Dwell Hello #513: High Stakes in Hells Canyon

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #513: High Stakes in Hells Canyon
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: June 20, 2025

---

Episode Overview

In this episode of "Dwell Hello", Ben and Ronnie unleash their signature blend of sarcasm and affection as they dissect the House Hunters episode "High Stakes in Hell’s Canyon" (Season 240, Episode 1). They explore the absurdity of choosing to live in one of America’s most remote—and dangerous—canyons, taking aim at the featured couple’s questionable decisions, the logistics of off-grid living, and the show's cast of supporting characters (including a rugged boatman and an indefatigably optimistic realtor). The episode is both a biting critique and a loving parody, as the hosts “mock because they love.”

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Absurdity of Voluntary Exile

• Ben opens with white-hot irritation at the idea of seeking “smaller town” vibes by moving from tiny Cle Elum, WA to isolated Hells Canyon, ID ([03:38]).
• Ronnie frames the move as a backwards dive into pioneer days:

  "We can complain about our current world...but it’s sure as hell a lot better than the pioneer days. Why are you purposely going back?" ([04:20])

2. Character Analysis: Paul and Audra

• The hosts lampoon the couple's motivations, with particular focus on their doomsday vibes and questionable relationship dynamics:
  • "These are swingers. They’re lying. They’re both fucking other people." – Ronnie ([05:18])
  • Ben suspects they’re prepping for the apocalypse more than seeking tranquility.
• Audra is described as “the most defeated person,” baffled and glum as she narrates their river-based romance ([11:11]).

3. Remote Living (and Its Many, Many Drawbacks)

• Endless jokes about the practical perils: medical emergencies, grocery shortages, air-conditioning, and satellite internet woes.
• Ben:

  "Congrats on never having ice cream again with a 45-minute to two-hour commute to the supermarket." ([24:21])

• Ronnie’s skepticism about Paul’s property management from afar:

  "I’ve never known a property manager who’s not there. She can’t just be off valutin’...She’s got her keys and her polyester pants and an afro because she’s a dedicated lesbian." ([10:07])

• Frequent cracks about how every house features impossible access, dangerous wildlife, and little to no actual amenities.

4. The Logistics and Dangers of Hells Canyon

• Hell’s Canyon is painstakingly portrayed as a place where only “boats, helicopters, or flying monkeys” take you anywhere ([24:01], [25:06]).
• The couple’s boatless existence is a recurring punchline; Ben and Ronnie question what happens if their “one boat” floats away with the rising tide ([30:31]).
• The biggest danger isn’t nature, but boredom and possible death by isolation (and rattlesnakes).

5. House Shopping in Hell: The Three Options

• The hosts detail each of the three houses shown:
  • House #1:
    • Most luxurious (3 bed, 3 bath, 2,000 sq ft, $850k), with wraparound deck and gorgeous views, but no air conditioning or internet.
    • Ben: "This is the winner...even on TV, these views are astounding...Never gonna live there. Won’t even come visit." ([27:16])
  • House #2:
    • Middle-of-the-pack (3 bed, 1 bath, $650k), with better price but a treacherous boat landing and more “doomsday prepper” vibes; requires generators for air conditioning.
    • Ronnie: “This is a dead and breakfast. Sad. Scary. Maybe people are into corrugated metal siding? I don’t know.” ([35:36])
  • House #3:
    • The bottom of the barrel (two detached buildings, compost toilet, no shower or stove, comes with a questionable boat).
    • Ronnie: "It’s like a saw house. A torture escape room...And here’s the bathroom. It’s a compost toilet. Isn’t that fun? Welcome to Hell’s Canyon." ([44:57], [45:47])

6. Supporting Characters:

• Scott the Boatman: Simultaneously “hot” and “terrifying,” Scott’s reckless jet boat driving becomes a running theme ([12:24], [12:44]).
• Heather the Realtor: Noted for her relentless, toxic positivity:
  • Ronnie: “She’s what happens when a very ambitious person gets stuck in a gorge. But she’s trying!” ([21:32])
  • Perpetually presents bad news with a smile:

    "You know what? It doesn’t." ([26:32])

7. Decision and Aftermath

• Ben and Ronnie predict the couple will make the illogical middle-of-the-road choice – and they’re right: Audra and Paul pick House #2 ([49:16]).
• The episode ends with tales of rattlesnake run-ins and resigned humor about their new life’s challenges.
• Ronnie shares a personal story about a Texas snake rescue to tie it back to the realities of “nature living” ([49:45], [50:47]).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On why to avoid Hell’s Canyon:

  "Anyone heard of sepsis lately? You will soon." – Ronnie ([06:35])

• On the lack of civilization:

  "This is not a small town feel. This is an outhouse in the desert feel." – Ronnie ([08:13])

• On rural logistics:

  "The only way is from boat or helicopter...or a flying monkey. That would be fun." – Ronnie ([24:44])

• On house features:

  "This is a rare find – passed down from dead person to dead person." – Ronnie ([25:49]) "This is a beautiful cabin...It’s the winner." – Ben ([27:05])

• After choosing a home:

  “Paul got bit on the ankle and I actually had to suck the poison out. So, you know, it’s bringing our love life back.” – Ronnie ([49:45])

• On the show’s ultimate lesson:

  "All of this because of one guy with eyeliner in a Starbucks. For sake." – Ronnie ([52:54])

---

Important Timestamps

• 02:30 – Introduction to the House Hunters episode and Ben begins the roast
• 05:18 – Ronnie jokingly speculates about Paul and Audra's swinger/doomsday prepping life
• 10:07 – Property manager logistics lampooned
• 11:11 – Audra and Paul’s meet-cute dissected
• 18:00 – Critique of the unrealistic home wish list
• 23:02 – Arrival of Heather the endlessly optimistic realtor
• 27:05 – Review of the first (best) house
• 35:36 – Scathing assessment of House #2
• 44:57 – Trashing the "torture escape room" that is House #3
• 49:16 – Reveal: They choose House #2
• 49:45 – Rattlesnake anecdotes and realities of river life
• 52:54 – The real reason for the move: "one guy with eyeliner in a Starbucks"

---

Tone and Language

The episode is a classic Crappens mix of biting snark, relentless satire, and loving mockery. Both hosts riff off the ridiculousness of the show's format and cast, using playful exaggeration and pop-culture callbacks to elevate their commentary. Despite “dragging” the episode’s cast, they circle back to affection for the show, the genre, and the people who make these questionable life choices for all of us to enjoy.

---

Summary for Non-Listeners:
This hour-long roast of House Hunters: High Stakes in Hell’s Canyon is pure comedy, celebrating the absurdity of seeking “remote tranquility” at great personal risk and inconvenience. If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at reality TV’s house-hunting tropes, Ben and Ronnie crystallize that skepticism with the perfect mix of humor, insight, and pop-culture savvy.

Transcript

[Ronnie]

Mom, dad, I'm not throwing shade, but the whole New Year's resolution thing, kinda slippin. No offense. Anyway, my best friend Jenny's dad crushing it.

[Co-host]

He uses Blue Apron.

[Ronnie]

He says he ordered one pan assemble.

[Co-host]

And bake meals and these things called meal kits. They're all super easy to make. He keeps yelling protein and fiber, baby.

[Ronnie]

Also the food. We tried it. So good, so maybe check it out or whatever. Blue apron. Get 50% off your first two orders.

[Co-host]

Plus free shipping with code.

[Ronnie]

Listen 50 terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more.

[Co-host]

Acast Powers the World's Best Podcasts here's the show that we recommend. Greetings Adventurers is the longest running Dungeons and Dragons actual play comedy podcast that has been putting out episodes each and every week since 2012.

[Ronnie]

And we think you'd love it.

[Co-host]

But don't take our word for it.

[Ronnie]

Take theirs.

[Co-host]

The thing I love most about Greetings Adventures is the interactive community. I've been listening for 2010 years and.

[Ronnie]

Now I'm a sophomore in college.

[Co-host]

The only podcast I've ever listened to for that long. There's nothing better.

[Ronnie]

There's no limit on what might happen.

[Co-host]

So just be prepared.

[Ronnie]

Top tier comedy right here.

[Co-host]

The best representation of sitting around with a group of idiots playing D and D. And it's not something you're just watching, it's something that you're experiencing. Download Green's Adventurers Wherever you listen to.

[Ronnie]

Podcasts, can't wait to see the next episode.

[Co-host]

Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcast everywhere. Acast.com.

[Ronnie]

Ding dong. Hello.

[Co-host]

Well hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's a Watch what's Kreppins House Hunters podcast? Hey Ronnie, how's it going?

[Ronnie]

Well hello you little Bennuni tunes. Everything is going great, let me tell you. I'm extremely grateful for my abod after watching House Hunters. Wow.

[Co-host]

Wow. This episode, this episode that we're talking about Today, it's season 240, episode one, High Stakes in Hell's Canyon. This is House Hunters, volume 10. Really look it up on Max. It's High Stakes in Hell's Canyon. And what was special about this one? Was this recommended to us by anyone? Or is this one that you.

[Ronnie]

This was recommended. You say what's special about it and I will find out who recommended it.

[Co-host]

Here's what's special about it. This was not just any House Hunters episode. This was part of a House Hunter's Remote Locations or something like that. Like it was a variation on House Hunters where I had, like, a little mountain logo. And the idea is that it's looking at really remote locations. So it was crazy, and it made my blood boil. I got so mad at these people because I just. I hated that they were even doing this. I hated their decisions. I hated their choices. I hated their taste levels. I hated that we had to sit and watch them hem and haw about three places that they should never even be moving to in the first place. In other words, I love the episode.

[Ronnie]

This was recommended to us by Madeline. Thanks, Madeline. Great call. This is also a newer episode, so to the newer ones. A lot of the times we've had a couple of times here doing Dwellhello where the cast members of the show have contacted us. Okay, let me just say, cast members, don't listen to this. If this is about you, we're mean to you for literally no reason. People on House Hunters generally don't even do anything wrong. You're innocent people. You do one episode of a show, you really don't deserve to be dragged through the mud or across the coals and treated like crap. But we do it anyway because it's our hobby, you know, and we've done it to nice people. And then they get their feelings hurt. So don't listen to this. And if you do, we do not mean this. Okay? That said, now what you were saying about the. Why are you even doing this? I thought the same thing. You know, I had a year of reading a lot of westerns. I read all the Lonesome Dove books. Then recently I read Blood Meridian, which was horrifying. So I've read a lot of westerns. And one thing I have gotten from all of these westerns is we can complain about whatever we want in our current world. And I'm not saying it's great, but it sure as hell a lot better than it was during the pioneer days. So I watch an episode like this, and I'm like, why are you purposely going back to the pioneer days? We have plumbing now. You know what I mean? Why are you doing this on purpose? And what do you think is gonna happen in a place called Hell's Canyon?

[Co-host]

Yeah. And I'm supposed to sit here and feel bad for you that you like, oh, God, Wow. I wanna live all the way up a river, two hours from civilization. But, like, what about medical? I'm like, you know, it's a way to get close to medical facilities. Don't live up a river. Live in a house in a town.

[Ronnie]

Okay, why you gotta put the ambulance in D? You Know what I mean? Like, these are horrible people. And let me tell you something else. These are swingers. These are people who want. They say they want nothing but to be together. They're liars. They're both fucking other people. I can see it in her face, especially. That lady is a board swinger and she puts her keys in bowls. Even when you don't ask her to. She's like, where's the keyboard? These people are swingers. Who are you gonna fuck out there? And do they trim their pubic hair?

[Co-host]

And I also believe that they are probably doomsday preppers. Like, these are two people who are moving up to this remote river because they think the of the world is nigh. I don't care what else they say, this is why they're moving up there. They're going up there to fuck with other doomsday preppers. We all know. We all know what's happening.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, but guess where they test all those missiles. Hell's Canyon. That's where they test them. They test them in remote places that nobody can get to.

[Co-host]

Yeah. So here comes Linda, very upset. Audra and Paul are moving from Clay Ellum, Washington to Hells Canyon, Idaho. They're ready to live in one of the country's most remote valleys on the Snake river, where one of them will trip on a rock. They won't be able to get medical attention and they'll die of gangrene.

[Ronnie]

Anyone heard of sepsis lately? You will soon. Living on the edge, remote part of the canyon. There are no roads and properties are only accessible by aircraft or boats. And it's definitely not for the faint of heart, because if you are faint of heart, you're going to die here because you can't get to a hospital.

[Co-host]

So we see Audra and Paul and they're like driving with their dog in the backseat. And Paul's like, well, I'm just gonna check the flow real quickly just to make sure we know what's going on since we haven't had water for a little bit. So I don't even know. It's like, thanks, Paul. So he says, we're moving from Clay Ellum, Washington to Hells Canyon, Idaho. Clay Ellum is very fast growing over the last few years. So the reason we'd like to move down here to Hells Canyon is this is more of a still a small town feel. So we see an overhead shot of this Clay Ellen place. I looked. Not a single traffic light. Okay. There was like a general store, a cafe, a church, and like five buildings this is like that tiny town on Grand Theft Auto that you drive to when you finally make it out of the city. He's like, whoa, the big city life. Am I right? We need something that's more small town. I'm like, you were in this small town, girl.

[Ronnie]

You know, they probably saw one guy in eyeliner at a Starbucks. Like, that's. The big city's here. We got to go.

[Co-host]

That rules are here. A liberal move to Clay Ellum. And he's like, oh, it's too. Getting too big city around these parts. Got to go the small town places.

[Ronnie]

I saw a Kamala bumper sticker.

[Co-host]

We're out. Yeah, in order to have a small town feel, there has to be a town, by the way, it can't just be a pebble on the side of a raging river.

[Ronnie]

This is not a small town feel. This is a outhouse in the desert feel. This is not even a town. What are you talking about, Paul?

[Co-host]

You're gonna see Kevin Bacon come floating down on a raft with Meryl Streep being terrorized in two seconds where you're living. This is not a small town. This is a movie called the River Wild.

[Ronnie]

This is literally so dangerous. When I moved into my house, I was showing my mom pictures, and she said, what are you, on top of a hill? I said, yeah, it's up a very steep driveway. I said, that's the biggest sticking point. It's really steep. And she goes, ronnie, you're too old to be moving up hills. You're gonna die in that house. I was like, geez. And she goes, if you need help, you can't get it. No one can get to you. No one's gonna walk up a hill.

[Co-host]

You know what? Normally I'd be like, I agree with her. But then I see this fucking episode. I'm like, no, at least you don't live up a river two hours from civilization. And then you're gonna make everyone's life hell. And then all of a sudden, a helicopter's gonna come out to save you and cost people thousands of dollars. They're gonna raise the premiums on everyone because your ass wanted to live in a house up a river because your quote unquote small town is becoming too big city feeling because you saw a Starbucks cup that was just pure red.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, girl, I know. But I told my mom, listen, I know I'm gonna die at home, and I'm fine with that because I went to the hospital one time for blood pressure, and it cost me $11,000, so fuck it. I'm dying at home anyway. Who would go to the doctor now? Anyway, it's all bullshit. So I'm with Paul, I'm going to the hospital.

[Co-host]

I say, you're about to move up the river yourself.

[Ronnie]

So I just talked myself into it.

[Co-host]

So then Paul tells us, in my work, I manage properties and I'm able to do that from pretty much anywhere. So this seems to be a good time to be remote. If my property has a problem and you tell me, sorry, I can't get there till Wednesday because I live two hours up a river, I'm suing your ass.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I definitely had the question when he said that, like, what kind of property manager are you that you're not there? I've never know. I'm from a real estate family. My aunt is the property manager. She has to have her ass there. She can't just be off valutin' all over the. All over the place. You got to be there. She's got a huge chain of keys. She's got a huge key ring around her, her polyester pants and an afro because she's a very dedicated lesbian. What is she doing without those keys if she doesn't have to be at these homes?

[Co-host]

Get your ass back into your small town that you're claiming is the next coming of New York City and manage those properties on site. Okay, don't go up a river, please.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, Paul's a property manager. Not for long, I can tell you that.

[Co-host]

Yeah, so Paul, Paul's saying, oh, it'll be a good day to ride up the river. There's a lot of water today. So Audra tells us, well, we met on the river about four years ago. I'd seen this guy, I don't know his name. And then two weeks later I got a message and he's like, let's go on a date. Signed Paul from the river.

[Ronnie]

And I thought, well, he didn't even sign it. And the way that she talks about it, she goes, yeah, I was at the river, I seen this guy like, oh, no, by the way, Audra, have you ever seen a more defeated person? Audra, literally, her head is kind of like lopped over to the side. She never smiles. And she's just like, yeah, I've seen this guy. And I guess he found me somewhere. And Paul's like, yeah, river community. Everybody gets to know everybody up here. Didn't take long. I was like, okay, you fucking stalker. What a weirdo.

[Co-host]

There's also only eight people up there. It's not a huge accomplishment to get to know eight other people.

[Ronnie]

This sounds like my biggest night nightmare, by the way. He's like, yeah, you know, small town, community, Everyone knows everybody. That's not what I want, you know, I don't want that.

[Co-host]

So now they're on this boat. They're on, like, a special boat that can, like, drive up rapids run by their friend Scott, who is a crazy boat driver who just does donuts in the middle of the river. And Audra's like, hey, see any big orange sheep up there? Like, Audra, how many times do I have to tell you? There are no bighorn sheep in the river, okay? This is not bighorn sheep country. This is river country. I want to see a bighorn sheep, though.

[Ronnie]

Okay? I will say this. Scott, the friend who's driving the boat because they have to take boats everywhere. And Scott's like the driver. Now that's a daddy.

[Co-host]

Scott was a daddy.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. He's also there for Scott.

[Co-host]

He's also terrifying. There's like one moment where he accelerates and he has this look on his face like, I was like, oh, my God, this guy is scary. But hot.

[Ronnie]

But scary Scott. Yeah. Scott moved to Hell's Canyon because he wants everybody to die there, you know, he's like, I'm taking you to hell with me, but I'm hot. So he's like, yeah, Hell's Canyon. Oh, Paul's like, yeah, Hell's Canyon. Gigantic playground with a river. There's no playground here, Paul. It's rocks in a river and sun. And then they're like, yeah, it gets to 110 degrees here. It's like, great. No air conditioner. We'll have to think about it. What the fuck is wrong with you two? You two don't look like you smell the best as it is. I don't want to smell you in 110 degree weather.

[Co-host]

Can't wait to go hang out on my beach with the. The spiky rocks and the rattlesnakes and in the water that's polluted with Scott's boat. So Scott's boat.

[Ronnie]

Scott's boat. Catching strays.

[Co-host]

Paul's. I hated that fucking boat. They kept on cutting to it, like, swirling, like just like doing these 180s and like, I was like, could relax. Could you just drive the boat straight?

[Ronnie]

So Paul's like, nothing else to do. They don't have cable out there. Poor man. Yeah, and he's out there doing donuts on his boat. By the way. That's not a donut boat. Anyway, it's like A big boat. It's a fairly big boat to be driving like that.

[Co-host]

And there's, like, they're riding in this boat and the dog's in the boat with them. And this guy's doing donuts and swirling around. I'm like, come on, there's a dog in here. He's probably terrified. So Paul's like, I'm addicted to running white water. So this is the jet boat capital of the world. It's also the medical emergency failure capital of the world. It's got its own set of challenges, but it's also very rewarding because. Sure. Do we have roads? No. Do we have rattlesnakes? Yes. Can you get bitten by a rattlesnake? Yes. But can you get quick medical attention for that rattlesnake bite?

[Ronnie]

No.

[Co-host]

It's fun.

[Ronnie]

He says this as a positive. He goes, you know, there's just something about not having an interstate. Yeah.

[Co-host]

What do you have instead of your way?

[Ronnie]

You know?

[Co-host]

Okay, you don't have an interstate, but you got Scott terrorizing all the animals while he does Papa Wheelies with his boat coming up the river at 300 miles per hour.

[Ronnie]

So, Chiron, at almost 8,000ft deep, Hell's Canyon is the deepest gorge in North America. Where do you live? The deepest gorge in North America. Where the fuck do you live?

[Co-host]

I also think that when Paul says there's just something about not having an interstate, Audra's like, I think it's absolutely not worth it. Because who needs to get anywhere for food and medical.

[Ronnie]

Audra loves it. Audra still, like, kills children or something. There's something weird about Audra. She's like, yeah, Caprice's trying to get me now. Good luck getting down the gorge, suckers.

[Co-host]

Then Scott goes, hey, hey, I think we can get a fish here. Let's see if we can. Yeah, get a sturgeon. I want a big one. There's no fucking fish around. Because Scott was driving this boat like he was trying to avoid lightning boats.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Even the fish are like, we need to move to a place with a freeway. Those people are losers. This place have medical? Yeah. Say it again.

[Co-host]

Does this estuary have medical?

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Scott's like, there's not many people around here living, so. Especially full time. And Paul's like, ah, it's gonna be good. All right, so what are you guys looking for? And Audra says she wants a furnished one bedroom, which apparently is not gonna happen. Something else I noticed here. These homes are expensive. These are not cheap homes. I mean, you would think living in the Middle of nowhere with no toilet or electricity or whatever. They would be cheaper, but they're like, oh, well, we could possibly go up to $8 trillion.

[Co-host]

Sure, that sounds Ronnie. Yes, there's no toilet in some of these. Yes, there's no electricity. Yes. There's no Internet. Yes, there's no stove. But you do get rattlesnakes, so hello. That's gonna add to that price tag.

[Ronnie]

And on the bright side, again, no freeways, so.

[Co-host]

No freeways and lots of orgies. So actually, they're looking for a three bedroom. She just said, I want a fully furnished one. Like, I want a fully furnished house. I want a furnished one.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

And, yeah, I like when Scott says, yeah, there are not a lot of people that live up here. A lot of people that die up here, though. A lot of people that die. They don't live, but they die.

[Ronnie]

A lot of people wish they were dead here.

[Co-host]

So Audra says, I couldn't imagine bringing furniture up the river. God, like, yeah. You know what else I couldn't imagine? Having to bring anything up that river just to live.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. I can't imagine, like, the people that have to do my estate sale when I die on the land, you know?

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

So Scott. So Audra's like, yeah, you know, we gotta have three bedrooms because we got friends, they'll come visit lot. So, you know, open concept, quote, unquote. I get it, I get it.

[Co-host]

Audrey swingers go up the river with the swinger swinger party. So they want like 1200 square feet, which is really not that big considering that they're three.

[Ronnie]

What would you say, a three bedroom at 1200 square feet. How does that work?

[Co-host]

That's like a little LA apartment, you know, so. And then she's like, I want it to be easy to clean and low maintenance. Okay, great. Well, I hate to tell you something, but you're moving to, like, a dusty ass gorge. Everything we see is like dirt and dust. And she's like, I want it to be clean, easy to clean. How about you don't live in the dirt where you have to take an ATV just to get from your boat to your house?

[Ronnie]

Well, so now they're fishing. And Audra's like, we gotta have a view. A view of sunset and sunrise. I want both the sunset and the sunrise. I want windows everywhere. We ain't gonna have a TV here.

[Co-host]

Okay, okay, settle down.

[Ronnie]

I can't watch Days of Our Lives on Paul's back here. All right, give me some sun.

[Co-host]

Sunrise, sunset. You know, where's a good place to see a sunrise town. Get a little too big city with that sunrise, sunset full coming in. You know where's a good place to see a sunrise and a sunset? Not in a gorge. It's high walls.

[Ronnie]

I was thinking that too. At first I thought, why do you want that in like a desert environment? Because the sun's going to be coming in. But there is no, it's a gorge, there's no sun.

[Co-host]

You're going to get like from like 11am to 2pm you see the sun?

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

So they're like, I got to have a view. I'm like, I have a feeling you'll be able to see a view since there's nothing else around but mountain river.

[Ronnie]

So yeah. So Audra's like, where's that fish at, Scott? And he goes, they're out there somewhere. I mean usually they're in the water. Audra, she's like, yeah, I do him, I do them.

[Co-host]

So then Paul wants solar, not solar. I don't know why I said solar. He wants solar. He's like something that's got full sun. So he also feels like having satellite Internet is very important because if something happens we can call for help. We won't actually be helped, but at least we can call for help. People can know. We can let them know we're dying.

[Ronnie]

Someone in space will know that we're dying.

[Co-host]

Also I think it's hilarious that he's like, gotta have satellite Internet. I'm like, that's an amenity. I think no matter where you live, you can probably make that happen. You can probably call up the company and they'll install it for you. Don't worry for like five or six.

[Ronnie]

It'S reliable because on my phone it says going into satellite mode or whatever. When there's not service, it never works. It's never worked for anything. So does that work?

[Co-host]

I think like satellite Internet's different than that. Like SOS Is that what you're talking about when it goes SOS and there's a put up below?

[Ronnie]

Yeah. I looked up what the symbol meant online because I didn't know what it meant and it said satellite mode.

[Co-host]

Yeah, I think something that's like dedicated for like satellite Internet is more effective than like when our phones do it. I almost feel like when your phone goes into satellite mode, it's kind of like being like, okay, we're not working right now, but we want to make it seem like we are working and we want to blame satellite. Okay.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Oh gosh. Okay. So satellite's important. They can call for help, but he wants to stay around 700 grand. And I'm shocked by that number because normally on this show, they're like, I want to spend about $10, and I'd like a mansion with a pool. But he's, I think, for living In a gorge, 700 is pretty good. Yeah.

[Co-host]

So. So now they're putting a boat in the water, and Scott's like, welcome to Hills Canyon, guys. And then here comes Heather, the real estate agent. She's like, you thought Scott was the realtor? Guess what? He's not. He's just our boat chauffeur. I'm Heather. Heather's whole thing is that she precedes every piece of bad news with, you know what? Like, if they're like, does this have a stove? You know what?

[Ronnie]

It doesn't, Heather, is what happens when a very ambitious person gets stuck in a gorge. Okay, there's no beauty salon. I mean, this girl is doing everything on her own. And, I mean, I, you know, lift my glass to her, and when I lift it, I say, run. What are you doing here? You have ambition. Get out of this town. But she's here, and she's trying and she's trying her toxic positivity, but unfortunately, she's in a place called Hell's Canyon, and it makes no sense. She's like, hi, I'm Heather. Oh, my God. Careful when you get out, guys. It's pretty steep. There's lots of rocks here, huh? You know what?

[Co-host]

It's.

[Ronnie]

It's crazy, isn't it? Okay, let's look. I love the challenge of my job being a remote specialist, because there's just so few homes. You know, there's no market in Hell's Canyon or hair salon or nail place. It's just, you pretty much do it by yourself while your husband fishes. Again. This is fun, isn't it?

[Co-host]

I signed up for the job because I was really good at programming our universal remote. And everyone says, you're so good at that, you should get a job at it. Little did I realize being a remote specialist is actually a totally different thing. But here I am anyway. Okay, I'm happy you don't.

[Ronnie]

You don't normally see for sale signs around this neighborhood. You just wait until there's a smell and coyotes are trying to break into a home and you know, someone's dead enough to sell it out from other homes.

[Co-host]

We don't have for sale signs, but we do have for smell signs.

[Ronnie]

For example, this house comes with a couch, and the old lady that died on it. Her skeleton is still there.

[Co-host]

The first home Heather's taking them to see is a jet boat ride downriver through class three rapids. So that's fun for them. I could use a Class 3 rapid to ferry me away from these awful people, but, oh, well. Living remotely in Hell's Kitchen may be Paul and Audra's dream, but there are a lot of realities that need to sink in. Like for instance, the fact that no one should be living up this river because it's dangerous.

[Ronnie]

I know, even Linda sounds disgusted. She's like, wow, class three rapids, dummies. And then we see class one rapids are easy to navigate and class six rapids are largely impassable. So welcome to threes. Welcome to threes. So, Heather, how close is the closest hospital? Oh, you know what, it's about an hour. It's about an hour away. Isn't that great?

[Co-host]

What about grocery stores? You know what? 45 minutes away. So when you go, just really stock up on that Stouffer's Mac and cheese because you don't know when the next time is, you get to see it. Okay.

[Ronnie]

And then Audra, who's unable to stay in her fucking lane, goes, wow, this is really remote. Yeah, Audra, that's what you're searching for, you fucking numb nuts.

[Co-host]

You're not in Los Angeles. Also, by the way, congrats on never having ice cream for the rest of your life with a freaking 45 minute to 2 hour commute to the supermarket. Good luck with that.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, because you know, Paul doesn't believe in like cooler bags.

[Co-host]

No, this is something those environmentalist lefties always like to say. Well, that I say put in a paper bag because that's how we ate ice cream as a kid.

[Ronnie]

Is this a cooler or a bag? Just be. Just be what you were born as. Like, well, just calm down a little bit. So there's like, yeah, the only way is from boat or helicopter. That's how you get pretty much everywhere. So good luck. You need a boat or elk or a plane or a flying monkey. That would be fun. Dragon, Possibly carpet.

[Co-host]

You ever see Aladdin? He would have been a great candidate to live on the. On the river.

[Ronnie]

Paul's like, you can't fly on prayers. I've been trying it for years. Don't get impregnated by the first guy who comes along, I'll tell you that.

[Co-host]

So Paul says, you know, I'm learning a lot about the river. Everything is different. Yeah, no shit. Because it's not someplace to live. And shouldn't you have looked into this before you decide to go down this crazy path of yours. He's like, well, we don't have a grocery store down the corner, and we don't have an electric store, an electronic store two blocks down the road. What. Why do you need an electronic. What in the name of Radio Shack do you need right now? You want to move up a river, and yet you're still concerned about where the latest electronic store is?

[Ronnie]

He's like, yeah, I see. You got to be real prepared to live up here. So we go to house number one, and Heather's like, you know, Paul, this is a rare find. This is a rare three bedrooms. What? Three bedrooms and three bath. 2,000 square feet. 850,000. You know what? It does surpass your budget. But finding home in house, kitchen, it's rare. House canyon difficult. Okay? They're passed down from dead person to dead person. So I thought it would be fun. It's moving. Ready? You know.

[Co-host]

Hey, why are there so many of these catalogs with rainbow flags on it? Well, this is a common mistake. A lot of people who live in Hell's Kitchen do accidentally have their mail forwarded to Hell's Canyon. So it is an issue that we're constantly facing.

[Ronnie]

Don't worry. There aren't 1924 Hour Fitnesses on one block. Okay.

[Co-host]

Anyway, this is a pretty rare find. It's three bedroom, three bathroom. And if you're lucky, there may be a cadaver inside from a rattlesnake bite. Let's see. Do we smell anything? No. Oh, that's too bad. They say if you find a dead body, it's good luck up here.

[Ronnie]

Now, this is a beautiful place, by the way. This is. This is the winner. I mean, it is a beautiful cabin. It looks new. I mean, it looks like an expensive cabin that you'd find in, like, Aspen or something.

[Co-host]

It's beautiful. Like, some of the. I would say some of the upholstery on the. On the sofas were. I think I would like to get that fixed. But, like, by and large, this was move in ready for a cabin.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Yeah, it was moving ready. Nice layout. Looks.

[Ronnie]

It looks head above your front door. This is the place to do it.

[Co-host]

Yeah. If you were hoping to move to Hell's Canyon and go hunting for some deer, too bad there are no more deer because all the deer heads are in this cabin. There's like a deer head across any piece of wall that was available. There's either antlers or a deer head. They're like, we got them all but this. I mean, look, the views at this house and all the houses are, like, astounding. I mean, even on tv, you're like, wow, that is. That is amazing. It looks beautiful. These views. Never gonna live there. Won't even come visit. But, like, you know, the view is. The view. The view is pretty. Pretty stellar.

[Ronnie]

I mean, there are views of things that you don't want to see, but they're there, you know?

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Like a raging river. I don't. I couldn't see you ever being like, you know what? I want a view of a raging river. Rocks desert.

[Co-host]

I would love. I think the view is amazing. I would love to watch. I love watching water. I love a river. Yeah, I love. I. I like things flowing by. That's why I like fish. I even like watching a highway because it's like a. It is almost like a water current, you know? But they say that this place has been. It's the wood. The logs for this. This cabin were flown in from Payette National Forest. We just flew in right there from Idaho, which is where we're in. And we're just flown in on helicopters. So we're like, we want to make sure this house was built on as much environmental catastrophe as possible. We're going to take the wood from a national forest, buy a helicopter. And then we also decided just to land the helicopter in the water and just release the gas right on top of the fish.

[Ronnie]

And we see on the bottom of the screen, hiring a helicopter with a pilot can cost 20,000 dol an hour. Jeez, you could have spent more than 10 on some of this furniture. Come on.

[Co-host]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ronnie]

Antler chandelier, here we come. Okay. Audra's like, wow, look at the chandelier. God. God bless the person who killed that thing. It was huge.

[Co-host]

I love the furniture. Is this furnished? She goes, well, yes, this comes fully furnished. I know you said this a little bit at the top of your budget. He's like, yeah, that's for sure. And, well. But you know what, though? Like, bring furniture on a boat. That's a tough one. So, you know, you don't have to worry about that. Here you got a nice big log. Log sofa, so that's nice to sit on. And a dining space in the kitchen. So it's nice, right? And it's only 45 minutes from town.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And she's like, oh, bringing furniture on a boat, Rough, right? So you got it. And it's open concept. I mean, look at all the cabinet space. Look at all the cabinet space with the things you're not going to be filling with the things you shop for in town. I know.

[Co-host]

Was thinking. So then they like.

[Ronnie]

Beautiful. This would be amazing to do dishes out and cook dinner.

[Co-host]

Yeah. You know what I want to do? I just want to have dishes there, and then just look at them being empty because I forgot to go to.

[Ronnie]

The store because no one will come visit me in this godforsaken place.

[Co-host]

Yeah. So then they go to the guest quarters, which, again, no guests are coming up here. No.

[Ronnie]

And.

[Co-host]

Then they're looking, and Paul's like, by the way, I heard you need to keep your eye on the boat at all times. Yeah. You know what? Yeah, you have to, because, you know, with the. The river levels, it does happen a lot that your boat just. Just floats away. And he's like, well, what do you do then? Well, you. Then you're just stranded, and you just have to wait for someone to come by, and you just have to wave them down so they have to come by and they have to see you. So anyway, just the way that she.

[Ronnie]

Says all this with a huge smile on her face, like, yeah, then you were stranded. So, yeah, you just kind of stand there and wait for somebody to pass. In the deepest gorge in the world. People don't often pass, but, you know, you sit there and wait. Do you play uno? You can play Uno. Wait. Wait for that.

[Co-host]

The rattlesnakes around here actually all know how to play Uno, which is fun because just a lot of bored people.

[Ronnie]

God, that's one part of Love Island. We forgot to recap today when that guy was like, yeah, I. I'm, like, really good at uno. I slap at uno. I'm an UNO champion. And she goes, I play chess. And he's like, wow, you're an intellectual. Okay, well, I'm good at, you know.

[Co-host]

So if you ever want to come. Who said that they were good? Who was that? Who said they were really good?

[Ronnie]

Jeremiah.

[Co-host]

Jeremiah.

[Ronnie]

She's like, yeah, you're so smart. So this place has propane, and it has an electric fridge, which is a huge deal. I don't know what else the fridge would be, but it's electric and they do have solar. And so he asked a good question when he's like, so, propane, huh? Oh, no, no, no, no. It has a generator. And he goes, okay, so a generator has to be filled with gasoline. So is there a gas station? And she's like, oh, it's about five hours away. So that.

[Co-host]

Yeah, I think that was.

[Ronnie]

You walk to the edge and you Climb down some rocks. Then you get on a boat. Then you go on the boat, hoping l. Helicopter passes. Then that lifts you up to a slide, which you slide back to the other side of the mountain. Good luck getting back over, though. Hope donkeys aren't ext.

[Co-host]

Actually, I think it was the second house that needed propane. This one was solar. But this one doesn't have air conditioning. And he's like, no air conditioning? Well, how hot does it get? Oh, you know, it can't be 110 degrees, you know, so it's pretty. Pretty chilly a little bit. He's like, okay. So there's no air conditioning and no Internet. But in my mind, Ronnie, I'm like, If you're spending $800,000 on a house, you can spend the extra 1200 it is to install, like, some window units or whatever they have in the next house. Those wall.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, those tall things or.

[Co-host]

And you can also spend the $500 to get the satellite installed. And then this. Like, to me, those are, like, such small fixes. You know, you're not doing central air, but you're just. It's. You're gonna add, like, probably $2,000 max to your total cost. I don't think that if you're already spending $800,000, I don't think that's a big, big deal.

[Ronnie]

Well, living in 110 degrees with no air conditioner is insane. They didn't come up with this idea. You did. So they're like, oh, yeah, maybe 850 to live with no air conditioning. Sounds great. Sounds great. Let's consider this heavily crazy. So now how do you feel about the property? He's like, oh, wow, turnkey. Except for the, you know, air conditioning, not a big deal at all.

[Co-host]

So now Heather takes Audra and Paul to see a property with technology that's ideal for remote living. But getting there pushes Audra's nerves to the limit because she suddenly realized she has to take a river to get to her house.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Audra seems to be figuring this stuff out very slowly. So Heather's like, oh, my God, you guys are gonna love this one. There's a bit of a hike in. Okay. But it's worth it. Once you get to the deck. If we can park up next to it, Scott, hope you can do this. And this is where Scott's like, okay, this is challenging. Here's how we do it. It we go around here, and then we go 80 miles an hour and swerve in a whole circle. Are we all holding on? Do we have seat belts, and we back up right into this thing, right against the rocks. And I did it perfectly. Nailed it. Yes.

[Co-host]

So basically, to get to house number two, you have to go through class five rapids, which is the last class that's actually passable before you get to class six.

[Ronnie]

Fucking crazy. This is crazy. Okay. And the way that he parked that boat was hilarious. Thinking of Paul's wife trying to do this. Paul's not gonna do that.

[Co-host]

Paul's not gonna do this at all then, by the way, they don't even have a boat. That's what we find out over the course of the episode. They're doing all this. They haven't even purchased the boat yet. So they don't know. Not only do they not know how to drive the boat, they don't even have one in the first place.

[Ronnie]

So then once they get there, it's all rocks. So they have to crawl the rocks to hike up to the place. And then it's kind of up a little hill to get to the place. This place, it looks like absolute hell. And the house is decent.

[Co-host]

The house is okay. But this, this house is definitely giving more doomsday prepper vibes. This, the other one felt like an Airbnb. This one is kind of like, all right, it's a house. We have the bare bones furniture in here, although it can get more bare bones, as we will see on house number three. But this is just kind of like.

[Ronnie]

This is a dead and breakfast. This is, like, sad. This is scary. I mean, I don't know, maybe people are into corrugated metal siding. Like, I don't know.

[Co-host]

Yeah, this is not great. So it's.

[Ronnie]

It was like half a cute house.

[Co-host]

It's like almost a cute house, but it's not quite there. So now they're even farther away from town, farther away from medical, and they've got another nice view. But I mean, at this point, the views are all going to be the same. They're all going to be great views. And so they walk in and she's like, look at this open concept floor plan. It's like a tiny room. It's like not that big. And she's like, wow, look how open it is. And so there's this kitchen. There's got like a kitchen island that's all butcher block, but you can sort of sit at it and everything. And there's a lot of windows. So they like that.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. This one's 650. It's a three bedroom, one bath. And let's see, there's A filtration system, multiple generators, 650. Okay. So Paul's like, well, I like the price. And Heather's like, and look at this. It's a view of a river in a gorgeous.

[Co-host]

Again, you guys, you guys, could you imagine if you're the one person who like got a house in Hell's Canyon and did not have a view, well, we had to sacrifice the view. Like how do you sacrifice. You're all gonna have a view. How do you not have the view?

[Ronnie]

Is this the one with the wraparound deck or. That was the first one. Right.

[Co-host]

First one had like a wraparound deck. This one was just like a standard, kind of looked like a little lodge. It has a deck, but it's not like wraparound. So it's just, it's like a, it's just a very generic space. This one, it's not terrible, but it's just average. But the thing is. So they do have an air conditioner, but because this one doesn't have solar, this is the one that requires like many generators which all will require lots of fuel in order to run the air conditioning.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So he's like, oh God, we gotta go get the fuel and then we gotta bring the fuel back to run the thing. And Andre's like, but I like the openness. It reminds me of marriage. I mean, come on. And I like the square footage because you know, I'm not going to clean. What the fuck else are you going to do? Audra, there's nothing else to do there. Your house is going to be completely clean from top to bottom. There's literally nothing to do.

[Co-host]

There's nothing to do. So then they look at the bedrooms which are just like these square boxes of nothing. And she's like, oh, look at that. It's a two tone wall. This room is sad. And then they, they, there's a walk in shower and there's also an underground septic system. So you know.

[Ronnie]

Hey, yeah, I mean it's pretty normal. Yeah, septic's pretty normal for a place like that. But getting someone out there to service it, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where people come from. Like where do you get the workers? That's, that's my question. Like where do you get the help?

[Co-host]

So there's like a ton of generators.

[Ronnie]

There is a. That'd be nice for guests, but you know. Oh, because this, didn't this have one bathroom? Oh, it has an identical bedroom. Yeah. Okay. So she's like. And then here's the bathroom, walk in, shower. So they look at that and then Paul's like, wow, we got a whole house filter with a UV water sanitizer. I mean, that's the bee's knees right there. Wow.

[Co-host]

Yeah, sounds great. Almost makes up for the fact that you have to risk life and limb to get across Class 5 rapids to get to your house. But, you know, hey, you got a filter.

[Ronnie]

I was gonna hurt his back in the first five minutes in this house, I'm telling you that right now.

[Co-host]

And so they're like, well, I mean, this is nice. But like, you know, you know, she's like, it's the perfect size, you know, and has amazing views. But like. And there's enough space in here. But like, I just, I don't know how to drive a boat. Boat. And if there's ever an emergency, being able to drive a boat through rapids or rocks, that concerns me. It could be pretty dangerous. I mean, that could be life or death. Audra, I hate to tell you it's death or death.

[Ronnie]

To a river that you have to drive a boat. Audra. Like, I just don't understand what Audra's thinking. Does she want to live on the other side of the river where you don't have to drive a boat? It's never explained how she thinks she's going to get away with never learning to drive a boat and how she's using that as some bargaining thing. Like, well, you know, no, I don't know how to write a boat. Girl. Stop moving to rivers.

[Co-host]

Yeah, I know. She's like, well, you know, but the guys there is satellite Internet. She's like, oh, good. So that's really good in an emergency.

[Ronnie]

Good, I can watch some Netflix while Paul dies next to me.

[Co-host]

I can order something on ebay and watch it, watch Paul die. And then in three, three months, when it finally makes its way up to the river, shattered from all the rapids, I could be like, oh, yeah, that's the thing I got when Paul died.

[Ronnie]

Now this one's even more remote, but it might be too far flung for Audra. Dun dun dun. Now this one's crazy.

[Co-host]

This one. I'm like, why is this one even on the show?

[Ronnie]

I don't know, but this shit was funny because Heather's trying to be so positive still. She's like, oh, wow, this has been a long ride in. Don't you guys love long rides? I love long rides. Slug bug. This is great. I see a rock. Gotcha. So this is one hour from a boat launch and an additional hour of drive time. So it's two hours from the town, you know, five when it's raining, you don't make it when the gorge is closed due to falling rocks.

[Co-host]

7 When there's a coyote attack, you don't make it. You don't make it A shorter distance by saying, oh, it's one hour from the boat launch and an additional of drive time, it's still two hours. Okay, so then Paul goes, wow, that's a minute. It's two hours, not a minute.

[Ronnie]

It's 120 of them.

[Co-host]

So Audra again is like, you know, I don't know how to drive a boat yet. So for medical, you know, for medical, and if there's emergency, how are they going to come get it, you know? Well, it's the farthest out. But you do have close neighbors who are not doctors. So they can watch you while you, you writhe in pain because you've tripped on a rock and now your leg is touching your ear. But it's nice.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, neighbors are great out here. One of the positive things is you're surrounded by people who are also two hours from town and don't have anything to do either. So when somebody has a life threatening condition, everybody loves to just gather around and watch. So that'll be fun.

[Co-host]

And then we see once a week, the U.S. postal Service delivers mail to residents via jetboat. Yeah, so if you were thinking about using Instacart, it's not going to really work out so well. But we do have something called delay a cart. And you just put in your order for food and it comes rotten and decayed a week later.

[Ronnie]

The McDonald's hamburgers are green by the time they get here, but shockingly still decent.

[Co-host]

Yeah, it travels pretty well. Maybe not the fries.

[Ronnie]

Okay, so he's like, wow, price is such a big deal, you know, because this place comes with a boat. I mean, that's a huge concern. Boats aren't cheap as 150 grand for a good boat. So this place comes with a boat, Paul, it's not a good boat. Why don't you even ask what the boat is? How does the boat ride? Can we test drive the boat? Does it have a motor? No one's going to be like, hey, just give them the boat too. For a good boat.

[Co-host]

It's just a canoe. So. And Scott's there because he has to drive everyone around this guy. And he's like, yeah, well, this one has a lot better access, but the only problem is you can only have one. One boat. Here at a time. So does that mean that, like, all the neighbors share that, like, one parking spot for the boat? And then when, like, someone else needs to use it, you have to, like, move your boat to some other location.

[Ronnie]

Oh, yeah, where do you park the boat?

[Co-host]

They didn't really get into it, but I was like, okay, so now they go up to this place. Now this place is just a wretch, okay? It's like two buildings that. It's kind of like Candy and Todd's, like, houses in Atlanta. There's two identical buildings that are kind of, like, connected by a deck. And Heather's like, you know, it's very nice because when you have two families, friends, that way they can have their personal space. You can have your personal space. I'm like, there is not a single person who is staying overnight at this place that is an empty facility.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And aren't they sharing the same pooper, too?

[Co-host]

Yes. Yes, they are.

[Ronnie]

So this one, they have to walk really far up a hill, too, to get to. And there's a common deck area between the two places that they can. Which doesn't look great to me, you know, because you never really get privacy. And Heather's like, and guess what? This one doesn't have solar. So it's at the lower end of the budget. So that's something you can consider having installed. Wouldn't that be fun? Let me tell you what solar people love. Coming two hours outside of town to install. They love it. That's what we're gonna love them.

[Co-host]

So then they walk into this house, and it is so beyond shitty. There's like a. There's like one of those patio tables that sort of has that glass that sort of, like, weird. I don't know how you describe that. That glass in it, but you know where you pop out the glass when you need to move it? It has kind of like that pebble. And then there's like a folding chair. It gets, quote unquote furnished with patio furniture on the inside. There's just a fridge just. Just standing in the middle of the room. It's awful.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, this one is terrible. It's like a sawhouse. It's like a torture escape room. It's not good. And there's a wood stove in there. And he's like, is this the only heat source? And she's, oh, you know what? This is the only heat source. So you've got wood heat on this side as well as the guest quarters. Isn't that great?

[Co-host]

You know, this one doesn't have air conditioning either, but it is new construction. They keep saying it's new construction, as if that's gonna make up for any of the things that this place doesn't have, which is everything. Like, this one has no upside. This house. Like, normally there's a shitty house, but it has some sort of upside. Like it's the one with the view or it's closer to town. This one is actually the farthest from town, and it has the fewest things attached to it. I think the only upside is that it comes with a boat, I guess.

[Ronnie]

Oh, no, there's another one.

[Co-host]

Hold on.

[Ronnie]

Wait a minute. Here's the bathroom. It's a compost toilet. Isn't that fun? Great. Just mix your poo poo in there with whatever you ate that day. I don't know. Eventually it becomes something. Personally, I flush, but, you know, welcome to Hell's Canyons. You're gonna love it here. I can't wait for you to come to start living with your poo poo.

[Co-host]

Okay, well, where's the shower? Oh, you know what? This one doesn't have a shower. So what you do is you just stand outside and you just wait for the coyotes to line up and they just spit on you.

[Ronnie]

You just wait for Scott to come by practicing his donuts in the water. He'll eventually splash you.

[Co-host]

Just try to catch those waves from him.

[Ronnie]

So the kitchen sucks, too. And there's no stove. Oh, my. What is this place? So Heather's like, you know, there's not a stove here, but there's plenty of room on the deck for your barbecue. God, thank God the world never rains.

[Co-host]

Now you can have a barbecue and risk burning down the house that barely has anything in it in the first place. But we do have a refrigerator in the middle of the room, if you like that. You. Some of us pretend that it's like a little monument. You can pray down to it and reenact scenes from, like, you know, 2001 Space Odyssey. I don't know.

[Ronnie]

It's fun. He goes, well, we're going to have to get rid of some of this stuff. I mean, some of the furniture in that bunk bed and this. I mean, it's like, we'll have to get rid of something. Just. Oh, you know what? There are some guys that we know that have cargo boats, so we can set that up for you. They can only park there for 15 minutes, and they're about $19,000, but they're there, so can't wait to meet them.

[Co-host]

He's like, you Know, I'm probably struggling the most, you know, in this process of trying to live remotely, there's nothing's going to be acquired easily. I mean, everything involved with this is going to equal a lot of weight work. I'm like, so you could also just stay in the tiny town you came from. Okay, sir. Which would be no work whatsoever.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, just buy an acre somewhere. You know what I mean? Don't go so crazy. But it does have a boat. Audra says, I seen it. So she. Yes, it does come with a boat. Good, Audra. Good job. She goes, yes, there's some bonuses to this place and no one can name them.

[Co-host]

But, yeah, there was a. Such a terrible option at the end. This was clearly. I guess. I guess Heather was right when she said that, like, it's really hard to find properties on the river. Like, she must be telling the truth, because if this was the best that they could come up with for their third option, I mean, there's. I've seen very few places on house hunters that have had so few upsides.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, yeah, this was pretty bad. So now they have to decide on what they're going to do.

[Co-host]

I thought they were going to take house one, because house one just. You get all the perks of being on the river. It's closest to civilization. It's already set up. It's big, it's beautiful. I thought it'd be good. But then I was like, you know what? Knowing these people, these are not smart people. So they're probably going to choose something that's a little bit more upriver, which makes no sense. Like, you're going to get something worse. Get something worse that's harder to get to.

[Ronnie]

Well, house number one was way over budget, but he said that they had the money, so they still had that money. They should have gone with house number one, because even living in luxury like this is still going to be hellish. It's going to be very difficult. Number one had a wraparound deck. I mean, it was gorgeous, everything. But, yeah, to be living in. It's not going to be good to be living how they're living. They did not choose the one that's 10 hours away or whatever, so that's good. They chose the middle one, but yikes. I don't know. I worry for these two. I know.

[Co-host]

So they. They chose house number two. And so they. We see them getting there. They had to get an atv. Is that where they can move stuff? Stuff from the water all the way up to the house? And he's like, this is a dream come true. She goes, oh, yeah. You know, I look forward to living here every day. I mean, but it's different. I mean, I walked off the back porch and the rattlesnake jumped up and I ran and I screamed. I locked myself inside until Paul came up from the boat, which was about five days later. So, yeah, it's a bit of a challenge. It's like, well, really selling your choice.

[Ronnie]

And Paul got bit on the ankle and I actually had to suck the poison out. So, you know, it's bringing our love life back. So that was fun. I mean, rattlesnakes. I have rattlesnakes all over the place in Texas, and they're scary as hell, but after a while, you just get used to them. Like, ah, just walk around, you know, they don't like, jump at you, they rattle at you and stuff, which is helpful. One time I ordered a doordash and it never came. And so I texted the guy. I was like, where are you? He said, I'm here, I'm here. I can't come in. And I opened the door and he threw the food up the stairs and he's like, serpente. Serpent. And then ran off with his arms waving, like, literally waving, screaming down the road. And then I was like, what was the. Was that guy? Why was he saying serpent? And Carly said, snake. I looked down and sure enough, there's a huge rattlesnake curled up on the bottom step, just chilling. Wow. Yeah.

[Co-host]

I remember one time walking up my driveway and when I was a kid and I almost stepped on the. There's a snake just coiled up and I just almost stepped on it. It wasn't poisonous, but those snakes, they sometimes are just coiled up right there. It's unpleasant.

[Ronnie]

But when you're in a place, when you're in like a civilization, like, we had the snake rescue guy come over. We have this, like, local snake rescue guy, and he shows up in, like, jorts and like, weird facial hair, and he's like, well, I got the snake you were looking for. But, you know, I just re homed him. I said, how do you do that so fast? He's like, I put him in a lot next door. You know, it's empty. I was like, how is that rehoming it? Why would you put it in the lot next door? He's like, you want me get it back? I said, yeah. I said, how much is that going to cost? And he's like, well, you know, y' all pay me what you want to pay. I'm Just here to save. Save these snakes. You know, they go through a lot. So I'm here to. I'm here to help the snakes. But, you know, normally people pay around between five hundred and a thousand. I was like, okay, so when you wake up, how much do people pay you crazy to move a snake next door? Have you lost your goddamn mind, sir?

[Co-host]

Was it Rob from Love Island? It was Rob, wasn't it? He's like, sometimes that snake, he just.

[Ronnie]

Is a little friend.

[Co-host]

He needs to go somewhere. Anyway, these two dum dums, they've got their house. Best of luck. Good luck with your medical emergencies and your groceries and your gasoline.

[Ronnie]

They're having so much fun bringing all that gasoline back. And yeah, they're going back. I mean, listen, it takes all types. They seem like they're happy. I can't imagine ever meeting anybody that I would want to move to Hell's Gorge in with, but they did so good for them. You know, there's a pot for every lid.

[Co-host]

I do every pot, every. Paul ends it by saying, with all the distractions of modern life, just made it more easy to become engaged with one another. Like the distractions of modern life again. He really is acting like he's living in midtown Manhattan.

[Ronnie]

But now your distractions are literally of modern life. You have to get on an ATV that's a machine that runs with gas, and then you have to take a boat that runs with gas to a car, to a store to buy all of this gasoline, which is a pretty modern amenity to haul all the way back and start all over.

[Co-host]

Like, he has to deal with all the hassles of modern life without any of the upsides.

[Ronnie]

All of this because of one guy with eyeliner in a Starbucks. For sake.

[Co-host]

Hopefully a hilarious episode. Thank you so much for recommending it. And Madeline.

[Ronnie]

Yes.

[Co-host]

Yeah. And if you have a good suggestion for a House Hunters episode, write us. Dwell. Hello, Suggestion in your subject to watch.

[Ronnie]

Whatcrapinsmail.com yes, everybody, thanks so much. We love you. We'll talk to you next time.

[Co-host]

Bye Bye. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Greetings Adventurers is the longest running Dungeons and Dragons actual play comedy podcast that has been putting out episodes each and every week since 2012.

[Ronnie]

And we think you'd love it.

[Co-host]

But don't take our word for it.

[Ronnie]

Take theirs.

[Co-host]

The thing I love most about Greetings Adventurers is the interactive community. I've been listening for 10 years and.

[Ronnie]

Now I'm a sophomore in college the.

[Co-host]

Audience podcast I've ever listened to for that long. There's nothing better.

[Ronnie]

There's no limit on what might happen.

[Co-host]

So just be prepared.

[Ronnie]

Top tier comedy right here.

[Co-host]

The best representation of sitting around with a group of idiots playing D and D. And it's not something you're just watching, it's something that you're experiencing. Download. Greetings adventurers. Wherever you listen to podcasts. Can't wait to see the next episode. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcast everywhere. ACAS combination.