Dwell Hello #416: Mother-Daughter House Hunt

Summary

Watch What Crappens: Dwell Hello #416 – "Mother-Daughter House Hunt"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Release Date: August 8, 2024

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "Dwell Hello" from Watch What Crappens, Ben and Ronnie dive into a classic House Hunters episode titled "Mother Daughter House Hunt," set in Danbury, Connecticut. The hosts revel in the familiar comedic goldmine of a mother and daughter searching for the perfect home to share, complete with mutually incompatible wish lists, gentle bickering, and plenty of over-the-top New England shading. Their recap is part parody, part reenactment, packed with witty banter, running jokes, and sharp observations on regional real estate tropes—and of course, some loving mockery of mother-daughter dynamics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Another Mother-Daughter Episode?

• Ben confesses to choosing this episode purely for the comedic possibilities inherent in mother-daughter dynamics ("I just was in the mood for a good old fashioned mother daughter House Hunters." – Ben, 03:02).
• Ronnie teases Ben for his clear fixation, suggesting perhaps any episode with "mother and daughter" in the description is an auto-pick.

"That's what's happening with you and mothers and daughters. Because it is your thing. What's going on there?" – Ronnie (03:41)
"It's just. I like to tap into endless fonts of comedy." – Ben (03:49)

2. Setting the Scene: Danbury, Connecticut

• Ben explains the local connection—his brother lives nearby, and he has personal "romantic history" with the area, including an awkward teenage date at Pizzeria Uno.
• The hosts are not shy in critiquing Danbury's real estate and ambience:

"Can I just beg you, don't bury me there. I do not want to be buried in this Danbury, Connecticut place. It's the most depressing place we've seen in a long time." – Ronnie (06:21)

• Ronnie calls the town "very low effort," and Ben acknowledges he sometimes craves mocking "good old shitty American homes." (06:49)

3. Meet the Hunters: Barbara ("Don't call me Barb!") & Adriana

• The mother, Barbara, requires a separate in-law suite; her daughter, Adriana, is seeking her own ideal set of amenities.
• Running joke: Barbara insists on being called "Barbara" not "Barb," and the hosts have a field day imagining her spelling it out for reservations (08:40).
• Ben and Ronnie escalate the mother-daughter roast, creating over-the-top backstories and mocking their wish-lists:

"I gave her an extra A and what does she give me in return? No career. Working at the Danbury Hospital. That's not a career, okay?" – Ben as Barbara (10:08)

4. The Wish List Disconnect

• Both have extensive "must haves", but their priorities are comically mismatched.
• The hosts dramatize their hypothetical bickering:

"Can they work together to find the perfect house for both of them? Absolutely not." – Ben (10:56)

• Adriana wants an updated kitchen and plenty of space for entertaining; Barbara wants her own kitchen, lots of light, and absolute separation.

"Here's what I want. A basement with a lot of natural light. Thank you." – Ben as Barbara (23:58)

5. Mother-Daughter Roasting and Banter

• The hosts riff relentlessly, turning even the smallest detail or exchange into a comedic bit:
  • Joke about Barbara's need to call people for everything—restaurant reservations, NASA, city hall, etc.
  • The "three A's" in all their names becomes a running theme.
  • Long-running feigned exasperation at each other's supposed stubbornness:

  "Who's the more stubborn? It would definitely be me." "No, it would definitely be me." (26:41)

6. The Houses: The Tour & the Critique

House 1: The Not-a-Ranch "Ranch" (Bethel, CT) [29:48]

• Below budget; open concept; much kitchen enthusiasm from Adriana, even though the hosts mercilessly mock the taste levels:

  "They walk in. I was like, oh, ouch. Wow, they're getting fucked with this one. And they both go, whoa, this is so pretty..." – Ronnie (31:45)

• Only one full bath is a major issue; tiny, awkward bathrooms get plenty of commentary ("This is like an airplane bathroom. I'm pooping in here immediately." – Ronnie as Adriana, 34:42).
• In-law suite is just one open room: "There’s poles in the middle of my suite. I don't want to have a reminder of Adrianna's first job right here." – Ben as Barbara (37:59)

House 2: The Slightly Over-Budget ‘Ranch’ [43:10]

• Price: $370,000. More acreage; kitchen is “dated,” in-law suite kitchen judged harshly ("It's just something you'll never be, honey. It's just a little dated..." – Ronnie as Barbara, 47:03).
• Carla, electrical boxes (“What am I supposed to do with this?”), pee stains on carpet, small windows—no detail escapes the hosts’ sarcasm.
• Still, it's the only option with actual in-law amenities.

House 3: The Cape Cod (in Danbury) [52:28]

• Updated, open-concept, foreclosure flip, but the “in-law suite” is a sad unfinished basement; noise from the highway elicits a long riff about “alien abductions” and “calling NASA.”
• Jack and Jill bathroom shared with a fourth bedroom is an object of horror (“Jack and Jill bathrooms are a terrible idea”—the hosts describe their own traumas) [59:06].

7. Decision Time & Epilogue

• After bickering, they choose House 2—the dated ranch with the actual in-law suite.

"Normally, that's the way they trick you. But not these people. They're like, I think we should take the second one. I was like, come on, you guys. Build up some suspense." – Ronnie (60:40)

• Two weeks later: Ben and Ronnie jokingly describe the chaos of moving in, including creative table placements for "entertaining" and imagining Barbara giving NASA an update on her breakthrough in furniture arrangement.
• Result: They get the house for $340k, well under list price—a rare win!

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Danbury’s Vibes:
  "It's the most depressing place we've seen in a long time. And these are those kinds of people who walk into basically a plastic shit box and go, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." – Ronnie (06:21)

• Barbara’s Reservation Game:
  "Hello, this is Barbara Harris. I'm calling to make a reservation for seven o'clock tonight." – Ben as Barbara (08:40)

• Mother-Daughter Sabotage, With Love:
  "I would rather be more separate from Audrey...You're poor, you're poorer." – Ben as Barbara (10:40)

  "She has full reservation syllable sy– Barbara." (09:06)

• The In-Law Suite (Camping Stove Saga):
  "There's no kitchen, but you could put a camping stove right there." – Ronnie as Adriana, paraphrasing (13:21)

• Home Amenity Expectations:
  "Here's what we want. Okay? Adriana wants a five-bedroom house with an updated modern kitchen and a backyard and a terrace." – Ben (22:27)

• The Joy of Open Concept:
  "I love how they have a window. There's a window in a kitchen!" – Ronnie as Adriana (31:45)

• Bathroom Horror:
  "Barb pulls back the shower curtain to reveal the tub from Saw." – Ronnie, reading listener Colleen's note (36:14)

• Jack and Jill Trauma:
  "I have some kind of trigger response whenever I see them, and my brain just shuts down." – Ronnie (59:21)

• Winning Quote on Negotiating the Price:
  "I gave them an outrageously low offer. It was listed at 370, and we got it for 340. And it turns out this place is haunted. And my daughter's social life has never been better." – Ben as Barbara (61:40)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Choosing Episode / Nostalgia & Format: 02:48–06:21
• Setting the Scene in Danbury: 06:21–07:51
• Introducing Barbara and Adriana: 08:09–10:24
• Mother-Daughter Bickering & Wishlists: 10:56–14:14
• Running Gags on Names & Overbearing Mom: 14:36–18:19
• On Danbury ‘Diversity’ & Local Culture: 19:23–21:05
• Discussing the House Tours (House 1): 29:48–36:14
• House 2 Critiques: 43:10–49:08
• House 3 Disappointment / Highway Noise: 52:28–55:07
• Decision & Move-In Epilogue: 60:08–62:51

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Episode Tone

The episode is playful, sarcastic, and affectionate—Ben and Ronnie's mockery is firmly rooted in love for both the House Hunters format and the absurdity of reality TV. The dialogue brims with banter, regional digs, and mom jokes, while never being genuinely mean-spirited.

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Final Thoughts

"Dwell Hello: Mother-Daughter House Hunt" is a masterclass in comedic recapping, giving listeners a front-row seat to all the fun (and cringe) of HGTV-style house hunting—magnified and hilariously dissected. Ben and Ronnie's love of the format, affection for their recurring archetypes, and relentless roasting of both real estate and family dynamics make this a must-listen for fans of reality TV parody.

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Memorable Sign-Off:
"I hope that the daughter never listens to this. Either one of them, really." – Ben (62:17)

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For suggestions:
Write to [e-mail] with the subject "Dwell Hello suggestion" for a future recap!

Transcript

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[A]

Ding dong.

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Ding dong.

[B]

Ding ding ding ding ding dong. Hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. You're here on Wondery plus and we are here to talk some house hunters. Hey Ronnie, how's it going?

[A]

Well, hello little Benini tunes. How's it going over there in New York City?

[B]

It's great. I'm here in New York City. I visited my brother this weekend because he had his 50th birthday. My brother lives in Connecticut, which is perfect because today's episode of House Hunters concerns Danbury, Connecticut, which is the next town over for my brother. Not to dox my brother or anything like that, but Danbury, Connecticut. And the episode is called Daughter Mother. I'm sorry, Mother Daughter House Hunt. You can find it on Max. You know what, I know it's funny, I don't have the episode or the the season.

[A]

It literally doesn't even matter because it's different. Doesn't matter platform. Anyway, if you want to find it, just go on to Max and search in the search bar. Mother Daughter House Hunt. Yes, and you'll see it.

[B]

And the reason this one was not chosen was not chosen by anyone who wrote in. Maybe someone did, but I actually chose this one. And the reason Why I chose it was I just was in the mood for a good old fashioned mother daughter House Hunters. Because I've discovered. I've just. I've decided that's just my favorite type of House hunters. When there's a mother and a daughter.

[A]

You love a mother daughter. A mother daughter thing. And I watched this and I was like, fucking Ben. I know that somebody didn't suggest this because it's another mother daughter thing. I don't even know that you looked at the episode. I feel like you just opened the app and you came across something that said mother and daughter, and you were like, that's it.

[B]

Yep, we're doing.

[A]

Yep, it's a mother and daughter.

[B]

That's exactly what it was.

[A]

And that's what's happening with you and mothers and daughters. Because it is. It is your. Your thing. What's going on there.

[B]

It's just. I like to tap into endless fonts of comedy. What was the last House hunters we did? Do you remember? It was international, I believe. Right?

[A]

The last House Hunters.

[B]

I'm not House Hunter. Last dwell. Hello, we did the last.

[A]

Well, hello we did was super fun. Whatever it was. It was. It was crazy town.

[B]

Don't remember what it is, but everyone can listen. I was just trying to remember if that one was mother daughter also. But no, I think you selected the last one.

[A]

No, no, the last one wasn't mother daughter. No. I kind of avoid the mother daughter ones because we do a lot of them. But we also, like. We also love to do like a crazy gay someplace. Like a crazy. Yeah, but like a wacky gay that he can rag on, though.

[B]

The last one was a mother was mother daughter. Actually. No, it was a mother. Yes, it was, it was. Oh, if I remembered it was mother daughter last time, I wouldn't have done mother daughter again. It was when she got the, the. The bed and breakfast in, like, Umbria. She was.

[A]

Yes, it was a mother's daughter.

[B]

Singapore.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, well, I apologize.

[A]

That was a hardcore episode too. We had the mom like Strangers in the. I don't remember what it was, but I remember it was very dirty.

[B]

That was literally one of our best episodes ever because we just painted such a big picture. Like we created backstories. Like, literally we had the real backstory with his mom and he was caretaking his mother, and then you had the daughter and then you had the wife. It was really one of our most richly portrayed episodes.

[A]

Yeah, that was called Head, Heart and Homecoming in Cumbria. I looked it up. And the one before that was a Fanboy needs space in la. Well, not before that, but a recent one. And because they don't show up in order for some reason. Donata Granada. A hipster couple moves to Spain.

[B]

Oh, they were. That was a hilarious one. Oh, I remember.

[A]

Fertile versus futile on the Sunshine Coast. Anyway, super fun doing the show. We love it. I don't know why we're waxing poetic. Like we just won a Nobel Peace Prize and somebody deserves action of Inside the Actor Studio.

[B]

And how we did well, well, personally.

[A]

When we came upon mother and daughter in Cumbria, which we just. We had a different road and we. We chose to take that path hand in hand and we did it. I don't regret a thing, Ben.

[B]

There was magic there. There was magic.

[A]

It was magic.

[B]

Anyway, we're gonna move from the highly scenic un. Cumbria. Or Cumbria. Whatever it was. Was it called Cumbria? Umbria.

[A]

Come Ragbria. Now we are in Danbury, Connecticut, and can I just beg you, don't bury me there, because I do not want to be buried in this Danbury, Connecticut place. This will say the most depressing place we've seen in a long time. And these are those kinds of people who walk into basically a plastic shit box and go, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Where's the taste? Okay, I need an international. Give me an international. I'm embarrassed for this country right now.

[B]

Yeah, Sometimes I like to go back to House Hunters and just get some. Just some good old shitty American homes going on on our show. And that's what I did. And so, yeah, we were here. We've moved from, like, in the last episode. Every single scene, we're like, this is gorgeous. We'd be like, making fun of the lady, like, and look at her, she wants an Airbnb. But to be fair, this is like, gorgeous. Like, I definitely want to go there. Like, let's go there. Let's plan a trip. Danbury.

[A]

No, you know, woof.

[B]

It tries. I've been there. I've been. I've spent much time in Danbury. It tries.

[A]

Yeah, it's. Does it. Because it really looks like a very low effort place.

[B]

It's, you know, like, the downtown has some cute areas. There's a bar I used to go to. I don't know if it's still there. Called Two Boots.

[A]

Even the bar sounds boring. Two Boots, like, that's no fun.

[B]

I mean, basement.

[A]

Like, I lost my boot. You know, where's my boot? Now there's a vi.

[B]

I went in high school, I went on a date to the Pizzeria Uno in the. In the Danbury Fair Mall.

[A]

So didn't we all.

[B]

You know, there's. There's a. There's a romantic history for me in Danbury. I didn't kiss the girl because. Disgusting.

[A]

Yeah, that would have been his taste. This is the 4 micah floors in this episode.

[B]

I was like, so let's go shopping off the house.

[A]

Linda's like Adriana and her mother Barbara. Of course her name is Barbara. Are buying a home and moving in together.

[B]

Barb is like, we need to have just a little bit of sep. It was a little bit separate at the same time. Like, if you want to be in the same. But a little bit separate.

[A]

By the way, please don't call me Barb. I feel like Barbara's one of those.

[B]

My name's Barbara.

[A]

Please don't call me Barb. Because, you know, the first person be like, oh, hi, Barb. Please don't call me that. My name is Barbara. I've earned. I've earned the A. R, A at the end of my.

[B]

Oh, and you know that she really spells out every syllable of Barbara when she calls for restaurant reservation. Hello, this is Barbara Harris. I'm calling to make a reservation for seven o'clock tonight.

[A]

Says Barb Paris. Please don't.

[B]

No, it's Barbara. Barbara. She has full. She has full reservation. Syllable. Sy.

[A]

Barbara.

[B]

The name. Okay, the first name is Barbara. B, A, R, B. No, there's more. A, R, A. Barbara.

[A]

Not raw. Not. I'm not. I'm not a Streisand. Never claimed to be. Okay, she's earned. She's earned that. And I've earned the extra A in my name. Don't with that, please. I wouldn't say. I would say mess. Don't mess with that, please. I'm Barbara. Okay, well, we need to be a little bit separate, me and my kid Adriana, because basically I hate her. Look at her. But guess what? I raised a poor person. Poor. Raises poor. Rich mom. Rich mom. No. Poor dad. Poor daughter. Okay, that's us. So I'm gonna need a tiny little place, maybe with a sheet going down the middle of a room. I don't know. But I don't want to look at the bitch.

[B]

Okay? I loved all the A's in my name so much, I named my daughter Audriana. Okay, that's three A's for you. That's.

[A]

You know what? I still gave her bad luck with that one D, because look at her now, sharing a home with her mother.

[B]

I gave her an extra A and what does she give me in return? No career. Working at the Danbury Hospital. That's not a career, okay? A career is something where you can support your mother and find her a whole other house on your house. And I don't see another house. I get a wing at best. Maybe a basement, maybe a corner. That's what I get. And I give you three gays.

[A]

You're never going to win with that many A's. Two A's. It's Alcoholics Anonymous. Three A's, it's. Your car is broken down on the side of the road. Like, I don't know what I was thinking.

[B]

Four A's. You just had a dentist appointment. Ah.

[A]

So Adriana's like, yeah, I have to be separate from my mom. And Barb. Barbara's like, yeah, yeah, we do. I would rather be more separate from Audrey. No, I have to be separate from my mom. No, you're more disgusting. No, you're more disgusting. You're poor, you're poorer.

[B]

And they both have big lists of must haves for the home as well. And then we see Barbara and Adriana, you know, going through the house and like, I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. Can they work together to find the perfect house for both of them? Absolutely not. I'm gonna tell you this right now, Linda. Absolutely. This is Barbara. Excuse me, Linda. This is Barbara Harris calling. Hi.

[A]

I. I feel like our names are generate generationally similar.

[B]

Just wanted to get, you know, I know Alinda. Are you Linda Bronstein? No, I'm not. I don't give out my last name. Very good friend.

[A]

Well, I hope not, because behind her back, we used to call her Linda Wrongstein.

[B]

She was always the worst at tennis. She'd always invite us to tennis. And I said, why do you want to play tennis, Linda? You don't even know how to play. I don't know how to play. Why do you want to play tennis? She said, I want to try it. So we'd go. She'd play the ball, would go off the court into the road, and we're supposed to find it. I never liked Linda.

[A]

I was like, oh, for Christ's sake, what is this? Wiffle ball? Has no one taught her how? All right, so we.

[B]

I have a show to do. Sorry. Sorry about your friend, Linda, but I'm a different person. Okay?

[A]

Listen, take it from me. You're one of the least interesting couples that we've had on this show. Can we just get through this, Barb? It's Barbara. For sake.

[B]

Hold on one second. I just have to call my producer. Hi, can we just destroy the phone line into my recording booth? I don't even know why we have this. Why do we have a landline into my recording booth?

[A]

I'm sorry, but Barbara's just one of those types of people that can call anywhere.

[B]

Hold on one second. My chair seems to have a ringing sound to it. Hello, this is Barbara Harris calling again. How did you call my chair?

[A]

Barb? Is that mom who can just get through to anybody? Did anybody see that in the sky right there? I'm calling NASA. That's it.

[B]

Hello?

[A]

You can't just call NASA, my asshole. You can't call NASA. Hello, NASA, this is Barbara.

[B]

NASA, this is Barbara. I'm calling because I saw an anomaly up in the spit. Hold on one second. Audriana, not right now. I was being denied NASA. I'm sorry. My daughter.

[A]

I'm sorry. That's my daughter. We call her Assa, but she's kind of.

[B]

She said she needs more space, which is funny because I'm the one who's actually speaking to NASA.

[A]

So they. Adriana is a terrible daughter because we find out that Barbara want Barbara needs the mother in law apartment. And Adriana's like, but I like this, mom. There's no kitchen, but you could put a camping stove right there. She's like, are you kidding me? You get this nice, big, beautiful kitchen upstairs, and you want me to have a camping stove in a basement?

[B]

And that's when I said, we're doing this episode.

[A]

And Adriana just nods at her like, oh, Jesus Christ, you're almost dead, mother.

[B]

The displaced mother in the basement with the camping stove. I was like, this is going to be good. I have to. I have to. I have to watch this. So the music starts, and now we have Barb and Adriana heading into a coffee shop in downtown Danbury, Connecticut.

[A]

My name is Adriana. I'm a clinical informatics associate, and I train and support the clinical staff for the medical group within our local.

[B]

She restocks the vending machines. I'll say it, America, We have to be honest. We're on television.

[A]

And my name is Barbara. I'm in sales for an optical distributor who works with the visually impaired. She's waiting for responses on job monkey. Is that job site called?

[B]

No, I work with the visually impaired. Including the person who recommended this sweater to you. Mm.

[A]

I'm also trying. Sorry, I was taking a sip of Topo.

[B]

Sorry. You're drinking Topo Chico?

[A]

Yeah, you know I was. I am also trying to help out a romantically impaired person. Adriana, I'm on the phone. Please get off of my leg. We'll get to her.

[B]

She's really romantically impaired. So Adriana's like, my mother's a wonderful woman. She is one of the most generous people I know. And I don't know many people is what I'm trying to say. I hate her. I hate my mother.

[A]

I mean, I would assume she's generous. She doesn't really have a lot when she's gonna. When she dies. I'm buying the dirt, let's put it that way. Right, Mom? But, you know, she is nice somewhat. Don't really understand her job title, but she is my mother.

[B]

And then we see them walking around the lake. Barb, Adriana, and their. And Adriana's daughter Elena. And Adriana's like, oh, my God, I'm so glad the sun came out. Look how beautiful it is. Well, I mean, the sun. I mean, what, you want to get skin cancer? That's beautiful to you? I'd rather be indoors.

[A]

I wish the sun came out. Oh, I'm sorry. Too soon?

[B]

That time you saw sunlight once in a while. Mom, doesn't this remind you of how much you love camping and camping stoves and things like that? I never said it like that kind of stuff. What are you trying to say about me?

[A]

And they're also with Elena, who's Adriana's daughter. Also, a lot of A's in her name as well. Three A's in her name as well. It's like a three A theme. B, A, R, B, A, R, A. That's three A's. Audriana is three A's, and Elena is three A's. They're all three A's. I didn't realize that. That's crazy. Who does that as a theme?

[B]

These people do. These deranged motherfuckers.

[A]

I want to be like the Kardashians, but three. Okay, so kkk. No, that's probably a bit much. We already live in Danbury. Let's just start with the first letter.

[B]

Just put it in throughout the. Throughout the name. Just sort of scatter it throughout the name. So Adrian was like. So I'm a single mother, and my mom helps me out a lot with my daughter, which is a huge help, except for when she gets my daughter banned from. From salons and she can't get her hair cut anywhere. Well, it's not my fault. I called up, I said, hello, this is Barbara Harris. I'd like to speak with the person who cut my daughter's hair this length. It's unacceptable. It's not right. And I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.

[A]

We would do anything for one another. If she needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat. Even though my heart doesn't beat very regularly. The doctor said I could go at any minute. Mom, don't talk like that.

[B]

Even though I don't have many heartbeats left and she wants to put me in the basement. But that's fine. That's fine. I'm her mother. I'll take it.

[A]

I'll be there in a heartbeat. Well, or at least as long as it takes me to climb up the basement steps, you know, hoping that there are no puddles on them due to recent rains, that I could possibly slip down and break my neck.

[B]

I'll be there in a hotbeat is words that she never heard on a dating app. My daughter, she tries to.

[A]

So Barbara and Adriana. Yeah. Have been living in separate rental homes in Danbury, Connecticut, for the past six years, and now they've decided to pool their resources and buy a home together.

[B]

Well, we both are paying rent. I mean, why are we making someone else rich? Am I right? I mean, here I thought about 20 years ago my daughter would be supporting me, but that's fine. Let's make someone else. Let's make. Let's make. Let's make Samuel Bronstein down the street wealthy so he can take his. His wife Linda. They can throw tennis balls out on the road.

[A]

His bitch wife Linda, Lord knows she needs some more money. Yeah. Build that wiffle ball court she's been wanting so bad. With a budget of $360,000, they hope to stay in their current town. Is your current town a cardboard box in front of a target? $360,000 ain't getting you shit. I'm telling you that right now, especially in Connecticut. Isn't Connecticut Fancy?

[B]

I know. 360,000. Hello, Linda, this is Barbara Harris. I'm calling. I would prefer it if you would keep our financials off of television. It's a private affair. Thank you very much.

[A]

I'm sorry, ma'. Am. This is still NASA. Well.

[B]

Keep it on hold.

[A]

Same principles. All right, so back in the coffee shop. So, Adrianna. Oh, my God. I cringed a little at this part of you. She goes, you know, there's a lot of diversity in Danbury. We have so many different cultures, so many different foods. You can get Peruvian faux Vietnam.

[B]

But you know what? You can't Get. You can't get a good pastrami on rye. Why is it so hard and so.

[A]

Yeah, I love fovenom. I mean, oh, God.

[B]

I love going out and getting some faux Vietnam.

[A]

Yeah, delicious. Yeah, it's very diverse, but at the same time, you get a small town feel. It's not that diverse. Big town feel. You know what I mean? Small, scary. You know, you don't have to cover your purse as much here.

[B]

You can walk into that faux Vietnam footloosing, fancy free. No one's gonna attack you.

[A]

Literally footloose. Because dancing is illegal here.

[B]

Or at least that's what I tell Audriana. Hold on one second. Hello? Is this the mayor's office? This is. This is proper high school. I'd like to report a dancer on Main Street.

[A]

What do you mean it's still not illegal? Listen, don't tell my daughter that, because she still hasn't been asked to one.

[B]

They were doing the Charleston, which really ruins the brand of Danbury. Can we create a dance? If they're going to dance, can we create a dance called the Danbury? Thank you very much.

[A]

Listen, it's very diverse, okay? And we consider the surrounding towns. If we couldn't find anything in Danbury, you know, our biggest challenge, we're really looking for something very, very specific. We need something. Separate living spaces here. They call them in law suites. Now, listen, I just want. I just want to keep calling it that because I think it's the only way that my daughter's ever going to have that word in her life.

[B]

Audrey is like. But we have to be separate, okay? I cannot hear this woman's voice in my head 24 hours a day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, look, I know some in law suites are like studio apartments. That's what I hear. But listen here, I definitely want a bedroom, okay? I want a bathroom, and my own kitchen is a must. And let me tell you, I don't want a kitchen that only speaks Spanish because this is America and I'm. I'm for diversity, but not in my own basement kitchen. Do you understand?

[B]

I've. I've recently researched many faux Vietnam recipes, and I've learned that I'm going to need a full kitchen in order to. To see them through. I'm not going up to Adriana's kitchen with the three letters. Her three letters and bad cleaning skills.

[A]

So they are looking through houses on an iPad, and Adriana's like, oh, my God, look at the kitchen. It has a backsplash. It's so updated. And we See a picture of it. It is not updated. I don't know. I don't know where these people are.

[B]

Currently living, but I'm worried they don't have a grasp on reality. Okay? They want to buy a place for $360,000 in Connecticut. And here's what they want. Two houses for one. Here's what we want. Okay? Adriana wants a five bedroom house with an updated modern kitchen and a backyard and a terrace. And then I want the same thing, but downstairs.

[A]

What's so hard? So Adriana's like, I'd really love an updated kitchen. Granite countertops. Oh, my God, I must have a dishwasher. Yeah. Normally people would say, hey, I have a dishwasher. And they'd point at her husband. Unfortunately, Audriana, let me look at her. I'm sorry, did I cut you off? Go ahead, honey.

[B]

A dish. What do you call a machine that makes a dish cry? Dish crier.

[A]

What do you call a machine that makes the dishes get up and walk out of the room? Because that's definitely the kind that my daughter attracts.

[B]

Here's what I would like in my basement suite. I would love an updated kitchen, because who wouldn't love that? Lighting is number one for me, okay. Because this skin needs to be seen, and I don't want to be seen by sun. I want. I want good, natural light that's not the sun. And if there were not a lot of natural light in the living area, I mean, that's going to be a deal breaker for me. So here's what I want. A basement with a lot of natural light. Thank you.

[A]

A basement with glass walls, not surrounded by dark.

[B]

And then they see another house. And Adriana's like, oh, my God, I love this deck. That'd be so nice for entertaining. Oh, yeah. You know, I love. I would love to understand what the concept of entertaining is, because it's definitely not coming from your jokes.

[A]

Well, it would definitely be the first time anyone left you and said, wow, I was in a daint. You know, that deck. How pretty. And look at the view. And then you look at the view, and it's a backyard.

[B]

You know, it's just the backyard.

[A]

And Andreana's like, I just need a bad nice back deck or a front porch where I can entertain. God, I want to entertain so bad. I'd really love a home with a beautiful yard. An acre of land would be ideal. And maybe stage anywhere to entertain. Does a microphone come with this backyard?

[B]

Who's gonna mow that acre of land? Your daughter No, I don't think so. You know how hard it is. You know how hard Linda Bronstein had to find. Took how long it took for her to find someone to mow her lawn. No one's gonna want mow her lawn.

[A]

So Adriana's like, we'll figure it out later, mother. But okay, I would like a Cape Cod style home or a craftsman style, because I love architectural designs. You know, all the intricate woodworking when. When you see what she really likes. This is hilarious. I think she's just her words and is repeating them. Yeah.

[B]

You know what I love? Non Architectural designs. Of course you want architectural design. So Barbara goes, you know what? She loves a home. Oh, I love this, by the way. This little part here made me so happy. It was like, I think we've been waiting for someone to say this. She goes, you know, she loves all these little details that craftman houses have. You know, to me, that just reminds me of my childhood, of all those old details we used to have in the houses. I like a more clean look. She's like, who wants to think about their childhood? I was waiting.

[A]

You know, we used to have. When I was growing up, artistry. I mean, getting a staircase put in would take months. Who needs it?

[B]

You know, I don't want any of that.

[A]

You know, tie some milk crates together, that's all I need.

[B]

I want. I did want somebody. A clean look. Okay. I want something that's named after her favorite salad dressing. Ranch.

[A]

Low calorie, though, because we're sharing it.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's called Hidden Valley Ranch, but I think this one over here found the hidden one. They should just rename it Audrianna. Found it.

[A]

Finding Valley Ranch. That's my daughter.

[B]

Put that in your vending machine.

[A]

So she's like, okay, if I had to say, who's the more stubborn of the two of us? It was. It would definitely be me. And Adriana goes, no, it would definitely be me. It would be me. It would be me, Mother.

[B]

I thought they pointed at each other and said it would be her. They said me.

[A]

Oh, that would make more sense that they're fighting, that the other is more stubborn. So Barb's like, audriana, you know what? I'm sorry, but I'm your mother, so I'm correct.

[B]

Wow. Well, today, their agent, Corey, has a permanent saliva bubble in the throat, and he's showing Adriana and Barbara a home just outside of Danbury in Bethel, Connecticut.

[A]

Today, their realtor, Corey, takes a break from snorting benzos to Drive them around. Nord knows how he's even walking at this point. I mean, this guy shows up. He's like the actress from. He's like the actress from that teenage show on HBO where they're like, oh, teenagers are bad and do drugs and have sex. What's that show called?

[B]

Oh, Euphoria.

[A]

Euphoria. The girl who has kind of like dead eyes. Do you know what actress I'm talking about? She. The producer that. That older producer lady got in trouble for saying. What is with that actress? Like, she's not even talented. She's not even pretty. Like, what's up with that girl getting all these roles, which. I really like the actress, but I think that was horrible of that producer. Oh, God. Now I have to look it up because I'm confusing the entire audience. And we have to know this girl's name. Oh, Sydney Sweeney.

[B]

Oh, Sydney Sweeney. He's like a very suburban, generic, Connecticut male version of Sydney Sweeney that's such.

[A]

He has Sydney Sweeney eyes. You know when Sydney Sweeney is just like, I feel nothing. She's giving that look.

[B]

He's got Sydney Sweeney eyes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He'll confuse you. He'll please you.

[A]

If it's my daughter, she'll lose you. I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I inserted you into Sydney Sweeney eyes. That was for the real.

[B]

Hello? Hello, Linda. This is Barbara Harris calling. I'm just calling. I don't think it's really anyone's business what city we're looking in at this moment. So I would appreciate it if, going forward, you wouldn't tell people watching if we're in Bethel or Danbury or anywhere. It's very unsafe, and there are a lot of sickos out there.

[A]

I don't want to call you a. Because I don't want to curse at you, but I will say this. If you with my privacy one more time, I'm calling the HIPAA police.

[B]

I'm sorry, this is NASA. You've reached the wrong number.

[A]

Today, Dead Eyes, Corey is showing Adriana Barbara the home outside of Danbury in Bethel, Connecticut. Specifically 32.3 Connecticut. You. So Corey's like, so the home I'm showing you today isn't in danbury, but it's 10 minutes from the city center. It's so difficult to find a home within in law suite.

[B]

Especially in our community like Denver, Connecticut, because it's just not a lot of inventory here. So they. They go to this place. House number one is 329,000. So below Budge, and it's 1700 square foot plus on an upper level, but it's like 500 square feet on the lower level. It's like a nice property. Let's just shop half an acre.

[A]

And Barbara's like, it's a ranch. You know, that's my favorite. Andrea's like, yeah, I love it. She's. We know, honey, we know. You can't drink this house. Okay, calm down. So is this a ranch? Because this is a two story home. That's not a ranch. Isn't a ranch a one story home?

[B]

Yeah, you know, that's what I always thought, but I think these are. It's a split level ranch. I think, believe it or not, I do think this is considered a ranch. I always thought ranches were one level, but I think, Let me look, let me look, let me look. You know what? Hello. I'd like to find out what. What's the definition of a ranch home?

[A]

What's a one story house? Ranch style houses are typically single story structures, which means they don't have multiple. Well, that says typically, which leaves it open because I think later in this episode they start calling it an upper ranch.

[B]

Yeah, I. The, the, like the split level home has. It has a name. It has a name. I think it's just called a split level. Just like a classic suburban split level home. Like, these are all over Connecticut. I can tell you, as someone who's been there, I can hold someone who.

[A]

Like, went there after prom.

[B]

As someone who's like, literally there like yesterday, I can say like, I. By the way, I did go to an after prom party around this area. It's really funny that you said that.

[A]

I'm sure. Didn't you just say you went there to Uno after prom or something?

[B]

No, I said I went to a date. I went to a date at Pizzeria Uno, a girl named Alex.

[A]

Okay, so they're going to see this not ranch house that they're calling ranch, and it is hideous. They walk in. I was like, oh, ouch. Wow, they're getting fucked with this one. And they both go, whoa, this is so pretty. And Adriana's like, love the kitchen. Oh, my God, the cabinets. They are so nice. I love how they have a window. There's a window in a kitchen. A kitchen with a window. Oh, gosh, I know. That's my favorite.

[B]

Like, ugh, it's so updated. It's updated and modern. Just what you want. It's like brown granite with like a tins. A tin sink in it. Be like, ah, you know what, Adriana? You could be you should be friends with this house. That way, you finally have a pretty friend. This is just gorgeous.

[A]

This would be great for you and Elena. Okay. Alayena, actually, she's got four. Wait, Elena?

[B]

No, I think that was just a typo on for Elena, though. I just. You know, sometimes we add an extra A just. Just to make her feel heard, you know, Gen Z. Because.

[A]

So Barbara's like, oh, my God. It's just enough. But not too much, right? And it's so open. So that's really nice. You know, I hate. Like, back in the old days, they used to spend all this money on putting walls in homes. I mean, disgusting.

[B]

The houses used to have character. Who needs it? So then they go out to the back deck, and they're like, look, this is beautiful. And it's just, like, trees. Like, yeah, this is nice. This is nice. I just love this deck. I can't wait to invite all my friends over. Oh, by the way, realtor person, Corey, do you know if this house is haunted? Because I think that, like, maybe Audriana could use some ghost friends to fill out this deck. I don't know who else is coming over.

[A]

We've been watching the show on cbs, and it's my new goal for her. I mean, for her to be able to have a friend that can't leave.

[B]

I was like, it's great, because now she can finally have a friend instead of always using that in terms of her dating, getting ghost. See what I'm trying? I'm trying. Audrey, my granddaughter, taught me about that word. I'm trying to find it out.

[A]

I mean, listen, if you know somebody else who finds it impossible to actually turn a doorknob, I'm open. I'm all ears.

[B]

They look. They really like this. And then there's also a bonus deck downstairs. So everything is good. Everything's going well. And then there's some guest bedrooms and everything. So then they go into the master bedroom, and Adriana's like, okay, well, it's a little oddly shaped, but I think it's definitely doable. Is there a bathroom here? Because that would be awesome. But it's tiny.

[A]

It's like a little, tiny closet. What is this, a closet or a bathroom? And I think they're right. I think it is a closet. This is with a bathroom. Now, listen, I know we're supposed to be diverse. Is this a faux Vietnam bathroom or what?

[B]

This is the tiniest bathroom that I've seen in a very long time. I think I would like to. I feel like I need to Call someone. I just don't know who to call about this.

[A]

So Adriana's like, oh, my God. This is like an airplane bathroom. I'm pooping in here immediately. I'm sorry. It's a thing I do. It's the thing.

[B]

How do you think she got pregnant? So Corey's like, Cory's.

[A]

Oh, God, again, There's no doorknob to turn. I'm telling you, it's her thing.

[B]

Cory's like, yeah, this is the only.

[A]

Bath in the house.

[B]

Full bath in the house. They both like, only. Only one in the house.

[A]

And Barbara goes, what? I can't come up to use her shower? What? Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to move from a campfire stove, go up the stairs to a shower? What am I, mountain woman? I love that Corey does not even try. Corey's just like, I can't find a split level. And like, I. You have one bathroom and it's a sink.

[B]

Yeah, that situation was terrible. So then they go. They see the other. The full bath. And Andrea's like, I do like it. I like the white wood cabin. It's very nice. And Barbara's like, it's cute. It's cute. But. But I think I would have better luck finding you a date for Friday night than enjoying taking a dump in this thing.

[A]

And it is not cute, by the way. So then our note writer today, Colleen, wrote. Barb pulls back the shower curtain to reveal the tub from saw.

[B]

Yep, that's it. That was it, Colleen. Yep, that was it. The bathroom is like, okay. And then they do this. And Barb goes, that's not cute. This looks like your online dating profile right here.

[A]

Not cute. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's like. It's like your Yelp reviews. This is horrible.

[B]

Hey, do you have. Do you have some ranch? Come on, Audrey, you have some. You have a bottle of ranch. We just pour it on that thing so we don't have to look at it.

[A]

Oh, listen, listen, Dead Eyed Sydney Sweeney. I'm going to. I'm going to just tell you one thing. This is horrible. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Adriana's ear, nose, and throat doctor. Maybe you could resurface it. They told me that they don't do faces there. You know what? You got to try.

[B]

Or maybe we could just think about it the way Adriana talks about butter. Maybe get a whole new tub.

[A]

What is wrong with us? These people are so nice. They've done nothing to us. Okay, so now we'll Go.

[B]

We're just leaning into tropes of overbearing mothers who just.

[A]

It's always the same.

[B]

Berate the daughters if we really have.

[A]

Issues with our mothers, that this is what we turn every mother and daughter situation into. So, okay, so now they go see Barbara's face downstairs. And Barbara goes, huh? Corey, is this it? Corey? Corey, are you okay? Oh, my God. Corey's having a stroke. Somebody get a doctor in here. Corey's foaming at the mouth, and his eyes are drifting. I'm here. Oh, sorry. It's just. It's Corey's resting stroke face, I guess. All right, Corey.

[B]

Bravo. Goes. Well, this is nice down here, but it's just one room, right?

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, there's one room. Yeah. Well, you know what? You know, it's light. I like that it's light. But then these two. There's poles. There's poles in the middle of my suite. I don't want to have a reminder of Adrianna's first job right here.

[A]

Now there's two jobs that Adrianna couldn't keep. Oh, God bless her.

[B]

What? I'm talking about track and field, pole vaulting. Head out the gutter cup, Corey.

[A]

She almost made it over, but her FUPA made it. Made her lose a point at the top of that pole there. It was just like the Olympics, which.

[B]

We all know FUPA stands for famous under.

[A]

Pussy ass.

[B]

Mom, you don't have to try to smooth it over every time you insult me like that. I was trying to help.

[A]

So you've seen that video, right, of the Olympics guy ruining his Olympic structure was too big. Oh, my God. Sorry, sorry. Back to big dick privilege. Sorry. Back to just being handed everything else in life because you got a big one. Poor guy.

[B]

So then, yeah, Audrey Anna's like, well, this place really. This one really has a lot of charm to it. Charm? Charm? Since when do you know anything about charm? Okay. Have you seen your flat ends? Come on. Not even a thing. Flat ends. I invented it.

[A]

I didn't know what it was. I thought it was, like, something wrong with her hair. I was like, she's got flat ends. I love it.

[B]

I would tell her to get her flat ends fixed, but unfortunately, we're banned from every salon in town.

[A]

Flat ends. Corey's like, keep in mind, we're $30,000 under budget, so there's room where you can maybe like, put in things that you would need, like a kitchen and a bath and an outdoor area and a swimming pool.

[B]

And a bathroom and a kitchen and a closet area. I can see that? $30,000 going down real quickly.

[A]

Yeah. So obviously the basement needs work to accommodate your needs. So she says, well, guess what? This space as it is does not meet my needs. So if you'll excuse me. Flip open the phone. Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. This home does not fit my needs. Ma', am, this is a Domino's. Get the manager on the phone.

[B]

This is Barbara Harris.

[A]

Barbara Harris, get me Pho Vietnam on the phone right now.

[B]

If you're. I just had a thought. Hello, this is Barbara Harris, one of your customers. I just had a thought. If you're thinking about opening up a new franchise, the basement of this house would be a great opportunity for you because. Because I'm sure as hell no one's gonna live in it. Thank you so much. You've got the great diverse work.

[A]

So diverse. We're so diverse here. They ask number one for English, number two for a language no one here even speaks. So what are you gonna pick? I press 3 every time just to see where they're gonna send me.

[B]

So. So Corey finds them a home with a space that Barbara wants. But there's a catch.

[A]

It's listed over budget at $370 million.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. I took a moment to listen to that because there's a catch. Yet another phrase my daughter's never heard on a dating app.

[A]

So now they're in the coffee shop and Barbara and Adriana are talking it over and they're like, I'm exhausted. And she's like, okay, honey, let's sit down and talk this over. Mother and daughter, Barbara and Adriana are looking to pool their resources to see if they can afford another vow for their names. But a house to suit both of their needs may be difficult to find. And their cheap ass, poor person budget.

[B]

Listen, Audrey, don't get discouraged. No, I know there's a house out there for us. No, I meant about your flat ends. You'll get someone to pick you.

[A]

But listen, we need something very specific. It's not easy to find. Okay. A basement that's not underground, etc. Etc. Well, they've seen a ranch style home that came in under budget in the neighboring town of Bethel. It had an upgraded kitchen, a large yard that Adriana wants, but it only had one full bath, and the in law suite needed to work to meet Barbara's needs. Barbara was quoted as saying, I've already been burdened with one disappointment in my life, and I'm living with her. Do I have to live with another?

[B]

So their agent has lined up another home that he can drool all over in the space if they want.

[A]

Let's hope there are paper towels left behind.

[B]

There. Hopefully it's made of good construction so he doesn't mouth breathe it over like the big bad wolf.

[A]

Okay, so I think you're really going to like this one. It has a lot of features. You're looking for. Oh, my God. Things that I've been paying men to tell my daughter.

[B]

This one's coming in a little over budget with a list price of $370,000. Oh, wow, Corey, that's a lot. But look, it's ranch. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Adrian, I got you excited there. I. I meant to say it's a ranch.

[A]

I just wanted to watch Adriana lick the walls again. Makes me laugh every time. Who says she's not entertaining.

[B]

Audrey and was like, well, it's nice, but I don't know about ranch. I mean, it's not my craftsman. Well, I mean, you wanting any sort of a man is a quite big. A big ask, if you ask me.

[A]

Listen, she wants to look at crafts. She wants to look at ranch. I mean, next just sent her to a chocolate cake, you know.

[B]

Please. If the next house is made of Mac and cheese, she'll be happy.

[A]

Do you have a house made of helmets? Okay, do you have the Hellman style that we can go to?

[B]

Can you just stack a bunch of deli turkey up to make a wall.

[A]

So they go inside? And this one's kind of cute. I think it's a big stone fireplace. It's kind of 50s and groovy and they like it. But Corey goes, that's not actually a fireplace because the owners had a wood burning stove insert in there.

[B]

What about the lack of a chimney and the lack of a fireplace makes them think that it would be anything other than not a fireplace. There's like. It's just like a stone thing. And he's like, guys, it's not actually a fireplace. I was like, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. There's nothing about that that looks like a fireplace.

[A]

Well, this is nice, but the color of the cabinets and those floors. Well, they're wood cabinets, which I, you know, I mean, I guess that's subjective, but I just don't understand why I'm supposed to believe her taste. Because she has shown none so far. Why do you not like those? But then you love the cabinets. The one before. They were like Formica weird stained cabinets.

[B]

Yeah, I don't Know, the last house, she really liked it, and that was. But ugly. This one has actually a pretty good layout, even though it's definitely old. And apparently it was built in 1978. Well, Barbara's like, what year was this house built again? Hello, Corey, this is Barbara Harris. What year was this house built again? A.

[A]

This house was built in 1978. Oh, my God. The last time I had hoped that my daughter was going to date. So let me tell you, that wall stove looks like it's from 1978. I'm sorry I said it. Guess what? That's Barbara. You just got barbered.

[B]

Sometimes you got to say the real truth, okay? And that's the truth about that stove.

[A]

That's. You just got barbered. So they look at the back deck and they're like, oh, my God, look at this deck. It's beautiful. Look at the view. It's a tree. This is insane.

[B]

Yeah, well, you're on about an acre and a half of land, but, like, gives you like a nice buffer back here in the woods because between you and a neighboring property. Oh, good. That way, when my daughter has parties of negative five people, the noise won't overwhelm the neighbors. Thank you.

[A]

So basically, I don't want to keep anybody up from the knitting needles clinking against each other.

[B]

Hopefully the sound of Adriana sweeping an empty patio will keep anyone awake.

[A]

Adriana, just please don't clean out the kitty litter in the middle of the night.

[B]

Unfortunately, at 2am she sometimes walks out there while she's sleeping and does stomp. So it could be a real problem with the neighbors.

[A]

So they look through the house. There's little tiny bedrooms. And the master bedroom is this, like, little alcove. It's not great. And there is a bathroom.

[B]

I thought it was all right. It just. It has an alcove, but it wasn't. It wasn't an alcohol. I thought it was.

[A]

Okay. I was like, yeah, alcove, bedroom. Gross. But now it's. Now sounds nice. By the way, I watched this five minutes ago, and I'm already like, scrubbed.

[B]

It from my brain alcove.

[A]

It's disgusting. So they kind of like it. And then across the house is the in law suite. And Corey's like, well, you have your own kitchen here. She goes, yeah, my own kitchen. And she goes, well, what's wrong with it, Mom? And she's like, you know, it's a little. Oh, God, it's just something you'll never be, honey. It's just a little dated, and it just reminds me of a 1950s kitchen, you know, with a little fruits there on the tiles. I mean, what, is Corey pasting himself all over my kitchen? No offense. Corey.

[B]

Corey, are these your selfies?

[A]

These would have been your selfies before cell phones. We used to just represent ourselves with fruit.

[B]

It's. Listen, Corey, we are accepting here, and we love the diversity you bring to this community, so.

[A]

But you're no banana. You know what I mean?

[B]

Now she's homophobic. She just keeps getting.

[A]

Well, she said everybody take. Makes themselves a fruit. She's like, take it from a pan.

[B]

You know what? Okay, you know what? I hate this kind of countertop. Can I talk about something? Okay, this countertop, I don't like this. Okay, that would. This would have to go right away, you know? Okay. First thing that goes, my daughter. I'm kicking her out. I already don't even want her. This whole place is mine, and I don't want this countertop either. And this is nice. So, I mean, what am I going to do with this? It's like, mom, stop pointing at Corey when you say that he shouldn't be here.

[A]

I just need to cover this in some way. Corey, could you help me take up this countertop? And we're going to cover you with it. Just stand behind the countertop.

[B]

Adrianna, can you find a tarp somewhere? That's also one of her skills.

[A]

So then there's like a utility wall with a cable box and electricity box. And Barbara goes, what am I supposed to do with this?

[B]

She's acting like there's like a dead body in there.

[A]

Out of all they've seen, this is the easiest thing to cover up. She's like an electricity box. What am I supposed to do with this? I've got three A's in my name, and they're like, well, you can easily cover that up. She goes, oh, yeah, yeah, cover it up. Fix it, Fix it. Fix it here, fix it there. I don't know. I just keep seeing dollar signs.

[B]

Hello, Con Edison, this is Barbara Harris calling them. One of your customers. It's come to my attention that there are three separate electrical boxes in my bedroom. This is both a health hazard and a visual disgust to me. I would like you to remove these right away. And if you cannot do this, I am happy to escalate this up to the mayor's office. Thank you so much, Barbara Harris. That's B, A, B, A, R, B, A, R, B, A, Harris. Thank you.

[A]

I'm just warning if you don't answer me, we're going to dance. Not literally, because I'm getting the mayor to outlaw that.

[B]

Hold on one second. Hello, this is. Hello, this is Barbara Harris. In my anger, I put an extra B in my name, said bar B A, R B, A. My name is not Bar Bar. It was. It was. It was an audio typo, and I apologize.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Bar.

[A]

A. Mom, get off the phone. I'm sorry. I've got to go. My genetic typo is talking to me now. I'll call you back.

[B]

Sometimes I go to the library. I get very excited because I see a book that's called Babar, and I have say, no, that's not how you spell your name. It's. It's tricky. It's a tricky name.

[A]

So they keep looking. They hate the carpeting. And this house gets kind of gross. There's, like, pee stains on one. And Barbara's like, oh, my God, look at that. What did. A dog peed there? And Adriana goes, yeah, it is pretty gross. And Cory's like, okay, so why don't we take a look at the bathroom then?

[B]

And they go to the bedroom, and Barbara goes, only one window. She's just outraged that she does not have this, like, luxury in law suite. But that's a different piece name in it.

[A]

Yeah. And Barbara's like, I need light. So Barbara's like, well, there's no bathtub, but this would definitely work for me. Corey, let's try it. Get in. Let's take it for a spin call.

[B]

Oh, look, he just crashed into a wall again. Okay, Adriana, take the sheet off of Corey.

[A]

So they kind of like this place. And Adriana's like, oh, my God, there was a deck. And I can entertain there. I'm really looking to entertain. Really, really looking forward to it.

[B]

So now. So now their agent has found them a home in need of viewer updates. But there's still an issue, mainly that these two are going to live in it.

[A]

Who do you feel more sorry for? These two at the house.

[B]

So we go back to this coffee shop, and the waitress brings in their food. And Barbara's like, thank you so much, and Audrey. And I was like, oh, this looks really good, because I know you're starving, right?

[A]

By the way, this did not look good. It was like a gray wrap. There was no color. Like, the wrap was the same color as the toothpicks that were the same color as the chips that were the same color as the plate. I mean, it was hideous. And yeah, the mom's like, you're starving, right? She goes, I am. She goes, Me too, which is why I'm only drinking coffee. You know what? You can lead a horse to water.

[B]

Barbara and her daughter Audriana have a $360,000 budget which will not afford any of the houses that they really want to get whatsoever.

[A]

So they're going to look at their target area. Target area of Danbury, Connecticut. And today we get Elena, the daughter with three A's, tagging along. Today we're looking at a four bed, three bath house, about 1500. Mom, why does this guy sound like he's gurgling? It's just how he is. Elena, just ignore him, all right? It's. It's people without three vowels in their name. They're weird.

[B]

So Cory's like, this is a Cape Cod style home. Unfortunately, I think you're looking at Adriana's potato chips. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Mom, you stop talking about my daughter's style like that. I'm sorry. I thought you were talking about a drape rod. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. Corey.

[B]

Ugh. Corey, what is that noise? That. What is that generic noise that I've never heard before in my life?

[A]

Never heard it in my life? What is that unique noise, Corey?

[B]

Oh, man. Is there an alien invasion happening right here in Danbury, Connecticut? This is awful. Corey, what is that noise?

[A]

Can we get that redhead with the squinty eyes and the depressing show on HBO called Sharp Objects to come talk to these people to decipher this crazy noise for us?

[B]

Hold on. NASA's been on hold for three days. Hey, NASA, guess what? We found the alien invasion. This is Barbara Harris. It's happening at a house in Danbury. There's an unidentified noise. It's very scary. Please send your agents over here right away.

[A]

Barb. Barbara, Damn it. I'm trying to help Barbara, but she keeps hanging up. If Barbara calls back to NASA, please keep her on the phone no matter what you do. She finally got NASA interested. Gotta go, NASA. We're gonna figure this mystery out. Corey's like, it's traffic.

[B]

The highway I love. She's like, never heard highway noise before. What is that noise?

[A]

Like, they didn't just literally come off the highway to come see this house. What is this noise? This is insanity.

[B]

It's also like white noise. She's like, ah, the piercing sound of the highway.

[A]

Oh, white noise. Listen, what are we in Danbury? I could use some diverse noise.

[B]

Yeah, well, you're very, very close to the highway. Ugh. And now listen to it. Oh, sorry. That was me. That one was me.

[A]

So they look at this house. This house is, like, fine. I guess this one's the new one, right? This was a foreclosure. And they came in and refixed it, which means it's just basically coated in, you know, Formica and plastic, slapped some new paint on and stuff like that. And they're like, this is beautiful. I think I'm gonna like it here.

[B]

They love it. And Barbara's like, you know, I was worried when you said foreclosure, but they did a nice job. And it's an open concept here. The windows are beautifully done.

[A]

Listen, I've heard the word before. It's usually what I say to the men that leave my daughter. I say, please just come to dinner. They say, why? I say, foreclosure. Please just explain why so I don't have to keep coming up with excuses.

[B]

I'll serve my best. Lean Cuisine, Awfully kitchen. So they look, and Adrian is like, wow, look at this. All new appliances. And they're newly updated. I'd love the dark cabinets. Mother, you won't take this away from me, will you? I mean, it's just an. It's just. It's. It's an unrealistic dream audreon, as usual, give a girl three A's, and she dreams of.

[A]

Of having the world give it a penis, a job. It'll officially be too unattainable for you. Corey, what else? He's like, well, this one has a Jack and a Jill bathroom, which, you know, you share that with a fourth bedroom. And Adriana goes, oh, well, that's kind of weird, right, Mom? That is a little bit odd. I mean, that someone else would be living in this Jill. Listen, we can be the Jills, but I think we've all given up the hope of ever there being a Jack in this house.

[B]

Hold on one second. I have a phone call to make. Hello? Linda Bronstein, this is. This is Barbara Harris. It's come to my attention that your daughter, Jill has recently been squatting in our future house. This is unacceptable behavior. She needs to get a job, and she needs to get it soon.

[A]

Okay, I'm sorry. Is that the freeway here behind you? I'm just gonna finish up this tennis ball.

[B]

Are you in? Samuel Playing tennis again? I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about.

[A]

It went out of bounds. I'm gonna.

[B]

Well, she's being unresponsive. I don't know what to do. I think Jill is totally irresponsible. And let me tell you something. Ever since she came back from Vassar, she's been a. She's been a burden to all of us. Let's be honest. It takes a village, but it also.

[A]

Wait a minute. Are we in Linda's neighborhood?

[B]

What on earth is that noise?

[A]

Has Linda been abducted by aliens?

[B]

Hold on. Let's call NASA. We have to let them know that Linda Bronstein's been abducted.

[A]

Okay, so they check out the basement. It's really sad. It's like. It's really, really sad down here. And she's like, this is where. Like, there's no kitchenette down there. There's no bedroom down there. And she goes, what do you mean? It's perfect. You could put a little camping stove. Mom.

[B]

Like, seriously, that shelf. Barbara's, like, angry now. Barbara's like, are you serious? You have the big, beautiful renovated kitchen upstairs, and you want me to have a camping stove down here?

[A]

That's just not quite enough space down here for me, Audrianna. And she's like, well, I love the house. I mean, there's so many updates, and the kitchen's just beautiful. The only downfall is that back porch. You know, the noise. I mean, can I really entertain them that.

[B]

How can you entertain when there's alien abductions happening left and right? No one's hurt. You know something? No one's heard from Linda Bronstein in three and a half minutes. By the way, I just want to mention that the Jack and Jill bathroom, like, that was horrifying because it was, like, supposed to be the ensuite, and it was a. It was. It was not much larger than that one tiny bathroom we saw. It was this narrow bathroom, and then on top of that, it's a shared bathroom. That was awful.

[A]

I don't even look at Jack and Jill bathrooms. Something happens to my brain. My brain just shuts off because I've been so traumatized in those where you're, like, pooping and then someone. Of course, both the doors are not ever locked, and so someone always comes in, like, what?

[B]

I can't believe. They're a terrible idea.

[A]

Jack and Jill. And that's, like, terrifying to me as somebody catching me poop. And I have some kind of trigger response whenever I see them, and my brain just shuts down. So I don't even remember that part in this episode.

[B]

I think, like, whoever thought a Jack and Jill bathroom was a good idea, like, they need to be examined. They are literally the worst concept of all time. Like, here. Here's someone taking a dump. You know what we should do? Create more access to them.

[A]

No, just more Doors to open. Okay, so now they have to talk over what they like. Right? So.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The first one's ugly, but ugly. The second one's hideous but also ugly. And the third one is gross, but newer. Gross, but still mostly ugly. What are they going to pick?

[B]

Well, you know what? I'm worried about my space. Are you spending too much time on that website? Mom, that site has not been around for 20 years. Well, I don't know. You know, I'm just trying to be young and connect with the people.

[A]

So they're like, well, the first house we hated. The second house we loved and was perfect. It's everything we need. The. The third house we hated. It's not good for us. What should we do here? And normally, that's the way they trick you. But not these people. They're like, I think we should take the second one. I was like, come on, you guys. Build up some suspense.

[B]

But the second one was the best option because there was no space for Barbara. Like, the first one was just, like, a room. The second. The third one was also just a room. And it was like the second one had stuff for her, even though it was definitely. Like, there was that peace stain and everything. So they move in there, and so we see them in two and a half weeks, and they're. They have put this, like, red furniture out. It's wild.

[A]

They're doing. They're doing weird things where they're like, we've been unpacking boxes for weeks. We're basically exhausted. Let's get a scene. Let's insert a scene here showing you of all the hard work we do. And it's Barbara putting a coffee table right next to a dresser. Like, it's blocking the access to the dresser. So she puts down a coffee table, and her daughter's like, oh, that's nice. And she goes, yeah, so people could put down their drinks.

[B]

She goes, oh, I love that.

[A]

She's like, I love that, Mom.

[B]

I just revolutionized entertaining.

[A]

Call NASA. I figured out what to do with tables.

[B]

You know what? I gave them an outrageously low offer. It was listed at 370, and we got it for 340. And it turns out this place is haunted. And my daughter's social life has never been better.

[A]

Look at her pouring champagne over there. Okay, you're pouring that on the carpet. It's into a ghost glass, Mother. Oh, God.

[B]

They are ghosts, but they use real things. Okay. Pour it into tangible objects. Okay.

[A]

Well, that brings us to the end of House Hunters Dwell. Hello. What a lovely time Mother and daughter, eh?

[B]

What a fun, wacky time. Yeah. I hope that the daughter never listens to this.

[A]

Either one of them, really. And yeah, if you do listen to it, this had nothing to do with you. You both seem like very lovely people. I feel like the nicest people.

[B]

We just create our own narratives. That's all it is.

[A]

Yeah. Don't worry, guys. It was nothing personal. You're all beautiful, you're all worthy.

[B]

And.

[A]

You'Re all go hug yourself.

[B]

Definitely have social lives. All right, well, thank you.

[A]

Your cabinets look great. Everything's great. You did a great job with the.

[B]

Coffee table and you finally found out where the aliens are there in Danbury. So thank you all, everyone, for being here and for listening. And we'll catch you in two weeks on another new Dwell. Hello. Oh, and if you have suggestions, then write them to watch whatcrappens gmail.com with the subject Dwell. Hello suggestion. Please use that phrase because we'll have a better chance of finding your recommendation when we do a search. Thanks everyone, and we'll catch you in the next one. Bye.

[A]

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[B]

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