Dwell Hello #511: Quirky in Queensland

Summary

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Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #511: Quirky in Queensland

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: May 22, 2025
Episode Theme:
In this episode of "Dwell Hello," Ben and Ronnie recap a House Hunters: International episode titled “Quirky in Queensland.” The focus is on an American couple – Chris and Ash – relocating from New Jersey and New Orleans to Queensland, Australia. The hosts dissect the couple’s self-professed “quirky” dynamic, their unusual collections (plane safety cards and novelty mugs), and their search for a new home, all while providing their signature snarky humor and commentary.

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Main Points & Discussion Breakdown

1. Meet the "Quirky" Couple: Chris and Ash

• Chris: Collects plane safety cards, obsessed with aviation, recently took a job at a Queensland hospital.
• Ash: Collects mugs, proud of her “quirkiness” (sunflower dress, mug obsession), does not drive, formerly worked at a Hallmark store.
• Both try “extremely hard to be weird,” which rubs the hosts the wrong way.
• Ronnie: “You know where they call you quirky? They call you quirky at the host stand of the claim jumper. Okay? You know what they mean? You’re fucking obnoxious.” (01:16)

2. Hosts' Deep Dive into Collections

• Ronnie derides Chris’s safety card collection, suggesting he’s endangering other passengers.
• Both hosts find Ash’s mug collection mundane and irritating.
  • Ben: “The mug thing actually annoys me more than the safety card thing. Because at least the safety card thing is unique. But a lot of people collect mugs.” (03:12)
• Ronnie shares his own Golden Girls Sophia mug saga; Ben notes we all have too many mugs, but only use a few: “You acquire all these mugs, but the truth is you’re not really... in a rotation with them.” (05:37)

3. Apologies to the World: Americans Abroad

• Ronnie laments how Americans like Chris and Ash remind him of why Americans must apologize abroad.
  • Ronnie: “As Americans, we’re doing a lot of apologizing these days to people in other countries. And I just want to extend that again.” (06:26)
• Snarking on Ash's “quirkiness” and her alleged impact on the local reputation: “Australians have started just walking into the ocean and never coming back out.” (07:26)

4. Real Estate Agent Olivia & Mackay’s “Sugar Capital” Lie

• Olivia: The bubbly real estate agent, mocked for her “princess dress” and unusual inflection.
• The hosts gleefully debunk Olivia’s claim that Mackay is the “sugar capital of the world.”
  • Ben (after Googling): “The sugar capital world has historically been associated with Cuba, but this title now more accurately is given to Brazil and India.” (13:10)
  • Ronnie: “Keeping punitive M&Ms in your fucking glove compartment doesn't make you the sugar capital of the world, okay? It makes you a food addict.” (13:19)

5. The Home Search: Three Strikes…

House 1: The “Beach Hut” (17:30–22:59)

• Pros: Right across from the ocean, within budget.
• Cons: Unfurnished, small, ugly, poorly constructed, remote from shops and hospital, Ash worries about drive and walkability.
  • Ronnie: “This is not a cute house. Can I just say, not cute. Ugly. It looks like prison.” (21:05)
  • Ash laments mug storage.
  • Hosts annoyed that even within her stated budget, Ash complains about cost.

House 2: The “Inner City 90s Pad” (25:51–29:33)

• Pros: Close to the hospital, walkable to downtown, comes furnished, ample mug storage/kitchen.
• Cons: One bedroom, “ugly” 90s décor (Sunflower-wear Ash still calls the yellow couch tacky), no ocean view.
  • Ben: “Collecting mugs is very 90s, if you ask me.” (27:53)
  • Ronnie: “You can't say you're quirky without having a space that reminds you of, like, I don't know, Sheryl Crowe.” (29:34)

House 3: Modern Farmhouse with an Ocean View (32:16–34:55)

• Pros: Modern, spacious, ocean view, ideal for Ash; “the one to take” per Ben.
• Cons: Remote — would require a second car and be a 30-minute drive to Chris’s hospital job.

6. Quirk Overload: Driving Down under & Couple Dynamics

• Ash’s inability and unwillingness to drive is dramatized for (and by) the hosts, who find her antics performative and grating.
  • “It’s like the quirky ass driving scene. She’s like, Oh my God. Oh my God, I can't do it.” (23:29)
• Their dynamic: Chris as the mellow/bored listener, Ash a constant talker, quirkiness as a performative trait.
  • Chris: “One of our big differences is that I like to talk. And he's like, and I don't. Well, it's more like I don't really get a chance to." (24:32)

7. Notable Quotes & Recurring Bits

• Ronnie: “If I was a realtor and someone said ‘I’m looking for a kitchen that will fit my mug collection,’ I would quit my fucking job right then and there.” (03:40)
• Ben: “Why do I feel like she [Olivia] walks down the street with an oversized lollipop and like, ‘Welcome to the sugar capital of the world.’” (13:36)
• Commentary on Ash’s beach obsession:
  • “Does the beach love you? Can we take a poll?” (35:40)
  • “If you’re someone who trips very easily, maybe walking along the ocean, the coast, is not the best thing to do.” (30:00)

8. Decision & Epilogue

• Elimination: The hut is too small/ugly/far; the farmhouse too far for work/needs a second car.
• Choice: They (predictably) pick the inner city, 90s pad—despite all complaints—because it’s furnished, affordable, and walkable.
  • Ash follows through with her couch “sheet” scheme; hosts deride it as “tacky as hell.” (36:23)
• Coda: They have a new dog (Rolo), and their oddness/host-driven judgments persist. Visiting friends are bewildered by their choice.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:16 — Riffing on "quirky" people & defining the episode's dynamic
• 03:12 — Mug/safety card collection debate & family anecdotes begin
• 06:26 — “Apologies to the world” for Americans abroad
• 13:10 — Sugar capital debunked and roasted
• 17:30–22:59 — Beach Hut viewing and breakdown
• 25:51–29:33 — The “inner city 90s” house viewing
• 32:16–34:55 — Farmhouse (modern) viewing and “this is the one” sentiment
• 36:23 — Epilogue: Which house they choose & verdict on the couple's taste

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Tone & Noteworthy Moments

• Sarcastic, exasperated, and hyperbolic — the hosts take a mile from every inch of “quirk.”
• Ongoing mockery of Ash’s mug obsession, her “quirky” identity, and Chris’s aviation fixations.
• Numerous meta-observations on the House Hunters format, the performativity of “quirky” TV couples, and the emotional toll of enduring this episode.
  • Ronnie: “I usually don't hate the people on House Hunters… But this one, I was like, oh, no, you guys need to stop. You need to kill Ash. Kill Ash.” (38:03)

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Summary Takeaway

Ben and Ronnie, in top Crappens form, eviscerate the earnest but try-hard couple of this House Hunters: International, poking fun at both the couple’s “quirky” self-branding and the show’s tired tropes. The house hunt is really a backdrop for the hosts’ comedic takedowns, detours on mug culture and American expats, and a deeper existential fatigue wrought by “quirky” as a personality type. If you delight in Bravo snark and reality realness, this is a classic episode for the “terrible House Hunters couples” hall of fame.

Transcript

[A]

Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong ding ding ding ding ding dong. Hello. Well, hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben.

[B]

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going?

[A]

Good, good. Just getting ready to do a little dwell. Hello today, everybody. Today's episode is season 174, episode 7, Quirky in Queensland. It was submitted by Brenda. Thank you, Brenda. So good episode. Let me tell you. One of the most obnoxious ones we've watched, the couple on here. I was very triggered by this couple. Wow.

[B]

This was a lot. I was like, okay, okay, okay. Oh, God, there she is. They're still going. This is. These are. These are. These are some tough people to watch.

[A]

Yeah. So here we go. It's called Quirky in Queensland. And we begin with some zany intro music. And the buyer, Chris, who is in a little beachy area, and he's like, we're quirky. Yeah, you are. You're fucking obnoxious. Okay. You know where they call you quirky? They call you quirky at the host stand of the claim jumper. Okay? You know what they mean? You're fucking obnoxious. Who's taking this table? We're picking straws.

[B]

Yeah. He's like, we're weird, too. And then. Then we cut to Chris and his wife Ash, who's like, you know those safety cards you get on a plane? He collect them. I was like, like, okay, that is weird. That is. That is a weird collection to have.

[A]

That's too hard to be weird. And you know what? How many people have died after being on planes that this jackass has been on when someone. The. The air pressure goes down and they didn't know to put the thing on themselves before their child or when someone started choking and no one knew how to unchoke the person because you stoked. You stole the goddamn safety card.

[B]

And how often are those? Like. Like how much variety is between the safety cards? Like, how often do they update those? I don't. I don't know if I get that collection. Like, it was one thing if you collected the cocktail napkins and, like, you could see the logos change over the years. But the safety cards, I don't know. I do feel like there is a responsibility to leave them for people on the next flight because they do technically need them, so.

[A]

But they're one of those couples that tries to be, like, unique and fun and quirky by, like, collecting plain plastic, plain safety cars. And then she collects mugs. It's crazy, you guys. Like, I need mugs. And she's wearing A sunflower. She's wearing a sunflower dress this whole episode. And I'm like, girl, sunflowers would face away from you, you know what I mean? Why would you pick a flower that would turn their head from you when you walk in? And guess what? I'm on the sunflower side.

[B]

Yeah. I think that the mugs thing actually annoys me more than the safety card thing. Because at least the safety card thing is unique. But like a lot of people collect mugs. I mean, Bronwyn's husband collects mugs on Salt Lake City. But like, I think where the mug thing really annoyed me is like, you can collect your mugs, but if you're moving to like a new nation and you don't have a lot of room, if you're going to prioritize this frickin mug collection, which is like not such a wholly unique idea, I'm going to be upset with you. And guess what?

[A]

If I was a realtor and someone said, I'm looking for a kitchen that will fit my mug collection, I would quit my fucking job right then and there. I don't care what my weight is, I will go on the OnlyFans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's it. I'm not doing this shit anymore. I've taken enough. Okay, that would be the line.

[B]

The last episode we did, we watched a lady want to simultaneously move into a tiny home while also carve out space for a Jadeite collection. And that was, that was kind of pushed me to the, to the edge. But this one, a mug collection, I don't know, I just.

[A]

But at least it was like unique Jadeite. Yeah. You know, there was something, there was something legit unique that she had to make an effort for. This lady's like. But like sometimes like I'm in like the Marshalls and there's like a mug that's shaped like a Corgi and I'm like, gotta have that. So where am I gonna put that?

[B]

You don't have to have it because when you buy that corgi mug that tells the, that tells the manufacturer there's a demand for the corgi mug. I'm gonna make more of them and it's gonna clutter up more Marshalls. Okay, don't do that. Do not contribute to this problem here. And look, I mean, I sort of like, I guess you could say I, I don't collect mugs, but they, they collect in my kitchen. Like over the years, you sort of people give you mugs, you find mugs. And so like my, you know, and I like them all. They're all fun, they're cute, and they're.

[A]

In my shelves too.

[B]

But, like, the moment that I have to move and it's like, I have to make some sacrifices, those mugs are gonna get pared down and I will.

[A]

Have no problem out of there.

[B]

They're out of there.

[A]

I got one mug that's shaped like Sophia from the Golden Girls. It's like Sophia's face and it's so cute. I love that. I got it for my niece, gave it to me, actually. I got it for like Christmas or something. And it's so cute. And I have her prominently sitting there. And then people are like, oh, my God, you like Sophia. I'm gonna get you all of the Golden Girls mugs. No, no, it doesn't mean I need all of them. Like, I don't need five queens sitting in my house drinking from Golden Girls heads. You know what I mean? It's Sophia. It's not the mug. It's that. It's Sophia. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. And what the funny part is, I have all these mugs, but I really only reach for like two or three. It's always the same two or three because you find your favorites and like. Well, this is my mug. I've got my. I've got a certain big mug for big occasions. I've got little mugs for cute little beverage, like hot beverage moments. Then I got the standard mug that's kind of like the everyday mug. Not that I even use a mug every day, but like, you get. You acquire all these mugs, but the truth is you're not really. You're not in a rotation with them because the thing is, they all sit on a shelf and then they're stacked. And so if you really want to. If you really want to rotate your mug through, you have to sort of move things around to get to mugs in the back they haven't touched in a while. And who wants to do that? Go for the one that's closest to you.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't believe people. You. I mean, look, I believe you. I'm not calling you a liar, but I think in general, people just use a mug. They don't have 20 mugs. They have their mug that they use.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, this person sucks.

[A]

There's our mug stance. This girl. Look what this girl did to this show. You know what I mean? Look what did to our show. She brought. Yeah, she brought us to this discussion. She hope so. We. We see screen on Screen photos of them, and they're, like, in their hometown in New Jersey, and then they're in different parts of the world and Paris and Asia. And I'm just. I feel like, as Americans, we're doing a lot of apologizing these days to people in other countries. And I just want to extend that again. It's been since, I think this morning, since I've done it. So Asia.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Paris. I'm sorry.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Don't. We're not all Ashley. We're not all Ash. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, we're not. So Linda chimes, chimes in and says, chris and Ashley have been traversing the globe while Chris pursues his medical degree and Ash pursues novelty mugs. So. Wow. Two interesting trajectories. Their travels have led these two New Jersey natives to Australia and have led Australians to go anywhere else.

[A]

Coincidentally or not coincidentally. Who knows? Australians have started just walking into the ocean and never coming back out.

[B]

So they sit down with their real estate agent, Olivia, who's wearing. Is that a princess dress? Is that what you would call that? Is that a princess dress?

[A]

Okay. Olivia's getting on my nerves, too. Bless this girl. She's dressed like she's gonna go to an Easter egg hunt. I don't know what the fuck she's wearing, okay? And she has a way of talking like this. And it's not the accent, it's the she. She's emphasizing the middle word of every sentence, and it's killing me. She's like, what brings you guys to Mackay, to Mackay?

[B]

I believe it's McKee. McKee.

[A]

Mackay.

[B]

Mackay. Mackay. MacKay.

[A]

MacKay.

[B]

Coken. It's Makai MacKay from here on out, as we're Americans and we get to decide how things go, it's gonna be called mackay.

[A]

We already apologized to other countries, but we are still Americans, so we will tell you how your things are pronounced.

[B]

Yes, that's right. Makai mackay. Pfeiffer. So Chris is like, well, I just got a job at the hospital here, and, like, I absolutely wanna be close to the hospital. And then we see Olivia, Chris and Ash pulling up to a listing and looking at the beach across the street. And there's also, like, this listing's in the beach, et cetera. And we just read them. Cause I think we're actually still in the opening credits. So opening cred happen. And now we're in Makai, and they're. Chris and Ash are holding the hands while they walk down the sidewalk terrorizing the good people of this. This cute little city with their American sites. And Ash is like, wait, oh my God. Okay, we have to like, park. We have to park on an angle. I am not gonna park on an angle. I'm not gonna reverse and park on an angle. No way. I'm weird, but not that weird.

[A]

That's crazy. Like, driving here is so crazy because, like, you have to go back space. It's like a crazy and I'm not gonna do it. She has uptalk and then the other girl has like middle of the sentence emphasis.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Together they're rage inducing.

[B]

So also, she's clearly never been to Congress street in Austin where everyone parks like this. Like backwards and at an angle.

[A]

Which is admittedly weird. It is. It is not easy to get used to. But you know what I tell myself? If you can pull out, you. If you can back out, you can back in. What's the difference?

[B]

Yeah, it's like, you know, I once tried to do it and I said, you know what? Just pretend you're in Mackay, Australia. And it worked.

[A]

No. So Chris tells us their love story. They met 12 years ago in a college in small town, New Jersey, and we spent our marriage exploring the world. And I have to say, they were much hotter when they met each other. Both of them.

[B]

Yeah. That usually happens, though. Yeah. Because once. Because, you know, that's the thing with relationships. Once you actually get into a relationship, you can be like, okay, don't have to go to the gym as much. People nests. So Chris, he's like, yeah, I met her in a small town in New Jersey, and we spent our marriage exploring the world. And we see them and she's like, it's been fun, but we really want to settle down and finally get a dog. Oh, God, poor dog.

[A]

No, I love dogs. I feel so bad for the dog. So they stand outside the hospital and she's like, oh, my God, what a hospital. Am I right, Chris? What a gorgeous hospital. This is crazy. I wonder how many people hurt themselves backing into spaces at the hospital.

[B]

Do you think they've got a mug in the gift shop? So then they're talking to us and Chris is like, well, my first time in Queensland was about 10 years ago. And there was just something about the weather and the vibe that enthralled me. I just knew that next time I came here, I had to bring Ash. And as soon as she hit the ground, she was hooked because there was a kitchen supply store with several mugs right out the side of the airport.

[A]

And she was like, I love the sunshine. I love the beaches. It was pure bliss. And Happiness Because I'm quirky. I like sun.

[B]

Yeah. All of her interests are actually relatively normal. I. I love being by the ocean. I'm so quirky.

[A]

I know. And he's like, yeah. And that's when I knew Queensland is for us. And I got a wonderful offer from the hospital here. It said, please, as long as you keep your wife quiet, you can have a job. So they were in New Orleans when Chris got the offer from the McKay Hospital. And Ash is like, you know, I didn't want to leave New Orleans, but people kept accusing me of robbing them of musicality.

[B]

So. So then Olivia is like, Mackay is about nine hours north of Brisbane, and with a population of 123, 000, we are named the sugar capital of the world, which is funny because I would not think that Mackay, Australia was a sugar cat. We just call ourselves that even though we don't manufacture sugar. Sugar. We just like to use sugar in a lot of our dishes.

[A]

Is it the sugar capital of the world? I don't know.

[B]

Sugar capital of the world. I'm gonna type in.

[A]

And do you automatically get to start referring to Mai as the diabetes capital of the world since you're the sugar capital of the world?

[B]

I assumed it would be tasteless. Yeah, I just figured it was, like, in the. In the.

[A]

In.

[B]

In, like, Brazil or in the Caribbean or something like that. And in fact, I typed in sugar capital the world. The sugar capital World has historically been associated with Cuba, but this title now more accurately is given to Brazil and India.

[A]

Wow. Not even third place. Not even third place.

[B]

Who is telling the lie to the people of mackay that they are the sugar capital of the world?

[A]

Olivia. Olivia. Keeping punitive M and Ms. In your fucking glove compartment doesn't make you the sugar capital of the world, okay? It makes you a food addict. Hi. This. I'm with you. I'm riding with you next time. By the way, Olivia's always got some fucking candy in her purse. Okay, I'm with Olivia.

[B]

Based on her, like, princess dress, which I'm not even sure if that's what it's called, but based on that princess dress and her declaration is the sugar capital of the world, I. Why do I feel like she, like, walks down the street with an oversized lollipop and, like, welcome to the sugar capital of the world.

[A]

She does look like a little girl. And do you know who she is? And, I mean, it helps that her name is this, too, but Olivia from Real Housewives in New Jersey, the kid, she looks just like I'm gonna.

[B]

Mother.

[A]

I'm gonna move to the sugar capital.

[B]

Of the world, Makai, Australia.

[A]

So she's like, oh, my God, Mackay's amazing sugar capital. I mean, it's quiet, there's lots of beaches, local and national parks. You walk to a pub with all your mates on a Friday, and then you walk home and everyone's at your house till three in the morning. That's just normal. That's how we do it here.

[B]

Everyone's. Everyone's out till three in the morning because it's the sugar capital of the world and we have a lot of.

[A]

Energy to work through snorting sugar booger sugar.

[B]

Sash is like, I did leave my job in New Orleans working at a Hallmark store. So ideally, I'm now looking to work remotely from home. And, Yeah, I know. Oh, look. Look at this one. He. Chris just saw a dog and got distracted. This is my life. He sees dogs all the time. Am I right?

[A]

Yeah. He's like, I love dogs. Oh, my God, you're so quirky. Look at that dog. It's off the leash. I can't tell if he's mad about that or if he's excited to have a dog off the leash in Queensland. I think he's mad, Chris.

[B]

I think he's mad a little bit. I think he's like, that's not right. You can't have a dog off a leash in the sugar capital of the world.

[A]

I'm calling the sugar police. So Linda is like, the thing that really sold Ashley on McKay is that it's on the coast. And she's like, I just have this weird fear of living really far from the water. I need to be by the water.

[B]

I have a fear that I won't be killed by a tsunami, so I really need to be on the ocean. So. So they go. Now we're. Now they're sitting down with Olivia at a cafe to go over the wish list. And Ash is like, I really want to be near a beach. And I know I'd have to, like, drive to some places, but I prefer not because I don't know how to drive. And for the sake of our marriage, two bathrooms and all, because, you know, he takes a lot of dumps. And also, I love to cook, so I really love a big kitchen. I also want, like, a lot of cupboard space, so. Because, you know, I have a lot of, like, mugs, so.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, mugs. A huge personality. And by personality, I mean mugs. He's like, so many mugs. So we see her wish list near the beach, walkable to shops, two bathrooms, big kitchen, water, water everywhere.

[B]

He's like, and I'd love to be close to the hospital because I'll work odd hours sometimes and I have to save people's lives. So if I could get there without being sleep deprived, that'd be great. And I'd love, you know, two to three bedrooms, set up a home office, you know, a fenced in yard, because we want to get a dog soon. So really, his only thing is he. He just wants to be close to the hospital, which.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's fair. And. Yeah. And their budget is seventeen hundred dollars a month. So she's like, right, Chris, that's all we're spending, right? And he's like, oh, yeah, sure. And then Olivia tells us, oh, wow. Ash with the pants. Big time, big time, scary woman. Very scary woman.

[B]

They're not really pants. They're just like mugs that I drilled holes into and stick my legs through. So anyway.

[A]

Unfortunately, they're different sizes, so I tend to walk on the T leg more.

[B]

So now we. Olivia hones in on Ash's foremost demands, which are plenty and annoying. So we now go to. They're. They're doing that thing where they're driving in separate cars and Ash is yelling into the phone. She's like, okay, now you're talking, Olivia. I see ocean. I love this. So they're. This. This first house number one is 15 minutes from the hospital, but it's in a suburb that's a bit remote from downtown. Mackay. Yeah.

[A]

So we see the roadside, and the beach is on a road, and you see the beach across. And so Olivia goes, look, it's on the beach. And Ashley's like, you weren't kidding, Olivia. This is by the beach. I can see the beach. We know Ash. A. Ash is that person who moves, like, to California and wants to be right next to a Disneyland. Like, that's not actually a good place to live, you know what I just mean, like, right across the street from a Disneyland, you know? Yeah.

[B]

And Chris is like. And she's like, this is amazing. She's like, that's why I got your house on the beach. And he's like, well, which one is it? It's that hot over there. She literally says, it's a hut.

[A]

Usually on this show, they try to make things sound good, like brown shutters and big dreams. That's what we'll call house number one. This one's like the hut.

[B]

It's a hot.

[A]

We were. We just can't curse on tv. Originally we were going to call it the Hole, but it's a hunt.

[B]

It comes with one toilet and three goats. Please enjoy.

[A]

So they are not into it so far. Chris. Ash is like, oh, are there any shops walkable? Because you guys drive funny here and I can't drive funny. So, like, I want like walkable shops.

[B]

So. Well, there's a convenience store about five minutes away, but your main supermarkets are about a five minute drive. Basically nothing's nearby. And she's like, okay, well I would have to drive. And that's scary. So they go in and they look at this, this hut, which is small and not walkable, but it is in. It's okay. It's at seventeen hundred dollars. So it's on budget. But then of course Ash does that thing where she's like, seventeen hundred dollars, that's expensive. Well then why is it in your budget? I hate when people do that. When they put like, here's my budget. And then there's a price at the top end of the budget. And then they're like, that's really too expensive. Expensive. Well then you didn't do your budget right, I'm sorry.

[A]

Yeah, that's like at the top end of my budget. So. And so they go into the kitchen. She's like, I don't know if this kitchen is big enough to store my mugs. I love mugs. I've got so many mugs. I've got different beverages that require different size mugs. Like maybe I want a big cup of cough or, you know, big cup of coffee or a big cup of tea or maybe, you know, like a little mug thing for my green tea. Or if I'm in a shop and I see a mug in the shape of a corgi, I'm like, I have to have the corgi mug. That corgi wants to go home with you as much as a real one does. They're gonna beg to be staying in the shelter. The corgi mug is gonna be like, please just put me down. I can't.

[B]

So Ash is like, so this home isn't furnished, nurse. It's gonna be at your costs, unfortunately. Have you ever thought about maybe selling your mugs? Of course not. That only bring you in about 10 quid. So there's no fridge, there's no microwave. So now they're worried that this is going to add up to be a lot because they're already at the high end of their budget.

[A]

That is kind of annoying in a rental, like, give me your fridge.

[B]

I know that's a very L. A thing. People don't know this, but in la, almost all the rentals do not come with a fridge.

[A]

Yeah, you have to go call your own company to get a fridge. So annoying. So now they check out the primary bed. This is not a cute house. Can I just say, not cute. Ugly. It looks like prison. It's like prison carpeting. It's tiny, blocky rooms. Horrible, horrible place. Hate it.

[B]

Hate it. Terrible. So. So then Olivia's like, well, I think that Chris is just trying to keep Ash happy. And then they're like. They're just looking around and. And there's, like, this weird room that's, like, a little lower. So there's a staircase. But the staircase is. Looks like it was kind of cobble, cobbled together. And like, they kind of, like, put cement over it or whatever. It's like this roundish, like, mounds of rounded cement stairs.

[A]

I don't know. Yeah, they were cement. It looks like that plastic. Yeah, it looks like plastic steps. It's not cute.

[B]

It doesn't look like it's.

[A]

And she's like, I can't come down steps. I'm a little what we call clumsy. I'm just quirky. I'm, like, quirkily clumsy. Like, I fall in quirky ways.

[B]

Yeah. And they have, like, some secret, like, past episode with stairs that she fell down because they keep on saying, like, well, it's like, the last time. We know what happened last time I fell down a staircase. He's like, yeah, I remember that.

[A]

Like, what? He's like, I'm concerned with the stairs, considering how graceful you are. It's like, well, okay, well, I may have tripped two days ago walking on flat ground. So it wasn't the stairs. Why are you blaming stairs?

[B]

No, exactly. That means all these houses are ineligible for you.

[A]

Yeah. So now they look at the patio and there's more steps. So Olivia's like, water your step. Watch it. She's like, oh, my God, thank you. That was, like, such a quirk warning. Thank you so much.

[B]

So she loves that this is close to the water and within their price range, but the additional cost of appliances and furniture, that's a problem. And he's like, yeah, and it's also, like, 30 minutes from my job, so don't love that. So now we go to a car, and now Ash is behind the wheel, and she's gonna try driving like a real Aussie, which means driving on the opposite end of the road and on the opposite end of the car, too. And so she's like very, very nervous. And she just keeps going, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[A]

So annoying. It's like the quirky ass driving scene. She's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't do it. Oh, my God. Are we doing it? Are we doing it? Am I pressing the gas? I'm on the right side of the. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You drive down. You drive. I went down the wrong road. That is cra. That. I went down like a non quirky road. That was so quirky of me. You drive, honey.

[B]

He's like, well, since Ash will be the one home most today, it's important for her to learn to get around in the car if need be. And then we see her basically like drive. Drive through an intersection and she just drives off to a different road because she's like too afraid to actually turn their car.

[A]

Yeah. And so she's like having her fakey freak out thing. I've never prayed more for a drunken semi driver, which is totally rude. I'm sorry. I take it back. So then he's like, you know, Ash doesn't leave the house, so, you know, when she does, she gotta walk somewhere. So then he's like, yeah, you know, she has been the breadwinner these past few years while I've still been a student. So, you know, that's been something. So I guess I have to work. Yeah.

[B]

And I think that, like, one of our big differences is that I. I like to talk. And he's like, and I don't. Well, it's more like I don't really get a chance to. Yeah. Which is another reason why I want a dog. So I could just, like, talk to the dog and tell him about my day. That'd be so funny. I'll just, like, talk to all these dogs. Some poor dog. Some poor dog being brought into this situation. I feel bad for it already.

[A]

Yeah. So then, okay, we do more wacky driving stuff. It's crazy. So now we're going to a different suburb. And this is South Mackay Mai. South Mai. And it's very popular. A lot of people in the medical field want to live here because it's minutes from the hospital.

[B]

She's like, but we came to Makai for the ocean and, like, we could have lived in the suburbs anywhere. I'm like, he has a job at hospital with long hours. Let him live. Like, like, I know you want to go to the beach. You can get to the beach. Take an Uber. It's easy.

[A]

Oh, my God. Olivia. We can't see the beach. We can't see it, Olivia. Well, you can't see the beach, but it's about a 15 minute walk and we're still very close to the airport as well. And he's like, oh my God, I could sit out here and watch planes land. Of course this guy thinks that that's a positive. Having planes fly right over your goddamn house. Of course, Chris loves it because he's thinking of all the little safety cards he could steal from all those planes. I know.

[B]

He just sits there and staring at planes. By the way, it's a 15 minute walk to the beach. That is a luxury to have a 15 minute walk to the beach. That's like nothing, especially if you don't even have a job yet. This is great. I'm sorry you can't see it outside your window, but being able to walk 15 minutes to the beach is.

[A]

Well, 15 minutes is short for most people, but 15 minutes could turn into 40. The amount that Ash trips.

[B]

Tripping hazard. Oh, God. In Australia you have to trip on the wrong side of the road. You have to be careful.

[A]

So he's like, oh, I'm obsessed with aviation. And look, there's a helicopter over there. It's flying over. Let me look there. Not a medical. Not a medical. Okay. Probably just a harbor pilot. I'm gonna go with harbor pilot. So you don't know. You don't know, Chris, Why are you pretending you.

[B]

It's a burn.

[A]

You don't know. You don't know. Queensland copters. Shut up.

[B]

So they get to house number two, which is an inner city house. It's close to the hospital, it's also close to shops. And it's 15 minutes to the beach, only one bedroom. And it's also $1400. I already knew they were going to take this because based on watching her drive, there's no way she's going to take any house that will voluntarily, like voluntarily take a house that will force her to have to drive on these streets. So this is the one that's walkable to downtown. And so she's basically saying like the house is furnished, it's very close by, but again, she can't see the ocean. So that's a big con for her.

[A]

Yeah, and it's a big white interior. It's got these big, huge like tile floors, like funkily shaped tile floors. And it's ugly. Like beige, ugly couches, ugly kitchen. Very ugly. The whole thing is ugly. And so Ash is like, oh, I mean, this is giving me massive 90 vibes. You are giving me massive 90s. Like, since. Listen, I think this place is hideous too, but who are you to say that?

[B]

Ash.

[A]

I don't feel like Ash is an arbiter of taste. I'm not listening to her.

[B]

She's. She's talking about how this house has massive 90s nostalgia. I mean, look at your. Look at your hobby. Like, collecting mugs like you're in the central perk. Okay? Collecting mugs is very 90s, if you ask me.

[A]

She's giving very 90s quirk. Her whole thing. Like sunflower, drastically.

[B]

Also, she is the one who claims that she wants a big kitchen because she likes to cook. And this is the one that actually has a big kitchen. And it's like. It's like, yes, it looks like it's from the 90s, but it's definitely a big, functional kitchen. That's like, if it's a starter home, like, totally, totally worthwhile space for doing all those kind of things. And then Olivia's like, lots of spice for your mugs. And it comes with a microwave and a fridge. So this is it. And so they're both saying it's not another bedroom.

[A]

Yeah, they don't like it, but there's another bedroom that she can use as an office. And this has a bright yellow couch, which is perfectly nice. It's like one of those half sectional things. And she's like, I like it, but I think I'll cover it. It's actually a decent couch. I like that yellow couch.

[B]

So suddenly your quirk does not extend to a yellow couch. Okay, Real, real quirky over there. Hello. Like, yellow couches are for quirky people. They're designed for you.

[A]

Yeah, sunflower wear. It's like the color of your sunflower. You don't like it? Now get the fuck out of here. Shh. Yeah, so she's like, yeah, you know what? It's kind of tacky, so I might throw a sheet on it. Oh, that's way less tacky, covering your fucking couch in a sheet.

[B]

Yeah, seriously. So they go outside. The yard's nice. It's big. It's good for a dog and everything. And, you know, it's close to the hospital, so Chris likes that, but she's like, I don't know. It's just too much 90s flavor. Okay, new century, let's do it.

[A]

You can't be.

[B]

You can't say you're quirky without having a space that reminds you of, like, I don't know, Sheryl Crowe or something like that. Like, lean into it.

[A]

Come on, you first. You know what I mean? New century, let's do it. You first, ma'. Am. So she's like, but you know, I do like that it's walkable to shops because I'm nervous about driving because that's what quirky people are. But I really want an ocean view. I need the ocean. I need that.

[B]

By the way, if you're someone who trips very easily, maybe walking along the ocean, the coast is not the best thing to do. So now it's 3:45 in the morning and Ash and Chris walk out to the beach with flashlights because there's a whole bunch of cute kangaroos hopping around out there.

[A]

Which I'm like, punch them. Punch. Like yelling at the kangaroos. Come on, we've got something for you to punch over here.

[B]

She's like, chris and I met in college and like, to me it was love at first sight. Because he's like a good listener, which is good because I like to talk. And he stares at airplanes while I talk. And he's like, yeah, I just was so happy to have a woman who was sort of interested in me once I expressed that I love stealing safety cards and staring at airplanes in the sky.

[A]

It's harder to keep him around than you'd think. So he's like, yeah. We went to a small restaurant on our first date and she proceeded to leave her bag there. So then guess what? The next day I had to go pick it up. And so I wanted to just keep going after a bag for the rest of my life. So we stayed together like she did last night. Left a bag in a place.

[B]

Jesus, this is so quirky. Oh, being forgetful, Having to make new keys, cancel all the credit cards. God, the quirk, it's off the charts.

[A]

The quirkiness is off the charts. So he's like, well, you know, our kids are gonna have an Aussie accent. She goes, oh my God. But they better say coffee with the Jersey accent. They can be Aussie if they want, but they have to say, say coffee.

[B]

He's like, coffee, water.

[A]

Hahaha.

[B]

Linda's like, these people are terrible. But they eventually married and decided to stop traveling. Which proves that every, every pot has a lid and every mug has some coffee to go in it. That was for you, Ash. So they can.

[A]

We've been coming out with new flavors of House Hunters to keep people entertained. So this is the couple. We're going to start a new version of House Hunters called House Hunters. You're too annoying to rent to we put them in a house and we murder them.

[B]

So they go to house number three and it's far away and there's cows. Like, where are we going? There's cows, lots of cows. She's like, I'm concerned by how far we're going because we would need a second car and I'd be all the way. I'd be away from Chris longer during the day.

[A]

Like, oh, my God, there's cows here. Why are there cows? Why? Why are there cows? Because you're in the country.

[B]

I feel like if you're quirky, you should be happy to see cows are.

[A]

Like a lady collecting coffee mugs. It doesn't want to be by cows.

[B]

Yeah, you got it, you got it. Don't you have like. You have to have at least one cow shaped mug, right?

[A]

Yeah. Go out there and squeeze it into your coffee. They literally make part of your coffee drink.

[B]

She's like, I mean, this is a bit of country living here. I don't see any shops coming in here. I'm like, they all ran away. The shops all uprooted, saw you coming and moved to a different part of Australia.

[A]

They saw you tripping down the street and closed.

[B]

And by the way, Olivia, you know what else I don't see out here? Sugar cane. Okay. Sugarcane. Yeah.

[A]

Olivia. Fucking liar. Olivia, by the way, taking little Snickers mini out of her purse. All right. It's about 30 minute drive from the hospital. She's like, oh, my God. This is like a little country living. So she'll see the beach is about a five minute drive. Drive. Oh, my God. What, are you trying to kill me?

[B]

Yeah, this one actually has an ocean view and it is close to shops, but it is very far from the hospital. And there's no.

[A]

This one's gorgeous, actually. This one's amazing. This was like a modern farmhouse. It's huge hardwood floors, huge sliding glass door doors that look out onto the ocean. I mean, this one is nice considering everything else.

[B]

This was the one. This is the one to take. Okay. They go in and one room after the next is nice. There's a man cave. There's ship lap around, if I remember correctly.

[A]

Maybe not, I don't know, opening things, which, you know, it's not everybody's taste, but the fact is it's like tastefully newly done.

[B]

And you can see the cows from the window. Like, I love that. I would love to look at cows from my window.

[A]

Yeah, me too. But I mean, I've done it. They're great. I've had that view.

[B]

So you just have the caviar. Ash is saying that she could really see herself in a house with her puppy, and they'll. You know. But the whole time, though, he would have to be on a. You know, he'd be commuting. And would it be worth it?

[A]

Who would.

[B]

Like, who wouldn't do that for this house? So they are just going around the next room, and Chris is like, I think Ash has moved in. And in her head, we're walking through the house. It's the style she wants. It's the space she wants. But I want a quick commute.

[A]

I don't get planes flying right over the house here. It's gonna be a problem, you know? And so then Ashley is. They love the outside table that comes with it, you know, It's a great house.

[B]

It's a great house.

[A]

So now they have to decide what they're gonna get. The beach hut, the inner city house, or the modern new home. First they let the cows vote, and they said, X. They're like, don't let them move in here.

[B]

The cow said, we're joining with the kangaroos. We've formed a committee, and we're banning you from the sugar capital of the world.

[A]

So she wanted to be close to the water. I don't know if you guys have heard. So she's like, if you can't see the water, it's not a good house. I will not live in a house where you get. Right, Chris. Right.

[B]

Literally, if she talks about the water, because, you know, she doesn't even swim right. Look how pale she is. There's no. You cannot tell me. This is someone who spends a lot of time by the water, and yet she's insisting on it so much.

[A]

She's one of those people that's like, I love the beach. Does the beach love you? Can we take a poll? Yeah.

[B]

So she's like, I'm just envisioning my future. And I'm, like, really hoping our dog will wake me up at the crack of dawn and say, good morning, Mommy. It's time for a day. Chris is like, we're getting divorced.

[A]

He's like, well, she supported me from med school, so the least I could do was move her out here before I dumped her.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think I want my dog to wake me up at the crack of dawn, Although I know that's what dogs do, but I don't want that. So basically, they're looking at these things. I think the first one they eliminate was the hut, because they're like, yeah, it's just too small. It's too crappy. It's also too far from everything.

[A]

Yeah. And the farm is too far. So they're gonna choose the middle one, the one she called the 90s ugly one. So we see them move into this. This other one. It's like three months later, and we see them moving into the kind of shitty one. And they do have a dog now. And she has put a sheet on the couch, and it looks tacky as hell. It's the ugliest sheet. And it's like a fitted sheet that she only put on the top pillows, so it looks. Oh, my God, these people are so tacky. Why are you putting these people on the show?

[B]

I know.

[A]

I want a classier one.

[B]

And then they do have a cute dog named Rolo now. And then, like, two hospital friends come over who are like, wow, we thought we were going to Starbucks. Why are we here in this terrible little 90s house? Like, quirky. Welcome to our quirky palace.

[A]

Those are the planes. Aren't they great? Like, damn, that shook the house. I love it. Love every second of it. By the way. Here's what to do in case you start choking on a plane. Take a card.

[B]

Yeah. So it all works out. They got the. Of course they went for the middle house because there just was no way she was going to be driving anywhere. She's going to walk as much as she possibly can, and, you know, it's a fairly decent option. I mean, the one that was farther away was much nicer, but they were not going to be able to afford a second car.

[A]

And she's. Yeah, I get not wanting to drive half an hour. That is kind of a pain in the ass. But, yeah, I mean, you know, horrible, horrible, annoying people.

[B]

So they took it out of us, huh? I feel like we just went to war.

[A]

Exhausted.

[B]

Just even, like, just accessing our memories of them were like, oh, man. Really took away our.

[A]

Really hated those people. I hated them. I usually don't hate the people on House Hunters. Like, even if they're weird or quirky, I'm like, oh, this is fun. It's still a House Hunters. But this one, I was like, oh, no, you guys need to stop. You need to kill Ash. Kill Ash.

[B]

Yeah. And I normally secretly like our nerdy people on the show. I'll make fun of them, but I'll be like, but they're nerds. And I'm happy that they found each other, but in this case, I'm just like, no, I just can't.

[A]

But they're not trying so hard to be nerds. It's weird when you see people who are like, oh, my God, are we quirky? That's when it gets a little cloying, you know, they're trying to be. But for what? Like, who are you trying to be quirky for? It's just weird. I don't. I don't get their target audience, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I don't either. But anyway.

[A]

All right, well, anyway. Two people that we will never talk about again. Or me. But that was fun times. Thanks, everybody, for being here. Part of Wondery plus Folsom Dwell. Hello. We'll be back in a couple of weeks, as usual, and we love you guys. We'll talk to you soon.

[B]

Bye.