently in House Hunter's term, the Great Dallas Dilemma means are you gonna live far, far, far from the city or sort of far from the city?

[C]

This Dallas Dilemma is. Do we let a ginger into our neighborhoods?

[A]

So I chose this episode and I actually saw this episode a while ago and I was like, damn, that guy is hot. But he also looks like he kind of wants to murder his wife, you know, and that fascinated me.

[C]

He does. He does. That's actually such a good way to put it. He does have this weird look in his eye. Um, he's murderous. He's a murderous human being. I totally get it. And I watch a lot of murder documentaries. I can't believe I didn't think of that immediately. But he does look like a true murderous.

[A]

Like, like he should be on a Dateline special.

[C]

Oh, God, I love that show. Also, Dateline just keeps re releasing their episodes as podcasts with different titles. Like, I don't remember that. I've heard this. I've heard this. Dateline. Stop trying to fucking gaslight me, okay? I just heard the one about the lady who killed her stepson. Okay, just heard it.

[A]

Here's. Here's some true crime for Dateline to tackle. It's a missing persons case, and the. The dilemma here is, whatever happened to Stone Phillips? Can Dateline find Stone Phillips? Because where Is he.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. He's probably off skipping somewhere. Get it? So this one.

[A]

Good night, everyone. Thanks so much for listening.

[C]

We quit. We officially quit. So this guy also, I think is a murderer because he's so into himself. And I get it. Like, I'm not like, muscle shaming people, you know? Like, would I like muscles that you have and I don't have?

[A]

Of course.

[C]

You know what I mean? Am I jealous? Of course. There's, like, some of that in me. I'm. I'm not too big to admit it, but it's not just pure jealousy. But this guy's so into himself. He keeps leaning on things. Did you notice he keeps leaning on things with his arms forward so he could flex his arms. Yeah, it's like, dude, we see that you have arms. Okay, you fucking cheater. And by the way, Lady Elizabeth, your husband is cheating on you. And that's the only reason he wants to be near the center of town.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, really? I think I wrote Elizabeth 20 times.

[A]

She has Elizabeth energy, but I think her name is. Wait, is her name Elizabeth? And I just called her Elizabeth.

[C]

She has Allison energy, but her name's Elizabeth.

[A]

No.

[C]

First of all, I don't think they tell us her name until 30 minutes into it. Let me see.

[A]

Court.

[C]

Courtney is the real estate agent. Steven is the abusive murderer of a husband who keeps posing with his arms forward. And Elizabeth, the wife. Yes, Elizabeth.

[A]

Oh, my God. I wrote Allison the entire time. That is.

[C]

I feel like those are interchangeable names. I feel like every girl I know named Allison is interchangeable with every girl I know named Elizabeth. Okay, so sorry, sorry. Allison's and Elizabeth.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Her name is Allison. No, her name is Allison. So I looked up. So the reason why I was able to look this up so easily is because, as we see in the beginning, they start. These two started a beverage company called Poppy. And I looked. Poppy has, like, exploded in the past year. This was. This came out, like, probably, like, in 2017 or 18. Poppy has exploded in the past year. In December of 2022, like, six months ago, from when we're recording this, they received, like, $25 million in, like, VC money or whatever to expand. They've been on Shark Tank, and apparently Poppy, their beverage, became a viral sensation. So if you. I. If you look up Poppy, the founders are Steven and Allison Ellsworth.

[C]

So.

[A]

But she gets Elizabeth energy. What can you say?

[C]

Yeah, she does. Maybe it's the elves. Yeah. But this drink is disgusting. Right away. I'm sorry for the anti.

[A]

Have you had it?

[C]

Yes, I got it at I think Whole Foods and it's a prebiotic soda.

[A]

So fuck that.

[C]

First of all, like, why would I even buy that? But I was like, you know, gut health is important. I'm old now. So I saw prebiotic soda and they had like all these good looking. It was like ginger ale prebiotic. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Like how much, yeah, give me that. How much sauerkraut can you eat in a fucking day? Am I right, bro?

[A]

Just give me all that poppy probiotic. Put it in my brawl.

[C]

Yeah, and it was disgusting. I spit it out. I think I drank it on, on the show and was like, this is the. Literally.

[A]

I think you did actually. I actually think you did drink it. Well, guess what?

[C]

I told you I was drinking a prebiotic, probiotic thing and it was disgust. That was it.

[A]

I don't remember when that happened, but I do remember that it happened. And that was poppy. It's all comes full circle.

[C]

Well, they're killing disgusting. And their kids have probably drowned by now too, by the way.

[A]

Oh no, they won't get there.

[C]

Never mind. So anyway, just like throw them in some water. Throw them in a body of water. Speaking of murderers, fucking Alice, Elizabeth over there.

[A]

Allison is determined. So we'll, we'll. Let's just dive in. So it opens up with just a classic Steven ism.

[C]

What?

[A]

You guys, does this look like, does this look like the house from the Golden Girls as he says that, as if that's like a bad thing. Like literally the house and the Golden Girls is, is the dream house for me. Like, I love the Golden Girls house.

[C]

Well, that's when I wonder, does he have any like, by curiosity?

[A]

Because that makes it so hot.

[C]

Doesn't it make it hot? Well, also, he's already. He is kind of hot.

[A]

He's like, he's gorgeous.

[C]

He's like Wally Cleaver. And I really think that, by the way, we're going to ruin this whole recap because we're just going to talk about how hot he is because he literally is. He literally is.

[A]

He's hot.

[C]

He's hot.

[A]

So he's like. Yeah, he's like someone who fought in a world war. Yes.

[C]

Like one, like World War I. Like, you know World War I movies where you're like, oh my God, those guys are so hot. And they're all marching to their death. I wonder if they turn their pubic hair back. You'd like to start thinking about things like. Yeah, that kind of face.

[A]

And he came back from the war and he was like, always aloof afterwards. Like, that's the vibe he gives.

[C]

Yeah. So, yeah, he's hot. And anyway, the bike curiosity, not only because he's hot and because he poses with his arms out, but because he says things like golden Girls in a bad way. Like, if I hate Golden Girls, no one will think I'm attracted to dudes in the gym shower.

[A]

Sometimes it's like overcompensation. By the way, when I was looking at. At the growth of Poppy, they moved to Austin, so they're in your neighborhood. So keep an eye out for Steven.

[C]

I will, I will.

[A]

So I get some boots on the ground about Stephen and the gym showers.

[C]

I will. I don't go to the gym, but I will be passing by Stephen and saying, your soda sucks. Soda sucks.

[A]

Prebiotic. How about you get pre flavor?

[C]

So it is cool seeing somebody before they made it. These two really did make an effort. I mean, they came on House Hunters to promote their business. You know, most people don't do that. They don't have anything to promote. And these two are like, you know what? We should go on House Hunters.

[A]

Promote, Promote soda Poppy.

[C]

And it worked.

[A]

It worked. It really worked. They're huge now. And in fact, not only that. So then, because I really went. I did a deep dive. Allison, on her Instagram, she posted something. I don't know what it was, but I was looking at her posts just to see what she looked like now. And like, Olivia Munn commented. And then she was like, hey, doing great, babe. Like, in a way, like, they're friends and like your friends with Olivia Munn. And then I saw a picture of Steven hanging out with Kygo, the, like, the famous dj. I was like, what is happening? Do any of these celebrities realize these people were on House Hunters? That they have these humble beginnings?

[C]

Yeah, that's crazy. I don't know. I don't know. But now I like them more. Is that weird?

[A]

I do like them more.

[C]

That's so disgusting. Why? I think you're making me like that because I wasn't like that before, but now I'm like, oh, my God, Olivia Munn.

[A]

You know, I could make like, like, ew. I hate that. I like that. That celebrities like them. You did.

[C]

You did do it to me. Because I used to be like, that's stupid. Now I'm like, I don't even know who Olivia Munn is, but I know she's probably got a lot of followers. Wait, is Olivia Munn the one who dated Harry Styles.

[A]

No, that was Olivia something, right? That was Olivia. Yeah. Wouldn't it be funny if Olivia. Olivia Munn were Danish? Because then you could say Olivia Munn Dane. So, Linda, we start the episode.

[C]

Did you know that the Danes were Vikings? I didn't know that. And guess what? I watched six seasons or five or six seasons, plus the movie of the last Kingdom, and I didn't realize until I was like, wait a minute. I'm gonna look up the difference between Danes and What are the ones from. What are the other Vikings? There's Danes and Norwegians. Yeah. Finns, Nords, Swedes, Nords, Nordics, or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Are you low key into that stuff? Low key into that stuff?

[C]

I love that show. But I didn't realize till the end that Danes were Vikings. Like, how stupid am I?

[A]

What a toast.

[C]

They're all Danes in that show. Okay? The point is, these two became famous, and their kids probably have drowned by now.

[A]

So Linda starts it off after this snide comment about the Golden Girls house. She goes, this Dallas couple is ready to find their perfect house. But they have different opinions on what that means. Sorry, you don't have anything else? I don't have anything else to it. He's really just such a dick. He really does all the work for me.

[C]

I thought you were leading somewhere. I was just on the path. I was in the car.

[A]

I had no. I really. I thought I was going somewhere, and I really had nowhere to go. I'm still waking up.

[C]

And she has this, like, real. Like, the wife has this, like, real high kind of fakey voice. Like, she's very Dallas and.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And sorry, people in Dallas, because, you know, we're all Texans. We should stick together. Other. But within Texas, we have our different rankings of people, and Dallas is like, the snooty part of Texas. It's like the really fancy part of Texas where everybody thinks they're, like, top models, you know, like my cousin who lives in Dallas, Mary. Hi, Mary. You're not listening to this. Thanks for the support. She is always like, you know, Dallas is, like, one of the fashion capitals of the world. And I said, no, it's not. She's like, yeah, no, no. Really? I was living in New York at the time, you know, and I don't care about fashion. But I was like, it's like, literally not like, oh, it is. It is fashion capital. And they're like, look how her hair is curled. She's like, I live in a fashion capital.

[A]

So it is the home of the Linfinity dress. So, so basically we see little clips. We see Allison being like, got my pill? And then we see Steven being. He's. He is so miserable this entire episode. He is such a dick. He's like, our lives are gonna be over if we move to the suburbs.

[C]

Yeah, your life of getting your dick wet wherever you want to. You fucking Steven. By the way, you know what? He doesn't give off Steven energy. Isn't that weird? Because his wife gives off every white girl's name energy. But Stephen does not give off Steven energy. He gives off Bryce. Bryce. Yeah, John. Bryce.

[A]

John. Bryce. John. Yeah. John Bryce.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So then Linda says, with time taking on finding a home and before he cheats, their agent and family friend is doing their best to accommodate them both again.

[C]

And it's Courtney. Her friend is Courtney from down the street. She's like, I know them because I live down the street from them.

[A]

Courtney from down the street. Not. Not to be confused with Jenny from the block. Courtney from down the street. Courtney. By the way, I have to say, I.

[C]

We're a very hip hop pop. Okay.

[A]

I am so appreciative of Courtney because she took time out of auditioning to be a local anchor woman to do this show. So thank you, Courtney, for coming.

[C]

Also, I'm really glad these people became rich. I'm gonna send you this. Well, I shouldn't. I'll just describe it to you because this is audio. But you can.

[A]

This picture of them up on the screen here.

[C]

It's. It. Oh, yeah. Because we're on video, even though we're not presenting to you guys. Sorry, private video.

[A]

This is the sort of video that Steven does with his side bitches.

[C]

Okay, so do you see this picture here?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So they look like they live in a prison. They have terrible bachelor furniture. It's so ugly. It's really dark brown pleather, like sectional. For Jennifer, the back wall has. You know how, like, moms really love to have a photo shoot with their kids. And then they have 10 pictures from that same photo shoot on a wall. But they're usually, like, really blown up into poster size or whatever. These are just small square ones. And then she put them in, like, a cluster of 6y, but they're too small. Like, they're way too small for. It's just terrible. These people have no taste. And it figures that they would design such a disgusting soda.

[A]

And he's also trying to be humble because he's, like, leaning over onto the. Onto the counter to act like he's actually, like, sort of short when he's actually.

[C]

He's showing his muscles. I'm telling you, the only.

[A]

You're right.

[C]

The only way they ever show him is leaning on something.

[A]

And that's true. He is showing his muscles. You're right.

[C]

Yeah. So.

[A]

So now here we are, we're in Dallas, Texas, in case you couldn't tell by the name of the episode. The Great Dallas Dilemma. And we see the Great Dallas Dilemma. We are taking a vote. We want to drop an L. So Allison is at, like, the Poppy factory or whatever, and she has. She's like, I'm gonna be on House Hunters, so I am going to use my curling iron in ways I've never used it before, because her hair is, like, aggressively curling ironed. And then all her, like, lady employees have their hair aggressively curling iron, which I guess is a Dallas thing too. But it's just like, you know, they were like, they had that curling iron in that hair up to three seconds before the cameras rolled.

[C]

Yes. She is, like, freshly. She really loves, like, a strong. Like this just came out of the curler. Like, she doesn't curl it and then like, oh, sorry. Comb it or brush it to just look bigger. It's not just for volume. It's like straight up curling iron curl hair.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

God, I keep pulling out my fucking headphones. What's wrong with me today?

[A]

So Allison's like, where's the blueberry at? That just shows her manage management style. And then Steven.

[C]

Oh, yeah. She's like, guys, blueberries, lime, strawberries, lemons. Where are all the flavors today, guys? We need to see the flavors. I was like, we get it. You have a soda. Okay. Go pick your shitty house with your shitty taste.

[A]

I know. Like, if, you know, if I had not known about their success, I would say that this is very reminiscent of she by Charay.

[C]

So.

[A]

So they basically, they started their beverage company. Stephen's talking about it, and Allison's like, So I started making these little concoctions in my kitchen, you know, when I was home alone, because Stephen was out late with his friends, even though he comes back smelling like perfume. So I would just put my blinders on and just make little sodas at home. That was how I did it.

[C]

Yeah, I would make sodas until Stephen came home because he really liked soda when he sat down and we shared a cheesecake at the end of the night and just, you know, shared some.

[A]

Goss, like a come.

[C]

Also, she was very brunette back then, which most people, I feel like I. When they're. When they blonde I can tell, you know, you can tell. You're like, oh my God, that's brunette and she's blonde. Now this girl I think is blonde. So why does she look so brunette? Like, she looks like two different people.

[A]

She was a totally different person back then.

[C]

Before he cheats. Carrie Underwood song yeah.

[A]

Origin Story so Stephen's like, yeah, we started to give this soda to our friends and family because we wanted to make sure they were creeped out when they came over. Like, hey, welcome. Here's our homemade soda.

[C]

And after the first few rounds of botulism, tetanus and scabies, the ones that survived just loved the taste. And she's like, yeah. And I said, let's start selling this beverage at the farmer's market. And then a few weeks, a big buyer from a natural grocery chain came up and said, you guys have to be in our store. So was that Whole Foods?

[A]

That's got to be Whole Foods.

[C]

What the hell, dude? Why doesn't anything like that ever happen to. I mean, well, I've never come up with anything, but still, I mean, I feel like this is everybody who has a soda stream at home, they're like, I'm gonna invent my own flavor. You know, I'm gonna try and like carve.

[A]

That's what it was. She totally made something with her soda stream.

[C]

She's rich as hell.

[A]

Yeah. So now, now we see Steven with the employees and he's like, so how many orders we have today? And his employees look terrified. They're like, we have a lot. We have a lot. And I was like, love to hear it, Love to hear it. I'm like, there is. I guarantee there's some massive girl boss culture going on at that company. Just mark my words, the stories are gonna come out about Poppy GB and.

[C]

He tells us their origin stories. Like, we met at the mall and I told her I did her if we could stop into the fantastic Sam's and make her blonde. Because my family would never accept a brown haired girl. So that's how we started this whole thing. Also, he does this thing when he talks where he like rubs his lip against his bottom teeth to look sexy. He's like, yeah, we met at the mall.

[A]

Yeah, in Utah. Yeah. And she goes, and we got married the next year and now we have two kids, a one year old and an almost three year old and our wonderful dog, buddy. Now normally when I hear stories of like, like a really hot guy who like meets like a homely girl at the mall and they're married within A year. I'm like, he's a con artist, right? Like, he's clearly a con artist. No, but, no, she was homely when she was. Remember her before photo?

[C]

She wasn't home. You just don't like brunettes. You are a brunette. I can't be Brunettist.

[A]

I love a brunette. I'm just saying she had a different look. She had more of a like, hey, Allison, going to the mall today look, you know?

[C]

Well, it's because. That's because she was like in her soda stream at home phase where she's like. She was just cash. But yeah, she's super pretty and everything. But yeah, she's like, we need a. We need a one. What she say? She's like, we need a one story house because we don't want this little guy falling down the stairs. I was like, you don't want you to be falling down the stairs when your husband fucking pushes you down them.

[A]

I know. And takes all the popular money.

[C]

Going to.

[A]

Yeah, that is. It's. This is Dateline. The real story behind Poppy. This is gonna be one of those crazy true crime stories. It's, like, about a soda empire. We get it. We see where this is going. So they're. Yeah, they don't want. They don't want the kids to fall down the stairs. And then now they start talking about their house because they want. They want to get a ranch that's gonna be all one floor. Because, you know, stairs. Kids and stairs. You gotta be careful. Kids and stairs. Don't want the kids to hurt themselves. Kids have to be safe at all times. Oh, we also want to have a pool. It doesn't have to have a fence. Don't worry about that.

[C]

Don't need a fence. Also, could you just take us to a house without noodles or floaties? Anywhere. I do not want to see those in the house. Literally no safety for my children. Please. Also, could we have a house with just open electrical sockets.

[A]

Viper pits? Can we arrange for that? So, yeah, they want four bedrooms. They want four bedrooms. Oh, and this is. They're one of these couples that's obsessive about having a guest room. Like, I think a guest room is nice. I think it's good to have a guest room. But I hate when people put, like, the needs of a theoretical guest that's going to come one day a year over everything else. Cause you know this. Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. We see a lot of that. But they need a guest room for when her mom comes. Help down. Help out with the kids.

[C]

Well, you have to be careful with the guest room because a guest room is like owning a pickup truck. Cause, you know, like anybody who owns a truck or an suv, when your friends move, they're like, you have a truck and then they want you to drive them, move them, because you're the one with the truck. And I think that that's the guest room thing too. It's like, your husband cheated, I guess. I'm staying with Ronnie. He's got a guest room. It's like, why did I get this guest room?

[A]

That's true. That's true. Yeah. Guest rooms. I. I can see that happening. But that being said, that's even more reason not to make your guest room actually too nice, you know?

[C]

Yeah. It needs to be like, wow. Welcome. We're doing Japanese style of sleeping on wooden mats.

[A]

No, a mediocre guest room.

[C]

That's just the style of this particular room, which I'm sure is very comfortable once you're used to it. But man, you put. You put some people from the Dallas Dilemma on one of those mats are going to be like, no, sir. Okay.

[A]

Just like that. So Steven is like. He's like, yeah, can we. We just have to make the house, like, safe enough for these kids because she really wants a pool. And he's like, but can we make the pool safe enough? Because no, kids get into everything. They climb over everything. They figure things out. They figure out all the things that you put in their way to keep them safe. I'm like, just imagining his, like, like strange booby trapped home. Like, that's safety, booby traps.

[C]

He's like, home alone it. Trying to keep his kids, the burglars, away from his Fritos, you know, before he's like, tempted to go cheat again. He's like, yeah, kids knock down everything you put in their way. Both times we've been pregnant, I've worn condoms, okay? So the wife is like, yeah, well, we'll put up a fence, an alarm and electrical current in the water, and everything's gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. And Buddy, our dog, and they point to Buddy, and then we get a close up of this cute dog named Buddy. And they're like, buddy needs room to run around and play. We sure love Buddy, don't we Love Buddy. We love Buddy.

[A]

Love you Buddy.

[C]

We never see Buddy again. At the end, when they pick a house, they don't show Buddy. I think they had Buddy put down so that they didn't have to deal with Buddy. I'm just ran away.

[A]

Buddy ran away after those children tried to ride him like a horse. Buddy said, don't worry about the backyard. I am going else. Here's the Dallas dilemma. How do I get out of here?

[C]

Yeah, Buddy. Buddy wanted to be, like, closer to the gym downtown. He's like, I'm staying closer to the gays. They're way nicer than suburbanites.

[A]

But he's like, there's no drag brunch up here, so. Bye. So Steven's like, yeah, well, if the. If we don't get a pool, then both the kids and Buddy can run around. The amount of times, by the way, that Steven kind of equates his kids to the dog is hilarious to me. Like, they're basically on the same level to him. I think. Like, I think at this point, they.

[C]

Are, because they all just do the same things right now, right? At this baby's age, this is what they do. They poop. They need feeding. They need cleaning. They need feeding. They shit. You clean it up, then you feed them again. And then you just keep telling yourself, it's gonna get better. It's gonna get better. They're gonna grow out of this. And, yeah, you know, just keep going to the gym.

[A]

Just keep going to the gym because Steven. So Allison's like, well, I want to. I want to live in the suburbs, because that's where my kids can run and play, and I want other families around us as well. I think you can get a lot more out of the suburbs. And he's like, I'm literally suffocating as she's saying this. Like, this is where people go to die. I did not work this hard to be this hot, to have it shown off at a PF Chang's in Northern Dallas quote, unquote.

[C]

Yeah. And he's doing the arm lean thing, showing off his muscles, and he's like, you know, I know you want to have guests and stuff, but for me, if you live in the city, more people want to visit you. And she's like, no, if you have a pool, more people want to come visit you. Like, we just need to call Courtney and see what Courtney set up for us. Oh, my God, I can't wait to see Courtney.

[A]

Courtney.

[C]

So then we meet Courtney.

[A]

I'm sorry. Down the street. Courtney from down the street.

[C]

Courtney. Courtney from down the street. Yeah. Courtney's like, we're neighbors. We're friends. I know the family, so I know the dynamic with the family. I'm like, how many headbands is Courtney gonna wear today? Because Courtney is what we call a headband girl.

[A]

Yes, she is. Yeah. And I definitely have not slept with Stephen before. So Stephen is very by the book, and he likes to stay in his comfort zone, and so I hear. I've actually never even met him before. We definitely don't have any sort of relationship. And whereas Allison is more, like, lenient and really not the right wife for him, I would say she's a little more carefree. Maybe she'll find another guy. I don't know. Like, maybe they should break up. Maybe someone else. Maybe Stephen could be with someone else. I don't know. But she likes what she likes and doesn't want to compromise. I guess what I'm saying is she's kind of a bitch, and Steven could do better.

[C]

And she's like, stephen, this does still have a Dallas address. House number one. Okay. And he's like, well, really? Because, um, we've been in the car for, like, 30 minutes, and I have not had anything to lean my arms on, so we're gonna need to get in there pretty quickly.

[A]

I'm gonna need us to pull over so I can have some protein soon. This has been a long drive.

[C]

Courtney goes, are we driving towards a boiled egg? Yes or no?

[A]

Courtney goes, it's just a little further. This is far north Dallas. Technically, we're in the state of Oklahoma, but they still call it North Dallas.

[C]

And the price is 584.9. And Steven's like, jesus, I didn't think we were looking at prices that high, especially in the suburbs. Excuse you, sir. The suburbs are the best place to live. Okay? So Courtney's. I'm getting all defensive watching this. Literally an hour to drive everywhere.

[A]

But I don't care.

[C]

I'm like, it's worth it. I love it out here. I love it. I just made a video yesterday of a mop off for, like, two solid minutes, and I'm trying to convince myself. I'm loving this. This is great.

[A]

It is great. So Courtney's like, so. Well, as you know, I mean, 584, okay? We're bulking at $84,000. When you guys are sitting on a soda dynasty, that's fine. Everything's up for negotiation, even marriage arrangements. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. Some people have very modern up to date, you know, troubles. So Steven's like, well, let's see if we can bring it back down to the 500 range. Can we? She's like, well, I don't know if we can really get that low? I don't know. Maybe if we collected some insurance money. Maybe that's how I know.

[C]

Gosh, I hope that Alison Elizabeth is sitting on a hefty insurance, because we're. We're going to a house with stairs today, guys. So, Stephen, this is where. And this is where I changed my mind. And I'm like, ronnie, it's not nice to think about people's sexuality. You know, you're not supposed to say, like, is that person bi, curious, or what? Like, you're not supposed to say that these days. I know better. And besides, I take it back anyway. I know he's straight because Steven looks at the house and goes, is this the house from the Golden Girls? And then we see the house and it's not even from the same time frame. It's not even like, architecturally. What an idiot. A gay would know. It's like Brady Bunch.

[A]

It's not even. They don't even look the same. And also, Steven's just being a real dick because Allison's like, I really like this neighborhood. He goes, yeah, I can see that. Shut up, Steven.

[C]

Oh, he's terrible. So they basically took an old house from what, the 60s, I guess. Like kind of a modern. What do you call them? Modern.

[A]

Mid century modern.

[C]

Yeah, mid century modern. And they just completely redid the inside to be like farmhouse. You know, kind of that farmhouse vibe. Like really light, wide plank floors. And I thought this one was beautiful. I love this style.

[A]

Beautiful. I loved it. I actually really loved the interesting layout. You walk in and sort of like the. It's not really a foyer. It is a space that you could sort of have, like a great room, I guess you could have. And then the kitchen is off to the left. It kind of branches out in the center. You can go out to the outdoors, the pool. And so I really liked. It was, like, open. It was airy.

[C]

Yeah, it was cool. Everything was modern, but not too open, you know, like, still had a way to walk through the house. Like, you still had to walk through it. You couldn't just, like, see everything when you walked.

[A]

Yeah, the kitchen was gorgeous. Loved the kitchen. It was really wonderful.

[C]

I know what you hated. The pool shape. The shape of the pool. The pool is shaped like broccoli.

[A]

Broccoli.

[C]

It's shaped like an odd interpretation of broccoli. I've never seen a pool shaped like this.

[A]

I. You know what? I honestly was fine with the pool shape. I did not mind it. I know it changed. You know, it was. I think I was so distracted by Steven that I really couldn't take in. Like, I really couldn't add a pool shape to my. To my brain space.

[C]

So she's like, I love the pool. It's great for entertaining. And Courtney's like, is there room for Buddy out here?

[A]

Stupid Elizabeth.

[C]

Allison. And there's not. There's like a little kind of side yard thing, but really there's no room for anything. Because in these kind of neighborhoods, you either have a pool or a yard. You don't have both.

[A]

You know, you don't have, like, the land dilemma. And Steven is like, so where would we put the fence? Because there's no fence around the pool. And Allison's. Oh, we can figure that out down the road. I was like, you guys are ignoring entire second floor houses. You will not get a second floor because you don't want your kids to theoretically fall down the stairs. And yet here is a giant death trap. Oh, yeah, we'll figure out that fence. Yeah.

[C]

And also, also, she says, let's just let the dog out in the front yard. Who cares? And he's like, well, but then you have to walk him on a leash. And she goes, no, you don't. He won't run away. What the fuck? Have you had a dog for five minutes? They need to test people before they allow them to have children. Because if that is seriously your idea of taking care of a dog, you shouldn't be allowed to procreate. There, I said it. You seem like a very nice person. Elizabeth.

[A]

Alice. Elizabeth, Alison.

[C]

Elizabeth. But you're not fit to have children.

[A]

I'm concerned about some of the judgment calls that are happening behind the scenes at Poppy. So Allison. Yeah. Then they. They. They're. They go into the bat. The bat. The bedroom. And then they go to the ensuite. And Allison's. I like that. The bathroom countertops match the kitchen. I'm like, okay, that's. That's very specific. I don't know if I would have noticed that right off the bat. Kind of cool that she notices it, but also, like, is this. This isn't. I was like, this is gonna become a thing for her now. This house has set a standard that now every house. The bathroom vanity has to match the kitchen sink, which I think is really unreasonable.

[C]

Yeah, I don't. Is it unreasonable? I don't know. I'm trying to think in my place. Does it. Does it in yours?

[A]

Mine doesn't. But I also, like. But they're different rooms. Like, Like, I don't think it's weird if a Sink in a whole different part of the house looks totally different than the kitchen sink.

[C]

I don't either. But I also don't think it's weird if it does. I can't believe that. She says, I don't think it's weird.

[A]

That she's like, wow.

[C]

It's like, wow. The kitchen, they use the same countertop that they did in the kitchen and the bath. Like, yeah, because that's what you do. You go to the countertop.

[A]

I went to Home Depot.

[C]

So then we get the bench in the shower. Joe, because there's a bench in the shower. And he's like, oh yeah, we're gonna need that. Because old people need benches in the showers. And that's where you die. We're dead because we're living in the suburbs. What are we, 90?

[A]

I mean, look. I mean that's. In some ways that's romantic. That's him saying, like, look, you were homely once. I've been hot this whole time. I'm not leaving you. I'll be here till I'm 75 or 80 and I'll be using that bench. Cuz I know once, you know, you start. If you start off home, when you become hot, you eventually become homely again. That is the arc of homeliness. You know, it always comes back. And he's saying, even when you're. When you become homely again, I will still be here for you.

[C]

It's a boomerang. It's an age. It's a homely boomerang we play. It's the game we play. We all play it. So then as most homes, I feel like especially most remodeled homes have really shitty additional rooms. Like the master's nice, the kitchen's nice, living room's nice. And then you get to the additional rooms and they just slap on the cheapest carpet and the shitty heaviest pain and just call it a day.

[A]

It's like Fievel should be staying there. Fievel from Mouse? Yeah.

[C]

So then we go to house number two. Their agent finds them a listing closer to the city, but it's not that much closer. And Steven's like, eh, suburbia. Suburbia's disgusting. Who lives here? Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City.

[A]

Just kidding that he's getting cleaner as he gets closer to the city. He's like, I need to be with my people. Well then like when he was far away. Yeah, I don't really like it that much. He has to butchered up around the suburbs so it doesn't get bashed. So. So yeah, so he didn't like the first one at all. So now we're here at this. At the second one. Allison and Stephen are driving along, and Allison's like, well, you know, we've lived in the city before, and we both hated it. And I don't know why you'd want to be back in the city so bad. He goes, you hated it? She's no, we both hated it. We both hate it. You can see she's trying to really, like, create a narrative for him. I'm starting to actually come to his side now.

[C]

I'm on his side with the backyard stuff. I think she's ridiculous, and I also think she has a really inflated sense of who she's going to be meeting in the suburbs or what that's like.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I think she senses that he wants to bang other people constantly because she's trying to get him away from that scene or he drinks too much or there's something going on that she wants. Wants to get him.

[A]

It's like a triathlon club that's, like, using up all his time. So Allison is. Allison's also trying to do, like, a hard sell. She's like, look. Look at these yards. These yards. Oh, look, a swing. Look at this swing. And he's just like, kill me. Kill me now. I just want that Poppy money.

[C]

And this is a compromise, because I would. This isn't the burbs, but it's not the city. It's in between the burbs and the city. Kind of like. Like, I could be in between Alice and Elizabeth and Wally from Beaver, but leaving the Beaver, but we'll talk about that. So they go, look at it. And Elizabeth's like, oh, my God, I love the tree. Look, honey, the suburbs. They have trees here. I'm like, allison, stop pretending. You know what the suburbs are? Nobody who belongs in the suburbs says things like, look, a tree.

[A]

And then Steven sees the house, and he's like, is this the house from Nurses? Sorry. You already made that joke anyway about Sex and City. I went back, so Steven is.

[C]

But I messed it up, too, because Sex and the City is, like, fabulous. Well, I guess Golden Girls is fabulous, too.

[A]

Well, Nurses is, like, the worst. Nurses was a spin off of Empty Nest. So, like, it's like two. It's like Empty Nest was spin off of Golden Girls. It was like, two pegs down.

[C]

What is this? A house from the Tortellinis? What was that? Oh, the Torkelsons.

[A]

Remember the Torkelsons?

[C]

Is this house from Alf?

[A]

Is this the house from Golden Palace. Is that Mr. Belvedere?

[C]

Now we're just moving into hotels. Is this the house from Hotel?

[A]

Is this the house from Dinosaurs?

[C]

It's completely bonkers today. Okay. So they're looking at this new place. Now. The best thing is not the new homes, because we're also finding out everything in Dallas was built in 1962, and it's all been remodeled to be farmhouses on the inside. So that's pretty much what everything is. Now, Courtney is the one that's interesting to see in every new scene because she comes up with something more terrible to wear every single time. This time, she's in some, like, purple netted, but like, not netted net, like basket woven top with these big statement earrings that are shaped, I think, like turtles run over turtles. Like a splattered. A splatted roadkill turtle.

[A]

Yeah, she. I think she is. I feel like she's sending a signal, but I just don't know what the signal is.

[C]

I'm gonna. Your husband. Okay. So then she also. The same thing, by the way.

[A]

She also just had a fight with Stephen, like, at the motel that they were sleeping in. Because, you know, they get there and there's, like, noise, actually. And Allison goes. She's just like. Courtney's in a very bad mood. And Allison's like, oh, my God, like, construction. Ew. And Courtney goes, well, the good thing about construction is that it's like your marriage, it ends. Okay, so you're gonna have a nice little facelift at the house next door.

[C]

Yeah, you know, I. I like Courtney, actually. I think she's really good, and I like that she does not like either one of them. She tells them both off. She has no problem being like, guess what? Your neighbors are gonna get a facelift, which is gonna help your house. How about that, you dumb bitch? Okay. Hey, why don't you. Why don't you hold that curler a little closer to your head until you burn it? Because you deserve it. Idiot. All right, let's go in here and look at this.

[A]

I skipped anchor. Anchor woman auditions today for this. So they walk in. It's an open concept. It's nice. Steven loves that it has tall ceilings because he's also, like, 7 foot 5. So the fact that there's vaulted ceilings means that he can, like, walk without having to hunch over.

[C]

And I like this one. This one is really dark wood floor. Like, really dark plasticky wood floors and very narrow. I didn't love this one.

[A]

I didn't love it. I didn't love It. But I didn't hate it. The first one was obviously the one to go for.

[C]

I liked the kitchen. Okay. But it was really small. It had an electric stove. She doesn't really like those kind of country cabinets where they're white, but then they've got, like, black painted, you know, like hand painted, like kind of squiggly border things.

[A]

It was. It was not like a terrible kitchen, but it was not nice. I actually kind of feel like if you are in the food and Bev business, like, kitchen should be a high priority and you should have, like, the best kitchen possible because you need to be working on things at home. But apparently, I guess they didn't think about that. So Courtney, she's like, well, with everything you're looking for, you're gonna need to find some compromises here. Just like you guys both compromised in finding us and finding a life partner.

[C]

So there's a walk in pantry, which she likes. But we find out this house is a flip and it's a bad one, which is why the floors are ugly and why the counters are ugly and why the counter. Why the cabinets are ugly and the tiles are all really badly done in the bathroom. And there's some stuff that needs to be addressed, guys. And they're like, oh, really? What stuff? There's literally like the fire alarm things. The smoke detectors are hanging out of the ceiling. Dangling. Yeah. The. The switches are dangling out of the walls. It's not good.

[A]

And also doesn't have a fence. Again, the second time, a pool doesn't have a fence. And the second time, Allison's like, oh, that's fine.

[C]

We'll.

[A]

We'll figure that out at some point.

[C]

Yeah. Isn't this the one that didn't have a pool?

[A]

No, this one?

[C]

Oh, no. She says, yeah, she says, oh, I got my pool. Yeah, it's a. Now this is another odd shaped pool. It's like a boomerang. I already said boomerang.

[A]

I think this is like, this was more of a classic bean shaped pool, I believe. Right.

[C]

I was like a. It was like. It's like that. It was like in the middle of a U and a V. Okay, okay.

[A]

I'm trying to remember it now. I'm trying to, like, have a visual of it.

[C]

It's like a. It's like an eyebrow. Like a lifted eyebrow. Like, you don't believe somebody and you're like, it's like that. So then Courtney's like, so what about buddy? And they're like, yeah, we really care about Buddy. Oh, my God, Buddy, we so love Buddy, our dog, Buddy. And then Steven's like, listen, if we have a pool, we also have to have a backyard yard, okay? We can't just have no backyard, okay? The dog needs to.

[A]

Someplace you may be by this dog, okay? And now we need to find a place for it to. So Allison. One of Allison's complaints is that she doesn't like that the door in one of the bathrooms opens up and hits the vanity.

[C]

So, like, I mean, that's fair. And this is a Home Depot purchase vanity that doesn't even fit in the bathroom. Like, it doesn't go all the way to the wall, just like. Like, shoved in there.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's. Yeah, there's like. There is, like, a shoddiness to this whole place. Like, definitely not befitting future, you know, soda barons, but, you know, but it's, like, fine. It's not, like, outwardly it's not, like, outright bad, but it's not great. And that's especially compared to the first.

[C]

One, which really was. I think it's bad. I think it's really bad. Because when you see things like that in a flip and they're, like, proud of it being a flip, like, hey, we flipped this house and they haven't even screwed in a light switch. You're of full. I mean. Yeah, there's foundation issues. You know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, there's totally issues at this place. Yeah. So let's move on to house number three. So they're driving along to house number three, and Allison's. They're closer to the. They're closer to the downtown. But you wouldn't know it because every. Every neighborhood has looked exactly the same. And Allison, by the way, and also the exteriors of house number one and house number two were nearly identical. So Allison, of course, hates this because it's too close to the city, even though it's clearly is still suburban. And she's like, well, it looks like a lot of these houses are a lot smaller and a lot older, huh? He's like, well, that'll be you soon enough.

[C]

Yeah. She's like, gross. This is so gross. And Courtney's like, is this a little more city for you? Come on, Stephen. Let's come on in. And Stephen's like, okay, honey, now keep an open relationship. I mean, mine. Open mind in here. Okay. Come on. So it's a. They walk in, it's a long, like, living room. Very long and narrow.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's walled off. It's like closed concept in A bad way.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But then you make a right at the end of the room into the kitchen. But then the kitchen is open to another space. So it's kind of an open concept over there. This one doesn't know what it is.

[A]

Yeah, it doesn't. The ceilings are low. Steven's trying to find good things about it because it's close to the city. You know, he's, he likes that. He's like that. It's an open concept from the kitchen to the dining room den area. But it's, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not great. It's.

[C]

He wants to be correct, I think, more than anything. But I am kind of on his side about this because also, first of all, Dallas, even though I just shit talked it, is a really nice city and it's a really fun place and it would be nice to live downtown. I would love to live around the actual city, not necessarily downtown, but, you know, Dallas is very gorgeous. Also, he has a point about the backyard. I mean, this one's city, but it has a huge backyard and half the backyard is cement. So the kids could actually ride their bikes out there. Plus they could go run in the grass and they wouldn't drown. So I'm kind of with him and.

[A]

He, Steven, Steven even says something really wild. He goes, he. Because he likes the backyard. And he goes, he goes. I'd go so far as to say we can put a nice pergola back there. Like, wow. Okay, this is.

[C]

Whoa, Steven.

[A]

Steven's getting excited.

[C]

Yeah. So let's see. So Elizabeth's like, well, I guess we could put a pool in later. No, Elizabeth, give up the fucking pool. Elizabeth.

[A]

Everyone you know will have pools. Everyone has, has a pool. Okay? Just go to a friend's house.

[C]

So they, now they're in their office drinking their drink, they're like, oh my God, this blueberry strawberry probiotic is amazing. Isn't it, Steven? He's like, yes, this cheesecake flavored probiotic. So then the narrator's like, these, these entrepreneurs are facing the end of their lease and they're trying to find a house that's the best for Stephen to sneak out of at night.

[A]

House number one is big and wonderful and universally adored by the audience. House number two, sad, incomplete, likely will cause an electrocution.

[C]

Horrible. Like, is it the set of Roseanne? Fucking terrible. How did this place pass inspection? House number three, extremely mediocre. But Steven's closer to a blowjob.

[A]

What will they choose? Ding dong. So they go with house number two. I thought for sure they were going for house number one. I thought for sure, for sure.

[C]

I mean, house number one was the only decent option here. House number two. And then I remembered. And then we see a flash of their home, and it's disgust. I mean, they have no taste is what I was reminded of. Cause we see what they've done, you know, when they're like. And then we see a couple months down the line what they've done with this house. That terrible bachelor furniture is in their living room. It's hideous. And then they have this big bed, and every room is gray and hideous. And they have this bed in the master. They have the bed against the wall, and then in front of it, they have, like a couch bed. But it's not a couch bed. It's just a couch. Yeah, like, the back is way too high, and it doesn't go the length of the bed. I mean, you two are fucking hopeless.

[A]

It is. It is really crazy. However, they did put in a gas stove. I was happy when I saw that. They do mention it, but I saw it. I was like, yes, she got the gas stove. Good for her. And in the end, it was all.

[C]

But he's no big spender either. He doesn't get that much credit. She's like, he let me get a gas stove. I was like, the smallest one they sell. Like, what are you gonna have? What are you gonna cook? One. One. One at a time. Yeah.

[A]

You know, and then they also talked about how when they moved in, there was no light in, like, the bedroom or the bathroom or something like that for two weeks. And, like, it was like a shoddy ass house.

[C]

We also didn't mention this one doesn't have a closet at all.

[A]

Oh, is this the one that didn't have the closet? I thought that was house number three. This one doesn't have the closet.

[C]

I think it's this one that doesn't have the closet, right?

[A]

Oh, that can't be.

[C]

Yeah, because we saw what they did with it. They. Outside the closet, they put those really cheap metal shelves from Home Depot or. Well, I got mine from Amazon. I have them. That's how I know what they are. But they're like $10, and they are stacking their. I'm embarrassed.

[A]

Listen, in the end, it was all worth it.

[C]

It.

[A]

Because our investment pays off. Stephen takes off his shirt and goes swimming. And I was like, see, that's all I need.

[C]

That's what I said, too. I was like, finally shirtless. Finally shirtless.

[A]

I was like, could we have gotten a little more of this throughout the episode? Come on now.

[C]

And also, we don't see the dog, unless I'm mistaken, but I think Courtney took the dog.

[A]

Courtney's like, fine, Stephen. I see where I am. I'm taking the dog. Cuz I know this dog was meant for me.

[C]

Me.

[A]

Because, you know, it's one of those things where he bought the dog for Courtney and then Allison found the dog by accident, was like, is this for me? And he had to be like, yeah, Buddy is totally for you.

[C]

He's like, I can't be with you, but this dog will be with you every day to remind you of me.

[A]

And now, now Courtney roams the supermarket, her hair disheveled, makeup, like, around her lips sold, like, reciting lines like, she's a future anchor lady. And she walks by the poppy, displaying poppy and rams her cart into it.

[C]

Motherfucker. Freaking celery stuff. Kick her out, dragon. Buddy, behind her. He's got mange. He's just limping behind her.

[A]

I'll never drink that soda.

[C]

All right, everybody. Well, that brings us to the end of Dwell. Hello. Thank you so much for being here. We'll be seeing you in the next couple of weeks. If you want to suggest something to us, an episode that you like, come over to our Instagram and suggest it in the comments over there on these Dwell. Hello post hosts. And we will read them and probably do your episode. We love getting suggestions.

[A]

Thanks for listening, everyone. Talk to you in the next one. Bye. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

[B]

We all have bad days and sometimes bad weeks and maybe even bad years. But the good news is we don't have to figure out life all alone. I'm comedian Chris Duffy, host of ted's how to Be a Better Human podcast. And our show is about the little ways that you can improve your life. Actual practical tips that you can put into place that will make your day to day better. Whether it is setting boundaries at work or rethinking how you clean your house, each episode has conversations with experts who share tips on how to navigate life's upload, ups and downs. Find how to be a better human wherever you're listening to this.

[A]

Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.