Dwell Hello #419: London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #419: London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: September 19, 2024
Episode Theme:
Ben and Ronnie recap an episode of House Hunters International titled “London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu.” The hosts dive into the misadventures of Justine, a burnt-out London-based maternity nurse/nanny who seeks isolation and simplicity on the remote islands of Vanuatu—without fully understanding what off-the-grid, island life really entails. The episode is a hilarious roast of expat fantasies, Justine’s ill-prepared “off-grid” aspirations, and the realities of rural paradise.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene & Listener Recommendation

• The episode was suggested by a listener named Lucy.
• Ben expresses gratitude for modern amenities like flushing toilets and running water after watching this “wild” episode.
  • “I am just feeling particularly grateful for flushing toilets and running water after watching this latest episode.” (Ben, 01:56)
• They invite listeners to email future episode suggestions (“Dwell. Hello suggestions”).

2. Meet Justine: The London Nanny in Search of Escape

• Justine is introduced as a former London maternity nurse/nanny for the “1 percenters,” exhausted and seeking a remote life.
• The island of Vanuatu is described as “the happiest place on Earth,” but the hosts joke it quickly turns grim with Justine’s arrival.
  • “Justine bringing a dark cloud of misery to the sweet paradise known as Vanuatu.” (Ben, 05:17)
• She wants to “live off-grid but with all the conveniences.” Ronnie calls out the contradiction, a frequent expat fantasy.

3. Vanuatu Reality Check: Rustic Living Isn't Chic

• House prices are shockingly high; $300k doesn’t go far here.
  • “This one is, I think, the first House Hunters I’ve ever watched where I’m like, whoa, that’s all you’re getting for 300 grand? Are you fucking kidding me?” (Ronnie, 03:16)
• The real estate agent Sam, who the hosts adore, attempts to gently explain the lack of running water, electricity, and bathrooms.
• The comedic analysis begins:
  • “Hey, Justine, why don’t you just shit in your roller bag?” (Ben, 06:51)

4. The Pretense of ‘Off-Grid’ – A Deeper Satire

• Ronnie and Ben skewer the Western fantasy of “living like a local”:
  • “I love when people say this. I’m like, what have you done? ... Who are you running from that you need to live off the grid?” (Ronnie, 07:00)
• Commentary on expat gentrification and romanticizing “local” hardship comes up repeatedly:
  • “Especially white people just have this, like, fantasy of, like, I’m just going to fit, right? ... You’re gonna still bring your white lady stuff to it.” (Ben, 22:12)

5. Justine’s Background: Burnout, Privilege & Escapist Fantasies

• Flashbacks to her London life, working for ultra-rich families, “rarely had time off.”
• Ben and Ronnie speculate amusingly about her possible ex-employers (Caroline Stanbury, Baby Spice), and joke about her using household staff for herself.
• Justine’s privileged yet “tiring” lifestyle is mocked:
  • “Places that Justine saved money: the beauty salon, the clothing store, deodorant.” (Ronnie, 12:03)

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House Tours: The Escalating Absurdity

House 1: Deep Jungle Shack

• Features: Remote, no electricity, no running water, no indoor toilet. $200k for land and a “million-dollar view.”
• To use the bathroom, Justine is handed a shovel and a loose roll of toilet paper.
  • “He literally hands her a shovel. And there’s just a freestanding roll of toilet paper on a fence.” (Ben, 26:24)
• Everything is broken—solar panel, water tank, even the truck. The only utility is a utility lamp.
• The hosts lampoon Justine’s shock:
  • “She’s shocked that, like, living off the grid means that she really has to live off the grid.” (Ben, 28:36)
• Ronnie: “You can literally just turn do not disturb on your phone and tell everybody to f*** off. You don’t need to go this drastic.” (33:06)

House 2: Traditional Beach Hut

• Features: Slightly more upgraded hut, a detached shower and toilet shed (still with a bucket to flush), an outrigger canoe (but it likely doesn’t work), $280k.
• Justine balks at how much work everything requires—fetching water, heating it, and manually flushing the toilet:
  • “It sounds like it’s a lot to do just to have a shower.” (Justine, paraphrased at 42:53)
• The running joke: every vehicle is broken, nothing works.
  • “There’s a boat. Or if there is, we don’t have a tow truck company to get the car to the place that fixes the cars.” (Ronnie, 40:07)

House 3: The Expat-Ready McMansion

• Features: Modern home, running water, flushing toilet, large kitchen, close to neighbors, still relatively isolated and costly.
• Justine is reluctant—she wants isolation (“I just want to be myself by myself for a year or two”) but also the amenities.
• Ben: “This is kind of a no-brainer. Like, this is the house you should take.” (55:06)
• She gripes about the kitchen’s size, cleaning, and lack of food delivery:
  • “Do you guys have postmates here? Now, if I want to Uber into town, do you have Uber boats as well?” (Ben, 55:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Expat Delusion:
  • “You can’t say you want to live off the grid and then be like, ‘There’s no Vitamix!’” (Ronnie, 48:18)
• On Indigenous Housing:
  • “She’s making it sound like it’s this huge manse with computerized, like, fingerprint entries...” (Ben, 52:58)
• On Sam the Realtor:
  • “He just seems so sweet and lovely, and next thing you know, he’s boinking you, you know?” (Ben, 50:15)
• On Privilege and Reality:
  • “She’s asking if there’s, like, Postmates. You know what I mean? Like, she’s not ready to live the life she wants.” (Ronnie, 58:38)
• End result:
  • Justine chooses the “middle of the road” hut—slightly upgraded, but still remote, with basic amenities.
  • “I get up, I start the generator, I turn the water pump on, turn the tank on, start filling the buckets for whatever I need, take a pee... do that pretty much all day. Just a lot of filling up that toilet all day long.” (Justine, paraphrased at 59:55)
• Inevitable Outcome:
  • One month in, she gets bored and founds an “online nanny business”—admitting she uses electricity and internet after all.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:56 – Ben expresses newfound gratitude for toilets and running water
• 03:16 – Ronnie questions Vanuatu house prices
• 07:00 – Ronnie roasts the “off-grid” fantasy
• 12:03 – “Where Justine saved money” segment
• 21:09 – Satire on moving somewhere “to live like a local”
• 26:24 – The infamous shovel and toilet paper reveal
• 33:06 – “Justine just needs a nap, not an island.”
• 42:53 – Justine overwhelmed by basic chores
• 55:06 – Ben recommends the modern house
• 59:55 – Justine describes her evolved “bucket and generator” life
• 60:05 – Reveals she lasted only a month off-grid, returns to online work

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Tone, Humor, and Takeaways

The tone is irreverent, fast-paced, and lacerating. Ben and Ronnie’s love for Bravo-style spectacle is on display, as they walk the line between roasting “privileged white expat fantasy” and highlighting the real difficulties of rural, non-Western living. Their empathy for the locals of Vanuatu is matched only by their relentless skewering of Justine’s naïveté and contradictions.

Key Takeaway:
Moving off-grid is much less idyllic than Instagram and House Hunters make it seem—especially if you’re neither prepared nor willing to actually rough it. Respect local realities, and maybe, just maybe, be content with a working toilet.

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To suggest future episodes:
Email [e-mail] with the subject “Dwell. Hello suggestion.”

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“We mock because we love.”

Transcript

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ronnie]

Ding dong.

[Ben]

Ding ding ding ding ding.

[Ronnie]

Well, hello.

[Ben]

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's a watch of Crappin's House Hunters Podcast. Welcome back. We're here on Wonder plus recapping one of our favorite shows, House Hunters. This time, House Hunters International. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Hi, Ronnie, how's it going?

[Ronnie]

Well, hello. Doing great over here. What's going on with you today?

[Ben]

Not much. I am just feeling particularly grateful for flushing toilets and running water after watching this latest episode of House Hunters International, which took place on a beautiful island of Vanuatu. The episode is London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu. It's available on Max. Just type in that that name, you'll be able to pull it up and it's House Hunters International. Ronnie, do you know who recommended this to us or did you pick this one out of thin air? Sorry to put you on the spot.

[Ronnie]

I do not. Give me one second.

[Ben]

Well, while you look that up. Sorry I put you right on the spot. Right there. First of all, everyone, thanks, Lucy. Lucy.

[Ronnie]

Lucy sent this to us.

[Ben]

Yes, thank you, Lucy.

[Ronnie]

Thank you, Lucy.

[Ben]

This one was a fun one. Yes. So if you have episodes you'd like to send us, you can always email [e-mail] and just be sure to put as your subject, Dwell. Hello, suggestions. That way when we go to look up episodes to watch, that's the search term that we enter, Dwell. Hello, suggestions. So all those emails will pop up. So if you use a different subject, there's a good chance we may miss it. So with that being said, let's dive into this week's Dwell. Hello, shall we?

[Ronnie]

Dwell.

[Ben]

Hello.

[Ronnie]

Now, this is one of those episodes. You know how a lot of these were like, oh, my God, you have a budget that's so small and you're expecting so much. This one is, I think, the first house hunters I've ever watched where I'm like, whoa, that's all you're getting for 300 grand? Are you fucking kidding me? You need to be getting a lot more for your buck. Yeah, lady.

[Ben]

So we meet Justine. This is sort of like the. The pre credits sequence. And she's like, being in Walt you is the happiest place on Earth. And this guy Sam's like, very, very true. Sam, by the way, is the most adorable realtor. I feel like he is so cute. And all he does the whole episode is go, yeah, yeah.

[Ronnie]

He's not about peace, man. Because the island of Vanuatu is all about peace. So she's like, it's the happiest place on Earth. And he's like, very, very true. I think that's Disneyland. I know, but you know what?

[Ben]

I'll get this. So what if Vanuatu is just a simulation put on by Disneyland? All this time we thought it was. All this time we thought it was an island nation, but it turns out it's just a creation by Disney.

[Ronnie]

Disneyland. It's just. Just poop in your hand. Like, wait a minute, when did Disneyland get so lax?

[Ben]

Like, wait a second. We could have been really increasing our profit margins by getting rid of bathrooms.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Disneyland's like, we're not gonna feed you or let you poop, so at least we're consistent. It's like, wait a minute, what happened to Disneyland? So Justine is like, after many years of working, 24, 7. I really need to have a rest. I really need a rest. And then we see Justine floating around in the ocean with her arms opened wide like she's just gonna hug the sky.

[Ben]

Justine is living her just. Excuse me, I'm sorry. I really just steamed this up. Justine is leaving her hectic life in London to be reinvigorated. Remote islands of Vanuatu in the South Pacific. Also known as formerly the happiest place on Earth. Until Justine got there.

[Ronnie]

Justine bringing a dark cloud of misery to the sweet paradise known as Vanuatu.

[Ben]

Her name is Justine, but the locals call her Just Go.

[Ronnie]

And Sam's like, oh. And she's laying on the beach and she's like, wow, this is really extreme change. And we see her walking in the sand Dragging around a small roller bag. Justine, Justine, I'm Ara. I'm telling you right now, you're not prepared for this shit. Justine. Okay?

[Ben]

Did she leave London behind or was she kicked out? They're like, unfortunately, this nanny has been. Is ill equipped for our beach vacations. We have to get rid of her.

[Ronnie]

She's probably running, walking around the sidewalks of London, dragging around a backpack on the ground with no rollers on it. Justine just isn't prepared with luggage wherever she goes. So the narrator's like, well, with her Birkenstocks firmly on the ground, lol. Am I right? I just Birkenstock shamed some idiot with a roller bag on a fucking sand.

[Ben]

Pit with her disgusting open toe sandals on the ground, ruining the good Birkenstock's name, lol. I mean, might as well wear Tevas at this point. Is she having second thoughts?

[Ronnie]

So then we see clips of Justine and Stam, Stam Sam standing outside one of the properties and he's holding a shovel and a toilet paper. And she says, how do I go to the toilet? Oh, I have to dig a hole. And he just lifts up the toilet paper like it's toilet paper. What do you think?

[Ben]

Hey, Justine, why don't you just shit in your roller bag? Sorry to interject, it's not really my place, but I had to say it.

[Ronnie]

And she's like, I want to live off grid. So I love when people say this. I'm like, what have you done? You know what I mean? Like, honestly, what if you. Who are you running from that you need to live off the grid? Are you worried that the government's going to find out that you've been spending your Amex points to jerk off online? I mean, what are you afraid of, Justine?

[Ben]

I was more like, who were your awful employers that you had to literally just get away from all, like, you. You don't even want a bathroom. Like you're willing to in a bucket, basically because your employers were so bad to you.

[Ronnie]

The children she raised are like monsters, you know, and so she's on a beach lounge chair next to Sam. Also, you know what, you're really. You're relying too much on Sam the Man. Just going on, yeah, sell you a property. So she's like, you know, I want to live off grid, but with all the conveniences. And he goes, ah, expats, they always say this. And so he's like macheting through a coconut while she kind of hems and haws. And she's like, I'm not sure I can do this. Yeah. It's not really as easy as opening a Diet Coke, is it?

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

When you have to get a fucking weapon. You have to get a cartel weapon to get a drink around here.

[Ben]

Also, if you want to live off the grid but still have all the normal conveniences, just don't get a cable plan. Like, don't. Don't call Verizon.

[Ronnie]

Just exactly. Get some solar panels.

[Ben]

You could live in Kansas. You could live in, like, Los Angeles, even. You can be off the grid and just don't get Internet.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So now we're in North Queensland, Australia. A spider sits in the middle of their web, which I don't. I guess we're supposed to think that Vanuatu is the spider. I think of Justine as the spider. I think the spider is moving to Vanuatu. And she's like. Because she has this thing during, like, one of her running things is like, oh, neighbors. I don't want to be near anybody.

[Ben]

The spider's like, ugh, I just want to get off the grid already. Damn it. I just made another grid.

[Ronnie]

Why?

[Ben]

Why do I keep making grids?

[Ronnie]

Why do you need such silence away from all human beings? Justine. What's going on? Over. Justine's a fucking serial killer. I'm telling you right now.

[Ben]

Justine's, like, a little bit too married to her own narrative, I think. Like, okay, I get it. You want to be remote. You don't want to be plugged in. You just want to have, like, peace and silence or whatever. But, like, you don't need the next house to be, like, 45 miles from you. Like, you can deal with a house that's nearby.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So she tells us about herself. I grew up in the jungles in North Queensland, and as a child, I had a really free lifestyle. I spent most of my time on the beach, being a bit of a loner. You don't say, Justine, really.

[Ben]

I have four children, but I ignore them because I decided to work as a maternity nurse. Nanny for one, for the 1 percenters of the world. This is basically like the flip side of the Caroline Sanbury story. You know, Caroline Sandberry has spent a lot of time complaining about boarding school and nannies raising her. And now we're actually going to meet one of her nannies.

[Ronnie]

Essentially traumatized as she would be. Yes, there are definitely perks to being nanny to the in London. And then we see B roll of life in London. I want to see who she was nanning for. Was it John Legend and Chrissy T. Because, you know, like, who Trauma who hurt You.

[Ben]

I want to see Baby Spice throw a fork at Justine's head. Like, that's not how you raise my child.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. 100. So she's like, we have maids, we have cook. We have a driver. I've become so spoiled. But after a while, it does get tiring. It just does. I mean, living in the lap of luxury.

[Ben]

Imagine. I just imagine her employers being like, darling, we need to talk about Justine. She keeps using all maids and our drivers. Does she not realize that she's the nanny? She's one of them. She doesn't get to use our workers, too.

[Ronnie]

She's like, I rarely had time off. My rule was to look after the child 24 7. Well, what were you gonna do, Justine? Go. People watching. You hate people. You hate things. You hate electricity. There's nothing else to do, Christine. Justine.

[Ben]

It was a sacrifice to try and make a better life of myself. My children. Okay, I'm going to say it right now. I think she was taking care of one of the royal children. And I think that like. Like the pressure of the company. Don't they call it? The company, was too much for her, and she broke. And she's like, I need to go to a remote island.

[Ronnie]

I feel like she didn't even see her own kids. Honestly, I feel like she didn't like them. I feel like she was like, I don't want to spend time with them.

[Ben]

No.

[Ronnie]

Why would I? They're gross.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

I mean, I kind of get Justine, you know? Can you. Can you tell? I'm like, that's me. I'm looking at her and her flowy flower dresses, and I'm like, this is me and that dude just chopping a macheting of coconut. You know, I can see that as my life.

[Ben]

Well, Justine was able to save most of her salary because, let's face it, the only thing she bought was a pair of Birkenstocks so she could eventually buy a beachfront home.

[Ronnie]

Places that Justine saved money. The beauty salon, the clothing store, deodorant.

[Ben]

Aisle, the drugstore.

[Ronnie]

Whole Foods soap aisle.

[Ben]

Charisma school.

[Ronnie]

Every recap. What was it?

[Ben]

Charisma school. I made it up.

[Ronnie]

Charisma school. Justine was able to save most of his salary so she could eventually buy a beachfront home. Okay, stop complaining because you were a nanny, and now you can buy a beachfront property. That's what I was thinking when I was watching this. I was like, justine, like, didn't isn't nanny for once. And now she can get a helicopter to take her back and forth. To the home.

[Ben]

Yeah, well, it's my dream and possibly everyone else's dream. Not mine. And just 2 1/2 hour flight from Australia. Vanuatu offers a rugged beach lifestyle at a fraction of the cost of almost anywhere else. And on top of that, it's the sort of beaches you just wouldn't want to bring a roller bag onto, you stupid idiot. Sorry. I'm just really enraged over here.

[Ronnie]

Justine's like, I went to Vanuatu a lot as a child. For some reason, I remember more cement.

[Ben]

I seem to remember pathways here.

[Ronnie]

Oh, well, I fell in love with the natural beauty of. I love natural beauty. I haven't shaved my armpits for 13 years. Let me see.

[Ben]

I just want the polar opposite of London, okay? I don't want to see double decker buses. I don't want to see billboards. I don't want to see men in tall furry hats. I don't want to see statues. I don't want to see bridges. I don't want to see rivers. I don't want to see Simon Cowell. I don't want to. I don't want to see Monty Python.

[Ronnie]

There was a time where I'd see Mary Poppins. And I think, super califragilistic, expedited. If I saw Mary Poppins right now, I'd say, eat my dick, bitch. That's where I'm at.

[Ben]

I don't want the London Eye. I want the Vanuatu ear.

[Ronnie]

So she's talking about how she really wants to live off grid so bad. You guys, you guys, guess what I want to do. Off grid. It. I'm off gridding this. And she's like, yeah, I just looked at these ugly little pasty children I was raising, and I said, it's time to tap out. So here I am.

[Ben]

I want to go someplace where I don't have a giant clock looming over my entire city. Tell me what time it is. I don't want to know what time it is. How about Small Ben instead of Big Ben? How about that for an idea? You're on mute, darling. You're on mute.

[Ronnie]

I don't even know how I did that. It's our new podcast. It's called you're on mute, darling. Right.

[Ben]

You're off grid. You went off grid for a moment. I did it.

[Ronnie]

I'm living Justine's dream. But she's like, yep, I've made it to the boat dock now. Oh, God. Now there's a dock here and I can actually roll. I've just taken the wheels off of my suitcase.

[Ben]

Back on so she gets on a little boat and she. She's going off to an island in Vanuatu. From one island to another, 83 islands make up the Republic of Vanuatu, a small nation 1,000 miles east of Australia. And then we meet Sam, who is the real estate agent on this island, which I think is called Aori. That's. I think it's Aori. Aor or Aori.

[Ronnie]

It's a great pore strip cleaner. And he's like. He tells us a little about the place, and he's like, we got independence in 1980, and that's when we changed our name to Vanuatu. It's the largest island. It's largest. Oh, its largest island. Santo, may be the place to stock up because there are virtually no shops on Aori Island. Not that Justine would go to him anyway.

[Ben]

Sorry, Justine. They haven't opened up a Birkenstock outlet here yet. Dare to dream.

[Ronnie]

Oh, Justine, you're lucky. They do have paper bag delivery. So you'll have something to wear to the dance.

[Ben]

Lol. Like, you'll be invited.

[Ronnie]

So Justine's like, you've run out of food. You eat.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

You eat out of your garden. How does this sound fun to anybody else? Like, how does it sound fun to put yourself in the position Tom Hanks was in. In outkast. That sounds horrible.

[Ben]

Yeah, it's definitely not. That's. That's not my vibe, so. Because it's already hard enough to grow things in your garden. So that's the thing. Like, I think maybe if I were growing a lot of stuff in my garden, I would eat out of it.

[Ronnie]

It's hard.

[Ben]

I have.

[Ronnie]

Dude, people make it sound. They're always like, oh, my God, I just can't wait to live off the land. I mean, if you're hungry, you just go get something out of your garden. I can't even grow a cactus from another cactus. Like, I can take a piece of one cactus, plant it, and I can never make it grow into another cactus. That's supposed to be the easiest thing on Earth. Leah Black told me, do you need cactuses? Go Ramica cactuses. Put them in your backyard. They grow.

[Ben]

No, they're. No, there's like, I can't do it. Like, you've gotta. Like, you've got to do something for, like, two weeks, and then for the next weeks, you gotta do something else. Like, you. It's like a whole thing you have to do. You know about that?

[Ronnie]

It's hard. I'm not growing. I'm. No, I don't know about how to do it. I haven't grown one cactus.

[Ben]

All I know is that growing plants is really hard. And then just when you get the hang of it, the bugs come and they kill everything. And, yes, I know they need to live, too. But, like, I'm. It's one thing if I'm, like, going to the grocery store and I'm trying to grow something for fun, but if I'm trying to eat off of my land and the bugs are coming, that's going to be a problem.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I know. That's why. That's why we need to be more grateful for Roundup. Yeah. Okay, so we see he's. She's saying, well, how do I get power? And he's like, with solar panels or a generator. She goes, oh, my God, that sounds so complicated. Well, yeah, well, it's like. It's like being mad. It's like going bowling and then being mad that you're hearing a lot of crashing sounds. Yeah, look, what do you. You're at the bowling alley, lady.

[Ben]

So we find out that nearly two thirds of Vanuatu's home don't actually even have electricity. So she goes, well, I saw on the Internet, Vanuatu is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth because apparently she, like, went to, like, one website. She probably went to, like, a Reddit page somewhere where someone was like, I love Vanuatu. It's like the happiest place on Earth. Like, look at this picture of my home. Everyone should move here. And she's like, well, sounds like a done deal for me. Because she bases everything for the rest of the episode off of, like, some Internet search she did, which goes, well, this doesn't look a lot like what I saw on the Internet. Like, were you. Were you just watching reruns of Survivor Vanuatu? Is that what you were doing?

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And he's like, well, yeah, because people aren't stressed here and expats realize, oh, we can live longer. Well, congratulations. You get to live longer. But you don't get to watch Matlock because you don't have electricity. What's the point of being old and not watch Matlock reruns or new Matlocks with Kathy?

[Ben]

I'm kind of want to watch.

[Ronnie]

Literally renewed my Paramount to watch Matlock and went on and it wasn't on yet.

[Ben]

No, it's like, I think this week or next week, I've seen so many commercials.

[Ronnie]

My neck hurts. I hurt my neck now because Ben hurt his.

[Ben]

I hurt my neck earlier.

[Ronnie]

That's how much.

[Ben]

That's how much help us call Kathy Bates, Matlock. Save us.

[Ronnie]

Speaking of aging and watching Matlock, how did I hurt my neck? Just because you hurt. You said hurt neck, and now my neck hurts. Thanks, Ben.

[Ben]

It's the case for Matlock. So Sam tells us that he lives in Santo, but he's like, but. But he likes Aori because it's a very simple Life. There's only 500 people on the island, and only locals live there. And so he's also talking about how there's, like, the traditional house is made of naraguara leaves, which are basically like thatched roofs. Etc. So this is like, really. This is rustic living here. This is like you're out there in the elements. Like, you have palm fronds for your roof.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, this is rustic even for island living because they show the roofs that he's talking about. They don't even cut up the leaves. They don't, like, cut them and weave them in anything. They're just like, here's a big leaf, big palm.

[Ben]

Like, this truly is like a survivor, you know, Shelter. So Justine's like, well, I noticed all these houses along here look like a suburban house in Australia. Okay. He's like, oh, yes, yes. These are more attractive for investors. Yeah, but they're still next to everyone. I mean, do you have something that's, like, a little bit more remote? And he's like, yes, something in the mountains. And she goes, okay, but I'd really prefer beachfront. So someone could just roll out of bed and go swimming every day. It's like, lady, you're on a tropical island. Everyone's gonna be on the beachfront. So you either go in the mountains and be alone, or you're in by the beach with other people.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And he asked what kind of stuff, what house she wants. She's like, traditional. I saw photos of a grass roof or something on the Internet. You know what you say Internet for someone who's about to give it up for the rest of their lives.

[Ben]

Yeah. She talks about the Internet a lot. And she's also does that thing, which I feel like is so condescending. Which, like, I just want to live like a local. I just want to be a local. But I'm like, but you're not a local. So the fact that you just want to step in and just get all your local cred just kind of like, I don't think that's gonna happen. You're still not gonna be a local.

[Ronnie]

I. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I just feel like be. I don't know. I would want to, like, if I was moving to a place with, I don't know, I'd be like, I don't want to live like a local. I want to live like somebody with Internet and a toilet that flushes. Make changes. I believe in moving to places and then voting the way that you want things to be done. That's why I moved to Texas.

[Ben]

No, I mean, I think that, like, you don't want to go in and just, like, knock down a bunch of trees and build something that doesn't feel like it matches the island. But, like, I just sometimes feel like.

[Ronnie]

You do go in and put up a strip mall. You know what I mean?

[Ben]

Gokbuster paradise parking lot. But I just feel like sometimes people call gentrification lady.

[Ronnie]

Come on, do it right.

[Ben]

Especially white people just have this, like, fantasy of, like, I'm just going to fit, right, right?

[Ronnie]

And.

[Ben]

And I'm just gonna move in. I'll just be. Just be like one of the locals. I'm like, you're gonna. You're gonna still bring your. Your white lady stuff to it. And, like, it just feels. I don't know, there just feels like there's something so condescending when people do that.

[Ronnie]

So she's talking about how she wants, like a one bedroom, one bath, and she's got 300 grand, which I think sounds like a lot because he's like, do you mind using a toilet outside? Yeah, for 300 grand, I want a toilet.

[Ben]

I want a toilet too. I would say, go build that toilet. So she goes, well, that sounds awful. All this spiders or something is like, oh, no, no, no, they'll hide in the bush. She goes, well, I don't believe you.

[Ronnie]

Who's Bush? Who's Bush? Exactly.

[Ben]

I hope I can find a home with a toilet inside and running water, because I really want to live off the grid with just a few modern inconveniences. All I want is a toilet, Internet power. I'd like to build a spa, if possible.

[Ronnie]

Garage, fly swatters here. I know that that's not really a luxury, but I do like to hit.

[Ben]

I'd love to be the crazy Australian lady who hits children who pass bar. That'd be a great reputation to have.

[Ronnie]

Justine's budget won't get her a remote beach compound or a haircut or any modern amenities. And unfortunately, they don't sell taste. But I don't think it's affordable even if they did.

[Ben]

So they go the first path, the first. The first house they get to. They have to, like, go down a path with, like. It's like a very overgrown path. And it's like, up in the mountain. This is the one that's up in the mountains. That's far away from everyone. And she's like, so, are all the roads like this on the island? He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you drive up in the mountains, yeah. So I, like.

[Ronnie]

She's already complaining. She's like, oh, my God, these roads are terrible. God, you guys pay taxes?

[Ben]

Here's the highway. So. But if looking. If. But if she's looking for a bargain. With no neighbors in sight, Sam knows just the place. A clearing in the middle of the jungle where no one has to see. Justine.

[Ronnie]

I know. I'm starting to think Sam's just making up. He's like, that'll be $300,000. Welcome to your new land.

[Ben]

You know, he does kind of lie this whole episode. Like, he's like, yeah, town's like 10 minutes apart. 10 minutes away. And then we see the view. It's like miles away. It's like, yeah, 10 minutes by airplane.

[Ronnie]

So we see house number one, ocean view shack. So she's like, so what, do I have to walk through the jungle to get to town? He's like, yeah. So Little Red Riding. Yeah, I'm quite afraid of the jungle. He's like, yeah, okay, well, is there running water or a bathroom? He's like, you'll see.

[Ben]

So they. They get to this house, and there's no neighbors and everything, and they're just like, walking around. And she's like, so how long does it take to get to town? About an hour. Okay, and does this bucket come with it? Yeah, but we need to fix it.

[Ronnie]

So they're talking about a car. So there's like a little car or something? There's like a little car.

[Ben]

Everything needs to be fixed at all times.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, seriously. And they keep going to places with broken cars out front, which is also hilarious. She's like, is that mine? He goes, oh, yeah, it's broken, though. Are all these people dead? Are these just. It's like a zombie movie where places look lived in, but they're just abandoned. It's like you get this bucket, this broken down truck, and some really old moldy Campbell soup and the kids.

[Ben]

She's like, okay, and what about. Is there running water here? He goes, yeah, we have a tank. You have to fix it, though. She's like, all right.

[Ronnie]

God damn it. Well, what about power? We've got solar power. It's broken, though. God, Damn it.

[Ben]

You have to fix it.

[Ronnie]

And how do I get a toilet? He's like, here's a shovel. Well, here's the bottom of a shovel. The handle's over there. You're gonna have to take that up.

[Ben]

And if you think this is just like a Ronnie joke, he literally hands her a shovel. And there's just a freestanding roll of toilet paper on a fence. There's not even like a little toilet paper holder. It's not even a thing to put a peg to put it on. It just is sitting there ready to be blown over.

[Ronnie]

She's like, so I have to dig a hole to go to the toilet? And he just shows her the toilet paper. She's like, and how much is this? And he's like, 200,000. But you get all this land. Oh, wow. Really look good. I can poop for like, what, a year?

[Ben]

Look at all these acres I can poop in. You just mark off all the places where you've got poop and then by the time you make a full circle, the poop is gone.

[Ronnie]

You really are gonna need a fly swatter living in this place because there's poop everywhere. There's gonna be poo poo every place.

[Ben]

So she's like in the closest neighbor. He's like, ah, kilometer. It's just you and the trees and your Birkenstocks. Well, yeah, I mean, definitely no neighbors. And the view is beautiful, which, honestly, I mean, the view is nice, but I feel like it's not. I actually did not think it was a beautiful view. I mean.

[Ronnie]

I mean, I think it's beautiful just by nature. By the nature of where you are. You know what I mean?

[Ben]

Yeah, that. It's like almost like the bar is now higher cuz you're on this beautiful island. So of course everything's going to be beautiful. I didn't think it was like an exemplary. Like an above and beyond beautiful view. Like a. A view so beautiful that you'd be willing to sacrifice having a toilet.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So they go look inside. And she's like, wow, look at this nice tabletop. It's broken. Oh, all right.

[Ben]

I actually loved that table, to be honest. And. And then it's like, he's like. And oh, look. You know, I just. He's like, I just closed the door like this. And he like puts like a little leaper on it. I love. He was like, sort of carefully locking this door when all the windows were wide open.

[Ronnie]

So.

[Ben]

So they.

[Ronnie]

She's like, are you closing it up? And he goes yeah. Local style.

[Ben]

In this open air room. But the door will be closed. Like a little metal. It's like when you go to, like, a. Like a bathroom, like a. It's like a little metal hinge.

[Ronnie]

It's like the locals are afraid of crawling through windows here. Got nothing to worry about.

[Ben]

So, you know, it's a. It's a. It's a room. And there's like a little, like, a hot plate kind of thing. And there's, like, one. There's like, one sort of a utility lamp that will light up the whole place and everything. And Justine is, like, shocked. She's shocked that, like, living off the grid means that she really has to live off the grid. She's like, so am I meant to cook on this? I'm like, wait, this is your problem. Not the. Not the shovel. That's your bathroom outside.

[Ronnie]

She's like, so that light bulb right there, can I hook that into a Lutron Casita wireless system that works with my Android? He's like, no, no, none of that. None of that's gonna work. All right, then.

[Ben]

And she's like. And then. So it's just one line. Just like. Like, this is like the lot that my dad would have in my. In his shed. He's like, yeah, all right. And it's broken.

[Ronnie]

Oh, what's all that net for? What's all that? It's actually toilet paper.

[Ben]

When you wake up, Justine, you're on a tropical island. They filmed a season of Survivor here. What do you think that net is for? A wedding dress? Is this like, a wedding. That's like a wedding dress. Showroom here, of course, is for mosquitoes, you dumb, dumb dub. Idiot.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. She goes, this all reminds me it's camping as a child. And guess what? I didn't like camping then. What the are you doing here? Justine? Justine, you're in the wrong store, ma'. Am.

[Ben]

Justine, just move to rural New Mexico, okay? You can still have your electricity for.

[Ronnie]

No. Yeah, for Christ's sake, go to Taos. Not even rural New Mexico. Just go to Fancy Bougie Ass.

[Ben]

Like, there are plenty of places in America where you can just still have your Internet and your bathroom, and you'll be very remote. Montana, for crying out loud. So she is stupefied by the fact that there's mosquito netting in her. In her bedroom. And. And then she's. And then she's like, how do I even get up here? And it's like, you literally just put your hands on the thing and you climb up and he's like, oh, we can make a staircase for you.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So then we see a little blue bucket on the ground. And she's like, wait a minute, is that my bath in a bucket? And he's like, yeah, well, in all fairness, it's. It's. It's a bucket more than you're bathing now.

[Ben]

I know. At least it's twice the size as your bathroom. Your toilet, I should say.

[Ronnie]

Right? So she's like, well, this needs a lot of work. And Sam says it's 10 minutes to the beach through the jungle, but it looks more like a jungle safari, and I'm not prepared to do that again. I'm glad that she's savvy enough to know that Sam's lying to her ass.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

All she had to do was like, count the steps to where they came from. You know what I mean?

[Ben]

Exactly. And then she's looking at their straps on the side of the house. So she's like, what are these trips for? And he's like, oh, yeah. To protect the roofing from the cyclone. And we see on the bottom, Vanuatu was hit with two cyclones back to back that basically, you know, massively impacted the population. So I'm like, this house has got to survive a cyclone. I don't know what Justine is getting herself into here.

[Ronnie]

Sam's so cute, though. He's like, yeah, if you tie it down right, it can last for eight years. I love that you're handing out the warranties on the eight year roof, the palm frond roof.

[Ben]

This roof will last almost as long as a Toyota Camry.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, he's like, an extra hundred thousand dollars. You get an eight year warranty on this roof.

[Ben]

So. And then there's some, like, nice nuts outside and everything. They're looking, and Sam's cracking them open and they're eating these local nuts.

[Ronnie]

But also, let me just say, it's not like you just walk outside and you get a nut. He's cracking them open with a hammer. There is nothing that's just easy to eat here. Do you have any apple trees? Why does everything need a machete or a hammer, sir?

[Ben]

So Justine eats it. She goes, oh, it tastes like almonds. I'm like, yeah, you're eating a nut. So I'm. She goes, so I'm not completely going to starve if I don't want to go to town. So I really do like this property. It's definitely isolated and I think I could rest really well out here. You know, the view is incredible, but I don't know if I Want to walk that far to the beach of the jungle? And I'm a bit scared of the jungle. And the house is a bit small. I'm like, when are you going to mention the fact that you have no toilet? Justine, Screw the beach ball or bath.

[Ronnie]

You have one light bulb. Justine, I know you hate children, but there are other ways to relax. And the funniest thing about this is really all she wants is to take a nap all day. And she thinks that the only way she's going to get to do this is to go to an island somewhere where no one can find her. Like Christine. You can literally just turn do not disturb on your phone and tell everybody to off. You don't need to go this. To this drastic measure.

[Ben]

You know, she's gonna. She's gonna be a nuisance to all the locals. Because here's the thing, people live on Vanuatu, I imagine, are used to this style of living, you know, Whereas Justine's gonna get there and she's gonna be pestering. She says she doesn't want to see anyone, but she's gonna be the first one to be knocking on a neighbor's door, like, could you help me with my generator, please? I'm just really confused on how it works. Oranges. I didn't. I just don't feel like going to town. She is going to be the nuisance to all the neighbors. And this is why people need to raise better children. Because when you raise little monsters, your nannies lose their mind and they go off to a small island nation and pester the locals who are previously very happy.

[Ronnie]

I know. Then you make the nanny crazy, and she goes and makes everybody else crazy, you know, Circle of strife.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, I don't know about going to dig a hole every time I've got to go to the bathroom. And he's like, well, you know, for $200,000, you can build a bathroom and fix everything. Oh, okay, first of all, I know this is not what you meant, but that's a huge bathroom budget.

[Ben]

Could you imagine? She just has an amazing bathroom. Yeah. I mean, but that is true, though. She does have that money to spend. And I don't know how far the. The. The dollar goes or the British pound goes in Vanuatu, but I feel like she could probably get a bathroom pretty easily. Later in the episode, she's.

[Ronnie]

Well, I mean, you could. You can afford a toilet for 100 bucks. That's not that. The crazy part. It's the plumbing. Like, I don't know that there's Plumbing all the way up on this mountain where there's literally nobody but you.

[Ben]

Well, Sam is very funny because later in the episode, she's like, well, how long does it take to build a bathroom here? He goes, oh, a week? I was like, you're. You are just lying, Sam. You're just trying to get your commission. It does not take. I don't know in any world where it takes a week to make a bathroom.

[Ronnie]

And I like that she knows it, too, because she just goes, yeah, I think maybe a month. And he just smiles like maybe. He's like, yeah, you get me. He's like, you get me. So she's like, moving to Vanuatu, I definitely feel like I'll be making a few compromises, but I do want modern conveniences because I'm not sure I can do this. What am I going to do? Where's the LensCrafters? He's like, no.

[Ben]

Yeah, that's why you go on.

[Ronnie]

Just. Here's a Coke bottle.

[Ben]

That's how you go onto YouTube and you take a video tour of the island and learn about Vanuatu before you decide to move there. So now we go to Preview of House 2, and Linda goes. Sam's traditional beach hut is a slight upgrade. And then we see there's, like, a toilet with the bucket, but it also may need everything. And then Justine goes, where's the kitchen sink? I was gonna say. I was gonna say an air freshener for Justine, but kitchen sink works, too.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, I've always been the person that believes that you should come up with five impossible dreams a day.

[Ben]

I have my impossible dream. Introducing Justine to secret.

[Ronnie]

Justine's like, here's my impossible dreams. Getting an ant. Getting another nap. Having another nap. The human population losing the ability to breed.

[Ben]

You know, the idea of having a beach property really came to me pretty much my whole life, but I certainly couldn't afford it until I was working in the Middle east, and I would go to my employer's beach house and see the beachfront, and I was like, yeah, it's time for me to have this. And then all of a sudden, my employer's husband was like, taki, Taki. Tiki, Taki. And then she was like, not now, Sergio. And I said, I just got to get out of this place.

[Ronnie]

Thankfully, they wouldn't help me, but thankfully, they had a very alcoholic gang down there to send me everywhere that I needed to go. Now I've got some marble. It's got a bit of a chip in it, but, hey, at least I'm not married to loser with no job.

[Ben]

You know, it was really fun there, but unfortunately, after I was framed for accused of trying to kidnap some little boy by a lady, I was sent packing, and here I am in venom. What to do.

[Ronnie]

Here's the problem with seeing how the other half lives. You're like, oh, I could have this too. They could have it. So I can have beachfront property, too. And here I am in Vanuatu with.

[Ben]

Pooping in the ground, pretending I'm Caroline Stanberry, even though I'm not at all. So she's in a hammock, and Sam is like, yeah, well, when you move to Vanuatu, you have to adapt to our life and our culture and our experience, which that's not what. There's no way that Justina is going to do that.

[Ronnie]

Nope. No way. So then we see an infographic, and it's bislama. The common language of Vanuatu is a blend of English, French, and indigenous languages. So you speak Spanish here? No, we speak vizlama. Oh, so Spanish. I know that one. Poquito moss. Por favorite. No, Bislama. All right, then I'll speak Spanish, everybody. Thanks.

[Ben]

Because, you know, in Bizlama, when you want to say goodbye, you say, tata. Oh, I've got it. And when you want to say hello, you say, hello. God, I love Bizlama.

[Ronnie]

So is it a true thing about Vanuatu that time, time, time, things take longer here? And he goes, yes. She says, oh, I guess I just start rolling with the punches. He goes, yeah, it's called you're on Vanuatu time. Now.

[Ben]

I love Justine being shocked that things go at a slower pace on a remote island. I thought. I thought I was leaving the hustle and bustle of London for the hustle and bustle of Vanuatu.

[Ronnie]

So my naps. If I was taking our nap, it'll seem like a longer nap here. He's like, oh, my God, lady, for Christ's sake.

[Ben]

He goes, so I'm gonna take you to a property on the beach. It's a traditional building. Does it have neighbors? No, neighbors are not close. So then we go to the house number two, and it's by the beach and everything. And. But this one's, like, an hour from town. And so they're walking around, and there's a water tank and there's a generator that you have to use to get, like, the. The water tank to go and everything. And there's a truck out front. And she goes, does that truck come with it? Yeah, but it's broken.

[Ronnie]

It's broken? Yeah, it's broken, but you get a boat. There is no place that fixes cars in this town.

[Ben]

There's a boat.

[Ronnie]

Or if there is, we don't have a tow truck company to get the car to the place that fixes the cars.

[Ben]

Okay, so it does come with, like, a little canoe. It comes with an outrigger canoe.

[Ronnie]

But this is so funny. She's. Oh, a canoe. You trust the canoe girl. Nothing here works. Haven't we said. Haven't we already established that literally nothing works? He's like, look, there's. There's a window. Doesn't have a window pane in it. Oh, hey, look, there's a truck. It's broken. There's another truck. It's broken. Oh, you know what? You know what? I trust something that I go into on a body of water with no help because there's no neighbors around. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not trusting your boat.

[Ben]

The canoe is actually something I do trust. But what I don't trust is Janine's ability to paddle that canoe for an hour to get to town. There's. She is going to be swept out to sea, this lady. Like, I feel like if you've. If you've been raised, you know, paddling that canoe all your life, you understand the water, you understand the currents, you understand the canoe, like, sure, one hour. But if you're like some nanny who's been in the lap of luxury for the past many years of your life tending for little brats, and now you're supposed to get into a traditional wooden canoe and paddle yourself to town, and it takes an hour for someone who is well versed at it to get to town. No, you're never getting food again in the rest of your life.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, not gonna happen. So she is checking out the house's cute little house, and it's 280,000. And this one has a bathroom. So he leads her to a separate hut that has a toilet and a shower area, and it has a mop hanging in between the two areas. And, like, a hose, basically. She's like, looks like a shed to me.

[Ben]

No. So this is the shower? Yes. You know, you get the water from the tank, and then we have to. Then you light the gas, and then we switch on here and then use the hot. Hot water. And she goes, oh, I think I'll have to take cold showers. It's just a bit too much. He's like, yeah, I have that effect on a lot of women. No, not you, you pigs.

[Ronnie]

He's like, actually, it's quite simple to use this stuff. She goes, oh, God. But I'm used to turning on a tip and having hot water. I don't know. Was there a toilet? Please move to a different town. You are so fucking annoying. This lady is going to show up at every city hall meeting being like, hey, I want a bathroom.

[Ben]

I just want to live like the locals. Where's more tap water?

[Ronnie]

Now, listen, I'm here on a mission to live like a local. We need to build a subway stop.

[Ben]

Excuse me, where's the underground? So, yeah, and so now that's where.

[Ronnie]

All your poop is. All right?

[Ben]

I mean, figuratively, Right? This toilet. How do I flush this toilet? He's like, well, we use the bucket and put the water. And then you have to flush. And she's like, and there's no solar? She goes, he's like, no solar. It's broken. So she's like, what? Sounds like it's a lot to do just to have a shower.

[Ronnie]

It's like, yeah, yeah, Justine, that's kind of the whole point. Okay? So she's like, I'm sort of on the fence. Oh, sorry, the fence is broken.

[Ben]

It's also where you can poop. She's like, well, it's like. You know, there's a part of me that thinks I can do it. And then the other half is like, this is really complicated for someone who just wants some peace and quiet. Yeah, exactly. Have you. Have you ever watched Nomadland? Why don't you get a van, drive around? You'll be fine.

[Ronnie]

Nomadland. So she's like, wow, look at this. How traditional is this living room? And, oh, look at all this wood. How this is built is this. So this is local timbers? No, Justine. They flew in all the wood for this hut.

[Ben]

This is Carrera marble from Italy.

[Ronnie]

Justine.

[Ben]

What the fuck do you think it is?

[Ronnie]

Justine, where are they gonna get marble and wood? They don't have trucks that work.

[Ben]

This is 100% reclaimed canoe.

[Ronnie]

So, yes, this is like IKEA shipped in.

[Ben]

She's like, oh, and the walls with the holes in it. What's that? He's like, for the air coming in.

[Ronnie]

This used to be a gay bar.

[Ben]

Trust me, it was a lot of fun.

[Ronnie]

It changed a little after we gained independence in 1890 or whatever.

[Ben]

And she's like. She's like, only has the kitchen again. This is just like a square room with nothing in it. Like, this is. There's nothing in this room. And he's like, oh, look. But here's a Shelf. You could put your plates and your cups inside here. Like, this is the only amenity, is that there's a shelf, plates and cups.

[Ronnie]

There's no sink. So he's like. She goes, where's the sink and the running water? And he goes, well, we pull up the water inside the puddle, and she goes, so there's no running water. He's like, no. She goes, no sink. No. It's outside. No fridge, no. And she's like, come on, man.

[Ben]

But listen. He goes. She goes, oh, the sound. And we hear the ocean and everything. He goes, yes, yes, that's your friend, the ocean. Who needs a sink when you've got the ocean? And she's like, well, I'm already feeling relaxed by the sound of that ocean. But it steals so much work. I mean, you've got the notion on the shelf. Do you really need anything more? And a broken truck.

[Ronnie]

Listen, the outside is very peaceful sounding, unless you can't go inside. You know what I mean? Like, it's very peaceful to be outside if you have a home to go inside to. But if you're just stuck out there all day, it's not peaceful like having the ocean. And I'm not saying she wouldn't have a home, but I'm just saying that when you feel. You can feel trapped by that, too. It doesn't. Just because it looks like paradise doesn't mean it is. You know, at some point that sounds. Is going to sound like hell. It's going to be. I'm drawing alone out here with no sink.

[Ben]

So. So then they're, like, walking to the second floor because there's actually a bedroom on this. Like, there's like a whole other sort of structure that you go up to. And, you know, it's. It's got a bed in it, and, like, it's sort of tall and up. And she goes, oh, and is this local timbers, too? No, this one. This is the. This bedroom was imported. This was. This is brought in from Dubai.

[Ronnie]

I can't with her. So she's like, oh, wow, this roof is beautiful. Is this local? Oh, my God. Well, the textile industry here, I've got to hand it to them. I love their wood. I love their fronds. I could really relax here. Good night. Good night. I'm gonna take a nap. All right. You want to see the big one? I can't work 24 hours a day. Sorry. Sorry, Sam. I'm still traumatized.

[Ben]

So then they're walking on these walkways. There's, like these wooden planks that are put out to be walkways. I guess when it gets wet, maybe it gets muddy and stuff and. And etc. Well, I don't know about these walkways. They're a bit narrow and weird shapes. I was like, your kitchen is just a shelf and you're worried about these walkways. You've got bigger fish to fry, if you could even fry them.

[Ronnie]

You literally can't fry your fish. Just. She's like, but how am I going to walk? How am I going to get there?

[Ben]

It's a weird shape. I'm walking in zigzags. I'm like, just move the planks, pick them up and put them in the arrangement that you'd prefer.

[Ronnie]

Oh, Justine. So then we see the outrigger canoe has been a major factor in migration across the vast vanitua. Vanuatu. Archipelago.

[Ben]

Archipelago, man.

[Ronnie]

Sorry. For generations. And so she's like, oh, my God, is that my boat? Oh, my God. This boat is as big as an elbow or it's as big as a forearm. Okay? You're supposed to drive that. You're supposed to take that thing into town and put groceries into it and bring it back. How is this going to work? I just. Listen, I don't think this is. None of us are built for this. Okay? This is too difficult.

[Ben]

And listen, this is not us being like, look at how crazy it is on van. And watch. Look at. Look at those people, the way they live. It's more like for Justine, like, Justine's thinking that she could just, like, know your limit. Know it. It's like. It's like, this is. You will not survive here, Justine. We can see what you're all about. And you're acting like you want to be off the grid. This is what really being off the grid is like. And you are not built for this.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, we're not like, ew, gross. There's huts. If this was anywhere, if this was anybody else who's like, oh, my God, I can't wait to live off the grid. Oh, my God. I get to poop into a hole. I cannot wait to dig a hole. That's different. And there are people like that out there. But you can't say you want to live off the grid and then be like, there's no Varda mix. Where does it. Where's that? What am I going to make my smoothie amenities?

[Ben]

And then at the same time. But this neighbor's gross. It's like, yeah. So I just want to make sure people know, like, we're not, like, shading the people of Vanuatu or people who live in island nations or, like, the amenities there. We're shading Justine for what she's expecting to have out of this experience.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, yeah, We're. We're. We're shading people from very privileged first world lives. Being like, I can't wait to live like a local. So where's the balloon shop? I want a balloon art for my neighborhood party.

[Ben]

So they go to a picnic table, and she's like, oh, watch out for the coconut gravel. I don't think. I don't think Sam needs you to tell him to watch out for something. I think Sam understands his way around this place pretty well. So he. So he starts chopping up a coconut, and she's, like, talking, and she's like, you know, I really like the property. I love the traditional feeling about it, and I love the upstairs as well. However, the whole power and water scenario is really complicated, and I'm really concerned about whether I'll be able to cope. Also, that shelf being the only element of the entire house. That's a concern too.

[Ronnie]

And Sam's like, oh, don't worry. I teach a lot of expats when they come. It's easy. Do you get the impression that Sam's just a lot of ladies coming here from the Internet? Because I kind of get that. I kind of get. She's very, like, free and flowy and kind of sexy in her new life. And Sam's just like.

[Ben]

He's got this loving it. He's got this, like, really cute smile. He's like a. So he just seems so sweet and lovely, and next thing you know, he's boinking you, you know?

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Next thing you know, I mean, Sam's got a good industry going on over there. He's like. He's like, I'll take all of the local trade.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Or, I'm sorry, all of the tourist trade moving here. So now she is. Now, after seeing two traditional units, Sam shows Justine how the other half lives. And we see a very modern looking home. And we see a clip of Justine flushing a real toilet outside.

[Ben]

Yeah. But the close neighbors are kind of defeating the purpose. Ew. So we see there's like, oh, my goodness. There's a person on a boat going by. So Justine's like, well, I don't want to be near people after years of raising children. I just want to be myself by myself for a year or two. I'm like, well, that's fine. Just don't talk to them. Just stay in your house. You'll Be okay.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So now they go, see, they go down this dirt path, and there's all these wiry trees and stuff. And she's like, oh, my God, what are those? Big, huge trees.

[Ben]

Locals. Yeah, they're called bunyan trees. You can build a house up in the branches, like an avatar. He's like, yeah, whatever. I don't know what that is. It's like, okay, sure, guess. Cu.

[Ronnie]

I want to build a house up in the bunion trees. I mean, Lord knows I'm growing a couple of my feet. Isn't that right?

[Ben]

So after years of looking after my own children and other people's children, I definitely feel like it's time for me to look after my inner child. And my inner child. Hold on. I must see what my inner child says. My inner child says, give me an iPad. Well, we're just gonna ignore my inner child. We're gonna go to remote island instead.

[Ronnie]

So now she's like, oh, this is Norris. Oh, so this is the World War II road. So then we find out that this was a place where the US constructed some of its largest South Pacific military bases. And so that's why it's a little more developed, I guess. And she's like, okay, so I've seen a couple of properties and my vision of what homes, luck and Vanuatu. A fall. What I saw on the Internet, you.

[Ben]

Think with Justine second guessing the idea of living off the grid or giving up her Birkenstocks. Now we're gonna go. Located on the north side of the island to house number three. It's a shorter boat ride into Santo, but it's also where most people live, which might be a problem for them once Justine moves in.

[Ronnie]

She's like, is that a private beach? He goes, yeah, it's a private beach. She goes, but how do I get to town? And he's like, well, water taxi. And she's like, well, this doesn't look very traditional, by the way. I mean, it does. It's. She's making it sound like it's this huge man with, like, computerized, like, fingerprint entries. You know what I mean?

[Ben]

But there's also. By the way, there. There's also this really condescending view that we see on these shows where people are like, I want to come here and I want to live like the locals. And it's like, oh, this house is far too modern. I want to be like the poor people. That's kind of what they're saying. And it's like, yeah, I'm sure the locals also have like modern houses too. Like, yes, there are probably people who, who don't have the amenities, but like, it's just sort of like this condescending view of like, well, everyone in Vanuatu. Vanuatu lives in the hut. I'm like, I'm sure there are plenty of people that live in the houses. Like we saw on Santos, which is the more populated, modern island. There are a lot of people who have modern homes. So it's just kind of this funny idea.

[Ronnie]

Well, that would be funny, wouldn't it? If he's just fucking with her and she ends up living on this, like, plot of land where she's digging a hole to shit. And then her neighbors do come over and they're like, hi, we live up the road. It's like, what's that hanging? Do you have a call that works? Oh, yeah, we have a car that works. We actually own a car dealership in town. A car dealership? What's that? Oh, it's my garage door opener. You want to come over? We've got a heated pool.

[Ben]

You'd love it. It's like going to like a reservation, being like, I just wanna. I wanna live like the Native Americans. I want to live in a wigwam. And probably people like, no, we live in houses on the reservation. You know, it's just like, it's just this very. I don't know, it's. It's very amusing to me.

[Ronnie]

So this one has high ceilings. There's power. There's a solar or generator. And she's like, so it's gonna be quiet, right? There's no nightclubs. He's like, no, just the ocean. And she's like, well, it's a big change from London, you know? And he's just nodding at her. He's like, avatar. She goes, no, London. Okay. And she's like, Cause I hear traffic, I hear sirens, I hear people. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sirens or helicopter? Helicopter. Money, Money, money. Money falling out of pockets. Money. You know what I mean? You know? Spice Girls, Spice Girls. Royalty. Royalty. You know what I'm saying, don't you? Notifications, iPhone. Notifications. You get it, right?

[Ben]

He's like, he's like, lady, you're the one who brought TV cameras to this island, not me.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Ben]

So, yeah, there's a sink, there's running water, the toilet flushes. I mean, I'm like, this is kind of a no brainer. Like, this is the house you should take. And on top of that.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, because it's still not. I guess, still, it's Gonna take some work to get used to living there. You know what I mean? Like, she would. She could get some credit. She could feel some street cred, I think, living there. Like, ease yourself into it, I say. And then she's like, well, she's like, oh, well, the stove kind of works. I mean, that's nice. Listen, I'm used to living in luxury homes where there's fully staffed, there's a chef and everything. I don't like to cook. Can I get food delivered here? Okay, you know what? You're about to just get kicked out.

[Ben]

Do you guys have postmates here? Now, if I want to Uber into town, do you have Uber boats as well? Or is that. No, not. Not now. I have a question.

[Ronnie]

I'm one of those people who just. Yeah, I'm just one of those people. Listen, I just use Grindr for the friendships. You've got Grinder here. How close is the closest gay? It's like, no, well, you were at.

[Ben]

The club just before. So he's like, no, we don't do food delivery. You have to cook your own food because. Hey. Okay. Well, it's a beautiful big spice, but maybe too big to look after. I just want to rest. That's all I want to do, lady.

[Ronnie]

I just want to lie down.

[Ben]

All right. Do you have to clean your house? Keep it dirty.

[Ronnie]

So we go over all the three houses. One was the middle of the mountain. One is kind of the middle of the road. Between these two, it's, like, not the fanciest, but it's not the most pioneer. Like, and then house number three, which is like the, you know, McMansion. So she's like. I think Sam thinks because I'm an expat, it would just be easier for everyone if I move into an expat style. It would be easier on your neighbors. It would be easier on Sam. It would be easier on emergency services, because I know that you're going to be calling every time you hear a noise in the backyard.

[Ben]

Yes, exactly. And so Justine's like, well, you know, you said it wouldn't take much time for a bathroom. And he's like, yeah, no, they can build very quickly in Vanuatu time. You know, it's like a week. She's like, sounds like a month. Well, after years of being on call 247 as a nurse and nanny, Justine is tired enough to pull a Rip Van Winkle. A pathetic old man who slept through all of his life.

[Ronnie]

She's like, I just want to sleep. She's decided to get away from it all on Aori Island. But after several options, will she treat herself with plumbing and neighbors or go totally off the grid?

[Ben]

Sim's like, well, what do you think about that ocean view shack? She's like, well, it's a million dollar view. And he goes, yeah, and for $200,000, very cheap, but no noise and no neighbors. It's definitely a bit far from the beach, though, and I'd really like to try to challenge myself to live off the grid. However, no bathroom. That's a lot off the grid.

[Ronnie]

So basically, he's like, please take the modern house. And she's like, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Sam? He's like, but, you know, there's a flushing toilet, there's a solar generator. And she's like, oh, no, I can't be around neighbors. I can't do it.

[Ben]

I mean, I understand on some element that, like, the last thing you want is you just want your peace and quiet. If you have, like, a neighbor who's loud or a neighbor who's coming by to knock on the door, you just don't want to deal with them. I. I do actually get that. But she's. But also, like, bathrooms. I don't know, toilets that flush. That's kind of what I. That's what I'd be into.

[Ronnie]

I don't know. She's asking if there's, like, postmates. You know what I mean? Like, she's not ready to live the. The life she wants. It's hard living out alone where there's nobody, you know?

[Ben]

Yeah. So she basically is like, you know, well, it doesn't really feel off grid and it's not traditional. And I came here to learn how to live like a local and pretend I'm a traditional Vanuatuan, even though I'm a crazy white lady who has Birkenstocks and tried to roll a bag on the beach. So I think I'm gonna choose the traditional home.

[Ronnie]

So she does. She chooses the middle of the road one. And then we see later, three months later, she's like, my new life is better than I could imagine. At first I was scared. I was petrified. Didn't know how I was going to live with that saying by my side. But look at me now, hanging clothes on a clothesline. So, I mean, it's pretty amazing, isn't it?

[Ben]

And we see her filling up the toilet and everything. One thing we do not see is what the inside of her house looks like, which makes me upset. We just see her filling up her toilet she's like, but I have a pretty solid routine that I stick to. I get up, I start the generator, I turn the water pump on, turn the tank on, start filling the buckets for whatever I need, take a peep. Then I turn the generator off, take the bucket out, refill it. Then I'm ready to go to the bathroom again. So I turn the generator back on, fill up the bucket again, pour it in the toilet, you know, do that pretty much all day. Just a lot of filling up that toilet all day long.

[Ronnie]

So then she says she eventually did get bored and started an online nanny business. So she has figured out Internet and electricity.

[Ben]

Yeah, but like, oh my goodness, I would hate to work at her business because she says she lasted a month, only one month of being off the grid. And then she goes, I opened up a nanny business that I do that. I do that online when I have power. And I've had a lot of time to sleep and reflect and relax. So good luck getting your email returned. People who work at this business, because, you know, it's always like, sorry, I didn't have power for a week.

[Ronnie]

I'm sorry your kids were left at the fair. Oh, I'm sorry. I would have helped out, but I just didn't have power for a few hours. Sorry about that.

[Ben]

Absolutely not. No way. Not working for this.

[Ronnie]

Crazy, crazy times.

[Ben]

Well, thanks everyone so much for listening. Thank you again, Lucy, for the recommendation for this crazy episode. Email us at watch what crappens gmail.com with the subject header as Dwell. Hello suggestion with your ideas of Dwell. Hello episodes that we should be covering on the show and we will catch you on the next one. Bye everyone. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. We all have bad days and sometimes.

[Ronnie]

Bad weeks and maybe even bad years. But the good news is we don't.

[Ben]

Have to figure out life all alone. I'm comedian Chris Duffy, host of ted's.

[Ronnie]

How to Be a Better Human podcast.

[Ben]

And our show is about the little ways that you can improve your life. Actual practical tips that you can put into place that will make your day to day better.

[Ronnie]

Whether it is setting boundaries at work or rethinking how you clean your house.

[Ben]

Each episode has conversations with experts who share tips on how to navigate life's up and downs.

[Ronnie]

Find how to be a better human wherever you're listening to this.

[Ben]

Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.