Dwell Hello #518: His Shirts and Her Pole in Boblingen, Germany

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #518: "His Shirts and Her Pole in Boblingen, Germany"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: September 4, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of Dwell Hello, a House Hunters International bonus recap from Watch What Crappens, follows Ben and Ronnie as they delightfully snark on the House Hunters International episode "His Shirts and Her Pole in Böblingen, Germany." The focus: a newlywed American couple—a flamboyant Marine with a loud personal style (especially known for his very short shorts and Hawaiian shirts) and his fitness-obsessed wife who's into pole dancing—relocating to a German town with their big, shaggy dog. As always, Ben and Ronnie deliver a hilarious, affectionate roast, highlighting culture clashes, wacky American expectations, and their own Real Housewives-style commentary.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Couple: His Shirts & Her Pole (01:45–07:00)

• The couple consists of Hunter, a beefy Marine with a penchant for “tight, short, pastel shorts” and “tacky Hawaiian shirts,” and Dee, a Huntington Beach, CA native with a passion for pole fitness, described as “kind of a Huntington Beach Lisa Hochstein” (05:00).

  • Ronnie: "He looks like the cop from Reno 911 who always wore short shorts" (03:59)
  • Ben: "He's sturdy...a marine...tree trunks for legs" (04:19)

• Both are described as straight out of California/Arizona central casting—“run of the mill white people”—whose aesthetic will be “imported offensively” to Germany.

  • Ben: "Do we really have to export this to Europe right now? Isn't our reputation suffering enough?" (07:18)

2. American Tacky Meets German Normcore (07:18–08:20)

• The hosts relish describing the cringe of the couple bringing “tacky” American traditions to staid German surroundings, e.g., "sitting out on the lawn with umbrella drinks and pink flamingos, even tackier in Europe" (08:07).
  • Ben: "Why are you insisting on this?" (08:07)
  • Ronnie: “I really can’t wait to go to Germany and just piss everybody off, which is kind of fun to watch.” (08:20)
• Dee’s run-ins with “the German stare” and anecdotes about German bluntness—plus Ben’s story of European waiters’ brutal honesty (08:20–09:41).

3. The Dog, American Introductions, and Their Relationship (11:07–13:00)

• The couple's antics extend to their fluffy dog Duke (with a “top pony” hairstyle), and a hilarious debate about dog intelligence and necessity of canine hair accessories (11:26).
  • Ben: "I will allow an accessibility-oriented top pony. But that's the only one." (11:56)
  • Ronnie: "That's a dumb dog. Some would say the best kind of dog." (12:17)
• Relating their relationship origin story (meeting via app, letting a near-stranger stay overnight), and the “we’ve never lived together, now we’re moving to Germany!” dynamic.
  • “I was desperate for a man…I let a complete stranger walk in and sleep on my sofa. It’s worked out ever since.” – Ben (14:26)

4. Culture Clash: US vs. Germany – “Give Me Super German!” (17:05–24:00)

• Dee’s obsession with getting a “super German house,” without really understanding what “German” means, results in ongoing mockery.
  • Ronnie: “I want a house that's basically screaming 'How many times do I have to apologize?'" (21:25)
  • Ben: “A house with no round features, only sharp 90-degree angles. That’s how German I want it to be.” (21:35)
• Hunter wants something modern and practical for the dog; Dee wants traditional and “charm.”
• Guest rooms, an office, and a dedicated pole dancing room are on the wish list (23:22).
  • Ben: “You do not need four bedrooms! …A room for the office, a room for the pole…” (23:22–23:54)
• Discussions about Germany’s dog culture (or lack thereof in rentals) segue into stats comparing dogs in Germany to American illiteracy (26:33–26:58).

5. German Realities, House Tours, and the “Pole Situation” (32:12–39:52)

• The hosts break down each housing option, riffing on the inadequacy of the first ("two bedrooms, tiny balcony, not even fit for the dog or pole"). Kevin—the house-hunting agent—is blunt, practical, and quietly roasts the Americans:
  • Ronnie (as Kevin): “I know it doesn’t have everything you asked for, but this is good for you.” (34:10)
• Continual pole jokes: every house tour includes a debate over whether there's “space for the pole.” Kevin is increasingly exasperated by the Americans’ pole fixation.

6. Notable Tangents: Disney Villain Sympathies & American Small Talk Abroad (27:28–31:34; 44:24–46:43)

• Ben and Ronnie go on a hilarious tangent about rooting for villains in children's movies ("Team Ursula! Team Hook!") while paralleling this couple's “villain” status in German suburbia (27:28–31:34).
• They riff on Americans’ need for chattiness and recognition versus the more reserved German (and Scandinavian) attitude (45:00–46:43).

7. House #2: Retro Garden House with Yard (47:10–54:49)

• The second house is retro, spacious, and has a yard—perfect for the dog and possibly the pole (though with weird stucco interiors).
  • Ronnie: “This is a time machine house. Like a seedy motel...thick stucco inside.” (47:33)
• Ben surprisingly likes the retro staircase, citing nostalgia for '80s wood paneling (48:10–48:55).
• Pole placement continues to be a running joke—will the printer get knocked off by swinging? (53:15)
• D’s desire for “more German-ness” extends to fantasies of Haribo Gummy Bear walls (51:21), triggering Ben’s trauma from visiting the Haribo HQ (51:29–52:29).

8. Oktoberfest Costuming and German Stares (55:39–57:03)

• The couple dresses up in comical Oktoberfest costumes, earning curious (and hostile) looks from locals.
  • Ben: “No one else is dressed like that. Everyone else is in jeans and a t-shirt.” (55:39)
  • Ronnie: “Think the middle finger being flipped up means the same in Germany?” (56:09)

9. The Final House: Modern/Traditional Mash-Up (58:13–66:33)

• The third house is modern, stylish, has a rooftop terrace, and “German beams”—D’s new standard for authenticity.
  • Ben: “…so beautifully German. It’s like I can hear the Brothers Grimm writing stories under this beam.” (59:58)
  • Ronnie: “Makes me want to put a kid in an oven. This is so German.” (60:08)
• The couple debates slanted ceilings (“What if I need to bolt up in the middle of the night and bonk my head?” – Ben, 63:10) and their inability to adapt to European architecture.
• D’s expectations are called out as both impossible and hilariously contradictory: "I want something that feels authentically German, but also American-sized and convenient." (64:55–65:27)

10. The Decision & Three Months Later (66:33–69:42)

• They pick the retro garden house (House #2) for its yard and space.
• Final scene: the couple, with pink flamingos in the lawn, continues their “Americanizing” tradition and pole dancing in view of neighbors, with the hosts imagining local Germans plotting subtle acts of protest (e.g., moving flower pots out of order).
  • Ronnie: “Glad they found the place. I wonder if they've been vandalized yet.” (69:15)
  • Ben: “I feel like vandalizing in Germany is like moving a flower pot a few inches out of place.” (69:35)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On American Style in Germany:

  • Ben: “Do we really have to export this to Europe? Isn't our reputation suffering enough?” (07:18)
  • Ronnie: “I want a house that's basically screaming, ‘How many times do I have to apologize?’” (21:25)

• On Pole Dancing Obsession:

  • Ronnie: "[Kevin] I don't understand the pole, I don't want to see the pole, enough with the pole." (49:13)

• On Their Relationship:

  • Ben: "I was desperate for a man…I let a complete stranger walk in and sleep on my sofa. It’s worked out ever since." (14:26)

• On Being Out of Place:

  • Ronnie: “You could make extra money here renting your face out for bounce house.” (20:13)
  • Ben: "When they see us walking down the street…they just sort of stare at us." (56:42)

• On Slanted Ceilings:

  • Ben: "What happens if I'm sleeping and then I realize I have to stand up in my bed at that very moment, very quickly? I might hurt myself." (63:10)
  • Ronnie: "You are not tall enough to ride this mirror.” (54:49)

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Timestamps for Important Sections

• Couple Introduction & Style Roasting: 01:45–07:00
• American vs. German Culture / The German Stare: 07:18–09:41
• Dog and Relationship Origin: 11:07–13:00
• Discussing House Requirements & Stereotypes: 17:05–24:00
• First House Tour (“This is Good for You”): 32:12–34:10
• Disney Villain Tangent: 27:28–31:34
• Second House (Retro, Yard): 47:10–54:49
• Oktoberfest Costumes & Local Reaction: 55:39–57:03
• Third House (Modern, Beams): 58:13–66:33
• Final Decision & 3-Months-Later Montage: 66:33–69:42

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Recap Tone

As always, Ben and Ronnie's tone is lovingly irreverent—a blend of affection for Bravo trash, cultural satire, and their own brand of “mock because we love” humor. The language veers from Housewives references to over-the-top German stereotypes, full of playful snark and quotable observations.

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For Listeners

If you haven't watched this House Hunters International episode, Ben and Ronnie's recap will more than prepare you for the culture cringe, MLS madness, and joyful secondhand embarrassment. This was a classic Dwell Hello session—hilariously sharp, weirdly insightful, and packed with “is this real life?” moments that only American reality TV and a sharp-tongued podcast can provide.

Transcript

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[B]

Ding dong.

[A]

Ding ding.

[B]

Ding dong ding ding. Well, hello.

[A]

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

It's a Watcho Crappens House Hunters podcast bonus thing that we do here for Wondry Plus. Thanks so much for coming over here and listening. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. What's going on, Ronnie? How are you?

[B]

Good. How's it going with you today, sir?

[A]

Oh, it's. It's going really well. It's going really, really well. I had a lovely breakfast at a place called Toastique, which I thought was the funniest name I've ever heard.

[B]

Toastique.

[A]

Toastique.

[B]

Toastique.

[A]

We're going to go to Toastique, which they have some really good toasts.

[B]

It's very Orange County.

[A]

It's very. Isn't it so? It's so Orange County.

[B]

You should have called up Kiki Monique to meet you at Toastique and talk about beak.

[A]

I should have. Okay. This has nothing to do with what we're talking about today, because today it is House Hunters and it is House Hunters Season 200, Episode 6. The name is his shirts and her pole in Boblingen, Germany. Just look up his shirts and her poll. We found it on HBO Max, formerly Max, formerly formerly HBO Max. Now back to being HBO Max formally Max or hbo. But this is a. Actually, I just to clarify, this is House Hunters International, not House Hunters. If you see an episode that you really like, be sure to email [e-mail] and put Dwell. Hello Suggestion that exact phrase into the subject line. So that way we can easily look it up when we are looking for ideas. Many because of HBO and HBO Max and all this stuff happening with that app. They've actually gotten rid of a bunch of House Hunters episodes. So just double check that it's available on that app. We. Because that's where we're really looking for or. Or YouTube TV.

[B]

This was actually suggested by Wendy and Savannah. So thank you guys for the suggest.

[A]

Thanks, Wendy and Savannah. Shall we dive right into it? Should we get into this?

[B]

Let's do urban. Let's get to it. So this couple. Wow. So this guy is very bright. He wears very short shorts in pastels.

[A]

Tight, short, tight.

[B]

Very, very tight. He looks like the cop from Reno911 who always wore short shorts.

[A]

Dangle.

[B]

Dangle. Dingle.

[A]

Yeah, Officer Dangle. I think it's Dangle. I think it was Dangle. Yeah, he. He's got. He's got thick legs too. He really is like.

[B]

He's hot.

[A]

He is sort of hot in a beefy ofie straight guy way, right? Yeah, like, yeah, like, he's sturdy. He's like a sturdy guy. He's a marine.

[B]

Thick legs on him.

[A]

He's got some tree trunks going on right there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So yeah, he's like. He kind of dresses like Goose from Top Gun, which is top of mind because.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Just was talking about Top Gun.

[B]

And he looks like also the guy from that soccer show. What's that soccer show called on Apple. I was like, oh, it's the most feel good show ever.

[A]

Ted.

[B]

Yeah, he looks like Ted Lasso.

[A]

Ted Lasso.

[B]

Ted Nugent. So that's him. And she is kind of a crazy faced. She's kind of like a Huntington Beach Lisa Hochstein. She's got kind of Lisa Hochstein face. Yes. They're both really tacky. Like strip mall, you know, run of the mill white people from California.

[A]

That's what they look like. Yeah.

[B]

And they're showing up in Germany.

[A]

Technically, he's from Arizona. But when she says that she's from Huntington Beach, California, it's like you didn't even have to say it. You didn't have to say it because you look like every single person I've ever seen come out of Huntington Beach, California.

[B]

Yeah. When she said she is from Huntington Beach, I said we know. We know. Okay. We have eyes.

[A]

Yeah, we can tell. We could tell.

[B]

For those of you who don't know Huntington beach, that's Orange County. So there you go. You know, the Orange county looks. We all watch OC So we all know the look.

[A]

It's like, where it's. I don't know if Tamara's son Ryan ever lived in Huntington beach, but if he did, I would not be surprised. That's Huntington Beach.

[B]

Yes. Huntington beach is, like, not as fancy as some of the places they live on the OC but, you know, it's. It's that kind of general area look.

[A]

It's like where, like, the OC Angels would go to hang out would be. It's like. It's. It's like Ryan before he became a cowboy would be, like, very Huntington Beach. Now he's not hunting Huntington beach necessarily, but he sort of is, actually.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, so now we go to Hunter. He's been an officer in the marine Corps for 10 years, and when he's not working, he has his own style of uniform. It's extremely tacky. So he's like, yeah, going for a little bit of a Magnum PI look, as you can see here, guys.

[A]

Well, D. His newlywed bride likes to stay in shape by sledding it up on a pole. And then we. Then he's like, yeah, you're a stripper. She's like, I'm not a stripper.

[B]

And then we get Kevin, who we've seen many times on House Hunters International, the realtor, and he's like, they are going to really stand out here in Port Bion. Wow. I'm hoping we don't get attacked on way to home showing, because he should look crazy.

[A]

This is. There. There was a big cringe factor this episode, watching this guy in his, like, short shorts and very bright Hawaiian shirts just walk around, and then she's just sort of in, like, Huntington beach outfits, just walking around formal Germany. And I was like, do we really have to export this to Europe right now? Like, does this. Is this really what we world?

[B]

Isn't our reputation suffering enough?

[A]

Yeah, please, come on, help us out. Okay.

[B]

Help.

[A]

Help.

[B]

I mean, even when they end up with their house at the end, they're sitting there out on the lawn with their drink. You know, they're like, floofy umbrella drinks, iced teas or whatever, and they've got pink flamingos in the yard. And I'm like, you know, what are you guys. Why are you insisting on this?

[A]

Why in America? This is already tacky in America, and we already have a base level of tackiness that's unacceptable in Europe. Okay, why are you doing this?

[B]

They're like, I really can't wait to go to Germany and just piss everybody off, which is kind of fun. To watch. So, Andy, you know, they're talking about their style and how wacky they are. And D tells us, yeah, the German stare, guys. It's a real thing. Yeah, wait until you hear the fucking disdain that comes out of their mouth once you learn a little bit of the language. Because German people are not going to hold back, I can tell you that right now. I used to work with a lot of German people, and they would. We had to run. I told you about this. It was like a European traveling 1920s tent, and it was like a five. It was a very fancy, like, dinner theater kind of experience. And it was a Cirque du Soleil type, so there were, like, trapeze people in the middle. It was really gorgeous. And all the waiters, except for five of us, were from Europe, and so there were a lot of Germans. And we had to run the plates out in one number. We had to, like, run all the plates in a circle. And they would always tell me, sneller, fatso, Sneller, fatso, move in. And one of the guys told me, oh, my God, you are so handsome, but you eat so much. Maybe eat less. And then he grabbed me and made out with me, and I was like, wow, this is. This is the kind of hospitality I could get used to. You know, it's just like, straight up brutal honesty and then a makeup that means that story.

[A]

That story made me sneeze. I had an allergic reaction. Yeah, yeah, they're. Yeah, the Germans will definitely tell you. So now the episode begins, and D is like, I grew up in Huntington Beach, California. And he's like, yeah. And I was raised in Mesa, Arizona. Like, this is basically an inverted, you know, Kelly. Kelly Dodd relationship we're seeing here, because she's.

[B]

I mean, and he's. Oh, was he from Hunter Beach, Michael?

[A]

I don't know. It's just seemed like a really interesting parallel to draw in the moment. And then it fell apart very quickly.

[B]

Well, I feel like they are both like, the human embodiment of pins on a map of where they're from, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you know how they have the pins on the map, on the visual here on House Hunters? It's like they could just put their figures. It's like, you know, Huntington beach and. Yes, you are from Mesa, Arizona.

[A]

You know, on the Amazing Race, whenever they reach, like, a checkpoint and Phil is standing there and they check in, they always have, like, a representative of, like, the country and, like, the local culture and, like, local, like, traditional garb to greet them. They're like, welcome to Mongolia. I feel like the. She's like, huntington Beach. Like, welcome to Huntington Beach. And he is Mesa, Arizona. Like, they are like the Amazing Race avatars for, like, welcome to my local culture. Exactly.

[B]

And they met on a dating app because where else would you meet? And we see them check into a hotel in Bob Linton, Germany, with the puppy. Their puppy is so fucking cute. I can't. With their dog, it's this big shaggy poodle type thing and they put a big bow on or like a big top pony on top of his top pony.

[A]

I was so mad at that top pony because it reminded me of the dog in animal Crossing. When you play animal crossing and you have to like, go like, there's a dog who, like, when you log on in the morning, she makes announcements and she's like, hello, islanders. Today it's going to be sunny and it's a dog and she has a little top pony and I can't stand her. I don't like dogs with hot ponies in general. But then Dom did tell me that it's actually to keep the hair out of the dog's eyes the dog can see. Which I was like, okay, I doubt.

[B]

I will allow us to keep the dogs out of the hair out of the dog's eye.

[A]

I will allow it. I will allow an accessibility oriented top pony. But that's the only one because, you.

[B]

Know, this dog barely knows how to co potty outside, but she's already trying to teach it how to like, hang upside down from that pole. You know, it's just. This is that kind of lady. He's like, you're going to get a ponytail, you're going to hang upside down, you're going to make some dollars. I don't care where you pee. Okay, that's a clean.

[A]

That's a dog that goes in circles a lot. You know, that's a dumb dog. You can tell that's a dumb dog, which is not. Which is fine, actually. Like, dumb dogs are actually hilarious like that. Some. Some would say even a dumb. A dumb dog is the best kind of dog, but that's definitely a dumb dog.

[B]

I say that about boyfriends. So Hunter is like, oh, yes, we're gonna be needing a room that's dog friendly and print friendly. We both love prints and bright colors. Huntington beach friendly, please.

[A]

Poll friendly, please. Like, we do not allow Polish people here. Oh, no. That means something else in Europe.

[B]

God, honey, I guess we're gonna have to get ready for a lot of poll jokes.

[A]

So Hunter's like, Yeah, I was in 29 palms at the time, using a lot of my one palm, if you know what I'm saying. So I was maxing out my radius to possibly meet some women from San Diego or Orange County. It was. It was pretty tough.

[B]

You got a lot of blow jobs from dudes, I'll tell you that much. I've been to 29 palms many, many a time. It's right by Palm Springs, and there's a base there. And my God, it's fun to go out there. The guys are so hot. All the military guys. Oh, my God.

[A]

How does this.

[B]

I love just going to the Mexican restaurant there and just looking at all the guys when they're like, I don't know, in town and just looking so hungry, hungry, hungry man. 29 palms. Wow.

[A]

29 palms. That sounds exciting. It is. Oh, it is. Do you ever hook up. Do you ever hook up with someone from 29?

[B]

No, I couldn't do that. I feel like they'd be like, get down and give me 20.

[A]

And you're like, can't do 20.

[B]

20.

[A]

When you're like, you. You're like, why don't you get down and do 20?

[B]

You're lucky I even got out of a chair for this. Okay, sir, I'm giving you 20. Anything. So Dee's like, oh, yeah. You were a two and a half hour drive away. So I said, come over. Remember, I'll leave you the key. I just left him a key. I said, make yourself at home. And so I met you on my couch. That's where we met each other. And so we do.

[A]

In Huntington Beach, I was basically so desperate for a man that I let a complete stranger just walk in the door and sleep on my sofa. It's worked out ever since.

[B]

Mm. Yeah. Even though we're newlyweds, we are kind of nervous because we've never lived together before in the same house. I mean, in Europe someplace. We've never been together at all at the same time, but why not? Why not? You know, she has a decent couch. It's an actual sectional. It's not just a couch with a long chase end, which I really can't stand. It's an actual corner piece and separate pieces on the side. That's my kind of woman right there.

[A]

If he had actually said that, I'd be like, this guy's my hero. Because there is a difference. There is a difference. Okay.

[B]

Calling him sectionals. It's a long couch. You're trying to trick me with your chase.

[A]

Yeah, like, I understand it's a different section. You can take it off, and it's modular. But you can't sit in, like, a nice arrangement with those things. I can't stand that. And I'm saying that as someone who had one of those sofas. So they arrive in their hotel room, and D is like, well, I mean, how's. How's our dog supposed to fit in this doggy bed? Because there's like a little doggy bed made for, like, a chihuahua. And the big dog is, like, confused, like putting a paw in it. Doesn't sure what. Not sure what to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Off to a great start.

[B]

He's like, well, it's gonna be a tough adjustment trying to maintain and keep her job. She's like, oh, yeah. I'm still working in the hours of the state. So when it's night time there, it's morning here. Oh, no. Yeah. Not a lot of nightlife. I guess I'll be pulling in the morning. Yeah, pulling in the morning. We've seen that in Huntington. After we got engaged, we had to decide where we're gonna live. We said, why not somewhere that they're gonna hate us? Let's just go somewhere they're gonna absolutely fucking hate us.

[A]

At first we were gonna go to Connecticut, but then we're like, you know what? Germany's available, so let's go there instead. We never found out what her job was, did we? Right. I was very curious to know what her. Nine to five essential oils.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Essential oils. I don't know what it is.

[B]

Yeah, something like that.

[A]

Make oils in America again.

[B]

He says that an opportunity opened up in Europe, so let's just go for it. We're gonna make our first home together in Germany, guys. Kevin's like, oh, my God. Please, please, no. Please turn back. Turn back for your own safety.

[A]

Why does TV network always send me these people? Well, it's Boblingen. I think it's. I feel like he said it differently as a bomblet. Boblingen. Boblingen. Boblingen. Bobingen.

[B]

I don't know. I watched this two days ago and I've already forgotten it. Sorry for the immigrants.

[A]

Yeah. Well, he basically tells us that Boblingen used to be a very small stupid with less than 10,000 people living here. And after the Second World War, it grew a lot. And there's an army base here now, so Hunter is based. He basically says it's because of him, because he. I think he got stationed there or something like that.

[B]

Boblingen.

[A]

Oblingen. So it's like an ang, not a gin.

[B]

Yeah, Bublingen. So, yeah, there's a. There's a place. Omni Base there. And he's like, yeah, you know, and this is a move because of me. And the only anxiety I feel with this move is making sure Dee's happy. Because look at D. Wouldn't you want to make this woman happy? God. I took her to a hot dog on a step. It became a mess. I'm not gonna lie. She really did try to dance on that thing. But God bless her, she's just got the chutzpah. That's what I say.

[A]

She's like, well, I think the only time that we really butt heads is over your sense of cleaning, because everything needs to be in its place. No dust, no crumbs. All the tuna cans had to face forward. Close the cupboard, put the clothes away, make sure you turn off the oven. You know, things like that. Okay. Don't put the iron in the bathtub. God, so many rules.

[B]

Yeah. I. At first, I thought she was saying he was the anal one because he looks really anal. He's one of those guys, look at me, don't I dress fun? But he's in, like, super short, tight, tight shorts, and everything's like. Even as a wine shirt is, like, perfectly ironed. And his facial hair is there, but it's, like, perfectly trimmed. I mean, he looks very anal. I thought he was the anal one. But no, he's the messy one. He's like, no, you know, there's pile. Yeah. Because he says, yeah, you know, there's piles of clothes. Like, there's some. Some are dirty. There's. Okay. He says, dirty piles of clothes and clean pile of clothes. And once you wear the clean clothes, you transfer them over, and then that's a good circle, you know? So he's saying, like, I don't even fold my clothes.

[A]

You're totally right, because when he said that, I. I don't. I just didn't even register the part that, like, it was two piles. I just was heard, clean and dirty pile. And I thought he was telling. Trying to explain to her how you do laundry. I was like, wow, she's really messy. She doesn't even put her dirty clothes in the dirty clothes pile. He's like, it's a very simple thing. Put the dirty clothes in the dirty pile. And she's like, no.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Because he looks super anal, but I guess he's the dirty one.

[A]

No.

[B]

So there you go.

[A]

Oh, God. I really got that wrong, huh?

[B]

And Kevin's like Hunter and D, I think, are going to really stand out here. And bubbling Bob Ling Boblingen. Look around. No bubling in. I just looked it up on the Internet, and still I. Fuck. Look around. I mean, it's not like anyone else's dress. Look around. And everybody else is like, in very muted kind of H and M looking clothes. And then it's just because to these two fucking Easter bunnies hopping down the.

[A]

Road, everyone's like, in, like, earth tones and formal wear. And then it's just like his thighs. We just see his thighs walking through the town square. So Kevin's like, I can already see you brought the sunny colors from California and you brought your dog as well. And they're like, yes. That was an insult. Actually, was actually two insults.

[B]

I can see you brought all of your fillers and crazy face. They're going to have fun with you. Do you. Do you could make extra money here renting. Renting face out for Bounce house. Would you like. Would you like number? She's like, oh, God, I love him. I can't wait to invite Kevin over for some my ties.

[A]

Oh, I see you brought your disruptive colors and a animal that cannot be a working part of our society. Thank you so much.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we brought Duke. I would just love something very German. Here's what I'm into. Super Germany, okay? Super, super German aesthetic. That's what I want. I just wanted to scream, Germany. All right? Now she has no idea what she's talking about. Like, everything they see, she's like, I don't think that's German enough. I mean, where's the German? Am I right?

[A]

I want to be in a place that looks so German you just feel like you're at Oktoberfest, but also has easy access to a Hawaiian shirt store. Is that possible? No. It's very important for us to be in a house that looks super German, but to dress incredibly American. Is that. Is that possible?

[B]

I want a house super German. I want to be in a house that's basically screaming. How many times do I have to apologize? Okay? That's what I want in the house.

[A]

I want. I want a house that has no round features, only sharp 90 degree angles. That's how German I want it to be.

[B]

I wanted an assistant in the house to wake me up in the morning by telling me to get my ass in gear and stop wasting my fucking life, okay? That's what I want. I want a very honest German home.

[A]

So. But Hunter's like, but I'm looking For more modern, definitely an outdoor space for a dog, preferably a yard. Hard. You know what is cool about German? Like if you're, if you want something that looks like traditionally German but also very modern, I feel like Germany, like that. Germany, Germany can do it all. Because I think Germany can be both like crazy modern and also crazy fairy taley. And I feel like there's just like no way to go wrong in Germany. Right. When it comes to German architecture. Like, I remember one time I went to Berlin and there was, there was a nightclub and there was all these people standing in line for it and they were all very modern. It was East Berlin, so everything was like very modern. And the club was called Sleek. I just thought that was so funny. No, no, no, I'm sorry. It was called Stark. It was called Stark. Stark. Even more German.

[B]

Very on the nose. It is stark. We only give you glass here. Nothing in.

[A]

Is a nightclub in a white room. That is it.

[B]

So he wants three bedrooms, three to four bedrooms. They want guests and family guys to come over. It's just another, another bus full of crazy looking people to come torture the state or the country. And so on the screen we see wish list. Three to four bedrooms. She wants her own office space. She's going to be selling those nutrition shakes pretty hard. So she's going to need a space.

[A]

This, this is unrealistic. You are two people with a dog. You do not need four bedrooms. Okay. I mean, maybe you'll have a child, but like right now, that was not, it was not part of any of the discussions. So you do not need four bedrooms. Too many. Too many.

[B]

Well, I think they want a whole room for the Pole, right?

[A]

Yeah, I guess there's a room for the office. So they live in one room. They sleep in one room. A room for the pole, a room for the office. And I guess what the other room is for guests, I guess is that. That's how it works out. I suppose.

[B]

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't know.

[A]

Well, I don't. Wow, it really adds up.

[B]

Yeah. So pole dancing, obviously that's on there. A space for that. And she's like, I would love a kitchen where we could cook together. And I want to be close to the city. Close to the city, okay. That's very important. So, you know, it's pretty traditional. That's a traditional ask. And she wants some sort of a life outside of the work, you know, work from home, office. So she's going to need to be close to some very stark clubs.

[A]

What does it Mean, you want a kitchen that you can all cook in as opposed to a kitchen, but you can't cook in together.

[B]

Like, I guess that could be a spacious.

[A]

Yeah, okay, spacious.

[B]

But unfortunately I wanted to be big enough for me, Hunter and his legs, which are huge.

[A]

Unfortunately, here in babbling, we only have one at a time kitchens. Whereas one person goes in at a time and then the other one leaves and waits their turn. Then they go in and then they cook and then you swap. It's very orderly.

[B]

And of course they want a four bedroom home with the stripper pole for $2,700 and a yard. So Kevin's like, oh, they're going to have to compromise, you know, because big, spacious area for pole dancing. That could be a problem. Don't do. We don't have that problem.

[A]

I went to a polka event and there was. Took much space for all those people to do their dancing. Like, no, not actual pole dancing, pole dancing. Oh, you have to.

[B]

We don't do pole dancing here. We dance on bratwurst here. It is more economical.

[A]

So stupid.

[B]

So Kevin's like, oh, I have to tell you, the Germans love dogs. But when it comes to renting out places, they get very strict about dogs, which is why all of our dogs you see mostly in the street begging for things. There's a tap dancing one over there. You really have to really have to teach your dog how to survive out here. Look at that one. Oh, look at that one. Singing over the rainbow. Very good dog. This one makes money. This one will live.

[A]

Yes, we love our dogs, but you know, it's really hard. It would really have to narrow down the search, mainly because we only like narrow dogs. So we have to have narrow apartment for narrow dogs. We love our dogs. We hate our dogs.

[B]

Yeah. I got the impression that he was like, yeah, we don't do dogs in Germany, so good luck.

[A]

That's American.

[B]

It's okay with mongrels. Okay. Because we don't do that here.

[A]

So Hunter says, we are both very competitive, but, like, I always defer to her. So she, like, always wins out. She goes, you don't let me win, I win. I was like, okay, all right. Kelly Preston from Jerry Maguire.

[B]

Relax, listen, I love a competitive stripper. Yes, people have dogs in Germany. In fact, dogs are very popular with 21 of German households owning dogs. Isn't that crazy? Because yesterday I was looking up stats for how many illiterate people were in America and it was 21% of Americans are illiterate. And that's the same Amount of people that have dogs in Germany. It's a lot of people.

[A]

Wow. Okay, wow.

[B]

But unfortunately, dogs are as popular in Germany as illiteracy is in America. Think about that.

[A]

But do the. But are those dogs allowed in the house? That's the other question.

[B]

They all live on the streets.

[A]

All of the. Now you must live on the street. You live on the street now. Do you know what I watched last night for the first time in my life? You're never going to believe it. Well, take a one wild guess. One wild guess. A movie I should have seen as a child I've never seen before.

[B]

Annie?

[A]

No. Peter Pan. I'd never seen Peter Pan before. Isn't that crazy?

[B]

What do you think of it? Did you like it?

[A]

Well, you know, it hasn't aged terribly well, given that it has incredibly racist depiction of Native Americans. Like crazy. You're like, what am I watching? But let me tell you something. Captain Hook. Captain Hook. I'm rooting for. I was rooting for him. He's. First of all, he's dressed fabulously. He's got body, you know, he's got face. I don't know. I don't see why he's so bad. You know, Peter Pan's a little twerp. But the reason why I brought this up is because they take their dog and they put their dog outside and they're like, you know, I'm talking about Nana the dog.

[B]

Yeah. They just leave the dog out. My mom made us do that with our dog growing up. It was horrible. BJ was his name. We had to leave him outside. BJ had a terrible life. I'm sure he was never allowed on the inside. What kind of dog lives like that? I will never forgive my parents or myself for allowing that to happen.

[A]

But maybe it was worth it because BJ went on and started a wholesale club. So, you know, you go through hardship. That's true. Or you get to the good stuff.

[B]

Peter Pan. I find that you, as you get older, you start rooting for the villains in the movies because you. You see their point. You know, like, I watched. I took my niece to see Little Mermaid, and I'm like, okay, what did Ursula do? Really? Like, she offered you a deal, you took the deal, and then you wanted to go back on the deal.

[A]

Like, you made the deal.

[B]

Give her your voice. Like, why is she the bad guy? I can understand why she's pissed.

[A]

Team Ursula. Team Hook. I mean, those are two of my favorite gays out there, I have to say.

[B]

Like, yeah, you know, like, they the stepmother and Cinderella. Why should. Why shouldn't you have to clean up a little bit, do your chores, and then you can go to the ball like anybody else?

[A]

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah, some new, young little butthead moves into the neighborhood and tries to take over. Of course you want her stem cells. Put her down. I mean, I get it.

[A]

Do we even. Do we even need to bring up Pinocchio, that obnoxious little puppet boy, like, going off. He should have become a donkey.

[B]

You should. Yeah, he was the worst. Fucking Pinocchio. Wanting to be a real boy. Oh, until you have to poop. Great. Great choice. Idiot. Meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to become dolls. You know? I mean, the grass is really always greener, isn't it?

[A]

By the way, you know who's a real bitch? Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell is a bitch. You watch that. Watch Peter Pan again and you will see Tink is a.

[B]

What does he do? I don't remember.

[A]

What does she not do? She is so mean. She's so mean to Wendy. She's very competitive with Wendy, and she basically sells out Peter Pan for nothing. I mean, like, she is mean the entire time. And then, like, when she realize she, like, sells out Peter Pan, and then, of course, Captain Hook, like, traps her in that lantern. So she's like. She's like, oh, no, I've learned my lesson. But she never has, like, a moment where she's like, you know what, Wendy? I misjudged you. She's just like, no. Still, Wendy, She's such a bitch, and.

[B]

She'S such a diva. Like, when she's almost dying in the play, you have to clap to make her come back to life. And the more applause she gets, the more she lives. And, I mean, I get it. I get it. So I get Tinkell and also fuck Wendy, too. Wendy's like, no, don't do this. Don't do that. Be mature. Shut up, Wendy. You know what, Wendy? If it wasn't for these immature people, you would be eaten by a fucking crocodile. Okay?

[A]

Boys need mothers. No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No. That was the problem in the first place.

[B]

The mother put the dog outside. The mother let the kid, you know, go gallivant with pirates. Yeah. No.

[A]

By the way, that dad. That dad was punching way up with that with his wife there. I mean, she was so hot. And he is like, this disgusting schlub. He didn't. You should know. I mean, he complained the entire time.

[B]

Yeah, the darlings. Shut up. Okay? Shut up.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

Team Hook.

[A]

Team Hook.

[B]

So Kevin's like, okay, well, as you can see, we are pretty much in the center of town. Look at all the dogs out there. Eating, drinking coffee outside because they are not allowed inside. It's very close to your workplace, Hunter. I know this because lots of very hungry looking men come. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm getting sidetracked. So as you can see, you have everything you need. Everyday amenities, because you are in the absolute center. The absolute center of town. Do you understand? Also, the train station is very close because most people are going to look at your face and try to flee. So that's happy. Mostly for us.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So they're looking around and D is, of course, like, would there be some place for my poll? He's like, I'm not sure I understand. Are you talking about Frederic Chopin or Roman Polanski? No, not a literal poll. You have to understand, in America, we put Poles up in our rooms and we dance in them.

[B]

We have an entire land for Poles. It's called Poland. I should send you on the train. Let us see.

[A]

Oh, my God. A land dedicated to pole dancing. Why are we here in Germany?

[B]

House number one city. Apartment. Two bedroom, one and a half bath. Four, fourth floor, near amenities. Pole ready. Small, no yard. Okay. Not even close. Kevin. I love that. Kevin's not even trying. They're like three to four bedrooms, big kitchen. And he's like, you'll get nothing.

[A]

This was.

[B]

I.

[A]

This is so bad. No, I was gonna say this was so bad. Every now and then we watch House Hunters and they give an option so bad, they just cross it off before we even, like, continue with the episode. Like, we don't even bother thinking that. It's like. It's not even a question that this is gonna get crossed up at the end of the episodes. They don't even bother trying to make us think it's in the running. They just cross it off in the first 10 minutes. That's what this place was. It met none of their requirements.

[B]

I told you. A couple weeks ago, I went to a party and saw these waiters I used to work with here at the Moroccan restaurant in Los Angeles. And one of them is named Katrine. She's this German girl. And we just love her because she is so blunt and so fucking rude. I mean, honestly. And she's beautiful. This beautiful blonde, very angular, German, Czech. And one time a customer was like, yeah, I'm gonna have to send this back. I really don't like this fish. And she goes, you know what this is Good for you. This is good for you. And then she just walked off. That is what Kevin just did right now. They're like, this isn't what we asked for. He's like, this is good for you. Go up, look at it.

[A]

This is good for you.

[B]

You just got katrined. So.

[A]

So? So Kevin's like, yeah, even though you would like four bedroom apartment with yard and room for pole. How about one bedroom apartment, no yard, no pole, and also no roof and also no electricity. Do you like that?

[B]

She's like, would there be some space for my pole? He goes, well, maybe there. Right in the middle of the living room. Or you be judge. You know you'll be judge.

[A]

Well, I tried to run for local judge in Huntington beach, but I wasn't allowed. Well, there's. Okay. Is there outdoor space? Maybe there's an outdoor space. We can put the pole. And he's like, well, no. So here's an outdoor space. It's actually a balcony facing a backyard. Oh, but no actual backyard. No, just facing backyard. In Germany, we call that backyard. When you look at backyard, but not yours, it's actually called your backyard.

[B]

Your little doggy could look at backyard and maybe think of pooping there, but it can't actually poop there. So as long as you have invisible bags to clean up all the poop, your dog cannot poop.

[A]

You also have. You also have a view from your balcony to a light pole. So that is sort of like having room for pole. No.

[B]

Well, I'm not sure about this. Yeah, no backyard. And I know it doesn't have everything that you asked for, but the good side, we're at 2,300amonth for this. So let's take a look. So they look over it. It's really small. It's not. It's modern. He's saying it's modern, which basically means stark, you know, and it's fine. I think this one's okay. It's nothing. What they're asking for, but Dee is like, wait a minute. Where is the German charm here? Okay, can I have some clocks with some little birds popping out at noon? I mean, what the heck? What do I gotta do for the German charm?

[A]

You know, Every time. Every time Hunter brings a new knickknack from traveling or a mug or whatever it is, my first thought is, where can I hide it? Am I right? Which explains why I want to have a house that looks like a giant knickknack itself, right?

[B]

Lady, you can't talk about how you want to hide all your tacky's husband things when you want to put a pole in the living room.

[A]

I know.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, come on now.

[A]

Yeah. Let's be honest here.

[B]

So, yeah. So this isn't going to work. So then he's like, well, obviously I'm not an expert in pole dancing, so I think it's kind of a trial and error thing. Mostly I suspect it will be error by looking at her, but we will see.

[A]

So, you know, they're like, yeah, they're just sort of like, looking around. This is really just such a bad place. He shows. Okay. He has main bedroom over here, and there's also an integrated office. I'm like, having a desk in a bedroom is not an integrated office, Kevin. It's a desk and a bedroom.

[B]

So they talk about the pole more, and she's like, oh, the pole's no big deal. It's just another form of athleticism. Okay. He's like, huh? So the balcony, it's accessible from here from the bedroom, also from the living room, also from the office, also from the kitchen, also from the downstairs. That they will.

[A]

They're all in the same room.

[B]

Actually, the same thing. But where's the space for Duke? I wanted a German space for Duke. Where is Duke gonna put on his little leader hose in.

[A]

Hey, do you think we can start calling him Archduke now that he's in Germany? Wasn't there an Archduke here once? No. Is that Serbia? Trying to make a World War I reference? I'm realizing it doesn't make a whole lot of sense right now. Now. No way. Okay, I'll just. I'll walk that one back. That was. That was being topical of history and geography, and I'm just gonna get back on my pole. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, let's just get back up here. Being in Germany is going to be a big adjustment for me. Huge. I'm really close with my family, and I just want more space so we can host guests. I just love having guests. But it needs to be really true. I want my mom to come in here and go, what are we, Germany?

[A]

Is there room for my mom to have a poll too? I just want to make sure that everyone in my family gets a chance to get on the Pole. No. Only for one pole. No.

[B]

So this one's too cramped. And he's like, okay, well, I know it doesn't have everything on your wish list, but I thought I'd show you something close to amenities and close to town center. Since everything will be new now, we'll go to Some realistic places you can afford, which is poo.

[A]

Poo.

[B]

Okay? We are going to a part of town which I call poop.

[A]

Okay? Hunter's like, yeah. I mean, with two people and a hundred pound dog, it'll probably be a little tight. But enough about my shorts. Am I right, everyone?

[B]

And she's like, yeah, I'm not sure about this place. It's really modern. It's not giving that German charm. Really into German charm. I want a beer stein. Okay? I want a beer stein as a coffee table. That's it. And he's like, well, listen, I can usually tell what you're thinking, honey, mostly because you say it out loud. Loud, very loudly in my face until I agree with you. But, you know, I can tell you're maybe not entirely satisfied with this. What gave me that idea, Kevin, that I said I'm not entirely satisfied with the place? Jesus.

[A]

I just love her saying it's not giving that German charm that I'm looking for. You know what else isn't? You two, okay? You're going to take away all the charm of these neighborhoods, so shut up.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Okay, so now we go to. Now it's time to. To heading. Heading off to another place. And first they go to a natural wine spot. It's called off grid. Now is the time that you have off grid natural wine. This wine is very natural. You drink it now. So off the grid.

[B]

Unlike wine that you plug in. What do you. What do you have? Solar panel wine. Like, what is this? Was. What is this? Does wine not get wi fi? I mean, what does this mean?

[A]

We Germans are actually not allowed to go off of a grid. Everything must be in little squares. This is.

[B]

Normally we drink grid wine here in Germany, but this one is off grid. So the employee is like, what kind of wine do you like? She's like, something German. How about that? I want super Germany wine. Give me that.

[A]

I want the wine to look like it's coming out of a stein. Can you actually serve the wine in a stein? That way it feels like a beer, but it's a wine. Is it off of grid or on the grid that you prefer?

[B]

I want this wine. Singing Vilkamen from Cabaret. That's how German I want it. Okay, give me your most German wine. And they're like, okay, how about Riesling? She's like, fine. I mean, is that from Germany? Great, give it to me. Give me a double.

[A]

So Hunter says, well, even though we're newlyweds, we're just jumping in with both feet again. That's also how I get into my shorts. Just like. Just like she invited me over to her house the very first night. God, I loved having banging her on that dusty, mangy sofa that she had so many great memories of. Huntington Beach.

[B]

He's like, wow. D. D is left behind. Dee has left all she left behind. Wait, I'm sorry. D has narrator. You're confusing me, Linda. With his sentence.

[A]

Left all she left behind.

[B]

D has left all she left behind. Except for one thing. I really got into pole dancing. We know D for sake man. And Hunter's like, yep, you're a stripper. I'm not a stripper, honey. A Marine marries a stripper. That's a huge. That's going to be a huge headline in Germany. They're going to love that one.

[A]

Typical story. I mean, wait till they find out that we went off the grid too. Geez. So now. Now they go to the park and the narrators. Hunter has brought something from the States as well. And he goes, well, almost every day I have to wear a uniform so I can choose how I dress. I can do whatever I want. That's why I wear these crazy clothes, because I hate being in a uniform. Like, you know, people, first of all, that's your choice to be have a job where you're in a uniform. And also, like, people dress in uniforms all the time. Like, he's acting like he's so oppressed.

[B]

He's like, oh, finally, it's me. This is me living my free, true life. I just love that they're like, we're here. We are living out loud in Hawaiian shirts, short shorts, and stripper poles. That's our thing, guys. So he's like a Hawaiian shirt. Makes me feel happy at all times. Yeah.

[A]

And so did we find out that. That Hunter got his style because since he was stationed near Palm Springs, she goes, yeah, when he was stationed near Palm Springs, I think get definitely rubbed off on him. He's like, well, honey, you should imagine. You can only imagine the number of guys who rubbed off on me too, in the Palm spring. Let me tell you one thing. These guys are just come driving up to 29 palms, gonna eat burritos at the local restaurants, and wow. Next thing you know, backstall.

[B]

Am I right, everyone? Palm Springs, Really? Really. God came off on him. He still tries to give me blowjobs. Still tries it to this day. Crazy.

[A]

Crazy. That's why we can't allow these gays to marry, because look what they did to my husband. Hawaiian shirts.

[B]

I just love that you went to Twentynine Palms.

[A]

And he's like, yes, this is me.

[B]

I'm living free. But all he took from it was the Hawaiian shirts.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I think there might be something going on. So now we go back to the car, and Kevin's driving them to the next house. He's like, okay, we are driving a little bit further out for this one. Mostly because I'm trying to protect the citizenship. So you can see this is turning more residential, right? He's like, oh, God, I love it. I love residentials. This is great. God, homes, people, sidewalks. Love it into it.

[A]

Just keep in mind that the further we go out, the shops are further away, which is. I'm actually. Sorry. I'm just telling everyone. I'm telling, actually the Germans this. Don't worry. The farther we go, the farther the Americans are from your shops. Don't you worry, everyone.

[B]

Well, I'm super independent. I'm very outgoing. I just say hi to everybody. I definitely need things to do all the time. I hate being bored. I cannot be bored. Okay, Anything to climb up and hang off of here. Where? Tell me where. Okay, who am I gonna meet? Where am I gonna get my nails done? Who am I gonna talk to? Okay, where are the women around here? Where are they? Someone get out of here and tell me some going on on the street. I need to know. It's me, Dee. You're gonna love me. You're gonna love me. Hey, you ever heard of a. My Kayen? Was that German? I'm just trying it out.

[A]

Out. Yes. Just what all the Germans can't wait to hear. There's a new American in town who's outgoing. Like, oh, no. Please close shutters. When I was in Norway, they were like, oh, Americans are so cute. They're always so. They're always so chatty. Like, that's our reputation. Like, people. I think our reputation. People think our reputation is us being, like, loud and obnoxious, which it is. But I think that we don't realize that, like. Like, we are so chatty. We go abroad. I'm like, hi, how's it going? Oh, this is so lovely. Like, all of our small talk, I think drives the Europeans crazy.

[B]

Yeah, I love small talk. I'm gonna small. That's. I think that's the most American thing about. Well, I have a lot of American things about me, but I guess that's probably the most American. I'll talk to a wall. I love it. Want to talk to everybody. I'm still mad at the home goods. I go to. I go There, like, three times a week, and I get a couple of hellos, but I don't get that, like, recognized, you know, when people are like, oh, hey, how you doing? Remember when you almost bought that chair last week? God, what made you decide? No, I mean, something. But there's nothing. They're just like, I've never seen you before, you know, looking at me.

[A]

The surly parking attendant lady at my dentist's office is only now just starting to give me a glimmer of recognition. And, like, I mean, I've been working on this one for, like, three years now. Like, I'm like, hi, how are you? So, like, hello. And now she's. Now she's starting to smile a little more warmly, but I've yet to get the. Hi, welcome back. That's all I want.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I need it. Like, there's a manager there, and she's, like, really, like, fashionable. And one time she was wearing the Eileen Davidson denim jumpsuit, you know, that we all know from Beverly Hills. Like, a full denim jumpsuit. I mean, it was awesome. So a couple of weeks later, I was in there and she was checking me out, and I was like, oh, I thought, I'm glad you're still here. She goes, why wouldn't I still be here? I said, I don't know. I just love. I haven't seen you in a couple weeks. And she's like, oh, you come in here a lot. I'm like, yeah, I come. I'm like, lady, I've seen this lady three times a week for months now. And so I was a little hurt, but I was like, yeah, I come in here all the time. I was like, And I always remember you because, like, I love your fashion. I loved your denim jumpsuit. She was like, oh, yeah. I was like, oh, my God, what a monster. She doesn't even appreciate that she's a gay icon to me.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Need to find a new home goods. And she's American.

[A]

Really do. That's so wrong.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

It's so wrong on so many different levels.

[B]

It is. You try to be nice to a denim jumpsuit. So house two garden house, four bedroom, two and a half bath, spacious, big yard for the dog. Pricey. It's pricey, guys. So this one has everything. It goes that they're looking for, but it's 3,000amonth, suckers.

[A]

Also, one more thing. The house has a very retro style that I'm excited to show you, which, I mean, looking at these two, they literally are retro style. So I think it would Work out well. So they. So then Kevin's like, but first of all, okay, what you have here is already a great example of German 70s styles. Like, oh, well, I love the building. No, I'm talking about your fashion.

[B]

I just got.

[A]

You just got German.

[B]

This is very German. Now look down at the mat that. The door. It says not welcome. Exactly, exactly. You love it. So she's like, wow, this is really something. That's for sure. And this place, when he says it is retro, that is another way of saying this has never been and never will be updated ever. I mean, the inside stairs, it looks like a motel from, like, here in Los Angeles. Like one of those, like, kind of seedy motels where all the walls are that really thick stucco, but that stucco's on the inside of the house. It's weird.

[A]

It was, like, textured. I kind of liked it. Honestly, I thought I had something.

[B]

I like the rest of the house. But that stairway scared me.

[A]

I liked the stairway. I don't know why I thought it was sort of like, I. It was retro in a way that I thought was kind of cool. I'm into it, you know, I have, like, weird ret. Like, I'm. I do like, certain weird retro things. Like, I like a. Like an old school 1984 wood paneled room, you know, for, like a den. I think it's like that thing. It's like, oh, it's what? You grew up with it, so you have, like, fond memories of those. And, like, everyone makes fun of wood paneling. I know wood paneling is back in a chic way, but not the style as it was in 1984. That's still not back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. I actually really like that a lot. I find it very warm and cozy. So, like, I don't know, I kind of like this staircase.

[B]

All right, so this is the house for you then. I mean, it is that kind of house where it really is a time machine. And we know because Kevin says, I feel like I'm in time machine. And it is. And he's like, they look like. And he goes, they look like they just got out of an Apple music video. So they are just dressed apart so no one else will rent it. So I figured this idiot would do it.

[A]

Yes. Seriously. He's like, okay, so over here is living room. It's very spacious, right? And the. Before you even ask, I do not know if it fit Paul. Okay. I do not know. I don't understand the pole. I don't like the pole, and I don't Want to see the pole? Enough with the ball.

[B]

Here, Here's a good place for Paul. That's inside the fireplace. Exactly. Okay. Take the hint. Take it.

[A]

She's like, well, I don't know about the living room, but this would be a really nice size for, you know, three of us up here. You know, it's like, you know, we could have fun. So then they look outside, and it has this really nice backyard. But then Kevin's like. He's like. And you can see the bushes over there to the left of the right. Those are pretty much the borders and Dodgers. Like, so there's like, no fence, Just open? It's like, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, there's some parts fenced, but, you know, maybe you could get extra fencing. I love when realtors say, like, that. Just get a fence. 20 grand, something like that. No big deal in this rental. Go ahead, buy a fence.

[A]

And isn't it like a shared backyard? Didn't look like there was other units that were attached to the same backyard. I don't know what it was, but.

[B]

Yeah, the neighbors are gonna hate them for letting their dog just run out there and poop every day. Yeah, absolutely. So he's like, they think. They think Duke is gonna love it. And then we see Duke just, like, with the ponytail on top of his head, bed.

[A]

No idea what's going on.

[B]

Duke is just hoping that there's a blockbuster he can work at.

[A]

I know. Seriously. So then they look at the kitchen, and it's nice. And Kevin's saying how you can go from the dining area into the kitchen, which is. Which is nice when they do that on these show. When house does that. And they like, you know, he's like, it's great size also. And D is like, wow. I mean, this looks a little bit more modern than I was expecting compared to the. To the house. House. You know, I just. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I was really just hoping we'd have like a. A coal burning stove, you know, and no electricity. Maybe a cauldron. Is that possible that we could do that with this place? No. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Can I have a wall made out of Haribo gummy bears? That would be great. I need more Germany. Okay, we just get more Germany.

[A]

Don't re. Traumatize me. I told you this, right? That I went. That Michelle and Lauren took me to the Haribo world headquarters. Really?

[B]

No, I don't think I heard this one.

[A]

Oh. Because I hate gummy bears mainly. It's actually not so much. It's it's more like I don't like fruity, fruity smells and candies and things like that. Like, I hate them. And like my least favorite thing is when I'm in a car and someone like opens up some like gummy bears and all that like fake strawberry whatever, all that fruity smell just permeates the car. So I hate the smell of like gummies on mask mess. But like the, the gummy Haribo headquarters were in Bond, Germany, which is where, where our friend Michelle was staying for a year. And so I was visiting her with our friend Lauren. And so then we went to the Haribo world headquarters which is basically like being in a giant room of wall to wall gummies. And it was pure torture for me. That was the worst thing I ever did in Germany. Go to there.

[B]

That's funny. So she's like, well, you know, this house is cool. It's so different. We're definitely not going to find this back in California. Oh yes you would. Just not in Huntington Beach. This is a very la old LA style house, isn't it?

[A]

Yeah, it's a hundred percent. This is like generic. She's like, wow, wait a second, a kitchen that flows out of the dining room. You're not going to find that outside of Germany, I'll tell you that much.

[B]

Yeah, she's an odd, she's an odd duck. Well, because you know, it goes what D is looking for in a traditional. And it could be easier to please her on this one than Hunter because Hunter's not gonna like it. And so there's a little tiny room that she could use for an office, which she likes. And she goes, and there could be a pole in here. There could be a. We may have a winner, honey. We may have a winner.

[A]

I'm having visions of like a printer getting knocked off that shelf every single day as she tries to do her bowl dance. Like, well, knocked over the HP again. Can we go back to Staples?

[B]

Yeah. And it's right in front of a window and the window looks out into the neighbor's home. And so Hunter's like, wow. Yeah, that's perfect for the neighbors to see. She's like, perfect. I love it. I could love it. It's the point of stripping without an audience. These dollars don't print themselves.

[A]

Well actually the euros are actually are coins. So they'll be very hard to take if they thought the match you.

[B]

Please don't break the windows. This is a rental.

[A]

D is like, she's like, well, I like the floor and there's lots of storage here, and the bedroom is huge. And Hunter's like, yeah, I don't really think the color palette in Germany is consistent with my taste. I would. You mean bright, like neon, fluorescent green, and, like, flamingo colors? Like, no, I don't think so.

[B]

Yeah, I don't trust you two. You with your taste. So he's like, yeah, we want to be able to host friends and family. We need a big backyard. Blah, blah, blah. So they keep looking. This one's big. This one's really big. Lots of stairs, lots of rooms. Yeah, they just keep going up and up stories. Yeah, it feels like it.

[A]

And then they get to, like, their bed, their bathroom, and the mirror on the bathroom. The mirror in the bathroom is, like, really high up, so she can't even see herself in the mirror. Just imagine the designer is like. Like, you're not allowed to look at yourself in the mirror until you are at least 5, 6. Otherwise, you do not deserve it.

[B]

You are not tall enough to ride this mirror.

[A]

You do not deserve reflection until you are. Until you are five' six.

[B]

I mean, there's a place for the pole that'll make sure you use it every day. Just climbing up to look at yourself in the mirror, Just to get your hair done.

[A]

Just to comb your hair.

[B]

Really get some thigh work there. So they like this place. Kevin's like, well, he's looking for modern. She's, you know, and there's not too many modern things here, but I feel like it's absolutely important to have modern option for Hunter. He's so hot. He's so hot, you know? So let's go show hot person something. I. I want to show your legs something. Do your knees have eyes? Let me look closer. Okay. Okay. I can get off the. Off the floor there. Kevin, I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm 29 pounds.

[A]

So now we see Dee and Hunter, and they are dressed up for October Fest. They go to this big sort of festival.

[B]

Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. Why are they dressed like that? No one is dressed like that. They're just, like, in costumey Oktoberfest costumes, like you'd wear at an American kind of jokey thing. No one. Everyone else is in jeans and a T shirt, just looking at them like, why?

[A]

And he goes, wow, that looks like a beer fest place. Really? You mean the. You mean the place that's serving beer that says Oktoberfest?

[B]

So Hunter and D. Have come to Germany to embarrass everybody. Okay. They're bringing a Little bit of California clothing with them. He's like, well, when we were out of town, I'm wearing something like this. We get stairs, but, God, it's good to be here in Germany where we're. Well, I mean, we're also getting stairs. You think those are good stairs, that lady? Do you think the middle finger being flipped up means the same thing in Germany as it does in America? Wait, hold on. I think she's saying something in Germany, too. Me go home, stupid. I don't know what that means. I don't know. I don't know the language yet. We're new here. Good to meet you.

[A]

You know, the Germans there, I mean, that is a real thing. I mean, German palate's very muted. And so when they see us walking down the street, that's just sort of. They just sort of stare at us. And some people ask us, are we walking in a grid formation? And I say, sometimes I walk in circles. And they say, you should leave the country now. And it's awkward. They really do stare us down. Uncomfortable.

[B]

Oh, gosh, that was a pretzel in my face. It must be a compliment. Thank you. Thank you for the pretzel. Thank you. Can't wait to be your neighbor.

[A]

There's something called the German fling, where they put a soup in some mustard and fling it at you.

[B]

Normally, they throw pretzels at the street dogs. So I guess take it as a compliment.

[A]

The street dogs, which we also call our home dogs. So. So then Kevin is there. He's also in it. He's also dressed up. And they're like, oh, my God, what a coincidence. We ran into Kevin. Wow, it's so fun that you dressed up for this event, too. He's like, no, this is just what's up by every day. So. Because he's in, like, lederhosen and stuff, and then they walk up to this giant thing of sausages being cooked, which is funny because I actually cooked bratwurst last night. It's like, I knew this episode was going to be happening. And she's never tried bratwurst before.

[B]

Which Hunter just walks up. He's like, wow, what am I, back out off the plane in 29 palms? Jesus Christ. I'm in.

[A]

Oh, wow. So now that's. Now it's time to go to house number three, which is a very modern apartment. Kevin finds a place that's more Hunter style and is closer to town for D. In other words, tacky as fuck and embarrassing for everyone around them.

[B]

Well, everything is almost brand new in this apartment, it also has traditional touch. It could be great for both of you. It's very ugly. No neighbors too close enough to kill you. So house, three terrace, apartment, three bed, one and a half bath, third floor. Modern, traditional touches. What does that mean, modern? Traditional. Kevin's just throwing everything at the wall.

[A]

It's got, like an air. It's got, like an air fryer, but also like one of those half doors that opens up like you're in the Alps.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's got a thatch roof, but also an air fryer.

[B]

Yeah. We are now 20 minutes away from center of Boblingen, and we're going to look at three bedroom apartment. Let us go. Rooftop terrace, 3,000 for this one. And they're like, oh, my gosh. And Kevin's like, for being modern and traditional at the same time. Pretty good, eh?

[A]

Well, that's a little tough, but we'll see what it has to offer. Okay, so they walk in and they're, like, very happy. It's like, very open, very spacious. And there's like, these beams that run across the ceiling that look very nice. I like this one. This one was my favorite. I think this one was nice.

[B]

Yeah. I think I would pick number two. But these. This one was pretty nice. But d. She's like, oh, my God. You know what? This is German. This is. You know what's German about it? The beams. God, those are such German beams. Are you talking about. Those are like, farmhouse, modern beams. Germany. Germany has arrived.

[A]

I just. Wow.

[B]

Beams.

[A]

Wow. It's just like. Just. It's just. It's just so. It's so beautifully German. It's like I can hear the Brothers Grimm writing stories right under this bit. Under this beam.

[B]

Makes me want to put a kid in an oven. This is so German.

[A]

Question. Do all Germans get complimentary breadcrumbs in case they are led astray by a witch? Or do you have to buy those yourself?

[B]

Oh, gosh. And look at this table. So big. Oh. And the colors on the paintings. God, it's like it was meant for us because they've got, you know, crazy modern paintings in there. And she's like. I would say I was a bit worried moving to Germany, but I didn't know what to expect. You know, I was really scared. I mean, we know a lot about Europe, don't we? We know so much about Europe. God, we love it there. But we didn't know much about Germany, but. But I did get a pretzel. I mean, it was in my face. I do have a bruise. But I think we're gonna like it here. I don't eat carbs, but you. They don't know that.

[A]

I have to say, I was very nervous moving to Germany. I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna deal with all that hubbub and the excitement and all those tall buildings. And I realized, oh, I was thinking of New York, which I casually call, many germs, but we're going to Germany. So that was a moment of confusion, and I. It all got sorted out.

[B]

Thankfully, something not getting germs in me going to Germany. It's different. Well, we haven't done our research.

[A]

Stand up. I'm doing. I'm pioneering something called pole stand up, where you get on a pole and tell jokes. Kevin, did you laugh at my. My New York? Kevin, I'm gonna need you to. I need some feedback. Was my New York City bit funny? Wasn't. Was it more of a groaner?

[B]

Well, I got a. That was a good one. We're hanging upside down, so it worked for me. God, I got to change these shorts. Excuse me. God, these are tough.

[A]

Kevin, I'm just noticing you're not really laughing at my jokes. Not laughing is how we laugh in Germany.

[B]

On the inside, I'm screaming, get out. Over and over again. So this is considered laughter. Oh, wow. Look at these countertops. They've got sparkle on them. That's nice. God, I wonder if I could wear these. The faces say it. All their faces are just like, wow, sparkly countertops.

[A]

We're in. Kevin, can I put a pole on this countertop, or is that not because.

[B]

We replace this refrigerator with a pole?

[A]

What if we do a pole? Okay, what about we do two poles? One where the fridge is and one where we then move the fridge to.

[B]

All right, well, Kevin, you might have a problem with the ceiling in here. It sloped. It slanted. How's Kevin supposed to get up? How's he supposed to get up in bed? Kevin, what are you gonna do in here? It's one of those slanted ceilings. He's like, oh, my God. God, and I love that. Kevin's like, oh, no, that's. Here's what you could do. You sleep in the bed backwards. And so you put your feet.

[A]

You put the feet where the heads are. Are. Head. What the pillows are. And dog outside.

[B]

This is fine for you. This is fine for you. Usually backwards.

[A]

This is fine. This is fine for you. You sleep. You move. But I do have to say my favorite thing are the Americans that don't know how to deal with a slanted roof? Like what? It's a slanted roof. What happens when I bolt up in the middle of the night and bonk my head? I'm like, I have a feeling you will adapt to the slanted roof. Like, it's not like Germans were like the Germans who slept here. They also had to sleep under the slanted roof. And they were fine. I was like, what? I can't do that, though. What happens if I'm sleeping and then I realize I have to stand up in my bed at that very moment very quickly. I might hurt myself.

[B]

Is that why everyone here is in such a bad mood? They just wake up in the middle of the night to take a pee pee and they hit their heads. God. Being a bad mood too. Yeah. Well, look, there's another room. But we have slanted ceilings here.

[A]

But.

[B]

But you know what you could do? Move the bed to the other side of the room and then maybe only she gets a slant. You know, you don't all have to get a slant at the same time. You can do it. It's fine for you.

[A]

Can I pull a. Put a pole under that slant? You think so? Then. Then they go to another bedroom and he's like, oh, good. Thank God. Normal ceilings. Oh. Oh, look. In a real American sized tub.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And a shower too. This is great. I love it here. You know what would be a great place to live would be America. Why don't we move back there?

[B]

All right. We still haven't seen the office. You have mirrors everywhere, so that's good for you. And she's like, oh, yeah, I love the mirrors. The way I can practice. I can just look at myself. Practice stripping. Not stripping, dancing. But you know, I will say the space is a little tight. Okay. That's what she said, right, Kevin? As Hang down a little more. Hang down for you. I couldn't really do a lot of spins in here. It's kind of a small room. What if I spin into a mirror looking at my own face cracking.

[A]

Kevin, how many times have to tell you? How many times I have to tell you? I want a place that feels authentically old. Old fashioned German. Okay. But I also want to make sure there's no slanted roofs. There's room for a pole. And all the bathtubs and showers are the size of something you get in America. And a kitchen the size of something you get in America. I want something to be like a house you get in Huntington beach, but put it in Germany and make it old fashioned. Like it's old fashioned German, but make it sure it's Huntington beach too.

[B]

How hard is that cracking me up? With her, it has to be exactly like Germany and nothing is. She doesn't even know what that means.

[A]

But she's only happy when she sees an American sized bathroom. Oh, thank God.

[B]

Well, you can see over there is a park for. So that is outdoor space for the dog. So she's like, okay, well. Well, it's a patio, so it's not really what we're looking for. He goes, well, you know, it's good for you. Yeah, it's modern, though. And everything seems pretty new. So it even has some traditional beams. Look. That's what you're looking for. I like the beams too. You know, I looked at those beams and I said, germany, Germany. Beams incoming.

[A]

Hunter's like, but it's way too cramped. I can't even stand up straight. And she's like, well, I. I feel like there's a joke in there about palm Springs, but I just, I need to get on the pole to really workshop it.

[B]

Just 29 palms, it just bend over the whole way through.

[A]

But those vaulted ceilings, I mean, that's just part of the German charm. I mean, look, you can't do the German stare without waking up and bonking your head first in the morning, okay? You have to be angry about something to start the day.

[B]

So they immediately say house number one is out of there. They're not even going to consider that. It's tiny. It's ridiculous. Hunter likes the garden house, which is the second one, and he likes that one the most, Even though he wanted modern. That one has place for the dog. So I like that someone's actually thinking of the dog. And she's like, well, I'm not going to clean that whole house by myself. Sal, you better. You better get a swiffer. Okay?

[A]

That becomes her whole thing. Which, of course is how I should realize that in the beginning when she was talking about cleanliness, that that was like her thing. But in my mind, my warp mind, I thought he was the anal retentive one, but he was also making her do all the cleaning as punishment. Be like, well, you made the mess, you got to clean it up. So I was thinking that, like, her whole thing was like, I'm naturally messy, but as part of our agreement, I have to clean up after myself, and I don't want to have to clean up after myself over three different stories.

[B]

Yeah. So they get rid of the apartment in the city. And she's like, so the garden Home. And he's like, well, that was a place. The backyard. She goes, but I don't want to clean it. And he said, well, I'm learning how to be a cleaner person. Hunter. Clean your up. If you stop being a slob, you could live where you wanted. You know, why is it D's job to do it? You know, just because she works from home. That's not fair. That's not fair. Yeah, it's not fair, Hunter, okay? He's like, I have guns. I don't need to clean things. I'm a man. You're a man in short shorts.

[A]

Clean, clean. So they choose house number two, which I think is actually a pretty solid choice. And then we go three months later, and she's like, well, you know, Germany for us has been wonderful. It's been really nice to learn how other people live. I mean, it's so fun that we just walk out on the street and wave hi to everyone and just watch them all run away, hide behind barrels and crates and things like that. They just love playing games like that here in Germany. Who knew?

[B]

This is so funny to me because they're sitting out on their lawn in, like, lawn chairs with these giant ice teas and pink flamingos in the yard. And she goes, yeah, you know, this is crazy because Germans, they're always watching. They're always watching. It's crazy. Yeah, they're always watching, probably with BB guns in their hands, you know, he's like, yeah, you know, and she's doing pole dancing right in the front. Front of the window. So the neighbors are constantly watching. We have had to replace two panes. You know, at least they tip. At least they tip.

[A]

Apparently, someone made it. They're all. They're all very hilarious. Turns out I'm not the only funny one. They're always, always. They're always making this joke like we're just watching so that way we can find some reason to deport you back to America. And I'm like, I just. I just laugh because I just. I love joking like that. And they say, we're not joking. I said, no, I know, because you guys laugh on the inside. But I learned. And they're like, no, we're not even laughing. And I say, you guys, you just stop. You just.

[B]

I'm not going to leave a country where the teenage neighbors say hello by playing with their wieners at their window. Honey, please stop dancing in front of that window. What a silly. What a silly couple of people. Glad they found the place. I wonder if they've been vandalized yet.

[A]

Do they do that in Germany? I feel like vandalizing in Germany is like moving a flower pot like a few inches out of place.

[B]

Oh, you think you hide your key in the flower pot? Boom. Two inches to the left. Now good luck finding it, stupid.

[A]

Oh, good luck having three flower pots equidistant apart on your porch because now one of them is a little closer to the other one. One. It's like a things.

[B]

Everybody, thanks so much for being with us here on another Dwell.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

We love you guys. We'll talk to you next time.

[A]

Bye. Acast powers the World's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Greetings Adventurers is the longest running Dungeons and Dragons actual play comedy podcast that has been putting out episodes each and every week since 2012.

[B]

And we think you'd love it.

[A]

But don't take our word for it.

[B]

Take theirs.

[A]

The thing I love most about Greetings Adventurers is the interactive community. I've been listening for 10 years and.

[B]

Now I'm a sophomore in college.

[A]

The only podcast I've ever listened to for that long. Like there's nothing better.

[B]

There's no limit on what might happen.

[A]

So just be prepared.

[B]

Top tier comedy right here.

[A]

The best representation of sitting around with a group of idiots playing D and D. And it's not something you're just watching, it's something that you're experiencing. Download Greetings Adventurers wherever you listen to podcasts. Can't wait to see the next episode. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.