Dwell Hello #515: Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa

Summary

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Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #515: Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: July 25, 2025
Episode Recapped: House Hunters International S231 E6 – “Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa” (on HBO Max)

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Overview

In this riotous episode of Dwell Hello, Ben and Ronnie recap a standout installment of House Hunters International—“Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa.” The episode follows Kim, a delightfully quirky cat café owner, as she searches for a historic bungalow in Tampa with the questionable but loving assistance of her older sister Ilka and their cousin/real estate agent Fred. The episode quickly becomes a showcase for sibling jabs, misfit housing preferences, and relentless New York-accented banter as Kim seeks “something with character”—or perhaps, just “the smallest, darkest, weirdest house possible.”

The Crappens boys revel in the family’s hilarious clashes and eccentric requests, offering their signature mix of adoration, roasts, and improvised dialogue that brings every neurosis, preference, and interior faux pas to vivid life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Finding the Perfect (Imperfect) House

• The Cat Bistro Setup

  • Kim, a New Yorker-turned-Tampa-resident, left her corporate life to open “Feline,” a cat café, and is ready to put her “divorce money” into finally owning a historic home.
  • Ben: “I mean, how can you not recap an episode that starts with cat bistros?” (02:39)

• House Hunt Cast:

  • Kim – Eccentric, happy-to-be-divorced café owner seeking a quirky home.
  • Ilka – Older, opinionated sister, always ready with unsolicited advice.
  • Fred – Cousin and real estate agent, often caught between the sisters’ barbs.

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House #1: The Miniscule Bungalow

Location: 25 minutes from café | Price: $300K
Standouts: No driveway, 800 sq. ft., single bathroom off the kitchen, dark, tiny rooms, chain-link fenced yard

• First Impressions:

  • Ilka: “It’s a shoebox.”
    Kim: “Some people never get to see a shoebox their whole life. Quiet, sister.” (15:33)
  • The sisters’ banter sets the tone for the home tour, with Kim eager for “small, old, non-functional” while Ilka tries to inject practicality.

• Unconventional Preferences:

  • Kim wants darkness, no natural light, as few bathrooms as possible:
    “I want it to be old. I want it to be small. I want the appliances to not work. And I don’t want lighting. I want to make sure it’s not up to code.” (11:36)

• Memorable Moments:

  • Unfiltered critique of “unschooling,” with both hosts riffing on the concept:
    • Ronnie: “Unschooling is ridiculous.” (08:18)
    • Ben: “Unschooling is just lazy parenting.” (08:30)
  • Kim and Ilka’s brick wall drama:
    • Ben (as Ilka): “Shut your mouth, Ilka. That could have been a second name…that’s all I ever heard.” (05:24)

• Room Inspections:

  • Living room likened to a hallway:
    Ilka: “How do you even call this a living room? You couldn’t even fit a table in this room.” (17:33)
  • Kim remains enchanted (“Love it. No windows, no light…”), Ilka is horrified:
    “If there’s a fire, you’ll die in the fire.” (26:48)

• Bathroom Off the Kitchen:

  • Ben: “If you have to go number two, you can cover up the smell with marinara on the stovetop.” (28:17)

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House #2: The Slightly Less Tiny, Actual Driveway Home

Location: 35 minutes from café | Price: $265K
Standouts: Driveway (!), larger yard; more updated kitchen and bathroom—not to Kim’s liking

• The Driveway Dispute:

  • Ben: “It’s a beautiful driveway. Look at the driveway. I hate it.” (30:07)

• Overwhelming ‘Modernity’:

  • Kim recoils at updated spaces: “I want it renovated, but I don’t want it to actually look good…If I wanted something big and boxy, I’d just have Ilka come back.” (31:33, 32:12)
  • Dislikes multiple bathrooms: “I actually really enjoy waiting to be able to use the bathroom…makes the whole experience better.” (33:08)

• Inconsistent Tastes:

  • Bemoans spaciousness (“too huge—like a mansion!”) despite larger yard for dogs; complains about low bedroom ceilings:
    “As a short person, I need my ceilings to be taller.” (34:09)

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House #3: The “Diamond in the Rough”

Location: 20 minutes from café, on a busy street | Price: $300K
Standouts: Three bedrooms, old charm (1903), more space than Kim wants, bright and functional—but also features she hates (manufactured bath, gold fixtures lacking)

• Ben (mock-Kim):

  • “Can you get a dead flower? That would be great.” (36:17)
  • Reluctant about any charm or modern convenience.

• Bright Interiors, Functional Spaces:

  • Kim: “What am I in, heaven right now, Fred? It’s so bright.” (38:32)
  • Insists on keeping shades closed, prefers darkness.

• Bathrooms Once Again:

  • Kim: “I don’t want a bathtub that’s manufactured and doesn’t leak. I want tiles falling off the wall. That’s charm, Fred.” (39:21)
  • Ronnie: “Plastic fiberglass is more durable than hundred-year-old toilets.” (39:43)

• Cousin/Sister Jokes Flow Freely:

  • Fred’s attempts to play matchmaker are rebuffed:
    • Ronnie: “I like a mouthy broad.”
      Ben (as Kim/Ilka): “It’s not going to happen, Fred.” (46:16)

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The Final Decision

Location: Back at the Cat Café
Reunion with Ilka

• Kim reviews pros and cons with Ilka (who is still sore about being excluded on tour #2):

  • Ronnie: “You do what you need to do. I’m eating a bagel.” (42:20)

• Kim reaffirms preference for “the smallest, darkest, most disgusting place that someone poops in the kitchen while I’m trying to make spaghetti.” (44:52)

• She picks the first house: the smallest, quirkiest, most dysfunctional home available.

• Notable Quote:

  • Ben: "I'm going to a store called Dollar Specific, because I don't have that much space." (45:46)

• Cheeky Send-off:

  • Kim: “Well, this is the first and the last time any of you will be invited over here. So enjoy the kitchen.” (46:16)
  • “My life as a water shut-in starts now.” (46:23)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sibling Dynamics:

  • Ben: “She begs to come on the show. She begs to come on the show. And the first thing she does, she embarrasses me by saying, let’s knock down a wall. We’re not gonna disrespect the architect’s vision for this house, Ilka, with your whims and your fantasies.” (21:27)

• On Tastes:

  • Ben (as Kim): “I want a tiny house that I can spread out in. Does that make sense? I want it cozy, but I want a craftsman. But I want it modern. But I want it old.” (11:10)
  • Ben: “Can you put this on a very major street with a lot of traffic and far away?” (13:34)

• On the Meaning of Intimacy:

  • Ronnie (as Ilka): “I want it to have an intimate feel…Like sexual, not sexual?” (11:10)

• On Modern Upgrades:

  • Kim: “If I wanted luxury, I would…well, I don’t know. I was about to say something about Ilka, but we know that she doesn’t have anything to do with luxury. Am I right?” (37:31)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• 01:23 – Episode introduction; Ben and Ronnie explain their choice of House Hunters episode
• 04:00 – 05:45 – Meet Kim, Ilka, and cousin Fred; dynamic established
• 09:36 – 13:50 – Kim’s list of “must-have” (and must-NOT-have) home features; hilarious explorations of her logic
• 15:12 – 28:30 – House #1 tour and review; battles over space, light, furniture, bathroom locations, and Ilka’s banishment
• 28:35 – 34:36 – House #2 tour with Kim and Fred; updated rooms and driveways are scorned
• 34:39 – 41:55 – House #3 tour on a busy street; Kim dislikes every “improvement” and finds new issues
• 42:01 – 46:33 – Decision at the Cat Café; Ilka returns, Kim chooses the “shoebox” house, and everyone faces their fate

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode’s tone is a love letter to the outsized personalities and everyday absurdities of family, housing, and reality TV. Ben and Ronnie’s irreverent commentary—punctuated by Borscht Belt one-liners, tangents on parenting and education, and scene-stealing impersonations—makes even the smallest Tampa bungalow feel like a palace of comedy.

• The podcast thrives on exaggeration, warmth, and gentle mockery: even when highlighting dysfunction, the hosts and their “characters” display genuine affection.
• Listeners are left hoping to witness more of Kim, Ilka, and Fred—as a true House Hunters comedy spinoff waiting to happen.

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Episode Title Recap:
Everyone expects an episode about a quirky cat café owner to be nuts, but no one is ready for the amount of sibling rivalry and anti-modernist home taste crammed into 800 square feet. In true Watch What Crappens fashion, every misfit moment is lovingly eviscerated.

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For further recommendations or episode suggestions:
Email the hosts at watchwhatcrappensmail.com with your favorite “Dwell Hello” picks.

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Transcript

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

Ding dong.

[Ben]

Ding ding ding ding. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. A watch what crappens House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben, that's Ronnie. Thanks so much for coming over here to wondry to listen to yet another recap of one of these hilarious shows. Today we are recapping House Hunters International Volume Season 231, Episode 6. But the real thing you need to know is it's called Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa. And this you can find on HBO Max. So Ronnie, you were the one who found this episode. You hand selected it and I'm so glad you did because it was amazing. Great work here.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, you know, sometimes it's hard to find these. We usually go by your all suggestions but since HBO turned in HBO Max and HBO Max turned in Max and HBO Max, and there have been so many changes and they keep episodes that you guys are suggesting off. So this time we dug in ourselves and I mean, what can I say? I just looked for a really stupid title and it paid off because this episode was amazing.

[Ben]

Cat Bistros.

[Ronnie]

I mean, how can you not recap an episode that starts with cat bistros?

[Ben]

Yeah, and the Cat Bistros was actually like not really even part of the show now that I think about it. Like there wasn't like a big cat presence. Fatty things talked about dogs a lot.

[Ronnie]

So cat bistros aren't the important part. But when you know that it's going to be for the owner of a cat bistro you know that this is not going to be for a stable person, and you need to see what's going on. You know, you have to investigate.

[Ben]

You know, there will be. There's going to be big hair. So we open up with Linda saying Kim left her corporate job to open up a Cat B show in Tampa, to which her former coworker said thank God, and is ready to buy a house. She's looking for a homey bungalow with historic charm, but with the new business, she doesn't want to spend a lot, especially on hair conditioner.

[Ronnie]

And then we see unconditioned Kim with her eyes wide. And she's one of those people who talks with her eyes really wide and her forehead creased so that she looks like she's thinking deeply, but she never really is. And she's like, yeah, you know, look, it's me looking for houses. And she's also looking with her cousin Fred and her agent, her sister Hilka, giving her advice. Wanted or not, she'll have a lot.

[Ben]

To sort through, including boxes of kitty litter. So now we get into the show properly. So we're in Tampa, and we see the Cat Cafe, which I guess is called Feline. It's a little on the nose. That's like club, club all over again. So we see Kim and she's arranging tables, and her. And Ilka's with her, and they're like, hi. Hi. How are you? Hi. They have, like, my New York heart started to, like, sing because they have such, like, clipped New York accents. It was just great already to listen to them.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, and they're both, you know, like older New York chicks, you know, bitching at each other the whole episode. So it was great. So Kim's like, yeah, I'm originally from New York. I've been in Tampa for goodness over 20 years. And I came down a few years after my sister. You know, I recently started my own business, the Cat Cafe. Love it. Love animals, Love people. Love food. Hate the health department. Okay. Those guys can suck a dick. But, you know, cats are great. They. They do run, you know, you have to tell people, close the door. You know, I really should invest in one of those doors that close themselves. But, you know, cats are fast. Cats are known for being fast. You can't really trust a cat. You know, they'll eat your face when you die. Is true.

[Ben]

So I'll tell you who's not fast. Ilka. Very slow, my sister. I love her to death. Very slow. Look. Now we're gonna go arrange some tables and chairs. Ilka you can help me arrange some tables and chairs. Come on. You know what? I don't like where these chairs are. How about we move the chairs over here, Jimmy?

[Ronnie]

Why? Why? Why we rearrange in chairs? Why?

[Ben]

Well, I got to make sure it's perfectly aligned. Cats like.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, but you know what? It looks fine the way it was. Like, it's fine. Unaligned alignment.

[Ben]

Do you want. Do you want to be in this house hunter's episode or not? Okay? I want the chance aligned.

[Ronnie]

I do. I do.

[Ben]

I love you.

[Ronnie]

I'm great.

[Ben]

I love you.

[Ronnie]

I love you. I love you so much.

[Ben]

I love what you've done with your hair. Love the curls. It's beautiful.

[Ronnie]

You know what? Sometimes I think the ilka forgets that I'm an adult. You know, because she's nine years older, she kind of thinks she has to always give me her opinion and advice. She never shuts the fuck up. Okay, that's. That's ilka for you. Okay? Shut your mouth. Ilka. Okay? That's. That could have been a second name, because that's what my mom was always saying growing up. Shut your mouth, Ilka. We're in shirt. Shut your mouth. Elka, we're at a bus stop. Shut your mouth, Ilka. That's all I ever heard.

[Ben]

You know what?

[Ronnie]

Mouth, which was always open.

[Ben]

You know what, Kimmy? You took my opinion with this brick wall, okay? Don't forget this brick wall over here. This one does special. It does look good.

[Ronnie]

Look at the brick wall.

[Ben]

Special. You gotta trust me. I understand things did that.

[Ronnie]

You know what? Sometimes Elka opens her mouth and bricks come out and look what. Look what they created. A faux brick wall. Very good. Very good.

[Ben]

Yeah. I said. I said, kimmy, Kimmy, you know what this brick wall needs? Two frame mirrors. And what did you do? What'd you do? You put up two frame mirrors. And guess what? Guess what? People walk in here and they say, love the mirrors. That was me. That was Elka. I have something to contribute to society, okay?

[Ronnie]

It goes like, yeah, I put up a brick wall. Because you know what? Talking to Kim is like talking to a brick wall. So I said, you might as well put up a brick wall. She did it. And it turns out to be fantastic.

[Ben]

Kim is. So she says, I'm happily divorced. I do have a 19 year old son. He's in. He's actually a performer. He's a juggler. So sometimes he goes down to the main street in Tampa and just juggles things around. I said, why are you juggling I gotta fix. Put up some mirrors on the brick wall that your aunt made me put up. So he's mostly flown the coop by now.

[Ronnie]

So this is apropos of nothing, but did you know that there's a whole group of kids now that just a whole segment of the population of children, I guess I should say, that are something now called unschooled. Have you ever heard that term? My sister is a teacher, so. And she teaches a lot of homeschooled kids. Yes. There's actually a thing now where people are unschooled. I was like, well, what is that? Is that, like, homeschooled? And she goes, no, it's just where people decide that they're gonna let their kids learn on their own, and so they don't go to a school. And I said, so they have homeschooling, right? She goes, no, they're just. They don't. They work. Like, what the fuck, bro? Like, how is that even happening? Aren't we stupid enough in this country? Oh, my God.

[Ben]

It doesn't work. That does not work. I'm telling you that right now. It does not work. Every single time you say, it's just.

[Ronnie]

Gonna be like, oh, you know what I feel like learning today? Algebra. Just because.

[Ben]

Well, it also means that people are just gonna learn, really select. They're gonna cherry pick what they learn, and they're not gonna have proper context for anything. That's such a terrible idea. If anyone here is unschooling their children, you should maybe school yourself on. On some things, because that's.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, stop. Like, you owe Your. You owe. You owe everybody around you when you come out with a. Okay, make an effort. Unschooling your children. Come on, man. Unschooling is ridiculous.

[Ben]

Unschooling is just lazy parenting. That's a parent that doesn't want to deal with, like, the hassles of education and, like, dealing with your kids homework, making sure your kid goes to school. Doesn't want to worry about having a kid that gets thrown out of school, so they just don't send them to school in the first place. And then the people who have to deal with it are the rest of us who deal with your moron child for the rest of their lives while they. While they terrorize society.

[Ronnie]

Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, I'm glad we got that in there on this cat bistro recap. So the reason is because now I'm worried for this kid because she's like, yeah, I have a kid. You know, he's in School, somewhat. Of course, he's 19, so maybe he wasn't unschooled. Yeah.

[Ben]

Yeah. So then we see. We see Nathaniel. Nathaniel, my son. And then we see pictures of her with the cats and dogs and. And stuff like that. And then she says that she's, like, in a rental, but, like, it doesn't. You know, why am I going to keep giving money? Why am I doing this? And, you know, I had a divorce. I got a divorce. I gave so much money into the divorce. Why do I want to give money to a rental? I want to own something. You know, I'm not like Ilka, who's just happy with her curly hair in some sort of rental down there in downtown Tampa next to a Chipotle. I want to actually make something with my life.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. What am I. What am I wasting my life for somebody else? Why am I giving them all my money? Because it's where you live. Like, you have to pay for where you live. It's kind of standard. It's kind of standard.

[Ben]

Well, guess what, everyone. My real estate agent is actually my cousin.

[Ronnie]

Excuse me. He's our cousin. He's our cousin. Not just. All right, okay, we both got a cousin.

[Ben]

He's our cousin. He likes me more, though. That's why he's my cousin. He actually doesn't.

[Ronnie]

That's probably Ilka.

[Ben]

He doesn't kill the caf? Ilka. He doesn't like the brick wall. He said, I don't know if I could be cousins with someone who puts up this brick wall in the middle of your beautiful cat cafe. So you know what?

[Ronnie]

You know what? I wouldn't teach him how to make out before prom. And, you know, he's never dropped it, Fred. I mean, my God, he is like a brother to Kim. Okay, but I'm not going to be your kissing cousin. I told him. Sorry, sorry. Get in line, mister. Okay, so then, meet Fred Quinones, cousin, real estate agent. He's like, oh, hi, it's me, Fred. Hello, Ilka. I'm not making out with you, Fred. Okay.

[Ben]

Okay, Fred, this is what I want. This is what I'm talking about for what I want in a house, okay? I can't go above $300,000, but it shouldn't be a problem because if I could wave a magic wand, I would get my sister out of here. Let's be honest. I'd send her off to Idaho or something like that, but I can't. But if I could wave with my magic wand, it would be like a 1920s bungalow, you know? Is that what it's called? A bungalow? You know, And I like. I like things that have a story, okay? I like things that have character, unlike. Unlike Ilka and her dresses. Something that's. You want to look at.

[Ronnie]

I want it to have an intimate feel. That's what I want. I want an intimate. Like sexual, not sexual. Ilka, why are you always taking everything to that? That's what intimate means. You get intimate with somebody you get sexual with. And maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's my house, okay? But I want it tiny. I want a little, tiny, huge house. I want a tiny house that I can spread out in. Does that make sense? I want it cozy, but I want a craftsman. But I want it modern. But I want it old. Does that make sense, Fred?

[Ben]

Here's what I want, Fred. I want it to be old. I want it to be small. I want the appliances to not work. And I don't want lighting. I want to make it short, dark. I want to make sure there's fire hazards. I want to make sure it's not up to code. And I want to make sure there's a small yard, not a big yard. Can you find that?

[Ronnie]

He's like, so what do you want, two, Two bedrooms? Three bedrooms? You know what? I would say three is too much, Fred. Okay? Like, I definitely want two with one bath. I only want one bathroom. That's all I want. I don't want any. I want everybody to have to come into my bathroom to poop.

[Ben]

Ideally, if that bathroom is located in the most intimate, intimate again part of the house, that's what I want. If you could actually have it that you have to go through my bedroom and then through my closet, and then you get to the bathroom, that would be perfect.

[Ronnie]

And Ilka's like, well, you know, having two bathrooms would be incredibly important to have privacy. No, you know what? You know what? I don't want that. And you know what else? I don't want natural light. I hate natural light, okay? As odd as that may sound, I like something that's not well lit because I like. I'm a vampire. I like dark spaces fenced in, yards for the pets, no carpeting. I want something just stone and dog. Do you have a coffin? Is there a coffin with running water?

[Ben]

This is. She's actually the perfect candidate for house hunters because she's like, every place that always People are disgusted by. That's like, exactly what she wants on her. She's like, I don't want carpeting. I also don't want hardwood floors. You what? I want just disgusting old grass that has died and maybe some broken glass, too.

[Ronnie]

Could it be in the worst neighborhood in town? I just want it to be in a terrible neighborhood. I don't want any stores around me. I only want, you know, kind of people without homes surrounding me. Is that possible? Is there any way that you can find a place where there's someone pooping on the sidewalk outside?

[Ben]

Can you put this on a very major street with a lot of traffic and far away?

[Ronnie]

Do not want to be near the center of town. Please, please.

[Ben]

The less space for my car, the better.

[Ronnie]

So Fred's like, all right, look, we've got some very specific things you're looking for, but for that price point, you're not going to get everything you're looking for, okay? You're going to get a stick of gum for that price. So I've seen. I've got. I've got homes. I've selected Ilka. Are you going to come? You're going to be available? Ilka, you.

[Ben]

You want to, you know, I don't know.

[Ronnie]

You want to help me out here?

[Ben]

I don't know. I think I got something in my teeth. Maybe you can inspect it with your tongue. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Fred, what do you think?

[Ronnie]

You know what? I would say that ilka can come to some, but she can't come to all, okay? Because I really need to have some space. Seeing the houses without her opinions in my ear like this chattering in my ear. She's like one of those little things you wind up. They're like little teeth. You wind them up, you put them on a desk, they clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. The silke. Okay, I don't need it. Brick wall. But how does it look? How does it look? The Bristol looks good. Ilka.

[Ben]

It looks good. I'm not gonna lie. It looks good. So then now it's time to go to house number one. And so Kim and Elka are driving. She's. Okay, you know what, Elka? I just want to. I just want to. I just wanted to let you know something. I didn't tell Fred you were coming. She's like, why not? You know what? Because you annoyed me at lunch, and I wasn't going to bring you. I'm not going to lie. I was like, she's going to try to make out with her cousin again. I don't want this happening on camera. But I thought, you know what? You're my sister. You need some excitement in your life? Maybe the cameraman might like you. I don't know. He'll get you out of my hair. I thought, I don't know. I'll do a good deed. See you here.

[Ronnie]

Oh, well, good lord. I guess I'm lucky I made it. I'm lucky I made the cut. Am I right, by the way, you could use one. I'm just saying. Come on, come on. Just get out of the car. All right, well, first up, a well priced home that's just 25 minutes from Kim's cat piss smelling business. So she'll have a short commute.

[Ben]

So they pull up and she's like, oh, my God. So it's a bungalow with a slanted roof to one side and a red door and shutters and a white picket fence. Ilka's like, it's a shoebox. Quiet. You're lucky you should even be here. You're so lucky even see a shoebox. Some people never get to see a shoebox their life. Quiet, sister.

[Ronnie]

Okay, but you know what? I wanted it small, and it's 800 square feet, and that's small, right? That's small. So that's what I asked for. So Fred comes up and Elka's like, fred, there's no driveway. I mean, quite a few of the other homes have a driveway. I'm looking around. So why doesn't this. Is this home being bullied, Fred? Like, why was this, why was this home not given a driveway when all the other homes were given a driveway? It seems a little bit unfair, Fred.

[Ben]

Yeah, it is a bit of a problem. I'm not going to lie. You know, I would like a driveway. So that way when Ilka comes over in her 1974 Toyota Camry that embarrasses everyone in the family, she has someplace to park it. But otherwise, I love this. I love this exterior. It's beautiful. You know, the picket.

[Ronnie]

You know what I like? I like that it has a fence. It's got a fence. Ilka, you're right. It has a fence. I love the picket fence. But Ilka is very in defenses. You know, I love fences as well. The picket fence, so cute. It gives it so much character. It says, don't come in me unless the door swings open, in which case you can come into me. You know what I mean?

[Ben]

You know, these picket fences, it reminds me, Fred, remember when we were children and Ilka was always writing letters to be part of the 5ish Finkel Fan Club. He just loved picket fences.

[Ronnie]

Oh, God. Love 5ish. I love. Now if 5ish tried to ask me to teach it how to make out before prom, I would have done it. I mean, 5ish. What a man.

[Ben]

What a man. What a man. What a money. 5ish man. So they go.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, oh, and the colors, the colors. Ilka, look at the colors of the house. Gray and red. I mean, this is crazy. They make the house pop. They make the house pop.

[Ben]

So they. They enter and they are looking at the living. It's. This is. It's as big as my desk. This living room, it is so small.

[Ronnie]

How do you even call this a living room? You couldn't even fit a table into this room. It's like a hallway. It's a hallway.

[Ben]

So small. And any other person on House Hunters would be like, oh, my God. I mean, this is ridiculous. This is almost. Why are you even showing me this? And Kim's like, well, look at this. You know, I env this as a living space. We could put a love seat here, and then we can stack the coffee table on top of that and then a chair on top of that. That way you technically have all your living room furniture and it fits into this tiny alcove.

[Ronnie]

Where are you going to put your drink? Okay, you know what? We keep the drink in the hallway. If I need it, I get up and I go get the drink. Like, who cares? And she goes, well, you have to.

[Ben]

Be more solution oriented. Ilka, I don't know what this is the problem. This is why you're not getting ahead in life.

[Ronnie]

So what are you talking about for TV? Then she goes, I won't have a TV. I'm Kim. Like, why would I need a TV? A TV's not intimate. A TV is not coz. All right, well, I'm thinking ahead. One day you trick somebody into dating you and you decided to bring him here and what, no tv? What are you gonna do, talk to him? I mean, come on. Have you heard yourself talk?

[Ben]

Well, we can. You know what? We'll watch TV at his place. I really don't know why you're being so anti right now. Ilka, you're so lucky that you came along here even after you had onion rings and his breath smells like. Honestly, quite, quite disgusting. I mean, Fred's right here.

[Ronnie]

Okay, you know what? That's fair. So Fred is like, well, this house was built in 1924, so finding a house in the 20s, you listen, that's hard enough in this price point. But the value of the houses, they're a bit above this. So this is definitely great for 300, and I'm interested to see what she thinks about the house. Let's find out. Have you seen how Ilka's butt moves? The way she walks?

[Ben]

Look.

[Ronnie]

Look at her walk. Look at her walk. Stay back here, camera crew. Just watch Ilka walk into this house.

[Ben]

Look at. Look at the way her left butt cheek scrapes against that wall while her right butt cheek scrapes against the window, too. Very narrow, narrow hallway.

[Ronnie]

This is dark. This is a dark place. So Kim's like the lighting. I really like the lighting. Kim's Ilka's like, it's a little dark. I like dark. Ilka. That's what we're here for. I like dark.

[Ben]

Ilka, do you want to be on this show or not? Okay, if I say I like something, you're supposed to say, I'm proud of you. Not say, it's too dark for me. You're not living here, Ilka. You never will.

[Ronnie]

Hey, ladies, ladies. Maybe she likes it dark because it makes her feel safe. You know what, Fred? Maybe that is why I like it.

[Ben]

Talk.

[Ronnie]

Maybe I feel safe in here.

[Ben]

Okay, well, it makes me feel a little depressed. I don't know. I don't know, Kimmy. I'm a little depressed in here. I'm not gonna lie. It's making me sad.

[Ronnie]

What doesn't make you feel depressed? Okay, you are depressed. You're a depressed person, Ilka, okay? Don't blame the house for your own shortcomings.

[Ben]

I'll tell you what doesn't make me feel depressed. Kathy in the comics. Hilarious. Just brings so much love.

[Ronnie]

She loves Kathy.

[Ben]

I do love Kathy. I love when she. I mean, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Well, what else could you want, you know?

[Ronnie]

Oh, gosh, she loves her. You know that game where you say, like, pick three celebrities if you could have dinner with. Ilka picks Kathy, Kathy and Kathy every single time.

[Ben]

I would love to. More Kathy the merrier. I mean, could you imagine bringing Kathy into this dark house? She would hate it. I'd be embarrassed. I'd be mortified.

[Ronnie]

Kathy from the cartoons?

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

She's hot. Yeah, Kathy's pretty fun. Kathy's hot. Yeah, I write her every Sunday.

[Ben]

Not gonna lie. She has a sick body. She has a sick body. I dream of having a body someday. But you know what, Fred? Enough.

[Ronnie]

So they look at the flooring. They're like, very nice. Very nice flooring. Very nice. And they go into. He's like, well, this could be a bedroom. And Ilka's like, Is it not a bedroom because it doesn't have a closet? And he goes, that's right. She goes, I thought so. Yeah, I thought so.

[Ben]

Just want to score. That's one point for Ilka. Just want to say, I got a point.

[Ronnie]

Ilka's like, well, we could also knock down this wall, so then you have a bigger living room if you want. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to do that. I can't afford that. I can afford that. Look, I need to look at the house as it is. Ilka, okay? We're not falling in love with our home potential. We're falling in love with the current home. Ilka, okay?

[Ben]

This one. This one. She begs to come on the show. She begs to come on the show. And the first thing she does, she embarrasses me by saying, let's knock down a wall. We're not gonna. We're not gonna disrespect the architect's vision for this house, Ilka, with your whims and your fantasies. It's not gonna happen. You know what? You're not coming to the next house. Sing it right now.

[Ronnie]

You know what, Fred? I tell Ilka the reason she's the type of person to write people on death row love letters is because she's always falling in love with potential and not what's there. I say, you're not. You're not writing a letter to someone who could be a good man when he gets out, okay? You're writing a letter to somebody who's on death row. Ilka, do you understand?

[Ben]

She can't make up a mind. One moment she'd say, put up a brick wall. Put up a brick wall in your cafe. And now she comes here and she says, take down the wall. What do you want, Elka? This is why you can't find love.

[Ronnie]

People can change. Listen, I'm just saying people can change.

[Ben]

You know what? You're right. When she's right, she's right.

[Ronnie]

Thank you. So they go outside, and Ilka's behind her. She's like. She wants my opinion. But then, you know, she gets a little miffed. I mean, that's just how it is.

[Ben]

Okay, this back. Okay, let's look in. Okay, let's go into another bedroom. Okay. Well, you know what? Honestly, Fred, it's small. This is a small bedroom. No one would ever be able to really, really relax in here. I love it. I love it.

[Ronnie]

Well, remember. Remember when you said you wanted smaller and tighter? So that's what we have here. We got smaller and tighter. That's what you asked for. She said, you know what? Yeah, you know what, Fred? You're right. You're right. That is what I asked for, man. We're going to see other places. So ultimately, this doesn't have to be the end all be all. Am I right? It doesn't have to be the end all be all, Ilka. Oh, I can talk now. Oh, that's great. So am I gonna get to see the other homes, or is it just this? Am I only. Do I only see this? She's like, you know, I don't know. Probably not. I don't know. This is probably it for you. Ilka.

[Ben]

I'm honestly, I'm still pretty pissed about that wall comment. I really don't like how you disrespected Cousin Fred's hard work here. Finding this house and the architect, it's just not appropriate. Ilka, you know. You know what I'd like you to do? I'd like you to go back to the school where you substitute teach, because this is just not. Not the right.

[Ronnie]

Listen, listen. Let me solve the fight, ladies, okay? I like a woman with a mouthy. With a. With a mouth on her, all right? I like a mouthy broad. You know what? I'm your cousin. Fred. Just stop. Just stop. Fred, it's not gonna work. Hey, listen, don't. Don't ever let hope die, all right?

[Ben]

You know what? You know what, Cousin Fred? If Kimmy's not gonna let me come to another house, then let's get that. Let's just say how it really is. Look, I can reach the other. I can reach from one hand to the other. I can reach. I can reach one wall to the other. I just want to say that that's how small this house is. Fine. I'm saying it all. I'm being honest right now. I'm being the sister who's being honest.

[Ronnie]

What are you, Jerry Steinman? You're very funny. Very funny, Ilka. All right. Very, very Jerry Steinfeld. You are hilarious, elk.

[Ben]

This says less about how small the house is and how long her arms are. I've always got long arms. Gotta hide them.

[Ronnie]

So they check out the primary bedroom. And Kim's like, well, you know what I mean. This is smaller than what I'm in now. You know, I could barely even fit my head in here. Yeah, you can barely fit your head in anywhere since it grew so much after you got a cat business. I mean, geez, you'd think the woman owned the Mall of America the way.

[Ben]

She Acts, you know, she puts up one brick wall. Now she thinks she can comment on anything, you know? All right, well, this room is. This bedroom is way too small. Love it. Okay, let's go into the kitchen. Oh, God, look at this. Look at this kitchen. Not a single window in sight. It's dark. Everything is old. It's small. I can't cook in anything. It's a. Honestly, what I call this, It's a dream. It's a mitzvah. I love it.

[Ronnie]

It's perfect. It's perfect. Okay, you know what? And Elka, why are you giving that look? Well, I mean, what are you going to do? What if you. What if you want to have a holiday? Oh, you know what? If we're going to have a holiday, you do the cooking. I'm not doing that cooking. We can do it at your house. Look, what, what are we doing Thanksgiving at my house? No, I'm not going to do that.

[Ben]

No one's coming over here. No one's coming over here. We're not doing Thanksgiving. We're not doing holidays. We're not doing Arbor Day. Okay? No one's coming in here. And Fred's like, well, what about the floors? Can we at least talk about the floors? Yeah, well, you know, I'm noticing that the kitchen floor tiling is different than the. Than the light wood floors elsewhere. And, I don't know, two different types of floors in a single house seems kind of crazy. Seems a little wild. Seems a little loud. Like Ilka's tops that she gets from Ross.

[Ronnie]

It's perfect. I love it. I love it. I love it, actually. Okay, Yoko, what do you think about the floors? Well, actually, short. Short tempered. Mean, your bra's too tight. No, not the floors. The flaws. I just said, okay, you want more? You need to shave your mouth and you smell like old cheese. Not the floors.

[Ben]

Floors, floors.

[Ronnie]

I don't know what she wants from me. You see, she asked me to talk, and then I talk and then she gets upset, so I'm just not going to talk anymore.

[Ben]

Well, guess what? Here's something to match my sister's mouth. A potty. Okay, there's a potty off the side of the kitchen. So.

[Ronnie]

Having a party. Oh, great. Now you're gonna have a party. Okay, I see.

[Ben]

Well, good. By the way, make sure you wash your hands when you go out of the bathroom because it's. It's attached to the kitchen. You don't want to get any germs because the health department is going to come and get your pots. And pans just the way they did at the cat cafe.

[Ronnie]

Sec. I love it. It's tiny. It's right off the kitchen. Perfect. I love it. Okay, you know what? And Elka goes, you know what I just noticed in this kitchen and bathroom that are both one thing. There's not even a window. It's very dark. Like there needs to be a window.

[Ben]

Love it. Love it.

[Ronnie]

No windows.

[Ben]

Love it.

[Ronnie]

If there's a fire, you'll die in the fire.

[Ben]

What part of me putting my hands up by my head and closing my. My palms very quickly and saying, love it do you not understand? Love it. And I love it.

[Ronnie]

I love Fred because Fred goes, to each their own. Am I right?

[Ben]

Oh, God.

[Ronnie]

You want someone pooping while you're. While you're trying to cook a pop tart in the dark? You know what? If that's your thing, that's your thing. I love you, cuz.

[Ben]

Listen, cousin Fred, please tell my. Please tell my sister Kim. There's exposed wires everywhere. This is a health hazard. Love it. Love it, love it. And the discussion.

[Ronnie]

I'd pay extra for that.

[Ben]

Fred, she's not coming to the next house. I'm just telling you that right now. She's not coming.

[Ronnie]

So they go to, like, a kind of shade, dry, weedy, gross backyard, and she. Love it. The dogs are gonna love this. They're gonna love this. It's fenced in. It's fenced in, and it's fenced in. That's all.

[Ben]

You know what I love? Chain link fence. My favorite type of fence. I don't need picket. I don't need picket. Give me chain. This is this beautiful. It's chic. It's intimate. Love it. Love it.

[Ronnie]

So they go over the pros and cons. Kim's like, I really like the lighting, the Lex of space, the lack of light, the lack of taste. The yard weeds. Love the weeds. There's no carpeting, you know? And Ilka's like, yeah, you know, that bathroom's a concern. You know, there's no garage. There's no drive. You know what? Ilka has a point sometimes. Ilka squaw one for you. That was for you. Ilka.

[Ben]

But you know what? Having a bathroom off of the kitchen, if you. If you have to go number two, you can cover up the smell with marinara on the stovetop. It all works out pretty well.

[Ronnie]

So now we go to Fred's car, and now it's just Fred and Kim. Ilka has been dumped.

[Ben]

Ilka really did get dumped when she said you know what? You're not coming on the next one. I was like, okay, funny. I was like, oh, she really dropped Ilka from the show. Disappears until the end.

[Ronnie]

Why would you do that? I loved Ilka, and I have to say, say Ilka is the most patient sister of all time. Like, the. Kim is so rude to her the whole time. She.

[Ben]

Shut up.

[Ronnie]

Ilka. You know what Elka's like. Okay, you know what? Fair.

[Ben]

Fair justice for Ilka. Well, now Fred has lined up a slightly bigger house with a driveway that is somewhat livable in. So I'm just gonna assume that she'll hate it. So we're here, and they're. They're heading to it. The next house is a 300. Well, we see is a $300,000 budget, 35 minutes from Kim's business. And Kim's like, you know what? It's a bit far out. And you know what else is far out? Whatever Ilka was wearing yesterday. Do you remember that top? Oh, my God. So many circles.

[Ronnie]

I haven't seen a grocery store anywhere. Where is Ilka gonna take down missing posters and then, you know, try and call and pretend that she knows where the people are so she can get cash?

[Ben]

Fred, did you follow my joke? Did you see what I was doing there with the joke? Because you didn't laugh. I just want you to know, you're my realtor. You have to laugh. And you may be my cousin, but you're also my realtor. You gotta laugh my jokes.

[Ronnie]

I'm laughing on the inside, okay? But look, let's look at this house, okay? This house is only 265, you know, it's got a nice. You know, I mean, look, look, look, look. What's there?

[Ben]

The driveway.

[Ronnie]

It's a driveway.

[Ben]

It's a beautiful driveway. Look at the driveway.

[Ronnie]

It'll driveway.

[Ben]

It's. It's a place for me to park my car. I hate it.

[Ronnie]

It's a place you have to park your car.

[Ben]

Why do we need to have a place for me to park my car? It's just taking a minute.

[Ronnie]

Listen, it's the driveway. You know, that's what they do. So look, it's got a. It's got a white picket fence as well, you know, look at this. It's got a blue front door. What do you think of that? She's like, I don't know about the color. I don't know about the color. Oh, no, you know what? I love the color. I changed my mind. I love it. There's a white picket fence. Here. I love that too. I love it.

[Ben]

So they go inside, and it's sort of open concept because this one is. This one's bigger, and it's open concept. Has this sort of like, vaulted ceiling. Ish thing. It's like a round. It's just a taller ceiling. And it looks kind of gross in there. There's like a yellowish walls or greenish walls or something like that. And it's staged very poorly. And so she's like, you know what? This is nice, but it's a little spacious, you know?

[Ronnie]

Spacious? How is this spacious? It's not even as big as a car.

[Ben]

Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you when you go from 800 square feet to 825 square feet. It just has two rooms. Me, it's like a mansion now. I don't like it.

[Ronnie]

So. Yeah. She's like, yeah, this is too huge for me. It's like a mansion. I mean, I don't know. And he's like, well, you know, I know you like it more confined and a little darker. And she's like, yeah, you know, I wouldn't say confined, Fred. Okay, that's like a dark word. That's like, what? Like, what, is Ilka trying to date my house?

[Ben]

Come on, Fred. Fred, look at this kitchen. This is way too modern, okay? I want it renovated, but I don't want it to be Actually look good. I mean, I want something that looks like it was from, you know, 1905. I want rust, okay? I want things cracked. I want. I want drips. Things. Whatever can drip. Let it drip, okay? This is disgusting. Something that's metal, clean, new, working. I don't know, Fred. I feel like you don't really understand me.

[Ronnie]

Well, look, you know, in case you like a snack while you're working on business, you know, like, there's a fridge.

[Ben]

Look at that.

[Ronnie]

A fridge in an office, okay? Somewhere for Nathaniel to come and crash. There's the bed. What is he going to sleep on? A refrigerator? Like, is that what he's gonna sleep on, Fred?

[Ben]

It's very modern. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about this refrigerator. Refrigerators everywhere. It's too much. I mean, if I wanted. If I wanted something big and boxy here, I'd just have Elka come back.

[Ronnie]

She's also cold inside, which helps. So.

[Ben]

You know what I love?

[Ronnie]

Bedroom. They go look at number. Oh, no, they just looked at the fridge. Sorry. So then she's like, you know, like, now we're in a big bathroom they go into a bathroom. It's like one of those plastic installed showers. She goes, oh, wow, very modern, very modern.

[Ben]

She does not like this plastic shower. She's very disgusted by it. And then she's like, you know, I gotta say, Fred, I'm noticing that there's a second bathroom here in this house. We don't need to have two bathrooms, okay? It's just gonna be me and my son. If I walk in on him while he's pooping, that's what happens. I'm his mother. I've seen it all before. Why is everyone acting like it's a big deal? I want bathroom. You know what? You know what I enjoy doing? I actually really enjoy waiting to be able to use the bathroom. That's fun to me because then you stand there, you think about things, you think about life, you think about what you get doing the bathroom, and it makes the whole experience better. Why don't want to have access to. Each one of us gets our own bathroom. That's ridiculous.

[Ronnie]

Fred, he's like, well, what if Nathaniel wants privacy? You know what? What if I wanted a third boob? That's not what we have, okay? So now they go look at the backyard. And it's bigger than the last one. And it is fenced in, but chain link fence, you know, and it's kind of a rundown backyard. But she walks out, she goes, oh, my God, the dogs would love this. I love this. I prefer the inside to be more cozy, you know, but the outside, the dogs, they're gonna run around. Oh, my God, they're gonna poo poo out here. Dogs, you know what I mean? They're gonna love it here. You know, dogs, you know what they like outside and pooping and. And snacks. And snacks. Is there a snack here? Is there a snack here? Can you find me a place with a snack? Snack?

[Ben]

Is there an. How about we bring the refrigerator from the office and put it in the backyard? Okay. See? It's solved. It all worked out.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Her other big complaint about the house is that one spread. You're good. After you move out of the main, like, central public area and you go into the bedrooms, the ceiling is lower. She's like, you know what? The ceiling is very low in here. It's very like, you're the one who liked the living room in the last house that was the size of a shoe box. She's like, I don't know. As a short person, I need my ceilings to be taller. This is. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about this.

[Ronnie]

She's got such weird things that she.

[Ben]

Gets hung up on.

[Ronnie]

So they like that. So let's go to listing number three. So Fred has found a place that's closer to Kim's work, but it comes at a prize. Guys, it's 20 minutes from Kim's business, but this one. Oh, my God. First, let's watch Kim park. So Kim's like, oh, Fred, Fred, don't laugh at my lack of parking skills. She's parked, like, five feet from the curb. And he's like, like, yeah, I'm not going to say a word about that. But yikes, yikes. Give me yikes. Do you mind if I text Ilka? I do mind. I do mind. Okay. Ilka's not here for a reason.

[Ben]

Fred, Fred, I'm noticing that we seem to be on a major thoroughfare. It sounds like there'll be a lot of traffic, a lot of honking. There could be car accidents right outside my door. A lot of noise pollution. Just want to say love it, love.

[Ronnie]

It, love it, love it so much. Love it so much.

[Ben]

So much.

[Ronnie]

This one's $300,000. Wow. Wow. Huge surprise, Fred. Huge. $300,000? What am I, Freddie Rockefeller? Was that a Rockefeller? I don't even know.

[Ben]

You always, you know, you always said, he wants to be a Rockefeller. It's so. It's so funny. You know, you should just. You should just be happy for who you are. That's why I always tell Elka. Although that's why I also don't like Elka being around, because she's too much who she is.

[Ronnie]

Okay, so let me tell you. Let me tell you. Just tell me something, Fred. So you bring me to a place that's at the top of my budget. It's on a busy thoroughfare. Okay. And there's no driveway. Wow, Fred. Love it. Great work, Fred. I actually love what you do.

[Ben]

He's like, well, there's actually a driveway in the back. Well, don't tell me that, Fred. You know, you're trying to sell this house to me. Don't tell me there's actually a driveway in the back. Okay, you know, like, listen, I just.

[Ronnie]

Want you to rest assured that, you know, people are going to be entering through the back. What am I, Ilka?

[Ben]

Okay, who put these potted pink flowers here by the door? It's too charming. Okay, here's what I want. Want broken flower pots? Can you get that for me, Fred?

[Ronnie]

Can. Can you get a debt of flower? That would be great. So they Go in. And he's like, this one's gonna be pretty spectacular. Now, listen, this house has been on the market for over 100 days, which means we could get it at a lower price. Oh, my God. Ilka's been on the market for, like, 19 years. Like, what is she worth now, $2? Geez.

[Ben]

You know, it's funny that you called this house a diamond in the rough, because I call Ilka just a rough in the rough. Am I right? She's the rough. Just rough.

[Ronnie]

Pure rough roughage. Right? So this is 1903. Three bedrooms, one bath. And there's, like, a kitchen, living space, which we know she's gonna hate, right? Because she hates big places. And it's all white, dysfunctional rooms. So funny. So she's like. It's so expansive. Oh, my God, look at that. It's not. It's, like, as big as the backstage. And she goes, I love the floor. I love it. And he goes, yep, this is lvp. Lvp, baby. Oh, I.

[Ben]

You know. You know, she does. She's so hilarious on television. I didn't know that she came with her own. Her own brand of flooring. He's like, no, it. That stands for luxury. Vinyl plank Luxury. Who needs that? If I wanted luxury, I would. Well, I don't know. I was about to say something about Elka, but we know that she doesn't have anything to do with luxury. Am I right?

[Ronnie]

Can we look into svp, Maybe some struggling vinyl plank? That would be great, Fred.

[Ben]

Okay, so she's like, you know what? Look at this odd space. Look at this. So this kitchen, there's an oven, but there's, like, a little space in the corner there. That's very odd that, you know, I'd have to go around the oven to get into the cabinet. Love that idea. I love the idea of squeezing in because it'll remind me that, you know what I gotta do? I gotta use one of my One bath.

[Ronnie]

Listen, Kim, listen. It's got nice floors. It's got a functional kitchen. There's no holes in the walls, okay? What do you want from me?

[Ben]

I don't know. Maybe you could take my cousin out on a date after all. She's so unhappy, Fred.

[Ronnie]

You know what? It's just like Ilca undone, okay? It's also very bright in here, by the way. It's not bright in here. It has, like, two windows with the shades pulled down. She's like, I can barely. What am I in heaven? What am I in heaven right now, Fred?

[Ben]

It's so bright. But at least you have these lovely horizontal venetian blinds. God, height of class in here.

[Ronnie]

I love it.

[Ben]

He's like, well, if it's too bright, you just keep your shades closed. You know what? It's a smart idea. Love that. Love a workaround. You've always been my favorite cousin. I'm not going to lie, Fred.

[Ronnie]

And listen, the fact that you got a third bedroom, that's something to consider for Nathaniel. Maybe you could have the other room for a guest or an office. She goes, a guest? Guest in office. Disgusting. Both disgusting, you know, but you know what? Less cozy. But I need to think about it. I'm going to think about it real hard. Okay? And the. The title of that thought is going to be Fred's Failures.

[Ben]

Okay. Can we go right to the bathroom, Fred? Okay, so let's go to the bathroom. Look. Ugh. This medicine cabinet, this mirror, the medicine, you know, Disgusting. Ugh. And another one of these manufactured bath. You know, I don't want a. I don't want a bathtub that's manufactured and doesn't leak. What? I want a tile falling off of the wall. That's charm, Fred. Maybe you know something about it.

[Ronnie]

Well, let me tell you. You want to find the positive. Plastic fiberglass is more durable than hundred year old toilets. Okay.

[Ben]

But it's not pretty. I need. I need to have a. I need to have a shower that looks pretty. So that way when I'm in it and my eyes are closed because the shampoo. I can't get the shampoo in my eyes. Hey, I got shampoo in your eyes. You can't have it. I want to just know that this. Something pretty around me that I can't see because it's too dark.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And like, look, $300,000. That's a small fortune. Is this spectacular enough? I mean, $300,000, it should be wrapped in gold. I mean, come on, Fred.

[Ben]

I want a gold shower. I'm just going to say it right now, Fred. This is where I want to put my luxury. Can you make that for me?

[Ronnie]

But your standard versus what is reality in the market, that's a different thing. You know what? You've got a valid point, Fred. Because that's what I tell Ilka about her good go go fish pictures. You know, so you gotta be real Ilka, but not too real. Okay. You know, there's a market.

[Ben]

Ilka was on a site called Bagel meets Coffee. And then after that she's in a site called Ilka ate a Bagel. And it's just her. It's actually a very good site. She has a lot of great content on. It was her blog. She never met anyone on it though. It's too, too bad.

[Ronnie]

She did, however, find a very lovely bagel.

[Ben]

You know what the problem with Ilka, she likes an everything bagel. And I tell you, Ilka, you can't have everything. You can't have everything. Choose a seed and stick with it. That's what I tell her all the time. She'll never learn.

[Ronnie]

So they go to the backyard and this one does have pavement kind of. And it's for a two car driveway. And there's white shells in the yard. And she's. Oh, white shells. You know, because anything the dogs might leave, leave or deposit, quote unquote, might be easy to see and scoop. Am I right? Yeah, that's great. That's great, Fred. Good job. I love a backyard where you're gonna see every speck of dog poop that's ever come out.

[Ben]

I want a backyard that highlights dog feces. It's very important. I need to know what the dog feces is before I go with my cat, my cat company. Are you following Fred? I work for cats, but I care for dogs.

[Ronnie]

I'm sorry, I was texting Ilka, asking her about a bagel.

[Ben]

So now we go to the cat cafe for some decisions. So Kim has reunited with Ilka and Ilka's like, you know, the first bungalow was very vintage.

[Ronnie]

Y.

[Ben]

Please don't say it. I know you're gonna say something about my top. I love this thing. I've had it for 10 years. I'm not getting rid of it. Kimmy.

[Ronnie]

You know what? You do what you need to do. You do what you need to do. I'm eating a bagel. Do what you need to do. Eat the bagel.

[Ben]

Well, you know, I did love the flooring in the backyard of that tiny shoebox that you seem very happy with. But I personally, I'd like to see you in something bigger. I just think that'd be better for you.

[Ronnie]

Okay, okay, well, let me tell you, first of all, I'm having a VIP event here, okay? Vip. Do you understand? So, Ilka, listen to this. I'm having a VIP event here. And guess what? We're going to have here the top influences in Tampa, okay? We're going to have the top Tampa influences at this feline influencing VIP event. Can we please get footage of this VIP event? Who are you having coming to your VIP Cat fancy event?

[Ben]

Are you going to get the cube cheese From. From Publix.

[Ronnie]

I told you it was vip. Is that even a question? Of course, of course. To put over the Doritos. What am I? I'm monster.

[Ben]

Get some meats from Scaglios. They do great meats.

[Ronnie]

Okay, let me tell you about the 1930s ranch. It's got chalk.

[Ben]

Why do you have branch dressing from 1930? That's not safe.

[Ronnie]

Listen, it's edible, okay? Eat. Waste not, want not. All right?

[Ben]

Your life, your life, your choice. Put some everything seasoning on it though. It'll make it better.

[Ronnie]

All right? Being the least expensive, good sized driveway, expansive yard, vaulted ceilings, like of space, you know. Disgusting. Like really disgusting. Like, good looking place. Clean, lovely, affordable, disgusting. I don't want it.

[Ben]

I don't know. I mean, I wish I could say something, but I wasn't invited to see it in the first place, so it's hard for me to have an opinion on this one. Kimmy, I'm sorry, it's. You know, this is.

[Ronnie]

Doesn't stand for very ignorant and poor. So I'm sorry.

[Ben]

It doesn't, it doesn't. But which reminds me, are you going to get salad? For the people, they need to have a healthy option. They're going to want the influences. You want to have a salad? Cherry tomatoes. How about this? Iceberg cherry tomatoes. Italian dressing. They'll love it.

[Ronnie]

Well, the 1903 bungalow, that's got historic charm. You could feel it from the outside. It has yard, driveway, three bedrooms.

[Ben]

I mean, I don't know, that sounds great. Charm, bedrooms, functionality. So that's the one you're gonna go with, right?

[Ronnie]

No, of course not. You know, it's a con. It's a con. It's huge. Like, what, what am I gonna do with 900 square feet, please? I mean, my God, I'll be in the vacuuming all day. All right, all right.

[Ben]

It's your life. All right, so which is the one you're gonna choose? I mean, you have me here all day. Like I've got. I, like I don't have another thing to do. I've got things to do, I've got errands to do, I've got places to go.

[Ronnie]

Okay, listen, here's the one I want. I want the smallest, darkest, most disgusting place that someone poops in the kitchen while I'm trying to make spaghetti. Taking house number one.

[Ben]

All right, all right. You can choose the smallest house. And luckily your son is. Is a very small profiled person. Oh, wait. Just kidding. You have a very tall son who you're cramming. Into your tiny house, Kimmy, I don't understand you, but I love you.

[Ronnie]

And then we see. We see the son looking at it, and she's like, okay, you know what? This is your guest room. Like, it's kind of for you, it's kind of an office. It's kind of, you know, maybe where the dogs can poop, because, let's face it, they need to poop somewhere. So. And he's like, we'll work with it. We'll work with it, Mom. She's like, ah, God, I'm so glad I didn't educate you. So, you know, the thought of decorating all the rooms, you know, I decorate with different stuff. I get rid of my. All my old stuff. It's like, Dollar Store, here I am. You know, it's like, I'm back. I'm back, baby.

[Ben]

But this is a very small house. I'm not even gonna go to Dollar General. I'm going to a store called Dollar Specific, because I don't have that much space. So. So basically, the group, the gang is in the kitchen. It's like, Ilka, Kimmy, Fred, and the son. And Kim's like, you know what this is? Welcome. I'm just so glad that you're here. And Elka's like, you know, this is so you. This space is you is the vibe. It has Kimmy written all over it. Well, you better not write all over, because I'm gonna decorate it. I'm gonna cover up whatever you write on the walls.

[Ronnie]

It's like, yep. Well, this is the first and the last time any of you will be invited over here. So enjoy the kitchen.

[Ben]

Kitchen really says that. Enjoy getting used to this kitchen, because you'll never get to be back here again. Okay. My life as a water shut in starts now.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And Fred's like, okay, you know, did I do a good job? You did a great job, Fred. All right, Ilka, can I get your number, Fred? It's not going to happen, Fred. All right. And that brings us to the end of House Hunters, Cat Bistros, and I don't know what the other thing is, because it's behind dot, dot, dot.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

Loved it.

[Ben]

So funny and so good. Thank you, Ronnie, for picking that one out, because it was hilarious.

[Ronnie]

It's fun times.

[Ben]

Fun times. The episode was called Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa. So if you have a suggestion, just email [e-mail] and put DwellHello suggestion in your header, and we'll check it out and double check that it's still on HBO Max because a lot of things have changed because that's where we are pulling our content from. Thanks so much for listening and supporting one of Wondery plus our show here on Wondry plus and we'll catch you on the next Dwell hello or the main episode.

[Ronnie]

Bye.

[Ben]

Acast Powers the World's Best Podcasts here's the show that we recommend. Greetings Adventurers is the longest running Dungeons and Dragons actual play comedy podcast that has been putting out episodes each and every week since 2000 and 202012 and.

[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

Top tier comedy right here.

[Ben]

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