Dwell Hello #514: Finicky in Falkirk, Scotland

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens

Episode: Dwell Hello #514: Finicky in Falkirk, Scotland

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Release Date: July 4, 2025

---

Overview

In this episode, Ben and Ronnie recap and eviscerate the House Hunters International episode titled “Finicky in Falkirk, Scotland” (Season 199, Episode 4). The focus is on Kenny, a quirky and indecisive Hawaiian moving to Falkirk, Scotland. The hosts hilariously dissect Kenny’s bizarre requirements, questionable reasons for relocating, and stubborn inability to compromise, while riffing on Scottish culture and the classic challenges of House Hunters.

---

Key Discussion Points

Who Is Kenny? (01:46–05:34)

• Kenny is introduced as a "hot guy," a 40-something Hawaiian moving to Scotland for “nature” and “cheap real estate,” despite never signing a lease or buying furniture before.
• Ben and Ronnie are instantly suspicious of his motivations:
  • “He’s a kind of good looking guy… who’s never even had to sign a lease. So I think that means this is Kenny’s first time moving out of his mom’s house.” (Ronnie, 02:46)
  • They joke Kenny “killed somebody in Hawaii” or is fleeing a mystery.
• Kenny is perceived as both clueless and possibly hiding something, sparking ongoing speculation about his backstory and financial status.

Kenny’s Absurd Criteria & Indecision (05:34–16:38)

• Kenny wants two bedrooms, two bathrooms, walkability to shops, proximity to nature, and no need for a car—all for $180,000.
  • “This is one of the rare House Hunters episodes where his needs are so contradictory that budget is not really even an issue…it’s just trying to make all of his finicky requests come true.” (Ben, 15:19)
• The hosts roast Kenny’s contradictory thinking:
  • He wants city access and rural tranquility, but won’t drive and expects everything to be in walking distance.
  • “He doesn’t want to have to drive. So he wants to be able to walk everywhere but also be in nature. In downtown.” (Ronnie, 16:30)
• His lack of basic adulting skills—like not understanding what an ottoman is or how noise dampens indoors—leads to frequent exasperated rants.

The House Tour: Room for Roasts

House #1: The Downtown Bachelor Pad (17:38–22:46)

• A stylish, fully furnished city apartment that “feels like an adult film set.”
• Kenny nitpicks: the tufted ottoman confuses him, the table’s dusty, the fridge is dented, and a bus stop means “too loud.”
  • “He literally walks up to the window and he goes, ‘Wow, that’s where the bus is… it doesn’t sound as loud as if you were outside.’ Yeah, that’s what a wall does, Kenny.” (Ronnie, 21:35)

House #2: The Nature “Blank Slate” (27:08–30:35)

• Essentially isolated suburbia—no furniture, strange layouts, and “nature” is just a rainy, grassy plain.
• Kenny whines about the kitchen size and logistics of taking the bus with groceries, despite demanding nature and quiet:
  • “He’s describing all the things that he wants that you’d get with car privilege. But he doesn’t actually want to buy the car.” (Ben, 30:35)

House #3: The Pedestrian Modern Flat (34:17–35:59)

• Ultra-modern downtown flat with neon decor and no car noise, but next to a bell tower.
• Kenny’s new complaint: constant bell-ringing and “not enough nature.” The hosts have fun running bell-sounds incessantly.
  • “Wait a minute, though, Laura, you promised me nature!” (Kenny, paraphrased by Ben, 35:05)
  • “Well, and then they are so funny… you just hear, bong, bong, bong, bong, the entire scene.” (Ben, 35:46)

Frustrated Real Estate Agent & Running Jokes

• Laura, the agent, is at her wits' end: “I think he’s a bit overwhelmed. And that’s a nice way of saying stupid.” (Ronnie, 19:50)
• The narrator extras (Linda) get progressively snarkier, openly calling Kenny an idiot.
• Kenny’s inability to commit or process basic decisions becomes a motif.

Culture Clashes and Memorable Moments

• Kenny tries on a kilt (“felt like it might have been the beginning of an adult film”) and tries haggis for the first time, grimacing at Scottish culture.
  • “You can’t keep making this face every time you try a local thing. You’re gonna be kicked out of Scotland before you—” (Ben, 23:53)
• Ronnie and Ben speculate about Kenny’s profession. A quick internet search reveals he’s a seasoned TV production coordinator, confirming their suspicions about reality TV fakery and reinforcing his vagabond backstory (13:21–14:44).
• Linda: “But that realization continues to elude Kenny.” (22:47)

Finale: The Decision (36:39–38:13)

• Kenny shockingly chooses House #2—furthest from town, least practical, and least appealing—so he can be “in nature” but now must haul groceries on a bus.
• Both hosts and listeners are left exasperated.
• “He chooses the one with no worries, the worst shapes, the least livable, and the furthest from town.” (Ronnie, 37:11)
• Closing roast: He tastes local soda Irn Bru and dismisses it; one last dig at everything Scottish.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “This episode is special because the man on it is something’s. We don’t know what’s going on with this guy, but he’s a dope.” (Ronnie, 01:20)
• “Who leaves Hawaii to come to Scotland. Have you lost your goddamn marbles, man?” (Ronnie, 05:03)
• “You know, I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to Scotland.” (Ben, 08:58, parodying Kenny)
• “He’s one of those people who goes to places and then shows the place his armpits, and that’s his gift to the place.” (Ronnie, 08:36)
• “Maybe everyone’s right and I don’t know how to commit.” (Kenny, paraphrased by Ben, 33:05)
• “Will Kenny’s limitless indecision finally derail his hunt? I’m getting sick of this motherfucker.” (Linda, 31:42)
• “The number one for me was number one, but he goes for number two…with no worries, the worst shapes, the least livable, and the furthest from town.” (Ronnie, 37:11)

---

Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:20 – Introduction to the episode and Kenny’s character.
• 04:20 – Kenny’s reasons for fleeing Hawaii.
• 05:34 – Kenny’s impossible housing wish list.
• 16:38 – Nature vs. walkability dilemma.
• 17:38 – Tour of House #1; ottoman and noise complaints.
• 27:08 – Tour of House #2; rural isolation and blank slate.
• 34:17 – Tour of House #3; bell tower bell sound gag.
• 36:39 – Final house decision: Kenny picks the worst option.

---

Tone & Style

The episode is filled with caustic wit, sharp banter, relentless roasts of both show and subject, and affectionate mockery consistent with Ben and Ronnie’s comedic “we mock because we love” approach.

---

Takeaway

This recap expertly skewers the typical House Hunters formula and the particularly confounding behavior of Kenny, using equal parts improv comedy and pop culture riffs. New listeners will find the podcast both a hilarious takedown and a surprisingly insightful look at real estate reality TV absurdities.

---

Recommended If: You love Bravo snark, hate indecisiveness, or want to laugh at the mad logic of House Hunters. Expect lots of sarcasm, fast punchlines, and the feeling you’re laughing with smart friends at the TV.

---

Transcript

[A]

Maybe you like cooking, maybe you don't. Either way, the new Blue Apron is for you. Because along with our classic meal kits, we're offering new pre made and one pan meals to help you get dinner on the table fast. And now there is no subscription needed so you can just order and enjoy. Do delicious food your way. Shop 100/[e-mail] Get 50% off your first two orders with code apron50. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more.

[B]

Well, hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben.

[A]

Hi, Rondolo. How are you?

[B]

I'm doing well. Guys, today we have a very special episode of Dwell.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

It's special because the man on it is something's. We don't. We don't know what's going on with this guy, but he's a dope. And it's one of those where I just wanted to show up with a fly swatter and kind of hit this person on the face with it over and over and just tell them to, you know, focus, get through it, you can do this. And also, nature isn't a city and city isn't nature. You know, it's like little things you have to explain. This episode is House Hunters international. It's season 199, episode four. It's called finicky in Falkirk, Scotland. So if you want to find this, we found it on Max. Just search Finicky in Falkirk and it'll come up. Yeah.

[A]

So we begin with some upbeat bagpipe music, which really is the best kind of bagpipe music. Much better than that sad funeral bag of pipe music.

[B]

You know, just going to say it's an oxymoron.

[A]

Who wants to hear that when you can hear that? Which I think is actually more Irish, but whatever.

[B]

When we were in Ireland, I heard some bagpipe karaoke as I was walking around the streets. That was interesting. Wow.

[A]

I saw a man holding a bag and a pipe. Wasn't quite a bagpipe though.

[B]

That was me.

[A]

He definitely had a rough time with Ronnie. The tailpipe was so awkward in Ireland. I was like, ronnie, why did you take that tailpipe off the car? You said, I wanted a souvenir. I was like, okay, well, it won't stop you.

[B]

So we see Kenny. Kenny's a hot guy. He's a kind of good looking guy. He's a Hawaiian, right? He's from Hawaii. Is that where he was born? But he's like, maybe I would say like a 40 something year old man who's never even had to sign a lease. So I think that means this is Kenny's first time moving out of his mom's house. Is that what you got too?

[A]

I think that's, I think that's what it was. Yes, I think that's, I think that was what was. What was implied by it. So Linda says Kenny spent two decade the Globe, so he's finally ready to settle down and buy his first house in beautiful Hawaii. Wait, I'm sorry, he is leaving Hawaii? Did I read that correctly? Was there a typo here? Leaving, not moving to.

[B]

Do people do that? Haven't really ever heard of that. I didn't know that Hawaii even had immigration.

[A]

Do we know what sort of boulder fell on his head in Hawaii that made him want to make this ridiculous decision?

[B]

So basically I'm opening the show by telling you that Kenny makes terrible decisions and he's kind of an idiot. Let's check in with him. So then we meet Kenny and Kenny's like, Hawaii has become so unaffordable. So I'm, I'm moving to Scotland. He does this weird, guttural, crazy person laugh. Kenny killed somebody in Hawaii is what's happening. You're moving to Scotland? What are you doing? You trying to be part of your own murder mystery show?

[A]

Who moves from Hawaii? Scotland looks beautiful. I've been wanting to go to Scotland for many years now, especially with the rise of the traders. But I'm sorry, if you're moving to Scotland from Hawaii, then something, something has fundamentally gone awry in your life. Like you committed murder. This does not make sense.

[B]

He committed murder. I mean, look, he says he wants to move from Hawaii to Scotland for the n, which is cra. I mean, you're going to get nature, you're going to get rain, okay? And a lot of gorgeous cliffs and hills.

[A]

And he also wants, it's just. Yeah, he also wants to have access to quick flights to go around Europe. I'm like, so why like a random corner of Scotland? Why are you not like in Portugal or Italy or like somewhere central in Europe that's warm or whatever? I just don't understand. So we see him like doing all sorts of fun stuff, including walking around with his property expert, Laura McCullum. And so Linda says first time home buying in a new country is daunting. But the real challenge is to understand what the hell this man is thinking at any given moment. I'm at a professional loss.

[B]

The real challenge is Kenny himself. What a fucking moron. He's like, I have trouble choosing what shirt to put on in the morning.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Laura McCallum just goes, oh, dear. Oh, God. And this chick doesn't even fake it because it's not like one of those countries where people are going to fake it for you. She's like, this man's a fucking idiot. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this goddamn idiot. What a fool who leaves Hawaii to come to Scotland. Have you lost your goddamn marbles, man?

[A]

So now we see, we the, the show opens, you know, now we're done opening credits and we see Kenny and he's gone into a shop to learn how to wear a kilt. He's like, I've been told I need to learn how to wear a kilt. And the clerk is like, oh, you definitely are. Yeah, that's a good side of Scotchman. So he puts on his kilt. He looks actually very good in his kilt. It was like this felt like it might have been the beginning of an adult film a little bit too.

[B]

He looks and acts like a porn star. I'm not porn star, but porn person. Like porn?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Born B. B list or whatever. C list performer. Porn performer. Yeah. He's good looking. He's very muscular and I guess that's why he's traveling around all the time. That's what good people do. You want to run out of locals to fuck? I guess so. Yeah. He tries on his kilt and he looks great. Kenny Henderson, guys, In case you're googling him. So then we, we get to Kenny and he's like, I'm a passionate traveler and like, I experience cultures and see how locals live. So yeah, I work in the entertainment and events.

[A]

Industry.

[B]

Like you do not. You, you suck dick somewhere, Kenny. Let's just be honest. Just be.

[A]

I think he, Yeah, I don't know. Like, I feel like he, he's like a, like, I don't know, he juggles or something. I feel like he's like elevating like his role doing something. He's like, well. And since I'm not tied to any specific company, I think I'm in a unique position to pick up a move anywhere I want. So I've been all over the world and then one of like a million Polaroids being around the world and I, I, I've decided to live in a cold, foggy place.

[B]

So we see him scaling a mountainside, posing at Machu Picchu and, and at a temple overlooking green mountains. And he's like, yeah, Like, I've worked jobs that have brought me all over this planet. I love life. I love adventures. But, you know, I spent so many thousands of dollars on a property in Hawaii I wasn't even using. We don't have to sign leases there or purchase. So I'm confused with his story because he sends it. He says he wasted all this money, but then he said he never signed a lease. So I'm confused what Kenny's story is here.

[A]

Well, maybe he. Maybe he just bought and didn't rent. I'm not sure. All I know is that half of this episode is looking at Polaroids of him, like, with his arms out, being like, here I am at another generic scenic vista. I'm like, we get it. You travel.

[B]

Okay? Yeah. He's one of those people who goes to places and then shows the place his armpits, and that's his gift to the place. I'm like, congrats on working on your delts. But no one needs you. No one needs that. Okay? I barely take it from the Statue of Liberty. I was offended every day passing that thing when I lived in Staten Island. I'm like, nobody needs to smell you, France. All right, put your arm down.

[A]

Well, then Kenny says, you know, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run. And I took the hand of a preacher of man and we made love in the sun But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free I've been to paradise but I've never been to Scotland I'm moving to Scotland.

[B]

Hawaii's expensive real estate priced poor, poor Kenny out of the market. But this Europhile wanted a more central base camp for his travels anyway. And Hawaii said, bye, you smell. We don't like you anyway. Get out of here, Kenny. Stop showing your armpits to the mountains.

[A]

Yeah, I hate this. It's like. Well, he didn't like Hawaii in the first place. Why stupid. I'm like, no, Kenny, don't lie to us and don't lie to yourself. What happened in Hawaii that is making you flee the state? Because I'm telling you right now, you are not. You're not leaving Hawaii for. For where you're moving. Like, where he winds up here. I just don't. I just don't believe you're leaving paradise for this. I'm sorry, I don't.

[B]

Yeah, so he wants to be in Europe, okay? Because there's green, there's mountain, there's locks. And, you know, the first time he visited Falkirk, I loved it. I fell in love with castles and histories. Oh, my God. And it's affordable. So he's going there because it's cheap, you know, which I think is a good reason. And he says it has everything he needed. And he saw the gears turned when he saw the prices. So he's never been a homeowner before and he's never even bought furniture before.

[A]

He'd never been in a home, actually. He was born in a field in Hawaii and he was raised there until just right now.

[B]

Yeah, so see, he's also a compulsory. He's the Nell.

[A]

Because he says he's the Nell of Hawaii.

[B]

He's just, you know, like, making. What did Nell do? Did she make. Wasn't she speaking to aliens or something?

[A]

I never saw Nell. But wasn't it that she was, like, discovered and she, like, never been around humans?

[B]

Yeah, but then wasn't she speaking to aliens or was that mov. That was the movie with the redhead chick.

[A]

That was Contact, I think. But I love the idea of mixing them together. It's like, wasn't it crazy when Nell spoke to the aliens and then the aliens said that they liked fava beans and a glass of Keanji?

[B]

The Silence of the Lambs now. So he's never bought furniture. This guy is helpless and he's in his 40s. I would just like to say he doesn't know how to. But he's, like, literally freaking out about having to buy furniture in it. He's like, but I've never bought furniture before, bro. What does this lady need to hold her hand for? Everything. Because McCallum is not having it, I'll tell you that. Chef, you fucking moron. It's called the couch. Can he sit down on it?

[A]

I put on my best gray woolen pashmina just to listen to this bullshit. So. So he's doing this whole thing about how you never own furniture, etc, which I think is like. He's saying it like, isn't that so funny? But I'm like, that's sad. You're just sad. Even have a chair. Come on. I'm sure you have bought a chair at some point in your life. So we then see this every episode. We always have the place where someone starts and where they move, and then an arrow goes flying across the globe. This one was going for a long time. I was like, he's really moving. This line is. Half the episode is watching this line get across the globe to Scotland from Hawaii. I was like, this is a lot of work.

[B]

Yeah. With a long squiggle and he tells us that he's been saving up because he doesn't want a loan. He just wants to own something. So that's it.

[A]

He's killed someone. He's. He has murdered someone. He does not want a loan. Are you kidding me? Is he going to show up with a briefcase full of cash?

[B]

Yeah, basically. And here's what I say. This is the person you want to murder because Kenny's got a lot of cash. You know, Kenny has just made himself very attractive to murderers because they know he's going to be isolated and they know he's got a shit ton of cash. Let's get him.

[A]

I just want to know what is going on in Kenny's life. He's an entertainment contractor. He is going to pay for this house all in cash. He's leaving Hawaii for Scotland. Something is not adding up here.

[B]

It's not adding up. He's. He's like an only fans person or something. Because I don't understand how you're a party contractor all over the world. Like people aren't going to call you from Hawaii to come throw them a party in like la, right? Or do.

[A]

Is he a singer? Kenny Anderson. I'm. I have to look him up now.

[B]

I E. Kenny Withers.

[A]

I found him right away. He's a production court. He's a production coordinator, the Talent Manager. Over 20 years of experience in television and events production in a wide variety of roles about including locations scout, locations manager.

[B]

Oh, gee. Let's see if there's a House Hunters in here. I'll bet there is. I'll bet he did something at House Hunters. This makes more sense because I went on a game show once and I couldn't say I was a podcaster. I had to say I was a party planner. So this actually makes sense.

[A]

Something is weird here. So on his little bio here, it says MTV awards and many reality TV shows. MTV networks from December 2000 to August. So he spent 22 years working at MTV. Basically. He also worked on Joe Millionaire.

[B]

Oh, wow. That's crazy because we're going to be Talking about the McBee dynasty this week, which also started with Joe Millionaire.

[A]

What?

[B]

No, not Joe Millionaire. It started with I want to marry a millionaire. Well, I think it was called Joe Millionaire. The main guy, the big muscular guy from McBee, Steve. Steve Jr. He was on like Joe Millionaire or something. And that's where he met Kala, that dummy Kala that he's with. Wow. Yeah, wow.

[A]

Okay, it all comes together. So it looks like he worked at.

[B]

Joe Millionaire winner.

[A]

I still don't trust this guy.

[B]

Yeah, Steve's hot. Okay, so back to this other guy. Yeah, so I guess he's in TV production, which makes a lot more sense because he had a lie. Okay. So that's why he's been everywhere. He's been everywhere on MTV's Nine. So Laura is like, well, Falkirk is less than an hour from Edinburgh and Edinburgh and an hour away from. From Glasgow. So it's central, which makes it up and coming. You know, it's one. It's an hour from here, an hour from there. No one has to deal with Kenny. So really, Falkirk wins. Let's just put Kenny in a hole somewhere for $5 rid of him.

[A]

So, you know, it's a little bit of a pressure on me to make sure that it's the right property for him, but it's nothing that a little woolen pashmina can't fix. So then we see them walking on the streets, and his wish list is he wants it to be quiet. He wants two beds, two bath, because apparently he does have friends somewhere. He wants to be walkable to shops, but he also wants to be near nature. And his budget is $180,000. The quiet. This is one of the rare House Hunters episodes where his needs are so contradictory. That budget is not really even an issue on this show. Like, normally, that's a big thing. Like, oh, it's over budget, it's under budget, whatever. They don't even care about it here. It's just trying to make all of his finicky requests come true.

[B]

Yeah. And they try and explain it to him, which is so funny because she's like, okay, this is Falkirk. It's not a huge place. So here's the downtown, here's the stores and goes. But there's no nature here. She was right, because it's downtown. So if you want to be outside of downtown, that's where the nature is. It's like, great. And then they go to the other. The nature place. He's like, but wait a minute. I can't walk anywhere. I don't have a car. Because he doesn't want a car.

[A]

On top of everything else.

[B]

Yeah, he doesn't want to have to drive. So he wants to be able to walk everywhere but also be in nature. In downtown.

[A]

Yeah. So she starts him downtown because she's like, okay, I know. He says he wants nature, but, like, what's the point of moving to Scotland if you're. Or to Falkirk if you're not even gonna Live in the city, right? So she's like, I'll start him there. Which by the way, if you love nature so much, why are you not staying in Hawaii? Just answer me that. So he's like, well, this is great. It's convenient in the Supermarke markets right there and the pubs and the restaurants. But I do prefer nature. It's just, just what I grew up with. And you know, there are also about three bus stops. Just convenient for catching the bus. I also noticing you guys don't have any beach nearby. Do you have any surfing? It's just what I grew up with. Do we have. Sort of hoping you have some surf spots around here.

[B]

Hopefully you guys have fire dancing. Do you have that here? No. Any volcanoes? Yeah, volcanoes would be great because I, I grew up around this guinea.

[A]

Where's the shaved ice? Do we have the shaved ice spot around here somewhere?

[B]

Do you sell spam? Tell me you sell Spam. God damn it.

[A]

Why don't you come out?

[B]

Here we go. Look at house number one, which, by the way, spoiler alert, he doesn't pick it. And it's the most amazing one. It's great. It's the best one. It's a bachelor, but I mean it's huge. And it has the kitchen. It's a perfect travel.

[A]

Nice color scheme.

[B]

It's very fashionable, but without being like overly modernized. You know, they didn't slap white marble on everything. And some shiplap. Like most of these. Like, it's gorgeous. It's got style. It's fully furnished, well furnished. It's great.

[A]

Yeah, there's, there's. They got these nice dark green walls. The, the fridge is banged up for reasons we don't really understand. Why I'm just going to assume there was like some frat boys living there.

[B]

Oh, like I never run out of milk.

[A]

Like you've never just held a hammer and banged on your fridge once in.

[B]

A while you get out of your fridge. I'm like out of milk again. God, it's like I blame the fridge for drinking.

[A]

The table is also beaten up. Like there was definitely like some partying happening here, but like, by and large everything is nice. So Kenny is like walking to the living room and he's like confused because there's like a big sofa. It's like a, it's like a sectional. It's like L shaped and it has one of those. It's not really a coffee table, but it's one of those. What do you call it when it has the buttons in the, in the Upholstery, tufted. There's a big tufted square. And he's like, I don't even know what that is. That's crazy. What is that thing?

[B]

It's an ottoman. He's like, what? I don't understand. And then he walks up to the table and he feels it and he goes, it's kind of dusty. You're not searching for tables, Kenny.

[A]

Okay, sir, do you. Do you want to maintain your streak of not having to buy furniture? Because this place has all the furniture you could ever want.

[B]

It's the nicest furniture, too. It's all tasteful, tufted, gorgeous. And he's like, gross. So it's like, yeah. Then the fridge is dented, and then the table's dusty. Like, I feel like maybe there's too much furniture. Like. Cause there's a couch here and then a couch there, and then there's a couch there.

[A]

Kenny.

[B]

If you buy the place, you can move out the furniture. It's not about the furniture, Kenny.

[A]

Yes, you can get rid of it. You can actually donate it to someone who might need it. Okay.

[B]

This is not a bright person. So Laura's like, I think he's a bit overwhelmed. And that's a nice way of saying stupid. So it's a large flat, it's got a lot of furniture. He's never had that. So he might be thinking, I've got furniture. How do I get out of it? How do I get it out of the house? Which I think is what he's thinking, you know? But you have to make some effort at some point, Kenny.

[A]

So they go into the bedroom and then there's nice. This nice ensuite bathroom that's really huge. And there's like a second bedroom that has bunk beds. And he's like, bunk beds for the kids. I don't have and never will have. Stop looking at me that way. Laura. These pipes our clothes for business. She's like, I wasn't looking at you that way at all. Ah, yeah, you were. You want me. But it could be a little bit smaller. I mean, I don't know if you have guests over. And she's like, well, yeah. All right, let me just. Let me show you the main bathroom. So they go into a perfectly good, like, renovated, updated bathroom. And he's. And it has like a Jacuzzi style bathtub. He's like, I don't know. It's no shower.

[B]

Can he.

[A]

How did. It's a beautiful bathroom with a. With a Jacuzzi.

[B]

And she's like, well, the bathroom. The shower's in the ensuite in the main bedroom. And he's like, but then if I have guests, then they have to shower in my shower. Gross. And my guests will be children because there's only a bunk bed. I can only have children guests. And what am I supposed to take a shower with somebody's kids? What are you trying to do to me, Laura? She's like, oh, my God. Dumb ass person.

[A]

And then the biggest crime of all is that there's a bus outside. So now he's like, I mean. I mean, I'm supposed to like, that's a lot of noise, that bus that's out there. I'm like, it's literally just a bus. Also.

[B]

He literally walks up to the window and he goes, wow, that's where the bus is. I mean, it doesn't sound as loud as if you were outside. Yeah, that's what a wall does, Kenny. Okay. It dampens. Fucking sound. Like, everything Kenny says. I've just, like, put my head.

[A]

Why are you moving to a city if you don't want to hear the city? Sounds funny that.

[B]

He's like, outside it made more noise, but inside it doesn't make as much noise.

[A]

It's weird how that happens. That's a strange phenomenon. It's also clear that, like, I also just hate when people leave one place and then the new place they move to, they want to be just like the place they left. He's like. He's like, yeah, it's not quiet here. You know, it's not quiet. It's also, like, not 75 degrees and has left. Like, I don't feel like I've got sunkissed air on me. It's like, why did you leave Hawaii if everything that you want is everything you're getting in Hawaii?

[B]

Yeah. He's like, why is it always gray here? Where do you guys tan? I just grew up with that check. That's Scotland, yo. God damn. So she goes, what does Linda say? She's like, wow. She says something like, wow.

[A]

She says something so snarky.

[B]

Have to compromise. Because Laura's like, kenny's gonna have to compromise. And he's looking for something that has everything he wants. And then Linda goes. But that realization continues to elude Kenny.

[A]

Kenny's an idiot. I'll just say it. She's over.

[B]

They're. Both of these women are so over Kenny. So he goes to have Scottish tapas, including haggis, with his friend, who I don't even believe is his friend. Honestly, his friend Never looks at him or speaks to him. And Kenny's like, I guess I'll try the veggie haggis. I'll try that one. And then we find out what haggis is.

[A]

And he's like, traditional haggis is a mix of sheep's awful with vegetables and spices cooked in cheap's stomach. They like to call it the Kenny of meats.

[B]

In Scotland, veggie haggis is just stupid stuff. We call veggie haggis. So stupid people like Kenny will eat it. And then Kenny takes a bite of it and it's like, dude, you're gonna be a local here. You can't keep making this face every time you try a local thing. He's like, I mean, I guess it's okay. You're gonna be kicked out of Scotland before you.

[A]

You will be.

[B]

Don't mess with.

[A]

If people who knew me were to describe me in three words, they would say, I'm kind. I try to embrace the aloha spirit even when I'm not in Hawaii. Number two would be adventurous because I work gigs around the world and crave adventure. And third would be unique or abnormal since I've taken the road less traveled in life. I've also heard scary, strange, indecisive, and generally annoying. I don't know if that counts as one words or two.

[B]

I thought it was funny at this part because they clearly asked him, okay, Kenny, tell us about yourself. He's like, I don't know. Okay, Kenny, just tell us if there were three words to describe you. And he goes, well, kind, tall. Also, this took 20 minutes and he still never came out with anything he said. But his last one, he's like. But abnormal. Maybe because nobody has a friend like me.

[A]

I know that the laugh that he did, he gets progressively stranger across the episode. In the beginning, I was like, I mean, this guy seems, like, fine. He sort of doesn't have personality, but he's fine. But by the end of the episode, I was like, get this man off. That's my tv. I can't stand him anymore. So he's like. He's talking about how it's one thing to rent a place internationally for a month, but it's another to uproot and buy a home for a new life abroad. He's like, yeah, this bit, the challenge is really hard to find nearly everything I want in my home. But, you know, as long as it's close to surfing. Coconut, Coconuts. If there could be a coffee farm nearby, that would be great. And I don't know, maybe some papayas and banana bread.

[B]

So we see on the screen, summer in Falkirk features an average high of about 65 degrees Fahrenheit, whereas Hawaii's average summer temperature is 85. Stupid Kenny. So Kenny's like, I just wish it was hotter here. And Laura's like, well, listen, I can understand the move from Falkirk to Hawaii. That's a win, but I don't really get the Hawaii to Falkirk. What the fuck are you doing, Kenny?

[A]

Yeah, you're not alone. My friends and family would say the same if they were still alive, but I don't know. Mysterious fire happened, but it's just become so unaffordable. Prices have skyrocketed. I love the idea of being able to take short, direct flights to all my favorite places in Europe. But alas, Hawaii has just gotten too crowded. There's no more room for me. You know that there's other islands, right? What?

[B]

The very least, there's Florida, Kenny. What? Jesus.

[A]

There's literally islands on Florida, too. What? There's also a Caribbean.

[B]

What? Spell it. I don't believe you. Okay, so then Laura's like, oh, God, this Kenny's so indecisive. Does he want quiet in nature, which puts him further outside of town without a car, or does he want centralized with AM that don't require driving, that don't have nature? What the fuck? So now we go see house number two, and they are out of town center, which means they're far, because it's not like a regular place where the suburb is maybe 10 minutes outside of town. It's like an hour, you know, or.

[A]

45 minutes in the middle of nowhere in a generic space that's. The landscape is pretty because the Scotland, of course, is pretty, but there's like, nothing around. And they go to this building, which is totally unremarkable outside and in. And it's just the. It's called house number two is a blank slate because there's, like, no furniture in it. All the rooms are strange shape. They're all, like, different angles and, like, it's just, like, weird. It just feels stuffy in there to me. Like, you can tell this is one of those places where, like, you have to have the heater on all, like, all winter until you say, okay, it is time for me to shut off the heater. And then it's like, off, you know, it's like you can't just, like, turn on and off. It's like you have to, like, do something in the boiler Room. And I just automatically did not like this space.

[B]

And they see, they keep saying nature, but it's not like you look outside and there's rolling hills of green and a waterfall. It's not like that. It's just grass. It's really just grass. And then you see the road, a rainy road, you know, and he's like, wow, nature. Oh, my God, this guy get a plant. So this is a two bedroom, one bath. It's on the second floor. It's in nature. It's far as fuck from town. It's not walkable. He doesn't have a car. And it's 120 grand, which is way under budget. But, bro, you're very far away.

[A]

Yeah, like very, very far away. So just, like, looking around, and he's like, well, I don't hear too much noise. That's good. That's because the nearest person is three hours from you.

[B]

Everyone else who lives in this building is a ghost. They've already died. Kenny.

[A]

This is where we house people who got eliminated from the Traitors. I'm not gonna lie.

[B]

So it's just outside, like, how dare. He's bad.

[A]

The drag queen in there. So Kenny goes into this. There's a one thing I will say about this place, it has a nice sized kitchen. And he goes. He walked in. He's like, wow, small kitchen. Excuse me, sir, you don't even own a place and you're gonna comment on the size of the kitchen? And she's like, I don't think it's that small. I think it's a decent size. She's like, you're in Europe. This is palatial.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like, but I can't fit a dining room table in here. She goes, well, yeah, but you do that in the other room where there's a dining room. Let me show you. And he's like, oh, I guess you could put a dining room in here. Yeah, that's why it's called a dining room, you stupid motherfucker.

[A]

He's like, I didn't know how to do it because buying my own furniture is a foreign thing to me. This place is a blank slate to work with. But I've been given blank canvases in art class in the past, and I don't really have anything to do with them except doodle and get a failing grade. I've been told that my personality is like a blank slate, but I don't really know what that means.

[B]

This was some insight into his life, though. He goes to art class they give him a canvas and he just doodles and fails and he thinks it's great. He's like, isn't that amazing? Fails art class, Kenny. All you have to do is put paint and call it some. Call it your feelings. Kenny.

[A]

Well, you finally delivered on the nature I've been asking you for. She's like, thank you. She's like, that felt a little aggressive, but that's fine.

[B]

He is aggressive with her, and he keeps being like you. You promised me nature. Lori. You. Where's the nature? Is bus nature now, Lori, Is the bus made out of bush? Lord.

[A]

It's like, yeah, I have to take a bus. Ew, God. I don't want it. I don't want to have to buy a car, but now I have to drive a bus. Gross. I don't want any of it. I'm gonna have to hold my own groceries. He now he's like. He's describing all the things that he wants that you'd get with car privilege. He's like, but he doesn't actually want to buy the car. He's like, what? I have to go on a vehicle where I can't even control the radio? What's even the point?

[B]

Yeah. He's like, yeah, a bus. That's crazy, because then I'll have to take a bus to the city center, and then I'll have to go to the grocery store, but then I'll have to take the groceries on the bus. That's going to be really hard. Laura. She's like, yeah, that's why you live in the city center, you fucking dick suck.

[A]

Does the bus have a trunk I can put my groceries in? And I don't know, is there. Is there a USB port where I could plug in my phone and listen to music?

[B]

Does the bus have clock, yes or no?

[A]

Tell me, is there lumber support? You want a car, don't you? No, I don't want a car at all.

[B]

So now we go back to the city streets of Falkirk, and we see, no, but this.

[A]

This is. But before that, this is where Linda gets feisty. She goes, will Kenny's limitless indecision finally derail his hunt? I'm getting sick of this motherfucker.

[B]

So we go back to the city center and it's raining again. Because, of course. And they look at a statue of a soldier, and he's like, do. Do you have any, like, shirtless soldiers? I'm just, like, used to that in Hawaii, you know? Like, do you have any statues? Like, I don't know that are shirtless. This is making me uncomfortable. It's just what I grew up with.

[A]

It's too cold here in Scotland to be shirtless. No one's taken off a shirt in this. In this region in 300 years. By the way, have you seen the movie Braveheart? You better have, otherwise it gets run out of town. This is the bot. This is the tomb of Sir John de Graham, William Wallace's favorite soldiers daughters. Barista. Oh, okay.

[B]

By the way, don't say anything bad about Mel Gibson here, okay? We just pretend the past decade hasn't happened. Right?

[A]

Also, just so you know, Scrooge McDuck is a huge hero here, so be careful.

[B]

So Kenny's like, I've really been researching history, and one thing I've noticed is Scotland doesn't have much sun. I'm gonna. I'm gonna write somebody about that because it's what I grew up with.

[A]

He's really. I like that. Like, he did a lot of research only to find out that Scotland doesn't have a lot of sun.

[B]

No, I just made that up. But he's like, yeah, I believe you. He's like, yeah, I'm a dis. I'm. I. You know, like, I bungee jump or, like, paraglide. So I'm gonna have to push myself with this uncomfortable decision. I have commitment phobia. You know, I'm still single and I've never bought a home, so maybe everyone's right. And I don't know how to commit.

[A]

I mean, I've been committed, but I don't know how to commit. So then Laura pretends to knight Kenny. She's like, this always does the trick. This little. This little number here always gets someone to buy a house. So then the Chiron comes up and was like, unfortunately, Scottish citizenship isn't that easy. Currently, citizenship in Scotland is only attainable through the British immigration. Sorry, suckers.

[B]

Yeah, they don't really address this. Like, how is he gonna just move to Scotland? They never really address that, though, huh?

[A]

Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

I never really. He's like, I guess I can be a knight now. Will you knight me? And so she knights him with her umbrella, and he's like, I'm gonna be called Sir Kenny now.

[A]

So they go to now house number three, which is also in downtown. And it seems Laura takes him to a place that is pedestrian only, which means there'll be no car noise. So it'll be much better than the other place that had a bus, A godforsaken bus. So he's excited. He's like, yeah, this is great. This is exactly what I want. So house number three is on High street, which is funny because Kenny seems fairly high through most of this episode. And a two bedroom, two bathroom. It's central, it's walkable. It's $180,000, which is on budget. And he does that thing where he's like, wow, that's gonna just wipe out all my money. I'm like, yeah, but it's near your budget, so don't complain.

[B]

Yeah, it's your budget. What are you complaining about? Fucking Kenny.

[A]

If that's too much for you, then it's not your budget. Don't say $180,000 is your budget if it's too much for you.

[B]

And it's designed by the people who designed the Love island set. It looks crazy. Like it's super, ultra modern. But it's like, you know, pretty. It's. It's fun. It's like a single swinging bachelor kind of pad. You know, neon lights everywhere, and it's still pretty nice. And he goes, wait a minute, though, Laura, you promised me nature. And she's like, kenny, there's no nature in the city. Kenny, do you understand what I'm trying to say? Oh, yeah. But you know what? There's a church. What did I tell you about quiet? Is that bell gonna keep going off? And she's like, every hour he's like, God, Laura, I hate bell. Stupid churches. And then every time they walk to another room, he goes, yep, I can still hear the bell from in here.

[A]

Well, and then they are so. They're so funny because they just run the bell sound throughout this entire scene. They're just like trolling him and us. You just hear, bong, bong, bong, bong. The entire scene. He's like, I don't know.

[B]

At one point he's like, why is the bell still going on? It's not even the top of the hour anymore.

[A]

She's like, I don't know. It's a bell tower. It's just what it does. What do you want from me? It's a bell tower.

[B]

So they check it out. It's a pretty nice place. It's all modern and new looking. And they go, look at the guest room. He's like, I can still hear bells. So he's like, listen, Laura, I'm still having some internal conflict. Oh, well, I totally understand that. I've considered suicide three times.

[A]

Just talking to you.

[B]

Just talking to you in two days, Kenny. Two days.

[A]

So now we look at the three. Three options. The number one, number two. Number three. Number one's the bachelor pad. My choices were number one to number one, the number three, the number two. So naturally, the one that he goes for is the worst one, which is.

[B]

The second one he goes for number two. The place was obviously number one for me. I mean, yes, there's a bus outside. Okay, no one. No one loves that, but it was the nicest, the cheapest. You're up, you're by all the restaurants. You're in the city center.

[A]

Come on. Yeah, this was. This was.

[B]

No, he chooses the one with no worries, the worst shapes, the least livable, and the furthest from town. And so now he has to take the fucking bus every place. And yes. Isn't so bad, I guess. You know, I mean, they don't have carplay, but it's decent.

[A]

And now he's gonna, like, drag all of his friends out to the stupid suburbs that none of them want to go to. They want to just stay in Falkirk, so he's just gonna drag everyone down with a st of thing. And then, you know, I guess the one upside is that we got to learn about the Scottish soda called Earn.

[B]

Brew, which he also disses. He's like, wow. So I guess your local soda's kind of. I mean, it's okay, I guess. Wow. Thanks for coming here just to diss our culture, Kenny.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, honestly.

[B]

But he does now get to connect with Scotland to take advantage of those direct flights under $100 to some of his favorite cities in Europe.

[A]

So that's it. Well, thanks, everyone. If you have an episode that you want to us to recap from House Hunters, make sure it's available on Max, because they actually just moved a whole bunch of episodes off the platform. And then send us an email with Dwell. Hello. Suggestion in the subject. So that way we read it, if it's not in the subject, there's a good chance we'll miss it.

[B]

Yeah. If it's not the subject, we're skipping it forever. All right, everybody, thanks so much. We'll talk to you next time.

[A]

Bye.