Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #419: London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: September 19, 2024
Episode Theme:
Ben and Ronnie recap an episode of House Hunters International titled “London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu.” The hosts dive into the misadventures of Justine, a burnt-out London-based maternity nurse/nanny who seeks isolation and simplicity on the remote islands of Vanuatu—without fully understanding what off-the-grid, island life really entails. The episode is a hilarious roast of expat fantasies, Justine’s ill-prepared “off-grid” aspirations, and the realities of rural paradise.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene & Listener Recommendation

• The episode was suggested by a listener named Lucy.
• Ben expresses gratitude for modern amenities like flushing toilets and running water after watching this “wild” episode.
  • “I am just feeling particularly grateful for flushing toilets and running water after watching this latest episode.” (Ben, 01:56)
• They invite listeners to email future episode suggestions (“Dwell. Hello suggestions”).

2. Meet Justine: The London Nanny in Search of Escape

• Justine is introduced as a former London maternity nurse/nanny for the “1 percenters,” exhausted and seeking a remote life.
• The island of Vanuatu is described as “the happiest place on Earth,” but the hosts joke it quickly turns grim with Justine’s arrival.
  • “Justine bringing a dark cloud of misery to the sweet paradise known as Vanuatu.” (Ben, 05:17)
• She wants to “live off-grid but with all the conveniences.” Ronnie calls out the contradiction, a frequent expat fantasy.

3. Vanuatu Reality Check: Rustic Living Isn't Chic

• House prices are shockingly high; $300k doesn’t go far here.
  • “This one is, I think, the first House Hunters I’ve ever watched where I’m like, whoa, that’s all you’re getting for 300 grand? Are you fucking kidding me?” (Ronnie, 03:16)
• The real estate agent Sam, who the hosts adore, attempts to gently explain the lack of running water, electricity, and bathrooms.
• The comedic analysis begins:
  • “Hey, Justine, why don’t you just shit in your roller bag?” (Ben, 06:51)

4. The Pretense of ‘Off-Grid’ – A Deeper Satire

• Ronnie and Ben skewer the Western fantasy of “living like a local”:
  • “I love when people say this. I’m like, what have you done? ... Who are you running from that you need to live off the grid?” (Ronnie, 07:00)
• Commentary on expat gentrification and romanticizing “local” hardship comes up repeatedly:
  • “Especially white people just have this, like, fantasy of, like, I’m just going to fit, right? ... You’re gonna still bring your white lady stuff to it.” (Ben, 22:12)

5. Justine’s Background: Burnout, Privilege & Escapist Fantasies

• Flashbacks to her London life, working for ultra-rich families, “rarely had time off.”
• Ben and Ronnie speculate amusingly about her possible ex-employers (Caroline Stanbury, Baby Spice), and joke about her using household staff for herself.
• Justine’s privileged yet “tiring” lifestyle is mocked:
  • “Places that Justine saved money: the beauty salon, the clothing store, deodorant.” (Ronnie, 12:03)

House Tours: The Escalating Absurdity

House 1: Deep Jungle Shack

• Features: Remote, no electricity, no running water, no indoor toilet. $200k for land and a “million-dollar view.”
• To use the bathroom, Justine is handed a shovel and a loose roll of toilet paper.
  • “He literally hands her a shovel. And there’s just a freestanding roll of toilet paper on a fence.” (Ben, 26:24)
• Everything is broken—solar panel, water tank, even the truck. The only utility is a utility lamp.
• The hosts lampoon Justine’s shock:
  • “She’s shocked that, like, living off the grid means that she really has to live off the grid.” (Ben, 28:36)
• Ronnie: “You can literally just turn do not disturb on your phone and tell everybody to f*** off. You don’t need to go this drastic.” (33:06)

House 2: Traditional Beach Hut

• Features: Slightly more upgraded hut, a detached shower and toilet shed (still with a bucket to flush), an outrigger canoe (but it likely doesn’t work), $280k.
• Justine balks at how much work everything requires—fetching water, heating it, and manually flushing the toilet:
  • “It sounds like it’s a lot to do just to have a shower.” (Justine, paraphrased at 42:53)
• The running joke: every vehicle is broken, nothing works.
  • “There’s a boat. Or if there is, we don’t have a tow truck company to get the car to the place that fixes the cars.” (Ronnie, 40:07)

House 3: The Expat-Ready McMansion

• Features: Modern home, running water, flushing toilet, large kitchen, close to neighbors, still relatively isolated and costly.
• Justine is reluctant—she wants isolation (“I just want to be myself by myself for a year or two”) but also the amenities.
• Ben: “This is kind of a no-brainer. Like, this is the house you should take.” (55:06)
• She gripes about the kitchen’s size, cleaning, and lack of food delivery:
  • “Do you guys have postmates here? Now, if I want to Uber into town, do you have Uber boats as well?” (Ben, 55:46)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Expat Delusion:
  • “You can’t say you want to live off the grid and then be like, ‘There’s no Vitamix!’” (Ronnie, 48:18)
• On Indigenous Housing:
  • “She’s making it sound like it’s this huge manse with computerized, like, fingerprint entries...” (Ben, 52:58)
• On Sam the Realtor:
  • “He just seems so sweet and lovely, and next thing you know, he’s boinking you, you know?” (Ben, 50:15)
• On Privilege and Reality:
  • “She’s asking if there’s, like, Postmates. You know what I mean? Like, she’s not ready to live the life she wants.” (Ronnie, 58:38)
• End result:
  • Justine chooses the “middle of the road” hut—slightly upgraded, but still remote, with basic amenities.
  • “I get up, I start the generator, I turn the water pump on, turn the tank on, start filling the buckets for whatever I need, take a pee... do that pretty much all day. Just a lot of filling up that toilet all day long.” (Justine, paraphrased at 59:55)
• Inevitable Outcome:
  • One month in, she gets bored and founds an “online nanny business”—admitting she uses electricity and internet after all.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:56 – Ben expresses newfound gratitude for toilets and running water
• 03:16 – Ronnie questions Vanuatu house prices
• 07:00 – Ronnie roasts the “off-grid” fantasy
• 12:03 – “Where Justine saved money” segment
• 21:09 – Satire on moving somewhere “to live like a local”
• 26:24 – The infamous shovel and toilet paper reveal
• 33:06 – “Justine just needs a nap, not an island.”
• 42:53 – Justine overwhelmed by basic chores
• 55:06 – Ben recommends the modern house
• 59:55 – Justine describes her evolved “bucket and generator” life
• 60:05 – Reveals she lasted only a month off-grid, returns to online work

Tone, Humor, and Takeaways

The tone is irreverent, fast-paced, and lacerating. Ben and Ronnie’s love for Bravo-style spectacle is on display, as they walk the line between roasting “privileged white expat fantasy” and highlighting the real difficulties of rural, non-Western living. Their empathy for the locals of Vanuatu is matched only by their relentless skewering of Justine’s naïveté and contradictions.

Key Takeaway:
Moving off-grid is much less idyllic than Instagram and House Hunters make it seem—especially if you’re neither prepared nor willing to actually rough it. Respect local realities, and maybe, just maybe, be content with a working toilet.

To suggest future episodes:
Email watchwhatcrappens@gmail.com with the subject “Dwell. Hello suggestion.”

“We mock because we love.”