Ep 213: New Year - No Guest

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We Might Be Drunk" – Episode 213: New Year - No Guest

Released on January 6, 2025 | Produced by Gotham Production Studios, LLC

In Episode 213 of "We Might Be Drunk," hosts Sam Morril and Mark Normand navigate the tumultuous waters of the holiday season, personal anecdotes, the evolving landscape of comedy, and the idiosyncrasies of New York City life. This episode, aptly titled "New Year - No Guest," offers listeners a blend of humor, candid conversations, and insightful reflections, all seasoned with a drink or three.

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1. Holiday Weight Gain and Home Dynamics

The episode kicks off with a light-hearted discussion about the inevitable weight gain that accompanies the holiday season. Sam Morril shares his concerns about packing on pounds, only to be humorously debunked by his friend's sharp retort:

Sam Morril (00:21): "I was expecting. No, you're not. But she goes, what's the holidays? I was like, damn it, I am."

Mark Normand joins in, empathizing with the sedentary lifestyle that winter often brings. They delve into how holidays disrupt their usual routines, leading to indulgent eating habits and stagnant periods.

2. Barefoot Contessa Cupcakes and Domestic Peeves

Sam vents about his wife's penchant for purchasing delectable treats from Barefoot Contessa, leading to a humorous exchange about the aftermath:

Sam Morril (01:13): "Give them to the people in the building."

Mark quips about the overabundance of cupcakes ending up in garbage cans, poking fun at the paradox of abundance:

Mark Normand (01:26): "The homeless must be living it up. Every garbage can has got to be full of cupcakes and cookies and cakes."

This segment highlights the couple's playful banter about household clutter and differing views on indulgence.

3. Hollywood's Shift to Streaming and Its Impact on Comedy

Transitioning from domestic life, Sam and Mark critique Hollywood's outsourcing trends and the rise of streaming platforms like Netflix:

Mark Normand (02:21): "Well, look, we had a good run. All these writers and air conditioning with craft service and free lunch all day."

They reminisce about the golden era of television, lamenting the decline of structured support systems that once bolstered writers and comedians. The hosts express nostalgia for the days when being a comedy writer came with perks like healthcare and job security.

4. Frustrations with Interior Decorating and Custom Furniture

A major portion of the episode revolves around the challenges of hiring interior decorators and the pitfalls of custom-made furniture. Sam recounts his ordeal with an Italian couch that turned out to be uncomfortable and riddled with issues:

Sam Morril (05:16): "I think she just, like, scooped the frosting off all of them and ate them."

Mark elaborates on similar frustrations, highlighting the lack of accountability from service providers:

Mark Normand (05:57): "They say, you can't send it back because it's a custom job."

Their shared experiences underscore the complexities of home improvement projects, especially when dealing with international vendors and bespoke craftsmanship.

5. Bob Dylan Movie Critique

The hosts take a detour into the realm of biographical films, specifically critiquing the Bob Dylan movie directed by Mangold. Mark expresses dissatisfaction with the film's inaccuracies compared to documentaries:

Mark Normand (08:04): "Why would you fuck up the story? We know. We have Google. Bob Dylan's still alive. Why would you change it?"

Sam concurs, emphasizing that biopics often sacrifice factual authenticity for dramatic flair:

Sam Morril (08:50): "They always take liberties. They always take liberties with biopics."

The duo debates the relevance and necessity of such films, advocating for documentaries that offer a more truthful representation of iconic figures.

6. New York City Scams and Safety Concerns

A significant and serious segment addresses the myriad scams prevalent in New York City. Sam and Mark discuss various deceptive practices, from fake monks to overpriced hot dog vendors:

Sam Morril (29:50): "They're fake monks... Steer clear of them."

They share personal encounters and caution listeners about the vigilance required to navigate the city's bustling streets. The conversation shifts to safety, highlighting incidents like window break-ins and the challenges of dealing with compromised garage security:

Mark Normand (20:43): "So I had to go to the garage, call the cops. You wait eight hours. The cops finally show up."

This discussion serves as both a cautionary tale and a reflection on the unpredictable nature of urban life.

7. Challenges in Comedy Production and Writing

Sam and Mark delve into the intricacies of producing comedy sets, especially under tight deadlines. They express frustration over jokes being cut for being too dark or topical, emphasizing the importance of maintaining their authentic comedic voice:

Mark Normand (40:53): "We don't care about machine gun killing... We don't give a shit about Megan Fox."

They discuss the delicate balance between creating content that resonates with audiences and adhering to platform guidelines or algorithm-driven content strategies.

8. Personal Relationships and Communication Dynamics

The conversation naturally veers into personal territories, with the hosts sharing anecdotes about relationships and communication challenges. Mark criticizes the "happy wife, happy life" mentality, expressing reluctance towards marriage due to its perceived demands:

Mark Normand (58:13): "When I heard that, I was like, I'm never getting married."

Sam adds his perspective on relationship dynamics, particularly the complexities of aligning interests and managing expectations:

Sam Morril (75:23): "My girlfriend asked her, I want to fuck other people. And I was like, of course."

These discussions highlight the comedic yet relatable struggles of maintaining personal relationships amidst busy lives.

9. Upcoming Tour Dates and Future Projects

Towards the episode's conclusion, Sam and Mark share their excitement about upcoming comedy tours and new ventures. Sam mentions his extensive tour schedule, covering cities like New Haven, Portsmouth, Toronto, and Montreal:

Sam Morril (93:20): "Then I got Pittsburgh... Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, DC, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham."

Mark talks about starting a sketch comedy group called "No Lobsters," expressing enthusiasm for collaborative creative projects:

Mark Normand (95:03): "No Lobsters. Not fancy, but fun."

Their plans indicate a proactive approach to expanding their comedic repertoire and engaging with diverse audiences.

10. Final Remarks and Reflections on Modern Life

In their closing thoughts, Sam and Mark reflect on the pervasive influence of technology on daily life, particularly the reliance on smartphones and podcasts. They express a desire for moments of isolation to foster creativity, lamenting the constant connectivity that modern living imposes:

Sam Morril (81:52): "You just gotta force yourself to not look. Like, keep it in the other room every once in a while."

They also touch upon the challenges of balancing work, personal life, and creative endeavors, acknowledging the need to prioritize mental well-being amidst the chaos of contemporary society.

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Notable Quotes:

• Sam Morril (00:21): "I was expecting. No, you're not. But she goes, what's the holidays? I was like, damn it, I am."

• Mark Normand (01:26): "The homeless must be living it up. Every garbage can has got to be full of cupcakes and cookies and cakes."

• Mark Normand (08:04): "Why would you fuck up the story? We know. We have Google. Bob Dylan's still alive. Why would you change it?"

• Sam Morril (29:50): "They're fake monks... Steer clear of them."

• Mark Normand (58:13): "When I heard that, I was like, I'm never getting married."

• Sam Morril (81:52): "You just gotta force yourself to not look. Like, keep it in the other room every once in a while."

---

Conclusion

Episode 213 of "We Might Be Drunk" serves as a comedic yet insightful exploration of the hosts' personal lives, professional challenges, and observations on modern society. Through relatable anecdotes and sharp wit, Sam Morril and Mark Normand invite listeners to laugh, reflect, and perhaps even recognize parts of their own experiences within the conversations. As they gear up for an extensive tour and new creative projects, the dynamic duo continues to deliver content that resonates with both comedy aficionados and casual listeners alike.

Transcript

[Mark Normand]

Hey, folks. Happy. We might be drunk. Who knows what holiday. Could be Black History Month, could be Cinco de Mayo. Who knows? But we're keeping them coming. Continuity.

[Sam Morril]

I'm feeling that holiday.

[Mark Normand]

Like, oh, I'm a jellyfish.

[Sam Morril]

I threw one out there to a friend the other day where, you know, I'm like, I think I'm gaining weight, you know, from the holidays. And I was expecting. No, you're not. But she goes, what's the holidays? I was like, damn it, I am. She got me.

[Mark Normand]

She got you there? Damn.

[Sam Morril]

I've accidentally hit people. Someone said to me recently. And I was like, well, you know, it's winter. You cover up. Which is no better. I've done it, too, but pack on a few.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Sam Morril]

It's also, like, a stagnant time of year. So you're just laying around. Like, I'm usually moving and doing stuff, right? I force myself to the gym, but then I go, I come back and I'm just, like, eating donuts and shit.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

Same way women love filling your house with junk.

[Mark Normand]

They do.

[Sam Morril]

She's buying all this shit from Goldbelly, and I'm like, nine cupcakes. She bought nine of those. Contessa. Barefoot Contessa.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, man.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, they're incredible. But bring em in.

[Mark Normand]

I'll eat em.

[Sam Morril]

I think she just, like, scooped the frosting off all of them and ate em. Oh, okay. Give them to the people in the building. And she was like, I scooped the frosting. I was like, all right, Give them to people in the building.

[Mark Normand]

The homeless must be living it up. I mean, every garbage can has got to be full of cupcakes and cookies and cakes. They must be living large.

[Sam Morril]

It is a sad image that they go to the garbage and, like, jackpot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, only in America do we have fat homeless people. There's homeless people out there who are just. All they do is walk. But they're fat as shit.

[Sam Morril]

Not in the west coast as much.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Because I don't know what that is, but, like, maybe the sun just makes you kind of, like, shed a little more.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Hugh Jackman out west.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Why is that? Whoa. Jesus.

[Sam Morril]

Because they probably used to be actors and they were like, you know, I could still. That's the LA mentality. Like, still could bounce back. He's living under a bridge, but he's like, I don't. They could bring back my. You know, my headshot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Even in L. A, you got the hobos. Look pretty slender. That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Apparently. I mean, L. A is getting crushed though, right now. Like Hollywood is outsourcing all this stuff to Europe and Asia and it's not Hollywood. Like Netflix all the streamers.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Well, I mean, look, we had a good run. All these writers and air conditioning with craft service and free lunch all day.

[Sam Morril]

It's all over.

[Mark Normand]

It's all over. You had your big bang theories and your was a Sheldon and all that other bullshit.

[Sam Morril]

It was already like winning a lotto ticket back in the day. Yeah, it's like, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Think about it.

[Mark Normand]

I know. People had. I was always jealous of the writers. They had healthcare, they had dental, they had a parking space. And we were out there grinding in Cleveland. So welcome to the party.

[Sam Morril]

I do feel like this time of year, like I need structure. It makes me angry.

[Mark Normand]

Same.

[Sam Morril]

I need people like tell me what to do.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like you have an agent hitting you up. You have so, you know, like I had a real annoying. God, I told you about that. I hired someone. This is a first world complaint, but I'm still gonna complain.

[Mark Normand]

Lay it on me.

[Sam Morril]

So my mom nagged me, you know. You moved in a new place? I moved into a new place.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Sam Morril]

She's like, you need an interior decorator. I was like, absolutely not. She nagged me till I caved.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

It'll save you money in the end. Cause they get you discounts, which is a lie. I'm like, what do you get credit for giving me this wreck? So I'm like, if you find someone cheap who will just take this off my plate. Cause I'm never home, I'll do it. She found someone who's not cheap.

[Mark Normand]

Of course. Boy, she really weaseled her way in, huh?

[Sam Morril]

And then. And by the way, I'm so easy to shop for. Cause I'm like that, that and that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I'm like, wait, I didn't need her.

[Mark Normand]

That's right.

[Sam Morril]

But then the stuff I wanted, she was like, well, that's coming from Italy. These couches.

[Mark Normand]

Oh my God.

[Sam Morril]

So I'm like, all right. By the way, immigrants must hate this shit. They're like, couches can get past security. Maybe they're in the couch. That's Ventura in the rhino's ass style. But I'm fuming. You know, it's like six months to get my couch.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then it's not the couch.

[Mark Normand]

I wanted these Italians, there was a language barrier.

[Sam Morril]

Now it was them. Cuz she was like, you know, was like a. I have that movie Room now. I wanted to make it comfy. There's a bed in the couch. It's so fucking uncomfortable.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, the fold out. That's a bummer. It's never as comfortable. They got that bar in the middle. And no one wants to sleep on that thing, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

And by the way, you know, the couch, you. It's supposed to recline. It's comfy enough to sleep on anyway.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Killed me, this person.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. And can you send it back or is it.

[Sam Morril]

They say, you can't send it back because it's a custom job. And then I say, well, give me the custom job I wanted.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Sam Morril]

Now they haven't answered in a week. The holidays. Everyone takes the holidays off.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. And they got the Atlantic Ocean between us. They go, ah, well, we'll be fine. He's gonna give up eventually. What's he going to do, knock the door down?

[Sam Morril]

Maybe I will.

[Mark Normand]

Maybe we should go to Italy.

[Sam Morril]

I want to do a gig. And like, I hear, you know Rome.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, could be.

[Sam Morril]

Could be a good place to do comedy.

[Mark Normand]

I'm going there in August.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, I just watched Cinema Paradiso. Oh, I'd never seen it.

[Mark Normand]

One of the best movies of all time.

[Sam Morril]

I had dinner with Liz Furiati. Hey Seller. And. And Rachel Feinstein. And they're like, you've never seen Cinema Paradiso, man, those Italians will make you cry.

[Mark Normand]

I know mostly about the couches. Yeah, it's true. That movie's like, whoo. It's a. It hits you right in the heartstrings.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it did make me misty for sure. Holy shit.

[Mark Normand]

I watched it with my dad as a kid, so it was like, you know, very relatable.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's fucking sad.

[Mark Normand]

What year is that? 90. 91. 89.

[Sam Morril]

88.

[Mark Normand]

88, yeah. So good. Everybody watch. That's a wreck.

[Sam Morril]

That's. It's. It's fucking sad though. But, man, I'm out a lot of money from this. I'm fuming.

[Mark Normand]

Italian furniture.

[Sam Morril]

I just hate getting taken for a ride.

[Mark Normand]

I know. Well, I'm with you because we had a. We got. We hired a designer. Guy totally gypped us. He'd be like, this here's three things. What do you like? And I go, I love the third one. He goes, ugh. And I would go, like, you gave me the option. So then I would go, all right, give me the middle one. He goes, good choice. I'm like, okay. Meanwhile, I didn't know the good choice was like four grand. And It's a lamp.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's what this lady would do. She'd give me options for a coffee table. I'd be like 20 grand. Even if I was insanely rich, I wouldn't do this.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's crazy. And I'll go on Google or Facebook marketplace. I'm finding all kinds of steals.

[Sam Morril]

I know. It's almost. I mean, that's why I'm mad at myself for doing this. Because it's fun to find the steel.

[Mark Normand]

It's fun to find it.

[Sam Morril]

Anyone can buy clothes, you know, full price.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

You go to like a Nordstrom rack. You go to those like discount places. That's more fun.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Same with women.

[Sam Morril]

I found her on the side of the road. A very low self esteem. She sticks around.

[Mark Normand]

This might be a lady. Thing is, my wife's like, we gotta get a designer. We gotta get an organizer. I'm like an organizer. So we hired this lady to walk through the house. You know, she had an Indiana Jones hat and a scarf. And she was like, hmm, the feng shui is off. This needs to go over here. And it was like $1,000 for her to come in and do that.

[Sam Morril]

Oh my God.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, we can do this. This is pathetic that we have to hire this lady.

[Sam Morril]

Sign. She's dressed really well. She's making too much money on this. Have some pride in what you do.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, that's what I said.

[Sam Morril]

The not responding is a real peeve.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

I gave a lot of money.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And I didn't get what I wanted. And just to get in the door. It was a crazy amount of money to get them to. This is our retainer fee. I'm like, retainer, retainer. Would I hire Johnny Cochran?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Ridiculous. That is crazy. Yeah. See, that's one good thing about spending a lot of money is you can you have the ability to bitch. You know, if you spend $17 at Amazon, you kind of got to eat it. But if you spend 8 billion on a couch from Italy, you can go ahead.

[Sam Morril]

The money, that the bitching.

[Mark Normand]

I agree. I'm just saying you can go. You're allowed to go. Karen.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

On these pisans.

[Sam Morril]

Karen, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Get these guineas, you couch raping waps.

[Sam Morril]

Fury. Infuriating.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. That is crazy.

[Sam Morril]

You told me you saw the Bob Dylan movie too.

[Mark Normand]

I did.

[Sam Morril]

I heard he's amazing in it.

[Mark Normand]

He's great. It looks Mangold is a hell of a director. But here's the thing with the movie. I'm gonna be a cunt here. It didn't need to be made. We have the documentary, which is way better. And also, they took liberties. They put him in the folk fest when he was actually in England. They put him with Joan Baez in the beginning when he was actually with another lady. So I'm like, why would you fuck up the story? We know. We have Google. Bob Dylan's still alive. Why would you change it?

[Sam Morril]

Isn't that weird? Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like, what's the point of that?

[Sam Morril]

Imagine you're Bob Dylan. You're seeing that movie and you're like, that's not my life.

[Mark Normand]

I know, exactly. And they knew what to do. Like, they knew all the. The ins and outs, but they still were like, well, let's change this. Let's fix that. Let's move that around. I'm like, you had to go Hollywood and you had to ruin it.

[Sam Morril]

That's the problem with biopics is that.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

They always. They always take liberties.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And look, Shalomu is great. There's points in it where you're like, oh, my God, is that Bob Dylan? Like, that's how good it is. But he's.

[Sam Morril]

He's really good.

[Mark Normand]

That's really. The takeaway of the movie is like, his performance and watching the mimicry of. Mimicry. Is that a wor.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

The mimicry of the. Of the character is really cool. But other than that, I'm like, what was the point of this? Nothing really happens. It's just kind of like a day in the life.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I do. I do feel. I'm always kind of reluctant to see biopic. I thought. I thought, you know, Ray is probably like, Ray where? Yeah, Fox is incredible. But the movie is like, all right.

[Mark Normand]

It was all right.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. Walk the Line is right. That was pretty good. That was mangold to it.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, it was.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, you know, I like that. But again, it is. It is weird that more people see this in any documentary on him.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

And it's not real.

[Mark Normand]

Right. So I got so into it because I was a huge Dylan fan growing up, that I watched the documentary again after the movie, and it's so much better. It's like, real, and they have all the footage. And, you know, you ever. You ever. You know the story of him going electric?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. What happened?

[Mark Normand]

So he's in England. He's like this big folk hero. You know, he's writing the best songs. He's a great lyricist. He's changing lives. He sees who. They call him a protest song, whatever. He goes out to England. He's like, well, we're going to go electric now. And they're booing him. They yell, judas. Judas. Like, you turned our back on us. Turn your back on us. And he goes, I don't believe you. And then he turns around, he goes, play it loud. And they fucking rock it out. And it's so good that it turns the audience. It's an amazing story, but the movie does this. But they do it all wrong, so.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's a bummer. I don't know why they decided to do that.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like they did a similar thing with that movie. Ali, that movie just kind of sucked.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

And then that doc is so cool.

[Mark Normand]

We were kings.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So good. I think that's a Michael Mann movie.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I love Michael, man. I just didn't like that movie.

[Mark Normand]

Michael Mann and Ali think. I mean, and Will Smith, you think it'd be solid.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

Who knew Will Smith?

[Sam Morril]

Slap, open hand, slap box. Does suck that a dude who trained to be a boxer hits you in the face.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, he's got the power.

[Mark Normand]

I know. And he. If you could pull up that slap. I know this is old news, but he really cocked back. It was like, Victorian.

[Sam Morril]

It's such a bitch move.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that. I mean, that's perfect form in.

[Sam Morril]

To go after a dude. Smaller.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And Rock, looking back, handled that like a ch. He didn't even go like, jesus. He just took it. That's a guy who had, like, six brothers.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa. Yeah. But, yeah, man. I was at that Christmas Day game, Nick. Spurs. And I'm next to Stephon Marbury.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Like, after every Knicks are going on a run, they're losing. I'm like, fuck, the Knicks are going to lose this. My girlfriend is a Spurs fan, which is annoying.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And she was like, I can't wear a Spurs. I'm like, To a game. The Knicks are giving us tickets. If you do it, I will break up with you.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

The easiest break. You get me in trouble with msg, I will easily leave you. It's the Easy. I told her it'll be the easiest breakup of my life.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, knicks are forever.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we're forever. It's a good point.

[Sam Morril]

I.

[Mark Normand]

You know, there's literally a Seinfeld episode about this.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

Where she wears the Orioles hat to the Yankee game.

[Sam Morril]

Unacceptable. Yeah, unacceptable. She, to her credit, she just wore black. And I was like, all right, that's subtle enough, I guess.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But, you know, Stephon Marbury comes over to high five her after a big Knicks play. And she goes, I'm a Spurs fan. He's like, oh. And I'm like, I'll take that high five. And Marbury hugs me.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, that's pretty cool. Is there anything to be said that she's super loyal?

[Sam Morril]

No, I respect that.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Of course. Respect you being loyal to your team, but you just can't bring that, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. To the house.

[Sam Morril]

You can't bring that when they're hooking us up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's kind of a slap in the face.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's a. It's a hard ticket. Christmas day, man.

[Mark Normand]

And she lost.

[Sam Morril]

I saw. I saw Steve Sharipa there.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Came over and he goes, I want to do your guys podcast, but I just don't want to come on with other Sopranos people. I want to, like, tell my own stories. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Sam Morril]

But we're such. I told him. I was like, I was literally watching Sopranos yesterday.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, we should have him on.

[Mark Normand]

I wonder why.

[Sam Morril]

Like, he said that he's probably done it with everyone's.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Wants to do his own thing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there he is. That's the big zd.

[Sam Morril]

That's right, Karen.

[Mark Normand]

ZD Bacala.

[Sam Morril]

I watched the episode where his dad does that one last hit. Bert Young.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Such a good fucking app.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's great. I love the. He goes, you got to be Santa. He goes, I can't be Santa. Why can't you be Santa? I'm shy. Great delivery.

[Sam Morril]

Perfect.

[Mark Normand]

I'd love to get imperioli on one day too. He's in White Lotus.

[Sam Morril]

I know, man. And he wrote some of those apps for you. Like, God damn. He's a smart dude, too.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, is that right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he wrote some apps.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Crazy.

[Mark Normand]

That is cool. There he is.

[Sam Morril]

Look at him. Big Knicks fan.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that.

[Sam Morril]

What? Yeah. What were the holidays like with the in laws?

[Mark Normand]

Well, we did a Christmas at their house, which is always great. The kids come by, all the nephews and everything. And you give gifts. How about this? I got a gift, like a. It's called Pirates Water. See if you can look this up there, Peters. Did you get this from Bert?

[Sam Morril]

No. Or maybe I thought this was from kfc.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, that's what it is.

[Sam Morril]

KFC in my fridge. I haven't tried it yet.

[Mark Normand]

Got the chest.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God. This is such a New York complaint. When I got him, like, you got a lug a chest up this.

[Mark Normand]

I know, I know. So.

[Sam Morril]

But it was cool. Presentation.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it was really cool. The chest is, like, well made. It's wooden and metal.

[Sam Morril]

We got to step up our presentation. Yeah. Is everyone in the liquor game now? I know.

[Mark Normand]

And liquor is going through the floor, too. That's the weird part. No one's drinking anymore.

[Sam Morril]

But this is very different than ours. Did you try? I haven't tried it yet. In my fridge. Still.

[Mark Normand]

I did try it. Not for me.

[Sam Morril]

Well, not your type of drink. No, they're like, kind of like.

[Mark Normand]

They're like red bully, Wicked tea. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

There's a lot of money in this kind of, like, tough beverage. Like, look at liquid death.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

It's like liquid death. It's water.

[Mark Normand]

It's water. Mike's Hard Lemonade. All right, all right.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, take it. I just want to drink it. I don't want to fight it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So I got the chest, and the one of the nephews is five, and he's obsessed with pirates. So the wife goes, you gotta bring this to Boston. And I go, oh, yeah, that was a month ago. Cut to the day of. I got my bags packed and I see that fucking chest, and I go, ah, I gotta lug this thing. So I.

[Sam Morril]

Are you driving?

[Mark Normand]

No, I'm taking the flight to Boston.

[Sam Morril]

That's insane.

[Mark Normand]

So I gotta lug this fucking chest through jfk. And everybody's like, what's up with the chest? What's with the chest? I'm like, ah, I'm trying to help out a nephew. And they go, you're a good uncle. And the thing's flopping open and it's heavy as shit. And I'm like, trying to shove it. It won't fit in the. The overhead. So I had to check it all for this chest. Christmas Day finally shows up. The kids running. I go, I found this chest in an old pirate ship. And they go, ah, what is that transformer? And I go, the fucking chest Queef kids.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, man, that sucks.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You just left it. Maybe. Maybe you leave it there and they find something.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I left it. I never want to see that thing again.

[Sam Morril]

And a mama.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Banana Mama.

[Mark Normand]

Bahama mama.

[Sam Morril]

Bahama mama. God, I can't read them. My eyesight sucks.

[Mark Normand]

But we did it. We did a. We did the damn thing with Christmas that I went home in laws. Come home with me because they had to do something in New York. So you, like, right when you get away from in laws, you turn around there in your living room.

[Sam Morril]

Well, now you got this, you know, big place. You have space.

[Mark Normand]

Big place. But here's the problem. You know, it's still being built, and everything's still kind of. We're almost done. We're, like, 90% done. But the dad is walking around going, a couple loose wires over here. Who did the plumbing? What's up with that? A little drywall dust on the floor there. And you're like, I know. And he goes, this is vapor locked. And I'm like, I don't know anything about vapor lock. So I'm getting the whole, like, in law, dad construction dad behavior. Total mansplain. Total. Like, hey, you got to step that up. Who. Who does your plug? Give my number. Let me talk to him. And I'm like, I got it.

[Sam Morril]

Don't worry.

[Mark Normand]

So there's a lot of that going on, and that's a. That's my peeve when someone's staying at my house. Great. Happy to help. Got the bed made, towels on the bed. I'm ready to go. Bathrooms over here.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but you're not. John Taffer. Let's take it down.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. But my peeve is they want to hang out. Like, the dad's like, what are we doing today? And I'm like, oh, I got a pod to do. And he's like, where is it? I'm like, it's in Midtown. He's like, I'll go with you. Now we're going. He's. Now he's going to Midtown with me. So that's the hard part.

[Sam Morril]

Doing Tuesdays with stories with your wife's dad.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. That's a Patreon app. Check it out. But yeah, so that was the hard part, is, like, the babysitting of it all, you know? Like, he's like, what else is going on? And I'm like, I'm gonna mow the lawn. He's like, I'll. I'll rake the leaves. I think he just needs something to do.

[Sam Morril]

You know, Ben Franklin's got that quote. Visitors are like, fish, after three days, they start to stink. Ooh, I'm paraphrasing. I don't know if that's. Pull it up, but that's a version of the quote.

[Mark Normand]

That's good.

[Sam Morril]

But it's so true, man. Like, that's why I didn't want a bed in the other room. I'm like, you can sleep here on the couch?

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Couch ain't that comfy. You're not gonna want to stay for too long.

[Mark Normand]

Couch is temporary.

[Sam Morril]

Gas, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

[Mark Normand]

I think I like yours better.

[Sam Morril]

I like mine better, too.

[Mark Normand]

Smell should be the last word.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know, McDonald's designed their seats to be comfortable for five minutes.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. That's some fucking. You wonder why these guys stick around. It's ideal. Like that food.

[Sam Morril]

They don't want you to loiter. Right.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Also, red makes you hungry, they say. So it's all red. All red. Uncomfortable. Like my ex.

[Sam Morril]

Red.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So you want to leave if something's red too?

[Mark Normand]

Well, red makes you hungry. So you go in, you're like, oh, I want to eat more. I'll buy more burgers.

[Sam Morril]

I wonder why that is. Like, maybe things like ketchup, maybe.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, maybe it does something to the brain. Also, ketchup, one of two foods that hit every taste bud.

[Sam Morril]

They should make chairs in hospitals more comfortable. Oh, you're never there for five minutes.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Waiting room.

[Mark Normand]

And those chairs suck.

[Sam Morril]

They suck.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. What do you got here? Red is considered a color that makes people want to eat because it is associated with excitement, stimulation, and urgency. All right, well, there you go.

[Sam Morril]

Weird. All right. Yeah. What's a color that makes you not want to eat?

[Mark Normand]

Brown, probably.

[Sam Morril]

Or I'm thinking of other fast food. White castles. Just white, right? Blue.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Can you make that a little bigger? Red is associated with energy, passion, urgency, and appetite stimulation.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Sam Morril]

Orange is associated with value and appetite. What are these all. What's. Yellow is associated with Instagram? Enthusiasm, youthfulness, and appetite stimuli. Are these all appetite? McDonald's has two of them, though. Red and yellow, Right. Green associated with health, freshness, nature, and eco friendlyness. That makes sense. Blue associated with calm, trust, security, and freshness. All right, we're blue on a first date.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Eating too much and she might trust you. Purple. Luxury, fruitiness.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, interesting.

[Sam Morril]

Elitism.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, the Lakers.

[Sam Morril]

That's right. You're. You're a bunch of elite fruits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Sweetness, femininity, and calm. All right. Brown, sweetness, nature, earthiness, and wholesomeness. All right, this is kind of interesting.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. All right, now let me throw this at you. Speaking of fucked up holidays, I'm getting on the flight to go to Boston. I got a call from the garage. I keep my car in. Hey, you got a boot on your car. What the hell's up with the boot? They're like, I don't know. You got to go down to the garage. I go, I'm leaving for a flight in 10 minutes. They go, just come by. So I had. The garage is a block away. I go to the garage. The guy goes, we fucked up. We'll take the boot off. I go, all right, great. Then I go to Boston two days later, hey, your car got broken into.

[Sam Morril]

What? Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So?

[Sam Morril]

In a garage.

[Mark Normand]

In a garage.

[Sam Morril]

Well, that's why you pay for the girl.

[Mark Normand]

I know. And the security guys walking around. Now here's the worst part. Window shattered because I think a hobo was trying to get warm. There's all kinds of food in there and shit. He didn't steal anything. Door was unlocked.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Door was unlocked. It was unnecessary to break the window.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

So I had to go to the garage, call the cops. You wait eight hours. The cops finally show up. The cop goes, this is crazy. The. The garage has to pay for this. And I go, all right, thank you. That's good to hear. I go up to the garage guy, the booth, and he goes, we're not paying for this. The cops should have given you a report. I go, he didn't give you a report. He said, you got to pay for it. They go, oh, no, we're not in charge of anything.

[Sam Morril]

Point of the garage, just to house it. That is annoying that it was unlocked too. Like, maybe it was just a criminal for, like, love of the game. He opened it, then shut it. He's like, fuck it, I'm just gonna.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, it looks like he took a bunch of food in there, like, got out of the garbage. Some cakes and cupcakes that you left behind, and then he. He ate them in there, like in the warmth.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, fuck.

[Mark Normand]

There's the boot. I got the boot off. But that's a good looking car.

[Sam Morril]

How do you. So you have to just get someone to fix the windshield?

[Mark Normand]

I guess I got to figure out that out. But I almost don't want to pay for it. Because once you pay for it, trying to get that bill covered is like a nightmare.

[Sam Morril]

What else are you gonna do? Get rid of the car?

[Mark Normand]

No, I was just hoping they would. They would cover it.

[Sam Morril]

It's crazy, man. We're getting fuck late.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

Suckers.

[Mark Normand]

The city.

[Sam Morril]

This city is filled with a lot of people who just love to fuck you over.

[Mark Normand]

They really do. Yeah. I mean, you know when you have, like a great trip in Denver or San Francisco and you fly back right when you land in New York, it's raining, it's snowing. You can't get a cab. The guy fucking splashes you with his tire. You know, it's like, God damn. You get caught in traffic.

[Sam Morril]

Remember when we were in L. A. And we walked in the comedy store and the guy just started screaming at us?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, this is like.

[Sam Morril]

This is la. New York. This is big city. Crazy dude energy.

[Mark Normand]

That was like 11 in the morning, too. I know guys like, you piece of shit. I'll kill you.

[Sam Morril]

Just like. All right, let's. We got a rolly bag. So we don't look in condition to fight.

[Mark Normand]

No, not at all. But hey, we could have been caught on fire on the subway.

[Sam Morril]

So I guess that was fucking. That was bad. You see that? The guardian angels are back.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

God bless them.

[Mark Normand]

Good for them. I love those. When I was a kid, I wanted to be one of those guys. Then you actually think about what happens and you're like, fuck it.

[Sam Morril]

Love that. He. They all look like the bad guy from Street Fighter. What's his name?

[Mark Normand]

Raul? Julian.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah, he was great.

[Mark Normand]

M. Bison.

[Sam Morril]

I don't remember his name.

[Mark Normand]

Something like that. Well, look at these guys. What a. That guy's 78 years old.

[Sam Morril]

They don't. I don't know what difference they're gonna make. He's 78, doesn't carry a weapon.

[Mark Normand]

Ye. He's just wearing a J. He looks like a Coast guard.

[Sam Morril]

We better not fuck with this guy. He's wearing a beret. It is good. I mean, look. But he said, like, I saw the interview. And he's like, we're going to talk to these people. We're going to reason with them. I'm like, I don't know if you understand psychos. If you set someone on fire, you're probably not like, oh, was I not supposed. Okay, I won't do that.

[Mark Normand]

Right, Right.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know if. I don't know if your psychological evaluation is going to help.

[Mark Normand]

70. I do like the idea of a guy, like, boots on the ground. He's not tweeting. He's like, let's go in there.

[Sam Morril]

No, I respect the fuck out of it. I just don't know. I. Look, I guess having anyone brave enough to step in is cool. I mean, that's always the shitty thing about that woman being lit on fire. It's like, people are mad at people for not stepping in, but at the same time, what are you supposed to do when a person's on fire?

[Mark Normand]

True. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, there's no playbook. We're gonna have to start being. Educating citizens of New York. Like, all right, if a person's on fire, everyone take out your coats and just start smacking.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, that's what you think. Is the coat over. But everybody's got that can of the Goose. That shit's thirteen hundred dollars. I Know, I know. Now we're gonna have to carry a rape whistle, pepper spray, a knife, and a fire extinguisher.

[Sam Morril]

It's. It is crazy because I do want to blame some of it on the media, but, like, it is different. Like the subway. There are enough crazy people. Oh, yeah, it's a throwback for sure.

[Mark Normand]

Definitely. There was a shooting two days ago. If you saw that, or a stab. I mean, something else crazy went down, I think, two days ago on the subway. So it's. It's ramping up, folks.

[Sam Morril]

This shit felt like it was written by fo. This like a migrant lit a person on fire in dangerous New York City. Like, you know they were coming. When this story came out. Guatemalan, we told you not to fucking come. Not to. Cause this was someone that Trump, under his immigration, threw out of the country. And then he got back in.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, man. See?

[Sam Morril]

Snuck back in.

[Mark Normand]

I think the jail reform is really part of the problem. That guy was in jail and got out of jail, then put back in jail. Just keep the fucker in jail. He's obviously nuts.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what. What do you do at this point?

[Mark Normand]

It was something at Penn Station I saw. I don't know. I don't know what the hell happened, but it was something bad. Lighting a person on fire, though, is. Boy, that's next level, man.

[Sam Morril]

Stabbed near Penn Station.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay. I guess that was it.

[Sam Morril]

Hell's Kitchen is fucking. That's what kept the name dude.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Sylacaugae lives there. He's got a knife and he got jumped. Remember that? We got the video.

[Sam Morril]

Crazy. Yeah, he maced the guy tough. That worried me because it didn't seem mace really worked.

[Mark Normand]

That's true, yes. Although the cell. He's walked up to the guy and the guy was like, ah.

[Sam Morril]

So I guess maybe it hurt. But then the drugs these people are on, like, who knows if they feel anything, you know?

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

But I see it in every city. Like, they love to act like this isn't taking the country by storm, but every city you go to, there's some fucking weird camping site in downtown. There's people who are like, yeah, look. I mean, they just. These pharmaceutical companies just like, poison the country. And then we're like, yeah, we'll get rich.

[Mark Normand]

I know. Is that what it is? Because, like, you didn't see this in the 50s. Did they just throw a guy in a pit? Did they stab him? Did they kill him? Like, how did they not have this in the 60s or whatever?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, I think there were a lot of drug. I think there were different drugs. I mean, there was definitely a crack epidemic.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

D.C. and stuff.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

And you know, Baltimore and all these places, and I think people were on drugs. I think they were just. Heroin is a more peaceful eye than whatever the shit they're taking now.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Right where it's like angry and they all look like Pacino in the last scene of Scarface. They just won't go down.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. And then Trank is pretty good too. You ever see Trank? Those guys in Kensington, they're like, barely trying to stand up. Pull that. Pull up. Trank. At trnq dc, Benny used to have.

[Sam Morril]

A joke about the guy, the old man in the great joke, where you can't tell if he's. If he's doing tai chi or heroin.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Just the way he's leaning, then the act. That was so good.

[Mark Normand]

So good. Look at that. They just lean. It's like the most peaceful zombie of all time. Damn. Look at those fucking wounds. My God. Ah, good Lord.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I mean, what are you supposed to do? I think tranq.

[Mark Normand]

They just lean over. Wow.

[Sam Morril]

It's tough. I mean, these are just you asking citizens to. But then what happens? You have like a Daniel Penny incident.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, you don't want to kill the people either. It's like a no win situation. Val, our friend from the Comedy Cellar, she's one of the managers there, she got jumped. She got pushed down a flight of stairs in the subway. Hits her head on the edge of the stairs, which are sharp.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

17 stitches. Maybe 18, actually. Yeah, actually might be in the. I might be making this up. It was like 20 something stitches. It was terrible.

[Mark Normand]

I saw her.

[Sam Morril]

You got 400 stitches. She's dead.

[Mark Normand]

No, I saw her the other day. She's back. Thank God.

[Sam Morril]

But she's a New Yorker. That's the thing too, is, like, if you grow up here, obviously your head's on a swivel to that kind of behavior.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know where to just step up. Like, I used to date a girl who is not from here, and she would just. There'd be a crazy guy and she's like, walk near. And I'd be like, no, no, you walk away.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

This is a pretty simple thing. And she's like, oh, I didn't even notice. He was screaming at us. And I was like, well, he was.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, we had that once. It was like two in the morning. We were drinking somewhere and I was we were walking on the east side, and this guy was like, what's your problem? You want to go? And I was like, what's up with this guy? And you're like, just keep going.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Why would you even engage?

[Sam Morril]

Well, we do nothing. A guy yells, what's your problem? It happened to me on the subway once with Outside Steve from the Comedy Cellar. A guy's fucking with everyone on the train. Didn't seem dangerous, but seemed not worth pushing. And he's another New York guy, but he's like, yeah, fuck off. And now he's fucking with us. I'm like, that is fucking amateur.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, amateur hour. The most embarrassing was the guy tried to give me a signed cd. And you were like, what, are you crazy? I was like, hey, it might be worth something.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no. Because those guys will ask for money.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. That's the whole thing. I get my album, and you're like, oh, thank. And then he's like, that'll be $40. Yeah, I don't. I don't actually want.

[Mark Normand]

No, I was helping you out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, no, we've all been. We've all been scammed that way.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. The one is, I'm from New Orleans. That the scams are so much more whimsical. The guy will go, I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes. And you go, I don't know where it goes. On your feet for $4, please.

[Sam Morril]

Almost like, all right. He was witty.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. But they'll. They'll just do that all day.

[Sam Morril]

Port Authority. Fair hustle.

[Mark Normand]

Air hustle.

[Sam Morril]

What is that?

[Mark Normand]

Fake monks. Jeez. Is there no integrity?

[Sam Morril]

I want to see what the fake monks.

[Mark Normand]

Look at.

[Sam Morril]

These guys.

[Mark Normand]

That looks like a real monk to me.

[Sam Morril]

So they get you.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

They're commonplace in Times Square. Although sometimes in Encounter in Union Square, Central Park, I guess any place with heavy traffic, they'll approach you and try to slide a bracelet on your wrist. Then I'll ask you for a donation, many times mentioning a fake temple that is in dire need of the money. These are not real monks, and there is no temple. They are keeping the proceeds. Steer clear of them. The fucking. I got scammed by a monk. I know this is a dark city that are just like, pay up, motherfucker.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, the Dropped Food Mile. Yeah, the wife fell for that one. I was like, you're an amateur. The guy did the oh, my sandwich. And I was like, that sandwich has been run over, eaten by six rats. It's three days old. And she was like, Here's $10. I was like, you chump.

[Sam Morril]

What's the hot dog vendor upcharge? Uh, oh, there's many hard working hot dog vendors in New York City. Billy's in the Upper west side looking at you. However, not all of them are honest, especially in touristy areas. Yeah, they will get you. Anytime you order from a vendor without the prices listed, ask how much it costs first.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

I've seen vendors charge me $3 for water when I don't ask and $2 when I do. Ask in advance and that is. Yeah, hot days in the summer. They'll get you. Yeah, I've heard countless tales of hot dogs being charged seven to ten dollars.

[Mark Normand]

Whatever happened to Three Card Monty? Can we get that guy back? That was at least fun and exciting.

[Sam Morril]

These scams are getting worse and worse. The Statin island ferry scam, the fake Uber at the airport. That's when you got to be careful. Yes, they will fucking. They will send a friend so, like, you don't look at the license plate number. They have a friend go in and you could get abducted.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

There was a comic who got sexually assaulted that way.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

It's fucking bad. Make sure it's the right license plate.

[Mark Normand]

Yikes.

[Sam Morril]

Rip off comedy tickets. We've all been there. Yeah, Tina Fey's performing tonight. Like, wait a second. She's not a stand up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Damn. That was just after they saw my act. I got ripped off.

[Sam Morril]

What? What's the other one? Characters in Times Square.

[Mark Normand]

Watch out for the Mexican Elmo.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, let's take a picture with your kid. Yeah, the Cookie Monster scammed us.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

Sucks because you're ruining your childhood. You know, like, that's that kid's like, favorite character, and he's like, pay up, motherfucker.

[Mark Normand]

Right. But this is a throwback. I mean, none of this is new. He had the pickpocket guy, the fake homeless kid, you know, the mom with the kid who looks sick, but if they just get up and leave after.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, that's a midget. That's not.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you got the lady. My basketball team needs uniforms. You got that kid. They're out there.

[Sam Morril]

The basketball team? Yeah, I'm a veteran. And you're like, oh, like, you look your age. Looks in between wars, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. What are you, Gulf War? What are we talking here? The basketball kid. Whenever you do that, ask the team name.

[Sam Morril]

Ooh.

[Mark Normand]

They always go the N words, you know, they never have anything. I don't get the character scam is that, oh, they take a photo and.

[Sam Morril]

Then money, and then they want like 20 bucks.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Boy, what a town.

[Sam Morril]

They'll fuck. Yeah. I remember as a kid one time, a guy just, like, yelled. He tried to, like, scam my mom. My mom was a city person, too, so she just, like, walked by me and he goes, your mom's a rotten person, kid.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

As a kid, you're like, what the fuck?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And my mom's like, he's on drugs. I was like, four.

[Mark Normand]

Gee. Yeah. I watched a guy spit on my dad once and I. Street car. Yeah. That was like eight. That was heavy.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

My dad just went. And that was it.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it was a kid was like a 14 year old. My dad was in a suit. Probably a racial thing. Who knows?

[Sam Morril]

Damn. That fucking.

[Mark Normand]

It was dark.

[Sam Morril]

You don't want to see that shit as a kid now. Those are, like those moments that kind of kill the innocence where you're like, yes.

[Mark Normand]

One time we were at a K and B, which is like a Rite Aid, and I was playing a street fighter game at a grocery store. My dad shopped or my mom shopped. And then this kid came up and he goes, I bet. Yeah, I can beat you. And I go, I'll take it. He was like, 17, and he beat me in like eight seconds. And I had to give him like, a dollar.

[Sam Morril]

Dude. Yeah. That's hustling for kids. I guess you get older, it's like pool, but when you're a kid, Tekken. That's true, dude. I got a good movie wreck for.

[Mark Normand]

You, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Sheath underwear. It's a new year, fellas. Time to clean out that underwear drawer and restock with sheath. I bet I'm wearing them right now. And I am.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, I bet I am, too.

[Sam Morril]

You rocking.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that.

[Sam Morril]

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[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

Shout out Adam Ega because he sent me the trailer.

[Mark Normand]

Please.

[Sam Morril]

It's called Lake George.

[Mark Normand]

Mmm.

[Sam Morril]

It's an indie. It's like they shot it all for 2 million or so.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

And it's a. It's a. I know you guys make fun of me. It's a neo noir.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

It is fucking. It's great. It's a really good movie.

[Mark Normand]

Is it like a simple plan?

[Sam Morril]

It kind of. It's a different type of. I love a simple plan. It's like five.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

It's really good, dude. And it's basically a guy. I'll give you the short version. He owes this guy. Shea Wingam is great. And Carrie Coon is great. They're all good acting in it. But he's owed money from this gangster who's powerful and you don't know why. He doesn't seem like he's the type of guy that would roll with them. And you're like, why is this guy? But he seems really down his luck. And he's like, I'll give you the money, but you gotta murder my wife.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

And he's like, no way. And then they basically say, we'll kill you if you don't kill her.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. So Adam Ega sends me the trailer and he's like, I haven't seen this yet, but it looks awesome. And I end up watching it and text him. I go, I loved it. He writes back, all right, I'm watching it tonight. And then he wrote my favorite movie of the Year.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

I don't want to oversell it, but I think it's just a good, simple. Sometimes when a movie has a smaller budget, you got to get creative and.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Beautiful scenic shots.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

It. The. Whoever did the cinematography is like. It just looks so cool. Yeah. I mean, acting's great and it's one of those noirs that's funny.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I love that.

[Sam Morril]

But also dark.

[Mark Normand]

I love these movies where it's just the love of movie making. There's like, we got to make a good movie. I don't care about the. The corporate bullshit or making a ton of money. We just want to make a good movie and hope people watch it, you know?

[Sam Morril]

Exactly. And it's like, I feel like these are the types of movies they just don't make anymore.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Cause I feel like we talk about this all like, man, what a great decade. We were so spoiled. That's why we love movies so much, is that we grew up in the 90s.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

When it was a amazing era.

[Mark Normand]

Amazing. I mean, Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, Lion King, and Pulp Fiction came out in the same year.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And Fargo maybe, too. Maybe that was a year later.

[Mark Normand]

Might have been a year later.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Boogie Nights.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Fucking all these great 90s movies. You go on forever, but yeah, it's. It's fun, man.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I mean, we were lucky because we grew up in a time where a good movie made a lot of money, so you were incentivized to make good movies. Now it's like, unless you're Avengers.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, dude. I read the thing recently that Netflix now all these streamers are being. They're looking for scenes where you describe what you're doing as you're doing it so people can watch while they're on their phone. That's like, imagine you're a screenwriter or a writer and you're like, I gotta dumb my shit down this much. It just sucks that. That's. I understand. Like, if you. But isn't that what, like, reality TV already is?

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Isn't there enough of that shit already?

[Mark Normand]

It's. It's horrible.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's. It's scrollable. Watching. But I had a horrible idea the other day. You know, we do stand up clips when we put, like, you make a joke about Stephen Hawking and you put a graphic of him. I was like, what if we did that with a whole special? And then I realized, what am I doing? I'm dumbing down the art form, you know? Now I'm putting in a Pokemon figure when I make a Pokemon joke. Because I worry about the attention span of the audit that you catch up to us. I know, but I had that thought, and that's a scary thought.

[Sam Morril]

I know, man. No, it's. You don't want to. You don't want to write for the algorithm.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Because then it's like. It's kind of the same as just pandering. It's all right. Going on stage and being like, I think gay marriage should be legal. I was like, yeah, we agree. What?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So what a hero.

[Sam Morril]

Writing for the algorithm is one of those things where you're like, fuck this. This is where we're at. A lot of people are, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, on some level, we're already doing, like, doing that sometimes with topical shit, but at least that's our take on topical shit.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Like we were. When we were doing that roast. There were a couple topical stories they threw at us, and we tried to write jokes for. And we realized as we're telling them, we didn't care about them.

[Mark Normand]

We don't care about machine gun killing.

[Sam Morril]

We don't give a shit about Megan Fox. It just wasn't interesting to us. So we dropped those jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yep.

[Sam Morril]

And it's funny. People listening. Like, you care about Stephen Hawking on Epstein Island. It's kind of funny. I think it is.

[Mark Normand]

That's an interesting angle.

[Sam Morril]

P. Diddy. That was like an interesting story. That was, you know, Luigi. That was a crazy story. So those stories, we were like, let's fucking write.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, totally. And, boy, we got a ton of great messages. We got tagged a lot and stuff. Great Goudsby. That was a hit. I was off. I was like, I don't know about Gouds.

[Sam Morril]

Eli Sayers wrote that joke.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I mean, every. Every third comment is like, great Goudsby. Great Goudsby.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So there you go. You gotta go.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, did they cut your Diddy joke? The one about. I think they cut one of. I didn't watch it, but I got tagged in some videos. I don't know if they cut it for the clip or something. But your joke about. Fuck, there was a Diddy joke. I think the riff on Jeff. Did they cut that one? You look like the guy who hands out baby oil to.

[Mark Normand]

That one kills.

[Sam Morril]

That was like. I didn't see it in the clip.

[Mark Normand]

I think you're right. I think they did cut it.

[Sam Morril]

Cause we posted one, and I think. Fuck, that was like, one of my favorite.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

They cut two of my favorite jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

That was one that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Because he's wearing the white tux. Marcos, I just said the joke. But he looks like the guy who hands out baby oil at a Diddy party. Crushed in the club.

[Mark Normand]

Crushed.

[Sam Morril]

And then I had one I loved about his cancer. They cut where it was you. You look like a lump.

[Mark Normand]

They cut the lump.

[Sam Morril]

They cut the lump.

[Mark Normand]

The lump kill.

[Sam Morril]

You look like a lump and like a lump, women are terrified to find you in their shower. Oh, I was so proud when I. When I.

[Mark Normand]

You wrote that one?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we. We wrote a few of them, but we did help, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we had help, but a couple we wrote, and that was a banger and it was like a last minute.

[Sam Morril]

One where you to do the set. So obviously we have help from writers and they're feeding us jokes. We're seeing if we can mold that into our voice or if it doesn't work for us, we're riffing with the writers.

[Mark Normand]

Yep, yep.

[Sam Morril]

We had like, you know, I think we already mentioned this in show, but people like, you know, Dickie Egan. Oh, yeah, Mike Lawrence, Tank Beast, Matt Broussard was helpful. Eli just said, Zach, amigo. Jesus Christ, he is relentless.

[Mark Normand]

Killer. Great, great ride. I don't know why that guy's not hired some.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, that I use JP McDay, great writer. A lot of great writers were helping us. So, yeah, when you have a week to write a whole set. But we threw a couple bits in there. We cut some of that Stephen Hawking thing he did that I loved.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, man, that was pretty dark.

[Sam Morril]

We went dark, but not as dark. I mean, shit, Tim came out as a dead CEO.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

I thought it was hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, very funny.

[Sam Morril]

I saw the post, wrote it up. I was like, holy shit.

[Mark Normand]

I know, I know. He made the news. And his post was great. He just posted on Instagram and said, this is as tasteless as it looks like, which is so true.

[Sam Morril]

What sucks? I was in the background of thing looking like this. I'm like, I was laughing. They got the one screenshot of me not laughing.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, man, that was. That was crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Got a lot of. I think no one knew it was coming. So we were like, what the fuck is this? And it took a day to kind of catch up to people where they're like, what the fuck is this torching? There was no publicity or anything, really.

[Sam Morril]

Well, yeah. We were like the only ones who didn't get a write up for doing something outrageous. We should have come out as if we came from the white party.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Top and a white linen over.

[Mark Normand]

It would have been.

[Sam Morril]

But, you know, whatever.

[Mark Normand]

I thought about it. But, yeah, he was wearing the tuck, so I thought, hey, maybe we should look nice.

[Sam Morril]

We look cooler. But I probably would have gotten more buzz.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

But, you know, when are we ever gonna wear a smoking jacket again? It was kind of fun.

[Mark Normand]

Good point. Yeah. The loose bow tie. Always a good look. But, yeah, it's out. We're done. People can watch it. And we don't. We don't really. We didn't really burn any material. Too bad.

[Sam Morril]

I lost two, but I probably wasn't gonna use them in anything. All right, but then you say that. But then you're like, this Diddy story ain't going away. I could. I could have kept that King and Justin one, probably.

[Mark Normand]

I bet you can still do it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, maybe.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Epstein. One I don't think I was gonna use for anything else.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, there you go.

[Sam Morril]

An old one. Look at. Look at Nate. Crushing, man.

[Mark Normand]

Crushing that. Did you. It's beautiful. Get a click on that.

[Sam Morril]

Is this the second one in the round?

[Mark Normand]

I believe it is. And it's so pretty.

[Sam Morril]

It is a definite flex to do. Look at that.

[Mark Normand]

It looks like the Super Bowl.

[Sam Morril]

Did Mike Lavin direct this one as well?

[Mark Normand]

Probably.

[Sam Morril]

He's great. I mean, homeless pimp, if you don't know him. I mean, you probably know him from Chrissy D's. Used to be on Chris's podcast. He's directed a lot of specials.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And he does a terrific job.

[Mark Normand]

That is really something. Boy, Nate, we. You were friends with, like, the America's comic. He is, like, the guy right now.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, man. I have only memories of us, you know, drinking together back in the day. Yeah. I mean, Nate's always been a great dude and a great comic. I have this memory of him. We're doing a show one night at Caroline's, and we all bombed. It was one of those, you know, like, Caroline's present shows in Times Square. They bark in the worst audience you've ever played for.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

But it was like a lineup. Like, looking back, you're like, man, these are, like, great comics on this, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Joe Mackey. I don't know if you were on it or not. I think maybe Soda was on it. All these great comics.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And we all kind of bombed.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And they just wouldn't laugh. And Nate kind of bombed too.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

But he was the only one who didn't adapt. I mean, he didn't, like, feel like he had to. We all in some ways, kind of were like trying to change gears at them. And he was the only one who stayed true to who he was on stage. And over time, he started doing better and better as all. We were all just kind of bombing.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Sam Morril]

And by the end, you could tell they respected him, which is. It's pretty cool to be like. Because nothing feels worse than pandering and still bombing.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, tell me about it.

[Sam Morril]

But I was like, man, this guy is maybe the most comfortable in his own skin and voice on stage as like anyone, 100%.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, I would see him go on after like a high energy black comic humping the stool, and he would still get him. I mean, the guy, he knew how to. He doesn't show it. You can't see his moves, but he knew how to get an audience into his rhythm somehow. Quick. And it's really impressive because it's so.

[Sam Morril]

Authentic and unique and you know, that's him. So when he's Hawk, they don't sound like jokes. But then you see, they posted one. I'm sure you could find it on Netflix. They posted maybe on Instagram or maybe it was on his. I saw it somewhere, but it's a joke. And you see, you're like, oh, that's a joke. Yeah, but you don't realize he's telling you jokes. It's like the way you. You almost get mad. I feel like an audience who doesn't know him might be like underestimating.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Sam Morril]

Not realizing how. How smart the jokes are.

[Mark Normand]

But maybe that's his point. Maybe he wants to. To lull you and then sneak attack.

[Sam Morril]

I think it is.

[Mark Normand]

I think it is too.

[Sam Morril]

Bird does that to a degree too.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Where he'll, like, he'll play dumb. And then you're like, that's one of the smartest jokes I've ever heard.

[Mark Normand]

That's so true.

[Sam Morril]

What do I know? I'm a fucking comic. And I'm like, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

You know stuff.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. He's like, look, folks, it was static.

[Sam Morril]

It wasn't like a video. So it's probably on their Instagram or something.

[Mark Normand]

Netflix or his.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. But I just saw it and I was like, that's a fucking joke.

[Mark Normand]

Well, Norm always said, play dumb. Be the dumb guy in the room. Even Norm's like reading Dostoyevsky and shit, pretending to be an idiot.

[Sam Morril]

But then, yeah, they'd fucking. No. Is it? No, it's a. Still, it doesn't matter. It's probably, oh, look at who you are. Look at that.

[Mark Normand]

That dumb mug there. It is very differently. She'll read the labels and I'll wash a rug and a suit together. It's a great line.

[Sam Morril]

It's a great line. It wasn't the one I was thinking of. It's another good one. Damn. Is there another?

[Mark Normand]

There it is.

[Sam Morril]

There it is. There's one. I don't know anything about history and I can tell because every history movie I watch, I watch on the edge of my seat.

[Mark Normand]

Gold.

[Sam Morril]

That was it. And that's like a joke where you're like, oh, shit. That's like a perfectly written joke. But that's just so. So.

[Mark Normand]

It's so conversational.

[Sam Morril]

You could say that at a bar.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, he had a great line. The tag to that is I watched Pearl harbor, man. I was surprised as they were such a great joke. And it's so subtle, but it's so gold.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's great.

[Mark Normand]

There's Fat Tim and Fat Joe. This scene almost made me turn it off. Right here, this reveal. Ah. That is the worst white, fucking hairless piece of ass I've ever seen. And I've seen Jeff's face. Oh, my God. That guy does not have an inch of hair on his body. But it is interesting.

[Sam Morril]

You could put your fingers in your mouth or his butt and it would probably look the same.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. Yes. And both. Something would come out on either. Oh, is this happy, too? Alright. I feel now we're just watching tv.

[Sam Morril]

We're not watching T. Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

We'll get back to having a conversation, but yeah, Nate. Killing it.

[Sam Morril]

Killing it. Cool to see people that you just knew from back in the day. Just crushing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And it shows that the work pays. Oh, yeah. Nikki did the Golden Globes. You heard? She got advice from Gervais.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

He had a great line. He goes, one, you're not one of them, so don't try to fit in. Be you. Be a comic. Be biting. And two, just know when you go out there, they're not gonna shut up. They're all talking and kind of milling about and there's a bunch of shit going on. Don't let that get in your head.

[Sam Morril]

That is a hell gig.

[Mark Normand]

It's a hell gig.

[Sam Morril]

So she will look good doing it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, she'll kill it.

[Sam Morril]

And she'll put the work in like she knows.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. She always does it.

[Sam Morril]

You got to run this shit through the mud, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like, I feel like even for our thing, we had a week to do it. We were up every night.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

Four times a night.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Riding at lunch, riding on the flight, riding in the. In the clubs, in the back.

[Sam Morril]

And she's done roast. She's done multiple roasts and she always kills. So you just, you know what you got to do.

[Mark Normand]

These are interesting too, because we could fucking. We're talking about rape and Diddy and Stephen Hawking. You kind of have to clean it up on these. But she's gonna find a way to be biting still, which is, I think one of her.

[Sam Morril]

And that's one challenge is like, man, I would love to do a clean one sometimes just for the challenge.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Cuz you still have to have like, Nikki's gonna be edgy still. It's like when you see a good comic, like, look, 30 Rock was on NBC. But those are like biting jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I love that show.

[Sam Morril]

You know, like Ryan Hamilton, if you have. If you don't know his comedy. Great clean comic. Yeah, he's got so many great clean comics.

[Mark Normand]

Killer.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, we just. We're talking about Nate, you know, we're talking about. We've had Regan on here. We've had Gaffigan on here.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. I mean, Tom Papa.

[Sam Morril]

Great.

[Mark Normand]

Ryan Hamilton got hit by a bus. He's got 30 minutes on. It's all gold.

[Sam Morril]

I know. It's funny because the comic part of my brain is like, wish I got hit by a. There is that. Fuck. Obviously I don't, but there's like, fuck. I'm in a writing drought.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Yeah. You need something to happen.

[Sam Morril]

You need something to ha. You are waiting. But then also, it's on us too. Cause comfort is like the enemy of creativity.

[Mark Normand]

So true.

[Sam Morril]

Moved into nicer places, careers have gone good. And now I don't want to. I have to force myself to leave. I used to, like, be excited to go on the road because hotels were so much nicer than my apartment. And even shitty hotels.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, but then you get comfortable at home. It has to still be a treat.

[Mark Normand]

You know what you need? Cause we both have comfortable homes. You need a wife. Now I'm out again. Now I'm like, all right, I gotta get out. That's the key.

[Sam Morril]

And then you're gonna have a kid coming on the way.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I'm never gonna be there, but I do.

[Sam Morril]

I still am excited to go on the road. Cause I do feel like, all right, I'm gonna get shit done. I'm gonna work.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

And that's exciting, knowing that I'll maybe get one new bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, that's you. And you're like, left alone, you can write and, like, no one's gonna bug you. You don't have a podcast to do. You're just in that hotel room in that coffee shop working.

[Sam Morril]

Can I run into Bit Byte, please? So this is just an idea. I don't know where the joke is. Perfectly. But I said it last night, it got something. I was like, alright, it needs more. But. But, you know, talking about, like, healthcare in this country, like, I'm not obviously not defending what Luigi did, but we all kind of get it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like, protesting doesn't do shit.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

So I'm not saying it's okay. But we all get. Like, even if you have insurance and you're getting ripped off, it takes what? We found someone in your network, you need a referral. It'll take six months. Okay, I can buy a gun today.

[Mark Normand]

You know, Good point.

[Sam Morril]

So it's like, would you, like, at a certain point you get angry? I think that's the angle that got a pop. I'm like, there's something there, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Maybe guns are easier to get than insurance, you know, like, that's the whole meat of it. Like the gun. Do you have a waiting period?

[Sam Morril]

Not. Not federally.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I don't believe so. I think that used to be a thing.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Two guys who don't have guns talking about guns.

[Mark Normand]

No. Or health care.

[Sam Morril]

But like, it is funny. It's easier. Like, Like, I wonder if more people have guns. Or health care. That's an interesting.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good question. I guess if you have a gun, you don't need health care.

[Sam Morril]

Federal law does not require a waiting period from. Yeah, all right.

[Mark Normand]

Who's the first guy to walk into a hospital? And they go, yeah, sit right there, sir. It'll be a couple hours. And he's like, john Q. Yeah, John Q.

[Sam Morril]

But I feel people made that comment. I'll noodle with that. But there was something there. When you get that first bite. I was griffing. I was like, all right. That lasts means something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, I like that. That's big. And talk about timely.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Hopefully it stays. I think that story is gonna stay relevant.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, he's in the trial. That's all gonna keep coming up.

[Sam Morril]

Nathan McIntosh had a good angle on it too. I've heard so many of the. Just like, he's hot. And you're like, alright, more.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Well, what's his angle?

[Sam Morril]

I forgot it. But it's probably on Instagram.

[Mark Normand]

Macintosh. Underrated.

[Sam Morril]

He's fucking funny.

[Mark Normand]

Good comic, always unique. Takes and different angles.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah. Check him out on his Instagram, I think. Or maybe Twitter or something. I don't know. But yeah, he's a funny guy.

[Mark Normand]

Is this anything? And this is. Talk about a half baked idea.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, this is a. They offered $10,000. This is for information. A billion dollar company offered $10,000 for their CEO. That's like if somebody killed my mom. And I offered you half a penny to find the killer.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, I don't get it. I missed the beginning. Somebody help find the killer.

[Sam Morril]

On my mom. I'll give you a bite of my sandwich. Cuz he said that the company's worth billions and they offered $10,000 to find the.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, like I said. Oh, I see. That's funny. That's hilarious.

[Sam Morril]

Great angle. Yeah. What was your bet?

[Mark Normand]

That's great. The sweater is a problem, but a great bit. We love you, Nate. Is this stupid? I read some stat, it said women, 98% of women can't keep a secret. You know, like, that's like one of their flaws. Wow. And I thought that might be why there's so few female serial killers. It's not because they're better people. It's just because they're like, where were you in the night of 15? She's like, well, all right, I killed four guys. They can't keep it in.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we can. We can gab and be quiet, you know, we can kill and be quiet. You feel women murder and you, like, need a gab about.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. You got a gossip. Gossip. And I thought the funny part could be she's in the confession and she's like, well, I went out to kill this guy. Then I realized I needed milk. All I had was soy milk. There's a lot of sugar in soy milk. I can't. And the guy's like, get to it. Just kill me.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, there's something funny too, about, like, you. You murder people and you just have, like, you just have to get it out.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Talking to a friend. Like, I met a guy the other night and he's like, I met a guy too. What happened next? I shouldn't say.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yes. Come on, it's me.

[Sam Morril]

There's something really funny about that. I didn't know where you were going. Yeah, Going CIA.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Sam Morril]

Like murderers. Funnier.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Women can't keep a secret.

[Sam Morril]

How many female serial killers have there been? Right? It's like, it's. Very few. Very few.

[Mark Normand]

Especially famous ones. I know. We got monster, monster. 16%. Wow. Women only do 10% of the murder.

[Sam Morril]

It'S usually a domestic thing too. I think that's true. But like, that's the thing too. It's like, you know, look at Luigi. Good looking guy murder someone warnos a monster. Not exactly making my dick hard. Like, we're not standing outside, like, we'll be there when you get out, Right?

[Mark Normand]

Well, if a girl's hot enough, she can get a guy to kill for him.

[Sam Morril]

Or. Wow, that is amazing. They got Charlize Theron to play her.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

These are the casting people. They're like, you want to get someone who's maybe, you know, a good character actress? They're like, nah, just ug up. Well, what is the hottest woman in the world?

[Mark Normand]

What does it say about America that we're like, okay, I want to be taken seriously. I gotta be ugly. She wants to be win an Oscar. Can't win an Oscar if you're hot. Oh, this lady's asking for it. Look at this fucking knife.

[Sam Morril]

You know, it was pretty hot though. She was not a serial killer, but remember Jodi Arias? Oh, yeah, she was. I had a bit about her back in the day, about how her boyfriend, she stabbed a boyfriend 30 times, shot him in the head and all because he broke up with her. And women always like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face. And I'm like, that's why I'm gonna stick to text.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, she's kind of got a Boebert vibe.

[Sam Morril]

She looks crazy.

[Mark Normand]

She does. Nice lips. Damn. You broke up with her? Yeah, one time, a friend of mine, he cheated on a girl and she was like, why didn't you just dump me? And he's like, well, I still want to go out with you. I just wanted to fuck this other person. And she's like, well, just break up with me if you don't want to fuck. If you want to fuck other people. And he's like, but I always want to fuck other people. That doesn't make sense.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that is a tough thing.

[Mark Normand]

It's a tough one.

[Sam Morril]

I had another bit I was working on, like that where it's like, my girlfriend asked her, I want to fuck other people. And I was like, of course. And she goes like, what? And I was like, well, you don't want to sleep with other guys. And she goes, no. And I was like, well, you're always commenting when a guy is attractive. And she goes, that doesn't mean I want to sleep with him. And I was like, okay, but that's fucking weird.

[Mark Normand]

That's Weird.

[Sam Morril]

It's like, if I see a movie trailer and it looks amazing, I'm not like, man, that looks incredible. Table for another man.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, of course. It's like food. You want to eat all the food. It looks good.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's. I'm not saying I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying this is what I want.

[Mark Normand]

Of course.

[Sam Morril]

But then you have to. You really have to. It hurts to. They want honesty, but then. Well, then don't ask questions that you know are gonna hurt your feeling.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

No, I don't even look at anyone else. Yes, we do.

[Mark Normand]

That's why I never got that whole. That's another thing with ladies. I don't get is like, the. The happy wife, happy life. Like, what is this, a dictator? Like, I'm terrified of this woman. If she's not happy, my whole life is ruined. Like, some people aren't happy all the time. Like, why. This is on me now.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Suck up. Get your together.

[Sam Morril]

That is a whipped hut. That's also, like, kind of. Yeah, it's like. That's like the old 90s sitcom.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Sam Morril]

Like, oh, well, whatever you want, honey. I thought this was, like, a partnership.

[Mark Normand]

I know, I know. What the hell? Happy wife, happy life. When I heard that, I was like, I'm never getting married.

[Sam Morril]

Also, why. So my happiness is now dependent on her happiness?

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

I've dated people who have severe depression. It usually starts after they date me, but still. No, that's. But that's insane.

[Mark Normand]

It's insane. And you're treating him like a kid. It's like, oh, the toddler is unhappy. So she's screaming all day. You're like, well, get it together. If you're unhappy. Suck it up. Go to work. Figure it out. Why is this on me?

[Sam Morril]

That's fucking stupid.

[Mark Normand]

It's stupid. It's. It's a little misogynisty, too.

[Sam Morril]

A little bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Because you're like the. It's like fake ass kissery. Right? It's like those people that post the pictures with their wives all the time and, you know they're miserable.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

We all know those couples that they're, like, hanging on by a thread, overcompensate, and they're doing the posts because they're like, no, we're good. See, I'm showing you.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That I'm not gonna leave because I'm showing the world that you're mine. But it's like, yeah, but say hand.

[Mark Normand]

In hand with the people who spend $8 million on a wedding. They get an elephant and they get like a three ring circus. And all this guys doing the fire and the crazy food and the band. And then they break up in a year, you know.

[Sam Morril]

Oh God.

[Mark Normand]

Because they put the love into the wedding. They don't put the love into each other.

[Sam Morril]

It's showy, it's showing real. It's like you're not. If you felt secure in it, you wouldn't have to do all this.

[Mark Normand]

Right? Right. It's the guy who's like, I love pussy. No straight guy talks like that.

[Sam Morril]

It is kind of like a gay dude who is acting how they think. Straight dudes hang around like, man, you know what fucking rocks? Pussy dude love pussy so much.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Just like, dude, you remember that, that.

[Sam Morril]

If you don't 40 year old virgin.

[Mark Normand]

He'S like, oh, tits. Yeah. Oh, it's like a bag of sand.

[Sam Morril]

Although fake tits can feel like a bag of.

[Mark Normand]

That's true, that's true.

[Sam Morril]

Never touch it. When they don't move at all and you're like, yeah, I mean they look better than they feel. Yes, they look amazing. But then you touch them and you're like, it's a little too hard.

[Mark Normand]

Boy, ain't that the truth. That is true.

[Sam Morril]

Sometimes they get a little too floppy. You want that middle ground.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true.

[Sam Morril]

It's like, it's like pizza. You don't want it to just be like totally stiff and you don't want too much flop.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

You want in the middle a little bit bit, yes. Like a hint of flop.

[Mark Normand]

Hint of flop. And like a pizza. I dab at first, then I stick.

[Sam Morril]

My face in it. Sorry about that one, guys.

[Mark Normand]

I love. My wife's got huge cans. I love trying to get them both in my hand. That's a fun move. You know, you try to just finagle.

[Sam Morril]

And they're even bigger now because of the pressure.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Are you bummed that they're going to lose a lot? I mean, they're already.

[Mark Normand]

Well, they were already huge and now they're like like crazy huge. So I'm fine with back to huge.

[Sam Morril]

Is it fun having sex with a pregnant woman?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know about fun, but it's, it's different. It's dev, you gotta maneuver more. Like the other night I got too into it. You know, you just kind of go nuts during sex. And I was on top and she was like, what are you doing? You're squishing the baby. And I was like, oh geez, you're right. I was just, like, on top of her, like missionary with a fucking pregnant belly. I didn't even realize it because I was so keyed up, you know?

[Sam Morril]

Even worse than six months of your fucking. She's like, you're squishing the baby.

[Mark Normand]

By the way, I got this one the other night. There's a big difference between pull my hair and you're on my hair. Isn't that weird? Like, I had an elbow on the hair and she was like, ah. But then if I pull the hair, she's like, ooh. Like, what? What's the difference? Pulled the hair. The purpose. Yeah. It's got to be on purpose.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Mark Normand]

You're on my hair. You're pulling my hair.

[Sam Morril]

Damn. That's crazy. You're gonna have a kid so soon.

[Mark Normand]

I know. It's like 25 days.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God. That's amazing though, man. Yeah, for now. You're built for. You got the foundation.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. Very exciting. And what's nice is when the kid comes out, we can stop talking about the pregnancy. All I hear is pregnancy. I know, and I get it. It's. It's a big deal. And she's. She's going through a lot, but it's. You know, it's a lot of cool shoes. Oh, thank you. These were a Christmas gift.

[Sam Morril]

New Balance. You like. You're like the New Balance guy.

[Mark Normand]

I love New Balance. I've. I got. I walk everywhere, so I need a comfortable shoe.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, they look comfortable.

[Mark Normand]

What do you think? Are they. It's kind of a throwback.

[Sam Morril]

That's why I like them.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, me too. 550. They're a little too white right now.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but you'll dirty them up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, this city will do it. By the way, what's going on? It's like 60 degrees outside.

[Sam Morril]

I know. What the hell?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know this. At least we got a touch of snow.

[Sam Morril]

I got that cold plunge turned into a block of ice outside.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

It's busted. Are we still getting those new ones? Oh, I need a new one. I think it's. I think it all melted today.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

And I.

[Mark Normand]

Is it leaking?

[Sam Morril]

No, it's not leaking, but the thing won't turn on anymore. Yeah. 56. Look at that, 56. I usually have a little. I have a jacket for.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, she's so. Her dementia is getting so insane.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, it's kind of funny. I'll just. You know, she's in such deep sleeps all the time, so I have to, like, wake her up. If I'm gonna take her out to pee and stuff. So I have to be like very gentle with her, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then she'll like turn around, like give me a look like, who the fuck are you?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Sam Morril]

And then just attack.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, I don't want to tempt her here, but she, you know, you have to really get her up. Yeah, but her attacking is hilarious because she's fucking £9, right? She's just like, ah, yeah. It's not scary.

[Mark Normand]

What about the bite? Is the bite four teeth? Okay? You're fine.

[Sam Morril]

If every once in a while I get like the two teeth that were.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I'm like, that didn't feel great.

[Mark Normand]

But you're basically living with a meth head, two teeth and turn on you at any moment, you know. Wow, that's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

She has a little meth head.

[Mark Normand]

My ex girlfriend had a chihuahua. The most cunty, annoying dog. Yappy little chihuahua.

[Sam Morril]

Got like one fourth chihuahua.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Sam Morril]

That's why she's a. They're the cuntiest dogs ever.

[Mark Normand]

Such a cunt. But the crazy thing about the dog is I would. We had like a weird, tumultuous relationship. Love, hate. Sometimes she'd be like, this is gray. We're hanging out. I got her like a baby and she's licking my chin. Great. And then sometimes I would be nervous to pick her up and she could feel it. And then she would snap. She was like. And I would drop the dog.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, she's back.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there we go.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, dude, those dogs. There's a trainer at this gym I go to and he'll just like, he'll just. He's this Jack guy just walking around all cocky and his chihuahua just follows him everywhere. Just the funniest thing to see a huge guy with a dog this big.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

And the dog picks like, they pick up on your personality. So the dog is kind of cocky and.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Well, I'm like, nah, this is. This is not.

[Mark Normand]

That's a dog. Yeah, you got a method. You gotta come home. This thing's gonna be taking apart a vacuum cleane.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, she. Last time I brought her in here, she had some fucking bad diet. She was diarrhea all over the street. But she's all right now. I want to make sure she's so old. Just want to make sure she's all right. But the funny. Her face is so funny. She just cheers people up. I saw this grumpy looking guy in the street and he looked down at Winnie's face and Just. And he just smiled like. That is the. The power of a cute little pup.

[Mark Normand]

That's the tongue. That tongue. It gets you every time.

[Sam Morril]

Look at that cat, dude. A sweet cat, man. It's a nice animal at home. Home.

[Mark Normand]

Huge. A home needs an animal. Like, we were just in her in laws and there's no animals around. And you're like, this is kind of boring. There's no energy in the house.

[Sam Morril]

It's nice to have a creature roaming around.

[Mark Normand]

It is.

[Sam Morril]

The only thing is you got to get like a Roomba or something. That hair is everywhere.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, we just got a Roomba.

[Sam Morril]

It's. It's crazy, right?

[Mark Normand]

It's crazy the amount of hair. But I don't love the Roomba.

[Sam Morril]

I gotta beef with it because you got stairs now.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but it's not picking. I watch it go over a, you know, a paperclip and it won't pick it up.

[Sam Morril]

You like a Mexican Roomba. I need one that works harder.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Arumb.

[Sam Morril]

That's what I need, dude. I don't even have one, but I've been told to get one. But I've heard that it's like crazy, the technology. Because they learn the pattern of your home.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

So they, you know, first they're kind of figuring it out, but then they just kind of know where to go. That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

That's impressive.

[Sam Morril]

And they know when to charge. So it just goes back.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, it goes back to the home.

[Sam Morril]

It is cool technology.

[Mark Normand]

It is. It is fun. And you feel like you're doing something. I'm watching TV with the Roomba on. I'm like. I'm cleaning, you know.

[Sam Morril]

Well. And they have a mop version now too.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know if it works as well, but they have a mop. I'm looking into it. I'm like this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, cool. I would get one. I mean, I have one. They're. They're pretty nice. But I do think it could be better at picking shit up.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Well, it's just hard now that you got the multiple floors.

[Mark Normand]

I know. That's how you know it's not Mexican. It stops at the border. It doesn't go to the other rooms, but it's pretty impressive. Like this. It'll hit the stairs. Like in. The stairs are just going down and it stops. So it's. It definitely is good at scanning, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

The mopping. That's incredible.

[Sam Morril]

I watched it. I was talking to Salacus, who's not here today, and you know, he's a great movie Guy, he's always movies. You ever see Brian De Palma's Body Double?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's been a while, but I've seen it.

[Sam Morril]

It's like Rear Window meets Vertigo. Yeah, but just kind of pornographic.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah.

[Sam Morril]

It's insane.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Melanie Griffin. Whatever happened to her? She was hot.

[Sam Morril]

I mean. Yeah, she's like the hot chick in so many movies.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Her daughter is that actress, Dakota Johnson.

[Mark Normand]

What? Oh, yeah, with Don Johnson.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, she's. Dude, another great one with her. Something Wild. If you never see this one, I can't give it a full wreck because it's too weird. I like it a lot, but I. I can't give it the wreck to our lake. George is my wreck for the week. Yeah, but man, it's fucking. I thought it was fun as hell. My girlfriend hated it.

[Mark Normand]

It does look super weird.

[Sam Morril]

It's weird as fuck, but I just. It's just fun. It's like 80s in this crazy way. I don't know. Yeah, and De Palma's so fucking. His movies are always fun, man.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, he. I was texting Salakhus and of course he fucking was like, that's one of my favorites.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, of course.

[Sam Morril]

You ever see Something Wild with Her? That's a great.

[Mark Normand]

No, I never heard of it.

[Sam Morril]

That's a underrated one. Leota's incredible in it.

[Mark Normand]

Something Wild. Oh. Oh, yeah. I remember this.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's really good.

[Mark Normand]

Jeff Daniels. How about a Milk Money?

[Sam Morril]

Never saw that one, but that was. Was that her tits? Yes, those movies were her tits.

[Mark Normand]

Ed Harris. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I think I had a friend who, like when we were like 13, he was like, that's in my jerk rotation.

[Mark Normand]

I'm sure you can find the tits if you really do some finagling there, Peters.

[Sam Morril]

Alicia would. Had it bookmarked already.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

She was just sexy in so many movies.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, come on. I think. Oh, my Lord. Milk money. Damn, those are real.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it looks Great body.

[Mark Normand]

Great body. Nice face. Good head of hair.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Pretty lady.

[Mark Normand]

Yep. I think she was banging Antonio Banderas for a while.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I think they were together. She's in another one with Harrison Ford. That's supposed to be good. I didn't see it, but I forgot the movie's name.

[Mark Normand]

She was kind of like a trashier. Meg Ryan.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you know, like Meg Ryan. But she'll. She'll show some. She'll show some Clam.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. More sex appeal than Meg Ryan's. A little more Girl Next Door.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, hers would be called. You've got Male Genitalia all over you.

[Mark Normand]

There we go. Count it. Hell, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

She's in. That's a fucking great movie.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know no Hackman.

[Sam Morril]

That's a great fucking dude. Arthur Penn directed it. Who did Bonnie and Clyde.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Sam Morril]

It's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Morril]

Awesome movie.

[Mark Normand]

I'll check. We're getting some good movies today.

[Sam Morril]

A lot of movie. I mean, look, it's the holidays. I'm not doing shit. I'm doing sets at the Cellar, but these holiday crowds are taking years off my life.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, dude, I did three last night. It was drunks, top to bottom.

[Sam Morril]

I did a 6pm show. This woman is so fucking hammered, and I gotta say, she looked great. I thought she was. Was like, in her 30s. I was. She was like, oh, we've been. We've been married 40 years or something. Like 40 years. And I was like, 40 years?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

How old are you? She goes, 62. Couldn't believe it looked incredible. He looked old as shit. Yeah, but she looked.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Good for him.

[Sam Morril]

Good for him. Man, she was hammered, so not entirely good for him.

[Mark Normand]

There's something about this. Between Christmas and New Year's is this weird limbo of the year and everybody's getting fucked up and fat, and because.

[Sam Morril]

They'Re around family, the Christmas to New Year's week has got to be one of the hardest drinking weeks of the year. Because you're around family, think about who you are when your family shows up. I love them, but they say one wrong thing that triggers some childhood thing, and I'm like, where the fuck is the scotch?

[Mark Normand]

Yes, totally. Scotch and cookies. I need some vice. Give me every vice you got.

[Sam Morril]

Trying to numb yourself.

[Mark Normand]

I know. It's so true.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, when we were at the roast and we were just there for four hours on things, I remember when we were like, they brought us the scotch at like, three hours, and then we just downed it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Or Bodega cat, whatever they brought us. And then we're like, all right, we need more. Ms. Pat's, like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? And we're like. You realize, oh, shit, that looks crazy. Yeah, drink.

[Mark Normand]

True.

[Sam Morril]

But you're like, no, we just need to get fucking ham. That sounds worse the more you say, no, we just need to black out to forget this night.

[Mark Normand]

Well, we worked our balls off for like a full week, you know, Going to bed at midnight, waking up at 9, going to breakfast, writing all day, doing sets all night. All we were. I had, like, jokes on the brain. It was like fucking goodwill hunting chalkboard you want to shut down a computer.

[Sam Morril]

That'S been on for a week?

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

You just want to shut it down.

[Mark Normand]

Put the sleep on.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, God.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, boy.

[Mark Normand]

Tick tock. I threw it up on Tick Tock.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah. My guy does the tick tocks. I hate tick tock, man.

[Mark Normand]

I don't even. I post and I get the hell out of there. I don't even watch it.

[Sam Morril]

I hate it.

[Mark Normand]

I will say, young people are really good with TikTok.

[Sam Morril]

That's why you got to do them all.

[Mark Normand]

I know, but my lady will be. Will be in Barcelona and I'm like, what should we do today? She's like, hold on. And she'll tick tock it. And it's like, top 10 things and they're all great.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

So, yeah, TikTok is good. Young people know how to work it. I'm. I'm too old and gay. Oh, don't pull up. Stamos. I'm so glad you were there, Peters, because you got to see, you know, what the hell we're talking about.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. You got to see how the sausage is made. Not a. Not a. Not as fun as it sounds. Yeah, I guess watching the sausage get made doesn't sound that fun. Strange expression.

[Mark Normand]

That is true.

[Sam Morril]

Damn. I've been rewatching some Bourdain before bed, too.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I love it.

[Sam Morril]

Great. Great before bed show.

[Mark Normand]

Great to just have on. That's like my go to. To have on while I'm fucking with a Roomba.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Love a Roomba. Yeah. Any. Any peeves?

[Mark Normand]

Well, let's see. I had the one about the. The din law dad doing, like, the pipes are a little off here. Oh, that's. That's shaky. So I had to, like, go through the house with him, and he was taking notes that I had a guy.

[Sam Morril]

Do that in my place recently. It drove me nuts.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Where he was just kind of dissecting what's wrong with each room. And I was like. It was like, my friend' I don't even know you.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

Saying.

[Mark Normand]

And he goes, you writing this down? I was like, yeah, yeah. And then after a while he's like, you getting all this? And I'm thinking my head, like, once you leave, I'm never going to think about this again. Like, I know this is the biggest thing in your world right now, but I'm never going to fix anything.

[Sam Morril]

That's the hard thing is understanding people's love languages where you're like, well, this is not. He probably thinks he's being really helpful.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And that's how he's showing affection to you as you're like, this is what you need. But you're like, no, this is just another annoying.

[Mark Normand]

I know. What is. What is your love language? Because I don't even know if I have one.

[Sam Morril]

Probably food and experiences and stuff, like, all, like, yeah, we'll get, like, good meals and stuff, like making sure you're like, oh, we should eat this at this place, or something. Or.

[Mark Normand]

But I think there's five of them to choose from, and you got to pick one.

[Sam Morril]

Well, that doesn't. If that's not there, I might not have a love language.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, I think we all have to have one, right? Give me the list of them, because.

[Sam Morril]

It'S my girlfriend buying me shit. And it. And it. You know, when you live in Manhattan, people giving you gifts begins to get annoying because there's a lack of space.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, exactly. But that's her love language to you. Or that's how she feel. Like, how does she feel? Loved.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, there we go. Words of affirmation, compliments, and other ways to express.

[Sam Morril]

See, that's funny that. That's because I've dated girls who are like, well, you're all talk.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Sam Morril]

Some people say, oh, wow, I feel loved. But that does. At a certain point, you can't be like, you're beautiful, baby. They're like, shut up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Okay. Quality time spending time together. I think a lot of ladies have that one.

[Sam Morril]

Prioritizing eye contact and active listening. That's a tough one. Tough because some of you ladies are gabbers.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And I can listen to a certain point. But I'll tell you this. I have friends going on dates all the time still. And I have a friend go, I went on a date with. You know, they don't ask you a thing about you. Yeah, it's weird.

[Mark Normand]

That happens.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe that's young people. I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

That's a type.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe he's just picking out vapid people.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

Physical touch. Intimacy and acts of affection like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. I feel like that's probably a lot of people's. Yeah, that's my penis's love language.

[Mark Normand]

Well, my friend has that. He's a big, tough guy. But physical touch, he goes and gets massages and stuff just because he's. He's like, I feel lonely. Not even because I want to feel massaged. I just want to be touched.

[Sam Morril]

Interesting.

[Mark Normand]

Which I don't have that at all.

[Sam Morril]

You shouldn't tell that to the masseuse. Yeah, I'm lonely and sad.

[Mark Normand]

Touch me. It's my love. Language. Acts of service. Doing things to make you proud.

[Sam Morril]

That's big chores, cooking. Well, that's like the show me, don't tell me.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

So that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. Like I'm going to do this for you. Or instead said I did this for you.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. Receiving gifts. We already discussed. That's not it. So which one of you you think probably doing?

[Sam Morril]

I would probably. I don't. I'm not great with chores. I'll be honest. I'm a slob. But it's my place. Probably physical touch.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

Like that's what I do for them.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Sam Morril]

I'll eat your pussy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, sure.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. No, I don't know. Yeah. Physical touch. Acts of service. Probably Quality time. I think those are like a little bit of each. Probably. How about you?

[Mark Normand]

I'm probably service all the way. Time. I don't want to hang out. Words of affirmation. I'll talk.

[Sam Morril]

I'll be in the room with you. But I do have my noise canceling headphones on. I'm trying to work a lot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Watching like some shitty show I don't want to watch.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

And I just put on the headphones and I just Playing jazz and I'm just trying to read articles and trying to write usually.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if that's quality to.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we're in the room. I'm. I'm trying to. I want to be around, but I just Patrisse said that great bit. Yeah, we want you around, but we don't want you.

[Mark Normand]

We don't want you there or whatever that is.

[Sam Morril]

I think how a lot of comics feel.

[Mark Normand]

I 100%. Yeah. I posted a clip today and it's blowing up. It's going viral about how like men don't want to do anything. You know, women are like, we want to go to brunch and apple picking and men, we don't want to do it. And women are always like, men are horrible planners. I'm like, well, we just don't want to do that.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

So now you want me to plan a thing I don't even want to do. Do you know, like, if I want to go to the Super Bowl, I'll make a plan. I'll get there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it is fun, like finding common interest and just doing that. Otherwise it's like, well, then I'm doing you a Favor.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And paying, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Exactly. Dude, I, I mean, I've dated a lot of women who don't like sports, so I'd be, like, buying both tickets to the game, and they'd be miserable the whole time. Like, I could have just brought my friend who would have loved this.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. And I have a way better time.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I'm like, we could do other stuff that you like.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Then sometimes there are people out there, they don't have a lot of interests.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Just don't like anything.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I've dated people. I'm like, what do you like? And they're like, I don't know. Like, what. How do you live that way?

[Mark Normand]

I know. Aren't you curious? Like, nothing grabs your. No movie, no music, no food, no geography, no trips, Nothing.

[Sam Morril]

Nothing.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

But, you know, you make a good point. Like, apple picking is like. That's, like, That's a corny suggestion.

[Mark Normand]

Corny. I mean, I'm generalizing and throwing out a cliche, just, Just for argument's sake. But, yeah, there's a lot of, like, jazz brunch or the. Doing a pumpkin patch in the park. I'm like, ah.

[Sam Morril]

You go, I think I've seen this clip of you before where you're. Where you. It's, like, on a podcast.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Cause it's. I've seen this. And you're, like, annoyed, and you're like, I get home at a.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. That's it. That's.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Dude, I relate to this so much, too. I mean, especially as comics where you're like, you don't want to get up. I'd have, like, you know, my parents would be like, your sister's having a dinner Sunday at.

[Mark Normand]

Cool.

[Sam Morril]

I'm landing Sunday at 4. 4:13.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You're just like, fucking kill me.

[Mark Normand]

I know. And then they're like, oh, you're. You're lazy. And I'm like, no, no, I'll. I just got back from the road. I've just worked my ass off. I did five hours of comedy over three nights.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, dude. I, I, I don't know if people understand how tired you get from that shit. Like, I, I went to see a wrestling match the other day at msg.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And I don't know how these pro wrestlers do it, man. Because they're doing what we do while working out. Yes. And fighting.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. It's all physical.

[Sam Morril]

I know it's not like real fighting, but, like, they're taking it. They're taking crazy hits.

[Mark Normand]

They're flipping over and jumping off the ropes. Yeah, it's. It's a lot of work.

[Sam Morril]

I'm. I'm like, I can't operate the next day after, like, eating Chinese. These guys are doing, like, back flips.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

And then some of them, the lower level ones, are driving to the thing. Oh, not even, like, on the charter plane or.

[Mark Normand]

Brutal.

[Sam Morril]

Some of them not even flying commercial. Like, they're not making up. I saw a video of the Rock and he was explaining, like, you know, I make 150 grand a year, which, like, it's good money, you know, But I was wrestling 200 days a year. Wow, that's. So you're not making even a thousand a night when your body's taking that kind of punishment.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Do they cover medical?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Because imagine those checkups. That's got to add up. Plus the pills.

[Sam Morril]

I know. That's what I'm thinking. That's how they all get. That's people, like, they die young from steroids. I'm like, I bet a lot of it's drugs.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like painkillers, muscle relaxers, definitely. Especially some of these guys get older and they're seeing still, like, Ric Flair will still. Like, not now, but, like, even a few years ago. You're like that. That dude's fucking old.

[Mark Normand]

I know. And he still drinks like a maniac.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

It's kind of impressive.

[Sam Morril]

They provide insurance for wrestlers.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Limited to injuries that occur in the ring.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, damn. Well, that's fair, I guess. Where else you're gonna get an injury?

[Sam Morril]

Bar fight?

[Mark Normand]

Bar fight. Or they gym, maybe if they go too hard.

[Sam Morril]

Some wrestlers have expressed their frustration with the limited nature of WWE's health insurance. Maven, the first winner of WWE Tough Enough, said that he doesn't believe WWE would cover injuries that occur outside the ring. He also said he finds it crazy that wrestlers don't have a larger health insurance policy to cover the risks and pain they endure. I mean, you do see them doing some crazy shit.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy shit. And if I was a doctor, I'd use that. Like, oh, you want health care? You're not tough enough, you wuss.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe the next CEO shooter will be a pro wrestler.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

It's also weird. It's never like an old per. Like, I know this is new, but, like, if you're like an old person, you're like Bacala in that episode Oxygen. You're not getting covered. You're spending the last couple weeks of your life being on hold, doing paperwork, not getting that's the person you expect to kill a CEO.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, true.

[Sam Morril]

One last ride. He's like, I'm dying. Anyway. Who gives? I don't even need a silencer.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, hit him with a folding chair. That's how you know it was a wrestler. Damn. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, we got it made. And it's not even the physical labor, like the whole like, getting, landing. I would do a thing where I would land at 5 and my ex girlfriend would be like, when do you land? And I would go, 8:30. And she'd be like, okay, well I'll come over for nine. And I was like, all right, good. I'll land at 5. I'll get home by 5:30. I'll have a couple hours to decompress. And it wasn't even that I. I was like spent from the weekend. It was just like, I gotta be. I need a minute. I don't wanna just land a plane, just hang out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Especially if it's some boring activity.

[Sam Morril]

You need a little bit of isolation to come up with jokes too. And you don't wanna be inconsiderate. When you're talking to someone, you wanna give yourself to them, but you have to also know your limitations.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

I remember Louis once said to me, like, great jokes are written in the abyss. You need the loneliness, you need the isolation.

[Mark Normand]

So true.

[Sam Morril]

And there's a part of me like, oh my God, I' I get to bring friends on the road with me now. Like, it's an incredible life, but when I was a young headliner and you know, you're making not a lot of money, but it's your show, you're just in that part. It is kind of cool that you're just on your own.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. That's when the brain can really go nuts and go into weird places.

[Sam Morril]

You're in a random coffee shop in like Tacoma.

[Mark Normand]

Yep, yep.

[Sam Morril]

And you're just thinking jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

And when you're with your friends, there's a lot. Not small talk with your real friends, but you want to make sure you're not in too much of a routine.

[Mark Normand]

Like, yes, you're hanging out.

[Sam Morril]

That isolation is, it is good. Like, think about how hard it is when you, you know, for most people, for most of us to go out without headphones. To go out without just not looking at your phone.

[Mark Normand]

Possible.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, I got bumped by a guy today, noise canceling headphones, sunglasses and on his phone. And it's like, there's so much he's blocking.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, true.

[Sam Morril]

And that's a lot of people.

[Mark Normand]

That's. Yeah, I'm guilty of that too.

[Sam Morril]

Me too. We all are.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I put. I walk out the door, the headphones go in, and it's. It's kind of sad that I need. But that's also New York. I wonder, you know, because New York has a lot coming at you, but.

[Sam Morril]

If you're focused and you're in your car, you got something playing.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

I think it's. You wanted that thing went viral about the, like, raw dogging on the flight.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But there's. You see someone just doing that. It's crazy to be that.

[Mark Normand]

It's weird that. That's impressive.

[Sam Morril]

Now I know people will go to like, you know, a monastery.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Or these silent retreats. And I'm like, that's. It does take willpower, man.

[Mark Normand]

It's so sad. It's true. I was walking around my house today and I realized, oh, I've been walking around for like 30 minutes without a pod going. And I'm usually in my home, I'm like folding laundry with a podcast going. You know? And it's sad that I used to just. In the 90s, I would just fold laundry.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Isn't that weird?

[Sam Morril]

It is weird, but I think it was different. Yeah. But also, sometimes, look, there's a fine line. Sometimes those podcasts are like educational. Listen to something. Like a history podcast.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Or something political or.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Or even just comedy. You want to hear like, you know, people bullshitting. But yeah, you need entertainment too. I'm just saying it is. It is weird where we are now, the reliance we have and can't. I don't know, it's. It's.

[Mark Normand]

It's great. Will you ever break down your day in high school? Like, think about high school. You'd wake up at 6:30 in the morning, whatever it was. You see your mom eat breakfast, you pack your books, you get your outfit on, you go to school, no headphone, no nothing. You see your friends, you bullshit with your friends. You go to class, you go to recess, you play physical activity. Then you go to gym, basketball, whatever it is. Then you leave. You go to track or whatever the hell sport. You play, play. Hanging out, socializing all day, no phone, no screen. Then you come home, you watch a little tv, do your homework and then go to bed.

[Sam Morril]

That was your screen time, the tv.

[Mark Normand]

That was it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. A spider man cartoon at three.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

Like. And your parents are like, you're getting dumb.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Screen. You're like, I only did 30 minutes.

[Mark Normand]

I know. And you crack a book for 10 minutes, you pretend to work, eat dinner, jack off, you Jack off, you go to bed. Like, that was your life. And I could never do that now. And that said, that was a normal American childhood.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And now I'm like, whoa, I gotta have a pod. Go on. I gotta have an iPhone. I gotta have an Instagram.

[Sam Morril]

But everything's on this phone now, so, you know, you could miss a work thing if you're not. So part of you, like, feels guilty neglecting this device.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

And you also use other shit. Like. Like, there's. Where you have. Your work is also where you have your guilty pleasure.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

That's a dangerous combination. Yeah. It's literally like if you ate a meal, every meal you ate was at McDonald's. And you could eat other stuff there, too, but there's always a threat of French fries. They're just, like, right there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Right, Right.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

How are we gonna do it? How we gonna get by? We got a lot of life left.

[Sam Morril]

You just gotta force yourself to not look. Like, keep it in the other room every once in a while. There's windows. You don't have to look.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You go to the gym, you can. You know, you can bring. I went to the gym without my phone recently.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

It was out of battery, and I was like, yeah, fuck it. I'll just. Wow. And it was hard.

[Mark Normand]

It's hard. I'm impressed. It was really f. That is damn good. But I bet your brain went to some places. I bet you decompress some shit.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Sometimes you do. I don't know if I think I was just, like, on a treadmill. Like, this fucking sucks. I don't think I had anything that witty.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Yeah. Well, I think, like, you know, the wife's pregnant. Everywhere we go, she's getting free plane upgrades, she's getting free meals, she's getting free desserts. People love a pregnant lady. Give it. Here's my seat. Skip me in line. All this free shit. It's. I think it's because it's the last thing that's still natural that we do. Everything else is, like, Uber Eats and Netflix Streaming. It's all, like, easy Lasik surgery. Everything is, like, built to help you. And this is, like, the last thing you got to suffer through for nine months. It's gonna come out of your clam and ruin it. And it's gonna be painful, but you gotta do it. And I think that's part of why pregnancy is so impressive.

[Sam Morril]

That's a good point. The baby's gonna come out, though, and just go, wah.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

You're gonna hand it a phone. I'll be like, all right. Instead of the ted, it's gonna want the phone.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's. I think you're right, though. It is the last thing that we're really like, wow, that's, like, old. It is amazing to think that what people have been doing forever. Because I was thinking, like, you know, having babies forever, like, there was a period where babies often wouldn't make. They wouldn't last very long.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, true.

[Sam Morril]

You know, like, I think I took her out in the cold the other day when it was like, 15 degrees. How the fuck did Pugs survive, like, 200 years ago?

[Mark Normand]

I have.

[Sam Morril]

She's out there for two seconds, she's.

[Mark Normand]

Like, yeah, well, I don't know. If there were pugs back.

[Sam Morril]

They were like Chinese emperor dogs, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, is that right?

[Sam Morril]

They've been around forever, so I think about that all the time. Having babies back in the day.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, how many of Lincoln's kids died?

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Imagine if you just had a president now who's like. You're like, yeah, five of his kids are dead.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Be like, oh, man, this guy's a horrible father. But, yeah, it's true. Like, you think about, like, some wolf would just steal the kid out of your hand in a forest in the Middle Ages. Also, you know, you're not supposed to give babies water.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Isn't that weird? They can't handle water. Like, drowns them internally, so you got to give them breast milk or formula. This is the thing I had to learn. I would have just been like, hey, come on, you fucking idiot. You got to dehydrate, you know? And apparently that kills them.

[Sam Morril]

He drowned.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Smart. Water, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Baby intoxic. Water intoxication. Intoxication. Yeah. I mean, this is all stuff you got to learn. It's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. You watch? Do you have a lot of books?

[Mark Normand]

Books, podcasts? Yeah, I gotta. I gotta open those. But, yeah, it's just all kinds of, like, if I grew up in 1808 and I had a baby on a farm, I would be trying to get it to drink water, because I would think that would be healthy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So it's. It's wild that we survived anything. I think about that all the time.

[Sam Morril]

Correct. Crazy.

[Mark Normand]

How to keep your baby hydrated. Look at that. There's so much to learn. But then you think about all the retards that have had kids and pulled it off.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

And multiple kids, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. You're like, if we can't keep this thing alive.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, come on.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, so we'll be all right. And, yeah, call in if you have any kid advice. And. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What's the email again? We might be drunk pot at Gmail. Oh, yeah, we kind of stopped doing that. You have any kid advice? Send us some kid advice.

[Mark Normand]

Drop us a line. Tell us your baby horror story, and.

[Sam Morril]

Send some wrecks or peeves. We done that in a while. It's kind of fun to do that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Send a video in with something you like.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I like that. And, yeah, peeves are good. Sending some. Some peeves.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I got a peeve. Last peeve. And then we'll wrap this thing up.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

This is one thing my wife does. I'll do the whole, like, I'll be upstairs. I'm like, hey, can you bring me. You're on your way upstairs? She's like, yeah, I'm coming up. But I go, can you bring me the scissors? She's like, sure. Four minutes go by. I'm like, what's up with those scissors? And she's like, oh, I'm coming. I'm coming. Coming. Eight minutes go by. I'm like, I thought you said you were coming. What? You ever see these people who do the I'm coming, and then they don't do anything?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, My girlfriend in bed.

[Mark Normand]

I was waiting for that. But, yeah, I just. The. The I'm coming, and then they. They take like 20 more minutes.

[Sam Morril]

It drives me crazy. Just say, I'm saying I can't do it. Or say, can I do it in ten? I hate the. The false start. I'm coming. You didn't come.

[Mark Normand]

No, no. Be right there. There.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

No, you're not. It's right. You're not right there.

[Sam Morril]

I mean it. It's a huge peeve.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Drives me. Kids do that a lot. Coming. Don't worry, Mom. I'm coming. And then they don't show up. Ah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's a peeve.

[Mark Normand]

That's a pee.

[Sam Morril]

It's a good peeve.

[Mark Normand]

Very relatable.

[Sam Morril]

Say you can't do it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's 10 minutes. Be there in 10.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Morril]

All right. Well, I feel those are the good. When does this one come in out?

[Mark Normand]

We have no idea.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. What do you want to do?

[Mark Normand]

Well, we did talk about, what do you do for New Year's, by the way?

[Sam Morril]

I'm doing nothing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's Nice.

[Sam Morril]

How about you?

[Mark Normand]

I think I'm gonna do a dinner.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, okay. That's good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I was at the seller the other night, and Esty's like, you have to come for New Year's. I was like, I really just don't. I hate working New Year.

[Mark Normand]

Hate working New Year. And we. We've graduated, I think.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's. I think, like, thing. I. That was one of the first things to go. When you're a young comic, you're like, ah, it's extra money. It's good. Like, I had nothing planned. I don't shout out to any comic who's doing New Year's in a green room. Because I've done many. And it's not that bad.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's not bad.

[Sam Morril]

I love working, but, like, the crowds.

[Mark Normand]

Crowds are tough. You gotta get drunk. That's the only move.

[Sam Morril]

You're just not. They're there for you, but they're kind of not.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

They needed a thing to do.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

It's like A Weekend Times T10. That crowd that I just. I. Yeah, it's. I remember doing the three show nights on New Year's. Oh, I did that.

[Mark Normand]

Did that at Chicago. Zany's. Did that at Grand Rapids.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I did one in Spokane once. That was rough. I remember there was just a table of a ton of people, and I was like, man, you guys fucking hate me. And this guy's like, I'm sorry. I'm a fan. I'm like, oh. And you let them all down with your.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He talked seven of his friends into going, and they were like, this is not.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's the worst.

[Sam Morril]

And that's a lot of the things you get on New Year. The thing to do.

[Mark Normand]

I know, it's a horrible idea. I mean, look, go to shows, do whatever you want to do, but if you're an audience member and you go to a comic club for New Year's, you have to sit and listen.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

So it's not a great idea if you want to party.

[Sam Morril]

The big drinking night. Because it is like, a lot of people think it's like, it's my last hurrah.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

I'll be good the next day.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

It is funny how many of us just start the New year, though, feeling like death.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

I love not having a couple drinks on New Year's and not going. I'll make a couple cocktails, something.

[Mark Normand]

You ever done Dry January?

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know if I can do it.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Physically can't do it. Isn't that sad?

[Sam Morril]

I've been drinking. Some people give me shit. The Cellar the other night. Because I'm just used to having a drink there. So I asked the waitress, like, what's, like a good, healthy. And we're like. She's like, if you do this, I'm like, all right, I'll get this, like, you know, chicken on a salad. And then I go. And a Negroni. And people just laughed. I was like, I'm doing this so I can have the drink.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

So I don't feel as guilty, you.

[Mark Normand]

Know, Also, I get the joke. But one is fat and one is not fat. Like, the drink is. Is booze. 1. The food is fattening. Yeah. So they are a little different, but I get. I get the joke.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right, folks. Well, happy New Year, I guess.

[Sam Morril]

I guess.

[Mark Normand]

All right. This weekend.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And we got a bunch of dates coming up on the road. So when. So what day does this come out?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, baby. All right. I'm in Phoenix, and then Dallas. It's all sold out. But I'm worried because the baby, they always say it could come early. So the baby's like.

[Sam Morril]

I'm like, the scissors.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Then I'm in the Ryman. And then Asheville, North Carolina, making up a date. So there you go.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Nice. I'll be at Liberty Township, Ohio, warming up in some clubs. The. I don't know what date it is. It's. What is it? Yeah. The 9th through the 11th. Then I got Pittsburgh. Oh, no, maybe it's the 10th and the 11th. Pittsburgh. The 23rd through 25th. The improv. My last couple club dates. And then it's a couple clubs on the run, but it's mostly theaters. Doing Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, dc, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. It goes on and on. New Haven, Portsmouth. You'll go to my website. Toronto, Montreal. So many place I'm coming to. Yeah. You're scrolling like a motherfucker. You guys see every place? I'm basically coming to every city, and if it's not there, it'll be there in the late summer or fall.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Sam Morril]

And. Yeah. Punchup Live. Samorrel, Punchup Live. Marknormand for tickets or just go to our websites, but things. Cool.

[Mark Normand]

Is this the full set?

[Sam Morril]

I think it is.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, cool. All right.

[Sam Morril]

I think I just saw it on yours, too.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I just said whatever you sent me, I sent it right to Danny.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's just. It was kind of fun. Little behind the scenes. Look at our roast. Some jokes that got cut and. Yeah, we were, you know, figuring it out. It's kind of fun to see.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Behind the scenes.

[Mark Normand]

Look, maybe we should do a mashup of all the progress, seeing how we can get all the clips. Like the seller, this.

[Sam Morril]

Throw it on. We might be drunk.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Be fun.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah. Please. I started a sketch comedy group. What? We're filming and writing and producing sketches on YouTube. Get out of here. Lobster comedy.

[Sam Morril]

What's it called?

[Mark Normand]

No Lobsters. No lobsters.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

Not fancy, but fun. Oh, okay. Check it out.

[Sam Morril]

It's funny stuff.

[Mark Normand]

I had no idea you were in the sketch. I'm not an actor, but I like writing and directing. Wow. How about that, man?

[Sam Morril]

We should have. We should have had Ben Schwartz. Way in, man.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. No wonder you were pushing for him.

[Sam Morril]

They loved him, right? The people loved.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Cool guy.

[Mark Normand]

Cool dude. Nice guy. Good chicken. Chatting well.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Lake George. That's a fun one. And love you guys. Bye, Bodega Cat. We're making a lot of progress here, bodega catwisting.com and keep listening to the pod. Some great guests coming up. Yeah, we love you guys. Have a great and happy and healthy new year, and we'll see you soon.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'm doing dry January. Just cocaine. There you go. All right. Thanks, guys. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of fever wreck, you know, the beer juice.

[Sam Morril]

Close. I've had a little too much burping.

[Mark Normand]

And Norman's talking shit about the fucking punk. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like a Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling.

[Sam Morril]

Dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like.

[Mark Normand]

I remember her and I get down in the same way.

[Sam Morril]

We might Might be true.