Dwell Hello #322: Firewalking in New Mexico

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #322: Firewalking in New Mexico

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: November 7, 2023

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Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode of Dwell Hello, Ben and Ronnie recap a standout House Hunters episode from season 149, entitled "Firewalking in New Mexico." Their focus: Lori, a self-described shaman, energy healer, and firewalking instructor, who’s house-hunting in Taos, New Mexico for a women’s retreat center. Blending sharp Bravo-inspired snark and pop-culture references, Ben and Ronnie dissect Lori’s spiritual branding, property priorities, and the show’s parade of mystical posturing, all while zeroing in on the absurdities that make House Hunters so delightfully mockable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Introducing Lori—the White Lady Shaman

• [03:32] The recap opens with the introduction of Lori: “energy healer and shaman…on the hunt for a second home just outside of Taos, New Mexico.”
• The hosts immediately call out the cliché:

  “Wow. A white lady appropriating other cultures’ spiritual practices and moving to New Mexico. Congratulations, you’re an original.” (Ben, [03:57])

• They question her authenticity and credentials in a comically aggressive way, emphasizing their intent is not cultural insensitivity, but to lampoon what appears to be opportunistic spiritual branding.

2. Firewalking and Branding Overload

• Lori’s credentials are unpacked via her website and bio:
  • Titles like “Breakthrough Master,” “Energy Healing Practitioner,” “Master Firewalking Instructor,” “Certified Hypnotist,” and “Minister” elicit the hosts’ skepticism.

  “Too many hyphenates. If you’re one thing, I’d be…okay. But too many hyphenates…it means con artist, right?” (Ben, [11:58])

• They compare her hair to TV personalities (e.g., Geraldine Ferraro, Jane Atkinson) and joke about her self-aggrandizing language.
• [08:02] The profession of “master firewalking instructor” is lampooned:

  “It’s probably like a made up profession…I know there’s firewalking in the world…but when we get to certification, I think that’s probably not a real profession.” (Ben)

• Ronnie skewers the privilege of voluntarily burning your feet:

  “You’re lucky to have feet that you can walk on. Stop fucking burning them and thinking you’re some badass. Okay? Be grateful for your feet.” (Ronnie, [08:28])

3. Mocking the ‘Women’s Retreat’ House Hunt

• Lori wants “a home to host women’s retreats”—leading to incessant repetition of “groups of women” and “women gathering.”

  “This is just so great for gatherings and having groups of women here…like, I’ll walk into a Chipotle: This is so great for groups of women and gathering.” (Ben, [04:33])

• Lori’s aversion to humanity (i.e., neighbors) and obsession with privacy and flat firewalking space becomes a running gag:

  “I’ve never had neighbors, and I certainly don’t want to look out and see humanity now.” (Lori, [27:44], as paraphrased by the hosts)

4. Spiritual Nonsense and Pseudo-Indigenous Rituals

• The show starts with Lori blowing into a beer bottle and doing “prayers” invoking the “great serpent” and other groan-inducing mystical mishmash ([11:18]).
• The hosts savage her for performative shaman rituals:

  “Are you making the donuts right now, Lori? Maybe slow it down. Maybe put some emotion into it.” (Ronnie, [11:28])

• They draw Bravo parallels—comparing Lori’s TV shaman act to those they've seen in the Real Housewives universe.

5. Suspect Spiritual Geography

• Lori declares of Taos: “It’s directly across from Tibet, and there’s something special about that.” ([20:12])
• Ben debunks this with an “antipodes map”—finding it leads to the Indian Ocean, not Tibet.

  “Lori, this woman is such…I mean…let me tell you what the antipode is of Taos, New Mexico...middle of the Indian Ocean. The closest thing is Madagascar.” (Ben, [21:24])

6. House Hunting: The Three Options

House 1: The Log Cabin ($1.48M)

• Emphasis on “living logs,” massive windows and a spectacular cliff-side view.
• Hosts point out the impracticality (“you’re taking people with depression for a retreat and putting them on a literal cliff”).
• No flat land for firewalking; Lori still fixates on privacy and log interiors.
• Bathroom is “too much” thematically:

  “Isn’t this funny? It’s a log for a sink, but it’s also a rock…” (Ben, [33:11])

• Features a hot tub and a tacky eagle statue—the eagle will return as a big “reveal.”

House 2: The 44-Acre Ranch ($1.5M)

• Not a “log” house, but boasts acreage, privacy, and an outdoor space perfect for firewalking.
• Hosts like its retreat functionality but critique dated interiors.
• Discussion about a door from Lily’s potential room to the outside—hosts joke she’d “sneak into the forest and get stuck,” highlighting the absurdity.
• The way Lori rejects the huge downstairs master as a shared space for “women’s groups” frustrates and amuses Ben and Ronnie.

House 3: The Six-Bed, Five-Bath Bargain ($925K)

• Not “log” enough, but brimming with bedrooms for actual capacity.
• Lori hates how “close” the neighbors are (there’s still an acre of land).

  “She is the only shaman who does not apparently like human connection.” (Ben, [53:49])

• Hosts suggest it’d be the logical choice for women’s retreats, but Lori is underwhelmed by the style and wallpaper.

7. The Decision & The Eagle Spirit Animal

• Ronnie and Ben mock the “deliberations,” noting none of the houses is “perfect” since Lori will never be pleased.
• Lori ultimately chooses House 1, the log cabin with the eagle statue—citing the eagle as her spirit animal in a surprise (non-)twist ([58:25]).

  “It’s the shape of my spirit animal…[which is] the lyric of a Steve Miller Band song.” (Ben, [58:48])

• The hosts rip the self-indulgence and question the mathematics of three-bedroom retreats (“the math isn’t mathing,” Ronnie, [61:18]).
• Lori gets $70K off the asking price; hosts imagine her “burning Jocelyn with cigarettes” as Plan B for firewalking since there’s nowhere else to do it.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On spiritual grifting:
  “I’m gonna mock it relentlessly…you’re triggered? Too fucking bad. Go meditate about it…this is a bunch of bullshit. This lady charging you for this stuff. I don’t believe in Lori for one damn second.” (Ronnie, [05:24])
• On credential inflation:
  “Lori is a breakthrough master...founder of Breakthrough Coaching International and Breakthrough International Academy and Breakthrough Coaching International Academy...Fun Coaching Coaching…” (Ben/Ronnie, [07:11])
• On firewalking as a spiritual act:
  “Stop having feet privilege. It’s disgusting.” (Ronnie, [08:28])
• On Lori’s attitude toward neighbors:
  “I’ve never had neighbors, and I certainly don’t want to look out and see humanity now.” (paraphrasing Lori, [27:44])
• On the ‘antipode’ of Taos:
  “The closest thing [to Taos on the other side of the world] is Madagascar…So no eagles…Lori’s a liar because she says…it’s the exact opposite of Tibet.” (Ben/Ronnie, [21:24])
• On “log” fixation:
  “I just give me some log in my life.” (Ronnie, [40:11])
• On House 3’s bargain:
  “If you actually cared about the people who are paying for your retreat, you’d actually give them beds.” (Ben, [52:32])
• On decision-making:
  “Nothing has or ever will make Lori happy, so she’s gonna have to settle with what she’s least disappointed by…” (Ben paraphrasing Linda, [56:20])

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Important Timestamps

• [03:52] — Introduction to Lori, her spiritual job titles, and the New Mexico “white shaman” trope
• [05:55-06:14] — Hosts confirm Lori is not indigenous (based on online research)
• [11:18] — Lori’s bottle-blowing, serpent-invoking, ritual performance
• [20:12-21:31] — The Tibet antipode is debunked
• [31:13-34:41] — Tour of House 1, notes on log obsessions, “living logs,” and neighbor-aversion
• [44:23-49:36] — Tour of House 2, focus on acreage and space for firewalking
• [51:00-55:45] — House 3, neighbor concerns, and bargain-basement snark
• [58:25-58:48] — Lori’s final selection and the eagle spirit animal “twist”
• [60:16-61:18] — Hosts doubt Lori’s retreat ambitions and rag on the logistics

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Tone & Style

Ben and Ronnie maintain their signature comic bravado—acidic, theatrical, and wildly referential, with echoes of Bravo housewives drama and campy commentary. Their irreverence leans hard into parody, especially when it comes to “spiritual entrepreneurs” and reality TV’s penchant for self-serious, un-self-aware personalities.

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Conclusion

With a mix of Bravo-fan inside jokes, pop culture riffs, and sharp social commentary, this episode of Dwell Hello delivers a send-up of “spiritual branding,” retreat culture, and the ritualistic absurdities found on House Hunters. Lori’s real estate journey is less a genuine search for sacred space and more a catalyst for the hosts to clown on New Age clichés—especially when housed in a log cabin shaped like an eagle. Whether or not Lori ever hosts that women’s retreat, her journey provided plenty of material—and plenty of laughs—for Ben and Ronnie.

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Transcript

[A]

Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong ding ding ding ding ding dong. Hello. Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Bennuni Bonalooney over there. How you doing, sweet guy?

[B]

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going?

[A]

Good. Welcome to Dwell. Hello, everybody. We are Ronnie Ben from Watch what Happens. Okay. Which you probably already know by now, but this is our House Hunters recap show. Well, hello, bi weekly here on Wondery Plus.

[B]

I know. And we got a fun one today. This one.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

You know, sometimes. You know what's fun when we do these shows is that sometimes the show itself is just kind of dull. But that's what's so funny about it, is that, like, we find all the things to make fun of, but sometimes the episodes just. They just start and you're just already just laughing and you just laugh the whole way through. And this is one of those.

[A]

And this is also a listener suggestion. So thank you so much for giving us these. If you want to suggest something, just shoot it to our email. Watch what happens gmail.com and we can easily scroll it because if you tweet it or something like that, we can't search for it. You know what I mean? And we forget about it.

[B]

So this one we actually did get from Twitter. We actually were Caught this one before it went away.

[A]

Well, that was lucky because I happened to just be in the mood to do notes while I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw that and I was like, good enough. So I. It was my turn to pick this week, so I emailed the title.

[B]

Yeah, and I saw it too, actually. I want to also put this request in that if you have a suggestion, let's standardize the subject in the email. So that way when we look for it, like, we get like a whole list of results because sometimes even though people email us, we do lose it on email, too. So please put. I'm just say this off. This is going to be crazy, Ronnie. I'm off. Off the cuff here. If you have an idea as your suggestion in your subject line, just write Dwell, hello suggestion as your subject.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

And that way we can type in Dwell, hello suggestion. And, like, everyone's results will show up in one place. So that will just. So just a formal. Just to sort of like make it more easier for us to go through recommendations, everyone.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And yeah, we get it.

[A]

You know, searching your email.

[B]

Guys, let me clarify this, okay? When you write an email, there's a subject field.

[A]

Oh, we got email subjects by this point. But yeah, thank you. Because it is. It is hard searching sometimes, just in general. In life, I'm always searching. What have I found, really? Okay, so here we are. House Hunters episode this is season 149, episode 4, and it's called Fire Walking in New Mexico. As usual, we found. Not as usual, but as usual. Search the title in whatever you're watching Firewalking in New Mexico, and it should pop up for you. For me, I watch this on YouTube TV and it's also on, but there you go.

[B]

I did the same thing. I also did it on YouTube TV. So this is a real joy, this episode. So it opens up with our. Our narrator, who we call Linda, saying energy, healer and shaman. Lori is on the hunt for a second home just outside of Taos, New Mexico. Real original.

[A]

Wow. A shaman in New Mexico. What'll be next?

[B]

Wow. A white lady appropriating in other cultures spiritual practices and moving to New Mexico. Congratulations, you're an original.

[A]

What's next? A McDonald's opening up against. Across the street from a Nutrisystem facility. I just never saw it coming.

[B]

Wow. Guess what? Exxon just opened up across from Shell near a highway. What a surprise.

[A]

She hopes to find a home to host women retreats. And Linda's like, I can see myself being so womany here. This is just. So many women are gonna fit in this for my women's retreat of retreating women.

[B]

My God, this is so great for gatherings and having groups of women here, which I feel like I just want to say that any to any place. I'll, like, walk into Chipotle, guys. This is so great for groups of women and gathering. This is a great women gathering space.

[A]

Great place for women to gather. Am I right?

[B]

I want to have groups of women here. We have groups of women.

[A]

The first line of the episode, which is when we knew this was going to be completely looney Tunes. It's the lady, her name is Lori. And it just starts with her going, I just can't get over that we're on an edge of a cliff. We're ready to take off and fly. I was like, daria.

[B]

Not many houses do that. But I applaud the effort. You just know she's going to be.

[A]

A fucking looney Tune.

[B]

She's sitting in her armchair, pressing her foot on the gas. Like, when is this house gonna take.

[A]

Off if anybody is triggered? Because we're gonna be making fun of this supposed, like, shaman, which, first of all, no, I think that's appropriation, A and B, I'm gonna mock it relentlessly and you're taking. You're triggered. Too fucking bad. Okay, Go fucking meditate about it. That's what I have to say to you. This is a bunch of bullshit. This lady charging you for this stuff. I don't believe in Lori for one damn second.

[B]

Okay, well, I got nervous. I was like. Because I know we're gonna make fun of this lady who this, like, this white lady being a shaman and everything I said. But you know what, though? If she's like, indigenous and, you know, this is, like part of her culture and we're making fun of it, that's really fucked up. So let me try to do some research. And I have done some research. I found her bio, I found her website. As far as I can tell, I'm pretty sure she's just a white lady.

[A]

So this is just a white lady. Okay.

[B]

Okay. And so if I'm. If, by the way, if we're wrong, if it turns out she's not just a white lady and that, like, we like this. The intent is not to make fun of her culture. The intent is to make fun of what we. What seems to us, based on our research, is a white lady appropriating a culture.

[A]

Yes. Breakthrough Coaching International with Lori Hudspeth, CEO, speaker and coach. And is it a coincidence that she has somewhat Captain Sambi hair? She has kind of the length, maybe with some curls when she's about to do an event. Okay.

[B]

It's also not unlike maybe some, like, Geraldine Ferraro hair. I'm just getting a taste of that.

[A]

A little.

[B]

A little wisp of that, you know. Oh, you know what she has. She has Jane Atkinson hair.

[A]

Oh, that's.

[B]

Jane Atkinson is. Of course. I really encourage people to look up Jane Atkinson. She has Jane Atkinson hair for sure.

[A]

Well, I can tell you this much. She really loves saying breakthrough master. Capitalized both words. Breakthrough master. Lori Hudspeth is a breakthrough master that your company and organization needs to see true transformation. Lori is a highly sought after speaker, seminar facilitator, and coach. She's a founder of Breakthrough Coaching International and Breakthrough International Academy. Breakthrough Coaching International Academy.

[B]

Oh, by the way, Fun Coaching Coaching.

[A]

Breakthrough International. Breakthrough Academies of Breakthrough Coaching Gathering women.

[B]

Fun fact. The Kool Aid guy used to just walk up to walls and then just turn around before he met Lori. Now guess what feels right through that wall. Because it's a breakthrough. Also, Lori is one of less than 10 master firewalking instructors in the world.

[A]

You know why? Hurts. Okay.

[B]

Probably like a made up. It's a. It's probably like a made up profession. I know that there is firewalking in the world and I know that it's probably. It comes from probably certain. But I'm sure in the world of like actual instructors who are certified when, in terms of when we get to certification, I think that's probably not a real profession. Maybe a tradition, but not a profession.

[A]

Yeah, I'm looking it up and it is people. It is what I thought. The people walking on the hot coals and stuff. You know what? I think there's a certain privilege in that. And here's what I say is your spiritual healer, everybody. Okay? You're lucky to have feet that you can walk on. Stop fucking burning them and thinking you're some badass. Okay? Stop. Be grateful for your feet. Stop having feet privilege. It's disgusting.

[B]

They used to do it on every season of Survivor. They used to make people walk over coals and then they just stopped because I think they realized. I think this is losing its appeal. So she conducts. She regularly conducts breakthrough fireworks seminars, firewalk seminars and retreats and workshops around the world to help people identify what is holding them back in life. Maybe what's holding the back in life is a fear that someone's gonna make them walk on hot coals.

[A]

Guys. She can help you break through old patterns that no longer serve you and boldly move forward with purpose and clarity through fire. Here's my purpose and clarity for you. Get a job. Okay, so let's get started with this. So Linda is very. She's like excited to be womany. And Laurie is. Laurie is. And Linda. There's Linda the narrator and Lori the lady. And so Linda the narrator is like. But she might have to sacrifice some things to make her dream come true. Let's hope it's her daughter who has terrible bangs. Spoiler alert.

[B]

She may have to sell her Melissa Etheridge collection to fund this giant house.

[A]

So Lori. Then we see a clip of Lori going, what is the neighbor? They have a good view of me from this deck. Oh, imagine how they feel. Lori.

[B]

I know, with your fire walking.

[A]

P.S. i wish I was the neighbor so I could call the fire department every time you try that shit in my backyard.

[B]

But it's also my favorite running thing in this episode. Here's Laurie. She is one with nature. She's like, here to help humans. She's here to help your soul. Energy, healing, you know, get to the soul of humanity. Is that another person? Is that a neighbor?

[A]

I will not be my neighbors. I've never.

[B]

I will not be in My life, not in my backyard. I was like, of course. It's like, you're not gonna be around humans.

[A]

So I think that this is gonna be like a bunch of ladies just, you know, pulling off their tops and like, screaming to the windows or something at sunset. So she's like, we don't need to jerking off on us over there.

[B]

It's gonna be, yeah, just like naked ladies rubbing mud on each other's back. Just like everything you've seen in movies about women's retreats, which, by the way, fully support it as a practice. But I think Laurie's gonna just do like, the hackiest version of all time.

[A]

Yeah. So we know because the way this is how we get the ding dong opening. And then we start with Laurie blowing into a glass bottle.

[B]

She found like an old, like, it's like coca bottle, Corona bottle. She's like.

[A]

And then she sounds like somebody who's just been shamaning at the office every fucking day and is so over. She's like, to the winds of the south, great serpent Sakara Sam, come and wrap of light around us. Teach us the beauty away. Oh, and then she starts rattling something at the sky. I can't with her. And it's just like, have you just. Are you making the donuts right now, Laurie? Can I get. Maybe slow it down? Maybe put some emotion into it, you know?

[B]

We are Bravo watchers, which means that we've seen a lot of shamans on our television because they love seeing a shaman. We of course, watched Dallas, where we met Shaman, who also, it was a hairstylist and would do Stephanie's highlights. And on his free time, he would work as a shaman. So I kind of thought that was going to be the nadir of sham, like TV shamans. But then we've hear now we have Lori, who's doing this thing blowing into a bottle she found on the side of the road saying, such a mama. Great serpent in the sky. I'm like, I just could tell this lady is a fraud. And in fact, on her website, she talks about how she's a master firewalking instructor, energy healing practitioner, life coach, certified hypnotist and minister, which means that con artist, right? Like, too many hyphenates. If you're one thing, I'd be. It's okay. But too many hyphenates. But also she. It says on her bio, which I thought was funny. Laurie. And her work has been featured on ABC and more recently on House Hunters. I'm like, okay, ABC is one thing, because it's like you're being profiled for the good work you do, but being on House Hunters as like, as some sort of like, backup for. Not backup, but like, proof that you are doing great Shamanism, that's a stretch.

[A]

Well, ABC is pretty broad too. Like, there's no show on abc. Is it like ABC tile? Is it the Alphabet? What are you talking about? Prove it.

[B]

It's more like. More like local. ABC7 in Nashville and there was a report about a car accident and Laura's like, well, I was just walking, trying to stay away from neighbors, and I saw this car swerving into another lane and it was crazy. She's like, I've been featured on ABC, featured on ABC.

[A]

I've already done this prayer like 19 times on TV. So here I go. Great. Serpent in the sky. Also I wonder what she's a minister of, because serpent in, like, religion, most religions, like Adam and Eve, they were tempted by the serpent, you know, so that's not great. The serpent is the devil. So I don't love praying to the serpent in the sky. Now I probably should back that up because I don't really know where that comes from. I'm probably offending somebody somewhere with that. But I'm just. I'm just saying satanic. I'm just saying Lori is really a Satan worshiper. There you go. This is all a cover. I'm just saying I don't want to get in trouble. Lori worship Satan.

[B]

So, yeah, she loves the. The serpent in the sky.

[A]

So.

[B]

Tells us I'm what?

[A]

Lori Monologue. Hit it, Ben.

[B]

Oh, okay. I'm Lori. I'm a shaman and I do energy healing. Healing. I also am a master firewalk walker instructor and I lead women's empowerment retreats around the country. I've been doing retreats for 11 years now. A woman's retreat is about healing. And some of the breakthrough activities we do, we break through boards, which is funny because a lot of times some of our women hurt their wrists doing that. So we have to do like literal healing. So I've got band aids.

[A]

We also do breath work. We also walk on fire. And my secret talent is throwing my farts. So it always smells like somebody else did it. So that's pretty cool. I try and teach people that whenever I can. Laurie, who has custody of her daughter, lives on an 80 acre farm south of Tennessee. But she's also dreamed of owning a second home out west.

[B]

So now we see. This is my favorite. Now Laurie's walking around with a woman in a turquoise scarf and Laurie says, I'm so excited to be here and in this amazing energy and to be looking for a house and Taos. That rhymes. Oh, my God. That's like shaman from llama that's going in somewhere. So she.

[A]

Well, the west has been calling me since I was a little girl. Really? The west, just generally. The west has been calling you. I love being in the mountains. I love being outside, and it's time for me to have that experience. And women's retreats with women, gathering at retreats with women.

[B]

So then she said, I'm sorry, this is my favorite part. So she. Linda says Laurie's friend and fellow shaman, Jocelyn has traveled from Pennsylvania to help Lori in her search. I just love that there's, like, Jocelyn from Pennsylvania. The other shaman shows up, and she's the one wearing this, like, scarf. Like, who's. Who's seeing Jocelyn in Pennsylvania for their shaman needs. That's what I want to know.

[A]

You know, There's a shaman for everybody. There's a shaman. They found each other on shaman Twitter. I don't even know how they met, but it's cute that they found each other, you know?

[B]

Okay, shaman. What is that? That's where you go for shaman dating.

[A]

Okay, shaman. Plenty of shamans in the sea, so that can. Does that tell you how long it's been since I've online dated? Is that still a thing? Plenty of fish.

[B]

I have no idea. I've also been off. Off those sites. Okay. Cupid's still around.

[A]

Okay, well, I don't know, Lori. Laurie says Jocelyn is here because no one knows me better. Am I right? Am I right, Jo? And she's like, yeah. Lori is like dynamite. You know, small things that are powerful. Wait a minute. Did you just fart? He said small but powerful. Silent but deadly. Am I right, Joss? She's like, yeah. And not only is Lori a fire walker, she's a firecracker.

[B]

Well, she dynamite or is she a firecracker? Come on, Jocelyn. Get your metaphors together.

[A]

One will kill a city or at least a building, and one won't. Okay, Come on, Jocelyn.

[B]

One will just destroy your NFL career while she's.

[A]

While she's working with fire. Can she take it to your eyebrows? Because you need some help.

[B]

I know. She has one eyebrow that is just, like, up here by her hairline and one that's, like, down by her cheek. Hi, I'm Jocelyn. I live in Scranton, and I'm a shaman.

[A]

We've learned in this episode that there are shamans in Pennsylvania. Are there eyebrow people?

[B]

Are you related to mayor of Easttown murder Durdur. I don't remember how to do that accent anymore. I'm sad.

[A]

So they're walking around. They are big walkers on this one. They don't drive. And most of the episodes we've been watching, they're always driving somewhere or talking in a restaurant. But this one, they're just, like. Always walk randomly in Taos through, like, a forest, you know? How did you get here?

[B]

I wrote an eagle, so my spirit animal. So Jocelyn says, you know, Taos. You know, I considered. You know, Taos is considered the land of enchantment. I'm like, is that. I thought that was all of New Mexico, by the way. I mean, that's on the license plate, right? So, by the way, also, Jocelyn, congratulations for cribbing the license plate slogan to try to be spiritual. Okay.

[A]

Isn't that Disneyland?

[B]

No, Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Land of enchantment is New Mexico.

[A]

Okay, let's see.

[B]

New Mexico slogan. Watch Mexico slogan.

[A]

I might as well be New Mexican. Okay. I'm from El Paso, and my first driver's license was when I was 15 in New Mexico because they let you get your. Well, they used to let you get your driver's license at 15. So I'm basically a native. You're. It's.

[B]

You know, why Land of Enchantment?

[A]

I mean, I'm still enchanted.

[B]

It's just an enchanting. He's just an enchanting driver.

[A]

So they're walking around, and Lori's like, everything here in Taos is art. The buildings, the town, the house, and house. It's all unique. And Jocelyn's like, yeah, land of Enchantment. That's what we do. So. Oh, and then Lori tells us is directly across from Tibet, and there's something special about that. Now. What does that mean? Like, across from Tibet?

[B]

I think that, like, if you. If you drilled a hole from Taos just went into the ground, it would come out again on. On Tibet, which I actually would really like. I feel like there's a website that's, like, what is on the opposite side of the world from you? There is a website. Okay, hold on. I'm gonna type it in. Popular Mechanics. There's gotta be. Okay. It's probably big and blue.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The ocean. Wait, I want to see. I just feel like this is bullshit now. Now I feel like, okay, why do you feel I'll do this? Because it's Lori. What is the opposite?

[A]

You're just not gonna believe anything Lori says, no matter What?

[B]

Okay, antipodes map. Tunnel to the other side of the world. Okay, your location. Okay, I'm gonna type it in. I'm typing in my location. Okay. Taos, New Mexico.

[A]

Okay, hurry.

[B]

It's the ocean. Like, hurry. Look, she is like, Lori. I mean, this woman is such. Let me tell you what the antipode is of Taos, New Mexico.

[A]

Okay, what is that?

[B]

It's in the middle of the Indian Ocean. The closest thing is Madagascar.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Okay, it says, incredible. There's no one around. You just fish.

[A]

Wow. So no eagles. Because she loves an eagle. Lori. We find out. That's the big spoiler alert. That's the big twist, that she loves eagles. We don't know that. I guess I just gave away everything. But, yeah, that's Lori for you. So Lori's a liar because she says.

[B]

She just fully lies. She says it's the exact opposite of Tibet.

[A]

Well, maybe she just doesn't believe in Googling things because it's not spiritual enough, but she does have a website, so we can't give her that. Well, damn it, Lori, I didn't see you as a liar, but now I do.

[B]

Well, maybe. You know what, though? Maybe latitudinally, it's. It's opposite from Tibet because that's probably.

[A]

What it is across from Tibet. So I don't know.

[B]

You know what? Maybe I'm gonna give her space. I'm gonna say that maybe latitude. Latitude.

[A]

You know what? You're coming really hard, and I really need you to retreat, okay?

[B]

I need to get off this point. It's. This is the opposite of the land of enchantment. This is the land of need to move on.

[A]

Okay, so the narrator's like, oh, sorry. Laura's like, yeah, it's directly across from Tibet, and there's something special. And Jocelyn says, yeah, so the monks come here every year to bless it and do Coke with Shirley MacLaine. She's in Santa Fe. Jolyn. Sorry, Lori. I'm so sorry, Lori. You know, Jocelyn is terrified of Lori. Every time Jocelyn says anything, Lori just looks at her, smiling, like, you better say it right. She's not just a fire walker. She's a firecracker. Breakthrough mastery.

[B]

Jocelyn's like, hey, do you know if there's a Wawa here in Taos? Sorry, I need to take a shaman sandwich, please. So Linda's like, Laurie has narrowed her search to the nearby community of Angelfire because she's very, very literal and is a fire walker.

[A]

She wants to set angels on fire and then walk on Them. So Lori's like, it's an amazing community. The only traffic here is an Elkhart crossing the street. Look, literally. And they show an Alcord crossing the. The road or whatever. And she's like, wow, let's look at the Internet. Jocelyn. This is crazy. Jocelyn, look what I found here on the Internet.

[B]

Yeah. She starts doing like searching for homes and she starts like she's acting for the camera so much as. Wow, a search result. Oh my God. And look, I just did some research on Tibet. Amazing. What a plateau. So Linda says after receiving. I'm sorry, after recently receiving an inheritance, how with the success of her business, lol, Laurie has come up with a budget of. I'm sorry, let me read this correctly. $1.5 million. She's a shaman who has $1.5 million to spend everyone.

[A]

That's what we called no shaman. So how much does a shaman charge? That's crazy. And by the way, just advice to everybody who's listening. Jesus is free.

[B]

Okay, I also would like to know about this inheritance because I feel like there's a backstory there.

[A]

Inheritance with it. No. What inheritance? She said with the success of her business, Lori has decided.

[B]

No, she says after recently receiving an inherent inheritance and the success of her business. Which means that this is an inherent. She either killed somebody or she is just like the classic like daughter of a very wealthy person.

[A]

I think that she like shaman some rich old people and sweet talked them until they made her the will. What do you call it? The will beneficiary. And then Laurie's like, we're gonna try fire walking today, Cleo. And then just leaves her in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, or.

[B]

Yeah, it's either that or like it's you know, like the Bronzeman daughters. Daughters who are like all caught up in Nexium.

[A]

Remember they're like the like, oh yeah.

[B]

Heirs to a huge. All this money, they get sucked up into a cult and they start. Are all into it. Like I can also see Lori being someone who's like father owned. Like there's a bridge named after her father in Pittsburgh somewhere. And like there's like music halls. She's basically a Carnegie. I've decided she's a Carnegie. And she's just like, there's the, the strange cousin and sister or whatever who just got like this inheritance. So it's either that or she murdered someone or both or both.

[A]

So she's like, you know, this one's too modern. I want something more rustic. And she tells us, I've always wanted a Log house. It's my dream. You know why? Because logs are alive. They're a living, breathing tree. For sake. Just make a house out of Jocelyn. I mean, Jesus.

[B]

Also, you know what logs are? Logs are living, breathing trees that someone chopped down and killed and turned into logs. Those are corpses. They are not alive. They are literally the living tree are.

[A]

Dismembered and suffocated with polyurethane.

[B]

So, listen, I know you got your shaman degree from Twin Peaks University, okay? But logs do not speak to us, okay? And it is literally the most visual representation of a tree corpse there could be.

[A]

And Jocelyn's like, you know what's going to fit her best? A cabin. I just said I liked cabins, Jocelyn. I know. That's why I'm saying. But you don't have to repeat it. Okay, well, it would be great for her. And when she looks outside, if she has a cabin, she can feel one with the cabin, because outside there's trees, but also inside there's going to be trees because there's. Everything's gonna be made out of vlogs. We know what a log cabin is, Jocelyn.

[B]

Okay, hold on, Lori. I've got a FaceTime sesh with the Phillies mascot. Okay, Sorry. I just have to do a little bit of healing over there in Pennsylvania. Hi, Mr. Fanatic. It's Jocelyn, by the way. I just want everyone to know I fully acted that out for Ronnie on camera. And Ronnie's the only one who could see what I just did. I have to remember, no one's watching.

[A]

So the narrator tells Lind she's so used to acreage, she wants the same thing here that she has in Nashville. Well, good luck. So Lori's like, I've never had neighbors, and I certainly don't want to look out and see humanity now.

[B]

I just love this antisocial shaman, all about spirituality, but doesn't want to see people. So then Linda's like, she's also would like a yard that's flat for firewalking, because that's her priority. Yeah, I'll just let that sink in for everyone.

[A]

She wants big outdoor entertaining to take women's groups out, a stone fireplace to have women groups around, and stone and wood without Jocelyn there. And Jocelyn's like, oh, I want to have an open kitchen. That would be great. You're not living here, Jocelyn. Well, but still, I am going to be the one probably cooking, so that would be great.

[B]

She's like, my experience has been that when I go to Laurie's house, she traps me in a closet. With a. With a hot plate. So an open kitchen would really be much nicer for me. And then Lori goes, a kitchen. A kitchen. Lori says. She just says a kitchen. As if, like, even the idea of a kitchen is a strange request. It's like, yeah, I get you. That's pretty standard in a house.

[A]

So Lori tells us a bath is very big on her list because she needs a shaman's bath. Okay? That's when you soak and you help your energy field, and that's a way to release heavy energy, and she needs that. You know what else? That's called a bath.

[B]

It's just a bath.

[A]

It's like literally everybody takes a bath to relax. Okay? It's a bath. Lori.

[B]

I'm sure there's such a thing as a shaman shower, too.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Even like a shaman deodorant or, like.

[A]

You know, I just need a shaman Kia.

[B]

So Linda says rounding out Lori's ridiculous wish list is plenty of bedrooms to host retreats and as well as a dedicated room for her daughter Lily. By the way, nice of her to bring Lily along for this house hunt.

[A]

No kidding. She's like, this means so much to Lily. Which is why she's getting zero input. Okay.

[B]

We carved out a little bed out of a log. And Lily. That'll just be Lily's room.

[A]

And she's like, it's important for Lily to feel welcome, but also to have rooms for four different bunk beds for women's retreat. She's kind of laughing.

[B]

So now we see Jocelyn and Lori walk up to this house, and Lori, that's a big log cabin. Like a fancy log cabin, you know? And Lori's like, look at this. It's in a forest. And Jocelyn's like, and look at those mountains. I said, look at the forest, Jocelyn, not the mountains.

[A]

So house number one is a funky, like, multi slanted roof type place. I mean, Taos does look like a gorgeous place.

[B]

It looked.

[A]

Yeah, this is a really cool house. And the realtor is named Lisa, which I can't with this. Lori, Lisa, and Linda. Come on, guys, give us a break.

[B]

I mean, admittedly, one of those people is fictional, but still, come on, let's.

[A]

Face it, so is Lori.

[B]

So Lisa, by the way, Lisa is probably one of the least charismatic realtors we've ever seen on this show.

[A]

True, like, hippie Taos. Like, hi, welcome. You're gonna absolutely love this place. I found three bedrooms, two baths, and it's a little bit under your budget at 1.48 million.

[B]

I think this house has so Much to offer to Lori because she's looking for retreats and respite for women, and this house has everything to do that. So they walk in.

[A]

Did you see the artsy iron wicker chimney on the outside? It's like.

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, when they take iron thin rods and they melt, they weld them all together in different shapes and stuff. Is that supposed to help with smoke? What. What happens to the smoke? It's all holes.

[B]

Well, the smoke's gonna have to go onto a smoke retreat with women. So they walk in. It's. It's a very cool house. Like, it's not, like, my style, but I. I appreciate that. This is a really cool, like, upscale log cabin. It's, like, beautiful, like, but it feels like a place you go for, like, an Airbnb or something. Big, like, big chunky logs, huge windows.

[A]

Those windows.

[B]

Lots of flagstones. You know what it smells like in there? Like, it's. It's a nice house.

[A]

Yeah, it's really, really beautiful. Stone. The stone floors, fireplaces. I mean, these are really, really great. And Lisa's like, this is just what you wanted. Am I right? And she's like, oh, my God. You know what? This is perfect for having women here.

[B]

Look at all these living logs. Am I right?

[A]

Hi, everybody. Hi, everybody. Talking to the logs. Hey, guys. High five.

[B]

They're just. They're just alive with log loves.

[A]

Lisa, could you. Lisa, Lori? Lisa. Lisa, could you please check on something for me? Can you make sure that the living logs are female? Because I really. I'm gonna need some women logs. Okay.

[B]

Speaking of logs, here's a bathroom. And so I think actually this bathroom annoyed me because, like, the sink is literally like a tree stump. And then they put, like, a stone. It's like one of these. It's, like, a little bit too much. Like, isn't this funny? It's a. It's. We're in a log cabin, and the sink is like a log, but it's also a rock. I'm like, okay, give me a proper sink.

[A]

Yeah, they really, really stick with the theme over here, you know, this is definitely someone who's like, we're doing a log cabin in Taos. Make it loggy. Yeah.

[B]

And then there's a stone fireplace. So Lori loved that she has a stone fireplace. It's exactly what I wanted because she's all about the stone and wood together. She's like, this is a. This is great. And you know what? I can really imagine having groups of women here.

[A]

She just keeps saying it.

[B]

It's so funny. Just keep saying groups of women.

[A]

So we see the kitchen and they've done the backsplash. It's like custom backsplash that they've cut into the shape of, like the desert, mountains and stuff. It's very much like an airport in a New Mexican town. You know, where they're like, we have mountains here. Put them everywhere.

[B]

Yeah. And Jocelyn's like, this is perfect for you because it's not too big and everything is like perfectly done and open. Please don't lock me in the closet again. Lori, please. I want to participate.

[A]

It's not too small. I can participate with the women who are gathered. I cook for you night and day. Lori, please. And Laurie's like, so how much do you think it would be to put a wall in here with a door that locks?

[B]

So now they go out to this, like, this big, beautiful deck that just looks out over this enormous vista. And Laurie's like, look at that view. This is this view. You know, the only thing that's better than this view, Groups of women. And we're on the edge of the cliff. We are ready to take off. Just like I said in the beginning.

[A]

You know where it's really good to take super depressed people who need to get away from the edge of a cliff. Okay. You know, and then I'm gonna throw them into a fire. And then we're visiting all of the knife stores in town. Like, come on, Lori. Jesus.

[B]

So Laurie's like. She's like, is that a neighbor? Do I see a neighbor? Oh, my God. Well, they have a pretty good view of me. And it's like what you said earlier. You think that they want. Do you think these people who have been living this beautiful, this beautiful view want to look to their left and see you?

[A]

Laurie, no one wants to look next door and see the lady who runs retreats, you know, from her house, out of her house, like a home business.

[B]

Banging a drum over people's bodies.

[A]

So she goes, you know what? There's no place for fire walking because it's a forest. It's all a forest. Which is hilarious. It's fire walking. And that's a huge part of my empowerment retreats. It requires space away from trees with a nice flat area. What are you doing? Here's what you do. Here's what you do.

[B]

Get a hot water bottle, put it over, Put a towel over it and have people walk over it.

[A]

Okay. Get one of those above ground pools just pouring up.

[B]

Here's what you do. Turn on your oven, turn on Your stove. Have Jocelyn hoist up a lady and put her foot on. On the element. Okay.

[A]

So we see that there's a hot tub outside, and then there's this, like, big eagle statue right by the hot tub.

[B]

It's such a. A really tacky eagle statue, by the way. It's like the sort of thing. Like, I remember one time we went to a mall in Houston and that we just went into some shop that had all this, like, Americana junk in there. It was just all so hideous. It's like, that's where the statue came from.

[A]

Yeah. And Lisa's like, yeah, the eagle was the inspiration for this house. If you look at it, the house is shaped like an eagle.

[B]

It's literally Don Henley. Actually, it's an eagle.

[A]

I'm always like, oh, my God. Amazing. I hope it's a woman eagle. God, I hope that likes to retreat. Women's retreat.

[B]

Oh, God. I just looked at the Jocelyn of eagles. Okay, let's put it in a cage and send it to the zoo.

[A]

So now they look at the primary bedroom, and they're like, you still have to go. There's still windows that you can look up to that view. It's the same view. And there's a big, huge shower. And Laurie goes, wow, nice shower. Wait a minute. Where's the bathtub? Is the bathtub around here? Where is it in here? Is it in the closet? Wait, hold on. Is it behind this refrigerator in the bathroom? In the kitchen?

[B]

Is it hiding from Jocelyn's brows? That happens.

[A]

Has the bathtub tasted Jocelyn's beet salad? Is it hiding from Jocelyn?

[B]

She's like, well, I need it. I need to take my shaman baths, okay? It's very important that I take my shaman bath, okay? I like to clear my energy. You know, she's used the shaman bath excuse so many times in life. Like, hey, Lori, are you coming to the dinner tonight? You know what? I have to take a shaman bath. Sorry, my energy's really bad.

[A]

Yeah, I gotta get to my shaman bath. And Lisa's like, but there's a hot tub here. She goes, yeah, but I don't sit in my. I don't sit in my energy in the hot tub. Come on. No one wants an unbath.

[B]

It's called an energy. It's called a shaman's bath, not a shaman's jacuzzi. I mean, come on, Jocelyn, keep up.

[A]

So now they go upstairs, and there's a special feature for Lily. It's a hidden door behind a bookcase. By the way, if I'm a burglar. I'm pulling on every bookcase I see because that's the most obvious hidden door of all time. Put it behind, like a. A pan, you know.

[B]

Behind the pan.

[A]

A very small door, but still, I don't know.

[B]

Those secret rooms scare me. I just have visions of people getting trapped in there.

[A]

When.

[B]

When search parties go to find them, they can't. They don't realize there's a secret room, and then they're just like. They just die in there. So, yeah, I'm not into them. You have to have an escape hatch, you know? But I did love Panic Room. It's a great movie.

[A]

Oh, God. You know what? Yeah. Let's just take a moment to say, no matter what you think of shamans or whatever's happening here today, let's just all take a moment to be grateful for Jodie Foster. God, what a gift.

[B]

At a young Kristen Stewart and Dwight Yoakum.

[A]

What a gift. Thank you, everybody. Okay, so downstairs, half bath, lily room. Okay, so, yeah, they have. I don't know. I don't. I'm lost now, because I'm thinking about now, Lord. Like, I wonder if Jody Foster.

[B]

You were turning actually into a shaman chant at that point. Half bath, logs.

[A]

I'm like, jody Foster.

[B]

God. Lori wishes. She's like, oh, I got a big get.

[A]

Got.

[B]

Got a Jody Foster group.

[A]

If. If Laurie shifted her thinking over to worshiping Jodie Foster in the sky, I'd be in. I'd be like, sign me up.

[B]

Yeah. So Laurie is telling Lisa, you know, I love the log. She keeps on saying, just the log. I love the log. She just speaks about logs collecting also. I love the log here. I love the log. The log style. It's, you know, it's what I've wanted my whole life. I remember being three years old while everyone was getting toys. You know what I said? I want log. I just give me some log in my life.

[A]

And Lisa's like, yeah, what about that open floor plan, Jocelyn? Like that. God damn it.

[B]

But there's no tub. And, hello, I'm a shaman. I'm not a regular, so I need the shaman bath. And this is like. Well, I know we missed the mark here on the acreage, which would be fine for literally any other human on this planet, but apparently not good enough for you. The shaman.

[A]

I have to tell you this. This is like a weird break in Dwell. Hello. Because we were talking about this on one of our other recaps today. I'm in an Airbnb right now. He's Vacuuming again.

[B]

He is, yes.

[A]

This has been literally four shaman.

[B]

Maybe he's a shaman, and this is his way of communing with the spirits.

[A]

Okay, so let's see. She wants a log, guys. She wants, like, log style. So.

[B]

And she says she doesn't like that the neighbors are close. But she also says, you know, I love being outside, and I love taking our groups outside. And being in the forest is going to limit what we do. How are you going to talk about how you love how the logs are alive and yet you don't want to be in the forest? You're like, I want to take the women outside. I was like, what part of being in In a forest is, like, not being outside? That's, like, perfect for shaman stuff.

[A]

Yeah. So she's like, you know, I like how she kind of is rude, too. You know, she's like. You can tell she gets real kareny because she's like, yeah, I mean, I love being outside with our fire groups. The forest limits what I do. I need more space. Now, these were some of the things that are real deal breakers for me, Lisa. And you knew that. Lisa's like, sorry, you knew that. She doesn't literally say, you knew that, but she says it in that tone. Right. These were literally deal breakers for me. Lisa.

[B]

Hello. I am like a spiritual leader in this community, soon to be, and, like, you need to treat me with respect. So now we cut to Laurie at a store with Jocelyn. And Lori's trying on a scarf. And she. And Jocelyn's like, I love that this scarf has all four directions on it. Lori's like, you're gonna have to try a lot harder, Jocelyn, to kiss my ass than that. Four directions, my ass.

[A]

Doesn't every scarf have four directions on it? I mean, there's squares.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

It's what makes a scarf a scarf. It has corners. I guess that would be more of infinity ones.

[A]

Yeah. So Lori hosts women retreats. We know, Linda. Okay. We know.

[B]

Sorry. I was just telling my fellow narrator on the million dollar lottery show, just because this woman's so ridiculous.

[A]

Oh, gosh. So Lori's like, they're walking again. Because they walk everywhere. They go here. And Laurie. Which is obviously not believable. I'm just wondering why they're not showing their vehicle. It's making me crazy. I don't know why. So they walk up to the house, and Laurie's like, oh, my God, look, it's not log.

[B]

She did it again. She referred to log as a genre in a casual. You're too. You're overly familiar with log. It's not log.

[A]

I mean, at least. Okay, can I at least get a modern log? I mean, something.

[B]

By the way, you said, why don't we see the car? Because Laurie is the friend who says, like, Laurie and Jocelyn are staying downtown Taos, probably in a hotel. And Laurie says, oh, we don't need to take a car. We can walk there. It's a quick walk. And then they get there three hours later and Jocelyn, her eye, one of her eyebrows has fallen off at this point.

[A]

I don't know that that's a really walkable town. But yeah, I do like the image of Jocelyn showing up, just completely missing an eyebrow.

[B]

Finally, she's run ragged by Lori. You know that in the entire walk, Lori's like, oh, look at that one. That's log. I like that. That's log.

[A]

That's a log right there.

[B]

That's log. That's not log. I don't like that.

[A]

That's not log. So no, it's not log. But there is stone. So this is a big place. It's stucco on the top and, and stone on the bottom. And Lisa's like, hi, guys, welcome here. I have a really great house to show you today. We've got a really great ranch. Three bedrooms, three and a half baths, 3200 squid square feet. 44 acres. Oh my God. Who lives 44 acres? Jealous.

[B]

44 acres. And Laura tells us, I'm excited to see this house. Even though it's not a log style house. I love the setting and I love the views up here. I'm like, it's got 44 acres. And then Laurie walks in and she goes, look, it's wood and stone. Exactly the style I'm looking for. I'm like, you're in a ski town and you're surprised to find wood and stone.

[A]

Even the Walmart is like that here. So Lori, let's see. So they, they look at this house. In the entry, there's these stairs going straight down. I don't love that. I don't love this one as much. It's a little more dated. It's still cool. Like it's still above it.

[B]

It's a cool house.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

Remember what it looks like? I'm blanking because I remember the first and the third. Why am I blanking on this one though? This one was, this one was nice though. The act. Oh, I remember it now. This one was really nice, actually.

[A]

Similar in that it has dated giant, like floor to ceiling. You Know, it's got the triangular slope, and it's got the floor to ceiling windows. You know, kind of like the 70s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Modern architecture. It's. It's really neat. I mean, I think it's really pretty, but it's a little dated.

[B]

It is. I felt like actually all the houses were a bit date. Well, especially the third one. I even thought the. The log cabin felt a little dated, like some of the showers and stuff. But maybe this was also filmed. This was season 143. So that was probably like, 1997, because they've done 5,000 seasons. Oh, yeah. But it did look. It did look a little dated. I agree. So they come in, it's got a great view. There's no neighbors, obviously. The kitchen was great. The kitchen was so tall. The ceiling was, like, massively tall in the kitchen. It was just like. It was like a. A beautiful. Not beautiful, but it had the feeling of going on, like, a ski vacation and staying in some lovely rental, you know? But I can't imagine living in it. But it was nice.

[A]

And there is a big bathtub here. So she likes that. And they go, look at the main room. And she's like, well, this room. Lisa's like, this. This could be a room for Lily. Laurie goes with the door that goes out on the deck. I mean, what are you doing here? She's too young. What, is she gonna walk to a bar? Just.

[B]

Maybe she's afraid of intruders or something. How about this? Lock the door and take the key.

[A]

Well, I took it because when my sister was looking, she's always like, my kids can't sleep right by the front door. They're gonna be teenagers. Like, they'll be out of there, which I kind of get. But I just like the idea of a young kid sneaking out and just being stuck in the middle of the forest. Like, you really showed them. They're gonna walk, like, 10 hours to get to the liquor store.

[B]

You know, Also, like, I hate to break it to you, if you put Lily in a room that doesn't have a door to the outside, if she wanted to break free, she probably knows how to get to the front door. I'm just gonna put that up there. She understands hallways.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe you're right that it's, like, closer to intruders or stuff. I don't know. Why am I taking this?

[B]

They can just. But also, they can just lock the door.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just feel like. It just felt like you're on 44 acres, so you're pretty secluded.

[A]

Yeah. So let's See? So we see the view. And Jocelyn's like, wow, that's perfect for a firewalk, isn't it, Lori? Perfect.

[B]

And so then they go downstairs, and there's like this big living space. It's almost like another apartment down there or something. But it's actually supposed to be the primary bedroom. And Lori is like, by the way, I noticed something right outside the window. It's a firewalking area. And that is so beautiful to be able just to see that. Like, you know what? I'm having a vision of women's groups and women's groups walking from the inside to the outside and then walking for a fire pit. Oh, my goodness, this is so good.

[A]

It's so good for women who retreat. We can go outside and fire walk. Okay. So Jocelyn's like, oh, my God, this is such a good place for a retreat. So much versatility. And if you're not using the other bedroom. No, we're. You're not staying here, Jocelyn. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. So then, Lori, someone breaks the news to Lori that this is actually supposed to be a bedroom, not like a living space. She goes, wait, it is. So then what about. What about the bedrooms for the women's groups? Because women's groups are coming through. So we need a bedroom for the women's groups. Yeah, we need. We need a bedroom for the women's groups. I'm like, you just got a bunch of cots, you know, or you make it that everyone sleeps on the floor, and it's like a women's group slumber party. Lori, come on. Use your imagination.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's weird because doesn't she say it's another master bedroom? And Laurie's like, this won't work. Why won't it work? It's just another giant room. And you're all, I don't understand how you're having women retreats when one of the room is for you, One of the room is for your daughter. You only have one room left. What kind of retreat is this?

[B]

Yeah, that's true, too.

[A]

Do they stay in another place? I don't believe her.

[B]

They just put out mattresses and make it like a communal thing, and then it all makes sense.

[A]

So then wouldn't the big room make. Make more sense for that? Like, to have a giant master?

[B]

Yes, it would. It would make sense. It would be like a communal living situation. And, like, you just sell it. Sell it on your website. Like communal living, where we can have a Share, like a. A single heartbeat together. And, like, our breath is. Our dreams are like one. And our breath is our breath. And we share our breath as we share our dreams. And we're here by the fire. Cold fire. Walking space.

[A]

So Lori's like, well, congratulations, stupid. It's not a cliff. There's a place for firewalking. But this bedroom, that's just. That's a big no for me. Okay. I don't have enough space for my women's retreats of women.

[B]

Sorry, Lori, that your shaman bath did not last long enough for you to realize you can just get a bunch of cots and put them into a room, because this house has everything else you need. It literally has 44 acres of land.

[A]

Yeah. So then I have talking with fire. What does that mean, talking with fire? Jocelyn's like, are you starting to feel it? And Laurie says, I don't even want to go back to New Mexico. I just want to stay here. Oh. They're talking around a fire, I guess, somewhere. And Laura's like, I don't even want to go back to New Mexico. I just want to stay here and have women's retreats. I mean, unless there's a plane that's a woman plane, I don't even want to get back on one. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Honestly, at this point, now that I've been in a house that's shaped like an eagle, I can only be on planes shaped like eagles. Or if someone could find a massively sized eagle that I could fly back to Tennessee, I'd be open to that too. But I. I can't. I can't do it.

[A]

I need to find a woman eag plane. So that's a woman that retreats. I don't want the plane to land. I want it to retreat from the sky as a woman. So let's play retreat.

[B]

I'm not willing to go to a commercial airport. I will only fly from retreat to retreat. Okay.

[A]

Okay. So house number three. Lori's like, that looks like a mountain house. Well, that's. That's nice. It's on. It's on the top of a mountain, and it's a house.

[B]

The house is. The house is like. That looks like an idiot. So that looks like an eagle woman. The house is like. Sorry, I'm not built to look like. Like an eagle, but by any chance is a. As a Hershey bar, your spirit animal? Because that's kind of my vibe.

[A]

Is it a box of crackers? Okay. Because that's basically what's walking up here.

[B]

Saltines.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you ever seen a sleeve of saltines? Can that be a spirit animal? Because that's kind of what I was based off of.

[A]

So Lisa is like, hi, guys. I'm really excited to show you this house. It's six bed, five baths. It's perfect for your retreat. Six bedrooms. How did you go from not finding anything over three bedrooms to finding a six bedroom for like half the price? Isn't not half, but it's really low. It's like 925. What happened in this house? I know.

[B]

And then. But like, that's a lot, like, sweet. Six bedrooms, five baths. And then she goes. And it sits on a little over an acre. And Laura goes, ah, Just so you expect any spiritual shaman to do, ah, fuck this shit.

[A]

She's like, yep, that's not really what I wanted to see. But you know, I do love a stone fireplace. It's very shamany. And I'm a shaman, so. Wind grip.

[B]

So at least it's like. But it's got six bedrooms. If you actually cared about the people who are paying money for your retreat, you'd actually give them beds. So there's that. Laura's like, fuck them. You see Jocelyn right here? Does she look like she needs a bed?

[A]

So Laurie's like, I'm used to 44 acres and no one near me. So when I come, when I can see into someone's house, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just not used to that.

[B]

And yeah, because there's a neighbor like right off there, when they go out to the balcony in the back, there's like a neighbor right there.

[A]

Yeah, there really is in this one. But it. You do get a lot more bedrooms. And I think that people could actually sleep there. And most of the people coming here don't have 80 acres in their real life. Like, to them, they're gonna see some forest, trees, and be like, oh, my God, this is totally worth it. I just got shaman'd.

[B]

Yeah, the view is still wonderful. But I think that, I think for sure that Lori wants as part of the retreat, some sort of like naked spirit dance around, like a bonfire or whatever. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So that's why she's, like, very upset about this. So. And, and, but like, she's just so bratty about it. She's like, I can't believe how close that neighbor is. I mean, I'm like drinking coffee with my neighbor in the morning. She said that like five different times.

[A]

See, that's her favorite thing. Like, that's the worst thing in the world. Oh, my God. It's Like, I'm having coffee with my neighbor. Yeah.

[B]

She is the only shaman who does not apparently, like, human connection.

[A]

So let's see. So they start looking around. The kitchen's big, and Lori's like, you know, Lisa, this really isn't my style.

[B]

The kitchen. Nice.

[A]

And because it's kind of dated, it's got wallpaper and stuff in it, and.

[B]

Well, and all the. All the fixture. Everything in the house. Like, clearly, this looked like a elderly person who was here beforehand. Like, this looked like some. A place that, like, someone lived for, like, decades, you know, and now it's for sale. But the kitchen is. Is actually very well updated.

[A]

Yeah. Well, all Lisa really needed to say she wanted to sell this one was the person who just was a woman, and she passed from gathering, and she.

[B]

Has retreated into the next dimension.

[A]

She's still here. She's still here in the. In the shaman tub.

[B]

And by the way, when they're looking out at the view from the. The deck, Lori's like, well, I mean, look at this land. I mean, where would we do firewalking here? I mean, there's so many trees. You really can't do firewalking safely here at all. And Lisa goes. Goes, well, you know, just. You can just thin those trees out. She's like, yeah, I could do that. I was like, so you're gonna, like, actually murder more trees while extolling the virtues of logs?

[A]

You're gonna go completely destroy the environment that you're in? Like, that's against everything you stand for. It's like, you know what? Tear it down.

[B]

So, you know, but this. And she also, by the way, she's like, this is not my style. And they're like, but this is $500,000 below your budget. You can change out the wallpaper.

[A]

Yeah. I think this was the smartest move. I mean, to be able to get this. I thought this. And redo the whole thing with 500. The 500 grand you have left. That would have been really sweet. You could have made all the rooms, like, little hotel rooms.

[B]

Yes. You could probably create a space in the driveway for, like, a fire pit, like, or firewalking. You can probably, like, have a designated space there.

[A]

Yeah. And anchor still pretty big.

[B]

I think I thought for sure this is gonna be the one that she takes, because it's the cheapest. That the bedrooms have a functionality to it that the other houses don't. It's also the cheapest. I was like, let's be honest. This shaman is not affording a 1.5 million dollar house.

[A]

Well, it depends on who she murdered. Okay, so now it's time to make a decision. The narrator, Linda's like, nothing has or ever will make Lori happy, so she's gonna have to settle what's. What's most important. What is she gonna be least disappointed by? In Lisa's voicemails?

[B]

So then we see Laurie sitting with Lisa for the deliberations. And Laurie's like, lisa, thank you so much for doing this with me. Jocelyn had to go back home on account of the fact that she was an annoying bitch. Okay, so this is a really hard decision to make.

[A]

Jocelyn had to go back home to her less shaman y life.

[B]

Jocelyn had to go back home because she heard that there was a sale on eyebrows at Michaels.

[A]

But don't worry, we found a very high energy person to replace our realtor, Lisa. So Lisa's like, thank you so much for being with me today. I'm really happy to be here and be your sounding board. Oh, my God. We break through boards. Please don't hit me again.

[B]

Hold on. I just got a text from Jocelyn. She says, landed safely. Just in time for my shift at the Cinnabons at the King of Prussia Mall. Great.

[A]

So number one, Lori's like, oh, my God. Listen, my first thing is that that was my dream. That was like, my first dream. The view, however, the land sucks. The neighbor's too close to the hot tub, and. But I do love the windows. I mean, it's just nobody can really stay there. I don't know. Number one, I don't. I don't love it. But number two.

[B]

Branston, I have to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt. Has Laurie mentioned yet on the show, or is it later on that the eagle is her spirit animal?

[A]

No, that's what I'm saying. That was like the big M. Night Shyamalan twist. Oh, was it the eagle? I think she thought she would give it away if she tells us too early on.

[B]

Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry to ruin it for everyone listening. Okay, I already did.

[A]

I ruined it in the first five minutes.

[B]

So we're good.

[A]

So ranch style is the top of their budget. And she's like, we can firewalk outside. I mean, I don't know where Lily's gonna be comfortable, but fuck her. Am I right?

[B]

House number three, super cheap, tons of bedrooms. But Laura's like, it's not my style. There's wallpaper. I can't do anything about that. It's like the logs put on a dress, and I need my logs to Be naked.

[A]

It's so. Okay. So we find out what she chooses, right? She chooses the log number one. And she's like, I just have to. And then she tells us, yeah, the eagle is my spirit animal. So I just have to have that. Just the what? Just get an eagle statue on the other one. And how are you just telling us that now if that's your spirit animal?

[B]

Cut to. Cut to Jocelyn in Philadelphia at an actual Eagles game with, like, her face painted green and a foam finger. Sorry, I'm doing this for Laurie. It's a spirit animal. Also, like, what a cliche, spirit animal. I'm sorry. Like, having your spirit animal be like the lyric of a Steve Miller band song. Sorry.

[A]

So then we see a clip of Lori banging on one of those, like, drums from Cost Plus World Market over.

[B]

Some PA on this show that they put into a bed. They're like, okay, Mandy, get into that bed. We need to shoot some B roll with Laurie.

[A]

So she's like, I've been here two weeks. I'm just blown away. This is the perfect dream house for me. It was 1.48, but I got it for 1.41. Yes. Nailed it. God. Thank God I don't have to do wallpaper now. I'm going to have to flatten the entire mountain and find a way to put a bathtub in here.

[B]

But, you know, this was a dream to be able to purchase a house that's in the shape of my spirit animal. This house was built for me. It wasn't really built for the women who are going to be coming here. They're going to have no room to sleep, and they're going to be uncomfortable, and it's going to be drafty with all the logs. But you know what, though? Fuck them. It's the shape of my spirit animal.

[A]

She's like, the other thing is, I can't really do firewalking here, so I'm just going to burn Jocelyn with cigarettes over and over to inspire all the women at my women's retreats with women.

[B]

Yeah. And there's no place for, like, a shaman's bath, but I just decided to get a kiddie pool and put it in the driveway.

[A]

So then she facetimes her kid Lily to tell her, we found a very special place for you. A very secret room behind a bookcase. No one's gonna know you're there. And poor Lily, this kid's bangs. Just say, no one is raising me. I mean, who did these bangs? It looks like she did them with her own safety Scissors. While mommy was away, it was very.

[B]

Anvil meets the, like, the little. The little girl from, you know, meets poultry guys. She's like, thanks, Mommy. She's like, reading her script. Thanks, Mommy. I'm so excited for the room that I can hide out in when your strange friends come over and touch each other's. But not on. Not on camera. Lily, that's too much.

[A]

I know. I think it's fishy. She's like, oh, my God. I got the room with the secret door. The secret door to hide Lily away in.

[B]

Yeah, I think. But by the way, it's beautiful house. Beautiful house. I just don't know if it's suitable or it's, like, logistical for women's retreats.

[A]

I'm doubting a bit of retreat thing because I think if it was. If it was, she was having, like, lots of women over for these retreats, obviously it would have been the six bedroom and just redo it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I don't know how three bedroom. Like I said, the math isn't math. I will say, wow, what an episode. Yeah.

[B]

You know what I say, Lori? Make that your primary residence and turn the Tennessee farm into the women's retreat.

[A]

Yeah, there's plenty of stuff you can do in. In Nashville. Freaking 80 acres, dude.

[B]

Yeah, a farm is spiritual, too. It doesn't have to be in towels.

[A]

Yeah, well, but she doesn't have to.

[B]

Be a house and house.

[A]

She's got house and towels. Women's retreats. House and women's retreats. Towels to retreat women. All right, everybody, that brings us to the end of this dwell.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Thank you, Lori, for giving us so much to talk. That was super.

[B]

Beautiful house. Congrats for being. Giving us a very funny episode, but also having a beautiful house at the end of it. So that was a nice twist.

[A]

All right, everybody, thanks for being here. We will talk to you next time.

[B]

Bye.