Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #512: "Forget Paris, We’re Buying in Bordeaux"

Episode Date: June 6, 2025
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Podcast Theme: House Hunters International Recap – Two New Yorkers settle for Bordeaux over Paris

Episode Overview

Ben and Ronnie dish out their signature blend of snark and affection as they recap a House Hunters International episode ("Forget Paris, We're Buying in Bordeaux") featuring a couple ditching dreams of Paris for the (allegedly) more affordable Bordeaux. With plenty of riffing on the House Hunters formula, American expat quirks, bathroom layouts, and the couple’s “settler” energy, Ben and Ronnie keep it light, sarcastic, and fun, all while delivering sharp observations about cross-cultural moves and TV house-hunting tropes.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Choosing Bordeaux Over Paris: “Settling” in Style

• Immediate Snark: From the jump, the hosts roast the episode title and the couple’s motivations:
  • “We want to live in Paris, but we’re cheap. We’re going to Bordeaux. Hideous. Bordeaux. Do not go to Bordeaux. Where's the home goods in Bordeaux? Nowhere.” (Ronnie, 03:14)
• Reading the Couple: Ben and Ronnie describe Bob and Julie as “settlers” – not totally in love with either Bordeaux or each other.
  • “I feel like they both lightly hate each other… You’re settling.” (Ronnie, 03:38)
• On Meeting via Apps: Extended riff on “meeting via apps,” puns about food apps and church apps, and how “normal” online coupling has become.
  • “We both were living in New York City at the time and just happened to come across each other on the apps… Settle dot com. It was great, great decision.” (Ben, 08:26)
  • “I could do better, but why bother dot com.” (Ronnie, 08:44)

2. French Realtor Adrienne: House Hunters Legend

• Adrienne’s introduction (iconic berets, tough love for American buyers, past House Hunters appearances):
  • “She is a repeat realtor on House Hunters International... comes on with a beret and big glasses.” (Ben, 05:50)
• Previous Clients’ Callbacks: Jokes about Adrienne’s previous efforts to accommodate “bear gay guys,” cabaret singers, and the eternal struggle with French bathrooms and petite showers:
  • “Every place they looked at, the shower stall was too small for him. He’s like, I’m a big bear.” (Ben, 06:59)

3. Bob’s Job and the AI Annoyance Spiral

• Bob’s Job: Revealed as Director of AI Operations for an international retailer, leading to extended complaints about AI chatbots.
  • “Oh, hell no. You know, I backed up my chair and was like, Bob, you are going to get so much shit for this online.” (Ronnie, 09:45)
  • Pitches about frustrating customer service loops, airline Wifi refunds, and revenge on “Bob” for all AI woes.
• Julie works in e-commerce for fashion – leading to further jokes about remote work and emotional distance.
  • “We also emote remotely, which makes it easy for us.” (Ben, 13:04)

4. Cheese, Wine, and “French” Aspirations

• Endless mockery of the couple’s desire for “French cheese,” Julie’s lack of oyster experience, and the American adoration of French lifestyle signifiers.
  • “If you meet a Higgins, the way to their heart is to bring them French cheese.” (Ben, 09:35)
  • “Being in Bordeaux right now is both exciting and terrifying, mainly because I think I just drank a pearl.” (Ben-as-Julie, 34:58)
• Tourist Irony: The couple’s anti-tourist stance is lampooned given their obvious status as newcomers.
  • “I love when Americans go to buy places in another country and they're like, 'ew, tourists.'” (Ronnie, 15:05)

5. Bordeaux House Hunt: Wishlists Meet Reality

• The couple wants everything: 2 beds, 2 baths, separate offices, Bordeaux charm, full-size fridge—all within a $375k budget and the “hypercenter.”
  • “So you want a two bedroom, two bath… and you want to pay $5 for a store.” (Ronnie, 19:18)
• Hypercenter Play: Extended bits about “the hyper center”, its European buzz, and need for New York-style street quirks.
  • “I would like to be in the hyper center of Bordeaux. And coming from New York City…if we could also have some rats in the hyper center, that would be wonderful.” (Ben-as-Julie, 21:08)
• The realtor's Turkey Oven Question – Adrienne’s American experience shines:
  • “Do you need a turkey oven? You know you can't even get a turkey here, right?” (Adrienne, 21:22)

6. Apartment Tours & Bathroom Sagas

Place de la Victoire (Apartment #1):

• Under budget ($370k), well-located, but awkward bedroom with glass wall and only one bath.
  • “Bob’s like, I don't want to watch Julie poop.” (Ronnie, 26:12)
  • “Hang a drape. You're in France. You can find textile.” (Ben, 26:37)

Pol de Caleo (Apartment #2):

• Over budget, fifth-floor walkup, bigger, two baths, sloped ceiling, but the best views/location.
  • “But I have to get past the price.” (Ronnie, 42:06)

The “No Charm” Outer Area (Apartment #3):

• $300k, newly renovated, north of center, “absolutely zero charm,” very “Higgins-coded.”
  • “This is such a boring place. Although it really would be perfect for the Higgins. It’s so Higgins coded.” (Ben, 44:20)

7. Bathroom Rants: International vs. American Quirks

• Both hosts vent about European bathroom design—cramped or exposed toilets, triangular hotel bathrooms, awkward combined shower/toilet combos.
  • “…the other one was nice. She needs to go on vacation. She’s like, listen, Siri’s out right now, but I mean, listen, you got Joy here, okay?” (Ben, 11:22)
  • “Why do we need to reinvent bathrooms? Okay. Bathrooms are the most utilitarian thing we have as human beings. Poop, clean.” (Ronnie, 32:53)

8. Decision Time & Final Reflections

• Both predict the couple will pick Apartment #1, but the bathroom kills it.
  • “I thought it was gonna be number one, too, but I think that pooper killed them.” (Ronnie, 46:17)
• The couple chooses Apartment #2—the best (and most expensive) option.
  • “They should have taken number two. That was the best one by far.” (Ben, 46:41)
• Final mocking affection for the couple's “basic” nature and admiration for their Bordeaux adventure.
  • “We feed the ducks, although the ducks run away from us…we call it flaggy crack.” (Ben, 47:15)
  • “And that’s them. This nice, basic couple. Found a pretty cute little place. So good for them.” (Ronnie, 47:29)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On “Settler” Energy:
  “You must have been just giving up at this point, because I feel like they both…lightly hate each other.” — Ronnie (03:38)

• On Bordeaux’s Appeal:
  “It’s a great city for this couple because they seem bored and they look like doe.” — Ben (03:29)

• Bob’s AI Job and the Retail Chatbot Spirals:
  “He’s the one who clearly programmed…when you need to get a refund, and it’s like, ‘Hi, I’m Susan. How can I help you today?’” — Ben (09:58)

• Bathroom Confessions:
  “Bob’s like, I don’t want to watch Julie poop. I need another bathroom.” — Ronnie (26:12)
  “Why do I have to poop where the popcorn’s being made?” — Ronnie (28:35)

• Tourist Irony:
  “I love when Americans go to buy places in another country, and they're like, ew, tourists. You're not just a regular because you're buying a house there, you know?” — Ronnie (15:05)

• On New York Habits:
  “If we could have some rats in the hyper center, that would be wonderful.” — Ben-as-Julie (21:08)

• On Making Do:
  “You could put it in West Hollywood. We didn’t even have [a washer-dryer]… had to take it to the Laundromat. It sucks.” — Ronnie (39:07)

Notable Timestamps

• [03:14] – First big roast of Bordeaux and the couple’s reasoning for moving.
• [05:50] – Introduction of realtor Adrienne, beret jokes, callback to previous flamboyant House Hunters clients.
• [09:45] – Bob’s job reveal inspires the epic AI/retail chatbot rant.
• [19:18-20:00] – The wish list rundown, hosts’ disbelief (“You want a four-bedroom office complex for $375k…”).
• [21:22] – The legendary “turkey oven” demand and Adrienne’s exasperation with American buyers’ quirks.
• [26:12] – The iconic “I don’t want to watch Julie poop” bit.
• [28:09-32:53] – Bathroom design rants: pizza slice bathroom, shower/toilet combos, glass panels.
• [34:48] – First oyster experience, more American-in-France awkwardness.
• [42:06] – View from Pol de Caleo, price anxieties, “Higgins-coded” new build.
• [46:41] – Reveal of their final choice, hosts’ take.

Summary Takeaway

Ben and Ronnie deliver a hilarious, relentlessly playful recap on not only the specifics of House Hunters International but the entire culture of American expat “settlers,” French property woes, and how we define “charm.” Through endless banter, puns, and sharp observations, they make even the most basic buyers and generic apartments feel worthy of a comedy show. At heart, it’s an ode to the little details—be they glass walls in bedrooms or oversized expectations for $375,000 in a European city’s “hypercenter.”

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