Dwell Hello #521: S264 E10 Old School vs Trendy in Maryland

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens – Dwell Hello #521: S264 E10 Old School vs Trendy in Maryland

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: October 16, 2025
Episode: Dwell Hello #521: Old School vs Trendy in Maryland (House Hunters S264 E10)

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Overview

In this raucous episode of Dwell Hello, Ben and Ronnie recap and riff on an episode of House Hunters featuring newlyweds Bernardo and Nia as they set out to buy a home for their blended family in Baltimore, Maryland. The central clash? Bernardo craves "old-school" coziness reminiscent of his grandma’s house, while Nia dreams of a “sleek and social media-worthy” modern place—preferably with new floors and, ideally, a chicken coop. The hosts gleefully dissect their quirks, cultural superstitions, house-hunting wishlists, and, of course, the couple’s unwavering dedication to kites and tray ceilings.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Meet the House Hunters: Bernardo & Nia (01:35–06:00)

• Bernardo: 41, registered nurse, wants vintage, cozy, grandma-style vibes. Mentions his grandmother’s old brick Ohio house frequently.
• Nia: 27, stay-at-home mom, grew up in Honduras, craves modern “Instagram-worthy” interiors, wants floors (not dirt!), and dreams of raising chickens for fresh eggs.
• Blended Family: Three sons from Bernardo (ages 21, 19, 16), Nia’s 5-year-old daughter, and a young daughter they have together.
• Running Joke: Their insistence on having a family kite-flying tradition—“Dad, we never fly kites. Why are you being so performative for TV?” (04:11)

2. The Clash of Old vs. New (06:52–09:48)

• Nia shows aspirational homes from social media; Bernardo is mystified by her online house stalking.
• Bernardo wary of trends; wants something time-tested, like “brick houses—those last forever.”
• The not-so-subtle subtext: Both are striving to replicate parts of their upbringing in choosing a home.
• Nia is worried about old homes harboring ghosts, citing cultural superstitions. Ronnie quips: “Have you seen Poltergeist? That was a brand new house.” (09:08)

3. Wishlists & Personal Quirks (11:35–15:25)

• Bernardo’s Must-Haves: Old-school, tray ceilings (because he’s tall), primary bedroom “oasis,” finished basement for his psychiatric nurse practitioner office.
• Nia’s Must-Haves: Newer house to avoid ghosts, four bedrooms, “deep tub”, and a big yard for kids and a chicken coop (chickens apparently ward off evil spirits).
• Notable quote, on tray ceilings:
  “It’s also insane to be going to say I only want old homes, but they have to have tray ceilings because that’s not an old home style.” (12:15, Ronnie)

4. House #1: Trendy New Build ($629,900) (15:44–24:44)

• Modern vertical “shoebox” design: gray-and-white everything, waterfall kitchen island, electric fireplace.
• Nia swoons over “black details,” wants social media backdrops.
• Bernardo’s main critique: Not enough ‘grandma’ elements (brick, real fireplace).
  “This doesn’t look like my grandma’s house … I want to stand her $600.” (17:09, Ben)
• Gas vs. electric stovetop debate: Nia prefers electric because she keeps burning herself on gas (!), to Ronnie’s amusement.
• Absence of a deck and chicken coop: both points of contention.
• Basement office area would be too close to the kids’ play space.

5. House #2: 1960s Colonial ($485,000) (25:09–31:58)

• Authentic brick, wood paneling, “used” feel; aligns with Bernardo’s “grandma” taste.
• Nia is anxious about ghosts due to the age and number of prior inhabitants.
• Backyard: big plus; no HOA so they could have up to six chickens.
• Quirky features: classic baseboard radiators (Nia doesn’t recognize them), some “newer” fixtures.
• Finished basement space for Bernardo’s office, but includes a “ghost sink” (industrial utility sink) and an awkward dividing wall.
• Ronnie, exasperated: “Every single thing is to come down to how his grandma did something…why you’re not doing it just like her.” (27:17)

6. House #3: New Build McMansion ($???; ~1hr from work) (32:45–39:59)

• Located in a developing McMansion community; plenty of construction nearby.
• Feels “sterile” to Bernardo; Nia is delighted by the fresh, spirit-less feel and—critically—the staircase, which she deems “royal” and ideal for “prom pictures.”
• Office located off the foyer—great for Bernardo’s business, though he gripes about the absence of a tray ceiling at first.
• Another gas vs. electric fireplace conversation for kid-safety.
• Sliding door with no deck (just a Juliet gate) prompts more jokes about danger and deck expenses.
• Main draw: Only house with tray ceilings in the primary bedroom, much to Bernardo’s “oasis” delight.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Nia’s Social Media Aspirations:
  “I’m going to buy an entire house for one post of a bathtub on social media. I’m going to become viral over my bathtub.” (22:56, Ronnie as Nia)
• On Ghost Phobia:
  “I don’t want to watch a ghost washing its hands. Let’s get out.” (31:36, Ben as Nia)
• On Relentless Grandma Nostalgia:
  “You are entering psycho territory here. Is your grandma in some wooden chair in your basement at home right now?” (32:08, Ronnie)
• On Chicken Coop Practicality:
  “What else do you do with chickens? You’re not going to slaughter them there. Like, you’re just going to get…” (29:23, Ben)
• On House #3's Staircase:
  “This is royal. This is where we’re gonna—okay—we’re gonna have the kids take prom photos here. And not only that, like, we’re gonna invite heads of state. This is a staircase.” (35:35, Ronnie as Nia)
• Trey Ceiling Obsession:
  “He loves it because they have tray ceilings. Guys, the only home in town with tray ceilings. He’s like, this is it. I found it. I saw this on social media. Knew I was gonna marry it.” (39:21, Ben)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:35: Introductions to Nia and Bernardo; family backstories
• 04:11: Kite-flying “tradition” and performative family life
• 07:27: Social media influences and Nia’s vision for her dream home
• 09:48: Cultural fears about ghosts in old homes
• 12:15: The “tray ceiling” debate begins
• 15:44: First house tour – skeptical reviews and appliance arguments
• 25:09: Second (older) home – ghosts, radiators, and budget-friendly drama
• 32:45: Third house, the McMansion – construction woes, stairway to social media stardom
• 39:21: Epiphany over tray ceilings in bedroom
• 40:35: Decision-making discussion and final choice announcement
• 41:24: Recap: electric fireplace compromise and razzle-dazzle plans

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The Final Decision & Epilogue

Ultimately, Bernardo and Nia choose the third, new build McMansion with the tray ceiling—his non-negotiable “grandma” meets “oasis” requirement—along with an electric fireplace for Nia’s social media visions. Ronnie and Ben delight in their stubbornness and circus of priorities, but agree, “it all worked out.” The self-aware, mocking affection for the couple’s quirks and Bravo-style dramatics makes the recap as entertaining as the original House Hunters episode.

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Closing Thoughts:
The episode is a comedic tour de force of observational humor, Bravo references, and home design snark—perfect for fans of Watch What Crappens and reality TV send-ups. Ben and Ronnie’s banter is consistently sharp, with the Trey ceiling fixation and ghost paranoia providing particularly fertile ground for jokes.

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For More: Visit Watch What Crappens on Patreon for bonus episodes and more recaps!

Transcript

[A]

Ding dong.

[B]

Ding dong.

[A]

Ding dong.

[B]

Ding ding ding ding ding dong. Hello. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's a watch of Grappling's House Hunters podcast here on Wondery Plus. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How's it going, Ronnie?

[A]

I'm good. What's going on with you, baby?

[B]

Not much. Just here to talk some house hunters. Today's episode is called Old school versus Trendy in Maryland. It is House Hunters regular and it's season 264, episode 10. And I caught this on YouTube TV. Actually, I don't know if the numbers will be different on other platforms, but as always, just type in Old School versus Trendy in Maryland and that should get you to where you need to go. And by the way, if you have any suggestions, just email them to [e-mail] I'm sorry. Watch whatcrappens gmail.com with the subject header Dwell. Hello suggestion. So, Ronnie, you ready to dive into today's. Today's madness?

[A]

Let's do her, shall we? Here we are, Old school versus Trendy in Maryland. So newlyweds Bernardo and Nia need a home for their blended family in Baltimore, but they're having a bit of a culture clash. We cut to Bernardo going, well, what are you going to do with chickens? And she's like, we'll have fresh eggs.

[B]

Nia's humble beginnings in Honduras have her dreaming of a sleek and social media worthy place. As is always the outcome of someone who has a humble beginning in Honduras.

[A]

Mia's humble beginnings in Honduras have her dreaming of flooring. That's pretty much it. Just give her floors and she'll be psyched. Give her some floors and some chickens and she's happy.

[B]

She's like, as a little girl, I just always grew up wanting to have a sleek and social media worthy place.

[A]

You know, every time I saw one of my chickens growing up, I thought, God damn it, that chicken would have a lot of followers if she just had the right algorithm.

[B]

Wow. Well, so then we see them and they're like walking around, look at various houses and everything. And Bernardo, they're looking at staircase. And she's saying, oh my God, this could be great for prom pictures. And he goes, but the stairs look too new. And so then Linda comes back and says, and new isn't a buzzword for Bernardo. Just look at his fashion. He's old school. The more vintage and cozy, the better.

[A]

If he could live in a Burlington Coat Factory ad, he would. So we see them looking at Some basic things. And basically this episode is Bernardo walking around going, I hate new things. What are those? New stairs. I refuse to go up new stairs. I want creaky old stairs. I mean, come on, Bernardo, we get it. You're trying to hammer it home. But who gets mad at new stair? Those are looking stairs.

[B]

He won. I know. I've never heard of that. New looking stairs. But he wants everything to be old. But Nia's not sold since she thinks old homes are haunted. Yes. These are two idiots. Get ready, America.

[A]

And he goes, yeah, I love this house. It looks like my grandma's house. Like, who says that? Like, wow, it looks just like Meemaw's house. I will pay above asking, does it smell like boiled brisket too?

[B]

Oh, man. If there's a guy on House Hunters, it's a guy working through his childhood memories of his parents or grandparents.

[A]

But now we've got duel because he wants his grandma's house and she wants her Honduras house, minus the dirt floors. So, yes, like, we've got two dueling, like childhoods trying to recreate themselves on this episode.

[B]

Exactly. So now we arrive in Baltimore and Nia and Bernardo are driving their kids in their cars. And Bernardo goes. He's like, are you guys ready to fly kites? And, you know, the kids are like, dad, we never fly kites. Why are you being so performative for tv?

[A]

Like, just let us play the fucking Nintendo Switch on camera, please. Okay. He's like, here, I got you. This is a gas station. It's a gay pride flag. Go fly it.

[B]

You're going to love it.

[A]

It's going to be great.

[B]

I'm Nia. I'm 27 years old and I'm a stay at home mom. He's like, and I'm Bernardo. I'm 41 and. And I'm a registered nurse. So they met on a dating app. And she says, when I saw him, I said, this is my future husband. I truly did. And they got married.

[A]

Oh, God. Do you know how many people I've said that to that I've seen on apps? It's never worked. I've said it about a hundred times to people that I. I'm like, that is my husband. That is my husband. It never works. Why does it always work for other people?

[B]

Well, the thing is this. Everyone probably says that a million times. And until finally you do meet the person who is your husband and then you're like, oh, my God. I said he'd be my husband and he's my husband. It's like, yeah, but you said about a lot of things. It's always like that expression. It's always in the last place you look. It's like, yeah, because you're not gonna keep on looking after you find it. It's literally always in the last place you look, like there's no other place for it to be.

[A]

Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, I do say he's gonna be my husband a lot, but I've tried lowering my standards. I even say it sometimes where you're at and you see like someone, you know, crazy in the crosswalk, you know, trying to clean your windows or whatever. And I'm like, that's probably my husband, you know, like, that's probably him, you know, and even he doesn't want me. Even him. I roll down the window, I'm like, I don't have a dollar. I do have my phone number. And even they'll scream fuck you in my face. And I just can't win.

[B]

So they are arriving at this park and then Nia tells the kids, you remember when we went to the kite festival? I don't believe this kite. No, I'm sorry. You guys do not fly kites. Stop trying to push this kite agenda. You were lying about the kites.

[A]

That's so specific too. Like, we met on an app. We're both into kites. Super into kites. Really? Went on that kite festival date. Yeah, banged. So we had this one.

[B]

So Bernardo tells us that he has a blended family with three amazing sons who probably hate their new stepmom. And his oldest is 21. And then he has a 19 year old and a 16 year old. And then Nia has a 5 year old daughter. And then they also have a daughter that they have. They have a kid who they had together. So now we see them in the park and now they are flying their kites. So really continuing to push the kite narrative.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of kites. And he wants to. Right now they're renting outside of Baltimore, but the owner is going to sell their house. So they need to buy a house. So let's do it, people. And they bring their own for holding chairs and cars, which I like. So Nia is showing him pictures online of what he likes and she's like, I want sleek and modern, you know, I want a more lavish home, you know, because I grew up in Honduras in a coffee farm and we had dirt floors and it was a very small home. And so that's where My ideas are coming from. Of wanting a bigger home, you know, wanting a better home.

[B]

And she's showing him photos of houses, and he goes, wait, whose house is this? She goes, it's just someone I follow on social media. My wife is always on social media. She just wants trendy. He's like, it's crazy. You're looking at someone's house on social media. Who does that? Like, I just feel like trends kind of play themselves out. My grandma, she has a fully brick house in Ohio. You know, they last forever, those brick houses. I'm like, I hate to break it to you, but brick houses were at one point a trend. I'm sure. Like, that's just what happens.

[A]

Yeah. And also, you found your wife on a social media app, so. Yeah, stop judging, sir. So he wants classic style, and he wants an older home. You know, he's like, for 500 grand, we can add whatever we want. The guys always want to remodel. And then we see them a few months later on, like, the Jasmine show, where it's like, I tried to remodel and I suck. And she's like, okay, guys, let's fix this water pipe that you hooked into the electrical socket or whatever.

[B]

It seems like they never actually do the projects on this show because you're right. The guys are always like, I'm always looking for a project. And then we see them choosing a house, and it's three months later and everything looks exactly the same. They have not touched a single thing.

[A]

Yeah. So he wants projects. And she's like, yeah, Bernardo, I don't see you doing that. Okay. And if we did 600,000, we wouldn't have to worry about anything else, which is also not true.

[B]

Yeah, that's a lie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I don't like the idea of buying a home that already has been established, only because, you know, like, there are these superstitions in my culture that there may be some spirits and, like, ghosts laying around and, like, roaming around amongst us. So she wants. I'm like, I don't know. Have you seen Poltergeist? That was a brand new house. I think it depends on what it's built on.

[A]

We have that in our culture too. Okay. There's some horror movie called Bring Her Back I'm gonna watch. And I just can't even bring myself to press play on it because it looks so scary. You know, we believe in ghosts too. You know, Bring Her Back. Some of us have just learned to deal with it. I'm glad that someone died at my home because I'm like, wow, this a good house. I mean, it was good enough for someone to stay here long enough to die. You know, I'm in. And if he's still here, maybe he's like sweeping the floor. I feel like people who have died in the house have more skin in the game as far as like wanting to keep it clean, you know, I'll just leave on the counter be like, maybe the ghost will get it. He's probably still cares about his house, you know.

[B]

You know what? I now looked up Bring Her Back because I hadn't heard of it. And I'm looking at the casts because it's like all very scary looking. And they have the cast. Sally Hawkins is in it, which I'm surprised about. But there's a woman named Sally Ann Upton and she's just, she looks like a sitcom star from the 80s. And her shot is just her smiling with her hands out like, it's me, Sally Ann Upton. And I'm like, I love that this lady got cast in a horror movie.

[A]

Bernardo's like, see?

[B]

Oh my God. Established Sally Ann Upton. I really, I do recommend looking this lady up. She has other shots where she's wearing a rainbow cap, like a, like a countess Luann, like engineer cap. And she has it on her head. She's like, hello there, I'm Sally Ann Upton. See me in the next horror movie. I'll be making a smile.

[A]

Oh, this lady's crazy looking. Yeah, she's got like Paula Deen hair and a big glitter cap. Bring her back.

[B]

I love that they put her in this movie.

[A]

Yeah, she's in Wentworth. And Bring her Back. And Auntie Donna's Coffee Cafe. I'm in, I'm in on Sally Ann Upton.

[B]

So this also, by the way, NIA's request that it has to be a new house reminds me very much of Theresa Giudice, who in her first Jersey reunion famously was like, I don't want to move into like a used house. I want a new house. Not a used house.

[A]

I don't like some used house. And then Melissa sent her that card that was like, congrats on your used home.

[B]

Yeah. She was like, people don't wash the floors the way I wash my floors or something like that.

[A]

Yeah. So she's afraid of ghosts and she's like, you know, because there's ghosts laying around and goes, what are they laying eggs? I don't know what she's talking about. All these ghost talks. Stop the social media.

[B]

So she wants four bedrooms and he wants the Primary bedroom to feel like an oasis. And he says, I love tray ceilings because I'm tall. So I didn't really know what a trey ceiling was until they finally showed it. But it's, I guess, one of those ceilings that has like an outer rim and then it sort of is. It's like the opposite of a recessed floor. Like a recessed. A sunken living room is like the. Is like the. The. The opposite of a. A tray ceiling, I guess, right where. I guess the tray ceiling is sort of like a recessed section. And which. Those always look very cute to me. But I also thought it was funny. It's like, sir, your head is not scraping the ceiling. It's not. It's not like you cannot stand up straight in the room unless there's a trey ceiling in there. I thought that was such a.

[A]

It's also insane to be going to say I only want old homes, but they have to have tray ceilings because that's not an old home style. That's like a new, newish thing to have, you know? He's like, I want my grandma's house, but with the tray ceiling. Like, that's not how it works, Bernardo.

[B]

In fact, you know what homes are most likely to have? Low ceilings. Old homes. Enjoy. How many, how many times have we watched couples move into like some. A frame house or whatever, and they get into their bedroom and there's like a slant. The roof slant is like over the bed and they like lose their shit. It's like. Cause that's old home design.

[A]

Well, also, tray ceilings aren't because you're tall. Trey ceilings are for already extremely tall ceilings. You know, they're for those rooms with like 10 foot walls. And then you have a tray ceiling. It's like decoration because your room is so fucking big. You need something to focus on. It's not just a giant wal. It's like you wouldn't even need the trey ceiling in a house that was big enough to have trey ceiling. He's silly. Bernardo's silly. He's ridiculous. He's like, yeah, I want this to feel like our oasis with trey ceilings. And we want a finished basement in an office. And I just recently graduated to become a psychiatric nurse practitioner. So I want to have my own practice in my home, which is perfect. If I go to a psychiatrist and I go to that office and it's a home with six children in it, I'm asking for my money back. I'll tell you, I'm coming here to get to become like saner. How Are you gonna expect me to become more sane in a home with six children running around?

[B]

I actually think I would, like, feel more if I'm going to an old little brick house from, like, 1923 to meet with a psychiatric nurse practitioner or maybe on whatever his business that he wants to start. I feel like I would feel less inclined that this is a. Like a. A proper business if it's in a little old brick building, like, brick house. I think if it's in a new construction, I'd be like, okay, well, this person, like, it's tidy or whatever. I don't know. This is a. This is a theory I'm developing on the spot that really has.

[A]

Yeah, I want to go to a strip mall. You know what I mean? I don't want to go to your house. Like, do you rent an office for sake? Yeah, something. I'll go to a Starbucks over your house. Fuck. So they want tray ceilings, a deep tub, and a basement office. So we're still at the park. The kids running around with the gay pride flag. And Nia's like, wow. You know, being here at the park, like, it really reminds me of how I want a big yard and, like, a crackhead possibly, like, sleeping under a tree or. Oh, a lady pooping. That would be nice.

[B]

I love parks. So he's like, we both agree on a large yard so the kids can have a safe area to run and play. And he's like, and my wife, she wants chickens. Yeah, I grew up with chickens, so I would love the idea of having a chicken coop, because chickens, they chase at the spirits, you know, the bad spirits. Chickens, they're your guardians. So just like every day I can go and I can just pick some fresh eggs. He's like. He's like, but I don't know about that. He's like, we'll put that in the back of the list.

[A]

Yeah, give me a pasteurized egg any day. I say, so we go to the. You pasteurize eggs, right? Okay, so we go to a chicken coop and we see it, or we see a wish list. Chicken coop. And Bernardo's like, yeah, I don't know. That's going to be on the back of the list. Chicken coop. Who did I marry?

[B]

So now they're looking in the Baltimore suburbs within an hour of his job in the city. So they go, this first house, which option? One. It's $629,900. So it's basically $630,000. And it has four bedrooms. It's close to his job it has a lot of space and everything. And we go up to this house, and it's like a. It's like a very vertical box. It's like someone took a shoebox and put it on its side on the longest side. And that's the house.

[A]

Yeah, I like this one the best. I'm gonna say it right now. I like this one. I think this one's cute. It's kind of stylish and modern looking. I like this one. I mean, you know, remember where we are? We're in house hunters. But for the house hunter's house, I like this one the best.

[B]

Yeah, it's a little generic. For me personally, it was. No, I don't know. But they. They meet up with Sean. What was the realtor's name? Chantrey or Chantre. I think it was Chantre. And so Nia. They pull up, and Nia does this thing. She does this at every house. It feels like, oh, my God. I like all the black details because she sees, like, some little accents, and that's, like, her favorite thing to point out. She's like, oh, my God. Black details. I love that so much. He's like, I prefer brick, you know, but whatever. That's okay. There's stone. That's a nice touch. But I want brick like my grandma.

[A]

Yeah, this doesn't look like my grandma's house. And I want to stand her 600. And Chantrey is like, yeah, well, we should take a look still, because you. You might change your mind. Also. Nobody wants to live in your grandma's house, okay? Let's go. The grandmas are still living, okay? They still own those homes. So let's. Let's check this one out. And she's like, this is new, and we're going into a buyer's market, guys, because this home has been on the market for a while, okay? It's overpriced and shitt. You're gonna love it. You are gonna love this shithole. It's probably got cracks in the foundation. Let's have a look.

[B]

Yeah, it's sort of this generic house. Everything's gray. Gray laminate, gray this, gray that. Gray and white, gray and white, Gray and white. There is a fireplace that's been, like, built into the wall or something, but it's, like, not real. And Chantrey is like, yes, this fireplace is electric, and it changes colors. Like, wow.

[A]

And he's like, yeah, I don't want that. I. I want a real one. My grandma had a real fireplace, so I want a brick and mortar fireplace. Okay. Brick and mortar. Brick and mortar. Yeah. I'm going into brick and mortar now.

[B]

You go the. The kitchen. Kitchen's nice, modern, Has a nice island with waterfall. What do they call it? A waterfall. Poor waterfall surface.

[A]

A waterfall? Yeah, a waterfall countertop. A waterfall island or whatever where it comes over the edge. I used to think that was so ugly. I was like, they. Who wants this? These are so ugly. And then what do you have to clean the whole waterfall section? And then I got one and out. That's all I want. I don't know why. I mean, who thought they would come up with a new style for a freaking kitchen island? But they did it. They did it. Someone said, we are going to keep this running all the way to the ground. God damn it.

[B]

Someone chased the waterfall, and they actually caught it. So Bernardo says the stovetop is gas. And he's like, oh, I like that this is gas. He's like, because I don't like that electricity thing. And she was like, I prefer electric. Which, like, no one ever says on this show. Everyone's like, oh, electric. That's too bad. She's like, I prefer electric because I keep burning myself on these. Lady, why are you burning yourself on yourself on the gas stove?

[A]

I love that. She is, like, playing Patty cake with an electric stove and not getting burned.

[B]

What is she talking. I think actually an electric one of those, like, smooth electric tops is actually easier to burn yourself on because it just looks like nothing's happening.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You don't see the fire, you know.

[B]

Why are you touching the gas stove? Why are you touching the range? Yeah.

[A]

So he's like, well, you just got to be careful, honey. I mean, if you set off your. If you get off your phone on social media, maybe you wouldn't burn yourself. And I like that. That's why she's burning herself. She's like, oh, the stove is on. I was looking at someone's Instagram.

[B]

I know. Hold on. I just want to like this person. Ow. I tapped the stovetop instead of the phone by accident. Why does that keep happening to me?

[A]

I tried to double tap it.

[B]

So this is just, like, one of the stupidest observations. Can't have a gas tub.

[A]

I tried to like the eggs, and I burned myself.

[B]

I tried to swipe left on the flame, and it turns out you can't do that.

[A]

Yeah. So they go outside, and there's no deck, which is apparently a big thing for. Becomes a big deal for Bernardo because none of these homes have real, real big decks. And so he's like, but wait, where could I put the grill? I mean, come on. We need a grill. And she's like, where am I gonna have a chicken coop? And Chantre's like, yeah, I don't know that the county's gonna really love a chicken coop. Anyway, she's like, oh, what the hell?

[B]

He's like, I love it. He's like, no chickens for me. So then the she. Oh, then they go upstairs, and there's this railing. It's like a metal railing, and it has a wire. Like the. The railing has, like, wires in it, Like. Like long wires that parallel the railing itself. What you would normally see in, like, a public kind of building, like a commercial building or a museum or something. And she was like, oh, my God, I love this railing. I was like, really? This just feels not like a railing you'd have inside your house. Right?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It doesn't look great for kids, though, because, you know, they'll be squeezing through that and pushing each other through it. So they check out the rooms, they check out the house. It's fine. It's a pretty generic house. Up and down. You know, it's like the LVP floors. Everything's gray, like you already said. There's a, you know, bathroom with a standing shower. She likes that there's a Jack and Jill bathroom because it connects bedrooms. And she's like, we could have one kid over here and the other kid over there. And he's like, wow, you've got your own vision going on. I see chicken lover.

[B]

So then they go into the primary, and he's like, well, I don't see Trey ceilings. And that is huge for me, because look. Look at the way my head is, like, three feet away from touching that ceiling. Is that three feet? Might even be six feet. I mean, what's the point of having all that ceiling up there if it can't even go even higher?

[A]

He's ridiculous with these Trey ceilings. I can't. We hear a lot of stupid things on the show, but Trey ceilings is up there. Someone insisting on Trey ceilings. No pun intended. So now they see a double sink. And she's like, oh, you're gonna love the tub, Bernardo. Cause there's a bathtub. And he goes, yeah, I could try to fit in there. It's kind of a little tub. And she goes, oh, my God. But I could see it. We could do a whole shot in here. Look, I'm framing it for social media right now. The chicken in the bathtub, drinking some Champagne. Chickens don't have fingers. Well, help it, Bernardo.

[B]

Come on. Yeah, she is like Nia Spielberg over there setting up her whole scene. Like, hold on, everyone. This is beautiful. Great backdrop for all my social media content. Love it. Let's do this.

[A]

I'm going to buy an entire house for one post of a bathtub on social media. I'm going to become viral over my bathtub. People are going to love this.

[B]

Then she's like, you know, I pick up really good energy in here. I don't think there's any spirits. Yeah, I'm. This is great. I'm feeling no spirits here.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So then they go to the. To the back and that. She loves, like that There's a luxury grand entrance on the first level, which I don't seem to remember it being very luxury.

[A]

It's literally a door.

[B]

Grand. It's a door.

[A]

It's a door.

[B]

And then they go downstairs.

[A]

It opens up into a big open concept.

[B]

Yeah, basically. Yeah. And then she's like, oh, my God, this. This surface here, I can really see like a picture or a mirror. And he's like, huh, with this price, I don't think we'll be adding any mirrors or pictures. O God. I'll tell you who has a lot of mirrors and pictures. Grandma's house. Let's go there. Let's move there.

[A]

But she just sees a wall and she goes, oh, my God, we could put a picture there. Yeah, that's what you do with walls, Nia, for fuck's sake, man. So they check out the basement. And she's like, is this a living space? And she's like, yeah, you could have a living space here. And so they name all the kids. They're like, wow, the kids will all enjoy this area. Cause that's where you live. Not like ghosts who are dead. And she's like, yeah, maybe the kids could be playing over there. He's like, okay, vision have her. So there's also a bathroom down there. And she loves the marble details, which is funny. It's just like dollar tiles, you know, with marble painted on. And then there's another bedroom down there and all that stuff. And he's like, well, I could have my home office down there, but I don't know, it's right off a playroom with the kids all there. And she's like, that's why you have a door, honey.

[B]

So he says that this is just gonna be so over budget. And he grew up in apartments for a while, and it wasn't until high school when his mom purchased her first home. So this is a big milestone for him because apparently he is going to pattern everything he does in his life off of his mom and his grandmother. So he really feels like it's just essential for him to start this chapter off on the right foot. And having an office next to a playroom. No. No bueno. Yeah.

[A]

So Chantrey finds a lower priced home for Bernardo, but Nia is a tough sell. And Nia's like, it looks so used.

[B]

Up. So now the next house. This lady is ridiculous. They're both ridiculous. So it's 30 minutes to work and we go to this house. It was built in 1960s. And then she's like, it was built in the 1960s, so who knows how many people have lived there. Oh, my God, so many ghosts. Like, I'm not. I'm just going to say this. I don't think everyone who's lived there has died there too. I think people have lived there and moved on. She's like, oh, my God, people keep dying. There's so many ghosts in this house.

[A]

People are so funny about dead people. You're going to be one soon, okay? Yeah. So be nice. It's like when young people are mean to old people, it's like, you're going to be one kid, okay? Like, have fun with your perky boobs and your high button now, but you're going to be in my seat very soon, okay? So enjoy. I wonder if dead people feel the same way. They're like, oh, really? We scare you. You still poop.

[B]

So now they get to this house. It's 485,000. It's like a. It's a colonial. It's like a cute, like, very standard house. I actually like it. I think it's like a. I think it has a lot more charm on the outside than the one that we just looked at. It's just like a standard home from the 60s that you see in suburbs all over.

[A]

Yeah. And this one is 485. So this is cheap. And it's like full on brick. Brick home, wood paneling, all that stuff. And she's like, what do you think of this beautiful colonial home? I'll be the judge of that. Chantrey. Okay, tell me what's beautiful? And he's like, it's okay if you, like, used up stuff.

[B]

Oh, okay. So they walk in and everything. And Bernardo's like, look, look at this fireplace. It's amazing. And he reminds me my grandma's house. I'm like, oh, Nia, let this Be a vision of what the rest of your life is going to be like with this man. Every single thing is to come down to how his grandma did something, when she did something, why she did something, and why you're not doing it. Just like her.

[A]

And she's like, yeah, it looks used up. And Chandra goes, yeah, it was built in 1963, so I'm pretty sure it's been used. You fucking idiot.

[B]

Walk around the house by many people, I'm sure. House.

[A]

So now they check out this. They've got these radiator heating things all over the floor.

[B]

There's radiators on the floor, like classic radiators. Like, they're not even. Like, they're not even the old school con. They're like. They're modern ones. Like the long rectangular ones that look sort of like baseboards. She goes, what's this? It has, like, horizontal slits. What's this crazy thing at the bottom? Like, that's a radiator. It's like, wow.

[A]

Bernardo's like, yeah, that's old school stuff. I love that stuff. I wish I could marry that fucking floor radiator. Because that's from my memo. Would have loved that. And she's like, I've never seen that before. So they go. Now they check out the diet, you know, everything's like, fine. The dining room's cute, I think, except they use, like, kind of a royal blue. They picked the wrong blue. I liked it, but. But, you know, it's fine. And she's like. Chantre's like, well, the light fixture is modern and it doesn't fit in this house at all. But you guys will probably love. So that's an update. Watch your head. It's not on a tray ceiling. It's like, damn it. No trace ceilings.

[B]

Nia likes the cabinets in the kitchen. And then there's space for, like, a second dining room, which Nia likes and everything. And then Bernardo says that he likes the way the rooms open up into each other. So then they go through some sliding doors and they go to the outside and has, like, a nice backyard. Actually, of all three houses, this one has the best backyard, I think.

[A]

But no deck. There's no deck. And Chantrey's like. But there's not an HOA here, so you can have up to six chickens. So that's good. And she's like, six? I don't know about six. Maybe I'll just start with two or something. So she's like, that could change over time with the regulations of the county. Okay, so Just don't get too attached to your chickens. How long do chickens live? Do we know? Oh, my God. Don't tell me about chicken ghosts. I'm not living in a place with chicken ghosts.

[B]

Bernardo goes, what are you gonna do with those chickens anyway? She's gonna start up a vaudeville act. What do you think she's gonna do with them? You get eggs. What else do you do with chickens? You're not gonna slaughter them there. Like, you're just gonna get.

[A]

It's a good point, though. There's a grocery store around the corner. Yeah, okay.

[B]

Like, and it's probably cheaper to get eggs than it is to raise chickens.

[A]

Yeah. And also, you don't have to clean up the poop every weekend. So they go inside and head upstairs and check out the bedrooms. And she's like, is this a bedroom or an office? Whatever you want it to be, Nia. No one's gonna force you to have an office where you don't want no house.

[B]

The joys of a new house is house centers. Yeah. Like, you could do anything with it. So Bernardo says, like, well, with my line of profession, we just need to have a really, really private area. Well, good luck with all the ghosts listening in. Oh, God. Bernardo.

[A]

Bernardo can't wait for your. Your clients to listen to chickens as they rip out their heart for you.

[B]

I know. So they look. They think the. They go to another bedroom. The Nia thinks the windows are a little small. And, you know, Bernardo's like, but we're. We're moving in a modern direction a little bit. It's not modern whatsoever. And then they go to a bathroom, and Bernardo's like, oh, see, look at this. I love the upgrades in this bathroom. I mean, I could see you doing a few selfies over here. And she goes. She's like, selfie is, like, disgusting. And I just love that. She was, like, dissing doing selfies in the bathroom when, like, in the last house, she was like. She's like, oh, we could set up a beautiful scene here in the bathroom. Yeah.

[A]

All of a sudden, she's against doing social in the bathroom. But, you know, he's the man. And we've seen it so many times on the show. The man just wants the cheap house. And that's it. He's like, it's cheap. It's 485. We're getting this. So look, it's a tiny window. It's called modern, honey. It's called modern. She's like, no.

[B]

Yeah. So they look in the office, and there's like a complete. There's a completed basement downstairs, so that's where he'd, you know, make his office and everything. But there's also, like a. There's an area that's unfinished, and there's, like a. There's a sink. It's kind of like a industrial sink.

[A]

Like a laundry room sink?

[B]

Yeah, you know?

[A]

Yeah, like an industrial.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh, no, it looks scary. I want to get out of here. Like, you know what? I don't want to watch a ghost washing its hands. Let's get out.

[A]

That's a ghost sink. So he's like, can we maybe get rid of this pillar in the middle of the room? Because that's disgusting. And Chantrey goes, yeah, absolutely. I don't know. I don't think they have that there for no reason. It's in such an awkward place.

[B]

It isn't the strangest. It's not even a pillar. It's just, like, this little tiny wall that when you come up the staircase, it, like, separates you from, like, the rest of, like, all these different rooms. It's a really weird one.

[A]

Yeah. So he's like, God, this reminds me of my grandma. And I really do love that. We know. Bernardo. Jesus, you're entering psycho territory here. Is your grandma in some wooden chair in your basement at home right now?

[B]

Like, my grandma just loves random small walls blocking the flow of. Of. Of. Of whatever needs to be in this house. That's just so grandma. So they, like, the price is good, but so Sean Trey tries a new. Another new build, but with not much time to find it before Bernardo and Nia lose their rental. It comes with compromises.

[A]

Yeah. So let's go check it out. It's an hour from his work, but it's a lower price and it's brand new, and it's going to have construction going on all over the street. And he' but that could be in the way of the kids playing outside. I think kids love construction sites. I used to play them, play on them all the time growing up.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We were always, like, hiding in a house that was being built and, you know, hiding and, you know, getting nails on our feet. You know, all the fun stuff.

[B]

All the fun stuff.

[A]

When we're kids. Kids breaking into construction zones.

[B]

This house that they go to now is just like so many of the houses we've seen on the Real Housewives of Potomac, which makes sense. We're here in. In suburban Maryland, and it's just like a generic McMansion it's clearly part of a McMansion community. We see it being built in the background. It sort of has. Chantrey sells it as a traditional style home with craftsman like elements, which basically is like, it's got some pointy rooftops. A little bit. Nia sees it and she goes, I do like the black details. I'm like, we love a black railing. We get it.

[A]

And this has siding. And his grandmother did not have siding, so he doesn't like it. But this one's 2,500 square feet and four bed, two and a half bath. And there's an office right when you come in. It is an actual office. Meant to be an office. And he's like, yeah, wanted an office, so this is good. Would prefer a tray ceiling, but I.

[B]

Mean, actually, as if you're going to have an office in the home, having one right off the foyer is actually really good. So, you know, that's not so bad. But yeah, where's the tray sailing? I mean, if you call it an office, but you don't have two tiers of ceiling in it. I don't think so.

[A]

Yeah. And then there's a formal dining room. And he's like, I don't like this setup. Maybe it's that there's a light fixture right here in the middle of the room. It's because that's where the table goes.

[B]

Dude. That's right. I know. That's where the light fixtures go in dining rooms.

[A]

Come on, buddy.

[B]

But the funniest thing is they really have a big emotional reaction to the staircase. So there's a random staircase, and the bottom of the staircase kind of like, kind of fans out a little bit into the. Into whatever space is there. The hallway. And Nia loves this. She loves this. That just that little element of the staircase opening up. She's like, oh, my God, I love these stairs. This is my favorite part of the house. These are the best stairs ever. It's like a princess. Like, I can imagine prince, any princess, walking down the staircase. This is royal. This is where we're gonna. Okay, we're gonna have the kids take prom photos here. And not only that, like, we're gonna invite heads of state. This is a staircase. It is so grand. It's just a staircase. It's like a generic staircase that gets a little wide at the bottom.

[A]

And he's like, those stairs are too new. I hate them. Those aren't grandma's stairs, which is the.

[B]

Most ridiculous critique anyone could ever, ever have on this show. That the staircase is too New? Do you want a staircase?

[A]

Mia looks around at the walls and she goes, I see that. I've seen this color before. Isn't it gray? It's like a.

[B]

And.

[A]

And Chantrey is like, yeah, that's what's in right now. And she goes, yeah, it's in. And it's very trendy. And Bernardo's like, we're trying to stay away from trendy. Well, perfect, because you're moving into a gray home.

[B]

I know. Oh, God. You know how gray ages those neutral colors? So then they go into a large room that they. That they like. And Bernardo is talking about, like, yeah, maybe we could add some used furniture in here or something like that. And what? Use furniture? He's like, I mean, you know, try to keep.

[A]

Try.

[B]

Try to narrow the budget a little bit.

[A]

Like, he likes old things. He's like, okay, if we move into a newer house, we need older furniture, then that's my compromise. What the hell? And there's no fireplace, which he doesn't like. And she's like, but we could get one of the electric ones that changes colors and our kids. Fingers won't be burnt. Aren't they still hot?

[B]

Why. Why do people in this family keep touching the fire?

[A]

What is wrong with this family? Do they not have fire in Honduras? What the hell?

[B]

Please teach your children about open flames.

[A]

And Bernardo goes, they make gates for fires to keep the kids out of the fire. So they go into an open concept kitchen. There's an island. And he doesn't like the color, or she doesn't like the color of the cabinets and stuff. And he's like, but we've got kids. We don't want white cabinets. You know, it's going to be like little dirty palms everywhere.

[B]

You know, the kids touch everything. What did you not learn about the stovetop and the fireplace? You're going to get their burnt little fingerprints all over our white. White countertops. No, let's do it all dark colors.

[A]

And he's like, and where's the deck? Where's the deck? And she's like, well, you could build one for 10,000 to $25,000. And he's like, okay, so we're getting up in the price really quick because.

[B]

They have a door. They have a sliding door for a potential deck, but because there's no deck there, it's a sliding door that opens, and then they have a little gate. They have a little fence. That way you don't actually fall out. Yeah, that was Juliet.

[A]

Yeah, that was pretty. Right in the kitchen. So she's like, well, it smells new here. I don't smell dead people, so that's great. You know, I love the space. And he's like, yeah, we could do some entertainment here, you know, as long as we're putting our guests on ropes so they don't fall out the window of the kitchen. I know.

[B]

We'll give them a helmet. So they go up the stairs, and there's like, a whole bunch of generic living spaces up there, carpeted rooms.

[A]

There's no spirits up here. He goes, oh, great. So I have to pay an extra 20 grand for no spirits. Great.

[B]

Yeah, great. There's a spider in the bathtub. And they're like, oh, my God, it's a spider. And then Chantrey goes, oh, spirits is spiders. And Bernardo's like, oh, is there a spirit in that one? And she's like, no, look. What? There's a spider. That one doesn't have a spirit. The spider feels like it would be a spiritual thing.

[A]

Mia knows how to read the spiders. She's like, no, that's a spiritless spider. Don't worry about it. I know my spider spirits. So they go to the main bedroom, and he loves it because they have tray ceilings. Guys, the only home in town with Trey ceilings. He's like, this is it. I found it. I saw this on social media. Knew I was gonna marry it.

[B]

Yeah, they also. There's a. The bathroom is really nice, and he is a big guy. He's tall. He's like a. He's a big, tall guy. And the shower looks really big. It's really new, so it does look like a good bathroom for him. And then they go back down the stairs. They head down the stairs. And she's like, oh, but look at these stairs, honey. Then Chantrey's like, I mean, the steps. Can you die? She's like, I just feel like a queen coming down these stairs. I just want to emphasize, for people who did not see this episode, this is not a big, grand, open staircase like the one that Teresa Judas has in her home. This is just a staircase with two walls alongside it. And again, at the end, it's a wall staircase.

[A]

It's like the least glamorous staircase you could imagine.

[B]

Has she been on a staircase before? It's like, I love it.

[A]

It's so glamorous. And he's like, no, this house is too sterile, and there's no. And she goes, honey, you know, we could build it. And he goes, I'm not building a deck. She goes, you don't have to we would hire somebody, honey. It's like, yeah, that's more money, babe. Do you not understand? So now they go sit at a restaurant and talk about what they're gonna get. Their rental's being sold, so they're running out of time to find Meemaw's house. What are they gonna do?

[B]

So house number one is, like, big. Well, we know what the houses are, basically, and we also kind of know exactly which house are going to go for. At least I knew. I was like, they're going to go with one of the tray, the Trey ceiling. Because he's been obsessed with Trey Sailings. The only thing he's been more obsessed with in grandma's house has been Trey Sailings. And that's clearly what he's going to go for.

[A]

Yeah, I thought he was going to go for the cheapest one.

[B]

I thought so too. And I actually like that one. I actually like that one the most, believe it or not. The other two were. Were newer and more open, but they were just. They were so generic. And I thought the. I thought the older one was cute. And, you know, I thought. I thought it would work well.

[A]

But, yeah, so they ended up getting the tray. The tray ceiling, and they put in an electric fireplace. So she won something, you know.

[B]

Yeah. It all worked out. It all. It all came together, and now they have a luxury house with a fireplace. And she said, I'm just kind of waiting to add some of my sparkle with some razzle dazzle. And he goes, you are the razzle dazzle. Now let's go fly some kites, baby.

[A]

And that brings us to the end of House Hunt.

[B]

All saw. Thank you, everyone, for being here. We really appreciate it. Super fun times. And we will catch you on the next episode of Dwell. Hello. Bye, everyone.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

Bye.