Dwell Hello #321: Cats First, Wife Second in NJ

Summary

Watch What Crappens: Dwell Hello #321 – "Cats First, Wife Second in NJ"

Date: October 26, 2023
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Episode Recap and Summary

---

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of Dwell Hello, the Watch What Crappens spinoff House Hunters recap, finds Ben and Ronnie delightfully skewering another earnest couple on "House Hunters." The couple in question are Mac (the wife, project-lover) and Dane (the husband, staunch cat-dad and change-hater) searching for a home near the New Jersey shore. As always, Ben and Ronnie revel in the show's clash of personality quirks, budget woes, and absurd priorities (namely, Dane’s cat tube dream and “fish mailbox” obsession).

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The House Hunters Episode Setup (00:44–07:53)

• Setting: Season 162, Episode 3 of House Hunters – “Cats First, Wife Second in New Jersey”
• The title sets the tone: Dane’s priorities are “Cats First, Wife Second.”
• Ronnie: “You know this guy’s gonna be trouble. Cats first? Bye.”
• The couple dynamic: Mac is into home projects and wants to remodel, Dane is allergic to change, and cats dominate the relationship hierarchy.
• Intro Tones: Ben jokes about the House Hunters “whimsical hip hop” caption, dismissing its weirdness for this Jersey Shore episode.
  • Ben (05:21): “Is that like Busta Rhymes laying down some tracks with a glockenspiel?”

---

2. The Silo Tangent & Bravo Mashups (02:11–04:44)

• The hosts hilariously riff on Apple TV’s "Silo," comparing the “hill” in a House Hunters snippet to the fatal hill in "Silo," and imagine “open concept silos” and “double vanities” in dystopian settings.
• Memorable Quote:
  • Ronnie (03:52): “Can we knock out some walls in the silo? More of an open concept silo?”

---

3. Meet Mac & Dane, a Jersey Couple (04:44–07:06)

• Linda the narrator delivers backstory: newlyweds, three cats, very different priorities.
• Mac wants to fix, remodel, and project-ify; Dane resists all change except his devotion to the cats.
• Mac’s desire for “home projects” is played off against Dane’s total disinterest (and inability) to handle change.

---

4. The Cat Tube Saga (08:23–14:22)

• Dane is fixated on installing a “cat tube” from the house to the garage; Mac is justifiably skeptical.
• Ben and Ronnie analyze the insanity of building holes in walls for cats, the logistics, and Mac’s resignation to her “dashed dreams.”
• Memorable Quotes:
  • Ben (11:07): “You’re going to have a draft coming through the cat tube.”
  • Ronnie (11:14): “You’re going to be getting your car fumes. Straight. Moron.”
  • Ben (14:04): “I don’t know if my despair counts as a cat, but I think it is. And I’d like to shove it down a tube, too, to be honest.”

---

5. Visiting Dane’s Family (14:22–18:17)

• A bleak portrait: Dane’s humorless father, a nameless, equally humorless brother (possibly “Charlie”), and Mac’s blunt dynamic with the in-laws.
• Ben muses that the family could be extras from "Mare of Easttown.”
• Quote:
  • Ronnie (16:39): “There’s literally a Payless logo on the box that this house was built out of.”
• Mac's exasperation is matched only by Dane’s lack of self-awareness.

---

6. Budget Talk and Seller’s Market Woes (19:16–20:39)

• Mac and Dane’s budget is $250,000. The hosts are amazed at Jersey shore prices and the “non-negotiable” garage.
• Mac: desperate to escape the apartment; Dane: desperate for a garage (and nowhere for change).
• The hosts continue to lampoon Linda’s narration and the use of mood music—“whimsical” to “suspenseful” hip hop.

---

7. House Tours: Room by Room Ridicule

House #1: Yellow Two-Story Colonial by the Highway (25:49–36:29)

• Proximity to highway is horrifying, not “quaint.”
• Mac nitpicks the “step down” living room, white carpet (“dirty fucking carpet idiot!” (28:39)), formica “granite” kitchen, structural dips.
• Ronnie (28:32): “How do you think that white carpet feels about you?”
• Bathroom off the kitchen is roundly mocked:
  • Ben (31:08): “Where do you… you have to make some concessions. Okay, so the bathroom has a door into the kitchen. You’ll deal.”
• “Big deck” misheard as “big dick” — the hosts can’t resist.
  • Ben (34:54): “I went back three times. I’m pretty sure he said, ‘this is a big dick.’”
• Dane’s ever-present plan: putting the cat tube from the second story to the garage.
• The garage is “decrepit and scary,” yet “priority number one.”

House #2: Tiny Purple House Near the Beach (38:00–42:38)

• Smaller, “Friends purple” walls, notable drop ceilings.
• Mac is desperate and totally over it; quips shade at Dane’s taste and the prospect of settling for anything.
  • Ben (39:15): “I don’t know why I married the guy. I really, really want to get out of that apartment.”
• Jack & Jill bath with weird mud room/laundry and circular layout; “another door!”
• Cat tube fantasy persists—Dane can see its imaginary route.

House #3: Renovated Ranch, $4K Over Budget (43:37–50:23)

• Active open house: hosts note it's weird to see another couple touring at the same time.
• Both hosts and house hunters unimpressed by vinyl floors, minuscule bedrooms, awkward kitchen sink.
• Backyard is a “Juliet” version – a strip of grass by the highway.
  • Ronnie (48:27): “Kim goes, that is the backyard. But look right over the fence, you could go hiking, biking. And Dan goes, that’s the highway.”
• The detached garage isn’t quite right for the “cat tube” obsession.

---

8. Realtor & Narrator Antics

• Realtor Kimberly radiates forced cheer as she shows one underwhelming house after another, always piping in with “good news!” while crumbling inside.
• Ronnie (44:58): “Kim’s like, look around. I’ll be with you in a couple of minutes. I’m talking to people that can afford this house, okay? Cat tubes.”
• Narrator Linda throws shade at Kimberly’s focus on garages.
  • Ben (37:19): “So their agent shows them a different option with another stellar garage.”

---

9. The Decision and the Aftermath (51:08–54:16)

• The couple ultimately picks House #1 (yellow colonial by the highway).
• Dane claims to have “cat tube plans” (drawings and all), but Mac is not on board.
  • Ronnie (52:24): “He drew a plan of the cat tube. Like, what are you gonna… who are you gonna show that to, Dane?”
• Closing reveals: Dane gets his “fish mailbox,” which turns out to be a hideous bass-shaped mailbox.
  • Ben (53:13): “His was this, like, monstrosity that looked like a giant bass had actually swallowed a mailbox.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ben (05:21): “Is that like Busta Rhymes laying down some tracks with a glockenspiel or something? Like, what is whimsical hip hop?”
• Ronnie (11:14): “You’re going to be getting your car fumes. Straight moron.”
• Ben (28:59): “Hope you got to have a nice conversation with your dad and your brother about carpet without me. Cause guess what? You just got your fucking dream come true, Dane.”
• Ronnie (34:47): “Kimberly goes, are you guys ready for the surprise of peace to resistance? That was a war. That was a war joke. I know you love colonials. Okay, let’s look at this deck, and it is a really big deck out there.”
• Ben (42:09): “The bad news is you got a husband who looks like mud. Just that he’s dirty.”
• Ronnie (48:27): “Kim goes, that is the backyard. But look right over the fence, you could go hiking, biking. And Dan goes, that’s the highway.” [Ben laughs]
• Ronnie (52:24): “He drew a plan of the cat tube. Like, what are you gonna… who are you gonna show that to, Dane?”
• Ben (53:13): “His was this, like, monstrosity that looked like a giant bass had actually swallowed a mailbox…”

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:44: Episode/Title/Setup explained
• 02:11–04:44: Silo TV show riffing and dystopian renovations
• 08:23–14:22: Cat tube logistics & Mac’s interior design dreams
• 14:22–18:17: Family visit (humorless dad and brother)
• 19:16–20:39: Budget talk and priorities clash
• 25:49–36:29: House #1 tour (yellow colonial, “big deck/dick,” decrepit garage)
• 38:00–42:38: House #2 tour (purple walls, drop ceilings, Jack & Jill bath)
• 43:37–50:23: House #3 tour (ranch, open house with another couple, strip yard)
• 51:08–54:16: Final choice, cat tube drawing, fish mailbox, wrap-up

---

Conclusion

Ben and Ronnie deliver another riotous, affectionate takedown of House Hunters, as the couple’s priorities spin ever farther from sense—cat tubes, garish mailboxes, and all. Their dissection is less about real estate and more about relationships, personality clashes, and the absurdities of trying to build a dream home with someone who wants to punch holes in the wall for his cats. With constant jokes, Bravo show references, and “Jersey” main character energy, this episode is a testament to why Dwell Hello is a fan-favorite recap series.

Best listened to with your cat, your partner, and a glass of wine (but not if you like “whimsical hip hop”).

Transcript

[Ronnie]

Ding dong, Bingo, Bingo. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding dong. Hello.

[Ben]

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell. Hello. Our House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Hi, Ronnie. How you doing?

[Ronnie]

Well, hello, Ben. How's it going, babes?

[Ben]

It's going great. You ready to talk some House Hunters today?

[Ronnie]

I sure am, Ben. Love me some House Hunters.

[Ben]

Let's talk some House Hunters. So today we're going to recap. House Hunters, regular House Hunters, not international House Hunters, available on Max. You can find this episode on Max, or It's actually on YouTube TV as well. Volume seven, season 162, episode three. The name of the episode, most importantly, is Cat's First Wife Second in New Jersey. That is the name as a very promising and exciting name for an episode. Cat's First Wife, Second in New Jersey.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. You know, this guy's gonna be trouble. Cats First. Bye. Why would you marry somebody that's cats first? Because I feel like people aren't secretive when they're cats first. You know, they're not. It's not. It's not a secret that they like their cat more than you. They will tell you straight up front, my cats are more important than me to you. So don't with my cats. Like, that's how you cat people are.

[Ben]

What if it's just Andrew Lloyd Webber trying to find a place in Trenton? You know, cats first wife, second in New Jersey. So, yeah, that's the kind of episode we got some people in New Jersey and one of them has. The husband has a priority for cats. So it's a disaster. Yes, it's a full disaster.

[Ronnie]

So we see little clips of what's coming, and the ladies, the wife, who's not as important as a cat, is like, wow, this is actually pretty nice. You can actually walk to the beach here. That's incredible. Wow. And it's over a hill. And it reminds me of that show Silo, where you just see this hill and people aren't allowed to go outside, but they. Sometimes they do. They rebel. And you just see them walk up this hill and then they die at the very top. That's what this hill represents to me. Like, you just can't.

[Ben]

Don't do it. Don't do it. Why aren't they allowed to go out of the Silo?

[Ronnie]

They don't know. They just know that they'll die. So that's kind of the whole thing of the show. You're trying to figure out. They're trying to figure out, what is this? Why are we all living in the Silo? And why can't we go outside? And who came before us? All history has been erased in the great erasure or whatever it's called. And so nobody has any history. They have no idea what they're doing. They'll find, like a battery on the ground from the old days and be like, oh, my God, it's a remnant. And it's like they don't know what it is. And everything's very important. You know, it'll be like an important piece of evidence is a PEZ dispenser. They don't know what it is. Wow. It's crazy, but.

[Ben]

And then they get to the top of the hill. At the top of the hill is where death happens. And do they get, like, shot or they just die?

[Ronnie]

They just die. You don't know what's really happening to them. You just know that they can't make it over the hill ever. But I see this hill on this show and I'm like, oh, my God, don't do it. And then the people in silo are like, you know what? I really wish we had been closer to town because we could have made it over that hill.

[Ben]

You know what? It's. You know, I don't mind being in a silo, but what I mind is the carpeting. I just wanted hardwood floors in the silo.

[Ronnie]

Can we knock out some walls in the silo? More of an open concept silo.

[Ben]

These appliances are old. I want an updated kitchen in this silo.

[Ronnie]

Can we get a double vanity in the silo? Is that possible?

[Ben]

Because, like, it's a real vanity. So you're telling me both be at.

[Ronnie]

The sink at the same time?

[Ben]

So you're telling me this is a 12,000 bedroom, one bathroom silo? Is there an ensuite. Hey, does anyone walk out of the silo but then come back in, or is it just like, once you get to the top of the hill, you get killed? Or, like, can people walk?

[Ronnie]

Because it's a mystery show.

[Ben]

Okay, fine. I'm intrigued now.

[Ronnie]

I want to see what's going on in the silos. It's a mystery. You're like, will they make it past that hill or they die in a cave cat tube? We don't know yet. Okay? We have to watch it.

[Ben]

So the narrator Linda, says first time silo escapees and home buyers. Mac and Dane are looking for a home near the Jersey shore, but her desire for projects is causing some friction with her idiot husband.

[Ronnie]

And then I was watching this with captions on because that's how I roll and the captions say in parentheses, whimsical hip hop plays and meanwhile, this is the best kind. It's not hip hop, okay? And it's not. It's not whimsical. Hip hop certainly.

[Ben]

Is that like Busta Rhymes laying down some tracks with a glockenspiel or something? Like, what is whimsical hip hop? I don't even know what whimsical music is in general, maybe.

[Ronnie]

No. What's whimsy? What is whimsy? What is whimsy when you're just trying to find a cheap ass place on the Jersey Shore? I don't think it exists, okay? I think you've given up whimsy. You've given it up.

[Ben]

This. I will tell you this much. Spoiler alert. This episode has not only has zero whimsy, it has reverse whimsy. It has whatever the opposite of whimsy is. This episode, it's as flimsy.

[Ronnie]

This episode has flimsy. So she's like, we can, you know, change out the vanity, right? Because, like, she's obsessed with wanting to change everything. Because in a role reversal on this show, it is the wife who wants to just get down and dirty and remodel everything at all times.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

And.

[Ben]

And then she's saying how, like, you know what, he cares for his cats and himself, and, like, the wife is secondary. So then Linda says, and to make matters worse, if it's possible, I mean, just look at this stock footage we're showing you. Dane's aversion to change might spell trouble for the couple's future.

[Ronnie]

And she's like, listen, I just want to be able to fix things. You know what? Start with your hair, because you look like you got, like, half of your hair turned white. Okay? And if that's the fashion, you know, start with your jacket. You could fix that. I mean, or your purse. You could fix your purse. You are literally covered in projects, ma'. Am, okay?

[Ben]

You literally married one. You married a project. So, like, why. Why are you so concerned with the projects in your house when you have one in your relationship?

[Ronnie]

You are both human projects, okay? Just find something you can afford and work on yourselves. That's my suggestion.

[Ben]

Yeah, I think that's a great idea. It's a great, great idea. So we opened the show properly. We're at the Jersey Shore, which is funny because so much of what we normally see at the Jersey Shore, we either see the actual show, Jersey Shore, you know, where it's like Ashbury park or whatever. Asbury Park. I Should say, and you see roller coasters, you see beaches, or we see what we see on Real Housewives in New Jersey. We where we see these vacation rentals and all these houses are like, you know, usually these sort of like nicer houses or McMansion type houses, just like beachy houses. But this is like the Jersey Shore. I guess this is the side of the Jersey shore we don't see on TV very much because this is a little houses with chain link fences all around them. Episode like, oh, this is the Jersey Shore.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, this is definitely like a slums of Beverly Hills type of, type of vibe that we've got going on here. But they do have a French market, which I think used to be called fuck market. And they were like, no, you can't say that. Let's call it French. Pardon my.

[Ben]

This used to be a Western union. And we've turned it into the French market on 114Rue de la Riviere. I was like, oh, I love you for trying to create whimsy in this very depressing location.

[Ronnie]

The sunset Jersey shore are drying with the whimsy. So Dane said, Lindsey, hip hop, we're going to get a fish mailbox. And she's like, you don't even fish. And he goes, yeah, it's a statement piece. You don't need to fish for a fish mailbox. Okay. And you know what else? We're going to have a cat tube. That's what we're going to have.

[Ben]

See, this is the thing. This is why you give them the fish mailbox. So that way you can win with the cat tube. But if you throw down the fish mailbox, you're stuck with the cat tube. Although to be fair, I am in full support of a cat tube. I would love a cat tube. Just a little cat highway going around. And when I had hamsters when I was a kid, did you have hamsters?

[Ronnie]

Yes.

[Ben]

Oh, yes. Okay, so remember like our hamsters, we always had, we took like a fish tank, we put like a mesh over it. Like we adapted into like a hamster cage. But there was like this whole series of plastic hamster cages, remember? And you could like buy multiples of them and you can attach them all together with tubes and you could create like a little hamster city. And I always wanted do that. Like, I wanted my parents to just like convert my bedroom into a hamster city. Which of course my parents didn't do because they are normal people. Yeah. But like, this is like the extension of like my hamster city concept is creating a Cat tube.

[Ronnie]

You know, I used to have hamsters and I'm still traumatized because our hamsters had babies and the mother ate her babies. And I will never forget because those babies were so. I wouldn't say cute. They were terrifying, but they were babies. And the mom just was like, fuck these babies and ate the babies. And then when we told my mom, mom, the hamster ate her babies. And she said, kids are a fucking pain in the ass. The hamster was probably sick of giving up her life for those kids. And I don't think we ever forgot that. We still talk about it on holidays.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

So cat tubes, huh? Oh, also cat tubes. Here's another thing about cat tubes. Gross. Okay. And not hamsters first.

[Ben]

Babies last in New Jersey.

[Ronnie]

Here's the thing, the cat tube. At first I was like, that's cute, right? Like a cat goes into a tube and then it crawls around. I was picturing it like the thing at the bank that you put the money into and it swoop, it swoops up in the drive through, over to the teller. But it's not that he actually wants it outside of the house. He wants it to go from inside of the house through a wal wall into a wall into a garage for some goddamn reason.

[Ben]

I don't know. Yeah, the logic of the. The plan does not make sense to me.

[Ronnie]

How does it make any sense? So you want to buy a house, you don't want to remodel it, but you want to cut holes into it that are going to completely ruin the house, by the way. They're going to have leaks and he's not going to install this cat thing.

[Ben]

Ventilation. My first thought was ventil, not ventilation was insulation. You're going to have a draft coming through the. The cat tube.

[Ronnie]

And he specifically wants it in the garage. Going into the garage. Which means you're going to be getting your car fumes. Straigh moron.

[Ben]

Yeah, I didn't like his plan. I like the idea of a cat tube, theoretically, but I don't like his plan made. No, I was like, why do you want to send the cat to the garage? So the cat can go into your car and like rest in the engine and then get killed. And also like, what happens when there's a mess in the cat tube? I mean, cats are pretty good about peeing in private places, but what if that becomes the private place for the cat? I just feel like a lot of it's not really thought through.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, it's really not. And she should divorce this guy. I Think that she's really settled, and, you know, he probably has to. Let's be honest, but break up with him, you know? And also, cats run away because, you know, these cats are like, why the fuck do you think I'm gonna want to go outside in the winter through a hole and stay in the garage that smells? Why. Why would I want to do that?

[Ben]

Yeah, I agree. So, yeah, this. This lady, Mac, she. She seems like she's resigned to a life of dash dreams. It's like she had a plan at some point. She was going to go into the city, work at Vogue, and now she. Here she is, you know, arguing over a fish mailbox and a cat tube with a guy named Dane, who is not great in any sort of way. And she's like. She's. You know, she says she's. She's like, I'm an interior designer for a commercial office furniture dealer. So she's. I think she wants to be creative. I think that's why she's so into projects, because she's doing commercial office furniture, interior design, which means she's, like, setting up cubicles and, like, waiting rooms.

[Ronnie]

Exactly. Like, how. Like, how creative is that? She's like, I need a project. Okay, here's what I want. A big white square that we're gonna put something that rolls in the middle of.

[Ben]

Do we have any generic art that we can put on a wall for the waiting room? And a plastic plant?

[Ronnie]

Do we have. You know what? I don't know that I'm into cat tubes. What I am into is a cat holding onto a laundry rope, drying rope, saying, hang in there.

[Ben]

And then Dane has the most ironic job. He owns a junk removal company. I'm like, the irony of someone owning junk removal when he himself is a piece of junk who cannot be removed.

[Ronnie]

He is a rusty can of a man. I will agree with you on that one.

[Ben]

And his whole thing this episode is that he hates change, and yet his whole career is based off the idea of people clearing stuff out, changing their space.

[Ronnie]

He literally goes through old couches looking for change. I hate change. And yet it's my daily goal. So you figure that one out.

[Ben]

So many layers in this episode already. So many cat tubes. So Max says we've been married for three years, and we live in an apartment with three cats. Two black cats, one tortie. And I don't know if my despair counts as a cat, but I think it is. And I'd like to shove it down a tube, too, to be honest.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, where'd you leave your coat, honey? And he goes in the car, and so they. He calls. He calls his dad, and so wait, are they seeing.

[Ben]

They go. They go to his dad's house. So she. They have this sort of relationship where as he's walking in the door, she goes, okay, hurry up. Even though they're, like, already there and walking in. Okay, hurry up.

[Ronnie]

Where's your coat? It's in the car. Oh, idiot. So they go in, and we see the most humorless father I've ever seen. Listen, I'm not saying everybody has to be, like, hilarious and a clown, but a dad has to have dad jokes. This dad is the most stoic, bored ass dad I've ever seen in my life. He goes, hey, what'd you do?

[Ben]

I would be sad. I would be sad too if I were overlooked to be a cast member on Mayor of Easttown. This family looks like they should have had a scene in that show. This house, this family. I'm like, where is Kate Winslet? Walking in, asking questions.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, every house in here looks like it could have been there. Everyone's like, I'm a fishmonger. I fix light bulbs.

[Ben]

We all went to high school together.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So the dad's like, when'd you get in? And he's like, we're here for dinner. And he goes, oh, so you're actually gonna stay for dinner? And Mac says, you know what? Dane is a very funny person. He's got, like, this dad joke humor, which his dad doesn't have, obviously. You know, Dane's got a real big heart. You know what, Mac? I really wanna like you because I like projects too. But you're only one half of Mac and cheese, and you can't have one without the other. So you're dead to me. You've already died to me in this episode.

[Ben]

She's just Mac Mack the night. She's like the moon that would sing songs for McDonald's. Yeah, this humorless dad. But he was very much like, yes, so what? Welcome. Welcome to the house. Oh, you're gonna actually stay for dinner this time. I was like, I love that. Because it actually gave an insight into this family dynamic. You know? Classic Dane. He comes over, he. He gets. He needs the power drill. He takes the power drill. He doesn't even stay for dinner. I'm his old man. I raised him. Okay? This was. This was me. I did all the work. And what does he do? He just takes the power drill and leaves. At least I got you, Little Mac, whatever your name is.

[Ronnie]

Comes in Here. He says, hey, dad. Oh, God, I'm freezing. I left my jacket in the car. And then he leaves. That's it. That's all this kid ever does.

[Ben]

And there's, like, the nameless little brother in the corner. Did he get a name, that brother? The little.

[Ronnie]

I was looking for it because there is a brother there. And he's also humorless. It runs in the family. I think Dane was the only one who got some humor. And so I'd love also that the dad had a Swiffer behind him for this whole segment.

[Ben]

I don't know why. I just thought that was so cute.

[Ronnie]

So Mac is like, the apartment lease is up soon, so we've been looking online. Like, I'm trying to talk Dana to move in because it's hard living in 700 square feet. Like, we've basically outgrown it. You outgrew it when you were. Don't live in 500 square feet with a person who wants a cat tube and three cats.

[Ben]

Oh, God.

[Ronnie]

No wonder he wants a hole in the wall. He feels like he's living in the Green Mile. He's probably gonna make the hole in the walls with a little spoon.

[Ben]

Over the years, I also. I just. I did love. I mean, this really did feel like it was an HBO working class drama because I love it when they walk in. Mac walks in. It's not even her kitchen, but she walks in because. Does anyone want a cup of coffee? She starts making coffee in the kitchen. I was like, this is. I was like, where's Melissa, Leo? I feel like she should be. She should be here somewhere.

[Ronnie]

She's also extremely annoyed with everybody in this house. Like, you know, she just yells at these guys all the time. And Dane's like, well, listen, basically, the things you've been showing me online, like, these dilapidated things, and you're in your dad's house. Like, there's no room for him to put the Swiffer away. You know what I mean? Like, watch the fucking mouth.

[Ben]

Sir, the walls are plywood in your dad's house, okay?

[Ronnie]

There's literally a Payless logo on the box that this house was built out of.

[Ben]

You know what this episode needed? It needed a scene. Let's say the brother's name is Charlie. It needed a scene where Max says to Dane, dane, we gotta get out of our house. We gotta get Charlie out of there. He's a good kid. He's got a future. We're done. We're not going anywhere. But Charlie's going somewhere. We gotta give him a Bed.

[Ronnie]

I only live for Charlie. So, Max. Oh, and by the way, just so anybody's. Any. Just in case anybody's, like, playing their Shazam to see what amazing urban music this is. It's suspenseful hip hop.

[Ben]

Is it really?

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Ben]

You're not kidding. You're kidding.

[Ronnie]

Suspenseful hip hop.

[Ben]

Suspenseful hip hop. This is it.

[Ronnie]

It's like when Missy Elliott thinks someone stole her car keys. Wow.

[Ben]

We went from whimsical hip hop to suspenseful hip hop, by the way. And we can let everyone know. Nothing about this was hip hop. Nothing at all. I really felt like Bruce Springsteen should have been playing. So they're looking.

[Ronnie]

So what's your budget? Like, 250. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm moving. That's it. I'm moving to the. Every time we watch this show, I'm like, what, you're $35?

[Ben]

I'm getting a tiny house with a chain link fence at the Jersey shore. Yeah. So Mac's like, yeah, yeah, it is. You got sweetener around here? What's going on? So Dane's like, well, you know what? The house has to at least be moving. Ready? I don't want to deal with a construction zone immediately. Not like your house, dad. Am I right? Am I right, Charlie? Hey, looking good, Charlie. How you doing? Well, okay. Good. Hey, no, take it. I don't want to take out any walls. No taking out appliances. It's too much. I don't like change. I don't like change. That's my character.

[Ronnie]

And Max like. But I need projects. You know, you got to put your own marks on things. Like, it's important to me.

[Ben]

Every day I go to work, and it's a cubicle this, cubicle that. Sometimes I just want a pop of color. Is that so wrong?

[Ronnie]

He's like, you're crazy, Mac. You're crazy. And he says, I need a garage because I got my own business and I need that space. And Mac's like, you guys, did you already discuss the garage? Like, what? What? What are you gonna all gang up on me about this garage? You all discuss this, huh? Huh? Whether you all discuss the garage. And the dad's like, garage? What are you gonna get a garage? Are you gonna eat dinner in there with anybody?

[Ben]

Cut to later that night, Dane and Mac in bed. Mac saying, this is the way it always is. It's not just me and you. It's me against your family. You have conversations about the garages. Charlie's just trying to get into a good college. I'm going uphill. I'm building cubicles and you're sitting there talking about garages behind my back. It needs to be you and me, okay? It needs to be you and me, Dane. Not you and your father.

[Ronnie]

You know what? I don't want to discuss this anymore. I need some office space. Flippy pee.

[Ben]

The cat just steps on her face.

[Ronnie]

So, okay, we need a tube.

[Ben]

So. So Mac is. Mac is very upset that they've already discussed the garage behind her back. And Dane's like, I mean, if you're making me move out, of course I'm gonna have a garage conversation. She goes, make you move out. Make you move out. Like suddenly I'm the bad guy here. And Dan's like, we gotta get a garage.

[Ronnie]

And she's like, we're getting a house. Not a detached garage. It comes with the house. A house. That's what we're getting. And she goes, his brilliant idea is to build a cat tube from the house to the garage. And the brother's like, you can't tell me that wouldn't be exciting to look out your house every day and see a cat tube. No, it wouldn't be. Okay, it looks. I already see a spotty, dirty, stained thing. You can't get in to clean it. No. This family's hopeless.

[Ben]

This is what you're doing to your brother, Dane. Okay? Look at Charlie. He's got good grades. He could go to Rutgers. And look what you're doing. You're filling in with fantasies of cat tubes. He's never gonna get anywhere in life. He's the future here, not us.

[Ronnie]

I promised Charlie when he was a baby, one day he could come to a house with a cat tube.

[Ben]

That's all he wants. He wants a cat tube. Give the kids something good. You know, he doesn't have much to look forward to. Ever since the accident.

[Ronnie]

It's poor. You know, when people are quiet, you can put whatever personality you want. I was like, this kid can't wait to get out of this house. He's too smart for this. He's gonna go run a bank. And then the second he talks, he's like, you gotta admit it'd be exciting to see a cat too beside your house.

[Ben]

Every day it's like, oh geez, Charlie's a lost cause. Dane tells us, do you know how much value a cat tube would add to your home? And she immediately goes, I'm gonna say zero.

[Ronnie]

Okay, well then maybe we'll just stay in apartment another year. Okay, if I can't have a cat Tube. Studio apartment living it is. And she's like, no, no, it's imperative that I move now. I will move myself. I already told my parents I'm ready to pack up my things and move home if we don't get a house.

[Ben]

I feel like I'm surprised her mom did not show up in this episode. Cause, you know, her mom probably comes in in one of those, like, sort of mauve down jacket that goes down to her ankles. Hey, hon, you need a place to stay? I feel like you need a place to stay. Ma, I got it. It's okay. We're not gonna get the cat tube.

[Ronnie]

Her mom's like, oh, let me guess. They already talked about the garage without you. Am I right? I knew it.

[Ben]

Ma, Ma, he's no good for you. I love him, Ma. Okay? We'll get through it.

[Ronnie]

You can come back home. He cannot. Okay? Last time he was there, we were missing spoons and then started finding chips in the guest room. He's not welcome.

[Ben]

It's actually played by Brenda Blethen doing a New Jersey accent so she'd get her Oscar.

[Ronnie]

You're welcome to come back home whenever you want, honey.

[Ben]

Oh, honey, I know that surely you must be mistaken. They probably didn't talk about the garage already. Oh, no, they talked about the garage.

[Ronnie]

I love that we got some Brenda Blevin in there. It's been a while since she showed up. All right, so driving around, she's like, oh, my God, did you see that house? Listen, I know you wouldn't like awnings over the windows, but that's a house right there. It's a good looking house. Take away the awnings there, we could totally work on that house. You know what we should do? Dig that house up, turn it into a pool, and then build another house over it. And then we'd have a pool under our house. It's crazy, right?

[Ben]

So Dane says that he likes colonials with tall ceilings. I'm like, you also have a $250,000 budget, so good luck. Good luck getting a colonial for that price. Unless you're just gonna have, like, a column with a bed under it as your entire house.

[Ronnie]

She's like, I would prefer a Craftsman bungalow style. The older the better.

[Ben]

I would like a Craftsman both as a house and actually as a husband, too.

[Ronnie]

That would be nice. So Dane is like, yeah, you know, Kimberly hooked us up with this listing, but you know what? It looks okay. But you can't see a garage. I mean, is it in the driveway? Is it there? Just A driveway. I mean, there's no front porch or a garage.

[Ben]

Max, like, yeah. And by the way, it's right off the highway. Look at that. You can. I mean, you can even see it. And you actually see the highway right there. And you're like, oh, gosh, I just love. I actually wish they had a front porch. That way they could sit out there. Be like, all right, let's sit out the front porch and watch. Watch the traffic jam on the Garden State Parkway.

[Ronnie]

This house is actually cute. It's like this little yellow place with like a little yellow two story with two bedrooms and two bath, which I can't believe you can get. Is it on the highway? Sure. You know, but it's cheap. And Max, like, we're literally on the highway. And he's like, but we're very. Oh, the real estate lady goes, but we're right near the beach. That's very valuable.

[Ben]

Yeah. This is Kimberly Newsome, and she's like, you know, there's not a lot of inventory, so we've been lucky enough to find a couple of houses that meet the parameters that we're looking for. Sure, they're not up to code, and they're all. Half of them are decayed from termites, but you know what? We're gonna make it work.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, we can do it. And every time she sees them in every scene, she goes, hi. Hi. What are you doing? Think, like, she's overly positive. And this couple immediately negs everything in the house. Max. Like, what is this? Is this a huge living room? What is this? A step down entrance in a living room? What do I. What do I step down in here? Seriously? Wow. Wow. So I'm stepping down, huh? Wow.

[Ben]

It is sort of an interesting house. I mean, it's funny because from the outside, it looks like nothing, but on the inside, like you said, it is cute. But when you walk in, you walk into the living room, but first there's like a little kind of wooden nook thing. It's like a half wall that like, it's like to the right and then right in front of you. So it's like guides you to the left. It's almost like walking into a supermarket. You know when you walk into a supermarket and it's like double doors. You walk in the double doors and then you think you can keep on going straight, but suddenly you have to make a left turn and walk through more double doors. But going to the left instead of just going straight. Yeah, it's kind of like that. And at first I was like, that is weird. But then I also see the value of it because that allows you to put sofa up against it. And it doesn't ruin the flow. It kind of says, like, if you put a sofa there when you walk in, it blocks the flow. But if the wall kind of says, no, I'm flowing you this way, it's okay.

[Ronnie]

Well, it's just like really stupid remodeling because it's someone who's like, I don't need the porch. We should make the house bigger. So they go through all this work, but it gives them like this much more room. Gives them like three feet of more space. She's like, well, they made it bigger. And he's like, yeah, but it's like, you know, that was a colonial feature having a porch. Like a colonial has a porch. Everyone knows that now. It ain't a colonial no more.

[Ben]

I guarantee, if that porch were there, this would still look nothing like a colonial. This would. I would not look at this and be like, ah, the American Revolution. I feel like I'm back.

[Ronnie]

So there's white carpet everywhere. Mac does not like that. And Dan's like, yeah, it's dirty. I was like, how do you think the white carpet feels about you? I mean, if you could hear a carpet crying, I'm sure you would right now.

[Ben]

Yeah. Would you like to run a finger across any surface of the house with the highway grime landing on it every single second?

[Ronnie]

So he's like, well, Max, like, well, you got carpet. You said you wanted carpet. I mean, look at this. This is what carpet does. It gets dirty. There, you said it. You know, you wanted a carpet. I told you. What did I say? Carpet gets dirty. That's what I said. But you still wanted it. Boom, you got your wish. Hope you're happy. You just the secreted yourself some dirty fucking carpet idiot.

[Ben]

Hope you got to have a nice conversation with your dad and your brother about carpet without me. Cause guess what? You just got your fucking dream come true, Dane. I don't even want to talk about you anymore.

[Ronnie]

So then we see the kitchen. The real estate ladies, but the space, there's so much space. And then they see the kitchen. And you know, the kitchen is that it's painted to look like granite, but it's like Formica granite.

[Ben]

I don't know.

[Ronnie]

This place has a lot of red flags.

[Ben]

It has. Yeah, it's. The kitchen is. It's. I mean, it's fine. It's fine. But Dane notices a dip in the floor and he goes, yeah, so. So this house is like a hundred years old. So it's probably some structural issues, which probably means money. And then Kimberly says, well, you know what, the beauty of a hundred year house, it's not going anywhere except into the ground as it sinks on a bad molded out termiten foundation. And if it survives a house fire from the electrical system.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, you know, it's just like anything in life, the older, the longer it lasts. Like look at hundred year old people. They just, they live forever. I mean, I don't her. Her logic is insane. But also he's a dummy because he's like, hey, I want a colonial. How old is this place? Well, you could tell, like he's all bitter about the old place. You want a new colonial, sir?

[Ben]

I want a brand new colonial with a solid foundation that's two stores tall that has the ability to install a cat tube for $250,000 on the beach.

[Ronnie]

Nothing says colonial like a cat tube. Am I right?

[Ben]

I know, right?

[Ronnie]

I want my kitten red coat to be able to get to the garage.

[Ben]

Paul Revere, my tabby cat, loves to be active. So Kimberly is like, well, and guess what? You have a full bathroom right here. I know the location's not ideal, but you have a full bathroom. So there's a full bathroom right off the kitchen. So Mac is like, oh, great, great. I love this. Let's make dinner, let's eat dinner. And then I'll just go to the bathroom right here. It's right here. Great. I'm like, that sounds actually pretty convenient to me personally.

[Ronnie]

You're like, can we have a kitchen table over the toilet? That would be great. Get it all done.

[Ben]

This house is tiny. Where do you. You have to make some concessions. Okay, so the bathroom has a door into the kitchen. You'll deal.

[Ronnie]

Not great. But that is the kind of show. Cause this isn't an aspirational show. Normally we recap Bravo shows where it's like, oh my God, it's aspirational. They're living in a mansion. And on this show it's just people who are like, we're about to get evicted and be forced to live with my mother. Can I live with a place where someone's shitting while I make Mac and cheese?

[Ben]

That's that. I mean, because you know, that's really what she's saying. She's like, Dane's gonna go in there and drop an egg and I gotta smell it while I'm trying to make some skillet meals from rice a Roni.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, nobody wants that. When you're trying to eat, like, okay, babe, I gotta go lay one. It's like, no. So Dane's telling us. I'm a little uneasy. It's my first time buying a house. I just know I don't want to move back to her parents. That would be a bummer. So we see the room with. Well, actually, he says his parents, which I think is funny because I love that they're both like, we're moving back to our parents and not with each other.

[Ben]

Yeah. So then they go upstairs, and there's like a. I thought it was a room. I guess it's more of a landing area where there's, like, a sunny nook, but like, also kind of parquet floors, but not quite. And they love the Mac. Loves the light that's coming in from that nook. And Dane's like, you know what? I feel like I'm on a slant right here. She's. It's got character. It's called character. You should try it sometime. Why don't you stand on an ankle for once? And you're like, you stupid dumbass.

[Ronnie]

Kimberly is like, oh, if you don't fall through. I mean, the light is fabulous, though, right? Isn't it great light, guys.

[Ben]

It's great.

[Ronnie]

You know, a good thing about light lasts forever. Until dark. Until dark. Kimberly. I can lie in Kimberly.

[Ben]

The reason why she says, if you don't fall through is because Mac is like, this place has character. Look at this. I love standing right here. And Dane goes, okay, then jump. She goes, I'm not gonna jump. And Kimberly's like, well, if you don't fall through, it's great.

[Ronnie]

So then they look at the bathroom, and Dane's like, whoa, Everything's pink. All the appliances are pink. Which I think he means, like, the bathtub and stuff. And he's like, you know what? I think if I get in that, I'm gonna get dirtier instead of cle. Like, what's the shelf above a shower?

[Ben]

What?

[Ronnie]

You. What? Are you gonna put stuff in that shelf above a shower?

[Ben]

Because he goes, you know, we could do. Because there's a random shelf above the shower. And he's like, you know, we could do. We could put some magazines up here, some towels with magazines of towels. Macas. I can't even reach that. That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen in the bathroom. What? Did you and your father and your brother talk about how you want to stack magazines above a shower now? Is that what's happening? Conversations happen above my back about things I can't reach. I'll tell you what. I can't reach your brain because I can' through to it ever in my life.

[Ronnie]

Try calling your brain. And I just hear busy every single time. Your brain is off the hook, idiot.

[Ben]

So he's like, what's not functional about that? Absolutely everything. But other than that, I think the space is great.

[Ronnie]

Love you. So Kimberly goes, are you guys ready for the surprise of peace to resistance? That was a war. That was a war joke. I know you love colonials. Okay, let's look at this deck, and it is a really big deck out there. I was actually very impressed with the big deck.

[Ben]

And I appreciated Dane's new Jersey accent, which made him sound like he said, this is definitely a big dick. I was like, excuse me.

[Ronnie]

Big dick energy.

[Ben]

I went back three times. I was like, I'm pretty sure he said, this is a big dick.

[Ronnie]

And Dane's like, oh, my God. And look, the cat tube can go from the second story across the deck to the garage.

[Ben]

You know what? You've lost your mind. Seriously, you've lost your mind. So Mac tells us, cat tube is probably last on my list. It's a ridiculous idea. I'd rather do a kitchen or bathroom before I spend a dollar on a tube.

[Ronnie]

This is one where I just disagree with both the wife and the husband. Usually I take one side where I'm like, hey, I'm on the side of redoing something. You do not need to be redoing kitchens. And you do not need a cat, too. Neither one of you. Okay. No. Okay, so next place. Next. Their agent shows them another option with a step garage. Oh, did I say no? No, no.

[Ben]

Yes. Because now they. Sorry, we're still in this first house. Because now they actually go into the garage, which is important because the garage is a whole thing. So they go into the garage, and it's, like, decrepit and scary and sad. Like, it's not finished. There's exposed plywood. Things are literally dangling from the ceiling. There's, like, exposed w. And Kimberly's like, well, you know, there's work to be done, you know, but the priorities will let me be able to move into it and give me a good garage. And the house is perfect for them. And there's, like, this creepy bathroom in the garage and everything. And, like, Kimberly's like, really trying to push this garage. Like, this is, like, this is a sexy garage. This is actually the centerpiece of your house right now.

[Ronnie]

Well, I think having a garage that actually has running water and A bathroom is kind of a thing. I mean, I know the garage is falling apart, but look, these people hate each other, right? I mean, at the very least, Mac hates him. She wants to redo something. You know the best thing to. To redo a fucking guest house in the garage, you dummy. Go make that into, like, a guest house that you can leave him and you'll have a fashionable guest house with running water. Come on, let me listen. Mac, help yourself.

[Ben]

And the really, the very important reason why I brought up the garage is because it sets up Linda, who just shades Kimberly. Now, I thought she was gonna shave Shade Dane or Mac, but she just goes after. After Kimberly because Linda goes. So their agent shows them a different option with another stellar garage.

[Ronnie]

Dumb bitch. She's saving her. She's like, wow. Guess someone looks at every picture in a listing except the garage. Moron.

[Ben]

I guess we don't care about exposed wires when we're pulling in our car, do we, Kimberly? That's a shock. Pun intended.

[Ronnie]

So now they're driving more and Max, like, I was looking at the listing, and it looks close to the water, you know, easier to drown you easier to drown you in, am I right? And he's like, well, let's hope it's close to a garage.

[Ben]

Mac's like, of course it's got a garage, you idiot. We're in New Jersey west sort of house doesn't have a garage. Oh, my God. I can't believe I married him. But I love him. I love him, but I can't believe I married him.

[Ronnie]

So this one's 225k, and it's a tiny little place, but I mean, for 225k. Jesus Christ. I mean, you can't get an Airbnb to rent for a weekend for less than that.

[Ben]

Oh, my God, it's so cheap for, like, compared to. I should say it's cheap compared to, like, LA prices, okay? Where this would literally cost $1.3 million. So Dane is like, yeah. She's like, it's imper. He's like, it's imperative we find this house as soon as possible because I don't know how much longer she can stay with me in my apartment.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And she's like, I'll leave you. I will go back to my parents. So they go in and Kim's like, guys, what do you think? We're right across from the beach. You're not gonna find a Colonial in this range or a Craftsman in this range. Okay, so here we are. This is amazing.

[Ben]

Look, you can Even see it. You can see a dune over there. Yeah, I saw someone. I think I just saw someone die at the top of that. It was so weird.

[Ronnie]

No one knows why. What can I say? So Dane's like, that could be something. We could enjoy going over that dune. And then we see this place. It's redone. It's got new wood ish floors, and it's kind of done in that friend's purple. It's like very close to that color.

[Ben]

Yes. Yeah, it's like a lilac maybe. So the living room is really small, but it has an enormous fireplace, so it already doesn't look like the most usable space. And Mac is like, you know what? I think Dane is liking this house because he's a fucking idiot. I don't know why I married the guy. I really, really want to get out of that apartment. So this could be our shot. Like, I will literally live anywhere except that apartment any longer.

[Ronnie]

And she's like, we've realized that houses in our budget are old. Okay. Yeah, well, welcome to the world. So they check out the primary bedroom. And she's like, this is small for a master. I mean, what's even going on with the ceiling? What is that acoustic tile up there?

[Ben]

It's like a drop ceiling. I don't even. I can't even explain that.

[Ronnie]

It's like, got an office ceiling, which I think Kimberly. It's like she designs offices. She's gonna love it.

[Ben]

I know. She's like, I could put a filing cabinet over here. So all the rooms are really small, and there's a lot of drop ceilings. And Dane is, like, really upset at the idea that they'd have to get rid of the drop ceilings. And she's like, you know what? It's one bedroom that has the drop ceiling. There's three bedrooms. Okay. You can stay in one of the other bedrooms. You fucking idiot. Oh, my God. I need to get a cup of coffee and talk to my mother.

[Ronnie]

She's like, oh, yeah. You know, if we want to just get rid of that ceiling, we'll just hire someone. I love when people say that. They're like, our budget is $5, so we'll just hire a contractor to come and redo everything. Like, contractors charge you methods, you know?

[Ben]

Hello, operator, can you put me in touch with anti drop ceiling removal services? Thank you so much.

[Ronnie]

So then they see this bathroom, and it's this weird color blue. And there's two doors because it's what is called a Jack and Jill bathroom. Okay. You can get into it from either side. And they're like, what? Why would a bathroom got two doors on it?

[Ben]

It's got a closet. This bathroom got a closet. But then they open the closet, and it opens up to, like, a whole, like, public room. It's like the laundry room, which then goes to the backyard. So it's like a Jack and Jill, but, like, Jack. Normally, the Jack and Jill opens up to two different bedrooms or a bedroom in a hallway.

[Ronnie]

You're right. Yeah.

[Ben]

Bedroom and a hallway. But this just leads to, like, the strange other region of the house. It was so weird. Yeah.

[Ronnie]

This is, like, the laundry room and stuff. It goes in a circle, this house. So, like, whoa, this is crazy how it all goes in a circle like that.

[Ben]

And another door. It's another door.

[Ronnie]

And Kim goes, the good news. You got a mud room. She's like, the bad news, you know, someone's probably pooping right when I'm mudding. Like, what am I supposed to do? Be taking off my muddy shoes while he poops? Like, Jesus Christ. Either I'm eating while he's pooping, or I'm taking off my muddy shoes while he's pooping. Is there anything you can get me where there's a place where he's just not pooping? Sorry, that's out of a realtor's job description, honey.

[Ben]

The good news is you got a mud room. The bad news is you got a husband who looks like mud. Just that he's dirty. So Kimberly then is like, and look at this yard. It's ginormous. So Mack likes the backyard. And she's like, you know what? This is a nice backyard. And we also have room in our budget for. And dangerous interrupts. He goes, you know, we have room in our budget for a cat tube. You can put it from this window and wrap it around the house.

[Ronnie]

And she's like, oh, my God, just show me the garage. And this is also a dump, you know? So Linda called it. Linda was right to judge on this one. So Dan's like, oh, my God. Like, how do you even open the door in this garage? Like, how am I supposed to pull in, like, open the door? There's, like, a beam right in the center. Like, what am I gonna open the door into the beam?

[Ben]

The first time it seems like he's ever been concerned with logistics of anything. So, Max, like, you know, you have to be a little more optimistic, okay? You have to think to yourself that maybe you can pull your car up three more inches for once, and then you won't hit the fucking beam, Dane.

[Ronnie]

It's like a little construction. That's all. We need a contract. And he's like, you know what? I don't believe you. And Kim's like, guys, tomorrow I'm doing an open house at a place that's completely done. Stop by and I'll show you what that looks like. Now, it's going to cost more, but you won't have anything to do. And you will get to hear this when you come in. In.

[Ben]

So they now go to. They now head to house number three. But first they're driving max, like, oh, so you're just going to blow through a red light. He goes, well, I was going to. He hits the brakes.

[Ronnie]

So let's see now. Small bungalow thing, right? So Dane's like, oh, it's not a colonial. And she goes, but it has a porch. Okay, come on. It's 254. He's like, whoa, that's really above all. But it's $4,000 above your budget, okay? You're gonna survive this.

[Ben]

It's gonna impact your monthly bill by about $30. So they. They walk in, and I feel like I've never seen this before. Where the. One of the houses is an active open house because there's another. Kim is talking to another couple. Kim is actively trying to get onto a separate House Hunters episode. She's like, I can't with these people. They're making me show the shittiest houses. How am I supposed to grow my brokerage? I can't be seen is on tv.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. How does she even make a living? Like, she has to put up with these yokels spending no money, you know, like, come on. Justice for her. I like her. So they walk in, and of course Kim's like, oh, hold on one second. And she's like, look around. I'll be with you in a couple of minutes. I'm talking to people that can afford this house. Okay? Cat tubes. Okay.

[Ben]

Those other. That other couple looks terrified. I feel like one of them was in witness protection and was not expecting to be on camera. He's like, oh, no. Oh, no. I knew I should not have come here to this house today.

[Ronnie]

He's like, oh, my God. If. If our taste level is the same with these people, we're screwed. We're not taking this house.

[Ben]

I know we can't be with these people. So they walk in. Mac likes the living room because it's quaint and. But Dane's upset because there's no carpet. He really wants carpet. And then Mac is upset that the floor. She's like, oh, I was expecting real hardwood floor, and it's just like vinyl hardwood floor. Yeah, it's the least of your issues.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, seriously. So Dan's like, we could replace it with carpet. And she's like, for once I agree with him. Oh, my God. What, are we just looking at more places or. And I'm losing my mind, or is he getting smarter?

[Ben]

I think I've just given up at this point. Go talk to your dad and your brother. Have a conversation. Just buy a fucking house. I don't care anymore. I resigned. My life is what it is.

[Ronnie]

So they check out the kitchen. It's fine. It's pretty. It's like new white cabinets. A white cream granite type thing. A stove, new stove.

[Ben]

And she's like this tiny sink. Teeny, tiny sink. Did you notice that?

[Ronnie]

I did not.

[Ben]

It was a whole new renovated kitchen, but the sink itself was a tiny little. It was like a bartender sink.

[Ronnie]

Oh, weird.

[Ben]

It's like a wet bar.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, this is a ranch. Kimberly's like, this is a ranch. I know it's not the type you were looking for, but come on, guys. And Max, like, I'm disappointed with the floor. And from the picks, I wasn't expecting vinyl. It's $250,000. You're lucky there are floors.

[Ben]

It could have just been dirt with some grass sprouts. Hello, madam. Project. This is perfect for you. Change out those floors.

[Ronnie]

Exactly what do you think a project is? Go get some wood and do your floors.

[Ben]

This is how shitty the house is that they are looking at that. This is something that Dane says, well, at least it's level. I'm not tilted. I like that he's grown to get used to being on tilted floors.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, but also this guy, I mean, in the other houses, he's like, wait a minute, the floor is slanting. How come this floor is up here and the other floor is down here? Because he was standing on one with carpet and padding under the carpet. And then the other one was just wood. He's like, wait a minute. This guy.

[Ben]

Can't.

[Ronnie]

Wait a second here on this guy.

[Ben]

So it has three bedrooms. And so the first one is like, all the bedrooms are like these. Like, they basically look like dead end hallways with a bed at the end. Right. They're super narrow. The bed. There's barely any space to get out of the bed. It's really tiny. And then there's no dining space. There's just like an IKEA table Shoved into a corner with two chairs on it. So they're kind of turned off by that. But Kim, she's just like, well, you know what, guys? You can always just take down a wall. I mean, it might be load bearing, but this roof is so small, I don't think it's really gonna even matter what holds it up. Just get a toothpick or something.

[Ronnie]

And then there' not a double sink. And they don't like that. And she goes, yeah, but there's multiple bathrooms. You could each have a bathroom. You know, what are you gonna do? They're like, wow, that's a good idea. So let's see. So then there's this little room. And she goes, does this lead to the backyard? Cause I see the backyard there. She goes, oh, no, that is the backyard.

[Ben]

Cause it's just like this little sliver.

[Ronnie]

Of land outside a window.

[Ben]

It's like a Juliet. It's like the Juliet version of a backyard. Like whatever the equivalent is. This is the best.

[Ronnie]

Kim goes, that is the backyard. But look right over the fence. You could go hiking, biking. And Dan goes, that's the highway.

[Ben]

Fancy the car speeding by through the trees five feet away.

[Ronnie]

That shit was funny. Exactly. You know, you could go hiking, biking, driving, whatever.

[Ben]

Throw yourself into traffic. I see Mac has that intention soon. So then they're in the primary bedroom and they see the ensuite, and Mac is not impressed with the shower. She's like, look at this door. I don't like this door. And so then Kim does that thing when realtors are exasperated. She goes, yeah, but it's better than not having a master bathroom, right? Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Well, great logic, Kim. Great logic. Well, at least you're not dead. Okay, 256. We're gonna go up to 256 for this one.

[Ben]

All right, let's look at the garage. Because apparently that matters for you idiots. So they go to the garage. And it's big. It's a big garage. And there's like one garage is like tall for like a truck or something like that. And this is like everything that Dane would want. Because Dane is actually so obsessed. The garage we actually have kind of undersold how much he want cares about having a good garage for his junk truck. So then he finally has a good garage and he's like, like, yeah, but there's not enough room for a cat tube. I was like, I'm done with you.

[Ronnie]

I'm done.

[Ben]

This is your garage.

[Ronnie]

You are dead to me. And he goes, you know what? And the other Problem. It's not a detached garage. It is a detached garage. By the way, did you notice that.

[Ben]

You'Re going to have a detached wife soon? Okay.

[Ronnie]

It is a detached garage. It's not like a huge space. But he thinks that cat tubes can only work if they're on their way to the garage. I just don't understand where that comes from.

[Ben]

From. I feel like a cat tube really inherently best works if they're connected to different houses in the neighborhood, to be honest. That way cats can visit different houses. Yeah, but going to the garage and.

[Ronnie]

The neighborhood, that's funny.

[Ben]

I mean, assuming you have a neighborhood of lunatics, like a little cat subway. I mean, I'm a cat person. I don't know if I necessarily want a stranger's cat coming through, but I feel like if you're with a community of people all have cats, that'd be a really fun thing to have, you know? Well, no, it's like the same as having a dog park, you know, first.

[Ronnie]

It'S people sending their cats over. Next, they're shoving their babies in there and being like, well, we'll be back, we'll be back. Baby drops out covered in garage soot.

[Ben]

So Kimberly tells us. So this cat tube thing, it's a little left of center. But all I know is that when I come back in my next life, I definitely want to be their cat, which is, I guess, an animal that has given a lot of promises about a structure it will never have. Maybe I'll rethink that.

[Ronnie]

That. So now they go over the houses, and Max, like, no one told me how difficult this is going to be. Wow, so many ugly houses to choose from. So they go over the. The choices, the two story colonial. And he's like, it had carpet. She goes, it was ugly carpet, idiot.

[Ben]

And he goes, plus, it was at the top of a budget. It's your budget, though. So then house two. Love the location. Right next to a dune. That kills people. But, you know, it's weird that the layout just goes into a circle. And I don't know if my brain could ever conceive of ever learning how to go into a circle of four rooms. What will I do?

[Ronnie]

And number three, Gosh, we can't renovate anything. And there's no space for a cat tube. It's like you just described the perfect house. Of course you guys are gonna take this.

[Ben]

So they go for house number one, which I think actually was the best choice. And they moved in their stuff. It looks nice. The cats are having fun on The. On the carpet. And Dane's like, I have cat tube plans. There's the house. And then the tube forms from the house, and those. The cats. Look, here's my plan. He shows, like, a drawing as, like, a child's drawing.

[Ronnie]

He drew a plan of the cat tube. Like, what are you gonna. Who are you gonna show that to? Dane. It's like, okay, he's contracted. Here's what it is. See where the houses is? This is a house, and this is the house, and this is a tube.

[Ben]

This guy's definitely trolling us. This is him trying to be funny on camera, I'm convinced.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, that's a house Hunter's husband for you. Well, that was a fun episode. Thank you for. Oh, sorry.

[Ben]

There was one last thing I did enjoy when they were looking at what to paint the wall, and they're deciding what to paint it, and so he puts up a paint chip against the wall, and it's like, black. She's like, we're not painting the wall black. He goes, it's a dark white. She goes, no, it's not even a paint chip. It's the back of the book.

[Ronnie]

And he goes, but, hey, good ending. I got the fish mailbox.

[Ben]

Oh, God. Okay. I thought this fish mailbox, Ronnie. I thought it was gonna be. I've seen fish mailboxes before where they're kind of like these wooden things, and the mailbox has, like a little. Has like a little, like fins and little mouth or whatever. And they're kind of cute. But his was this, like, monstrosity that looked like a giant bass had actually swallowed a mailbox. It was disc.

[Ronnie]

Oh, my God. Wait a minute. I didn't know what a fish mailbox was. He literally means a fish shaped mailbox. I just looked it up and I'm looking on Google right now. They're giant fish. And you open the door, and the door is their mouth. Come on.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Is that what it is?

[Ben]

That's, like, crazy looking. But I've seen ones that are look normal, and I can't find them on Google images. I'm only getting the hideous ones.

[Ronnie]

How have I never heard of a fish mailbox? This is a thing. There's like, thousands of things.

[Ben]

Like. Yeah, there's a lot of them. And some. Some are, like, really cute. Oh, my God. You know the fish that you hate, the five head fish. Someone made a mailbox out of it.

[Ronnie]

Oh, my God. Come on, guys.

[Ben]

I can't.

[Ronnie]

That shit's hilarious. Well, everybody, you know, thank you for being here. Thank you for suggesting this audience. And also, if you want to suggest, just email us. It's our podcast, namemail.com Also, I don't know why I said that. Like, a bot is gonna find our address, watch whatcrappensmail.com and write Dwell hello in the subject so we can search them. And also, if you're bored, look up fish mailboxes because you'll really be horrified by the state of the world that we live in.

[Ben]

Yeah, yeah, look them up. Thanks, everyone, for being here, and we'll catch you on the next Dwell. Hello. Bye, everyone.