Dwell Hello: Who's The Boss in Bali?

Summary

Watch What Crappens: "Dwell Hello: Who's The Boss in Bali?"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: May 4, 2023
Episode Recap & Summary

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Overview

In this episode of "Dwell Hello," Ben and Ronnie, the comedic duo behind Watch What Crappens, recap an episode of House Hunters International titled "Who's The Boss in Bali?" The hosts lovingly roast and analyze a New Orleans couple, Justin and Nikki, as they move their somewhat fraught relationship across the globe to Ubud, Bali, in search of a new home. Their journey, full of questionable life decisions, reveals dubious ambitions, culture clashes, and classic House Hunters absurdity—served up with Ben and Ronnie’s signature mix of sarcasm, pop culture references, and genuine affection for Bravo-style reality melodrama.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet Justin & Nikki

• Introduction & Background:

  • Justin, described as a "Barney Rubble type" (03:02), and Nikki, "his gangly girlfriend," are moving to Bali.
  • Ben notes: “I feel like it’s just another one of these tales of a guy whose dad put an idea into his head one time when he was a child, and now he’s just forcing that notion out onto some poor lady in his life.” (02:26)
  • Ronnie identifies a recurring reality TV motif: men with unresolved parental issues driving the plot. (02:46)

• Nikki’s Vibes:

  • Repeated observations that Nikki seems uncomfortable—about Bali, the show, and possibly Justin.
  • Ronnie: “She looked uncomfortable with…her family finding out this is the man that she is romantically attached to. She just didn’t seem to want to be there.” (04:08)
  • Nikki’s look: “Real tall lady…90s eyebrows…scarves, Rosie the Riveter vibe.” (03:35, 04:27)

• Life Situation:

  • Nikki is a long-time hairdresser; Justin claims to be a “mental health coordinator,” wishing not to work in Bali. (07:34)
  • “He wants to move to a different country across the globe and not work. Please, Nikki, just stay in New Orleans.” – Ben (08:29)

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2. Bali Dreams & Questionable Motives

• Justin's Bali aspirations are built more on childhood fantasy than reality (“...a place that we had to move just because of the feeling it gave us” 03:03 & 24:29).

• Nikki appears swept along by Justin’s plans (“If I have to move to fucking Bali for my eyebrows not to look as insane as they do in America, I’ll do it.” – Ronnie, 03:35)

• Red flag:

  • Justin explicitly doesn’t want to work (“I don’t want to work in Bali”), prompting disbelief from both hosts about how Nikki tolerates/supports this. (07:34–08:29)

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3. The Real Estate Guy: Jared

• Jared, the property expert, is described as “a property expert who looks like Peter McNichol…with a little more Isaac Mizrahi.” (09:44)
• Ben and Ronnie construct elaborate backstories for Jared, painting him as a Manhattanite fleeing from a scandal. (“He stole his dead aunt’s jewelry and moved to Indonesia” – Ben, 10:34)
• Jared’s perspective: He can’t stand them but seems lonely/happy to talk; “I get the impression he’s running from something.” (10:17, 10:49)

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4. House Tours - The Three Options

House 1: Modern Build in Ubud (17:15)

• Modern, 1-bedroom, “anthropologie” feel.
• Nikki loves the look. Justin thinks it’s “too modern”—wants “authentic Balinese.”
• Gecko net/“toilet” over the bed to prevent droppings: “Gecko toilet!” – Nikki (20:26)
• $700/month, no pool.
• Ben: “I don’t think you could get…with a private pool and this nice kitchen…I think this is a tremendous deal…for $950/month.” (38:00)

House 2: ‘Rustic’ Open-Air Jungle Home (27:56)

• $850/month. Two bedrooms, shared pool, no walls in living room (“You’re going to be sharing a pool…” 28:05)
• Nikki: “So there’s no walls?” “You get used to it.” – Jared
• Kitchen is a disaster (“...terrible. You know, there’s not equipment. What the fuck are you gonna do in there?” – Ronnie, 30:36)
• Both alarmed by the lack of comfort and privacy; Nikki especially worried about “bugs…snakes…monkeys” (40:33–41:22)

House 3: Modern With Private Pool (35:41)

• $950/month, 2 bedrooms, full kitchen, bright, modern yet with rustic touches.
• Ben: “It’s the sort of house where you say, I was gonna come to Bali and not work, but I decided to pick up a gig so I can actually live in this beautiful house.” (36:24)
• Justin: “The best thing, the price is fair. Also, this is too bright. Who says that?” (37:10)
• Nikki: “We can’t afford this. I mean, a fridge. Have you seen my boyfriend?” (37:50)

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5. Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• On Justin’s Haircuts:

  • "She does not give him a haircut. She has clippers. But no hair ever falls off of him…His haircut is fucking terrible.” – Ronnie (05:56)
  • “You see the lines where she changes the razor? It looks like a terrace garden.” – Ben (06:15)

• On Cultural Naivety:

  • “It’s literally a culture, you ding dong.” – Ronnie, on Americans marveling at “culturally oriented” places (12:01)
  • “People come here with a romantic notion first…Let’s see if they love this.” – Jared, via Ben (16:35)

• On Budget Expectations:

  • “Americans just being like, well…we can just offer up $2 a month and I think they’ll probably be happy to take that.” – Ben (16:11)

• On Relationship Dynamics:

  • “She probably feels bad because she knows she’s supporting him, but…you have one life…You don’t have to be walled in by this relationship, there’s an entire planet to go to to avoid this guy.” – Ben (42:30)
  • “You can break up with him. Just break up.” – Ronnie & Ben (42:29)

• Gecko Toilet:

  • “Gecko toilet! Gecko toilet!” – Nikki, mocking the net over the bed. (20:26)

• On House Choices:

  • “I thought that house was like the crazy house that they do to scare us people off into paying more money, but they chose it.” – Ben (43:03)

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6. Decision Time & Aftermath

• Quick rundown of the house choice discussion (39:31–43:03):
  • Each house’s flaws (gecko toilet, no walls, too modern/expensive) are rehashed.
  • Nikki ultimately “chooses” House 2, the open-air house, but a twist: Nikki is actually working in Bangkok, coming back only to visit—leaving Justin to enjoy the open air, jobless, in Bali.
  • Ronnie: “She literally just got with this guy and left him in Bali…I mean, she’s probably never even there.” (42:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Justin & Nikki’s Background and Dynamic

  • [02:26]–[05:14]

• Justin’s Haircut Fiasco

  • [05:56]–[07:09]

• Initial Bali Aspirations/Dreams

  • [08:29]–[09:10]

• Introduction of Jared, The Property Expert

  • [09:44]–[13:07]

• House 1 Tour

  • [17:15]–[22:35]

• House 2 Tour

  • [27:56]–[32:08]

• House 3 Tour

  • [35:41]–[39:04]

• The Decision & Relationship Reality Check

  • [39:31]–[43:03]

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Final Thoughts & Tone

Ben and Ronnie deliver their classic, loving-yet-cutting recaps, highlighting the absurdity of the House Hunters process—particularly when filtered through the clueless optimism (and escapism) of Americans abroad. Their impressions, observations, and invented backstories keep the episode light, sharp, and thoroughly entertaining for both Bravo fans and those just peeking in on the world’s weirdest house-hunting show.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

• Expect playful banter, relentless roasting of the show’s subjects, astute (and often hilarious) social commentary, and the kind of quotable running jokes Watch What Crappens fans love.
• The Bali adventure is less about real estate, more about incompatible dreams, American naïveté, and why some couples will always find a (gecko-poop-laden) roof—even if love leaves one of them in another country.

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“You don’t have to be walled in by this relationship, there’s an entire planet to go to to avoid this guy.”
—Ben Mandelker, 42:30

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Next episode in two weeks!

Transcript

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Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. Or watch our crap ends House Hunters recap show. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How's it going, Ronnie?

[B]

Good, baby. How you doing, Ben?

[A]

I am just fab, you know, just sitting here, ready to talk some more House Hunters with you. We got a fun episode today. This one is House Hunters International. Who's the boss in Bali? You can find that on YouTube TV by typing in that phrase, who's the boss? And Bali.

[B]

This one is not on YouTube TV. This one is actually Discovery Plus.

[A]

I'm so sorry. You know what? Who's the boss? Ronnie's the boss right now. Ronnie is the boss of the details that up.

[B]

Yeah. Because it's hard to find these sometimes. As we mentioned every episode. The easiest way is to just type that title in to Discovery plus and it'll pop right up for you. So this is about a Barney Rubble type and his gangly girlfriend, and they're from New Orleans and they're gonna change their lives.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they're gonna change their lives by moving to Bali, Indonesia. And, you know, I feel like it's just another one of these tales of a guy who is. His dad put an idea into his head one time when he was a child, and now he's just forcing that. That notion out onto some poor lady in his life.

[B]

We are starting to see a lot on this show. Like a common theme is guys with daddy and mommy issues. Like, I know that's probably a common theme in life, but really we see it featured on this show more than we do anything else.

[A]

Yeah, we really do.

[B]

We cover a lot of shows.

[A]

Yeah, we do.

[B]

So the narrator's like, well, moving to Bali is a dream come true for Justin. And Justin's like, for me, it's a place where we had to move just because of the feeling it gave us. That's the same reason I'm moving away from the tv. Justin.

[A]

I know. Barney Rebel. And then Linda says, now, if he can just get Nikki to go with the flow. And we just see Nikki. Nick, you just. Nikki doesn't even have to say anything. And we know that this poor woman has gone with the flow for too many years in this relationship. And she just looks like Nikki is.

[B]

Down with the flow. She does. She's just a real tall lady. She's got the 90s eyebrows that are real thin and very highly arched. And she's at that age where they just don't grow back anymore. I am a child of that era. And you. My eyebrows, I've been trying for years to get them back, and they just don't come back. And so she's just going with it. She's like, you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm Nikki. I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want. If I have to move to fucking Bali for my eyebrows not to look as insane as they do in America, I'll do it. I don't give a fuck.

[A]

Nikki looked so uncomfortable through this entire episode. She looked uncomfortable with the idea of being on House Hunters. She looked uncomfortable with the idea of living in Bali. She looked uncomfortable with, like, her family finding out that this is the man that she is romantically attached to. She just didn't seem to want to be there.

[B]

She didn't, but she also did in a way. Like, I could tell that she loved him. Like, she's a hairdresser chick. She's got, like, real short haircut, and then, like, a scarf in her head at all times. Like that lady Rosie the. With, like, the. She's kind of got that kind of vibe and the 90s eyebrows, and she. They have that kind of relationship where they're just giving each other shit all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But she ultimately loves him. But I also feel like she's that girl at the party or guy, really, who will just, like, get into the car with anybody. You know, if someone's like, hey, you want to ride home? She'll be like, yeah, sure, why not? You know something? Not like, you're drunk, you're falling down, or that Car only has three wheels on it. Or weren't you arrested for drunk driving last week? Like, she doesn't care. She'll just go and just see where it leads.

[A]

Judgment may be a challenge is what we're saying, you know, And. And I. I just. I think probably a lot of that's wrapped up in this. In this guy that she's chosen to be with. So we see them. We go to New Orleans, Louisiana, as opposed to New Orleans, Minnesota. And she is about to give him, this guy, her, a haircut. And he's like. He's like. He's like, yeah, come on, let's get this over with. She goes, you love me cutting your hair. I have to say now I. I really am on Team Nikki this whole episode. And I really. I really like Nikki. I want to support her. I'm already concerned from the beginning about this guy's haircut. It's not great. It's a little.

[B]

First of all, it's already done, okay? She does not give him a haircut. And I don't know if we're all idiots who watch this show or what, but she has clippers that. But no hair ever falls off of him. Nothing ever changes on his head. And there's no hair anywhere in the scene except on his head. Now, I will say we do get close ups of his head. His haircut is fucking terrible.

[A]

You see the lines with each. You see where she changes the razor? It's like. It looks like. It looks like a terrace garden, you know? Or like a terrace. Terrace farm.

[B]

Terrible. Mickey, are you going to Bali? Because you've been kicked out of every Fantastic Sam's in America. Like, have you run out of Fantastic Sams to get fired from? This shit is terrible.

[A]

Blend those. Those lines. So anyway, sorry.

[B]

They're doing that.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Snarky thing with each other where he's like, oh, want me. What I'm in for? And she's like, you know you love me cutting your hair. So we've been together now for. And he's like, forever, it feels like. And then she gives him a look like, really? You want a little riveter in your face? Say it again.

[A]

He's like, yeah. I would always ask my barber, hey, who's that lady with the long neck? She's gorgeous. She's probably like, thanks. I've been self conscious about that my entire life. Thanks for just broadcasting that onto tv.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Long neck Nikki is what they called me.

[B]

I always loved the tall neck. Huh. So I kept going in and saying, I think I have had some growth right here. Right here. Until I got the. Until I got the guts to talk to her. And she laughs, and she's like, yeah, I had my own salon in New Orleans for almost 10 years, and I don't think I realized how stressed out I was.

[A]

And Justin's like, yeah. And I work as a mental health coordinator and offered no services to Nikki, unfortunately. And it's, you know, it's stressful in some aspects, you know, And I don't. I don't want. I don't want to work in Bali. Like, wait, so he wants to move to Bali and just not work? Is that his plan?

[B]

You're a mental health coordinator. Are you trying to coordinate your own appointments? I do not believe for one second that this man is coordinating anyone else's mental health.

[A]

No. And if he is, then, yeah, we really need to. To prioritize putting some more funding into mental health in this country.

[B]

If you are, share the ical with yourself, sir. Okay. So he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm not going to work in Bali. Which I love a man with promise like that. I love that. See what I said? When Nikki will just get in the car, she's like, oh, yeah, there's my guy. Quit mental health, and now he's not going to do in Bali while I support him. Yeah, sounds fun.

[A]

Just, you know what? Red flags. I'm going to say a red flag. I'm seeing he wants to move to a different country across the globe and not work. Please, Nikki, just stay in. Stay in New Orleans. New Orleans is vibrant and lovely. You'll be very happy there.

[B]

So he's like, you know they got bugs in Indonesia, right? She's like, oh. So he tells us his backstory. His father and him would go scuba diving for years, and he told us all about Bali. Indonesia. Yeah. And so Nikki's like, yeah. So, like, we talked about it, but then suddenly we're going to visit. I mean, we'd. It. Yeah. I mean, it was outside. There was a lot of. Outside there.

[A]

There were monkeys. It was a resort town. It was, you know, it was a. It was a tourist destination. And, you know, emphasis on tourist destination, not a place to move. Destination. But I guess the one thing that. One thing that Justin didn't do with his mental health coordination is coordinate his daddy issues out of his self. So we're gonna move there. Yeah.

[B]

And he was like, would you ever think of moving away? And he's like, it was just a joke. She was, oh, really? It's All a joke. Okay, good. I just pretend cut it your hair for free, you dick.

[A]

You want to hear a joke? Your hair's the same length. So then now we meet their realtor guy who's like a property expert who looks sort of like Peter McNichol. You remember Peter McNichol? You know who that is?

[B]

Yes. I think he's got a little more Isaac Mizrahi myself.

[A]

I was gonna say that, too. He is sort of like a little bit of both. And he. This guy can't stand them. As most of the realtors, he can't stand them. But you also get the feeling like he's also desperate for social interaction. So he's, like, very happy to be talking to them, but he hates them at the same time.

[B]

I get the impression he's running from something. And I know we say that a lot on this show, especially the International, but don't you. There's something about him that's just like. I can see him at, like, cocktail parties in Manhattan, you know what I mean? Being like, oh, did you hear about the new. The new. What's the name?

[A]

He stole his dead aunt's jewelry. He stole his dead ends jewelry and moved to Indonesia.

[B]

Yeah. He's like, did you hear about the Camelot revival? I mean, trash. Am I right, Bill? What happened to sets? Like, he's that kind of guy. But then he had to run, and now he's, like, stuck in fucking Indonesia.

[A]

The rest of his family is doing six degrees of separation where they just talk around cocktail parties about a crime that was perpetuated on them. They're like, can you believe it, Jared? We always thought he was so nice, you know, he never had his stuff together. He never did. You know what? At the end of the day, he needed Aunt Ruth's jewelry more than we needed it. Okay? Wherever he is, we're happy for him.

[B]

I knew when he was 14 years old and he came home with that Dr. Frankenstein haircut. I mean, who. Who. What boy his age was trying to look like Madeline Kahn and young Frankenstein, you know what I'm saying? It just. It just never went up from there.

[A]

He never even went to Amherst. He told us he was going to Amherst. Okay? Four years. We thought he was at a small liberal arts college. Guess what? He was working at Blockbuster in eastern Pennsylvania all that time. Can you believe it?

[B]

So Jared's like, ubud is the best on the island. I mean, wow, what a place. And Justin goes, yeah, very artistic. Yeah.

[A]

He goes.

[B]

He goes.

[A]

Very cultural oriented. It's like thank you. It's just. It's just them. It's like such a.

[B]

Like a.

[A]

Like a. Like a person from America going someplace. Like, I love how culturally oriented this is. It's like. It's just the culture. It's there.

[B]

It's literally a culture. You ding dong. As everyone's on a scooter, right? There's like hundreds of scooters here and a scooter. And by the way, when you see in these countries what they're allowed to put on their scooters because America has all these. I drove a vestibule for years, or rode a Vespa, pardon me. And you're not allowed to carry shit. Okay? But I would still stack my laundry and every, like, three bags of laundry on the back with all these bungee cords. I did it from seeing videos of people over there. They'll put everything. They'll have, like, two or three babies on there with them. We saw a lady who passed by with, like, wooden. You know how when you're framing a house, you. You make the wood frames. She's carrying, like, all the wood frames for a house on the back of a scooter, and it passes them. And Justin goes, very artistic.

[A]

So. So now Jared is saying, like, you know what? This is like? It's like a. It's like a jungle city. You're basically living in the jungle here. So if I don't know, your Aunt Celeste is calling to say, hey, you have to give back those jewels. They can't reach you because you're living in a jungle, theoretical situation.

[B]

And Justin's like, it's such a cultural city. The people, the friendliness, the embrace they gave us. It pulled on my heart. The unexpectedness, the unknowing is kind of exciting. You don't want to work. Your ass is not going to work. Yes, you'll be excited to fudgeing, move anywhere. I cannot believe you found somebody to take your ass.

[A]

And I just always love when Americans do this. Like, oh, the people there were so kind. When I. Like, they all gave me hugs. They all smiled like they hated you. I guarantee everyone hated you. Don't act like. Like, it's like this super patronizing way that people talk about going to other countries. Like, look at these simpletons from a different country. They just enjoyed us so much when we showed up.

[B]

They're service people, you idiots. It's like the people at the hotel, they're like, can I take your bags? Like, oh, my God, they are so kind. In Mexico.

[A]

They are so sweet.

[B]

So they're in the car now, driving around, and Nikki's like, I mean, we never. I never really planned on moving away from New Orleans. And Justin's like, yeah, I mean, it was hard to even get her to visit. She goes, yeah, I'm concerned about moving away from our family. Like, no one here has eyebrows like mine either. And, like, finding work, it's not going to be a. A Vicky. It's not going to be a vacation, you know? Like, what am I going to do? Like, I plan on doing something having to do with hair, because that's what I've done my whole life. So.

[A]

Yeah. Justin's like, yeah, well, there's a. There's a lot more than just, like, what you're used to. Nikki like, oh, okay, so she should just change everything she's enjoys doing because you want to fulfill your daddy's dreams. So they. The three of them sit in a cafe, and Jared's like, okay, so you guys just decided to spontaneously move here and see what happens when you arrive, Right? So let me reframe that. You guys are idiots. Okay, Right. We agree. You guys are both idiots. Right?

[B]

And so what do you want? What kind of house do you guys have in mind? And Nikki says, well, I'd love, like, modern style, closer to civilization, kind of. You're in a jungle, Nikki. You don't get to go. You don't get to go to the jungle and complain to the jungle that it's a jungle now. Right? Okay?

[A]

And Justin's like, that's the exact opposite of what I want. Like, I want an authentic Balinese home with, like, a lush garden and trees all around me. I was like, yeah, it's just like this.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

By the way, they're all authentic Balinese homes because they're all homes in Bali.

[B]

Yes. And she's like, I don't want to have bugs in my house. So Jared's like, well, you can't come here and avoid the nature, guys. It's part of the package, okay? And Justin's like, yeah, modern or not. And also, I pay more for a pool because I enjoy swimming. Oh, so you're not going to be working and you're demanding a pool and a girlfriend.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. And she's like, I don't really care about a pool. I mean, if we have to pay more, we're not gonna get a pool. And so her budget is 700amonth. And Jared is.

[B]

LOL, by the way.

[A]

L ol you too, again? Americans just being like, well, it's a different country from ours. So we can just offer up $2 a month and I think they'll probably be happy to take that. So Jared goes, hum. Well, it's possible to find something for 700. It depends on whether it meets your standard. How do you feel about walls in your house? Okay, just thinking about an idea I.

[B]

Have for later because I notice that people come here with a romantic notion first. They just love the nature, don't they? Well, let's see if they love this. And he just goes over.

[A]

He just goes like a pothole.

[B]

And then he like his face is so happy. He's like, ha ha ha. And Justin goes, yeah, the road's here. Real exceptional guy.

[A]

Yeah. Jared is trying to do everything to scare them out. Yeah. So it goes. So those the one, the houses that they want, they're actually really hard to live in. They're not as comfortable as some of the more modern settings. Again, walls. See, it's a thing that people take for granted. But I think they're gonna be in first surprise in this episode.

[B]

So House 1, the modern build and ubud. So he's like, okay, so here we have a quiet, peaceful nature feel, but you're also close to town. You're about 10 minutes from town. And she's like, wait a minute, that's far. And he goes, yeah, I mean, well, it's far enough away to believe I might be Isaac Mizrahi if you squint. And she's like, so I'm not walking.

[A]

It's like. And she's like. She's basically like, why do we have to live all the way out here 10 minutes from town? She's like, there's jungle everywhere. We don't need to have it in our backyard. We can be pretty close to it in other places. So they go into this very small house. Like it's a one bedroom, but it's. It kind of feels like a studio even though it's not. It has no pool. 700amonth. And it's sort of like a. It's a sort of bright white kind of space that they keep on trying to say like, this is so modern. I mean it's modern in the sense that it doesn't look like it was built in the 19th century, but this is not like.

[B]

It's like Balinese farmhouse modern, you know what I mean? Because it's really cute. It looks like the inside of a. What's that store at the Grove? That's real girly.

[A]

Anthropology.

[B]

Yeah, it looks like an anthropology Set, you know, like, it's really pretty. The floors are. The floorboards are painted white. Furniture is really pretty. The countertops are white. And there's like a big kind of a grand bed for the. I mean, I think it's a beautiful space.

[A]

It's cute.

[B]

His problem with it is that looks like it's from a magazine. And I love that people complain about. I love that, like, you want to spend $700 a month. He shows you something from the pages of Glamour, and you're like, ew.

[A]

And also, where does he get his notions of. Of the Balinese house that he wants to live in? From magazines, from media. Like, everything comes from there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So.

[B]

And he goes, well, this is too modern for me because the one thing I like is the dinner bell, because she knows when I get hungry, she needs to have the food prepared. And she goes, oh, yeah. I think that one more fucking time I'm gonna shove it so far up your ass, it's gonna ding. Every time I punch you in the.

[A]

Throat, you fuck, by the way. And also, like, when he's like, this is just, like, way too modern. And we see a wide shot, there's like a shelving unit. There's like a nice sink and everything else just sort of like, standard. It's a chair, it's a sofa and everything. And he's acting like everything is concrete surfaces and stainless steel, you know, fixtures everywhere. Like he's in some cold Scandinavian fortress.

[B]

Like, sir, he's acting like it's a shelf. He's acting like someone from Pioneer Town, you know, seeing an escalator for the first time.

[A]

Sir, it's a shelving unit.

[B]

It's a shelf. So he's like, yeah, it's like from a magazine. And Nikki likes it, of course, because it's pretty.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so he's like, oh, my God, this is such a modern bed, though. I like that. And it has a ship sail above it. And Jared's like, oh, actually, that's a net. And that catches the geckos that are above the bed so they don't fall on your head while you're sleeping. And they're like, ew. And Nikki goes, gecko toilet. Gecko toilet.

[A]

Yeah, I think it was to protect them from the geckos pooping on them, but probably also just anything. Anything gecko related, falling on their faces in the middle of the night. Which then I was like, wait, why don't all the other houses have gecko toilets on them? Because not a great. I mean, like, you know, for Someone for Nikki who doesn't want to be around bugs. I think the. The prospect of gecko poop on her face is. That's pretty tough.

[B]

I don't want to hear her getting picky when she's with that guy. I'm sorry.

[A]

She's already. You don't get married to gecko poop.

[B]

Yeah, they shouldn't even show you anything. You married this guy or. They're not married, are they? You know, I don't know what their situation is. They should say, here's. Give me your 700. You get what you take. You get what we give you. Okay.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

That's what you're willing to take.

[A]

I. I hope people who have not watched this really appreciate that. When. When Ronnie said this guy was like a Barney rebel, I mean, it's about as literal as can be. Like, he literally looks like Barney Rubble. Just put him in the little brown, you know, like, fur thing with a tie, and it's Barney Rebel. So Justin, he's like, yeah, I'm a huge fan of gecko poop. He goes, well, I do like that rice field view from the bedroom. And Nikki's like, yeah, a gecko just pooped in my hair. And also, when a gecko poops in your hair, I have to cut that hair. So my sisters have to go into gecko poop. So can we go back to America now?

[B]

Yeah. She's like, not happy about the gecko poop. So. By the way, they're all sweating through their clothes. Okay, that's another thing.

[A]

That's. It's.

[B]

It's not even light. It's extremely heavy. Sweating through their clothes and their jacket. It's like, what are you doing? I get it. I get that. That's the place. But you guys want to move to Bali and you're complaining about the gecko poop. How has not one person said, I'm fucking hot?

[A]

I know. Tits are sweating, and there's that too. And so then they're sort of, like, summarizing their feelings. And Nikki's like, well, I like the white colors. I like that it's modern. Not too happy about the gecko poop.

[B]

Don't love gecko poo.

[A]

Put that on the Zillow listing.

[B]

So then, Justin, we get some more Justin story. He's like, I used to go catch alligators at home, so I'm cool with geckos. Yeah, same thing. Exactly.

[A]

Exactly the same thing. The alligators are not above your head while you're sleeping, you idiot.

[B]

And he goes, yeah. And actually, we talked about sacrificing. So I don't get it. Your girlfriend, what are you going to sacrifice? Sacrifice to the alligator gecko that you're willing to live with.

[A]

And then, like, finally, some bug is like, don't worry, don't worry, Nikki, I got your back. Let me handle this. And the bug just gets like, right up into Justin's face. He's talking about, like, he's like, you know, another con is there's no pool. And then when the buckets in his face, he starts like, doing like a bewitch thing with his nose. He's like, yeah.

[B]

Freaking his face out. And then Jared tells us. He's like, I think that Justin has a dominating personality, but I feel that Nikki's gonna be the one that has to be. Ultimately, you think, like, why don't you just say so? Nikki is the only person in this relationship with a job, and she's the only person who's ever going to work again. I need to try and please Nikki.

[A]

No, no one is trying to please Nikki. That's the thing. Because Justin is like, he's just like a human piece of cheese. And he's sitting there, he complains about the bug. He goes, he touched my iris. So Jared is just staring at them like, you people are deranged. I mean, I have a crazy family. I robbed my family, and you people are deranged.

[B]

So they go to the ubud market, and Nick's like, hey, you want to get that slingshot or you want to get the guitar? And he's like, I'm gonna get this outfit. She goes, oh, yeah, I could actually see you in that. And it's a pair of like red silk pajamas with, like bright flowers on it. And that is probably him right now with a little. With a little bongo drum somewhere in the jungle, living his best life.

[A]

Yep. And he says, you know, for me, Bali is a place that we. We had to move to just because of the feeling it gave us. It's like, oh, that's. That's great. What is the feeling you get from not having a job and supporting yourself in Bali right now? Because I'd like you to consider that feeling too.

[B]

And then Nikki tells us their most romantic story. She's like, when I met him, he played for. He paid for everything with cash. He didn't have a bank and he had a flip phone. Meanwhile, this is three years ago, you guys. Okay? This is not like 20 year old show.

[A]

And he goes, yeah. I mean, can you really trust the Banks. I mean, I think he's joking, but I also feel like he was sort of true, not joking. So Nikki goes, well, we're both growing. I'm teaching him about society, and he just learned how to use a napkin. So we're really proud of that. And, yeah, we're growing.

[B]

He's like, thanks to her, I'm learning to read now, so thanks for that. So she's like, yeah, well, what I'm really concerned about is getting work here. Like, you know, like, I'm looking around the market. I don't really see people walking around with hairstyles that I do. You know, literally no one has a hairstyle, okay? They just pan around the people to market, and it's just ladies with their hair in a bun or their. Their hair pulled back or something. She's like, oh, my God, how am I going to style?

[A]

I didn't see too many buzz cuts that had lines going up the side of the scalp, so just don't have her style. So Justin's like, I'm looking forward to not working. It's like. She's like, great. So love that. Love that pressure you're putting on Nikki. And he goes, everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to work out. Listen, I'm a straight white male. Things just work for me. Don't worry about it, babe.

[B]

So then they're in the car, driving around, and she's like, I thought Nola had bad traffic. This is insane. Insane. But it's all scooters zooming in and out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then Jared is like, just. By the way, Jared is a property expert.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Is that what they're always called?

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. In different countries, like, maybe in different countries they're not called realtors. Maybe. Because I feel like the process of buying land and houses in different countries is different. So maybe they don't refer to them as realtors. I'm not sure.

[B]

I feel like Justin demanded this from producers. I think Justin's like, I'll do it, but I need a hairstylist, not as a customer for myself. And I need to be titled property expert on the screen. Promise me.

[A]

Yeah. Meanwhile, like, Jared, all he does is sit in cafes and, like, read newspapers and, like, sell dinosaur embryos.

[B]

So now we go to house number two, and Jared's like, why do you keep saying you need a pool? Do you swim at home? And he goes, yeah. And it's like, no, you don't. You don't. You don't have A pool. And he goes, hey, how many baths have I taken over the years?

[A]

Okay, this guy. I'm going to need a mental health coordinator by the end of this episode.

[B]

So, I mean, your girlfriend can count the number of baths. That's a really sad for. Just Nikki, just go. Nikki, just go. I'm begging you.

[A]

So Jared, at this point now, Jared, just fucking with him. He's like. He's like, look. Yes, he tells us. I don't think we discussed open air living with them when I met them. So I'm going to show them something that has that. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna make some judgment about whether or not they're gonna accept that. I mean, they probably won't, because why would anyone. But let's just see how this goes. So.

[B]

So yeah, this is an outdoor home, and it's in the jungle, so it's green. And Nikki goes, wow, lot of green.

[A]

Yes. Lots of greenery. And this place is $850 a month. So she starts to freak out, and Jared goes, okay, don't be such party poopers here, because you're going to be sharing a pool in. And so they've got this. A nice pool, community pool. And Justin. Justin, who's not working proudly, then goes, for $850, I would expect a pool in my yard. I'm like, how about for $850, you would get, like, a doormat? What are you talking about? You get a whole pool in your yard for. For 150 extra dollars a month.

[B]

I know. He goes, but this terrace is nice.

[A]

And.

[B]

Jared's like, this is not the terrace. This is actually your living room. Vicki goes, huh? So Jared's trying to make us pay 850 to live outside. That's what he's telling us. She goes, so there's no walls? And he's like, no, guys, this is a mood. And this is very standard, okay? I've been telling you this over and over again.

[A]

Please prepare to get emotionally raw because all the walls are down. So Justin goes, I like it. No walls. Cool. And then he's like, huh? She's going, huh? She goes, you're crazy. I feel like I have so many questions, like, what happens when it rains? Like, yeah, what do I do?

[B]

And he's like, you get used to. He goes, oh, that's why there's bamboo curtains there. And Nick's like, yeah, but what about the cleaning? Doesn't it get dirty? And he's like, you have to get used to taking care of a tropical home, dummy. Okay, this is the rustic feel Justin asked for, so stop your bitching. And Justin's, like I said, modernly rustic. The fuck you idiots. Okay? Learn the language, okay. Or just point at things that you like so we can understand what the fuck you want.

[A]

Nikki's like, I don't see modern at all in here. Also don't see walls. You know what really helps me feel like I'm in a modern home? Just some classic standard walls, you know, so our belongings can be contained.

[B]

So then they go into the kitchen and it's not good. This is probably the worst part. I think the kitchen is really terrible.

[A]

Just, you know, the wall thing. It's unorthodox for us, you know, based on, you know, we're here in. In this country, we are used to having walls, but I can see adapting to that. The kitchen, yeah, that's a challenge.

[B]

The kitchen, yeah, the kitchen's really bad. Just cause there's nothing in there. It's terrible. You know, there's not equipment. What the fuck are you gonna do in there? Yeah, it is bad. And so as they walk in there, Jared's like, watch your head, Nikki. And Justin goes, yeah, I'll watch mine too. And he goes, oh, no, you're okay, little man. Okay, come on in.

[A]

Jared's like, oh, that felt so good to get out. I just. I needed to get a passive aggressive comment out very quickly.

[B]

I love that Jared, like, openly hates them.

[A]

Hates that.

[B]

And so, by the way, it's very bright in here. There's no walls in the house. And they go, it's dark. It's so dark in here. Do you two want. Okay, you. You don't want walls now? There's too many walls. Your mind?

[A]

And Nikki's like, it's a bit dingy in here, don't you think? And he's like, I don't know. He's like, yeah, it's a little cluttered. I was like, you guys don't have walls. It's not cluttered. So they go upstairs. There's two bedrooms. It looked like one of the bedrooms did have an air conditioning unit, which I was very happy for. And n, like, you know, the room I'm not certain about, like the bamboo, the dark wood, the cracks.

[B]

Because there's, like, visible. It's not even nailed down to the wood.

[A]

There's like gaps between the roof and the.

[B]

Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of Gecko living outside. How many times does he have to explain to you people you're living outside?

[A]

Okay, but there was no gecko poop toilet. I noticed. So they're also. Not only are they living outside, but they're gonna get gecko poop on their face.

[B]

Yeah, they're gonna be getting facial in there. But then the other best, the other bedroom, the primary is big. It's nice. It has kind of a floor on the bed in a good way, you know, like a platform bed. And it's actually really pretty, I think. And then there's a balcony that oversee the whole jungle and the city in the distance. And she's like, oh, well, this is stunning because the jungle is down there.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, it was. It was a beautiful view. And. And Justin's like, I'm surprised she likes one thing about a house that I like, don't need to hear. Justin.

[B]

Yeah, shut up, Justin. So she's like, but I said seven, you said eight, and this is 8:50, so what the fuck, man? And he goes, however, you do get two bedrooms. And Justin's like, we don't get a pool. And he goes, well, the pool is possible. Let's see what we can do.

[A]

So monkeys.

[B]

We see monkeys in a waterfall. Love both of those things.

[A]

Yeah, I was worried. Is this house number three just monkeys in a waterfall? Like, you'll be living behind a waterfall and these are going to be your neighbors. Some monkeys.

[B]

But this is your pool, this waterfall.

[A]

Yeah, there is this. It's a. It's a waterfall. There's water.

[B]

And.

[A]

And Nikki is, like looking at this pool of water apprehensively. She's doing what I would do, which is like, are there parasites in there? Are there critters? What's gonna bite my toe? Is there like a Komodo dragon in there? How will this pool of water kill me?

[B]

He's like, this girl, she's got a page written down for everything in her life from like, when she wakes up to when she goes to bed. I don't do that because I got a ledger up here, so that's aligning like all the. A ledger for all that. Nothing you're gonna be doing.

[A]

You're. You're waking up for not work. Yeah.

[B]

Your goals are literally do nothing.

[A]

I love when people like this say, oh, this person. They're always planning as if that's like a bad thing. Like, wow, someone is anticipating something for the future.

[B]

Yeah. So that's like their little cute scene. And they're hugging like she's all over him in the water, like she loves him. And I just wrote, God, there really is a pot for every lid in this world, it's, you know, like, the Tupperware lid may not fit, but you still use the damn Tupperware. You just, like, put some plastic wrap with the rubber band around it, you know, and you just make it work. And that's Nikki, okay? She's a Tupperware with a lid that doesn't.

[A]

She's like a universal lid. And I don't mean that in, like, a slutty way. I mean that, like, she made. She. She.

[B]

She.

[A]

Basically, what you said. So. So, yeah, Jared's like, like, oh, God, these two. Am I right, everyone? I get the feeling that Nikki is the one with a stronger sentiment of, like, what she's gonna find here. Whereas Justin may be, like, more flexible but sort of boorish at the same time. And I'm pretty sure that this next house combines both of their wishes. For her, a house that has walls and a roof that connects to the walls. And for him, some obnoxious childhood dream of living in the jungle that his father fostered in him. So I think we could do it.

[B]

So he's like, so, what do you guys like to eat? And Justin goes, seafood. I'm on the eat what I see diet.

[A]

I somehow missed that, and I feel really good about that.

[B]

I missed that you're moving to Bali with the guy who uses the seafood joke. Come on, man.

[A]

I know.

[B]

So he's like, they're gonna like this, but it's gonna cost them. So they walk in, and right in the front yard, there's a pool. A pretty pool.

[A]

A pretty pool. And the house so far, like, nice yard, nice pool, has two bedrooms. But here's the Twist. It costs 950amonth. So Nikki's like, oh, my God.

[B]

9:50?

[A]

That's crazy. So, by the way, Ronnie, I'm watching this. I'm thinking, okay, come on. Actors. I know. Like, oh, yeah. Acting like, this is too expensive. Like, this is clearly the house they're gonna pick. Like, this is gonna be the one. We know they'll scrounge up the money.

[B]

I did, too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because this one's, like, way.

[A]

It's like. It's, like, beyond a doubt. This is the best. This is the. This is the sort of house where you say, I was gonna come to Bali and not work, but I decided to pick up a gig so I can actually live in this beautiful house.

[B]

I decided to work one day a week so I could live in a beautiful home. Yeah, Lazy.

[A]

Seriously.

[B]

Jared's like, guys, you can't have two bedrooms in a pool in a Central location for 700. Okay. And then Nikki goes, you don't tell me what I can and can have. I was like, oh, yes, there's the Mickey I've been waiting to see.

[A]

And most importantly, she goes, I hate you both. So. So they go inside. And it is. It's nice. I mean, it's modern. Ish, right? It's pretty modern. I thought it was more modern than the first one. It's got tiles, nice colors, just for, like an open concept. There's a nice dining room table, but there's like rustic elements. That way Justin can sort of of feel like he is living in nature, you know?

[B]

And Justin goes, oh, yeah. The best thing, the price is fair. Also, this is too bright. Who says that? When they go, I've never heard anybody say this house is too bright. I mean, literally, people pay so much money to get windows put in their homes to make their house as bright as possible. Sir. Never heard that. What?

[A]

You realize you're just going to have more lights on and spend electricity. You'll have a higher utility bill. It's called get a mask. Get a little nighttime mask.

[B]

So especially it's sold with the beautiful kitchen because it's new cabinets, granite countertops, a stove, an oven. A full size fridge is the first place with the full fridge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's like, you guys don't understand. A full size fridge here is a luxury. And Nikki's like, we can't afford this. I mean, a fridge. Have you seen my boyfriend?

[A]

I mean, I don't think you could get like, with a. With a private pool and this nice kitchen, I don't think you could get this for 950 in the States. Okay? And so, like, I think this is a tremendous deal for two people's incomes, okay? Not to count other people's money, but honestly, for two people's incomes, they can cover the 950amonth. I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Except that he's not going to get a job.

[B]

Then he's like, oh, but let's go look at the pool, because I'll swim every day. It's starting now. Promise. And she don't do it. And he jumps in, of course, for this clothes on because he's wacky. And the real estate guy, it cuts to the real estate guy. And he's like, I don't think I'd want to put up with Justin on a daily basis. I gotta hand it to Nikki for putting up.

[A]

Yeah. My hat's off to Nikki. Wow. Wow. That. They're terrible. I was really looking Forward to some new English speaking friends, but just never going to hang out with them here ever.

[B]

My hat's off to Nikki, but at the same time, I want to put that hat on Nikki because that hair's got to go too. I mean, this couple's a mess. They're a mess.

[A]

So Nikki's like, you're crazy and you're crazy and obviously we all need to talk about this, okay? And Justin's like, this is all just a little too modern for me. And so. And Nikki thinks it's too expensive. So Justin says it like, he's always compromising and he never gets what he wants, but this time he will. How is he compromising? He's the one who wanted to move to Bali. That is literally the definition of getting what you want. Yeah.

[B]

So they sit down to do the decision making and he's like. Nikki's like, oh, my God, I can't believe we're living here. And he's like, we're not living here till we get a house. So they talk about him. The house number one is the one out of a magazine. And they both just go at the same time. Gecko toilet. House number two has no walls, but it's rustic. And Justin's like, I love that.

[A]

Love, Rusty, love rustic, no walls. And then house number three. Perfect on paper, perfect in person, slightly more money. So obviously the worst choice of all.

[B]

Yes, exactly. So then they talk it over and they're like, number three, the. It was the most. It was the closest to what we wanted between modern and rustic, but it's too modern. And she's like, is that the only thing you didn't like? And he's like, yeah, because it had a pool.

[A]

So you're thinking, okay, so I'll choose house number three.

[B]

Good.

[A]

They figured it out. But then, then she starts saying about house. She starts talking about house number two. I'm like, why is this discussion still going? And she's like, I'm just concerned about the bugs in house number two. I would normally say I get worried that the bugs can get into the house, but it's more like we get into the bug's house because there's no walls. So I'm a little worried about that.

[B]

You are. That's the thing about that. That's. And that's what I was thinking. It's like you're living in the jungle. They were there first, you know, and if I was living there, I would not be thinking about the bugs. I'd be thinking about the snakes. Yeah, okay. Aren't there a lot of snakes in jungles? Because every animal. Well, monkeys I love, but. Yeah, you.

[A]

You better take my fur.

[B]

Lock up your food and.

[A]

Yeah, and I feel like they'd take my furniture. I feel like monkeys would take my little chair and they just bring it up to a tree.

[B]

They'd come, take your Nintendo Switch.

[A]

Yeah. Good luck playing Nintendo with monkeys around.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah, they choose house number two. Now I realized why. Because I feel like Nikki has enough self respect to go for house number three. But then we find out Nikki was never planning on being there. Nikki got a job training salons all over. She got a job in Bangkok where they sent her around to salons and she trains them in different styles. Nino, you know, the eyebrow. The eyebrow craze took off in Bangkok after this. People were like, we want. I want a big frowny face as an eyebrow. Can you do that?

[A]

Let me tell you something. These two are not going to make it, okay? She is. She is literally going to a whole separate country for her job. She's going across a sea to get to her job. Okay? And then she comes back and visits her wall less house once in a while to see how Barney rebels doing.

[B]

She pays the rent and then she gets the out of there. I mean, she's probably. She's probably never even there. She literally just got with this guy and left him in Bali. I was like, you can break up with him.

[A]

Just break up.

[B]

Just break up with him.

[A]

Just do it. Just. She probably feels bad because she knows that she's supporting him, but she's like, well, you have one life. Sort of like what Sally Field says in those Boniva commercials. You have just this one life and this one body and a whole world to travel. And just made me realize that, you know, just how our house doesn't have walls. I don't have to be walled in by this relationship. There's an entire planet to go to to avoid this guy. So that's what I'm gonna do.

[B]

Exactly. There's a much bigger market out there than the bars, you know, get out there, girl. You go, Nikki. Wow.

[A]

I can't believe they chose that house. I thought that house was like the. The crazy house that they do to scare us people off into paying more money, but they chose it.

[B]

They got it. Wow. Well, everybody, that brings us to the end of Dwell. Hello. Thanks so much for joining us. We will be back in two weeks with a fresh episode. Thanks for being part of Wondry Plus. We love you.

[A]

Bye, everyone.

[B]

Bye. Well, hello.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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