Dwell Hello #504 Young Buyers Hit Brick Wall

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Watch What Crappens" — Dwell Hello #504 Young Buyers Hit Brick Wall (Feb 13, 2025)

Episode Overview

Hosts Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam bring their comedic sharpness to another "Dwell Hello" segment focused on “House Hunters: Season 6, Episode 8 – Young Buyers Hit Brick Wall.” The pair recap an early-2010s house-hunting couple in Grand Rapids, Michigan (Eric and Chelsea), dissecting their wish lists, personality clashes, and lack of taste, while continually roasting both the participants and the show itself.

The result is a highly irreverent, detailed breakdown of not only the houses toured but also the dynamics, quirks, and (often disappointing) design choices of the hopeful homeowners-to-be, all filtered through Ben and Ronnie’s signature wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction of House Hunters Couple and Setting (01:50–05:51)

• Meet Eric & Chelsea: Eric (type A, faux hawk aficionado, civil engineer) and Chelsea (customer service rep; aggressive side-bang). The hosts spend ample time teasing Eric’s out-of-date faux hawk style:
  • Ronnie: "You are too old for that, sir." (02:23)
  • Ben: "Yeah, you're a type dull personality." (02:55)
• Grand Rapids Life: Couple enjoys the local zoo (“all you can eat buffet of zoos” — Ben), outdoor seating (an innovation, per the couple), and bridges — highlighted in typical “House Hunters” fashion.
  • “Here you can stand on a bridge. That's a big thing in House Hunters lately...” — Ben (06:12)
• Relationship Backstory: Met at a party, tried long-distance, broke up, Chelsea taught English in Cambodia and married Eric after returning.
  • Ronnie (as Chelsea): "Yeah, it's called settling." (06:53)

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2. The Wish List Clashes (07:53–14:50)

• Divided Preferences:
  • Eric wants older homes, dark wood, brick fronts, two living spaces, and arch doorways: "I need something that's gonna get up in this household... mostly for Eric's hairstyle to get through." — Ronnie (09:57)
  • Chelsea prefers newer homes, light wood, two stories, three bedrooms and two baths (having grown up in a two-story).
• Household Habits: Arguments over laundry (Eric is meticulous; Chelsea doesn’t separate colors) and cookie baking (Chelsea’s cookies all run together).
  • "You got to do the laundry. Sorry if I do it, your jeans are going in with your whites." — Ronnie as Chelsea (14:16)
• Pet and Pool: Eric wants a yard for a dog; Chelsea wants a pool (to mildly spite Eric and “maybe drown him, not the kids” — snarky banter).
• Budget: Shocked by their modest $145k figure (2012 Grand Rapids prices), with both hosts fantasizing about fleeing expensive cities:
  • "Is that true? I'm moving Grand Rapids." — Ronnie (15:28)

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3. Enter Mike Usendorp, the Agent (16:04–17:46)

• Character Portrait: Mike is instantly beloved and lampooned. The hosts read his verbose, earnest Zillow bio, highlighting his family values, Christianity, and “ustendorpy-ness”.
  • "There’s no more ustendorpy person than this guy." — Ronnie (16:20)

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4. House #1: The Cape Cod (18:34–26:53)

• Details: $114,900, 3 beds, 1.5 baths, dark wood, coved ceilings, aluminum siding, and slanted ceilings in the main bedroom.
• Couple’s Reaction:
  • Chelsea likes archways and cove ceilings.
  • Eric nitpicks: dislikes slanted ceilings ("What's the deal with the ceiling?" (22:15)), wants brick (but it’s aluminum).
  • Mike grows visibly weary of Eric’s refusal to compromise:
    • "This is a Cape Cod style, Eric. The roof line is the ceiling line in this style of house, okay?" — Ronnie as Mike (22:23)
• Basement and Laundry: Finished basement with laundry earns mixed reviews.
  • "If the basement is not finished enough, then finish it! You're $40,000 under budget..." — Ben (25:27)

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5. House #2: “New” Construction (27:15–32:18)

• Details: $150k, built in 1976, HOA with a community pool, some brick, lighter cabinets/wood, laminate flooring, laundry in the half bath.
• Reactions:
  • Chelsea is quietly happy: “...since this is the kind of house I’ve been looking for, I don’t think I’m gonna bring it to anyone’s attention.” (28:45)
  • Eric bemoans the absence of “real” materials: brick, hardwood, real tile ("Is this a laminate on the floor? What am I supposed to do with the laminate?" — Eric, mocked by Ben (29:05)).
  • Both hosts rip into Eric’s snobbery, given the price point and fashion sense.
• Laundry in the Bath: Universally rejected but Ben notes, “beggars can’t be choosers.” (30:36)
• Chelsea’s Sarcasm: “Geez, I wish I had been more pickier.” (31:24)

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6. House #3: Colonial Compromise (33:26–38:32)

• Details: $124,000, only partial brick front (a sticking point for Eric), two stories, brick fireplace, a “very drab” green color scheme, original real tile pink bathroom, backyard, and finished basement.
• Couple’s Dynamic:
  • Eric: Still fixated on building materials (“How does it go from hardwood to laminate? Get serious about it.” (35:34))
  • Chelsea: Pragmatic but resigned to Eric’s pickiness.
  • Mike: Borderline exasperated: “Boy, this Eric is a tough nut... tough to please, this one.” (36:07)
• Favorite Room: Chelsea chooses a small balcony bedroom, only to be told by Eric they can’t fit a king bed.
• Laundry in Finished Basement: Still not ideal, per Eric, but a slight upgrade.

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7. Decision & Epilogue (38:45–40:18)

• Final Choice: House #3 (Colonial); they even negotiate the price down to $122k.
• Renovations: They repaint from drab green to “butter yellow” and new green shutters. Ben and Ronnie mock their lack of taste:
  • "What are you doing? You're making the house look worse. What are you guys doing?" — Ronnie (39:18)
• General Consensus: Despite Eric’s relentless snobbery and both parties’ questionable style, House #3 ultimately suits their needs — even if they fit it out “wrong” in the hosts’ view.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You are too old for that, sir.” — Ronnie on Eric's faux hawk (02:23)
• "Here you can stand on a bridge. That's a big thing in House Hunters lately...” — Ben (06:12)
• “Yeah, it’s called settling.” — Ronnie as Chelsea (06:53)
• "Just so you know, if I do it, your jeans are going in with your whites." — Ronnie as Chelsea on laundry (14:16)
• "This guy is the most ustendorpy Mike you've ever met." — Ben on their realtor (16:04)
• “What’s the point of being raised if you can’t actually be raised from the ground, you know?” — Ben on two-story houses (08:57)
• _"If the basement is not finished enough... finish it! You’re $40,000 under budget." — Ben (25:27)
• "Is this a laminate on the floor? What am I supposed to do with the laminate?" — Ben mocking Eric’s complaints (29:05)
• “Boy, this Eric is a tough nut. He's a tough. He's tough to please, this one.” — Ben as Mike (36:07)
• "What are you doing? You're making the house look worse. What are you guys doing?" — Ronnie on their final paint choices (39:18)
• “The taste level wasn’t as high on this one, but it was still a fun watch. That guy’s a little butthead, that’s for sure.” — Ronnie (40:04)
• “Oh God, he was such an asshole.” — Ben, summing up Eric (40:10)

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Segment Timestamps for Key Sections

• Show Proper Starts: 01:50
• Meet Eric & Chelsea / Grand Rapids Antics: 02:16–06:19
• Wish List Section: 07:53–14:50
• Mike Usendorp Intro: 16:04–18:02
• House #1 Tour and Evaluation: 18:34–26:53
• House #2/Community Pool: 27:15–32:18
• House #3/Decision: 33:26–38:45
• Final Thoughts and Thanks: 40:04–40:39

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Summary Tone and Final Thoughts

Ben and Ronnie deliver their classic blend of affectionate mockery, Bravo-level shade, and true-real-estate snark. From Eric’s unfortunate hair and intransigence to Chelsea’s resigned go-with-the-flow attitude, plus the “ustendorpy” real estate agent, the episode becomes a comedic showcase of how minor preferences and personality quirks collide in the home-buying process. Throughout, the hosts maintain their camaraderie and bite, inviting listeners to both laugh at and relate to the universal—and often ridiculous—struggles of finding a first home.

Final Word: If you enjoy playful banter, house-hunting foibles, and bold recaps, this episode is a “fun watch” — even if, like Ben and Ronnie, you’d have advised the couple on some very different paint choices.

Transcript

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[C]

Ding dong. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. A watch what crappens podcast about House Hunters. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

[B]

Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good.

[C]

Today's episode is House Hunter Season 6, Episode 8, Young Buyers Hit Brick Wall. This one's a little more difficult to find. We ended up renting this off of Apple TV because we got a good suggestion for it. So if you're looking for it, that's where we found it. Just search. Young buyers hit brick wall. So we start with some intro music followed by Linda and she's like, Eric is a tough sell. And then we meet Eric and he's like, I would describe myself as a type A personality. You know what I describe you at? As a person with a faux honk. You are too old for that, sir.

[B]

Yeah, you're a type dull personality. I looked up this episode. It was filmed in 2012, but based on the way it looked both in terms of their personal style and the houses, it looked like it was filmed in 2003. So, sir, come on with personality.

[C]

Okay, you get a strong nay from me.

[B]

Yeah. I say this as someone who did have a faux hawk. I had a faux hawk. I was there. I did it. I took part of it. I. And it was a bad one. I tried. I tried it. You look up old photos of me that had a weird thing going on. Didn't really work out. But even by 2012, I'm pretty sure I had stopped with the faux hawk. Come on, come on, come on, man.

[C]

Well, I get. I get off easy because I'm bald. You know, I have a shaved head, so I get. I can make fun of guys. Hairstyles in any year because I don't have them. I'm just bald.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, well, that's fair. So we are. We're in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and we're seeing stuff that's gonna be showing up on the episode. We see Eric and Chelsea. Chelsea is his. Is his wife, I think. And they are, I guess. Are we in the show? Are we in the trailer right now? Actually, I got a little confused just now, I think.

[C]

I don't know. We see them sitting on the show.

[B]

We're in the show properly.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

And she's telling. Chelsea is telling the camel. She's like, hi. Are you gonna spit at me? So they're riding a camel, and then we see them at an aquarium tank. And they're. They're into zoos because they have a stingray there as well, which is really weird. It's like an all inclusive zoo. They've got a lot going on in Grand Rapids, I'll tell you that.

[B]

Does Grand Rapids have a famous zoo situation going on? It was not what I was expecting.

[C]

Yeah. I always think. And it's like a. A zoo where you can do everything. There's stingrays, there's camels, a lot.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's kind of like the all you can eat buffet of zoos. Well, maybe it's not nice to bring up buffets when you talk about animals, but it's fine. So Chelsea is like, I'm Chelsea, and this is my husband Eric, and I am a customer service representative. Excuse me, house hunters. Do you mind that this conversation is being recorded for quality assurance? Okay, let's go on with the episode.

[C]

She's like, yeah, my name's Chelsea. Para espanol Prima. All those.

[B]

Okay. Thank you so much for being a Comcast customer. How may I help you today?

[C]

And I'm a civil engineer. I grew up in Grand Rapids, and it's where all my family is and all of my friends. And he's like, I want to, you know, I want to go to that new place. It's got outdoor seat, and that's kind of bold in Grand Rapids. She's like, it sure is. We're going to sit outside. This is crazy.

[B]

That was the funniest thing. Hey, did you hear? A place opened up with outdoor seating. I want to go check out that outdoor seating place.

[C]

Never seen anything like that. Why am I going to pay someone to give me a picnic? I could do that for free.

[B]

Oh, my God. What an innovator. All this time, I thought chairs had to be inside, but now there's one with outdoor seating is crazy.

[C]

What's next? Indoor camels?

[B]

So, so basically, Chelsea was like, well, there's always something to do here in Grand Rapids. It's a really cool city. You can go see the camel or the stingray or the outdoor seating. It's. It never ends.

[C]

Here you can stand on a bridge. That's a big thing in house hunters lately are bridges. People are like, wow, where's the bridge?

[B]

Yeah, they love that. So then we see pictures of them. We see them in college and, you know, basically their whole, like, young Eric and Chelsea. And so Eric is like, well, we met at a New Year's Eve party and went to school 500 miles away. So, you know, the long distance was really hard. And she's like, yeah, it didn't work out so well. We broke up. It was the best three months of my life.

[C]

Yeah. But then I went to Cambodia, and I taught English to little 3 and 4 and 5 year olds, and that was kind of fun. But, you know, that had to end. So here I am back with Eric, and he's like, yeah, I was always trying to get. Get her back online, and five months later, we were married. And she's like, yeah, you know, it's called settling. So.

[B]

Never should have made that sex tape with him. God, blackmail is a real. Huh? It's like, yeah, so we're ready to move because this apartment's just too small for us. You know, like, after seeing the dream of outdoor seden, we realize we don't have to be confined by four little walls.

[C]

And she's like, yeah, it's just time for a new house because our friends are all buying houses, so. So that's what you do. Your friends do it. You do it. They settle. You settle. They buy a house. You buy a house. They try eating outside. You try eating outside. I mean, before you know it, you're all covered in mosquito bites together. At least you're not alone.

[B]

You know, Julie Morganstern, she marries a guy with a faux hawk. So I marry a guy with a faux hawk. It's just what you do. You go with the flow. That's why it's called Grand Rapids, not Grand Sit Stills.

[C]

Not called Grand Slowly's. Okay. So Eric's like, I like older types of houses with wood floors, you know, tile floors, stuff like that. And so we see wish list him older house.

[B]

As as opposed to the chic modern houses that we see in this house in this episode. So yeah, Eric would also like a house with a brick front. And we see the house with bricks just in case.

[C]

But when we imagine front houses, what they would like they said people without faux hawks. So we're really already in a conundrum here.

[B]

I'm also. I'm more into a newer house, even though a lot of things on Eric's wish list are in an older house. So we'll see how that goes. Do you mind if I put you on hold for one moment while I just check with my manager? Okay.

[C]

So wish list her two stories. Well, I'm more interested in two stories because I grew up in a two story house. So, you know, I'm just used to doing what you're used to. You know, the hence Eric trick.

[B]

She's really bucking the trend because normally it's the guy. Yeah, he's. He wants to recreate his childhood. But she also wants to recreate her childhood, which is, you know, you know, when you've been raised in a two story house, you know, you want to live in a two story house the rest of your life. What's the point of being raised if you can't actually be raised from the ground, you know?

[C]

Yeah. I'm no movie star, so those are the only stairs I'm gonna get.

[B]

Plus, they're an easy way to easy thing to push Eric down. And Eric goes, yeah, so you're used to it, you know, you're used to stairs, you know. You're not a big fan of change, huh?

[C]

I was like, whoa, I married you, didn't I?

[B]

I don't know who's the one who's afraid of change when you're the one with the faux hawk six years after it was popular. But that's okay.

[C]

No kidding, Ross hair. So Eric is like, well, you're concerned with some of the details, like crown molding. Huh? And he's like, yeah. And like arch doorways. Yeah, arch doorways. Love arch doorways.

[B]

You know, I need something that's gonna get up in this household.

[C]

So it's mostly just for Eric's hairstyle to get through.

[B]

I just really have a dream of going to St. Louis. Well, someday. And if I can't get there, I need to see it represented in my doorways. Arches.

[C]

You know, I just like an arch, because no matter how bad things get with Eric, I can just always remember, at least there's a McDonald's somewhere.

[B]

You know what I like about an arch doorway is it says, you could have just been a regular doorway, but you aspire to be something bigger and taller and greater. And so it may not be happening in my life, but at least it can happen with these doors.

[C]

No matter how bad things get, there's something that's always frowning more than me.

[B]

We also have not talked about Chelsea's aggressive side. Bang. That she does. Just swooping across her forehead. She's like, I like to hide myself as much as possible when I'm around Eric. I don't want people to see that it's actually me. So I put my bag.

[C]

It's not the privacy thing.

[B]

I don't want to be in a situation.

[C]

I just tilt my head a certain way. Boom, I'm gone.

[B]

Oh, God, I love crown moldings. Anyway, so Eric says, you know, okay, I'm more concerned about living spaces. God, I love that store. What a great jingle. But also, when I grew up, we always had two different living spaces. One was a formal living area, and one was an informal living area where you watch tv. So here he is now, projecting his strange childhood. Childhood patterns onto the future home, which is that he needs to have two living spaces.

[C]

Yeah. And so he. We see a house with a formal and informal living room set up. And he's like, I like dark wood, dark hardwood floors, dark hardwood cabinets, things like that. And we see wish list, dark wood. So then we see another place. And she's like, yeah, I like more blonde and light wood. So, you know, we're real. We're really in a pickle.

[B]

I have to say. Not a lot of ambition between these two.

[C]

Normally, it's like we've seen of what they like, because this one's showing us, like, what they like, as they say it. And they're both tacky as hell. So I don't ever. It's already hard for me to care for this couple. Basic. You're basic.

[B]

So she's like. And make sure it has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. So her wish list is three bedrooms and two bathrooms. I guess they're gonna have a kid someday. He goes okay.

[C]

And Eric said, well, I can compromise on that. I could just have one full bathroom. Not a huge deal to me. Excuse you. I don't want to poop where my guests poop. That's it. I need my own pooper. And frankly, you need your own pooper, too. So you need at least two bedrooms. Just with one couple, if you're me.

[B]

Yeah. Well, he also wants a backyard for the dog. So Eric is like, yeah, I want a yard where I can actually have a dog. You know, being married is great and all, but I still need another companion, you know, someone who kind of gets me other than this. Dumb, dumb.

[C]

Yeah, I'd like one, too. Preferably one that when I'm sick of him, I can cover him with some sausage on his face, and the dog will just eat it off. I'm sorry. Was I using my outside voice? Doberman, do those work? Something feral and big.

[B]

I think that getting a dog would be good practice for raising kids. All right? So if you're gonna diss me and say that you want a dog, too, because I'm not good enough, then guess what? I'm gonna force you to have kids.

[C]

And also, at least the kids will have their own place to poop, just like the dogs. The backyard. Okay? We're getting three bathrooms. That's it. So he's like, I don't think. I don't. I don't think dogs and. And kids correlate at all. We'll eventually have kids. And she goes, okay, I want a pool, too.

[B]

But the kids could drown in it. Well, I don't want the kids to drown, but if you drown, that's okay. Okay, so Chelsea says, you know, there's not a huge reason to have a pool in Grand Rapids because there are allegedly rapids around here somewhere. But you know what? The seasons go by so quickly, but I just want one because I know it's gonna piss off Eric.

[C]

He's like, hey, we're not gonna use that. And then I'm gonna be stuck cleaning it. She goes, I'll clean it.

[B]

Anything to get out of the house with you, okay?

[C]

Because she says that about a lot of things, so.

[B]

And it turns out a real issue.

[C]

He does all the. I'm sorry.

[B]

What I was gonna say. Well, it turns out they have a real issue about cleanliness. Because of the laundry?

[C]

Yeah, because he does all the laundry. So she's like, eric hates how I do laundry because I do not separate colors. Like, I don't believe in that. So he insists on separating colors, and boom, you Got to do the laundry. Sorry if I do it. Your jeans are going in with your whites.

[B]

So he wants a laundry room, preferably on the first floor because he's lazy. And then we see Chelsea has now taken cookies out of the oven and they have all kind of like spread into each other. So she's made her cookies incorrectly, or at least spaced them incorrectly. So. Good for you, Chelsea. Well, you know, I'm. I'm more go with the flow than Eric is, as previously established, as evidenced by the fact that I went back and married him because I had nothing else to do with my life. So, you know, I came back from Cambodia, married him. Very go with the flow.

[C]

He's like, yeah, I go crazy just with everything. You know, I really go crazy. You know, the way I separate my laundry, etc. And so she left a sad cookie, and he's like, ooh, that's not perfect. Gross. Can't wait to marry a dog.

[B]

Wow. Thanks for melting all your butter before you made your cookies. They spread out and became floppy in the pan. Way to go, huh? And you're gonna clean the pool? I don't think so.

[C]

So their budget is $145,000. How crazy is that? Oh, my God.

[B]

I don't even understand.

[C]

Is that true? I'm moving Grand Rapids.

[B]

I mean, part of it.

[C]

Prices are still real, Ben.

[B]

I don't think so. I mean, part of it. This was 13 years ago. The economy was different. It's also in a more. It's not Grand Rapids is not rural, it's the city. But like, it's, you know, it's a different part of the country. Like where LA. Everything is like $10 million just to like, you know, find a three by three, you know, plot of land to put a tree into. So, you know, I don't know, but wow, $145,000 as a budget to get a house that could potentially be two stories. That's insane right now.

[C]

That's insane right now.

[B]

Madison Linda says, well, they've asked their real estate agent, Mike Houston, ustendorp, for help. And by the way, if you've ever met, if you've ever wondered what someone named Mike Usendorf would look like, it's this guy. This guy is the most ustendorpy Mike you've ever met in your life.

[C]

There's no more ustendorpy person than this guy. Okay? Grand Rapids, Michigan. You can still get a house for 175 grand. Well, get out 200 or 300 for nice ones. Wow.

[B]

I'm moving out.

[C]

I'm getting the hell out of here. What the hell am I doing? 349,000. Gorgeous home with all original wood floors. I'm out of here. Bye. Oh my God. Look at this. Craftsman for six. This is like living big. Let's see what this one is. Four bed, three and a half bath, two 2200 square feet. Gorge. Oh my God. When I could know in ustendorp. I'm out of here.

[B]

Can I tell you something? I just looked up Mike Lucendorp on Zillow and he has the most adorable picture and he has a little bio. He says, I have over 40 years of experience in west Michigan real estate market and I've routinely been a top producer. I have managed, trained and mentored many agents during my career while maintaining consistently high levels of personal production. And I am the proud father of two beautiful daughters. And let me tell you about my grandchildren. I'm active in my church and a strong believer in and supporter of Christian education. As a long term resident owner of multiple properties in West Michigan, I know the market and I also know Jesus. So contact me with your real estate deeds. And let me tell you again about my grandchildren. Gosh, they're great. So wonderful.

[C]

You're gonna fit right in.

[B]

He is, he is just a. Oh, he's a beauty.

[C]

And the last place he sold was 180 grand. Okay. Let me tell you, the guy's not making a ton in commission, but he sure has a hottie.

[B]

Well, he hasn't sold anything in a year. He's only sold 65 things on Zillow. Well, that's good. Like, I don't know. How many, how many, how many houses does a real estate agent sell in a year?

[C]

Your, your name is Mike Houston Dork. Mike. Well, maybe Mike driving. And he's like, well, the first time buyer is something I'm familiar with. You know, part of the problem is expectation. These guys think their dollar is going to go a lot further and they think they can get all their wants in one house at an afford. It's just not realistic. Here's what's realistic. Poop on a platter. $10. That's what you get. You want to give me a couple hundred? All right, I'll get you something more.

[B]

So we go to house number one. It's a Cape Cod house built in 1946. And Mike's like, okay guys, so we've got a Cape Cod style house. It's three bedrooms, a bath and a half, 1500 square feet. And they're asking for about 114, 900. $114,000? Are you kidding?

[C]

It's crazy. And it's a cute house. It's pretty nice.

[B]

Cute.

[C]

And Chelsea's like, oh, my gosh. I think it's adorable on the outside. And Eric's like, oh, I don't know. Three bedrooms looks a bit small to me.

[B]

It's $114,000. Eric, so calm your faux hawk. He's like, well, actually there's. Mike says there's actually a nice addition on the back. It's kind of a fooler from the street because it looks like it's one story on the street, but it's story dish in the back. We call this a house mullet. You'll really enjoy it.

[C]

One thing I noticed, though, is that the siding is vinyl. It's not brick. You know, I'm a brick man. And Mike goes, actually, that's aluminum, Eric. You know, don't dis. What, you drink your diet soda, Zada.

[B]

You know what's funny, Eric? One thing that I notice is that your hair is stupid and not cool.

[C]

Why don't you. Why don't you just go bully a diet pop?

[B]

So they go inside and Chelsea is like, oh, this is very nice. Sorry, I'm just going with the flow because I know you're supposed to say that when you walk into a house and they walk through this and there's hardwood. Hardwood floors, and there's coved ceilings, which is like those curvy ceilings, I think, where it's like curves. It's like. You don't have corners. You have.

[C]

I don't know that I would consider these cove ceilings. But, I mean, I guess they fit a very. I guess they could fit that. So then they see the second living space, which is all what they want. It's a Denver, you know. And Mike's like, notice the built ins back here. That's a nice feature. That means that they built it in there so you can't move those. Those are built ins. But that's actually quite fancy. Okay.

[B]

And Erica's like, well, it's dark hardwood. And, you know, I like the dark. And our note taker, Chandler says, side note. Is he okay?

[C]

It's really dead centered.

[B]

He's not. Our cabinets. He's like, obsessed with, like, dark wood. So they go in the kitchen, and Chelsea is like, oh, look, it's. It's real tile, Eric. Which apparently is something you also are obsessed with that you didn't mention at the top of the episode. And no he did.

[C]

He said real Tylen would. Yeah, that's another one of his things where he's like, real time. Oh, wow. It's real tile. It is like 50 cents a square foot tile from Lowe's. Girl, I've seen it. That's the stuff you. You get if you're doing, like, the cheapest flip in the world. It's the shittiest tile ever. He goes, oh. Oh, my God. It's real tile and dark wood. Oh, my God, this is it. And Chelsea's like, this house is too old for me. I want to see something newer, but let's keep looking. So they look at a bedroom, and it's kind of hideous. It's like, I think a kid's room. And Mike's like, I guess it could be an office.

[B]

You know, Mike is like, you know what? It's like what you probably have to tell to your friends when they see Eric's faux hawk. Just try to look past the decorating and you'll see the real thing in there. And, you know it's good. She goes. And then Eric is like, well, they go bedroom two. And Eric thinks it's workable. And then they go to the top floor, which is where the. The primary bedroom is. And it's got slanted ceilings because it's a Cape Cod. So it's like, you know, the. There's diagonals going on. Eric's like, what's the deal with the ceiling? I'm like, are you really upset right now? You literally shaped your hair to fit this room. Okay, Be happy with it.

[C]

It's funny. It is like that. But, yeah, it's where the. There's no attic or anything. So the roof goes all the way. I mean, the ceiling goes all the way to the roof. And so it makes those slants. And we. A million. We've seen it a million times on these shows. So he goes, what's the deal with the ceiling? And Mike goes, excuse me. Let. Let us restoop. Get in here for a second. Now, listen, this is a Cape Cod style, Eric. The roof line is the ceiling line in this style of house, okay? You don't like it? Too bad. What are you gonna go complain about there being a Jessica Fletcher and a Cabot Cove? Shut up. Just take it.

[B]

Take it to the Marines. So Chelsea, very quietly, is like. It's fun for me. This is the first sign of. Of sweet Mike Usendorp cracking. Because over the course of the episode, Mike gets more and more frustrated with Eric because Eric is like a full fledged. So Mike is like, okay, but the, you know, the. And also, by the way, okay, cheery, sweet. Usendorp is back. The upside is that there is a half bath up here. But they. They don't like it. Well, Eric doesn't like it because of the. Because of the ceilings.

[C]

And Eric goes, yeah, I mean, it's crazy. And here's what I mean. I hate it. Mike's like, oh, well, it kind of took me a little off guard when we went upstairs. I mean, in my mind, he almost stare at. I don't want to curse. Overreacted to it.

[B]

I mean, I'm the father of two daughters. And let me tell you about my granddaughters. Am I right? I mean, you're gonna say those sort of words, like overreact to me. I don't know. It's a bit harsh. Yeah, that's a lot.

[C]

That's a lot. He's a lot.

[B]

You know, Eric, in this price range, this style of house, this is a big bonus having these slanted ceilings. This is what a lot of people really like this. And Eric's like, no, I don't like it. You can't fit my. Look, look, they put a mirror here. You can't even put the mirror on the wall because the wall is slanted. So you just have to rest it on here. I don't like it. I'm like, it's a hundred and fourteen thousand dollars. You better learn to like it, because this is a steel.

[C]

You can't even get a cardboard box out here for that much. So he's like, well, Chelsea doesn't seem to care that there's not a lot of room in that master suite or whatever you want to call it. You know what? Here's my review. Hated it.

[B]

Also, every single person who's ever met you, same review. So they go down to the basement, and Mike is like, well, guys, guess what? I know you want two living spaces. Here's a third one. It's in the basement. And Charles, he's like, that's awesome. Am I supposed to say that it's awesome? And Eric's like, know what? To be honest, we've already got two really nice living spaces, so this would just be an added bonus. I'm angry about that.

[C]

Yeah, I'm very angry about the extras. And then they entered the laundry area of the basement, which is really nice. And he goes, well, it kind of stinks that the laundry is downstairs. That means I'm going to be hauling everything up and down. I don't like spending too much time in an unfinished basement. And Chelsea goes, well, a little hard work could be good for you, which is so funny. But that's not an unfinished basement, first of all. And second of all, that's your man cave. You could be doing your laundry. You could be playing video games. You could have your own whole life down there. You're crazy. I think any. Any husband who saddled with the laundry duty would love to have a full man cave basement with also their laundry rooms.

[B]

Yeah, and if the basement is not finished enough for you, then finish it. You're $40,000 under budget, so stop complaining. It's, like, not the end of the world to take your laundry basket down an extra set of stairs.

[C]

Yeah, you're a big dope. So now he's like, well, I don't know why Chelsea has to be such a pee in the butt about the whole laundry situation. I don't know why she has to even have an opinion. She's not the one doing that.

[B]

Well, you're the one who is insisting on doing it, so don't, like, erase her out of the situation. I'm sure she would do it if given the chance. So then Mike's like, okay, well, guess what. Here's a deck in a backyard. And Chelsea is like, wow, that's a lot of space for dogs or kids. Eric's like, no, no kids.

[C]

Yeah. So then he's like, well, there's good things about the house. I mean, it's in our budget. And Chelsea's like, yeah, I love those arch doorways, the COVID ceilings. They're so unique. They're so classy. And there was this whole slope ceiling things, which he had a hard time with, but, you know, he could get used to it. Come on. See, he hit your head a little bit.

[B]

Big deal.

[C]

It's not like it can make you any dumber.

[B]

He's like, I don't know if I could get used to it. Sloped ceilings. Oh, gosh. She's like, but I think you're making it into a bigger deal than it is. He's like, maybe, but probably not. She's like, well, I would like to see if we could find something with a pool. Can we find something with a pool? And by the way, we never find anything with a pool this entire episode.

[C]

They don't have places with a pool in Grand Rapids. I mean, what the hell? And Mike's like, well, we could take a look and see what's out there. She and Linda's like, now that they're looking at newer, more spacious homes, With a pool. Let's go look at house number two with new construction. All right, now, Eric, I'm gonna have to have you have an open mind about the house, okay?

[B]

It was built merely in 1976. That's too new for me. So now we are now the. Now the group. They are at a restaurant, and Eric and Chelsea are sitting at a table and they're sharing a plate. And Linda says Chelsea and Eric have $150,000 to spend on their first house. And Eric wants perfection for money. LOL. He wants perfection, but is only willing to spend $150,000 for it. We'll just see how that works out for him.

[C]

I like to describe myself as a type A personality. And when I get hooked on something, it's all I can think about.

[B]

Well, he clearly did not get hooked on hairstyles.

[C]

Yeah. So. So today, the house number two, new construction. And he's like, make Mr. Oops or hopsters. Listen, I would like to see some brick sighting. That's what I asked for. And Mike goes, well, I think you're gonna really like it. It's got a neighborhood association. Everybody loves an hoa, Right? And it's got a community pool.

[B]

Oh, yeah. But, hey, if I can't. If I can't have my own pool, a community pool would be great. I'm agreeable. So we go into house number two. Was this the house where Eric got mad that there wasn't enough brick on the outside, or was that house number three? I can't remember.

[C]

I think it was this one.

[B]

Okay. Because there's, like a little bit of. There's like. There's. There's like a panel of brick. And he was, like, really upset. So, Chelsea.

[C]

Honestly.

[B]

Yeah. Chelsea goes, well, I do notice that there's no crown moldings or arch doorways in this house. But since this is kind of the house I've been looking for, I don't think I'm gonna bring it to anyone's attention. Ha ha. To be fair.

[C]

When it doesn't have anything that you want.

[B]

I know.

[C]

So they go into the kitchen, and Eric is like, oh, my God, is this a laminate on the floor? What am I supposed to do with the laminate? That's not real wood. It looks kind of cheap.

[B]

Suddenly this guy who's wearing a Van Heusen shirt is concerned about looking cheap. Okay, so Mike is like, well, Eric, let me. Let me drop some ustendorp knowledge on you. In a newer house like this, you're probably not going to get that hardwood. We find that in older houses. So, you know, think about that. And yeah, Chelsea is happy because the cabinets are lighter, they're blonde, and. But Eric's like, I want dark cabinets and dark wood. I can't deal with this. Yeah.

[C]

And she's like, well, you know, this is the kitchen. And he's like, well, you don't have a whole lot of working space in here. She goes, yeah, but I never really have you in the kitchen either, so whatever. It's a one woman kitchen. What are you gonna do? And he's like, that's true. I'm down there separating colors from whites.

[B]

And Mike is like, okay, well, I think you're really gonna like the deck in the backyard. So we go out and there's like this big. There's like a big sort of sprawling lawn because it's kind of like a communal lawn almost. And then talk about the homeowners association. That and the HOA like, takes care of like. Like, you know, public shared spaces and everything. And they go back inside, they go into the half bath, and there is laundry in the bathroom. And this is a no go for Eric.

[C]

I think laundry in the bathroom is a no go for me as well. It's not Europe.

[B]

I'm. I'm okay. I think if it's like, beggars can't be choosers. Like, I think if. If the whole house is, like, works and then there's the laundry happens to be in one of the bathrooms, then that's just. That's. That's an okay sacrifice for me. Like, obviously a separate laundry room or basement would be better, but I can deal. I can deal with it being in the bathroom.

[C]

So he's like, well, I don't know if I. The bathroom with the laundry. I don't know. I don't like that. Well, Eric's the one that does laundry, so I guess he. He also poops the most, So, I mean, I guess it's up to him. So now they go upstairs and they see the main bathroom, and it's a dated bathroom. And Eric's like, well, one thing I notice is fake tile again. Gosh. And Chelsea goes, you sure are picky, aren't ya? Geez, I wish I had been more pickier.

[B]

Oh, God, I'm just gonna hide under my bangs right now. I'm so embarrassed. And Mike is like, well, you know, a little ustendorp coming through here. Just, you know, want you to know tiles can be added. That's something Eric could do if he decided not to be A lazy bum anymore.

[C]

Yeah. And he goes, oh, gosh, so sorry. I got lost. So then Eric's like, well, I tile, and I like the looks of real tile more. She goes, oh, you want to up our budget then, big boy? You going to work another job? Huh? Huh?

[B]

Huh?

[C]

I'm sorry. Please hold. Hey, is that a wig head? Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just turned. I just turned my head a little bit. I'm back. Oh, okay. Good to see your face there again, Chelsea. You had me scared.

[B]

So they go into a bedroom, and it's narrow. It's like a little spare bedroom. And she's like, oh, it's a little spare bedroom up here. He goes, little is an understatement. Okay, relaxer. She wasn't saying, oh, yeah, Well, I.

[C]

Think you're maybe a little dramatic. So.

[B]

And then I go in the guest room. It's nice size. And she's like, it's a nursery maybe. Because, God, I can't imagine not bringing a child into this world with you as the dad. God, wouldn't it. Wouldn't it be great to pass along your great personality to a little baby? He's like, no.

[C]

So then we see the basement. And it's not huge, but I think it's a pretty nice basement. And Chelsea's like, well, it's just a bunch of guys down there anyway, you know, as long as there's ventilation so I don't have to smell their feet, it's just a little room at the boardroom, conference table, you know, and their shuffleboard. Come on, who cares?

[B]

You know? Just a bunch of guys, you know? So basically, Eric doesn't like that there's no brick or hardwood floors, which, by the way, you can put in later. And. But he did. He liked the. The primary. So then they. They like it. And now we go to shots at Grand Rapids in a furniture store. And Linda says Grand Rapids couple Chelsea and Eric are at a furniture store scouting furniture that they'll probably never buy because he's too cheap. And since they're hoping to upgrade from their rental apartment to a spacious single family home with a budget of $150,000 and room for a faux hawk.

[C]

Oh, my gosh, I can't wait to decorate our future home. Papa's on chairs, here we come. Well, to try and please Eric, Mike has found an older, less expensive home. It's also got Chelsea's two stories. Oh, my God. Just how I grew up. So we go to house number three.

[B]

And this is the one. And this is the One that has, like, a patch of brick on it. And Eric is complaining. He's like, is this really the best you could do, Mike? I mean, look, we got brick house over here, brick house over here, brick house everywhere. But this is the one house that doesn't have as much brick. Come on, Mike. It's like. Yeah. It's also $124,000. What are you expecting?

[C]

Yeah. And this is one of the first agents we've ever seen show people so many properties so far under their budget, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And Eric. Yeah, Eric's a. So then he's like, so. Okay, Eric, I know you want Albrecht, but I'm worried about the financial ramifications of your decision. That's it, buddy. Gotta be truthful with you.

[B]

Okay, sorry. Sorry to curse so much, but I just had to say it. So then we go inside, and there's, like, a brick fireplace. There's these very drab green walls. And Chelsea's like, I don't know how I feel about the red brick here. And he's like, actually, I don't really mind that red brick, mainly because I have terrible taste and want strange, strange finishes on everything.

[C]

Yeah. But, you know, I'm still not happy about the brick on the outside. Oh, you know what? Just take what you can get. Eric. He's like, hey, why are you repeating your wedding vows here?

[B]

So then there's, like, stains in the carpet, which is. They don't like. And Mike is like, you know, if I were you, I would just lose the carpet altogether. You know, that's what I always say to my girlfriends about Eric. That I just wish I could just lose them all together. Dare to dream.

[C]

So then they go to the dining room, and it has white crown molding and a cove ceiling, and Chelsea likes it. And then they look at the kitchen, and my Eric's like, wait a minute. What's the deal, though, Mike? How does it go from hardwood to laminate? Get serious about it.

[B]

He's like, oh, I was hoping you wouldn't notice that. He's like, of course I noticed that. I can always tell when we go from hardwood to laminate. Laminate. That's a deal breaker I can't buy. I can't live in a house that has both hardwood and laminate. Oh, geez.

[C]

This would actually be the easier thing to change, I think, because it's just one floor, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So then they go to the kitchen. Oh, we're still in the kitchen. She's like, you've got hardwood floors in the first Two rooms. You don't even come in here that often. I mean, come on. It's like, you know, I was always looking for that dark wood, but the white's actually not that bad. It's not that bad.

[B]

Mike goes, boy, this Eric is a tough nut. He's a tough. He's tough to please, this one. I sorry, sorry. I got a little out of control there. I apologize to the audience who had to watch me lose my temper like that.

[C]

Really went postal on that one. So then they go look at a little half bath, and she's like, I don't know how I feel about a bathroom in the kitchen, especially when I'm stuck with a stinker in there already, you know what I mean?

[B]

They go to the backyard, and that's small. And Chelsea's like, well, we need to mow this one. I'm like, yeah, that's a yard.

[C]

You'll mow it.

[B]

It'll be fine. I don't know. The grass is too tall in this yard. I don't know if we could buy this house. It's a little too much. And Erica's like, it's big enough for a dog. She goes, yeah, it's just a bummer that there's no pool. We could have had our fabulous pool that would have been open for two weeks in. In our Michigan summer.

[C]

Yeah, not a lot of places to swim in Michigan, huh? So then they go see the bathroom, and there's. It' like the old 60s style bathroom where there's pink tiles everywhere. And he's like, oh, my gosh, it's original. Real tile. I love it.

[B]

Ugly as. But it's real tile, so that's all that matters. So then we go to some other bedrooms, and there's one bedroom that has a balcony. So Chelsea's like, this could be our. This could be our bedroom because we could have a. We could have a balcony. And he's like, there's no way that you're gonna get a king sized bed into this room. Stupid wife. God, you're so dumb.

[C]

Yeah. Then they see the basement, and this one's finished with carpeting, and they both like it, and there's laundry there, which he doesn't. About which is nice. Oh, wait. Sorry. He's like, the only thing I don't like about it is the laundry room.

[B]

Down in the basement, of course. But this time it's a finished. It's a finished basement. So you can do laundry in a finished basement instead of an unfinished basement. So Chelsea just goes picky.

[C]

Eric Sorry, that's just me.

[B]

Sorry to speak up. Like, that wasn't very good. The flow of me. So Eric is like, but now is the time to be picky, isn't it? It's like, I wish. I wish someone had told that to Chelsea when she married you.

[C]

Yeah. So now they're talking about what they're gonna do. House number one is older and it has dark hardwood floors, but Chelsea wanted potential for a pool. And then house number two is new construction. And he didn't like that there was no brick involved, but she liked the blood kitchen in.

[B]

But house number three, God, it has so many of the features we've been looking for. You know what let's do? Let's get that colonial. And you know what? Let's make sure we paint all the walls a hideous shade of yellow.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, let's do it. Let's do it.

[C]

And they even got a discount. It was 124.9. And they got it for 122, which is pretty good. And she's like, oh, gosh. We couldn't. We couldn't move in because we had to reno the multi color tile bathroom. But watch me make an iceberg lettuce salad palette.

[B]

Look. We had these walls that were kind of this crazy green, so we just. We made it just a pale yellow because isn't that nice? A pale yellow. Room after room just pale yellow. God, it's so nice.

[C]

Yeah. And it didn't have much curb appeal, so we painted the shutters puke green. So, like, what are you doing? You're making the house look worse. What are you guys doing?

[B]

I think they chose the right house ultimately. But I do have to say, I think that first house, while it was small and yes, those ceilings in the. In the primary bedroom would have been annoying. I actually thought that first house was charming and would have been a good option.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I think they made the right choice too, but I just love that they're gonna it up. I mean, it's so ugly that everything they're choosing to do to it is completely wrong. And you know what? I love that for them.

[B]

Like, what is that shade of yellow that they use? It's sort of like a butter. Is like a butter yellow. Like, it's like that milky yellow.

[C]

I don't.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

The taste level wasn't as high on this one, but it was still a fun watch. That guy's a little butthead, that's for sure.

[B]

Oh, God, he was such an asshole. Thank you to to Ildy for recommending the episode. Or Ildiko I should say. And if you have a suggestion for a Dwell hello episode, let us know. Email [e-mail]. please put in your sub Dwell hello suggestion and be sure to yeah, send us. Send us an episode you think would be really fun for us to recap.

[C]

All right everybody, we sure love you. We'll talk to you next time. Bye bye.

[A]

What does it mean to live a rich life? It means brave first leaps, tearful goodbyes, and everything in between. With over 100 years experience navigating the ups and downs of the market and of life, your Edward Jones Financial advisor will be there to help you move ahead with confidence. Because with all you've done to find your rich, we'll do all we can to help you keep enjoying it. Edward Jones Member, SIPC.

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[D]

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