Dwell Hello: Influencer in Colorado

Summary

Watch What Crappens: Dwell Hello — "Influencer in Colorado"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: January 25, 2023
Episode Focus: Recap & mockery of a House Hunters episode, "Influencer in Colorado" (Season 182, Episode 10 on Discovery+), featuring a fashion influencer and her husband searching for a new home in Colorado.

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Episode Overview

Ben and Ronnie return to one of their favorite podcast formats, Dwell Hello, where they eviscerate HGTV’s House Hunters. In this episode, they take on “Influencer in Colorado,” in which Kayla, a self-described fashion influencer, and her husband Ben move home from Chicago to Fort Collins, Colorado. The hosts gleefully roast the couple's social media aspirations, homebuying demands, and the outlandishly specific requirements they bring to their real estate search—especially Ben's obsession with an archery range and Kayla’s influencer aesthetics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Setup and Why the Influencer Is Perfect Fodder

• Ronnie notes upon seeing “influencer,” a bad jacket, and “trying too hard with her hair and eyeliner,” that he immediately knew it would be the perfect House Hunters episode for Dwell Hello.

  “I saw the word ‘influencer,’ and then I saw that she was wearing a big stupid jacket and really tried too hard with her hair… I said, this is my kind of episode, you know?” (02:14)

• Ben playfully admits that self-proclaimed influencer status immediately invites mockery:

  “If you tell me I’m an influencer, I think my first thought, and I’m assuming everyone’s first thought is, you go, go fuck yourself. What a stupid fucking job title.” (02:50)

2. Who Gets to Call Themselves an Influencer?

• Both hosts argue that “influencer” is a title bestowed by others, not self-proclaimed:

  Ben: “That’s like an ‘I’ll be the judge of that’ title. Like, you don’t get to call yourself that.” (03:55)

• They extend the mockery to “thought leaders,” lumping in the influencer self-branding problem.

3. Instagram Sleuthing & Kayla’s Online Persona

• The guys deep-dive into Kayla’s Instagram, critiquing everything from photo lighting to fashion phases:
  • Ben: “She’s always trying to wear Kardashian sunglasses. She’s trying to, like, have that Kardashian ‘I’m in the sunglasses and real tight pony’ look at all times.” (07:12)
  • Ronnie is (perhaps ironically) “impressed” with her “chic” photos, but points out her “obsession with underlit pics… all kind of dark.” (07:42)
  • They riff on influencer moves: hiding the face, going through accessory or clothing “phases,” and curating self-conscious mystique.

4. Judging Influencer Ambitions in Small-Town Colorado

• Ben wonders if it’s close-minded to expect a fashion influencer to aspire to New York, L.A., or Miami over Fort Collins. Ronnie argues, “You can be wherever you want now… actually, you’re the dummy for even living in a place with high taxes and high rent!” (11:52–12:02)
• Chili’s and suburban living get a mention as “the rest of us” perks.

5. Introducing Ben and Kayla (the House Hunters Couple)

• Ben is a consultant; Kayla is an “art director for a gown designer” and (self-described) influencer with “thousands” of followers.
• Immediate critiques flow:
  • Kayla’s home tour sours at “I hate these countertops and the hardware I hate,” sparking instant host animosity.
  • Ben loves “boring guys in Dockers" (05:38) and defends the husband’s bland vibe.

6. Gas Stove POLITICS!

• Ronnie goes on a tangent about the gas stove cultural war, blending House Hunters tropes with actual American discourse:

  “All the Democrats are like, ‘No one in my house will eat anything cooked from a gas stove,’ and then the Republicans are like, ‘Oh yeah, fuck you, I’m cooking everything [on a] gas stove.’” (16:05)

• After Ben gives a short explainer (16:45), Ronnie rants:

  “You guys, get the fuck out of my kitchen. Keep your fighting outside. I… can’t…start doing this with gas stoves. I refuse. I refuse to engage. Even though I just gave it five minutes of my anger.” (18:32)

• Refers listeners to Past Present Podcast for the actual history.

7. Big “Claw-ffice” Energy

• Kayla wants a “claw office” (closet office), which the hosts mercilessly roast:
  • “It sounds like an office where birds attack you or like, you know, crabs come in and start…” (22:59)
  • “What do you do when you just get bag after bag from Talbots delivered by birds and their claws?” (23:18)

8. Husband’s Basement Archery Dream

• Ben’s (the House Hunters husband) obsession becomes clearer: he wants a ranch house not for accessibility, but for a massive basement archery range.
  • “Ben doesn't want a ranch for that reason. Ben wants a ranch because he still wants multiple floors, but he knows if he has a two story house, she's going to get all the rooms upstairs for her ring lights and her Payless shoes that she's gluing Yves Saint Laurent badges onto.” (24:49)

9. House Tours — Three Flawed Choices

House #1: White Two-Story

• Too cramped, bizarre angled fireplace, brown cabinets, no gas stove.
  • “This is all like real builder grade, real cheap carpet…Little tiny rooms. So they can say four bedrooms, but it’s really only like a two with some extra walls.” (40:03)
• Kayla’s influencer priorities surface:
  • “She’s literally only looking at the light.” (40:22)
• Ben criticizes her ever-changing style, but Ronnie calls out the hypocrisy:
  • “You’re the one with the archery in the basement! …that’s very important for people to remember.” (37:20)

House #2: New Build, Gray/Red Exterior

• Generic, not white, small basement, nice kitchen but carpet upstairs, unfinished yard, and no fence (which triggers real-life rant from Ronnie about $11,000 fences).
• Kayla wants cosmetic updates everywhere; Ben finds a makeshift archery range in the garage’s “weird extra long hallway.”
  • “It’s amazing how she must have had to hear about this archery range for so long that it doesn’t even phase her anymore.” (46:55)

House #3: Ranch in Severance

• Under budget by $50k but feels “squat, beige, and sad.” Wet-looking walls, tiny and wedged between huge houses.
• Kayla unexpectedly doesn’t lose it; instead, she tries justifying the “character.” Ben is thrilled by the big basement—“how much bigger of a basement could you want?” (52:21)
• Kitchen and bathrooms are “hideous,” but it does have a gas stove.

10. Realtor John: The Real Hero

• John the realtor’s tolerance is thin, and the hosts love it:

  “John is the best real estate agent of all time.” (50:29)

  • On compromises: “If this was 10 miles west, they would pay 50 grand more. We’re probably going to be in Siberia by the time they find something that they can afford.” (50:03)

11. Final Decision & Inevitable Compromise

• Each house is weighed mostly for archery and influencer potential, but with resigned disappointment.
• The couple chooses the new build with the decent kitchen, garage archery range, and a price of $476k (“because it has a ton of space for all of his hobbies and some of my finishes. And by ‘some,’ I mean one, and by one, I mean half of one. And by half, one, I mean none.” — 58:21)
• Kayla sacrifices her Chicago “Emily in Paris” life (her words) for carpet, suburbia, and Ben’s archery obsession.
  • “‘Yeah, it was definitely hard to leave Chicago. The day we put in the offer, I shat a tear.’ …That’s the influence that you’re leaving over House Hunter, sucker.” (59:11)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On self-anointed influencer status:

  Ronnie: “If you tell me I’m an influencer…go fuck yourself. What a stupid fucking job title.” (02:50)

• Instagram critique:

  Ben: “She’s always trying to wear Kardashian sunglasses. …Trying to, like, have that Kardashian ‘I’m in the sunglasses and real tight pony’ look at all times.” (07:12)

• Gas stove culture war rant:

  Ronnie: “You guys, get the fuck out of my kitchen. Keep your fighting outside. …I can’t… start doing this with gas stoves. I refuse.” (18:32)

• Realtor John’s dry shade:

  John (paraphrased by Ronnie): “Why would I ever bring them here? …They’ve got some tastes that are going to be difficult to hit, if you know what I’m saying. …What I’m trying to say is they’re cheapos.” (33:27–33:46)

• On the ‘claw office’:

  Ben: “It sounds like an office where birds attack you…” (22:59)

• Ben’s archery dreams dissected:

  Ronnie: “At first you say a ranch… But Ben doesn’t want a ranch for that reason. …If he gets the second floor and it’s under the house, that’s boy room, he can use all of that for archery and shit like that. …It’s actually a selfish move, but it’s actually pretty crafty.” (24:49)

• Influencer priorities in home buying:

  Ben: “She’s literally only looking at the light.” (40:22)

• Kayla on leaving Chicago:

  Ronnie: “She sounded so dumb on her last line. She goes, ‘Yeah, it was definitely hard to leave Chicago. The day we put in the offer, I shat a tear.’ …You phony baloney. You shattered tear.” (59:11)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:14] – Why influencer episodes are podcast gold
• [07:12] – Deep-diving Kayla’s Instagram
• [15:10–21:00] – Gas stove politics tangent
• [22:45] – “Claw-ffice” roast
• [24:49] – The basement/archery analysis
• [33:27–34:12] – First house & Realtor John’s dry humor
• [41:49] – Recapping their house-hunting constraints
• [50:03] – On “drive until you qualify,” and Severance, CO
• [56:56] – Final decision/dissatisfaction
• [58:38] – Kayla laments the move, realities of compromise

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Tone & Style

The hosts’ signature blend of irreverent banter, quick-fire jokes, and Bravo-style shade is woven throughout, with frequent asides, tangents (especially about online culture and home-buying expectations), and a camaraderie full of affectionate mockery. Their narrative stays sharp, judgmental (in the spirit of loving reality TV roast), and gleeful in calling out anyone—especially self-serious influencers—who take themselves (or their countertops) too seriously.

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Final Thoughts

This episode delivers exactly what Watch What Crappens fans expect: snarky, incisive, and highly entertaining commentary that both lampoons and weirdly celebrates the quirks of reality TV life. Kayla and Ben (the House Hunters couple) represent all that is ridiculous in influencer and home-buyer culture—and Ben and Ronnie are there to make sure every last detail is eviscerated for your listening pleasure.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Bingo. Well, hello. Welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie and that's Ben. Hi, Ben.

[C]

Hi, Ronnie. How are you?

[B]

Good. Everybody, if you are listening to this, it means you are listening to us on Wondry Plus. So thank you so much for the support. We love being over here on Wonder plus and even more, we love bringing back our Dwell. Hello, House Hunters podcast. Now, this episode that we are covering today we found on the Discovery plus app. Okay. Because we both have that. Anyway, this is in volume eight of House Hunters. It's season 182, episode 10. Now, these are hard to find because as we say on every episode, every network, for whatever reason listen, lists them with different episode and season numbers. But if you're on Discovery plus, that's it. Volume 8, season 182, episode 10. Or you could just Google the title of the episode, Influencer in Colorado and see where that takes you. But we try to do these recaps in a way that you don't have to watch these episodes. There's a million of these episodes. We just like making fun of randos. So that's why we're here.

[C]

Yep, that's exactly correct. And they're all funny and they're all, like, very easy targets of ridicule, it turns out.

[B]

Yeah. So, anyway, welcome. This is called Influencer in Colorado. It was my choice. It was my turn to pick today. I saw the word influencer, and then I saw that she was wearing a big stupid jacket and really tried too hard with her hair and. And that her eyeliner wasn't quite right. And I said, this is my kind of episode, you know?

[C]

Yeah, well, it is funny. I mean, yeah, anytime you go onto one of these shows and describe yourself as an influencer, we're already going to root against you. Although I have to say, I think by the end of the episode, I kind of switched over to her side versus her husband.

[B]

It's not really about side. It's just like, even if you are an influencer. Let's say you're an influencer with a million followers, okay? And I say, hey, what do you do now? If you say, I play baseball, like, maybe you're just someone who's really good at, like, community baseball, and that's what makes you a fun influencer. If you say anything but the word influencer, I'm going to be okay. But if you tell me I'm an influencer, I think my first thought, and I'm assuming everyone's first thought is, you go, go fuck yourself. What a stupid fucking job title. And influencer.

[C]

Well, I feel like it's. I know, I know. I feel like I'm kind of resisting the fact that there are, like, legitimate jobs where people are influencers. But there's just something about the name influencer because it implies that you have influenced and that you have influence. And I kind of feel like influencer is a term that we the influenced. We grant that to the people who have influenced us. It's not up for me to say, hey, guess what? I'm an influencer now. It's like, no, you to influence people first. And I don't know.

[B]

I'll be the judge of that. Yeah, that's like an I'll be the judge of that title. Like, you don't get to call yourself that. There was a guy on Peacock that both made us crazy. And I was looking at his bio and I was like, why does he make me so crazy? And I saw it clear as day. He calls himself a thought leader. Go yourself. Now do I, Quentin? Yes. Now, do I know that that's a legit thing that people call themselves? Of course. But that's like a you thing to call yourself. Like, I'm not going to respect you if you say you're an influencer or. Or if you are a thought leader. Okay, I will be the judge of that, sir and ma'. Am. Respectively.

[C]

Yes, respectively. So this episode opens up with Linda doing her narration. Kayla's a fashion influencer who's reluctantly agreed to move back to her. To her and her husband's hometown in Colorado, since he wants more space now that they both work from home.

[B]

But Ben thinks that room for his hobbies is more important than her luxuries. So she's already kind on Kayla's side on this. Like, you can tell with Linda's voice, like, yeah, she's mocking Ben. Like, oh, look at Ben, the stupid man with his stupid hobbies. Which in her defense, it's like archery in the house. Okay, so Like, I get it, but we're discounting something here or just leaving something out of this. And I'm assuming Linda's leaving it out because it's a visual show and we can all see this with our eyes. But Ben is hot. If Ben wants to do archery in the goddamn kitchen while I'm trying to microwave some Mac and cheese. And he can do. So Ben is gorgeous. Ben can do. Ben can do whatever the fuck he wants to.

[C]

I don't know. I mean, I thought he was. I don't even remember what he looks like. And I just watched the show two hours.

[B]

My favorite kind. I love a boring guy in Dockers. Just like a boring guy. Like, if he robbed a bank and people said, give us a description, you couldn't because you just don't remember. You know, like, you think you had a good date, and then you're like, but what did he look like? And his face is just fuzzy in my head. God, I find that attractive.

[C]

I'm looking. I'm Googling right now because I need to get a fresh visual on him right now because I. And there's like, none. There's. Oh, well. But her Instagram has popped up.

[B]

Oh, I have it. I have it ready to go. You're on her Instagram now.

[C]

K, space A, space Y, space L, space A, Kayla.

[B]

Yeah, see? Fuck off. You can fuck off with the spelling of your Instagra, too. You know what I mean? Like, everything about her is just like, fuck off to me. Okay, now, there's some interesting things here. First of all, because she describes herself, she's like, I'm an influencer with, like, thousands of. Thousands of thousands of followers. So she's got 32,000 followers. I think that's healthy. I'm not going to diss her follow level, I think. I mean, I don't know as far as an influencer, how many you're supposed to have. I would imagine more, but, you know, you can always get more, and I think that's a good amount. I will say, very unhealthy obsession. I think she's very insecure about her face because she's always trying to wear Kardashian sunglasses. She's trying to, like, have that Kardashian. I'm in the sunglasses and real tight pony look at all times.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I have to say, I'm a little. I'm a little impressed with this Instagram account because based on her look and vibe on House Hunters, I thought it was. This is gonna be a very sad fashion influencer. Account. But actually there's a lot of like, very chic photos. But she has this real obsession with under lit pics. She's like, give me a photo and then let me put like a gray filter on it. Do you notice this? I think all kind of dark.

[B]

Yeah, they are all kind of dark. I was wondering if it's because I'm looking on my computer, not my phone. But then she does have bright ones because then she has ones where she's with her husband, who, by the way, hot. Okay. Do you think he's hotter here? It's your husband.

[C]

No, I don't. Because. No, because I can't see his face. He's obscure.

[B]

Yeah, I love it.

[C]

So, okay, wait, here's a video. I'm gonna look at the video. It's our Christmas card. Blame it on the mistletoe. Wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas. I mean, he's fine. He's like an. He's like a nice looking.

[B]

Yeah, he's fine.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Fuck yeah, he is. Oh, by the way, blame the mistletoe is what I'm gonna say when I meet your husband and make out with him right in front of you. Once they blame the mistletoe, but yeah, she covers her face a lot in sunglasses. And then when she is showing her face without sunglasses, she's always looking away. So her face is half covered. Or she. There's something. She's got a weird insecurity, which makes me feel kind of bad about making fun of her, but. What? Look at that. It's already gone.

[C]

It's gone. Because that's not a real insecure. No, no, that's just the thing that influencers do. Like, there are some people who, like, whenever they take a photo, they always put their. They like put their hand over their face or they turn away. It's like they don't want to give you everything because you keep coming back looking for more. And it's like it's so affected. It's so like, look like it's so deliberate that it kind of actually bothers me.

[B]

And another thing I'm noticing, this could just really all be about her Instagram. But another thing I'm noticing as I through this is how she goes through phases of different things. Like for a little while, she's like, you know what I'm into right now? Coffee cups. Like, just like I'm holding coffee. I just got coffee. I'm about to get coffee. I'm on my way from the coffee place. And then she moves into like, man, Button down work shirts, like suit shirts and boots. She's just like, I'm gonna wear a man's work shirt and boots, and that's going to be my style for the next month.

[C]

Yeah. And then she. If you scroll really far down, you enter her glove phase, where she looks a little bit like she's doing some sort of like, you know, community theater cabaret production. Like, she's sort of crouched down. She's got this black glove out.

[B]

Well, this was a year ago, so this, the glove picture is 50 weeks ago. So it's almost a year ago. And this is right around this time. I don't want to read all the comments, but I think this is right around the time somebody said, stop showing your whole face. Who does that? Because this is the last picture of her face that you see on this whole thing. Like, if we hadn't scrolled down 50 weeks, I wouldn't even know who this girl is.

[C]

Yeah. And then if you keep scrolling beyond it, her face obscured again. So she like, for a moment was like, you know what? I'm showing my face. And then people, she probably did not get the response that she had wanted. So she's now gone back to obscuring it.

[B]

Okay, so let's get on with this recap. But I'm with you in that I was more impressed with this than I thought I would be. I was like, oh, this is going to be embarrassing, but it's pretty good.

[C]

Yeah, I thought it was gonna be like a. I thought it was gonna be like someone in their kitchen showing up their mat, their Mackenzie's child stuff, like showing off some sort of thing that they got from like she in or whatever. So I was like, oh, no. She's like, you know what? Good for her. Good for Kayla.

[B]

And you know, she does do, you know, very hopeful posts. Like she'll post like Gucci and you're like, no. Or she's like Yves Saint Laurent. Like, yeah, unsponsored post. You know, she has a lot of those. But she also eats a whole loaf of bread in bed. So, like, she has charcuterie in bed. So I'm. I'm for her. Okay, so let's get on.

[C]

Is it weird? Is it weird for me? Is it weird for me, Is it close minded for me to think that a fashion influencer should be aspiring to live in like New York, Louisiana, or Miami as opposed to Fort Collins, Colorado?

[B]

No, you can live wherever that you want to now. Yes, it sure is.

[C]

Okay, good. That's what I was going for.

[B]

Yeah, you can be wherever. Now it doesn't really matter. Actually, you're the dummy for even living in the place with the high taxes and the high rent, because you don't need to be there, sucker. Let me tell you what the rest of us have. It's a little place called Chili's.

[C]

Suck it. Suck it.

[B]

Coasters.

[C]

So we're here in Fort Colorado. Fort Collins, Colorado. We meet Ben. Ben is a consultant. And we meet Kayla. Kayla is a social media and art director for a gown designer. She's also a fashion influencer on social media with, as you said, thousands of followers.

[B]

Yeah. And I just wrote, she's in the thrift store, black blazer, but whatever you say, lady. Okay. And her first line is in the episode, she goes, this island is a great size, but these countertops I hate, and the hardware I hate. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna hate this person. I'm gonna hate her. It's a perfect choice for an episode.

[C]

Yeah, I thought I was gonna really hate her. So they've been together for six years. They have a dog named Bella, because, of course they have a dog named Bella. And Kayla's like, Ben is. He's very laid back, and, like, I'm much more creative and, like, you're much more analytical.

[B]

Right?

[C]

And he's like, yeah, sure. And they're staying with Ben's parents for a week in Fort Collins while they try to find a house. I don't know. Did they ever explain why there was such a time crunch on this search?

[B]

They didn't. My guess is rent prices are very expensive and her career isn't bringing in tons of money yet or whatever. And he's like, I want to support you as an influencer, but I also want babies. But they're those people that moved away from town. They're like, yeah, we're moving to Chicago. We're moving to the big city, suckers. And then they're coming back, and she's pissed about it. And they're still using Chicago accents. Like, that's where they're from. And especially her. She's doing it really thick. I'm like, they don't talk like this in Colorado. Why are you acting like you've been in Chicago for, like, four years or whatever? And now you have a really thick Chicago accent, girl. Come on now.

[C]

Chicago is a great influencer. Chicago's an accent influencer. Apparently.

[B]

So.

[C]

And by the way, let it be known, she does not want to move back. It is so clear she wants to stay in Chicago.

[B]

She is pissed because she keeps saying over and over, like, I agreed to come here before I was even ready to, so I should get the countertops that I want. Like, no, you should start making money. Your damn influencer job, okay? That's what you should get. Because if you were making the real money from Yves Saint Laurent, who you post multiple times on this thing, you would be able to afford matte black cabinets with gold hardware, okay? It's on hgtv, like, every day. So you make an effort and you stop yelling at my beautiful, innocent, sweet, hot Ben, who just wants to shoot arrows in peace.

[C]

He just wants to shoot arrows in the basement. Like, he's Geena Davis. So they're staying at his parents house, David and Rhonda. I was really excited for Rhonda to have a big role in this episode, and she didn't.

[B]

I was very sad. This is definitely Rhonda who didn't give a fuck. She's like, oh, God. Well, our home was your home. Hate this bitch. Why did we let this bitch marry our son?

[C]

Why?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. So Kayla's like, well, so we currently live in Chicago, and we knew we eventually wanted to be back where. Where our parents were for when we have kids. And, you know, if it was completely up to me, I would have stayed in Chicago for a few more years or decades. But long term, I think it'll be good. And it's just, you know, it's a tough adjustment for me.

[B]

And Ben's like, yeah, well, I want an open floor plan, and I have to have a gas stove in my kitchen. That's the only thing I need because that's, like, the only way to cook. And I'm like, ben, open your mouth and put it around mine because I love you. Can I ask you something? I need to interrupt this episode that is so far about nothing. To ask you about something else that's inconsequential. What's going on with gas stoves? Every time, you know, I get, you know, I get my news from Twitter, right? And people are so upset about gas stoves. Like, I guess the Democrats are saying gas stoves are bad now. And so all the Democrats are like, no one in my house will eat anything cooked from a gas stove. And then the Republicans are like, oh, yeah, fuck you. I'm cooking everything. A gas stove. And I'm like, we've brought our horrible politics and our horrible attitudes with each other to the world of gas stoves. Surely you can explain to me the controversy, please.

[C]

I haven't been following it. But I think it has to do something for like how has the gas has a link to childhood asthma and maybe like trying to separate away from use of fossil fuels and things like that.

[B]

Okay, so I just googled cooking with.

[C]

Gas and also there also. Did you not learn anything from last week? Gas stoves are terrible. This is terrifying. I can't look at the gas stove.

[B]

Yeah, just look. We've always as some, especially as somebody who has watched HGTV forever, like my whole life since it started. Gas stoves are like the way everybody wants gas stuff. Always, always, always. Until this week. So I just googled cooking with gas. The New York Times, what to know about gas stove alternatives, the Washington Post. The gas stove debate is a battle bigger than just our kitchens and Mother Jones. How. Well, this is where you read, right? To really know the controversy. How the fossil fuel industry convinced Americans to love gas by Mother Jones. You guys, get the fuck out of my kitchen. Keep your fighting outside. I deal with you guys yelling at each other all fucking year about every little thing. I can't like this because fucking Republicans love it and the Democrats don't. I'm not supposed to like this. I'm not supposed to like that. Get the fuck out of my kitchen already. You're not going to start doing this with gas stoves. I refuse. I refuse to engage. Even though I just gave it five minutes of my anger.

[C]

Yeah. Wow, that was. That was.

[B]

Are you not noticing this? You don't see anything about this? You don't care?

[C]

Well, I'm just. I haven't read enough about it, so I'm not gonna rant until I'm informed and then I'll rant.

[B]

But by the way, you'll be angry when you're told what to be angry about when they tell me what I'm supposed to be mad about.

[C]

No, no, I'll be mad when I actually read because I'm already seeing headlines saying that no one's coming for your gas stoves and that this has been drummed up by people who are trying to inflame culture wars. So I'm not trying to also be part of that too.

[B]

Listen, I'm not being a part of anything. I'm someone who opens the news and sees suddenly everybody's fighting about gas.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

I'm not saying who's right or who's wrong. I don't give a fuck. Leave me alone. Fucking get out of my kitchen. Just fight about something else. I feel like it's creepy. It creeps closer and closer. All this. You know, let's just say it. It's like, that's the thing we're mad about right now. Gas devs. Oh, my God. Let's write me your letters. Yell about. Yell at me in your letters. I don't care.

[C]

Our friends. Our friends who do the Past Present podcast, specifically my friend Neil. They have an episode that came out just today about how gas. How gas devs became political. So if you would like to hear, three historians have their take on it. I said, go check out the past.

[B]

Well, I will, actually, because that. Those guys will give me a very b. Those people will give me a very balanced take on it. So thank you. I will take that advice.

[C]

Okay, great. So I really enjoyed your furor over that, by the way. That was. That was good. By the way. They can take my gas stove because my gas stove is so temperamental. It is so annoying. I'm like, I want to replace it with another gas stove, but they can take my actual brand right now because I'm not happy with it.

[B]

It's not even the gas. It's not the stove. It's the fact that I'm just waking up to another day of being told that I'm supposed to be furious about something that everyone has just suddenly decided we're all furious about now. And I'm pissed. I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm just sick of the timeline. That's it. It's not really gas. It's not stoves. I'm sick of the timeline. That's it. I'm leaving the timeline. Goodbye. I'll be in another timeline.

[C]

You're sick and tired of being sick and tired of the old Apex commercial. Apex.

[B]

I will be doing podcast making fun of dinosaurs, okay? In the dinosaur times. I'm sick of this timeline.

[C]

Meanwhile, if the induction oven lobby of North America cares to advertise on this podcast, we're all about it.

[B]

Next you're gonna tell me. Next you're gonna tell me we can't put lead in paint.

[C]

Well, that being said, Ben, your. Your favorite Ben. He wants a gas stove. And I'll tell you one thing, he's probably very against all this talk about gas stoves becoming illegal.

[B]

So not anymore. Because, you know, fucking Kayla's on his ass going, oh, no, now we hate gas stoves. We hate them now. Oh, my God. I can't believe they're even still showing this. House hunters. I'm an influencer. We can't buy gas stoves. We hate gas stoves. Okay, get on a suit and Do a live about how much you hate gas now. Do it. Do it, Ben.

[C]

Well, she wants. She doesn't care about gas stats. What she cares about are, I want matte black cabinets, brushed gold hardware, white countertop, definitely hardwood floor throughout. And I hate hate, hate, hate, hate carpet on the main levels.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I just want it to look like a showroom. It's not that hard. Well, actually, it is that hard because if, if things could look easily like a showroom, we would all have houses that look like showrooms.

[B]

Yeah. Also, I mean, like, if you're gonna have a showroom, you need to look like a show car. You know what I mean? You can't walk in here in your thrift store blazer and demand a showro.

[C]

Just.

[B]

You just can't. I wish I. First of all, I kind of wish I was John the realtor. But then when we actually meet John the realtor, I'm so appreciative that I. I just want John to be alive forever because he's great with her. So she's like, okay, he is great.

[C]

He has no tolerance for her.

[B]

She's like, I want space that I could use as a closet office. I call it a claw office.

[C]

I forgot about the clothes. I forgot how much I hated that. And she pushes the clothes really hard.

[B]

It sounds like an office where birds attack you or like, you know, crabs come in and start.

[C]

Clothes. Don't like it. It's a cl. It's a closet office. Yeah. As a part time influencer, I have an influx of clothes. I mean, what do you do when you just get bag after bag from.

[B]

Talbots delivered by birds and their claws? It's crazy. I need a place that had to.

[C]

Be put in the claw.

[B]

It's like a place where you can get dressed, but you can also move a joystick around until you claw the stuffed animal that you've wanted the whole time. It's a claw game fist.

[C]

Now, this is not to be confused with the chlorophyll. That's a totally different concept. That's just a closet of an orifice mixed together.

[B]

Can I do archery in your orifice? Oh, calm down, Ben. Okay, get out of here. We're talking about the clothes.

[C]

So Ben wants to stay in the $450,000 range, and he really wants a ranch house. And the reason why he wants a ranch house is solely so that way he can have a giant basement so he can set up an archery range. So the entire style of the entire house is based off of his desire to have an Archery range. Now, I don't know. This is like a wild concept that I personally have. I know this is controversial. We're, we're taking on Hot Topics. We already talked about gas stoves possibly being banned. I'm going to say something. This may cause me to lose a lot of followers. This may impact our podcast. But I'm just gonna say it. What about doing an archery rig outside?

[B]

Oh, but think about the children.

[C]

It's shocking.

[B]

Oh, think about the children, Ben. Okay. Mother Jones is about to write a article about it. Okay, people doing archery outside. Look at all the dead children from archery. But here's where what I'm getting with Ben's request. What a man. Okay? Because at first you say a ranch. Okay? Like I'm at the age where I say I want a ranch house because I'm getting old, I don't like to move. All I need to do is really hurt my ankle and boom, I can never go upstairs again. Like, what if my bedroom's up there? I need things flat. I need it to be so my old ass can fall down drunk and literally crawl to bed. Okay? That's why I want a ranch. But Ben doesn't want a ranch for that reason. Ben wants a ranch because he still wants multiple floors, but he knows if he has a two story house, she's going to get all the rooms upstairs for her ring lights and her Payless shoes that she's glueing Yves Saint Laurent badges onto. But if he gets the second floor and it's under the house, that's boy room, he can use all of that for archery and shit like that. So it's actually a selfish move, but it's actually pretty crafty. I gotta hand it to him.

[C]

Well, it's, it's crafty, but it's not a craftsman. Now I have to say that he doesn't even want a ranch. I don't think he even wants a house. He wants archery range. And as a concession, he will allow there to be a residential space above it. That's all he wants.

[B]

He just wants to aim.

[C]

He wants pointed. He wants a mixed use archery range. That's what he wants.

[B]

And it's so funny because he's like, well, I want a ranch because it's for resale. And she's like, well, I want a two story because that's how I grew up. I'm like, you guys both have terrible arguments.

[C]

Heritage, architectural style. Like, it's like I grew up in two floors. I don't know, I need to be on two Floors again? Yeah, listen, I am for multiple floors if it's like, if it makes sense. So what I would not be into is a janky ass floor plan. But like, oh, but it's two stories, so we should keep it because it's two stories. The answer is no one story. But you know what it is? They're probably coming from an apartment. And I have to say, I think when you are in an apartment for a long enough time, the idea of a staircase becomes very exotic to you. Because I spent what, I've spent like 20 years out here in LA, actually. In fact, I grew up. My. My home growing up is basically single story. And there's like one area, there's like one little loft area, but it's basically single story. And I have been in. I have been in apartments for 20 years and sometimes you go to someone's house and they have like a staircase in their apartment and you're like, oh my God, it's a staircase. And you're like so excited and it's like, wow, that's. That's so cool. And then Dom and I, we bought a house together. We got bought a townhouse. And it has, it has two staircases and it's like, ooh, staircases. Guess what? That shit gets old really quickly.

[B]

It does.

[C]

The moment. Oh, my God. Staircases are from the devil. I think that like.

[B]

And you have like four levels. Like, you have a huge.

[C]

You know, I.

[B]

You have a lot of stairs.

[C]

They have a lot of stairs. It's three stories, but it's like tall ceilings. So basically it's like four stories of height. It's four stories worth of steps, but only three stairwells.

[B]

And it's beautiful, by the way. It's a beautiful place. And yes, it's a lot of. And they're very pretty stairs too, but. Yeah, that's a lot of stairs.

[C]

Thank you. I did not build them myself, so you can say they're shitty stairs.

[B]

Also.

[C]

You pick them, you know, like, you know when you have to. But anyone with a staircase knows if you. If like you're upstairs and then you leave something downstairs, you have to go all the way downstairs and go all back, all the way upstairs. And with one staircase, that's a. That's a lot. You got two and they're super sized. Okay. And then you get down there and then you realize the thing that you forgot isn't even there is you have to go all the way back upstairs. You're like, oh, I must have left it there. And you get all the Way upstairs. It's not there either. So they have to do the. Go to the second floor.

[B]

Yeah, it sucks.

[C]

It's just. It's a nightmare.

[B]

But now they've made it where you have to live like that because land is so expensive. You can't just have a ranch. I mean, you can't just be like, okay, I want all the square footage on one story. They're gonna be like, well, that'll be 19 zillion dollars for your quarter of an acre or whatever you're. You're trying to get, you know? So they've kind of built us up so that it's like a luxury having a rancher.

[C]

I would like to. I love that realtor that you just used.

[A]

Well. Well, they are $4 million.

[C]

Sales. It's like popcorn. Leghorn Realty.

[B]

That's my character, Denny, the. The Texas mayor who just doesn't want to do anything. Like, anytime he runs, they're like, so what are you gonna do about the freeways? Nothing.

[C]

They don't move.

[B]

And that's where you catch up with your family, Denny. For family time. Just the laziest asshole ever. Okay, the point is.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

The point is, stairs suck, okay? Everybody hates them.

[C]

He wants an archery range. Yes.

[B]

Ben has some dark, devious archery dreams. Okay? So she's like, well, I want very specific things. I want matte black cabinets. I want gold hardware. I want white countertops. I definitely want hardware floors because I hate carpet. Specifically on the main levels.

[C]

Yeah. And Ben is saying. Ben's talking about how ranches have the big basements. And he goes, you know, because I got a. I got a ton of hobbies. Like, I love mountain biking. I love hiking. I love archery, and I. I need to be able to practice my archery. Okay. I want an unfinished basement that I can build an archery range in. Also, ideally, if we could put an unfinished basement also that can. That can accommodate an indoor mountain biking track, I would love that, too.

[B]

Totally. It's like, I have hobbies, you know? Biking, climbing, bank robbing, masturbation, darts, pottery, parkour, barrel racing, poor minimizing foot flattening, brick weaving and archery. You know, I love archery, so if.

[C]

I could do all those things in the basement, it'd be great.

[B]

Every time she says she wants something, all I see is money just falling out of the sky, and I can't even shoot it because I'm not allowed to bring out my archery set unless we're in a basement.

[C]

Yeah. So, yeah, so they're gonna be. Ben is happy to live within 20 minutes of the city of downtown Fort Collins. And. And by the way, while they're like, you know, it's the top of the episode. So they're again, they're in his parents kitchen, they're talking about what they want from a house. And very like. Like, inauspiciously, he just is slowly making a dough. Did you notice that?

[B]

Oh, that's his other thing. So, you know when a guy learns how to cook something and they just do it all the time? That's his thing. He's like, and I make pasta. Hey, you know what these countertops would be great for? Rolling out the pasta. Yeah. Rolling up. And Rhonda's like, that's my boy.

[C]

And no, Kayla hates it because she's trying to be a fashion influencer. And there's nothing about the concept of fashion influencer that has any sort of Venn diagram overlap with pasta.

[B]

I know pasta goes against literally everything that Kayla stands for. Well, they're starting in Windsor, 20 miles southeast of Fort Collins. And so Kayla's like, there are white houses in the neighborhood. I love white houses. So how much is this place? And Ben's like, it's half a mil. That's over our price range, babe.

[C]

Yeah. By the way, I love that she is so impressed to find houses that are painted white. I feel like it's a pretty standard thing. So we meet. It's like. It's like. It's like, wow. I just want a house that's fuchsia. It's like, okay, that's unique. That's a unique ask. Like, I want a house that's white and has. Has a door. So we meet the. We meet this realtor, John Holston, who is just. He's already over them. He's already had so many phone calls with him leading up to this trip. He's just done. And he goes, why would I ever bring them here? I mean, I need them to see what their money is going to buy them. They've got a. They've got some tastes that are going to be difficult to hit, if you know what I'm saying. And what they're wanting to spend. What I'm trying to say is they're cheapos. If they want to have an indoor archery range, why don't you just buy an Equinox, for crying out loud?

[B]

Listen, do I want a chin? Yeah. But, you know, I also got what I got. So I shave a line of a goatee, and then I shave another line of a goatee right under my. Does it look like there's a weird skin horizontal stripe on my chin. Yes. But I've also got a definition. Now you say, did you see that guy's weird chin? You don't say, look at that weird guy without a chin. You see what I'm saying? Work within your budget, people.

[C]

So house number one is two stories. It's also white. And of course, Ben is upset that it's two stories. And John's like, listen, it's not a ranch, but you guys have to compromise on this one. I'm like, wow, John, you're coming in hot. This is house number one.

[B]

John hates them. And it's so funny. Ben's like, well, it's a big garage and kid that goes, yeah, we might need to change out the brick color. Like, we'll probably have to whitewash it. And John's like, ah, just take off the brick. Just take it off. Who needs brick, huh? Just get rid of.

[C]

Here's what you do. You go to Bed, Bath and Beyond. You get a bunch of cheap white sheets and just hang them up in front of your bricks. Done.

[B]

So this is a four bed, three bath. It is a weird layout. It's one of those places you come in the front door, and the room is a hallway that leads to the kitchen, but it goes around an oddly angled fireplace.

[C]

Makes sense. It really didn't look from the outside, the place looks really big. So you think, oh, wow, this will be a big house. You walk in, walk in the doorway. There's a staircase going up in front of you. And then the next room, like you said, this sitting room, goes diagonally away from the door. So there's diagonals going on. Whenever you have diagonals, that's always going to be a problem.

[B]

Yeah, I think someone was like, I want a gas fireplace, and I want it right in the living room. And they're like, well, the only place we could actually cut in, we would have to drop it down into the middle of the living room. But I guess we could, like, put it diagonal and add those walls and, like, do it. And now it just looks crazy.

[C]

Yeah, didn't love it. So they're walking through and sort of a cramped living room. It was, like, not inviting. So they walk through and they go into the kitchen, and there's a nice big island. So, of course, Ben's like, oh, I could make pasta on this one. Pasta. You love pasta, don't you, honey?

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna make my pasta on this island. She's like, okay, but the stove's electric, so Riddle me that, Batman. He's like, well, yeah, that's not good. That is not good. And she goes, and these cabinets are brown, not black. And I wanted gold. Hardw. I just don't know about this place. I just don't know. Honey, you're not gonna walk into any house in Fort Wayne, wherever the fuck you are, and find gold hardware. It's just not gonna happen. All right? Get to the hardware store. Go on Amazon. Here's your new friend, Alibaba.

[C]

Okay, sorry. Seriously? Even Siri's upset about it. Or Alexa. Alexa's like, come on, girl, Please. I'm here for you.

[B]

Sorry. Make an effort, please.

[C]

Did you really think you were going to find a chic kitchen in suburban Fort Collins, Colorado?

[B]

Babe, I don't know why the cabinets need to be matte. He's like, ah. Two years ago, she was all about farmhouse. Now it's black matte and gold hardware. I don't know what it's going to be in a couple of years. So, like, that can be real expensive. Like, I mean, God, what, are we supposed to change it every two years?

[C]

Yep. Yeah, he's sort of. This is where we see the first signs of his sort of condescending attitude towards anything that she wants. Like, you're such a fickle girl. Like, one minute you love matte black cabinets. The next minute you love psychedelic purple and pink wallpaper. It's like, no, sir. You're the one with the archery in the basement. Let's not overlook that you want an archery range in the basement. Okay, I feel like we're getting away from that. That's very important for people to remember. So John is like, well, for the amount that you want to pay, you're gonna have to give up a few things. Or compromise. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna say this all. All episode long, because I can already tell you're not listening the first time I say it. Yeah.

[B]

It's like, if you want that, you're gonna have to do what you did when you married Ben. Give up on life. Close. Except that I'm never really gonna be a movie star. Close. Compromise. Yes. Do what your mother told you. Compromise. All right, fine. I know, but I really want everything exactly how I want when I move in. And he's like, but that's not how life works, you fucking nitwit. Okay, Now, I know you think that everything's gonna be done for you, but welcome to reality. It's bullshit. Whatever dreams you watched growing up lied.

[C]

To you, little girl.

[B]

All right. Welcome to dark brown cabinets with rusty pulls.

[C]

Listen, little girl, you want things the way you want them. Well, guess what? Don't be a fashion influencer who marries a guy who loves pasta and wants to live next to his parents so he can shoot bows and arrows in the basement, okay? You should have thought that a few years ago.

[B]

I just wrote, lol point for John. I love this guy. So she's like, but like, I hate being put back in my place as far as what's in our means. So even she took it that way. She's like, God, I hate being put in my place. That's not fun. But you know what? Like, I want to walk in and everything's the way I'd like it. That's it. So they go down and look at the huge rec area.

[C]

It's huge.

[B]

And Ben's like, wow, it's a pretty decent size even for not being a ranch.

[C]

Yeah. He's like, I think it's long enough that I could even have an archery range in here. I was like, okay, well, you're upstairs. You have a cramped ass living space, but this giant basement that you could turn into something that has, I don't know, TV and sofas, but sure, make it an archery range. Sure.

[B]

So then they go outside and there's a huge deck. It's a good backyard. And they're like, oh, my God, Bella's gonna love it back here. And then they go upstairs and check out all the bedrooms up there.

[C]

And I hated the upstairs. There's all sorts of weird angles and arches and it was just.

[B]

Yeah, this isn't. This isn't cute. This is all like real builder grade, real cheap carpet. Real.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Little tiny rooms. So they can say four bedrooms, but it's really only like a two with some extra walls, you know?

[C]

Right. But she's fine with it because she's like, this would be great for photos. Like, I could do my try on sessions over here. I mean, who even needs a clothes? Am I right?

[B]

She's literally only looking at the light.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She's like, there's a window on that wall. We're buying this house.

[C]

Yeah. And Ben goes, it's weird how there's no door into the bathroom. And she's like, ugh, look at these countertops. They look like they belong on the floor. I mean, I need nice finishes. I'm already moving here before. I want to. The least I can have. Because she randomly says, have out of nowhere. Just the least I can have is not a floor for my Countertops.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like, yeah. You know, I know that she's compromising by moving here before she's ready, but, like, there has to be some give and take. It doesn't have to be perfect. So overall, they like the basement and the garage for him. And the living area is weird and cramped and, you know, being a triangle for the couch hallway, it's a little weird. And no gas stove.

[C]

Yeah. But she does love that there's enough space for my clothes, but I can change. I can change out almost all the finishing gear. So basically the basement is good. And there's a room upstairs that's good. And everything else is shit.

[B]

Yeah. Well, with the pressure on, we're hoping this is the one. So they're driving to the next place, and Ben goes, did you check this one out online? She goes, not much. I just clicked on the link. That's like literally the easiest thing. It's like the lowest effort you could have made was to look at the place online.

[C]

You guys, seriously. Kayla and Ben have a week to find a house before they return to Chicago, where Kayla could look at the city where she thought there'd be so much potential and say goodbye to it. So the pressure's on their broker to find them something that'll please them both.

[B]

And John's like, yeah, they're very, very different people. I mean, they have different tastes. And this home has a garage, basement and nice finishes. So let's see what these idiots think. And it's a gray house. You can tell it's new. I think it's pretty. You know, it's kind of plain, but it's. It's, you know, pretty. It's like a new neighborhood looking house.

[C]

It's like it was like generic architecture. It was like a generic house, but, like, it has this, like, it was like gray and, like dark ketchup red. It was a weird color choice on the outside. And she's like, it's not white. I'm like, well, look, I think it's ugly too. But it's called get. Hire some painters.

[B]

Yeah. Although this does look like an HOA neighborhood. I don't even know if they'd allow that. You know, those HOAs are real. You're like, oh, you can do whatever you want to it. And then they're like, no, we have approved colors. Okay.

[C]

We have a specific burgundy color scheme that we're pretty strict about maintaining.

[B]

Yeah. So John's like, yeah, it's not white, but it's also brand new, dummy. So why don't you go in and give it a try? And Ben's like, didn't I say I wanted a ranch? And he's like, and didn't I say, give a little. Your selfish fuck. You don't mind stairs. You only want them leading to a Ben only zone instead of a shared space. Just divorce this man. He's not hot enough for this kind of work, okay?

[C]

Seriously. So they go inside, and she's like, okay, you know what? These floors, you know, I can deal with these. But, like, this light fixture is so ugly. And he goes, you know what? You have to use your imagination, okay? There's a lot to be done to bring it up to what you want. Okay? Say. Think about what I'm saying. Up to what you want, which is too much. Too much, missy.

[B]

So Ben's like, yeah, but. Except we want to spend our 450, and this house is over that amount already. So they look at the kitchen. It's, like, cute. Standard hardwood floor, stainless steel, which is nice. White countertops, which you know he's gonna love because he's gonna say he can make pasta on those. Which, sure enough, he's like, oh, my God, I can make pasta on those countertops.

[C]

And then he's. And then he starts the Gaslight Kayla. He goes, and look, it has the black cabinets you wanted, and they're, like, clearly brown. She's like, those are not black. Those are brown. He goes, but it's pretty close, isn't it? God, aren't these black cabinets just so beautiful? Beautiful black cabinets. Stop trying to do that. It never works on me. I'm an influencer. I understand these things.

[B]

And she's like, it's really important that Ben understands my need for. For fashion and style, because that is what I do for a living. Okay? So Ben's like, if we bring in Bella in here without a fence, she's gonna run the hell for the hills. Okay? I mean, I'm already dreaming about her saying, please stop putting me in purses, please. I mean, she's gonna run. Babe, we need a fence.

[C]

How much does it cost to build a fence? Is that really expensive? Yes. Is it?

[B]

Yes. Why? Because, you know, I actually ran into this problem myself. There wasn't a fence. And I said, why isn't there a fence? They said, you don't need one. I said, what do you mean, I don't need one? I said, well, it's just far out there, you know? I said, but I need a fence. I have a dog. Oh, you can just get a fence what do you mean? You can just get a fence? I called the fence guy with $11,000 for one piece for just the back of the fence. Okay.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I'm not even kidding. I almost started crying, I was so mad. I'm still so mad. Can you me tell?

[C]

Well, why is it that expensive for offense?

[B]

I don't know. Everything's expensive. God. Thanks a lot, world.

[C]

Could you imagine if they really like this home and they didn't buy it because there was no fence in the back?

[B]

Yeah. Like a. You know, little things can be. Can be deal breakers. Also, it did look kind of like a busy road or whatever.

[C]

Yeah. It also looked like a horrific place to live, which we should also mention. It was just like a generic suburban tract with. It just. Was just. It was just sad. It was a sad space.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This.

[B]

None of this was great. I like the kitchen the best. I think out of all, kitchen was.

[C]

The only good part of this house.

[B]

Yeah. And it's really the only part. I mean, I could sleep in there. Like, I'm fine in there. So then they go to the basement, of course, and it's not long enough for archery, so. Yeah.

[C]

And he's like, no, a ranch should have. Would have a bigger basement, which we could. You know, which would be better for resale. He keeps saying that, talking about how the unfinished basement's gonna be really good for resale.

[B]

He's really trying to fix it just to get his archery, but then they go to the garage, and the garage has this weird, like, extra long hallway thing on it, which makes no sense, but he's like, that's my archery range. I found it. I don't even need a basement. Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah. It's amazing how she must have had to hear about this archery range for so long that it doesn't even phase her anymore. Because I feel like in other House Hunter episodes, there'd be discussions about, do you really need the archery range? You know, and, like, it's never even questioned in this. It's just like, she doesn't say, oh, well, Ben and his archery. You know, she just is along for the ride. She's like, no, I understand. He needs his archery. It's very important to him.

[B]

When there's something that will take your husband out of your sight for hours at a time, you don't really, really care what it is. She's just like, it's in the basement. Fine. Go for it, buddy.

[C]

Yes. Seriously. So the thing is that there's carpet upstairs, so when they go to the second Floor, there's carpet. And she goes, she goes, it's just the main level. And. And I. It's not just the main level. I will not have. Or what? What did she say? Either way, she was unhappy with the carpeting.

[B]

Yeah, she hated the carpeting. She sees in other rooms, like, love the light in here. I see some shelves, I see a full length mirror. And Ben's like, well, overall, I see an unfinished backyard and all I see are dollar signs falling from the sky. But I love that archery range. And Kayla's like, if we can change literally every single thing about it, I will take this house. And John's like, listen, cheap fucks, okay, if you want, everything you want, you're gonna have to go a hell of a lot higher. So if you don't go higher, shut the fuck up. Up and don't call me again. So I suggest going. Going home, blowing whoever you have to blow. Call whatever ever parents you have to call into, threaten to not have grandchildren for them. Don't call me again. Poor. I can't with you.

[C]

I know. And she goes, I don't know. I've already given up living in Chicago, so I have so many things I don't want to budget, I don't want to budge on yet. You know, it's like, well, ma', am, I mean, you just have to accept that the life, the Emily in Paris life that you wanted to have is just far away. Because she also says when they were looking at the rooms upstairs, she goes, this doesn't feel very luxe at all. I'm like, you're in suburban Fort Collins, Colorado. What Miami mansion do you think you're moving into? You're not on Star Island.

[B]

Okay, so then they go to Severance, Colorado. That is the saddest damn name for a city I've ever heard. In my Severance, like, I'm in the. I'm in the town that was built right after I got fired. Like, what the hell?

[C]

Or the town that was named after Joan.

[B]

Or the town that was named after, like my missing leg. Like, what the.

[C]

So she is. Kayla is not happy with the severance. She's like, where are we? And you spend go. I mean, I think we might be in Kansas already. She's. Well, we're definitely not in Chicago. So then Linda chimes in. Ben and Caleb come to Fort Collins, Colorado area to find a house. And they have no time to waste. Which is funny because all they seem to be doing is wasting all of our time.

[B]

I'll tell you what was wasted Eyeliner. Because bad. That looks really bad. So then John's like, well, you know, there's a sage. It says you drive until you qualify. So if this was 10 miles west, they would pay 50 grand more. We're probably going to be in Siberia by the time they find something that they can afford.

[C]

Drive until you qualify. All right.

[B]

John is the best real estate agent of all time.

[C]

I know. So they finally are at a ranch house, and it's.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's. I wrote down squat, beige and sad. That's how it works.

[B]

It's so sad. Okay. It's this little tiny house, and it's between two really large two story houses who, like, obviously people bought this land, knocked the houses down, and built these huge houses. And it's so, like, it's one of those little tiny houses in between that. And there's, like, sheets over the windows as the curtains. I was like, oh, no. And I thought they were going to have a fit about this, this, but they didn't. I mean, you open the door, it's a scary, skinny hallway to start with, like a flying.

[C]

And I was like, oh, we're gonna hear about this. I mean, like, you literally, like, it's. You're right. It's like a skinny, skinny, skinny hallway. The walls have been painted over a million times. You can tell there's a room right off the. Where the door opens up into. And I'm like, oh, God, Kayla's gonna lose her mind. And she's like, like, pretty chill about it.

[B]

Yeah, she loves it. She's like, oh, my God. Isn't this great? There's a bedroom right off to the right. No, it's not great. You open the front door, it's a skinny creep. The walls look wet. I'm not even kidding. Like, the gloss looks like a wet hallway. And then there's no door or anything. It's just like this little creepy bedroom off to the right. Oh, no, not good. But she love it.

[C]

Yeah. And John gives a. John. Johnny gives a pitch. He goes, you know, there are certain things I know you're not gonna like, and that's okay because with $50,000. Because it's $50,000 on the budget, you have the room to do the things with it, to bring it up to your standards, which are very high, by the way. Okay? And he says that. He says, which are very high, by the way. He goes, not exactly what they want, but who gets exactly what they want? Okay? Someone had to marry me, okay? And that's just the way it Is.

[B]

And she goes, but this bathroom, I mean, the linoleum. What? And he goes, yeah, well, that's how it comes.

[C]

Comes.

[B]

And she tells us, listen, outfits matter. They matter at home, they matter at work, they matter at school, they matter in the guest shitter. Sometimes Ben doesn't even think about the details. I mean, these styles are terrible.

[C]

Yeah. And so then they head down to the basement and there's. Of course, the basement's huge. So Ben's got like an erection. And Kayla, he's like, how much bigger of a basement could you want? And she goes, goes, yeah. When I was younger, I used to dream about what kind of unfinished basement would be in my first home.

[B]

So then they check out the kitchen. And the kitchen is a nice size, but the countertops. Oh, the hardware. Oh, the cabinets. She hates everything, of course. And she goes, but I want a custom kitchen. That's it.

[C]

And Ben goes, well, it's too bad we can't change out the hardware. Right? Like, he's being sarcastic, even though he literally complained about the hardware in another house.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like, I mean, it's got a gas stove, so if we have to paint these cabinets black or neon green in two years, I mean, that stuff gets expensive. And she goes, yeah, well, my taste changes relatively quickly, but that's how you stay relevant and fresh.

[C]

That's why I'm here on hgtv, the cutting edge of trends in fashion.

[B]

That's why I will be. Be forever remembered as the girl in the weird matted down lambskin coat and cat eyeliner.

[C]

Part of staying relevant and fresh is moving to Severance, Colorado and making a splash.

[B]

Yeah, nothing says keeping it fresh like constantly being on severance, you know? So she's like, ew, I hate carpet. And Ben goes, why does carpet matter? Like, you didn't mind it in the other house that it was in the bedroom. And she goes, yeah, but in the other house, the bedroom was on the second floor. So if, like everything on the second floor has carpet, then that's okay, but now the bedroom's on the first floor, and so it can't have hardwood and carpet both on one floor.

[C]

And he's like, but what does it matter? I mean, if you have. If you have a two level house and you have wood down here and carpet up there, but you bring the main bedroom from there to here. Now it has to be different flooring should. She goes, yep. He goes, why? She goes, I would rather do an Ariat rug. So you take out the carpet, put hardwood down and then put a carpet on top. You know, she's like, I think I'm gonna divorce this guy.

[B]

But also, he's finally getting it, because, yeah, that's what you do.

[C]

That's exactly what you do.

[B]

So they go to the. They go, oh, well, first there's the countertops, and they're hideous. These aren't even trying. These are like Formica covered countertops. This whole house is disgusting. And I think John was just punking them by bringing them here. But then they go, John had an.

[C]

Errand to do in severance. He had to go pick up, like, some part for his car. Yeah, guys, let's go to look at his house.

[B]

Listen, you know how hard it is to find a running Suzuki Sidekick?

[C]

Well, I found one, so, yeah. So they like that. There's a deck outside that they like. And then Ben says, you know, oh, you know, this place has great bones. And has an amazing basement for the archery range, which, of course, is the most important part of this entire process.

[B]

And then the backyard is. All the houses are real stuck together, and you've got, like, four feet of backyard. And then, like, a tiny fence and see the other people's entire house and backyard in it, you know? Yeah, it's kind of like apartment, but a house kind of living. And so they kind of try and talk themselves into redoing this house. Like, could we do it? And John is like, well, you could go further out of the city. It gets more affordable. And Kayla's like, no, I'm an influencer. So now is the time to have the discussion on what they're gonna get at. Linda's like, well, these dummies are heading back to Chicago, but not before they make a decision on what house they want to mar. Kayla's embarrassing fashion desperation when. Let's check it out.

[C]

Not before they figure out which place to make a clothes in. I can't believe I had to read that word.

[B]

Where would the clothes work best? Aim high, kids.

[C]

So Kayla's like, let's talk about the White House, because I love the outside of it also. It had a hardwood throughout, the whole main level. And Ben's like, yeah, it had a great garage, but it didn't have a gas stove. And, yeah, I know. I just made a joke that you can that. Like, it's stupid to complain about hardware when you can just swap it out. But now it matters for me. And I don't. I don't. I don't like that there's no gas stove.

[B]

House number two. I love that it's like a two story, but that it's not white. And he's like, but the basement is small, but I could do archery in that garage hallway thing. And I like the countertops. And she's like, I just want, like, cosmetic updates everywhere.

[C]

And now house number three. So Ben's like, you know, we get to save $50,000.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But $50,000 is going right back into all the upgrades I want to do in the house. Slash cloth space. And he's like, but it already has a gas stove. Great. Well, we wouldn't have to replace place one stove, but we'd have to paint the cabinets, add hardware, add backsplash, and also create an entirely new zip code so we don't have to tell people that we live in Severance, Colorado.

[B]

Ding dong. And so Ben is in their new place unscrewing one of the hideous lights. He's like, this is one of many, many hideous lights that are going to be coming down at this house. But we went with the new build in the gas stove.

[C]

Kayla's like, yeah, we ended up paying $476,000 because it has a ton of space for all of his hobbies and some of my finishes. And by some, I mean one, and by one, I mean half of one. And by half, one, I mean none. None. I got nothing out of this. I moved out of Chicago and spent more money for his archery range.

[B]

Yeah. And my clothes is going into the south facing bedroom because the sun. Oh, my God. Listen, I've compromised with Ben, too. And we'll just be ripping out living room carpet for now.

[C]

Yeah. And then Ben's, of course. Like, there's so much room in that huge garage. My archery range is definitely gonna fit there. And I'm like, I was kind of upset, Ronnie, because I kind of felt like after all this, we deserve to see the archery range. I want to see the archery range in motion so I can finally see what this damn thing was that he was making such a huge priority for this house.

[B]

Yeah. But I did like that she was trying to keep her Chicago fake accent because she sounded so dumb on her last line. She goes, yeah, it was definitely hard to leave Chicago. The day we put in the offer. I shat a tear. And I was like, really? You phony baloney. You shattered tear. That's. Well, congratulations. That's the influence that you're leaving over house hunter sucker.

[C]

Yes. Enjoy your life off in the burbs. So thanks, everyone, for being here, for listening, and for signing up for Wonder plus to listen to this. So we'll be back with a whole new Dwell hello on the next Onery plus episode. And in the meantime, check us out on the regular feed with all our Bravo recaps. Thanks for listening, everyone. Bye bye.