Dwell Hello #401: Modern Day Viking Conquest in Sweden

Summary

Watch What Crappens: Dwell Hello #401 — "Modern Day Viking Conquest in Sweden"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Release Date: January 4, 2024
Source Show: House Hunters International, Season 131, Episode 2: "Modern-Day Viking Conquest in Sweden"

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious episode, Ben and Ronnie recap a standout House Hunters International installment where an American self-proclaimed "Viking" and his Swedish girlfriend search for a home near Gothenburg, Sweden. They dissect the couple's quirks: his questionable claim to Viking culture, her relentless obsession with "nature," and their real estate journey through three wildly different Swedish houses. Expect trademark wit, Bravo-style mockery, and lots of playful riffs on Viking cosplay, Scandinavian design, and the pitfalls of cohabitating with four large dogs.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "Modern Viking" Setup (00:44–03:29)

• Introductions: Ben and Ronnie reacquaint listeners with their Dwell Hello / House Hunters side-pod.
• Episode Description: The episode centers on Rob, a burly, red-bearded American obsessed with Viking culture (largely via Netflix shows), and Alva, his nature-obsessed Swedish girlfriend.
• Origin of the Recap: This specific episode was a listener recommendation — they implore fans to email their own suggestions with the subject "dwell hello suggestion," not via social media (01:30–02:10).

2. Viking Cosplay and Its Pitfalls (02:20–06:20)

• Rob’s Viking Identity:
  • Ronnie: "It's a big, hairy, red-headed American person who has Netflix and has watched the Viking shows on Netflix, which. Guess what? Guilty." (02:20)
  • Rob is not from a traditional Scandinavian enclave but—surprise—Atlantic City. Cue mockery about "Vikings" from the land of nickel slot machines.
• Alva’s Nature Fixation:
  • Every preference is “is it close to nature?” which Ben and Ronnie attribute (perhaps more cynically) to her desire to get her three dogs out of an apartment and away from neighbor complaints (04:21–05:04).

3. Initial Impressions of the Couple (05:41–06:53)

• Dog Dynamic: Alva and Rob live in a one-bedroom with four dogs. Alva’s self-awareness scores some points, but not enough to erase years of noisy apartment living.
• **Ben: "You don't get a good person award just yet, ma'am. Also, you're dating Rob, which I kind of get. ... She's just like... stuck with this idiot who's probably into Viking culture." (05:49–06:20)
• House-Hunting Dynamics: TV-style banter and recap of their chemistry, with Ben noting the role reversal (the "sitcom thing") present in their relationship.

4. Viking Pretensions vs. Swedish Reality (06:47–10:49)

• Fashion & Pewter: Rob sports a giant "Viking" pendant, but its authenticity is questionable; Ben refuses to zoom in for clarity (07:12–08:05).
• The 'Viking' Houses: All houses are much more farmhouse than Viking longhouse, prompting the hosts to lampoon the vague, TV-inspired "modern Viking" aesthetic.
• Swedish Setting: Ronnie and Ben swoon over Gothenburg’s picturesque scenery, tongue-in-cheek musing about moving there themselves, referencing cobblestone streets and pretzel shops (11:01–12:40).

5. Name Etymology Follies (12:41–16:42)

• Rob’s Grandiose Name Claim:
  • Rob: “My name is Robert Norman, which means shining fame of the Norseman.” (12:41)
  • Ben and Ronnie fact-check:
    • Ben: “How do you get shining fame of the Norseman out of just Robert Norman? I’m sorry. Does not work that way.” (12:59)
  • Hilarity ensues as they research live: "King of Almonds" (Ben) vs. "Gift of God" (Ronnie) (13:13–15:09).
  • They concede Rob’s claim is not totally made up but poke fun at its ridiculousness in context.

6. The Real Estate Agent & Quest Criteria (23:21–27:41)

• Enter Linda the Realtor:
  • Ronnie dubs her “Anne Hathaway if she never became famous.” Linda is bemused, unamused by the "Viking" theme.
  • Linda: “I will wear a helmet with two horns coming out the side if it means I get my commission.” (26:45)
• Wants and Needs:
  • Rob wants three beds and two baths, Alva wants nature.
  • Both are on a $400K budget, which shocks both hosts, given their jobs.

7. House Tours & Feedback

House #1: Close to City, Small Yard (28:10–33:10)

• Description: Cute farmhouse, 3bd/2ba, about $430K.
• Issues: Small yard for dogs, not enough "nature." Alva acknowledges: “I wouldn’t be a proper neighbor if I brought four dogs to this neighborhood...” (32:08)
• Rob’s Kitchen Preferences: Rob fusses about wanting an open kitchen, equates bartending with chef-level expertise, prompting ridicule.

House #2: Forest House (38:56–42:52)

• Description: 3bd/1ba, 1300sq m land, large, set in the woods, $350K.
• Praise: Alva loves the nature and land; the bathroom is large but only one in the home.
• Critique: Closed and low-ceilinged kitchen, which Rob dislikes. Ronnie: “Vikings are literally big for no reason.” (43:06)
• Logistical Downside: Only one bathroom, master upstairs; “Someone is always going to leave one of those doors unlocked. You’re going to walk in on a lot of Atlantic City parents poop. We don’t need that.” (39:49–40:11)

House #3: Cape Cod Blue Suburban (48:08–55:26)

• Description: 4bd/1ba, big yard, cheerful blue exterior, surrounded by other homes, $360K.
• Style: The kitchen features black/dark cabinetry and wood counters—hosts dig the aesthetic and bold wallpaper choices.
• Alva’s Complaint: “But I see neighbors here in every single window.” (52:30)
• No ‘Nature,’ but Close to Town: More suburban than wild, but Rob likes the cosiness.

8. Decision Time & Three Months Later (56:04–59:25)

• Deliberations:
  • Alva, predictably, wants more nature.
  • House #1 cut for being too small/urban.
  • Rob apparently wins out; they settle on House #3—the blue suburban—not the most "Viking," but has comfort, style, and a reasonable commute.
  • Ben: “What are you talking about with your wraparound? Why do you guys keep trying to hammer that in? We are so Viking right now with our Cape Cod style navy blue home.” (57:38)
• Aftermath (58:31): Rob: “Turns out your back feels so much better when you’re not sleeping on a futon. Wow. Big difference.”
• Viking Room Reveal: They add “Barcaloungers” and a dog-bone shaped rug. Ronnie: “Real Viking right there.” (59:11)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Rob’s Viking Identity:
  • Ronnie: "Not wanting to bathe or groom yourself properly does not make you a Viking, sir. It just makes you dirty." (09:10)
• On Nature Obsession:
  • Ben (mocking Alva): “Nature life is part of who I am. Okay, Alva, like, you met Rob online. That’s like the least natural place you could fucking meet somebody.” (25:58)
• On Swedish Home Goods:
  • Ben: “Sweden is the land of Ikea. Of course there’s a home goods, but it’s probably called Bjorksturgum Snort Flurgans.” (11:17)
• On Real Estate Agent, Linda:
  • Ronnie: “I will wear a helmet with two horns coming out the side if it means I get my commission.” (26:45)
• On House 2’s One Bathroom:
  • Ben: “We don’t need Robert’s modern Viking poops being one doorway away from the kitchen.” (40:05)
• On the ‘Viking Room’ Decor:
  • Ben: “It’s exactly the same, except they added two, like, leather chairs, like Barcaloungers, and then they added a welcome mat that’s the shape of a dog bone ... wow. Real Viking right there.” (59:06)

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Important Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Episode Suggestion Process: 01:30–02:10
• Rob's Viking Identity Origins: 02:20–03:29
• Rob's Pendant & Viking Fashion: 06:47–08:05
• Name Meaning Deep Dive: 12:41–16:42
• Meeting Linda the Realtor: 23:21–27:41
• First House Tour: 28:10–33:10
• Second House Tour: 38:56–42:52
• Third House Tour: 48:08–55:26
• Decision & Update: 56:04–59:25

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Tone & Style

The episode is full of quick, affectionate mockery in the hosts’ signature sassy, banter-driven style. They take as much joy in riffing on the oddball “Viking” angle and Sweden's cozy modern homes as they do making each other laugh with absurd mental images, gentle roasting, and Bravo-style catchphrases (“Not wanting to bathe ... does not make you a Viking, sir.”).

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t watched this House Hunters International episode, Ben and Ronnie’s recap delivers a vivid tour: you’ll get both the plot (couple searching for a dog-friendly, "Viking" home) and all the comic subtext, from Americans abroad gone wild, to the perils of themed dating, to the observation that playing at being a Viking is more about attitude (and questionable hygiene) than Swedish real estate.

Skip ahead to [28:10] to dive straight into the house tours and property analysis.

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Listen to "Watch What Crappens" for more Bravo and real estate hilarity.

Transcript

[A]

Ding dong.

[B]

Bingo.

[A]

Bingo.

[B]

Ding ding, ding, ding, ding dong. Hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's our House Hunters podcast, or House Hunters International. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How you doing today, Ronnie?

[A]

Good, baby. How's everything going over there?

[B]

Great. So exciting to get back into our House Hunters recaps. You know, we haven't done one in a few weeks. We sort of wrapped it up for 2023. But guess what? New year, new houses or old houses with new people in them, maybe. So it's time to get into it. You ready to dive in?

[A]

This was a doozy. Okay, so this one is from House Hunters international. It's season 131, episode two, according to Max, which is where we watched it to find these. Just go into whatever. We watched it app. We watched it on. We watched on Max. So just go in there and search for a modern day Viking conquest in Sweden.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

A modern day Viking conquest in Sweden. How could it fail?

[B]

How could it fail? And thank you to Holly Williams for recommending this one. If you have recommendations of episodes, you know, sometimes we go and we pick out our own because we just browse around or we happen to see see one. But we also like to hear from you guys. So email us, Watch your [e-mail] and put in your subject header, dwell, hello, suggestion. Put those three words, dwell, hello, suggestion in the subject. Because when it comes time for us to search for, for an idea, we do a search tab, we do a search on Gmail and we say dwell, hello, suggestion. So if you don't use that, that phrase, it's not going to show up in our search and we won't see your wonderful idea.

[A]

How are we gonna know?

[B]

How are we gonna know? Don't send it to us on Instagram. Don't send it to us on Twitter. I mean, you can, but we may, we may forget, but email is the way to go. So Vikings, Vikings in Sweden.

[A]

How can you fail? You cannot fail. Okay, this is exactly what you think it is. It's a big, hairy, red headed American person who has Netflix and has watched the Viking shows on Netflix, which. Guess what? Guilty. Okay, I love the last. Is this the last Viking? Hold on, let me look it up. Which one is Uhtred on Uhtred?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Hold on, everybody. Uhtred of Bamberg ut Uhtred from the last Kingdom. I've told you about that show with that hot ass guy, that Viking show. And it starts with, I am Uhtred, son of uhtred father of Uhtred, grandfather of Uhtred, from the land of Uhtred. I love that show. Watched every episode. Okay, I get it. You know, you're big, you're hairy, you're ginge. And part of you is just like, I just need somebody to identify with, and I'm sick of it being Santa Claus. And then you see this show on Netflix, and you're like, these guys are mostly hot. I'll identify with that. And then you make your entire life about Viking culture, which is hilarious.

[B]

Yeah. This guy is all about Viking culture. And so I thought, like, okay, surely he's from, like, Minnesota or something, you know, an area that has a big Scandinavian population or ancestry. And we find out later, he's from Atlantic City.

[A]

He's from Atlantic City. He's from the land of nickel machines, the ultimate in Viking culture. Atlantic.

[B]

Atlantic City, where all the Vikings eventually settled. Yeah. So. But what was funny to me about this episode is that as ridiculous as this guy was in advancing his agenda, his modern Viking lifestyle agenda, which is never really clear or articulated or makes any sense, I have to say, the one that cracked me up more was his girlfriend and her obsession with nature. Everything she says this episode is like, is it close to nature? I want her to be close to nature. Can we be close to nature, though.

[A]

To be close to nature? Well, here's the reason she's obsessed with nature, because girlfriend has three dogs, okay? And she has been living in an apartment. And you know how many neighbor complaints she has from these dogs barking their faces on. At some point, you just want to live in the middle of nowhere where your dog can bark. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I get it. But I was like, stop pretending it's nature when just a rude person. And at one point in the episode, she's like, I would be. I wouldn't be a proper neighbor if I put the dogs in this small of a yard, because it's going to make everyone else crazy. And I thought, you know what? You're finally learning. But I'm sorry to everybody who's been renting next to you for the past 10 years, because, you know, it's been hell living next to Alva. What's her name? Alva.

[B]

I was shocked when she said that, because here in Los Angeles, the land of my dog takes all priority and whatever you want to do, like, it doesn't matter that this is a human space. My dog counts as a human. And I don't care what you think. I don't care if My dog's gonna be loud. I don't care if my dog's gonna all over you or in this place that's not supposed to be in my dog matters the most. So to hear this lady be like, oh, you know what? You know, I've got three dogs and there's a yard here, but I would be pretty shitty to the people around me if I brought these dogs here. It's not good for the neighborhood. So I'm not gonna consider this house. I was. Is that possible?

[A]

I know it sounds like she's nice until you realize she's living in a one bedroom apartment with the Viking and four dogs.

[B]

Yeah, because he has his.

[A]

Know what? You don't get a good person award just yet, ma'. Am. Also, you're dating Alva. I mean, you're dating Rob, which I kind of get. Because listen, you. You're gonna look good in this relationship. I mean, it's like the sitcom thing where it's like the big fat, stupid husband, you know, that's on sitcom so much. And the woman's always like this hot, beautiful model, every one of them. She's just like the long suffering hot one that's just stuck with this idiot who's probably into Viking culture.

[B]

And so we sort of see the preamble and we see Alva walking. They're in some sort of medieval space, and she's like, oh, they have archery here. And he's like, oh, let's see who's a better archer. And then Linda, the narrator, chimes in. Rob's found his shield maiden in Sweden, and Alva has just lowered her standards at this point in her life and is dating this man. Suppose.

[A]

And Rob says the Viking spirit is to go out and see what else is out there. Oh, my God.

[B]

Not what you want to hear from your partner. Don't love that. That's a good point.

[A]

So I love that this guy is saying what a Viking he is. He's wearing a big gold necklace that. What is it?

[B]

It must have been a ship.

[A]

Is it a. Is it like a Viking ship or is it a whale tail coming out of the water that's kind of over a ship?

[B]

I refuse to zoom in. I was like, I cannot stand. He is obsessed with this pendant and like, everything he like. It's like front and center on his stupid sweater. And later on, he's wearing a different type of sweater that he has, like, unzipped to reveal the pendant to make sure it's perfectly framed. He wants everyone. Okay, let's see.

[A]

You See it? I. I did take a screenshot and zoomed in.

[B]

Adjust this. I'm looking. Ryan and I are kind of like doing our version of this.

[A]

We're not on video, so it's kind of unfair. Yeah, but we're talking.

[B]

Wait, can you center it a little bit more in the screen there? It looks sort of like an anchor, but it could also. Maybe it's a runestone. You know, he's very into runestones.

[A]

Oh, yes, he mentions runestones, but I don't know what those are. It looks like a whale tail. Like kind of from a side angle of a boat.

[B]

Maybe it's.

[A]

I don't really know.

[B]

Maybe it's something he got on a Viking cruise. He's like, well, technically it counts.

[A]

They should make the customers row because Vikings don't have cruises. And I'm so sick of this Viking. So anyway, he's like. He keeps saying Viking culture, but then they show like these little farmhouse looking places.

[B]

There's nothing Viking about this.

[A]

And I don't mean modern farmhouse. I mean like a literal house on a farm in, like, Georgia somewhere.

[B]

If I'm tuning in.

[A]

Why are you calling it Viking?

[B]

Yeah, if I'm tuning in to see someone who wants to live like, modern Viking style, I'm expecting someone who's going to live in like a log cabin sort of thing that looks like a Viking longhouse. It's like a few episodes ago that we recapped the lady who wants to have lady functions. Like, she just wants to have lady empowerment seminars in her log cabin. And so she looks at these big log cabins. They were like exactly what you'd expect her to look for. But he was just like, I'm modern. I'm into modern, modern Viking lifestyle. And that's. I just want to be a modern Viking. And then we just see him, like, walking his dogs with his girlfriend in a park. Like, is this what modern Vikings do?

[A]

Not wanting to bathe or groom yourself properly does not make you a Viking, sir. It just makes you dirty. Okay? You can have all the dry hair and split ends you want. You're just dirty. Can we stop just calling it a Viking lifestyle? Give me a break.

[B]

Does it maybe have something to do with the kitchen range? Because I could support that. I would love to have a modern Viking kitchen range.

[A]

Even that's not gas. Like, he doesn't. He's not even seeing fire in any of that. It's all electric. Every single one they looked at was an electric stone.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

Which, you know. No, nothing against it. Like, what do I care what your oven is? But stop saying Viking so much.

[B]

So Linda goes, and Rob's dropped everything. And by everything, I mean the nothing he had in America. To live the dream in Alva's home country with a woman who's way out of his league. And somehow he conned into being in a relationship with him.

[A]

And he's like, well, can't catch his fish. Cause they showed them fishing. And she's like, does it mean I have to go out and hunt now? And he's like, not quite yet, honey. Yes. This man is really going to go into the local pond that is like stocked with a couple of catfish from the. You know, from some local farmer. And that's going to be your dinner, girl. Get you a man who respects you enough to go to McDonald's.

[B]

Get you a proper Swedish man. A proper Swedish man knows not only how to catch the fish, but how to pickle it, probably too. Okay.

[A]

Yes. And how to follow it up with a decent block of chocolate.

[B]

Yes, yes. Clean. So is that true?

[A]

Swedish chocolate, Swiss chocolate.

[B]

But I think that Swedish people probably have very good chocolate too. Let's be honest. They know. They know.

[A]

Well, you know what? I will say this. You don't meet as many Swedish people, which leads me to believe I have not met as many Swedish people in America, which leads me to believe that it's a land people don't want to leave.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And looking at this episode, I would not want to leave there.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

This is the most picturesque, beautiful place. Let's just move to Gothenburg, can we? Yes. I'm already in the middle of nowhere for me. I mean, is there a home goods on there? Is there a place that sells cake?

[B]

Ronnie, Sweden is the land of ikea. Of course there's a home, kids, but it's probably called Bjorksturgum. Snort Flurgans. Yes. It looked so lovely. And so we're in Gothenburg, Sweden, and we see this beautiful street. It's like cobblestone. There's a gay flag flapping in the wind. And then there's also a giant sign of a pretzel. It's like a pretzel sculpture that's hanging over shop. It's just a pretzel shop. So I was like, you know, we talked recently about being that pretzel buns were overrated, but a pretzel shop in Sweden, I bet is quite delicious.

[A]

Also, I would like to say that that was not a hundred percent opinion on the show. That was a 50, 50 split where you Thought pretzel buns were overrated.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I thought you were over.

[B]

Oh, I thought you were signed.

[A]

Did I? Because I feel like I would never say that about a pretzel bun now. Are they perfect? No, but it's still bread. I just. Have I ever been mean to bread on the show, guys? If so, I would like to remind everybody this is only January 3rd for us. 2024, and it's a new year. And so I take everything back that I said bad about.

[B]

In 2024, you were pro pretzel bun. And in 2023, we're not sure where you stood with it, but we know that right now this is where you stand, and that's all that matters.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

So Rob goes. We meet this guy Rob, big red hair and sweater with pendant. And he goes, my name is Robert Norman, which means shining fame of the Norseman. No, it does not. There's.

[A]

My name is Ronnie, and that means shut the fuck up, stupid ginger, and take a bath.

[B]

I'm telling you, you know Robert Norman. That's. You cannot. How do you get shining fame of the Norseman out of just Robert Norman? I'm sorry. Does not work that way.

[A]

Have you ever. Have you ever known somebody named Robert?

[B]

Who?

[A]

You're like, oh, my God. Shining fame. Shining fame.

[B]

Shining fame. No, now, I'll tell you that. Like, my name. So my last name means almonds. My first name does.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

So I am king of almonds.

[A]

King, yeah.

[B]

Ben apparently means king, so I'm king of almonds. That's the sort of thing that you find out with your name, but you don't get. I don't have. I am the glorious king of almonds that are beloved by the countryside. You don't get that. You're gonna get like. I think Norman probably just means you're a Norseman. I'm gonna look at this up now.

[A]

Behind the name, the meaning and history of first names. I have to look mine up. Rondell. Rondell. American English, transferred use of the surname Rondell. It doesn't have a meaning. My. My. My name means nothing. I will say gender masculine. That's something. It's the first time I think I've ever been called masculine. Who would not give my meaning A name? Name meanings.

[B]

Okay. In the meantime, I looked up Norman, which is unsurprising, means man from the north. I feel like we could. We could guess that Norman. Norman is a baby boy name of English origin, meaning man from the north. The baby name famously dates back to the 9th century Vikings if you're history buff, you'll know Vikings were also known as Normans or Norsemen and were both Europeans and Scandinavian. Oh, shut up. This is so condescending. If you're a history buff, you'll know that Vikings were Europeans. If you're an. If you're not an idiot, you'll know that Vikings are Europeans. Wow. Really shamed me. You knew that? You didn't have to tell me that. You don't have to spell it out like that.

[A]

Well, guess who's not shaming me? Names.org. okay, I looked up my name. Rondall, according to a user from Michigan. Take that as you will. I trust Michigan. Why not? The name Rondall is of Native American origin and means gift of God.

[B]

Well, we all knew that already.

[A]

Taken.

[B]

We knew that. Taken. We knew that.

[A]

Like a pretzel bun, if you will.

[B]

So here's what I just want to say. Ultimately, Norman means Man of the North. So I don't know where he got shining fame of the Norseman, because I guarantee that I don't think that Robert means shining fame.

[A]

It does. It does. It means bright fame.

[B]

Okay, fine.

[A]

From the Germanic name Harodbert, meaning bright fame, derived from the elements hurrah and behrat. Right. Bright. The Normans introduced this name to Britain, where it replaced the rare Old English congate.

[B]

Wow, so Robert has Norse lineage. Like that's actually a Viking name. Robert?

[A]

Yeah. Do you believe the Normans?

[B]

Wait, did Rob write this? Are you writing. Are you on Rob's website?

[A]

The Normans introduce this name. They have four dogs and cats, their own fish for dinner. Wait a minute.

[B]

The Normans don't want a long commute.

[A]

This name has been borne by two Kings of the Franks, two Dukes of Normandy, and three kings of Scotland.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Pretty good.

[B]

Okay, so you know what? Maybe he's the shining came of the Norseman after all. Turns out we learned something.

[A]

Well, listen, hamburgers aren't made of ham, so there you go.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

It's not always all in the name. Sometimes names are lies.

[B]

Let me tell you something. You can be the shining fame of the Norsemen, but can you be the King of Almonds? I don't think so. That's me.

[A]

Which would you rather? Okay, so let's go to Steve Gutenberg, Sweden, where Robert tells us his name is shining fame of the Norseman. We don't believe him until we're proven wrong. Spoiler alert. Six hours later or so.

[B]

Yeah, and then Alva says, I really like a humble name, so she Already hates him. We can tell. And Rob's like, well, I guess my parents had high aspirations for me. So glad I've been able to tell them that. For the past six years, I've been working in bars and I'm now couch surfing in Sweden.

[A]

So listen, doesn't every parent in Atlantic City have high hopes for their child? I mean, you're in a gambling city. You know what I mean? I mean, if any, that city is built on hope.

[B]

Every people who live in Atlantic City sing Skid Row from Little Shop of Horrors without irony every single day.

[A]

But then again, who among us does that's true.

[B]

Gotta get outta here. Okay, so. So now Alva's walking down that. She's strutting down the sidewalk with a bunch of dogs, and she's like, I'm born and raised in Gothenburg, so this is like my home city away from nature. And Rob says, you know, I made a lot of connections with my online Viking Nordic history communities. I'm like, is there a plural on that?

[A]

What? So he goes, so the picture of Alva wearing a runic necklace showed my connection to history. So it was a natural question for me to say, hey, why do you wear that? And then we found our cultural ties. Alva. The fuck? I like that. Alva seems somewhat normal, but she's online. She's on online Nordic Viking History Communities. Alva, by the way, it's called Tinder, babe. Like.

[B]

But you know what, though? Like, I think online Viking Nordic History communities is just a fancy way of saying Viking larps, Right? Viking larps.

[A]

I think so, yeah. It's like people who want to jerk off to fantasies of being Vikings.

[B]

Yeah. Or just actually.

[A]

Which makes me wonder what I want to see this chat history, because I think I have a feeling it was not favorable to Alva. Just gonna say that although Alva seems very strong, she doesn't seem like she's going to be clubbed on the head and just, like, thrown over someone's shoulder, you know, and, like, dragged onto a Viking boat.

[B]

I'm gonna sneeze. This entire conversation is gonna make me sneeze right now. So you just have to talk. I'm not gonna sneeze on this microphone right now. I'm turning off my microphone. You explain what happens next. Oh, good. I just tugged my sneeze away. It doesn't have to happen. So, you know that he probably, like, she has probably. Well, you know, Alva, of course, is on the Nordic on Viking Historical Community, dating.net. of course she's on that because she's gonna clean up. I mean, Alva's pretty as it is, but, you know, in Sweden, okay, the women in Sweden are just, like, gorgeous. That's the reason why there's all the jokes with Swedish supermodels, yada, yada. This is the land of Heidi Klum. So, like. Like a Sweden 6 is like an LA12, right? So Alva is just used to being scaled down by the other gorgeous women in Sweden. So she's like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna be a big fish in a little pond. I know I'm a Swedish six, but I'm a historical Vikings community 17, so I'm going there.

[A]

Okay, well, that makes sense. And it worked.

[B]

It worked.

[A]

Also. I think she just gets the comedy of being with an American from Atlantic City who's, like, cosplaying Viking.

[B]

He's a Viking. Argh. I'm a Viking, but I was raised in Atlantic City, actually. Yeah. So that's me.

[A]

So, okay. So she's like, yeah. So we did have a cultural tie because he likes runic necklaces, and he's like, yeah. And we've been living in her apartment ever since. I mean, what a prize. You know, you. One minute you're just surfing for some Nordic cosplay dick on the Internet, and the next thing you know, you've got some fucking dude living in your apartment.

[B]

You're just, you know, you're on runestones.earthlink.net and just trying to get the new. The new fall collection. And now you got a big ginger on your sofa.

[A]

Congrats. You won. So we see him at work at the bar. And, you know, it's a really good bar because they allow four dogs inside. So.

[B]

By the way, though, and they're big dogs. They're big dogs. And actually, my fit. Which. Guess which one is my favorite of the dogs?

[A]

The little one?

[B]

No, I like that orange one. There was, like, an orange brown one. Maybe it's more brown than orange. That one was adorable. That was my favorite of the dogs.

[A]

Only red dogs, because they're very Viking.

[B]

It was a modern ginger dog. Yeah, I felt. I felt that. So, yeah, they go into this restaurant, and then Rob's working behind the bar. Now, shockingly, when Rob is in his work outfit, he looks 10 times better. He's in, like, a black polo. His hair is back. I was like, oh, he looks like. He looks good. You know, it's like when he lets his hair down and is like, look at me. I'm A Viking. You're like, oh, no, no, no. Like Viking Mario Batali. Get away from me.

[A]

I think he's a good looking guy. I mean, he looks like the dude from Game of Thrones. The redheaded guy from across the wall.

[B]

Or whatever, whatever his name was.

[A]

I love that guy.

[B]

He plays. That guy plays a lot of Vikings.

[A]

I feel like everything he does, I feel like that's what this guy Rob is doing. I feel like he saw that guy and is like, I'm that guy. I'm the beyond the wall guy.

[B]

Rob is not a bad looking guy. He just styles himself very poorly. Apparently being a modern Viking is styling yourself literally down. Yeah, literally poorly. Poorly. You're. Let me tell you something. If you're gonna do modern Viking, you should also modernize the Viking haircut. Because guess what? I guarantee a modern Viking that's living now would have a different haircut than what you have robbed.

[A]

So they're talking about this town, right? And they want to. Oh, he tells us they need to get a bigger place because she has three dogs, he has one dog. Now they have four dogs in a one bedroom. And he's like, yeah, we. We want to grow in our relationship because everything in life is easier with a partner. And it's nice to see your values reflected in someone else. I mean, what the fuck? I don't want to see my values reflected in somebody else. I'd have to hose them down every day. They'd just be covered in M. Eminem coloring all over their hands. You know what I mean? I don't need my values reflected in somebody else. You know what I need reflected in somebody else better than my values.

[B]

This is why Alva looks so disgusted the entire episode, because she's. She's looking at Robin saying, these are my values. I don't like this reflection. Yeah. So now we meet the realtor, who's also named Linda. So this is Linda the realtor, who I'll just Sounds very confused. Yeah, we'll just. Going forward, all Linda's are going to be the realtor. And when it becomes Linda the narrator, we will say Linda the narrator. But this is Linda the realtor, who looks sort of like if Anne Hathaway never became famous and aged like a normal person. This is who Linda the realtor is.

[A]

Anne Hathaway. I like that. I like that. Linda looks very worried because her face like, you know how. Listen, I'm 48, so I'm not judging anybody, but looking how my wrinkles are. My wrinkles are struggling so hard because I get both Botox. So I've started to get weirder wrinkles. Like, I don't get them horizontally anymore. I get them vertically because. I don't know. Anyway, it's a thing. I'm trying to get past it, but guess what? It's called age, and you can't. But Linda, I'm, like, jealous of hers because hers are like little index fingers, one on top of each other. Her forehead. Her forehead looks like four index fingers. Like, if you're doing this, like, just with your fingers, you know, And I'm like, that's what. Real fucking hard earned worried face. That's a hard, worn worried face, you know? And Linda doesn't give a fuck anymore. You know, she's like, I've earned these fingers on my head. I don't care anymore. You want. You want something Viking? Fine. I'll show you this farmhouse and we'll call it Viking more. And I'm not worrying about you.

[B]

Yeah, she's done. She is so over these two the entire time. She's. She drew the. The. The. The short straw in the realtor lottery. And they're like, sorry, Linda. So Helen gets to go show a house the president of ikea. And you have to show houses to someone who wants to be a modern Viking. Sorry.

[A]

She's like, well, that's what I get for trying to find work on the modern Vikings online community.

[B]

So she says how this city is situated on the west coast of Sweden, and it's the second biggest city in the country, and it's got a million people, and it's, like, really close to Norway, too. And by. Her name is Linda Johansson, which is really. Johansson's like the most stereotypical Scandinavian last name I feel like. So I like that for her. And so Rob is. They're looking at the city, and Rob is like, wow, it's, you know, it's really historical. It has some fortifications around the city, so it kind of piques my interest in history. But it's also the center of the west coast of Sweden, which means there's a lot of wilderness around that's easily accessible for us and our dogs.

[A]

And Alva's like, nature life is part of who I am. Okay, Alva, like, you met. You met Rob online. That's like the. That's like the least natural place you could fucking meet somebody.

[B]

You actually live in a city. I hate to tell you. You live in a city. Okay, I've had enough already. You live in a city.

[A]

Okay, I'm glad you really like nature, because that man is not wearing deodorant.

[B]

I can guarantee you right now that is true. So Linda says, so modern Vikings for Rob and Alva, that's quite unusual. I mean, what does that really. Am I right, everyone? But I understand that she actually is like, what the fuck?

[A]

What is this? I have no idea what that is. But guess what? 10% is 10% in any language.

[B]

I will wear a helmet with two horns coming out the side if it means I get my commission.

[A]

So she asked what they're looking for, and he says he wants three bedrooms so his parents can come and hopefully two bathrooms. Girl, I would take bathrooms over bedrooms. If my parents were coming to stay with me, I would take bathrooms. They can sleep in the bathroom. They're not sharing mine.

[B]

I would take bathrooms over bedrooms if I'm just sharing a house with Rob. I mean, you know, that guy is going to stink up some toilets. Let's be honest.

[A]

You need multiple drains. If you're.

[B]

Vikings are not known for their vegan lifestyle, there's going to be some serious stuff moving through that digestive tract.

[A]

There's going to be a lot of farm caught catfish coming through there. So Linda's like, okay, well, you know, how far away are you okay with being from the city? And he's like, I have to be close to the city. Rob, that's not very Viking of you.

[B]

Yeah, okay. Doesn't quite speak of Vikings going out into the world and conquering things on their longboats. I don't know, being in the city.

[A]

But he wants it for 400 grand, which is very Viking. Okay. Cheap ass. Yeah.

[B]

I'm so. I was shocked that the budget was that high because he's a bartender and she. I don't even know what Alva does. As far as we can tell, she walks around with dogs.

[A]

Yeah. They never say what Alpha does, huh?

[B]

No.

[A]

So how are houses that much money? God, what a world. Remember when things used to be simpler? So now we go to house number one. It's a three bedroom, two bath, I think two bath. And it's cute. It's like a little, cute little farmhouse type place. And this one's 430. And Alva's like, woof, that's a little bit over.

[B]

Wow, that's a little bit over. Sort of like the city limits compared to nature. So they go in, there's like a nice sized kitchen. Like, it's a kitchen that I feel like is good considering it's Europe, because a lot of the European kitchens are like really small. So nice sized kitchen And Rob is like, well, I'm used to granite countertops and what have you, but this is all right. I was like, oh, was that part of the modern Viking lifestyles, having granite countertops?

[A]

Did you bring that over on the rowboat?

[B]

Rob also. He has. So he also, by the way, has a lot of things to say about kitchens in this episode. And yet when he talks to Linda about what he wants, he doesn't talk about kitchens at all. And yet it seems like it all comes down to kitchens, because he decides.

[A]

That he's good at things because he likes them. He's one of those people that's like, I watch a lot of tv, therefore I should write a TV show. No, it just means you watch a lot of fucking tv. I mean, he literally says at one point, I've worked in a lot of bars with, like, a lot of chefs, so I'm a pretty good cook.

[B]

I was like, what does that mean? That doesn't. Doesn't work that way. Okay? Stop acting like you're stashing with Thomas Keller, okay?

[A]

I've read a lot of Cosmos. I'm not a model. It's just. That's not how it works. You know, I've read a lot of ingredients on the back of cake mixes. I'm not a cupcake. You know, I'm a gift from God, but I'm not a cut. I'm not a cupcake.

[B]

Yeah, you're. Listen, you may be the shining fame of the Norseman, Rob, but you are not the glorious cooking God of the Norseman. So please take a seat. And he's like. He's like, yeah, and when I cook, I like when people are around me when I'm cooking, you know, I was like, wow. Again, very modern Viking, you know, because he. He likes when people are there drinking their wine, chit chatting. There's some charcuterie out, like. Like the Vikings did back in the day.

[A]

I think it's normal, you know, because that's what everybody says. Like, I want an open kitchen, so I'm not all alone in the kitchen while everybody else is having fun. Like, I get that we've heard that a lot, but I feel like in Rob's case, it's performative. And I feel like Rob's not a good cook. Rob is just like, you know what? Onion rings. Onion rings. Steak and chicken tenders. Because that's what I learned of the greatest chefs and the greatest bar.

[B]

He has downloaded so many Bobby Flay recipes, and then he sort of regurgitates them, and they're perfectly fine, but they're so much better than probably what his mom made in Atlantic City. Let's be honest, that he thinks it's like gourmet.

[A]

Yeah, Rob, I don't trust you or your salmonella. I feel like Rob is a big salmonella. Give her.

[B]

Yeah. So then Linda's like, all right, well, if you look to this side, there's a ton small table here for a meal. And it's not the biggest table area, but look over here. And there's like an. Actually a really nice dining room. Although strange, you have to walk through the living room to get to the dining room from the kitchen. A little strange thing. Maybe you can wrap around the other way with the kitchen. I'm not sure.

[A]

And she's like, yeah. And there's that dining room just in case you trap anyone into listening to your Viking fanfic.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Just over there, and there's a sun room. There's a trampoline outside. And Linda has to explain very simple things like. Like this is where you sit in case you have people over, because it's a dining room. Dining means sitting. And then at one point she goes, look at this, a sunroom. Imagine sitting here when it's. When it's the fall. It's cozy. Look over there. That's a yard. That's where grass is.

[B]

Look, there's a walkway. Now imagine putting one foot in front of the other across those flagstones. That's walking on a walkway. Can you see it? Can. You can get the vision.

[A]

And this is where Alva's like, well, this, this yard is small. And I wouldn't be a proper neighbor if I brought four dogs to this neighborhood. This just isn't right, you know? And again, she's sick of getting notes saying, you better tell your dog to shut the fuck up. I'm gonna slit its throat while you're at work.

[B]

So then they go upstairs and the first bedroom they look at is really small. And. But Rob's like, being optimistic. He's like, well, you know, it's a bit small, but it works for some short term guests. Alpha goes, and if we call kids short term guests, I guess that will work, huh? Idiots.

[A]

In your case, they probably will be. I mean, you're having them with Rob. How long do you think they're going to stay?

[B]

They are modern Viking lifestyle children. They are going to go out and explore the world. And they're little like toy. The big wheel. Big wheel Viking ships.

[A]

Let me tell you, the first place these kids are going to Walk to the second they learn how to walk away.

[B]

Okay, they are gonna hide themselves in the nearest Ikea. They're just gonna pretend like they are part of a chair that you assemble.

[A]

They're gonna just try and blend in with all the other little tiny elements.

[B]

They're gonna be a children's book where they stay at Ikea after dark. And they're sneaking into the fridge and getting the lingonberries and the meatballs, which, of course are not Swedish meatballs there. They're just meatballs.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they're just regular meatballs. Everyone's like, oh, my God, I'm so sick of meatballs.

[B]

It's like night at the museum, but at Ikea with no dinosaurs that come alive.

[A]

He would love that, though. He's probably be there, like, jerking off to the Viking section.

[B]

So Rob likes the way it all flows and stuff, and even though the rooms are small, but Alva's like, hmm, I would like to be closer to nature and also the yard. I'm worried about the yard and I'm worried about the price, but mainly nature. So, you know, they move on to house number two.

[A]

House number two. So Alva explains to us that her family was out in nature a lot. My dad and my granddad has always been hunters. I got my hunting license at 11. Okay, listen, you know. No, you're literally killing nature.

[B]

You've been killing nature for years now.

[A]

I love shooting nature with my mad maid tool. Stop giving your 11 year old guns to go shoot things. I don't care. I don't care if it's animals. Stop it. Stop. No one needs that. Yeah, okay. And since. And since when is Alva worried about the fucking neighbors? She's been shooting things since she was 11.

[B]

I know. So Rob says. Well, I grew up with the myths and legends of the war. We still plant Thor's sacred plants out in front of our doorstep in Atlantic City. The Viking spirit is to go out and see what else is there. I remember being a child running into the Taj Mahal casino and saying, ahoy, Vikings are here. Which is, apparently, I learned later on, Ahoy is more of a pirate thing than a Viking thing. But, you know, I was learning. I was learning.

[A]

I grew up with the myths and legends of Thor. We still plant Thor plants outside our door.

[B]

Oh, Rob, I don't know what that means. Listen, I don't want to disparage, you know, the Nordic. Nordic Norse mythology, et cetera. I think it's wonderful. It did give us Chris Hemsworth as Thor in the Marvel Movies. One of the few reasons I have to see Marvel movies is just to see Chris Hemsworth. But let's. Come on. You're in Atlantic City planting Thor.

[A]

I'm looking at pictures of the Thor plant. The bracts and flowers of Hakuisha epicatis Thor have a pretty cream white edging, helping the foliage to stand out in shady spots. They look kind of cacti. Y. Um, I never knew there was a Thor plant, but it makes sense, I guess. It looks like his helmet. Maybe that's what.

[B]

I guess so. And the red is with the ginger.

[A]

What came first? Thor. Or the Thor plant or Thor Birch.

[B]

He's like, I've seen all of her movies. As close as modern Viking mythology is actually being up to date on Thor. Perchance Filmography.

[A]

So now's where they see the archery thing. And he's like, oh, let's see who's better at archery. She's like, I've been killing things since I was 11, stupid. But he does win. And she's like, oh, good for you. I didn't bring my contacts for this one. I was like, oh, my God. Another Viking invention. Contacts. You two are really, really bad at this theme.

[B]

And we see the dogs. The dogs are so bored. The dogs are like, why are these the owners we wound up with? We are too cute to be with these people.

[A]

The dogs are all standing in front of the bullseye.

[B]

They're like, please, please. We don't care about yards or nature. We just. Please, send us. Send us to the next. Send us. Send us to Asgard.

[A]

So he's like, I got close to the bullseye. She's like, okay, my turn. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Alva, put away the machine gun.

[B]

Okay, so now they're. Now they're Dr. And there's like a. They drive by a boat, and Alva's like, did you see the big boat? And Rob goes, yeah, we're going to have to take that down to Germany so I can get some bratwurst. Am I right? And she goes, I think that one actually goes to Denmark. Idiotics.

[A]

And he's like, oh, oh, whoa, whoa. Well, I thought that that was the German one. I guess that. I guess that one's further up the road here. He's so insecure. And finally I saw what she loved in him. He's just an idiot. You know, she's marrying a big dumb idiot that she could just. She can just emotionally abuse for the rest of her life.

[B]

Yes, that's exactly right. Because she can just. Because he is so like thirsty to be European. Basically, he wants to be a modern Viking. He wants to embrace it all, but he's really not of there. And so she can just shame him about literally anything, including like the destination of a random shipping freighter. She's like, oh yeah, you want to get good luck cuz it's going to Denmark. Enjoy your after skee bits because that's what you're gonna get wrong Boat Roberts like that.

[A]

He's like, look at me, look how European. I cannot wait to get bratwurst from Germany. Like, stupid.

[B]

Stupid. Well, guess what? You don't have to go far to be the worst, because that's what you already are. Stupid boat. Not Noah.

[A]

Look, I'm with here worst. Right here worst.

[B]

Yeah, so.

[A]

So he looks like an idiot. She loves it. So now Linda's like, you know, these two are interesting. They complement each other. I mean, they like different things, but they're both open. And by open, I mean desperate and unlovable. This is going to be great. It's going to be very, very easy. I'm just going to keep showing them little tiny boxes and saying Viking a lot until they pick one.

[B]

So now they go to House 2, which is in the forest, basically. And it's actually quite sizable. It's very large. And of course Alva's like, with all the nature here, it's so beautiful. It's like, of course. So it's three beds, one bathroom, 1300 square meters of land. So it's a nice plot of land. And Linda's like, you know, Linda's saying, you know, and the positive thing for Alva is this house comes in for $350,000 for her cheap nature loving ass. And.

[A]

There'S also plenty of neighbors to hide behind trees that she could shoot like she has been doing since she was 11 years old. So this one's actually really nice. They did do. Alva keeps saying, I like the materials and she's got a good call. I mean, there's like a lot of good tiling, a lot of nice like stone work. This one was really cute. The bathroom is gorgeous. It's really big, but it's like a Jack and Jill where it has two doors and that never works out well.

[B]

It's weird.

[A]

I feel like even. Yeah, it's weird where it is because it's not even between two bedrooms. It's between the kitchen and like the front entrance or something. Someone is always going to leave one of those doors unlocked. You're going to walk in on a lot of Atlantic City Parents poop. We don't need. I can guarantee you that we don't.

[B]

Need Robert's modern Viking poops being one doorway away from the kitchen. Okay.

[A]

We.

[B]

It's. It's a huge bathroom. I think it's to compensate for the fact that it's the only bathroom. They're also, by the way, you know what I liked about this? There was a. There were a lot of recessed lights throughout the house. Lots of recessed lighting. I love recessed lighting, and I liked what they did with it. It was really nice. The kitchen.

[A]

So there's kind of like a. The kitchen was pretty nice, but it's kind of closed in, which he doesn't like, because, guys, he's worked in bars. And she goes, yeah, he's worked in many bars, so he's been to nice restaurants, so I know that's important.

[B]

Yeah. He doesn't want. The ceiling is low in the kitchen because clearly this house was, like, built like it looked like the. Maybe the stuff. The nice stuff we saw was added on. And the kitchen is part of, like, the old structure. Maybe that was my guess. But it's a low ceiling, and he doesn't like that. I think he has a point. Only because he's probably gonna catch a lot of things on fire and we don't need a ceiling so close to the flames.

[A]

Yeah. So then there's like this loftish area upstairs, like a little living room area. And he goes, oh, my gosh. It's like an old mead hall in Viking stories. This is such a Thor legend.

[B]

I don't. So did those. Did those long. Those Viking longhouses also have recessed lighting? I'm just trying to. Just trying to picture it.

[A]

Just want to make sure it's regular meathouse. Oh, my God, Thor. This is such a Thor legend. Watching a big screen TV in the upstairs on the sectional.

[B]

It's literally what Thor lived for. It's a big room. And he's like, wow, this is just like when the Vikings get together to eat and grog or to drink grog. And Alva goes, this is a room with many options. Well, thanks for the input, Alva.

[A]

Thanks, Alva. You know what else is most rooms. Okay.

[B]

And also, you are sort of someone with options. You don't have to stay with this person.

[A]

Please, you know, listen. You have as many options as this room. Please branch out.

[B]

So he goes, you know what I mean? So Rob says, this house is definitely going to be Alva's favorite. And I'm a little concerned because I don't know if it's the best for us in our future. What is wrong with it? What is wrong with, like, where is the downside for your future with this house? It has a giant upstairs rec room, essentially huge living room downstairs, a huge bathroom. I don't see how this is bad for the future.

[A]

I don't like how he's like accusing her of just not wanting the best for their family.

[B]

Yeah, it's really weird.

[A]

It's like, wow, she really likes the outdoors. I don't know if I can trust her to have my children.

[B]

So then basically they look at the rooms upstairs. They're fine outside the big room, you know. And Rob tells us, you know, the rooms don't seem to be thought out. I'm like, well, much like the idea of moving to Sweden to have a modern Viking lifestyle from Atlantic City.

[A]

And he says, much like praying to.

[B]

A Thor plant, he says, it seems to be big for no reason. I was like, that is like the most Viking thing about it. Suddenly the modern Viking wants things to be like, snug and cute and small. What? That doesn't make any sense.

[A]

Yeah, Vikings are literally big for no reason.

[B]

Have you seen a Viking helmet? It does not need to have two horns on it. That is extra volume.

[A]

So there's like a big, huge deck out there. It's a barbecue, a sun bath. Like, it's a nice place. And the kitchen is lacking, so he's not into it. But he does have one really good point. He's like, wait, the master's upstairs. Which means every time we wake up to go pee, we have to go downstairs. And then Linda goes, well, some things you just have to deal with. No, no, ma'. Am. How dare you just tell me like, oh, you just have to get up. I mean, listen, I get up ten times a night to go pee, so that would not work for me. You just hear tumbling down those stairs.

[B]

Listen, listen. There are $50,000 under budget. Build a frickin bathroom upstairs. Just do it.

[A]

That's what everybody says, but it's not Property Brothers. That shit takes six months. So it's not just like five minutes, like, oh, there's a bathroom like in some old ass house in the middle of nowhere. You know what cost $50,000? A couch. Not a bath. A bathroom is like $500,000. Okay? This is 20, 24.

[B]

They can do it. They can figure it out. I'm saying the rest of the house is so nice. I would find a way to make it work. Six months of construction, but then you know, upstairs shitting for the rest of their lives. I think it's great.

[A]

Well, listen, I say go for. Go for a shitter that's already there. Don't. No need to reinvent the.

[B]

So, I mean, but by the way, it is a legitimate concern. Like, only one bathroom for that big house is a little wild. So of course Alva loves that it's close to nature because that's what she says with. She's just only concerned with that. So now we go on to house number three. Linda, the narrator, is like, Rob is tapping into his ancestry by moving to Sweden to follow his Viking roots, which apparently means fishing for guppies alongside a municipal bridge in a man made pond.

[A]

So he's like, yeah, part of the reason I'm moving here is to be what I call a modern Viking and to find balance in nature and to be forthright and to stand up for my beliefs and my ideals. I don't gamble with money. I gamble with my life. I grew up in Atlantic City. It was unconventional. But let me tell you something. When I get on a ferry, it's going to Germany if I tell it to you.

[B]

So then he's fishing and he's like, well, beautiful day, but I haven't caught anything yet. And I was like, okay, does that mean I have to go out and hunt? That's where we see this part. He goes, huh? Maybe. Well, let's just give it a little bit more time. Come on, Rob, you can do this. Do this, Rob, do this.

[A]

And this is 100% Alva's love language too, because she goes, oh, I'm researching fishing trips for you. Fishing for dummies. It's like, yes, Alma, get your big stupid husband. I love it.

[B]

He's like.

[A]

Alva's like, listen, here's what I want for the rest of my life. Nature and emotional abuse of a foreigner.

[B]

He goes, well, I. I just need to know how to catch salmon. That's all I need to do to be a modern Viking. But I guess first I have to untangle this line, huh?

[A]

Salmon. Totally easy, by the way. Easiest fish ever. Have you seen a salmon?

[B]

I don't think he realizes how big salmon are or where you catch or where you catch. Are the salmon just swimming around Gothenburg? I don't know, they might be, because it's. It's Sweden and, you know, it's a Gothenburg salmon. It's the shape of a pretzel. So Alva's like, I think he has to rely on me for a lot of stuff. Basically. Because he's idiot. So, you know, I know the system here and he doesn't. Which I like that sort of sass. Like, I know the system. Okay, I get it. And I think he's used to being independent and do everything the way he wants to. So I think this is going to be a challenge. Like, he does not know how to be independent. I guarantee he was sleeping in his childhood bed in Atlantic City before he moved out here.

[A]

But she doesn't even hear the sad psychology, like the on the nose psychology of what she just said. She's like, I like him because he can't do anything. He needs me. Like, whoa, Alva. Okay, just lean in. Just lean into that on the nose pop. Psych. So then we see a clip of him not being able to deal and they're in trouble. This is the best. And he does the most Ben Beep ever. Did you know I was going to.

[B]

Say that he gets fury very. By the way.

[A]

And then he does.

[B]

Let's set this up. But he's like, nice. He goes. He goes. But he goes like this. He goes like. Cuz he's. By the way, we didn't really say this because we're making fun of him so much, but he's actually like a very nice person. He seems rather gentle. And then we see him drive and he goes, what the son? Well, that person was on their cell phone. I was like, you handled that just the way I expect a Viking would with not committing to the curse and a gentle honk on the phone. He wasn't on cell phone.

[A]

Okay, so now it's house number three. It's 45 minutes away, which isn't great. Is it minutes or miles? It must be minutes. And Linda, they're like, this is really far, Linda. And she goes, well, there's good trains and buses.

[B]

How do you think I got here? Fuck faces? You know what's far away? You know what? This is also far away from a good deal for me. Okay. I'm trying to get a commission here. So. It's cute. It's actually really cute. This like a blue.

[A]

This is adorable.

[B]

What color blue is that? It's like a Cape Cod kind of blue, if that's a color.

[A]

Yeah, it's like almost a navy. It's like a little lighter than maybe. It's so cute. This house is just so cute. And it is Cape Cody. It's very, like, seashorey.

[B]

Yeah. It's got a big yard for the dog. And I was like, well, we're not out in nature. So, of course I missed that sad face.

[A]

Oh, my God. For Christ's sake, you're walking with nature. His name is Rob. Okay. I mean, okay.

[B]

So this.

[A]

If. If there's anything unscented, it's Rob. Also, the views of this place. We've said it before, but this place is just gorgeous. And to me, it just looks all nature. It does. Like, there's nothing like stucco. Well, I guess stucco's nature, but you know what I mean. There's nothing like, strip Molly about it. It's all made from wood. It's all. Oh, it's just so nice. It's like wood shaker and windmills and it's really cute.

[B]

And it's in, like, what looks to be kind of like Swedish suburbia, which, of course, Swedish suburbia is like. Is like the most quaint, beautiful thing of all time. So they go in. By the way, this is a four bedrooms and one bath house, which, by the way, no complaints in this house about the fact that there's only one bath for four bedrooms, btw. And that bathroom is also downstairs, I believe. So I could be wrong.

[A]

I don't remember.

[B]

But it definitely is only one. One bathroom. So they go in. The kitchen is gorgeous. I love this kitchen because we are so used to the modern farmhouse kitchens, which I like, of course, like the white cabinets or the navy cabinets that are in style right now. The white counters. But this one was like, the counters were all wood, which I don't love wood for a counter because it can be an issue of, like, sanitation. But like, the every. All the cabinets were like a black or, like a very dark color. And it was like the wood accents and the dark cabinets were very, like, inviting to me. It was like, maybe cozy feeling.

[A]

Yeah. HGTV has me trained to not, like butcher block because they're always the cheapest thing. They're like, oh, my God, we're out of budget, so we need butcher block cabinets. And so it kind of trains you to think they're fug. But they are so pretty, and they're just done really well here. I agree. And I love all the stone long tiles, like the subway shape tile. But, you know, I just.

[B]

There's.

[A]

They're not tiles, but whatever stone. So it's really pretty. Very well done.

[B]

I think it's wonderful and actually, like, it doesn't come off as butcher block. It comes off as, like, natural materials. Like, it feels more like, oh, I'm using the. The. The amusing nature here. I'm bringing nature into the house, and I love the dark accents, funny enough, there is a board game review channel that has two Norwegians on it, and they. They film their videos in front in, like, a room that has, like, a black wall behind them. And I think it looks amazing. Like, they look wonderful. It looks like. I think there is a space for, like, black walls or, like, very, very, very dark walls. It can just be totally inviting.

[A]

Yeah. Really pretty.

[B]

Good job.

[A]

Yeah. I'm really liking the dark. The black kind of marbled look instead of having white. Have you seen that? I've seen a few. Few kitchen. I've been going to look at a lot of houses. I love.

[B]

I don't love this.

[A]

It's like, I'm not buying one.

[B]

I don't love super vein. I love.

[A]

I love it now. Like, black. Well, it's veiny. It's white veins.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But it's like black marble with white.

[B]

Yeah, I don't love that.

[A]

Oh, so it's such a nice change with, like, the dark wood. Anyway, who cares? It's not about what I want. It's about what Rob is lucky enough to get to choose. So there they check out this blue house. There's a big yard, but it is surrounded by other houses and stuff. But this one's also only 360, so it's a lot cheaper.

[B]

Yeah. So Alva likes all the storage space in the kitchen. But then she goes, but I see neighbors here in every single window. And Linda's like, well, we're below what you want to pay. So it's a give and take again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

[A]

Linda's like, imagine how they feel. Like their view is Rob.

[B]

Yeah. You know, they're seeing a New Jersey Viking in their neighborhood suddenly.

[A]

And this is one of those homes that, like, stylistically, it's like, wow, they went bold. And it really pays off. Like, the kitchen is very new and, like, modern looking, and it pays off. And then they have this wallpaper that's really colorful and patterned. That's cool. Wow. That's bold. But it's very pretty. And then you go upstairs, and they just couldn't stop themselves. It's like every room has a different wallpaper and then a different design thing. I'm like, okay, they need to cut off the HGTV in this house. Cause I totally get that where you just watch too many design shows, and then suddenly you're like, oh, my God, why am I buying a table saw? To make an accent wall of little. Little pieces of trim painted and stuck to the wall in different shapes.

[B]

But that Being said, I still liked all their wallpapers. I thought it had a lot of character.

[A]

And.

[B]

But the. By the way, the rooms that were upstairs were tiny. And Linda just tries to, like, brush it off. She's like, okay, so we have one bedroom in here to your right. That's good. And another bed. There's another bedroom that's nice too. You can fit one shoe in there. So that's good too, right? And here's another room that's pretty big. Yeah, yeah. Because she also does that thing where she said she ends her questions with a yeah that are kind of like. It's like a challenging. Yeah. Like, you better agree with me right now, because I've already. I've already started the agreement and you have to say yeah back to me. And if you don't say yeah, yeah, you're going to be in trouble.

[A]

It's a tactic I'm very aware of, but it works on me every single time. Where people force you to agree, where they're like, hey, so I was going down the street, right? And I.

[B]

You don't like. You don't like pretzel buns? Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So then later they could be like, wait a minute. We had this conversation. You agreed with everything I said. I said, okay, so they check out this house. There's. There's not enough nature for Alva. Okay. Even though there's a huge balcony that overlooks the city, which is like a card.

[B]

Okay. It's gorgeous. Also, by the way, in this on the. On the second floor, there's also a room. There's like another kind of like, den. It's a nice size room. It has a vaulted ceiling. It's like a place you put your TV and little like sofa or futon. And Rob's like, yeah, well, maybe we can make this into a Viking room or something.

[A]

A Viking room. Oh, my God. Also, this house is so cute. They don't even change one single thing. Oh, sorry, I spoiled it. But this room, you don't have to change one single thing. There's like a big painting of just trees, like fur trees or whatever. It is so gorgeous. Like, who. Who leaves that in the house? This is the most adorable place I've ever seen. I wanna.

[B]

So Alva loves all the colors in it, but of course I want to be a little bit more out in nature.

[A]

Oh, fuck off.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Freaking alpha.

[B]

So she alpha, basically, is like, no, the pressure is really on Rob because he can't change his mind. He's a foreigner. Once he makes his decision he can't move back. It's a whole bureaucratic mess, basically, is what I think she was saying. So Linda, the narrator, is like, being a modern day Viking is about balance, I guess. I don't know if it's really a thing, but whatever. And Rob and Alva are trying to find it while choosing a home.

[A]

Yeah. She's like, life is about balance. And Rob trips over his feet a lot. I mean, I'm just assuming that's neither here nor there. But we're still talking about Rob, who I can smell from here, even though I've never really met him in real life, but still. Gross. What is that? Rock deodorant.

[B]

When I think of Vikings, the first thing I think about is moderation and balance, don't you?

[A]

So they start talking about the houses, and they get rid of the first one right away. The one that's close to the city and too small.

[B]

Too small, too expensive.

[A]

And Alva's like, house tours in nature. I'm like, okay, Alva, we get it. You want to fucking kill this man in private. Okay, we get it. But we're all on to. Everyone's gonna check your backyard the second this man goes missing, right?

[B]

And then house three. So I actually think that they're gonna go for House 2, because I think House 2 is actually still a really good option. And I'm like, House 3 was great, but it is 45 minutes from the city and he is a bartender. That's. That is. That is rough. That's a rough commute. So I was like, okay, they're not really gonna consider house number three. But then that seems to be the way it kind of goes. Alva's like, well, I know which one. I'm gonna go for house number two. But then. Then for the house number three, then he's like, I guess I. I got lost in my notes. But they like house number three.

[A]

Like, literally, we're talking about house hunters. But she goes, I can really see us living a Viking life. What are you talking about? With your wraparound?

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Like, what. Why do you guys keep trying to hammer that in? We are so Viking right now with our Cape Cod style navy blue home.

[B]

And Rob is like, you know, I think you're, you know, you're sacrificing being in nature. But the house still feels really connected to the ground around it. Like, is that because it's actually connected to the ground around it?

[A]

It's literally connected. He's like, God, I love living like a Viking. This microwave Nothing has been more Viking. Would you. Would you like a Pop Tart?

[B]

Our dual oven. Our stacked dual ovens, just like the Vikings always wanted in their forges. So. So he goes.

[A]

And so they walk a lot with their dogs because there's a forest nearby. And he goes. She goes, oh, I'm actually. I look forward to releasing the dogs in that yard. And he goes, you mean release the hounds? And she just looks at him like, shut up, stupid.

[B]

I don't get it. So three months later, they're jogging, and Rob is like, well, I kind of underestimated how much this house was going to make a difference in our life. Turns out your back feels so much better when you're not sleeping on a futon. Wow. Big difference.

[A]

Yeah. And she has. The second living room is our Viking room. And we see the.

[B]

The Viking room.

[A]

This tour is so ridiculous.

[B]

It's exactly the same, except they added. So they added two, like, leather chairs, like Barcaloungers, and then they added a. A welcome mat that's the shape of a dog bone to the.

[A]

And wasn't it like a cowhide?

[B]

And there was. No, there was a cow.

[A]

Like an animal skin rug or something.

[B]

There's like a. There's like some sort of, like, cowhide rug. But then by the. There's a little door to the porch and they put out a little. A little mat like a. For your feet that's the shape of a dog bone. I was like, oh, wow. Real Viking. Real Viking right there.

[A]

That's some real Uhtred shit right there, guys. Well done. All right, well, that brings us to the end of House Hunters International. Thank you, Holly, for the suggestion. If you want to send one to us, watch what crappensmail.com with the subject line.

[B]

Dwell.

[A]

Hello, suggestion. Eh?

[B]

Thanks so much and we'll catch you on the next one. Bye.