Ep 219: Nick Swardson

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Might Be Drunk – Ep 219: Nick Swardson

Hosts: Sam Morril and Mark Normand
Guest: Nick Swardson
Release Date: February 17, 2025
Produced by: Gotham Production Studios, LLC

---

Introduction and Nick's Claustrophobia (00:00 - 01:14)

The episode kicks off with Nick Swardson joining hosts Sam Morril and Mark Normand. The conversation quickly delves into Nick's severe claustrophobia, particularly his aversion to elevators.

Nick Swardson (00:11): "It’s an issue. It’s the biggest issue in New York... I just don’t take elevators. I’m really claustrophobic."

Nick shares his struggles navigating New York’s high-rise buildings, emphasizing his preference for taking the stairs despite the daunting 16 flights.

Mark Normand (00:26): "This is... Must be a problem for you."

Comedy Legends: Chaplin vs. Keaton (01:14 - 03:54)

The discussion shifts to classic comedy icons Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton. Nick expresses his admiration for Chaplin, highlighting the physical comedy and stunts that made Chaplin a favorite.

Nick Swardson (04:00): "Chaplin was just a better comedian. He was just hilarious. He is one of my favorites."

Mark and Ari Mannis echo similar sentiments, comparing their favorite aspects of both comedians and debating their contributions to the silent film era.

Nick’s Early Comedy Days and Zach Galifianakis Stories (03:54 - 06:00)

Nick reminisces about his early days in comedy, sharing amusing anecdotes about living with Zach Galifianakis in New York during the late '90s. They recall spontaneous interactions with intimidating strangers, disarming them with unexpected friendliness.

Nick Swardson (02:10): "We would point to a guy... and just walk up to him and say, 'Hey, how you doing? You have a good Christmas?'"

He also touches on personal stories involving other comedians like Charlie Chaplin, further illustrating his deep roots in the comedy scene.

Comedic Mishaps: Elevator and Flight Stories (06:00 - 18:00)

Nick shares several harrowing yet humorous incidents related to his fear of elevators. From being stuck at the Ritz Hotel in Boston where he had to forcibly exit a stopped elevator, to a legendary story of being trapped for three and a half days—highlighting the absurdity and danger of elevator malfunctions.

Nick Swardson (11:04): "And I was like, jump. Jump."

He also recounts attempts to avoid drunk passengers in elevators and a memorable experience of stopping a commuter flight due to his anxiety.

Sam Morril (14:00): "I stopped a flight on a tarmac."

Opening for Comedy Legends and Industry Insights (18:00 - 35:00)

The conversation moves to Nick’s experiences opening for renowned comedians like Jay Moore, David Cross, Anthony Clark, and Janine Garofalo. He emphasizes the importance of supporting emerging talent, mentioning comedians like BJ Novak and Zach Galifianakis who benefited from his mentorship.

Nick Swardson (34:00): "They were all nice enough to bring me out on the road, which helped immensely."

Nick reflects on the camaraderie within the comedy community and the mutual support among comedians.

Almost in Tropic Thunder and The Zohan (35:00 - 42:00)

Nick recounts nearly landing roles in major Hollywood films such as "Tropic Thunder" and "The Zohan." Despite his initial enthusiasm, scheduling conflicts prevented his participation, leading to missed opportunities.

Nick Swardson (30:17): "And then I called Ben back and they were shooting at the exact same time."

He shares his admiration for these films and expresses regret over the timing that led to his exclusion.

Elevator Choices and Personal Growth (42:00 - 58:00)

Nick transitions to discussing his personal journey with alcohol. He narrates his experience living in Key West during COVID, indulging in daily drinking, and the eventual realization that led him to quit drinking altogether.

Nick Swardson (41:44): "I just don’t want to drink anymore. I’m over it."

He highlights the transformative period in Key West, where he simplified his lifestyle, sold his possessions, and embraced a more contented existence devoid of excessive drinking.

Police Encounters and Comedy’s Intersection with Daily Life (58:00 - 74:00)

Nick shares amusing yet intense stories about interactions with law enforcement. From a DUI encounter where his comedic responses impressed an officer, to his method of humorously navigating pull-overs.

Nick Swardson (66:50): "And I told it to him and he goes, 'That could work.'"

These anecdotes underscore the blend of his comedic talent with real-life experiences, illustrating how humor shapes his responses to stressful situations.

Touring Stories and Friendships in Comedy (74:00 - 90:00)

The episode continues with lively recounting of Nick’s touring experiences alongside Sam Morril and Mark Normand. He describes the camaraderie, mishaps, and humorous incidents that occur on the road, including interactions with other comedians like Andy Dick and Dana Carvey.

Nick Swardson (53:21): "We were all in a text thread... Norm took my idea for breakfast."

These stories highlight the strong bonds and shared humor among the comedy troupe, showcasing their collective journey through the comedy landscape.

Closing Remarks and Upcoming Tours (90:00 - End)

As the episode nears its end, the hosts and Nick discuss their upcoming tours and special events. They share plans for live shows, comedy specials, and the logistics of performing across various locations. Nick plugs his website and upcoming performances, emphasizing his readiness to continue engaging with fans and the comedy community.

Mark Normand (89:35): "I gotta go."

The episode wraps up with heartfelt goodbyes, celebrating the stories shared and the enduring friendships within the comedy circle.

---

Notable Quotes

• Nick Swardson (00:11): "I’m really claustrophobic. Keeps you thin."
• Nick Swardson (02:10): "We would point to a guy... and just walk up to him and say, 'Hey, how you doing? You have a good Christmas?'"
• Nick Swardson (11:04): "And I was like, jump. Jump."
• Nick Swardson (34:00): "They were all nice enough to bring me out on the road, which helped immensely."
• Sam Morril (14:00): "I stopped a flight on a tarmac."
• Nick Swardson (41:44): "I just don’t want to drink anymore. I’m over it."
• Nick Swardson (66:50): "And I told it to him and he goes, 'That could work.'"

Key Insights and Themes

• Personal Struggles: Nick’s battle with claustrophobia and overcoming alcoholism highlights the personal challenges faced by comedians.
• Comedy Community: The mutual support among comedians and the importance of mentoring emerging talent is a recurring theme.
• Humor in Adversity: Nick exemplifies how humor can be a coping mechanism in stressful and challenging situations.
• Career Reflections: Sharing near-misses and stories from the comedy circuit provides an insider’s view of the entertainment industry's dynamics.

Conclusion

Episode 219 of "We Might Be Drunk" offers an engaging blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and industry insights through the lens of Nick Swardson’s experiences. With rich storytelling and relatable content, the episode provides listeners with a deeper understanding of the life of a comedian, the bonds within the comedy community, and the resilience required to navigate personal and professional challenges.

---

For more episodes and updates, visit Gotham Production Studios, LLC.

Transcript

[Nick Swartzen]

Let me know when we start.

[Sam Morril]

We're started.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, you did? Oh, okay.

[Ari Mannis]

Hey. Hey.

[Nick Swartzen]

Hi. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So you walked up 16 flights to be here?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Claustrophobia.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it's claustrophobia.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Really claustrophobic.

[Ari Mannis]

Keeps you thin.

[Nick Swartzen]

It does. I'm really, really thin.

[Ari Mannis]

16 floors, folks.

[Nick Swartzen]

16 floors.

[Mark Normand]

This is.

[Sam Morril]

Must be a problem for you. I didn't know.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's an issue. It's a ma. It's the biggest issue in New York. Yeah, that's like the big. Everywhere else is easily accommodating, but, like, the buildings. The people are really weird about stairwells. And like. Like, the guy. The guy when I was like, oh, I'm gonna take the stairs. And he's like, 16 flights. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, okay, do you want. You want to just take the elevator? And I go, oh, no. That's the point. I just don't take elevators. I'm really claustrophobic. He's like, okay. And then. So you want to get let in the stairwell. Then how. Then you're gonna go up. It was like. Literally, people look at me like, it's just I'm an insane person, which it is insane. Walk. 16.

[Ari Mannis]

Sure.

[Nick Swartzen]

But, I mean, he'd. Like, the people can never wrap their head around it. They're just like, why don't you just take the elevator?

[Sam Morril]

This an issue?

[Nick Swartzen]

It's like, okay, why don't you just not do heroin?

[Ari Mannis]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

Is this hard in hotels? On the road?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, but I usually. You know, I'll call ahead. I'll make sure you know what I mean? I'll stay at basic hotels. I don't care.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, but does this hurt your career? Like, what if you're at the Netflix building?

[Nick Swartzen]

Really held it back. I was up for all the avatars. And the last thing was you had to take an underwater elevator.

[Sam Morril]

Mission Impossible 6. Dude, he was taking over for Tom Cruise.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, my God. Philadelphia.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I had to get on the AIDS elevator. No. Damn it.

[Ari Mannis]

Galifianakis has a similar thing.

[Nick Swartzen]

He does.

[Ari Mannis]

I don't think he can. I remember in Kings of Comedy or whatever that was called. Was it called he's white, but he took. He wouldn't take the elevator.

[Nick Swartzen]

I didn't know that. I know Zach really well.

[Ari Mannis]

Pull it up. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You have a new story about him in your. In your hour. It's hilarious.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah. I've got a lot of Zach stories. One of. There's one I didn't tell, but. So Zach and I used to live in New York back in the late 90s. And we would do this thing when we would. We couldn't afford to go home for Christmas. We would be stuck here for Christmas. And we would walk around and, you know, we're in our, like, early 20s and just unassuming, just dorky guys. And we would walk down the street and we would point to a guy, and it would have to be one of the most intimidating, just like thuggy mobster. Just anybody that just looked, like, intimidating. And we would be like, okay, you gotta go do it to that guy. And so then we would, me or Zach, whatever, would walk up to this person and in the thickest, like, Italian accent, walk up to him and go, hey, how you doing? You have a good Christmas? Okay? You have a good Christmas. We'd shake their hand and they would be so disarmed. It was so weird. And they'd be like, yeah, okay, you too. Just, it didn't matter who it was. Like, that guy. You got to get that guy.

[Ari Mannis]

That's fun stuff.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it was debauchery, just pure debauchery.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, they said in the old days, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton would dress up like hobos and see who'd get more money. That was their day.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's fucking insane.

[Sam Morril]

I thought they hated each other, though.

[Ari Mannis]

Pull it up.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, they didn't. They did that final movie Limelight together.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah, there you go.

[Nick Swartzen]

But I'm a big Chaplin fan. Huge.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm a big Keaton fan.

[Nick Swartzen]

Are you really?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I always debate that with people.

[Ari Mannis]

They're both great.

[Nick Swartzen]

They're both great. Yeah, they're both great.

[Sam Morril]

But Chaplin, the stunts are insane. Didn't Keaton break his neck on a stunt?

[Ari Mannis]

Yes, he did.

[Nick Swartzen]

Which one was it? Do you remember?

[Ari Mannis]

I think it was some. With a train where he hit like a bar. It was a bar over the train and he hit it and he broke his back. He fell backwards.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. His technical stunts were insane. Chapel, I just think, was a, like a better comedian. Just. Yes, physically. And just. He was just hilarious. He is one of my favorite. I was going to bring this up. So you're talking about movies earlier, Sam. One of my favorite movies, which is a deep cut on Chaplin, is called the Circus. And it's one of his feature length films. And he does a bit where he's on a type rope and they just. They just unleash like these spider monkeys on him. And so he's on this type rope and he's got these monkeys and, you know, they have no idea what the monkeys are gonna do.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So they're crawling all over him and, like, biting his nose.

[Ari Mannis]

What?

[Nick Swartzen]

And he's in character and he's so committed. And he's also on a fucking type rope.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And so. But he's got these monkeys. Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

And Jimmy Fallon can't go through a scene without breaking. Come on.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, this is.

[Ari Mannis]

I can see the wire.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that, like, that's easy.

[Ari Mannis]

Right, right.

[Nick Swartzen]

I mean, obviously, I'm sure that's.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, monkeys. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Ari Mannis]

What a premise. This is like a squid game more than a comedy movie.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. So they just. No idea what these.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, my God.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's favor thing.

[Ari Mannis]

What a badass.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

How scary that would be.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. You have no idea.

[Ari Mannis]

This is pre. The monkey ripping the lady's face off in the 90s.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Did you watch that dog?

[Ari Mannis]

No, I couldn't do it.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, they're gonna bite his dick, aren't they?

[Nick Swartzen]

They eat him out. Yeah, but how amazing is that?

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. That's crazy. Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Keaton can't do that.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, come on.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, he's. He's great.

[Ari Mannis]

He's funnier, though. But Keaton's more. Maybe more impressive physically.

[Nick Swartzen]

You stunt. Why is.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

The technical stunts. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Wreck by the. From this era, Dana Ghoul turned me onto a great book called Frame up about Fatty Arbuckle. It's insane.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, wow.

[Sam Morril]

Really framed. It's incredible.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, I wanna. Yeah, I'd love to read that.

[Sam Morril]

It's so cool.

[Nick Swartzen]

I know Chris Farley really wanted to play Fatty Arbuckle in a biopic.

[Sam Morril]

It would have been so cool.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, he was like, obsessed with it. He really want that to be like a turning point for him. So that would have been really badass.

[Ari Mannis]

Yep.

[Nick Swartzen]

But the monkey thing you were talking about, so I remember I was going to do a bit about it, but there was. There was another monkey story. That's the white about. That's one where he broke his neck.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Hold on. And spray.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. I remember that.

[Ari Mannis]

The water pressure falling on the train tracks, by the way.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's got it.

[Sam Morril]

He just broke his neck and he. Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

And he got right up. What an animal. No workers comp. No benefits.

[Nick Swartzen]

Nope.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. Sorry.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, that's fine, Mark, it's fine.

[Ari Mannis]

Monkey.

[Nick Swartzen]

Monkeys. No. So there was.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, sorry. I heard it got jizz on the brain.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's all right.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's just on the brain. Yeah. No, there was a story that I was obsessed with about a guy. It was a couple that Had a monkey. And I guess it was in a kennel. I'm loosely paraphrasing, but I guess they went and brought the monkey a birthday cake. It was a monkey's birthday and they brought the monkey a birthday cake. And this is what was told. Another monkey, they said, got jealous that the other monkey got a birthday cake.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then attacked the guy holding the cake and then did what monkeys do, instinctively. Ripped off his genitals, bit off his fingers and his nose. I guess that's their go to. Right, Their go to thing.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. So, like, that's what he did to this guy. And it's all because he brought the monkey a birthday cake, which. Whoa. Yeah. You've got. I don't know. There's so many layers to that of like. I don't know why you would bring a monkey birthday cake.

[Ari Mannis]

Right.

[Nick Swartzen]

Is the monkey. Other monkey, really jealous? I don't know how they know that.

[Ari Mannis]

And you think he'd attack the other monkey, not the guy who brought the cake?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, well, the monkey didn't do anything.

[Ari Mannis]

It was just his birthday, I guess.

[Sam Morril]

So the guy who did the thing, you know.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's also fire. So the monkey's gonna panic about that.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, right. Fire.

[Nick Swartzen]

But here's the thing. The monkey, did he blow out the candles and made a wish.

[Ari Mannis]

No way.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's how they knew. They found the wish. And the wish was to fucking eat a nose and dick sandwich.

[Ari Mannis]

There was a lot more monkey comedy. I think that's gone by the wayside. Maybe with PETA, we had, like.

[Sam Morril]

Well, the Alanis thing. There was that movie with Alan Cumming and he. And then that. That's what the doc is about. The woman took that monkey and kidnapped that monkey.

[Nick Swartzen]

What?

[Sam Morril]

The monkey's, like, getting old. Alan Cumming was, like, part of trying to find this monkey because he bonded with the monkey.

[Ari Mannis]

What?

[Sam Morril]

It's crazy. It's a crazy story.

[Ari Mannis]

I just thought he was a whole doc about it.

[Sam Morril]

It's crazy. What's it called? It's monkey something. It's on Max.

[Ari Mannis]

Chimp Empire, shim Crazy. It's like the tiger king for this woman.

[Sam Morril]

You're gonna hate this woman. She's insane.

[Nick Swartzen]

I already do. I don't even need to watch it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, what? What's the guy.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, there you go.

[Nick Swartzen]

He's really branching out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

This guy's blonde.

[Ari Mannis]

White trash. We will love animals.

[Nick Swartzen]

Hamster haywire. Wow. It's getting crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Gerbil NATO.

[Nick Swartzen]

Gerbil NATO.

[Ari Mannis]

Gerbil NATO.

[Nick Swartzen]

With Richard Gere oh, too soon, man. God, Mark, you really jumped on that 188. You're not afraid.

[Ari Mannis]

By the way, his career has never been the same. That really hurt his career, right?

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't think that's true, Mark.

[Sam Morril]

He's doing all right.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, name me one Richard Gere movie in the last 10 years.

[Sam Morril]

I think the gerbil thing was out there for a while, though.

[Nick Swartzen]

Clearly it still is.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm telling you.

[Nick Swartzen]

You guys on Mark's brain 24 7.

[Ari Mannis]

You all got the reference.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, we did. Immediately.

[Ari Mannis]

Who?

[Sam Morril]

That guy can't go. That guy can't just walk into a pet. Go and look at.

[Ari Mannis]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

You can't.

[Ari Mannis]

No, nothing.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, if I were him, I would do that. I would just double down, triple down. I would be like one of those Pied pipers, like gerbils, just constantly just rubbing in people's faces and just cut.

[Ari Mannis]

A hole in your pants just to trick people.

[Sam Morril]

You know what he said he's moving to Spain maybe.

[Ari Mannis]

Aha. That's durable country.

[Sam Morril]

Know about they don't know about.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, exactly. It's like Woody Allen going to London.

[Sam Morril]

Look at the autofill.

[Nick Swartzen]

I just typed Richard, gear, space, bar. And then the first thing.

[Sam Morril]

First, first.

[Ari Mannis]

Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

You know his wife is jealous.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Was before me.

[Nick Swartzen]

His wife in her inner gerbil suit. Just look at that giant tube. Good God.

[Ari Mannis]

I've looked into this. I think you have to declaw them if you're gonna do that. Yeah. Because they'll just tear you up from the inside.

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't think you have to look into that to figure that out.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, I've been An amateur. Would just get a gerbil and he'd be done with it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Damn amateurs.

[Ari Mannis]

A pro.

[Sam Morril]

That's a sad Reddit thread. You.

[Nick Swartzen]

Good God. The gerbil people who was. Wants any part of anal claws.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Nick Swartzen]

I like that. Now I'm hard. Now I'm hard. Oh, my God.

[Ari Mannis]

Gerbil. Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So, yeah. Elevators I fucking hate.

[Sam Morril]

That's crazy. Has anyone ever been, like, not understood it? Been like, what the fuck?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Nonstop. Yeah, it's like. It's amazing. I don't understand why they have a stop button on an elevator. Do you know why? I don't know why I'm actually asking that.

[Ari Mannis]

We got the Google bucks.

[Nick Swartzen]

Why the fuck. Why would you want to stop an elevator?

[Ari Mannis]

Maybe a berth.

[Sam Morril]

I feel they only.

[Nick Swartzen]

You know. I think you'd want to expedite that.

[Ari Mannis]

It's a good point.

[Sam Morril]

It's always in like a. In Like a movie, like Speed or Heat or something. Like, we got to get out early.

[Ari Mannis]

You know, something like, oh, the cops need it.

[Nick Swartzen]

I feel like it's only used for illegal things. Yeah. Like, we got to circumvent the law.

[Ari Mannis]

Hold the elevator in case of a critical situation, allowing passengers safely. But why wouldn't you exit safely on the floor?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, why wouldn't you want to get out? Well, you know, this is a true story that happened to me. So really, really high end hotels, which I don't stay at. I like staying at, like, Marriott's. Me too, but really high. Not hotels. They're. They're fucking impossible. Stairs. They're, like, all locked down. It's super difficult. So I was filming a movie in Boston, and they put me up at the Ritz Hotel. And I was like, I don't need that. I go, I can just stay at, you know, the Marriott. And they're like. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine. So I acquiesced.

[Ari Mannis]

Yep.

[Nick Swartzen]

But we stayed there, and my friend Jake Alvin was with me, and we had to take the elevator, and we're going down from my floor, and all of a sudden just goes and stops.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, God.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I'm not embellishing this on a fucking dime. He goes, dude, don't freak. Freak out. I grab the doors and I fucking rip them open. And I'm not joking. And it was halfway to the lobby and I'm screaming. It was like out of a Keanu Reeves movie. I'm like, jump. Jump. Jay's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, jump.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Nick Swartzen]

And he fucking dive. Rolled into the lobby.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then I dive rolled into the lobby, and I was, like, shaking. And he was like, what the fuck just happened? And I'm like, I have no idea. I have no idea what happened.

[Ari Mannis]

You got, like, mom's drink.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. It was, like, surreal when you hear stories like that. It really happened to me.

[Sam Morril]

It happened once in a. In a Tacoma. You would have freaked out. I was with my buddy Gary Veder in a Tacoma elevator. And it's like 12 drunk people on the elevator, and they're like, jumping up and down.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, what is that?

[Sam Morril]

And we're like. And Gary and I were like, what the fuck? And then the elevator got stuck, and we're. And it was Gary, and I ripped the fucking thing open. And we're, like, yelling at these drunk. I did have a vision of, like, me after you gave me your bags to take up in the elevator. I was like, fuck. Something's gonna happen.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I always think that when I do it, it's gonna happen. You know what I mean?

[Ari Mannis]

Right.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's why I'm like. And. And your elevator doors are the ones that are like a tomb.

[Ari Mannis]

Uh huh.

[Nick Swartzen]

They just are like, right? And then you're in there for life.

[Sam Morril]

Are you looking at bad elevator things here?

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, God.

[Ari Mannis]

How hard was it to pull them open?

[Nick Swartzen]

You want to pull up? My fucking dad dying too. Jesus Christ.

[Sam Morril]

Are you weird on flights or just elevators?

[Nick Swartzen]

I had a problem on flights. I had to get over it.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, that bathroom is tiny.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, well, I was like, I've stopped flights before. I stopped a flight on a tarmac. What? It was? Yeah, it was a commuter flight. Flew into Minneapolis. I just pop over to Michigan, do a college. And I'm sitting there in the window seat. It was a tiny plane and this large man sits next to me and I'm kind of like against the window and I start hyperventilating and I just, literally, I just go, stop, stop taxiing off the gate. And I go, no. And the store's like, what do you mean? And I go off, I got to get off. And she was like, are you sure? And I'm like, yep, I'm out of here. And they had a taxi back. Plane was livid. And I felt really bad for the big dude next to me. They just knew that it was him just like gerbling me into the fucking decline Me into the window.

[Ari Mannis]

Right, right. Yeah, but that's got to suck to be so fat you trigger someone's pho.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, totally.

[Ari Mannis]

That's a bummer.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Poor guy, man. He's probably dead.

[Ari Mannis]

I want to try pulling the doors open. How hard is that?

[Sam Morril]

It's not that hard.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

Well, I think the fear has to. That's the impetus to really.

[Ari Mannis]

I wonder if the gerbil did that with the.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, dove out.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, I would want to.

[Nick Swartzen]

That. That so tight.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, you know it. Because you gotta squeeze to keep him in. Yeah, because he's gonna be trying to burrow out of there. Just survival instinct.

[Sam Morril]

They were not able to squash that.

[Nick Swartzen]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

How do you not squash?

[Ari Mannis]

Well, it was pre Internet, so word of mouth, you can't squash, I guess.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's true.

[Sam Morril]

The other one was Jamie Lee Curtis from Aphrodite.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yes, that was another one.

[Ari Mannis]

Then there was Richard Gere drinking the cum.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, I didn't hear that.

[Ari Mannis]

Rod Stewart.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm obsessed with gear on gear.

[Sam Morril]

This guy's really.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, we'd love to have you on, Rich. Come on in.

[Sam Morril]

Also, the Richard Gear. The baby. At some point.

[Ari Mannis]

I heard that, too.

[Nick Swartzen]

Mark's like, richard Gear orchestrated nine. Insane. This guy.

[Ari Mannis]

I heard each troll started the fires in la.

[Nick Swartzen]

My God. Gear. Dial it down a gear. Yeah, take it down a gear.

[Ari Mannis]

There we go.

[Nick Swartzen]

Richard.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm gearing up, Dick. Hey, is your house still alive?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yes.

[Ari Mannis]

All right.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thank God. Yes, it's still alive.

[Ari Mannis]

Sorry. Is your house un. Unburned?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. No, it's okay. But a lot of people.

[Sam Morril]

Have you been back since?

[Nick Swartzen]

No, I fly back tonight.

[Ari Mannis]

Scary.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thanks.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, just saying, your house is there. So you're good.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, I just won't get on a fiery elevator. I can't. I don't understand people. One of my friends, like, took me to some, like, rich dude's house for some afterbar.

[Ari Mannis]

Mm.

[Nick Swartzen]

And he had an elevator, and it was literally the size of a coffin.

[Ari Mannis]

Mmm.

[Nick Swartzen]

And they were, like, all thought it was hilarious and only fit, like, three people. And they all, like, piled in drunk, and it got stuck. And they were, like, stuck for 40 minutes.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I was like, other people are at the party. Like, what the hell? And they called the fire department. I was like, why would you even risk that?

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Some of those houses have. But it's always the shittiest elevator.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Fuck, yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Buried alive.

[Nick Swartzen]

Process that. Exactly. You're buried alive. There's one story that's the worst thing I've ever heard happened in New York. And you can look it up, and it's a real story about a fucking dude. Richard Gere. No. This guy got stuck in an elevator for three and a half days. Oh. And it's 100. The guy was on Oprah. Made national news. He left work on Friday in Manhattan. Left work on a holiday weekend.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then forgot his phone, went back up, and the elevator got stuck.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, my.

[Nick Swartzen]

And everybody had left for the weekend. He was there for three days.

[Ari Mannis]

What a nightmare.

[Nick Swartzen]

And they show a time lapse. He's trying to go to the bathroom. He's trying to, like, ring the bell. He's trying to get out of the roof.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

He was there for three days. He was like. Yeah, I know. I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what day it was or anything.

[Sam Morril]

It sucks. But it's not like a. It's not like that James Franco thing where he knows, arm off. It's not, like an inspiring story. It's shitty.

[Nick Swartzen]

Just shitty, right? Yeah. No, it's just terrible.

[Sam Morril]

It just sucked.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

In the corner.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God. This is it.

[Ari Mannis]

This poor guy. I would go up the ceiling.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I'm like, how was there not, like some kind of trap door? Don't they. They have to have them, don't they?

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Oh, man. And no phone. You can't look at Instagram or anything.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, there's no phone. He's on Tinder.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Right.

[Nick Swartzen]

There. Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Didn't open, but the floors are too wide.

[Nick Swartzen]

Three days.

[Ari Mannis]

Unbelievable.

[Nick Swartzen]

This isn't an hour, right? Or two hours. Three days. And he had a Snickers and a Gatorade in his backpack.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

So a. I guess that kept him kind of alive, but, like, I don't even know how you ration that.

[Ari Mannis]

Right. And you think, I'll be out in a few hours.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. So I'd have it immediately.

[Ari Mannis]

Probably same horrible Snickers commercial or.

[Nick Swartzen]

Or.

[Sam Morril]

Or Gatorade in the fetal position is the rough part.

[Ari Mannis]

Like, look at that poor guy.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Like, what do you do? Like, you have no idea what. Oh, my God. It's the worst.

[Ari Mannis]

They do this in prison. They put you in the box if you're bad.

[Sam Morril]

This was like Shawshank.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

You're in solitary.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, this poor guy.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Great way to get people to lose weight, though. Your wife puts on a few. You throw in an elevator. It's shut down.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Take the stairs.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God. Was that. Wait, so that's where someone found him at 40.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, I would blow that guy.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. I mean, you could sue for that, I assume.

[Nick Swartzen]

I mean, I was wondering. You can probably.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Look that up.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's insane.

[Ari Mannis]

That's emotional distress and damage. That's horrible.

[Sam Morril]

No one comes in on a weekend.

[Ari Mannis]

Right. And it's MLK that it would be.

[Nick Swartzen]

Great if he was in the fetal position. People came in and out. Drunk people came in.

[Ari Mannis]

Like that would happen in New York. You just step over them.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, totally.

[Ari Mannis]

Some homeless.

[Sam Morril]

You could potentially sue instead.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, come on.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, dude, that's.

[Sam Morril]

Oh. 40 hours. You said three days. 40 hours is awful. But it's not.

[Nick Swartzen]

Wait, 40 hours.

[Ari Mannis]

That's about two days almost.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, I thought, all right, that's not that bad. He was able to. I'm just kidding. $2 million.

[Ari Mannis]

2 mil.

[Nick Swartzen]

Okay.

[Ari Mannis]

Would you do it for 2 mil, 40 hours? If I gave you 2 mil right now to sit in that elevator for 40 hours, I would do it.

[Sam Morril]

I drug myself and just sleep.

[Ari Mannis]

That's true. But no phone. You gotta do it.

[Nick Swartzen]

You can't know that it's gonna happen, though. So at some point. So you could have diarrhea, Sam. Like, you do.

[Ari Mannis]

Good point.

[Nick Swartzen]

We all know.

[Ari Mannis]

So you'd be painting the walls.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. You can't prep for it.

[Ari Mannis]

Be a Pollock paint.

[Sam Morril]

I just. I pull my pants.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm like, you just spray the camera with your. Your turds.

[Nick Swartzen]

We did a movie, the Longest Yard. We filmed in Santa Fe, and it was home to one of the worst. I think it's the worst prison riot in US History.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Nick Swartzen]

And so Adam's partner paid his assistant to sleep overnight in a cell. Whoa. And he couldn't leave. And it was like, the most haunted, violent prison. And he spent an entire night in the cell.

[Ari Mannis]

That's terrible.

[Nick Swartzen]

And afterwards, I was like. And he couldn't have a flashlight. He couldn't have a phone. He couldn't have anything. And I go, what was that like? And he was like, I'm not doing that again. He gave him, like, a thousand bucks. And he was like, yeah, it was fucking hor. Like, I was, like, hearing shit. And it's like. He was just like. It was awful.

[Ari Mannis]

Geez, where's that memoir everybody's mad at Ellen? This guy's putting people in a cell for. For a day.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Ellen.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. Just saying. That's way worse.

[Nick Swartzen]

Was a prison, Mark. Their world was a prison.

[Ari Mannis]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

How is that movie? Is that a fun one?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that was fun. I was. I wasn't in it, but I was just writing during it.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That was a fun one. I like that one.

[Ari Mannis]

Chris Rock.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Tracy Morgan.

[Nick Swartzen]

Richard Gere as the gerbil. What if we. What if we pitch that remake of Leave it to Beaver? And it was Leave it to Gerbil. Richard Gere as the gerbil.

[Ari Mannis]

You know, they open up with that. That big circle that's just his asshole, and that's the gerbil coming out for the day. Hello, everybody.

[Nick Swartzen]

And it just pops out, blood everywhere.

[Ari Mannis]

It's kind of like the groundhog. It's gonna be three more years of.

[Nick Swartzen]

Winter or whatever Groundhog's.

[Ari Mannis]

There we go.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yep. It's a porno now. Now it's a porno.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, everything's a sequel anyway.

[Sam Morril]

No, his agent's getting calls. He's like, yeah, Richard's not doing gerbil projects. Touching that right now.

[Nick Swartzen]

I never thought I would spend this much time talking about the Richard Gear gerbil thing.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, this is why it's such a big, big news story, because it. It's got a lot of meat to the.

[Sam Morril]

Well, not everybody knows it. My mom just texted Me. She watched Primal Feel. What's primal? Why can't I speak?

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, my.

[Sam Morril]

I'm having a stroke. What the fuck? Yeah, my mom just text me. She watched Primal Fear. I got it.

[Ari Mannis]

There we go.

[Sam Morril]

And. And she was like, he's still so handsome. And I was like, oh, you don't know the gerbil.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's a phenomenal movie, though, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Ed Norton.

[Nick Swartzen]

Edward Norton's insane.

[Ari Mannis]

Incredible.

[Nick Swartzen]

You want to talk about if people haven't seen that, watch it just for Ed Norton, he beat. He was totally unknown and beat out like everybody in Hollywood for that part. He beat out like Matt Damon, all these people.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he was like. His first movie, I think.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it was incredible.

[Ari Mannis]

Not to. Not to keep it on. Richard Gere, but he used to fuck Robin Quivers.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Ari Mannis]

From Howard Stern and also fuck Mike Tyson. Is that right?

[Nick Swartzen]

Robin Givens.

[Ari Mannis]

She's got a lot of range. No, that's a different Quivers. Oh, she was hot.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, Robert Quivers from Howard Stern.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Oh, I think they used to date. And she said his penis was very disappointing. Imagine saying that on the biggest radio show of all time.

[Nick Swartzen]

What did it have teeth and fur? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Richard.

[Ari Mannis]

We're changing gears.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm sorry, Richard. We're switching gears.

[Sam Morril]

Look at Mark.

[Ari Mannis]

All right, well, she said she saw his dick somewhere. I don't know if she. Him, but she saw his. I remember listening as a youth being.

[Nick Swartzen]

So they dated and she just saw it. That's it. Yeah, I think an American Gigolo. I could bring it up if you like.

[Ari Mannis]

Please. All right. Okay. This is a gear heavy up.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I didn't date.

[Nick Swartzen]

We're gonna get. Not yet, dearest people. Not yet.

[Ari Mannis]

Come.

[Sam Morril]

Rebuttal, Rich.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. We'd love to have you on.

[Nick Swartzen]

By the way. I love you. A big fan, so.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, that's not. All right. He's got a. A normal wang here.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's de.

[Sam Morril]

Robin Quivers.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, he's got a buff.

[Sam Morril]

It's a weird pose, though.

[Ari Mannis]

Bad pose. Little. Little fruity. Yeah, it's not great, but good looking, man. Oh, there's a. It's winking at you there.

[Nick Swartzen]

Guy's a legend. The guy's a legend.

[Ari Mannis]

I got nowhere else to go. That's what his dick's saying right now. Keanu Reeves. Gay scene. Oh, man. How did I miss that movie?

[Nick Swartzen]

I was just gonna say probably also phenomenal movie.

[Sam Morril]

Great movie.

[Ari Mannis]

River Phoenix. Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

Great movie.

[Ari Mannis]

I'll check that out.

[Nick Swartzen]

Sam, you mentioned to me you guys talk about movies a lot.

[Sam Morril]

We do a lot of wrecks. Like, if you got a recommendation for the people.

[Ari Mannis]

That's fun.

[Sam Morril]

The gerbil said the same thing to it.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. That dick is really eyeballing me, please.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Do you have any. Do you have any wrecks?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yes, I do. One of my favorite movies.

[Ari Mannis]

Here we go.

[Nick Swartzen]

From the makers of Napoleon Dynamite. It's a movie called Gentlemen Broncos. You know? Do you know it? Phenomenal movie. Came out after Napoleon didn't really do anything at all, but it is so good. It's in the same vein of really dry, quirky humor, but it's Jennifer Coolidge, Jermaine Clement, Sam Rockwell, Michael Andrano. Phenomenal. Yep. Mike White.

[Ari Mannis]

He's great.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

It's got the same vibe, too.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's so good.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I'm excited.

[Ari Mannis]

I will check this out.

[Sam Morril]

I love Jermaine Clement, man.

[Nick Swartzen]

Jermaine's amazing. He's so good.

[Sam Morril]

Play The Concords was so funny.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, very funny.

[Nick Swartzen]

You'll love this movie.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, all right.

[Ari Mannis]

Kind of Wes Anderson meets Gummoe. That's how I would describe this.

[Sam Morril]

That person right there.

[Ari Mannis]

Maybe that's that kid.

[Nick Swartzen]

You're wrong. Yeah. You're just going off the kid.

[Ari Mannis]

Maybe I'm going off the kid. That's an ugly kid.

[Sam Morril]

What was. What was your most fun movie that you. You've been so many movies. What was the most fun one?

[Nick Swartzen]

Too many.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Probably Charlie Chaplin's the Circus when I was a monk. You were great.

[Sam Morril]

I.

[Nick Swartzen]

They're all so fun. They're all different. One of them, kind of a sleeper that nobody really saw was a movie called 30 Minutes or Less. And that was the director of Zombieland, and It's me, Danny McBride, Jesse Eisenberg, and Aziz Ansari.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

And that was a blast. Yeah, we just. We filmed in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and Madcap Coffee. It didn't do well because we had a backlash because there was an incident. That's a real thing. Where these couple. Aziz, man. That man. Hey, it's me. I'm Sean, the county seller. So there was a real incident about a couple that took this mentally challenged person and strapped a bomb around his neck and had him rob a bank.

[Ari Mannis]

Whoa.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then the bomb detonated and the guy died. So the writer used the premise of strapping a bomb to somebody to have them rob a bank. It's not based on what happens, but then people equated it to that to the movie. And, like, we were talking, like we were making out, like we were making fun of it, but we weren't. And it's a dark comedy. Sure, but the writer just used the. The premise of the bomb and somebody robbing a bank. But anyway, people were like, you guys are piece of shit. It's like, what the hell?

[Ari Mannis]

No, we didn't do anything.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, but it's also. We don't. It's not. It's not making fun of anything. But that's a. It's a great movie.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

Me and Danny McBride are the bad guy. Oh. He's one of the first times I've. I've been a bad guy.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. I'm down. Boy. That.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, you're down.

[Ari Mannis]

That Eisenberg's a talent. I mean, he's annoying and whatever, but he is. He can write. Him.

[Nick Swartzen]

What are you, his grandfather?

[Ari Mannis]

Well, did you see that?

[Nick Swartzen]

Eisenberg's a talent.

[Ari Mannis]

He's got something.

[Sam Morril]

I like this new movie.

[Ari Mannis]

Loved it.

[Nick Swartzen]

What is it?

[Sam Morril]

A real pain. His new movie.

[Nick Swartzen]

I haven't seen it yet.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, that's killer. Great, Great.

[Nick Swartzen]

I remember I was on a flight with Jesse, and he was reading a script. And I go. I go, oh, what are you reading? And he goes, it's the new Woody Allen movie. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? You have a fucking Woody Allen script on your lap right now? And he goes, yes. And I go, can I. Can I read it? And he goes, I'm not supposed to, you know. And I go, okay. I goes, how is it? And I just would, like, pick his brain. Jesse's awesome, by the way. He's one of my oldest friends.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And. But he was protective of it, obviously. But I was, like, so enamored. Let me switch gears here. Ooh, get it? No. So there's a movie coming out called 28 years later.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

Based on 28 days later, which was critically acclaimed. Also Danny Boyle. One of my favorite movies is 28 weeks later. The sequel today is that people don't talk about enough. The opening sequence to 28 weeks later I think is maybe the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.

[Ari Mannis]

Really?

[Nick Swartzen]

It's the opening. Don't you have to play it? It's the opening, like, 10, 12 minutes, and it is fucking horrific. I was so obsessed with it that when I would, like, have pre game parties at my house before we would go out, I would make people watch the first 10 minutes. What I saw, I was so obsessed with it. So people come over, like, all fired up, and I'd be like, you guys, oh, just wait. Oh. Before we Go on. Let's just. Just 10 minutes, real quick. Watch us. And it was just. And it was just. People were like, oh, wow. Oh, God. And it would just ruin the mood. And then we would go out scarier than special. Okay.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. Sorry. Cut that. Wait. I've never even seen 28 Days Later.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's really good. They're both great, but 28 Weeks is underrated.

[Sam Morril]

I heard somewhere that you almost were in Tropic Thunder but weren't out.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, several times.

[Sam Morril]

What happened?

[Nick Swartzen]

So Ben had called me about being in Tropic Thunder. So it was like his pet, like, favorite thing. And I was like, yeah, done.

[Sam Morril]

Which role was it?

[Nick Swartzen]

Jack Black's role.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh.

[Nick Swartzen]

And he wanted me to gain £100.

[Ari Mannis]

No stairs.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I have stairs made out of donuts, man. So I was like, okay. But I'm like, 100 pounds. He's like, you can do it. We'll figure it out. I'm like, okay. And then Sandler called me two days later and he goes, hey, I'm doing this movie, the Zohan, I want you to be in. I play my best friend in the movie. And I'm like, okay. And then I called Ben back and they shot at the exact same time. And then they were trying to. Ben's partner, Stewart, who has passed away, was one of my best friends and they were trying to find something for me. But they were shooting in Hawaii and we were shooting in New York and it just couldn't. Nothing could happen. And I loved the Zohan. It was really fun. But I love Tropic Thunder. So it was like. It was just the worst timing of both at the same time. I was like, fuck.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Jack Black killed it.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, Jack was amazing. I mean, he was way more right for the part. But I was just honored that Ben, you know, thought. Because I'd done Blades of Glory with.

[Ari Mannis]

Right.

[Nick Swartzen]

Which is one of my favorite movies. That's a good movie.

[Sam Morril]

You're the stalker.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, right. That's just a funny movie without me in it. So. That movie's hilarious.

[Ari Mannis]

How cool is that? Sandler calls you. I know you're used to it now. You've been doing it 700 years, but they call you. You can be in a movie. You got it made.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's pretty fun.

[Ari Mannis]

It's great. You shouldn't.

[Nick Swartzen]

Pretty fun.

[Ari Mannis]

Slough that off.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm not Mark.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm just saying.

[Nick Swartzen]

Anyway, I just said they were both great.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm just. What? Yeah. I want you to know how cool that is.

[Sam Morril]

What? Were there Any other ones you. They almost happened but didn't happen. That you're like, I don't know, Mark.

[Nick Swartzen]

Are there?

[Ari Mannis]

Well, Jesus, Grandma's boy was great.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thank you.

[Ari Mannis]

Classic.

[Nick Swartzen]

Wait, where are you asking? Sorry.

[Sam Morril]

Are there any others that couldn't, like, almost happen but didn't happen?

[Nick Swartzen]

No, there were ones. I was up for that. I was like, yeah, I did. This is true. I did. I got a call from my agent, and they go, hey, they want to. This is 100% true. I just remember this. They want to read you for Star Wars. And I go, And I go, what do you mean? And I. They go, they want to read you for Anakin.

[Ari Mannis]

What?

[Nick Swartzen]

And I go, who? Wait, they call it for me. Nick Swartzen. Nick Swartzen. My name. And they were like, yeah, they want to read you. And they go, they know who? Like, I'm a comedian. They're like, they don't care. They just. You have a good look for it. Blah, blah, blah.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I'm like, okay. And so I just went in and read Lucas and read for fucking Anakin. Who? The part went to Hayden Christensen.

[Ari Mannis]

What a hunk.

[Sam Morril]

But you read it in front of George Lucas?

[Nick Swartzen]

Not in front of George Lucas, no. I went to his office, like, the company, and, yeah. It was like, fucking. I was like. And I literally go, why am I here? And they go, well, you know, And I go, just. I. This. I go, I'm honored. This is, like, amazing.

[Ari Mannis]

Sure.

[Nick Swartzen]

But I got. You saw me on, like, Reno 91 1, and, like, maybe Vader would skate around space or something. Like, this doesn't make any sense. I'm never. This part.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

They just laughed, and I'm like, yeah, you never know.

[Ari Mannis]

I mean, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, they pulled off some serious roles.

[Sam Morril]

Serious role.

[Nick Swartzen]

You know, I could. But it's like, to be in that, Right. That, you know, Star wars universe. Yeah, I could definitely do it. I could fucking nail it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

You started in Minnesota?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, in St. Paul.

[Ari Mannis]

Was that tough? I mean, is there. Were there clubs and stuff there?

[Nick Swartzen]

I started in 1996.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

And they told me when I started that comedy was dead.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So, like, there were eight clubs at that time in the Twin Cities.

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Ari Mannis]

Whoa.

[Nick Swartzen]

Eight clubs coming off the 80s, like, the boom of the 80s. And when I was there, there were three, and then one of them was closing. So I remember the local comics were like, yeah, it's. Oh. Like, why are you even starting? They're like, it's done. Comedy's over.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So the people that started around that time are the people that really, like, really wanted to do stand up and believed in doing stand up. You know, like, we. I made no money. It was like sleeping in my car. Shit.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Driving across country. So, you know, then I moved to New York and, you know, that's when, like, everybody was Galifianakis and Jim Gaffigan, Kevin Hart. I mean, like, the lineups were, like, insane back then.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

And it was just all of us vying for, like, five minutes. Were any of the.

[Sam Morril]

Did any of the older headliners take you on the road or help you out?

[Nick Swartzen]

The people I opened for starting out were Jay Moore, David Cross, Anthony Clark and Janine Garofalo.

[Ari Mannis]

Hey. Star studded affair.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. So they were all nice enough to. Yeah. Bring me out on the road, which helped immensely. And then I, in turn, like, when I would find funny young people, I would make sure, you know, I would get them out and get them on the road and get them, like, good stage time.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, I remember, like, BJ Novak, I remember I saw him, brought him out to do shows. Dan Mintz, who's really funny.

[Ari Mannis]

Very funny.

[Nick Swartzen]

Zach Alfenakis did shows me. I'd open. He would open.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

Stuff like that, man. Yeah. I mean, I'll just find people, like, if I see a clip and I'm like, dm. I'm be like, dude, really funny. Yeah, that was funny because when we have a weird history, which is super funny. The gerbil farm. No, no. But before that, before I realize our history, I remember seeing clips of you on Instagram and I was like, oh, this guy's really funny. I'm like, who the fuck is he? And then, because it was funny because I've been doing stand up 30 years, I fucking know everybody. And I didn't know who you were, but you came off like you've been doing it for, like, 80 years. Like, you had this, like, energy of just like. Yeah, back at it again. Yeah. I used to fuck Joan Rivers.

[Ari Mannis]

That, like, type of like.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like old Catskill diarrhea. Just underwear. But it was just so funny just watching your stuff. Just. It's almost like you're a vampire.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, in a way, it's like your nose for auto. The Jewish vampire. The Jewish vampire. Nose for those.

[Ari Mannis]

For au.

[Sam Morril]

That's pretty good. That was good.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. So.

[Nick Swartzen]

So tell him. Does Mark not know the history?

[Sam Morril]

What is.

[Ari Mannis]

I didn't know what. Tell me. Lay it off.

[Nick Swartzen]

The college gig.

[Sam Morril]

No. You think I'm Distefano now?

[Nick Swartzen]

I thought we did back in the day.

[Sam Morril]

We did.

[Nick Swartzen]

I thought you wanted to tell me that you. You booked. Where'd you go to college?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, fuck. You're right. I forgot this part.

[Mark Normand]

Dude.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Nick Swartzen]

You fucking dick.

[Sam Morril]

Fucked up, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

Fuck you, man.

[Sam Morril]

I tried to book Nick at Tulane when I went there, and because I had. So I was doing stand up, and they wouldn't let me. Like, they were like, you can open for who we bring down. I was like, all right. They brought down dat fan.

[Ari Mannis]

Of course they did.

[Sam Morril]

And. And it went well. So they were like, okay, you're good enough to. I mean, my jokes suck, but they were college because they wanted to like me, and you can help bring people down. And I saw Nick's half hour, and I was like, you should bring Nick Swartzen down. And Nick, because of Katrina, cut a deal. He cut a deal. But I think they still couldn't afford him. So it was like. It just didn't. For time and whatever, it didn't work out. But then. But then Burr ended up coming down. That was cool. But Nick was. He wrote. He was, like, one of the only people to write me back. Hey, pretty cool.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, but then I came back for half the money.

[Sam Morril]

Did you?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Not when I was there, though. I think you came back later.

[Nick Swartzen]

You had left. But I came back because I felt bad about the Katrina thing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I had started it. Whoopsie.

[Sam Morril]

You and Richard Gere, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

But, yeah, so that we. Yeah, we did correspond.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

That's cool.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

That must be exciting text to get from him.

[Sam Morril]

I know. It's pumped. Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

But then Sam sent me a pick. Crispy beef the morning. Good God.

[Ari Mannis]

So wait, do you know Andy Dick?

[Nick Swartzen]

I do know Andy Dick.

[Ari Mannis]

Are you guys still partying?

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't. I haven't talked to him in a while, but I know Andy. Yeah. I have several Andy stories.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, well, I just. I just bring it up because he got punched out in New Orleans on Bourbon street. When this is years ago. It was all over tmz. Some guy knocked him out.

[Nick Swartzen]

Punched out. One story I just heard that he was in a bathroom with Wesley Snipes, and they were at the urinal, and Andy looked over at his penis and went like, oh, nice. And then Wesley punched him in the face.

[Ari Mannis]

What?

[Nick Swartzen]

That's what I heard. And I wasn't. I'm 100 believing it.

[Ari Mannis]

White men can't peak.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Poor Andy. I don't know how he's still. Bless his heart.

[Ari Mannis]

I respect that. I do the look over as well.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but you can't comment you can't comment. That's where the problem.

[Ari Mannis]

That's the problem.

[Sam Morril]

Look over is already invasive.

[Ari Mannis]

But when you rather hear nice than Oof, Poor guy.

[Sam Morril]

Either.

[Ari Mannis]

I'd take a nice. Yeah, but Got dick in his name.

[Nick Swartzen]

Andy's.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, he's bi, right?

[Nick Swartzen]

Andy said whatever Andy wants to be. Andy can I remember I opened for him at Irving Plaza, 1998, and it was Andy Dick's Circus of Freaks. So it was me, Todd Berry, Marilyn Rice Club. And so Andy was sober at the time. So he goes, okay, I'm gonna go out and do this. This bit, okay? And I go, okay. And he goes, then I'm gonna bring you out. And I go, okay, fine. So he goes out, goes on stage, starts doing stand up. And then he had the bit where he had a guy who played his sponsor. So he goes, I'm sober right now. It's great. Blah, blah, blah. And he goes, my sponsor Paul is here. So Paul comes up and he's wasted.

[Ari Mannis]

That's great.

[Nick Swartzen]

So it's a whole bit. So Paul. I witnessed this. So Paul backstage had pounded, like, five cans of clam chowder.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, no.

[Nick Swartzen]

So Paul comes on stage and he goes, oh, my God, Paul, you're drunk. And Paul's like, fuck you, Andy. And he's like, I don't know. Fuck. Fuck you. And then Paul does this reflex where he projectile vomits into Andy's face.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, man.

[Nick Swartzen]

So there's puke all over the fucking. Like, all over his face, all over the stage. Andy fucking just goes to the microphone. He just goes. Nick Swartzen walks off. And I'm like, the. Was that. Yeah, I'm walking past him, and he goes, sorry. Sorry about that. I'm like, all right.

[Ari Mannis]

I can see him doing that.

[Sam Morril]

It's not a good bit.

[Ari Mannis]

No. Not in a hot tub.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Like, at least give me one credit, right? Good God. Nobody even knew who I was. They're just like, all right.

[Ari Mannis]

Are you off the sauce?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Hey, how long?

[Nick Swartzen]

I. I did have some celebratory drinks after my special taping, but I haven't drank this whole tour. I haven't drank since August.

[Ari Mannis]

Holy. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

When I saw you in Texas, you look. I was like, it looks.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I didn't drink in Austin. Yeah. I didn't drink the entire Toilet Head tour. And I'm gonna continue. I don't really want to drink anymore.

[Ari Mannis]

Come on.

[Nick Swartzen]

I just don't. I'm like, done.

[Ari Mannis]

We got a bottle.

[Nick Swartzen]

Wait, what?

[Ari Mannis]

What about.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, I'm just like. I'm over. I Just feel like I won drinking.

[Ari Mannis]

Right.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, I won.

[Sam Morril]

You went hard for a long time.

[Nick Swartzen]

A long time. I was down low. Like. Like I went hard in the pain. Like people don't realize, like. And I wasn't a drug guy. People always think I'm like, dude, blow and stuff like that. Like, I was never a drug guy. I just. I loved drinking.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What about it did you love?

[Nick Swartzen]

I just like that I liked hanging out at a bar, watching a game. I love day drinking.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I love airport bar drink. Oh. I love checking into a hotel, getting a cocktail, all of that.

[Ari Mannis]

I'm with you.

[Nick Swartzen]

Here's the funny thing. I always tried to do this where, like, I always tried to solve drinking, where I would go through phases. So, like, everybody starts out drinking kind of whatever.

[Ari Mannis]

Sure.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like Jack Coke, vodka, cranberry, you know, bullshit. And then you're like, well, I think I'm a whiskey guy.

[Ari Mannis]

Right.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then I went through like a Jameson phase that imploded. And then I'm like, yeah, that's on me. Tequila. That's where I'm at. And then I went through that phase, imploded that. Then I'm just like, you know what I'm all about? Jager bombs. It was just like, I just kept trying to find how to make it work.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And it was like nail polish remover. I mean, and then I just landed on like. I'm just vodka.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I'm diabetic. I got diabetes in Key West.

[Ari Mannis]

You got it there.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. So it turns out just everybody listening.

[Sam Morril]

Amazing sentence.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm sure I'm the first person ever do that. That the first person to get too high and drunk on stage in Colorado. But. But no. So Key west, it turns out, everybody. You can't get drunk every day blacked out for a year and a half and eat key lime pie non stop in that altitude. It will. No, Key west doesn't have alt.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, I thought he's in Colorado.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, that was. I was making a joke about what happened to me.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, I forgot about that.

[Nick Swartzen]

I didn't.

[Ari Mannis]

We'll cover that after. Wait chat.

[Nick Swartzen]

Sajak.

[Ari Mannis]

I want no sleep. I got a toddler.

[Sam Morril]

My friend saw you. I called you during.

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't know if you did call me. Many people.

[Sam Morril]

My friend who I grew up with was just in Key west and he's like, I think Nick Swartz and shit faced at the bar. And I was like, maybe I should check up on him because I feel like he didn't just randomly. Like, he's probably Been here for a while.

[Nick Swartzen]

Dude. It was unreal. It was so fun. Because it was during COVID Yeah. So Covid was kind of a little superfluous there because it was like, nobody really. It just. I don't know. It didn't really exist.

[Ari Mannis]

Yep.

[Nick Swartzen]

Because it was all outdoors and everything. So it was just kind of like Narnia with bars. It was Barnia, you know, so it was like every day you just wake up and drink and then that night go see live music and drink and then pass out, repeat.

[Ari Mannis]

Sounds like heaven.

[Nick Swartzen]

There was nothing. It was fucking amazing. There was nothing, you know, in the sense of. There was no work. I didn't really. I was gonna retire, actually. I wanted to just live in Key west and. But I just. Just completely succumbed to this island life.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And, like, I didn't care. It changed my whole perspective on life where. When I came back to LA briefly and I, like, was like, why do I have all this stuff? And I, like, sold all my clothes and shoes and Rolex and diamond chain, and so I had all this stupid. And I just, like, lived in Key west and, like, flip flops and board shorts. It was, like, super happy. Yeah, it was, like, a really happy time.

[Ari Mannis]

That's great.

[Nick Swartzen]

And it was, like, being at bars and just having discussions about, like. Like, art and literature and music and it was just great.

[Ari Mannis]

Hell, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I remember one of my highlights was they have a butterfly museum. And I went. I spent $11,000 at the gift shop.

[Ari Mannis]

The butterfly.

[Nick Swartzen]

I swear to God.

[Sam Morril]

To then waste it on butterfly stuff.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Yeah. I was walking around in, like, butterfly pajamas. Butterfly. Like, be dazzled hat.

[Ari Mannis]

Butterfly is your gerbil.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yes, it is.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

Butterfly kisses in my anus tonight. I think that's the lyrics. I think. I'm not mistaken on that.

[Ari Mannis]

The Key west is a magical place.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's great. And they have the Key West Comedy Club.

[Ari Mannis]

Yes.

[Nick Swartzen]

Phenomenal.

[Ari Mannis]

Tom Dustin.

[Nick Swartzen]

And they have Tom Dustin.

[Sam Morril]

Star buddy just made a documentary about him, and we don't know when it's coming out.

[Nick Swartzen]

God.

[Sam Morril]

No one's sorry for trying to give.

[Ari Mannis]

A plug to your friend off. It's a great.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, the documentary. I think you're in Key west comedy. Well, the funny thing is, I was in Key west for a year and a half. Half. And I never did one set. Mom can vouch for this. I never did one set.

[Ari Mannis]

Must have driven him crazy. You got a great comic. One bar over and you literally stumbling.

[Nick Swartzen]

Past your comedy club.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And they have the Key West Theater. I'll be there February 20th all my dates, by the way. Nick Swartz and dot net back on the road, picking up clubs for the theaters I missed, and I've got more theaters. When does this POD air?

[Ari Mannis]

Two weeks.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, not this weekend, but the next one. Right? Okay.

[Ari Mannis]

You're gonna go to Key west as a sober guy, you know how hard that is.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, dude.

[Ari Mannis]

That's a challenge.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, I can do it.

[Ari Mannis]

Pedophile. Going to the Vatican.

[Nick Swartzen]

Okay. Yeah, He's a tough laugher.

[Ari Mannis]

That's fine. That was an easy, easy analogy.

[Sam Morril]

You know what? I know. That's great. Yeah. What's the website? Do you plug it.net Nick Swartzin.net?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, I couldn't get. I lost.org. yeah, I wanted gov or edu.

[Ari Mannis]

What'd you call him?

[Sam Morril]

A vampire Edge.

[Ari Mannis]

You.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no.

[Ari Mannis]

Woody Allen call back there?

[Nick Swartzen]

No, it's Faratu.

[Ari Mannis]

There it is.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

All right.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm going back to Florida.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

Which I know Sam has it.

[Ari Mannis]

Just beef.

[Nick Swartzen]

Talk about. I know. I love.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I might film my next special in Tampa. I'm debating. I'm doing it.

[Nick Swartzen]

Florida's great for comedy. I love it.

[Sam Morril]

I love Florida, too. People think I hate Florida just because I hate Naples. But, like, Flor. Lauderdale is great. I love Orlando. Crowds are great. Miami tough, though. Miami.

[Nick Swartzen]

Miami's tough. Miami, they're just.

[Sam Morril]

They show up late. They're kind of just not.

[Ari Mannis]

They're hot. They're co.

[Nick Swartzen]

The thing about the Florida club that you're talking about.

[Ari Mannis]

Off the hook.

[Nick Swartzen]

Off the hook, which I. I like a lot. I like the club. The thing about this one of my pet pee. I do really. I do like. Well, here's the thing. I don't like. And this is what I don't like in general about comedy. I don't know how you guys feel about it.

[Ari Mannis]

Mmm.

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't like. I don't like food at a comedy club. I don't like off the hook. It's like full on. It's really good food, but it's a full on fucking meal.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's like surf and turf and it's bib on.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And the staff's great. The food's great, but it's, like, fucking brutal to perform, of course. Well, people. I don't understand, like, people in the comments. Why. Why do you eat at a club when you go to a show? Even in comedy clubs? Like, I have people, like, eating, like, cake in the front row, and I'm like, isn't that, like, not healthy for you?

[Sam Morril]

It should really. It should be. No, like, comedy on State Madison. The fact they have no food. Yeah, this was a choice. And it's great. Great.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

The main money you're making is on booze anyway.

[Ari Mannis]

Of course.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. And it's not like this show's that long. It's like when you go to a movie, you don't want to surf and turf, but they do that now.

[Sam Morril]

That's. That's like how they're trying to revive movie theaters. They're doing like. Yeah, through your seat service.

[Nick Swartzen]

I've seen that.

[Ari Mannis]

It's kind of fun, actually. Yeah, but you don't have to laugh audibly as a response in a movie.

[Sam Morril]

Not a great way to see 12 Years a Slave.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, you got the blackened chicken, but yeah, I'm with you on the food. And if you're gonna eat at a comedy club, which is disgusting and weird, do it early. Go, go an pig out and then enjoy a show with a full stomach.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

When they bring out, we used to, you know, Caroline's, all the time, they bring out like the giant block of chicken parmesan. It's fucking pungent too.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's distracting.

[Ari Mannis]

I know I'm smelling it. And you know what clubs, a lot of clubs do this popcorn now, which when you're bombing, all you hear is, I don't need that.

[Nick Swartzen]

Maybe don't bomb wow.

[Ari Mannis]

For 20 years. I can't crack the code on that one.

[Nick Swartzen]

Good God. At least it's not a. They should open a fajita comedy club. Hundreds of it. Just looks like Armageddon. That'd be beautiful.

[Ari Mannis]

I think we. I think I did your fajita joke on a TV show once and I got creamed online.

[Nick Swartzen]

No. What?

[Ari Mannis]

I didn't know you did it already. And I did a similar thing.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's fine.

[Ari Mannis]

I just want to bury that.

[Nick Swartzen]

Brandon Schaub got attacked for that too.

[Ari Mannis]

Well.

[Sam Morril]

Well, that's on you.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Yeah. You're doing the same thing.

[Nick Swartzen]

I know. I did a fajita chug. That was like a throwaway observation at like the Laugh Factory. And then this is during the MySpace days and it went viral during that time. And it was just literally an observation. It was just about fajitas and blah, blah, blah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So it's like. I don't own an observation. I always.

[Ari Mannis]

I think that at first.

[Nick Swartzen]

Well, I mean, what was your joke?

[Ari Mannis]

Just about how it's like the most attention getting meal.

[Nick Swartzen]

Right.

[Ari Mannis]

Similar to yours.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it's an obvious observation. I just. The whole thing about comedy cops these days is so funny. Because I've had people go like, oh, dude, I. Yeah, that bit you do. I just saw so and so do it right. And I go, really? What's the bit? And they're like, it's exactly like yours. And I go, what? What is it? And they. They would tell me it and I'm like, no, no, no, it's an observation. I got my. My punchline. The whole where I take it is different.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

You're just seeing the setup and the premise. I know we all share premises. No, I said, then we have a different take on it.

[Ari Mannis]

Totally.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like someone posted like a morning TV thing I did, and they're like, bill Burr did it first or whatever. I'm like, a lot of comics fuck around on morning tv.

[Ari Mannis]

I know. We've all done it.

[Sam Morril]

It's a.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's a common good God.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, well, they like to be the guy who gets you. I called him out. I'm the man. I'm a cop.

[Nick Swartzen]

Why would we all steal from each other? Like, that doesn't make any sense. So I remember this when I first started. I remember this very vividly. And I was in Minnesota at my mom's apartment, 1997, and I had dinner. I did a bit at the open mic, and it was about athletes that celebrate. And I'm like, it's. I'm like, why are you celebrating? Like, that's your job. You score a touchdown. Why are you freaking out? And blah, blah, blah. And so I did a whole bit. I'm like, a doctor doesn't do that. They're not in surgery. And then they fucking last stitch. Then they fucking throw everything and spike all this stuff. So I thought I was all excited. And then I go home and I'm watching Conan, and Bill Burr is on Conan, and Bill Burr does the exact same premise and the doctor and the surgeon, and there's no way he saw me in hell. There's no way I saw him. But it was just like minded thinking.

[Ari Mannis]

Yep.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I'll never forget that, where I was like, oh, this is probably gonna happen.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

You know what I mean? So I like when people go like, oh, you know, so and so's the. If I'm like, well, like, no, right. Let's like actually disprove this. You know what I mean? Because I've thought of bits where people are like, oh, Brian Regan does the same thing. And I'm like, how?

[Sam Morril]

Fuck, I came up with the N word. Black people bid organically. And it turns out Chris Rock already did it.

[Ari Mannis]

So that's true.

[Sam Morril]

Not my fault.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's not your fault? No, Sam. That's why we pray.

[Ari Mannis]

I just wish you wouldn't do it at dinner all the time. That's when it gets weird.

[Sam Morril]

Can you tell? Because we've had great Norm stories on here, and you were actually tight with them. Can you tell any Norm stories?

[Nick Swartzen]

I mean, I do a couple in my set.

[Sam Morril]

They're great, so I don't want to.

[Nick Swartzen]

Give any of those away.

[Sam Morril]

Those away? Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

But I'll share with you one that was one of my favorites.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So we're. We're on tours. Me, Sandler and Spade and Norm. And it's our final show. I believe it was Mohican sun. And so it's our final show, so, like, we were deprived of sleep. So everybody's just like, let's sleep in. Okay. So we're all in a text thread. So we all sleep in, and we're, you know, wake up. And so Norm was on the thread at 6am on the thread with everybody, and he goes, hey, I'm getting breakfast. Anybody want to have breakfast? And it radio silence. Everyone's sleeping. I wake up at about 9am and I go, hey, does anybody want to get breakfast? And people like, yeah, yeah, I'm down. Blah, blah, blah. So we go down to the lobby, and Norm's walking up, and he goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, we're gonna go get breakfast. He goes, dad, that was my idea. I go, what do you mean? He goes, yeah, no, I said, you guys want to get breakfast? And nobody said anything. And I go, yeah, we're all sleeping. Adam's like, you were sleeping? And he goes, yeah. Then Swartzen. He fucking goes, hey, you want to get breakfast now? Everybody wants to get breakfast. So he took my idea. He took my idea. I go, I didn't fucking create breakfast. Yeah, I know, but I thought of it first. My idea. He goes, they did. They don't even have breakfast here. And we're at a casino, and we're like, they don't have breakfast. They always have breakfast. And then he goes, now I've been walking around trying to find it. And then we go to the concierge. We're like, do you guys have breakfast? She's like, yeah, there's like three diners, like, in there. This one, like. And he goes, what? What are you talking about? Walking around, you have breakfast. It was, like, the most insane. Yeah, that was. The thing about Norm is, like, you just never. I was always like, what are you talking about?

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, just like, did he know he was being funny?

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't know.

[Ari Mannis]

That's. What's the genius of him.

[Nick Swartzen]

That was the genius of it. But it was like I was one of his good friends. So it was just like, I didn't steal your idea for breakfast. That's like so insane. Yes. Swartz and stole it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I thought of it like, it was so funny. Like, I still have screenshots of like the threads of all of us. Yeah, it was like Norm would just. It was so bizarre. I remember one time we were going down to Florida. We had a whole run of shows in Florida. Like four sold out amphitheater, amazing shows.

[Sam Morril]

So we're on the Santa Austin St. Augustine, right?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's a beautiful.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's the best show I've. I'll talk about that a second. It's the best show I've ever seen in my life. But so we're on a thread. So Norm is gonna meet us from California and Florida. So two days before, we're like, all right, Florida, Orlando, blah, blah, blah. Excited, fired up. Yeah, yeah. See you guys there. So we go, we get, get in Orlando. We're all at the hotel. We're like, okay, Norm, are you here yet? He goes, what? Where? We're like, we're in Florida. We're in Orlando. Like, are you here? And he goes, orlando? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Like, we have a show. Show tonight.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And he goes, what? Yeah. Who said that? I didn't know that. And I literally screenshotted it two days before Norm going, can't wait to see you in Florida. And I go, you fucking said. And he goes, oh, yeah, no, yeah, shit, I have the flu. And we're like, what do you mean you have the flu? He goes, yeah, yeah, the flu. We're like, why don't you say you have the flu? And he goes, yeah, I forgot. Like, what the.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So you missed the whole Florida run.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

He just didn't tell anybody. His name's built on this thing too.

[Nick Swartzen]

Well, sometimes he was. Sometimes he was like, we were the main four, Me and Spade and Strainer and Adam. So Norm, they would be like a rotating like Nealon, Tim Meadows, Norm, stuff like that. Yeah, but. But yeah, it was just like he.

[Ari Mannis]

Just said, that's hilarious.

[Sam Morril]

Were you ever nervous being the new guy because all those guys have known each other forever.

[Nick Swartzen]

No. I came in hot, I just started slapping genitals. Yeah. Well, I had worked with Adam for so long and, you know, those guys all became really close. So when we went on tour, it was just, you know, it was. I never felt like the new guy. It was just like my buddies.

[Sam Morril]

I've heard you got a jump shot too.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, I did before I went blind. I literally, like, that was in Key west too. I have glasses now because I can't see.

[Sam Morril]

I've had multiple people tell me. I remember Godfrey once was like, swartzin's got a J. Dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

Dude. I used to. Yeah, I was a shooting guard. Yeah. I couldn't run point, but I was like, very like Reddick. That was my. My idol who became a friend. J.J. reddick.

[Ari Mannis]

Can I ask one more Norm? He's. One more Norm question. He's my favorite.

[Nick Swartzen]

Okay.

[Ari Mannis]

Did he do well on the shows? Because I've only seen him live twice and one night he fucking annihilated. It was like the roof came off. And then one night he bombed. Silence for like 45 minutes.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's kind of like whatever he wanted.

[Ari Mannis]

Mmm.

[Nick Swartzen]

You know, like he could. Yeah, he could murder. Or if he just wasn't in the mood, he, you know, he would just go off on like some kind of whatever he wanted to do.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

But he did say one of my favorite things ever. I did a festival in San Diego and I headlined Friday at Norm Headline Saturday. And I stayed and hung out with Norm. And we're backstage and right next to him, he's about to go on Kirk Fox's opener. It was really funny. Is about to introduce. He's in the process of introducing him. He goes, you know, you know, your headliner, blah, blah, blah. And Norm just turns me and he just goes, goes. The only thing I'm good at, I hate. They're like, Norm MacDonald. He went on stage.

[Ari Mannis]

Jesus, that's dark.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, it was perfect because it's like sometimes comedians are just like. I can sometimes, I don't know, you're just like feel dark.

[Sam Morril]

You don't feel like it. But. Yeah, but I mean, do you think he didn't like doing stand up?

[Nick Swartzen]

No, he loved it. You know, it's just kind of. Just a self loathing, like.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, maybe.

[Nick Swartzen]

Maybe he just wasn't in the mood. It was a music festival.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So you know what I mean? I'm sure he was just like, this could go either way.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. I used to open for Louie and he would always pace in the green room, be like, I don't feel funny today. I don't feel funny. I don't have it. It's. I've gone. I'm not funny. Anymore. And then he would go up and murder.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

I think before a show, you just get that.

[Sam Morril]

Get in your head.

[Ari Mannis]

The.

[Nick Swartzen]

But I'm like a legit insane person before I go on stage. I don't know if you're like this. I get really tired. Like, I get a weird fatigue where I'm just like. And then people like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I just have to get out there. And then once I'm out there, I love it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yes.

[Nick Swartzen]

And. But I remember Dana Carvey was saying that to me. We were doing a gig at a Laugh Factory in Hollywood, and it was Kevin Nealon's new Material night. And I'm backstage with Dana, and Dana's like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna bomb on a tank. And I'm like, you're not. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. I just. I don't. I don't have anything. I'm like, no, it's a new Material night. He's like, no, no, I'm gonna bomb. I'm gonna bomb. I'm gonna bomb. And I'm like, whatever did. And he just went out and murdered.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, Carby, Exactly.

[Nick Swartzen]

Literally could. He's the most charismatic, naturally hilarious human being that's ever created.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Much like a Richard Gear.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

But no, he's amazing. It's funny when people say. Say stuff like that.

[Ari Mannis]

Now was Norma. I mean, I. I know he's a brilliant comedian, blah, blah. But was he ever.

[Nick Swartzen]

One question.

[Ari Mannis]

Was he ever brutal to hang out with? Like, was it ever hard? Of what?

[Nick Swartzen]

Abusive?

[Sam Morril]

No, no. It means it was just like a hard.

[Ari Mannis]

Was it.

[Nick Swartzen]

Was it annoying sometimes, you know, like a defend mark.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, like, stupid question. He's got that.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, he's trying to, like, I appreciate it.

[Mark Normand]

Be easy.

[Sam Morril]

I'm a man.

[Nick Swartzen]

You're in our cave, man. What are you doing here, Nick? What are you doing?

[Ari Mannis]

You know, you couldn't drive, so you go pick him up or. Yeah, like, he has that great story where his assistant is, like, normal. You're not gonna believe this. I got a hooker last night, and she snorted coke off my dick. Don't tell anybody, please. And Norm's like, yeah, of course I got you. And then the UPS guy walked in. He goes, yeah, this guy got his dick. Coke snort by a hooker. And the guy was like, what are you doing? You know? But that's Norm.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I mean, it was always just interesting. I mean, there's a story I've told before. I'll just tell it quickly. But it's the one of where I called him to watch a baseball game. So do you know the story or. No. So I call him. It's noon. There's a triple header on.

[Ari Mannis]

Mm.

[Nick Swartzen]

So I go to the bar, have a couple beers, and then Norm's like, hey, what are you doing? And I go, I'm at the bar. I go, I just. Just got here. I've had a couple beers. Want to meet me and watch games? And he goes, yeah, can you pick me up? And I go, no, I've already had drinks. I don't want to drink and drive. I go, you live a mile away. Just call the cabs before Uber. And he goes, all right. Yeah, see there? So I'm like, okay. So I'm drinking at the bar, watch one whole game, no Norm. Another whole game, no Norm. Text him. Nothing. No reply.

[Ari Mannis]

This is what, six hours now?

[Nick Swartzen]

Six hours. So now I'm like, solid buzz. Thank you, Mark. So then, third game, no Norm, huh. So it's 9 o'clock at night now. I'm like, fucking drunk as shit, and I'm leaving the bar, and he's walking in, and he goes, where you going? And I go, what do you mean? Where the fuck have you been? Yeah, I watched all three games, like, in a blackout. I can't walk. And he goes, so you're leaving? And I go, yeah, I can't See.

[Ari Mannis]

This is what I'm talking about.

[Nick Swartzen]

And he goes, now? And this is the best part. This is so Norm. I go, where the fuck have you been? And he goes, I had to do laundry for nine hours. For nine hours. I go, nine hours to run an orphanage. The. Are you doing? You wear the same thing?

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Pants, right? Yes. Yeah. So I stayed and had, like, one more beer, but it was just like.

[Sam Morril]

That would drive me crazy.

[Nick Swartzen]

Of course.

[Ari Mannis]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Nick Swartzen]

But I mean, that's why, like, you just never. You would never, like, fully invest, right? But he was great, though. He was really competitive. One time, he goes. He goes, hey, you ever play ping pong? And I go, yeah, I grew up. I grew up playing ping pong at a ping pong table. And he goes, no way. I play ping pong. I'm really good. And I go, I bet you I beat you. And he goes, no, no, no, I bet you won't. And I go, okay. He goes. He goes, I got a new ping pong table. So I go over to his place, we're playing ping pong, and I annihilate him like in front of. In front of Lori and his son. And it's just. And he's fucking livid. And I'm just. Just smoking. And he's like, what the fuck? What are you fucking half Asian? What's going on here? What are you doing? And I'm like. I grew up playing ping pong. I'm like, really, really, really good. And he's like, now I play again. And so I just kept beating him. And then I felt better. It was kind of like I would let up a little bit.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And he could tell. And he would make more mad, like, yeah, yeah, fuck you. And he was just. He was so mad.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, that's so.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, there was a funny, competitive side to him.

[Ari Mannis]

God, could you imagine him trying to have a girlfriend or anything like that? Showing up nine hours late to stuff? It's insane.

[Nick Swartzen]

No.

[Ari Mannis]

Or not be able to drive in la.

[Sam Morril]

That is crazy that.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

I have another friend who can't drive in la. And how do you live there?

[Ari Mannis]

You got Uber now. But this is, you know, in the 90s and early 2000s.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I mean, it was tricky. I mean, I can't believe I don't have a dui. I made so many stupid decisions of, like. Because I would live in. I lived in Venice beach, and I would do sets at the Improv. So I'd, like, try and sleep in my car. But sometimes, like, you would roll the dice.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And get.

[Ari Mannis]

Get off because of your fame.

[Nick Swartzen]

No. One time. Yeah, I did a couple times. Not from. I would get out of tickets because I was on Reno 911.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, beautiful.

[Nick Swartzen]

But this is a true story of getting out of a DUI. This is 100% true. I was leaving the Improv and I was going six blocks to a bar in Hollywood, and I'd had about five or six drinks.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

Which is nothing. It's easy. So I'm driving and I go. I'm gonna go back roads, not do major streets, just in case. So I go back roads and I pass a cup car going down. I'm almost to the bar and I pass this cop car. My windows are down and music's blaring, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I just know they're gonna pull me over. I just know it. And I look at my rear view and they're doing a U turn. So I floor it, step on the gas, go to the street in front of me, whip a hard right. There's a meter there. Thank God. I jump out, get out of the car, turn the car Off. Cops come by, pull it behind me. They're like, hands on the car. Hands on the hood. Hands up. Up, up, up. Empty your pockets. They're like, are you on drugs? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm emptying my pockets and they're like, okay, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm like, I. I just got off stage. I was at the improv. I'm a comedian. I was just going to this bar. And they're like, okay, you have drugs on you? And I go, no, I don't do any drugs. There's no drugs, I promise. And they're like, have you been drinking? And I go, I'm not gonna lie to you. I had a drink after I got off stage. I go, it's so scary doing stand up that I just. I had to just to kill the nerves because it's just so scary. And they totally were like, oh, yeah, I can see that. Yeah, that'd be horrifying.

[Ari Mannis]

Well played.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I go, yeah. I go, I'm not gonna lie to you though. Then this is before cell phones and I had a little notepad with all my jokes and ideas and premises. So the cop goes, what's that? And I go, it's my joke notebook. And he goes, okay. And he looks at it and he goes, what's that? And I go, joke. And he goes, what is it? And I told it to him and he goes, that's very funny. And then he goes, what's that? And I go, it's idea I have for a TV show. And he goes, what's the idea? And I got side. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, yeah, that could work.

[Sam Morril]

This is the most la polo.

[Nick Swartzen]

So insane. And it's 100 true.

[Ari Mannis]

He's like, that's a Bill Burr, Jim. Actually, I saw that on Conan.

[Nick Swartzen]

What's this drawing of a gerbil? So then he like points out one more joke. So he turns to his partner and he goes, what do you think? And the guy goes, I don't know. The kid's a fucking comedian. And he goes, okay. He goes, good luck, man. He goes, don't get back in that fucking car. And I go, I won't, I won't, I swear to God. And he goes, okay. And they left. And I walked into the bar and I was like, oh, my fucking God.

[Sam Morril]

I couldn't believe I'm invincible.

[Nick Swartzen]

It was insane. And I just never.

[Ari Mannis]

Your act.

[Sam Morril]

That happened to me when I was at school and they pull My notepad out. But my. They hated my fucking joke.

[Nick Swartzen]

No way.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

They were like, that sucks.

[Nick Swartzen]

No way.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it was fucking annoying.

[Nick Swartzen]

Did they let you off, though?

[Sam Morril]

They let me off.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

And. And it was a bit of my act. This is a story. But a guy. A true story. A guy actually had cocaine on him. I didn't know him. They stopped all of us, and he didn't search the guy because they beat up on me for my shitty jokes.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, he owes you a beer.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

And a bump.

[Nick Swartzen]

Good God.

[Sam Morril]

It was fucking weird.

[Ari Mannis]

I got pulled over in Rhode Island. This is a month ago. I think I told you the story. Cop pulls me out of the car. I go, I'm a comedian. He goes, give me three jokes. First two bombed. He's about to take me to jail. I'm hammered. Did a trans joke. Smooth sailing. Oh, yeah. The black joke. I thought I pull out a black one first, and I think I did an Asian and then the trans joke, baby.

[Sam Morril]

I'm one of those.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I love that you said, I'm gonna be honest to a cop.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, it's not that bad. Bad, though, because Peter would never be like, I one kid. I was nervous, you know?

[Ari Mannis]

That's true.

[Nick Swartzen]

Good God.

[Ari Mannis]

But if you. If you level with them, if you go in, like, an emotional connection. My friend, we got pulled over. We were in high school. He was whizzing down this highway. We were all drunk, and he. The cop pulled him over. And he gets out. He goes, I just got dumped. I'm so sad. My girlfriend was a love of my life. The cops, like, I get it, man. Get out of here. And we got out of it.

[Nick Swartzen]

I love Cops.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Amazing. On the show called. Working on New bits. Question mark. Are you working on new.

[Sam Morril]

I didn't prep them on this. I did. I said peeves. I said peeves. If you have any peeves, I gotta.

[Nick Swartzen]

Watch the time, too.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah, we've gone over.

[Nick Swartzen]

I've got a flood. I'll tell you this one. I. I was at dinner during the movie. Just go with it. Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. And we're in Maui.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

And we're all. We're all out to dinner. It's pretty awesome. That was a great shoot.

[Sam Morril]

And she's very cool.

[Nick Swartzen]

She's cool as. She's like the coolest person.

[Ari Mannis]

What about Barack Obama?

[Nick Swartzen]

He was not in the movie.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. I heard they were canoodling.

[Sam Morril]

That's the rumor.

[Ari Mannis]

You hear that? Yeah. Pull it up.

[Sam Morril]

True. It's a Rumor.

[Ari Mannis]

She didn't deny it on Kimmel.

[Nick Swartzen]

There's room.

[Sam Morril]

No, she did deny it.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, she did? Okay. I saw a different version.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's like a million rumors. I remember we were hanging out in our hotel room, and she was like, look at this. And she just, like, googled her name, and it was like, all this stuff. She goes, this is what I deal with. It's like, all this nonsense.

[Sam Morril]

There was one that was like, David Schwimmer, too.

[Nick Swartzen]

There was one about that said Jennifer Aniston's addicted to grapes or something.

[Ari Mannis]

Great.

[Nick Swartzen]

It was, like, one thing. She's like, I'm not. What does that even mean?

[Ari Mannis]

Statutory.

[Nick Swartzen]

So anyway, we're at. We're at dinner, and it's Sandler, the whole crew. And then Woody Harrelson lives in Maui. So he crashed the. He crashed the dinner. So we're hanging out, and I had just met him, and so we're, you know, just having dinner. And so Jennifer's like, woody, Nick does stand up. He's also stand up. And Woody goes, oh, yeah, tell me a joke.

[Ari Mannis]

Ah, here we go.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then everybody got quiet. And he was like, dead serious. And I go, what do you mean? I. We're at dinner. And he goes, no, tell me a joke. And I'm like, okay. And then I just. I told him a joke. And I go. And it was one I use with police when I get pulled over if they're like, tell me a joke. And I go, blonde walks into a library. And she's like, can I get two cheeseburgers? And they're like, this is a library. And she's like, sorry, can I get two cheeseburgers? I told that joke to Woody, and it was just a beat, and he just. Just goes, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it wasn't like, cheers, Woody Harrelson. It was like Natural Born Killers. I was like, cool.

[Sam Morril]

After that.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it's cool as. He's, like, the nicest dude.

[Ari Mannis]

He seems like a cool dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

Hippie. Great. Yeah. I remember he did this bit. So we're at. At the bar, and he pulled out a tin of, like, red powder, and he goes, hey, I grow my own cayenne pepper.

[Ari Mannis]

Whoa.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I go, no way. That's cool. He goes, yeah, I have a farm. And he goes, smell it? And I go, okay. Like an idiot. Like, okay. Ah. So immediate fire. Pain. Sobbing, like, so painful. And he's laughing, and I'm like, oh, my God. And I go and, like, rinse my fucking eyes out. Blah, blah, blah. And I go back, and he's like, sorry about that, man. I didn't think you're really gonna do it. And I go, yeah, that sucked. And he goes, yeah, I'll do it too then. Sorry. He did it and he was like, what a guy. So he like, like went through it too. So that was cool.

[Sam Morril]

Have you tried those smelling, Sal?

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, it's a nightmare.

[Sam Morril]

Those are brutal. No, the NFL players, do. They have it in Rogan's green room at that club?

[Mark Normand]

And.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh no. In comes the grim reaper. Sweetheart, how are you?

[Nick Swartzen]

What a bonus.

[Ari Mannis]

He's got a flight to catch.

[Nick Swartzen]

Boners.

[Ari Mannis]

Is that a gerbil?

[Sam Morril]

Shit.

[Nick Swartzen]

What?

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Nick Swartzen]

What is it?

[Mark Normand]

It's from Mark. He had a. It's from. From me and Sam.

[Ari Mannis]

Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

You can open it afterwards.

[Ari Mannis]

Should I.

[Sam Morril]

The baby Little jumpsuit.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh. Oh, come on. You are not allowed in a kid store.

[Sam Morril]

Look at this.

[Nick Swartzen]

I love this.

[Ari Mannis]

Good stuff.

[Sam Morril]

That's good.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, this is a classic. It should be on every kid's shelf. Yeah, just ask Kevin Spacey.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Kevin O did the soundtrack for that book. Karen O. Wow.

[Nick Swartzen]

This is great. I grew up with this book. Good Night Moon. Every child classic. Yeah, that's great.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. Thank you, Ari. What a guy.

[Mark Normand]

You're welcome. Yeah, I try my best.

[Nick Swartzen]

God bless you, Ari.

[Ari Mannis]

I'll read the card aloud. I hope it's not.

[Mark Normand]

No, no no, you don't have to read it.

[Sam Morril]

By the way, Ari's got a new special out on Netflix. Give it a watch.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you. Yeah, called America's Sweetheart.

[Ari Mannis]

Yes. On Netflix. 85K on plants.

[Sam Morril]

Wrong.

[Nick Swartzen]

All right. We're talking about the new Jewish vampire movie that's out right now. Nose for auto to. That guy looks so much like me.

[Mark Normand]

I saw. I was like. Wait, was I in this?

[Ari Mannis]

Did I forget you're the stunt double here?

[Nick Swartzen]

Wait. All right, take my place. I gotta. I gotta go.

[Ari Mannis]

He's going to the airport.

[Nick Swartzen]

I got to make sure.

[Ari Mannis]

He came so late.

[Mark Normand]

I know. I had to come straight. Bandit wouldn't poop.

[Ari Mannis]

Ah. His girlfriend.

[Nick Swartzen]

Everyone said Sam has diarrhea.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it was.

[Mark Normand]

That's a standard for Sam.

[Sam Morril]

I know. Weak. Weak Jewish stomachs, man.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know.

[Sam Morril]

You have a weak one, right?

[Mark Normand]

I. I've managed, but yeah, it's not great. I'm a bloody guy. All blood.

[Ari Mannis]

Yuck.

[Sam Morril]

All blood.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, sometimes it's mostly blood. It's the first third of it. He'll sometimes be.

[Nick Swartzen]

Are you gonna flag that or. No, I'm just gonna roll with it.

[Mark Normand]

Roll with it?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

His age.

[Mark Normand]

Listen, God has his plan for everyone.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Nick plugs him dates here.

[Mark Normand]

Nicholas.

[Nick Swartzen]

Well, when does it. When is this gonna drop?

[Ari Mannis]

Two weeks.

[Nick Swartzen]

So. So what would that be then?

[Mark Normand]

The 20th.

[Nick Swartzen]

So start here.

[Mark Normand]

Key West. Nice.

[Nick Swartzen]

So Key west. And then Florida. Richmond, right?

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then Houston. Improv.

[Sam Morril]

You gotta hit Pearlies in Richmond, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

West Palm.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Great diner.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I'm picking up some clubs.

[Ari Mannis]

And then that's a big room.

[Nick Swartzen]

And 410, the comedy works at downtown Denver and South.

[Mark Normand]

You're going everywhere in Denver.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Wait, is that.

[Nick Swartzen]

What? And then there's. There's more dates added too, so they're on the website.

[Ari Mannis]

So you're not gonna do an edible, are you?

[Nick Swartzen]

We'll see.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, you gotta go now.

[Nick Swartzen]

We'll see. A bloody edible Anal. Bloody edible. That's the name of my next special.

[Ari Mannis]

What were some of the rumors? People made up about it because you had all kinds of stuff swirling. He's on drugs.

[Nick Swartzen]

I literally went to Colorado. It was 9,000ft altitude. Starting my tour. I was in a good mood. And not even the tour. I was prepping for it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I fucking had cocktails. And then somebody gave me an edible, which I eat. But it hit me when I went on stage.

[Ari Mannis]

Yep.

[Nick Swartzen]

And it was a new set, so I didn't have my set list. And so I was like brain farting on stage. And then I was like trying to like, remember where the act was. It was brand new act. And then somebody videotaped it and sent it to tmz and then the theater pulled me and my opener. Ari Manis.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Ari was like, don't pull him. What the fuck are you doing? Doing? And they're like, no. So they put in. The crowd was like, oh, like, don't. And I just wave.

[Sam Morril]

Your own show. That's. Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

It was. It's Mountain town. It's mixed with like degenerates and Illuminati. Billionaires might be upset.

[Ari Mannis]

Right?

[Nick Swartzen]

Totally.

[Mark Normand]

I've done that. It was a weird show. I did it right before you. Actually, I saw you right there in the next day.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[Mark Normand]

People are like, really worried about Nick. I'm like, why? I had a meaningful conversation with him.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, totally. Not a red flag. Get all like, good God. And then it was like on Yahoo News, USA Today called me for a comment.

[Ari Mannis]

Whoa.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm like, what did Michael Richards go through? Like, I didn't go through, like some like, meltdown. I was just too high and just. In Colorado.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I wasn't at the. You Know what I mean?

[Sam Morril]

We never would have said that in Colorado. Too many whites.

[Ari Mannis]

That's true.

[Nick Swartzen]

Exactly.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

God. All right, I gotta go.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. Well, hey, thanks, Nick, man.

[Nick Swartzen]

I love you.

[Sam Morril]

Let's take a photo.

[Ari Mannis]

Hell, yeah. Get the moon in there. There. Good night. Hey, Sex with kids.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Nick Swartzen]

Praise him.

[Ari Mannis]

Thanks for the gifts.

[Nick Swartzen]

Ar.

[Ari Mannis]

You're amaz.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, buddy. Congratulations on the edition.

[Ari Mannis]

Being away is quite nice.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, soon.

[Ari Mannis]

Thanks for doing it, man. Good stories, good ep. Good times. Boy, I got a weird handshake. They got a hug. That was tough, dude.

[Sam Morril]

That weird post, the whole fucking move your body mark. Wow. When are you leaving one of those?

[Ari Mannis]

Drew.

[Mark Normand]

I'm leaving Wednesday morning or tomorrow? Tomorrow. Night. Night.

[Sam Morril]

I thought you were gone already.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I was, like, two days and I'm gone for six weeks.

[Nick Swartzen]

Whoa.

[Ari Mannis]

Six weeks?

[Sam Morril]

Where are you going?

[Mark Normand]

All over Pitt.

[Nick Swartzen]

Us?

[Ari Mannis]

What are you thinking?

[Mark Normand]

Nashville? San Jose? San Antonio?

[Ari Mannis]

Hell, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Denver? Atlanta.

[Sam Morril]

Portland.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So I'll do some, like, press shit in Austin. I'll start in San Antonio. I'll stay there for a little bit in la. Bray. I'll, like, do press there until I go to Nashville. Do some press there.

[Ari Mannis]

No sets, though.

[Mark Normand]

No, all sets.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, okay. Okay, great.

[Mark Normand]

Like, in between. I'll stay there.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, okay, great.

[Sam Morril]

You just stay in a hotel or something.

[Mark Normand]

San Antonio? Yeah, San Antonio. I'll go back up to Austin, hang out there, do spots and shit.

[Ari Mannis]

All right.

[Nick Swartzen]

Tampa.

[Mark Normand]

Go to the beach. I might go skiing in between. Tampa in Florida?

[Ari Mannis]

Come on, you're living.

[Mark Normand]

Get two days off.

[Ari Mannis]

I know, but I have a kid now. I can't. All this is just FOMO for me.

[Mark Normand]

Dude, I was using a fake pass. I got caught with a fake pass.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, no.

[Sam Morril]

What pass?

[Mark Normand]

It's a. It's a. It was in a. Well, I don't want to say, which.

[Ari Mannis]

I don't want to get bad, but.

[Mark Normand]

It was one of the passes for ski towns.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And I was with Ryan O'Neal. And they go. We're like, we already dinged it six times. And then I go, sir, step out of line for a second.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh.

[Mark Normand]

And then I'm like, well, we're. I already knew. We're. But we still hold out hope. And they go, can I see your face? And he goes, no. He goes, well, can I see some id? He goes, I don't have any id.

[Sam Morril]

And they didn't let you in?

[Mark Normand]

No. He goes, I need to see. Why can't I see your face? And O'Neal just went straight. Karen. He goes, I was badly Burned. Are you familiar with the Americans with Disability act of 1997?

[Ari Mannis]

Good for him.

[Mark Normand]

The guy was like. You think it's the first time I've seen a fake passing.

[Ari Mannis]

Not. They're pretty lax with though. We went ski and what's his name? The guy, the barstool guy. He gave me his pass.

[Mark Normand]

Francis.

[Ari Mannis]

Francis Ellis. Ellis.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

He's like, here, take my pass. I'm like, your photo is on there.

[Nick Swartzen]

They all get used.

[Ari Mannis]

He's like a 64 Nazi looking blonde guy and I'm a twink. 5 10. Curly Douche. And it worked every time. Not. Not a peep.

[Mark Normand]

They just didn't go go. It's all cokeheads ringing it in. One old man. Don't go to the old man.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, cool dudes in those types of.

[Mark Normand]

Jobs, they're just like, I'm just looking to do this.

[Ari Mannis]

I can ski easy.

[Nick Swartzen]

Park city lines are insane.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, they had a strike. It's over now. Oh, they had a strike. So they had to like shut a bunch of lizards. Tell anybody they had to strike for the. They wanted more money.

[Sam Morril]

Are you guys. Are you guys good skiers?

[Ari Mannis]

I'm okay at snowboarding. I can't ski to save my life.

[Mark Normand]

I'm okay. But I go for it.

[Ari Mannis]

He's good. You're good. You're pretty good. You're best.

[Mark Normand]

Terrible to. To challenging ratio. Is Ian finance. He's awful.

[Ari Mannis]

So bad.

[Mark Normand]

Just bombs it.

[Ari Mannis]

He'll go up a.

[Mark Normand]

He goes, I'll try one leg. I'm like, buddy, you don't even know how to ski.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. And he's smoking the whole time.

[Mark Normand]

Smoking. No, no, Hel. Just smoking one. Legging it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And he's bad.

[Ari Mannis]

You know, it's really bad. Was Gillis. He's just a big snowman out there. He looks Michelin man. He's wearing.

[Sam Morril]

Never even tried. Worse.

[Mark Normand]

You'd be worse.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, it's. It's fun as hell. I mean, two. One day. You got it. Just do it for a full day and you got it down.

[Mark Normand]

You got it. Snowboarding is easier to master. I've heard.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, I agree. Plus I'm used to going sideways cuz of skateboarding my whole life.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, and you're bisexual, so it's halfway there.

[Ari Mannis]

There you go. I go both ways. Ways. And yeah, it's. It's a great. Really. The fun time is cooking the dinner on the comics. Getting drunk, doing drugs, getting in the hot tub. I gave you a vd.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Hell yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Median ski trip was the best.

[Ari Mannis]

The best.

[Mark Normand]

Doing nothing for three days. Had a show to pay for it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. We'd put on a bad special on it. Fine.

[Mark Normand]

I want to hear these bad.

[Sam Morril]

Who are you watching?

[Ari Mannis]

We did. I got this at the Vu. We can't say, but yeah, you know. You know the culprits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. And just like, it's. It's fun.

[Ari Mannis]

It's a good time.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Renaissance makes ziti.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

In the morning, we all just have a blast. Shane does two runs and then starts drinking.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Then he cuts it out. Sean Patton, he's so fat. He had to quit, like, halfway through. Had to leave him on the mountain. The helicopter got.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he always watches.

[Sam Morril]

I watch his show, the FX show.

[Ari Mannis]

It's killer.

[Sam Morril]

He's amazing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's a real piece of. On it.

[Sam Morril]

I love him.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's great.

[Ari Mannis]

He's the comedic relief. It's such a well written show.

[Mark Normand]

Comedic relief on a set sitcom. But he really is.

[Ari Mannis]

He made it. And it's actually a really good sitcom as far as great, too.

[Sam Morril]

The guy from Just Shoot Me.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah, there we are, Hungover.

[Sam Morril]

He's rocking a Nate Robinson jersey.

[Mark Normand]

These are all jerseys I found for the ski trip.

[Ari Mannis]

Thrift store.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Any double or triple extra large? I would get it.

[Sam Morril]

Rocking a Kobe.

[Mark Normand]

No. Yeah, No, I had a Kobe. I gave it to. From the roast. I gave it to Norman. He's. He's rocking it.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. I'm down.

[Mark Normand]

I'm rocking.

[Ari Mannis]

I also got some hills.

[Mark Normand]

I forgot who. 23 on Golden. It was before.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's Draymond, dude.

[Mark Normand]

It's pre draymond.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

C.J. watson.

[Mark Normand]

Fuck, I wish I knew.

[Ari Mannis]

I had a dirt Dirk Davitsky for a while, I don't think.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you had the Dirk. Who's not in this? Somebody's not in this.

[Ari Mannis]

Well, Pat was gone because he can't remember. He stopped doing the skiing because he was too hurt. Oh, he had Kreischer one year, too.

[Mark Normand]

Kreischer came one year? Yes, Sal came one year.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah. Big Sal Volcano.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Man, we went.

[Nick Swartzen]

What do we do?

[Ari Mannis]

Four or five times.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it was great.

[Ari Mannis]

We'll go again.

[Mark Normand]

We all slept on the condo, like, floors and stuff the first time. Nobody was a draw.

[Ari Mannis]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

Let's just do this show. We did a this is not happening show. Storytelling shows. Like, we don't have room for extra rooms.

[Ari Mannis]

That's right.

[Mark Normand]

So we just got air mattresses.

[Ari Mannis]

Amazing. Those are good. We're gonna remember these days when we're old and gay and in a wheelchair.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Damn. And Shane was still paying for merch.

[Ari Mannis]

Shane still had no. He had nowhere to be.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Now he's like, I'm in eight movies. I'm on an arena tour. I'm in a Bud Light commercial. Under armour commercial.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. O'Neill's got the Ben Wallace.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Those jerseys. Hidden jam to be able to find each other on the mountain.

[Ari Mannis]

Brilliant. Brilliant.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. That's a good idea. I didn't think about that.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Cheap. At thrift stores. The biggest one.

[Ari Mannis]

They're fun. Yeah. And you see a Philly jersey popping out of a snow bank and you're like, oh, there's financ. Fully covered body.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It's fun to be able to sponge. And then you get like, props on, like, oh, hey, that. We're like, I don't.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It was just Canada.

[Ari Mannis]

I feel bad. You came to see Nick and then he saw you and left.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. What was it?

[Nick Swartzen]

He doesn't take elevators.

[Ari Mannis]

He walked 16 floors up.

[Mark Normand]

I was not aware of that. No.

[Sam Morril]

I thought he was with me when he texted to me and I was like, haha. And then he was like, no, I'm not kidding, man. I really.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

He won't take elevators, but take random edibles and a mountain. Always trust your instincts. How are you guys doing?

[Ari Mannis]

I'm on two hours of sleep in New York.

[Mark Normand]

They said it was fucking. The global warming made the winter stop.

[Ari Mannis]

Great.

[Mark Normand]

It's back.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. It's a nice 40 degrees. Yeah. Trump's America.

[Mark Normand]

This is Trump's America.

[Sam Morril]

Is this coming out the day of the Super Bowl?

[Nick Swartzen]

The eighth, ninth.

[Mark Normand]

That's a day of the Super Bowl. Who do you got?

[Ari Mannis]

Eagles versus Chiefs. Is it okay?

[Sam Morril]

It's hard to bet against the Chiefs.

[Mark Normand]

God, I wanted the Bills to pull.

[Sam Morril]

That out, the Bills to win.

[Mark Normand]

Did you see Allen's breath go out of him when it hit when they got that last first down?

[Sam Morril]

Because the fact that he got that ball off.

[Mark Normand]

He got the ball and it hit him in the hands.

[Sam Morril]

That guy should have come.

[Mark Normand]

And also on fourth down, he made that. That was a first, right. That was right on the line. A couple things went against him there, but he just goes like this.

[Nick Swartzen]

He's.

[Mark Normand]

He's like this. He's like his. And then he. And then you just see this puff of smoke as he breathes out his. His fears and his fucking failures.

[Nick Swartzen]

Just goes.

[Sam Morril]

It's kind of like going against Brady where you just kind of wish you were in another conference. I want to get there because you have to go through the Ravens and the.

[Mark Normand]

This is legacy. Even the old Bills went to the super bowl every year. He's a footnote in 20 years.

[Sam Morril]

Harder now, though, obviously.

[Mark Normand]

Sure, sure. But no one will remember this if you don't go to the show.

[Ari Mannis]

Wait a minute. Did the Eagles play the Chiefs in a Super bowl two years ago? Yeah, I was at that one.

[Sam Morril]

The Chiefs won.

[Ari Mannis]

And the Chiefs won. Went to it with Gillis and Big J and Burt. Yeah. And it was a sad, sad, Gotta make that patch.

[Mark Normand]

And then you're up. Then. Then you. Then you just got to get a field goal.

[Sam Morril]

It felt like that Giants throw when Eli broke through and threw it to Tyree. Except caught it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, this is.

[Ari Mannis]

This is last night.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, the fact that he makes.

[Mark Normand]

It on a receiver's hands in a receivers.

[Ari Mannis]

Was it a honking? Yeah, he's a.

[Mark Normand]

He's Steve Larger in a receiver's hands.

[Ari Mannis]

Ouch.

[Sam Morril]

And then there was a flag and they just. Yeah, that's sad. It's sad when they're like hugging you.

[Mark Normand]

Like sorry right then.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. What a game. Did you hit your wife, Peters?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I did see a black eye out there.

[Mark Normand]

I can understand. I don't say hit your wife, but when you're that mad about a football team and she says just one thing. Wrong, wrong.

[Ari Mannis]

What's that Nick Deo joke? He's like, you never said the nword. I guess you never bet any money on the. The Magic or something like that.

[Sam Morril]

That's his fault for betting on the Magic.

[Mark Normand]

Dump it to the left, bro. Dump it to the left.

[Sam Morril]

Ah, look at that.

[Ari Mannis]

Ah.

[Mark Normand]

But no, you had a guy. Actually, you hit the right guy.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, that hurts.

[Sam Morril]

I'm not saying we could have caught that, but I could have caught that.

[Mark Normand]

10 chances we make a couple of those catches.

[Ari Mannis]

Please. Yep.

[Mark Normand]

He put his hands on it. He wasn't like it over there. He went right to his big mistake.

[Sam Morril]

That sucks.

[Ari Mannis]

Damn. All right, we're never gonna see you again.

[Mark Normand]

Back in. Back in March for like four days. And then. April. April, I'm back. April.

[Ari Mannis]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Why do you decide to go out like this?

[Mark Normand]

I took from June to December off and then I gotta go hard because I was gonna. Wanted to.

[Sam Morril]

I. Yeah, but why. But the question is, why don't you come back in between more.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, well, I scheduled it so I could do press for the special.

[Sam Morril]

Gotcha.

[Mark Normand]

Schedule a week in Nashville weekend la. We can Austin.

[Ari Mannis]

You're all over my algorithm.

[Sam Morril]

Going hard next month. I'm doing 20 cities. Next month.

[Nick Swartzen]

This month.

[Sam Morril]

This month. Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, those are ready, but, yeah, I got the bus. You could see me and.

[Mark Normand]

You're doing the bus?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Who you going with?

[Sam Morril]

Peter.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Sam Morril]

Webb filming. And we got my tour manager, Brian Hubbard. So we're starting on the 11th here. Right.

[Mark Normand]

The booze bags are not.

[Sam Morril]

They will be for the beater drink. He will for this tour, definitely. Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, nola, Memphis, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta and Durham, all in this month.

[Mark Normand]

I did the Bijou and that's where it was. God damn.

[Sam Morril]

I would. I would consider. I heard someone else film there. That's why I was like, it's good. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. I would think that would. You're not filming there, are you? No, no, but I. That's one of those. Where you see it, you're like, oh, yeah. I think.

[Sam Morril]

And the crowds are fucking perfect.

[Mark Normand]

They're happy.

[Ari Mannis]

Dusty Slay film there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. They got New Haven coming up. Providence, a bunch of other ones. Portsmouth, we added a show there. Portland, Maine. Berlin.

[Ari Mannis]

Nice.

[Sam Morril]

Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo. It goes on and on.

[Mark Normand]

Madison, the Orpheum. They send out paper tickets.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, no.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's so old school. That guy, he rules. He talks about any music.

[Sam Morril]

There's going to be paper in that room. I'm doing it Monday, so.

[Ari Mannis]

You're doing some tough markets, too.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you got to go everywhere, baby.

[Ari Mannis]

Hell, yeah. I love it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Balboa is good in San Diego.

[Sam Morril]

Go through my website, please. Don't go buy. Don't hit me up that. Tickets are crazy expensive.

[Mark Normand]

Isn't that crazy? People show up and they go, I paid $180 for these tickets. I'm like, there's still some left for 30.

[Ari Mannis]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

What are you doing? Doing.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah, right.

[Mark Normand]

Go to the guy's website and then.

[Ari Mannis]

They yell at us. Like, we put the prices.

[Sam Morril]

I'm not charging 400 using, though, because you just go. A lot of people just Google.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Tickets, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Just go to our sites.

[Ari Mannis]

Go to. Punch up, for Christ's sake. Hey, I'm in Reno. Not bragging. I'm doing a bunch of casino dates to get a nice purse. And one night only, I'm out of there.

[Mark Normand]

Who cares about the draw? They don't give a fuck. Anyone there is, like, sometimes you're like, don't draw well. You're like, I'm sorry. It goes. I don't care.

[Ari Mannis]

Exactly.

[Mark Normand]

Get off on time, Daddy.

[Sam Morril]

Daycare tour, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ari Mannis]

I'll probably lose it all at the crabs table, but I'll Hit the buffet. Then we're going to Napa, Santa Barbara, Asheville. Makeup date for the hurricane. Bristol, Tennessee. New Brunswick, Ithaca, Rochester, Port Chester, Albany, Burlington, Warsaw. How do you say that? Green Bay, Eugene, San Jose. Well, this goes on and on.

[Sam Morril]

A line about Eugene once, he called it that a. Eugene, Oregon, or the town that make up for God.

[Mark Normand]

Not bad.

[Sam Morril]

Fucking great.

[Ari Mannis]

I think Nike's from there.

[Sam Morril]

They're Portland, aren't they?

[Mark Normand]

Portland? Yeah, right outside Portland. Like an hour. You ever go to that store?

[Sam Morril]

It's not that great, but you get to shop.

[Mark Normand]

You get to just get food.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like you're expecting, like, cool shit. And it's kind of like they're like, yeah, this is our other shit.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, interesting.

[Sam Morril]

It's a Trek. And it ain't great.

[Mark Normand]

It's a Trek. And then the amount of money you spend on a cab out there is like, all right, that's like two pairs of shoes already.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. It's a lot interesting. This is a Jewy conversation.

[Mark Normand]

It could be it. Yeah, it is.

[Sam Morril]

Sounds right.

[Mark Normand]

I bought a pair of slips or whatever they're called.

[Ari Mannis]

Vans.

[Mark Normand]

No, the ones you slip on slides.

[Ari Mannis]

Ah.

[Mark Normand]

Jordan slides. I took them to Southeast Asia by country 3. They sunk so bad, I just soak them overnight in soapy water, pull them out, they still smell.

[Ari Mannis]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, I just gotta dump these.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Some Cambodian villager with wearing some nice slides. No, no.

[Nick Swartzen]

Those are cool, though.

[Sam Morril]

I can't picture you in those.

[Mark Normand]

No, those are cool. It was like some light blue.

[Sam Morril]

Blue.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, those? Yeah, those absorb. Weird.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I had all the dots on it. That's it. That's it. In light blue.

[Ari Mannis]

Can you. Anthony Bourdain must have smelled like complete ass.

[Mark Normand]

God, he must have, you know, eating all that curry.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he's kind of hookers and Bourdain over the weekend. It's like, man, he's so good.

[Ari Mannis]

He's good.

[Mark Normand]

Cool. He's the cool guy.

[Ari Mannis]

Cool as a cucumber.

[Sam Morril]

Kind of fucked up that we live in a world, no offense to Guy Fieri, but where Bourdain kills himself and.

[Ari Mannis]

Guy Fieri is just like, everywhere thriving.

[Sam Morril]

It is a little up.

[Ari Mannis]

I always say Bourdain is Guy Fieri with dep. Depression.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Guy Fieri. It's not too late.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Kill yourself, please.

[Mark Normand]

Guy Fieri ends it all.

[Sam Morril]

He looks like.

[Ari Mannis]

Wow. He looks like an 8 Bert. If he eats one more Boudin ball, he's gonna croak anyway.

[Nick Swartzen]

He got fat.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

I was watching.

[Mark Normand]

I was watching from Smash mouth to smash burger.

[Ari Mannis]

Way to get it out. That's a good one.

[Sam Morril]

He. I was watching one Bourdain in Ukraine.

[Nick Swartzen]

He's just.

[Sam Morril]

They went through like three titles of vodka in one. It was before. It was before the war. War.

[Ari Mannis]

The war.

[Mark Normand]

You didn't hear a Bourdain Smashing vodka. I thought you said Fieri.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, I thought you meant Fieri too. Oh. Oh, yeah. He's a. He's an animal. He's cool. You couldn't have a Jew on this tour because the. The Pepto would go through the roof.

[Mark Normand]

Saw his Gaza, Israel one. It's pretty interesting.

[Sam Morril]

It was good.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really good. He's just like, I don't know. It seems hopeless. This is. Then all the restaurants they had in that we all looked them up. All. All closed.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

A lot were on the border trying to make peace through food. Food.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Didn't work.

[Sam Morril]

Let's just say they do have similar menus.

[Mark Normand]

They do have very similar. There was a long piece about like, who invented the falafel? Was it they can't agree on anything or is it Israel? And then they finally research. It goes Syria.

[Ari Mannis]

Oh, either.

[Sam Morril]

Well, all these places you just throw down borders where you throw them. So it's like they're eating the same.

[Ari Mannis]

Right?

[Mark Normand]

Same.

[Sam Morril]

Russia, Ukraine. You got the pierogies.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I feel like a lot of Russian restaurants just said we're actually Ukraine. Ukrainian. To just get money for business.

[Sam Morril]

Little political maneuver.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Where is it?

[Ari Mannis]

Food Made my eyes wide open.

[Nick Swartzen]

We may have over ordered because we underestimated the portion sizes.

[Mark Normand]

Where is it? I went to one. It was really good.

[Ari Mannis]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

And the East Village is a really good one.

[Ari Mannis]

Get the Gaza Strips.

[Mark Normand]

Israeli food for sure. Shut the up. Influencer voice. I think I might be it. No, that's it. It was really good.

[Sam Morril]

He's gonna make me do this on the road.

[Ari Mannis]

That place is the bomb.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Nick Swartzen]

All right.

[Ari Mannis]

All right. I'm on two hours of sleep. I'm gonna kill my.

[Sam Morril]

I wish you came earlier. Yeah, I know. It's good to see you back again.

[Mark Normand]

Please, in March or April do a full episode.

[Ari Mannis]

He did like a tag team. He left. You showed up.

[Mark Normand]

It was great. He really. He was like, sweet. I'm out.

[Ari Mannis]

Yeah. Yeah. We kind of ran him ragged. We got all.

[Sam Morril]

You got him to the airport, right? Okay, good, good. Hey, we love you guys. We'll see you on the road.

[Nick Swartzen]

Drink.

[Sam Morril]

Bodega Cat. BodegaCatWhiskey.com New Bucks Bottle.

[Ari Mannis]

Hell yeah. New me. Comedy Sunday's the day for my next a bit of P. You know the.

[Nick Swartzen]

Fear Jew's close I've had a little too much burning and Norman's talking about the fucking post and I get down in the same way up on the roof like a Cops coming and naked.

[Ari Mannis]

Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to.

[Nick Swartzen]

Lunch here in New Orleans this woman.

[Ari Mannis]

Doesn'T look like I remember her and.

[Nick Swartzen]

I get down in the same way.

[Mark Normand]

We might be true.