226: Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Might Be Drunk - Episode 226: Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir

Release Date: April 7, 2025
Produced by Gotham Production Studios, LLC

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Introduction

In Episode 226 of "We Might Be Drunk," hosts Sam Morril and Mark Normand are joined by the charismatic comedians Bert Kreischer and Ari Shaffir. As customary, the conversation weaves through personal anecdotes, insights into the comedy world, and the camaraderie that comes with sharing a drink or two in the vibrant backdrop of New York City.

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Navigating Comedy and Podcasting

Bert Kreischer kicks off the discussion by reflecting on the challenges of balancing content between podcasts and stand-up acts. He shares, "I said something super funny on Chris Decephano and Giannis Pappas's podcast about therapy. And as soon as I said it, I went, I should have saved that for my act" (00:09). This sentiment opens up a broader conversation about how comedians manage their material across different platforms. Sam Morril challenges Bert, asking, "Why can't you just use it in your act?" (00:25), highlighting the fluidity comedians often navigate between mediums.

Bert emphasizes his strength as a storyteller, contrasting it with the quick, joke-heavy format preferred by his hosts: "I'm a storyteller" (02:26). This distinction underscores the diverse approaches within the comedy scene and the adaptability required to succeed in both stand-up and podcasting.

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Personal Anecdotes and Comedic Inspirations

A significant portion of the episode delves into Bert's interactions with other comedians and celebrities. One standout story involves a chance encounter on a flight: Bert recounts meeting a male model who insisted on only drinking vodka due to his contract, prompting Bert to adopt Tito's vodka into his routine. He humorously notes, "And that day forward, I drank only Tito's" (04:53).

The conversation also touches on the influence of luck in comedy careers. Bert shares, "There is such a lucky moment where something really great happens to you, and then all of a sudden, it opens up the fucking world to you" (21:35). This leads to discussions about how unexpected events can catapult a comedian's career, emphasizing the unpredictable nature of the industry.

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Navigating Fame and Personal Relationships

Bert opens up about his personal life, particularly his marriage to Leanne Morgan. He humorously details their evolving relationship and Leanne's foray into more adventurous sexual experiences: "But we were in this wild phase right now. It's been really fun" (12:04). This candid conversation provides listeners with a glimpse into the dynamic lives of comedians beyond the stage.

The episode also explores the complexities of fame and recognition. Bert shares his experiences of being recognized in New York versus Paris, highlighting the differing cultural receptions: "New York's a weird place because they always check out Netflix" (29:34). These anecdotes underscore the varying impacts of fame in different locales.

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Insights into the Comedy Industry

The hosts and guests discuss the evolving landscape of stand-up comedy, particularly the integration of political and personal narratives into humor. Sam Morril remarks, "I don't like how political every standup has become" (51:32), reflecting a common sentiment among comedians who prefer to focus on universal themes rather than divisive topics.

Bert counters this by illustrating the balance between personal storytelling and joke-writing, noting how his specials prioritize rapid-fire humor to maintain audience engagement: "It's getting a laugh every 12 seconds" (85:03). This strategy emphasizes the importance of pacing and timing in crafting successful stand-up performances.

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Humor, Health, and Lifestyle Choices

Throughout the episode, the conversation frequently circles back to themes of alcohol consumption and its role in the comedians' lives. Bert shares his regimented approach to mitigating hangovers: "I drink every night. Minimum four liquid deaths right before bed" (35:06). This leads to a broader discussion about the cultural norms surrounding drinking in the comedy community and its impact on personal health.

Additionally, the speakers touch on various lifestyle choices that influence their comedic material and everyday lives, such as diet, exercise, and medical regimens. Mark Normand humorously links daily routines to comedic performance, saying, "I get my blood work every six months" (82:44), highlighting the intersection of personal well-being and professional life.

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Closing Remarks and Upcoming Projects

As the episode nears its conclusion, the hosts and guests excitedly discuss upcoming tours, specials, and collaborative projects. Bert promotes his Netflix special "Lucky," while Sam and Mark mention their active touring schedules across various cities. The camaraderie among the group is palpable, reinforcing the show's theme of friendship and shared experiences in the world of comedy.

Notable closing moments include lighthearted exchanges about future endeavors and humorous banter about their current state of inebriation: "You might be drunk. So am I" (157:36). These finales embody the show's relaxed and entertaining atmosphere, leaving listeners anticipating future episodes.

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Conclusion

Episode 226 of "We Might Be Drunk" offers a multifaceted look into the lives of comedians navigating the delicate balance between personal storytelling and joke-centric humor. Through engaging anecdotes, insightful discussions about the comedy industry's dynamics, and the enduring bonds of friendship, Sam Morril, Mark Normand, Bert Kreischer, and Ari Shaffir deliver a rich and entertaining conversation. Not only does this episode provide laughs, but it also delves into the deeper aspects of what it means to live and succeed as a comedian in today's world.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content segments to focus solely on the episode's substantive discussions.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

You can roll on this.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, roll it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's my problem. I said something super funny on Chris Decephano and Giannis Pappas's podcast about therapy. And as soon as I said it, I went, I should have saved that for my act. That's the only problem I have is like, I should.

[Sam Morril]

Why can't you just use it in your act?

[Mark Norman]

You can do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, buddy. I had a joke about I had.

[Sam Morril]

Pod to a special. No, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Cuz your special's special should be stuff.

[Sam Morril]

You can add to it, you can hone it, you can make it big.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can. Maybe you can build to it. But like, I had a joke. I told Tom a joke one time that it made him laugh so hard that I went, I'm going to use that. My act. It was. I took a. In Japan. So a big one time. The guy installed next to me threw up and it's true story. And he threw up and he. It was in Japan. So I thought he was talking to me. So he was like. And so Tom laughed hysterically.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wanted to open my special one. Hey, big boy. Or Razzle dazzle. Hey, big boy. I wanted to open it with it. I wanted to open with that joke.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was opening with that. And this is what was happening in the audience because they heard it on the pod. You heard it a joke special because you hear it that one time. And so I changed it to a joke that happened with Ari the week before he drugged me was I took a shit in a gender neutral bathroom that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. She was like, fuck, you guys need separate rooms. And so. But like. But it says funny, but it's not.

[Sam Morril]

As good as the two joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love jokes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. See, we're lucky because no one listens to this, so we can just repeat ours.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it was good to see you guys. Hey, check out my special Lucky streaming right now on Netflix.

[Mark Norman]

It's cooking. You're in the top 10, baby. I watched it. You come out swinging. I mean, it's blowjob right out of the gate. Yeah, it's. It's the opposite of Annette.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know how I.

[Mark Norman]

Well, same body.

[Sam Morril]

Most specials is the opposite of Nanette.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

She still has one of my favorite jokes. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, I got riped. I got that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is why you guys are great podcasters, is that you're so quick. It's why you also can do crowd work, because your crowd work's just Topical shit you throw away. Anyway, that's why you guys are so good, is you're just quick and funny and you're always writing someone like me, and this is why I have a hard time on some podcasts and on, like, Roast is. I'm a storyteller.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I have to tell you, the thing that happened to me, you know.

[Mark Norman]

Like, so it's, like, personal.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm personal. And. Yeah. So. But, God, that was funny.

[Mark Norman]

Your people want you. They want your life. I don't know if they want mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do.

[Mark Norman]

I don't even know if I want mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brand new kid. Are you kidding me?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I got some kid stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you like? I think the best compliment I ever got was I posted a video of Leanne pulling. What do we have? Bladder infections.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, we heard you. We heard you wanted cranberry. We wanted grapefruit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I can't do grapefruit because I'm on blood pressure medicine.

[Sam Morril]

Might be a sign that you should slow down the drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. No blood pressure medicine.

[Mark Norman]

You can have poison.

[Bert Kreischer]

Grapefruit.

[Mark Norman]

Grapefruit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Grapefruit counteracts with medications.

[Mark Norman]

Is that right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So you can't.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't take medications and grapefruit.

[Mark Norman]

That's going to kill my Blue Chew.

[Bert Kreischer]

Definitely don't do that. Wait, are you on a Bluetooth? For real?

[Mark Norman]

Wait, is it bad for your heart?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we're good.

[Mark Norman]

All right. Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. What was I just saying? Oh, I posted a video. Leanne and I, right after the cruise. We went to. We went. What did you say?

[Mark Norman]

What is this shit?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's grapefruit. Oh, shut the fuck up. Let's drink some bodega Cat.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, sorry, Sorry. You were saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hey, listen, can I tell you, we got approached by Whiskey first, and my initial thing was they already got bodega caffeine.

[Sam Morril]

You and Tom both told me that. Yeah, appreciate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. You guys, it's like, why would you compete with a friend when you're. You can do something that no one's doing?

[Sam Morril]

You hear that? Gaffigan is Gaffigan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got a whiskey. What's it called? Seven. Seven Children.

[Sam Morril]

It's called Father Time. It's a good name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, solid.

[Mark Norman]

But you're a vodka guy. Anyway, let me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me tell you a story. I sat on a plane next to a fucking beautiful man one time. I'm leaving Philly and early flight, hungover, and the lady comes up, she goes, can I get you a drink? And I said, heineken in the can. No glass. Just a can, please. She goes, okay, I'm very specific about my cocktails. She says, sir, can I get you a drink? And he goes, oh, I wouldn't mind something. He goes, double Tito's and soda, please. And I went, ooh, vodka. This early? And he went, it's in my contract. I went, what? And he goes, I'm a male model, so the only thing I'm contracted, label able to drink is vodka because it doesn't bloat you, keeps you skinny.

[Mark Norman]

Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I went. I said, ma'am, can I change mine to a double Tito's and soda? And that day forward, I drank only Tito's.

[Mark Norman]

Well, how do you explain the bloat?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I guess it doesn't work for everybody.

[Mark Norman]

Why did. He's not being shot there?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was going to a shoot or something.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I. I heard that conversation. I had that conversation. And I went. I went, all right, I'm a vodka guy. And then that year, Flying first is.

[Sam Morril]

Doing pretty well too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude, he was gorgeous. His name was Tad.

[Mark Norman]

Tad. Holy shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, you know the kind of face where you go, do you need to shave? That's the perfect color skin.

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just perfectly tan with a great jawline.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man. Must be nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Tad, you want to hear another good story?

[Mark Norman]

Sure. I hope it's better than that one.

[Sam Morril]

That one was a tad gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never mind. You guys go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mark Norman]

Gay guys are the only ones looking at male models. I don't think women are even looking at male models. You never see a woman with, like, a model poster on their wall, do you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Same thing with big dicks. Women don't care about big dicks. We care about big dicks.

[Mark Norman]

Thank God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I only want a big dick to show other men.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, good point. Or like Chris Evans, you want it to leak. There was all these big dick guys just happen to have their dicks leaked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brad Pitt. Do you remember Brad Pitt's dick and heat? Brad Pitt's got a thog.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

A thug?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What does that mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

A fog. It's like a fog. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, I didn't know this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Look at Brad.

[Mark Norman]

That's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, that's good, but you gotta remember six'three six one. Is he six one, six two? Look, he's always.

[Mark Norman]

Wait a minute. I don't know if that's a thug.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's better than mine.

[Mark Norman]

No, I've seen your dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me zoom In Pull up my dick.

[Sam Morril]

This is getting pretty gay. That I'm telling you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull up my dick.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know if that's that on the right.

[Sam Morril]

He looks pretty good.

[Mark Norman]

That's not in the right home.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's not hard. It's not hard.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. It's not hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, go to. Who's married to Katy Perry? I love that.

[Sam Morril]

We're not even drunk yet. And we're like, let's look at pictures of dudes next.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's Katy Perry? Katy Perry? No. Orlando Blooms. Dick's pretty nice.

[Mark Norman]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Paddle boarding, naked in the ocean.

[Mark Norman]

Pull it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen this a lot.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy. See? Men. No dicks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

All right. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a good dick.

[Mark Norman]

Why is it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But why uncut?

[Mark Norman]

That's pretty soft.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, now type in Bert Chrysler uncut gem.

[Mark Norman]

Interesting. Uncut is wild to put out in the sun, but it's got a little hood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go to images.

[Mark Norman]

Not gonna get unburned.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, far left. Far left.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I remember this photo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, I see that now. That looks way better.

[Bert Kreischer]

So here's the deal. So I got really turned on to. They call them meat prints.

[Sam Morril]

Is this like a Hollywood Walk of Fame star before your dick?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, this is. Look, my brain is not like your brains, okay? So the way I see marketing sometimes is a little different. So I was following dudes who had big dicks and were doing posts about nothing. Yeah, but you saw their dick in their pants. And then I would be like, every video, you'd see his dick in his pants. And. And I was like, and. And it's called meat prints. So I was like, dude, I'm gonna start putting in meat prints. So I posted a picture. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, ham meat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Prince John Ham has a hog.

[Mark Norman]

That's a hog.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. You can see the head of his dick in that.

[Mark Norman]

And it's. It's wide.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So. So, like, if I ever took a gym picture, right, I'd always make sure that my dick was a little hard and it was in the pants so that people go, you look great. And then a couple guy goes, look at his dick.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then you get the comments running. They're like, dude, look at this hog.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then this one, I was like. I was like, let's just do straight up dick.

[Mark Norman]

Did you chub at all or is that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost rock hard. It's almost rock hard.

[Mark Norman]

Smart. Smart move.

[Bert Kreischer]

And people are like, dude, we get it. You lost weight. I go, you're missing the pick.

[Sam Morril]

If you were near playground, you'd be banned for that, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

The sad thing is, my daughters are on my Instagram. Dude, we posted a video the other day of Leigh Ann explaining how her sex toy works. And Isla was like. Isla was like, dad, never post that again. Seriously, dad, I'm on your Instagram.

[Sam Morril]

What kind of sex toy?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's from this place called Woo. Woo. More Play.

[Mark Norman]

Woo. More Play. Sounds like my Asian ex.

[Bert Kreischer]

Woo. More Play. Yeah, go to that website. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one with the heart. That one. Yeah. And so Leanne never used a toy in her whole fucking life, right? Never used a toy, never would. Never. I mean, I'm speaking a little out of school, but, like, she was very meat and potatoes. Like, just. You had sex. That was it. Nothing came into the room. Nothing. Like, nothing wild.

[Mark Norman]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she got on testosterone. I talk about the special, and, man, she turned into a whore. And she. And started listening to other women talk about shit they liked. And she said, let's try that. And there's a woman named Bostic, Michael. And I'm sorry, I can't remember her name right now. Bostic is her last name. And she sent Leanne this and said, try this and then try their. Their lube is like, crazy good because it's. It's coconut oil based, so it smells great. And it doesn't. It's not like a lube. Lube feels like horror gel, you know? Like. Like you're like. You can't ever have put too much lube on your hand and you can't jerk off. You can't feel it. Yeah. And you're, like, slippery. Yeah. And you're like, I feel like a dolphin swimming.

[Mark Norman]

Like.

[Sam Morril]

And Cully Culkin could use this in Home alone to trip him up. You know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Lube is gross.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, and you feel like you just fucked a whore and you're like, ugh.

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

But this Woo Shit that they have is like, is. It smells great. And then it's like, it's amazing. It's also edible.

[Mark Norman]

What does that do? Does that put on the clit, I assume?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. No. God damn it. So this is what the video is about. Our friends. Leanne got all her friends 1. And her friend tried to put her husband's dick through that.

[Mark Norman]

Ooh.

[Bert Kreischer]

She didn't know how it worked.

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He must have a weird shaped cock. What the hell?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's Asian. Woo. That's just true.

[Sam Morril]

Woohoo.

[Mark Norman]

Hand job. Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll need Another cocktail.

[Mark Norman]

I'm learning a lot here. This is. I'll get the wife one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you, man, Leanne got into this, like, very adventurous sexual phase of her life.

[Mark Norman]

I saw that, the Superdome. She would not leave you alone. You guys went in the bathroom like, three times.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is. She is. I don't know, man. It's like. I don't know what happened to her. It's like. It's like being married to a different person.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm very happy now. Like, I was always happy, but. But I didn't know you couldn't order anything other than a cheeseburger. Right? And I was like, cool. I like cheeseburgers. Everyone likes cheeseburgers. Sure. I look at fucking Turducken, and I'm like, that would be fucking all amazing, right?

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I was like, I got cheeseburger. I always order cheeseburger. Yeah. And then one day she was like, yo, you ever put peanut butter on a cheeseburger? And I was like, okay, right?

[Mark Norman]

Try it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, that's fucking good. And she was like, yo, fuck the cheeseburger. Let's get pizza. And I was like, okay, I'm in. And so we're in this, like, wild phase right now. It's been really fun. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Well, it's weird. God set it up so strange because we're horny as shit at 19 to 28, and then women aren't that horny, and then they're horny as shit from, like, 39 to 52.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And then. So that's why I always like cougars.

[Sam Morril]

When I want to fuck the 19 year olds.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. They're fudgeing all the students in Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

But, yeah, I was. Went after Cougar because they were like, a guy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. They're getting fucked on the banned books in Florida.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

People go, if Leanne died, would you marry, like, a young girl? Girl? And I went, no. I go right back to where I was. Perimenopausal is the best.

[Mark Norman]

The bad. You can shoot all in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, I'm attracted to, like, all our peers, all our female comics that are perimenopausal. I go like, I bet.

[Sam Morril]

Like, give me a name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sarah. I bet Sarah's wolf.

[Sam Morril]

Sarah Silverman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sarah Chelsea.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Mark Norman]

Leanne Morgan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Shut the up, Ms. Pat.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I tried, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sarah's hot as fuck.

[Mark Norman]

Like, she's a very attractive lady.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Sarah's gorgeous.

[Mark Norman]

She doesn't age.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. It's so funny. As she came and did the Podcast or maybe my cooking show. And her and Leanne just started. Went immediately into menopause Talk. Going through menopause now.

[Mark Norman]

What does that. No period. No kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

No period. But you kind of turn into a dude a little bit.

[Mark Norman]

I like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You like. You. Your testosterone ups up and you like. It's like, real. Not real. I should rephrase that. But women start really achieving when they hit menopause. That's when they get, like, their. That's when they get their, like, second wind and become like, gangsters.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Martha Stewart, menopause, Boom.

[Mark Norman]

Good point.

[Sam Morril]

She's still rocking, too. She's like, in her 80s. She looks amazing.

[Mark Norman]

She looks great, dude. You know, she. And she'll make you a hell of a sandwich after.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, but she won't eat it in bed.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's true. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. We get up and we put on a shirt if we're gonna eat a sandwich. Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

[Mark Norman]

Also, she's been to jail, so she's kind of like. She's dirty.

[Sam Morril]

An edge.

[Mark Norman]

She's got an edge. Yeah, exactly. She was scissoring in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think? The hottest? Oldest.

[Mark Norman]

Betty.

[Bert Kreischer]

White ethnicity.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, well, JLO is cooking at 52 or whatever. She looks great.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, a little. A little color definitely helps you not crack.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Irish looks like a fucking dry foot.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Old potato.

[Sam Morril]

There's a destiny on their face.

[Mark Norman]

Son. Daughter over there. Yeah, but that's got to be tough. I think Ben Affleck's kid is trans as well.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah?

[Mark Norman]

What's going on in la, Bert? Tell us. Your kids are not trans, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they're not.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're not on Rogan.

[Mark Norman]

Looks like Adam Friedland.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I don't know. He put the picture up.

[Sam Morril]

That's not Ben Affleck's kid, though. It's her kid. Is it?

[Mark Norman]

I mean, his is trans as well.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is why I say shut the fuck up about that. Right. I say this to you as my friend. Don't you want to meet Ben Affleck and him to go like, hey, dude, I fucking. You're awesome.

[Mark Norman]

I didn't say anything bad. Just said his kid is true. Which is the fact.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No, his kid's trash.

[Sam Morril]

It was an observation. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, observation.

[Mark Norman]

Jersey Girl was bad, you know, But.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think the town.

[Sam Morril]

The town was good, though.

[Mark Norman]

Town was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Town was fucking. The town was great, bro. I watched that on repeat where he goes, I'm going to ask you to do something. I Can have no questions, but it's going to involve some crimes. We're going to maybe kill someone. Are you in? He goes, whose car are we taking?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, shut the up.

[Sam Morril]

Jeremy Renner get you hyped up. God, Jeremy Renner.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you if I. Okay, I know there's people that clip out everything from every podcast in the world. Can. And I know you probably hate me. Can you just do me a favor and clip out all the best scenes from every movie like this and let me watch them so I get pumped the up.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like when they used to. Remember at sporting events, they used to do that where they would, like. They'd be like. It would be like Peter Finch from network, and he'd be like, I want you to stand up and I want you to yell and be like, let's go, Mets, let's go. But it would get you. They'd get you the Hoosier scene where they're just like, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. What that great team.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you play for USA Fuck up.

[Mark Norman]

How about that great scene where Jeremy Renner gets hit by the snowplow? All right.

[Sam Morril]

Don't you want to meet him one day and have a st. Shut up, Salus, you copycat.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy because, like, I've definitely done that where I've talked about people and I've done. I've done it wildly, and then they've approached me about it and been like, who?

[Sam Morril]

Give us a name.

[Mark Norman]

I'm surprised you don't want. You want to meet anybody after that. Sandler Meet. I mean, that was legendary.

[Bert Kreischer]

So bad. What happened, Sandler?

[Mark Norman]

You didn't see that? Oh, this is a classic.

[Sam Morril]

Who have you met, though, that before we. When we get to this, who have you met?

[Bert Kreischer]

Where?

[Sam Morril]

It's been bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dax Shepherd.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was doing, you know, doing podcasts, and you're around and you're like. And like, Tom. Tom and I are doing a podcast, and he's like, yo, Dax Shepard got a new podcast. Number one podcast in the country. I was like, I fucked Dax Shepard. I just started trashing Dax Shepard. What? You're lecturing him in the fence all the time.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't say that guy. I just say, I got a trans kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know when you talk wild and you just drunk.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I just trash him. And I'm like. I'm like, dude, I don't know what I went off, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know when you. You know when your boy's, like, egging you on and you're like. And he's laughing. So you're like, I'll make him laugh hard.

[Mark Norman]

Right, Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then two things happen. Number one, I got a Dax Shepard shirt in the mail. Whoa.

[Mark Norman]

He sent a message, passive aggressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, it's like.

[Mark Norman]

A horse head in the bed.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then I gotta. Then, like, I don't talk to him for, like, I have big stuff coming out where I'm not do. I would love to have done his podcast. You know, like, the movie came out. I would love to have done his podcast. But, like, yo, I talked. It's like, you dig that you laid in the hole.

[Mark Norman]

You dig, right?

[Sam Morril]

You talk on the number one podcast, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Is it number one? Is it.

[Sam Morril]

That's what he just said.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was the number one podcast at the time. Oh, it was, like, so hot. And it still is a huge, like.

[Sam Morril]

You know who else sucks? Call her daddy Rogan.

[Mark Norman]

Good way to get on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. You see, Gavin Newsom, we know dudes that have trashed Rogan publicly that have even been on his podcast.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. They're doing it because they. They're bummed that he's not returning their call.

[Mark Norman]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They have no idea. He has seven numbers ago.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a. It's like a chick.

[Mark Norman]

Good point.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a chick who you're mad about and you're outside the window with a stereo. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She moved houses. Yeah. She didn't live in that house anymore. And you're out there. Why isn't she opening her window?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So then Dax says to me, so then I get a call, and they're like, yo, this happened with a couple bill I've trashed.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

I want to hear the other names.

[Mark Norman]

I know. I'm. I can't wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kevin Hart.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But not like a real trashing, but like, it's. It's. The whole name of the special is Lucky. And it's because I got.

[Sam Morril]

At the end, you say, thanks, I'm Kevin Hart. No, that would be a horrible idea.

[Mark Norman]

Horrible idea. What a hack move.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. So stupid. So I would.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had a period of time where I was tired of hearing about people's hard work. I was like, yo, you can work your ass off. We all know guys who bust their ass every day. Every day, they show up to the club, they have new jokes, they're working their ass off, but they just haven't had the lucky break. The one thing you know, and everyone can identify, that lucky break is like, something really great happens to you, and then all of a sudden, it opens up the fucking world to you. And so. And Kevin Hart used to say, and by the way, Kevin, I'm already sorry for what I'm about to say.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Kevin Hart used to say, you know, I'm the hardest working man in comedy. I'm the hardest working man in comedy. And at a time, it was like. It was kind of, like, grating on my ears. So I was like, no, we all work hard, but you have had lucky breaks. I want to hear about. I just wanted to hear about the lucky break. I wanted to hear. Just tell me a lucky break so that. That gives me hope.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can believe in luck. Like, hard work. Dude. There's a dude digging a hole listening to this right now, going, yeah, I bust my ass every day. I can't catch a break.

[Sam Morril]

True.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like. And so an agent came up to me.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes, I heard what you said about Kevin Hart. You want to know his lucky break? I said, I would love to.

[Sam Morril]

He said he did Dax Shepard's podcast. I put him over the top.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, this is wild.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, kevin Hart. Kevin Hart did Soul playing.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It didn't do well. So he got put on timeout. Right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. You're not. You're not. Yeah. You hop off the carousel, and you got to wait till it goes around a couple times to get back on.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they have a movie called Fool's gold with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cat Williams is supposed to play the gangster in that. Cat Williams packs a gun in his luggage, and he gets arrested at the airport.

[Mark Norman]

Was that his regular gun or the movie gun?

[Bert Kreischer]

His regular gun.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Did he not know you're not supposed to do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Photography. Starting in a week, they already have wardrobe for a small black man. Oh, I want to hear that story. Tell me that story.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great story.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the story I can hang my hat on.

[Sam Morril]

You know, we need, like, James Belushi to, like, fucking get arrested for weed. And, like, Bert's stepping in, dude. According to Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

But every. Every comic. Every comic's got a vi. Lucky moment. A lucky moment.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good point.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it makes you go viral. And I'll do it for everyone. I'll do it for everyone if you want. But I can tell you burrs, you know, Burrs.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, the. The heckle thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Philly.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

If that for you, it's the machine 100% gaffing in the top pocket.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's that lucky moment. Mine was December 27th. A woman named Kristen Hodgson opened up an iPad she got for Christmas. Open up. Two days late, she uploads Facebook. The first video she sees is my machine story. And she writes, I was in Birch rushing class. I was on this trip. The story's 100% true. He fucking robbed us. Wow. Like, it's like you want to. This is how much I believe in luck. Like, okay, I'm on my sixth special, my fourth Netflix special. Yeah, maybe I don't do. Maybe I only do two. You know, secret time comes out. Does. Okay. Next one comes out. I'm like, I hope it does. Well, my special dropped March 17, 2020.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, the pandemic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bad home orders were March 14. If that's not fucking luck, I don't know what is good. If you don't identify your luck, then you're being disingenuous to the people.

[Sam Morril]

I had a similar thing happen. February 2020. My YouTube thing came out. Not a lot of YouTube specials existed at the time, so that gave me a nice little bump.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Same with you on the phone.

[Mark Norman]

Same with me. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember talking to you on the phone about it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Thank God for the pandemic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, thank God for luck.

[Sam Morril]

Nothing bad happened from that.

[Mark Norman]

No, no. But, yeah, you're right. There's always something. There's always a thing. Like, thank God with burrs, there was a camera rolling and by. Can you imagine?

[Bert Kreischer]

Camera.

[Mark Norman]

And it still worked.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it still worked.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jeffries, you ready?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, the punch. Pull up the punch. It was.

[Sam Morril]

Jim had, like, three. Jim also had the. The gun bid.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no.

[Mark Norman]

But that's a bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, that's a bit. That's a great bit. Jim Jeffries. Here's what's crazy. Brett Pinter. No, Andres. Andres Andre 3000. No, no. Brett is his. Andre's brother, and Brett's a manager in there.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so Brett was. Didn't. He knew how to edit. He knew how. He was Jim's manager, and he posted it on. Jim could have never posted that on MySpace. Jim's never used a fucking computer in his life. So, like, there's crazy luck that applies to life. And I feel if you identify your luck, you're that much smarter of a man. And don't. Don't sit there and go, I deserve this. No, no, I got lucky as fuck. I met a guy one time who was like, hey, Man, I'd love for you my podcast. I was like, yeah, I don't really know what podcasts are, but that would be cool. Joe Rogan.

[Mark Norman]

Dang.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on, man.

[Mark Norman]

Come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the are we talking about?

[Sam Morril]

Who's another guy that you. That you talk about that had to run into?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because Jack Shepard was the one? Yeah, Dax Shepard. I got a good one. I'm doing a podcast with a guy I trashed on Rogan.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah?

[Sam Morril]

Who?

[Bert Kreischer]

Gene Simmons. Oh, Dax Shepard came, and so, like, I would get texts or a thing. Kevin Hart wants you to be on his podcast. And I would be like, cool, because I know I kind of, like. I kind of made fun. Like, I would trash him for the hard work, but I was like, I know. We're cool. And I hung out with him at the Brady Roast. Yeah, we're fine. And we're totally fine.

[Mark Norman]

And it's cool that they have you on. It's what, one thing? They're like, him. I never want to see him again. But they're like, no, let's talk about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I get a text a couple times. Dax Shepard for two Bears. And I'm like, yeah. In my head, I go like, I hope so. I'd love to, you know, clear the air.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe he didn't hear it. So Dax Separate comes on two Bears. And I was like, hey, man, such a fan. He's like, oh, they're so similar, man. Like, so cool. He's like, yo, I have a tour bus at my house. I was like, no way. He's like, yeah. He's like, I see your tour bus. I was like, yeah. And we're clicking. We're clicking. And I was like, nice. Bring him into the fucking podcast house. And he's like, dude, this is great that you do this here, man. This is crazy. We get up. And I was like, dude, it's so good to have you. And he was like, why did you trash me?

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm like, he had it really in it, but, yeah, but he's. He. And I was like. And I told him. I was like, dude, when you do podcasts as much as we do, you talk recklessly. You say wild.

[Sam Morril]

He's like, yeah, I know how podcasts work. I have the number one podcast in.

[Bert Kreischer]

The world, and I've never trashed anybody. And he was like. And I was like, hey, man, if it's any consolation, I was trashing Will Arnett and Jason Bateman, too. And he was like, they're on my network.

[Sam Morril]

Well, dude, the Thing is, you realize we talk so much.

[Mark Norman]

Of course. And we record it all.

[Sam Morril]

And we're drunk.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're drunk. And we go and we're like. I did. I remember one time going on Rogan, and I was like, yo, I'm not going to trash anybody. I'm going to celebrate everybody. Like, anytime a name comes up so much, I love them. And I did it the next day. I never happened on Rogan before. I got, like, 10 texts from everyone like, dude, that was so cool of you. You're the best, man. Thank you so much. I love you to death. And I was like. I said, stop trashing people.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but it's so fun. I know. And it's.

[Sam Morril]

Both are fun. It's fun to put people over, too.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Cosby. I love your later.

[Sam Morril]

I love him. I think Epstein was really cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Simmons was the wildest one.

[Sam Morril]

Well, what did he kiss? What do you say about him?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I met Gene Simmons, like, 22 years ago. He was a. He was an absolute. I mean, like, top to bottom, I was the biggest Kiss fan. Dressed as Gene Simmons for Halloween. Did my talent show dressed as Gene Simmons. And I've never been more let down on a celebrity in my entire life. Wow. If I go on Rogan, I tell the whole story. Oh, what a. And I start saying, hashtag Gene Simmons.

[Mark Norman]

Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gene Simmons. And so lick it up. So. But I go. But I go. Burn it to the ground. I don't care. Right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm at the Forum. I'm at.

[Mark Norman]

Well, you never think you're gonna see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tommy show at the Forum. So we were all doing the Forum that week. Like Netflix a joke. We did Tom Brady. Tommy Schultz did one.

[Mark Norman]

Or Gillis.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, they did. They did the. The Staples Center.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking 42,000 or some shit.

[Mark Norman]

Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were all doing the Forum. Hey, by the way, still a big lift.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great. Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would do the Greek.

[Sam Morril]

We did it with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, that's right.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. That was a hell of a show.

[Sam Morril]

We opened that. That was fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did IVs, and I'm at Tommy show. I'm doing it Friday. Tommy's like, Wednesday, maybe I'm Saturday, Tommy's Thursday. And I'm at the bar and at the club, and Gene Simmons son comes up to me.

[Mark Norman]

Uh. Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's like, dude, I'm such a fan. And immediately I'm like, oh, fuck.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, oh, that's so cool, man. I'm a fan of his, too, because I've seen him on stuff. And I watched their show Family Jewels, and I found him and his sister very fucking funny and relatable. And I love their mom. I love their mom. And so I go, cool. And he goes, I'd love to introduce you to my dad. And I was like, I'm gonna pass. And he goes, why? I said, I. You know, man, I just. I'm good. I'm good. And he goes, hold on. What? He treated you like? And I went, yeah. And he goes, what's the story? And I go, I. I'd rather not share. And he goes, hold on. He goes, mom, come here. Brings his mom over.

[Mark Norman]

The hot blonde.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

She's Shannon Tweed.

[Mark Norman]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gorgeous.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes. She goes, my husband treated you like. I want to hear the story. And so I tell them the story. I tell them the full story, and they're like, cool, we'll fix this. And they're like, dad, get over here. And he comes over and he goes, so nice to meet you. I'm Gene Simmons. And I go, yeah. His son goes, dad, you treated him like an asshole like, fucking 20 years ago. You need to apologize. And he goes, damn. He goes, I'd like to hear the story. So I tell the story of Gene treating me like an asshole 22 years ago. And he looks at me, goes, I sincerely apologize. Hey, I'm not that person today. I have had missteps and.

[Sam Morril]

Was he an alcoholic or something?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he just.

[Mark Norman]

It's like he was a rock star.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was famous when you couldn't be famous, right? Like, we're all famous now, and we're not. We shouldn't be famous. You are.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You get recognized walking down the street.

[Sam Morril]

New York's different. No, you get recognized walking down a street in Toledo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but. No, but you walk. You get like. I had a crazy one. The bus driver pulled the bus over to say hi to me. Dang, that was a wild one. But the special just dropped. It's always. New York's a weird place because they always. The first time I ever got recognized for anything was Secret Time, and it was in New York. They. They all fucking check out Netflix.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. They love. You know what? The working man. Like, I'll get the garbage man going. Comedy. It's a great feeling, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got the one. I got the one guy smoking a joint in a. In a. In a nook, like. Like one of those door nooks on the street.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes, hey. And I was like, yeah. He goes, fuck you. I said, What? And he goes, you got me crying in my van today. And I was like, oh. And he's like, fucking do. Five foot six, Puerto Rican, 280 pounds.

[Mark Norman]

Only a New Yorker opens with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And it's a good thing, but it's a compliment. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's what I love about this city.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. Yeah, I get the cops every now and then, too. Hey, comedy. Comedy. They love. They love Rogan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you what's crazy? So I went to Paris. I understand this is going to sound a tad bit disconnected, but I don't care. I went to Paris, and I didn't get recognized. I got recognized, like, three times in Paris.

[Mark Norman]

Well, they're sophisticated over there, by the way, the on people has worked. It's gotten you to meet these people. So maybe it's a move. You got. You got Dax in there. You got Gene Simmons.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shouldn't be the move.

[Mark Norman]

Kevin Hart.

[Bert Kreischer]

I trashed Reese Witherspoon one time.

[Sam Morril]

Really? What'd you say?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Mark Norman]

All right, all right.

[Sam Morril]

You haven't met her yet, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Mark Norman]

Come on in, Reese.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the. The.

[Mark Norman]

Why'd I.

[Sam Morril]

Look?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in. I was.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no, we know. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in Paris, and I. And I. It's crazy. I don't know if you guys. If. If this is. If you can do this yet, but, like, I can tell you someone's gonna recognize me before they recognize.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you can see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can see. Like, you're. You're my guy. Yeah, you're my guy. You don't know me. Like, if I saw him walking down the street, I was like, what's up, dude? And he'd be like, oh, like, I. I can. I can figure out my guys.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Fellow chubster.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Beard.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My guy, right?

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Flannel shirt. Oh, yeah. Comfortable shoes. Plantar fasciitis. That's my guy. So I was with a dj. I don't. He is. DJ Zed is his name, and he's a very big dj. And I said, we were at some tennis tournament last week.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, cute kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know all the songs? Every song he's ever done.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every song you've ever heard in your entire life.

[Mark Norman]

Got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He said to me, I'm Norman today. I said, I can tell you who's gonna recognize me. And he went, really? And I said, yeah. I said, watch this. And we were standing at the tennis storm, and this guy walks by. I go, right here. Here we go. What's up? And he goes, oh, shit. The Machine. And he goes, yeah. And I go. He goes, well, I guess I can do the same thing. I go, really? And he goes, yeah, watch this. And I go, what? And he goes, asian. Hey. And they go, oh, my God, oh.

[Mark Norman]

My God, oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm in Paris and I'm seeing dudes who should be fans of mine. I'm seeing guys that.

[Sam Morril]

I go, fat Parisians.

[Bert Kreischer]

This table is gonna fucking lose their kids.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Walk in LA Machine. And they're not. And they're not recognizing me. And I wanted to go over and be like, you guys. I need to introduce you to something based on your clothing and your facial hair. You should be a big fan of this.

[Mark Norman]

They want Gad Amlay or some shit over there. They don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dad. Amelay.

[Mark Norman]

That's his name, right?

[Sam Morril]

He's like the big French guy.

[Mark Norman]

He's a big French comedian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

They call him the friend of Seinfeld all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he was Seinfeld's boy.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's huge over there. He does like arenas and whatnot. But I don't know if they like American comedy. We were like, American. I saw, you know, that's so low brow. They think we're.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but then you see what the. They laugh at and you're like, we're low brow.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

You like mimes.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, good point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. Some of the mime shit's good.

[Sam Morril]

It's incredibly like. It takes an insane skill set, but it's not like. It's not like comedy. I want to watch.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I followed boy with the tape on his face.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, dude, he beat me on America's Got Talent.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, tape face. He's good.

[Sam Morril]

He fucking rules. He's. But that's like chaplain esque type.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, he's good.

[Sam Morril]

That's incredible.

[Mark Norman]

And he's American British. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I was at the Comedy Store in London.

[Sam Morril]

He's. He is incredibly talented.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he was. He was. I was like. I was like, I fucking smoke this shit.

[Sam Morril]

No, I thought. I talked to him afterwards. He was like, great set, mate.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. No, he was really nice.

[Mark Norman]

I gave my wife to do that bite.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called hostage tape.

[Sam Morril]

People are using.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's going viral.

[Mark Norman]

I've never heard of this.

[Sam Morril]

Are you using that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Rogan tried to turn me onto it. I'm like, I'm not going to take my mouth shut.

[Mark Norman]

What the hell?

[Bert Kreischer]

My thing is talking. Maybe if I take. Maybe if I use hostage tape on Two Bears, people would watch it. More.

[Mark Norman]

Ah. That's the original Oz epic. You can't eat. What is this?

[Sam Morril]

I guess it's supposed to help you sleep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

So you breathe.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Sam Morril]

You breathe through your nose instead of your mouth.

[Bert Kreischer]

You tape your mouth shut and then you breathe through your nose. You don't snore and you sleep better. So apparently, mouth breathing. You ever heard someone be called a mouth breather and they're, like, dumb? Well, it's because you don't get enough oxygen to your brain, so you actually are dumb. I'm a hardcore mouth breather. I'm such a mouth breather. And this is why Joe and I started talking about. This was. I had. I would swell my uvula because I breathed through my mouth so hard while I slept. So you know that little thing that dangles your little goozle?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. In the back.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the back.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, the hanging ball.

[Bert Kreischer]

The hanging ball. Mine would swell up.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I breathed through my mouth so hard. So if I drank too much and passed out, I'd breathe only through my mouth, not through my nose. And it would get so dry, it would get swollen. And then it would give me a panic attack.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because do you wake up.

[Sam Morril]

Do you get, like, hangovers where you wake up and you're like, fuck. Because you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You seem like you weather the storm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I drink. So I drink every night. I drink. Minimum four liquid deaths right before bed. Right before bed.

[Sam Morril]

I drink smart. That's the hangover seat, Pete.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many did I have on the floor yesterday?

[Sam Morril]

Seven.

[Bert Kreischer]

I drink. I murder Fucking water.

[Sam Morril]

Doesn't that make you wake up to piss all night?

[Mark Norman]

Have you heard?

[Bert Kreischer]

I piss and I go. I'm going right back to bed because I'm hydrated and I'm healthy and I wake up, no fucking shaky.

[Mark Norman]

Come on, dude, I've tried everything. Nothing works for me.

[Bert Kreischer]

This morning I got so drunk last night, I had a Costa Rican chick take me to my room and I had to tell her, yo, I'm married. It's not happening. She was just a good Samaritan room I was in. I didn't know my room number. I didn't have a key. She just carried me to my room.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I shot her down after all her good work.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, sure. Let's do another round there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'll do another round.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. But then I murdered water. I Woke up at 6am Went to the gym, ran three miles, did the Today show. Look what.

[Sam Morril]

Look what liquid death has us talking like, I murdered water. It's so violent. We drank Water.

[Mark Norman]

I owe Jade some water.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's liquid death. The. The delivery system's brilliant.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And no one believed in it. Like, can of water. What is this? And then it just took off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did early.

[Sam Morril]

Have you tried the. Have you tried the. The Topo Chico Seltzer, though? It's unbelievable.

[Mark Norman]

Very good.

[Sam Morril]

The glass. I don't know why it's so good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's better in a cocktail.

[Sam Morril]

It's very nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

No shit on liquid death. I love you guys.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Are they a sponsor, Matt? Well, then you're fine.

[Mark Norman]

We're not big enough. They like Theo. They got you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Well, hey, we'll take you this. We had him for a minute, I think.

[Mark Norman]

Didn't we call in?

[Bert Kreischer]

We had to have you reach out to Mike. Dan.

[Sam Morril]

No, we like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, Dan is Colleen's son.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's right.

[Sam Morril]

Holy shit. From Omaha.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I love Colleen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would argue.

[Sam Morril]

I would argue that. I would argue that's maybe the best workout room in the country.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you, I just talked.

[Sam Morril]

About Omaha Funny Bone.

[Bert Kreischer]

I talked about this on a podcast today. I would. I'd bet. I'd bet $10,000 that Andrew Schultz and Shane Gillis have never done the Omaha Funny Bone.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, really?

[Mark Norman]

I've done it 10 times.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've done it.

[Sam Morril]

We know. You know what they say about Omaha is when a fast food spot wants to try out a new item, they go to Omaha first. Because it's such a good representation of America.

[Mark Norman]

It's America.

[Sam Morril]

Well, then why wouldn't the club be the best club for knowing what's gonna work in this country?

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, it's perfect. That room is. I've had, like, some of my best sets.

[Mark Norman]

It's magic. There's.

[Sam Morril]

Because they're so open minded.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You can kind of go anywhere. I love Omaha.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did my. I did razzle dazzle in Omaha. People like, why'd you pick Omaha? I go, it's a great comedy town.

[Sam Morril]

It is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did my specials. Philadelphia, Cleveland, Omaha, Tampa.

[Sam Morril]

I'm gonna do my next one in Tampa.

[Mark Norman]

I think Tampa's killer.

[Sam Morril]

I love Tampa. You know, here's something no one in Tampa has ever said. You can't joke about that there. They can take, I offended one person there in my entire life, and I remember her face because that's how rarely it happens.

[Mark Norman]

Would you make fun of Trump?

[Sam Morril]

No, What I did was I did that. Remember the alligator joke by the gator? A woman walked out of the fucking club, took a picture of herself crying and posted it on Their Facebook page. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joke. Because I think I heard this. Now we have a very specific response to that gator attack. Yeah, everyone in Tampa does. Yeah, everyone in Florida does. Like, there's. And I think we'd be on your. Your team. Yeah. Is that. Yeah, you. No one ever jumped into a lake and felt safe. Like, there's fucking reptiles in there that eat you, take you to their layer, wait till your body decays and then finishes you.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. And so, like, when it's so fun. What was your joke?

[Sam Morril]

I said it was the baby getting eaten by the gator at Disney. And I said, you know, I said, I want to come off like a gun nut, but I think if that baby were armed, he'd still be with us. And then I said, watching them, this was like, what set up the whole long bit? I said, the mom came on. I said, a woman got offended in the crowd, so she was like, you can't joke about that. And it literally just happened. So I was just rolling with her and I said, well, did you even see the baby's funeral on tv? Which obviously it wasn't. They don't televise baby funerals. But she bit. And she goes, I did. And I said, well, if you did, you would have seen the mom through tears, say, see you later, alligator. So I thought it was beautiful. And that fucking crushed. And I was like, okay, that's the start of a bit. And it turned into an eight minute bit because then she wrote an email being like, fuck you. And I'm like, okay, I can read the email now.

[Mark Norman]

She helped you?

[Bert Kreischer]

She helped me.

[Sam Morril]

She gave me an eight minute bid.

[Mark Norman]

That's amazing.

[Sam Morril]

That's how it started. But it went to, like, fucking a long bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it was, you know, that's a lesson.

[Sam Morril]

It's a lesson. Like, we were like, oh, like, her crying, you getting. You. You getting mad. Just gave me material.

[Mark Norman]

Alligator tears.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne got upset about something the other day. I can say it.

[Mark Norman]

What, a sex toy Die.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, it's. I guess Ari's been going around saying that the.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez, Ari. Dude, he never stops, this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. You get the good side of it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Is that what we've been getting? What did he do?

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess he's telling everyone that the. That the drugging was a scripted bit. We did. What? I don't know. I don't know why he's doing it. It's like, I don't. I don't really understand why Doing it, but I don't really care. But I guess it got to Leanne and it really upset her. It really upset her.

[Sam Morril]

But it's not true, so why does it upset her?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I said. I go, baby, it's not true. She goes, I know, but why would he. He apologized and we were good. Why would he just. Why wouldn't he just leave that be? Yeah, baby, he's a comedian. Everything's funny. He's looking for something to say on a podcast. I go, I don't know. And it's so funny because it was like a real weird learning moment for her, right? She goes, I'm gonna make a post. And I went, stop right there.

[Mark Norman]

No, no, don't post.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, baby, if you post, that'll make Ari laugh. Hard as fuck.

[Mark Norman]

He wins and he wins.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I go, your silence is golden. Like, your silence is so precious. To never say a word about something is so precious. Do you know how many times I wanted to send. I'll say this right now. I had a friend one time who I've always supported say something shitty about me, and it hurt my feelings. Really hurt my feelings, because this guy sucks. He really sucks in life. And I've always been a fan of his, and I've always. I've never said a shitty word. When everyone trashes him, I've never said a shitty word about it.

[Sam Morril]

Is this about Ari too?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. And I texted. Texted Tom, and I said I was drunk. I was like, I'm gonna fucking. I'm gonna text him. Yeah, I'm gonna put a post out. Tom goes, man, your silence is so precious. Yeah, don't say anything. And they never said anything. And now I just don't like the guy. And I.

[Mark Norman]

Perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd much rather not like someone and know you're a shitty person. And I'll tell you exactly what is in two seconds. Oh, but yeah. And I go, dax Shepard, edit that out. No, I'm kidding. Who was it edit out?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are we gonna wide shot this whole time?

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Well, it's on you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you after this.

[Sam Morril]

All right, all right. Well, you know, it's interesting because in that situation, Bert, you're like, do I. If I care about the person, I'll confront them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I say that about the person so much. Well, that's a friend of this person. It bothered me so much that they would take a shot at me.

[Mark Norman]

And I go, I know who this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do?

[Mark Norman]

I know now I text you. No, I just I put it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't. Don't respond to that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It so bothered me. I was like. And then you go, you know what? Your silence is perfect. Don't say anything. Just let it go.

[Sam Morril]

Have you run into this person since.

[Mark Norman]

Nah, he's. He's not doing stuff. Oh, that's one of the beauties of this guy being.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wait, no, it's not who you think.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I.

[Mark Norman]

By the way, never mind that I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Know who you're thinking. That is so funny that I know who you're thinking because you said, no, he's not doing stuff.

[Mark Norman]

Well, you said he was a piece of. Or he's going. Going nowhere.

[Sam Morril]

Well, now I know who you're thinking of.

[Mark Norman]

This is quite a game of telephone here. Of telepathic telephone.

[Bert Kreischer]

This should be a game.

[Sam Morril]

This should be a game.

[Mark Norman]

I know you're thinking, but not that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no, I totally understand. I said your silence is. Is the only thing you have.

[Mark Norman]

Women love that silence is golden.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

That's what every wife wants to hear.

[Sam Morril]

Please tape over her mouth and then.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but yeah, smart move. Why Keep it going. That's what Ari wants. And told her.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, he's baby, he's a comedian.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, like most of us are like, are like 60, 70% comedian, then like 30% human. I go, Ari's 95% comedian. 5% human.

[Mark Norman]

You said it was. He might be the most purest comedian just in. In life.

[Sam Morril]

Well, there's definitely anarchists in there too.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's part of it.

[Sam Morril]

Because I love Ari, but the Kobe shit was not really a joke. That was him just like being like, hey, fuck everybody. Like, he likes to just. He likes to just have like, find like a house doused in gasoline and just throw a match on it. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a troll.

[Sam Morril]

He's a troll.

[Bert Kreischer]

Before trolls, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

I've never been, but he's an actual funny dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I would love to be a troll.

[Sam Morril]

Now you.

[Bert Kreischer]

A week just to see how it feels. Can you.

[Sam Morril]

Wouldn't feel good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you imagine? I mean, I.

[Mark Norman]

Look, you got to deal with a lot of hate and that's not easy.

[Sam Morril]

But Bird, the reason you're not a troll is cuz you're having fun and you're positive. I mean, like, you don't get to do.

[Mark Norman]

He came to my wedding and I was nervous the whole time. He was gonna like, light something on fire.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I got fucking lit up with him the night before. I still remember the night me, Stavi and Ari just ended up at a gas station eating fried chicken.

[Mark Norman]

Ye. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Sam Morril]

And I. I've told this story before, but, you know, Ari and I just hammered and just being like, g. Imagine eating this shit sober. And Stav goes, I'm sober.

[Mark Norman]

But he's also hilarious, and he does good stuff. He's like Robin Hood, you know, he got kids paid at a Montreal.

[Sam Morril]

He's a complicated man.

[Mark Norman]

He's nuanced.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like I told. I told Leanne when. When Leanne and my girls did not want me to be friends with him again. The girls still don't want me friends with him. And I said, he's like chemotherapy.

[Mark Norman]

Like, oh, that's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Need him. I do need him. Like, I spent all last night with him. We had a great time.

[Mark Norman]

He's a good, fun, good time.

[Bert Kreischer]

We had a great talk. We talked. We just talked about comedy, and we just talked about life and comedy and podcasting, and it was a very important conversation in my life. But the tax I pay is that he may drug me.

[Mark Norman]

Not so bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Last night, he tried to defend. He goes, do you know why I drugged you? And I was like, yeah, I do know why. I don't think you know why.

[Sam Morril]

What did he say?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, because you said you'd done cocaine, so I know you'd be cool with it. And I was like, that's not why you drugged me, Ari.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, he's a lunatic.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it has the opposite effect.

[Mark Norman]

It was Molly. I was there that night. You were having a great time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I can't own that now because it's, like. It's crazy to, like. It's crazy because it. It green lights it for kids. That's the only thing. Like, I'm a dad first, right? I'm a dad. I really am a dad. And so, like, I don't ever want some kid that is a fan of this to go, dude, Molly, my boys. It's the funniest thing ever. And you're like, no, they may also die, and you may also rot in a jail cell. Like, don't do it. Like, it's. It was a dumb thing you should have done. Say to your friend, would you like, Molly? And then your friend may say, yes, and then have a great time.

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

So easy to do.

[Sam Morril]

But if we were in a jail cell and this was like, a jail movie, Ari would definitely, like, help lead the escape.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

He would definitely be one of the people who started, like, digging the hole.

[Mark Norman]

Right? Right.

[Sam Morril]

You know, you don't think so he'd.

[Mark Norman]

Be the first guy shot by the tower.

[Sam Morril]

So you said, you know. You think you know why he did that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why do you think he did that? I know why.

[Mark Norman]

You know why?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not gonna share?

[Mark Norman]

He wanted to fuck with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't know. All right, listen, hang on. It's. We're forgetting this. That we. Sometimes I think people think this happened in a fishbowl, but it didn't. It happened in my life. And. And I have very important people in that. We're doing Sober October. I mean, the thing. The thing that. You know, it's so funny, you know, I love Ari. I love Ari to death.

[Sam Morril]

We all do.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he said on Two Bears, he goes, the reason we don't do Sober October anymore is that you make everything about yourself. And I went. I didn't say anything then, but the truth is that he mollied me and it. And we didn't talk in our chat thread. The whole month. No one talked. So Brooktober, no one talked. No one talked.

[Sam Morril]

We already drugged all of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was crazy because it was because of such a real event that the chat thread went silent for the whole month. And the funnest part of Sober October was the chat thread is.

[Sam Morril]

That was totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is the texting of, like, what calories you have, bitch. And then I go. I just taunt Rogan. I go, I fucking own your shit. And like. And we go back and forth, and it was so fucking fun.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that month, we didn't do it. And then we never did Sober October again. And that's why it. So Brooks over died. Is that because of that? But in that moment, I definitely talked every day to fucking Joe and Tom about, like, I was going through. And Whitney. I talked to Whitney. I was in therapy at the time. Like, it was. It was so confusing because it was such a fucked up moment. But I also wanted to forgive him. I had to forgive him because I couldn't. I was in Connecticut going to.

[Sam Morril]

We have such a weird profession.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one can understand it. Yeah. You know, do you know people like. And this bums me out. Like, I'll tell you right now, if you're watching this, if you talk shit about Tommy, if you talk shit about Joe, if you talk shit about Sam or Mark, talk shit about Shane, talk shit about Stavi. You talk shit about Ari. I'm not your boy, okay? Don't tag me in that post. I don't want to know about your shit. I'm. I'm a wr. Die for my guys. Like, the guys I love. Nikki Glazer, Whitney Cummings. Like, I mean.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't talk. I don't. I'm not. I'm not a fan of that.

[Mark Norman]

Me neither.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so, like. So, like, people were trashing Aran, but I was like, I know him and I love him. He's my brother.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta figure out a way to forgive him.

[Mark Norman]

And if you look at his career, it makes you feel better just with the Ari.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. But it's like. It's like, dude, I can't. I can't just be some guy that just never forgives him and then.

[Mark Norman]

No, you don't be the bitter guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And. And so I had to. I was in Connecticut. I was pulling into A Planet Fitness, and he. And he called me every day. He called me every day, like two.

[Mark Norman]

Or three times because he feels bad. He does have feelings.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is a human.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. I answered it and he was like, hey, did I fuck things up forever?

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, no.

[Sam Morril]

That's the funny thing about. He'll do something terrible. And then. And then he's like. You're like, aw, Ari.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

There's something kind of adorable at the way he, like, he did it. I remember he did it to Ricky Velez one night at the Cellar where Ricky's counting money and Ari just smacks it out of his hand.

[Mark Norman]

Money went everywhere.

[Sam Morril]

Money went everywhere. And Ricky was so fucking mad. He was like, what the fuck? And Ari immediately was like, I'm sorry. And he helps him pick the money up. It was like. It's funny to see, like, from. From A to B, what you get.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is like, Ari came. Ari would come to my house and. All the time. All the time. And. And bring his bag and do laundry and hang kids. My kids loved him. Yeah. Like, there was so much and.

[Sam Morril]

But they haven't forgiven him yet.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Will never. Isla will never. I don't. Said to me, he tried to kill my dad.

[Mark Norman]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like, don't say it like that. And then Isla was like, yo, someone drugs me in college. And you see me text them, are you cool with that?

[Sam Morril]

And I go, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I guess you're right.

[Mark Norman]

Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yikes. Well, some people like Molly, like, something. Some people out there would be like, you gave me Molly. This is great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But not against their will. Yeah, you don't want to be drugged.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know if it was against the will. I think it was more of a surprise, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's drugging someone.

[Mark Norman]

I guess you're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Roofy apologist for what? Yeah. Okay. We're not done, are we?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, no, no.

[Sam Morril]

Cosby didn't roofy someone. It was a surprise.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it was a good point.

[Sam Morril]

After the rape. Gotcha.

[Mark Norman]

Surprise party.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I love Ari. I love already to death. And. And. And I'm glad you let her die for that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so even when the Kobe happened, I was like, sure. I was like. I was like, yo, I didn't stand up from the way I should have. I think you did.

[Mark Norman]

I did. Yeah. Because, you know, it's words. We're doing jokes, we're comments. Same with Gillis. I stood up for Gillis, too. It's a joke.

[Sam Morril]

I don't like how political every standup has become.

[Mark Norman]

I agree.

[Sam Morril]

I think it's. I think it's. Once you become predictable with your views, you become predictable with your punchlines as well.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I would argue exact same for the exact opposite. There was a guy. I don't know his name, and I don't want to try. I'm not trying to trash him at all, but, like, he did a choose your own adventure stand up special and where you could.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I know this guy, Danny Jollis.

[Sam Morril]

He's excellent.

[Mark Norman]

He's a great, funny guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what's crazy about that special is it's brilliant joke writing.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

However, when you feel like he doesn't mean took the teeth out of it and it was just a joke. Okay. Like, it's almost like. It's almost weird when you like.

[Sam Morril]

But I like that. I like that he tried something different.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like. Oh, yeah. And I love that. That.

[Sam Morril]

I remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I watched a special.

[Mark Norman]

He's innovative.

[Sam Morril]

I think he's very funny. I think he's a great actor too. He's on the new. He's on the last season of the TV show Ted, which, if you haven't seen, is a great fucking show. It's on Peacock. It's hilarious.

[Mark Norman]

Joke a minute.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Sam Morril]

It's just like, bam, bam, bam.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't like Sudeikis.

[Mark Norman]

Talk shit.

[Sam Morril]

Thinking of Ted Lasso.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, fuck that guy.

[Sam Morril]

I'm talking about. I'm talking about. Oh, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was doing a bit.

[Mark Norman]

He's gonna. You're gonna do it today because.

[Sam Morril]

Come on out here. Come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I do. I do. Actually, you know what? Fuck Jason Sudeikis. You know, Hang on, hang on.

[Sam Morril]

Your wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? Do one thing and be done. I'm done with you being a great singer. A great musician. This is a great actor. It's the truth though. Yeah. It's like, yo, suck a dick. Like, I only can do comedy, I can't act. How do they dare act? A little. Go you pull up a fucking video of Jason Sudeikis. Have you ever seen him sing? No.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you being fucking serious? No, dude, it's annoying.

[Mark Norman]

Internet's down. Fuck, it's down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, cool.

[Sam Morril]

Sudeikis is talented for sure. That cash was crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking field. You know what? Fuck all those guys. Can I tell you? It's like Jason Sudeikis, he can hoop too.

[Sam Morril]

He's like a really.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's annoying.

[Sam Morril]

He's got like a pretty sweet jump shot.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. He's good looking. He's got it all.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's from Kansas City, middle of America. You and Paul Rudd, you and Jon Hamm, dude, they're all from Kansas City. So they get this like regular guy appeal, right? Like, I grew up a regular guy. I gotta hear me get slammed for having being a nepo baby, right? And then, and then I'm talented in everything I do. If I fucking wanna act, I'm amazing. Bon Bon. I bet they could do stand up. And then they do that fucking big Kansas City festival.

[Sam Morril]

I heard he can do standup.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Come on. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I think he used to do some warm up stuff for snl and they were like killing time. And I've heard he's good.

[Mark Norman]

It's like, Donald Glover. Donald Glover can do everything. You're like, what are you doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

God damn it. Cool guy's too good at everything. Shut the up. Stop.

[Mark Norman]

He can rap, he can do stand up.

[Sam Morril]

I'll say. Like, Atlanta was awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Atlanta's great on YouTube. And I go, I missed out this Donald Glover, his rap video was so goddamn good.

[Mark Norman]

I know I can't do anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

These guys suck dick.

[Mark Norman]

You can.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so angry.

[Mark Norman]

You can take his shirt off with the best of them. With the hat coming off. It's very impressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't remember, Mark. I used to be more famous than you.

[Mark Norman]

Doing very well, Mark.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, don't you. Don't you like, look at Donald Glover? He was an overmicrob with you guys.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I hung out with him. He's a great guy too. He's nice as hell. He's a hell of a drinker. Yeah, he did. I watched a 30 Rock episode randomly on a plane. And I was like, this is a funny episode. At the end it said, written by Donald Glover. I said, God damn it. What can't this black dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

I heard he. I heard he roofies girls with ayahuasca.

[Mark Norman]

Surprise.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, just. But it's like. It's like. Okay, I get it.

[Mark Norman]

It's like, Mulaney, he's talented as hell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Done with Mulaney. Like, it's like, I go, he's such.

[Sam Morril]

A nice guy, too.

[Mark Norman]

Great guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good looking, sweet guy. Who announces your last name. Right? I mean, he's got it all. He. He had a.

[Mark Norman]

He had a failed sitcom. Okay, all right.

[Sam Morril]

That humbled him a little bit.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, I think it did not.

[Sam Morril]

Like, you know, I mean, like, it made him almost. It made him human is what I mean.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, well, so did the cocaine.

[Bert Kreischer]

As we are, I would say, the three of us who just. Are just comic podcasters, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I would like to write. Well, we wrote a fucking movie too. You wrote a movie? I mean, I think. I think. But I'm definitely not a podcaster. I do a POD with Mark, but I'm not. I'm a. Yeah, I think we're just comics, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I'm a comic all the time. All day.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a comic.

[Mark Norman]

We've been to fucking Omaha 100 times between the three of us. We are road.

[Sam Morril]

I would never. If someone was like, what do you do? I would never say, I'm a podcaster. Say I'm a comic.

[Mark Norman]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Can I say this casually? And by the way, I'm being way, way too weird.

[Sam Morril]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a little buzzed.

[Sam Morril]

I love that. Did you drink at Keen's, too?

[Bert Kreischer]

I did.

[Sam Morril]

I love that you went to Keens for lunch. I love that. It means a lot when someone's like, where do I go to lunch? And I tell them where to go and they go there. It was great, because not everyone takes a wreck special. It means a lot when someone takes a wreck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, it was Keen.

[Sam Morril]

Keens is. Oh, they got all the pipes there, everybody. Yeah, that's one of the iconic steakhouse spots.

[Bert Kreischer]

So is there a part of you as a comic that resents the Darlings?

[Mark Norman]

A couple plants out there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what that means. Plants?

[Sam Morril]

Like home industry plants? Yeah, like. Like, they just, like, they were made by the industry, and it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a real thing.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, to a degree, it is.

[Mark Norman]

Katt Williams listed 18 of them because.

[Sam Morril]

You know, we all kind of made our own careers on the Internet and stuff like that. So. Yeah, when you see people that, like, the industry just kind of is like, there's a party that's like, huh? But if they're really good, we don't resent them. If they're really good.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Plants.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the old school, like Maxim. 10 comics to watch.

[Mark Norman]

All that shit. All that. They keep getting everything. How'd they get that and that?

[Sam Morril]

And then you see them again, you're like, they bombed another thing.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

What the fuck is this?

[Mark Norman]

But then you got a guy like Nate who just worked. It worked it worked. It funny. Wrote another hour. Wrote another hour, and now he's doing arenas.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you know, I'll put it this way. There's people who rise. Like, maybe they were chosen, but then they rose to the occasion, and they are undeniable. And how could you have a problem with that? They're funny. Like, as you said, luck is involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

Luck's involved. Luck's solely involved.

[Sam Morril]

We had luck. We all had a tremendous amount of luck.

[Bert Kreischer]

My luck. My luck with you. But we backed it up, is we met at Hartford. At Hartford.

[Sam Morril]

I had a great weekend with you.

[Mark Norman]

I remember that weekend.

[Sam Morril]

I remember watching a Knicks game with you at Hooters, and it meant a lot that you were, like, in the game with me. I. We were. It was right when The Knicks got J.R. smith, and I was really excited, and. And Bert and I were getting. Getting beers at lunch, and you gotta.

[Mark Norman]

Have that photo in your phone somewhere.

[Sam Morril]

I have it somewhere.

[Mark Norman]

You gotta put it up.

[Sam Morril]

We're shirtless and we're both bombed, and. Yeah, man. No, I had so much fun. I had heard you were awesome from Nikki, because Nikki dropped out of that weekend. That's how I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The luck is involved, is like. Portland, Oregon. Amy Schumer stops by my show, and I was opening. We go to a strip club, me and Amy. I'm just with Amy. I don't realize who's around me. We go back to my room, and I meet Mark Norman. Mark Norman was with Open Framey. And I go, I mean, think about luck. You want to talk about luck is like, how crazy is it? I met you guys when you guys were like, features, feature X. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

But the key is you were really nice doing and do everything. Go everywhere, meet everybody, do every gig. That was the key. Because some people are so selective and weird. If you just get yourself out there, the luck is you have a better chance of something happening.

[Sam Morril]

Well, mental. I want a headline. It was, like, complimentary to you because I remember I was. You know, I was middling a lot, and Bert was like, you're gonna be a really young headliner. He was like, really encouraging to me. And that goes a long way when you're. But when your mom is telling you, like, what are you doing with your life? When your mom is, like, making a wrong decision with your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Both you guys kind of blew me away. But both you guys also must be really candid.

[Mark Norman]

Start here.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

As Hasan Minaj introduced me, remembering his name is what I feel bad about. They keep it in. I don't give a fuck. A. I don't give a.

[Mark Norman]

You remember. You know what you're talking about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hassan Minaj told me we were the Brady Roast. And he goes, you. You look uncomfortable in a tuxedo. And I said, I'm very uncomfortable. I perform shirtless. And he goes. And he looked at me and he, like, kind of does one of these. Like, he goes, this is my fastball. And I've. I've said that so many times. It's such a cheesy stating statement that I. I can't stop using. But you guys are my fastball. Like, guys at party. Guys that like to have a good time. Like, And. And. And great comics. Great comics. And so I met you guys both, and you guys are my fastballs. Like, I love this. My favorite. My favorite memories of touring for real out of anything. And I just did this on some podcasts. I don't remember what, but when I took Mark to Europe.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, we barely knew each other. I can't believe you took me to you. You didn't know me. I could have been a weirdo. You just said it. Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. I mean, I was very excited about that.

[Sam Morril]

You came back at Shell.

[Mark Norman]

I was ruining me. We did every night, drinking hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

He saw my weakness.

[Mark Norman]

Well, you saw the flights.

[Sam Morril]

We almost did that joke show, me and Norman. That was when you saw me and Mark would, like, just bounce bits all day. And we almost did that joke show.

[Mark Norman]

That's right.

[Sam Morril]

Bert was gonna produce, but that fell apart. We don't need to go into.

[Mark Norman]

But you yakking in the. In the airport or almost yakking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Mark Norman]

Dry heaving.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. There's a moment, like, only friends share, right? Were you where you say, like. So I'll tell you. The one I have with Tommy is we got stem cells with Joe and. And I just had surgery on my elbow.

[Sam Morril]

Can you explain what that means to, like, the layman? Because I don't know what that means. Okay.

[Mark Norman]

I know sickle cell. Which. What Stem.

[Sam Morril]

I know what they are. And he mentioned it to me once when I was down there. He was like, we Got to get you some stem cells for your neck. And I was like, right on. I was like, I don't know what. I just.

[Mark Norman]

It's something good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

It helps you, I think, But I don't know what it is exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Molly.

[Mark Norman]

Stem cells, Adrenochrome.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Anyway, Joe and Tommy organized stem cells, and they're like, yo, you're in. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to do it. I tell Tom, I don't want to do it. I'm out. And he goes, hey, stop. It's already paid for. I go, it's not money. I don't give a. I don't. I'm like, I don't know what it is. I don't know the we're doing. He's like, you're gonna be fine. So we go get stem cells, and Tom and I are driving back to. To do a podcast. And we're in Tom's car, which is a Porsche. We're very close to each other, and I reach back, and I feel my elbow, and I feel a lump where the stem cells went in. It's like a swelling, and I feel it, and I kind of start having a panic attack. And Tommy very gently puts his hand behind my arm, and he rubs the stem cells. He goes, you're okay. And I went, that's how he knows me, right?

[Mark Norman]

That's a friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mark Norman and I were in a bar in London at the airport. Was it London?

[Mark Norman]

It might have been Copenhagen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been Copenhagen. At the airport. He know. He's now learned I don't like flying.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're with a fan who won't stop talking, and I. I'm ordering us beers at an aggressive pace, and Mark's got, like, three backed up, and I'm on mine. And then Marcos were boarding, and I kill my beer. I remember this so vividly. I kill my beer, and I start to throw up in my mouth. I started like. Like, I start to. I've had too much. I'm like.

[Mark Norman]

And he's a public figure. This is not a good look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mark Norman looks at me like this, and he goes, like. In his eyes, he's like, oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And I swallowed. I didn't.

[Mark Norman]

Kept it in.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't throw up. I didn't throw up. I wasn't throwing up in my mouth, but I didn't throw up. And I went, do you have a toothpick? I'll get you one?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got me a toothpick. And he goes, we're good. I was like, let's go. And we walked away. But those little moments that you have with a friend where. Where you show your vulnerability 100%. I remember that so vividly.

[Sam Morril]

We, Mark and I, obviously, we go back, like, a ways, but I remember. Remember Orlando Airport?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

We opened for Schumer at some big university. Yeah, we got fucking wasted. Mark and I, we were just bombed. We were like liabilities on that tour, but we would just be getting bombed.

[Mark Norman]

And the next morning, 7am flight.

[Sam Morril]

The next morning, I'm just puking my guts out in the Orlando airport, which is one of the worst airports already.

[Mark Norman]

And Mark just kids around with Mickey Mouse hats.

[Sam Morril]

And Mark. I look up, and Mark reaches over the stall, and it's a ginger ale. And I was like, that's my guy.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I understand drunks. You know, I grew up in New Orleans. I started drinking at 13. Scene. I get it. And so there's no judgment.

[Sam Morril]

And we've seen each other bombed so many times.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But it was just like. I was like, ah, that's a good friend right there. He just saw me puking my guts, and it was fine. Like, you know. Yeah, we've flown like that before. Like, when you're a young comic and you're puking, it's better than puking in a Greyhound. Like, which I've done many times. I puked in those bathrooms, too. Moving, shaking. You're holding on the side.

[Bert Kreischer]

Throwing up. Throwing up is crazy. I was a grand marshal for Gasparilla.

[Mark Norman]

Like, oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

Are you gonna say the Ku Klux Klan? That's way better.

[Mark Norman]

That's Grand Wizard. I did that one three sheets to the wind. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I. I got. I know I'm gonna be made fun of for this. I got what they call gunpowder poisoning.

[Mark Norman]

What? What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. It's. I don't. Your Internet's down. Don't Google it. The. I was on a boat where they were shooting a lot of guns, and then I got covered in gunpowder. There's a thing called gunpowder poisoning where you are allergic to gunpowder, and if you get covered in it like I was, you get sick. And I started throwing up on the parade route. Oh. And no one, thank God, got a video.

[Mark Norman]

Thank. How did that happen?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, it was. It was. I was, like, overheated. It was so hot. I was in a pirate costume covered in gunpowder. I was drinking. It was such a fucking nightmare. If. If. I'll tell you what, at this point, there's two things I'd like to see. One was me throwing up in Spokane, Washington. I threw up outside of my tour bus. Like aggressively in underwear if anyone's got that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but you blend into that city, everyone's a mess. Walking around on drugs.

[Mark Norman]

Spokane is rough.

[Sam Morril]

Everyone's walking around like a zombie in that city.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Great crowds though. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The stage fell. The stage fell.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so they canceled the show. So I was like, yo, day drinking. Let's go.

[Mark Norman]

There it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Manzi was with us back in the day.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we would just went hard as fuck all day. Ended the night. I ended the night at a steakhouse. Martinis, two bottles of wine, and the last two drinks I had were Irish car bombs.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

That's fucking vicious.

[Mark Norman]

That's gross.

[Sam Morril]

Is there anything more fun than just like martinis at a steakhouse? It's just like the best. It's the embodiment of fun.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Like, we're gonna get fucked up.

[Mark Norman]

You feel like an American.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. You feel like you're on Mad Men.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Roger Sterling would be drinking.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Going to a podcast. I'm going. I'm going to dinner with Tom tonight at 7.

[Sam Morril]

Where are you guys going?

[Bert Kreischer]

Where are we going?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, dude, that's a great spot. You can drink Bodega Cat there.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, they got a picture on the wall there.

[Sam Morril]

Are you going to East Village or Times Square?

[Mark Norman]

Go to the Village. One. Way better.

[Sam Morril]

Way better, dude. Our boy Brandon. That's it, dude. Okay, so you're double staking. Got to get the Tomahawk. Yes, the Tomahawks phenomenal there.

[Mark Norman]

The Lobster Mac.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking Ozempic. Tommy only orders like seltzer water.

[Mark Norman]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, buddy, we got to get fucking lit. He's like, I'm doing Madison Square Garden.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, is it? Shit. I even know that.

[Sam Morril]

Well, dude, I will say Strip house is like. Like one of my favorite spots.

[Mark Norman]

It's a great spot.

[Sam Morril]

We went there for his birthday. We. I love that. Place is like.

[Mark Norman]

It's legendary. They got the Bodega cat behind the bar.

[Sam Morril]

I got a Dangerfield headshot up. It's iconic. It's been there. It's been there forever.

[Mark Norman]

Red leather seats.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we should probably. I just think that it was fitting.

[Sam Morril]

He just shoots us in the head.

[Bert Kreischer]

Put Tommy on your.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, his career dead. Is that the problem? This is the dead wall.

[Bert Kreischer]

Put him on the dead wall. Don't say anything to him. Comes in this week. Don't say anything.

[Sam Morril]

Is he coming on a pot?

[Mark Norman]

That Ozempic's gonna kill him. Yeah, he's gonna OD on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a fatter Tommy than the one I. Than a one I know now. I. I liked. I liked fat.

[Mark Norman]

Fat Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man.

[Mark Norman]

With the black shirt with the bad hair. Oh, man, that was good times. He just. He looked like a wing eating contest winner, you know, he was.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. I'm not even around. He traveled with hot sauce.

[Mark Norman]

Get out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I swear to God, he's like Hillary Clinton. Yeah. He had hot sauce always in his car at all times. Wow, that is a good one. And he'd put it on whatever he had.

[Mark Norman]

That's a fat guy move.

[Bert Kreischer]

I watched fgm. It was. It was a weird feeling.

[Mark Norman]

He really. He really watch each other, right?

[Sam Morril]

I mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. He got raised Friday. Did way before I did. Way before I did.

[Mark Norman]

The pores feel like he left them.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, God damn it. Like that. The most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life is like, yo, he was poor.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he busted his ass. And he's doing crazy great stuff.

[Sam Morril]

And he's a great dude, and he's.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's a great dude. And he's great doing great content, great comments. His specials are awesome. Listen, he has changed. Yes. I'm gonna tell you something secret. He didn't like who he was.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

He didn't like. He didn't love being fat as fucking shit. Dude, if you pull up me shaving his tits, he is.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

So fat. It is aggressive. No one wants to be that guy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I mean, a joke we love.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love. It's so funny. But, like, yeah, he got rich. I remember. I remember the statement he said to me when I knew money had changed. And he was like. He's like, yo, dude, I had the wildest fucking conversation with Christina last night. I said, what's that? And he goes, you know, we have, like, only have a couple chargers, so we plug them into the wall, but they're across the room. So we have to plug the charger in and then plug our phone in, then put our phone on top of the charger to charge it at night. And then Christina said, yo, we have money. We can have chargers by our bed.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's changed.

[Sam Morril]

That is a status move, though, to have, like, to not have multiple. Not have to pull the charger out and move it over. Yeah, you just have it in another outlet. That is a power.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I went, whoa. And I thought to Myself, I'm not there yet. It wasn't like. It wasn't watches, it wasn't cars.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That moment. Moment. And I went. We went to that house.

[Sam Morril]

For me, it was sandwich punch cards. I stopped paying as much attention to those.

[Mark Norman]

I still got mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You ready? You ready for me?

[Sam Morril]

I have a bagel punch card, but I don't have the sandwich punch card.

[Mark Norman]

You gotta stay with the tribe.

[Sam Morril]

I have the bagel one.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I have the. For me, it was the hotel breakfast. Because I would get up every day on the road, get the breakfast. It was free breakfast.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You go out all night, but you're like, I still gotta get the breakfast.

[Sam Morril]

Western. Yes, they had a good breakfast.

[Mark Norman]

Waffle maker. Get out of here.

[Sam Morril]

A lobby waffle.

[Bert Kreischer]

The fuck?

[Sam Morril]

I love with a lobby waffle.

[Mark Norman]

I still do the breakfast every now and then, but I have, like, openers. Like, what are you doing? Let's just go to a diner.

[Sam Morril]

You know, the best thing is you book hotels with that Amex Travel shoot. You get the free breakfast at those places.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Of that shit.

[Mark Norman]

And the lounge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mine was airline miles.

[Sam Morril]

You dude.

[Mark Norman]

Stop caring.

[Sam Morril]

You know it's funny.

[Mark Norman]

No, no, I love.

[Sam Morril]

No, but Bert, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's when you know you're rich.

[Sam Morril]

But Bert was telling us when we started to really headline, Bert would be the one who'd be like, you're going to start to really care. You're going to be obsessed with your ticket count. Ye going to be obsessed with airline points.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Everything Bert said to us was a reality. We were like, oh, I need airline points. I need this.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I was obsessed with American Airlines. Like, I was.

[Mark Norman]

That's the one you picked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because the worst airline out of la, it's good out of la.

[Mark Norman]

Is that right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dallas is a big hub. I was doing a lot of Texas dates and Dallas was a quick jump. So, like. And I, I. It wasn't United, it wasn't Continental. Disappear. Wasn't Delta. She had to fly to Atlanta. So it was American. I was obsessed with American. I was obsessed.

[Mark Norman]

The lounge isn't great.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Mark Norman]

The lounge isn't even that great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lounge is amazing.

[Sam Morril]

I would say. I would say America and American at best is third, maybe third or fourth.

[Mark Norman]

Delta, United, American.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I want American. I want you to hear. I was about to trash you. And now I'm your ride or die.

[Mark Norman]

All right? Bring it on. Because I could do that.

[Sam Morril]

Delta, United, and JetBlue are undeniably better airlines.

[Mark Norman]

JetBlue, they have no lounge.

[Sam Morril]

All right, fine. Take JetBlue out.

[Bert Kreischer]

No lounge. You fly mint. You either get the choice of flying next to a man in first class or by yourself. And you don't get to pick. That. That's okay.

[Sam Morril]

It's fine. So Delta and United.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna shit on Delta.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Delta. Oh, please. The IKEA of flying. They've made every chair ergonomic and not comfortable, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Ergonomics a good thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Goddamn couch here. Like, it's like. This is Delta first class.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but you know what?

[Sam Morril]

But this couch here keeps you engaged. For a pod, it's pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a church view, but for a fucking six hour flight to Atlanta.

[Sam Morril]

I'll give you that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So American is number one now.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also has a thing called. And I know that I'm in trouble for saying this. American. A thing called concierge key. You familiar with that?

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Norman]

No. So what was the 911 flight?

[Bert Kreischer]

United. United. Keep going.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't bring that up.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I didn't have to. See what.

[Sam Morril]

The seats were nice. That's not their fault.

[Mark Norman]

That's true. All right. I'm just curious.

[Sam Morril]

There's not a lot you could do in that.

[Mark Norman]

Trying to take American down. All right, Keep going. Keep your. Your, Your plea.

[Sam Morril]

You know, you know, the terrorists are like, which one should we pick?

[Mark Norman]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

[Mark Norman]

Trying to win the argument.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm having a moment. I'm having a real moment. What was the 911 flight? And he goes, yeah, but the seats were nice. That was the funniest thing I've ever.

[Sam Morril]

That went out in style.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, the seat. The seats were nice.

[Sam Morril]

You know what sucks about that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, Were nice.

[Sam Morril]

You know what sucks about you? You booked the first, last ticket on that flight. And they're just like, oh, the chicken. And you're expecting a good flight, right?

[Mark Norman]

Right. You got a couple drinks in you. Then it's like, oh, I should have.

[Sam Morril]

The pork and the you to them.

[Bert Kreischer]

So American has a thing called concierge.

[Sam Morril]

The terrorists come up. Make it a double.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is an invitation only.

[Sam Morril]

Two towers.

[Mark Norman]

That's a double. I can't. I'm hammered.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's too many jokes come out. This is too joke heavy.

[Mark Norman]

Well, the Pentagons, that's the rule of threes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Five drinks is our living it.

[Mark Norman]

All right, two more.

[Bert Kreischer]

American Airlines.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, pitch your case here.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, American Airlines has coner Key. Invitation only.

[Mark Norman]

What is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Invitation only. And you get a separate entrance into the airport. Wow. You get a.

[Sam Morril]

How do you get invited? Do you have to be a big dog?

[Mark Norman]

You got to.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to fly a lot.

[Mark Norman]

Pip it on a podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. Actually, this one.

[Sam Morril]

Mark? Yeah, please. Yeah, let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I'll take one, too. You gotta. You gotta be invited. And this will get me uninvited. So I'm a conscious key currently. And they will now rescind my invitation because I'm talking about it. But I don't really give a. So I don't.

[Sam Morril]

Is it like Raya, but for the sky?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, sky.

[Sam Morril]

Sky.

[Mark Norman]

But you do private now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought I've done private, but I don't do private.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a fear of flying.

[Sam Morril]

So, like, how bad are you? Do you drug yourself on every flight?

[Mark Norman]

Ari jumps in. But I thought you were doing private for LA to Austin. LA to Austin? Because you're, like, the last guy in la. You and Santino and Bobby and Tim.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm never gonna lie and manipulate my fans and tell them I'm something I'm not. So, like, I'll tell you, if I fly private, it. I FL private a lot, but I. I don't. I don't enjoy it because it's. They're smaller planes, the ones you afford. Pete will tell you right now. And you know Pete very well.

[Mark Norman]

I. I. Pete should be drinking as well. This isn't fair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we get Peter drink, please? I.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. The smaller planes give me horrific anxiety, and I'm a mess. Peter.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah?

[Bert Kreischer]

How many times have you seen me cry on a plane? You cry, buddy.

[Sam Morril]

That's horrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every private flight I have, I cry. I cry on private.

[Sam Morril]

It's insane to get to the level. You fly private and you don't even enjoy it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, well, they're shaking.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't fly private. I don't fly private because I want to.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fly private, so I have to. Like, it's. It's like, yo, we got a thing we have to do. We have to get you there. And I'm like, okay, but I don't want to fly private. And they're like. And then I. I'm also kind of cheap, so, like, if they go, well, we have one for $15,000 or one for $35,000. I go, do 15, and I'll just cry and drink. It sucks, man. It sucks.

[Sam Morril]

This one's flown by Hezbollah Air, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Flight we're having Tomorrow is American Airlines, right? 760 Delta. Is it Delta.

[Mark Norman]

Delta. Oh, you've been on them ergonomic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd rather bigger planes. Plane and a more steady flight.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. Yeah. But I, I, I, I, I find it.

[Sam Morril]

No, I'm with you. I like a big plane too. It doesn't make total sense because, like, but like, bigger, you just feel way safer. The shaking is brutal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, have you ever flown private out of Las Vegas?

[Sam Morril]

I have. No, I haven't. I've flown five. It very rarely. It's been on other people's dime, obviously.

[Mark Norman]

But I did it with Louie once and he flipped. It's weird to see Louie, like, your hero was like, oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Mark Norman]

Because it was like, like through dipping like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

It sucks. It suck. I mean, I know that everyone thinks it's a flex if you post your flying private, right? I, first of all, if I post while I'm flying private, I'm just doing. Cuz I'm not. I'm a regular person. And that's what regular people do if they fly private, sure. This thing I've ever done. Right. But also, it sucks so bad. I hate it. I hate it. I would much rather fly a 767, 787 or 777 and be comfortable as.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Big sleeper bed with tons of people. Tons of souls on the plane.

[Mark Norman]

Souls, they call them. I like that. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm, I'm with you. It is something nice about just being taken care of. You get in that first class, they throw a blanket on you.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you switched up on me. Look at you.

[Mark Norman]

I've had too much drape fruit. My liver's hurting, but yeah, okay, let's try to make you feel better.

[Bert Kreischer]

A little weird.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no, your liver's up.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm kidding.

[Mark Norman]

Your liver's like this. We're right at home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got blood work. I got blood work.

[Sam Morril]

And your liver must be ripped.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your liver, your liver's like. We got the same liver.

[Mark Norman]

I love when people are like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you right now, go to. Go to ways to. Well, who ways to.

[Mark Norman]

Well, what's that now? Weighs too well.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get my blood work every six months.

[Sam Morril]

You're good.

[Bert Kreischer]

My shit's clean.

[Mark Norman]

Come on, Pete.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, last one. Denise said my liver's never been healthier.

[Mark Norman]

Is it the exercising, the water, the pills?

[Bert Kreischer]

So the way LeBron looks at his body, I look at my body, right?

[Sam Morril]

I've always said, you guys have the same.

[Mark Norman]

What the hell?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, LeBron.

[Sam Morril]

LeBron has five drinks on a podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, that's my favorite Sam laugh I've ever. I do all the he does, but I do it for my liver. So I get. I get two IVs a week.

[Sam Morril]

Look at him.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know if this is the best podcast ever recorded or I'm hammered, but this is amazing. We've gone past Drunk Burn.

[Sam Morril]

Comparing his health to LeBron James is the best moment we've had. The way LeBron looks at his body. The greatest athletes ever live.

[Mark Norman]

Your liver's the color of LeBron, I'll give you that. But I don't know about. We're doing the same health, same liver. Liver, please.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we do a Patreon called We Might Be Hammered?

[Sam Morril]

Holy shit, that's so funny.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish. I wish I wasn't a joke. Like, me.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I was a kid, I realized the funniest I was when it was. I wasn't trying to be funny. And that's. That's the purest comic you get, is, like, when you're not trying to be funny and people laugh and you're like, I don't know why they're laughing, right? And I swear to God.

[Sam Morril]

Because you can't turn it off, because you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go. I dated a chick one time, Erica Youngblood, who was so funny, and she never was trying to be funny, and she couldn't understand why I was laughing. And I was like, she's so enjoyable. And I was like. But the truth is, I really honestly saw that LeBron shit where he gets in the thing, and I was like. I literally. I wish I didn't say. I was like, like, that's me. I'm gonna start doing all this.

[Sam Morril]

You work out like crazy, though.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your.

[Mark Norman]

Your arms are huge.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a personal trainer shows up.

[Sam Morril]

Trainer.

[Mark Norman]

Is that right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Two. Yeah, we can say that now, right? I've had.

[Mark Norman]

Bleep the name.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've had two of his personal trainers. Two of them? Yeah, two of them.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

The one I have now is gangster. And I know those were awesome personal trainers.

[Mark Norman]

The black guy on the tour.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you had him.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I had him, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met him. I had another one from Boston.

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've had a bunch of. Navy SEAL guy.

[Sam Morril]

He was awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And, dude, we're doing, like.

[Sam Morril]

We're, like, working out by day. It was incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I. I sauna, cold plunge. I get IVs twice a week. I'm. I'm doing the whole regimen. I meant ways to. Well, and I shout out to Brigham and Denise over at Ways to. Well, this. Rogan's people. The people you guys.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Denise.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. She's hot and she is amazing. But, like, they. Denise and I had a meeting, you know, a couple months ago. She was like, you've had the best numbers you've ever had. And I honestly, I gotta be honest with you. There's. You can get in front of the shit that's gonna be bad. Like, you. I'm on testosterone. I'm on metformin. I got blood pressure medicine. I got cholesterol medicine. I got freaking. Not hazelnut, but, like, some, like, you're.

[Sam Morril]

Throwing out words now so much.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I take it every morning. I take it every night.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And at my bachelor party.

[Mark Norman]

That was a lot of pills on your nightstand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yes. I'm so.

[Mark Norman]

You're. You're on it. You're ahead of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I. I love. Ari and I were talking about your bachelor party last night.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that was a wild time.

[Sam Morril]

Bummed I missed that shit.

[Mark Norman]

That was a great house. Well, except for the big fight, but other than that, that was a hell of a time. The.

[Sam Morril]

You guys are good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate that it goes out there that people. Yeah. I don't like Joe now.

[Sam Morril]

You love him. You love.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just hung out with him. Yeah. Like, it bums me out that, like, fans would polarize. I don't.

[Mark Norman]

That's what they do. That's what they do. They like it. They like the shit. They like the drama. It makes their lives feel important or interesting. I don't know. I'm drug.

[Bert Kreischer]

Easy.

[Mark Norman]

It's crazy serious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that a real thing?

[Mark Norman]

Well, that's what the Internet is. It's just like, oh, let's get something goingssip and outrage. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, look at Twitter. It's all just fucking like, what the fuck? It's not like, funny doesn't work anymore. Funny is.

[Mark Norman]

It's not enough.

[Sam Morril]

Remember when Twitter was, like, all, like, puns and, like, dick jokes and then it just became like, look at this, right?

[Mark Norman]

You know what the two biggest specials were last year on Netflix? Chris Rock was one, because they want to hear about the slap.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Two is Mulaney, because they want to hear about the rehab.

[Sam Morril]

So, like you said, also two of the biggest comments.

[Mark Norman]

Well, sure, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

There are two.

[Mark Norman]

They're two.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're two. Great.

[Mark Norman]

They're two great comments. But now you got to have that extra thing. Now it's not just about the funniest. It's about, like, oh, what's the scandal that's part of comedy now, which is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kind of a bummer. I'm curious to think, as to legit best joke writers in New York. Do you see that? And you go, like, what am I going to do different?

[Mark Norman]

Nah, I don't want to feed into it. I'd rather just. Just keep being funny.

[Sam Morril]

I don't, I don't put any thought into it other than is this a joke that's working or not?

[Mark Norman]

Same because it's kind of short money. Because the slap will go away, the rehab will go away. It's just about comedy happens.

[Sam Morril]

It falls in your lap and it just happens. But, like, I think, I think with jokes, you just. What do I know? But, like, I think it's just like, you just gotta write jokes and hope they fucking land. I don't know.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you guys structure an hour? Like, I'm curious. I know. I know how I do it. But I'm such a story guy that, like, I have to do a certain way. And this special, I thought to myself, I want to be super joke heavy for the first four minutes.

[Mark Norman]

That was dense. I watched it. It is dense. You're getting a laugh every 12 seconds.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's because of you guys. Because I go like, it's not my strong suit. It's not. Not what I do well, at least. And so I was like, so let's go. I want to be like four minutes in and be like, don't turn it off. Right, that's. That's the move. I'm getting into the weeds here. But like, I looked at Netflix specials is very different as stand up is. Like. And when I started doing stand up after Netflix specials, I was like, oh, it's always about a Netflix special. So like, I always go very front loaded. Closers at 22 minutes.

[Mark Norman]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always do closure at 22 minutes.

[Mark Norman]

So how do you hang them on for the last 30?

[Bert Kreischer]

Doesn't matter.

[Mark Norman]

Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

The 32 minutes. At 22 minutes, if they've heard your closer, they're going to stick around. And I'm telling you right now the last story. And I'm not. I'm just saying the last story I have, my rate of retention is through the roof through Netflix. It's. It's through the roof, but it's.

[Sam Morril]

I think it's because you think you, because you, you pull them in early.

[Bert Kreischer]

My clothes, whatever closer I have, which I think is like oven mitts, maybe is. Is I throw it at 22 minutes because I go, yo, if you're about to turn me off Don't.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. No one's thinking like that. That's very interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been thinking like that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I mean, shit, I don't know, man. Like, that's interesting because the retention rate, I guess, is shit. But right now I just kind of do it the way I do it on the road, which is. Is not that way. My closer is my closer.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, same, I would argue. I tell you, I know that. One of my best. It's my two favorite specials I've ever seen.

[Sam Morril]

What are they?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I. I. One of them is. Is. I guess it's a. It's a side compliment, a little favorite spot.

[Mark Norman]

I'd probably go Corky and Forrest Gump. All right. Sorry, I'm drunk.

[Sam Morril]

I want to be a favorite specialist people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anthony Johnson is my best favorite opening joke I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Mark Norman]

Which one? Which special? I mean, not the last one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not the last one before that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, my friend. Fire ward in the children's unit or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

My friend said to me, my wife won't let us hang out anymore.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's a great joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

One of the best jokes ever written.

[Sam Morril]

How does it go again?

[Mark Norman]

The Internet's back. Thank God.

[Sam Morril]

This for you.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. That was 38 minutes ago.

[Sam Morril]

Jesus Christ.

[Mark Norman]

Hold on. Give me a Jez. A list of specials.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me the Jezelic joke. It's such a good joke. It's such a good joke. He's.

[Sam Morril]

He's as great as far as the right turn goes. I don't know if there's anyone better. I mean, he's like, really just.

[Mark Norman]

He's the Mr.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joke. I mean. Hang on, I got it.

[Sam Morril]

He's excellent.

[Mark Norman]

My best friend's wife is this born.

[Bert Kreischer]

Again Christian, and we do not get along at all. The other day she called me up to yell at me, saying I'm a terrible influence on her husband because he.

[Mark Norman]

Called her a bad name.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, what did he call you? A bitch? Do you know, Anthony? He did not use the B word. I said, uh, oh.

[Mark Norman]

Uh, oh, that's funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did he call you a cunt? She said, no.

[Mark Norman]

I said, well, then he didn't hear it from me.

[Sam Morril]

You know what's great about it is it's like almost like a street joke that he wrote.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, good point.

[Sam Morril]

It's like an old school, like, like, joke book joke that he modernized and made his own.

[Mark Norman]

His own. And it's dark.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's one of my favorite jokes. And by the way, and. And so.

[Mark Norman]

So I still laughed. I've heard it Still. What's the name of that special? Sorry. Just to give it a shout out.

[Sam Morril]

Fire in the Maternity War.

[Mark Norman]

That's it. Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he's. He is a. He is a great joke writer.

[Mark Norman]

Like, he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did. I did the. I did secret talk time. And. And. And I put my closure at 22 minutes. And then they were like, yo, can we do you. They brought me in. They were like, yo, you're right. Of retention.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like. And they're like, what did you do different? And I told him I put my closure.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I saw. A mile away.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn it.

[Mark Norman]

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[Sam Morril]

Wait a second. Wait a sec.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone cover your drinks.

[Mark Norman]

Get this guy a cocktail. All right, we're five, six drinks in here.

[Sam Morril]

I gotta piss anyway.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta piss, too.

[Mark Norman]

Get this guy a drink because this isn't fair. We're hammered here.

[Ari Shafir]

You're already hammered.

[Mark Norman]

It's. He's been here since three.

[Ari Shafir]

When did Bird start drinking?

[Mark Norman]

1988.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez. Well, we were. We did like a half hour on you, by the way.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, really?

[Mark Norman]

It wasn't good.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know. You know, you have to realize at this point, the speaker. People just speak with you about honesty.

[Ari Shafir]

People speak with me about honesty. Like, I gotta catch up to understand this.

[Mark Norman]

What happened last night, by the way? You guys hung out, got some hookers.

[Ari Shafir]

It was pretty sweet. Shared one spit roast. We all took turns.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, I thought I was getting last night.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, by then, some chick Costa Rican.

[Bert Kreischer]

In my room, and I had to, like, shut her down and be like, yo, this isn't happening.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, good show.

[Ari Shafir]

Not happening.

[Bert Kreischer]

She was trying to help a Drunk guy get to his room.

[Ari Shafir]

She's like, you're out of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

She was like, hey, you don't know what room you're in. You don't have a key. You don't know where you are. I'm going to get you to bed. And I was like. I was like. I called Leanne and was like, looks like someone's still getting jocked. And then I realized, oh, she's.

[Ari Shafir]

I walked Bert hob yesterday. He got to the hotel and he's like, damn, this looks like exactly like my hotel. And then he's like, oh, it's is my hotel.

[Mark Norman]

Where were you guys?

[Ari Shafir]

We just bond. Went to get cigars.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Bert's superpower and biggest problem is that he does not slur. So you can't tell how tuned up he is. Maybe it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you right now. People go, I always go, leanne will tell me if I have a drinking problem. But no one can tell know.

[Ari Shafir]

No one can tell. You never know when you're tuned up.

[Mark Norman]

I've seen you legless.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, you remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, can you explain to Ari the time we went into that strip club?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Waterloo. That was the hardest I've ever laughed. We were on the floor.

[Ari Shafir]

It was so great.

[Mark Norman]

You can never repeat it. It doesn't. Doesn't read with people.

[Bert Kreischer]

It doesn't make as much sense.

[Mark Norman]

I hear that song by abba. Great song. I hear that song. I think of that night every time. Where were we were in like, like Sweden. Stockholm. We went to some strip club and the lady was trying to be coy and she was like, yes, we cannot have you in here unless we know you. What was that it? Something like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, gentlemen, we were bombed. Our girl for a little bit more commitment. What she was mark. And Mark is reading like her real English. And he goes, so hang on, do we have to date them?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, no, no, no, no. You know what I mean. We take you downstairs for a little bit more of a commitment. And Mark's like, so we got to catch up on Game of Thrones so hard. And then. And then we left and we laughed for the whole.

[Mark Norman]

Kept tagging the bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Basically she was saying, we're hookers. This isn't a strip club. Like, it's a broth brothel.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Mark Norman]

You gotta like us and hang out a while. I don't know, wherever the we were somewhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

I took it out of a special one time. I. I never put in a special. But like the best part Is. Then Mark and I went to a strip club, and we roll in and Leanne, Texas walking in. Leanne goes, what are you doing? I'm going to strip club with Mark.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, cool. And then we sit down and Mark goes, hey, you tell her. And I go, yeah, of course. My wife. Wife. We sat down and Leanne goes, she just raced back.

[Sam Morril]

Cool. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. She goes, are you cool? Are you getting a lap dance? And we weren't at the time. Mark sees it, he goes, hey, what do you say to that? Because Mark's. I think you just started dating May.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, what do you say to that? And I was like, well, it's my wife. I'm honest with her. I said, no, I'm not getting lap days right now. Right now. And then it. Bubbles come up and Mark grabs the phone and I go, what does it say, Marcos? Hey, she called you a.

[Mark Norman]

I remember that strip club. That was a fun time. Yeah. I don't know, where were we? Reykjavik or Sweden or Copenhagen. We were somewhere.

[Sam Morril]

Those skins and aviation, it's all a blur.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mark Norman.

[Ari Shafir]

Gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

That guy was so fun. I remember you eating that velvet it cupcake, and you go, hey, I think there's weed in it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, there's a lot of weed in it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Geez, you remember more than I do. That was a blur.

[Bert Kreischer]

You made me laugh.

[Mark Norman]

I think we had a great time.

[Bert Kreischer]

We started hanging out.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. I barely knew you, and we really bonded. I mean, the flight.

[Ari Shafir]

I remember that you were worried about it, like, what do I do with Bird? I'm like, I don't throw every other drink into a plant.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. That's good advice. And I wish I did that, but you always give good advice. I did my first Rogan, and back when it was on YouTube, when it was like a career maker. And I. I was like, I got this. I got that. What should I say? And you go, you're already overthinking it. Just go in and have fun.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And that was great advice.

[Bert Kreischer]

You rolled in drunk with a tie on.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

You texted me too.

[Mark Norman]

I did the Tonight show the night before. Got hammered all night with, I don't know you. Somebody did an hour of sleep, got on a flight, flew to LA and did rogue and hungover with the tie. I had a couple pops at the. The airport.

[Sam Morril]

That's the way to do anything. You get off a flight you got. You kill a hangover with some booze and you're Like, I'm not thinking, yes, I'm the most. I'll ever be.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm the most genuine human being.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I never understand why people don't love a drunk guy accosting them. I go, yo, I'm.

[Mark Norman]

Go on.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, I've had my two favorite sandwiches, Laughs I've ever had in my entire life.

[Mark Norman]

He's a good laugh.

[Bert Kreischer]

You are the most genuine laugh in the world.

[Mark Norman]

When you drink, you're a fun guy. When you're sober, it can be tough. When he's drunk, it's a hell of a time.

[Sam Morril]

It's just a great sentence. It's like, you don't like a drunk guy accosting you right now. What's wrong with you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a talker on an airplane.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, hardcore.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember one time, I was like.

[Mark Norman]

That'S why they locked the pilot door. He won't shut the fuck up, bro.

[Sam Morril]

Burgess rolls up. Where are you flying?

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't think I haven't done that? Let me tell you something. You remember we were talking about knowing who your fans are? Yeah. Pilots of airlines love me. Love.

[Sam Morril]

How many times that worries me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Actually, I've gotten on a plane. My favorite thing in the world, Flight detective goes double jack on the rocks. Lots of rocks.

[Sam Morril]

Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, nice.

[Mark Norman]

Have you seen Sully?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

That guy knows Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Definitely.

[Mark Norman]

All right, you gotta slide in here. This is. You're 30 drinks behind.

[Ari Shafir]

I was walking home yesterday. I was with Lev. I saw Lev. And we're on the corner of 6th and, like, 4th. And some homeless guys, like, oh, you guys. And then some drunk white guys, like, I just want to hear what your joke is. And, I mean, I had to stop myself from slapping the schwarm out of his hand. I was so close to just like, no.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, but that's you.

[Ari Shafir]

That's me.

[Mark Norman]

Ah, love.

[Bert Kreischer]

When a pilot recognizes something out of someone's hand, it's always gonna be funny.

[Mark Norman]

It's so funny. They don't like it, but it's funny.

[Ari Shafir]

But it's the right thing.

[Sam Morril]

It's gotta be. It's got to be a friend. Friend you got. It's got to be a friend.

[Mark Norman]

Gotta be a friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black guy on the streets. I'm gonna join you. Don't want that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, God. Yeah, that's a bad move.

[Sam Morril]

Bird and Harlem alone. Hey, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't want that.

[Mark Norman]

Well, do you ever think, like, people are watching? Like, sometimes I think I'm in a movie. So you slap the guy. Slap the out of a guy's hand, and the guy gets mad at you and you're like, but I did it for the people at home. You guys ever have that?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you have the movie studio audience.

[Mark Norman]

Studio audience all the time.

[Sam Morril]

No, we're all deeply mentally ill. Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What a narcissist thing to say. I'm important.

[Mark Norman]

I saw George Carlin. He had that special and he said, he's like, me and my friend would get drunk and sit on a couch and pretend we were on Carson. And that's what they would do at night. They were like, in a, you know, pour in a shitbox studio apartment in la, and they would do that with Carson. Then one day I got on Carson or whatever, but I totally related to that.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, same. Oh, yeah. You have to, like, fantasize about shit I would say, like, I wasn't fantasizing chicks as much as I would, like, shit I would say to, like, Letterman.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes, me too.

[Sam Morril]

Like, obviously I was thinking about women, but I was like, I was thinking about, like, I want to. I want to hang out with Dave Letterman.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do one better.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so wait, so I don't need to see black people slapping.

[Ari Shafir]

It's about to be a shooting.

[Sam Morril]

The Internet's back and so is Matt.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. I do not need to see this.

[Mark Norman]

What the you gonna do?

[Bert Kreischer]

You just had to walk away, call someone. And then as it rains, you go, hey, what's up? Hello. Hello, Loop. And you practice your. I've done that.

[Ari Shafir]

I've done that first thing in the morning. Hello.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up? Like, I called Joey today and. And I was like, in bed and I was ringing. I was like, what's up, big guy? Hey. Hey, what's up? How you doing? Hey, Joey. Joey. Hello. Yeah, I do that all the time.

[Mark Norman]

I do that too. And it's sad. If anyone saw it, you'd kill yourself.

[Sam Morril]

But basically, Travis Bickle in Texas.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes, exactly. Movie hits home. Yeah, I mean, I've run my set. Like my. Like a Tonight show set or whatever. I'm Conan. I used to run that in my apartment over and over. I'd picture Conan, be like, get over. That was the best we've ever seen. I go, thanks.

[Sam Morril]

Because I would listen to Seinfeld in, like, interviews on Fresh Air, and he would be like, you gotta go jogging every day? And I'm like, yeah, I'll go running. And like, what does that do with comedy? But you're like, it's Jerry saying this. Yeah, I'll run And I'll.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

There's not a single video in existence of Jerry Seinfeld running.

[Sam Morril]

Except. Except for that episode maybe.

[Mark Norman]

About running away from Dice. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Sprinting away from Dice. Trying to. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

He didn't like Dice. No.

[Ari Shafir]

Dice was doing the thing, but he didn't know it was him. He goes, jerry, Jerry. And just. Jerry's like some fan. I'm tensing up. I'm not gonna turn around. And Dice just stays after him. He didn't want to bop.

[Mark Norman]

Well, it ended a friend in a park. It ended nicely.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hang on. If you come up to me, you're an outlier. No, I'm not.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

I'm a liar.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. I'm not. No. The truth.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you mean you're cool if someone walks up to you with a phone?

[Mark Norman]

Are you kidding? That's his dream.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's your. An outline.

[Bert Kreischer]

And don't shame that dream. Let's. Let's. Hang on.

[Sam Morril]

I think. I think.

[Ari Shafir]

You'Re a man of the.

[Bert Kreischer]

People, wrote that down. This down to Keynes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There are two types of people. There are comics that pretend they don't want to be famous. Right. They're liars and they're manipulators. Why get on stage. Don't. What do you think you're a gift to the gods? Odds that we needed your fucking words to share with us?

[Sam Morril]

No one's disputing that. I'm just saying the walk up without the consent of the. Of the video. Just ask for consent.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, nope, not you. You're a regular people. Regular people. You're forgetting who your mom is, who your sister is.

[Sam Morril]

My mom wouldn't go up to someone.

[Bert Kreischer]

With a phone, I'm telling you, with a friend. You are overestimating the world based on your experiences. And we would never do that. We would never do that. But the regular person sees Al just.

[Sam Morril]

Say, hey, can I take a view?

[Bert Kreischer]

Al Roker. And goes, Al Roker. I'm telling you who the regular person sees. You get weak at Al Roker.

[Sam Morril]

Bird is hammered.

[Bert Kreischer]

The regular human goes. His biggest hero. Oh, that's Al Roker. That's Al Roker. He's at a table. He's having dinner. Can you believe that's. Can you believe I sat next to Al Roker and they do a video? Now, listen, Al Roer sees that, I'll tell you the person it happens to the most. Matt La.

[Mark Norman]

Who?

[Bert Kreischer]

Adam Richmond.

[Ari Shafir]

Man versus food.

[Bert Kreischer]

Man versus food. Happened to him all the time.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was friends.

[Sam Morril]

I like that. Guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was friends with him, and I'd watch it happen to him, and I'd watch him get upset, and I should call him right now to let him defend.

[Sam Morril]

Call him.

[Mark Norman]

Is he still around?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course. He's great. He's great.

[Sam Morril]

No, I'm fine with the video. I'll do your video. Just say, hey, can I take a video? That's all I'm asking.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't swarm in the middle of picking my nose and eating it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Privilege. What you don't realize is the average person never thinks you're gonna allow them to do that. Never thinks they would.

[Sam Morril]

I'm not, actually.

[Ari Shafir]

No. The average person asks. The average person asks.

[Sam Morril]

I've never had someone imagine doing that.

[Ari Shafir]

To a regular person, just a normal guy in the street.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'd be like, you're a liar.

[Sam Morril]

Except for in that steam room, you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not a regular person.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm a Jew. Different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Better.

[Mark Norman]

True.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stronger. Smarter. You gotta realize yourself into regular people's lives. You're in Orlando.

[Ari Shafir]

That's where comics go to die.

[Sam Morril]

You're in Orlando yourself. Guys, everyone. You're in Orlando, Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're eating Hooters, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you got a mega fan right next to you.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He sees you.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta. You gotta remember what it's like to be a regular person.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Forgotten what it's like.

[Sam Morril]

No, I haven't.

[Mark Norman]

I know what you mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way. By the way.

[Sam Morril]

Al Roker. I grew up in the city, and I knew a girl who was hammered in high school, and she's puking on the sidewalk, and Al Roker walked up to her, and he goes, that's a disgrace.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right now. Adam Richard, more than anyone I've ever seen.

[Mark Norman]

Really.

[Sam Morril]

We literally just got that bottom.

[Bert Kreischer]

My argument always to him was, really?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we need. In studio. We need la.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's what regular people.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. You can't deny.

[Mark Norman]

You can't deny it. I agree. I agree.

[Sam Morril]

I agree with you. I'm. I'm half around.

[Mark Norman]

Guy Fieri must get it all day long.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And here's the deal. Just go like, hey, what's up, man?

[Mark Norman]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's diffuse it.

[Sam Morril]

And then we take the video.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we take the video.

[Sam Morril]

I'm a. We're saying the same thing.

[Mark Norman]

This is why Seinfeld's the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just put me to voicemail.

[Mark Norman]

Wow, look at this. Look. He's getting berated by what he thinks is a crazy guy in New York.

[Ari Shafir]

Big shot over here.

[Mark Norman]

Big shot over here. This is why dice is so funny. And then Seinfeld goes, oh, it's a comedian. Yeah, let's hang. That's what's cool about Seinfeld. He's this clean comic. He's a big mainstream celebrity. He's getting trolled by this guy and he's like, oh, you're a comic. Comic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Let's get a photo.

[Ari Shafir]

And he's huge into the rave scene. Rave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, rave.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, rave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rave. Oh, I did. I definitely raved a girl.

[Sam Morril]

Statutory rave.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I got Delaga bull raped a girl.

[Ari Shafir]

But I have barbecues at my house and. And Norman would bring over half drunk bottles of Lagavulin. My saga's leftovers from the Lagavulin from the Schumer green room.

[Bert Kreischer]

This. What's this?

[Sam Morril]

I would say. I would say Lagavulin is like, you can't beat that.

[Ari Shafir]

So, Peter, you can chew it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, like drinking bacon, dude.

[Mark Norman]

It's very good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pretty lit right now.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we all are pretty lit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like this.

[Mark Norman]

This is nice. It's 5:30.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do is we should do. Do you guys have Patreon?

[Mark Norman]

Nah, we're too lazy.

[Sam Morril]

We got rid of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at it. It's so great.

[Sam Morril]

Let me see.

[Mark Norman]

So, Jack, it's hard.

[Ari Shafir]

It.

[Sam Morril]

That's hardcore.

[Ari Shafir]

That's hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

325 pounds.

[Sam Morril]

Jesus, you're big, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I Jack.

[Mark Norman]

Jack. I lift, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is turn.

[Sam Morril]

This has turned so gay. I'm touching his muscles. He's like, I lift.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, this podcast used to be. I, I, I got to be honest with you.

[Mark Norman]

Well, the old Rogans with like Burr and all these guys, they say horrible. It's so fun because they assume no one's listening. Listening.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember.

[Sam Morril]

The second we get WI fi back, he couldn't wait to look up Orlando.

[Ari Shafir]

What a hanger.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a good right.

[Ari Shafir]

What a hanger. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mine. Go to mine. Go to mine.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Mark Norman]

You're doing good. You're doing all right. You're better than that.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not soft. I'm not. That's a soft king.

[Mark Norman]

Soft king. Soft serve.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ari, Ari. Solid. Give it a raider one.

[Mark Norman]

That.

[Ari Shafir]

That's an eight and a half.

[Mark Norman]

Eight and a half.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a picture of me naked eating a lollipop in front of Burt. Dad is so stuffed. There's like nine angles on that. What do you have a squid for a.

[Mark Norman]

It's chubbed up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm chubbed up.

[Sam Morril]

It's going in eight different directions.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing in there.

[Mark Norman]

Squid games.

[Sam Morril]

Those Are balls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are balls. And that's a dick. And a head of a dick.

[Mark Norman]

That is the thinnest speedo ever. How did you find that speedo Mark?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a great question. Speedos come with a liner. Liner. And I cut the liner.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I knew something was up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, the better to jizz in there with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, where do you see the panties I wear? What? Oh, my Leanne got me some panties and they're hot. Are we looking for Ari's?

[Mark Norman]

Well, the ball bag is really where Ari shines the ball.

[Sam Morril]

I don't even know what that means. How do you shine?

[Mark Norman]

Well, he's got a huge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, there's down.

[Sam Morril]

Is that good?

[Bert Kreischer]

Shut this down. I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

Black and white. I'm behind him. Naked. Yeah, I'm right behind him.

[Mark Norman]

That's. That's pre drugging.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just. I. I can't. There's certain things I can't Google. Like, I just know that they're not my Google thing and like.

[Sam Morril]

All right, I've seen enough of your screw.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, we got it. We got it.

[Sam Morril]

I've seen.

[Mark Norman]

What are you doing tonight, Ari?

[Ari Shafir]

Might do spots. I might blow them up off depending on what's happening.

[Mark Norman]

We're going to the Knicks game. Barf, huh?

[Ari Shafir]

Going to barf in the court.

[Mark Norman]

Probably. We're going to pull a Tracy, Oregon. Yeah, how about that? That'll sell tickets for the next year and a half.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you got to scrape like your.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tour dates in tickets. I'll throw up on a court. I'm surprised you haven't a permission to party. World tour starts September 19th.

[Mark Norman]

You got a new set. I mean, you just put a special.

[Sam Morril]

You have a new hour.

[Ari Shafir]

It's six months from now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now. And I. I just did nine months off, so all I've been doing is writing jokes.

[Sam Morril]

So you feel like your life. It's interesting because Louie. Louie called me the other day and he was like, you working too much. You're calling at the seller too much. Just live. And I was like, yeah. So I've been working way less and I've never done. Liz just like, was like, you're doing stuff like List was giving me shit.

[Mark Norman]

You go to the next game tonight, you go to the next game tomorrow, and you go to Yankees. Yankees the next day. Yeah. That's a lot of sports.

[Ari Shafir]

Opening day. Oh, nice.

[Mark Norman]

You should go.

[Ari Shafir]

First week I'll be gone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, but I. I think there's truth to it, you know, I think there's Todd Berry the other Day was like, tell me. He's like, there's a Chris Rock thing he said, where he goes, your audience is living. You gotta live.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta know what they're. What they're dealing with.

[Sam Morril]

It's true, though.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait in the line.

[Sam Morril]

What was the face, Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I like, imagine Todd Berry riding a roller coaster. Yeah, look. What are we talking about? Living? Look, I mean, I love you. What are you doing? Yeah. You do a lot of water slides.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Roller coasters, horseback ride.

[Sam Morril]

That is fair.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good point.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want you to call me of things you want me to do next week.

[Sam Morril]

That's actually a TV show.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a great point.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great point.

[Sam Morril]

God was not the messenger for this.

[Bert Kreischer]

One, but I love Todd Berry.

[Sam Morril]

That's a TV show. Google Chrysler presents Todd Berry does things.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Google Todd Berry doing anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, guys. Todd Barry's like a black man. He just hangs out by the basketball court, goes to the club.

[Mark Norman]

Ah, basketball court's generous. He's going to a diner alone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black dudes do nothing.

[Sam Morril]

But I think we got to wrap this up.

[Bert Kreischer]

You talk about, like, black dudes doing. What are you talking kayaking?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no, that's not happening.

[Bert Kreischer]

Talking about the life.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I thought you're talking about work.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black dudes, they just do, like, a. They're only allowed to do. Do Al Jackson, a great bit about it.

[Mark Norman]

Barbershop.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're only allowed to do a couple things.

[Ari Shafir]

Holler at a white shop, go to.

[Bert Kreischer]

The court and go to the club.

[Ari Shafir]

Holler. A white woman on South Beach.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it. And, and. And. And. And. But what's so funny is, like, Todd Barry is a black guy. Technically, he doesn't do a ton of.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, he's not doing any of those things.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever been paddleboarding?

[Sam Morril]

You've definitely paddled.

[Mark Norman]

You've been to China.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've been all over the world on the surfboard, when you paddle, when you stand up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've done that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever done kayaks?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

White water rafting?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Surfing?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Tom Barry's done none of those.

[Bert Kreischer]

None of those.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good point.

[Ari Shafir]

Tom Bears stand at the beach, go, ugh, look at these people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, look at this. This is Ari and I wake surfing.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Like, white guys do a lot of.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, we do.

[Ari Shafir]

We have free time, and this is lots of money.

[Sam Morril]

We're dancing in a dangerous line here, though. White guys do a lot of.

[Mark Norman]

We pay our taxes, we raise Our kids. We do a school shooting.

[Ari Shafir]

We hang. We hang out with our fathers.

[Mark Norman]

Oklahoma City bombing.

[Ari Shafir]

That was all us.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I could tell a Bill Burr joke. We register our guns.

[Sam Morril]

You and bur are cool again, aren't you?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, good. Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we're cool. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. What do you mean, here we go?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're cool. No, no, we're cool. We're cool. We. We hung out at Chappelle's Place. We're cool.

[Mark Norman]

I saw that.

[Ari Shafir]

What else? What do white. When do white people and black people connect to do something?

[Mark Norman]

Drinking.

[Ari Shafir]

Drinking? Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Smoking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. 1. Drinking's a big one.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, you know, it's a big moment with a black guy when a hot lady walks by, and you go. And you see the black guy. Look, and you go.

[Ari Shafir]

Connection.

[Mark Norman]

Well, that's a connection. Nothing connects black and white more than women. More than, like, a fat ass. Yeah, that's a beautiful moment.

[Sam Morril]

We all like a fat ass.

[Bert Kreischer]

My first day of work, working at the Boston Comedy Club, Patrice O'Neal, Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton, and Rich Voss were standing on West 3rd Street.

[Ari Shafir]

A black, a Jew, a trans lover, and a walk into a bar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Patrice was cat calling ladies. I'd never seen that fat cat. I grew up in Florida. We don't cat call. I live in our cul de sac. Like, I've never seen someone cat call.

[Ari Shafir]

Something tough to do it to your neighbor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, Ms. Kropopoulos.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like. I was blown away. I'd never seen it. And they were all having fun with.

[Mark Norman]

It, you know, did it work at all? I'm sure it doesn't. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Work. It's never. I mean, it has to work sometimes.

[Sam Morril]

I don't think it just gets some attention.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no.

[Ari Shafir]

Numbers game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. I. I'm. I didn't put this joke in my special. Special. Yeah, but I'll argue this.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. I, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Cat called. I was doing what?

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got. Cat called. I was doing Schultz. I brought Isla with me.

[Ari Shafir]

Schultz. Cat called Isla. What's up, Dime?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was doing. I was doing Schultz, and I had Isla with me, and my sperm doesn't work. And she. And she was like, why would they do that? And I go, because it. It works.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you're a piece.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, no, it doesn't work. I go, you have self esteem. Clearly it works. Do it like there's clearly, like. I go, when you go fishing, do you put. Do you whistle at the water? She goes, no. I said, why not? She goes, well, that's not how you catfish catch fish. I went, yeah, you put a hook in the water and I'm certain there's some fish that feel threatened. One fish going, I'll suck that hook.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I'm getting these parenting tips. Yeah, this is good stuff here.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, I don't think I want to meet Andrew. No, but.

[Sam Morril]

But there's no success stories about like a. Like a happy marriage that met through, like, look at that fat ass.

[Bert Kreischer]

I kind of get it.

[Ari Shafir]

I think I just want attention. And that's it. That's. That's what they're going for a little bit like, shut up, you. And then move on.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Because every once in a while it's like, they probably laughed, like, right. Like it's nice to be noticed, but like, we don't like it, but it's nice to be noticed.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Biggest hero.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been like, I calling.

[Sam Morril]

I think there's probably Latino women love it. A type of person who likes it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But trans women love it.

[Ari Shafir]

Trans women love it.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dud hollering a trans woman. She's into it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, cuz they're like, hey, oh, go.

[Bert Kreischer]

To Santa Monica and La Brea. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

They're just like, let's book a ticket. Let's do this right now.

[Ari Shafir]

Travel channel, bring it back.

[Sam Morril]

Trans women all over the world we called bir. Like, dude, you were right. They. They're loving it.

[Mark Norman]

They love it.

[Sam Morril]

They're loving this.

[Bert Kreischer]

What were we talking about before this?

[Ari Shafir]

Doing stuff. Best hero I ever saw in the black community. Going into outside lands. And some as the crowd was going in, some black guy was just looking at every woman's like, kitchen number. Can I get your numbers game?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got your number.

[Ari Shafir]

No fear.

[Mark Norman]

I used to do that when I was single and I was like a teenager. I just go up to random girls.

[Sam Morril]

Sam, get your numbers game. Batting average.

[Mark Norman]

It worked, cuz. There's always a woman out there. Like, I just got divorced. It got dumped. I need. I need some male attention. Boom. You got the number.

[Ari Shafir]

You got robbed. Your stats.

[Sam Morril]

Outside lands was the man.

[Mark Norman]

What's so good?

[Ari Shafir]

For a while before it went kids. But it was fun. It's right there.

[Sam Morril]

Best in New York too. No, it's an sf.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I never did that, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, no. I'm thinking of the governor's ball. But outside lands ruled.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, I remember doing a gig there. The who was playing. It was what?

[Mark Norman]

The who. What year was this?

[Ari Shafir]

I saw. I saw Paul McCartney there.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, they used to fly us out.

[Bert Kreischer]

It Was great industry planet Paul McCartney. Vampire Weekend's badass.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great band.

[Bert Kreischer]

Vampire Weekend doi. I love do you know do I know do. She would not love you, but she would.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we used to hook up.

[Mark Norman]

Dude.

[Sam Morril]

You used to.

[Mark Norman]

12 years ago, it was doi.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, back when she was doi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kitten. Doi.

[Mark Norman]

This is a lady, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know this will.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that's do.

[Sam Morril]

Let's go through the list so far. We got Leanne Morgan, Sarah Silverman. Doi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Janine Garofalo.

[Ari Shafir]

Janine Garofalo can get it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, who Janine. You see her sometimes. You get off stage, she's waiting. It's in the dark.

[Mark Norman]

Like, who the Is that the Reality bites. Holy hell. Look at this lady wearing underwear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dochi's letting you know light skinned chicks aren't in anymore.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Blood diamond in the house.

[Ari Shafir]

Big Freeda's playing, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

I'm happy that we. I was like, bert Kreischer podcast over. Under two hours. We all took the over, I think.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Matt caught. Matt wrote me. He was like, come down here. Like, how long ago? Like 45 minutes. We probably got like three more hours.

[Mark Norman]

Well done, Peters.

[Bert Kreischer]

This.

[Mark Norman]

She's cool as too.

[Ari Shafir]

She's the coolest.

[Bert Kreischer]

The baddest in town.

[Mark Norman]

Defended Louie, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Also, she was. Dude, she was a really great comic actress. Like Romeo Michelle's high school reunion.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's amazing.

[Mark Norman]

Reality bites by cats and dogs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Consciousness. Stand up comedy. Brilliant.

[Ari Shafir]

You tats are great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Her vibe to get it. If you're. If you're a pedestrian, you won't get it. I love Jenny.

[Sam Morril]

Get in there.

[Mark Norman]

It's awesome. She's a good egg. She still does sets.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doji is like, that'd be a good lesbo couple.

[Ari Shafir]

Dolce and Janine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm trying to invite her family to do My two Bears. Okay, do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Cut a promo.

[Mark Norman]

Is she famous? I'm so out of the loop. I'm old.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't.

[Sam Morril]

She's huge.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know anything.

[Sam Morril]

We don't know who. Who is famous. We're not good at this.

[Mark Norman]

I'm out of the.

[Sam Morril]

Matt will send us guests and we're like, we don't know who any.

[Mark Norman]

I like Bill Murray.

[Ari Shafir]

D O E. I like.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you. You know, I wanted Kristen Ritter on the podcast, but I guess she bailed bad. I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

I want John Ritter on.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, the Rizzler has stood us up twice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiny desk. Go to her.

[Mark Norman]

What the hell is this? Go to her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiny desk, go to her tiny.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know if we can play any of this.

[Ari Shafir]

She's old school hip hop. She's bringing it back.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, good. Good for her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at her on this tiny desk.

[Mark Norman]

I like a tiny desk.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Go to the. Go to the. Go to where the. The spike is right where the spike is right here.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, the spike bird knows all about the spikes.

[Mark Norman]

You know how to. You know how to spike a drink. That's what I. Sorry. Tell me you going great teeth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Be in a room with her finishing a glass of win. This.

[Mark Norman]

Is what's great about this pod. I never thought we'd get here. Yeah, no one saw this guy nails.

[Sam Morril]

You never know we're going to end up.

[Bert Kreischer]

But probably George's age.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez. How old now I'm into her 22.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

If you were. If you were single, what's the youngest you would go sexual?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, good question.

[Bert Kreischer]

About 34.

[Sam Morril]

34. I think that's respectable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, actually. And if we're being real, I just. I clean up geriatric.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I agree.

[Bert Kreischer]

I clean up perimenopausal. I'd slay a bunch of that sweat at night.

[Mark Norman]

Who's Perimenopausal? I don't know her.

[Sam Morril]

It's a different rapper. Is a great rapper name.

[Mark Norman]

Jer is banging like a nine year old who share like. That's what we always go. Oh, men are creeps. These women, they get power. They.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to date a chick who doesn't know Fletch.

[Ari Shafir]

34 does not know Fletch.

[Bert Kreischer]

I need you to know who I'm. What I'm talking.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I can't play a song. And you go, who's this?

[Sam Morril]

And I go, 34 might not know Billy Madison. You're like. You might.

[Ari Shafir]

Fletch. I was a kid, kid.

[Sam Morril]

You might be in a truck.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do it Peter. I testate Peter. Peter. How do you.

[Mark Norman]

Peters 28.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Peter, like, will be like, yeah, I don't know who that is.

[Mark Norman]

You're 28. You don't know Fletch who is in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He only knows it because of me.

[Mark Norman]

Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

He only knows it because of me.

[Mark Norman]

All right, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to have Peter about love. And I'm.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know where this came from, but I'm loving it. I'm loving it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm being so real right now, and I hope this gets clipped out and shared with everyone.

[Sam Morril]

Get ready.

[Ari Shafir]

Clip it, send it, post it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is a shared moment that you both get for me and Leanne. You know what it is? Googly, googly. Everyone gonna get it. Let's move on. Right?

[Mark Norman]

You get that?

[Sam Morril]

No, I don't know what's happening.

[Mark Norman]

Googly, googly.

[Ari Shafir]

Adam Sandler.

[Mark Norman]

You know what?

[Ari Shafir]

Adam Sandler.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, it was a real shotgun. I'll give you another one. Yeah, ignore that. Edit that out. Triple it up. Ready?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The thing about love is you want a shared moment that you both have that you both get.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne says to me, I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter.

[Sam Morril]

David tell.

[Ari Shafir]

Phantom Menace.

[Mark Norman]

Thanks for the memories that I got.

[Bert Kreischer]

To teach that to.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's most women.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to do the work. I don't do the work that I got to teach you how to be a grown up. Where you get. David tell.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And so I. I wanted to sound like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. You finished my statement, Mark.

[Mark Norman]

I know it will.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is what love is. Love is. Is getting your same thing together where you guys just get it and.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Cultural references.

[Bert Kreischer]

30 years old. Who doesn't get it?

[Sam Morril]

But that's why being this a similar age does help.

[Ari Shafir]

It's shared experience too. You talk about something, then all of a sudden you just look like. Huh? And they both laugh.

[Mark Norman]

Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Bert Kreischer]

Georgia.

[Sam Morril]

And how about Al Pacino?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's like.

[Sam Morril]

He's like, these are my movies. She's like, I wasn't born.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I don't even know who you are.

[Ari Shafir]

He's having kids older than the mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna tell you a secret.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Story. The girls. The. And this is why I love my kids, the girls. I have a bunch of friends over and they put on Matt Rife, his new specials coming out, and they like it. It's okay. Georgia and I go, you want to see something really funny? And they put on Shane Gillis.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's love, right? When. When. When Georgia goes, you know, like with a little pain is them. Yeah. Like. Like that's what fucking love is, is when you all get the same joke. And I can't do that with a fucking 20.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only fucker from behind. And I. I will do that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, when you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Pull up. Fucking who? Fuck young kids.

[Sam Morril]

I want to see Bert Kreischer's dirt bag era, though, where he's just banging, fixing behind with AirPods in his sliding.

[Ari Shafir]

Glass doors, where Leanne memories.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to sound like a boot stuck in metal, only better.

[Mark Norman]

At least Put an iPad in front of her face and just show her like, chris Rock, bring the pain.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd only slam old chicks.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, old chicks.

[Sam Morril]

No, I like old chicks.

[Ari Shafir]

And if they're old enough, you can blast in them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Old school boobs are sexy as disgusting.

[Ari Shafir]

Way wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're wrong. You're wrong.

[Ari Shafir]

Old school boobs are knee boobs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. You ready? Ready. Old school boobs.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are 70s boobs. Boobs?

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Old school boobs in the 70s.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great utter right, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Is this the next presidential debate? We'll see. Which tits do you guys want?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like what, what, what, what. What genre of porn, age wise, do you think is the best?

[Ari Shafir]

I think it's 80s where you get the triangle because they can't sunbathe outside. So you get the.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, the tan line.

[Bert Kreischer]

A sun one burnt tit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is so hot.

[Mark Norman]

And this is all real by. There's no plastic surgery, there's no implants, there's no lip injections, no Botox. This is the real deal. Look at.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are Leanne's tits.

[Ari Shafir]

You ever see. You ever see Holtzman's bit? Holtzman's a bit about Charlie's Angels. When the movie came out, it goes. I don't like this movie Charlie's Angels because it gives women the frost impression that they can defend themselves. I am a 240 pound former crack addict.

[Bert Kreischer]

I will murder you. These boobs are the best. Boobs. Boobs. Just type in 70s boobs. Damn 70s boobs for the best boobs, you guys yet. But like I was in the 80s. I was like, maybe not. No, you guys were 82.

[Sam Morril]

I was breastfed in some 70s boobs. They were pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

83 80s boobs. 70s boobs with a damn.

[Ari Shafir]

Look at that lady.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, what's her face?

[Ari Shafir]

That is.

[Mark Norman]

What's her name? Machete landing chick from True Lies.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, Jamie Lee Curtis.

[Mark Norman]

Jamie Lee Curtis. What a body.

[Bert Kreischer]

The up. Those are the best booze you've ever seen in your entire life.

[Mark Norman]

That's a wide.

[Ari Shafir]

Those are weird. Those look AI.

[Bert Kreischer]

That looks like one T. Yeah, that.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. Those are huge. Who is this broad?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not loving these.

[Mark Norman]

Who is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, what are you doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

What? All right, all right, all right.

[Sam Morril]

I'm taking orders here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pivot, pivot.

[Mark Norman]

Click on right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in small 70s.

[Ari Shafir]

Ooh, that would. Pete's not.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus, Mark, edit that out. I can't let her hear him say that.

[Mark Norman]

All right? She's a good egg.

[Ari Shafir]

Small 70s boobs.

[Mark Norman]

By the way, McCrone might be the king of the. The mil. He's b. He's banging a lady teacher. His teacher, who's 35 years older than him and he married her.

[Sam Morril]

Emmanuel Mc.

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Sam Morril]

The French.

[Mark Norman]

French Prime Minister or whatever you call it. He's banging his teacher. He was friends with his friends with her daughter. He went to class with her.

[Sam Morril]

He literally lived the Graduate.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

She's holding it together.

[Sam Morril]

Which, by the way, fucking great movie.

[Ari Shafir]

Great movie, great ending.

[Mark Norman]

What's the name? Mike Phillips.

[Ari Shafir]

No, if they're holding it together, Nichols, like Demi Moore. She's still got it. She can still get it. Jeanine Garofalo can still get it.

[Sam Morril]

Hottest women ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Sam Morril]

I love Ari saying it like it's charity. I guess I can fuck the meme.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sam, Sam, hold on.

[Ari Shafir]

You know what? I'll change my opinion. I won't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Another drink, right?

[Sam Morril]

I'll do them.

[Mark Norman]

We're hanging.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm piss. Hold on. You drunk is the best thing in the world.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I'm a.

[Mark Norman]

You drunk is a good time.

[Bert Kreischer]

You drunk.

[Sam Morril]

I'm a fun drunk.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me explain. When I got to New York, what turned me on? Alcohol and specifically bullet bourbon or bullet rye on the rocks. Was you. Mackie. Norman, Liss. Not doing shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, Mackie.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. Hanley. Wolf. And it was just such a crew, and you show up like I'm.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, my God. You show up.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm just going to a spot and leave. And you see everybody with that small. Small ice, and you're like, I'll be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here for four hours.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's do it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Wolf, get lit up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Booze, Wolf. Boozes. Oh, what? I only talk to her about running?

[Ari Shafir]

No, you're wasting it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no, it's. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a comp.

[Ari Shafir]

She's a sprit queen.

[Sam Morril]

Michelle. I mean, we've wanted Michelle in here forever. She's never here. But she. She's. She is. She said she'd come on.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, she'll come on.

[Sam Morril]

I've always wanted her.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's still in Madrid.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that is part of the problem.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's a long flight.

[Mark Norman]

I went and hung out with her in Madrid. She's got her own club there.

[Sam Morril]

She wants to come on, though. She said. Yeah, that'd be fun. Just. I haven't seen her forever.

[Ari Shafir]

A lit up Michelle is gonna have to be so heavily edited all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what's so great about Michelle?

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just a talk.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

She keeps it real.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you. Okay, ready? Best gossip in comedy.

[Ari Shafir]

Who is interesting? Yeah, these guys.

[Sam Morril]

We're fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, yeah, no, I. I have my answer.

[Mark Norman]

Please.

[Bert Kreischer]

Europe. You're up there. I'm.

[Ari Shafir]

Listen, we're talking about. In the discussion first.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm talking.

[Sam Morril]

Are. Are you making us number one?

[Bert Kreischer]

Number one. Number one.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you, Matt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tim Dillon.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Tim.

[Mark Norman]

Tim can talk. We can talk about anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's the best Gossip. Gossip.

[Sam Morril]

And Tim's just. He just makes you feel like you're a part of something. Like, he's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me tell you something. Tim Kelly's not about gossip.

[Mark Norman]

He's out of. He's out of.

[Sam Morril]

I miss Dylan. I feel like we don't see him enough at all.

[Mark Norman]

Tim comes in every now and then. I. I go, hey, Tim, you want to do the pot? He goes, I. I got things to do.

[Ari Shafir]

Tim's the king of, like, I'll do it. And then you get the worry. You're like, oh, missed my flight.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. That's a lot of work.

[Sam Morril]

But that's how we are with everything. We. We want to do everything. And then you ask us, and we're like, I'm hungover.

[Mark Norman]

But you get Tim in a green room, and it's just. It just elevates. You don't even want to go on stage. You're like, oh, this is good. This is better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Schumer in her prime was a great trash talker.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Intervention with her say, come back to trash talk and just go, go. Like, you could do it.

[Mark Norman]

She could do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're gonna pull you away. We're gonna take you to upstate New York, and we're gonna turn you back into a.

[Sam Morril]

What is she, a dog with an illness?

[Bert Kreischer]

We gotta stop talking about politics.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm talking about every comic and be like, and we love you to death.

[Ari Shafir]

No more prayer sessions.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she was. This is what sucks about Schumer is that, like, everyone forgets she was a great hang.

[Sam Morril]

Great hang. We did.

[Mark Norman]

We did that.

[Ari Shafir]

Whatever that big festival thing was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Adam Richmond.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Adam Richmond.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, Adam.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now I. I'm sitting here with Mark Norman, Samuel, and Ari Shafir.

[Mark Norman]

He doesn't know who we are.

[Sam Morril]

He doesn't know we are, but it's nice to see you, Adam.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen, great hat. I'm going to turn you and I. I know your position on this. I'm defending the opposite, but I know your position on this.

[Mark Norman]

Pull up some. Some celebrity.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you feel. How do you feel about when people videotape you and you and and they do it on the sly on a.

[Mark Norman]

Podcast randomly, without being asked.

[Sam Morril]

Well, it's different on podcasts randomly. It's like, fair game, I guess.

[Bert Kreischer]

Question. Right.

[Sam Morril]

But, like, generally speaking, like, I think I'm always, like, pretty approachable for, like, photos and videos just coming out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ask me.

[Ari Shafir]

Just come ask me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just come out.

[Mark Norman]

Just come ask me.

[Sam Morril]

What? I said. I said ask.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Consent.

[Sam Morril]

Adam. Adam, Can I ask you a question? Because you're, like, a food guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? What?

[Sam Morril]

Best pizza in. In America. What do you think?

[Ari Shafir]

America?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, man. I mean, I'm gonna say. I'll just say New York. Like, just flat. Because there's so many different styles. I mean, like, a spot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I meant, where's your favorite place in New York?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, too many.

[Bert Kreischer]

Too.

[Sam Morril]

Too damn many. Like, right now, I just moved to the Bronx, so I'm looking.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, the Bronx.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love.

[Sam Morril]

I love Linda Street. I love best pizza. Pizza Nabalatana. Oh, six spot by the Metro north station called Pizzarelli. Casa de Focaccia.

[Ari Shafir]

Slots.

[Mark Norman]

All right, all right. Best in America.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's gonna say Asian.

[Sam Morril]

Go yourself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me tell you something, man. I. I always say this. You are underrepresented with how smart you are. Can we do a game real quick?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is my favorite thing in the world. Ready?

[Sam Morril]

Say hi to my friend Chris, by the way. Hey, Chris.

[Ari Shafir]

What's up?

[Bert Kreischer]

Watch this.

[Mark Norman]

We've been drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy smart.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, Adam, can you give me an intro to man versus food for Columbus, Ohio?

[Sam Morril]

We did Columbus last time with Tommy. You want to pick another city, man?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'll be in Columbus Universe. Was. You give me a city. I don't know a city.

[Ari Shafir]

Spokane, Dallas.

[Bert Kreischer]

Any. Have the guys pick any man versus.

[Mark Norman]

Food that they've seen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I give it the intro.

[Ari Shafir]

Seattle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Seattle.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, let me just remember what the challenge was. Got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

So I went to broken yolk. Red mill.

[Mark Norman]

Broken yolk.

[Sam Morril]

I did red mill. Broken yolk.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. Remember the other you go to chairs.

[Sam Morril]

I had in Seattle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Got it, got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Watch this.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

I'm here in Seattle, Washington, the jewel of Pacific Southwest, right here on Puget Sound. Famed for its unbelievable music scene, its architecture, vibrant sports culture, and of course, it's seafood. That's the first thing I'm going to dig into. But while I'm here, I can't miss some of the best burgers. Voted second in the country at Red Mill. And it all leads up to the broken broken yolk challenge.

[Mark Norman]

I didn't know he was autistic.

[Sam Morril]

Egg challenge. Full with Hash browns, sausage, peppers. You're gonna be fun with dementia. I get a picture on the.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

You are blowing their mind out of it.

[Sam Morril]

Wow. Broken yolk challenge. 12 eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage, all served on a massive platter within the time limit. Then I get two. Seattle. Food, immortality, A picture on the wall of faith. And yes, indeed, the kitchen may be grunge. Today, it's all about rock and roll.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Norman]

What a pro, bro.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you to death, man.

[Sam Morril]

Guys, will you tell Bert to return my calls and text?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Norman]

One of us.

[Ari Shafir]

He's one of us.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow.

[Mark Norman]

Don't kill yourself.

[Sam Morril]

We gotta wrap this up. We're going to a game.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Broken yoke. Good Abortion title.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can do that? We got drunk one night in story tracks in Arizona, and I kept going. I was just naming cities. And he'd do the read. He'd do the read. I can kind of do them, but I it up because I can remember the challenge. And you know the read, but the read, he's the reed. Crazy knows all that here in Las Vegas, Nevada. And I'm ready to take on the final foursome challenge. Like, it's kind of crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's intense.

[Mark Norman]

He's a. He's a pro. I could feel like we could do that with the city, but to do it like that. Hey, Seattle, Go to this bar. That.

[Ari Shafir]

And the way he says it, too.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Ari Shafir]

Full promo.

[Mark Norman]

Sounds like a TV show.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like. He's like a pro wrestler.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, he's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

What time you got to go?

[Mark Norman]

The game lives in the Bronx.

[Sam Morril]

We're leaving in a few. We got to plug some dates. Where you going to be, man?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you back? Permission to party? World tour.

[Mark Norman]

Check out Lucky on Netflix.

[Ari Shafir]

Check out Lucky on Lucky on Netflix.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right now, you bears. 5k is may 4th. Burk cast me, Jelly Roll and Tom.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez. He's gonna die out there.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a lot of jiggle.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a lot. It's a lot of jiggle for four points.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why don't you guys suck it up and come down to what?

[Ari Shafir]

Tampa?

[Sam Morril]

No, when is it, though? I mean, when is it? I know. I heard you.

[Ari Shafir]

May 4th. You would have got me in March. Hate to miss spring in New York.

[Bert Kreischer]

Enough. I have not partied with enough. And I miss you, man.

[Sam Morril]

I miss you, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Call me when you laugh, like, Because Mark. Mark Norman's a little bit of a. Like, where he goes like he does these. He does these. If you notice, he goes like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Mark never gets lit.

[Mark Norman]

I'm pretty. I'm pretty sloppy right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's kill our drink right now.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I gotta kill it. I'm gonna puke on the floor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you see what a does?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I'm already there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. Let's all take it. What are you doing?

[Sam Morril]

Are we chugging it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's chug them.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy, that's a lot of cranberry.

[Sam Morril]

We're pigs.

[Mark Norman]

All right, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

AR's special on Netflix is on Netflix.

[Ari Shafir]

It's called Jew America, sweetheart.

[Bert Kreischer]

America, sweetheart. Yeah, you can see them all there.

[Sam Morril]

I thought we were chugging this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm over on Lucky.

[Mark Norman]

Check out his new tour schedule.

[Bert Kreischer]

Confirmation of party. I will not be going to Dubai by.

[Mark Norman]

Why not?

[Bert Kreischer]

Say I can't take my shirt off and I can't party. So it's like you can't take your shirt off.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, cuz they think you have tits.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, he also can't drive. All he wear.

[Mark Norman]

Burka.

[Bert Kreischer]

Burka. So I'm just going over to the Hit a chick. Like that's it.

[Mark Norman]

That's illegal. That's legal.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can hit a chick there.

[Sam Morril]

Mark, you got to catch up, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Definitely not my watch.

[Sam Morril]

You got to chug it, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mark. Mark, alarm. Stop being a. This is what kills me about you.

[Sam Morril]

Stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just do it. Do it. Do it, Mark. Do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop. Mark, you're not drinking. He's not.

[Sam Morril]

Chug, chug. Yes.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's normo. He's sneaky. You got to keep eyes on him.

[Ari Shafir]

He's Norman lizing his behavior.

[Sam Morril]

Sneaky because he's not enough of an alcoholic.

[Bert Kreischer]

First of all, Mark, you. He's the same as me and he can't admit it.

[Mark Norman]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Mark's better than Mark.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm the same as you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the same as me. You drink as much as I do.

[Ari Shafir]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Ari Shafir]

I get as drunk as. But I don't drink the same.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one drinks to your level.

[Sam Morril]

But we have. I'll get lit up.

[Mark Norman]

We got sloppy that one night with Sal. Holy shit, did we get sloppy. Yeah, we took photos on the street.

[Ari Shafir]

We got our new Rogan suits and go, let's break them in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Rogan suit.

[Mark Norman]

He sent us suits for free with like top notch tailoring. It was unbelievable. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Rogan's like, you want a suit?

[Mark Norman]

And we're like, okay, I'll send you the photo. We'll plug it in and then we.

[Ari Shafir]

Come in, he goes, here's four of them. Like, dude, I live in a New York apartment. I'll prove for four suits.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know Rogan sent you four suits.

[Mark Norman]

Cut to me and him at a bar. Like, you gotta wear our suits. Let's go out drinking, wear our suits. So we put the suits on. His is like. He looks like Matthew Lesko, you know, like, hey, pull him up.

[Bert Kreischer]

All I got is this watch.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, from Rogan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, whatever.

[Mark Norman]

But we got four suits. We. We put them on. We got Face with Sal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Watch him. Rogan.

[Ari Shafir]

Sal showed up, and there's a shot.

[Mark Norman]

Of me on a. On a mailbox.

[Ari Shafir]

On a mailbox sitting down the street.

[Mark Norman]

And it's like 4 in the morning.

[Ari Shafir]

New York at night is the best you can do. And listen.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Good times. Times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, why are we ending this?

[Sam Morril]

Because we got to go to a game. Yeah, we got. We got to meet him.

[Mark Norman]

We got a minute.

[Sam Morril]

We don't know the time.

[Ari Shafir]

We're going with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do one more.

[Ari Shafir]

Jerry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do one more.

[Ari Shafir]

One more. One more bottle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jerry Seinfeld.

[Sam Morril]

No, Jerry Seinfeld and Tracy Morgan.

[Ari Shafir]

Who are you going with?

[Mark Norman]

Are you going with Bill Cosby?

[Ari Shafir]

7:30 game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hamilton.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that guy.

[Mark Norman]

Great guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Best hair in comedy.

[Mark Norman]

Is it Ali Sadiq that you look dark there, Mark.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's do another drink. I think we all do one more big drink.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chappelle, ever get over your beef?

[Ari Shafir]

What beef?

[Bert Kreischer]

Never mind. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I just. Drop it.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? No, I'm just creating Internet.

[Ari Shafir]

That's so good.

[Bert Kreischer]

What a good.

[Mark Norman]

He's trying to get me to come to Ohio.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, just go. Actually, I can't talk about this.

[Mark Norman]

We're out of po. Good. Let's get the good stuff in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's try something. Bodega cat.

[Mark Norman]

Well, we can't switch liquor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's switch flavor again. What are we, kids? Yeah. Before li. Never Mark.

[Sam Morril]

Those rules don't apply.

[Bert Kreischer]

Beer before queer, you're. Whatever.

[Sam Morril]

Beer before queer, you might have Beer before queer.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're already have the best laugh. Cuz your laugh. You show your. All your molars. You go, I can't show my molars.

[Sam Morril]

This is a bodega cat. Porosos collab drunk episode.

[Mark Norman]

Let's do mixes.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's do a little mix.

[Bert Kreischer]

See? Bottle.

[Sam Morril]

We killed a whole bottle.

[Ari Shafir]

Hold on, I'll do a mixture. What's left in there? Is there anything left in there? I'll do a mixture of.

[Sam Morril]

Did we Kill a whole bottle. Holy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have to go to dinner with Square Mark.

[Sam Morril]

That's not great.

[Mark Norman]

No, I gotta hit my kid. I left him on the counter. We gotta wrap this up. Oh, that's a big pour.

[Ari Shafir]

Neat.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are we going to be taking off? My leg in the Civil War.

[Ari Shafir]

Ever since Matt got the henna tattoo.

[Sam Morril]

This is a mess. This has turned into a complete mess.

[Mark Norman]

I forgot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you at the bachelor party?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look, different mustache.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, the best was Sal was like. We were all like, there was one uninvited guest. And we're like, I don't know how to tell him to go. And Salak, he's like, you want me to tell him to go? I'm like, yeah, man.

[Mark Norman]

He'll butt in and he'll be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was it John Mans?

[Ari Shafir]

He just went over.

[Mark Norman]

No, it was way worse.

[Ari Shafir]

You got.

[Bert Kreischer]

I told Ari last night I can't play Brick Breaker anymore because of that bachelor party.

[Mark Norman]

Huh?

[Sam Morril]

What is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Brick Breaker is my favorite game to play. I would get me rid of anxiety on planes and I was so sick the next day that I. I played Brick Breaker the whole day. So every time I play Brick Baker, I. I feel sick.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, you know, like the thing.

[Mark Norman]

I get that. I get that with food. When you're hungover and you eat a food, you can't eat it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, right.

[Mark Norman]

Related to the six.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Tequila. Certain foods will help with a hangover.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

You get like, best food to have on a hangover.

[Sam Morril]

I like, like, everything. Bagel with bacon, egg and cheese and.

[Ari Shafir]

That'S a great one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Egg, runny egg. Runny.

[Sam Morril]

I love a runny egg, man.

[Ari Shafir]

I want mine a runny egg. But that whole thing is great. Chant a little Eastern European stew, you know?

[Sam Morril]

It's great hangover food. Leftover Chinese food.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it's good.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I need to warm it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Say something wild. Yep.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's gonna say hungover as something wild?

[Sam Morril]

Kids is my hangover cure. That's my. That's my hangover cure. I. I like kids.

[Ari Shafir]

I can't do it anymore with these new rules.

[Mark Norman]

New rules. New Rules by Bill Maher. Can't a kid.

[Sam Morril]

New rule. No more kids. Okay.

[Mark Norman]

I don't want to have any kids, but I'll eat about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, guys, are we gonna do jokes all the time or we tell stories?

[Ari Shafir]

Crowd usually gives me a story there at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no.

[Mark Norman]

Kyle Dunnigan. Funny guy.

[Sam Morril]

New rule, people. Okay, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy that, like, Bill won't do Rogan if he talks about Kyle Dungan.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's even funnier that Rogan's like, I'm definitely gonna. So.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And Bill's like, I'm a comedian. You're like, are you.

[Ari Shafir]

Are you, though?

[Mark Norman]

Can't be made fun of. Can't be talked about.

[Sam Morril]

Jerry credit. He laughs at people making fun of him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't care about.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said. I said to you. I don't know. I'm being real right now, and I'm drunk. So edit. Like, I don't like. I don't like when you do an impression of a comedian.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I personally, I don't like it.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean? Sam specifically? Or anyone?

[Bert Kreischer]

Any. No. Like, I don't know. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it. I texted you one time, like, Jeremiah did an impression of Mark, and I. Oh, I didn't like it.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I thought it was.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It bothered me.

[Sam Morril]

No, I thought it was really funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's funny. But I. I go, yo, I don't like. Because they did it to Dane, and it. It minimizes the person. And it's like, yo, there's a nuance, and, dude, there's gonna be.

[Sam Morril]

I did it with love to Norman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know. I know, but. I know. Then edit it out. But I just didn't like. I don't like an impression.

[Ari Shafir]

No one does impressions of me.

[Sam Morril]

Here's why. I didn't like it because I was on the show with him and Dr. Phil, and I was like, can one of you not be a character that I can riff with? Yeah. Do I have to compete with only characters here?

[Ari Shafir]

He's got your jacket.

[Sam Morril]

This is hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bothered me. It bothered me. I texted Mark the next morning and I said, I don't like that. I don't like it. I'm just weird about it. So, like, I understand Bill Maher's point of view. Do you remember when they did it about Dane on snl?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Sam Morril]

It was on mad tv.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mad tv.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you whittle down thing they do, and you go like, I'm this, I'm that, I'm that. And then none of the nuance there. It's like, yeah, do it to every comic. And. And I'll tell you. I'll tell you. They did it to Sebastian a couple times on Skanks. And. And I understood it. I get it. But it's like, Sebastian's a little more than what's up with these People, you know.

[Ari Shafir]

No, they know that, though. They're just, like, doing it for funny. The funny part.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but I just.

[Sam Morril]

I think when it's done with love.

[Bert Kreischer]

Flag decks, I. I may not like putting that in there because I'm just.

[Mark Norman]

I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to on Jeremiah. I'm not on Jeremiah.

[Ari Shafir]

He kids. You can on him.

[Mark Norman]

I'm cool with Jeremiah and we. We talked about it, so I'm. I find it somewhat flattering, but I see what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

It bothered me. I texted you privately.

[Sam Morril]

I don't think what Epstein did with the kids was cool, but I think his Mark Norman impression was pretty good, so I stand by it.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, I agree more with Epstein. I, I. Listen, dude. Hey, whatever happened to that island?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

It's up for sale. We gotta get it. It's all going together.

[Sam Morril]

Big comedy festival on Epstein's island.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I love it. Comedy festival.

[Sam Morril]

Headline of Chris D'Elia. Let's do it.

[Ari Shafir]

The Epstein Island Comedy Festival.

[Mark Norman]

Only young comics. That could be something. Just Lane will book it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that really for sale?

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Are you going to buy it?

[Bert Kreischer]

How much?

[Mark Norman]

You can buy it.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much I can buy? 125.

[Ari Shafir]

You got that? That's eight months for you, Bert.

[Sam Morril]

125 million.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, you got that.

[Ari Shafir]

Does it come with the dock and all the buildings, or do they destroy it?

[Mark Norman]

Nice huts and the bungalow.

[Ari Shafir]

You get the Airbnb that you can make it.

[Mark Norman]

I went to a.

[Sam Morril]

You got the massages, man. Let's do this.

[Mark Norman]

I went to St. Martin with the wife. We went on, like, a drunk booze cruise and we passed by it. It's a beautiful island. It's right there about it.

[Ari Shafir]

Imagine you're washed up on a. Like, you have a shipwreck and you wash up on Epstein Island. Like, thank God. I'm sick. Saved. Wait a minute.

[Mark Norman]

Even better.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think Adrian would have been cool.

[Mark Norman]

Who?

[Bert Kreischer]

Adrian Apolucci?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. She could have kept the secret. She's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

She would have been like, I don't think I wanted to touch. They're only kids there.

[Mark Norman]

What the.

[Bert Kreischer]

She washes up. They're like, hey, let's get you some help.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I just want a room.

[Mark Norman]

She's too old.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think Adrian would have been like, hey, guys are like, oh, you got to edit this back then.

[Sam Morril]

Like, you old man. Please.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, we don't know. We don't allow nannies here.

[Ari Shafir]

You are your age. Older than everyone here.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Go watch Adrian's special on Netflix as well. She's awesome.

[Ari Shafir]

Produced by Ari, executive producer.

[Sam Morril]

And we. We love her. She's an old friend of ours and she's awesome.

[Mark Norman]

She was on here and it was pulling teeth, but she's a good egg.

[Ari Shafir]

Worst possible, worst episode ever of you be tripping. How was Portugal? I was like, all right. Do you meet anybody? Like, yeah, some people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Serious?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God. It's like, how would the. With the men there going, you know, they're fun.

[Mark Norman]

I read the comments too, on that one. Her again. She's on everything. I'm dying here.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. Fuck the comments.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta get her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mark Norman.

[Mark Norman]

I wrote.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on one second. Bert, go. Mark Norman used to suck on podcasts. Do you remember that?

[Mark Norman]

No. Teach me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, buddy, you were sucked when you did Birdcast in the back in the day. You're like, I don't know how to do it. What do I do?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, I don't know. I was a comic. I didn't know what the hell was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

And you got so good on podcast.

[Mark Norman]

Podcasts, well, you got to learn these things. You got to work your way up.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you. But you. I remember you coming on my podcast. You're like, I don't tell stories. I don't. I don't know how to do this thing.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we sat in my man cave with no air conditioning. And you told the story about your drama teacher.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

It's a classic.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's such a good story.

[Ari Shafir]

I was on this happening.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crying, laughing. I was crying.

[Mark Norman]

I learned. I learned over time. But it. I just, you know, it was a new thing. It was like, we did stand up, we wrote jokes.

[Ari Shafir]

And then he went deep in where he's like, overdose me on Zen 10X. So I have something.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I got a million stories. So I learned quick. But podcasting was like a new thing that we had to just figure out.

[Ari Shafir]

It started in la, then went to New York. So New York was like, at the beginning, like, what is totally.

[Sam Morril]

We should wrap up, guys. Bert, plug the new specials on Netflix.

[Mark Norman]

Lucky, lucky.

[Sam Morril]

It's awesome. Plug. Get some this.

[Ari Shafir]

Best work yet.

[Mark Norman]

Top 10.

[Sam Morril]

We got Winnipeg. We got Tampa, Florida. We got. Oh, Canada. Spoke.

[Ari Shafir]

Halifax. Nice.

[Sam Morril]

Calgary, Vancouver, Rockford, Illinois.

[Ari Shafir]

Where Natasha's from.

[Sam Morril]

St. Paul, Minnesota.

[Ari Shafir]

The loose great dreading song.

[Sam Morril]

Eugene. I want to show David. Tell us that. Eugene, Oregon, or the town that makeup for God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Red Rocks. October 1st.

[Ari Shafir]

Good luck getting him on. On a plane. He'll do it when he comes out.

[Bert Kreischer]

People are going to go I wrote.

[Mark Norman]

A plane with him toward the last Burt tour.

[Ari Shafir]

The only reason I'm I open for Rogan is because Joey Diaz canceled 60% of the time. And Joe's like, I'm not going to not bring him, but I need a backup Joey.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw him today and we were talking about like, I weasel him into.

[Sam Morril]

A corner and he said, oh, come on, we might be drunk. So, yeah, he didn't like it, but he's coming on.

[Ari Shafir]

You got off on Quaaludes.

[Mark Norman]

We'll get him on there. He's a fancy.

[Sam Morril]

I love Joey.

[Bert Kreischer]

He wants to see his kid. He wants.

[Sam Morril]

He's talking Knicks with me, though. He's a big Knicks fan.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. But he's the best. I love him.

[Sam Morril]

I love Joey.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's coming out. He wants Mercy to see Colorado.

[Sam Morril]

We'll get him on.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so he. Where I. I said, we'll bring you guys out. We. We do it. You know how great we do. Red rocks.

[Mark Norman]

That was. I did two of them. It was unbelievable. It's like a special night. We saw Jimmy Buffett the next night. Wow, what a weekend.

[Bert Kreischer]

One night, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yes. Jimmy Buffett or somebody else.

[Mark Norman]

We saw Buffett.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jimmy Buffett.

[Mark Norman]

I have photos of it. I'll plug him in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you the thing that bums me out the most is I met Jimmy Buffett. I gave him my number. And then because the Internet that got my number, I had to change my number. And Jimmy Buffett, the week before he died, was trying to text me. So he was watching my stand up specials.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Told me that. And I went. It breaks my heart. I'm such a Jimmy Buffett fan.

[Ari Shafir]

I hung out with him in Key West. Yeah, yeah. We went to a show, what's the name from comedy? Key west. Got us us in.

[Sam Morril]

And we were like buffers on his deathbed. He's like, hang on, hang on.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the beauty. Hold on. I know you're doing. I know you're doing.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, let me do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The beauty.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is when someone dies, you say whatever you want.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Because Whitney Houston and I were close friends.

[Ari Shafir]

We were hanging out. He was wearing shorts. He was like, my heart's really not in this anymore. And I was like, do you like stand up? He goes, yeah, this one guy, Bert's been annoying me. And I like, oh, my call. What a God damn. It sucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. Real. Who's your most famous fan? Whitney Houston.

[Sam Morril]

Whitney Houston was in a bathtub and she was like, we might be Drunk your stand up. My favorite.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, what's one person that reached out and was like, yo, Ari, it's. It's RJ or kj.

[Ari Shafir]

Ray J. Ray J don't like famous people. Don't like me. We had a D. Brown.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe is the biggest moment we're. I'm oversharing if you edit out you want. But we were at the Comedy Store and the hip hop guy was there, and I was like. I was like, hey, was that K up? Said hi. He was like, hey, what's up? I was like, how you doing, man? I was so good to see you. It's my buddy Ari. And he went like this to Ari and he went.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God. I was like, who's this guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know.

[Ari Shafir]

It was great. I was like, oh, nice shirt. He goes, thanks. And I was like, all right, this guy's being standoffish. I'm not gonna say, but I'll tell you afterwards. But it was like.

[Mark Norman]

Was it Kanye? He doesn't like your kind.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he like, what? I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, I was like, it was so crazy, cuz.

[Ari Shafir]

I realized, cuz then people came up to him, was like, oh, is that guy famous? And they're like, yeah, he's been on your storytelling show. I'm like, oh, it was the year I was gone.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, the Roy Wood years. Yeah, just say it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The dark years.

[Mark Norman]

A. Yeah. Literally.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, who was it? Jay Z.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was Talib Kwi.

[Ari Shafir]

Talib kw.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, nice shirt.

[Mark Norman]

He loves comedy.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're black and you meet Ari, you got it.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta have. You gotta rap. You gotta rap, you gotta rep if you love.

[Bert Kreischer]

Snoop's a close friend of mine. Yeah, but if I see Ari with Snoop, I gotta go, Ari, walk away.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, walk away.

[Sam Morril]

Me too.

[Ari Shafir]

These guys.

[Sam Morril]

I'm talking with Snoop and I'm like, no, disown me. I'm like, look on me.

[Mark Norman]

I'm not even Michael J. I gotta pretend we're not.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, the black's English at the Cellar. I'm like, all right. Who is that?

[Ari Shafir]

They love a one time mvp.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, he's doubling down.

[Ari Shafir]

It's so funny too, cuz. He was like, I saw him and I was like, nice shirt. He goes, oh, thanks. I got on the road, cuz. I was out of shirts. I'm like, bro, I've been there. You know how many times. I didn't know who he was. I was like, you know how many Times I've asked for. For like a venue shirt so I could make it through the whole week. And he was like, what? I was like, no. So you get a free shirt so you can make it through the whole week. Because it's like, oh, you have more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Money than I do.

[Mark Norman]

I guess. Yeah. Well, check out Ari special.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll be an Anchorage.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope people enjoyed this.

[Sam Morril]

Dreadful human. Ari Shafir, good friend of ours.

[Ari Shafir]

Friend of friend.

[Mark Norman]

Come, come see me in.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you going to the uk?

[Mark Norman]

May. We'd love to have you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you want an opener?

[Mark Norman]

Wait, are you going to be there?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I go with you.

[Sam Morril]

Wow, Bird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you kidding?

[Sam Morril]

He's drunk. He's drunk.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not doing anything in May.

[Sam Morril]

I would love for you to do an hour 15 in front of him and just ruin his.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have no.

[Ari Shafir]

Take his shirt off.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that would be amazing. Birmingham.

[Sam Morril]

I hope he buries you.

[Mark Norman]

Agent uta.

[Ari Shafir]

That's his dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all set up.

[Mark Norman]

Let's hang.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's step these up a little bit. Do double nights in every show.

[Mark Norman]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Mark Norman]

This legally binding here.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? This is a verbal contract.

[Mark Norman]

This is legally B. You're going to say this, then two days later you're going to go, oh, I'm gay now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Done. I'm done. After the two bears 5k in May 4th, I'm done.

[Mark Norman]

This is in May. Mid May.

[Ari Shafir]

Great.

[Mark Norman]

Pull the dates up. What are you. What are you doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull the dates up.

[Sam Morril]

I could use some help in Columbus, Ohio, coming up if you want to keep it going.

[Mark Norman]

Keep going.

[Sam Morril]

What do we got?

[Mark Norman]

There we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pete, what does it look like we got?

[Mark Norman]

Okay, Reykjavik. I'm opening. That's already sold out, by the way.

[Ari Shafir]

You won't be there for Reykjavik, but.

[Mark Norman]

That'S Alford, which I've never heard of and I'm excited to go. Cardiff, Bristol, Birmingham, London and Glasgow.

[Ari Shafir]

Harry, Harry, Harry.

[Mark Norman]

Go fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Belfast, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Then back to Rochester. They really helped. Let's do it. I mean, we'd love to have you. That'd be great.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could all just open and work out. Yeah, I don't have any material, so. That'd be great.

[Mark Norman]

That would be a blast.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're gonna party.

[Mark Norman]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta pay them back.

[Mark Norman]

What else am I doing in uk?

[Bert Kreischer]

Come in, the Kid.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, good.

[Sam Morril]

Boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Old school. Birdie.

[Mark Norman]

Could be old school. Let's go to Waterloo.

[Sam Morril]

What else we got? Matt, pull up some other dates. I got Sam's dates here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What we got? 13th, Milwaukee. No, no, Start. Start in Columbus, man. No, it comes out on the 13th. I thought we're coming out. This is coming out this weekend. I thought Peter stole me. April 13th.

[Bert Kreischer]

Already missed April, May.

[Sam Morril]

What is it? The Stefano's this weekend. Oh, I got you. Okay. Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, St. Louis, Kansas, Minneapolis, Phoenix, San Diego, Sacramento, SF, Portland. We had a lay show on a Monday. Please don't make me regret that. Oh, Seattle, Vancouver, Boise, Salt Lake. Sold out. And then we got Denver. So, yeah, I hope I see you guys out. Samrall.com shows follow all of us on Punch Up. Punch up is the shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Punch up.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Sam, All I got is.

[Ari Shafir]

All I got is my storytelling shows. Just two left in April. Just a late show Monday, late show Tuesday, and then Anchorage, Alaska.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, are these before. Those would be before your show. Correct.

[Ari Shafir]

What will be before?

[Bert Kreischer]

His dates. Before his.

[Ari Shafir]

His dates will be after my show. My show's in April.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Secret lineup. Secret lineup.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm definitely not.

[Ari Shafir]

Secret lineup will not be on our show. All lineups are secret. Lineup up is good.

[Sam Morril]

And lastly, Mark and I have a really funny documentary going up on Punch Up Live right now.

[Mark Norman]

Stage two.

[Bert Kreischer]

You might be in it. You're in it.

[Mark Norman]

You're in it. You're both in it.

[Sam Morril]

Episode two.

[Mark Norman]

I think so. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

You're definitely in it.

[Mark Norman]

We'll put a picture of you page to stage. Check it out.

[Sam Morril]

Episode two, Episode two. Mark tries to write one clean joke.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, we do. Six weeks Seinfeld.

[Sam Morril]

Who are you, Tom Dreeson?

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you, a queer? You want a clean joke? You ready?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

Clean joke. Clean joke.

[Mark Norman]

I can't wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ladies and gentlemen, Clean joke from Burke Rer.

[Mark Norman]

Never heard of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I want to see how quick you guys are because you're better than I am. So.

[Ari Shafir]

Better than everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're. These two are quicker.

[Ari Shafir]

They'll get more.

[Mark Norman]

Don't. Don't build it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did. What did Mr. T say? Timely reference after he pushed 50 Cent in the pool. What?

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Mark Norman]

I pity the fitting the pool. Come on. There we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're better than I am. All right. All right.

[Mark Norman]

Ready?

[Bert Kreischer]

Ready? Another joke. Joke. Ready?

[Mark Norman]

All right. It.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, let's make it this the game. So I. I made. I wrote this in a hot tub high. And it made me laugh so hard.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I didn't. No one got it. And then I. And then I wrote it in my joke book, and then I didn't get it until I got it.

[Sam Morril]

I got you.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to do a. I want to do a Prince cover band called Prince Harry.

[Ari Shafir]

I do not.

[Mark Norman]

We'll cut. We'll cut that just like.

[Sam Morril]

Just like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Folks, we had a great week. He's not the real Prince. He's the second Prince.

[Mark Norman]

Nah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's Prince Harry. Like.

[Mark Norman]

That wasn't bad.

[Sam Morril]

We love you guys.

[Mark Norman]

Waterloo drink.

[Sam Morril]

Poor Osos. We love Bert. Go see his new special. Go see Ari's new special. Go see them both on tour. Two of our favorites.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

A privilege. I mean, we see Ari all the time, but we never see Bert. So this is a treat. And we love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Sam Morril]

And we'll see you next week. We love you guys.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, we might be hammered.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Sunday's the day for my next bender.

[Bert Kreischer]

A bit of heck, you know? The fear juice. Close. I've had a little too much burping.

[Mark Norman]

And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I get down in the same way up on the roof like a.

[Sam Morril]

Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like.

[Mark Norman]

I remember her and I get down.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the same way we might be true.