Dwell Hello #317: Trendy in Minneapolis

Summary

Podcast Summary

Watch What Crappens: Dwell Hello #317 – Trendy in Minneapolis
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: September 1, 2023

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "Dwell Hello," a Watch What Crappens spin-off dedicated to recapping House Hunters, Ben and Ronnie set their comedic sights on Season 237, Episode 4 of House Hunters: “Trendy in Minneapolis.” The hosts dive into the episode's misnomer of “trendy”, follow engaged couple Brett and Joe as they search for a home with the help of Janelle Pierzina (notably from Big Brother), and dish out signature snark on Midwestern crafts, real estate tropes, and Janelle’s subdued HGTV presence.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Episode’s Premise & Janelle’s Surprising Tone

• (01:43 – 03:18) Introduction to the episode: Ben and Ronnie clarify that they're recapping a regular “House Hunters” episode featuring Janelle from Big Brother as the couple’s realtor.
• Theme Disparity:
  • Ben: “There's nothing trendy about this episode or the people in it… I was hoping a Janelle-oriented House Hunters would be a little spicier.” (02:42)
  • Ronnie: “If I'm gonna get Janelle in an episode, I want like A ba ba, bitches…not just being like, ‘you know, I'm Janelle. I wear sweaters now. Welcome HGTV.’” (02:51)
• Both hosts lament that "House Hunters Janelle" is far tamer than the confessional, cutthroat Janelle of Big Brother fame.
• Ronnie: “As a realtor, but not as a Janelle. That’s all I’m saying. I need more Janelle.” (04:31)

2. Meet Brett and Joe

• (05:17 – 06:02)

  • Ben and Ronnie introduce the episode’s featured couple: Brett (the tall, practical one) and Joe (crafty, grandma-chic, obsessed with sewing and baking).
  • Both hosts riff on the hobby-centric mindset:
    • Ronnie: “People who sew…they say that about literally every room. Like, you could walk into a Golden Corral, and they could be like, ‘oh my God, I could put my sewing room in here.’” (05:27)
    • Ben adds, “I do that with my board games, too. 'Oh, I could have my board game collection here, and I could have a sewing machine here.’”

• Main Conflict: Brett wants to be frugal and avoid small doorways (“I almost hit my head on this beam”), while Joe is ready to spend for the perfect space for all his hobbies. (06:43)

3. Knitting Humor & The ‘Sweater Curse’

• (11:32 – 13:24)
  • The hosts go deep on the “sweater curse”—the superstition that knitting a sweater for a significant other curses the relationship.
    • Ben: “I just googled sweater curse, and there's a whole Wikipedia article…knitters have been advised to match the knitted gift to the stage in the relationship…before graduating to sweaters.” (12:00 - 12:52)
    • Ronnie: “Knitters out there, could you stop being such drama queens?” (13:01)
• Extended bit about the poignancy and sometimes excessive emotional investment of handmade gifts.

4. Brett & Joe’s Relationship Dynamic

• (14:12 – 16:30)
  • The couple’s interplay: Joe is eager for domestic bliss (and adoptive family expansion), Brett is intensely practical and wary of commitment to pets or kids.
  • Running joke throughout: Brett’s height and his head-banging woes in older Minneapolis homes.
    • Ben: “Brett just wants not to be called Shrek and chased around by children.” (06:33)

5. House #1: The Bungalow

• (21:27 – 27:04)
  • Description: Three-bed, one-bath, “cute red door”—but otherwise bland, not much character, with a deck awkwardly separated from the house.
  • Hosts mock House Hunters’ generic positivity:
    • Ben: “That’s so sad that that's all you can say when you're driving up to a house, and all you can say is, 'I love the door.'” (21:59)
    • Ronnie: “This is bungalow style…tiny little square rooms with wood floors. That's all they are. And I love that. Any room…any room they want. Walk into the realtor can go, 'oh my God, so you could use this as the master, or you could use this as a closet…'” (24:05)
  • Brett immediately wants an extra bathroom; Janelle responds with standard realtor nonchalance about renos.
  • The backyard is directly adjacent to the street, separated only by a chain-link fence; airplane noise.

6. House #2: The Rambler

• (33:41 – 39:25)
  • Mid-century modern, recently flipped, two bathrooms.
  • Ben loves it: “This was the perfect little house for sweater gays.” (36:14)
  • Ronnie is wary of generic flips: “They take one of these houses from the 1950s and they just go to Home Depot and get those like hollow doors...” (35:02)
  • Downside: Basement has low ceilings, but perfect as Joe’s “knitting cave.”

7. House #3: The Split-Level

• (40:01 – 46:22)
  • Larger, split-level, four beds, two baths, and more “grandma vibes.”
  • The hosts lampoon split-levels:
    • Ronnie: “Why do people build these? …I don't understand this…There’s no level on the level. Like, why? I don't understand.” (40:53)
    • Ben reminisces about his childhood friend’s split-level and loves the weird stair layouts.
  • A strange “Lego glory hole” storage nook in the master bedroom and a wood-burning stove in the basement trigger paranoia about fire (Joe’s family cabin burned down).

8. The Decision

• (47:27 – 51:33)
  • The hosts (and listeners) are stunned when Brett and Joe choose House #1, the bungalow, over the more practical and spacious options.
    • Ben: “I was shocked. I wrote in all caps: they chose the bungalow. And then I texted you and I said, ‘fuck these guys,’ because I was so mad that they chose the shittiest option of all of them.” (50:12)
  • Despite the deck location, one bathroom, and tight rooms, the couple values neighborhood and nostalgia (“it's where they fell in love”).
  • In classic housing market fashion, they go over-budget (up to $335,000) after a bidding war for their least practical pick.

9. Final Thoughts & Running Jokes

• Big Brother Janelle's Tame Turn: The hosts keep riffing on how much more fun Janelle is on CBS than on HGTV (“I need her in a room with a key around her neck going, ‘they think they got me. They don’t, stab it.’” (04:31))
• Leaf Blower Intrusion: Ronnie’s recurring battle with environmental noises interrupts—but also becomes a side gag.
• Sweater & Grandma Fetishes: Over-the-top references to knitting drama, hobby dedication, and Minneapolis gaydom’s intersection with homebody obsessions.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• (02:51) Ronnie: “If I'm gonna get Janelle in an episode, I want, like, A ba ba, bitches… I don't want Janelle just being like, ‘you know, I'm Janelle. I wear sweaters now.’”
• (11:32) Ben: “I just googled sweater curse and there's a whole Wikipedia article…The belief that if a knitter gives a hand knit sweater to a Significant other, it will lead the recipient breaking up with the knitter.”
• (13:01) Ronnie: “Knitters out there, could you stop being such drama queens?”
• (24:05) Ronnie: “Any room…walk into it, the realtor can go, ‘oh my God, you could use this as the master, or you could use this as a closet...’”
• (50:12) Ben: “I was shocked. I wrote in all caps: they chose the bungalow. And then I texted you and I said, ‘fuck these guys,’ because I was so mad they chose the shittiest option of all of them.”

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:43 – 04:31: Introduction to the House Hunters episode, misnomers of trend, and Janelle as realtor
• 05:17 – 06:43: Meet Brett and Joe, their quirks and household wants
• 11:32 – 13:24: “Sweater curse” and relationship foibles
• 21:27 – 27:04: Tour and roast of the bungalow (House #1)
• 33:41 – 39:25: House #2 (the rambler), its virtues, and mundane concerns
• 40:01 – 46:22: House #3 (split level), suburban gripes, and childhood nostalgia
• 47:27 – 51:33: Decision time, shock at their choice, and humorous conclusion

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Tone & Style

Ben and Ronnie maintain their signature playful, irreverent, and affectionately mocking tone throughout. Their jokes are rapid-fire, riff on both real estate and LGBTQ culture, and rely heavily on running gags, exaggeration, and asides referencing both Bravo and the mundane world of knitting, baking, and crafts.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode spotlights the comedic gold to be mined from even the most average episodes of House Hunters, particularly when viewed through the lens of two veteran reality TV jesters. With their commentary, you’ll get a full sense of Brett and Joe’s personalities, why their house choice shocked everyone (including your hosts), and why Janelle needs to keep one foot in the Big Brother diary room. The summary above captures all the memorable quips, the spirit of the couple, and every eccentricity of Midwestern home-buying obsessions.

Transcript

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[B]

Ding dong.

[A]

Ding ding. Bingo.

[B]

Well, hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben.

[A]

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going?

[B]

Good. So good to see you, darling. Here on Dwell. Hello. This is our Wondry plus show where the two guys from watch what crappens as you might know already and if you don't go, listen to watch what CR happens. Okay, this is our House Hunters recap show. Today we are going to be doing House Hunters regular style, regular flavor, season 237. Can I just say congratulations, guys. I mean, my God, you are like the Bob Barkers of RIP HGTV shows. Season 237, episode 4 of House Hunters. It's called Trendy in Minneapolis. We watch this on YouTube TV. The easiest way to find this because they are labeled with different numbers on every platform. I didn't see it at all on max this time, but just go to YouTube TV, search the title Trendy in Minneapolis and you will find it. It'll pop right up.

[A]

Yeah, it's funny because there's nothing trendy about this episode or the people in it, but it's exciting that they felt that way.

[B]

There is nothing trendy. There really isn't. I mean, even Janelle kind of not, not exciting in this. And it was Janelle from Big Brother. I mean, we watched it. This was a. This was a listener suggestion. And so thank you, listener. But this was. I want. If I'm gonna get Janelle in an episode, I want like A ba ba, bitches. I don't want a Janelle just being like, you know, I'm Janelle. I wear sweaters now. Welcome hgtv.

[A]

Listen, it was very exciting to see professional Janelle. That was such a different side and it was cool to see that. And I just love Janelle. She's my number one all time favorite Big brother player and she really can't do any wrong in my book. But that being said, I was hoping a Janelle oriented House Hunters would be a little spicier.

[B]

Well, I think I'm just gonna make her big brother Janelle because I did not love House Hunters Janelle. I mean, House Hunters Janelle is in like one of those, like sweater jacket themes things and just like, I don't know, trying to find even cheaper houses. I just feel like it's so off brand for Janelle. So I'm going to keep my big brother Janelle for this Janelle.

[A]

But also like House Hunters Janelle is like big brother Janelle because big brother Janelle is like, is like great. And House Hunters Janelle did actually a pretty great job. Like, there were no outright stinkers this episode. I found there were like, some that were better than others, but like, she kind of found three pretty good options and kind of handles like there were. It felt like they were. They. The guys on this episode were sort of in agreement on every. Every household. Like, she really kind of like did a good job as a realtor in this.

[B]

As a realtor, but not as a Janelle. That's all I'm saying. I need more Janelle. And I think part of the reason is in Big Brother, one of her biggest reasons for success were her confessionals or her diary room sessions. And they don't have that. I mean, you guys, I know that House Hunters doesn't have a ton of diary rooms with the real estate people, but she. I don't think she had any. Like, did she even let them film any. Any professionals. But like, I need her in a room with a key around her neck going, they think they got me. They don't stab it. Like, I need that Janelle.

[A]

They needed to have her finding houses for people from the friendship. They needed to have, like April and Yvette looking for a house together and. And Janelle just undermining them wherever she could. That would have been perfection.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

So we start out with Linda the narrator, saying engaged couple Brett and Joe are looking for their first house in Minneapolis. Joe's hoping it has enough space for all his hobbies.

[B]

Hashtag pussy and then we see a clip of Joe going, oh, my God, I can see myself using this as a sewing room. Which people who sew. And, Ben, you are one of them now, because you've been in a se. I find that people who are sewers, they say that about literally every room. Like, you could walk into a golden corral, and they could be like, oh, my God, I could put my sewing room in here. Like, we get it. You sew. Congratulations.

[A]

I think hobby people in general, because I do that with my board games, too. I'm like, oh, I could have my board game collection here, and I could have a sewing machine here.

[B]

And Janelle goes, oh, my God, look, a kitchen. I know you love cooking and baking in here. It's like, wow, Janelle really stretching. Really stretching to sell this one. Hey, guys, look at the kitchen. You can make things in here and also eat in here, occasionally standing at the countertop.

[A]

But while Joe wants something with lots of charm in trendy South Minneapolis, Brett, at a monstrous 6 foot 5, just wants a place where he's not treated like the ogre that he is.

[B]

Brit just wants not to be called Shrek and chased around by children one day.

[A]

Brett Breck just doesn't want small aircraft to crash into his head.

[B]

And then we see a clip of Brett going, well, I almost hit my head on this beam. And Joe going, oh, my God, Yeah, I do. I have a fat. I have a hagrid fetish. That's just what it is.

[A]

And the price has caused a conflict with Brett wanting to be frugal and Joe ready to spend for perfection.

[B]

I just hit my head again. Okay. Be less dumb, Brett. Okay. But this place is so expensive. And Janelle's like, you can't get more for $275,000, you cheap fucking queens. Ding dong.

[A]

Here's a helmet. Put it on. So now we take lumber.

[B]

Lumber costs money. I mean, I watch these shows and people say, 275 for a house. I'm like, what am I wasting my life doing? Why am I not living in some cheap ass. Do they still have places like that? I'm moving.

[A]

I know. I was like, oh, I want to move to south Minneapolis now.

[B]

275 grand for a goddamn Chipotle.

[A]

I know. Geez. Just to go into Disneyland where the dubrows are taking photos. So now we see after the opening credits, so we see Joe and Brett, and they're standing in the kitchen with a guy. And then there's a. There's a woman in, like, she has like, kind of like a hipster braid. And she's wearing this big green kind of jacket shirt, and she refuses to look at the camera. She's cheated all the way away. All you see is her hair, and she is doing whatever she can not to be on camera.

[B]

She is. And it's weird because she talks like she wants to be on camera, like she's doing camera voice, but she's like, doesn't want to be on it. And I. She might be mortified because they're trying to do like a classy tears in front of a microwave. I'm like, could you move? She's like, I don't want to be filmed here. So Joe tells us we've been together two and a half years, and we just recently got engaged. And he's telling them, well, guys, to get engaged. I met Brett a scavenger hunt. I surprised him. All the clues were hidden in places he had to duck under, and he ended up with a concussion by the end of it. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

[A]

It took him so long that I literally just knit this entire Fair Isle sweater while he recovered.

[B]

And Brett's like, yeah, I said yes, obviously. I don't really remember. It really was a painful day, but apparently it did got a ring on my finger.

[A]

So, I mean, he could have just. He could have just asked me. Didn't have to do a scavenger hunt through a place that's 30 minutes from my work. It was great. I could have gotten to work earlier that day, but.

[B]

And he's like. He's like, joe is a total sweetheart. I call him a grandma in the most positive way because he likes to bake, sew, knit, take his teeth out, pinch baby's hard under the arms when no one's looking.

[A]

Never misses Wheel of fortune. Collects coupons. All the good stuff. So Joe's like.

[B]

I'd like to apologize. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but, guys, this is Watch what crappens. And it's been a long time since this has happened, but I would like to announce our constant special guest from years past, the leaf blower, who is now out.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Even in a rental in Palm Springs, which I'm recording this from. The leaf blower comes during recording time.

[A]

I only barely hear it. You can. There you go. You can't hear it. Don't worry.

[B]

Well, there you go, everybody. I was coming closer. Here it comes. Okay, continue on. I just wanted to acknowledge it and say there's.

[A]

You have to acknowledge it. There's Nothing close.

[B]

There's nothing.

[A]

Nothing can be done now.

[B]

The leaf blower is literally flirting with me.

[A]

The leaf blower is coming from inside your house. So Joe is like, you know what, Brett? So it's funny. He called me a grandma in, like, the nicest way. You can't hear it, Ronnie. It's okay. Joe's like, brett, you know what? He called me a grandma the nicest way, which is great. I did not take that as a passive aggressive comment. But I will say that with Brett, he's a little bit more of an anxious person. He's like, on the anxious side. He's like a nervous Nelly. He's. He's sort of paralyzed with his own indecision on things. But I mean that in the nicest way too.

[B]

Brett is the leaf blower delivering me a pizza. He is, like, literally standing right outside the door.

[A]

I honestly never would have.

[B]

It looks like he's doing something in front of the window. Look, you can see the shadow in front of the window. What is he doing?

[A]

I mean, it is getting closer.

[B]

It's almost. I never would have noticed. The leaf blower is literally up my arm. Getting fucked by a leaf blower during this house hunters recap.

[A]

I didn't even know there were enough leaves in Palm Springs right now.

[B]

Apparently there's just little lizards flying all over.

[A]

Lizards and scorpions being flung around.

[B]

It's like Twister with. With lizards instead of cows. Okay, it's moving a little further away. Okay, I'll stop now.

[A]

So Brett's like, yeah, I'm definitely more of a worrier. That's what happens when you spend 90% of your daytime hours bonking your head into things. You just get a little worried about stuff.

[B]

You get a little paranoid. So Joe's brother goes, so, Joe, are you gonna finally make Brett a sweater? And Brett goes, apparently there is some sort of curse that he can't make me a sweater until we're married. Has anybody heard of that? You know that Joe has made a sweater for every man that stumped him, and it's like a small community mini. And he still will go to a gay bar in the winter and see one of his exes in one of those sweaters and just be like, I cannot believe I spent three days on him.

[A]

Okay, so I just do. I just googled sweater curse, and there's a whole Wikipedia article. The sweater curse, or curse of the love sweater, is a term used by knitters to describe the belief that if a knitter gives a hand knit sweater to a Significant other, it will lead the recipient breaking up with. With the knitter.

[B]

Whoa. So that's a real thing.

[A]

It's a big enough thing that it literally has a whole Wikipedia thing. And it says avoiding the curse. For many knitters, making a hand knit gift is an emotional experience, an extended affectionate mediation or meditation on the person receiving a gift. A metaphor commonly used by knitters is, I knit my love into every stitch. Since giving too significant a gift too early in a relationship can evoke apprehension, knitters have been advised to match the knitted gift to the stage in the relationship, beginning with hats, mittens, scarves, or socks, before graduating to sweaters.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Many knitters also wait until marriage before making a sweater for a significant other. By the way, it's clear that Joe wrote this Wikipedia entry, right?

[B]

Like, that's. This is totally by Joe. Also, knitters out there, could you stop being such drama queens? Like, I'm so sure with all of you, like, you know, that they sit around and stitch and about this too. Like, oh, my God, I could you believe I concentrated on that person while I knitted them a sweater? And then they could treat me like this, like, well, it's the knitting curse, you know? Well, Joe wrote that wiki about it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, M. Night Shyamalan is making a movie about the knitting curse. It's got a big twist ending. Like, it's just. It's just yarn in a twist. It's terrible.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

You should make a. You should knit a sweater for your gardener there.

[B]

I know, right? Okay, so let me just explain what's happened here. The pool guy came over and cleaned the pool. Okay? That's who I was waving to earlier. And then the leaf blower came out and is now circling the pool, blowing things into the pool. So are these two industries just keeping themselves, keeping each other in business, or what the fuck?

[A]

It sounds like someone of the two of them gave each other. Gave themselves a knit sweater.

[B]

Those two are bonded by knit sweaters for life. Those two are married for sure.

[A]

They're in a knit curse.

[B]

So Joe's like, well, our lease is coming up, and we're gonna, you know, Moving up. This is our next step. Okay? Moving in. So we're gonna grow our family, and whether it's a cat or a kid or nothing at all. Right, Brett. Right, Brett. Because, you know, Brett's like, I don't want a kid. No, I don't want a cat either. So poor Joe is like, please, just let me knit somebody something, please, that can go.

[A]

Please, Let me have a. Please let me have a legally committed situation that I can knit. Can I just. If we go into escrow, can I knit a sweater onto this house? I just need to knit someone something without cursing them.

[B]

Oh, I want to knit for somebody. I want to knit a sweater for somebody. Poor Joe.

[A]

So poor Joe is because he has a beautiful. I have to imagine he knit his own sweater. He has this beautiful sweater that's like. It's Fair Isle. So it has all that sort of, like those. Those sort of patterns around the neck that circle out.

[B]

Like, he's good.

[A]

He's like, peacocking, you know, in a beautiful way. And, you know, he just wants to make something for Brett because Brett just has sort of blousy stripes around his chest. But he can't. He can't because they have to. They have to. They have to get married first. So Joe is like, I think that we should, like, stick to south Minneapolis area for sure. Because it's, like, super trendy here. Like, did you see all, like, the dingy houses and sad streets? It's, like, super trendy.

[B]

We love South Mini. And Brett's like, yeah, it would be rough to leave. But you know what? Driving half an hour, I mean, it's so hard. This is a half an hour away from my school. And Joe just works from home, so he can do whatever. No, it's not just your work drive, okay? It's the drive to the bars. It's the drive to, like, any kind of gay life. It's the drive to the Hobby lobby. You know what I mean? It's not about you, Brett. You're just going to school. Get a book on tape that you like, okay? I'm on team Joe for this one. Joe knits for people, okay? Give him his. Give him his close to the Hobby lobby.

[A]

Joe's baking you cakes, so that. That means something. But Brett's like, yeah, but the problem is that we only have a convertible and there are a lot of low hanging tree branches on the way to school.

[B]

So he's like, me Donkey Kong.

[A]

I could cut down on, like, it's like, if I could only have, like 15 minutes of getting battered in the head on my drive, I would love that.

[B]

He's like, me Donkey Kong and the tiny convertible on Mario Kart. That's what I do. Donkey Kong and the tiny convertible or Donkey Kong on the best paws. Me.

[A]

So and so. Then Mimi the girl is like, well, it's. She's like, it's so nice. It's so nice that you Guys live so close to us, though. I'm actually just pantomiming her, hiding away from the camera, but I'm realizing no one's watching.

[B]

But I was like, where'd you go?

[A]

She's, like, looking away, hiding, hiding from the camera.

[B]

She's like, we'd love you close by. And Joe says, yeah, well, I mean, like, we love it, you know, like, it's great here. And he's like, I like south. I like South Mini because it has bungalow style. It has little rooms, you know, I don't like all those open style. I just need rooms to hide from the gigantic monster that chases me around the house.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I just need somewhere that he can't get into. I would prefer a house with the little mouse entrances, you know, that only Jerry can fit into. And Tom can't get him in there. Okay.

[A]

And Brett's like, you know, and, you know, I get it. Like, it's nice to be able to walk to a coffee shop or a restaurant or. Or a meat raffle. But, you know, just that drive is a lot, you know. You know what I want to do? I want to move to the burbs, you know, kind of. Cause if we had, like a split level, you know, I. My parents had a split level growing up, and I just love wide open windows, which has nothing to do with the split level. But I'm just gonna bring those concepts together as if it's one thing.

[B]

But you see what this is, right? Even the gay guys do it, because every guy on this show goes, you know what? I want a ranch because that's what I grew up in. You know what? I want to live close to a bowling alley, because that's how I grew up. Like, every guy has a mommy issue, and I love that it continues on to the gay guys because he has an issue, too.

[A]

And it's always the guys that don't want to spend money, but then they also want to trap their spouse into their childhood fantasies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, it's like, I refuse to spend more than $50,000 on a house and has to be exactly the house that I grew up in.

[B]

And then Port zero, the sister goes, well, you know, or the sister in law goes, well, you know, you're going to need to get a craft room for Joe. I know you're tall. But it also needs a craft room for Joe. And Joe goes, yeah, I need an office for my sewing and my plants, my cats and my kids, if we ever have them. Or just me. Maybe it's just going to be Me in there all alone forever. And that would be okay too, by the way.

[A]

And Brett also goes, you know, I just want to clarify. I'm 65 and Joey is 6 1, so it makes him pretty tall. And I just feel like a lot of these south Minneapolis houses, you have to like, either go upstairs and I have to tilt my head or go downstairs and I have to crouch. I'm like. I feel like, okay, first of all, there are a lot of 6 foot 5 people in the world, and you're acting like you're literally walking through crawl spaces. I feel like you could definitely find a normal house where you can walk up and down stairs without bonking your head.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Is that. I don't think that's too crazy for a six foot five person.

[B]

Well, six foot five is so big. And I think these little houses, you know, people have grown so much. Like, you know those theaters that they have that were built in like the 30s, and all the seats are literally too tiny for even skinny people to get in because people have just grown in general. And I think these old houses are just made for tiny people. Like, they didn't understand, like human growth hormone or GMO products or, you know, just like what dairy does to us as Americans.

[A]

Yeah. Protein shakes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, so no one saw the.

[B]

Trajectory of the gigantic growth of Americans. Okay? And so these houses are smurf houses. It's like doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do do do do us. That's Minneapolis.

[A]

Yeah, but Minneapolis is like land of Viking ancestors. So, like all, all the houses should be shaped like giant ships, to be honest. I mean, even they're like their, their big muse. Is it their museum or is it their stadium is like shaped like a Viking ship. So I don't understand why they don't have Viking sized houses and door doorways and stairwells.

[B]

So Brett's like, well, I guess as a teacher, guess what? Everybody not making millions, okay. Joe does make more as a software engineer. Then guess what? You're going to have to hit your head because you married a rich twink. Okay? So the rich twink wins. And you're also going to have to give him a kid and stop this. I don't know if I want a kid or a cat. Get Joe a kid. He's rich.

[A]

He's. He's not only supporting you, he's also making you food. So come on. So now they're going to knitting you set. Yeah. You're about to get a sweater, sir. So they start driving to house number one and it's close to where they live. And Brett's like, well, I'm just. I'm a little concerned because this is already. Now we're like, this is a mile south of our current place, which means we just added five minutes onto my commute. That's three extra tree branches I have to worry about. Oh, look, there's a turkey. There's a turkey. All urban turkey. I love an urban turkey.

[B]

And just like, oh, my God.

[A]

Turkey.

[B]

I guess. I mean, I don't. I don't know, because I can never tell a turkey from a vulture.

[A]

But is it really? I'm like, this is not necessarily Park Avenue that they're driving down here. I wouldn't say. This is. This is like.

[B]

It's a turkey right by the subway in the suburbs of mini. So Joe's like, this is cute. I love the red door. I was like, that's so sad that that's all you can say when you're driving up to a house, and all you can say is, I love the door. Yeah, it's 300.

[A]

Cute little cottage. It's like a cottage type.

[B]

It looks like a garage to me. Looks like a garage. I'm not that snobby, you know, it's not like I'm some. Like, I will only live in a mansion, but this one looks like a little. A little barn.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a. To me, it looked like a cute little. Cute little house. And so it's three bed, one bath. And this is where we see Janelle. Janelle comes out of it, and she's like, so this time of year, bitches. There's hardly anything on the market. And, like, most listings happen in the spring or summer. So right now, it's really slim pickings. But Brett is, like, really concerned about what he's spending on the house, and Joe doesn't really care. So finding that common ground and the perfect house with a perfect price is going to be, you know, it's going to be how this puzzle. Figure out how this puzzle gets together. And that's when I was like, you. I was like, oh, I thought Janelle was going to be more fun than that.

[B]

Yeah, I really needed her to be like, oh, my God, you guys are choosing the house at the wrong time. Dummies and dumb queens. Okay, so you're tiny. You're gigantic. How does that work? Is that a kink? That's hilarious. Okay, so here's a house. It's about 30% more than you asked me in your budget, which is totally normal because I don't really care what you think, okay? So just take it so I can get my commission. I'm busy, and you're the most boring gay people I've ever met in my life. Do you knit? No one cares. Bye. That's what I mean.

[A]

So they walk in, and there's, like, hardwood floors, which Brett likes. And Joe says the thing that you love, where he goes, oh, my God. I can just, like, really see myself having my morning coffee here.

[B]

He also does imaginary plants everywhere, where he's like, oh, my God. I can see this whole place covered in plants.

[A]

The living room is just, like, the most generic living. Living space you can imagine. It is just a rectangle. It is just like a door with a rectangle. It's like if someone said, like, went up to, like, second graders and said, do a blueprint. Do a blueprint of a house, and they just drew a bunch of squares. That's what this looks like.

[B]

Well, this is bungalow style. And, you know, I'm a bungalow person. I lived in one. I've lived in a couple in my life, and they're just like that. They're tiny, little square rooms with wood floors. That's all they are. And I love that. Any room. And they do it in this episode, any room they want. Walk into the realtor can go, oh, my God. So you could use this as the master, or you could use this as a closet. You could use it as a sewing room. You could use it as a shoe box. You could use it as a Lego. You could use. You could use it as a banana. It's like, they're all the same thing.

[A]

It's like, alita Adams, you could use this as a bedroom. You could use this as a shoe box.

[B]

Whatever your use is just knit me a sweater before I marry you, because I'm not going to marry you.

[A]

Knit me a sweater because I wanted to. Father curse. So.

[B]

So they never makes another single again. We're like, hey, you guys, whatever happened to Alita Adams? She's like, joan did me a sweater.

[A]

I tried to take on the sweater cur. I don't care what you do. Don't go up against the sweater curse.

[B]

No one ever heard from Alita Adams again. So these rooms are basically all the same, but there's only one bathroom. And Brett does that thing like, there's a house that's already built, right? And Brett does that thing going where he goes, yeah, but we were hoping for one and a half. And so now everywhere they go, he goes, but can there be Another bathroom? What about a half a bathroom? Could there be like another half bath bathroom? Brett, the house is built, babe. Okay?

[A]

It's over, it's done. It's called outhouse Hole in the ground. So then Janelle's like, yeah, I know. Well, the thing is, this house has almost everything else except for two bathrooms. So look, I'm going to show the kitchen instead.

[B]

Yeah. Because you. You like baking, and that's where people bake, in the kitchen. Okay, let's do that. This is going to be the biggest kitchen you've ever seen. So they go into the kitchen, and Joe immediately is like, there's no ventilation in here.

[A]

And.

[B]

Oh, you need that for baking or. Because you're marrying a fucking gigantic person with gigantic farts. Because that's your problem, not mine. Okay? Everyone loves smelling muffins. Okay? Choke me with the muffin smell. What do I care? You're buying this house.

[A]

Yeah. He is one over. Despite the fact that there's no ventilation, which is funny. He's really won over by this kitchen because it's so quote unquote big. He's like, it's so big. It's actually. The room is big. The kitchen is not big. It's actually just like the same amount of counter space. Like, it's. It's maybe slightly larger counter space than other places that they go to. And it's got. It's sort of a generic looking, like, kitchen. It's like, there's no distinctive aspect to it.

[B]

It looks like they moved the kitchen into this gigantic room that was not supposed to be the kitchen because there's no way it wouldn't have ventilation. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the cabinets don't fit in the kitchen. Like, they fill, like, a little part of the kitchen, but then there's huge bare walls all over the rest of the kitchen. It's like, what's the point? Why would you move the kitchen to this huge room when there's, like, you have, like, cabinets from Home Depot that are too small in it? Also, another thing that is consistent throughout this entire episode. Bad flips. This is a bad flip kitchen.

[A]

Yeah. So Janelle's like, well, don't worry, I know someone. Yeah. She's like, yeah, I definitely know someone. She's like, call up caser to show up like a. With, like, a hammer. Yeah. He can do it for you. Right?

[B]

She's one of those who's just. When something's wrong, she just goes, you can just get a. A new one. Oh, you don't like the countertops? I Have a counter guy. You don't like that there's not a bathroom. Just add a bathroom. That costs money. These people are trying to spend $25. They're not going to just be like, get me a new kitchen.

[A]

It's gonna be Howie From Big Brother 6 trying to put something together. It'll be a disaster. So Brett's like, he's worried that Joe's gonna be overconfident with this house, and he worries that they're gonna need to buy some expensive things and that, like, you know, when it comes time to buy those expensive things in this house, they're not gonna have the money for it.

[B]

Yeah. And you're not. That's. That is absolutely true. Okay, so. So then they have.

[A]

There's a deck.

[B]

Oh, there's a deck.

[A]

I say there's a deck that's outside and it's like, nice. But the thing is, you have to go out the side door and go. Go walk sort of like out the house a little bit on the sidewalk, through a gate, and then go back up on the deck. So they're really upset about that. I actually personally don't think that's like the worst thing in the world. If you like the rest of the house that's like, not. It's like you just.

[B]

Well, I think it's worse that the backyard is on the same. Like there's a chain link fence. Chain link fence. And it's like staring right at the street. You walk all your. I don't know. It's not. Not. It's not the best. It's not the best.

[A]

I think. I think the worst. I think what's. What's worse is everything else about this house. Like, I think it's like the deck. Walking outside to get to the deck is the least of the concerns. I think just the generic blahness of this house and this shitty property on this shitty block. I think that's the problem.

[B]

Yeah. Not great. And there's airplanes flying over every two seconds, you know.

[A]

Well, there's only one, by the way they walk outside and there's like one airplane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. It's airplane noise.

[B]

Yeah. But there's never. That's how airports work. There's never just one plane. They're all. They're constant, you know, it's like.

[A]

That's white noise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It never get used to it.

[B]

So they don't love.

[A]

I like how I both like anything that they don't like. I'm like, it's fine. But then something that they like. I'm like, this house sucks.

[B]

Yeah. Have you met us? That's how we are. Like, we're going to argue with literally anything that you tell us. So then they go, there's a simple basement. There's laundry, utility. And Joe goes, could we put a second bathroom here? Chat. Fucking. Listen. Joe just wants Brett to have a place to poop where Joe doesn't have to deal with them. You know what I mean?

[A]

I think that's what it is.

[B]

And so Janelle's like, that would be at least 10 grand. And she's like, brett's really concerned about the money. And I keep telling him that this is an appreciating deal. So, you know, houses go up at least 6% a year. I mean, so did the chances of you eventually getting a sweater.

[A]

She goes, I'm hoping to connect with Brett in terms of money and growing it, like savings. Hold on, let me try. Hey, Brett, do you know how houses work? You buy them, they appreciate in value, and then you sell them for more, you idiot. Okay, I think it worked out.

[B]

So then, let's see. This is where she's just showing them a tiny bedroom. Oh, no, this is the attic. And she's like, this could be used as the primary. I mean, who doesn't want to sleep in an attic of their own home, right? Right, guys, this is going to be great. No insulation. It's going to be so fun.

[A]

Exactly. Like, it's basically a converted attic. And so as such, the. The roof, like, the roof line comes in, so it's sort of diagonal on the side. So of course, Brett's like, I'm probably gonna hit my head on the sides of these. And Janelle goes, well, but if you stay in the middle of the room, you will.

[B]

Yeah, stay in the middle, you idiot.

[A]

This is the Brett lane. We're gonna put lanes on the floor, and you stay in the lane.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

That's gonna be your lane.

[B]

Brett stays inside the lines, and when he doesn't, he gets an owie. Okay? Those are the new rules.

[A]

Brad, she is over him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he. Joe's. Joe likes it. He thinks it's. It's. He just loves the kitchen. I think the kitchen is the thing that has really sold him on this one.

[B]

Yeah. So now they're driving, and they're doing their driving and talking thing, and Joe's like, so what is this one, like 10 minutes from work? And Bret. Oh, my God, this is way closer. God, I love being close to school. I love that. North Minnesota. Wow. What a great place. And Joe's like, it's a very suburb y. Lots of strip malls, little chain stores everywhere. Really want to be closer to Anne's thread.

[A]

I mean, Brett's like, but you love curly fries, though. Can't knit a sweater out of curly fries. And I've tried.

[B]

So curly fries do not a turtle make. No, do not a turtleneck make Hagrid. Okay.

[A]

I like that Joe is, like, quietly aggressing this neighborhood when it looks exactly the same as the last neighborhood they were in. It's like, I'm like, I don't see a difference. And by the way, you can't, like, be all into baking and sewing and all these homely little hobbies and then be like, suddenly you want to be in the center of the action. Like, no, you are. You have.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You're home goods. You're in the home.

[B]

Listen, I could still want to knit a sweater and then go see stripper dick later in the day. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. I stand by my rights.

[A]

Of course. I say this as someone who does all of these hobbies and would refuse to move out to the suburbs.

[B]

That's true. In my own house hunting journey, I ended up in the suburbs mostly because my family lived there. And so it would be. That's the only people I know. Well, those are the only people I know. So that's who I need to be close to. But also because I could afford it. Like, in the city of Austin, I can't afford shit, but in the suburbs, I could actually afford decent. And listen, I have no life. And when I do have to go do something, I complain to the person who invited me the whole time. Like, wow, I drove to Austin. Don't worry about it. It only took me 45 minutes to get here. It was a great drive. God, I love driving. About 45 minutes. I almost got to listen to an entire Sydney Sheldon book. Thank you so much for inviting me to Austin.

[A]

So Linda announces today they are meeting Janelle. That's meeting Janelle for a lower, lower priced place for Brett. And while it's not his split level, it is a Rambler style and covered in styrofoam so he doesn't hit his head because he clearly doesn't understand spatial awareness.

[B]

She just wanted to make sure that there's something with trees outside that Brett can nibble the tops of with his freakishly tall ass.

[A]

Joe will then get on the piano downstairs and play the theme song to Jurassic park while someone, while his friend dresses up up like Laura Dern and pretends to be shocked at the sight.

[B]

Of Brett nibbling on the child with those. With his knitting needle squawking like one of those little dinosaur bird things. So this one is a mid century modern from a 1954 and Chanel's. Like some of the rooms feel open concept. A lot of the touches are mid built ins. Like, look at that. That's so mid the built ins. Do you like those? They're built in.

[A]

By the way. I really like this house. I thought this was really cute. I liked the layout. I liked how it was open concept, but not like open open concept. It was still rooms, but they flowed and they had those rounded arches. So. And I felt like for. For these two guys and what their lifestyle seems to be, I right away was like, this is, this is definitely a, like a good choice.

[B]

Here was the issue with, I had with it. It's a cheap flip where they take one of these houses from the 1950s and they just, just go to Home Depot and get those like hollow doors. And then they get the cheapest gray carpet and they paint all the, all the walls gray. It's like gray, gray, gray, gray, gray. And shitty door. They replaced everything with like really, really bad box store stuff. But you know, maybe you could take up the carpet and still get the old wood back and stuff like that.

[A]

But these guys are at a box store level. I mean, that's. I'm sorry. This is like their. It's like their starter home. They want to spend like a couple thousand dollars. That's box store.

[B]

Yeah, I get it.

[A]

They're. What they're looking for is something that is like, not like broken down things, janky mold everywhere, yada, yada. Which could be there. If it's a bad flip, it could be there. But honestly, to me, I was like, this looks just what they need.

[B]

Well, I mean, it definitely looked like clean and painted. So I think that, Yeah, I think that this episode, that's really all we can ask for. You know what I mean? There's not like poop on the floor, so.

[A]

And there's two bathrooms. And it was just like. I. I just like the little flow of it. I just saw it. I was like, this is so adorable. This is the perfect little house for sweater. For sweater gaze.

[B]

It is. Yeah, it is. Okay, you sold me. I'll take number two. See, you should have been the realtor on this show. I love it now.

[A]

I just was like immediately, this is better than that bungalow. I'm sorry. The bungalow was not terrible by Any stretch of the imagination, but. But this one already just had a better vibe. I really liked it.

[B]

Yeah. So there's a fresh tile, There's a new vanity. And she's like, it's so cute, right? I'm like, that's from Home Depot. And then she's like, and it's not the only bathroom you won't have to poop near Brett. And Brett's like, wait a minute. Under 302 bathrooms. What's going on here? This is fishy.

[A]

Yeah. And then they walk into, like, one of the bedrooms. And then Joe goes, nice windows. And it's like the most generic window. What? It's just like a window and. Yeah, a rectangle.

[B]

Joe' Just trying to be positive, but this is also a flip where they just start putting barn doors on things.

[A]

Like what?

[B]

This is a mid century modern house. Why are you painting it gray and putting barn doors on every door? That's so weird.

[A]

It made no sense. But again, it's perfect for these guys. Cuz of course, when Joe sees the barn door, he's. His, like, eyes light up. He's like, oh, my God, perfect storage for the sweaters. And Brett's like, if Joe had his way, he'd have a barn door on every door.

[B]

So I wrote all brand new and generic, but cute. So she's like, well, the kitchen's not huge, but it is updated. And Brett's like, ow, I hit my head on the light fixture. She's like, well, it's amazing. No matter how many homes we look at, Brett's still a idiot.

[A]

That's something. Joe's like, well, there's enough cabinetry, but I think it could be better and we could have a bigger space, but it's doable. I was like, it's a perfectly fine galley kitchen.

[B]

I'm sorry. She's like, oh, really? You could do better. Are you gonna find a husband that makes a better living? Because you're looking for a house for 275. So this is. This is what you're gonna get.

[A]

This is good. So in the backyard's nice. It's like fenced in. It's private. And Joe likes that there's, you know, space that he could go gardening. And Brett's like, we could have a hundred people back here. I'm like, okay, big, big ass sweater party in the backyard. I'm sure that'll be great. Yeah.

[B]

He goes, oh, my God. We could do gardening. We could do hosting. And so they go, now there's a basement. So they go down to the basement. And Brett's like, oh, my God, I might smack my head. And Chanel's like, just fucking do it. Let's get it over with. So we listen to you cry about it and I can continue talking. Okay, you fucking moron, do it.

[A]

So they go, no, I'm not gonna.

[B]

Do it this time. Do it. I'm not going to. I see it coming. Do it.

[A]

It.

[B]

I'm not gonna do. Ow. I hit my head.

[A]

To be fair, this basement does have legitimately low ceilings. Like, they are ducking to get into the bathroom. This, to me, is the biggest downside of the house are these low ass, low ceiling. Basement's nice.

[B]

I mean, to Joe, this is like his little mouse hideout. Hideout that he needs. Like, if you're pissed off at your husband, go down to your Joe cave. Like, that guy's never gonna go down there. He would have to crawl to get in there.

[A]

It's the perfect place for, like, a little, you know, knitting. A knitting sanctuary. So it is perfect for Joe.

[B]

Yeah. So then he likes it. But Brett's like, oh, my God, it's close to where I work. Love the backyard. I'm a little worried about the basement ceilings because that art. Can we see a split level, please? Let me see a split level.

[A]

So now they go to house number three, which is a split level. And so it's much larger than the previous two houses. Just on the outside, it actually has a garage. They didn't even talk about the parking for the other two, which seemed like it was street parking. And so they show up, and Joe's like, oh, this kind of reminds me of my grandma's house. Which is only a good thing, right? Because grandma's not an insult according to you, right, Brett?

[B]

He's like, yeah, I want to fuck her. It's like, what? I'm sorry. I have a grandma fetish. That is why I said yes to you. I like that. Linda's bitchy, too, because she's like, next house is all Brett. And Joe is already pushing back. It's like, leave Joe alone. I think that Joe has been very nice this whole episode, don't you?

[A]

Joe has been very agreeable. Like, they both. They're both, like, kind of sweet. Like, this is a nice house. I could see myself living here.

[B]

Yeah, they're both sweet to each other. And so, yeah, so Brett's like, it is over what we want to pay, but it's split level.

[A]

So they go in. It's four bed, two bath. They walk in. It's like, A very standard split level design where it literally looks like the house from Maraviestown, but just with. With vaulted ceilings, and you, like, walk up the stairs, and then there's like, the kitchen in front, the living space that wraps around to the right that connects back into the kitchen.

[B]

Why do people build these? I don't understand this. I get, like, wanting a two story, but why would you want a home where you. You have to go up the stairs to open the front door, and then you have to choose to go either upstairs or downstairs. There's no level on the level. Like, why? I don't understand.

[A]

I don't understand either. But I have to say, I do enjoy a split level. I don't know why. I think it just makes me feel like I'm in an M.C. escher painting.

[B]

That sounds like doordash hell to me. It's like I would be like, should I order this pizza? Because I'm gonna have to walk up the stairs to get the pizza. I don't know.

[A]

You know what it's like. It's little staircases, so you feel like a sense of luxury. It's like, ooh, multiple floors, but it's only little staircases. My friend, when I was. Was. When I was a kid, my friend had a split level house, but it was like, super split. So you, like, walk in. It's like the living room, but then you can walk downstairs into, like, the family room, or you can walk upstairs to, like, the bedroom area, or you can walk even more upstairs to more bedrooms. But it wasn't like a mansion or anything. It just was like the same size as this house. And I loved all, like, the. All the. The options of floors. It was like, my favorite. Yeah, it was like, I just felt like the world was your oyster. You can go at any level, do.

[B]

Things if oysters had a lot of stairs. So Brett's like, okay, so this has gotta be over 300, right? I mean, look at all the stairs. I mean, this is a split level. Is it over 300? Is it 335? Just tell me about it.

[A]

The world is my oyster in here.

[B]

He's like, this is the world is my oyster. Like, each step I'm stepping on are my oysters stepping on oysters. Getting up to the next level kitchen. I might have to eat my words and be okay with spending a little bit more lobsters.

[A]

Yeah, he is, like, okay with it. And then Joe is like, okay, well, let's see the rest of the house. Can we try not to make any commitments right away? Okay, like, congratulations. There's a bay window.

[B]

So they go on gray on gray. Gray carpet, gray walls, gray doors, gray everything. Gray, gray, gray, gray.

[A]

But everything, honestly, so far, looks good. Like, the kitchen's good. The kitchen is very generic, but it's good. The living space is big. There's a nice bay window. Everything is good. But then they're like, I smell something. What is that? I smell a flip. Is this a flip? Did you put us in a flip, Janelle?

[B]

Yeah, it's true. Brett actually goes, this is always what I want to say when I'm looking at a place that I'm gonna purchase in the future. I always like to say this. Well, the carpet's not gross. I was like, just leave. Like, that's what a terrible thing to think. And Joe's like, is this a flip? Is this a flip? I see new carpet and Chanel's like, does flipping concern you? Does.

[A]

Are you prefer it to be unflipped?

[B]

Not getting.

[A]

Should we just. Should I just show you decrepit old houses that aren't flipped that you yourself will flip in turn? And do you want someone else to make the shitty flip for you, or do you want to make the shitty flip that's the case? My question for you.

[B]

Also, the last place was a flip, so I love that you guys are like the flip police, but you didn't even notice that the last place was a total flip. It. So whatever. So there's a weird cutout window in the master bedroom that's like a Lego glory hole. Like, what the is that thing? What is that?

[A]

Yeah, it's weird. It's like a. It's like a crawl space. Storage. It's like they. They turned a. Some sort of crawl space into kind of a storage space. It's strange. You have to like crawl into it to access your sweaters.

[B]

But it's above the floor. Like, you would have to get a ladder to crawl into it. Super weird.

[A]

Is it a vault at some point? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, but. But you know, and it also does that thing, I. I believe where it looks like the primary bedroom is attached. Like it's ensuite also leads to the hallway. I hate a bathroom with two doors. I feel like I'm gonna get walked in on at any moment. I just need to have one access point for a bathroom.

[B]

I know, I hate them too, because whoever goes in there has to lock both doors, right? But when they leave, they only unlock their own door. So then the next person comes in and they're God damn it. You locked the door again. So then they have to walk all the way around to the other bedroom.

[A]

I didn't even think about that. That's so true.

[B]

Yeah, we used to have one of those. Can you tell? My parents had one in their house. And we were like, okay. So then we see the. The downstairs, and it's a basement. You don't have to duck.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because it's a split level, and split levels apparently are made for gigantic people.

[A]

Yeah. And this is my favorite part. I think maybe the entire episode. So there's this old wood. Wood burning stove. It's like an antique stove. And Joe's like, right next to the carpet. Is that a fire hazard? And then Brett goes, janelle, I don't know if I told you this, but Joe's family cabin burned down about a year and a half ago. She's like, oh.

[B]

She's like, oh, no. And Joe's like, yeah, my grandma died. That's when I became obsessed with baking, sewing, and pinching children on their underarms when no one's looking. But it was lightning, not the stove, that caused the fire.

[A]

So that's. I like that also, because Breck goes, I've just been really anxious about fire. Indoor fireplaces ever since then. And he's like, by the way, just to be short, just everyone knows it was lightning. That's not a fireplace.

[B]

Yeah. And Brett's like, what?

[A]

A curse is real?

[B]

He's like, still, though. Yeah, we need to have it removed. Joe's mother was knitting a sweater for her father before they got married and it burned down the entire house.

[A]

Joe's grandma was knitting a sweater for Zeus, and he just went right in with that lightning, by the way.

[B]

I was like, brett, do you have a boner? Sorry, we were talking about grandmas. Sorry, Grandma fetish.

[A]

Hey, Brett, I've got a great idea. Hey, this is Janelle from Big Brother. How about you just never turn that stove on because are you really going to use a wood burning stove, you idiot? It's there for ornamentation.

[B]

Like, literally. How about you just don't turn it on, Weirdos.

[A]

Just put it. Use it for storage. Make it cute. Make it into a terrarium or something. But Janelle just goes, oh, we can just, like, make this gas.

[B]

I have a stove right here.

[A]

What are you talking about, Janelle?

[B]

Okay, she literally does say that. Huh? She's like, yeah, we can make it gas. Which, guess what, still makes fire. But also, you guys, you live in a house with an oven. I mean, isn't that, I guess. Cause it's around tile. Maybe it's not, because it's like carpet it.

[A]

You are. Have a house full of yarn and you have ovens.

[B]

She's like, you guys are literally flaming. So should I just get a place that's all made of ceramic?

[A]

Hey, why don't you stick your head into that stove and if you bonk it, then you buy it. Okay.

[B]

Okay. So then now they have to decide.

[A]

Okay. So, by the way, as they just While they're choosing, in my mind, it was blatantly obvious. I felt like they were going to go for the third one because it was pretty much in their budget. Split level. No head bonking room for everything. Yes, it's a flip. But ultimately it's nice. It's for their needs. It's. I don't know where it even was, but I was like, it's clear. The third one. If it's not the third one, it's definitely the second one. Not even considering the first one. Like, that was like, not even a question for me. That's. First one eliminated.

[B]

Me too. Because even they even do the thing where they go, okay, well, let's decide first of all, the Bungalow. And normally on this show, they go, the bungalow. Let's. The first one was horrible. Let's get rid of that one. Whatever they bring up first is the one they get rid of. But this time they're like, the bungalow. I like that it's in South Mini. And he goes, yeah, you really haven't stopped talking about South Mini. You know, there are penis bars somewhere else. Name a place, Brett. Name a place.

[A]

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. You can't get to the deck from the kitchen. We have to actually walk a little bit farther. It's absolutely absurd.

[B]

So then Joe's like, well, and by.

[A]

The way, also, one bathroom. Only one bathroom.

[B]

Only one bathroom with tiny rooms for a giant man. Okay. And he's like, but then the rambler, that's under 300,000, which was good. And Joe's like, yeah, and it was close to your work. But the kitchen doesn't have all the cabinets. Brett's like, yeah, and it only. But it does have two bathrooms. And Joe's like, yeah, but I'm not used to that loc. Like, what's the point? I mean, we're just gonna have people that we don't really understand using our second pooper.

[A]

Yeah, because Brett goes, I mean, even though it's not south Minneapolis, I think we can make new friends.

[B]

And Joe's like, well, we need to talk about ceilings now. And Brett's like, yeah, the split level. I didn't have any ceiling issues. And, you know, we could host a thousand people and then they have that deck. I mean, the price sucks, but. But the rest of it's great. Split level, stairs.

[A]

It'll be amazing. It'll be just like my childhood. So then I put it up on. On screen. I kind of like these nicknames. One bath bungalow. I actually, I just really liked Low ceiling Rambler.

[B]

I don't know why.

[A]

That was, like, so funny to me.

[B]

Oh my God, that guy is like such a low ceiling rambler. I can't.

[A]

Did you see that low ceiling rambler walk by? Enjoy your life of. Of being low ceilinged stupid rambler.

[B]

So then Joe's like, yeah, and that, that third one is a lot of space for the money. God, I know. I'd love to live south, Mini, but the commute's so important to you. This is really tough. I wrote two is the best for me.

[A]

They choose two is the best for me.

[B]

They choose bungalow number one.

[A]

I was shocked. I wrote an all cap. They chose the bungalow. And then I texted you and I said, fuck these guys, because I was so mad that they chose the shittiest option of all of them. Why? Why does this always happen? I mean, they're so nice. They're so nice. But. But why this house? Why did you choose this house?

[B]

I think eventually it's more important to, like, still be close to the bars, you know, they're still young.

[A]

I think, so. So they gotta be near Mimi, you know? Like, we only have one friend whose name sort of reminds us of Mariah Carey. So we have to be close to her.

[B]

We only have one friend who's not a total camera whore. Mimi. And we don't want to leave her. So they actually tell us that they're staying here because they met in this neighborhood and it's where they fell in love. And Brett's like, it's got so much charm. So I'll have to poop in the same room as Brett, you know, or as Joe. Maybe we can use a rest. Maybe I can use a rest stop while I'm driving, you know, to and from work for six hours. Surely there's somewhere to poop there.

[A]

And Joe has promised he will cover our. Our attic ceiling with knit cloth, so that way it will hurt my head as much when I bunk into it. But also, it the. There was a bidding war and they actually wound up paying more for this house. They went above budget for the worst house of the three. I couldn't believe it.

[B]

Yeah, they went to 335, which was, I mean, sounds like, oh my God, that's so much. But really in the scheme of things. Wow. They got that house for 335. Hello, Minneapolis. So you're my new home.

[A]

I love Minneapolis as it is.

[B]

Yeah, I love Minneapolis. We like it. I'm going.

[A]

Maybe I'll just buy a little pieta terre in South Mini and hang out with my fellow sweater gays.

[B]

Yep. Well, everybody, that was a pretty cute episode. Thank you so much for being with us today. We will be back in a couple of weeks. Thanks for supporting One Dream Plus. Go check out all our Crappens episodes and we will talk to you next time. Bye wonderful.

[A]

Bye everyone. Acast Powers the World's Best Podcasts Here's a show that we recommend. We all have bad days and sometimes bad weeks and maybe even bad years.

[B]

But the good news is we don't.

[A]

Have to figure out life all alone. I'm comedian Chris Duffy, host of ted's how to Be a Better Human podcast and our show is about the little ways that you can improve your life. Actual practical tips that you can put into place that will make your day to day better. Whether it is setting boundaries at work or rethinking how you clean your house, each episode has conversations with experts who share tips on how to navigate life's ups and downs. Find how to be a better human wherever you're listening to this Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.