A (2:54)

Yeah. So no matter how hard we try. We cannot help this show, okay? We. Not that it needs our help. It's like one of the biggest shows in the world. But we love this show. We want everybody to watch the show. You guys, one platform has a certain season number and episode number. Then another platform is a totally different season number and episode number. And now you're even doing different titles on different platforms. Get your shit together. You've got 9 million shows. And listen, we are the worst at organization. We've got 2,000 something episodes. Nothing's organized. No one can find shit. So that's us saying it. And that's pretty bad if you get us to complain because I know more messes.

B (3:29)

And then they also organize them by volume on. On Max. Like why are you organizing them by volume? Just say season, year. I don't know why. But this one, for whatever reason, if you're looking for this episode, I don't know why it's organized like this, but it is listed under dollars and cents. S E N S E in Florida. It's so bizarre.

A (3:51)

It is.

B (3:52)

I don't know why. But the good news is, you know, we had to work hard to find it. But it was worth it in the end.

A (3:57)

It was worth it.

B (3:58)

It was worth it. So thank you.

A (4:00)

We had to work harder than ceiling in this fucking ribbon twirler's house.

B (4:05)

We had to work harder than the lady in this. In this relationship pretending that her man was attracted to her.

A (4:13)

We had to work harder to find this show than that man has ever gotten for this girl.

B (4:19)

Yeah. So this guy. Well, I have a lot of things.

A (4:21)

To say, by the way. We know that this is 2024 and you're not supposed to speculate on someone's sexuality and that's so gauche and blah blah, blah. Well, guess what? Today is not the day that that rule is going to be followed because this isn't even speculation. This is just clearly reading a sign that's out there and good for him. I would not let this person go over to the heterosexual side. This is a homosexual. He was born a homosexual. He's going to stay a homose. I want him on our side. He's doing a great job. He's gorgeous, he's talented, he works hard. He's cheap as fuck.

B (4:59)

I don't know if he works hard, to be honest. I don't know if he works hard.

A (5:01)

He works out hard.

B (5:02)

He works out hard. Yeah.

A (5:04)

This doesn't count.

B (5:04)

He is like. He is truly like every hot gay man and we ho. Who is just Just, just trying to just, you know, couch surfing and, and trading in his good looks to get ahead in life. You know, that's what this guy's doing.

A (5:21)

And he has, he doesn't have that self confidence of having his teeth done yet. So he's still like kind of nice, you know, because I feel like everyone who comes to West Hollywood has that moment where they're kind of humble because they haven't been like fucked ragged by all the horrible people there and they haven't had their teeth done yet. So they just, they feel like less powerful than they're gonna feel in a couple of months. And then they turn into monsters. So we got him while he's still.

B (5:48)

Fresh, you know, but he's also like, he's also such an actor. He's like really, he's like a Venn diagram of all these hilarious things, you know, actor. Like very clearly a gay man hasn't had his teeth done yet. And he just has all like, it all swirls together in such predictable and hilarious ways because she, like this lady is clearly the breadwinner in this relationship and she has to dumb down everything in her life for him and the entire episode. And it is hilarious to me.

A (6:21)

Yeah, this girl just, I mean, she doesn't even just make cookies. She makes gorgeous artistic cookies. I mean, they're beautiful cookies. And she's with somebody who doesn't even eat cookies. I mean.

B (6:32)

Yes.

A (6:32)

What kind of torture is that? I mean, this, this lady really does.

B (6:36)

Just while holding down two different theme park jobs. It's like she does it all. And then he has his one gig, like, you know, juggling milk cartons on stilts over at Disney for half a, half the week. And they have to move everything and all the budget for his schedule. So like he's like, he's, he has all the self involvement of a straight man, which I think still just. It, it still often carries over when you're a gay man too. But he has like this.

A (7:02)

I was gonna say, I think that's a man thing.

B (7:05)

That just might be a man thing. But it's hilarious. Anyway, let's get in with. Let's start with it. So Linda, our narrator goes. Mary, I'm sorry, I'm talking about the woman here in case there's confusion.

A (7:15)

Mary, in case anyone thinks I'm hurling out slurs in the first two seconds of this show.

B (7:21)

Look at this. Mary, I'm talking about Mary, the lady on screen.

A (7:26)

Well, this friend of Judy and Mary.

B (7:31)

Mary and Mary are on the hunt.

A (7:35)

Mary and Nellie Are on the hunt for a house in Florida.

B (7:39)

Since they both perform in their personal lives and also at local theme parks, they have a unique wish list. He's like, she just want to do the splits on something, and she wants an erect penis in her life.

A (7:54)

And then Mary is like, oh, my God, what a high ceiling. We're thinking of putting silks in here.

B (8:00)

You know what doesn't have a high ceiling? The future of this relationship.

A (8:06)

Let me tell you what ceiling is not made out of glass. The one on this relationship.

B (8:13)

So, yeah, we see Mary being like, so, Tyler, you're thinking about putting silks in here? Yeah. When it comes to seal the ceiling in here, like, with a slant, you like, do you get enough height in here for some silks?

A (8:23)

Yeah, that's like. That's a silk height. And Linda's like, mary's the primary buyer. Duh. Insecure. And Tyler will be paying, quote, unquote, rent. Sorry I couldn't just air quote, but no one can see me on this show.

B (8:40)

Tyler is paying rent, but he's not spending money. Instead, he is paying, through his words, viewings of soap dish.

A (8:55)

Tyler's like, yeah, so she's gonna have the mortgage, But I can, like to pay about $6 for rent. So $6. And considerably higher amount of hotness than she possesses on her own. So, Mark.

B (9:10)

Yeah, I'm, like, really hoping to stay around $800. What I love about Tyler, by the way, is that he. We're not exaggerating. This is what he really sounds like. This. Yeah, my name's Tyler, and I'm like an aerialist. And, like, I just really only want to spend 800.

A (9:26)

Yeah. And Mary is like, don't go crazy. Okay. But this house is $400,000. Which, by the way, I'm moving to Florida. I mean, every time we see some city on this show, I'm like, bye. That's amazing. 400,000. Now, the houses are terrible in plastic, but still, it's nice. So Tyler's like, well, I don't know if this is something like. I mean, we have to, like, look at what we're willing to spend, right? She's well, maybe you're not willing to spend it, Tyler.

B (9:52)

And he's like, but I am.

A (9:53)

I also have a cookie business, so.

B (9:56)

And he's, like, shocked. He's like, what? Also, this is around this point is when we realize he has a surprise man bun. Because in the beginning, we think he's not man bund. But then it turns out there's a whole ponytail that's been bundled up in the back of his head. So there's like a lot of surprises and we haven't even really properly started the show. Yeah.

A (10:16)

And it's not really a surprise, but it's something that, you know. The only person I think watching, the only person involved in this show that's going to be surprised by anything in the future is Katie, Mary, whatever her name is. Mary. She's the only one who's going to have any. No one else involved in the show is going to be surprised by shit, I can tell you that much.

B (10:34)

Well, there may be one other person who survived surprised, and that might be Mary's mom, who is sort of like a Paula Deen type, but, like, not. So we go over to Winter Haven, Florida, and Mary Tyler, and it's really hard to not say more, by the way, Mary Tyler and Mom, Mary Tyler, Mom.

A (10:54)

I'm sure it's hard for him, too.

B (10:59)

Gotta do it. So they're standing in the dining area talking about places and. And the mom sort of has that awkward thing of like, okay, Susan, you're on camera. Stand properly.

A (11:10)

Where?

B (11:11)

My hands on the side, Hands on the left, hands down. What do I do? Come on, it's your moment, Mary.

A (11:17)

This cracks me up because they're like, talking shop, you know, as they do on the show. And Mary's like, oh, yeah, Mom, I'm trying to pull a costume for that gig we've got coming up. Pull a costume? What theme parts are you working for? Don't they give you costumes? I mean, Jesus Christ. I know they can't all be Disneyland, but, yeah, just. They're making the fucking stilt walker and the silk splitter get their own costumes.

B (11:43)

I'm Mary. I'm a stilt walker, puppeteer, performer, person in denial. And I work at the theme parks in Florida. And he's like, hi. And I'm Tyler, and I'm a performer.

A (11:54)

Yeah, I'm an actor. And I'm also a performer, which is different than an actor because performers perform. An actors act. And also I'm an aerialist, which is like a performer, but in the air.

B (12:07)

So, yeah, this career can be extremely rewarding and, like, making memories for people on their family vacations. It's just, like, so powerful. And then we see a picture of them on stilts, and they're in, like, white, and they look like they're wearing cotton balls or something. And he's like, in this blue thing or whatever. They look horrifying. And she's like. Like a child's eyes when they see you nine feet tall, I'm like, you mean when you inflict trauma on children for the first time? No kidding. When you see the look of fear.

A (12:37)

In that child's eyes as a gigantic person heads towards them in some theme park too cheap to get them costumes.

B (12:46)

I know where you see the glue from the. Keeping the cotton balls onto your armpits.

A (12:53)

So Tyler's like, we're basically life changers. Mare. And she's like, yeah, well, we've been together for two years, and it's definitely time to take the next step. He's like, yeah, well, I'm so excited to move in with Mary and see if, like, what's next in my life. I mean, first I was an actor, then I, like, raised the bar, became a performer. Then I raised the bar all the way to the ceiling and became an aerialist. I just keep chopping myself. No pun.

B (13:19)

Yeah. And when we talk about taking the next big step, it's really like a big step because we're on stilts. So then the mom's name is Karen, actually. She goes, so when you go into a new house, there's always expenses that you don't expect. Expect. Like, where are you gonna put mom, huh? Gotta have a bedroom between you crazy kids. And Tyler's like, yeah. And Mary goes, yeah, I'm thinking, like, we could probably do450,000, but, like, the total mortgage, probably about, like 2400amonth. So your share would be about 1200amonth if you split in half. Tyler, it's like 1200 is almost double what I'm paying now.

A (13:55)

Tyler, where are you living? Boarding house? Come on, Tyler.

B (13:59)

This is a 2023 episode. You're paying 600amonth, Tyler, where do you live?

A (14:05)

But we also, you know, we're giving Tyler the most in this episode, but also Mary, because that's not fair. You get the mortgage, and then you get to pick the house and you get all the equity in the house. But some, you know, twink you're dating is paying half that mortgage. I don't think that's necessarily fair. I mean, he should be able to say, I'm only paying this much money. And if you want to go get something crazy above that, then go ahead, ladies. But I'm not paying an extra $100,000 because you want cookie. Cookie drying fucking countertops.

B (14:36)

Okay, well, you think Those Liza Minnelli CDs are going to pay for themselves if, you know, like, let Mary have her cookie counter because someone's got to fund that music collection. Okay, listen, if he's going to be putting in demands about being close to his theme park.

A (14:50)

True.

B (14:50)

And then she has to be an hour away from her other theme park, but she's paying all the money for that. No, no, no, no.

A (14:56)

He's got is the one, as we'll see, who walks into every house and claims the bonus room. It's like, oh, my God. I'm putting silks in there.

B (15:05)

He also, by the way, he seems like a very lovely and sweet person, but also very dumb. Very, very dumb, as we'll soon see. So. So she should just get extra money just for having to pretend to laugh at all his jokes.

A (15:22)

Yeah, like, you like me. That's why I send you a little extra money every month if you pretend.

B (15:29)

To laugh at my jokes. No, I laugh. I laugh genuinely at all your jokes.

A (15:32)

Oh, you liar. Never stop lying to me. So Mary's like, funny, huh?

B (15:39)

I said, you're funny.

A (15:40)

I love you. Let's get a house we can hang silks in.

B (15:44)

Yeah, let's hang silks.

A (15:46)

Mary's like. Tyler's like, well, I'm gonna be renting, so I don't want to go above, like, 325. And Mary's like, yeah, well, I'm skeptical. And listen, I'm skeptical as the first time you put your hands under my bra, okay? You're not going to find something that doesn't need major renovations for that price, Tyler. But we can look.

B (16:05)

Well, I do kind of, like, I really like the idea of doing projects. Like, I think it's, like, really cool to make, like, a home, your own, you know? And she's like, yeah, that's lovely, but I don't want to do those renovations, okay? I've done projects.

A (16:17)

Look at you.

B (16:20)

Look at you. Look at you. You've got the man bunny.

A (16:26)

I was thinking of, like, remodeling something, like her haircut.

B (16:30)

I was thinking about remodeling something with you, like, your career prospects.

A (16:38)

So the mom's like, oh, gosh, you guys are so busy, you don't have time to remodel. There are plenty of children to terrorize theme parks.

B (16:47)

Yeah, but, mom, if we go below that, like, what we're gonna. Like, if we go below, we go below 450,000. We're not going to get four bedrooms? What? Why don't you do need four bedrooms?

A (17:01)

She's one of those people who's like, we need a house that's big enough to fit my entire family for when they come visit.

B (17:07)

No, no, not in Orlando.

A (17:09)

Listen, who are these? Yeah, no, everyone's going to use your house as a Holiday Inn. I purposely look for places my family will hate and they can't fit into. I don't want my family coming to visit. Get a hotel.

B (17:21)

It's one thing when we watch these shows where someone moves off to Kathmandu and they're like, I want to have a guest room for my family visits because the family's flying halfway across the world and it's just easier. Orlando is built for tourism. There are hotels. You do not need to house the city of Buffalo in your guest rooms. Get something you can afford, you dum dums.

A (17:43)

Yeah, exactly. Oh, geez. I just slammed my phone down the table like, y. Idiots.

B (17:48)

Boom. So.

A (17:49)

So let's see what happens next. So. Oh, God. So now they talk about what they want. So she wants room for her dumpy family because, you know, they're dumpy. I'm sorry.

B (17:57)

Totally.

A (17:57)

And Tyler is like, well, every time we see a house that has a southern touch to it, I can't help but love those, cuz I'm from Mississippi, so I love colonial.

B (18:08)

Yeah, I love, like colonial and Victoria Victorian style architecture. Back where I'm from, like, we'll see like comms on that front porch. Just like the best. Mary's like, hmm, I prefer a Craftsman style. That's like me. I love doing. I love doing projects. No, not a literal craftsman. I want Craftsman style. And like, the house I grew up in Buffalo had some beautiful stonework. And it's just. It's so homey to me and familiar to have that Buffalo stonework here.

A (18:34)

I have to say, I've seen a lot of episodes of this show and I've never heard anybody say, you know what? I just want it to look like Buffalo.

B (18:46)

It's also an interesting variation where we have the woman instead of the man saying, I want to look like the house I grew up in. And then. So then Ty Tyler says this. He just said he's really into things that look, you know, colonial and Victorian. He goes, I just gravitate towards those modern finishes. Like things that have like a sleek black metal look, you know? And Karen goes, sounds kind of industrial. Yeah, I love industrial modern. But make a colonial.

A (19:12)

I love industrial modern colonial columns.

B (19:16)

Could we have like an industrial modern, Victorian colonial house, perhaps?

A (19:23)

Mary's like, I like traditional, like, you know, white trim, a husband who likes filling me up. I started a cooking a cookie business on the side, so counter space is a big deal. And Tyler's like, yeah, and every time we walk into a place with high ceilings, I think, wow, that really elevates the space. Yeah. Tyler. Cause it's literally high.

B (19:46)

It just feels taller for Frank's sake.

A (19:48)

Tyler.

B (19:49)

And then Karen goes, yeah, you need something tall enough to wear your stilts inside. And then she just starts cracking up. That was good. You guys catch that on camera. Catch that, catch that.

A (20:01)

Cause you know, Karen walks around like, oh my God, Mary is a stilt walker. Can you imagine? And guess what she founds A guy who hangs from strings doing the splits.

B (20:11)

I already was the shortest one. This family, now you gotta rub it in. I told your aunt that one.

A (20:17)

That's why I always tell people don't only have one child. Am I right?

B (20:23)

Sin Tyler says, yeah, I have a few friends that I work with that are aerialists as well. And they also have their own setups inside their house. So, like, I just kind of like want to have my own. Here's what I want. I want an aerialist setup in a modern industrial, colonial, Victorian house.

A (20:39)

Farmhouse as well, please. I please have a barn door that slides to reveal the bathroom.

B (20:44)

Barn door. But brutalist architecture in a Victorian style.

A (20:48)

So we the first house brutalist, like Chip and Joanna.

B (20:55)

I also want it to be futurists, also like Chip and Joanna, but also.

A (21:00)

From a bygone era. Like Chip and Joanna.

B (21:04)

I want it to look like Ms. Van der Rohe. But like Chip and Joanna also.

A (21:10)

I want to fuck it like Chip and Joanna.

B (21:12)

I want to look like the Guggenheim. But if the Guggenheim. Mermaid's eye. Chip and Joanna.

A (21:20)

So they drive around and first up is Claremont Tyler works in the theme park 20 minutes away, which is very convenient for him, as you'll find out is the theme. Mary works there part time, but it's 45 minutes from the park. Mary works at half the week. So who do you think is going to win this one, by the way? I'll give you one guess. It has a man bun and does splits on columns and farmhouses.

B (21:45)

This is very much an SAT question. First house is in Claremont, a 20 minute drive to the theme park. Tyler works at full time and Mary works at part time, but it's 45 minutes. The other theme park that Mary works at half the week, how much time does Mary spend in the car?

A (21:59)

But if the train is 20 minutes late to Mary's theme park, how terrified will a child be when Tyler approaches them with silks and. And stilts?

B (22:07)

So Tyler has this habit whenever they go into a house that they open up the house the Front door. And he just barges in first. He doesn't even let his. His girlfriend go in first. Did. Did you notice that? He just goes right on in. Typical self involved male actor. So house won $450,000. And Mary goes, oh, my God, look at all this brick. I love that. And Tyler goes, y' all kind of looks like Buffalo. Literally nothing about this house or any of the houses look like Buffalo, New York.

A (22:40)

It's also one of those houses that's just like that real cheap, like, strip mall exterior. Like that kind of adobe stuck. The cheapest stucco that you can get. And it's a big square box, but they've got big square, like, cutouts in the front. And he goes, oh, my God, there's columns. It's like colonial.

B (22:59)

He is just. I think he's just, like, grasping to do his role in this show. He's like, yeah, look at those Buffalo columns. It's like we're actually at the Buffalo stadium that that Buffalo team plays at. She's like, yeah, it definitely reminds me of Buffalo.

A (23:13)

If I say colonial enough, I can put 1776 on my resume.

B (23:18)

And I love the columns. It's like, almost got a colonial vibe to it. Like, not. There's not. This is not. There's nothing about it that looks like Buffalo or a colonial. Like, it's just. There's a. There's something. There's a pillar. There's a pillar that's holding something up.

A (23:36)

This is an absolute shit box, by the way. Okay. So then they meet their real estate agent, Amber. And Amber wakes me up, guys, I've worked, okay, I've worked with Mary Ann Tyler in a performance aspect, because when I'm not an agent, I work at theme parks.

B (23:53)

No, no, Abort the mission. But then she says this thing that she feels like is revolutionizing real estate. She goes, my methodology in finding a home is based on the trifecta. You have your price, your location, and the quality of home. Well, well, Ronnie, consider my mind blown. I never even knew you considered those three things in a house. But here comes Amber with her trifecta, turning everything upside down.

A (24:20)

I know Amber is that person that you know right away isn't just a stilt walker. You know, you're like, amber's more than that. And she's like, you bet your ass I am. Because I've got a trifecta in mind. And it's not just Huey, Louie and Dewey, okay?

B (24:34)

Price. It is price, location, and quality of home. That is the trifecta really has nothing to do with shrubbery on the outside. No, no. Common. Common misconception.

A (24:44)

Interest rates have nothing to do with anything. Okay.

B (24:48)

Okay, guys. Well, this location is a little farther out. You know, the price is very high, but the quality of home is unmatched. So that's one part of the trifecta I'd like to point out. And it's compare. It's unmatched compared to anything else we've seen in the listings.

A (25:04)

And this one's a 450, and it's the tippy. Top of your budget, guys, but let's make an effort, shall we? And Tyler's like, oh, my God, where does that leave us? Monthly? That's not an even number.

B (25:17)

450 divided by 2. Is that like 300? Because that's my budget. And Amber's like, well, I would say it's like 27. 2,800 per month. It's like, wow. So she says, it's a really good quality house. And just look at these vaulted ceilings. I just wish there were more room in the trifecta for vaulted ceilings. But unfortunately, only three aspects.

A (25:42)

Tyler's like, wait, I'm still thinking about mass. So if I'm only paying 27 currently. And Mary goes, tyler, it's a lot more. He goes, okay, got it.

B (25:57)

Hey, so where can I get effecta? What do you mean? Well, you said I should try fecta. No, it's. It's a word, Tyler. Trifecta's a one word.

A (26:06)

Oh. I thought it was, like, when people ran away from Russia.

B (26:10)

I thought it was like a new sweetener, like Splenda, but it's called fecta.

A (26:18)

I thought it was, like, the F word in Yiddish. That was for cocktail.

B (26:24)

I thought it was, like, Italian bread. Focaccia.

A (26:30)

I thought it was like a man's penis. Okay, that's just. Tyler, come back. Tyler, come back. Tyler.

B (26:36)

Sorry.

A (26:36)

I daydream sometimes. Whenever. Whenever I try to figure out math, I start daydreaming.

B (26:43)

Does anyone have a glass of lemonade? So I can sit out the front of this very colonial house and pretend I'm in the deep south?

A (26:49)

Guys, I need to think on this in front of a column. Brb.

B (26:55)

Tyler, stop trying to. Stop trying to do aerialism from. From that column. Sorry, I was trifecting. So there's a lot of counter space, and. But it's not useful counter space for Mary, because she's like, no, no, this is next to the. This is next to the sink. And I have to worry about what are my cookies, because you know that Tyler Comes in and just starts splashing around in that kitchen. Tyler, why are you putting that spoon under the faucet? Oh, sorry. I didn't see your cookies right there.

A (27:34)

So now they have an outdoor patio and an indoor pool, and they've got one of those Florida indoor pools, you know, so the gators don't get you. I just love living someplace. You have to, like, build a pool inside so you don't get eaten a lot.

B (27:46)

You have to be in the zoo. Yeah.

A (27:48)

Yeah.

B (27:48)

It's like, this is great. Like, a pool and everything. And Mary goes, pools are fun. I've never owned a pool before. Like, yeah, but it's gonna be expensive. Yeah.

A (27:58)

She's like, I know. They tend to come with upkeep and electric bills. I mean, it's basically like swimming in a. Tyler, am I right?

B (28:10)

I wish we're not doing video, and I kind of wish we were doing it, because the face you just made was amazing.

A (28:16)

Can you hear this thing I'm using, by the way? Am I making everybody crazy?

B (28:20)

No, I can't. I didn't. I never knew it even made noise. I thought it was just a. I thought it was just a. Ronnie's lasering himself. While we discussed this, the second we.

A (28:29)

Stopped doing video, I started doing red laser light on my face. I'm like, get a facial while I'm here, kids.

B (28:36)

Yeah. So they. They like the pool and everything. And then they go into the bedroom. There's tall ceilings, and then there's a bonus room. And I was like, oh, my God. Look at the tall ceilings in this bonus room. I could totally hang a Rick in this tiny room.

A (28:50)

Yeah. And she's like, yeah. Amber's like, oh, my God. You could work out in here, Tyler. It's like the trifecta of bonus rooms.

B (28:58)

And then there's, like, they go to the primary room, and there's, like, a barn door. And she and Tyler's like, oh, I like this barn door. It has, like, a nice black metal finish. It's kind of modern.

A (29:08)

Like, that's what I like. Black and metal.

B (29:12)

Yeah. It's like you're on the set of Sliver. It's so modern.

A (29:15)

She likes Craftsmans, and I like blacksmiths.

B (29:20)

I like things that are hard and black. So I was like, this house is, like, pretty much move in ready, which is nice, but I like to be able to put my own touch on things, and this house doesn't really allow for that. And when it comes to the price, it's, like, not really a perfect fit for me.

A (29:35)

So I love when people say that. I really have to remodel it or it's not going to be mine.

B (29:40)

I'm not sure I trust Tyler. It makes me think of Homer.

A (29:45)

Seems like.

B (29:47)

Yeah, it's not like. He's definitely not like a. Like a Jeremiah. Whatever. His face was former the bullfrog. No Jeremiah stunt or strock or stupid or whatever. Jeremiah. Brent Brock. Brent. You know, he is the gay who was Rachel Zo's assistant and then wound up marrying the other gay who's a home improvement guy.

A (30:10)

Oh, right. Doesn't he do the videos now? He's like, I'm Lisa Rinna. Brad Goretsky.

B (30:16)

No, that's Brad. No, Jeremiah. Okay, look, I'm gonna look up his name.

A (30:19)

Oh, Jeremiah. He married Nate from Rock the Block. They have that show, and Jeremiah br. Hate each other's guts.

B (30:26)

They have, like, very boring chemistry. Yeah.

A (30:29)

Yeah. They have, like, kind of Amanda Kyle energy, but they're both Amanda. Whoa. Like, oh, my God. Gold fixtures. Good choice, honey.

B (30:37)

Wow. And we have breaking news about Jeremiah Brandt. 3 hours ago.

A (30:41)

Did he die?

B (30:42)

No. He is replacing Bobby Burke on Queer Eye.

A (30:46)

Whoa. That's gonna cause problems in that relationship because Nate's used to being the bigger one.

B (30:53)

Yeah. What's Nate Burkus right now? Does Bobby Burke. Did Bobby Burke have an issue with someone?

A (30:59)

I literally don't watch that show. I can't watch Queer Eye because they're, like, trying to make it this, like, oh, my God. It's positive. Listen, today's Queer Eye is about an abused giraffe who just doesn't know what color jeans look good on it. We're gonna work through this with said giraffe until we find an emotional place where everybody's like, oh, off my God. That's not why people watch that show. I hate that feel good crap. It's like that try hard like, we're good people crap. I just don't buy it. I don't believe you're good people. There, I said it. You're faking it.

B (31:32)

Well, yeah, I. I watched, like, five or six episodes of it, and I was like, I love this show. So, like, this makes me feel so good. And then all of a sudden, I just sort of stopped. And then I was like, I think I got enough. And I don't. I don't know, Karamo kind of. I feel like Karamo's super, super fake. And then I did like Bobby Burke, though. So apparently, Bobby Burke hasn't has a feud with tan France, so Tan France also annoyed me because he would just put guys in, like, shorts and then, like longs. Like, he put, like, them in polo shirts or something and, like, roll up their sleeves. I felt like that was the same thing every time. But Bobby Burke and Tan France have a feud, which is why Bobby Burke left the show, I think.

A (32:12)

Oh, wow. I only know about the one who came out with the cookbook, because it will never. There were a couple of good recipes in it, and I got it for a gift. But one of the ones I'll never forget. He's like, frozen peas. Take pizza and squeeze some lemon on them.

B (32:30)

That's what he did on the show. He's like, avocado toast. Slice some avocados, put them on a toast, and then you totally have a meal.

A (32:39)

Anyways, like, fingernails. Bite your fingernails off and then eat them. Okay, that'll be $30 for this recipe book.

B (32:48)

Anyway, so speaking of this, Queer Eye. So now we go back and Tyler is. Mary really likes this house a lot. She. You can tell she really, really likes it. And it's a close commute for Tyler, but it's a bad commute. Bad commute for Mary. And he goes, I don't know if this is something that, like, we're looking. That we're willing to spend. And this is where she goes, what you're willing to spend? I say, wow, like, you think, like, you can pay this much? Like, this is like a lot of money. It was like, really a lot.

A (33:17)

Yeah. And you know who wants to Tyler?

B (33:21)

Amber.

A (33:22)

Because we find out that Amber, no matter where they go, Amber is purposely trying to get Mary 45 minutes away so they always know when she's on the way home.

B (33:32)

Just a bunch of ladies who've never had a lived a sheltered life barking up the wrong tree.

A (33:39)

So now they're driving and talking. And Mary goes, so Tyler, guess what I was reached out to do. Living statues. They reached out to me.

B (33:50)

Have you ever heard of that? It's like where you're completely painted.

A (33:54)

He was like, wow, what have they heard about you in bed? Jk?

B (34:00)

Mary goes, it would be really cool to add that to my resume. I'll put it right after non wet cookies.

A (34:07)

Hey, let me give you a hint. You can put it on your resume. Anyway, what are they gonna call the Living Statue Police? Like to find out whether or not you're alive.

B (34:15)

Hold on.

A (34:16)

Or they can go to city hall and look up the registry of living statues.

B (34:20)

I need to check your references. Do you have a local. Do you have a transcript from mit? We want to make sure. That you took enough classes in living statuary to qualify for this position.

A (34:35)

That killed me. He's like, that would be so cool because you'd have a metallic costume for that. She's like, yeah, If I was 10 Metallica. If I was a 10 statue.

B (34:43)

Stupid. Let's talk about that house. It was like a really great house and has everything we're looking for. And I understand we're gonna have to compromise in certain areas. Oh, yeah. Don't have to talk to me about compromise. I'm living it right now.

A (34:57)

So they go to this other house that's the same style as the house before. Okay. And I think that's. Isn't this one also 45 minutes away? And Ty is like, oh, my God, it has a column.

B (35:12)

This one has just a single column. And it's not even really a column. It's. I mean, it's a pillar. It's not really a column. It's basically there's a doorway and there's like a little overhang with the doorway.

A (35:22)

And.

B (35:22)

And the door is in the corner of like two walls. And so the overhang comes out. So there's a single like square brick pillar that is fake brick or something that's just holding up the, the overhang. And he goes, oh, my God. It's kind of got like a little bit of a southern style vibe with that column.

A (35:41)

It's so southern in here.

B (35:44)

Do you know what they love in the South? Things that have load bearing things.

A (35:50)

No one's more load bearing than me. That was my nickname in high school.

B (35:54)

Mary at this point is trying to ignore the fact that she is in a dead end relationship by focusing on doors. Oh my God. I like that there's a red door. I'll just ignore my idiot, idiot boyfriend who's not attracted to me.

A (36:06)

I have so many loads. I could hold up every kitchen roof in the South.

B (36:11)

Wait a second. Hold on. Talk. Get a load of this, this, this column. Would you say this column is reminiscent of like the Victorian era, but also the South?

A (36:25)

Okay, what if Victorian was played by Joanna Gaines? What do you think, Matt?

B (36:32)

Do you think that, like, maybe this is represents Chip Gaines?

A (36:37)

Okay, so this house is, you know, not gray, but it has this like slope wall. The sloped ceiling.

B (36:46)

Yeah.

A (36:47)

And then there's like cutouts right at the top of the ceiling where it looks. I mean, I guess it's a wall to separate the kitchen from the living room, but it just looks like a temporary wall. But it was designed that way. It's weird. It's a weird design.

B (36:59)

It feels like a weird Airbnb, you know? So he's like, wow, look at this. It's like a tall ceilings. I could definitely put something up there. And Mary's like, no, you're not thinking of putting silks in here in the living room, because. Yeah, but like, when it comes to the ceiling, like, with that slant, you do get, like enough height for it, but you also kind of have to, like, press all the way to the side and then you, like, wind up hitting the wall over there. So she's like, so what you're saying is, no, it's not a good place for silks. Got it.

A (37:31)

Sling silks, whatever. Tomato, tomato. So they go, look at the living room. So this is one of those houses that's like farmhouses. And let's just do the cheapest remodel we can and just slightly make this non farmhouse house, farmhouse style so we can sell it. So they've got like, big logs. Not logs, but like wooden beams with just lights wrapped around it, kind of hanging haphazardly off. And then they've got like a feature wall that's supposed to be shiplap, but.

B (37:59)

It'S just like those plastic strips of laminate or something. It's bizarre. And like one of the laminate this falling off, and Tyler is like, they told me I should like modern touches, so I'm going to try to find modern touches and like them. Hey, look. I like that there's like a black finish and stuff. That's modern. That's cool. I like that.

A (38:21)

And he's like, shiplap. That sounds so southern. Oh, my God. Do you know what you could put against this wall? A bench. Yes.

B (38:31)

Wow. My dreams are coming true.

A (38:33)

I can't wait to have a bench in my house.

B (38:35)

Yeah, we could totally have a bench here. Think of, like. And that's within our budget. So he says. When it comes to Mary thinking about these projects, I think I'm more the brainstormer and the dreamer, you know, visualizing benches and stuff. So, like, when.

A (38:51)

That is so him, though, he's like, oh, my God. I hope she can see my dreams. My dream's about a bench in a living room.

B (38:57)

I really have a vision, a vision of a bench. I really can. I. I can really transform a space. You know what the space needs? A bench.

A (39:05)

Yeah. I want everyone in my home to feel as uncomfortable sitting down as I do.

B (39:11)

Whenever I show her what's possible with the space, I hope maybe she'll see it. And eventually we'll be able to put these things in, you know, like a bench.

A (39:19)

So there's an outdoor patio. And he goes, oh, my God. Think about what you could do. And she goes, we could do a pergola. And he goes, yeah. Or you could put poles, and then you could hang lights from the house on the poles.

B (39:36)

I like that. He's like, I'm the. I'm the dreamer in this relationship. And then they go outside. She's like, yeah, you could do a pergola with some twinkle lights. You can really set that up. Maybe like an indoor outdoor vibe, whatever. Yeah, but you didn't say bench, so you're not the visualizer.

A (39:48)

Yeah, poles are a bunch. What if it was a bench made out of poles?

B (39:55)

Wait, what about you put two poles up and put a bench in between the poles, and then lights hang from the poles?

A (40:02)

So we're gonna be hanging lights on polish people. Right. That's what I.

B (40:07)

That's totally what I read. Is that in the trifecta? So now they look at bedrooms, and there's like, a closet door that's not attached to. And Tyler's like, I can fix that. I can fix that. So what you're saying is that you're good with working with the closet? Yeah, I'm totally comfortable in closets.

A (40:32)

So I like when they were. This happened before, but I forgot to say it. They were looking in the kitchen, and she was, oh, my God, the sink isn't right by my cookies. I guess this means no wet cookies for me. I was like, this poor woman. How many times has Tyler just come in and shit all over her cookies on purpose? Like, whoops. Washing my hands after a really nice hanging from the living room.

B (40:52)

Clearly, it happens all the time, because I don't think this is, like, it should not be a big enough issue that it has to actually become a consideration for your future kitchen. Like, this is a wet cookie situation. I don't know. This is. Feels like we could have a really big wet cookie problem here.

A (41:12)

Tyler is just. And that's the only one in this household who's got that problem. I'll tell you that right now.

B (41:19)

Yes. Because I guarantee he is constantly turning on that faucet at full force, and that water is bouncing off of whatever's in that sink.

A (41:26)

She's never had the problem of a wet cookie around Tyler. So they go look around this weird farmhouse finished house, and Mary's like, there's a lot of small fixes here. He's like, oh, my God. Love it. And the commute's so good for me. Oh, but Mary, I don't want you to hate that drive.

B (41:50)

Also, the. The bathroom in the primary, the ensuite has no door and they're having some issues with that.

A (41:55)

Well, that is weird because that's also that old 80s style where they have half of the bathroom out in the bedroom and then. Yeah, the rest of the bathroom is behind a wall. It's weird.

B (42:05)

Yeah. So now they go off to house number three. And house number three has a good commute to both theme parks, Disney and Universal. And so Tyler's like. And by the way, like, with the price being where it is, I mean, 320,000, like, that's amazing. Mary's like, yeah, you can't beat that. Mary's agent has arranged for them to see a more affordable but smaller house near the theme parks in Orlando. I don't have anything else to say. I'm just so disgusted by these people.

A (42:37)

So I like, did you get this Easter egg that they were showing? They were showing shots of the town and they closed up on like a rainbow painted building. I was like, this.

B (42:47)

That's funny.

A (42:48)

These are our kind of people.

B (42:49)

Yeah.

A (42:50)

So Mary's like, well, we both have commutes here. And he goes, oh, my God. I mean, but it's only 320. Do you know how many ideas that can pay for.

B (42:59)

Do you know that, like, increases our bench budget by like 50%, so we.

A (43:04)

Get to buy so many benches for.

B (43:05)

That extra $80,000 and poles and twinkle lights.

A (43:09)

So Mary's like, we could hire two poles to build benches for 80 grand.

B (43:15)

Mary is like, oh, my God, I love the powder blue door. Everything's fine. My relationship is totally good. I'm not dating a gay man right now. And Amber opens the door and of course, Tyler just barges in. Doesn't let Mary go in first. And Mary's like, wow, it smells like they've upgraded something. I smell fresh wood and paint. I didn't even know you could upgrade in life. I just sort of thought you were stuck with whatever you're stuck with.

A (43:38)

Oh, my gosh. Speaking of upgrading, look at that black brick. I love black things. And Mary's like, oh, my God, that's so your style. Like, it is. I wish it was like brick that had wood grain.

B (43:51)

That brick is like, so modern. Like a colonial and a Victorian and also like the south, but also reminds me of Buffalo.

A (43:58)

It's like, this is so Buffalo.

B (43:59)

Right, Bear?

A (44:01)

And she's like. I noticed though, there's no vault to ceiling, so we Couldn't walk in stilts. But look at the counters. No wet cookies here. Oh, my God, this is so cookie counter.

B (44:12)

And so it has a seventeen hundred dollar monthly mortgage, which Tyler likes. And then there's like. Oh. And then this is a fun little twist that comes out of nowhere. There's a second living space and it has a white wall. And Mary's like, oh my God, a white wall. This is perfect for filming auditions.

A (44:29)

All her friends are going to come over to film their auditions in front of our blank white wall.

B (44:34)

Tyler, get on the camera. I'm gonna be a living statue. It's all gonna happen now.

A (44:42)

So Mary. So they go to the backyard and it's a swamp. And Mary's like, oh my God. Water. This is gorgeous. Hey, Tyler, does this remind you of the south? And he's like, it's a swamp mare. Okay. I mean, we need a fence for sure. Maybe that could be one of my projects.

B (45:01)

Yeah, Classic Tyler. Voluntarily just going down to the water's edge in Florida to build some sort of like rickety pipe cleaner fence. Nothing could go wrong whatsoever.

A (45:11)

Guys, I ran a. I built a fence out of columns on a swamp, but I hang from in cells.

B (45:18)

You know what? The only thing better than a fence is a blank white wall. God, it's so good for auditions with.

A (45:24)

Joanna Gaines painted on it.

B (45:27)

I love a natural. I love a white wall.

A (45:31)

I think we'll get you the job. Like standing in front of a wall with Joanna Gaines painting on.

B (45:36)

If anyone could ever be described as a nice blank wall, it would be Tyler, bless his heart.

A (45:43)

So he goes, okay, so wait a minute, let me do math. So I would be paying $85,000 a month. No Tyler.

B (45:53)

Yeah, okay.

A (45:55)

No Tyler.

B (45:57)

He goes, so like we crunch the numbers. Actually, I just did some crunches at the gym. And then she did some numbers and it looks like it brings the rent. My rent would be like $850. And that's like, it's not that high from where I was spending already. I mean, it's kind of just like something I would expect to increase from year to year and like where I am. And that's fine. It's like really not that big of a deal. And definitely something I could afford. I'm like, oh, thank you, Tyler, for making this big sacrifice. So you're gonna pay 50 extra dollars per month and Mary will be driving an hour to work and giving up on all the dreams she ever had in a house. But don't worry. Thank you. You're making a $50 sacrifice.

A (46:34)

But you are the real hero. Yeah, you're such a good guy there, Tyle. So there's a small bedroom, and Mary's like, well, I'm gonna say one thing about this bedroom that no one's ever said about my boyfriend. It's tight. It's tight. It's tight in here.

B (46:50)

And Amber's like, well, here's something. You could get rid of that second living space and make it a bedroom. And I do believe that makes the quality of the house a little bit better. So hashtag trifecta, Amber.

A (47:04)

Thanks, Amber. Okay, you're getting us a house that we're gonna save $20,000 on that needs $200,000 of upgrades. Sounds great, Amber. I love Amber math. And by the way, have you noticed that Amber never has any questions or never has any answers to numbers questions? Every time they walk into a house, Mary is like, okay, so, Amber, this house is 400,000, which means if I put 20% down, then I would be paying, like, 3,700amonth. And Amber's just like, sure, I work in theme parks.

B (47:40)

What are you.

A (47:40)

Why are you asking me?

B (47:41)

Okay, this is like my culinary.

A (47:43)

To get off a stilts lady. Okay? I'm not doing your math for you.

B (47:48)

Hi. I'm off the clock as Snow White right now, so why are you asking me about numbers? So they, you know, also, by the way, you could see the panic in their eyes when Amber suggested that they turn the second living space into a bedroom. Because they're like, but we just decided that would be our living wall audition space or living. Living statue. Living walls never come over now. I know they're like, this was gonna be our audition. They wanted all their friends come over to take to auditions by that wall.

A (48:18)

Yeah. Literally nobody in real life wants that. Who wants that? Oh, my God. My friends are totally gonna want to use me for my pickup truck. Can't wait to buy a pickup truck. Every time somebody moves, they're gonna call me. No.

B (48:31)

And then they go into the ensuite bathroom, and Tyler goes, well, I do like the modern touches, but this is really tiny. It's like a plunger is not a modern touch.

A (48:42)

So those three real small guest rooms, and Mary is like, love the kitchen. The pond is nice, I guess. And it's 20 minutes from one park and 30 from the other park. Until I was like, yeah, it's small. So now they have to go decide.

B (48:59)

Also, by the way, I also, like, sorry, I just. I can't, because Tyler keeps amusing me when. When Amber's like, you guys can use the living room as. You can use the second living space as your. As your primary bedroom. And Tyler goes, yeah, and then maybe we could use the bedroom not as a bedroom, but as something different altogether. As a dreamer at work, everyone. Look at that vision. It could be bench storage.

A (49:25)

Don't hurt yourself with all that dreaming.

B (49:26)

You'Ve got going on over there, buddy. And Mary's like, yeah, it's too bad the ceilings aren't higher because then you could have. You used your silks. He's like, I know. I'm trolling you, you idiot.

A (49:37)

So then they go to Amber's office to decide, and there's like all these, like, realtor, you know, those things you stake in the ground. It's just a picture of Amber, like, swinging from a trapeze by one leg.

B (49:51)

It just her dressed like Mater from Cars.

A (49:59)

So they have to go decide. And they're talking like, should it be the one with the pool? And is it too expensive? And Mary's like, that one doesn't really have any projects for Tyler.

B (50:09)

Yeah, it doesn't really leave Tyler with too many things that he could put his own personality onto. Luckily, he doesn't have one, but if he did have one, he probably want to make a stamp.

A (50:19)

I'd hate for him to actually put a personality on the blank space slate that is his body. But we can try.

B (50:27)

But look, it does have this, like, nice generic white area for auditions. Oh, wait, sorry, that's just Tyler. That's just Tyler.

A (50:36)

So the next house, Mary's like, oh, my God, that cookie counter could dry.

B (50:41)

Dry cookies. Did you even know such a thing could exist?

A (50:45)

It was like, well, guess I won't be hanging from silks in there. God.

B (50:51)

It's called get a rig outside. So you're in Florida, you will be able to use your rig all year round. So but they don't like the open concept bathroom in the bedroom. And there's a long commute to Mary's park. But then house number three has good counter space. But Tyler's like, yeah, but look at the height of those ceilings. There's no way I can hang an aerial silk rig. I'm like, okay, sorry, sir.

A (51:16)

So Mary is like, yeah, we'd have to, like, renovate things. He's like, are you still thinking about a haircut? She's like, no, Tyler, focus. Okay.

B (51:25)

Amber goes, so, are you going to make a decision based on price, location, or quality of home? Trifecta. It's the trifecta kind of my concept. I kind of came up with it. I'm in the works with trademarking it trifecta.

A (51:44)

So they got house number two, right?

B (51:47)

They got house number two, which is seems about right. I feel like she really liked house number one the most. But house number two was a little cheaper for Tyler and had a space for her to put her cookies. You know, it's also a good space to put your cookies. A table. Is that, like, out of. Or do we do. Do we. Can we not. Is that, like, just not an option? Getting a dining room table and getting some cooling racks and putting them on the table? Is that just not.

A (52:11)

Hey, Mary made your table out of Paul's. She's like, damn it. My cookies, they just keep falling just through the slits.

B (52:19)

Plywood across two. Two benches, table.

A (52:25)

So they. So their friends do come over, but it's not to audition. It is to practice stilts. So they've got another couple that they're like, friend couples with, and they all put on gigantic stilts and just walk around together.

B (52:38)

No, but the worst part.

A (52:39)

How did the neighbors not call the police on them? Because they go out to the backyard. They've just, like, all these adults basically looking over fences.

B (52:47)

This is Orlando, People out. This is the least strange thing in Orlando. But also, here's what I found was so offensive. So, like, they're talking about the house they got. And Mary's like. And look, we got lots of counter space to work with. So guess what happens? Tyler takes his stilts and just puts them on the cookie counter. So you're getting your. Your stilt dirt all over where the cookies are supposed to be.

A (53:10)

That's such a Tyler move. He's like, that's totally where Joanna would put it.

B (53:15)

Yeah. It's also stilt storage. It's, like, very southern, but modern. But also colonial. But victorian. But buffalo.

A (53:22)

Well, she calls them stilts. I call them columns that you can walk on.

B (53:29)

This makes me look more like a colonial. That's all.

A (53:33)

And that brings us to the end of dwell. Hello, everybody. Thanks so much for being with us. If you want to send a suggestion, of course do so. We'd love to hear it. This was one go to watch what crappensmail.com and shoot us something that says dwell. Hello, suggestion. We sure love you guys. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.