217: Doug Stanhope

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Might Be Drunk – Episode 217: Doug Stanhope

Podcast Information:

• Title: We Might Be Drunk
• Host/Authors: Sam Morril and Mark Normand
• Episode: 217: Doug Stanhope
• Release Date: February 3, 2025
• Produced by: Gotham Production Studios, LLC

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Introduction

In Episode 217 of We Might Be Drunk, hosts Sam Morril and Mark Normand welcome renowned comedian Doug Stanhope to discuss his illustrious career, personal anecdotes, and insights into the comedy world. The conversation spans various topics, including Doug's early days in stand-up, interactions with fellow comedians, touring experiences, and his perspectives on modern comedy trends.

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1. Opening Banter and Setting the Tone

The episode kicks off with light-hearted banter as Mark compliments Doug's attire:

• Mark Normand [00:06]: "Dude, I love that you rock the suits and everything."

Doug responds playfully, setting a relaxed and humorous tone for the episode.

---

2. Comedy Writing and Overrated Shows

Sam and Mark delve into discussions about comedy writing and perceptions of certain comedians:

• Sam Morril [00:38]: "Nikki Glazer. Overrated."
• Doug Stanhope [00:40]: Questions if Sam and Mark wrote for Nikki, clarifying their involvement was in roasts rather than specific shows.

Doug shares his disdain for self-congratulatory award shows:

• Doug Stanhope [01:07]: "That's the only time I'm... I've ever been tempted to watch a. A awards show. Yeah, there's just so, like, self-congratulatory."

---

3. Touring Tales and Club Experiences

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Doug's touring experiences and interactions in various clubs:

• Doug Stanhope [03:12]: Reflects on skipping shows with sober guests, emphasizing the discomfort it brings when the podcast's theme clashes with guest sobriety.

Doug recounts legendary stories from his early touring days, including an infamous incident in Appleton, Wisconsin:

• Doug Stanhope [04:04]: "So, yeah, she wrote this scathing thing. We had done a benefit show for a friend of ours who is graphically obese and to pay for his stomach stapling or whatever. Lap band."

He details his confrontation with Natasha Leggero at a photo shoot, highlighting the challenges comedians face with management and expectations:

• Doug Stanhope [05:43]: "I didn't know we were gonna be, but some woman complained that you were drunk..."

---

4. Interactions with Mitch Hedberg

The hosts reminisce about Mitch Hedberg, sharing fond memories and Doug's experiences co-headlining with him:

• Mark Normand [22:26]: "Did he... did you co headline with Hedberg?"
• Doug Stanhope [22:26]: Confirms co-headlining and describes Hedberg's unique comedic style.

Doug shares insights into Hedberg's rise and his humorous yet critical take on the comedian's management:

• Doug Stanhope [24:42]: "That's when Hedberg was just starting to peak and he was selling a lot of tickets, but he was not a negotiator."

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5. Navigating Comedy Scenes in Different Cities

The discussion shifts to the viability of comedy scenes across various cities, with Doug expressing his struggles in places like Miami:

• Doug Stanhope [17:32]: "No, no, no. What? It lays on that. Like the pad. Like it's always on a pad. Like it's like..."

He compares the support and reception in different locales, emphasizing the importance of a supportive audience:

• Doug Stanhope [20:35]: "Yeah, that was right before he fucking died."

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6. The Impact of Modern Algorithms on Comedy

Mark and Sam explore how social media algorithms affect comedy, with Doug providing his perspective:

• Mark Normand [112:00]: "And I think. I think it started actually with COVID and people going back out and not knowing how to act anymore."
• Doug Stanhope [113:03]: Criticizes algorithms for their inability to cater to nuanced comedy, leading to broader, less engaged audiences.

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7. Personal Life and Comedic Inspirations

Doug opens up about his personal life, including his travels to Ukraine and interactions with other comedians:

• Doug Stanhope [102:14]: Shares his experience volunteering in Ukraine, integrating comedy into war-torn environments.

He also touches on his past relationships and how they've influenced his comedic material:

• Doug Stanhope [110:00]: "Because that's how much money I have to get back to your point is where I'll just keep doing what I'm doing..."

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8. Reflections on Aging and Comedy Evolution

The hosts discuss the evolution of comedy as they age, with Doug reflecting on his growth and maintaining relevance:

• Doug Stanhope [30:58]: Acknowledges how personal experiences, such as aging and family, influence his humor and performance style.

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9. Closing Remarks and Future Projects

As the episode wraps up, Sam and Mark encourage listeners to check out Doug's latest projects, including his new special and upcoming tours:

• Sam Morril [123:06]: Encourages listeners, "Go see Doug. He's the man. I'm sure you got a, a new hour because that was a beauty. Go see Doug."

Doug hints at future endeavors, including potential collaborations and tours, maintaining his signature blend of humor and candidness.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Mark Normand [00:06]: "Dude, I love that you rock the suits and everything."
2. Doug Stanhope [01:07]: "That's the only time I'm... I've ever been tempted to watch a. A awards show. Yeah, there's just so, like, self-congratulatory."
3. Sam Morril [17:32]: "No, no, no. What? It lays on that. Like the pad. Like it's always on a pad..."
4. Mark Normand [112:00]: "And I think it started actually with COVID and people going back out and not knowing how to act anymore."
5. Doug Stanhope [113:03]: "I just ping pong the first time and fell over."

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Conclusion

Episode 217 of We Might Be Drunk offers an unfiltered glimpse into Doug Stanhope's comedic journey, enriched by candid stories, reflections on the state of modern comedy, and the enduring camaraderie among stand-up veterans. Through humorous exchanges and insightful commentary, listeners gain a deeper understanding of the challenges and triumphs that shape a comedian's life.

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Recommendations for Non-listeners

For those unfamiliar with We Might Be Drunk, this episode serves as an excellent introduction to the dynamic interplay between hosts and guests, showcasing genuine humor intertwined with meaningful discussions about the craft of comedy. Whether you're a comedy enthusiast or simply seeking an engaging conversation, this episode with Doug Stanhope is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Mark Normand]

Dude, I love that you rock the suits and everything. It's.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Are we on?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we're on, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, we are on. Oh, I didn't know that.

[Doug Stanhope]

I hate when you waste good. Yeah. You go, all right, we're gonna start.

[Mark Normand]

And that's why we just do it this way.

[Doug Stanhope]

I always. I. I usually start and go, okay. Walk in the room. Tell me all the. That we can't say on the air.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, let's hear it.

[Doug Stanhope]

So and so special. Talk a few people.

[Mark Normand]

That's the podcast, though.

[Doug Stanhope]

This is.

[Mark Normand]

That's the one you want to hear.

[Sam Morril]

Nikki Glazer. Overrated.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I didn't have. Oh, you did. You guys write for that?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. But she killed it.

[Sam Morril]

That was a lot.

[Doug Stanhope]

Did you write for a roast or something?

[Mark Normand]

We did a roast on Netflix.

[Doug Stanhope]

Did a roast.

[Mark Normand]

Shows you how. How well that did.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, exactly.

[Doug Stanhope]

I remember you were talking about it, and I couldn't tell if you're talking about writing for Nikki or for a roast.

[Mark Normand]

No, she. She was.

[Sam Morril]

You did have about 78 writers. You see that photo? I know it's a lot of writers, but she killed it, so it worked out.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's the only time I'm. I've ever been tempted to watch a. A awards show. Yeah, there's just so, like, self congratulatory. Just the they exist. Bothers me. I remember they got so good on that Tom Brady thing.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

No, she's.

[Sam Morril]

I think she got a boobs done call in, but.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I love that a woman finally crushes an award show and we're like, look at those tits.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, first of all, who else has their tits out in that photograph?

[Sam Morril]

Her and Mike Lawrence.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, no, she did great. And how the hell are. What are you doing in this?

[Doug Stanhope]

Like, do you know Pat McAfee?

[Sam Morril]

Sure.

[Doug Stanhope]

He used to always wear, like, tank tops and you're like, who wants to see your arms? I feel the same way about women. Like, anchor women that wearing, like, what? Sleeveless fucking. Put some fucking cover up your arms.

[Mark Normand]

The sleeveless shirt on, dude, is aggressive as fuck.

[Sam Morril]

I don't like it.

[Mark Normand]

It's not my favorite.

[Sam Morril]

You see the armpit hair and that weird floppy skin right there? Not great.

[Mark Normand]

First mark, you want to grab it?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I. Yeah, cheap shit.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's the cheap shit. But I traveled with it, which means I had to check a bag. But I bought these sleeves that you get at duty free.

[Sam Morril]

I'm gonna go hot toddy.

[Mark Normand]

All right, fuck it. I'll have a Sip of this. Yeah, I wanna. Can we do a hot toddy for.

[Sam Morril]

Me, but keep going.

[Mark Normand]

You want a hot toddy as well?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

So let's do three hot toddies.

[Doug Stanhope]

Dude. I remember the first episode of this show I watched. I forget who the guest was, but all three are drinking fucking LaCroix.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm like, really? Did they go sober? Drunk is in the title, but it just took you a minute.

[Mark Normand]

Y called we might be drunk.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, all right.

[Mark Normand]

We might be.

[Sam Morril]

And you know, some we shoot at like 10 and 30 in the morning.

[Mark Normand]

And some of them, sometimes the guest's sober, so we feel weird getting hammered.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, I've skipped a few of those. Like, there's. There's sober people that don't remind you that you're a drunk.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

That are great. Like fucking tell or Norton. I fucking love Norton.

[Sam Morril]

Love Norton.

[Doug Stanhope]

But there's others where you go, that guy's such a not drinker.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't want to sit through.

[Mark Normand]

Are there legendary drinking stories of you that I've been to clubs, and they're like, doug Stanhope, fucking, he did some shit here. And I'm like, I gotta. Like, Appleton is one I heard. Appleton, Wisconsin.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, geez. Those stories go way back.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I heard one that fucking killed me. And I don't know if it's true, but the story was you were hammered on stage. You're still killing, but you're hammered.

[Doug Stanhope]

And turn off your phones before you go on a podcast. I didn't know we were gonna be.

[Mark Normand]

Going, but some woman complained that you were drunk, and you just walked over, you overheard her, and you were like, they made us the club.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, no, I wrote it. That's actually in one of my book books. He forwarded me the email. The Cliff, the manager at the time.

[Sam Morril]

Is that the Asian thing?

[Doug Stanhope]

And you know what it's called the ringtone? It's called comic.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, comic.

[Doug Stanhope]

Whatever.

[Sam Morril]

There we go. Comic Sans.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

All right, so what happened in Apple?

[Doug Stanhope]

So, yeah, she wrote this scathing thing. We had done a benefit show for a friend of ours who is graphically obese and to pay for his stomach stapling or whatever. Lap band. Yeah, me and Sean Rouse and Andy Andres and Sean Rouse.

[Mark Normand]

R.I.P. funny, funny, dude.

[Sam Morril]

So funny.

[Doug Stanhope]

God, so good. So, yeah, she said, I went to that show and you think this. They were making fun of the tsunami and 9 11, and none of this is appropriate. And I wrote. So he forwarded me. So I had her email and I wrote her a long email. I'm so glad you have our back on this. I guess what you don't understand is when we play clubs, the management provides us with a script. We have to follow that. We voiced our concerns to management as well, because we are the ones that have to take the fall for this. At the end of the day, it's a very long, just very professional written email, and she's like, oh, my God, I can't believe this is true.

[Sam Morril]

She bought it. Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

Would you grab in my backpack? There's a book in the main compartment I just brought to set on this stack.

[Mark Normand]

What do we get?

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, put it on top of. Fucking Natasha Leggero. Yeah. She hates me so badly.

[Sam Morril]

Why?

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't. I went to a party, which I never do. I went to Sarah Silverman's legendary annual party, and I, like. I met her twice. I knew, like, two things about her and met her once, and I just brought things up that evidently, you know, I didn't know that was a fucking rough thing, like. And she ran into Brendan Walsh, who I'm good friends with the next day, and just talked shit about me. Whoa. That fucking asshole. That stupid guy with the fucking suit. He was a drunken asshole.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I just told Appleton all over again.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And then so this year, I was gonna go back to it. I ended up not going, but she ran into Brendan Walsh and said, I hope that fucking asshole isn't gonna be there again.

[Sam Morril]

I've never heard that side of her. Wow. What'd you make fun of her for dating Bobby Lee?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I didn't know that.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

I could have brought that up.

[Sam Morril]

I like Bobby Lee.

[Mark Normand]

A clipper just came up on my feed, and it was her at some roast. But she goes. She had a line that killed me where she goes, man, the room is buzzing tonight. And that's not just the flies from Aziz's relatives.

[Sam Morril]

Wow, that's great.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, he's there. He's laughing. I'm like, that's a great fucking roast joke.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, I did. I did not dislike her at all. The one story I had, we had to do a photo shoot for, I don't know, GQ or fucking one of those Maxim. It was a comedy issue, and they featured, like, 20 comics, and we had to do a photo shoot, which I loathe. I can't stand my just having cameras.

[Mark Normand]

Older Rubber chicken.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I'm like, all right, let's just. Any. Just get it over with. I only have one look. I'm not an action guy. I don't have poses. Just take the pictures. But it's five of us, so. And she's like, let's do one. It's in the Comedy Store. Let's do one over in the cloakroom. Let's do one in the. She just kept belaboring this, not knowing how much I hate it. And I. That was the story that I told her. So evidently. Well, just how much. I guess I was focused on how much I hate a photo shoot. And she took it as personal. You love a photo shoot. You fucking.

[Sam Morril]

Because she's really cool and nice and funny. That's shocking that she seems like she'd be right up your anal.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Bummer.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oops.

[Mark Normand]

Well, Natasha, come in. We got it right here.

[Doug Stanhope]

My point about the that duty free wrapper for this shitty bottle of wine is I brought that because I gotta get a bottle of bodega cat to take home, put on my podcast and have it sit the camera.

[Mark Normand]

It'd be honored.

[Sam Morril]

It'd be an honor.

[Mark Normand]

I heard a story about you. Nick Schwartzen told me that you went I don't know if this during COVID but you were like this close to reaching your miles on Delta or something. And you just flew around the world.

[Doug Stanhope]

The crazy flights. Yeah, I did those even after I didn't really need the miles. I fucking love flying.

[Sam Morril]

It is nice.

[Doug Stanhope]

The two I did the same route twice was Tucson. This is where I fly out of to Atlanta without leaving an airport. Tucson, Atlanta, Johannesburg.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

To Amsterdam, back to Detroit, Las Vegas, Salt Lake.

[Sam Morril]

Holy.

[Doug Stanhope]

77 hours total. 57 in the air.

[Sam Morril]

You're like a terrorist. Crazy. Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

The second time I did it, I go all right. That's was funny the first time.

[Mark Normand]

Were you with your wife?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, no. And coach.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

We just hammered the whole time.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Xanax and I like very little memory of the entire other than back then you could. All of those airports you could smoke in. Still. Still smoking in Atlanta. Still smoking. They smoking lounge in Johannesburg, Amsterdam and Vegas.

[Mark Normand]

And this was to. To reach a certain mile to hit diamond status.

[Sam Morril]

That's amazing what that cost you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Was only 2200 bucks. What?

[Sam Morril]

For all that?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's crazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. It was like a hack. And you could just kind of beg us with passport.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, they don't even do miles anymore. Now it's all dollars. Now you just have to spend the money now you have to look for the shortest flight that costs the most to get. But I'm.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's amazing now, man.

[Sam Morril]

That's like what DeSantis did to the migrants. Like you got to go here, you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Got to go there.

[Sam Morril]

But you did it on your own volition. That's hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

Migrants don't get points either. That's toug.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Migrants got miles. They'd be. They'd be living.

[Mark Normand]

Is there status for migrants? They're like, I'm Diamond. I get to board the bus first.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. They're not spending money, so. Yeah, you don't get the. You don't get the perks. Are you guys, like, loyal to anyone?

[Mark Normand]

I know at this point? I'm not, but, like, Delta is the one I. If I choose, because, yeah, I just. I can fly with them the most, so I try to hit that number with Delta.

[Sam Morril]

I did the road, so I'm pretty high on all of them. But Delta.

[Doug Stanhope]

Diamond, can I. Yeah, I just. Can I undress, please? Just ran in and.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I'm gonna do this because you don't have the Joe Derosa seat. He wants to, like. It's awkward to talk.

[Sam Morril]

If you want a seat over there, we can get you one.

[Doug Stanhope]

The early Rogan podcast where he did it at his house. And it's just a couch and one camera and you're like, trying to talk to each other like this.

[Sam Morril]

I listened to a few of those once. I was bored on a flight and I was like, let me go as far back on these Rogans as I can. And it was one with Bill Burr. It's gotta be. They're. They're talking like little handheld things like this, and they're on a couc. They must have said 7,000 times because it was like 2004 or whatever. It was like 2001. So it was a different time. It was crazy to hear. And it was a great effort.

[Doug Stanhope]

I never had a hot toddy. What?

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

Good winter drink.

[Sam Morril]

The hyman.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you're living in Arizona. You don't need a hot toddy. New York winters, man. It's like seven. It's like it says, feels like seven out there.

[Sam Morril]

I know it's 23.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's pretty good.

[Sam Morril]

Pedophile. Feels like seven if.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. I feel like Gloria Gaynor trying to get her voice ready to do a show at the state fair now that she's 79.

[Sam Morril]

Is she? I will survive.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

This is a whiskey drink. I feel like a lady now drinking this. It's like a cool drink.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I'm like, ah, it's cinnamon sticks and a lemon.

[Mark Normand]

That's not how I order it.

[Doug Stanhope]

You know, even like an old fashioned sounds cool and Mad Men era, but It's. It's got a muddled orange in it. Your gal take a sip and go, that's nice. I'll have one of those.

[Mark Normand]

What's your go to drink?

[Doug Stanhope]

My go to is vodka soda, splash of grapefruit or crayon.

[Sam Morril]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good drink.

[Doug Stanhope]

Fresh squeezed grapefruit. Yeah, you can't beat that. But I try to change up, especially if I'm drinking out. I want something I can't make at home, Right?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, good.

[Doug Stanhope]

I can't even make a Bloody Mary. I'm like, really? Well, not a good one. I'll drink V8 and vodka. Feels healthy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, right?

[Doug Stanhope]

And it is. I mean healthy.

[Mark Normand]

If you have one, then you have. You have like four. You're like, alcohol's not even the problem. This much sodium in a fucking.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

You know, I've heard you guys say that. It's not that bad. The sodium level is not really that as bad as you think.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

I remember drinking tomato juice as a kid where my dad would put salt in it. Yes, Salt and a little bit of lemon.

[Sam Morril]

My dad did tomato juice and in the big tin can. Then he hit it with the two holes on the top and the bottom. Remember that? That's how you would pour it.

[Mark Normand]

How about Clamato? That's kind of good too, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Enchiladas.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. But if you make a Bloody Mary at home, you're kind of a psycho. That means you have Bloody Mary, vodka, a celery stick, Worcestershire, Worcester.

[Doug Stanhope]

Remember, you guys are showing a guy Fieri. Don't pronounce it like he does Fieri. But you're drinking the Bloody Marys with the fucking lobster in it. Do you remember that?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. Good times.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. I don't. I'm not putting bacon and.

[Sam Morril]

Exactly those little onions.

[Mark Normand]

But if you're in, like, Madison and they have all those bars and they bring you one, they will do crazy shit. I'm not gonna turn it back.

[Sam Morril]

It's kind of fun, you know, It's a meal.

[Doug Stanhope]

There was a bar in Madison that used to do porn and eggs on Sunday morning where they'd show like old 70s porn on the TV. The kind of. With plot.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

More plot than fucking. And they have that and a breakfast buffet with giant Bloody Marys.

[Sam Morril]

Heaven on earth.

[Doug Stanhope]

I never made it because we would just get so fucked up on Saturday night that no one's getting up.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

But I've tried to recreate it at my house.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Just. I've found some like. Like flapper girl, fucking 30s porn. Yeah, that they've made compilations of, you know, the girls dances like softcore, so you can invite your neighbor. A lot of pasties and an occasional nipple. It's not like. But we did that for about three or four hours till everyone's kind of sauced with mimosas into Bailey's and Irish coffee and into Bloody Mary's and into sneak in some fucking hardcore tranny porn. Yeah, People have all stopped watching the tv. Oh, there you go.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that. Side by side.

[Sam Morril]

Perfect. In Rhode island they have legs and eggs.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's why I have to face this way.

[Sam Morril]

There you go. Yeah. Legs and Eggs was a breakfast buffet at the strip club at Rhode Island. I can't remember what it's called. Foxy Ladies. That's what it was called.

[Mark Normand]

I think Providence has the most strip.

[Doug Stanhope]

Clubs per capita in the fucking town you play. Guy that picks you up at the airport tells you it's got the most churches and strip clubs per capita. If that tells you anything about Houston, Jacksonville.

[Sam Morril]

Every town, Portland, they have some.

[Doug Stanhope]

And yeah, there it is. It's always verifiable.

[Mark Normand]

You're like Bethlehem.

[Sam Morril]

There it is. Legs and eggs. Yeah, look at that. 7:00am who is making that?

[Doug Stanhope]

You couldn't do porn and eggs at a strip club because everyone's gonna turn away from the stripper.

[Sam Morril]

That's true.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you gotta.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's kind of like you can't do comedy at a strip club.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right.

[Mark Normand]

All those stories at Leno used to do that.

[Sam Morril]

That's true.

[Mark Normand]

You used to do it too.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

It was a. Teasers was the name of the place. And they have amateur night. It worked out because you just emcee for the amateur night. It was just a contest and it's just professional strippers from other clubs. They come, try to be ringers and win 50 bucks. But you'd go up in between them and you know, with them, but they still didn't even like that 30 seconds of intro. Get to the fucking broadcast.

[Sam Morril]

It's a. Who's got a sadder life, Comics or strippers? You think in the early years, it's a toss up. At least they're making more money.

[Mark Normand]

Long comics got longevity.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's true.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, that's true.

[Sam Morril]

But they're making.

[Mark Normand]

They did a soprano and.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, at least in my early days there was camaraderie. Like you got along like it's us against them early days of comedy. You started. I started in Vegas, which is the worst place to ever fucking start. But you don't Know that. Except for New Orleans.

[Sam Morril]

New Orleans is pretty bad.

[Doug Stanhope]

Which has never had a comedy club that opening successful.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Which it's the only. Including Green Bay, Appleton, the only city that had a professional sports team that couldn't have a full time comedy club. There's no other city that has sports that doesn't have comedy other than New Orleans.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's a good point. So Miami sucks too, by the way. I would throw that in.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, I played there once.

[Sam Morril]

Once. You.

[Doug Stanhope]

I got fucking booed off stage almost every night. Like. Like people throwing things at me like empty cigarette packs. And I was. I was following Chris Porter.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, he's a killer.

[Doug Stanhope]

20 some years ago.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

So 2000. Because I was. I was dating a comic which. Oh, we'll talk.

[Sam Morril]

Judy Gold.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, no. No one famous and she's quit.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, great.

[Mark Normand]

Lucky you.

[Doug Stanhope]

But so. So Chris Porter just had. It was very urban, it was very ethnic Miami. Like probably maybe 70% Cuban, 20% black. And then people who are not going to have my back. The 10% are mute.

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And he just had every fucking reference to every fucking hip hop song. And he just. He was built for that room. And he fucking destroyed.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I would get up and like, I was. That was where I was prime. Maybe it might have been after 9, 11. Because that was when I was really peaking on anti authority. The government and like all this. They don't want to. Yeah. Gloria Estefan. And it was like I just. After the first night, I assumed I'm getting fired and I'm going, hey, it's. And they're like, why, why would you leave? Like, could you see what the. They were throwing empty packs of cigarettes at me and just like not even like angry heckling like that. Roll your eyes.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like dismissive. Like, gee, get the fuck.

[Mark Normand]

I'd rather the anger than the, you know, just the not caring.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. When we were working that roasted out in some of those black rooms. They were like. They were looking at us like we were corny. And I'm like, oh, just tell us we suck.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

You know?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. The disinterest is worse when they're just turning away and talking to their friend.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Yeah. Of fucking checking their phone.

[Sam Morril]

A tell won't. Oh, sorry, go ahead. A tell won't even do Miami. Like that's how bad Miami is. He's like the funniest guy on the planet. He's like, I'm not going there.

[Doug Stanhope]

No. I wouldn't even.

[Mark Normand]

Like, you're an airport comic, by the way.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, he says. And I say that about him.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he loves you. I told him you were coming on today and he was like, Doug will never come through New York City. I bet he's staying in an airport hotel.

[Doug Stanhope]

I would if they had a decent one. But yeah, it's. I mean here it doesn't matter. But on the road, do you. Would you prefer to stay next to the club or next to the airport on a one nighter?

[Mark Normand]

It depends.

[Sam Morril]

It's a good question.

[Mark Normand]

It depends on the city.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

If there's a cool downtown hotel, it may.

[Doug Stanhope]

It also depends on what time you're leaving.

[Sam Morril]

Yes, you got a 7am flight give me by the airport. But if it's a fun town where I want to hit the. Hit the city a little bit, I'll stay by the club.

[Mark Normand]

You were saying about coming up like, you know, having each other's back. Didn't you co headline with Hedberg?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, yeah, we co middled.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, that's an insane show.

[Doug Stanhope]

Co headline like when it was like really shitty clubs, basically one nighter. So you wouldn't even. It's hard to call it headliner, but.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's so cool though, man. That's like such a amazing show to see.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, of course. Did people get him immediately or was it a while?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, the first time I saw him was at a club called Knuckleheads in the Mall of America, Minneapolis. And Lewis Johnson was the headliner. I was the middle act and Hedberg was opening and Louis had seen him and he goes, man, you gotta watch this guy. This guy is fuckin'and. The first night he did pretty good. But the rest of the week he's just fucking'cause he has no MC skills. He doesn't come out and say, are there any birthdays like folks used during the day? He's following. Da da da da da da da. Y'all ready for this? Da da da. And there's a laser light show for a club of 350. Even though there's 18 people in it, they still have the volume up like it's a sold out Saturday. Come on, you can do better than that. No, they're doing their best.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, right.

[Doug Stanhope]

They're not even sat in the same areas.

[Sam Morril]

Oh yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Knuckleheads does not seem like the proper venue for Mitch Hedberg.

[Doug Stanhope]

He was new, but it was still as Hedberg. Not quite as polished, but yeah, still you saw everything that you're gonna love in the future. So it was great to watch him like morph very quickly. Yeah, great.

[Sam Morril]

I love that there's some. Some nerd put up a bunch of sets from Giggles in Seattle, which is no longer there, but it's like early Bill Burr's name.

[Doug Stanhope]

I think he's dead.

[Sam Morril]

I can't remember his name, but I know everybody hated that guy Giggles. Yeah. It was like, bill, Burt, Geraldo, Young tosh, young you. And it's so cool to see because, I don't know, it must be like 1999 or something. And everyone is just there for the love of the game. No one's getting clips. No one's filming every show. And it's just trying to kill and getting heckled and getting drunk. And you can tell Geraldo goes up. He's like, I'm so fucking hungover. And the crowd's like, geez, look at this fucking idiot. And like, this, no one has any. Like, oh, these guys are all brilliant. These guys gonna be famous and rich. It's just loser broke comics going up for the. For the love of it. And it's a beautiful thing because now it's all about marketing and clips and views and all this shit. So this is what you were doing. You were just out there at a mall getting drunk, trying new zingers.

[Doug Stanhope]

That was right before he fucking died. Well, you can look at him pale.

[Mark Normand]

Were you. Were you worried?

[Doug Stanhope]

That was two weeks before he died. Because we did ended up. I got booked with him to open for him at a college show in Maryland, and. Which I like.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

By now people know I'm not college material.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Does not happen. So I assumed he asked for me. Me. Because when you. You. You know, you guys both headline, you stop seeing each other. Yes, it sucks.

[Sam Morril]

That's why we do this.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I assumed he had asked me to do it. And then when the. The kid that booked it, who probably got fired immediately for having me on the stage, we're driving back to the hotel, and I. I go. I told Mitch, I said, hey, thanks for setting this up, because college gigs pay.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

A ton of money. And I needed it back then. And they said, I. I don't know. And the. The kid driver said, no, you guys are my two favorite comedians. Whoa. I did this. I'm like, oh, all right.

[Sam Morril]

Hey.

[Doug Stanhope]

We went back and we did. We did. That's got to be the green room. But we went back, and we're doing 2005.

[Sam Morril]

Wow. So he had done a few Lettermans at this point.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, he was. He was killing it now.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, the. The Terry Taylor, I think is his name.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. That was it.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's when Hedberg was just starting to peak and he was selling a lot of tickets, but he was not a negotiator. And that guy from Giggles would, like, sell all these, like, VIP things and overcharge people, like, everything. That if he ran it past Hedberg, Hedberg would go, no fucking way.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

You can't overcharge people and still pay Hedberg a flat rate.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right.

[Doug Stanhope]

And just bilk off his success.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's horrible. God damn. Yeah. Hedberg would be on Howard Stern. Like, he was really about to be a household name.

[Mark Normand]

And his late night sets were just killer. Like, the beauty was seeing crowds get that, like, on Letterman where you're like, oh, wow, he's connecting with this unique. Like, my mom once heard Hedberg, and she was like, this is like, brilliant.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

She, like, she had to pull the car over, she was laughing so hard. Wow. I remember William Stevenson, RIP William, like, you know, hosted the Cellar all the time. And he said the first time he heard Hedberg, he's just like listening in the hallway laughing. And he thought he was black.

[Sam Morril]

Just from the. Yes.

[Mark Normand]

He went in, he was like, holy shit, that's a white guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

When I first heard Hannibal, I'm like, oh, Hedberg just stole from Black Pete.

[Sam Morril]

My mom loves those applause breaks.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's one of my favorite drunk pastimes. If I ever get to drink with comics or doing a tell or Hedberg. And you just sit around the table and everyone's fucking throwing out their favorite fucking one liners.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And Hedberg was kind of a household name if you were into standup.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Doug Stanhope]

You were definitely back then, before it really kicked off. Before social media really kicked off.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. Back when getting on Letterman would change your life.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Did he. I mean, were you seeing. When you're doing a gig like that, did he kill that gig or were you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, yeah. And he would. He would entertain people who would throw out jokes, like towards the end of the show, like, do the thing. And he would. He was. All right, I'll do the koala bear bit, man. You guys are very. You guys are very demanding of my time for you.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Doug Stanhope]

He really enjoyed doing it. And he enjoyed fucking drugs, too. He loved heroin comedy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. He's afraid of both of them.

[Doug Stanhope]

It was very good. He's an enthusiast, I think.

[Sam Morril]

I remember Cap City, which I think is like a revamped version, is back now. I don't know. Yeah, but they said bad time to. I know.

[Doug Stanhope]

Try to compete in the marketplace in Austin. I Know, but they have a barn for a room. Oh, God, I hated that room. Some of the best times. But just the height of the ceiling.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. It was a warehouse. And he was right by that bingo hall, right by the overpass. That was like, outside of Austin, you know? But I remember going there and they were like, every comic gets two drinks. And I was like, what? Two drinks? And they were like, well, Doug, so apparently you fucked that up.

[Mark Normand]

There was a. Every club had, like, side splitters. I was like, two drinks. They'd be like, Vic Henley. I'm like, oh, there's always.

[Sam Morril]

Yes, there's someone drinking too much. That's true.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. The trash. The condo guy.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

I went on Bill Burr's podcast once, which I felt awful doing because I. I would listen to Bill Burr on the road back then for a while, until I started getting mannerisms. And I gotta stop listening to this. And ladies. And I'm like, stop. It's in my head. But I did his podcast and I apologized up front because I like, I. I hate it when you have a guest. I just want to hear you, Bill. So I apologize to your listeners for being here because I fucking hate me for being on your show. But he was telling me that I was like the John Fox guy. Like the guy that fucking sticks his dick in the mayonnaise jar at the condo. I'm like, I'm that guy now. Because before it used to be. Who's that? Ollie Joe Prater.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, wow. I haven't heard that name in years.

[Mark Normand]

John Fox was like the Party Road guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And I worked with John Fox once and made the mistake of confusing an Ollie Joe Prater legendary story as him. And he's like, that's not me.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Fox was the most absolute fuck up. Just awful. Like, repeating his joke several times in a set because he's so fucked up.

[Sam Morril]

But he was funny.

[Doug Stanhope]

Ollie Joe had the. The one I confused was where his nose started to bleed during the show from too much cocaine.

[Sam Morril]

This guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Holy shit.

[Doug Stanhope]

And it's pouring down his face. But he doesn't realize. And the audience is aghast. And at some point, it's all on his shirt. He goes, oh, what? Nobody parties anymore?

[Sam Morril]

That's great.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Morril]

Wow. This guy looks like right out of Hee Haw.

[Doug Stanhope]

You only go around once in life. So I'm going around drunk.

[Sam Morril]

Little Ron White in there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

No, wait. Pull up John Fox just. Just to get a look at this guy. Because this guy was the psycho party comedian. The women.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Party is the Wrong word.

[Sam Morril]

But he's funny as hell. Look at this guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

He did the same act for 40 years or something.

[Sam Morril]

Well, the act was Archibald Barisol.

[Mark Normand]

Impressive about you, Doug, is that you. Like, you did this shit, but you kept churning out new hours.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. You're functioning.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, no, I'm not like that. I'm not really a drug guy. I mean, I've had my drug moments. Here's the problem is a lot of your best stories come from nights on drugs. So when you have too many drug stories in your act, they think that you're fucking boof and drank in the morning. No, I learned that from you guys.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's true. Like, Jim Jeffries has that great quote. No great story ever started with, so I had a salad.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And then I got home.

[Sam Morril]

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, True.

[Doug Stanhope]

So, yeah, I. Yeah, I'm a fucking go to bed early guy.

[Sam Morril]

Well, day drinking will get you.

[Doug Stanhope]

I love it. It's a good day drinking town. I hate New York City, but especially just the three blocks walking here. I came in with a good attitude. Like, I try to get out of my comfort zone and stuff. I fucking went to Ukraine because you guys were talking about that. About when you. Comfort is so addicting.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

And, like, you get a nice house now and you got the fucking wife. And do you really have a kid on the way?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. Brutal.

[Doug Stanhope]

That'll get you uncomfortable at least.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, exactly.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I fucking lost my train of thought.

[Mark Normand]

No, just like, the comfort, how that takes you out of.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And I have to force myself to, like, if I could just go to bed right now.

[Sam Morril]

Why would I. Yeah, it's hard. And comedy's all at night. It's late and shit, and you want to go to bed. Well, Nick DePaulo's got that great quote where he said his friend was at his house, he pushed a button, a TV came out of the wall, his couch reclined, and he goes, that's why I'm not funny.

[Doug Stanhope]

Exactly.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta also, like, have some fun, too. But. Yeah, I know what you mean. Like, you're so uncomfortable on the road for years that the second you have a nice little thing. But then I do. I agree. I do feel myself slipping now that my life is easier.

[Doug Stanhope]

But that's. Yeah. The three blocks walking here, I immediately fucking hated everything so much. I came in with a good attitude. I got in late. I was. At midnight. I got in the hotel, there was not traffic to worry about. There were no personal space issues and just walked three blocks. And a fucking cop. I go was 39th this way or that way? And he's just pointed what I thought was the wrong direction when I got. I'm like, oh, oh, no, I'm sorry. I misread the fucking sign. And I'm already yelling at people in my head.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm like, oh, great. I could do this whole show with pet peeves.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, bring them on. I got a few as well.

[Mark Normand]

I think that's actually good, though, is like, you get comfortable here and then you go outside and you get instantly irritated. Yeah, it keeps me thinking of jokes at least. Yes, that's why seven degrees and you're angry and people are bumping you and you're like, all right, it's. It's turning again.

[Sam Morril]

There's a rat, there's a hobo, there's a syringe. That's why LA comics suck.

[Doug Stanhope]

Louisiana's on fire.

[Sam Morril]

And you know that'll wake him up.

[Doug Stanhope]

You're. You're complaining. It's seven degrees here, nice and warm there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah. It is crazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

Air on fire racing out of the Palisades.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Is gone.

[Doug Stanhope]

I have not seen any of the footage. I just heard about this Annie Letterman who said to say hi, and I go, I'll wait till we're on the air. Andy Letterman called. She left a message like one in the morning, and I'm like, maybe she's like, help save us. We're on fire. Maybe she wants to come stay at. Stay in Arizona. Cuz she.

[Sam Morril]

Holy good Lord, heed the warning.

[Doug Stanhope]

Stayed behind.

[Mark Normand]

This is way too common voice for what's happening.

[Sam Morril]

This poor dog. Get him out of there. Holy moly. Oh, this is what gays see when they die. Party's over, homos.

[Doug Stanhope]

My hot Tony. See if it's still hot.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I have a friend from LA who said, like, New York's unsafe. A guy got lit on fire there on the subway. I'm like, that's your whole fucking city right now.

[Sam Morril]

That's a great point. That's a great point.

[Mark Normand]

Like, LA is natural. You buy a home in la, there's like nine different types of insurance you have to buy, right? There's like flooding, mudslide, mudslide. It's a lot of fucking insurance.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. At least the city is trying to kill us. That's God trying to kill us, you know?

[Mark Normand]

I'm glad this one's not coming out for a couple weeks, though. Hopefully. Hopefully things work out.

[Sam Morril]

Give it some time. Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's fucking bad. It's real bad out there.

[Sam Morril]

I know it feels like the world is ending. Like the lady getting lit on fire, the shootings, the. The run over in New Orleans, this shit. It's just a lot of stuff.

[Doug Stanhope]

Support the troops.

[Mark Normand]

You do you have one of my favorite lines ever in a thing where you say when I do comedy, it's like, I'm taking you into battle. You're not all gonna be here at the end. That's one of my favorite lines in a comedy record ever. I don't know if that's on. On Deadbeat here. Yeah, fucking great.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, it's fucking 20 years ago that. But that was the. Where I do I support the troops on an individual basis. Was the premise of a bit great that I like. I wish I knew how to do clips where I could just cut that bit out of that special and hashtag it it with New Orleans and whatever.

[Mark Normand]

The other someone listening message Doug and do his fucking.

[Sam Morril]

Intern. And NYU will do that for 10 minutes.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's. I. I get to a place where I go. I just was writing notes this morning and I'm. I'm going. I think I already did this as a bit. But now it's like, whatever story.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Where I'm going, this should be funny. And I'm like, I already did that about something similar anyway. I find myself stealing from myself.

[Mark Normand]

Well, yeah. Once you've had a few hours, you're just like, how much shit is in here?

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, I totally get that. I think the first time I talked to you is when Shane was staying with you during COVID How did that happen? I mean, that cracked me up. The Shane just like fucking fled to Bisbee.

[Doug Stanhope]

We were drunk. Was that when we were drunk dialing the most famous people on our phone?

[Mark Normand]

That definitely wasn't me.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, he pulled out a bunch that you go, I don't know if that counts.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

Who was he dying.

[Doug Stanhope]

The first time I met you was the airport thing, right?

[Mark Normand]

No, I think we did Jim and Sam, like way back in the day once. But yeah. You picked me up at the airport once. You held up, I went out to smoke.

[Doug Stanhope]

I think it was St. Louis.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I was in the Sky Club. So I just went out to have a cigarette and I have to go outside and there's the guy standing there with the Sam Morrill sign.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

If he's still here when I come back from this cigarette. And I gave him a 20 to fucking let's sign.

[Mark Normand]

It was an amazing. Yeah. Peter and I got off and we're like, this is the best surprise ever. I Needed a boost going into St. Louis as well.

[Sam Morril]

That's so cool.

[Mark Normand]

No, that made me fun. Made my day. That was awesome, man.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I was suited up too, because I was just. I always fly suited up and I'm sure.

[Mark Normand]

I respect. I think it's, it's cool, man. You're like one of the last, like suit drinkers.

[Doug Stanhope]

You know what? There's, there's, there's manipulation of foot in it too, because I always wear a fucking Delta vintage Delta pin and I have a bag of vintage Delta gadgets. And you will not get shut off drinking on a plane.

[Sam Morril]

Oh.

[Doug Stanhope]

If you've given them a 1973 vintage Delta. This and that and.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, that's so nice. I love your pan. Thank you. Could I get a double?

[Sam Morril]

You could probably grab a stewardess's ass at this point. I mean, you're all in the suit, the pin. Yeah. That's awesome.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Probably not if you use the word stewardess. Oh, sorry.

[Sam Morril]

That's where I lost you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Do you ever notice for a drinker's podcast that this is kind of like. It's like a sneeze guard.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you're right. Get him a straw.

[Doug Stanhope]

Give me a crazy straw.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Oh, oh.

[Doug Stanhope]

A hurricane with a crazy straw. You said you can make anything, right, right?

[Sam Morril]

We can whip that up.

[Mark Normand]

We might be able to whip up a hurricane.

[Doug Stanhope]

I have no idea what's in a hurricane other than diabetes.

[Sam Morril]

It's.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, I feel like I'm sounding like a tell now. Came in here so jacked. I woke up and I saw my face after, like that's almost 12 hours of drinking for me to get here because I, I'm two hours from that airport. So I leave early and then I get at for a 1 o'clock flight. I'm there at 11:30. So I start drinking at the bar. It's the only bar I'm a regular at is the Tucson Airport. Like, Sarah, what are you doing? Where you going? How was. How's that thing that you did? And then, you know, in first class if you get bumped up or. I usually buy first, but if I'm not making money where I'm going, I go, I should probably just, you know, roll the dice. What's the point of, of chasing diamond status if you don't have the reward of getting bumped up?

[Sam Morril]

Good point.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I did get bumped up on the first flight. So I've had two drinks at the airport bar and then I get. Yeah, your pre flight drink, which I get livid if they don't Serve that.

[Sam Morril]

That's crazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's the whole point of first class.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

Is getting a drink for those other simple.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

What did you say?

[Mark Normand]

I did the great peeve.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, peeve. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

I thought you said p. Because this.

[Sam Morril]

I try to hydrate this guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

This is. Well, what I did is I call them torpedoes, that size of water. If I could drink one of those in a day, it's almost half a gallon. It's 50 something ounces.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

And that's what they recommend. At least a half gallon a day. So I chugged this thing before airport security that I've driven with but ignored. And now I'm gonna. I. I forgot I got bumped up, but I'm in a window seat. Seat.

[Sam Morril]

Ah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I go, I'm gonna have to piss this whole flight. And I sit there and I'm. I get my. My drink.

[Sam Morril]

He pisses like a old lady.

[Doug Stanhope]

But at least you get an aisle.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

You think ahead.

[Mark Normand]

Try.

[Doug Stanhope]

So this lady sits out. She has a hard hat connected to her backpack.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, boy.

[Doug Stanhope]

A woman of a certain age. And then she gets to her like me. She keeps her delta earpieces. So she plugs in her earpieces for the in flight entertainment, pulls out her tray and opens up a laptop and it starts. And then they come to say, what would you like, the vegetarian option or the chicken Cuban sandwich? And I'm like. And then she orders tea, hot tea. And I'm like, I already have to piss.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

So before the tea comes, I'm like, lady, I'm sorry, but I. Let me get this done before I'm gonna knock over. I have this fucking overcoat on. It's like a slanket. I'm gonna knock everything off when you. And so it's okay. And I just squeezed every ounce of piss out I could then. Yeah, sorry, I just did broken special. It was so claustrophobic just being in a window seat knowing that I'm gonna have to piss again. I. I didn't. But I wanted to the whole time.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, dude. No.

[Doug Stanhope]

The.

[Mark Normand]

The constant peen. I tr. If someone's not in the, you know, window and they have to go. I'm like. I get. I'm. Yeah, I totally support it because. Yes, you got a piss.

[Doug Stanhope]

But I also don't have projects I'm doing.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. If you're going to have the whole. I got a build a thing.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Another great line. Oh, that's fun. It's a fun gif. Another great line that blew my mind when I was a young comic. I was watching your. Your Comedy Central half hour, I think it was. Is that a premium blend back then or.

[Mark Normand]

No, it was a half hour.

[Sam Morril]

It was a half hour. Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

I did both.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, well, maybe it was pretty. It was. One of them was on Comedy Central. And you come out and you go, I got some fans here tonight. And the crowd goes, woo. And you go, then what's my name? Silent.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, cut that out.

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Doug Stanhope]

You must have just heard that story.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like I saw that on.

[Mark Normand]

Like, if you got.

[Doug Stanhope]

I' might have been on one of my CDs. That's how long I've been around, I think. Three CDs, which I love. Every time you belch.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Or fart. The farting thing.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, tell that to David.

[Doug Stanhope]

Peeve is eating on Mike.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you really?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yes, but the farting and belching. I love you. Show the fucking. Nate Bargazi's reaction to you farting. That's a fucking. That was a Hedberg peeve. One time at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis. We were co headlining and we would just get hammered and the late show would get. We just. If you remember, you could just walk back into the green room from the stage.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

So we'd walk back and talk to each other in the green room. And then whoever's on stage, you go back out. Or we'd go back out together. Yeah, we'd do bumps, like on the mic, but in the back in the green room. Yeah, with the mic. At one time I took the mic and I farted in it. And Bargazi had no. Nothing on how much Hedberg bummed out on.

[Sam Morril]

Really? Really.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's so inconsiderate.

[Sam Morril]

I wouldn't do it during someone's act. That's great.

[Mark Normand]

Because he has to talk.

[Doug Stanhope]

We're around in the green room on the mic during a live show.

[Sam Morril]

I see. I see.

[Mark Normand]

That's worse than what. That's worse than what you did to Nate.

[Sam Morril]

There it is.

[Doug Stanhope]

It is not.

[Sam Morril]

This is genuine hatred. Hold on. Let me just say this is the most. The richest comic in America right now.

[Mark Normand]

And I just walked back in. I missed it.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, you're good.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. The discomfort continues. What I love.

[Sam Morril]

So awkward in there.

[Doug Stanhope]

He doesn't move past it.

[Sam Morril]

No, he hated it.

[Mark Normand]

I love that I missed all that.

[Sam Morril]

Clean.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. My early CDs. Like I would. Because I was a beer drinker, so I would belch. I just raucously.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I just say that's my catchphrase. Because that's it wasn't like every seed. My last special, like, fortuitously I had a belch where I didn't really have a segue and I was just. I'd rather be treated by a veteran. And then I like, oh, that gives me a fucking easy. Like, I love myself. I hate myself most of the time.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

One little thing like that can rope me back in. I love.

[Mark Normand]

I remember your album. Something to take the edge off. That Bobby Barnett closer is one of my favorite bits.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Just the passion you tell this hookup story with. And like, just like the die, like the lines in it. You have lines that I like, I think about, like, that's like just great writing where you say, you know, you're trying to hook up with this beauty, most beautiful woman you ever seen. And you know, she hated long hair. I was thinking of getting a cut. She hated cigarettes. I was trying to cut back, like every. Like, I was saying all the right things. That line, I'm like, oh, that's like out of like a fucking 40s movie.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, man.

[Mark Normand]

You say you hate photo shoots, but these are three iconic photos.

[Sam Morril]

Killer. Oh, yeah, those are taken in the.

[Mark Normand]

Moment, I guess, with one's on stage. So he's not.

[Doug Stanhope]

Hang on. Great. I mean, like, Lenny was it. Is it Jeselnick? I. I put it together late, but doesn't Jezelnick have an album title where that would be a more fitting.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, Fire in the Maternity Award.

[Sam Morril]

That's it.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Great, great special title.

[Sam Morril]

Great title.

[Doug Stanhope]

It is. And I cover. Yeah, that cover was, by the way, previous to his title, I had this cover.

[Sam Morril]

Yes, we got you. There you go.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that.

[Doug Stanhope]

Have you seen his.

[Sam Morril]

Fire in the Maternity Ward's happening in la, right?

[Doug Stanhope]

New one.

[Sam Morril]

Sorry, continue.

[Doug Stanhope]

I try to watch yours, but it's on Netflix and I got rid of Netflix and I was so proud because I. It took that Tyson fight and I'm like, you know what? I want to get rid of Netflix anyway because I'm paying like 30 something dollars a month to get the best package. No ads or whatever. It's like $31.

[Sam Morril]

Get rid of it.

[Doug Stanhope]

I go, this like one good thing a month. And I could just go on fucking Reddit and ask a fan for their password to see the one good thing. I haven't done that yet, but I will.

[Mark Normand]

But you know what?

[Doug Stanhope]

You were.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, I think a lot of it, we were shitting on it last time, but like a lot of the shows now are just dumbed down. Like I was talking to someone about like, how they have to say what the plot is in the first couple minutes. If you're folding laundry. Like, I guess if, like Glenn Powell's in that movie. Hitman. Yes, in the minute. In the beginning, he has to be like, so I'm a hitman.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Start the movie.

[Doug Stanhope]

Dumbing down of Forced Backstory.

[Mark Normand]

The name of the time title.

[Sam Morril]

You should know Squid Game is good, but it's Korean, so that helps. Yeah, it's not watered down with our.

[Mark Normand]

It's just, you know, it's. It's.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's right. Mark Norman.

[Sam Morril]

I know all about it.

[Doug Stanhope]

You're born in New Orleans here, where a wife's name is May.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

A child on the way.

[Sam Morril]

Man.

[Doug Stanhope]

Speaking of knowing that, where's Winnie? I was gonna bring dog treats for Winnie and I was late going, getting to the airport and Big was like, you're gonn treats for Winnie?

[Mark Normand]

Can we go to the LA right now? In the fire. I hope she gets that. She's all right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Is she doing road work?

[Mark Normand]

Winnie's doing auditions.

[Doug Stanhope]

She's.

[Mark Normand]

She's working on her head shot. No, she. They're in LA right now. It's just. Yeah. Dude, I love that dog. I miss every time that dog leaves. I'm like, it better not be the last time.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, right.

[Doug Stanhope]

I love all animals, but. Sorry I missed the joke.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. That's how I feel about you. Oh, better not be the last time.

[Doug Stanhope]

Is that. Is that like a Chuck? What they call those?

[Mark Normand]

I guess it's a dog leaf Chug. A chug. Like a Chihuahua.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, no, no. What? It lays on that. Like the pad. Like it's always on a pad. Like it's like. Is it making puddles?

[Mark Normand]

No, it's more just because this is kind of slippery and she sells.

[Doug Stanhope]

All right, well, you know what chucks are for old feet.

[Sam Morril]

Boy, I don't know about a Chuck. That's horrible. It took him a second.

[Mark Normand]

It's Jezelnick's new special.

[Sam Morril]

By the way, you know who hates farting is Louis ck.

[Doug Stanhope]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. For a guy who likes jerk off, jokes and jizz, there's a clip of.

[Mark Normand]

You'Ve told me this story. And there's a clip of Louie on the Daily show being like, if you don't find farts.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Stupid. And he got so mad at Mark for farting on him one.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

I know. I was torn. I was like, hurt. As a young comedian, I was like, you hate farts. You're like my hero.

[Doug Stanhope]

The first book I wrote, like, the funniest oh, God.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry.

[Doug Stanhope]

Farts. People, you know, like, people think that that's low brow humor. It's stupid humor. I. To me, a fart is funny.

[Mark Normand]

You should have played this for him after you did.

[Sam Morril]

I should have. Yes. Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

It comes out of your ass.

[Sam Morril]

Read, dude, you.

[Mark Normand]

By the way, your episode of Louie is one of the best.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's killer.

[Mark Normand]

That's incredible. That was a great character, man. That was. I mean, that show, Louie, I rewatched a bunch of them lately. It's so fucking good.

[Sam Morril]

So good.

[Doug Stanhope]

That led to absolutely nothing. I got not one offer, really on that, that I. I think I should.

[Mark Normand]

Talk to Todd Barry about his performance in the Wrestler.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, he's already talking about. He doesn't need a segue.

[Sam Morril]

You killed that role.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, actually, Todd was amazing. That too, but you, yeah, no, Todd was. You crushed. You crushed so hard in this, man. It should have led to some stuff. Been nominated for something, though.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, no, he actually, he said he submitted that episode for the Emmys. And Nat, I remember it was such a.

[Mark Normand]

It was so good because it's an inside episode about like that.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

You mean bar. You know, bars. But it was broad. It was like, it. It just. Yeah, I mean, that was one of the best episodes.

[Doug Stanhope]

He. And we're not like friends or like. But we're friendly, but it's not like I see him outside of an occasional festival or something and that was like. So he had no idea how on the fucking nose that was. Oh, yeah, like, the dialogue. Like, I'd said a bunch of that shit myself, basically. Not word for word, obviously, but like, I've talked about all that shit. It was like, me, if I didn't have money, right, If I wasn't successful, that's still like, I, you know, I don't. I don't want to fuck anymore. I don't care. I have no desires for anything. And it's just. What's the point? The. Just the nihilism in the character. I just. I swim in that on a daily basis. Office.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right. Yeah, he captured that. And I remember you were going to these bar room, like, underground open mics that were so sad. And at the time this came out, I was doing all those rooms and it was like he was at the lantern.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, yeah, I did a spot there that night.

[Sam Morril]

Exactly.

[Doug Stanhope]

That was like real open micrs.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

He just said, okay, just do what you do anyway.

[Mark Normand]

And yeah, yeah, that show. I missed that show. I mean, it was. I mean, I went like five seasons, but fuck, it was so good.

[Sam Morril]

So good.

[Doug Stanhope]

Shit.

[Mark Normand]

He would do like that three episode arc in, you know, in the Middle East. It's like. Yeah. Or the three episode arc where he's gonna take over for Letterman and David Lynch. Like, this is so weird.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

I love that this is on tv.

[Sam Morril]

He really had a run for a while. He was like changing comedy. He had the ticket link thing. He had the. The five dollar special. He had this show which was like the Louis deal. 250k each episode, you know.

[Doug Stanhope]

You know what I found I saw in myself watching Louie ever through about is you always know how old he is. If you watch any set. He goes. And I go, oh, I do that too. Like, you know, I'm 52, I'm 53, you know. You know how. You know is this the most recent special? He should be 58 by right.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I never thought about that. It's a good point.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, you're never gonna not be able to see it now.

[Sam Morril]

There you go. Well, we gotta talk about no refunds.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

To me, I think this is Europus. What do you think?

[Doug Stanhope]

Think? Yeah. I don't people.

[Sam Morril]

It's a tough question.

[Doug Stanhope]

It is.

[Sam Morril]

I think it's just so good. It. I feel like it was.

[Doug Stanhope]

I've watched it. I got to a place where I can watch myself from those days. Like I probably would Never want. In 10 years I could watch this podcast. But yeah, that's like a different you. When it's right. You're going back almost 20 years, I can watch it. And I was so annoying because I'm smoking and I'm drinking beer and so I'll have a beer like this as I'm. There you go. I have a.

[Sam Morril]

There it is.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I'm almost smoking it and almost drinking it and I'm heckling myself going, drink the beer or put it down. Don't do a punchline and go, hey, you have another. You know what I hate? Yeah. Aggravating.

[Sam Morril]

And it worked though. I mean the bits in this, like kids should do drugs, not adults. Cults. The. The Jews chunk was incredible.

[Doug Stanhope]

I hate the Jews.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that was an amazing bit.

[Mark Normand]

Look. No, it was. It was this excess in moderation as well.

[Sam Morril]

Or is that enough?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, that's. That's.

[Mark Normand]

I think that's something.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Something to take the.

[Mark Normand]

I love that one too though.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, and don't. Is this one. Don't get up on your time. Do it on the company's time.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's a deadbeat hero.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay. I've listened to Them all.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's weird because usually I'm completely. I don't fucking know. But you just said three in a row. That I know.

[Sam Morril]

There you go. Well kids, if you don't. If not super familiar with Doug, watch this fucking hour. Hour. It's unbelievable. And you're dripping with the hatred from New York too.

[Doug Stanhope]

Which adds to does again back to comfort where you don't. When you don't have hate. Like now I feel kind of abandoned where by comics where you go. All these comics have like taken sides where it used to. I know us against them now somehow they bought in and they like picked. Oh you're either woke or this I like. No, we. It's us against Boulder, Colorado.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Tonight. And it's. Even if I hate you as a comic.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well I hate the audience worse. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

We had a great line something where. Where someone went up to you and was like Dane Cook sucks. And you said, well I like Dane better than I like you.

[Doug Stanhope]

I put that on my website. If I walked into a airport bar and all my biggest fans and Dane Cooker in there. I'm drinking with Dane Cook. No, he doesn't even drink. No, I drink with a sober Dane Cook before my biggest fans. Cuz we have something in common. It's like the Yankees and Red Sox.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

They. They'll fucking hang out after they're not hanging out with the fucking cheap seats.

[Sam Morril]

That's true.

[Mark Normand]

Well you. You also. I mean Mark and I talk about this all the time. But I mean a great show. The green room man. Paul. Prevention. Oh yeah. Our two favorite episodes we've talked about this to death are yours and it tells. And also the one with Shanley and Marin and all those.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, my favorite was Patrice.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that was a great one.

[Doug Stanhope]

Bob Saget.

[Sam Morril]

Quinn.

[Mark Normand]

Sandra Bernhardt.

[Doug Stanhope]

Sandra Bernhardt.

[Mark Normand]

Roseanne.

[Doug Stanhope]

Fucking Patrice tried to fucking like there's. And we could talk scariest comedians. But Patrice was easily Patrice and Norton. Like I would never want if like they could break you down so badly.

[Sam Morril]

You know at any point cut to the bone.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And that's what we do. That's why I like people say oh Rogan will he could you up. But he wouldn't.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Doug Stanhope]

Rogan was not going to choke someone out.

[Mark Normand]

That'd be a bad episode.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

But Patrice. Patrice would eviscerate you verbally.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

No one could do it at a higher level that that and. And Patrice tried to call sag it out on that episode.

[Sam Morril]

Oh yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

He's like say something off the top of Your head don't say the. You wrote in the back room, say. And Sagat came with it and he went, all right, right. Like Bob.

[Mark Normand]

It was. Yeah, it was. It was a really cool show. And I mean, I know you had like the moment with Belzer.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Like that was weird.

[Sam Morril]

I bough book because he's talking about.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, he said what's merch? Yes, merch. I like. It's like the book of yours, how to do standup comedy that I bought.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Another dig on him. It was really funny where he was like the guys they looked up to and he was like, no, like Alan Havey. And like he's like, no, they were funny. I was like, oh my God, he's just saying this. I mean it tell was you guys together were great. And yeah, that's. That was one of my. But you had that story in this episode where you said you saw the people, you know, outside a venue and you were like terrified. So you crossed the street and it turned out they were trying to get into you.

[Doug Stanhope]

That was the line of my show. Yeah. Oh my God, this is sketchy. Let's fucking.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, go that way.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I'm like, oh fuck. That's the Canada somewhere Calgary video of.

[Mark Normand]

Joe Rogan choking a guy.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, shit. Really?

[Mark Normand]

Okay, I take it back.

[Sam Morril]

Is it a fan?

[Doug Stanhope]

He's someone asking to be choked out.

[Mark Normand]

Are. Watch how quickly it turns.

[Sam Morril]

You want to be right about all.

[Doug Stanhope]

These things, cuz you think about these things all the time and you not listen to anybody's opinion.

[Sam Morril]

Just want to be right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Thank you, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, exact.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm going to choke you out on camera.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, this is. Oh, he tapped. Oh, the alpha. Sit on the. The railing there. Like what do you.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't know you were allowed to tap in a street fight. That's pretty cool.

[Sam Morril]

Come on. Got that. He could have just tapped.

[Doug Stanhope]

I always think Tim Dylan. Gay. Sorry, I just saw.

[Sam Morril]

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[Doug Stanhope]

I love that Joe Rogan choking guy out leads you to. Is Tim Dylan gay?

[Mark Normand]

He led me to you. Look at this.

[Sam Morril]

Doug Stanhope released a joke world hour.

[Doug Stanhope]

And 18 minutes long and was filmed at the comedy mothership.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like a. A superb legendary serial killer cold case decades. You murdered people part perfectly flawlessly. No, you know how to turn off the cell phone so it doesn't ping when you bury in a body all the basic the one of wands. And you got away with it for decades to the point when now you're just retired in your 70s. You had that mail order pride you had since 97 and you were lived a quiet, peaceful life only to be busted by a podcast.

[Sam Morril]

What'd you shoot that on? A Super 8.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's. Yeah, you have to see it.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

We filmed it almost two years ago, May of 23.

[Sam Morril]

Oh wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

And there's like there was no. We get the footage because they built in cameras and there's not any cutaways to you know, crowd or anything like so to edit it. So yeah, my. I get this Australian producer guy that I'm working with and he. I have all these old 70s small TVs. So he got very creative, and. And you have to. You have to look at it. It's gonna either annoy the. Out of. You just know if you're watching it, it doesn't change. I mean, it'll change to a different tv. And there's, like, photographs of things I'm talking about beside the tv. And he got really, really creative with.

[Sam Morril]

Wow, that is cool. I mean, it might take you out of it, but it's also interesting.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, just get high first.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I. I saw the opening joke, and it's really funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Think about the opener.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like, why do I need an opener? I can just be less funny than me for 20 minutes. Oh, my God, that's such a brilliant line.

[Mark Normand]

Discount meat on YouTube. Doug, stand. Watch that right now. Legendary comic. We love them.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's. Yeah, it's all sorts of free.

[Sam Morril]

Hell, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

I wanted to ask you about that, because we didn't. He tried to, like, he tried to clean it up. So I don't know how any of the monetizing on YouTube works, but he tried to make it monetizable. And he goes. He came upstairs. He lives down. Downstairs from me, down on the next street. And he said, do you think I can't do an Australian accent? Do you think we could do this without. Without taking out the crocodile? He said, it's. He just spent hours trying to clean it up. He goes, there's over 240 in just the edit it. And that's not even the suicide rape thing, everything. And he goes. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care. Just, you know, do what's easy and get it out there. Do the Doug Stanhope Stanhope route to success and don't care. Just get out.

[Mark Normand]

That's the move. So guys, watch the yes. Because, yeah, it's hard to. So did they demonetize it because of that stuff?

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't know. I was gonna ask you guys, when I watch sometimes, if I'm just, like, watching clips, you kind of, like, clean it up. So do you do, like, a clean version to promote the version?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you could do a little sizzle with clean material. Or if you put it on Instagram, I would do the editing.

[Mark Normand]

A special ever?

[Sam Morril]

No, never in a special.

[Mark Normand]

No, but, like, if it's a clip. Yeah, I have a guide who does it for me. And he's like, this word they'll sensor. I'm like, whatever. Just do you do it?

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, now I'm doing it. But the unaliving.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, come on.

[Doug Stanhope]

Promote an unalived hotline.

[Mark Normand]

I think. I think we just bleep.

[Sam Morril]

Hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

Killed self. I think we just killed and then self is fine. But yeah, it's so stupid. Didn't bury you in the algorithm if you say killed or suicide.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, I think my algorithm is unlisted. I don't see that come up in anybody's feed anywhere.

[Sam Morril]

Did Meta just say they were not doing censoring anymore? Something came out recently.

[Mark Normand]

Facebook said they're not going to and they're not fact checking.

[Sam Morril]

What does that mean?

[Mark Normand]

They can't. I mean, the community knows. Kind of like Twitter, basically. Basically, Zuckerberg, Bloomberg made a deal with Trump that Trump is gonna like, you know, you can censor Instagram and all these other countries, like India, which is a huge, huge place for Instagram users.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And he's like, trump will have my back, making sure shit doesn't get censored.

[Sam Morril]

Interesting.

[Mark Normand]

But then he has to kind of scratch Trump's back. That's basically what's happening.

[Sam Morril]

Well, I'm all for no censor, but who knows where this will lead?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I hope they fucking. That's my issue with it is like, you don't know what the goal post is anymore. You're like, well, so you just put out a special. Like our buddy Joe List. His shit got demonetized because he said, but it's like, well, you didn't tell me. I couldn't say exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Let us know.

[Mark Normand]

New rules. So, yeah, it's. It's all he said.

[Sam Morril]

40 minutes in, too. And they were like, ooh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I heard that. If you. If you keep the beginning of shit clean.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Probably overlook. I have no idea.

[Mark Normand]

I had a joke. I had my opening joke in my Amazon special. They were like, do you mind moving that anywhere else? Because a baby dick suck joke as an opener might be a problem.

[Doug Stanhope]

I was like, boys.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, right?

[Doug Stanhope]

The. The latest.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, I cut it. I'm gonna use it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Okay. I was gonna say, I just. Just watched. I didn't watch it all because I was about to fall asleep, and you go, I can't.

[Mark Normand]

It has that effect on people.

[Doug Stanhope]

Comics. No. Yeah, I guess that sounded bad.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you're gonna fall asleep before you put it up.

[Mark Normand]

He was about to unalive himself while he was.

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't. I don't sit down in an armchair and watch TV. TV is only for, you know, 4am When I wake up and go, it's. It's too cold to go anywhere.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Or at night. But I. I don't. I won't sleep to stand up because you're gonna go, was this my idea or is that something I heard subliminally because I've slept to a. So, yeah, no, it's paused right where I go. Okay, I'm gonna watch the rest. And you're on Netflix, which I had.

[Sam Morril]

So I got a YouTube. Your throw on the YouTube.

[Doug Stanhope]

I've seen. I've seen.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

But your newest one is Right.

[Sam Morril]

Right. By the way, are you in Sam Talent's book? Is that partly about you?

[Doug Stanhope]

He said it's an amalgamation. Just like the Louis thing. He said it's a lot of comics.

[Sam Morril]

Right, Right.

[Mark Normand]

His book is great.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's the best. I find my book. My last book came out at the same time and I just spent literally 20 times more promoting his book than my own own because it was so good. And I don't like fiction, but that was truer.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

About stand up comedy than most stand up comics books. And there's really a. There's a huge lack of. I would love to read Ollie Joe Prater, John Fox, etc biography about. I always end up, you know, reading like punk rock. I love fucking debauch.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Artists, stories, junkies. I've never done heroin yet.

[Sam Morril]

Tonight's the night.

[Doug Stanhope]

Boof and trank and the heroin.

[Mark Normand]

Your mom's story, though is amazing too, from your album.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, thanks.

[Mark Normand]

That's another one that's like. I mean, you're essentially like seeing your mom through.

[Doug Stanhope]

What were you saying about, like, I wish that happened to me some. Something that happened to your friend and he.

[Sam Morril]

Hit by a bus.

[Doug Stanhope]

Hit by a bus when? Because I always used to say, like, I.

[Sam Morril]

The.

[Doug Stanhope]

The worst stories are the best material. If I found out I had cancer, the first thing I do, I wouldn't go to an oncologist. I'd rush to a notebook. What's your name? Tignataro.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

God damn it. That's what I was talking about.

[Mark Normand]

I wish I had titty cancer.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. They want that to be me. I thrive in tragedy. Like, I don't.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But that is like, like, that's like a beautiful thing that your brain goes to. That. That is like a. That is a great way to. What's that?

[Sam Morril]

That was quick. That was great.

[Mark Normand]

I look like I just heard that too. Like. Oh, man.

[Doug Stanhope]

Dude, you look so James Bond suave in that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I was trying to be. Yeah. It's funny. Nate Bargazi was like, wear a suit this time. I was like, all right.

[Doug Stanhope]

It was like. It was very like film noir, 1940s.

[Sam Morril]

That was the look.

[Mark Normand]

But that's what I was going for, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Meanwhile, it's Nate's new special. He's not wearing a suit.

[Doug Stanhope]

You piece of.

[Sam Morril]

What the hell are you doing to me?

[Mark Normand]

It's like, no, I want. That was for you.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. He's wearing like a zip up jacket.

[Mark Normand]

Didn't you have.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's why I was pointing out that is Tim Dillon gay? Because I was just thinking that on the drive yesterday. I'm like, I think I'm way gayer than Tim.

[Sam Morril]

I could see that you've blown a guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I don't think so.

[Sam Morril]

Really? Not a drunken.

[Mark Normand]

That is the best response we've had.

[Doug Stanhope]

To that one, though. But I'm not quite sure. I mean, just, I surface like, basic things. Like, you're gorgeous there. Like, I. I love football for the uniforms. And if you have a. Like, if Tampa Bay and the Patriots were both playing in throwbacks. Oh, my God, I'm the gayest guy. And that's not even like, putting things in my ass, like, right. I don't even, like, I'm not even sexual at this point, and I haven't been for years.

[Mark Normand]

It's almost gay to be like. That's aesthetically pleasing to me.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, no, but I'm like, like, like sexually, I would have, like, gay things that I would be into. Not. I never sucked a dick, but. Yeah. A lady's put a dildo in my mouth more than once or things like that, you know? I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

You move, Tim?

[Sam Morril]

No, just waiting for Tim to. I'm waiting for some video of Tim blowing a guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't want to make it an ageist thing, but at some point, like, even if I was having sex, I wouldn't talk about it.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

I would deny that I'm having it, but I remember. I don't want to name names. Bobby Slayton was the first time I noticed it. Where you go? My wife will me. She won't. Like, you're like, back then.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Was the oldest man in the world, younger than I am now. But, like, nobody really wants to picture you. Your wife.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Doug Stanhope]

At 55, 85 years old, whatever you are.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

There's a certain cut off where you go.

[Sam Morril]

Ah, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I ran into Bobby in la and I don't. I've never met him, but Lewis Black told this great story on about going to Epstein's house and they, like, they didn't know who he was, but they just had like, they were drinking at Epstein's house and I told that story and. And Bobby was like, oh, thanks for telling that story on the pod. I'm like, is that good?

[Sam Morril]

It's like incriminating.

[Mark Normand]

It's a bad fucking.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus Christ.

[Sam Morril]

Oh God.

[Doug Stanhope]

I get to fucking find that episode.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that was great.

[Sam Morril]

That went viral.

[Mark Normand]

He was awesome. Louis Black rules.

[Doug Stanhope]

But wait, went to fucking what? Not Epstein island, but just the house.

[Sam Morril]

Like a party in Manhattan.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he had like dinners and stuff and he was like, like, oh, this.

[Doug Stanhope]

I feel really bad for anyone that like is connected like that. Cuz who knows who's P. Diddy if you get invited to a P. Diddy party. Yeah, I, I got invited to. And they wouldn't say who it was, but my manager knew to do a private for Banksy in England and Bath or Bristol and I went, fucking no way.

[Mark Normand]

Why?

[Doug Stanhope]

Because private suck.

[Mark Normand]

I know, but you might. But doesn't that part of you, the comp be like this?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, what a private does is the fucking. The one guy likes you and then he's gonna show you off to his friends. And I know you know, on a pie chart, the people who like my comedy is a very slim, diet friendly piece of pie of people that will understand, get, or much less lack math at what I do. I'm a very genre specific, you know.

[Sam Morril]

Sure.

[Doug Stanhope]

And oh, I got to do Banksies and I sucked. I think you guys were just talking about something like this where you sucked in front of.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's story my life with these privates. But I feel like a Banksy gig. You'd show up and it's. It's just no one there because it's Banksy. He's gonna throw you for a loop somehow.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, I thought the. I think it was gonna be like just the most artsy.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's bad too.

[Doug Stanhope]

People that said. Well before you know the current climate.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, but don't people not know who Banksy actually is?

[Sam Morril]

He's always covered.

[Mark Normand]

So would he.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's why I was not. I couldn't know. But I knew because he knew but couldn't say it. And it turns out it was definitely Banksy. But I said, and you know what? I never wake up thinking, fuck, all those people hate me.

[Sam Morril]

Good point.

[Doug Stanhope]

Is the best feeling in the world.

[Sam Morril]

But you're used to being hated by now.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, but that's. That was the fucking last note I wrote in my notebook before I left for here was you can do anything you want in life. Just don't read the comments.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Hear, hear. They're brutal.

[Mark Normand]

I did during COVID my ex girlfriend worked in art gallery and we were already broken up. We're on good terms. And she was like, do you want to do a gig on the roof of the gallery and I'll get a bunch of people? And at that time, I'll. I was like, comedy. I'll do anything. Sure. Yeah, you're right. They stared blankly at me. But then afterwards they were like, good show. And I'm like, this is how you like. So even if they like you, they're just like, what the fuck?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Have you done the uk?

[Mark Normand]

It's harder.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's just absolute silence. But it's a respect that you have to. Once you've done it, you have to like, I'm going back. I have to remember they're going to stare at you blankly and then you're gonna have flop sweat.

[Sam Morril]

Yep.

[Doug Stanhope]

And then they applaud the standing ovation at the end. And like, where the was this energy, right? Because we're so trained to American bravado. Yeah, kick some ass. Do the thing with the baby dick that you cut.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like the same with British women. You, them, silence. And at the end they're like, that was good. You're like, how about a moan? It's the same with the audience.

[Doug Stanhope]

Audience. If you guys want to talk about me behind my back. I hydrated this morning and I'm gonna have to piss.

[Mark Normand]

I gotta piss too, actually.

[Sam Morril]

I'll hold it down.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, hey, let's. You know what? I gotta do this. Hey, people, you ever want to eat healthy, but you're in a hurry, you don't have time to cook. Well, whatever they pitch while we're pissing, use promo code Stanhope. Don't use the drunk promo code anymore. That's for losers. Promo code Stanhope. That's right. Prize picks.

[Sam Morril]

It is ironic your name has hope in it. I never thought about that. All right, I'll hold it down. All right. This is exciting. I'm gonna go through Doug's coat. You never know what's in here. Hey, I like it. All right. Yeah. This is an honor for me. I'm actually nervous. I'm a huge fan. I've been watching. This guy is the first comic I ever saw live. Isn't that crazy? In New Orleans, at a place called One Eyed Jacks, Sean Patton opened. And I knew Sean, so he got me in. And readers, man, that's a bummer. When you look to your hero's coat and it's readers. What's in this one? A dildo. I checked that.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Nothing. Right. But yeah. God, this is hot.

[Mark Normand]

He was just saying how bad New Orleans crowds are.

[Sam Morril]

They're horrible. And he struggled there, but I was dying. I was like, this is amazing. He was shitfaced. Barely got a word out. But he. The jokes were great. And so this is. This is a treat. Seeing him live or talking to him in person. We've talked before, but yeah. Got him on the pod. Very exciting.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. So they're going to piss. I'm holding it. And I. Can you pull this up? I did Rogan once and I told a Stanhope story and no one believed me. And they called him I. And he answered this clip. I can't remember what the story was though, because I was shit faced because it was Protect Our Parks girl.

[Mark Normand]

And it was.

[Sam Morril]

Yes, yes, Later. Pull it up. If you. If you could find. I bet somebody turned into a clip. Pull it up. So yeah. Yes, Doug, I went through your pockets. Pockets. Hoping you'd had some contraband and you had readers. Kind of a letdown. But yeah. Oh, no, over here. But yeah, if we can find. Oh, there it is. Yes. Wow. Oh, it's 13 minutes.

[Doug Stanhope]

So when you guys divorce.

[Sam Morril]

You got it.

[Doug Stanhope]

You're gonna have to fight.

[Sam Morril]

What's. What's this?

[Doug Stanhope]

And you get the Leggero.

[Sam Morril]

We're gonna make amends with her, don't you worry.

[Mark Normand]

This is my favorite moments of 2024.

[Sam Morril]

Do you remember this, Doug?

[Mark Normand]

Mark was on Rogan Protect Our Parks, and he was telling a story about you. And then they. Someone called you. Someone had your number and called you.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, Joe called him because no one believed.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, I had to change my number because of that.

[Sam Morril]

Whatever. And the bartender there was. It was some lady and it was her first night bartending. And she went up to. You're disgusting. That was abhorrent. That was inappropriate. That was crazy. She didn't know comedy. So then, whatever. Cut to 30 years later, he comes back to Zany's Kills, like, has one of these magical sets, annihilates. Great night. He gets off stage and she was like. She now had been seasoned with comedy. She's hurt all these people over the years. And she's like, that was great. They all. They go out, he ends up fucking her back in his or her apartment. And he's over the balcony, her. Her. She's like, you don't remember me?

[Doug Stanhope]

You don't remember me?

[Sam Morril]

He's like, no, I don't remember you whatever. And they're. They're. And now he's got her over the balcony her doggy style, and he goes, you're disgusting.

[Mark Normand]

For her telling.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Jokes were disgusting. Put it together.

[Sam Morril]

I told him.

[Doug Stanhope]

She. She. After the show, the last show of this Chicago comedy festival, and she's the last server there. All the comics and servers are just leaving to go to the bar next door by Zany's. I forget the name of it. Right around the corner from Chicago.

[Mark Normand]

Old Town Ale House.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yes, that's the place.

[Sam Morril]

Great bar.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I said, are you going? She goes, you know what? I saw your act, and I want you to know I think you're completely disgusting. And so I went, okay. This is before. That was a comment you could avoid on YouTube, right?

[Sam Morril]

It's a live comment.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Can't erase that. So then I get booked back because I fucking killed. And then. Then she's there, and I said, hey, let's make a truce, okay? I'm here for the whole week now, and we got to deal with. Again, it's us against them. You need tips, I need laughs. Let's just try to get along through this.

[Sam Morril]

Yep.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, there was. That was the second to last night. The last night of the festival level. She's working. And so. So I started. Hey. I started trashing her about saying that I was completely disgusting. And I go, and you're a little cakey with the makeup. But I didn't bring that up. I just. I teed off on her, so there was a beef in play. So then we made up.

[Mark Normand]

Makeup is great.

[Doug Stanhope]

She was very cakey with the makeup. It's like, almost like one of those geisha girls.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

So then we made up when I came back to do the week. Went to a bar with the staff, got along, had lots of drinks, went with her head out the window. Which was weird to think that there's a downtown Chicago hotel that had windows that open.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

But it was a thing. Sorry. Should have got on mic for that. You should actually have him miked twice. Yes, you should give me mike behind his butt. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Be a little crotch mic. Mic.

[Doug Stanhope]

Right. A little like a Garth Brooks, but, like.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, give me a Matt rife out of my ass. One of those little headsets.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wow. You have more current references than me, so. And I was her in the ass.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

And when. When I. I came in her ass.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wait for it. Then I. I leaned into her and I go, I just want you to know I find you completely disgusting.

[Sam Morril]

That's great.

[Doug Stanhope]

So we remain friends. Yeah, of course. But I wrote about that story in a book, and then the Audible version. I had a lot of people come on the podcast, podcast style. So in the Audible book, it's being read. But then when it gets to certain places, I would have people that were there to tell their side of the story. So she came on. On. She's a great chick, Patty. And she goes, well, first of all, you came on my back. You didn't come in my ass.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

All right. That's why we're doing this. Clear up any.

[Sam Morril]

Wow. Well, Patty, call in, please. We'd love to hear from you and hear your side of the story.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great name for the line. The zing.

[Doug Stanhope]

Did you do it? Like. No. No.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

That would be way weirder. That was not improv.

[Sam Morril]

That's. Banksy just had a.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like a.

[Mark Normand]

But when did it hit you? Did it hit you while you were her or right as you came?

[Sam Morril]

Good question.

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't. I have no idea. I. I really don't.

[Sam Morril]

But that's a comic. You got the call back in.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, that would be. That would be way creepy if I planned the whole thing. Usually I don't work for this kind of money, but I have an idea.

[Sam Morril]

Wow, Patty. I wonder if she's still there.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, no, she's in la. My old apartment building.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, all right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Might be on fire. Check in.

[Sam Morril]

That's true.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. A lot of people, man.

[Sam Morril]

Where is the Palisades? Is that.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's by Malibu. I had to ask, too.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of night go.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's. It goes Malibu, Palisades, Santa Monica, Venice, Brentwood. Pasadena is also on fire. That's a P word.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

Palisades. Pasadena.

[Sam Morril]

There you go. Pasadena is where Disneyland is, is it not? No, that's Anaheim.

[Doug Stanhope]

Start with a P at all.

[Sam Morril]

Anaheim. Analheim.

[Mark Normand]

Holy. That's bad.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, man.

[Mark Normand]

These are.

[Sam Morril]

This is Malibu. Wow. Beyonce.

[Doug Stanhope]

Hey, I'm gonna. Since I dropped Annie Letterman's name, I'm also gonna drop the fact that she said, yeah, my manager's house burned down completely. So now, hopefully he'll try to get me work, but harder he. Harder on my career.

[Sam Morril]

Wow. Hey, Jews. Can you get a rain cloud coming in or get the weather going? What the hell?

[Mark Normand]

Crazy.

[Sam Morril]

This is wild. 20.

[Doug Stanhope]

Shocking.

[Sam Morril]

No, no.

[Mark Normand]

But bad.

[Sam Morril]

But usually it's like super far out. I feel like now we're right in the mix here.

[Doug Stanhope]

If you had a bail on New York City and. And LA and Austin were not options.

[Sam Morril]

Sure.

[Doug Stanhope]

Where would you go?

[Sam Morril]

Good question.

[Mark Normand]

Probably Chicago. Go.

[Doug Stanhope]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

How about.

[Sam Morril]

You might go to Rhode Island? I like Rhode Island. I got a weird affinity with Rhode Island. I like the size of it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Okay, let me add the addendum of you cannot come to any of those three cities to work.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?

[Doug Stanhope]

Like, you're. If you pick Rhode island, you're within a couple hours.

[Mark Normand]

So you're doing it so you can come to New York.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, Connecticut and Jersey. Don't.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, okay, okay, okay. All right. I might go to Tampa then.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, cut. You're not a tamper.

[Doug Stanhope]

Guy has never had a comedy scene.

[Mark Normand]

That club is pretty good.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, it's a club, but there's no scene.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's true.

[Doug Stanhope]

I would have to.

[Mark Normand]

You need a scene, but you can.

[Sam Morril]

Drive up and down the state. You can go to, like, Jacksonville, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale. You can pop around.

[Mark Normand]

Driver, though. I like the idea of Chicago.

[Sam Morril]

I think Chicago is nice.

[Mark Normand]

Nice city.

[Sam Morril]

True. I do love Chicago for work.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. There's so much right in that area. Area. Like South Bend. There's. I did like a full week of Michigan doing different cities. Kalamazoo, Lansing. Like, there's. There's just so much work there. You can drive through flowers and.

[Sam Morril]

What about in winter, San Diego? That's a cool.

[Mark Normand]

Back in the day, I might even have said sf, but now I'm like, yeah, but San Diego's gorgeous.

[Sam Morril]

Gorgeous. There's a ton of work.

[Mark Normand]

Not even a beach guy guy. But there you're kind of like, this is. I could like, do like a week at the Comedy Store there.

[Doug Stanhope]

Ocean beach is. That's. They have a dog beach, too, for Winnie where you can let your dogs. There's just packs of everyone's dogs just running in and out of the ocean, biting waves and stuff. It's so beautiful.

[Mark Normand]

But I don't leash her. She can just. She just walks without a leash in the city.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, no, they don't leash. This is off leash dog beach.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, she's.

[Doug Stanhope]

They go chaotic.

[Sam Morril]

A seagull scooper, you know, just carry her away, dude.

[Mark Normand]

I'm worried in this weather she'll get swooped up.

[Sam Morril]

That's true. These winds, but yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Weighs nine pounds.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, that's a solid nine pounds.

[Sam Morril]

That's true. She's girthy.

[Doug Stanhope]

A gallon of water is eight pounds. It ain't blowing over in a storm, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Ocean Beach. Great bars down that strip. Great drinking by the beach.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's a little. A little sketchy. A little bit sketchy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but they're hot.

[Doug Stanhope]

Homeless Dudes don't leave change in your. In your cup. It's the kind of place they'd smash out your window to steal your dirty.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Speaking of, what kind of weird car is that? Your. Your car that got broke into?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you heard about that, huh? You know more about me than my father.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm like. That's like. First of all, no one in New York has a car.

[Sam Morril]

It's a 7302. It's a Beamer. It's a really zippy, fun little car. It's tiny. It's like a golf cart.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's gorge.

[Sam Morril]

Thanks, man.

[Mark Normand]

This really.

[Sam Morril]

This car saved BMW. BMW was going down the toilet with the World War II and everything, and they came out with this car, and it revamped the whole company.

[Doug Stanhope]

I bought. I forget what year. 71 of the three years that existed, I think. Pacer with.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

Allegedly 4300 original miles. Because I'm like, I want a cool car, but I don't want. I can't fix.

[Sam Morril]

That's like a Wayne's World car.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And then I found out I got. And it was like, a hundred and four thousand. It was gorgeous.

[Mark Normand]

That color's awesome.

[Doug Stanhope]

Pristine.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Is that your. Which one? Can we find Doug's actual car? You think there's a photo out there?

[Doug Stanhope]

If you put in Stanhope AMC Pacer, I bet you find it because I. I had to resell it.

[Sam Morril]

I think that's the Wayne's World car, if I'm not mistaken.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it looks like it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

No, it is the liquor.

[Mark Normand]

You have any gray Poupon?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, I think it was called Adobe Seats. I was some kind of Aztec adobe. There you go.

[Sam Morril]

Is that it?

[Doug Stanhope]

First one.

[Sam Morril]

Holy. Look at that. That's a cool car.

[Mark Normand]

Cool car, though.

[Sam Morril]

It is pretty cool. What'd they make? Ten of those? I mean, that went in and out his.

[Doug Stanhope]

Junior, stop. Go.

[Sam Morril]

He's funny.

[Doug Stanhope]

I fucking love Junior.

[Mark Normand]

Do you guys. You guys tour together, right?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, we do. I'm gonna start touring with Andy andrust. Andy's like, we're revamping our podcast with him. He had his own podcast issues with Andy, and I had my own. I'm like, why are we doing this separately? Like, he got burned out on his. And mine needed him, and we should be touring together. I got to a place where I didn't want to tour. I haven't in almost a year and a half.

[Sam Morril]

You got enough money for that to not tour?

[Doug Stanhope]

Not when I'm doing the shit I've been doing. Like, I've been bleeding cash. Like, I'm making money, but I'm not.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm like. But if I could go back and tour the stuff I like doing. I mean, I know the, like the. Whatever the. The ballparks with Bert Kreischer and stuff.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's just not my thing. I hate it.

[Mark Normand]

Like, did he hit you up about that?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yes, one time. And I just.

[Mark Normand]

I'm sure he's a huge fan, you know?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, he loves you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, no, he's great. I went to. I went to one of his shows. We haven't. This podcast has still not been edited, and I'm saying that with contempt. Attempt at my editor. He did get Ukraine out. He's working on the slab city. But over a year ago, we went to a road trip. He was playing my hometown and my best friend from when I was a kid. Chris O'Connor. Not the comic. Yeah, I hate to that. All right. Don't get off track, brain. Yeah, we went. He emailed me, and he goes, hey, your buddy Burt Kreisch is playing at this. What was used to be the Centrum, where we used to sleep out. We slept out. Me and Chris O'Connor slept out two nights in the winter in February to get you two tickets.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

We weren't even that big of fans. We just thought it was cool to sleep out for tickets. So he's playing at this place, and my wife is. She's the. Whatever, organizer for the thing. Put in a good word for me so he knows I'm cool.

[Sam Morril]

School.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I go, okie is going back to the. So I packed up the kids, the cameraman, and the wife, and we were like, all right, I'm gonna get us in. I'll go backstage. I went on stage. I opened the show as the mayor of Worcester. I found out what his name was. Nobody knows who the mayor of their town is as the mayor. They introduced me as a mayor. And. And I went to a point where, like, Bert had to go out at the end. And, like, by the way, that was not the mayor. He could have gotten sued for the shit I was saying. You know what? I had that. Thanks for voting me back into office. I had the thing where. Yeah, drunk driving. Who has it? And if I was sober, I would have killed that kid. Anyway, he came out of nowhere on that tricycle stabilization. And, like, a few people know who I am, and most of them don't. They don't know me from the mayor. And we did this whole podcast, filmed it, and it took Chris O'Connor and I went on a tour of all the places that we vandalized as kids. And we were the worst evil children and places that we used to have. There you go.

[Sam Morril]

I'm listening.

[Doug Stanhope]

I know. That's the light.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, you're from Wisconsin?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Okay, so. So we did this whole trip back home and then. And I'm like, get that out before. This was December of, you know, 03. And I'm like, get it out before March so it looks timely.

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Doug Stanhope]

It's winter and he still hasn't got it out. And then Okie died. My age, he dies of a heart attack randomly.

[Sam Morril]

Sorry.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like, you gotta. He still hasn't cut the thing out.

[Sam Morril]

We gotta get this footage out. We gotta hire fire a queef to.

[Doug Stanhope]

He does great. Have you seen the Ukraine stuff?

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Doug Stanhope]

We went to the Ukraine. Me and Andy went to Ukraine. I got fired on the Russians.

[Mark Normand]

What? Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Pull that up.

[Doug Stanhope]

The biggest piece of machinery in the. In the. There you go.

[Sam Morril]

What the hell? How do I not know about this?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know about this.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's what I said. My unlisted algorithm.

[Sam Morril]

This is 55k. This should be viral. Viral. How was the crap?

[Mark Normand]

Was this October? Is it a gun?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like fun. Wow. People say I like to travel and they don't. They like to go to new places and meet new people. I don't like that. Do you like a 20 ounce flight from Arizona? No. You hate that part. I love it. I take Xanax, I drink, I sleep like a kitten. You complain about the travel part. You want to go, oh, I want to see the cathedral. The cathedral. I want to just get out. I was in Donbas. There is no better place to want to get them down and travel then. 11 hours on a train is beautiful.

[Sam Morril]

I gotta watch. I'm gonna watch this tonight.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. It's two parts, but the way you had to capitulate and cut out the baby dick sucking. I'm guessing it's a mole with the herpes and the baby dick sucking.

[Mark Normand]

No, the joke was my friend. My friend had a baby. So I text her, congrats. And she sent me a picture of her breastfeeding the baby. And I wrote, oh, okay. And she. She wrote, sorry if that's the equivalent of like a dick pic. And I was like, I think it'd be way worse if I sent you a picture of a baby sucking movie.

[Sam Morril]

That was a joke.

[Mark Normand]

That was my opener. Yeah, well, now I get it back for the next.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

When they said that, I was like, cool, I'll get the joke back.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

But for this, we put it out on Patreon uncut for a week, and then they're fucking our guy. That got us into the front lines. This was not a sanctioned fucking thing. This was not like, hey, would you like to come over? And I get a call from the New York Times reporter. Call a fucking. An email. And she goes, hey, I did a story on Ukraine standup comedy during the war, and every single one of them said that you are, like, revered over there. Would you ever consider going over there? Like, just not. She wasn't. They weren't paying for it, but she just. In passing, you know, like, I didn't know I could go over there. I didn't know you could just go to war. I'm like, why didn't you tell me that earlier? I would have been there.

[Mark Normand]

Louie was booked there the Friday at.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's right, cancel. I know, I. Because I had been talking to a couple guys. Guys over there that are fans since the. The. The most recent part of the war started, because it's been going on for. Since 2014.

[Sam Morril]

Jesus.

[Doug Stanhope]

And so, yeah, this. So I go, yeah, go. So, hey, pack up the.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

How are the crowds?

[Doug Stanhope]

We're flying coach. Well, no, I just went to meet the comic.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like, I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

We were doing a set there.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, it was open mike. They set up a whole thing. You'll see it in the.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

They set them all up. Like the one comedian I. I know that I've been emailing with, he set it all up. He's great. Vasil Baiduk. And he's well known over there, too. And he set it up and he had this duo that. From Eurovision, they had the number one pop hit going on. So he wouldn't tell people all the comics why they're coming to open mic. He just. You have to be there. So they come out and they think, oh, this is the surprise that they're gonna do their number one hit at the end of the.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

And then they introduce me.

[Mark Normand]

That's.

[Doug Stanhope]

So. Yeah, the language barrier. I was doing a couple of small bits, but, yeah, it's no. No point. And then. But hung out all night a couple of times and. But then we got to the front because of that. Because guy. And they said when they saw us firing that hyacinth on. Yeah, we assume on the Russians, we don't know. Oh, my God, just pulled this and put on your ear things. And they don't.

[Sam Morril]

I assume they can drink over There in Donbas, it's.

[Doug Stanhope]

They said alcohol is more illegal than even cocaine.

[Sam Morril]

Come on.

[Doug Stanhope]

Because they. Well, because they get hammered. They're at war, and they're huge underdogs.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Doug Stanhope]

So, yeah, it was. I. I was drinking.

[Mark Normand]

Kind of like Davidson versus Duke here. This is a tough, tough match.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

The Cinderella story.

[Doug Stanhope]

So they asked us. They said it's. I guess it's, like, hugely illegal, probably on an international level, to let civilians come over and just randomly fire the biggest gun in their artillery.

[Mark Normand]

Was it fun as hell to fire that thing?

[Doug Stanhope]

I didn't know I was going to do it. I had brought. They do auctions, and this is what Vasil had told me, that most of the shows that they do are. They do auctions at the end to support the military, like, financially. They're paying for that fucking missile that I fired. Artillery shell. So when I knew there was doing auctions, I brought my mother's ashes, a vial of my mother's ashes, because I couldn't sell those on ebay here. I tried to. Do I get the mother. I don't give a. They're ashes. It's nothing.

[Sam Morril]

Sure.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I try to sell them on ebay to benefit the. Not the aspca, but Humane Society, because mother was a cat lady. All right. That's a great place. And within hours, it was going up, up. I'm like, holy. And then that's shut down. Not only is it against ebay terms of service, it's against federal law to sell remains, which is bullshit.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

When you say the word remains, it does sound worse.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's not like you're. Wet guts.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, wet guts.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I brought over a vintage ashtray with mother's ashes in it to sell an auction, which is addressed in the podcast. So then when we went to the front, the front lines, I still had Vasil said, save some. So they had me put ashes into the artillery, which they let us film that. They said, it doesn't even matter if I talk about firing the thing. They just can't show the actual me pulling the trigger.

[Mark Normand]

That's why it's all covered up.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And they. So I'm. I'm just standing back the whole time like, no, no. You put the ashes into the shell, and I'm smoking. I quit smoking a year and a half ago. I started smoking for Ukraine. Ukraine. Doesn't matter.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, right.

[Doug Stanhope]

I come up to put the ashes in the shell, but I have a cigarette. My mother, like, no, no, no, no. Yes, sir. It's been a while.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And so then I step away again, and, like, no sign. The shell. So I wrote a mother's final flight. I think I wrote on the. On the shell. Then I walk away again. I'm. I don't. Like, I have an irrational fear of balloons, wounds, things that might pop, so. Artillery shells.

[Sam Morril]

Yo, I'm backing up.

[Doug Stanhope]

And they're like, no, no, no.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

Use your left hand, your right hand, but stay to the left.

[Sam Morril]

And whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

And then they're like, well, you can't show that part. So it's just. It's just that part. We actually. He actually figured out CGI to make us, like, cartoonish, just for the Pulling the trigger. And then it goes right back.

[Sam Morril]

You might have killed him guy.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, exactly. That's addressed in there, too. A guy.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe a platoon.

[Doug Stanhope]

School.

[Sam Morril]

Do I know a hospital?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Disgusting. Oh, there it is.

[Doug Stanhope]

I wasn't. I wasn't looking at the, you know, final outcome.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

I had no part in the war part. I was.

[Mark Normand]

You never know where your career is going to take you.

[Sam Morril]

That's true. Or your mom's ashes.

[Mark Normand]

This week I'm at Zany's. Next week, I'm killing Russians.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And Ukraine.

[Doug Stanhope]

Crazy. I was gonna say it could have been North Koreans, but that was before they got there.

[Sam Morril]

Good point.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Damn. You know Yoshi Yoshi, the.

[Doug Stanhope]

The comedian? He's got porn relations.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Doug Stanhope]

Kind of a comedian.

[Sam Morril]

No. Asian guy?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, he's a comedian now. He's like, oh, I'm going over there, too. Yoshi. Wow. God, you're quick.

[Mark Normand]

What's the story?

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, he. He said, oh, I'm going over there, too. And he jacked up Andy for the con, our connection. And so Vasil Sense sends a picture of him with Yoshi and God knows what. You know, the guys that, like. Yoshi's never done anything bad to us. But you go. I think he probably spins a lot of yarns to get into clubs. You know the guy that's. He's.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but that's not what I think of his net.

[Doug Stanhope]

But the point is, like, now hook.

[Mark Normand]

Up that recra train wreck Andy was.

[Doug Stanhope]

Saying, like, why would you go now that North Koreans.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, like, yeah, bad timing.

[Sam Morril]

Wasn't Zelensky a comic?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he did the Paddington sketch.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

He did the Paddington sketch?

[Sam Morril]

All right, that's different.

[Doug Stanhope]

He wasn't doing crowd work.

[Mark Normand]

He wasn't Matt Rife.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Exactly.

[Doug Stanhope]

How much do you think this is?

[Mark Normand]

Zelensky playing piano?

[Sam Morril]

94, 000 views. That's it. This is so weird. This guy's now running. What the. That's. That's not great humor.

[Mark Normand]

This is not great.

[Sam Morril]

All right, now I'm on Russia's side. What the hell?

[Doug Stanhope]

I said the night before we went to the front because we really had no idea what to expect from the minute I said yes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

That lady said I could go. Yeah, you can't even fly in there. We had to fly to Poland and then take. Hired a car to drive us in and then took the train back when we left. 15 hours. And not like a Amtrak. There's no dining car there. It's like.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, what's this?

[Mark Normand]

This is Ukrainian. I'm sorry. The Ukrainians are firing suicide drones.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, boy.

[Mark Normand]

At the North Koreans. And they just follow.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah. We get to do that, too.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

Not. Not kill people, but actually be controlling drones just to see what it's like. And it's. If you've done any VR, it's times like, I just ping pong the first time and fell over.

[Sam Morril]

Right. Oh, gee, jeez.

[Doug Stanhope]

So that was.

[Mark Normand]

Kill people from the comfort of your own home. It's pretty crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Cool. Fun times. Look at that. Yeah. Imagine if Rowan Atkinson ran England. You know, that's what that's like. Basically, Mr. Bean is the prime minister or whatever.

[Doug Stanhope]

That is hilarious.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Gorgeous thought.

[Sam Morril]

He's. He's unbelievable, that guy. He is so talented.

[Mark Normand]

I like him, dude.

[Doug Stanhope]

Will the wind, per Duke be so mighty as to lay low out of the air?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. That guy's incredible. What a talent. I watched him as a kid. My dad liked him, and he hates everything.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he. He had a moment over here, too.

[Sam Morril]

That's true. Yeah. All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

What Knows who he is.

[Sam Morril]

You doing stuff tonight? Are you taking it easy now?

[Doug Stanhope]

Unless you guys are.

[Mark Normand]

Come by the Cellar, man.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. You would never do. I don't.

[Sam Morril]

What about New York Comedy Club?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I'm gonna find a bar maybe between here and. Oh, my hotel does have a. A shitty bar.

[Sam Morril]

Where are you staying? This won't come out for a while three blocks away.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's a. I use points. It's a Voco or. Yeah, it's.

[Mark Normand]

We don't know.

[Doug Stanhope]

Property.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's.

[Mark Normand]

IHG is good, though.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you're doing Key west with Tom Dustin.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's a great.

[Mark Normand]

I got a friend. Joe List just made a documentary about Adam. It's incredible.

[Sam Morril]

It's really good.

[Doug Stanhope]

Because I. Does he still do the killing iguanas?

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

We want to film that for a podcast. Yes. All right. This actually brings me back to where I. I lost track where. The day before we went to the front, I said, like, if. If it got to a point where you had to kill. I go, I don't think I could kill Russians. Because I would think, hey, they don't want to be here.

[Sam Morril]

Like, right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like they're drafted. It was weird to be on that side of a war where any war. We were on their fucking backyard.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

So to think of it, where these guys get fucking drafted, I go, I don't think I could cut to you, Randy. Fucking got to fire next. And he did a full fucking Curly from the Three Stooges after it went off. Cause he fucked it up. He didn't pull it hard enough, so it kind of started a fire, but it didn't. And they're, like, hard. And he had to do it, like, three times. And then kaboom. And it's a flash that you have your eyes squinted. At least I do. It's like. And you can still see the bright orange light. And it's so, like, tremor. Like, if. If I hadn't shit my pants. Wow. And Andy does it and then goes out of there.

[Sam Morril]

That's. That's a bucket list.

[Doug Stanhope]

God damn it. See, now you put me right back on path. And now I lost myself.

[Sam Morril]

Key West.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yes. That's okay. I don't know if I could kill an iguana.

[Sam Morril]

You could do it.

[Doug Stanhope]

I know I would have a harder time. You probably killed a person than maybe killing a Russian.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, well, these are more.

[Doug Stanhope]

More people, by the way, for you guys listening. Iguanas are like rats down there. Rats just. They're pests, and they're a nuisance. You go when it's freezing out. The first time I went. And we've never killed a rat. Well, you would.

[Sam Morril]

If I would, I would kill a rat.

[Mark Normand]

You haven't killed, I think.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doesn't he do it with a trap?

[Mark Normand]

I guess.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he's got, like, a. An air gun.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, okay. I want to do it with a blow gun. Because I keep. I'm telling this story wrong, and now my version's more interesting. I'm packing a blow gun.

[Sam Morril]

There we go.

[Doug Stanhope]

I think if I could hit an iguana with a blow dart, that iguana had it coming.

[Sam Morril]

That word.

[Doug Stanhope]

Hated that iguana.

[Sam Morril]

Because if you got a straw, your mouth, you're gonna suck. Just from instinct, just from, like, habit. You're gonna swallow that dart, Doug.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Sam Morril]

But, yeah, Key west is awesome. You're gonna have a Blast.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that. Brisbane.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. There's no, there's no dates for these things.

[Mark Normand]

Are you gonna add Adelaide maybe or Perth or something too? Or you just.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I think, I think he's sticking with that. And he's, he's Australian, so he knows what's up.

[Sam Morril]

Hell yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And we don't really have acts yet because I, you know that special that came out, that was, that's pretty much it since the last time I toured Australia. So what I didn't put on in the special, I already worked out in Australia to decide. It's not going in this bet, so it's really the worst.

[Mark Normand]

But, but that's how it always is.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. There you go. That'll be. And you'll love that flight. It's nice and long. Long pop up zannies.

[Doug Stanhope]

Love it. Flying coach.

[Sam Morril]

You got any zannies on you, by the way?

[Doug Stanhope]

No. You know what? It's weird. I say, I, I thought. Should I bring these?

[Sam Morril]

Yes. And I can't sleep.

[Doug Stanhope]

All right. You don't. I guess. Yeah. You don't have a border here to have a connection.

[Sam Morril]

Good point. But yeah. All right, well, go see. That was a beauty. Great one, man. Go see Doug. He's the man. I'm sure you got a, a new hour because that's was shot two years ago. That other thing.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, I better, I'm going to have to. Yeah, we're going to Australia for a reason.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, good point. How do you put together an hour? You just go up and try ideas.

[Doug Stanhope]

That was good. Well, I, I, I write down. I, I, I wrote more in a notebook since I Woke up at 10:00am like, all right, this could work. Okay. This, that's why you should come by the Cellar here with you. Like, I'm going to go do this. I don't hang out with comics. I don't have comedy. There's no com. There's no comedy club within four hours of me.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I don't.

[Mark Normand]

There's one within 40 blocks of you tonight. You should come hang with less than that.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, no, I come here when it's a cash cow. I'm gonna do comedy. I'm gonna wait till it's tight.

[Sam Morril]

But you're sitting here talking about camaraderie and we're a group and a team, and then you're like, I don't hang out with comics. Hang out?

[Doug Stanhope]

No. Hang out with comic. I don't want to. Every time I go to the seller. Do you want to do his spot?

[Sam Morril]

I hear you. No, but you're one of the greats.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. They want you to go.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, that's how I stay that way. But I'm not failing miserably trying to do 10 minutes, which I don't have. I could do. I could do an hour and 15. Easier than 10.

[Sam Morril]

Good point.

[Mark Normand]

I hear that.

[Sam Morril]

Good point.

[Mark Normand]

I get that.

[Sam Morril]

All right. I don't want to force you. Remember you BB Kings years ago? You remember that show I went to?

[Doug Stanhope]

That one with the lady that wouldn't leave?

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

Again, I have no memory, except for the really awful shit. Yeah. There was a lady that was. Came as a guest of one of my good friends. Yes, she was. They worked in finance. I get fucking Morgan Stanley or some shit, and she just hated me up front and wouldn't leave. You were just talking about a lady like this who was on her phone the whole time. She hated you. But you said you did it, right. Was that you?

[Sam Morril]

I think it was probably a lady.

[Doug Stanhope]

She was on the right hand side of the stage.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And at the end, you go. By the way, you must.

[Mark Normand]

No, that was Ari. That was Ari.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, that was Ari.

[Mark Normand]

Ari Shafir.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But that happened to me recently too.

[Doug Stanhope]

But it was on your show.

[Mark Normand]

But Ari said, yeah, I mean, you. You didn't like me. And she was like, no. And he goes, but you didn't say anything. And I. I appreciate it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that is nice.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. The right answer was how the conversation started in that. Just leave.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

You walk out. Just, hey, it's not for me.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. It's not Iran.

[Doug Stanhope]

I do a lot of shit.

[Sam Morril]

You can drive home. It's fair.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I throw on movies all the time. Then I'm like, ah, that was bad. I don't make a stink of it. I'm just like something else. I guess that you did go out for this, but, like, that's true. I think people have gotten so used to just everything being for them.

[Sam Morril]

Curated.

[Mark Normand]

Your algorithm is curated for you. So when you go to a thing and take a risk that's almost foreign to people.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

Gonna ask you how much? Because the whole crowd work thing, that's ubiquitous. How much do you think that's empowering the fucking audience?

[Mark Normand]

I don't think it's.

[Doug Stanhope]

That they have a say.

[Sam Morril]

Interesting.

[Mark Normand]

I don't think it's that. I think it started before that. And I think. I think it started actually with COVID and people going back out and not knowing how to act anymore. I think it was like a combination of being obsessed with your phone and it feeding that and I think.

[Sam Morril]

I think people think. It's like you said before. They're like, I don't like this. So I should be able to say something. Because you can comment.

[Mark Normand]

Everything is made for that. You can tweet a date nap. It's like, no, no, no. It's so for you.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Anything you get, you don't like. You're just like, oh, Even if it's free.

[Sam Morril]

It's called a for you page.

[Mark Normand]

I know, but you get free shit. And you're like, ugh. And I'm like, that was locked in.

[Doug Stanhope]

An algorithm that you can't get out of. Not interest. I like, I. I don't know if don't show me this channel or not interested is. But they don't work.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

And you watched one thing once, and I. Can I stop this?

[Sam Morril]

I know, right? Yeah. Faces of Death still sends me.

[Doug Stanhope]

Faces of Death is like, that's. That's all these women butts.

[Mark Normand]

I'm like, gross.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm not. I'll. I'll say that off the. I don't even. Some things, you don't want to even give any.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. Don't do it.

[Doug Stanhope]

But there's one that a friend of mine sent me, was from Rumble or something.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, boy.

[Doug Stanhope]

And now. That was, like, months ago. And I watched maybe 10 minutes. I'm like, I can't do this. I was a kid. Faces of Death. And now that it's all real. I know, but, like, oh, no, I can't. And, like, it tortured me forever, really. And now people are catching on because it got to other sites.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, boy. Can you give us a hint of what you saw?

[Doug Stanhope]

India.

[Sam Morril]

That's all I needed. India.

[Doug Stanhope]

And I'm in it because I had to fucking on my last special about Indian gang rape, and they just took the most racist parts of what I did. You have to. If you're gonna be, like, racist or whatever, you have to do it quickly and have the oh, that makes it okay part come right away. You can't make them wait for 8, 10 minutes for the. Oh, now I see what he was doing.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Has eight or ten minutes.

[Sam Morril]

No, no. Tell that to Kramer when he did his set. You know, he would have gotten it quick and easy and got out. That would have worked.

[Mark Normand]

It does feel like. Instead of, like, it feels like speed dating. It's like, all right, get to it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

With everything. But you're like, but this. I worked on this bit. I crafted this. I spent a lot of time making this the way it is, and I don't want to give it away. That.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Well, that's how much money I have to get back to your point is where I'll just keep doing what I'm doing as long as I can pay for three cheap seats to Warsaw to get to Ukraine and stay at a holiday in.

[Sam Morril]

Then you're good.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. I want to break even and I want to go back to playing gigs that I love to do, which are small hole. Like the one nighter. I've never played Asbury Lanes. Is that still a thing? I'm sure that's one of those gigs I'd love, but my. My own. I just go, hey, let's go, me and Andy, let's go have fun like we used to and not give a about the money. I love it where people are just happy you showed up.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. Here, here. Go see Doug on the road.

[Mark Normand]

Great comic, man.

[Sam Morril]

One of the greats.

[Mark Normand]

Really happy.

[Doug Stanhope]

We.

[Mark Normand]

We wanted you here for so long.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Awesome, man.

[Sam Morril]

Check out his.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm not gonna forget the bodega.

[Mark Normand]

Don't take it.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you better take it, baby. It's an honor promo code.

[Doug Stanhope]

Stanhope buy bodega. Stanhope.

[Sam Morril]

There it is.

[Mark Normand]

Now just add this at the end.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Bill Maher threw you out of his house in 95.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And I was nobody. Obviously, I'm still nobody, but I was like really like nobody. And someone go, hey, there's a party at Bill Maher's house. Someone I had just moved to LA. Maybe 96, 95. 96. Had to be 96 because it's 4th of July. And she's like, hey, there's a party if you want to go and crash it. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I would do everything when I was.

[Sam Morril]

Young and it's free booze and he's a comic.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. And I show up and it's all like just one of those industry parties where it's still kind of daylight. And everyone's like, no one's really talking. And if they are, it's industry talking to industry. And you hope, oh, Jeff Cesario's here, but I'm 19 and he's still 60. And so at some point I drink enough of their free booze that I fucking. I used to get naked all the time. That's why it's like when Louis pulled his dick out in front of people. I've had so many people have seen my dick. If there was a class action lawsuit, you couldn't pass out enough fucking mailers. So I just jump in their pool naked.

[Sam Morril]

Kid yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And like, they're like, I thought, hey, come on, I'll start the party. And nothing. And then he cut. He's not even at the party. He's upstairs. And then he comes down like, not Rocky Balboa, but the, the, his opponent, Apollo Creed. He comes down wearing a Fourth of July top hat. And he. This is like politically incorrect phrase. But he comes down and he's just Hugh Hefnering. But as a troll. He's always been a troll. And he's just grown into it so horrifically. I remember seeing an episode of him making fun of Kim Jong Un's fucking hair. And you go look in the fucking mirror. You have a fucking helmet of this ridiculous bulbous nose. You're a fucking note. And I, I'm not a person to bucket point fingers at awkward heads.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Doug Stanhope]

It takes one to no one. He comes down and now, oh, the party starts down every Bill Mars coming down his staircase. And then he jumps in the fucking pool. Then everyone's jumping in the fucking pool. And this one girl who was. I'm not being Fonzie, and I'm not sure of a Sweden or Switzerland, but she was a Swedish. Swedish flight attendant. Oh, like, that's a very Fonzie thing.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

So I'm just hanging out with her at the other end of the pool. And you know, LA, 4th of July, you know, sun goes. It gets cold.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

So we get out of the pool when it's finally wrapping up and I'm freezing. So I'm with her and we go racing. Let's jump in a hot shower. So jumping as shower. And he's. It's, it's not like he only has one. Yeah, but he found us in the shower. Hey, there's no shower scenes in my house. Let's wrap it up.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Doug Stanhope]

Because she was one of the only chicks left. You didn't like that hot shower with her? We weren't even like, close to around.

[Sam Morril]

Come on.

[Doug Stanhope]

Literally freezing.

[Sam Morril]

No, no.

[Doug Stanhope]

I would have her for sure, but she wasn't throwing off that kind of body. Kind of like, no, we don't belong long here. We both had that in common. It doesn't lead to. Well, if I, Again, if I, if I had game that night, if I would have.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Doug Stanhope]

But then, so I had to leave and it, it was when I first moved to la, so my manager was trying to get me on Politically Incorrect because it was kind of suitable for me. And I'm like, yeah, that's over now. So. So I, I, I, I Made mailed letter to Bill Maher with a key to my apartment at 1204 North Curzon, apartment 9. Here's a key to my apartment. Feel free to show up anytime you want. Come in, drink all my booze and fuck up my stuff and use the shower.

[Sam Morril]

Doug. Stan, I'm not going to your apartment. Okay.

[Doug Stanhope]

God damn it. That guy was great.

[Sam Morril]

He's great. Doug Donegan.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Sorry. There's a million shout outs that I wanted to make on this and I didn't get to all of them, but that was nice because I've heard the name a million times. But to see that. And then it was so confusing when he would like. Are you playing Bill Maher on the screen or is he doing it?

[Sam Morril]

He's doing it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Exact.

[Sam Morril]

He's that good.

[Doug Stanhope]

Mike. What's his name? And Henry Phillips. Henry Judge. No, no, Mike. He's Mike McCray. He was the one who would be on Stern and could do a perfect. It's always great when they can do a perfect. Like a guy you don't know. Sorry. When you do that.

[Sam Morril]

I'm trying to get him to pull it up.

[Doug Stanhope]

Mitt Romney.

[Sam Morril]

Mitt Romney.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like, you almost voted for Mitt Romney because Mike McCray could do the. This. Like, how do you do someone who doesn't really.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Like anything, but he could do it.

[Mark Normand]

And just put in Mike McCray. Mitt Romney.

[Doug Stanhope]

So. So. So Mike McCray and Henry Phillips were on a podcast where he was doing Henry.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And it was not. It was back in the audio days.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

And you really couldn't tell who's talking to who. They're talking to each other.

[Sam Morril]

So that's crazy. Crazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I don't even know what Mitt Romney sounds like.

[Doug Stanhope]

This is Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts. Did you.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Did you hear the good news?

[Mark Normand]

I was endorsed by none other than corpulent New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. I tell you, I'm so happy I.

[Doug Stanhope]

Could do a little jig.

[Mark Normand]

Well, hey, Jimmy, I might just put.

[Doug Stanhope]

On some hippity hop music that the.

[Mark Normand]

Kids love and bump fuzzy.

[Doug Stanhope]

The problem is no one remembers what Mitt Romney sounds like, so you can't do them, but to hear them back.

[Mark Normand]

Pull up Von Meter doing jfk. I'm kidding.

[Sam Morril]

Vaughn Meter. Nice. Damn. All right, well, hey, there you go.

[Doug Stanhope]

Let me go get my. Oh, I get my bodega cat. That's all I came for. Hey, my special discount meat is free on YouTube and this is the only podcast. Podcast that I am doing promotion for it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Doug Stanhope]

So it fails every click it doesn't get.

[Mark Normand]

It's already a success. So I saw it looks like it's already getting.

[Sam Morril]

It's over 200k or 300k. So you're cooking.

[Mark Normand]

You're cooking, man. It's gonna.

[Doug Stanhope]

You know what? I didn't know people give you money on YouTube comments.

[Sam Morril]

Is that right?

[Doug Stanhope]

Never read the comments. But then I'm like, yeah. Like, you go through the comments, and it's like you have, like, Czechoslovakia. I got like, a thousand Czechoslovakian nuggets or whatever they're called.

[Sam Morril]

Well, there you go. Check it out, folks.

[Doug Stanhope]

Two bucks. Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, two bucks. That's not coming out of us, I hope.

[Doug Stanhope]

Save your receipts.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you. Doug, you're the man. Appreciate you coming on. I know it's early.

[Doug Stanhope]

Thanks.

[Mark Normand]

And these are Sam's dates here. Oh, yeah. Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, dc, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, nola, Memphis, Knoxville. It goes on and on. Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. That's all February. So come the fuck out. And then I'm coming everywhere. So just go to. That's Tom Segura's tour. I'm coming. I'm so jealous of that tour name.

[Sam Morril]

Great name.

[Mark Normand]

I'm coming everywhere. That's great. Yeah, I got Providence, New Haven, Portsmouth, added a show. Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto.

[Doug Stanhope]

Buffalo Egg.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's a great.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm just looking at everything. Center hall.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Theater. And then the Egg. That's the one I would like.

[Mark Normand]

I love it.

[Sam Morril]

You would love the Egg.

[Mark Normand]

Well, do.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It goes on and on. But, like, if you don't see your tour, if you don't see your city there, I'm coming at some point. So.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Samuel.com shows or just follow us on Punch Up. Man, we got to get you on Punch Up, Doug.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

What's that?

[Mark Normand]

It's a. It's just a.

[Doug Stanhope]

Tell me off the air. Tried to close this, like, five times.

[Sam Morril]

No, I'm just saying I'm. I'm having a baby. So all my dates are scattered. I've taken off the road for a while. I'm pulling a Doug. I'm going to Ukraine, doing a give Funny Bone. Reno, Nashville, the Ryman and the Asheville, Thomas Wolf Auditorium. So those are the only thing I3 I got on the books. But we'll add more later and. Yeah, queef it up. Praise Allah. Go see Doug, check out his new special on YouTube for free. And, yeah, give him hell. Praise Allah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of piva wreck you know the fear Jew's close I've had a little too much burping and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like a Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way we might be true.