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Ben
Acast powers the World's best podcasts Here's a show that we recommend. Greetings Adventurers is the longest running Dungeons and Dragons actual play comedy podcast that has been putting out episodes each and.
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Ben
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Ronnie
I've been listening for 10 years and now I'm a sophomore in college.
Ben
The only podcast I've ever listened to for that long. Like there's nothing better.
Ronnie
There's no limit on what might happen.
Ben
So just be prepared.
Ronnie
Top tier comedy right here.
Ben
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Ronnie
Ding dong.
Ben
Ding dong.
Ronnie
Ding dong.
Ben
Ding ding ding ding ding dong.
Ronnie
Well, hello.
Ben
Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's our watcher Crappin House Hunters recap show exclusively for One Tree Plus. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Thanks for subscribing to Wondry plus and supporting Dwell. Hello. It's always good to have you here. How you doing today, Ronnie?
Ronnie
Well, hello, Ben. I'm doing great today. I just love watching. I love watching people. I love watching food court people thinking they can do better when we all know they probably can't do better. And that is what this episode of House Hunters kind of gave me today. And I'm grateful.
Ben
Yeah, it was good and I felt I was. It was an interesting episode because I could both empathize a little bit with what was going on and also just how I also understood the disdain of, of the situation because board games were involved and that's, that's my chosen hobby. So I was triggered and embracing all at once. But this episode that we recapped came courtesy of our listener Amanda, who suggested it. The episode is House Hunters Newly Single in Chicago, Season 207, Episode 4. You can watch it on Max. Just type in Newly Single in Chicago and you'll find it in a jiffy. So thanks, Amanda, for the suggestion. I was cracking up at this episode. There's a lot of stuff going on. Should we just dive into it, Ronnie?
Ronnie
Let's do it. I'd like to announce, just in case anyone gets confused as I did, I started watching this and I was like, wait a minute. We've done this episode before because we have done of a guy looking for a board. Like a board gamer guy looking for. We have done that before. And I guess because you love board games, so people keep sending us the board game stuff. And it was good. This was a good episode to send, but I thought we'd done it before. We have not done it. This. No show is just leaning into board game nerds, I guess.
Ben
So. I feel so seen and heard. It was great. But also it's, like, understandable that you feel like we watched this before because it, like so many of these episodes do take place in Chicago and so many episodes are like this and are seem to be called Newly Single in Chicago. We definitely saw one with two gays in Chicago that were trying to find a place. So I know that. And a lot of these places in Chicago seem to look the same, so it felt very familiar all at once. But it was brand new. It was fresh.
Ronnie
It was fresh for us, everybody. So we start out with curtain talk. He's like, well, I'm gonna have to buy curtains for the windows. And then the lady's like, I mean, I can pick out the curtains for you. And he's like, I don't want you to pick out my curtains for me. Oh, my God. Now we see why this couple didn't didn't last. She likes curtains that he doesn't like.
Ben
And Linda chimes in and says, brian and Leanne are getting a divorce. In case you couldn't tell. Look at them. They hate each other. Why'd they even get married in the first place? Let me guess. Societal pressure. God, that's a.
Ronnie
Can't wait till they both realize what speed dating means. They're both still screwed. There's no way to speed up the pain in this date on either side.
Ben
Listen, just because you both look like pieces of white bread doesn't mean you should make a sandwich, okay? Move on with your lives.
Ronnie
I will tell you, we see them driving solemnly so I think is a good description of them. They are very solemn.
Ben
We.
Ronnie
We see them driving. And I will say, looking at these two, I would think that they'd work out because they're the same, you know, like, with gay people. There's like, a lot of times you'll look at gay couples and they're dating each other, you know, like, we date twins of ourselves, and it's like. Or at least on the same trajectory. What am I trying to say?
Ben
Well, it's like, you know, a lot of times you look at. There are a lot of these gay couples where you see them and they are like mirror images of each other. And it's also that thing where people talk about how dog owners often like their dogs. People's dogs often look like their owners, or they have, like, that quintessential vibe that carries over to their owners. And I think in this case, we have a situation where you see two people that really just have twin flame energy, twin bland energy.
Ronnie
You know, I'm gonna. I'm gonna say it in the fashion. I mean, they both. It's like a dress barn next to Walmart. Same Burlington isn't a bad one. His. I was trying to place his shirt. I know it's not Old Navy, because I'm an Old Navy. Oh, and that's not Nate. That's not Old Navy colors. So I was guessing Walmart because it's that heathered, you know, I don't know.
Ben
Yeah, but, yeah, sleeve. It's like. It's like a dress barn next to a Van Heusen or. But Van Houston's more formal dress barn next to. Yeah, it's like the Walmart casuals section. Yeah, for sure.
Ronnie
Yeah. Yeah, agreed. So it's. They seem like they would work, basically. And there's the same amount of. Not sun. It's like the same lack of sun. Fashion. There's a lot of rayon with her especially. She really is into, like, a sack of rayon. I don't know.
Ben
I just feel like my fashion perspective is sack of ram.
Ronnie
But it's over and over. You know, at one point, I was just like, every time. Every single time. Leanne, can we make no effort? I mean, you're in Chicago. You're in a metropolitan city. Has nobody told you? Like, listen, if you're going to be a realtor here, we're going to need to work on the sack of rayon. Okay? And at one point, she's like, look at me. I'm fun. I'm in a sack of rayon, but with martini glasses on it. It's not helping.
Ben
That being said, Leanne is, like, definitely out of Brian's league.
Ronnie
Right.
Ben
Like, we can have. We acknowledged this bowling league.
Ronnie
What league are you talking about?
Ben
The league of an extraordinary gentleman. I don't know. I think that, like, I just think that, like, Leanne, like, he should have. He should have done what he should. He should have. He is never gonna have it as good as Leanne. I'm gonna tell you that right now. I'm telling you. I mean, does she hate him? Yes. So that's not good to have in a partner. But, like, definitely, like, he's not. He's not gonna. He's not gonna. What's the term? Like, bat higher than that or he. She's out of his league, I think.
Ronnie
Yeah. Bowl better than that.
Ben
So.
Ronnie
She'S the realtor in this one, and which, you know, is great because she gets to show the fate, the hatred of him on her face, unlike the ones that have to hide it every other week. So she's like, I'm gonna take it to the first one. This first one's really nice, and it's really modern.
Ben
Yeah. Not your haircut, but the house. That's what I'm talking about in terms of modern. Okay.
Ronnie
You're about his haircut.
Ben
Haircut. Yeah. You're sort of stuck in, like, 1972. That's fine. That's fine. But navigating a home purchase and their relationship won't be easy, especially because they're both morons. There, I said it. If you fire me, fire me. But I'm not going to go out without saying my truth. It's like, whoa, Linda.
Ronnie
Wow. However, will two homely people ever decide to live without each other? They're like, the same side of this. The same sad grilled cheese sandwich.
Ben
Wow. It's like having a ham and ham sandwich with no toppings. Enjoy. Hi. I'll have some ham on the side of my ham. Hold the mayo, hold the mustard, hold the flavor, hold the personality.
Ronnie
Navigating a home purchase and their relationship won't be easy. It's two tasteless people inside tasteless properties so much. Not tasting of anything.
Ben
Next thing you're gonna tell me is there's a little girl involved who crawls onto her father's chair and pokes at his butt. Oh, wait, sorry. Got ahead of myself.
Ronnie
And now we see what's happening in this relationship because she's like, navigating a home purchase is not going to be easy. And we see, because it cuts to him going, can I fit My board games in here. And she's just looking him like, don't just die already, Brian, you loser. And he's asserting his independence by like, fine, then I'm gonna leave you and I'm gonna find a place to put board games.
Ben
Leanne just rolls her eyes and she's like, I am like, I am like a Logan Square eight. And he is a Logan Square too. And he's gonna choose freaking Settlers of Catan over me right now.
Ronnie
Wow.
Ben
Wow.
Ronnie
Talk about settlers, both of them. I'm like, you guys already settled. How many more times are you gonna settle? Keep the land you won. You know what I mean? There may not be a well on it, but it's there.
Ben
I sometimes like to say I would play the Settlers of Caftan when I met him. As in, I was wearing a caftan, decided to settle. So I met him. I swiped.
Ronnie
I was a settler. I was a settler with cat tans before I met him. But he's allergic. So how we're just both regular settlers.
Ben
You know, the number one game for a long time was called Gloomhaven, also is the name of our marriage.
Ronnie
So she's like. He's like, well, where am I going to put my board games if my couch goes there? She goes, you can put your board games under the tv. Fucking loser. And he goes, that would be weird. Oh, really? That's weird. Not 107 board games.
Ben
And let me add loser.
Ronnie
So, man, I can't imagine no one wants to sit around talking to Leanne. You're the reason people get hobbies.
Ben
I felt bad for Leanne. You could see that, like, this was. She's like, I married a different man. First of all, when I met him, he wore Banana Republic and his favorite hobby was going to the library for lectures. And now he plays Clank in Space.
Ronnie
These two got married dresses in American Eagle. These are two anti social people who got married because she got knocked up. Basically, I think is what happened because he. Well, he points to her, he's like, she's a weirdo. She has a coffin. It's a bookshelf. And then we see it. She does in fact have a coffin. I don't know how it's a bookshelf because the lid is closed, which I think is hilarious, but she's got a coffin as a bookshelf. And then he buries himself in antisocial behaviors like my music, which means sitting around not paying attention to somebody I know because I engage in that hobby. And board games where it's definitely not involving her So I think it's two people who are like, we're kind of antisocial, but maybe we'll just be right for each other. And then they're surprised that they're antisocial with each other. You know what I mean?
Ben
So we have. We go to the opening credits and everything, and then we land. We're in Chicago. And, like, considering that the preview has shown that we're dealing with a board gamer and the woman who wants to leave him. The music is, like, very upbeat. It's kind of like hip hop dance. I was like, what is this music for these homely people? The music should be like a sad guitar strumming at this point. Not like. Not like some music. Like a dance break.
Ronnie
Yeah. It's like, thank God it's very happy music. So to very depressing people. Because these people would be morose even on their wedding day. Like, these people wouldn't even get this happy music on their wedding day. You know what I mean? I always need a cello for this couple.
Ben
We needed some Yo Yo Ma doing that. You know that piece.
Ronnie
That's copy. There were too many nanas. I didn't recognize it. But there was a lot happen. I just need more of like a wait.
Ben
I need to wait. I need to play this music. Because this music, it's just wild how. How, like, this music does not match. Let's see if I can bring it up. I have the episode right here that. Okay, I'm gonna.
Ronnie
Of course. Ew. I have a fingernail on my keyboard. That is disgusting. I mean, it's mine.
Ben
That happens.
Ronnie
I was biting my nails and I flicked it and I guess it fell on my keyboard. Fingernails are so disgusting. Once they're not on you anymore, like, they're fun, but, like, for two minutes later, I'm like, that is disgusting.
Ben
When they're on you. You're like, oh, these are fun. Let's paint them. Let's do fun things with them. Let's play with them. And then you clip them off. You're like, get out. Yeah, I guess that makes Brian the fingernail in this relationship. Okay, wait, here's the music. This music is so unnecessarily upbeat. Listen up we go.
Ronnie
Yeah, let's go see Mama. I'm 36.
Ben
And do you hear that? He's guiding a little girl up a staircase. The music's like, What is. What is up with that really good mood over there today? Okay, honey, we're gonna go inside the door.
Ronnie
So he's like, I'm 36 and I'm a software engineer. Like, babe, we know.
Ben
We can see you got the software engineer special at Supercuts.
Ronnie
Nothing says you're a software engineer more than your look. You know what I mean? Like, you didn't even have to say the words. Everybody knows Brian, so.
Ben
And by the way, as a disclaimer, Brian, if you are a fan of my side. Board game Podcast. Podcast. You're. You're great. We love you. You're the best. You're so hilarious. Stop listening right now.
Ronnie
Brain game. Check it out. So Leanne is like, brian and I met in college through a mutual friend who I don't speak to anymore for obvious reasons.
Ben
I seem to remember she said, I've got this great guy for you to meet. And then one time she sent an email that said, I. I can't believe she didn't realize I was joking. This is awkward now. And then she said, oh, my God, that was meant for someone else. Please disregard. It's a weird friendship we have.
Ronnie
So, you know, this couple hates each other also because of how they number, like, literally every minute. She's like, we were married about nine years, and we were together 12 years. He's like, yeah, we're currently separated about a year and a half and getting divorced. And we have a daughter who's three and a half years. God, you guys literally got together and just started counting time immediately. We named our daughter's counting time. Honey, have you found a place? It's been 30 minutes.
Ben
Yeah. Leanne's like, yeah, we are. We have a daughter named Everly. Everly, which is short for forever with Leanne. Please get this man out of my life. I'll keep the daughter. Get the man out. I can't look at more board games.
Ronnie
Psychologists thought I probably meant deep down to name her Neverly.
Ben
Like, he never leaves.
Ronnie
Never leave.
Ben
So ever leaves.
Ronnie
So many board games and never leave, which I think is funny too, because they mention a lot. He's like, I have so many board games. But he's never like, I need room to play the board games with people. He's just like, where do I put these board games? Do you think he goes to, like, a board game cafe or something?
Ben
No, he needed. No, at one point, he said he needed a table for the board games. And so she was like, put it under the tv. He's like, no. Well, how are we gonna. How are we gonna watch our video playthroughs? How are we gonna watch our rules tutorials at the tables under the tv? So she's like, yeah, our daughter. He's like, our daughter is. Her name is Everly. She's the same age as what I rate our marriage, 3.5. And she just makes me laugh every day.
Ronnie
So he's like, yeah, the marriage didn't go so well, but as parents, I think we do really well together, right? I mean, we have to. We're on good terms because, I mean, we have to be. No, you don't. You don't need to be on good terms. Have a terrible marriage, have a terrible breakup, molds a child, you know?
Ben
And this is the part where the producers have said to Leanne, can you say something nice about your ex husband? So she goes, brian is very. Smart. I guess he can find a parking space at Trader Joe's relatively well. Not really, actually. I usually have to say, there's one on the left. And he's like, no, but I want to get closer. But I'm like, what's the point of getting closer? You. We could walk three feet. You probably need the walking. And he says, I can get closer. And then guess what? We're looping around. So actually, I take that back. Not smart.
Ronnie
But I will say this about him. My MacBook was never late to date the software, so he was good at that.
Ben
Yeah. Oh, he is really good at cluttering up a space with boxes that have arts of aliens and medieval people.
Ronnie
Okay. So then the little girl is. Oh, no. So then he's like, yeah, well, sense of humor was one of the things I liked about you the most, not being able to come up with anything. But you're pretty quiet, huh? And she is. It's called introspection. Introspection, Brian. And he's like, yeah, well, she does have a coffin for a bookshelf. And she just shrugs. And we see the coffin is the bookshelf. And he goes, that casts a little glimmer into her personality. And she's like, I like it.
Ben
She's like, sometimes I just need a space to hide away from you. So I got a coffin. You know, girl's got a dream. And she's like, you know what? Yeah, I'm. I'm. I'm not quiet. I'm just introspective. It's amazing how marrying someone like you can make a lady just recede into her thoughts and question that, why she ever did the things she did in her life.
Ronnie
I never really understood how turtles felt until I married this person. Lucky, lucky creatures. So Brian's like, well, I'm currently living in our old condo, which we had Together. And so Leanne's already found her house, but now I'm looking for my home. I thought it would be awkward to choose her as an agent, but I thought, couldn't be any more awkward than waking up next to her. All right, Leanne, she's like.
Ben
So I just knocked. I just knocked on the coffin and said, can you show me some houses? And she said, okay, I'll come on out.
Ronnie
When he asked me to be his realtor, I said the same thing as I did when he asked me to be his wife. Sure. I want to be there when you die.
Ben
I said the same thing, though, when he proposed to me. Well, I guess I got nothing better to do right now, so I'll show you some houses.
Ronnie
Hey, this isn't going to make me rich, but it's better than, I don't know, being broke.
Ben
Do I have to play any board games with you in the process? Do I have to play Earthborn Rangers with you again? So you know what I like? I like that you're giggling because, you know, you've never heard of what I said, but, you know it's a real game.
Ronnie
I know these are real.
Ben
It's, like, ridiculous. The funny thing is that, like, I'm basically Brian. So Brian's like, you know what I really want?
Ronnie
You're like a hot, socialized version of Brian. You're like, what? You're like, what? Brian's. What Brian's think they are.
Ben
But that's the nicest thing you could have ever said to me. I'm like, what Brian aspires to.
Ronnie
Yeah, you're like the homecoming king version of Brian.
Ben
Every time I come home with a new board game, I can sense that that Dom wants to give me the look that Leanne is giving Brian all over this episode. But then Dom always says, well, at least it's not meth. He's like, you know what? I'd rather you be addicted to board games than meth. I think that's how he. That's how he gets through. It's too bad Leanne never had that mentality. She probably would still be with Brian to this day. So Brian is like. So this is what's hilarious, too. Brian is like, well, here I am wearing my American Fleegle, which is, as we all know, the Canal street version of American Eagle. I'm really that sad. And I'm a software engineer, and I love board games. I want something chic and modern. I want something chic and modern Chicago.
Ronnie
So she's like, well, you know, I don't know, because you're not going to be able to afford. You know, you want all this stuff, like a backyard and extra rooms. I don't think you can afford. Afford that, Brian, which is why I left you. He goes, hey, I need three bedrooms. Everly needs to have her own dedicated room. And I need space for my office, my board games and my music. It's like, oh, my God, there's so much I don't want to know about you. There's, like, so many things I don't want to do with Brian.
Ben
You know, his music is just like, synthesizer, like, scoring for when he plays Ticket to Ride. Right? Like, it's like, hold on, guys, hold on. Before we start playing this game, let me just press play on this new track I did. It's called Ticket to Rack. Okay, hold on one second. Also, this is where we have the shot. This amazing shot he's sitting on. Like, he's sitting in a chair or like a counter stool. And Everly has climbed under the. She's like, crawled under the chair and is looking up at her dad's ass and just smiling so proudly. She's like, that's my daddy up there. And just starts poking at his butt through the holes.
Ronnie
I love that age when they're too young to know what idiot their parent is. You know, that's like my favorite time when a kid gets to that moment with like, oh, my God, these people are disgusting. Like, I know when dogs do it. It hits dogs when they're about 2 years old and they. I have seen it with both Bueller and my dog before Bueller. Xena. There was just some point where I came home and they would run around in circles for 20 minutes. And then there's some point you, around 2 years old, you start coming home and they just look at you like, this is it, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.
Ben
She's. This is when Everly is too young to realize that she will soon be replaced with a copy of A Feast for Odin, which is about the same size as her. It's a big game. She still thinks. She still thinks she's number one. Her daddy's heart not realizing there's an entire board game collection that comes before her.
Ronnie
Yeah. So we find out that Brian's in a rock cover band, which. Oh, God help us.
Ben
It's literally a band about coverings that go over rocks. Why it's called their number one hit.
Ronnie
Is we put a tarp, stalactite sheets.
Ben
Tarpons and boulders. Tarpons and boulders. You're so rocky. I bet you think the song is about you. You're so rocky.
Ronnie
Tougher to unravel, Taffeta to unravel.
Ben
Let the pebble roll Let it go tumbling all down the hillside. It turns out he' just a Carly Simon cover band that sings about rocks.
Ronnie
Covered in a sleeping band. A sleeping bag.
Ben
So buddy rocks better. Sorry.
Ronnie
So he's like, yeah, and I've got 107 games. Leanne wanted me to hide all my games, and that's why now I'm going to put them all on display. Well, you sure showed her, Brian.
Ben
Talk. Talk about how Stella got her groove back. I mean, waiting to exhale, this is the new sequel he's gonna like. He. He's gonna just light a stack of boxes that he hid his games in on fire and walk away.
Ronnie
No, she has waiting to inhale. She's just like waiting in her coffin. Like some point he'll be gone. And I can inhale.
Ben
I can inhale air that does not smell of 43 year old man child.
Ronnie
Yeah, 100. Yeah, because he's totally lying about his age. He's not 36. He's 43 if he's a day, that's for sure.
Ben
I'm sick of smelling cardboard and plastic figurines.
Ronnie
So he's got a budget of 500k, which I mean, sounds cheap as hell to me in Chicago for a three bedroom with a backyard. But okay, let's, let's see. They seem to work miracles on this show constantly. So let's see what happens.
Ben
Yes. And he says Leon's like, well, I do know the market this year is crazy. Sort of like the market for men when I married him. You know what I do know is you got to know you get what you pay for. That's the lesson. Right? Well, he wants new, new construction. He wants a big place, Big, great outdoor space for all the zeros of people who are going to come over to this nerd's home. But I'm not sure we could do that.
Ronnie
And he wants to be in Logan Square because that's his current neighborhood. And she's like, oh, by the way, what do you think of my new kitchen? He's like, ew, gross. I hate the color of the cabinets. But you know what? I like gray cabinets.
Ben
She goes, yeah, that was a, that was a small test to see if we had any chemistry left. And guess what? You failed.
Ronnie
So she's like, brian doesn't really have a style. Yeah, but Leanne, you're Leanne. I mean, Just in defense of Brian, like, rayon sack.
Ben
You do have a coffin. So, yeah. She's like, he doesn't really have a style. He has more of an absence of style. You'd sit happy, and he'd be happy to sit in an empty room with gray walls and gray furniture. I'm like, wow. I can't believe someone would accuse someone of my community, the board gaming community, of having no style. That is outrageous. That is absolutely outrageous. We are one of the most stylish communities that is in any sort of corner of the world.
Ronnie
We went into a board game store in Nashville because we were just in this neighborhood, and I was like, oh, it's a cafe. I didn't realize it was a board game cafe. And my sister came in there, and I swear to you, covered her purse the whole time. I was like, why are you covering your purse? She goes, I'm not. I said, you are too. You're guarding your purse. I was like, they're homely, not, you know, criminal.
Ben
We're a gentle people. We're a gentle people. Is deodorant sometimes, not always adopted, perhaps, but that sort of. That's an accidental aggression.
Ronnie
I was like, do any of these people really look like they're gonna chase you? Come on.
Ben
Our entire hobby is built around sitting around a table. Okay, we're not moving. We're not moving fast anytime soon.
Ronnie
So she's like, oh, God, you're going to have to, like, decorate this place by yourself. And he goes, yeah. And I'm excited because I can decorate how I want. That's kind of the point. Leanne.
Ben
Coffin. Leanne Coffin. Not. Not rhymes. So she just flares her eyes like, I am really excited to close this chapter of my life. I want to close this chapter on Brian the way I close that coffin door every night when I hide away from him swiftly and authoritatively.
Ronnie
Well, first up, Leanne has picked a place that's a few minutes away from Brian's ideal neighborhood, most likely somewhere that says cotton blends and has no barber. But she has her reasons for this. It's 10 minutes drive from her.
Ben
Leon's like, well, this is an up and coming neighborhood. Or it was until they saw you. And then it became an up and coming up and getting out of their neighborhood.
Ronnie
Then the entire neighborhood did exactly what I did the first time I saw you naked. They stopped coming.
Ben
Yeah, they. They. They're starting to get a lot more restaurants. And before you ask, no, I'm not. I'm pretty sure Paquito mas is not Arriving here. But yeah, it's gonna be. It'll be full of all sorts of places where you can't get dates.
Ronnie
A whole new neighborhood of people to swipe right.
Ben
Lots of women were out of your league.
Ronnie
You swipe left. So house one is a three bedroom, two bath, 1400 square foot. And it's only 100 450k and it includes a garage. It's new construction. This neighborhood must suck because this place is really nice, right?
Ben
Yeah, it looks pretty nice. It's a gray modern building. It's like wedged in between these two older houses. I'm sure they love that. But it's funny because new construction in Chicago is like nice new construction. In other places like la, new construction looks pretty abysmal. But Chicago, new construction all seems to be kind of like this olive, like light olive kind of brickish color with black accents. It all looks very nice to me. So they go in and the construction fences are still up around this place because it's not done. And so Brian's like, wow, when you said new construction, you really meant it? You know, she's like just. I. Yeah, it's kidding. I don't. No.
Ronnie
And the HOA is only 162amonth, which is crazy good. This so far, I'm taking it. I'm taking.
Ben
Yeah, so far.
Ronnie
Yeah, it's a second floor walk up, which you know, is gross. But it's a city, so it's a. It's a farmhouse style. Okay, I'm officially done. Please stop. Just stop at the farmhouse. I live in one. And you know, it's great. I'm not complaining about it. It's already happened. There's, you know, there's no unspilling the milk, if you will. Yeah, but we've got to come up with something else. Come on. How long has this been around? Everything is farmhouse in Austin. Everything is farmhouse. You can't find anything El, except the standard Texas, like, you know, that's. That's another look too, that needs to go away. The granite and the. Yeah, I don't know, we just need something new. I can't with the farmhouse in the city. It just doesn't look good.
Ben
Yeah, this one is like a big, narrow condo. And so the living space, like there's a living room, but it looks really narrow, like you could not get. You could have a sofa and a tv, but you would be hard pressed to put like a chair that's perpendicular to the sofa in there. It has a nice little balcony or whatever. I think it Has a balcony. But on the flip side, one thing I did notice, given how small the living room was, I thought the entire open concept would be small. But there's enough space in there that they were able to stage a table that had six chairs in it, which is actually pretty significant if you can get six chairs. And by the way, as a board gamer, because, you know, by the way, I'm gonna make. I make fun of this guy, but it's not like I did not consider each and every one of these things When I was getting a place, I was like, is there room for me to put the table? Can put a board game on. This is a board game safe table. Like, this is a table that's big enough to put a board game on and have chairs at and have people there. So in terms of that, that's a big up, and that's a big thumbs up in my book.
Ronnie
Okay, well, surely he'll listen to you. I mean, surely.
Ben
Surely that was the plus side. The living room was a shoe box, though, so that was the downside. And the kitchen was also pretty small.
Ronnie
And.
Ben
And then Brian doesn't like the floors. He's like. He's like, oh. He's like, the floors are interesting. Is that a matte finish? And she's like, yeah, you idiot. It's Matt. You're a software engineer. You don't know. You can't tell.
Ronnie
Actually, it was reflective before you showed up, but like everything else in your life, you sucked the shine right out of it.
Ben
Well, at least someone's finishing around here. I just wish I could meet someone named Matt.
Ronnie
So, yes, the white oak matte farmhouse floors, because they're doing this style even in, like, modern city apartments, which makes very little. I know it's called modern farmhouse, but come on. So they've got, like, the wide plank floors and then the same blue cabinets and same, like, wacky, you know, modern tiles. I mean, it's a template, basically.
Ben
It does. It does feel like she's trying to sell them on something. Like, she's maybe, like, improvising here. She's like, oh, yeah. Instead of shiny finishes, like, I've been seeing a lot of matte finishes. And, like, one of the ladies in my office has actually picked out the matte finish. Matt finish is, like, really in right now. It's, like, very up and coming, like this neighborhood. Oh, and also it's, like, very trendy right now to have cabinets of different colors. You know, like, one color up top, another down below, you know, so this is a great Place, and you should move into it and get out of my life. Great. Bye.
Ronnie
Yeah. And she's like. And he wants gray cabinets, which, of course he does. Also, gray has to stop. It's Literally everything is gray. It's like a prison. And so, let's see. So there is a rooftop common area. And also he has, like, a. Not a backyard, but, like, a little area for the kid to play. And he's like, well, there's not really much room for her toys. Well, you know how to solve that, don't you? Get rid of the kid. Get rid of her or get her a job.
Ben
I like that he wants his toys to have priority over her toys. He's like.
Ronnie
It's like she can't have toys. Yeah. Only all my board games.
Ben
I'm gonna have 107 board games. And she gets, like, some blocks. That's it.
Ronnie
Yeah.
Ben
Also, did you notice that, like, every house this episode had this weird thing that they had balconies or patios, and all the patios seem to be connected with, like, a communal staircase?
Ronnie
Did you see that? Every. Every single one. I was like, that kid's gonna get kidnapped in two seconds. Because they're like, hey, here's your own private balcony with stairs down to the street. Like, like what?
Ben
I know. Every single balcony had, like, a wide staircase. It's like, anyone can come to your balcony. I thought that was so strange. I guess. Is it a Chicago thing? It might. It must be.
Ronnie
I don't know. Did it used to be a friendlier place than the rest of the world? Because. Yikes. I didn't like that.
Ben
So that when they go up to the rooftop there. So that that staircase, by the way, that public staircase leads you up to the public area.
Ronnie
But it's not also gross because, you know, everyone's drunk friends are going to be like, okay, bye, and they're going to stumble down into your balcony.
Ben
Yeah. Way to go, Francine. But he looks over where the staircase will be, and he's sort of, like, teetering over the edge. And Leanne goes, I'm not going to push you over the side until I get my commission.
Ronnie
So then he doesn't love this one because it's so small and there's not really a lot of space for Everly, but it, you know, it has most of the space he needs. So he's also worried about there being no bars and restaurants, which, you know.
Ben
You'Re a board gamer.
Ronnie
It's your board gamer. Better. It's better to start in a neighborhood without Bars and restaurants, then go to a neighborhood where bars and restaurants are shutting down because they see you coming.
Ben
You know, listen, if you have Postmates and you have access to a Domino's, you've. You've now hit that board gamer checklist. If you have a. So if there's a Subway, let me tell you something. When I go to game night, this is what I'm eating. Panda Express or Subway or maybe Chipotle. That is just life as a board gamer. So as long as those things are within the Postmates radius, you are set. You don't have to worry about restaurants.
Ronnie
I love it. Okay, so now she is going to find him a place in Logan. So Square, and it's 450. Oh, no, no. This place was 450. This new place in Logan Square is going to be more expensive.
Ben
Yeah. Brian's moving out of the condo he shared with his soon to be ex wife Leanne, who says, quote unquote, can't happen soon enough. I hear you, sister. Anyway, she's also his agent because she just loves hurting herself. He wants something that's just as new and has three bedrooms and she just wants to not look at his face.
Ronnie
So this one's a two bedroom, two bath and he's like, you couldn't find a three bedroom. She's like, not in this area for new construction. So I figured I'd, you know, just eliminate the room for things that you're terrible at. Music and board games.
Ben
They have strict zoning laws in Logan Square, which is that you're not allowed to have a room dedicated to all the things that caused your wife to leave you.
Ronnie
In this neighborhood, you're meant to constrain your mediocrity to one fewer bedroom.
Ben
So Brian's like, wow, 549. That's really at the top of what I want to pay. Even though earlier in the episode I said 500 is my budget, but I'm willing to go to 550. It's like, I hate when people do that. Like, I'm willing to go up to this price. And then you say, okay, here it is at that price. Well, I don't want to pay that. Well, then don't say that you're willing to go up there because you're not.
Ronnie
And she's also doing a good job because I feel like most realtors, you're like, okay, the very tippy top is 500. They're like, I found the place. It's a million point two. You're going to love it. Like how does that make any sense? Not even close.
Ben
Yeah. Later on, she finds a place that's 500, $5,000. Like that weird 5,000, like, toe dipping over the line. I'm like, I don't know why that is there, but whatever.
Ronnie
Yeah.
Ben
So Leanne's like, well, the reason why I brought Brian here was the location. He really. He was really wanting to look in Logan's Square, mainly because he wants to live in a town that shaped like a board game. So there it is.
Ronnie
So, yeah, it's. This one's small. It's 1200 square feet. And it's just a couch. Basically, the couch takes all room. And she goes, yeah, it's got a big couch. You don't have a couch this big. And I don't know if she was saying, like, stop complaining, your couch will look smaller in here, or if she's shaming his couch. Like, I can't tell. Like, it's a little bit of a small couch lover.
Ben
This is where he's like, is there any room for a board game table over there? And she's like, I mean, we just got here. You're already looking for a board game table spot. And which I say, welcome to the sickness of being a board game enthusiast, because that is what our lives are like. We're like, where can we set up a board game? Oh, I like this hotel room. Can I set up?
Ronnie
But also, there's zero room. She's like, oh, really? You want to play board games? Here's a room that can fit a couch and a stool.
Ben
I know.
Ronnie
Going to love it.
Ben
You can play it on the kitchen island.
Ronnie
Yeah.
Ben
So, yeah, this is where he's like, putting it under the TV would be weird. Oh, that's weird. Not the 107 board games as a grown adult, you imbecile.
Ronnie
Yeah. So they go, these are also different colored cabinets up top than on the bottom. So she's right. It is super trendy. He does like the appliances, though. And there's a tub in the guest bath.
Ben
But he goes, he goes, somebody at the appliance company was listening to me when they. When I said, I love dark gray. And she goes, yeah, I'm sure that's what happened.
Ronnie
Divorce, leaving him. So he goes into the guest bathroom. He's like, oh, wow, this. The texture on this tile is very interesting. I've never felt this. And she goes, oh, my God. You feel tile textures a lot.
Ben
He goes, I do. When I'm in the shower, what else am I going to touch? And I was like, oh, you're really just. You're really just gonna go there, aren't you? And then he changed. Then he pivots. He goes, the curtain. Like, the curtain. I'm definitely not masturbating all the time in the shower. Definitely.
Ronnie
I know. She's like, try the soap. Reacting like soaps new to you. Although I did notice we were out of conditioner literally every other day. And you have very short hair.
Ben
Hey, I'll tell the people at the appliance factory that you're on to soap these days. I'm sure they'll be happy, since apparently they listen to every single word you say.
Ronnie
Yeah, she hates his guts. So then there is a closet for board games. And so he likes that. My size primary. And she's like, you know, I know we're short a bedroom, but you could always put your desk in the bedroom. And he's like, but then I have to make my bed.
Ben
And she's like, yes, it's called being an adult, not someone who lives in the fantasy. Fantasy land of Scythe and Twilight Imperium. So then they have to. Then they. Then it turns out there's no garage, but there is a carport. And, like, that is, like, one of his issues is that he doesn't want to have to dig his car out of the garage out of the snow in the winter. It's like, well, you're the one living in Chicago. That's not the snow's fault. Nor is it the driveway's fault. And so then. Then he. Then there's, like, a double vanity, and he's like, well, I'm gonna take this little corner, but I'll know that this side won't be taken up by all of your makeup. It's like, he's trying to, like. He's trying to, like, do false equivalency of, like, her makeup and his board games. And she's like, no, no, we're not.
Ronnie
Going to do that. When does. Where does she wear all this makeup to rayon camp?
Ben
Because.
Ronnie
She actually. Her response is like, well, maybe some moisturizer. What? Where are you going to keep your moisturizer at his house?
Ben
Well, since he's touching a washcloth these days, he's gonna need something else to, you know, take care of his needs. So it's just. It's too small. It's too expensive, so he wants another place. So they go to house number three. And Leon's like, hey, by the way, thanks for driving today. It's just easier that way because, you know, I Don't need a backseat driver the whole time when I'm driving. Yeah, I bet you thought that was a compliment. The beginning of the sentence. And turns out it was an insult.
Ronnie
How about a front seat nagger, Leanne? So he's like, I do not backseat drive. She's like, yes, you do. So now they go to house number three. It's in Sullivan Square. It's three bedroom, two and a half bath, 2,000 square feet.
Ben
Yeah. And it's not new, but it is. This is the one that's 500, $5,000. And it's very brick on the outside, and there's no garage. And it already looks terrible, which means that, you know, this is the one he's going to choose. It's also built in 2004. Like, this is not a man for a modern house. Okay? This is. This is someone who. Listen, he needs. He needs his house to match his fashion. 2004.
Ronnie
Yeah. He needs to live in, like, the set of Mare of East Town. That's where I see him really thriving. Can I just say something about Chicago? Why would anybody pay $500,000 for a place with no parking? You can't have an uncovered parking. It's not, like, an option. I mean, Chicago, like, he's talking about literally having to. To shovel his car out of the parking lot every day. Because that's how it works. How do you live like that? I was just out, like I said, at a cheer competition this week, and we passed this pickup truck. And you should have seen this pickup truck because it hails here so bad. And last week, there was a terrible, terrible hail storm. I videotaped it just so I could tell. People listen to that hail because it's like. It's just, like, ruining the homes around here. This guy, it looked like Bonnie and Clyde's truck. It was just. It looked like it had been riddled with bullets. It was just dents all over from getting hammered. Like, you can't live like that in these climates. Like, hide. Get the man a place to hide his car, please. It's my point.
Ben
Also, you can tell that this is going to be the house that he chooses because he has, like, a fake criticism right off the bat. Right off the bat, where it's like, this is not something that he's genuinely concerned about. He's like, wait a second. I don't like all these stairs right by the door. What?
Ronnie
Well, it goes. Isn't this the one where he's like. And I'll have to dig out my car and you know I hate digging. And she's like, yeah, but you know, it turns me on. She has this like, look about her because, you know, she loves coffins. So nothing's gonna turn her on more than watching him dig, you know?
Ben
Yeah, she's like, I know you hate digging. It's kind of like when we go on vacation and your deodorant falls to the bottom of the suitcase. You just stink for seven days straight because you just don't want to dig for it.
Ronnie
Just pretend it's a booger in traffic.
Ben
The only thing you'll dig for. So it's split level. So he's like, I don't like all these stairs that are right here, because suddenly that matters to me.
Ronnie
And you were just, you were just praising the two floor walk up. So the two story walk up. I know five different balconies on different.
Ben
Levels, so it's a lot of stairs. For Everly. I'm like, well, keep her in the basement. It's fine. That's at the playroom.
Ronnie
God forbid you. You help develop a child's glutes.
Ben
You know, she is going to get older and learn how to do stairs. Okay. Like, it'll be okay.
Ronnie
You're. Either way. You can't say like you're so afraid for Everly and then be like, everly, here's your backyard with stairs to the street and stairs to a roof. I know.
Ben
Here's a staircase that's not even finished. You can just climb until she thinks she's at the end of the staircase. And if she misjudges it, she just falls to her death. So have fun with that.
Ronnie
So they, she's making a joke. She's like, oh, I'm gonna. Oh. They go out to the balcony and it's like all rusty and Woody. And he's like, this is crap. I'm gonna fall through this. She goes, why are you jumping on it if you're gonna fall through it? You. And he's like, well, if I die, you can have my life insurance. And she's like, you have life insurance?
Ben
How much jumping?
Ronnie
How much is jumping? How much is your life insurance? I would have smothered you had I known that. Wasting a divorce money.
Ben
Oh, man, I had such a perfect chance when we're looking at that unfinished staircase at house number one. So then she's like, no, seriously, how much is it worth?
Ronnie
Yeah.
Ben
So they're looking, there's like the, you know, this nice big primary on the second floor and everything. But, like, there's only one bedroom up there. So, like, what. What are they gonna do? And then they start heading down to the. The first floor. And she's like, you lead the way. And just in case I fall. You're nice and soft. You can break my fall.
Ronnie
He's like, I'd roll out of the way. Just. Yeah, I don't think there's any space for that. Where are you gonna roll to, Brian?
Ben
I've seen you move. You're not that fast.
Ronnie
Yeah, and of course, he loves the basement. He's like, okay. Of course. He's like, perfect. I will live in a basement. Yeah, sign me up.
Ben
He goes, oh, good. Big, high ceilings for my. For my movie space. I was like, wait, where did the movie space come from?
Ronnie
Now you need a movie room now you're a cinephile.
Ben
Any.
Ronnie
Any way that he could just sit. Sit alone somewhere in the dark?
Ben
I know. Um, and so, like, there's two rooms downstairs, so one of them could be the primary. One could be for Everly, and then one upstairs could be, like, a board game space. So it's like, this is the obvious choice here. And this place is also on budget, so Leanne says, you know, it's a little bittersweet if Brian stays in Logan Square and I'm not here. You know, there's just a lot of things we can remember doing together, like him showing up at a restaurant, me ducking under a table, pretending I'm not there so he doesn't sit down with me.
Ronnie
So he's like, well, I don't like that there's a. Not a covered patio. There's no garage. And she's like, well, you're gonna need a better job, you fucking loser. So now they have to think about it. And number one, he didn't like the location, but he did like the garage and the outdoor spaces.
Ben
Number two was new construction, everything, but it was, like, at the top of his range. And there's, like, no space. It was just a sofa. It was basically like a sofa with a roof on it. And. And then she. He's like, I just really don't like it. And she's like, do you not like it, or is this just about your board games? He's like, it's about the board games. But then house number three. You know, there's that big space downstairs that's good. It's like a good den area. It's also, by the way, a good place to have game nights. And there's three bedrooms, but it wasn't super. I love that it's like, it wasn't super gray. As if he can't actually paint anything.
Ronnie
Right? Yeah. I mean, I knew he was gonna pick number three because it had the least amount of taste involved. I was like, he's gonna pick the ugliest place. You can just. You can just sense it. And he does. But he's gonna have to dig his car out in the winter. She's like.
Ben
Which is still hot.
Ronnie
He's still hot.
Ben
He's never gonna do that, by the way. He's gonna say every. He. I think I believe he's going to. He chose this house partially because his car will get snowed in, and he's going to be like, sorry, I'm not gonna be able to drive Everly over to you, so you're gonna have to come over here and pick her up. Sorry, Leanne. I guess I'll just stay in the basement.
Ronnie
And then he's gonna be like, well, while you're here, movie night. Just gonna be. Damn it.
Ben
You're the one who said you didn't want a backseat driver. So I guess you'll just have to come pick her up, won't you?
Ronnie
And that brings us to the end of whatever this was. Wow.
Ben
These two house hunters. Very funny. I was cracking up. They. Yeah, it was a good episode. Thanks, Amanda, for recommending it.
Ronnie
Yeah, good one.
Ben
Now you all will get a. You get an insight into the world of being a board gamer, which is that you plague everyone with the sheer number of boxes that you collect in what was supposed to be a communal living space.
Ronnie
Yep. They look nice, though. And you've done a good job with yours. Yours look really good.
Ben
Yeah. Yeah, I, I, I sort of have mine tucked away and everything, but I think every board gamer, at a certain point, you're like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm running out of space and I know I can't ask for more for my loved ones, so I gotta figure something out.
Ronnie
Well, get an iPad, you know. Yeah, exactly.
Ben
Get a new hobby.
Ronnie
All right, everybody. No. All right, everybody. Thanks so much for being here with us. Our next Dwell hello. Will be a live Dwell hello. At the Netflix is a joke comedy festival in two next week, next Friday night in la. So if you're around, come check it out. Tickets are over at watch what crappens.com and we sure love you guys.
Ben
Love you. Bye, everyone. Acast Powers, the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.
Podcast Recommendation Host
We all have bad days and sometimes bad weeks and maybe even bad years, but the good news is we don't have to figure out life all alone. I'm comedian Chris Duffy, host of ted's how to Be a Better Human podcast, and our show is about the little ways that you can improve your life. Actual practical tips that you can put into place that will make your day to day better. Whether it is setting boundaries at work or rethinking how you clean your house, each episode has conversations with experts who share tips on how to navigate life's ups and downs. Find how to be a Better human wherever you're listening to this.
Ben
ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.
Ronnie
Acast.
Ben
Com.
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Episode Date: April 25, 2024
Episode Recap: A comedic and biting recap of the House Hunters: "Newly Single in Chicago" (Season 207, Episode 4), featuring a soon-to-be-divorced couple navigating an awkward real estate transaction, board game obsessions, and fashion disasters.
This episode of Watch What Crappens' Dwell Hello takes listeners on a hilarious, sarcastic, and, at times, cringeworthy recap journey through a House Hunters episode spotlighting Brian (a board-game-loving software engineer) and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Leanne (a real estate agent with a penchant for rayon sacks and coffin-shaped bookshelves). Ben and Ronnie deliver their trademark mockery and empathy as they dissect the awkwardness of house hunting while divorcing, the peculiarities of board game collectors, and the fashion choices of middle America.
"I would think they’d work out because they're the same...with gay people, a lot of times you’ll look at gay couples and they’re dating their twins. These two have twin flame energy, twin bland energy." (05:53 – Ronnie)
"She gets to show the hatred for him on her face, unlike the agents that have to hide it every week." (08:50 – Ronnie)
Ben: “He’s asserting his independence by like, ‘Fine, then I’m gonna leave you and I’m gonna find a place to put board games.’” (10:21)
Ben: "Leanne is like, I am like a Logan Square eight. And he is a Logan Square two. And he’s gonna choose freaking Settlers of Catan over me right now." (10:46)
“I’m basically Brian.” (21:51)
Ben: “When he asked me to be his realtor, I said the same thing I did when he asked me to be his wife: Sure. I want to be there when you die.” (21:04 – Ronnie)
“When I go to game night, this is what I’m eating: Panda Express or Subway or maybe Chipotle. That is just life as a board gamer." (37:41)
Ben (about Leanne): "You do have a coffin…" (28:10) Ronnie: “We’re a gentle people. Is deodorant sometimes, not always adopted, perhaps, but that’s an accidental aggression.” (29:01)
Ben: “I guess that makes Brian the fingernail in this relationship.” (14:50)
On couple incompatibility:
Ben: "Just because you both look like pieces of white bread doesn’t mean you should make a sandwich, okay? Move on with your lives." (05:19)
On style:
Ronnie: “A dress barn next to Walmart… lack of sun fashion.” (06:22)
On board game priorities versus parenting:
Ben: "He wants his toys to have priority over her toys… I’m gonna have 107 board games, and she gets like, some blocks." (35:49)
On Chicago condos:
Ben: “Is it a Chicago thing? Every balcony had a wide staircase—anyone can come to your balcony. I thought that was so strange.” (36:11)
Meta and self-deprecating:
Ronnie [to Ben]: “You’re like a hot, socialized version of Brian… what Brian thinks they are.” (21:59)
On the show’s joy:
Ben: "This episode was a good one. Thanks, Amanda, for recommending it." (52:14)
| Time | Segment | |-------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:00–07:00 | Introduction to the couple and fashion critiques | | 10:21–17:00 | Board game discourse and analogies to relationships | | 20:29–24:00 | Realtor-ex wife dynamic; sarcastic proposals | | 30:13–37:14 | House Tour #1: New Construction overview, pros/cons, communal balconies | | 38:04–42:09 | House Tour #2: Size vs. location, board game and furniture banter | | 44:24–50:47 | House Tour #3: Oldest, but most practical, realistic pick for Brian | | 51:22–53:02 | Decision time and end of experience |
Snarky, self-aware, and warmly mocking; Ben and Ronnie’s playful banter mirrors the exasperated yet affectionate tone Bravo fans use about the network’s personalities. They often slip jokes about their own lives or board game obsessions into the recap, making the show relatable even to non-Bravo viewers.
Watch What Crappens delivers a side-splitting, insightful, and occasionally poignant dissection of House Hunters’ “Newly Single in Chicago.” While Brian’s quest for a “modern” pad to house his hobby and Leanne’s persistent scorn could have been dull, Amanda’s listener suggestion gives Ben and Ronnie ample fodder for both empathy and merciless, hilarious ridicule.
Best for: Fans of Bravo, House Hunters, anyone who’s ever rolled their eyes at a real estate wishlist, and lovers of witty, sardonic pop-culture commentary.
Key Lesson:
“You plague everyone with the sheer number of boxes that you collect in what was supposed to be a communal living space.” (52:24 – Ben)
For more laughs or to support the show:
Visit patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes and recaps.