Podcast Summary:
Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #513: High Stakes in Hells Canyon
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: June 20, 2025
Episode Overview
In this episode of "Dwell Hello", Ben and Ronnie unleash their signature blend of sarcasm and affection as they dissect the House Hunters episode "High Stakes in Hell’s Canyon" (Season 240, Episode 1). They explore the absurdity of choosing to live in one of America’s most remote—and dangerous—canyons, taking aim at the featured couple’s questionable decisions, the logistics of off-grid living, and the show's cast of supporting characters (including a rugged boatman and an indefatigably optimistic realtor). The episode is both a biting critique and a loving parody, as the hosts “mock because they love.”
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. The Absurdity of Voluntary Exile
- Ben opens with white-hot irritation at the idea of seeking “smaller town” vibes by moving from tiny Cle Elum, WA to isolated Hells Canyon, ID ([03:38]).
- Ronnie frames the move as a backwards dive into pioneer days:
"We can complain about our current world...but it’s sure as hell a lot better than the pioneer days. Why are you purposely going back?" ([04:20])
2. Character Analysis: Paul and Audra
- The hosts lampoon the couple's motivations, with particular focus on their doomsday vibes and questionable relationship dynamics:
- "These are swingers. They’re lying. They’re both fucking other people." – Ronnie ([05:18])
- Ben suspects they’re prepping for the apocalypse more than seeking tranquility.
- Audra is described as “the most defeated person,” baffled and glum as she narrates their river-based romance ([11:11]).
3. Remote Living (and Its Many, Many Drawbacks)
- Endless jokes about the practical perils: medical emergencies, grocery shortages, air-conditioning, and satellite internet woes.
- Ben:
"Congrats on never having ice cream again with a 45-minute to two-hour commute to the supermarket." ([24:21])
- Ronnie’s skepticism about Paul’s property management from afar:
"I’ve never known a property manager who’s not there. She can’t just be off valutin’...She’s got her keys and her polyester pants and an afro because she’s a dedicated lesbian." ([10:07])
- Frequent cracks about how every house features impossible access, dangerous wildlife, and little to no actual amenities.
4. The Logistics and Dangers of Hells Canyon
- Hell’s Canyon is painstakingly portrayed as a place where only “boats, helicopters, or flying monkeys” take you anywhere ([24:01], [25:06]).
- The couple’s boatless existence is a recurring punchline; Ben and Ronnie question what happens if their “one boat” floats away with the rising tide ([30:31]).
- The biggest danger isn’t nature, but boredom and possible death by isolation (and rattlesnakes).
5. House Shopping in Hell: The Three Options
- The hosts detail each of the three houses shown:
- House #1:
- Most luxurious (3 bed, 3 bath, 2,000 sq ft, $850k), with wraparound deck and gorgeous views, but no air conditioning or internet.
- Ben: "This is the winner...even on TV, these views are astounding...Never gonna live there. Won’t even come visit." ([27:16])
- House #2:
- Middle-of-the-pack (3 bed, 1 bath, $650k), with better price but a treacherous boat landing and more “doomsday prepper” vibes; requires generators for air conditioning.
- Ronnie: “This is a dead and breakfast. Sad. Scary. Maybe people are into corrugated metal siding? I don’t know.” ([35:36])
- House #3:
- The bottom of the barrel (two detached buildings, compost toilet, no shower or stove, comes with a questionable boat).
- Ronnie: "It’s like a saw house. A torture escape room...And here’s the bathroom. It’s a compost toilet. Isn’t that fun? Welcome to Hell’s Canyon." ([44:57], [45:47])
- House #1:
6. Supporting Characters:
- Scott the Boatman: Simultaneously “hot” and “terrifying,” Scott’s reckless jet boat driving becomes a running theme ([12:24], [12:44]).
- Heather the Realtor: Noted for her relentless, toxic positivity:
- Ronnie: “She’s what happens when a very ambitious person gets stuck in a gorge. But she’s trying!” ([21:32])
- Perpetually presents bad news with a smile:
"You know what? It doesn’t." ([26:32])
7. Decision and Aftermath
- Ben and Ronnie predict the couple will make the illogical middle-of-the-road choice – and they’re right: Audra and Paul pick House #2 ([49:16]).
- The episode ends with tales of rattlesnake run-ins and resigned humor about their new life’s challenges.
- Ronnie shares a personal story about a Texas snake rescue to tie it back to the realities of “nature living” ([49:45], [50:47]).
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On why to avoid Hell’s Canyon:
"Anyone heard of sepsis lately? You will soon." – Ronnie ([06:35])
- On the lack of civilization:
"This is not a small town feel. This is an outhouse in the desert feel." – Ronnie ([08:13])
- On rural logistics:
"The only way is from boat or helicopter...or a flying monkey. That would be fun." – Ronnie ([24:44])
- On house features:
"This is a rare find – passed down from dead person to dead person." – Ronnie ([25:49]) "This is a beautiful cabin...It’s the winner." – Ben ([27:05])
- After choosing a home:
“Paul got bit on the ankle and I actually had to suck the poison out. So, you know, it’s bringing our love life back.” – Ronnie ([49:45])
- On the show’s ultimate lesson:
"All of this because of one guy with eyeliner in a Starbucks. For sake." – Ronnie ([52:54])
Important Timestamps
- 02:30 – Introduction to the House Hunters episode and Ben begins the roast
- 05:18 – Ronnie jokingly speculates about Paul and Audra's swinger/doomsday prepping life
- 10:07 – Property manager logistics lampooned
- 11:11 – Audra and Paul’s meet-cute dissected
- 18:00 – Critique of the unrealistic home wish list
- 23:02 – Arrival of Heather the endlessly optimistic realtor
- 27:05 – Review of the first (best) house
- 35:36 – Scathing assessment of House #2
- 44:57 – Trashing the "torture escape room" that is House #3
- 49:16 – Reveal: They choose House #2
- 49:45 – Rattlesnake anecdotes and realities of river life
- 52:54 – The real reason for the move: "one guy with eyeliner in a Starbucks"
Tone and Language
The episode is a classic Crappens mix of biting snark, relentless satire, and loving mockery. Both hosts riff off the ridiculousness of the show's format and cast, using playful exaggeration and pop-culture callbacks to elevate their commentary. Despite “dragging” the episode’s cast, they circle back to affection for the show, the genre, and the people who make these questionable life choices for all of us to enjoy.
Summary for Non-Listeners:
This hour-long roast of House Hunters: High Stakes in Hell’s Canyon is pure comedy, celebrating the absurdity of seeking “remote tranquility” at great personal risk and inconvenience. If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at reality TV’s house-hunting tropes, Ben and Ronnie crystallize that skepticism with the perfect mix of humor, insight, and pop-culture savvy.