Dwell Hello # 422: Piano Makes Three in NYC

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens – "Dwell Hello #422: Piano Makes Three in NYC"

Date: November 2, 2024
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam

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Episode Overview

In this hilariously sharp-witted “Dwell Hello” episode of Watch What Crappens, Ben and Ronnie tackle the House Hunters episode “Piano Makes Three in NYC.” The hosts break down the misadventures of Jonathan, a traveling opera singer determined to fit a baby grand piano (and himself) into a million-dollar Manhattan apartment, with his ever-hopeful “roommate” Melinda, whose design “expertise” and infatuation with Jonathan only add to the episode’s charming, cringey chaos. Manhattan real estate, roommate drama, and questionable interior design opinions fuel their signature blend of affectionately scathing Bravo-style satire.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Cast of Characters & Initial Impressions

• Jonathan: An opera singer, single-minded about a baby grand piano, inheritance in hand, and a self-appointed hero of his own New York story.
• Melinda: An interior designer with unrequited feelings for Jonathan, eager to exert her aesthetic but woefully unprepared for actual New York charm.
• Hosts’ Take: They immediately zero in on Jonathan’s dramatic affectations and Melinda’s obliviousness—“save it for the stage, sir” (Ronnie, 01:56).

Memorable Quotes:

• “Future her gaydar is so broken she can't accept reality person.” — Ben (03:15)
• “This girl seems clearly in love with this guy. …Girl, wrong tree.” — Ronnie (03:23)
• “You're not Elton John, okay?” — Ben (05:30)

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2. The Manhattan Setting: Rarity & Reality

• Ben notes: Few House Hunters episodes actually focus on Manhattan; the hosts express excitement for the novelty (03:48).
• NYC Price Shock: Jonathan’s $1.5M budget and Melinda’s grand expectations meet hard urban reality. Their sticker shock over what little space $1.5M gets is a running gag.

Quote:

• “Burger King is $17, so 1.5 million is really not that much.” — Ronnie (09:03)

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3. Jonathan’s Baby Grand Piano Obsession

• Piano remains the focal (and often ridiculed) point.
• Hosts grumble about the absurdity and inconvenience, especially since Jonathan is a singer, not a pianist.
• Ronnie likens neighborly suffering: “I imagine hating him as a neighbor.” (04:17)

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4. Roommate Dynamic: Tension and Denial

• Ben and Ronnie delight in dissecting Melinda’s hopes of changing Jonathan and her “totally not romantic” devotion.
• The hosts poke fun at cliché gender/friendship stereotypes but agree: “Melinda wants to land Jonathan, and the piano just wants to throw itself out the window.” — Ben (32:36)

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5. Real Estate Tour: Apartment-by-Apartment Sarcasm

A. Harlem Brownstone (16:14)

• Pros: Under budget ($1.395M), historic charm, space for a piano and dining table, modern windows.
• Cons: Far uptown, “transportation woes,” and—GASP—exposed brick and vintage chicken tiles.
• Melinda’s epiphanies (“ew, we don’t need little farm animals”) and impulsive plans to paint over history earn the hosts’ exasperated scorn.

Notable moments:

• “Painting pre-war brick is insane—insane, insane.” — Ronnie (20:22)

B. East Village Walkup (24:42)

• “Gritty” and “Brooklyn Vibe” get the satirical treatment. The two urban naïfs bemoan small spaces and lack of grand entrances.
• Melinda: “Well, no grand foyer.” — met with Ronnie’s withering, “Girl, you too poor for a foyer” (26:43).

Quote:

• “The guy with the baby grand is like, God, it's just so tight in here.” — Ronnie (27:06)

C. Turtle Bay Duplex (32:23)

• Pros: Three bedrooms (room for a third unfortunate roommate!), doorman, elevator attendant, actual kitchen island.
• Cons: Way over budget, cramped with low ceilings, awkward tortuous spiral staircase, and that looming third roommate possibility.
• Hosts question the wisdom of the upgrade: “You want to torture other people? Sean, think about other people!” — Ronnie (33:35)

Notable banter:

• “We’re not really looking for new friends or lovers or orientations.” — Ben as Jonathan (38:09)

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6. Recurring Themes & Roast Highlights

• Reality vs. Fantasy: Both hosts lampoon the couple’s upper-middle-class delusions—especially about space, budget, and New York living.
• Design Tragedies: Melinda’s fixation on “modernizing” spaces (painting brick, removing farm tiles) routinely offends the hosts’ sense of aesthetics.
• Piano Pathos: The specter of craning in the piano (never quite shown) and its fateful impact on every property choice is a running joke.

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Episode Highlights & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Highlights & Quotes | |-------------|---------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:56–03:23 | Character Introductions | “Save it for the stage,” “gaydar is so broken,” Melinda’s delusions| | 04:17–06:54 | Jonathan’s Career & NYC Move | “Hating him as a neighbor,” opera career jokes | | 09:03–10:04 | Budget Realism | “Burger King is $17… not that much,” rage-smiling | | 16:14–18:50 | Harlem Brownstone Tour | “Beautiful doors,” brick/tile complaints, reality check | | 24:42–27:06 | East Village Tour | No grand foyer, tight space, “you too poor for a foyer” | | 32:23–36:38 | Turtle Bay Duplex Tour | Third roommate, elevator attendant, design/travel discussions | | 41:08–42:14 | Final Decision, Aftermath | Crane for the piano, Melinda’s questionable table choice |

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Notable Quotes (with Speaker Attribution)

• “Save it for the stage, sir.” – Ronnie (01:56)
• “I can change him. I can do it.” – Ben (03:48)
• "As someone who's currently shopping for a piano...already, I'm mad at this man." – Ronnie (04:17)
• "This lady needs to relax. You're not getting a foyer with a million and a half dollars." – Ronnie (26:43)
• "Painting pre-war brick is insane—insane, insane." – Ronnie (20:22)
• "Melinda wants to land Jonathan, and the piano just wants to throw itself out the window.” – Ben (32:36)
• "Let me tell you what's really going to be dehumanizing: the first time you sing opera and play the piano in your Lower East Side apartment and someone says, 'Shut the [bleep] up, you no talent fruitcake!'" – Ronnie (29:09)

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Final Thoughts

Ben and Ronnie’s entertaining recap exposes the gap between HGTV fantasy and House Hunters reality, all while skewering their subjects with empathetic, campy barbs. From bad furniture choices to delusions of New York grandeur, and especially the infamous piano, the hosts’ chemistry and comedic timing make this a must-listen for anyone who loves irreverent reality TV commentary.

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For more content and to suggest future Dwell Hello episodes, email them at [e-mail] (subject: Dwell Hello Suggestions).

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Transcript

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[B]

Ding dong. Ding dong ding ding ding ding. Well, hello. All right, everybody. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

This is Ronnie and Ben from Watch what happens here to talk about a little bit of House Hunters today. Hi, Ben, how are things going with you?

[A]

Things are going great, thank you. How are they going with you?

[B]

Good today. Today's was suggested by actually a lot of people, I guess. This was just airing recently and a lot of you wrote in to suggest this episode. And listen, we don't have to be asked 10 times. Nine is good and we're in. This episode is called Piano makes Three in nyc. If you want to find this episode to watch along or walk, watch first or after, however you like to do it. You just go to Max and you search the title Piano Makes Three in NYC and it will pop up as a House Hunters episode. So thanks to everybody for giving it to us. We open with possibly one of the most annoying off the bat people simply because this is how he opens the show. Oh, shut up. You know, save it for the stage, sir.

[A]

Yes, this is Jonathan and he's singing opera. And Linda, our narrator, comes in and says Jonathan, an opera singer, is ready to buy his first place in Manhattan. And along on the journey is his future roommate and future person who will be gouging out their eardrums. Melinda.

[B]

And future, might I add, never going to be his wife, so stop trying. Melinda. Hey, sorry, Melinda, I didn't use my inside voice on that one.

[A]

Future her gaydar is so broken she can't accept reality person. Although I guess that's more present Melinda.

[B]

And you know, that is a stereotype to be like, oh, my God, guys can't have a girlfriend without the girl being in love or whatever. And that's. I think that stereotype is stupid. All my best friends are girls, and they're definitely not in love with me and never have been. But in this case, this girl seems clearly in love with this guy. I mean, she's just like, the way she talks to him and just kind of looks at him and beams every time she looks at him. Girl, wrong tree.

[A]

I can change him. I can do it. This episode is also notable, by the way, because it's taking place in Manhattan. And I have to say, I do not think we've had really many House Hunters episodes that have taken place in New York City. I. Or at least in that have focused on Manhattan. Maybe we've seen some Staten Islands, maybe we've seen some Queens, but the truth is, we've seen plenty of Chicago's. We've seen Los Angeles. We've seen a lot of cities, but New York City is just one that does not land on House Hunters. So that was just notable in and of itself.

[B]

Well, for that, they have Selling New York, which is a really good one. That's one of my favorite old shows. I love that one. I haven't watched it in a long time. I don't even know if it's still on, but I loved it. Okay, so here we are. Jonathan's like, Melinda, it's kind of like a sister to me. And Linda says what they're looking for is a perfect apartment that's in a cool location for her, but still has enough for his. Enough room for his prized piece of furniture. Oh, let me guess. It's a piano. Oh, no. Now, listen, as someone who's currently shopping for a piano, I will have one as well, but I don't live with other people. If I lived in an apartment building or had people that I just. I don't know already, I'm mad at this man. I. I imagine hating him as a neighbor.

[A]

Yeah, I'm. I'm mad about that. I'm also mad because New York City is famous for being so expensive for the amount of square footage you get. So the fact that any of the square footage is going to be gobbled up by, like, a baby grand piano. I think it was a baby grand. I would be. As if I were Melinda, I would be peeved. Especially because his profession is not as a piano player. His profession is as a singer. So why, why, why is a, a standing piano not good enough?

[B]

What?

[A]

Why can't you have an like, Edith Bunker moment?

[B]

Yeah, and upright they're called.

[A]

You're not. You're not Elton John. Okay?

[B]

Yeah, well, I'm no Elton John either, but I still want a baby grand. But I'm trying to choose between baby grand or dining room table. We all know the answer should be dining room table.

[A]

The answer is dining room table. But you do have a house. And so this is reasonable. But like, when you are like, if it's a situation where like, we're going to have a baby grand piano in here and therefore we have to eat off of those little TV trays, you know, like, and our knees are going to be touching each other because this big piano. Maybe consider downsizing the piano. I don't know. I. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, so he's singing with his instructor to double annoy us. You know, there's two of them now. She's like, oh, it's like, I hate you both. Please move out of this building. Hi, I'm the homeowners association.

[A]

Off.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And Jonathan has like a very kind of old fashioned way of talking. Almost like, what's that? Like coked up comedians, John Mulaney. And so he's like, he, he's like, I'm Jonathan. I am an opera singer, a baritone more specifically, and currently staying with my friends just outside of Philadelphia while I begin my search for a home in Manhattan. And as a freelance singer, most of my career is on the road because I'm not good enough to actually have a residency in New York City. So that's more my demon. That's my cross to bear, not yours. But I am happy to tell you all about it.

[B]

He's like, I've sung in Germany, France, Italy, China, the Middle east, the street, a bathtub, a shower, Central park, been under there. Subways, actual subways, airplanes, I mean, any kind of transportation, you name it. My resume is long.

[A]

When they say sing for your supper, that's literally what I have to do. So if it's 7:30 and you're near a Quiznos, be careful because I will be in there first in line singing for that toasty, toasty bun.

[B]

I'm so good, they don't even make me sing anymore at Chili's. They just hand me a chicken sandwich and ask me to please leave. It's amazing.

[A]

It's amazing how many notes are actually in the song. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs.

[B]

So he's like, yeah, it's been a lot of fun to be able to go to a lot of those different places. But for me, New York is just still very much a hub, an epicenter of culture and classical music. And so he's gonna move to New York at 40 something to pursue his dream as a grand baby grand pian wielding opera singer. Good luck. And I mean it, because everybody deserves to follow their dream, no matter what age you are. But his dad just died and left him a huge amount of money. And he's like, I'm blowing this on a baby grand and a tiny apartment, girl. What's going to happen when your budget runs out and you have to move that thing? You're not going to be able to. You're gonna have to leave that baby grant, and then they're going to charge you and not give you your deposit back over it. I just see your future and it's smiling awkwardly and miserable on the inside.

[A]

Yes. So he is with, like, an instructor, and he's like, I think that we've earned a refreshment. So they, like, go to the kitchen, whatever, to, like, pour themselves a cocktail or something. And he's like, so the budget is 1.5 million. This is a staggering number for me. With that comes a lot of anxiety about making the right financial investment. And I thought having a roommate would help offset the cost. I'm like, you want to. You have a 1.5 million dollar investment. We're in your kitchen right now. You don't even have shelves. You just have racks. You just have metal racks that you've stacked everything on.

[B]

Yeah. And 1.5 million. It sounds like so much in New York. It's not really in the world. I mean, I don't. I'm sure I don't need to remind you guys, because I've been very upset for a long time about this, but burger king is 17, so 1.5 million is really not that much. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm about to spend so much money. I better get everything I want. I'm not getting dick. Okay, well, you might get dick, but that's free. Usually so cute enough to get that, but you're not getting a 1.5 million place. It's great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Spoiler alert. I'm wrong.

[A]

So he is like. He's like, let me FaceTime Melinda, okay? Because she's going to move in with me. Hi, Melinda. She's like, I'm a Carrie. What can I say? Oh, look at you having A drink in New York City. You're already adopting some of the tropes I see. This won't be annoying in our friendship.

[B]

I love that I'm a Carrie, just so you know. And so it's like my good friend from future roommate Melinda's along for this journey. He has this other thing where he's constantly smiling.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it's a tick. It's not even, like, real happiness. It's just a tick. He can't stop smiling. And as we go along, it looks more and more like a breakdown. Like a slow motion breakdown where he's just like, I'm so happy. I'm just sorry. I don't believe you. I believe that this man cries a lot.

[A]

It's a rage smile. This is someone who works at Williams Sonoma who you've now asked them three times to go and double check to see if a Dutch oven is in stock. Well, I've checked and it's not available. So like I said before, we do have a lovely selection of stob Dutch ovens, But if you want Le Creuset, unfortunately, we can't help you, but you can order it online. Okay, I am going to smile my rage at you because I should be on break and instead you're pestering me with questions by L Cruset.

[B]

You're like, I don't want to stop. And you just hear, police, pay attention, please.

[A]

By the way, I'm not saying that I drew that example out of my past experiences, but I'm also not not saying it. I may have once.

[B]

Yeah, that was 100% real.

[A]

That was something that I did to someone once where I made him go downstairs to check on a L model like, two times. And he's like, we don't have it. What about the stobs? I was like, I don't want stob. She's an evil person.

[B]

So he's like, melinda is on this journey with me. I've known Melinda since she was very young. Her brother was my partner for over 11 years, and that didn't work. But, you know, she's just like family. I have a sister who lives in Texas, but this is my sister who lives in New York. And, you know, we're close because she's going to be paying my mortgage while she listens to me hammer on a piano and sing opera. That's a good friend right there.

[A]

So he is going to be taking a train in and he's going to be seeing her there. So they now we see Jonathan and Melinda walking in New York. And Melinda's like. And Jonathan's like, melinda, what a nice sight to see off of the subway. Do we have to take that train often in this city? Because if so, I may be rethinking this entire move. It was absolutely disgusting. I was accosted by a rat that couldn't even sing opera.

[B]

Melinda's like, I'm so excited to get to be roommates and get to incorporate all of our favorite design aesthetics because I'm an interior designer, so I kind of have an eye, and I know what he's looking for, and I can really help him create that vision. Oh, you're. You know what? You need to be worried about that. Not the vision, the sound. Okay, I know. You need to worry about your ears. I. I see you. You need to create a vision of giant soundproof headphones that you can put on, girl.

[A]

Because you have to create a vision of how a journeyman opera singer is going to be able to afford a $1.5 million apartment. How about that? So his wish list is he wants to be in a modern high rise. So they approach a tall building, and he's like, a high rise in the sky, like, super mod. I just don't know how possible that is in my budget, you know, my budget will be earning $35 a month as an opera singer for hire.

[B]

I don'. This is a high rise either. Am I thinking of this wrong? But this is not a high rise.

[A]

I think they're just walking. I think they're just, like, walking around the city looking at buildings at this point. Okay. Yeah.

[B]

I don't think they ever get to a highrise, so. Yeah, one of them I think they called a high rise. And I was like, that's, like three stories. Okay, so Melinda is like, I just always envisioned a quaint, charming apartment for us by, you know, Brooklyn. Downtown Brooklyn. Yeah. And he's like, no, like, Manhattan charm, you mean? Right? Just no, like downtown Brooklyn. He says, oh, so New York City right in the midtown. Charm. Brooklyn charm.

[A]

What. What I love about Melinda is that she is the sort of person that everyone in Brooklyn hates because she's kind of just like a basic. But she wants to be around the hipsters. You know, she goes down. She goes down to, like, Prospect park or whatever. It's like, oh, my God, you guys do pickling down here. I love pickling. Be like, get out of here. You don't have bangs.

[B]

As somebody that lived in Williamsburg for a solid six years or so. Yeah, she's the. She's the enemy. That infiltrated for sure, you know, and turned it all into condos and shit like that. That's like. That's definitely this type.

[A]

Yeah. She is the type that during pumpkin spice season, she's putting on a fedora and going to Nashville. But she's also like, oh, my God, Brooklyn is so cute. I just want to be near Brooklyn. And all the answers are like, I bought these to sell Getty glasses so I don't have to be near people like you. What are you doing here?

[B]

So then, John, she's like, yeah, I want to be in downtown because it's easier to get to Brooklyn. And all my friends are in Brooklyn. Very, very hip person. Super hip. And he's like, oh. Not that it would be based solely on your social life, of course, but it could be fun to explore areas. I'm just not familiar with Brooklyn. I mean, where's that? Queens? What, Staten island or Love Islands? Right. I do have three key points.

[A]

Yeah, I just. I like. By the way, he's. He's kind of like. You can tell. He's kind of like, this is my money that I inherited, and I'm the opera singer. So we are living by Lincoln Center. I don't care what you say about Brooklyn, but I'm going to smile my rage through you and be like, wow, that's fun. Brooklyn. Never heard of it. I'm excited to see an exotic new land, but we probably won't live there, let's be honest. But cool for you for thinking that we might be able to.

[B]

Huh. So his wish list is obviously the piano and the dining room. He needs a dining table because he's very fancy and wants to eat at a table. And then a living area where they can. Emily does, like, spread out and live and be comfortable with each other as we hold each other during the sunset and watch Law and Order reruns. Well, maybe watch some movies would be fun.

[A]

Yeah, I was thinking maybe some. Some. Something like, I don't know, some Nancy Myers movies. She's like, I'm not familiar. Okay. This has been a terrible decision. So now the realtor has sent them some options. So the first one they're gonna go to is in Harlem. And he's like, well, well, we are not downtown or close to Lincoln center, but look at this high rise. Five stories, huge.

[B]

Another neighborhood that's gonna immediately hate these people.

[A]

Harlem.

[B]

Harlem.

[A]

These are two people. This is not a match. This is not. These two.

[B]

Yeah, these two are not hipster enough to pull that one out. They're just not Cool enough to pull that off. I'm sorry. And they don't really ever pick a neighborhood that's good for them, really.

[A]

In this whole.

[B]

In this whole thing.

[A]

They don't. And Melinda's like, you know, I noticed it took me an hour to get here. Okay, that's a long way to go from the flea. And so he's like, that's right. So that this place is 1.395 million. And it's not a high rise. But Melinda likes it, has a lot of character.

[B]

So it's gorgeous. This apartment is gorgeous. This is the Harlem one. It is beautiful. And they're so unappreciative. That makes me crazy about them. They walk up and they're. Well, it's old. Yeah, it's a. What are you talking about? Of course it's old. And he's like, well, I mean, I guess I like the doors. I mean, they have character. Those are extremely intricate, beautifully done doors. And they're acting like. Well, I guess we could put up with it. It's got some personality, even though it's old. Fuck you. They're like walking into magic, and they're just like. I mean, I guess it's okay.

[A]

But the problem is that the staircase coming up is really narrow, and it's like, how are you going to get your piano up there? You know? He's like, yeah. Having a piano for me is obviously of the utmost importance, and I would have to do very seriously consider one would actually get a piano up here. I'm like, get. Like, you're not ready for your baby. Your baby grand piano. You put the cart before the horse. It's an upright piano for you, sir.

[B]

Yeah. You're not ready, sir, and so is anybody. Those things are like £5,000. Those are not.

[A]

I know. That's true, too. I don't think an upright piano solves any of the issues here.

[B]

Yeah. So then Melinda's like, they're talking about the door. You know, all that good stuff. So, yeah, the stairs suck. And then he's like, could be interesting piano times here. And he's like, having the piano for me, obviously, utmost importance. I would have to be seriously crazy to consider how one would actually get a piano in here. Right? Am I right, guys? Should we do it?

[A]

So the realtor says that the challenges with clients often is that is that what they want and where they want it don't always mesh well. You think? That's the premise of this entire show. So he's like, if we found something like this, like, on the Upper west side, it would probably be two to two, two and a half million dollars, which is, again, crazy, because ultimately, this apartment is the size of a shoe.

[B]

Yeah. And so it's two bedrooms, two bath. And Melinda's like, oh, my God, the kitchen's huge. Gross. We don't need a kitchen. I mean, I don't cook literally everything that comes out of these people's mouths. I'm like, who are you? Go to a different city. Anyone in New York. To have a kitchen that size would be like boner town, you know?

[A]

He's like, I wish it were a little bit smaller, so we could have allotted it towards more living space. And some. You know, it's like, so you want more living space, presumably, to entertain, so that way you'll have a tiny kitchen to entertain. Okay. You have to think of some of these things they were through.

[B]

Exactly. So now they're looking at the high ceilings, and then they walk in and see an exposed brick wall, which is gorgeous, and go, ew. And he's like, that's kind of funky, right? And they're like, yeah. The realtor is like, yeah. When they did these townhouses, there were brick and so they could close them up after they were done so they can get from apartment to apartment. And Jonathan's like, well, that's sneaky. And Melinda says, well, I mean, I think the brick is like, that's a little gritty for me. That's what we're saying now, right? Jonathan, He's a gritty. Totally gritty. Yeah, it's gritty. I don't know that I really like gritty. We should definitely paint the. Paint the brick. I was like, okay, Melinda, you're dead to me now. I know you're dead.

[A]

This is so gritty, guys. I want to live in Brooklyn. I'm like, lady, what are you expecting to find in Brooklyn? So they're gonna.

[B]

Welcome to the rest of your life, you weirdo.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who moves to Brooklyn and doesn't like gritty things?

[A]

I know. Who like, exposed brick. Like, that is like, the dream, isn't it, in New York City? So she's like, we should paint.

[B]

Yes. And it's a deadly sin to paint it. To just be like, I'm gonna paint the brick. The pre war brick is insane. Insane, insane.

[A]

So then there's like, a little fireplace, and it has these. This, like, these tile on it with, like, little blue farm animals, which I think is very cute and adorable and has lots of character. She's like, ew. We don't need little farm animals. You know what we need tiles from Ikea. Put them up there.

[B]

Yeah, we really need to modernize this with kind of like, marble countertops and, you know, maybe like a navy blue cabinet. Like, oh, Jesus Christ, just go suck Joanna's dick already. Get out of here, Melinda.

[A]

Jonathan's like, chicken tiles. No, I was going high rise mod glam. The brown zone is one step in a direction, but the country tile is definitely several steps in another direction. Jonathan, you are a team gay, okay? You are a sweater wearing team gay. Chicken tile is for you. Stop fighting your destiny. You are a gay made for chicken tile. Like, I would love chicken tile. I'm jealous of your chicken tile. You have a gift.

[B]

Well, it's very east coast, like, Connecticut Y. It's like rich person tile.

[A]

It's cute and vintage, and it has chickens on it. And why would you ever get rid of it?

[B]

Yeah, these two. I'm embarrassed for these two being like, we're so New York now because I inherited money and you guys are such yokels. It's funny to watch it. So now they walk through and they see. We see a bathroom and a guest room. Bathroom or bedroom. And he's like, oh, well, I guess that would be called the Melinda Room. Am I right? She goes, oh, the Melinda Room. That's nice. Is that where I just do my design? Because I'm sleeping in your bed, right? I mean, just friends.

[A]

And then they go in past the Melinda room and they. They go into, like, a bathroom. At some point, they. They make their way into a bathroom, and there's more exposed brick. But they have put the glass from the shower over it and caulked it to protect the bricks. That way it's not an issue. And he's like, oh, wow. Well, this looks difficult. This looks like it could be. He said he's like, I'd be worried about the maintenance. There is no maintenance. The glass is covering the brick so moisture doesn't get in. It's designed this way. Just wipe the glass. Oh, you little dope.

[B]

So then, let's see here. They look at the main bedroom, and he's like. It's like, well, this could be painted because there's more exposed brick. So these people are just mortifying me every time they see brick. They're paying. It can get rid of it. Any character. Please erase it. Let's take this apart. Let's lobotomize this apartment and then take it.

[A]

Yeah. So they go back out to the living area, and he's like, well, this is intriguing, for sure. It's some stuff we didn't anticipate. And she's like, yeah, but I think there's, like, a lot to think about. Like, we could so much like brick. We could paint so many, like, cute details. We could just scrape on down, shave down. But it's a little far from everywhere that I like to go. Like Brooklyn, where there's no exposed brick or cute, clever character driven tile or grit.

[B]

So then he's like, yeah, well, it's not our usual hangout spot. So it would just be a matter of getting acclimated a bit to what's around here. Because I like quiet. Is it going to be too sleepy around here? Is it sleep? I love sleep. Well, you're going to put a lot of people to it, I'll tell you that much.

[A]

So now these two idiots are trying a hipper neighborhood, quote, unquote hipper, formerly hip. Now that these two are thinking about moving into it that Melinda wants to push for. But he's still not sold on this either. So they're walking around and he goes, oh, wow, this does have kind of a gritty, kind of Brooklyn vibe that makes me worried that I'm gonna grow a man bun. And then we find out that they're in the East Village. It's like. You're at nyu. I mean, I don't know, I guess the. Or I guess NYU is just the Village, right?

[B]

Well, East Village. East Village can be a little gritty, but I mean, it's. It's silly. They're just so whitewashed coming to the East Village, like, ooh, gritty. Look at the gritty of us.

[A]

Look how far we've come. And you're like, yeah, you're in a pretty popular area.

[B]

So it's like, well, I vaguely remember a couple of bar nights here, but that's about it. She goes, oh, it's going to give you the youthful energy that you've been after. It's going to give you creeper energy.

[A]

Okay, so they're in the East Village, and you know, he says that Sean the realtor is saying how it's the beginning of a lot of different musical and artistic movements. And Jonathan, being a musician, you know, he's like, I thought that Jonathan might appreciate it. But then again, you would think that Melinda, as an interior designer would appreciate exposed brick walls. So who knows what to expect from these idiots?

[B]

Who knows what's going to come out of these people's mouths? So the realtor is like, so today the East Village is An area that's the beginning of a lot of different musical and artistic movements. Like, really? Rent, rent, rent, rent, rent. Oh, I'll take it. I'll take it. Very artistic. Very, very artistic. He's like, east Village defines downtown living. So then he's not liking this one. So they're in front of another large brick building, and he's like, I want something more streamlined, so modern. This is, like, somewhere in between. And she goes, neither. It doesn't look like much, but sometimes the inside is amazing, you know, like people. Who cares if they have a penis or not, right? It's all what's on the inside.

[A]

Nice try, Melinda. So they go in, and he's like, well, there is an elevator, so that's pretty swanky. And she's like, yeah, that's gonna help with the piano. Probably won't. I don't think the piano's putting in that elevator. And it probably will destroy the weight limits, so also, enjoy the elevator.

[B]

Never working.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, that's what you're getting into.

[A]

So you were really pissed off when she made the comments about the bricks. Here's what pissed me off. They walk into this apartment in New York City. In New York City. We all know what the apartments are like in New York City. They walk in and Melinda goes, well, no grand foyer. Oh, I'm sorry.

[B]

The foyer.

[A]

I'm sorry, Melinda. Sorry. Oh, watch your head on that chandelier. You want to. Okay. Like, of course there's no grand foyer. She's like, we just walk right into a kitchen. Welcome to, like, most apartments even outside of New York City. Okay, this lady needs to relax.

[B]

Yeah, she's not gonna last long here. No foyer. Girl, you too poor for a four. You don't get a foyer with a million and a half dollars. Okay, Cough up another six. You're lucky to even get an ice machine in your fridge here.

[A]

And then Jonathan's like, oh, let me just shimmy past the door here. That's my passive aggressive way of saying, this is cramped. I'm like, you're the one who wants to put a giant piano in it, sir, so stop complaining.

[B]

I know. The guy with the baby grand is like, God, it's just so tight in here. Melinda, get rid of something, because.

[A]

Good incentive to lose weight. Thank you for that, Sean. The ceilings are high, which is nice. He's like, yeah, and there's crown molding. Disgusting. Get rid of it, Melinda. Scrape it off. I'm right on top of that, Jonathan.

[B]

And he's like, well, I don't See my, like, three. My top three here, like, my piano space, my television space in my dining area. So what am I going to do about that? And the realtor guy is like, well, put in a table, like a cafe table, and then you can have your piano over there. And Melinda's like, that's going to be tight, like me, right? Stop it, Melinda.

[A]

Seriously, Melinda, you're getting a little inappropriate in front of Sean. But, you know. You know, I'm okay. Sean, let me try to rage smile this for you, okay? Now that I'm talking about these kind of numbers, rage smile. The idea that, well, anywhere else just seems absurd, that I couldn't have more than a bistro table. It's like, yeah, but that's because you're cramming a giant piano into your tiny New York apartment for that number. How about you sell your piano and get some money from it and get a little Casio keyboard? You can sing your opera to that.

[B]

He's like, I mean, now that I'm buying a place, and now that I'm talking about these kind of numbers, I mean, huge numbers. 1.5 million. Are you kidding me? I mean, where's my mansion? I mean, the fact that I can't even get a bistro table more than a bistro table. Ridiculous. Oh, my God. Call the mayor. Complaining to house hunters about. Okay, yeah, it's called the economy, sir.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, I. You know, I've made many sacrifices in city living and apartment living, and one of them is I have eaten off my coffee table for several years, and I just think, at this point in my life as a occasionally performing opera singer, it's a little dehumanizing, and I'm ready for an actual dining area. Here's an idea. Put some place mats on your piano and enjoy.

[B]

Let me tell you what's really going to be dehumanizing. The first time you sing opera and play the piano in your Lower east side apartment and someone says, shut the up, you no talent fruitcake. Come over there and kick your ass.

[A]

Yeah, that's exactly correct right there. So then he's like, well, does this mean downgrading the baby grand piano to an upright? Because that. Because that would go very nicely here, but my soul cries at the concept. Well, guess who still wasn't crying? Any person in a very lovely. In a very lovely movie about singing Christmas carols. Because as far as I can tell, they all gather around that piano and are very happy with it, truly.

[B]

So Melissa's like. Or Melinda's like, oh, gosh, that seems wrong. I could totally play around with this. We'll make a floor plan if it's something we're serious about, because I'm a interior designer, so I can make 5ft look like 5ft. It's going to be amazing. You're going to love it.

[A]

This is why we like Melinda, because she can do the calculations and I can do a lot more for you. Jonathan, I don't like when you talk like that, Melinda. She goes, well, well, maybe there's a nook we're not considering. Oh, yes. Maybe there's a hidden nook in this square room.

[B]

Totally grand, grand piano sized nook over here somewhere.

[A]

Wait a second. This wall is. This wall isn't as a projection. There's actually more space behind it.

[B]

And he's like, most people probably think this was far too small, but for me, I just don't know what else we would need. Right? I mean, why would we need space? I mean, there's you, there's me, there's me, there's you. There's laps, there's butts. Me sitting on your lap. She didn't get it. A sofa, an easy chair. An easy chair. A love seat. That would be good. Just one chair. Let's just sit on the floor together in sleeping bags, put on a fire and cuddle. Wouldn't that be fine?

[A]

Melinda, I'm gonna need you to take five paces back. Thank you very much. So they. The kitchen is. So what they're talking about is the kitchen, because the kitchen is a small little galley kitchen. And they're happy that it's small because it's not cutting into their space because they don't cook. They famously want a tiny kitchen, and they don't cook. They never have to be in there. Which makes sense why Melinda says, I think we should reconsider the finishes. You're not using the kitchen. Who cares about the finishes? Why are you spending this money on the finishes right now?

[B]

Yeah. So now they go look at the bedrooms. And he. Jonathan's like, oh, my God, this is so tight. And Melissa, Melinda's like, well, it's at least brighter and airier than I thought it would be. I mean, so they don't really love this one. I don't really love this one either. This one's not great. It's. Yeah, it is. Lower ceilings, which I don't think is abnormal, but is this the one with the spiral staircase?

[A]

No, this one. This one's like, actually a perfectly nice. It's a perfectly nice apartment. It's just that it just, it can't support also having a baby grand piano. This is like a normal sized small apartment, if that makes sense. So you know, they're just like. The piano is really just what's everything up? But it's like a, it's a perfectly nice apartment. I don't think the building is so charming, but it also, it's not a terrible choice.

[B]

Right? So this one didn't have the lower ceilings. I'm.

[A]

I think, I'm thinking the next one. The next.

[B]

Okay, so then, yeah, the next one. They are walking by a brick building and he's like, oh my God. It's one of these pre war, like cool buildings, right? An important residence, if you will. I mean it was built before Vietnam.

[A]

Guys, Jonathan wants to land a place for himself. Future roommate Melinda wants to land Jonathan. And the piano just wants to throw itself out the window. Well, we can only hope this all works out. So now we're in Turtle Bay. But Even with a 1.5 million dollar budget to spend, Jonathan may have to compromise on style, which looks like he's already gotten ahead of with his wardrobe.

[B]

Like this might be a little part of history, am I right? So they go into the lobby, and he loves the lobby. And this one is 1.75. 1.75 million, which is crazy. And because that's a lot more than the budget. It's not like a little bit more. That's a lot.

[A]

And it's a very charming like lobby. This is like some art deco shit. It's like this is an old building, but it comes with like a doorman, which by the way, also means money. Like, why are you going to a place that has a doorman? You don't need a doorman. But it's already a very charming sort of spot.

[B]

Yeah. And they have an elevator attendant, which means someone rides in the elevator with you. So that's hot. And this one's also three bedrooms. And so they're like, why are you showing us a three bedroom? And Sean's like, well, it's much bigger than we've seen and maybe you should just get a roommate. Oh God, now you want to torture other people? Sean, think about other people. Don't just think about yourself. Oh.

[A]

And they're like, yeah, I got a roommate. It'll be, it'll be. That'll work out well. And Jonathan's like, well, the idea of a third roommate, My knee jerk reaction is to reject it viscerally. Huh. But given that, it may afford me a larger Space. It may be something I can consider. I mean, like, you're worried about the roommate. What about the roommate has to live there with while you're, you know, singing La Traviata off key to your piano.

[B]

So they go in and Melinda's like, not much of a foyer. And then she needs to.

[A]

Melinda, she needs to talk.

[B]

Seriously. She's like in the backyard. I'm just gonna assume that the backyard's.

[A]

Outside or, you know. Melinda, your foyer, it's downstairs and it comes with a doorman. Okay. That is your foyer. You're now in your apartment.

[B]

We have a private garage. Right. How many things can I fit? Like three cars and storage. I can't wait. Where's the pool? Where's that?

[A]

So this one, this apartment does have lower ceilings, but it's actually a two story apartment. It does feel like a little cramped in there in general, but I think it's cuz the ceilings are lower. And it's also fully furnished. If it had not been fully furnished, it may have like felt bit little, a little more spacious. But there is a kitchen that's big enough that it has an island. And like there have been. We have not seen anything close to a kitchen with an island so far this episode.

[B]

And so of course I hate it. But then there's a. A spiral staircase. It's like a Home Depot cheap ass metal spiral staircase. I've had them like, oh my God, a spiral staircase. How glamorous. I'm like, you two are literally hopeless. I can't. You've not said one thing that doesn't make you think. Doesn't make me think. You are tacky trash, both of you. Shame on you.

[A]

But you know what I kind of liked about this apartment is it felt to me very much like the sort of apartment you would live in if you were like, you know, in. If you were like an opera singer or something like that. It feels like the place you would walk into and there'd be posters from like Lincoln center and like bookcases and it'd be like cozy and artsy in there, but like, you know, fancy artsy. So I was like, totally. I actually really like this apartment for them, but I think it's. It's way too much for them to deal with.

[B]

Yeah, it's too much. I didn't love the short ceilings and stuff. I just thought, what part of town is this in again? Did they say Turtle Bay?

[A]

I looked it up. I think it's like. I think Turtle Bay is around like 42nd Street. I think it's here. I'm going to look at first, by the way, also, who had the nerve to name any part of Manhattan? Turtle Bay. There's nothing Bay like about Manhattan. Yeah, I'm looking at its location now. Midtown East. Midtown east, basically.

[B]

Oh, I mean, that's not great.

[A]

It's not closer to Lincoln Center.

[B]

Yeah. And that's. No, I don't think anybody wants to live Midtown East. Is that a thing?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's like.

[B]

It looks like it's midtown.

[A]

The range looks like it's 20th, 40. This looks like it's 42nd street to 59th street, from Avenue off to the East River.

[B]

Well, that's actually okay. Yeah, that's okay. I mean, I feel like 34th or 42nd is no. Is a no go or so. Like, 48th is a no go. But then above that, it starts getting okay, right?

[A]

Yeah. This looks like it's, like, north of Murray Hill. It encapsulates the un.

[B]

So I thought that was on the Upper east side. Isn't the Upper east side like, I used to work by the un? How do I feel? Like, okay, anyway, nobody cares. Yeah, now we're just talking about random. Like, wow, what neighborhood is that? Okay, so then the bed. The bed she's complaining about finishes, which is silly. And then he's like, well, this bedroom's not a bad size. And she goes, well, can we get a smaller bed? Because it's just going to be so hard to be close to you with with a bed big enough to fit. It's a smaller bed, please, Melinda.

[A]

So Melinda then goes, we're quite the pair, and I don't know how a third person would come into this situation. Melinda, why do you have your hand on my chest right now? We're not really looking for new friends or lovers or orientations.

[B]

She's like, oh, yeah, I would. Here's what I'd say to our roommate. You can't sit with us. I'm just kidding. I mean, it's something to consider if you end up feeling like you love the space. And it's true, you do travel a lot, so could consider somebody else that might have some kind of attraction to me, because I am just kind of giving up my youth for you. Piano and opera all day. I mean, not that that's a bad thing, but, you know, maybe there are other options. You know, any other handsome gay people who are really, really supremely talented, have a lot of money just from an.

[A]

Inheritance, and then they. They also have. Have to share the bathroom space, I guess, upstairs. So he's like, well, I may just have to tell them to go downstairs and use Melinda's bathroom. Guess what? You're downstairs. Wait a second. I don't get to go up the staircase? No, absolutely not.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Okay, so now they have a large room, so they're super excited about it. And then now the main thing is like, can we have a roommate? And Jonathan's like, it's perplexing me. So then we go to the realtor's office and they're talking this over, and Realtor Sean's like, if you have any questions, just come get me, but please don't make it. How can I fit a baby, granted, in a tiny bathroom? Because you can't. Okay, be right out there.

[A]

Well, the thing about the Harlem location is the price of the brownstone is a bit under the max budget. And it kind of had this traditional thing going on in the front and then this modern thing going on in the back. It's an architectural mullet, if you will. She's like, like, I don't get it. Okay, well, you said you liked Brooklyn, so I thought you'd understand a mullet reference. Still don't understand.

[B]

And she's like, but are we gonna feel isolated being so far uptown? I'm just a little nervous. Yes, you are.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You guys are moving to New York City and moving all the way uptown.

[A]

That's.

[B]

It's a lot.

[A]

Enjoy.

[B]

My friend. Yes. And my friend lived in Harlem, and it's a beautiful place, like. And you know, they've done a lot of beautiful things with it. But I went there. I've been there two nights. One night the subway was completely broken, and they kept it said, like, it's coming on at 2 in the morning. So I waited for like an hourish and it never came back. And then the next time, it just wasn't working at all. Like, you can't. Because they're working on that. So they're always working on the subway. You always have to be prepared to get home, is what I'm saying. In. In that town, you're a product.

[A]

Yeah, you're. But there's room for a piano and for a dining table. And it's nice.

[B]

It is.

[A]

It is gorgeous. Yeah. We didn't even talk about the fact that in the bedrooms that the window panes were very modern and big and it was lovely.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I would move there. I think it's gorgeous. I would. I would have picked that one for sure. But I Just he's the one who's like, I just want to be by Lincoln Center. And I mean, Lincoln center is what, 70 something around their Columbus.

[A]

It's on the other side though.

[B]

You're have to.

[A]

They're gonna have to take a bus. I think actually if it's Harlem, they could be on the other side, right?

[B]

Yeah, I think that's far up, up west. I don't know. I don't remember. God, my brain is mush. So then, yeah, so they end up choosing number Harlem. Right. And so they walk in and we're checking out what it is and they didn't give us what we really need as an audience. And that is Melinda in a neg. Just kidding. We didn't get the piano. They never showed whether or not he fit the piano and how he's going to fit the piano.

[A]

Yeah, we do know that they're going to crane in the piano. But what has arrived instead is a dining room table. Melinda has sourced a hideous black, marbly looking dining room table with like intense white veining. Now, I don't, I already don't like very intense veining in marble like that anyway. But it also just doesn't match anything going on in this place. It was just, it just, it was just wrong for the space. It was just like, oh, here is a, a designer who like goes to CB2.

[B]

So.

[A]

Yeah, good luck to you guys.

[B]

Yeah, that was, that was pretty rough on her part, but that's pretty much that. They're super happy. They're, you know, they don't have to get a third. They're really excited. And he's like, my dad was so amazing and he wanted to see us do well. And so I think the best way that I could spend his money is by wasting it on a baby granite. Blowing it on. Two months in New York. I have to sell this and move home.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Enjoy driving Uber. So that was that. Thank you for everyone who suggested this episode. It was super fun. And if you have seen a House Hunters episode that you think that we would have fun recapping, then write us an email at at watch what crappens gmail.com and please put in the subject header Dwell. Hello suggestions. That way when we use that term to narrow down our emails to find the suggestions, we will find yours as well. So thanks everyone and we will catch you on the next Dwell. Hello.

[B]

Love you guys. Bye bye bye.

[A]

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