Ep 235: Jordan Jensen

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Might Be Drunk – Episode 235: Jordan Jensen

Release Date: June 9, 2025
Produced by Gotham Production Studios, LLC

In Episode 235 of We Might Be Drunk, hosts Sam Morril and Mark Normand welcome comedian Jordan Jensen to delve into the multifaceted lives of stand-up comedians balancing personal responsibilities and their craft. The episode seamlessly transitions between heartfelt discussions on parenthood, comedic perspectives on everyday annoyances, and engaging anecdotes from their guest's experiences in the comedy scene.

---

1. Navigating Parenthood and Comedy

Mark Normand opens the conversation by reflecting on the profound changes fatherhood has brought to his life. Transitioning from the carefree days of writing jokes and touring, Mark emphasizes the deep emotional connection with his four-month-old son.

Mark Normand [00:17]: “The road used to be just like, write jokes, get drunk, see Denver. Now it's like, my kid, I'm missing him.”

Sam Morril resonates with Mark's sentiments, sharing his own experiences of balancing fatherhood with a demanding comedy schedule. The duo discusses the challenges of maintaining a presence in their child's life despite the rigors of being on the road.

Sam Morril [01:38]: “You gotta make every moment you're back count.”

They touch upon the nuances of modern parenting, such as using FaceTime to stay connected, highlighting how technology bridges the gap between parental responsibilities and their careers.

---

2. The 'Peeves' Segment

A staple of each episode, the hosts dive into their list of daily annoyances, offering humorous takes on common pet peeves:

• Whole Cherry Tomatoes in Salads:

  Sam Morril [08:49]: “Putting a whole cherry tomato, I guess, is a lot of tomato. It's like, this guy's living too high on the hog.”

• Shrimp with Heads Served at Restaurants:

  Mark Normand [09:36]: “You’re like, wait, so now I got to pull this shit off, then put it back in. Like, what are we doing here?”

• Cold or Messy Takeout Containers:

  Sam Morril [13:14]: “It honestly bugs me to open a can and then take two sips too. It's like a double peeve.”

These segments not only provide relatable humor but also showcase the hosts' ability to find comedy in the mundane aspects of daily life.

---

3. Guest Spotlight: Jordan Jensen

Jordan Jensen shares his journey in the comedy world, discussing the highs and lows of performing live. He recounts his initial nerve-wracking experiences and how subsequent shows became more relaxed as he became accustomed to different audiences.

• Facing Hecklers:

  Jordan Jensen [25:01]: “I had to be like, there's no way you laugh like that.”

• Handling Critical Feedback:

  Mark Normand [31:36]: “It's a good thing you didn't take all the hate personally.”

Jordan candidly talks about dealing with difficult audience members and the importance of maintaining composure on stage. His anecdotes about confrontations and the dynamics between performers and their audiences add depth to the conversation.

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4. Relationship Dynamics and Personal Boundaries

The trio delves into the complexities of relationships, particularly within the demanding life of touring comedians. They explore themes such as:

• Balancing Personal Life with Professional Obligations:

  Jordan Jensen [77:06]: “I want to be the dog. It's also, like, a bit of a form of weakness to me.”

• Navigating Advances and Maintaining Boundaries:

  Jordan Jensen [43:16]: “Every time I drink, I have sex with somebody I hated.”

These discussions highlight the struggle comedians face in maintaining healthy relationships amidst a lifestyle that often prioritizes work over personal connections.

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5. Touring Tales and City Insights

The conversation shifts to their experiences performing in various cities, offering humorous observations about different locales:

• Comedy Scenes in Upstate New York and Beyond:

  Mark Normand [67:16]: “Well, the cold is so bad. It keeps people out.”

• Unique Cultural Observations:

  Jordan Jensen [68:43]: “The Somali thing is so funny. The fact that it's all these Midwesterners that are so sweet and then like the blackest people.”

They share stories from tours, including encounters with fans, the quirks of performing in diverse environments, and the universal challenges faced by comedians on the road.

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6. Mental Health and Personal Struggles

Mark Normand opens up about his experiences with trauma and how it has shaped his life and comedy.

Mark Normand [86:12]: “I had a weird childhood... break-ins and a bad home.”

Jordan Jensen discusses his battles with anorexia and the coping mechanisms he employed, such as using humor and sexual relationships to manage his weight and self-esteem.

Jordan Jensen [36:11]: “I have a problem with consumption... food, sex, love, candy. So if it's booze, I can't. But candy will not alter who I am.”

These vulnerable moments provide a deeper understanding of the personal toll that life on the road and societal expectations can have on individuals, even those who present a comedic front.

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7. Upcoming Projects and Tour Dates

The episode concludes with Jordan Jensen promoting his upcoming special, tentatively titled "Take Me With You", slated for a September release on Netflix. He shares his aspirations and the hard work behind preparing for the special, while Sam and Mark encourage listeners to support his endeavors.

Jordan Jensen [81:50]: “I have my best friend and my dog waiting for me at the hotel.”

Additionally, the hosts exchange banter about future tour dates and the logistics of promoting comedy specials, emphasizing the camaraderie and support within the comedy community.

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Notable Quotes

• Mark Normand [00:17]: “The road used to be just like, write jokes, get drunk, see Denver. Now it's like, my kid, I'm missing him.”

• Sam Morril [08:49]: “Putting a whole cherry tomato, I guess, is a lot of tomato. It's like, this guy's living too high on the hog.”

• Jordan Jensen [36:11]: “I have a problem with consumption... food, sex, love, candy. So if it's booze, I can't. But candy will not alter who I am.”

---

Conclusion

Episode 235 of We Might Be Drunk offers a rich tapestry of humor, personal reflection, and insightful discussions about the life of comedians. Through the candid conversations with Jordan Jensen, Sam Morril, and Mark Normand, listeners gain an intimate glimpse into the balancing act between personal life and the pursuit of laughter. The episode not only entertains but also invites empathy and understanding for those who navigate the challenging yet rewarding world of stand-up comedy.

For more episodes and to join Sam and Mark on their humorous journey, tune into We Might Be Drunk each week.

Transcript

[Mark Normand]

We're starting.

[Sam Morril]

We're starting.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah? Before we were rolling, you were just talking. It was interesting to me. I was like, maybe we should roll on this. Because you were talking about doing Europe and having a kid.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yeah. It's a whole new part of the road now. The road used to be just like, write jokes, get drunk, see Denver. Now it's like, my kid, I'm missing him. And you gotta think he's four months old. So his life is like. Like 15 days out of his life is a. That's a third.

[Sam Morril]

You're missing stuff.

[Mark Normand]

I'm missing stuff.

[Sam Morril]

Did you miss anything big?

[Mark Normand]

Nothing big, but she's like, he rolled over. Which is so funny. Like talking about a human. Like, he rolled over. What the. You know, it's like a celebrity. Like, oh, my God, she took a nap. But the kid is doing. He almost said a word. She was like, he. He was like, where's dad at? His first word. His first word was neglect. But, yeah, so. But I'm back because she went away.

[Sam Morril]

You can miss a word even if you're here.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, good point.

[Sam Morril]

You could miss a word if you're at this podcast.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good point. But I think something about being overseas.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, you were. Where were you when I said my first word? Iceland. That is rough.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. It's like I'm trying to get as far away from them as possible. I feel like Polanski. He had a different issue with a kid.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. But no, but you're aware of it. That's gonna make you, I think, a good dad, that you're conscious. You're like, ok, I'm gonna. Like, I'm with Veter all the time on the road. He's got two kids, a third on the way, and he's so aware, like, yes, I'm gonna make every moment I'm back count. That's what you gotta do.

[Mark Normand]

And your FaceTime. FaceTime with the kid, which he doesn't really get. He's too stupid now. But, like, you're trying and.

[Sam Morril]

Because we didn't have that growing up.

[Mark Normand]

No, good point.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, it's crazy that you, like, it's innate, these devices.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

They just kind of get it from birth. It's like a language 100%.

[Mark Normand]

And they're. You ever seen that old video where the kid is swiping on a magazine picture? It's. It's heartbreaking. But yeah, you're right. They learn it so quick because they're born with it. You know, it's like being born with a fork, you know, you just know what to do. You don't have to learn.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So, yeah, the. But the kid. So she went away for a few days for a bachelorette party and she came back and the baby was like. I think it like, didn't know how to emote. Like, I missed you.

[Sam Morril]

It was just you and the baby.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

And that's like.

[Sam Morril]

That's a dad and a baby is like a movie.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

The mom and the baby are like. But I feel like without the mom is. You need the mom more. You're in the mom.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. So there's more of a connection. When I came back, he was like.

[Sam Morril]

It'S like a dog.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's like a dog.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, his ass was wagging. It was cute. But with her, when she went away, it's definitely. There's more mom connection. So he was like. He was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle. They don't know how to be like, whoa, it's so good to see you. They're like, you know, I was more.

[Sam Morril]

Attached to my mom for obvious reasons.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But big neglect going on here. The dad.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Rip.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry about that. I didn't know if I should text.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's fine.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, it was like, it's literally. His wife called me and said, he's. He's gone. I was like, I've heard that before. So bad time for a joke. But yeah, no, she. I was just like, yeah. You know, I don't really know him.

[Mark Normand]

That well, but no funeral.

[Sam Morril]

I think they had. Well, they were like, we're having a funeral at the. At the Buddhist temple. And I said, nice try. You don't get to just become a Buddhist right late in life because you were a piece of shit.

[Mark Normand]

Well, he did have no objects, you know, including you. So it's something. I got a minimalist. I got a dad question for you.

[Sam Morril]

My dad's been gone for forever.

[Mark Normand]

Like he left when I was a kid. He's got cancer now. I've seen him like twice in my entire life. I don't even know what kind.

[Sam Morril]

His new wife sent me a message on Facebook.

[Mark Normand]

Your dad's Biden.

[Sam Morril]

Should I based like your.

[Mark Normand]

Do you have a hindsight with your dad?

[Sam Morril]

Like, should I reconnect cuz he's gonna die or. Is a good question. I think you've never met him, right? Once as an adult. Once, isn't it?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And once as a kid.

[Sam Morril]

How was it as an Adult.

[Mark Normand]

It was very weird.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, if they're not there, they're not there. I think you're searching for something that doesn't exist.

[Mark Normand]

I think that's movie shit.

[Sam Morril]

It is movie shit. It's like, you know, Darth Vader and Luke, I'm your father.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. All right.

[Sam Morril]

But you weren't great. Yeah, you weren't great. I mean, that's the thing. I was searching for this moment that didn't exist. And then I remember he wrote, like, a note, left a note in, like, a safety deposit box. And I was like. And then I had a great dad raised me, so I was just kind of. Did you have a dad in the picture? No. So you have, like, this void. It's tough. I just don't think you're gonna get closure from it.

[Mark Normand]

I agree.

[Sam Morril]

Let him die.

[Mark Normand]

And why give him the gift of meeting you, not meeting you? Like, you're a fun guy, nice guy, successful guy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you're just helping him out now. Now he's like, hey, my son's pretty cool.

[Sam Morril]

You're making him feel better about it.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

I wasn't really mad. You sound like a parent. I was like, I wasn't mad. I was kind of just, like, disappointed.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that could be a bit.

[Sam Morril]

I wasn't like. Yeah, but I wasn't funny. Yeah. You end up turning in a parent, talking to them, but then. But of course. Because you're expected to take. If they neglect you, and then you go back into their life, you are taking. It's so fucking ironic. Oh, I'm taking care of you.

[Mark Normand]

Right? So.

[Sam Morril]

No, I didn't go to the funeral. I don't think his other son did either, to be honest. Maybe he did. I don't know. But I haven't met him. It's a whole other thing over there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. What are you gonna get out of that, then? You gotta waste a day, put a suit on, go to a Buddhist temple. Like, I don't think you're gonna see him and go, all right, this chapter is closed, or whatever. It's not like some Sex in the City moment.

[Sam Morril]

Well, she said his wife on the phone said something like, he was a good man. I said, he wasn't. It's just something you say when someone dies. But, you know, I was like, nah, I don't mean to be offensive. He was, you know, he just died. So that's what you say.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

That's why funerals are weirdly dishonest.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Because if you go up and say the absolute Truth. It's cruel.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

But if you bend it, you know, he. I guess there's ways to bend things in a way that's appropriate. But funerals always. Unless it's a good person.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Then you're bummed the person's dead.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. So if you're not into the guy, I don't think it's worth going, no, you can't be real anyway. And I think this is kind of a win. Like, he fucked you over. Now you're like, I'm skipping this. That's what you get.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. It's not a win. It's just a nothing.

[Mark Normand]

All right. It's nothing.

[Sam Morril]

Show up to the funeral. I win.

[Mark Normand]

You get the next thing. We win.

[Sam Morril]

We went. Yeah. Do we have peeves? You pull up some peeves.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, there's Trump that you got to see.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, what is this? Yeah. What were you. What is it?

[Mark Normand]

So he says. He goes on whatever. Fox News, and he says the N word.

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Mark Normand]

But that's the funny part. He goes, you know, we're trying to avoid the N word. And the guy's like, huh? The anchor. And he's like, you know the N bomb? And the guy's like, what do you mean? And Trump's like, you know what I mean? And he goes, nuclear. And he's like, yes, nuclear. And you're like, jesus, you can't say the N bomb is nuclear. He's just sat out to lunch.

[Sam Morril]

But it's almost, like, not racist if that's how you think of it.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Really? A nuclear bomb is much worse than.

[Mark Normand]

The N word, that's for sure. Yeah. N word can't wipe out Asia, then bomb, I guess.

[Sam Morril]

Let's. Yeah, let's see it.

[Mark Normand]

It's just classic Trump being retarded. Thank you for the clarification.

[Sam Morril]

That's a very nasty word.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

In a lot of ways, the N.

[Mark Normand]

Word used in a nuclear. In a sense, that's the worst thing that could happen. And I think they were very close. The hatred was. What is he. Is he tiptoeing on the line there? Is he trying to be funny? Does he actually think that's the N word? It's weird.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. That's weird. I mean, would you have done that to, like, Don Lemon or something? Like a black anchor?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, good question.

[Sam Morril]

Then it would have been pretty uncomfortable.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, man.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I guess the N word and the end, you got to. You got to avoid both.

[Mark Normand]

You got to avoid.

[Sam Morril]

Not. Not do either.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I don't want either of my neighborhood. Yeah, I just had. I was just howling at that at home. I had to show you. Do you cross the street where the nuke is coming?

[Jordan Jensen]

The world?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, there you go. Nuclear with attitude. Okay, what do we have?

[Sam Morril]

Some peeves from listeners. We have a bunch. Oh, you want. Should we do it for you?

[Mark Normand]

This is amazing. What a segment.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I was like, fuck it. We do peeves on you. People seem to like, I like the peeves section.

[Mark Normand]

Peeves hit home like you wouldn't believe. When I do shows and I'm like, anything in the news, they always go peeves.

[Sam Morril]

I know, Same. I always have to have a couple locked.

[Mark Normand]

I got to start locking.

[Sam Morril]

So what do we have when people put whole cherry tomatoes in a salad?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, interesting.

[Sam Morril]

It's. It's not, like, the top of my list, but I can see.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You know who hates this peeve is third world countries. They're like, oh, you got a whole tomato in your salad. What a nightmare.

[Sam Morril]

I don't. Yeah. It's never been a thing, I guess. Is it because it seems lazy? Like they just threw it in?

[Mark Normand]

I guess so. And, like, putting a whole cherry tomato, I guess, is a lot of tomato, I guess. Yeah. This guy's living too high on the hog. Like, oh, sorry you had to eat a tomato.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, this is. This is one that doesn't really.

[Mark Normand]

I hate the salad. The wedge salad. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I love it.

[Mark Normand]

I like a wedge salad because it tastes. But I gotta. I gotta do the work. I gotta cut it up. I gotta make a salad.

[Sam Morril]

That's a good point. I do kind of like a wedge.

[Mark Normand]

Something fun about a wedge. So hearty. It's a big hunk of crunchy lettuce.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know what is a peeve is the shrimp guy. You know, the guy who gives you the shrimp at the Thai restaurant. And you got to get the heads off.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I hate the shrimp.

[Mark Normand]

Or it's pasta with shrimp in it. You're like, wait, so now I got to pull this shit off, then put it back in. Like, what are we doing here?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you know the heads people are like, well, it's more. It's. It means it's more fresh. Okay, I don't give a shit. Give me frozen shrimp with no head.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

I don't want head.

[Mark Normand]

Like my marriage.

[Sam Morril]

No head. No, I don't want head. I love his fucking back to school. The other night just. It was just on. I was like, fuck it. Don't knock Vanessa. She gets great headache.

[Mark Normand]

That's a Good line about that joke.

[Sam Morril]

That's such a dumb, quick, great line.

[Mark Normand]

I love that.

[Sam Morril]

Great headache. When white people are abnormally interested in the Civil War. This is another. It's kind of a strange one.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I get annoyed by it. Like, if someone's a buff of Civil War. Buff. Civil war, World War II, whatever.

[Sam Morril]

So you hate Ken Burns now, right?

[Mark Normand]

Let. Let the guy be interested. At least he's in. Into this and not meth.

[Sam Morril]

That's, you know, more information. Like, maybe. Maybe this is like a weird. Is like a Civil War reenactment type guy or something. Oh, that's a little weird.

[Mark Normand]

Good. That's very weird. Yeah. Maybe this is a guy, a black guy with a white friend who's way into that.

[Sam Morril]

Interesting.

[Mark Normand]

And he's like, it's a locker with the slavery north south thing. So maybe that's good.

[Sam Morril]

Books on it. I mean, like, I don't know. I have no issue with this one either. I mean, this is not a peeve of mine.

[Mark Normand]

I guess abnormally means, like, he's got posters on his wall of, you know, whistling Dixie and the flag. You're right.

[Sam Morril]

Abnormally does.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like. All right, like, you have a Confederate flag on your property.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, that's a little weird.

[Sam Morril]

All right, I'll give you that. Problem.

[Mark Normand]

The Confederate flag is. It's a cool looking flag.

[Sam Morril]

Is it?

[Mark Normand]

Well, it's just a cool. Like, if that was a flag that represented something good, you'd be like, oh, I want to fly this.

[Sam Morril]

The branding was on point.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

It's like. It's like the Nazis with the uniforms. They were well made.

[Mark Normand]

Well made.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Look at it. Doesn't look bad.

[Mark Normand]

That's a.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's.

[Sam Morril]

I like our American flag, but. Yeah, I do too, but it's not bad.

[Mark Normand]

But you put that on a. On that Dukes of Hazard car. That's a badass car.

[Sam Morril]

Doesn't look. Yeah, I mean, look, you get Hugo Boss making your uniforms too. It's like, you're gonna look good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, branding is important.

[Sam Morril]

It's a bummer. Like, you. You want. You want to be dressed by, like, some. I don't. I'm. I don't know what a shitty designer is, but.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, that's a cool car. God damn it. It's crazy. This was. I think these were different times.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, dude. What else we got?

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Morril]

Entering a closed door and not closing it behind you.

[Mark Normand]

I'm with you on that one.

[Sam Morril]

That's pretty annoying.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. These people just walk in, walk out. No clothes, raising a barn.

[Sam Morril]

I Had it. Because my front door at home doesn't just shut on me, too. And so people just do it and leave it open. I'm like, what? What are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

I know. And I have a cat, so that things, like, could run out. So I'm big on the door close.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, no, it's the door closed. Just being oblivious is a peeve. That's being oblivious.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

Fucking not paying attention to your life.

[Mark Normand]

Because you're basically saying, I want to go in this door, and I'm not worried about you, so I'm going in the closing. It is a consideration.

[Sam Morril]

I got a similar one. I have a friend who always does this. They'll come over, open a seltzer, take like, two sips, and then, like, put it back in the fridge. I'm like, what the fuck is that?

[Mark Normand]

What the fuck?

[Sam Morril]

I'm like, so you think, I want to finish your fucking seltzer?

[Mark Normand]

Are we talking to.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, can.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's insane. At least with the top, there's some kind of seal is fine.

[Sam Morril]

I have no issue with the top.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, there's a sealant there, but.

[Sam Morril]

But the opening the can and then, like, you think I want that shit? Just fucking throw it out or. It honestly bugs me to open a can and then take two sips too. It's like a double peeve.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And it's gonna be flat by the time you get it, even if you were gonna drink it. Is this salicy?

[Sam Morril]

It's not salad.

[Mark Normand]

Because every week I have to throw away a half full can.

[Sam Morril]

Does he do that? Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, we're gonna have to razz him.

[Sam Morril]

It was. Honestly, It's Rachel Feinstein.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, but why put it.

[Sam Morril]

I said person. So I was trying to make it with him.

[Mark Normand]

Like, you know what?

[Sam Morril]

Who gives a shit?

[Mark Normand]

All right?

[Sam Morril]

She knows she does shit like that.

[Mark Normand]

When she comes back here, we're giving her a flat, hot can of soda that's been opened. I don't care for that.

[Sam Morril]

I'll save one of Sally kisses.

[Mark Normand]

When I was a kid, I would throw parties, like, in high school and college, and I. It was always a beer bottle with this much beer. Drank it out of it because people just want to hold it. I'm like, no, no, no, You're. You hold that. You're drinking it.

[Sam Morril]

Wastefulness is a p. Yes.

[Mark Normand]

I'm not giving you a prop for the. For the party.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I had some people over for the Knicks game. We had Mexican food. I ordered a shitload of tacos just so everyone had, like, tacos. To choose.

[Mark Normand]

Love it. Love it.

[Sam Morril]

But then there was, like, nine or ten taco boxes left. You better believe I fucking ate those in the fridge. I'm eating those. Yeah, those are leftovers every day of the week. Tacos.

[Mark Normand]

100% would have done the same thing. Yeah, pizza. Whatever's left, I'll eat it.

[Sam Morril]

Love a good. I don't mind a cold pizza either.

[Mark Normand]

I'll go one further. I take a bunch of people out to eat. If they don't finish it, I take it home.

[Sam Morril]

It will. Do they try to take it home first? No, no.

[Mark Normand]

If they want to take it home, that's fine. But sometimes they're like, no, I never want to see that steak again. I'm like, that's half a steak. I'll bring it home.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, fuck, yeah, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's wasteful as fuck. Also, I kind of like the takeout box.

[Mark Normand]

Me too.

[Sam Morril]

With the box. It's like a. It's like a pleasurable memory.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

I like it.

[Mark Normand]

It's exciting. Yeah. And, you know, nuking it up, that old Chinese food, it's. It's fun.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. It's good to see a box the next day you don't regret. Am I right? Oh, man. When I. When I change. When I. When I get change and they put it on the counter instead of handing it to me.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, interesting.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, this is, like, the one person still paying with cash.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I'm a cash guy.

[Sam Morril]

You still do a lot of cash.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, if you look at my.

[Sam Morril]

Wallet, got cash on me. But it's. It's just to have it, just in case.

[Mark Normand]

I got hundreds in here. Look at this.

[Sam Morril]

Hundreds. Yeah, I guess I got a few twenties. I'm not. Nothing crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I'll do you one further. I'm going international.

[Sam Morril]

Well, what is that from?

[Mark Normand]

London?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, nice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So what are you doing with that?

[Mark Normand]

You get Churchill?

[Sam Morril]

Good old. Good old Winston.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, I just.

[Sam Morril]

He was. He was. I mean, he would have been a good. We might be drunk. Oh, fucking booster. We should do a church. I thought I saw Bert doing the. The Churchill Martini. We should do a Martini app.

[Mark Normand]

I'm gonna throw you for a loop here. I might have a drink.

[Sam Morril]

I'll do one.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, I don't want to push you. I'm just saying it's been a tough weekend. We haven't had a drink on here in a while.

[Sam Morril]

Let's do it. What should we do? I mean, I could do a martini.

[Mark Normand]

I could do a martini, but I don't trust him to make it.

[Sam Morril]

I'll make it. Can we get the ice? Yeah. What the fuck do we have?

[Mark Normand]

Vermouth and a little Driver Moose.

[Sam Morril]

And do you want to go vodka or gin? What do you think?

[Mark Normand]

I'm a vodka man.

[Sam Morril]

All right, let's do vodka.

[Mark Normand]

I like the potato liquor.

[Sam Morril]

Do we have the potato? Is that a gluten thing?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Well, like a little Grey Goose.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I love Grey Goose.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy. They made liquor out of potatoes.

[Sam Morril]

It's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

I know. Well, like, how do they figure that out?

[Sam Morril]

How did the Irish not just own all vodka?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

The fact that they didn't get on top of all that shit.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Sam Morril]

They're like the potato people.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, they had. Didn't have any.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And that. The whole thing. They had a famine.

[Sam Morril]

I know, but they're. Boise, Idaho. How come we don't have a good. Like. But maybe there is a good one.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great point. Boise should be the vodka capital of America.

[Sam Morril]

Great city, by the way. I'd never been there.

[Mark Normand]

Great city.

[Sam Morril]

That was killer, man.

[Mark Normand]

Great room. Great comedy people there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Is that where Caitlin Clark is in?

[Sam Morril]

She plays for the Indiana Fever. I don't know where she's from.

[Mark Normand]

Indiana Fever. That's right.

[Sam Morril]

She's fucking amazing.

[Mark Normand]

She is so good.

[Sam Morril]

I'm a fan.

[Mark Normand]

And you should go to a game. And it's right, by the way, dude, when the WNBA plays this, my neighborhood is, like, bumping the lesbians come out.

[Sam Morril]

Is this. Oh, dirty. Are we going dirty? Yeah, it's called a little dirty. What the fuck? And the driver mood. Oh, yeah, I love it.

[Mark Normand]

But yeah, she's great. And she's such a. She's got, like, great character. Like, she'll get fucked with on. On the court, and she'll just. She'll just make it rain instead of, like, fighting back. And she never goes in on people online.

[Sam Morril]

She's, I think, well raised with Angel. Reese is, like, great for the sport. Oh, that.

[Mark Normand]

You need. Definitely.

[Sam Morril]

You need some. You need some people to dislike each other.

[Mark Normand]

It's the female Larry Bird Jordan. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Although the argument is that angel ain't nearly as good. Yeah, but. But you know what? She's putting up fucking big numbers. She's good. I mean, yeah, we should go to a game, get some fucking. Get some drinks in us.

[Mark Normand]

I would love to heckle pre game at my house.

[Sam Morril]

Heckle. Let's do it.

[Mark Normand]

Put on a Fever jersey and head over.

[Sam Morril]

No, you got to put on a Liberty jersey, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Sam Morril]

Got to support the New York team. Okay, should we do another. What do we got When I. Oh, yeah. How do you feel about the change? Are you, like, handing it to you? What is it?

[Mark Normand]

I'm okay with it. That doesn't bother me.

[Sam Morril]

But some people have bad hygiene, too, and I'm not a germaphobe. I hate touching a sweaty hand.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you get those after the show.

[Sam Morril]

Well, dude, I also, like. My hand will get. We all get sweaty. But when my hand's sweaty, I don't force a handshake.

[Mark Normand]

You go.

[Sam Morril]

Or I just do a fist bump. I just don't. I hate a sweaty. It's nothing more disgusting than your sweaty fucking hand.

[Mark Normand]

I completely agree.

[Sam Morril]

I hate it. Sweat.

[Mark Normand]

And then you think of all the germs that you've already had on your hand, and now they're coagulated in the sweat. It's bad.

[Sam Morril]

It's bad.

[Mark Normand]

I would go one further. I do the fist bump as well, but some people won't do it. They're like. And I'm like.

[Sam Morril]

And they're like, like, what is this, Mad Men? You can't fucking.

[Mark Normand]

That's Paper, rock, scissors.

[Sam Morril]

You can't fucking. No, but it's so. These people are like men shaking.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

No, I. Sometimes I. I'll do a fist bump.

[Mark Normand]

Give me a fist bump. Come on. But, yeah, some people just won't do it. They're like. We shake. I'm like, all right.

[Sam Morril]

I like a fist bump.

[Mark Normand]

I do, too.

[Sam Morril]

I'm kind of pumped for the. You know what I wasn't going to drink. But you know what? I can't let you drink alone either, so what the hell?

[Mark Normand]

Those are deep.

[Sam Morril]

I love the. I like the big ones, too, because they. Should I measure this or what?

[Mark Normand]

Unless you want to eyeball it. I eyeball it. I don't like too much Vermouth.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, just a dab.

[Mark Normand]

Just a dab.

[Sam Morril]

You're like a Churchill.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, hey, you got any olives? Is a Win Green? Whole olives. Perfect.

[Sam Morril]

Man. You know what movie I fucking rewatched last night? I mean, we both seen it a bunch of times. I was texting you in Salacus. Taxi Driver is so.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, dude. Classic Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks Double Shepherd.

[Sam Morril]

It's just a funny first name to mention. Yeah, dude, Taxi Driver. Dude, Albert Brooks.

[Mark Normand]

I go with the comedian.

[Sam Morril]

Funny movie.

[Mark Normand]

I'm a comedian. Friendly.

[Sam Morril]

No, he's great in it. I mean, it's. And he plays kind of a wimp, too. Because anyone would look like a wimp next to that psychopath.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. He had nothing to lose. But that was like one of the first antihero movies.

[Sam Morril]

I know, dude. It's so especially like for an American movie to be that fucking. Like just dark and fucked up. Like. Yeah, like creepy stalker, incel like. But then also like the fact that he pulls Cybill shepherd for a second. You're like, are you fucking kidding me?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So hot.

[Mark Normand]

I know. She's gorgeous. That movie. I mean, what a run he had with this raging bull. Mean streets, like that 70s era. They all were friends. Brian De Palma, don't forget After Hours. Oh, after Hours. Yeah. Scorsese, De Palma, Spielberg, George Lucas. Like just a peck and paw. Just a great crew.

[Sam Morril]

It was like such a crew.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Coppola. It felt like movies were art now movies are Hawkeye and Queefman.

[Sam Morril]

You know, Queef Man.

[Mark Normand]

Back then a movie was a movie. It was dark, it was gritty, it was real.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, dude. And then. Well, yeah. What other peeves we have? We got some.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, we.

[Sam Morril]

Man, this is. I'm kind of pumped for Martini.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, you had one. You missed. I hate when people walk out in front of traffic. And I'm with you on that. I hate this guy. He thinks cuz he does this, he's allowed to walk in front of traffic. What is that? You're still breaking the law.

[Sam Morril]

You still. Wait, I have to. I am. I am really annoying with this shit because I'm so annoyed by the. You know, I used to always be like a cheat the lane type of guy as a walker.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And now with the scooters and the bikes and shit, it's fucking impossible.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah, I'm walking here. Another great seven.

[Sam Morril]

Improvised.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Improvised. That line.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Sam Morril]

Pretty cool.

[Mark Normand]

So is the reaction from the cabbie real as well?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. It must be.

[Mark Normand]

It must be drift, right? Because he really slams on that hood. He took a risk.

[Sam Morril]

So how light do you want me to go on this vermouth? Like very light or just.

[Mark Normand]

I just don't like it oily.

[Sam Morril]

I don't like it oily either.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Oh, that's a fresh bottle right there, boy.

[Sam Morril]

What do you say? Go like one shot? Yeah. Yes, that works. Even a little less maybe.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, maybe a little less. So we could always add more. When someone pulls out in front of me in traffic, forcing me to hit my brakes and then they go really slow. Oh, I'm with the. I'm with you on that. On the road and in walking.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You get a guy who cuts in front of you on the sidewalk because he has to be in front of you, and then he walks two miles an hour.

[Sam Morril]

I fucking hate that. I don't know what it is. Because we hate to feel trapped.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

That's what it is. You feel trapped, but then you're like, I have nowhere to go either. I fucking hate that shit. But I've been. But I do hate when people slow walkers on the street, like, it all comes back to being oblivious people who don't pay attention.

[Mark Normand]

And then sometimes you'll blow past them, and they're like, jeez. And you're like, well, why do I have to go the speed limit? You want to go like, I don't want to go to your speed. I want to go my speed. So you go your speed. Let me go my speed. Oh, speaking of speed, is that her? Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Here we go.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hey.

[Mark Normand]

32 minutes late in here, you big black queef.

[Sam Morril]

We thought you. Yeah, you got to follow. You got to fall off the wagon for that one. That's. What. What. What happened?

[Jordan Jensen]

You want to know the truth or the fake truth?

[Sam Morril]

That's another.

[Mark Normand]

Both.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really? Fake truth. Trans up, real truth. Big fight with person I'm dating.

[Mark Normand]

Big fight. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Big fight. Big fighty fight.

[Mark Normand]

What's her name?

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, her name's Big Gail.

[Mark Normand]

Oprah's chick?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Come on. She's a scissor queen. I really didn't know that little Steadman thing. That's a ruse.

[Sam Morril]

She's gay. It is hard to picture a dick going in her.

[Mark Normand]

That's all I think about.

[Jordan Jensen]

I can picture it if she's on top, you know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

But she fluctuates with the weight, and.

[Jordan Jensen]

She goes, you get a. You get a.

[Sam Morril]

This could be. Tell me what you think of this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. Do you guys really get drunk on this?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, every time he said he wanted a drink, I can't let my buddy drink alone, so no pressure.

[Jordan Jensen]

How's.

[Mark Normand]

Should I wait for you or. That's Gail. That's her lady partner.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like her business. What is she?

[Sam Morril]

Ostensibly, they're friends to Jordan Jensen's new special.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. We got you one over there.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want yours. Oh, yeah. I did a special.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. At the Gramercy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Why? How's. How so.

[Jordan Jensen]

Showed up. Showed up. Floating out of the sky like a little cherub. Emerged after my first show.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

And said, not really.

[Mark Normand]

Oh. Oh. I thought you had him on pulley or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

Could you imagine? It felt like that. Because after the first show. The first show is scary tight. Way too. Way too aware of cameras.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

He showed up, and he was like a merge out of nowhere when first show's always weird. And I was like, really? Where did you come from? And he's like, yeah, everybody hates the first show. Second show, you'll crush. And I was like, thank God you're here, because I just.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you've heard that before, though.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've heard people go, you get the first show, and then you hang out the second show. Because the first show, you're like, I got it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but you don't always get the first show. You can't. You can't possibly always get it. The first show was like, shows tight sometimes.

[Mark Normand]

Tight.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, because they were not drunk. And we were all just, like, up by the crane. There was a heckler I had to flip out at.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And she. You know, the cackle. Heckles. Oh, you hate the cackle.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

During the premise setup, she's like. And I had to be like, there's no way you laugh like that. There's no way. You go to dinner with your friends, and while they're setting up a story, go.

[Sam Morril]

You want to be. You want to make the cut?

[Jordan Jensen]

You want to make the cut?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You want to go, that's me. You hear it?

[Mark Normand]

And I flipped out in a weird, twisted way. I bet she opened you up a little bit, because, you know, you're in your head. You're up your own ass. It's a special. It's a taping. You go yell at this lady. And now it kind of cuts the tension.

[Jordan Jensen]

It made tension because I went in on her.

[Mark Normand]

Maybe you could use that in the promo.

[Jordan Jensen]

I will use it. I will use it. At one point, she said, ew. And it was like, about. I was, like, describing a part of my body. She goes, ew. And then I made a whole riff on that about.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Morril]

I hate when people. What was. What did she say? Ooh, too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, I was talking about something gross. I was talking about how I lost a bunch of weight so I had loose skin that I got cut off. Yeah. And she went, oh, I wanted to.

[Sam Morril]

Be on your side here.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know, I know, I know, I know. And then I talk. And then I was like, it's fucked up that men have to, like, present their penis to women like this. Like, they have to be like, and here's my one flesh sack I've had my whole life. And yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, that's fucked. That's annoying.

[Mark Normand]

I hate this. She was.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, I wanted to. I mean, I truly was, like, hexing her.

[Sam Morril]

I did a child molestation joke in Salt Lake and a woman. Woman went out. Oh, that's messed up. And I was like, oh, how brave.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

How brave that you're against child molestation.

[Jordan Jensen]

So everybody knows I don't fuck kids.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's brutal.

[Mark Normand]

I had a woman the other night doing this front row going. And I'm like, it's doing well, so who cares what your dumb head.

[Sam Morril]

I know, but she wants to fuck with you.

[Mark Normand]

I guess so.

[Sam Morril]

Wants attention.

[Jordan Jensen]

She wants to fuck you. That's what I always think. I'm like, you're trying to fuck me right now.

[Sam Morril]

Mark tried to fuck her after the show, though. And she did this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. She was a gale, if you know what I mean.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, a gale.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But during a special taping to Heaven.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Don't they make an announcement or something? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Big announcement. I blame being Ian.

[Mark Normand]

Did you boot her?

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, that's the thing is that the PAs kept getting too scared to boot her.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then the director was like, I'm so sorry. I should have kicked her out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But I was. But then the second show is fine. One girl started saying something like she would. After I would say every punchline would be like. And say it. And my sister, who's scarier than me, went up to her and was like, you better shut the fuck up. And was. Yeah, My sister's like, a little bit like, hot white trash.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Right now. Pull her up. Can I tell you, my friend, non comedian went to the show and he didn't know who you were. No offense, but he's great. He went with a person who did know who you were. And I said, how was the show? And he goes, I'm a huge fan now. I didn't know her. Now I'm on board and I want to know more.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow, that's great.

[Sam Morril]

Wow. So that's, like the nicest thing you could say.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know which one he went to, but it was.

[Jordan Jensen]

The late show was sick. Oh, yeah, there's my sister right there on the end.

[Sam Morril]

So were you. Were you tense on the late show, or were you kind of loose as hell?

[Jordan Jensen]

Loose is. I was like, fuck. I switched the whole lineup.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I was like, I didn't. I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to switch it around.

[Mark Normand]

And it went better.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was great.

[Mark Normand]

It was hell yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What made. But if you were like, that first show suck, what made you lose? I would probably be like, fuck, I got a nail.

[Jordan Jensen]

Stavros, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, just stop. That's.

[Jordan Jensen]

Stavros was like, do not. So long as you said the jokes correctly, it'll be fine. And then the second show, the audience was loose. My boys got off stage and were like. Jake got off stage and was like, dude, way different.

[Sam Morril]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Both the boys were like.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

They were, like, super tight and weird. And then the second show, I think the second show also, everybody had been like, do crowd work to warm it up. And I didn't. The second show, I did not do that. Cause the first show, it was weird to do crowd work because everybody knows what's up, Right. So the second show, everybody's like, okay.

[Sam Morril]

We have to do it at a taping.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes. So the second show, I was like, no crowd work. We're just going into it hot and ready.

[Sam Morril]

Crowd works like, the fuck around. And you're like, this is a special.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Just weird.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I've done it a little bit in specials, but it's usually at the end, I'm just fucking around. Yeah. I'm just killing time before the closer or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hiccups are fun.

[Sam Morril]

Do you like pickups? I hate pickups. You like them?

[Mark Normand]

Well, you just, like, you're gonna nail it clean. And you're. You don't care anymore. There's low stakes with a pickup.

[Jordan Jensen]

You don't care. People listening, even though I'm gonna pick up.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I don't think people know what a pickup.

[Jordan Jensen]

Pickup is like. So say I'm telling a joke. And at one point, I, like, fumble a line.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Somebody writes that down and goes, hey, you fumble this line. So then the audience, you go, hey, laugh again. And usually they're like, you're kind of in on this joke together, which is kind of fun.

[Mark Normand]

It's kind of endearing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And the first show, I tried to do a pickup, and they didn't laugh at the part that I.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, you guys, come on.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then the second show, they told a third time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Was it at 7pm or. It was 7pm is evil.

[Sam Morril]

So what do you think? 8.

[Mark Normand]

8 and 10. Always better. Because 7. They get off work at 5, right. Then they got to. They're like, do I go home and take a shit, or should I go straight there? Maybe I'll go to Chipotle before it's too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Not enough straight. It was Saturday, but it was a Hot day.

[Mark Normand]

Never mind if it's a hot day.

[Sam Morril]

It's funny how everything factors in. You're literally looking at your. The weather report on your phone. You're like, fuck, yes.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's a close friend in the front row that I was staring at and telling a long bit about.

[Sam Morril]

That's. By the way, that's like on. That's on whoever's seat in the cause, they should fucking know because I remember I did a joke about getting blown in one of my. In my album. It was like. It was like a crazy story.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And I just see my mom do this in the crowd. I mean, I don't need to see that shit.

[Mark Normand]

Throws you off.

[Sam Morril]

She's upset to hear it. I'm upset to see it, you know?

[Mark Normand]

And we sound like such assholes. Your mom's like, I had to hear about my son getting blown. Oh, yeah. Well, I had to see you do this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But that does. But that does throw you at a taping where you're just like, I don't want to see.

[Mark Normand]

No, I'm lucky.

[Sam Morril]

My parents sit the parents in the back. Oh, wait, yes. Your Rosa Parks. The parents.

[Jordan Jensen]

I didn't make sure the moms were in the back. Thank God.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But the one friend who bought a ticket because she, like, has a baby. I told a whole joke about her having a baby and the light like this stupid. I was like, yeah, she looked bad. She looked bad after the baby. I'm, like, describing it in detail. I'm talking about her husband, who I'm looking at also. It was crazy.

[Mark Normand]

See, I'm not a too personal of a comedian, so stuff like that. I don't know how you guys deal with that.

[Jordan Jensen]

But the good thing is all the setups are going to. Can be pulled into the. Cause I said them so cleanly because it was like, pin drop. So I was like, I will just use diction to say everything so those can be pulled into the second set.

[Sam Morril]

Honestly, it's gotta be great. Every special gets saved in the edit. I always think about the Mitch Hedberg half hour that became legendary. But apparently he's bombing for like 50 minutes. And they just cut it into an amazing 22.

[Mark Normand]

And it made his career.

[Sam Morril]

It made his career.

[Mark Normand]

He's laying on the floor at one point, he's like, I'm bombing so bad. Why even try?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. They sweetened it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I don't think I. I'm very, like, OCD about sweetening. I get very weird about that. Like, it's like, I Don't wear Spanx either, because I'm worried that people will love me for the wrong reason.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Does that make sense?

[Sam Morril]

Like, when women are like, your body's gonna be too tight or something?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like. Like, everybody was like, wear Spanx for your special. All of my female friends, just because they all do that. And I was like, no, because I don't. I'm. I don't want to trick anybody into thinking that things are better than they are. So I can't sweeten. I can't wear Spanx. I can't wear. What's the other thing I can't wear? Oh, lip stain. I can't. Tattoos are weird that I do that. I can't wear deodorant. I apologize. I text you ahead of time. I said, just so you know, this is my boundary.

[Sam Morril]

But who's going to be tricked? Like. Like you're gonna hook up with some guy and he's like, you fucking. You lying bitch. I watched your special. No one's gonna actually be tricked by that.

[Jordan Jensen]

By sweetening or by Spanx?

[Sam Morril]

No, by Spanx.

[Jordan Jensen]

But the spank thing is like, haven't you see those memes where it's like, what she looks like before I take her pants off, what she looks like after? And it's like, it is real. Yoga pants are crazy. No, I have to be. Nobody can think that it's. So there can't be sweetened because they can't be like, that joke hit hard. It has to hit as hard as it did.

[Sam Morril]

You just tell. You're just telling. The hair, makeup, make me look as dumpy as possible.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, Yeah. I wiped off a bunch of makeup she put on.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, totally.

[Mark Normand]

Dumpy is funnier also.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's nothing that makes you more mad than when somebody is trying to.

[Sam Morril]

Special dead is funnier.

[Mark Normand]

He's Chris Farley.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, no, Dumpy usually dies quick, but it is funnier.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true.

[Sam Morril]

But you're against sweetening. I. People always think the funny thing is, even if you kill, they're like, they sweetened it. So that's why I'm like, I don't give a.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

My thing is, like, just. This is what the joke usually gets. If. If it. If it's like a little over, put it up, you know, I. I don't care about that.

[Mark Normand]

I know, but you have one good set and be like, laugh track.

[Sam Morril]

Like, it's almost never. I don't think I. Sweden in the last one. It might have been like one or two jokes but usually I did, like, four sets. I did. You know, and then one before I did seven. So I'm like, one of the. One of the jokes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it did well.

[Sam Morril]

One of the jokes hit.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

If it's not hidden. One in seven times. It didn't make. I was at the den. I was just having fun. And I was also, like. I had a great setup. I was in Chicago. I had Vita with me. I just had, like. It actually made it less pressure because different people came every night, so I didn't get, like, bombarded.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So just every night, we got fucked up every night. Vedor and I woke up and saunaed. It was like.

[Mark Normand]

It was kind of a good vacation almost.

[Sam Morril]

It wasn't bad. Yeah, it was kind of. By the end, I was like, this was a bad idea.

[Mark Normand]

But you got some. Probably so much money it paid for the. The taping.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. Maybe I don't even remember.

[Jordan Jensen]

That is the difference between men and women. If I drank the night before, you would look at my face and be like, she drank.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys can sauna and look normal again. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You get a puffy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Have you seen women when they wake up? Just in general.

[Sam Morril]

When's the last time you drank?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I drank in Italy, like, two years ago. I had a glass of wine. I just don't pull it up.

[Mark Normand]

Let's see that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm addicted to candy. So I had to choose.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, Spanx. Are you, like, a nerds?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, clusters.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, those are good, dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

I went delicacy.

[Mark Normand]

Did a. Did a gig with soda one time. And, you know, he's sober, and I'm drinking, and he's like, you want to come to me to 7 11? Because we're, like, starting to go to bed, and I was like, okay, I bought a bunch of Tylenol. And he's like, in the nerds section, like, they got the blue nerds. Oh, yeah, they got this kind of nerd. He's going nuts. He's like. Like a crackhead.

[Sam Morril]

But about nerds, I had the same thing with. I have a soda story just like that. And it's hilarious because, like, I have memories of getting fucked up with him, and now I'm hammered, and he's in, like. He's, like, grabbing ruffles and shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's like gummy bear. Yeah, licorice, whatever.

[Sam Morril]

He's the best.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I'm a candy whore. So I had to choose. Do you want sweets or do you want. Because I couldn't.

[Sam Morril]

I assumed you Had a problem or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, I have a problem with. I have a problem with consumption. Food, sex, love, candy. So if it's booze, it's just like, that will alter who I am. Candy will not. Sex will not. You know what I mean? But booze is like, I can't.

[Sam Morril]

You seem very against altering who you are in any way, which is maybe a good thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah. No alterations. Yeah, totally.

[Mark Normand]

We could use a few.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Sam Morril]

There was no incident where you're like, I'm done with booze.

[Mark Normand]

No rock bottom.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just weight. It's just like. It's just my weight is so hard to manage because I used to be so fat that if I do anything extra, it just. I just, like, get to. I like to feel like there's no extra water weight. There's no. You know what I mean?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

How'd you lose the fat originally?

[Jordan Jensen]

Anorexia.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Full.

[Jordan Jensen]

Full. I only ate grapefruits. That was the move. Grapefruits on the day.

[Sam Morril]

That's gotta be not good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Horrible for the stomach lining. Must be. But yeah. And I just started. Some kid was just like, do you want to put my penis in your mouth? And it's in my special. And I was like, yeah. And then the dopamine of getting male satisfaction made it so that I didn't need to eat anymore. I was like, oh, I'm skinny. I'll have sex in love. I just have to not eat and suck a lot of cock.

[Mark Normand]

Did he actually say it like that? Does that work?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah. When you're. When you're fat. Dude, you can do anything to a fat girl. You can literally be like, let's try your butthole. And I'm going to put two cocks in there, and they'll be like, oh, okay. Why not?

[Mark Normand]

Damn. All right.

[Jordan Jensen]

If you have an ex fat girl as a partner, she will be. I mean, it's crazy. You can just abuse them.

[Mark Normand]

I got to fatten my wife up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Fatten her up, and then slim her down.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, that's a trick.

[Sam Morril]

Really fat and the self esteem.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You have to break the self esteem.

[Mark Normand]

Geez. Speaking of Oprah, it's like, yeah, fluctuation.

[Sam Morril]

Fatten her up, then only grapefruits.

[Mark Normand]

That's how you do it.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what I worry about with my hot friends. I'm like, what happens when you get old and ugly? Is your life over?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. You gotta have a personality, too. If you're only about your looks, then you're in for A rude awakening.

[Jordan Jensen]

So many people are like that, though.

[Mark Normand]

I know. Well, they kind of go crazy, too. You see Morgan Fairchild on a front lawn, like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Drunk and waving the. Like a swastika. It's because. Anymore. Oh, yeah, Pull that up.

[Sam Morril]

A swastika.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I threw that in there. But, you know, they're not hot anymore, so they have to, like, get attention other ways because they. They're so used to being, you know, treated so well. Oh, man. She was. She was, like, 80s hot.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of makeup, big hair, acting crazy. These are images you're on. You got to go to all what she do. She just went nuts in a front lawn one day.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Who hasn't?

[Mark Normand]

That's true. That's true.

[Sam Morril]

We get fucked up every once in a while. I got. I got bombed the other day. It's. Every once in a while. I feel like I need. I need a reset. I need to, like, feel like shit to know that this is bad.

[Mark Normand]

Mm.

[Sam Morril]

You know?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

[Sam Morril]

Do you ever. How much candy are we talking? And, like, at night. Is it a nightly thing?

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, right now it's cake, because I got a cake for my special, but it's like, I'll stop eating real food and just go on a candy binge. You know what I mean? It'll be like. It's a depression thing.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

But it is, like, I'll definitely have candy every day. A little bit of candy. Oh, for sure.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Go to.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's. You know, it's fucked up. It's Swedish fish.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, those are great.

[Jordan Jensen]

You like those?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, they're good.

[Sam Morril]

It's just a funny one to binge on.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love Swedish.

[Sam Morril]

I wouldn't have guessed. If you gave me 80 guesses, I wouldn't have.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I know. It's. I like old lady candy. I like black licorice.

[Sam Morril]

I like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it's good.

[Mark Normand]

Swedish fish. It's subtle. The beauty of it. The subtlety and that gooey, gelatiny chew.

[Jordan Jensen]

The soft, like, powder outside is good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh, you are an addict.

[Jordan Jensen]

I am.

[Mark Normand]

You're snorting that.

[Jordan Jensen]

When I go to the hotel and there's that whole candy. It's fucked up. I have to remove it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Is that your routine after a show? You're just chilling in the hotel and.

[Jordan Jensen]

You'Re like, I don't let myself. Well, in Canada, we tore. Me and Jake tore through it at all. That's the other thing is Jake sometimes my opener. Very funny. Comic Jake Velasquez will go. He'll become Fat Jake. Usually he's Chatgpt Jake, which is Chatgpt. Tells him what to eat. He follows directions. But sometimes I can get him to be Fat Jake and he'll let loose. And then we're just in candy.

[Sam Morril]

Do the ruffles all dressed or the ketchup Lays. And that's the best Canada has to offer right now.

[Jordan Jensen]

What is it? Ketchup Lays?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you've never had those.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've never had that.

[Sam Morril]

We had bags of it. We were just in Vancouver. They're fucking phenomenal.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So you're like Denzel in flight, but with. Instead of the booze, you're going through the candy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

At the hotel.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

The Toblerone.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah. The to.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. That's always staring at me.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's why those Bart comedy clubs are so dangerous.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God. Tell them about the Bart comedy club.

[Jordan Jensen]

Comedy club. You walk into the green room and there's drawers and drawers.

[Sam Morril]

This is like Spokane.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I. I always say, get that shit out of there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you really?

[Mark Normand]

So much. How do they.

[Jordan Jensen]

But it's not only just like. It's not like bite size. They have like full Snickers. Like an entire drawer full of Snickers. I think one time Jake got through like 17 cow tales before going on.

[Mark Normand]

Stage and was killed Ralphie May, that club.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know if you knew that, but it's so. It's like organized. So it's all those little. Little clear drawers and you're like, there's my. There's my nerds taxes to eat candy.

[Sam Morril]

He's got Snickers all over his face. They feel his neck. They're like, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Snicker, please. But, yeah, those clubs. It's a nice sentiment, but you're like.

[Sam Morril]

You're not though.

[Mark Normand]

You're dealing with addicts here.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So mean.

[Sam Morril]

Because I got. I get off the stage stage, and Veedor and I would just be stuffing our face with like, Starbursts and Twizzlers, and by the end we're like, what? I feel horrible.

[Mark Normand]

I feel horrible.

[Sam Morril]

It's the same as booze. You realize how bad this shit is the second the high goes away.

[Jordan Jensen]

Also, hangover is the exact same.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Not as bad. But it's gross.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's not if you stay up all night in candy and stay up all night drinking. Because all the. All alcohol is that hangover is no sleep.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

With the sugar jitters. So it's the same feel. It's brutal.

[Sam Morril]

I make worse decisions on alcohol, but that's true.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's why I chose candy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's never made not a bad anybody. It's made me not people. You eat too much candy. You never have sex. Every time I drank, I had sex with somebody I hated.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Every time, just some guy would be like, I don't like you. And I'd be like, get in here. It was. It was crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't know you hated me.

[Sam Morril]

But, wow, that is a turn on when someone, like, says they don't like you. You're like, it is. It's just immediate turn on.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so crazy.

[Mark Normand]

You want what you can't have.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And you hate yourself. So you're like, I get it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know how you guys do it. These come whores on the. On, on for men. That come out for men. There was one girl that goes. She go. She was. You were going there, side splitters. She sees Soder's poster. She was at my show and I was like, oh, you should go see Soda. He's great. And she goes, yeah, I'm gonna fuck him.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I think he's in like a pretty committed relationship. And she goes, oh, he'll cheat. And I was like, I don't think he will. And she goes, they all cheat. And I went, you are my literal nightmare. Just like a small brunette with huge tits, probably like 21, just being like, I will force his cock into my body. It was so scary. And I was like, this is for women. It's scary because of other women. For men, it's scary because of women.

[Sam Morril]

Tampa's a different breed.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Tampa chicks are different.

[Mark Normand]

Soder is an anomaly because he's a killer comic, but he's also like six, four, good looking face. He's. He's like a hot guy. Yeah, he'd be a hot guy if he was just like a harmonica player.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I'm not a harmonica.

[Mark Normand]

All right, maybe not harmonica.

[Jordan Jensen]

You can hear the voice.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, good point.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, but most other jobs.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was like a barista. He'd be like, that's a good looking barista.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But here he is just doing comedy and being hilarious.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So. Well, I'll. We have to check in after he does Tampa. We'll have him on and see if he.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, this was a while ago.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, all right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, good. He doesn't seem like a guy.

[Mark Normand]

No, he's not. He's not.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's no way.

[Mark Normand]

Because Katie's a good egg.

[Sam Morril]

He's also sober. You can't. You can't be the sober guy who's fucking around.

[Jordan Jensen]

You. What?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he's sober, too? Yeah, that'll.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, the sobriety thing, but it's intense, dude, the girls.

[Sam Morril]

You cheated on me. I had too many gummy bears and I fucking.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what happened?

[Jordan Jensen]

Just women. If men come up to me, they go like this. They go, do you want to hang out after? And I go, no, absolutely not. No way. And they go, okay, women. I'll be. They'll be like, do you want to fuck? And I'll be like, no. And they will not take no for an answer. And they'll, like, double, because they're not used to anybody saying no to them. And they'll get closer, touchier, and grabby. And I'll have to be like, you have to get the. I mean, the amount of times that me and Jake have been like, we now have to get this woman removed. It's always like a hot girl in a trucker hat who's like, we're the same, dude. I work in a man's world, too. I'm a bassist in a band. And, like, they won't, because women aren't used.

[Sam Morril]

Have you ever been with a woman?

[Jordan Jensen]

I have. I did not like it.

[Mark Normand]

They want to eat you out or what do they. What do they want to do? Just want to strap on.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. They don't say. They don't say, I would like to strap on.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I guess that's.

[Jordan Jensen]

They were like, are you sure? They're like, are you sure you're not gay? You are. Just try. We don't have to try anything.

[Mark Normand]

We'll just push.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so pushy.

[Sam Morril]

Sounds like a dude.

[Mark Normand]

It does.

[Sam Morril]

Just watch a movie.

[Jordan Jensen]

A dude. In the 2000s, maybe.

[Mark Normand]

But now.

[Jordan Jensen]

Now men are like, all right, I won't do anything, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, no. We are more cautious, and we're used to hearing no.

[Mark Normand]

Like, if a girl says no, you're like, that's onto the next. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a woman, I think, is like, no, I won't stand for this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. A woman is like, I've decided tonight will be the night where this comic.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. See, here's what. I've mentioned this before, but female comics always go, oh, must be nice for men. All these girls come up to you. No guy hits on me. But then if a guy does hit on you, you're like, get the hell away from me. So which one is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's the men that hit on you, you don't even see because they have. It's like, you'll see the guy who's like a PA on the. You know, for the show, and you'll be like, he's hot. But if it's a fan, we don't see them like men. If you see a fan, that's like, I want to you. You go, I'll a fan. We don't see fans, okay?

[Mark Normand]

No woman has ever told me this.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the reality. If somebody comes up and they're like, can I have a poster? Also, I'd love to take you out. You're like, what? What are you, like a. It's like a little kid, right? Candy? And they're like, do you want to have sex? You're like, no, I'm your babysitter.

[Mark Normand]

I see.

[Jordan Jensen]

Whereas for you guys, all women are. You're kind of their babysitter because all women are a little infant. You know what I mean? Like, I love you.

[Mark Normand]

And you're like, yeah, I love infants.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But wait, wait, wait, wait. So if it's like a PA at the club or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. If the sound guy comes.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Then interesting. That's attractive. But if it's a fan, you're like, no, no.

[Sam Morril]

I think guys worse because that's like a work person.

[Jordan Jensen]

Work person's hotter than fan.

[Mark Normand]

See, this is good.

[Sam Morril]

What do you think, Mark? What do you say?

[Mark Normand]

Well, I'm not a woman, so.

[Sam Morril]

I know, but as a dude, where do you stand on it?

[Mark Normand]

As a dude, I wouldn't carry the way. I don't care if it's fan or work, bro. Do I give a shit?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's just. I think the work is a little worse. I think.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

We're kind of like.

[Mark Normand]

They could affect your job. Like, now you. This girl hates you that you work with.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, you are leaving or whatever, but you got to go back and be like, how's that sound, lady? And they're like, oh, she got promoted. And you're like, ah, yeah, that's not good.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like getting cat called when somebody hits on you at a show, you're like, okay. You're like, you'll anybody. You're black. You know what I mean?

[Sam Morril]

I don't.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like on training wheels a little bit. You're like, what am I gonna. It's. Yeah. It's like, not attractive to a fan as a woman.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

We want to be fanning.

[Mark Normand]

Got it. See, you give me honest answers. Every other girl's like, oh, shut up. I don't know. Put it my ass.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, no, we really. Yeah. We want to look up to you guys. That's. I can't. I've. If I date a guy who's.

[Mark Normand]

At all.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's any, like, sycophantic. Any. Like, it's disgusting. It's disturbing.

[Sam Morril]

I guess you do. I guess it is. Also. It is a turn off if a woman, like, likes me.

[Mark Normand]

Well, that too. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, if someone's like, like, oh, you're great. I'm like, ew. Yeah, it is that Annie hall shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

It always comes back to Annie Hall. But it's like, don't want to be.

[Mark Normand]

A member of a club that would have me or whatever it is.

[Jordan Jensen]

But that's weird because then he's attracted to children who've literally been conned into being attracted to him as a provider. You know what I mean?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. But she didn't want him. Probably. She was. That's not consent. So. You know what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, ew. You're old.

[Sam Morril]

It lines up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that does make sense.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. I'm learning a lot here. This is good. The sound guy. Yeah. You're kind of even.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. The sound guy just has to do his job. He doesn't even want to be there.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

You know.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

The fan is, like, bought tickets. Yuck.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Also, the sound guy could be like, hey, good show.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. What if it's a guy, though, who's just like, yeah, you were all right. Like, it was great. That's what I mean.

[Mark Normand]

There.

[Sam Morril]

But he's not a fan.

[Jordan Jensen]

Definitely not in the meet and greet line.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Which is where I would meet them.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He's like, yeah, I've seen better. But you were fine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I've had guys where their buddy was fanning out, and they're like, hey, my buddy's, like, a huge fan. Will you. He can't talk. Can you sign this for him?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I'm like, are you not a fan? He's like, no, I am. And I'm like, okay.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've never done it, because I have. The only reason to have sex is to find love forever for a woman. We don't need to come ever.

[Sam Morril]

I'm thinking that's what I always tell them, too, but. No, but that's like. I know what you mean. Like, if there's a guy after a show and he's, like, shaking.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Don't want to fuck him.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's no way.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I Would love to fuck that guy.

[Sam Morril]

Just with the vibration.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, But I think with the. It must be fun as that Sodor lady who. With the big tits, who's like, cute. You're like, I've never gone to a show and seen a female act and been like, I could fuck her. That has never happened once. If I go see Patti LaBelle, I'm not like, you know what? I could probably. I could probably flip her.

[Jordan Jensen]

I. That is such a good point. It is crazy. It is crazy in the audience and be like, I'm gonna that guy.

[Mark Normand]

But it's. It's. It's reality for a woman. Like, she could go to a Maroon 5 concert and be like, I'm hot enough that I could probably. Whatever the guy's name is with the tattoos. Whereas a guy could never be like, I'll go to this Madonna show and get laid.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

By Madonna. That will never happen.

[Sam Morril]

That's a big one, though. An arena. An arena. I'm gonna. This person.

[Mark Normand]

That was a bit much.

[Sam Morril]

That's big.

[Mark Normand]

Even, like, Gwen Stefani is also big, who's a low level singer. Even fat Adele wouldn't fuck me.

[Jordan Jensen]

Fat Adele.

[Sam Morril]

Fat Adele is still an arena act, though.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, we're talking about, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Joan Jett now, who's playing in Long Island.

[Sam Morril]

I fucked Joan Baez a few weeks ago.

[Mark Normand]

79, maybe older.

[Jordan Jensen]

Think of a female that. No, I have not.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, the joke doesn't work because no one's. We don't know that deep into music.

[Mark Normand]

No, no.

[Jordan Jensen]

Even to go to the Cellar when they're playing that music.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Even her. I could have Bitch on the fiddle.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. No way. You'd be like, she's busy. She's doing something.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. It's just crazy. Can you imagine, like, dude, can you imagine if we went to like a. I don't know, like, some.

[Jordan Jensen]

But you've never done that. Cause you guys are kind of famous.

[Sam Morril]

What do you mean now?

[Mark Normand]

Done what? Gone to a show and been like, I could fuck her.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, you've never gone to a party and there's, like, famous people there and you've been like, I think I can hook up with. No, we have friends who think that way and do it. They can do it.

[Sam Morril]

That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I couldn't fuck the randos at the party.

[Sam Morril]

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[Mark Normand]

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[Jordan Jensen]

Hiss Ed I'm also just not motivated to I'll DM forever. I'll DM flirt forever. But yeah, I have my best friend and my dog waiting for me at the hotel.

[Sam Morril]

There's no way the DM flirts underrated. It's almost filling the same need in a way.

[Jordan Jensen]

It is. Yeah, but you don't have to get a yeast infection.

[Sam Morril]

You can just jack off and be like yeah it was. That worked.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I can just now I can.

[Sam Morril]

Just watch what I want to watch.

[Jordan Jensen]

Jake will be like there'll be a such a hot girl that's my fan that will come up to him and be like let's fucking right and I'll see him at the hotel with me being like, I have to go. She is so hot. But the hang. And I'm like, I know, it's a really hard choice. Hang is brute, is. Is crucial.

[Sam Morril]

I wasn't even trying to get laid when I'm on a tour bus because I'm just like, I want to watch a movie with Veeder, with my buddies. I'm like, we're watch Manhunter tonight. I want to see that.

[Jordan Jensen]

We'll just be like, I will blow you in. Because you know, Ian, girls will just be like, I'll blow you in the bathroom right now.

[Mark Normand]

Ian.

[Sam Morril]

What does anyone get out of this?

[Mark Normand]

The blowjob?

[Sam Morril]

No, but. No, but I get what he gets out. What does the person.

[Mark Normand]

You tell us? You're the gal.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't blow randomly.

[Mark Normand]

Come on.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I never had. I only have sex for forever love. I never really punish somebody who doesn't love me.

[Sam Morril]

Are you. I didn't know you're in a relationship. Is it good? Are you happy?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, it's on and off all the time. We break up every other day. But that's. I've never not had that. Okay, but it is, like, if I'm in a relationship and me and you get into a fight, that would be one reason I fuck. Right? Just for revenge.

[Sam Morril]

Otherwise it's you fuck someone else.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, if we broke up, yeah, totally.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Jordan Jensen]

Immediate breakup.

[Sam Morril]

Revenge fuck. All right.

[Mark Normand]

Fiery coups.

[Sam Morril]

Are you. Are you crazy? Are you good in a fight? Are you a good communicator? Or are you just vicious?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not. I'm. I'm windy. I'll wind you up into an insane thing that you can't get out of, where if you say one thing, I'll say it's bad, and the other thing, I'll tie you up.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, this is basically wildly uncomfortable.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah. It'll be like. It'll be like, what did you mean by that? Because it sounds like you meant this by this. And if you meant that by that, then we have to break up. So did you mean this or that? And I'll be like that, and I'll be like, I knew it. It's over. It's like that. And then if he's like, okay, fine, we can end it. I'll be like, what do you. You want to end it? It's like that.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you're a minefield.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's fucked up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm in therapy. Alan's helping Alan's help. The problem with Alan. Alan is the stand up for you guys that Alex.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he is.

[Jordan Jensen]

He's like, you need to stand up for yourself. Which is a little up sometimes. Because I'm like, I'm wrong a lot. And he's like, you're never wrong.

[Mark Normand]

He does. Yeah, you're right. And he. He taught me to assert myself. You gotta assert. And he raises prices. And I was like, that's too high. And he's like, well, that's what it is. So I haven't gone in two years, but it worked. He taught me that.

[Sam Morril]

It worked.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, you yourself here, Al.

[Sam Morril]

You negotiate against. Against him.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I mean, he, like. I think he saw the Netflix special and he was like, oh, you can afford more than $17. And he up like 500. And I was like, I'm out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you had a few crumpled up.

[Mark Normand]

Bills I threw in his face.

[Sam Morril]

You're. You're leaving the session crying like, thank you so much.

[Mark Normand]

I do that too.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would come in, I'll owe him like, $2,000, and just come in with 50s and be like. And he's like, thank you. It's so.

[Mark Normand]

He's also big on the parent. Alan's always like, oh, that's your parents. That's your parents. I'm like, what? I'm killing prostitutes. That's your parents?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. He's big on the parents. I know. And sometimes I'm like, alan, I'm doing bad things. And he's like, no, he's bad.

[Sam Morril]

Some of these parents, it's not. Some of these serial killers had normal parents.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

Sometimes you just. You're just a bad little shit.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly, Exactly. People are bad. I mean, there's. I think sociopathy is just. It's like an eight, Right. It's just in you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You can't become a sociopath. Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Have you ever met somebody that you're, like, close?

[Sam Morril]

I'm in showbiz. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I have people that represent me where I'm like, that guy could kill some people.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally.

[Sam Morril]

He's strangled a couple prostitutes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So I'm fascinated by the fact that you say you only have sex for love, that I didn't know that about you. That's interesting.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I was talking to Steph Tolev because she has, like, a hit list of guys. She's. It's the funniest list.

[Sam Morril]

A hit list.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, you know, of sex. What do they call that?

[Sam Morril]

A list?

[Mark Normand]

Schindler's List.

[Jordan Jensen]

Body count.

[Mark Normand]

Body count. Very different than a hit list.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hit List? Yeah, Hit list.

[Mark Normand]

People you want to kill.

[Jordan Jensen]

Them all named is like, lake man. You know, they all have, like, names that she can, like, remember it, where it's like two kids, lives with mom, stuff like that. And I was like, oh, yeah, I never have on the road. I mean, I like, once, maybe.

[Mark Normand]

Well, that's part of the problem is we do this whole thing of, like, men and women. We're the same, but we're so different.

[Jordan Jensen]

No way.

[Mark Normand]

Every, like 90 of the women I've had sex with, I have no recollection of it. Yeah, I don't. I never got their name. I never thought about it twice. It's just an oil change for a guy, which. I know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Change.

[Mark Normand]

I know that sounds crass, but it's just how we're wired. I'm sorry.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. The release is literally so we can be a human again.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So that they can. It's like werewolf. Yeah, it's like.

[Sam Morril]

It is.

[Mark Normand]

It is. And that's why we want to leave after. Because we're like, oh, what the hell? I'm hanging out with you.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I've done it.

[Mark Normand]

That's what we do.

[Sam Morril]

You ever. Do you ever. You ever in a fight with someone you're dating and you just jerk off before and you're like, none of your powers are working. Oh, I'll jerk off and I'll pop an ad roll and I'll be. I'll be like Superman. I'll be fucking like.

[Mark Normand]

I'll be like.

[Sam Morril]

I'll be dodging her dumb fucking. And it's amazing her tits.

[Jordan Jensen]

I should do that before I fight calm. I know. I just get sleepy. I just pass out for six hours every time.

[Sam Morril]

No, but I think the jerk off is a powerful maneuver.

[Mark Normand]

Totally, totally.

[Sam Morril]

They use that as a tactic in a relationship. You're like, oh, you get the power back because they know you want to get laid.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're. How often are you guys having sex in long term relationships?

[Mark Normand]

Well, my wife just had a baby.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So you're not allowed to have sex for six weeks. So we had sex six weeks to the day.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nice.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And I just. Dinner again on accident.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Morril]

Do you think you're gonna get round two out of it?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, we checked. We're good.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't think it can do it like. Oh, I guess Irish twins happen.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it comes up, right? That's right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Would you be okay with a second kid?

[Mark Normand]

Well, I would, yeah. I would go with it. It's kind of nice to knock it out, actually. I think.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I think you might. You should.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You think, you think you have a second kid?

[Mark Normand]

No, I don't think she's pregnant again, but I think I would like a second.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

It helps to have them together. Yeah. You've met only children.

[Sam Morril]

Are they bad?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. They're like comedians. The worst.

[Jordan Jensen]

They just don't learn to share. They get. Yeah, they don't have. You know, it's like if you've been out to dinner with somebody who like, is like demands that there's no tapas, that's an only child. You know what I mean? Like, they don't. They don't learn how to fight. Like, they don't learn that they'll get their kicked in if they call somebody a name.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what I've realized with people where I'll be like, you can't say this. And they're like, why not? I can say what I want. I'm like, oh, you never had like an older sister that just ran your head into a dragon.

[Sam Morril]

That's a good point.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Keep you in check.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know, you're like, I'm wearing a boa and sunglasses. Like, they rip that off you and kick you in the balls. Yeah, okay. I needed that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Very necessary.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta have two and they can, they can hang out with each other. Like, I don't have to like entertain two kids or one kid. If they have two kids now you're playing basketball or whatever.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wrestling.

[Mark Normand]

Go nuts.

[Jordan Jensen]

Can you crank it out that fast? Your vagina just rips open and then you just do it again.

[Sam Morril]

Do you want kids?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. My whole thing is if I get pregnant, I'll have it. If I don't, I will never. I'm very animal oriented. I really treat my dog like a baby and feel totally whole.

[Sam Morril]

Didn't you meet, I think last time we talked, you met a guy at the dog park. Didn't that happen?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, we went on a date.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was a very meat cute, but yeah. That brutal kisser I'm all about. If the kissing is bad, we can't.

[Sam Morril]

What's a bad kisser?

[Mark Normand]

Teeth.

[Jordan Jensen]

No teeth is even better. Teeth I can. I can work with. It's really. It's the zero. Mouth open. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What is that?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just a. I don't know, it's just fear. It's just a form of fear.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, you're right. And I've had the opposite where the girl's like, oh, that's that's rough. Take it easy.

[Sam Morril]

Jesus Christ. Yeah. That's awful.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, she was in a wheelchair with mls, but still. Yikes. Dog park pickup. That's like a rom com.

[Jordan Jensen]

The dog park pickup was very cute. Yeah. The other thing is, I don't think I would want to date a guy who has a dog.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you want to be the dog?

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to be the dog. It's also, like, a bit of a form of weakness to me.

[Sam Morril]

A dog?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

To me, it's the opposite. To me, it's like the person knows responsibility.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I prefer a guy who's like, I don't.

[Sam Morril]

I want to. A guy with a dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. No response. But why do you need a dog? Because you're slightly codependent and a gooey, gooey boy.

[Sam Morril]

If I didn't do this job, I would. If I didn't have this job, I would absolutely do it. Have a dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

In the city, though, you got to walk it.

[Sam Morril]

Dogs are fun, man.

[Mark Normand]

They're fun, But I feel like in the city, it's tough.

[Sam Morril]

It is tough. You would never do a dog.

[Mark Normand]

I wouldn't. I have a cat.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, a cat is not a cat.

[Mark Normand]

Huh?

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

Your cat is not a cat.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. You know my cat?

[Jordan Jensen]

My dog knows your cat. Your cat? I kept doing the funniest game. His cat is 45 pounds.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I kept throwing coyote's toy. My. My dog is 15 pounds. Kept throwing coyotes toy near the cat, and coyote would, like, try and get it and get as close as possible, and the second the cat would move, she would, like, zip out of the room.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Wait, when did you. When did your dog beat my cat?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was at Broussard's birthday party. They were babysitting.

[Mark Normand]

That's my cat. A Maine coon.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, but your cat is, like, this big. Your cat is the biggest.

[Mark Normand]

It's you. Big paws, big head. It's crazy. It's.

[Jordan Jensen]

It looks like it should be illegal, like, you own.

[Mark Normand]

It's like a lynx.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so huge.

[Mark Normand]

It's huge. But it. I didn't want a cat, and the wife was pushing it, and I.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's realistic.

[Mark Normand]

That's the cat that's literally.

[Jordan Jensen]

They call it Photoshop.

[Mark Normand]

In German, the word for Maine coon translates to living room tiger, because that's what it is. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

Beautiful.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would say. That's a dog.

[Mark Normand]

It's a dog. It plays fetch. It greets you at the door.

[Sam Morril]

I like that.

[Mark Normand]

It's great.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Maybe a Cat's a move at some point. Who knows?

[Mark Normand]

Love a cat.

[Jordan Jensen]

But their piss smells like. Like piss.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you go litter box.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you have an auto clean?

[Mark Normand]

No, but I have a. My house. I keep it in the back, so I don't. Oh, that's good to see it. But I have to.

[Jordan Jensen]

That cat probably shits human.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's bigger than Ian Finance.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like how I said cat piss and we all thought of Ian.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Ian does seem like. Has a smelly taste. It's.

[Sam Morril]

So should we do a peeve? Oh, yeah, let's get some peeves cooking again.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we got some guest peeves.

[Sam Morril]

What do we got?

[Mark Normand]

Listener peeves.

[Jordan Jensen]

You should get a dog, Sam. I bring coyote everywhere. It's the best.

[Sam Morril]

I can't do it.

[Mark Normand]

Another difference between men and women. You see a guy with a dog and you go, codependent, nerd, gay.

[Sam Morril]

You just said you would never fuck a guy with a dog. You should get a dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, you like them.

[Sam Morril]

I do like them. I know, but what if other women.

[Jordan Jensen]

Think women love guys with dogs?

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Not you, though.

[Jordan Jensen]

I just like. I prefer somebody who's like, zero attachments. I'm really.

[Sam Morril]

You want to be the center of the world?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I want them to hate everybody, including me. But sometimes they let me in a little.

[Sam Morril]

Like you, like this. Why do you think that is?

[Jordan Jensen]

My parents. 0 Allen 0 Alan. Yeah, but I don't. My mom. Our game. The game we used to play was called no Kisses Today, which is where me and my sister would try and kiss my mom and she would forehead punch us off. It was so fun.

[Sam Morril]

It was so fun, but fucking revealing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, But I only realized recently that wasn't a game that everybody plays.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

You'd go like this and she'd push like that. It was the best game.

[Sam Morril]

My dad did the opposite game. He was like, here's a bunch of kisses.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

When you don't want to kiss your penis. Oh, weird. Okay. Wow. An unfriendly lesbian. I've never heard of such thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, so unfriendly. My mom's just a man. She's just. That's why she fucks women. She's a man. If she were like, now, she'd be trans.

[Sam Morril]

Do you.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow, 100. Really interesting.

[Sam Morril]

Do you. You're really close with your mom though, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But two moms.

[Jordan Jensen]

Two moms. One is a mommy. My stepmom is like, mommy.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, got it.

[Jordan Jensen]

And she's very touchy. And I go. And she goes, I'm doing it. And I go like that. But my mom is like, we don't touch.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Jordan Jensen]

She came to my special and was crying, and my sister was videotaping just because we never see her cry. And she was like, just get the fuck out of here.

[Sam Morril]

She was just proud.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's cool.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was cool, man.

[Mark Normand]

I'm learning a lot.

[Sam Morril]

And what's your. Your mom like? What does she behave like at a special? Like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

The sweet mom.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

She did my hair.

[Sam Morril]

Nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. So she's just, like, touching my hair and like, yin me. Me. Yeah, like that.

[Mark Normand]

So it's yin and yang.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's very yin. But they're not together anymore because my mom was too mean.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

But they're very good friends, my mom is. I has two pit bulls. I will never be in a relationship again. She cheats constantly. I found out she fucked two dudes recently.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

Two dudes cheated on Michelle. We just did a podcast here the other day, and she was. And Michelle's like, what about the two dudes you fucked? Mom was like, that was conference sex.

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, what conference?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know.

[Sam Morril]

I guess it means with two dudes at once. Is that what.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, no, no. Like, she was at a conference, and I guess didn't think it counted.

[Mark Normand]

Is she attractive?

[Jordan Jensen]

My mom? Yeah, she's swaggy. She's Sue Cousini.

[Mark Normand]

Give me the weight.

[Sam Morril]

So she's. She's bi.

[Jordan Jensen]

She. I. She's bi.

[Mark Normand]

All right. Oh, you're gonna. Oh, oh, oh. We don't have to pull your mind. I don't want to.

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Look at my mom's.

[Jordan Jensen]

There she is.

[Mark Normand]

Hotness level as he is, kind of swag.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, she's swaggy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I thought that was Sammy Hagar.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But either way, yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. All right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, she did. Rick Glassman's partner.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, no, that was his mom.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry, Rick. Oh, yeah, I can see it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well, where. Who is the sperm, though, for you?

[Jordan Jensen]

My dad.

[Sam Morril]

And you don't talk to your dad?

[Mark Normand]

He died. Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah, he's dead, so you can't talk to him.

[Jordan Jensen]

But he was also very hot.

[Sam Morril]

He's a hot guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Were you close with your dad?

[Jordan Jensen]

Super close, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

When did he pass?

[Jordan Jensen]

Super close.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, shit. Your dad fucked you?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, we fucked. No, but I was. My dad was. We were like, best friend. He died when I was, like, 58. When he was 58. So, like, 10 years ago.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was, like, the way he wanted to go. He was like, I do not want to get old. I just want to work and die. It was good. Suicide was actually great. No, we just. He just had a bunch of weed, some NyQuil, died in his sleep. He smoked two packs a day.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow. So, whoa. Where are you from again?

[Jordan Jensen]

Upstate New York.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's why.

[Jordan Jensen]

Ithaca. Lansing. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. That's a dark area.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it's a dark.

[Sam Morril]

That's like a high suicide rate, that area.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, the Asians. So the Asians, their parents go like this. Their parents go. You have to go to an Ivy League school or we kill you. So they go to Cornell, which is the least Ivy League school, and then they get a B and they jump off one of our gorges. Because we have gorges everywhere.

[Mark Normand]

Beautiful. Gorgeous.

[Jordan Jensen]

Then we built Asian catchers.

[Mark Normand]

Like the Apple Store.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, like the Apple Store. These big nets that catch them.

[Sam Morril]

That's why I used to call dating apps Asian catchers.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a good dating app.

[Mark Normand]

Asian Net.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then we catch the Asians and we pull them out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I mean, it is a depressing. It is a depressing place. I feel like a lot of great writers came from there. Like, didn't. Like Raymond Carver. Yeah, Raymond Carver. Jay McInerney. Like, all these great. All these, like, dark writers. He at least was like, a student there or something. All these great writers. Because it's miserable and it's cold and it's cold and there's a darkness to it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I just did Ithaca. I just performed there. It was great.

[Jordan Jensen]

Where'd you go? The state?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Mark Normand]

Theater. Beautiful.

[Sam Morril]

Buffalo's killer. Buffalo's bright, isn't it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Buffalo's dark. That Buffalo has. No, Because Ithaca at least has, like, a Narnia quality where it's small and there's waterfalls.

[Mark Normand]

Hippy, dippy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Buffalo's like, I like Buffalo.

[Mark Normand]

Buffalo's rough. I mean, I love the crowds there because they need a fucking laugh.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love them because women there are, like. They are funnier than most female comics. Like, I lived in Buffalo for three months, and they were just like, fat, slap hoggy women who would just, like, in randomly be like, I'm taking off my shirt not to be sexy, but just, like, it's too hot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean? Like, and they were just like, everybody, we're doing that. We're playing rugby now. But they were all straight with, like, a girl that was castrated.

[Sam Morril]

I think that was my opener. I said, all the women on Tinder here look like Artie Lang.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Totally.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. The Buffalo uniform is a Bill's jersey, pajama pants, and a scowl.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

You know?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

But great food in Buffalo. Like, they really do have good food.

[Jordan Jensen]

They do have good food.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, they eat well. It's like, it's. You got to have good food in a cold weather place.

[Mark Normand]

Well, it was like a boom town for a while then, you know, all the went like Rochester, Buffalo. It all went to hell.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Syracuse.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Minneapolis. That's like a secret.

[Mark Normand]

It. I love Minneapolis.

[Jordan Jensen]

This place is bizarrely well run.

[Sam Morril]

Why? The area I was performing in was rough. I was downtown, like, right by the arena. I'm like, this is a rough part.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I didn't see any of that.

[Mark Normand]

Somalis in America.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. The Somali thing is so funny.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I cannot. When I was there, I could not stop asking questions about it. The fact that it's all these Midwesterners that are so sweet and then like the blackest people.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean? And they're just like, no, the more the merrier. Come on in. And it's just like a full. Because it's like. It's like when you go to Williamsburg and it's like an entire different tribe of people. You know what I mean? And you're like, okay, I guess this is just. It's so blatant here. It's like so integrated, but there it's like fat little ladies resting their little paws on their bellies with casseroles and.

[Sam Morril]

Like black and then say, we're the captain now.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean? Like. Like a man holding a machete and they're like, come on in. Use it to cut the cake.

[Mark Normand]

That's the. It's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Minneapolis. I was there in the summer. The first time I ever performed there, I was like, this town is great. And the guys drive me around the city and I'm like, why don't more people live here? This is an amazing hidden gem. And he's like, the cold is so bad. It keeps people out.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's. I mean, that's one part I don't love about that downtown is that everything is like an indoor mall thing. So you're like, wait, where's this coffee shop? Oh, I have to go through, like a tunnel.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So I don't love that. But yeah. Minneapolis is a great city.

[Mark Normand]

People love tunnel cuddles.

[Sam Morril]

We don't like talking about them, though. You keep them secret.

[Jordan Jensen]

My favorite city is Toronto.

[Mark Normand]

I think Toronto's awesome.

[Sam Morril]

It's your number one city.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Come on. I love Toronto. But number one.

[Jordan Jensen]

You mean, like, in the, like, Europe? Including Europe and stuff?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, let's go in the Tri State Air or the new US And Canada.

[Jordan Jensen]

US and Toronto.

[Sam Morril]

Really? Over New York.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, well, New York is hard because I have it down.

[Mark Normand]

But you live here.

[Jordan Jensen]

Toronto is like clean New York.

[Sam Morril]

How about Vancouver now?

[Jordan Jensen]

Too much weed. Way too much weed.

[Mark Normand]

You don't like weed?

[Jordan Jensen]

They do dabs.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like the Toronto audiences are so hot. They're observed with comedy. They treat me like a celebrity. The. I like how integrated everything is. Like here it's just like black, white, Mexican, but there it's like every different.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean? And it's just, well. It's just well maintained.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's a good city.

[Mark Normand]

It's New York.

[Jordan Jensen]

Vancouver, they do dabs. I asked them, I was like, what are you guys smoking? And they're like. A bunch of them are like, dabs.

[Mark Normand]

And heroin is huge. The Hastings street is like walking Dead.

[Sam Morril]

There's a guy with a fucking machete right outside the alley. I was trying to get out my door, and they're like, stay put. Fucking machete. Yeah, I think I said this last.

[Jordan Jensen]

Week, but Winnipeg is crazy, too.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, It's a good comedy town.

[Jordan Jensen]

Great comedy town.

[Mark Normand]

One thing I noticed about Winnipeg, beautiful women with ugly guys.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, we noticed that too.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there you go.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

You see a guy who looks like Joe List and you're like, wow, his girlfriend is gorgeous.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really hot women. Very interesting. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. That was sad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really good.

[Sam Morril]

All right. Yeah, I'm going. I'm going to Winnipeg soon. I can't wait, man.

[Mark Normand]

They hate us. Kind of.

[Sam Morril]

Do they hate us?

[Mark Normand]

Well, Trump.

[Sam Morril]

That was better.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, they hate Trump. They broke up with him. Him?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, he broke up with them.

[Jordan Jensen]

But. But he said, I'll make you my.

[Sam Morril]

You know, he wasn't cool.

[Jordan Jensen]

Canada said, I'm not. I'm bing. You. I thought was a little bit.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's. It's a. It's a divorce and we're the children and it's our dad's fault for sure. We gotta, you know, Mexico and we.

[Jordan Jensen]

Don'T mind that much. Like, she was the. You know, she was a good cook.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, we're like. We're America. We'll find someone else.

[Mark Normand]

We'll go to Cuba if we have to, or Haiti. But Mexico's mad at us, too, so both our upstairs and downstairs neighbors in the apartment hate us. They're, like, hitting us with broomsticks on the ceiling. It's not good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why is Mexico mad at us?

[Mark Normand]

Gulf of America.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, I think Trump's been poking them for quite some time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I mean, why were they driving a ship through here? What?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that was weird.

[Mark Normand]

Hispanic Titanic. That's what I've been calling that.

[Jordan Jensen]

How do you know that thing is going to hit you?

[Mark Normand]

Well, it was drifting because it, they were like, they turned the motor off and so they were like getting up on the mast. Now they're half mast, but they were getting up on the mast and they were like, hey, everybody. And they didn't realize they were drifting into the bridge.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that was. But didn't shut it down. I, I went right over it that next day.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no. Yeah, the bridge was fine. Who needs a wall?

[Jordan Jensen]

How did they not know? I guess they're not used to being tall.

[Mark Normand]

I tweeted that thing. You did that. Same joke.

[Sam Morril]

No. Really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Oh, and there's people on there, by the way. Those sales are full of people. They're like, standing. Two people died.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Rip Build that bridge.

[Jordan Jensen]

That is crazy. Really cool that our bridge didn't budge, though.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's a wooden ship.

[Jordan Jensen]

But what were they doing? They were just showing some stuff.

[Mark Normand]

I think they were. It was the part of the Mexican Navy, which, you know, they should have been in our waters. Just kidding.

[Sam Morril]

What's your number one cities in America outside New York? I like Chicago. I like sf. I like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Chicago has too many, like, men that wear no show socks. Like, it's too many. Too many queer.

[Sam Morril]

Whole city based on socks.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Like, it's too many, like, I mean, like, not gay men, but, like gay men married to women, you know, I mean, men with like, maybe like.

[Sam Morril]

Well, that should work to my advantage because then there's more available women.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah. Great for you.

[Sam Morril]

I like Chicago. I love Chicago. I love sf. What are you thinking, Mark?

[Jordan Jensen]

SF Sick.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, those are both great cities. I try to find a, a hidden gem, like a sleeper, because everybody knows those are great. So I, I. You ever been? Wilmington, North Carolina.

[Sam Morril]

It's a great city.

[Mark Normand]

Great town. Great town on the water. Yeah. Southern, but still fun. It's got a New Orleans vibe, but not all Cajun. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Played out, really. I haven't been in years, but I've been there a few times and I loved it.

[Mark Normand]

The Carolinas are great. Like, Asheville's great.

[Jordan Jensen]

Providence is cool.

[Mark Normand]

Providence is a great.

[Sam Morril]

Underrated.

[Mark Normand]

I love Providence.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's cool because it's a beach. Town. But there's a Mafia vibe.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

And more strip clubs than any city per capita.

[Mark Normand]

Foxy ladies, eggs and legs.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

What else? What else is a good city? What? Tempe is fun if you're really getting after it.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, I had a great time in Seattle. Honestly.

[Mark Normand]

Seattle's fun.

[Jordan Jensen]

That'll sick.

[Sam Morril]

Killer.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Trying to think some. Some off the beaten. Pat Madison. Great town.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Sometimes I just think of the shows, though. I'm like, what's a good city? Like, I had a good show there.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good point.

[Sam Morril]

Is it a good.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Honestly, I had a great time in walking. I loved it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Jordan Jensen]

I've never been.

[Mark Normand]

I'm going there soon.

[Sam Morril]

I love Milwaukee.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've never been to New Mexico either.

[Sam Morril]

I realized Santa Fe. Santa Fe is sick.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I think it's cool. You don't like it?

[Mark Normand]

A little dry.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Tumbleweed. It's. It's very Hispanic.

[Jordan Jensen]

Bozeman, Montana.

[Mark Normand]

That's very pretty.

[Jordan Jensen]

Cool.

[Mark Normand]

Very pretty.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You should go.

[Sam Morril]

Like, Yellowstone vibes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Very earthy. Very fun. Although I got heckled for an hour. That crowd was the drunkest I've ever seen.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, they get up. That's the problem with the hidden gems are they're wasted.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because they're so far off the map, it's all they can do.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Winnipeg got up. Winnipeg is a weird place.

[Mark Normand]

It is. Neil Young's from there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, it's Stab. It's Stab City or something. What did they always say?

[Sam Morril]

Stabs.

[Jordan Jensen]

Never take a Winnipeg handshake, which is just where somebody stabs you.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like nine people said that while I was there.

[Mark Normand]

What, you got no guns there. So they're stabby.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're stabbed.

[Sam Morril]

But it's an awful adjective about it. He's a little stabby.

[Jordan Jensen]

You get Joe List with cities where Joe's scared to go outside and he's.

[Mark Normand]

Scared of the coop.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. What is it?

[Mark Normand]

Meanwhile, he lives in Cookville because things happen to him.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like in. In Vegas, he got, like, circled by kids on a bike. Like.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's right.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, when you're scared, it kind of, like, finds you.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like my friends who lock their money up and shit, they always get robbed. You know what I mean? Like, when you always, like, whack, shit happens to him. Yeah. You have to just be like.

[Sam Morril]

You just walk around confidently, and if something happens, it happens.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, I feel like Steve Rogers has been punched in the head by almost.

[Mark Normand]

He's got a Real punchable mug, that guy. He was like a little kid. But we were at my wedding in. In New Orleans, and List is like, this town's crazy. There's too many psychos here. And Andy Hay. We're all eating at this brunch spot. Andy Haynes is like, shut up, you big pussy. What are you talking about? You know, he's. He's like, very progressive. He's like, it's fine. And we look outside, there's a guy getting stabbed on the. In the courtyard. And the cops come and listen, like, thank you very much. All right, here we go.

[Sam Morril]

The cops start stabbing list.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. He's like, I saw your last special. Yeah. But that was a true story. New Orleans is very violent.

[Sam Morril]

It's wild. That's a great city, though.

[Mark Normand]

That's a fun city.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a great city.

[Mark Normand]

Not a great comedy city.

[Sam Morril]

No, no. Although the last one I did was pretty. I did the Fillmore last time was pretty fun.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, the Fillmore. Sovros told me, that's a tough room.

[Sam Morril]

I. I liked him.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

It's funny. I liked him. And then my agent forwarded me an email being like, this is the worst show I've ever seen. And I. I was like, that was a pretty good one.

[Mark Normand]

And why you forwarded me these hate.

[Sam Morril]

Because he thinks I find. I do find them fun.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Okay.

[Sam Morril]

I think when someone writes, like, a long thing about how much they hated the show, I find it.

[Mark Normand]

That. That is enjoyable.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So sometimes I get the lady. Like, you were the. You were so offensive. You should be ashamed of yourself. And I'm like, that's funny.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't like, you know, you should kill yourself. It was like, he's, like, disgusting, awfully. I find that shit kind of funny.

[Mark Normand]

Do you get women because you're a lady? So are women. Like, you're not being ladylike and you're wearing pants that are torn and your hair is weird.

[Jordan Jensen]

No way.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, good.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, but I don't read anything. I don't read comments. I don't read emails.

[Mark Normand]

Buckle up. I could show you some stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Don't people send it to me? I cannot. I can't.

[Sam Morril]

Who sends you that stuff?

[Jordan Jensen]

My friends will be like, this guy. And it's like, somebody, oh, my God.

[Sam Morril]

My mom does that. Yeah, my mom's like, I read this awful review and I'm like, I never would have seen this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, no, I don't read any. Anything like that. Because I don't. Yeah, I don't want to know If I have cancer, don't want to know. If somebody cheats on me.

[Sam Morril]

I want to know about the cancer.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to be kept in the dark.

[Sam Morril]

You should know about. None of it's terminal.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

If it's, like, treatable, I'd like to know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I want to know that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But, yeah, somebody cheats on me, I'm like, keep me in the dark, but yeah, I don't want to know what people think. I had one woman try to fight me on a stage because I. Whoa. Yeah, but they got her. I mean, because I was like, do you have a weird relationship with your dad? And she got weird, and I was like, don't get weird. I was like, did he. Did you. You him? Did you guys. And she, like, stormed off and was sobbing in a bathroom. And then I just, like, went in all about her. I was like, this is all just a move to get this guy to go in there after her. And he was like, it's true.

[Mark Normand]

It's true. Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then she came out of the bathroom, and I realized she heard everything because there was a speaker going in there, and she tried to storm on stage. That was in Appleton.

[Sam Morril]

Interesting town.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wisconsin.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Wow. That's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

I've been there. Yeah, it's kind of a. It's kind of a cute city, but it's definitely off the beaten path. Like, that's one of those, like, some of these connect flight cities. I'm like, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Just Spokane or whatever.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well, that's not a bad club, but.

[Sam Morril]

That'S a good club.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But sometimes, you know, when you're connecting, you're like, this could be tough.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. That was a little beginning. That little plane to connect. They're like, this is the. This is the express.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

The turbulence is crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude. I'm getting. I never was scared of turbulence, and now I'm scared of it.

[Sam Morril]

It. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I never cared. I was ready to die.

[Mark Normand]

Have you been on a private jet yet?

[Jordan Jensen]

Too much turbulence. I don't like it.

[Mark Normand]

That is real turbulence where you're like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Whoa, you have karma. Like, I've been on a plane with, like, you know, it's. When I'm on a private jet, it's like with Louie or something.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I'm like, if you're so rich that you're taking a private jet, if God is going to smite either the. The commercial jet full of children or Louis CK and me, it's going to choose up like, we are going down.

[Mark Normand]

Have you seen him wig out? He hates. He's like. Like. You're like, hey, man, come on. I look up to you. Keep it together. What are you doing?

[Sam Morril]

It is funny to meet your heroes and be like, what the was that?

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes. See that? They're scared of bees. No.

[Mark Normand]

Right, Right.

[Sam Morril]

It is weird though, because you're also in the. The, the top.0001% if you're on a private jet in that moment and you're like, this sucks.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Why is it there so much? Just cuz they're smaller.

[Sam Morril]

It's smaller.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. The wind's throwing it around.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so scary.

[Sam Morril]

That's why those like, like big New York to LA planes are kind of like, in a way great. I mean, they're annoying.

[Jordan Jensen]

Those are the ones I like. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. But you're like, I feel better.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, I like when there are children around me because I'm like, this is. We're okay. We're okay. I'm the least important person who dies on this. That's okay. You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

When I'm in a private jet, I'm.

[Mark Normand]

Like, dude, totally going down. First part of that was the same as Jared Fogel, but.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I knew something was coming.

[Jordan Jensen]

There are kids around me. I feel good.

[Sam Morril]

Good.

[Mark Normand]

I almost used a comedian, but I. I turned it around to another guy.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, Spacey's taking a lot of strays. Like to mix it around.

[Mark Normand]

We'd love to have you on, Kev.

[Sam Morril]

It's also good to have a woman. We haven't had a woman on this show forever.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. This is. Yeah, baby.

[Sam Morril]

Well, this is. We're easing back into women.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was like, did you hear?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. What happened?

[Sam Morril]

That might be her last woman.

[Mark Normand]

You got a title for the thing special?

[Jordan Jensen]

I think it's gonna be called Take me with you.

[Sam Morril]

When is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Or speed bag. I'm choosing between.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, Take me with you. Or speed.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. I. I kind of like. Take me with you. That's kind of fun.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It's more tidily. But speed bag is. I think it drugs. But are you probably talking about like. Yeah, okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Speed bag is what I described the loose skin that was on.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, when you say that. Yeah, that's kind of fun.

[Sam Morril]

That's kind of fun.

[Jordan Jensen]

But Take me with you.

[Sam Morril]

When is it out?

[Jordan Jensen]

Just a little part where I say when somebody breaks up with me, I'm like, yeah, get out of here. Run. Take me with you.

[Mark Normand]

You got it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was thinking about just having that in the beginning and then having. Take me with you. And then going into it.

[Mark Normand]

I like it. That sounds more like a title. Take me with you. I can see that on a. Yeah. Netflix. It's Netflix, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, is it out soon?

[Mark Normand]

Congrats.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's hopefully September. We hope if they do that, they might push it forever, right?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Nah. I don't know why.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

But you got to do all the promoting. They don't promote those bloodsuckers.

[Jordan Jensen]

I gotta do a whole podcast thing.

[Sam Morril]

Thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Go.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Go out to la. Do Bobby and Santino and the other guy. Whatever.

[Sam Morril]

The other guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's it. Right? Just podcasts. There's no other secret.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, you could go on Fox News and talk about stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. But it's not like you have to, like, do a. I don't have to hire a.

[Mark Normand]

No, don't get the publicist. They'll. They'll rape you.

[Sam Morril]

But, I mean, I. I.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do they ever work, though? Do they?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, I'm always touring. Should they just do everything? I mean, it's just like, I'm always on the road, so they just, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Well, they'll be like, it'll be 14,000.

[Sam Morril]

Mine's not that bad.

[Mark Normand]

We'll get you on. We might be drunk.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, I got text somebody.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

So be weary of that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

We'll get you on the seller podcast.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like, no one listens to that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

What are we doing? I don't want to talk about Gaza.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you want to. You want to. Yeah. Just do the pods and do whatever, you know? Do whatever. Sometimes I always feel like it's good to get outside of our bubble. Bubble, too. Yeah. I feel like every time, because, yeah, I do the same. I pay these people, and then they're like, we got you on Two Bears. I'm like, I know that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know. That's one thing Schultz went on. Barry Weiss, Megyn Kelly, Shay Shay. I'm like, oh, wow. He really got out of the bubble.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was thinking about getting a stencil and spray painting it. Jordan Jensen, Netflix all through Brooklyn and Manhattan.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, old school.

[Jordan Jensen]

That'd be cool, right?

[Mark Normand]

Grassroots.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nobody's done that.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. That's true.

[Jordan Jensen]

It would be. Jordan Jensen, Netflix. Da da da da da. That you see those? And you're like, who had the balls to do. And I've always wanted to graffiti.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you should pay a migrant to do that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Don't do the publicist. Do the migrant.

[Sam Morril]

That's not bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good.

[Mark Normand]

Aha.

[Jordan Jensen]

Good.

[Mark Normand]

A dollar a day. Or a teen. Or a teen. Yeah, get an NYU kid or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

I saw a teen stealing the other day. Little, little, maybe like 11 year old black kid ran out with some, some, some. What is it called that you put wash clothes with that? I don't use detergent. Ran out.

[Sam Morril]

That's rough that you didn't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I know, I know. I use Dr. Bronner's and ran out with it.

[Mark Normand]

Soap in a tampon. Never use it. I go with an old rag.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, I'm out on tampons. Biggest decision of my life.

[Mark Normand]

Your pad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sick. Dude, I've been against pads my entire life. Here's the deal. Tampons. Disgusting witch's finger that absorbs blood and then sits in your.

[Mark Normand]

It is a crazy concept.

[Sam Morril]

It's gross. They taste good.

[Mark Normand]

But yeah, you go wings or no.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow, you are married. Yeah, I do like them.

[Sam Morril]

I know nothing that's happening right now.

[Mark Normand]

Like what Red Bull. It gives you wings.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wings are great. The wings are good.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yep. I'm all about pads. Ladies, I know you're not watching this podcast, but go pads.

[Mark Normand]

That was for like special needs women who can't.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, that's what I thought too. I'm almost thinking about going full like, have you seen diapers for they're like so soft and you can just right out.

[Mark Normand]

Boy, oh boy, you're gonna cruise diapers. Senior citizen age.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, they have big diapers. I mean the ones that your kid wears, I think could stretch out nice and tight.

[Sam Morril]

This is the slippery slope.

[Mark Normand]

You're against banks, but you're down for depend.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I, I was a bedwetter, so I wore those.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

A bedwetter? Big time.

[Jordan Jensen]

At sleepovers.

[Mark Normand]

You ever do it? Oh yeah, sucks. I would stay up all night like a. Like a patrolman and then eventually you conk out and fall asleep for two seconds. You're like, app, I'm covered in piss.

[Jordan Jensen]

What is that? Is that a. Is it a nightmare you have and you pee?

[Mark Normand]

They say it's trauma. I had some weird. I had a weird childhood.

[Jordan Jensen]

Was sex stuff?

[Mark Normand]

No, no. Break ins and a bad home.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, break ins will do it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Of the night fear.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Like I remember being like an 8 year old and I would hear people like breaking in the living room because I lived above the living room and I could hear it. And you're like, there's a guy in my house.

[Jordan Jensen]

And it's so scary.

[Mark Normand]

It was terrifying. But you know, you, you would all Eat dinner or breakfast the next morning. No one brought it up.

[Sam Morril]

Sucks. You get a bad side effect to like an already bad thing.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, good point. Yeah, I was just so. I think I was just so scared.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that sucks.

[Mark Normand]

Good times.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was scared at night. I would hallucinate all the time. Really do that in the middle of night.

[Sam Morril]

What is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, like we just like see shit. I would always see these things that I thought were fingers. Anytime I got a fever, I would see a finger poking out of all these places. And my mom would come in, I'd be like, get the finger. And I'd be like, it's in your hair.

[Sam Morril]

It's your dad.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was a cock. It was a cock. Because my dad would walk around naked. It took me forever to realize that it was a big penis. Because I was like, it's big finger. It's like a thick big finger. And then as I began.

[Sam Morril]

You got your revenge by referring to his cock as a finger.

[Jordan Jensen]

Finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your finger out of here.

[Mark Normand]

I see a guy like a coat rack. And you're like, is that a guy?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God, the coat racks.

[Mark Normand]

But never had the dick finger. Dead.

[Jordan Jensen]

Isn't it? Our brains would do crazy things with a coat on a chair.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

[Mark Normand]

100%.

[Jordan Jensen]

Or like in wood on wood paneling.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Scary. So scary.

[Mark Normand]

I have still have home home invasion up here. Like, I'm scared of spiders or heights or whatever. Home invasion is my. I got a real problem with that.

[Sam Morril]

And you. And it happened to you in New York too, which is like crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

[Jordan Jensen]

Did somebody steal all your he.

[Sam Morril]

When he was in the Village. Yeah. You left town.

[Mark Normand]

Guy came in through the window on the fire escape. He climbed up the fire escape. I left my window open. I was on like the second floor. And a. He won. He was a crackhead. Broke in, stepped across my bed so you could see the footprints. And then.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's more horrifying.

[Mark Normand]

Horrifying. And then I came home and like a bunch of was turned over. But he found I had a drawer with all my good stuff in it. I didn't have a safe. I had a drawer because I had cash, drugs, brass knuckles, a knife, you know, all cool guy. You know, a baseball cards, a Playboy, a slingshot.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And. But I had like. Like six grand in cash from seller spots. I would just throw it in there every night. And he took all of it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. I have mine distributed around oh, good move. That's also why part of the reason I got a dog was because there was a fire escape that went right into my window. Like that.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Jordan Jensen]

She's tiny. She barks at everything that she. She sounds big.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you put some cash in those pads and no one's going near that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I'll tell you that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, look at those. Look at that diaper come on.

[Mark Normand]

Anyone else? Hard.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just a big step in my life to get rid of the tampons.

[Mark Normand]

I know, but you got to pull a messy pad out of your panties.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, like this. Rip it off. And then all of a sudden your underwear, it's like it would nothing ever. Oh, the, The. The tampon. You pull it out, there's blood hanging off of it.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's horrendous. Sometimes it gets full, so you can just push it out like that. That sucks. Yeah. It's not good.

[Sam Morril]

Being a woman's tough.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's quite. It's pretty. That's why. That's what my whole hour is about, is about how it's like, weird that we have to do all this disgusting shit and yet we have to be hot. Some women, not me.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Jordan Jensen]

It is weird. It's weird that your wife, like ripped open and pushed a child out and it's now hot again.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. She looks good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. That's nuts.

[Mark Normand]

How does that happen?

[Sam Morril]

What'd she do? She go into the gym and stuff a lot.

[Mark Normand]

She works out from home. But, you know, you shed a lot of it just naturally.

[Jordan Jensen]

Your ankles get scary?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, she actually kind of killed it during pregnancy. She looked good the whole time. We'd have pregnant sex. You roll her over and get in there.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's all you need.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

This little mail slot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Sometimes you can feel the baby's hand on your. On your hands.

[Sam Morril]

Double teaming her.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Or high fiving.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So. But yeah. Yeah, she's. You shed a lot of it. And she's. She's active. She's always walking and moving around. So. Yeah, it sheds.

[Jordan Jensen]

How is being. Is it crazy? Crazy?

[Mark Normand]

It's crazy. It's crazy because you. You miss. You go on the road and used to go on the road. You're like, look at this. I'm waking up at midnoon in a hotel and now I'm like, what's the baby doing? Does he remember me?

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

I'm texting her like, hey, tell the baby I said hi. And she's like, it's a baby. You Know, but I. You. I went to Europe and you're like, God, I gotta get back. I missed the baby.

[Jordan Jensen]

So pro baby.

[Mark Normand]

I. I was never a baby guy either. I've never held a baby, never changed a diaper until this.

[Sam Morril]

You figure it out.

[Mark Normand]

You figure it out. Big time time. It kicks in because you have to.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is it annoying, the crying?

[Mark Normand]

It is. But you kind of learn what the baby likes and what he doesn't like. So the crying goes down and he's.

[Sam Morril]

Used to it with her. So, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jordan Jensen]

And did it bring you guys up closer? Further?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, definitely closer.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

You're a team now? It's two against one.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, cool. Do you want kids?

[Sam Morril]

I think I would someday.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, we've talked about this.

[Sam Morril]

I'm getting older, Chris.

[Jordan Jensen]

Stefano's kid made me want a kid. Kid?

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

You, the kid made you want a kid?

[Jordan Jensen]

Me, the kid? Yeah. I could have a kid to all the time. It was mine, legally.

[Mark Normand]

The girl.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, we were hanging out.

[Mark Normand]

She's funny. She's really funny, dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

At one point we're all going like this because she had to stay outside. And we're like all trying to figure out how to go up so that somebody's babysitting her at all time. And we're doing like Rubik's Cube math where like, Sam goes up, up, then Jordan.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God, that was a crazy day.

[Jordan Jensen]

Excuse me, excuse me. We're like, quiet, you're a child. And then finally she goes. The person who goes up first will go up and then come back out and watch me the whole time. We were like, yes.

[Mark Normand]

It was something like, wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was something like that.

[Sam Morril]

That was in Hammond, Indiana, at a casino. You, me and Chris. That was hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I was picturing the Cellar in my head. This is at Hammond.

[Sam Morril]

No, they wouldn't let a kid in the casino. So. So we were like, okay. So Jordan and I were like, like, we'll. We'll stay outside and watch the kid. And. And they were like, the kid can't come in. I'm like, but we're performing. They're like, state rules. Can't be in. And we're like, but surely there's. Oh, yeah. He had a big thing on his face.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was like, why can we not bring the kid? But you could bring.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's. That's way more offensive than a child or goiter.

[Mark Normand]

What are we talking about?

[Jordan Jensen]

Goiter.

[Sam Morril]

It was fucking.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was a big ass goiter.

[Mark Normand]

Yikes.

[Sam Morril]

If I right hooked him, that would have exploded. We could have made a run for it. But, no, it was crazy. And he was. He was like. Like he was one of those, like, real, like, I'm in charge type guys. Like, we're just trying to.

[Jordan Jensen]

We're being so cool, though. I was so mad. Yeah, you were being so diplomatic. I get so mad. I'm like, what? I get very Italian, very quick. I just want a fist fight. Okay, we'll figure it out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. We're just trying to keep the kid calm.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, I try and get in a physical fight. Constant. I fight with people all the time.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. When's the last time you threw. You threw hands?

[Jordan Jensen]

At the airport. What? At the airport.

[Mark Normand]

You're that guy. You're the airport fight guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Outside, I tried to fight a guy recently where I said, let's go outside and talk about this. And Jake, like, grabbed me and was like, don't. I'll have to fight. And I was like, okay, fine.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true. Jake's four foot three.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, man. You're fighting men.

[Jordan Jensen]

I. Yeah, if I have to. This guy I fought. The one guy I fought. They don't fight back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So you just end up. I just smushed him against a car and was screaming at him and saying that he kids, which is crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because he hit my dog with his bag on purpose. What? Dude, I flipped out.

[Sam Morril]

Was it definitely on purpose?

[Jordan Jensen]

Excuse me? And then I go. I said, excuse me for you. He goes, excuse me. And then I go, surely he's not talking to me. There's so much room. That's crazy. And then he goes, I said, excuse me, and hit her.

[Sam Morril]

Whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

She was like, oh. You know. And she's the cutest angel. Love my life. And so then I ran after him, and he goes. I said, excuse me. And I was like, you. I was like, you're a sociopath.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you're in the right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. There was a group of black girls there that was sick, because they were cheering me on.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

That makes you.

[Mark Normand]

That's big.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I was like, sociopaths. What else do you do, you kids? And then I went, hey, everybody. This guy, kids. And he was like, what are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm getting carried away.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. That's my worst nightmare at an airport. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I don't want to get busted either.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get so pissed, but it's just justice. It's like if something happens that.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nobody. You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And nothing better Than a group of black girls on your side oh, ye.

[Jordan Jensen]

While waiting for the bus because it was outside at the Uber stand.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, it was good. Damn. Well, hey, check out the special.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I wish it was me. No, take me with you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Take me with you.

[Sam Morril]

Or let's get some tour dates going here. Who is this for here?

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys been here? Mark Ridley's.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's great room. Classic.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. Old school. And you know what I love about that club? It's in Royal Oak, Michigan. You'll be there. Jordan will be the June 12th through the. Through the 14th. It's got like every old headshot. So I love. I love clubs that, like, you're, like, you're walking by like Gary Shanley.

[Mark Normand]

I'm John Stewart.

[Sam Morril]

I love shitling.

[Mark Normand]

Lot of history.

[Sam Morril]

You'll be in D.C. the following weekend, June 20th through 22nd. Then Denver at Comedy Works. Great club.

[Jordan Jensen]

Great club.

[Sam Morril]

Dallas, Texas. Oh, you're hitting the road hard in the summer, too. July. Dallas in July. Lovely time to go to Texas.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. Austin.

[Sam Morril]

The first through the third. You'll be at the Mothership. That's cool. And then. Oh, Matt, you're just doing like the best clubs ever here. Comedy on stage.

[Jordan Jensen]

Let's see when it's summer.

[Mark Normand]

These are great.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, Spoke.

[Mark Normand]

It's fun. Watch out for the candy. Bray. Improv's a great.

[Sam Morril]

These are all great clubs.

[Mark Normand]

Big. So watch that.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I love Rochester. I'm going there that month too. I love Rochester.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's near home. So I'll just go.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. The Darkness.

[Sam Morril]

And then Houston. You're hitting the road hard. Greenville, South Carolina. This is gonna be a fun little ride. And then you're hitting Europe. Look at that. In the fall. Go see Jordan all over Europe. London, Amsterdam, Oslo. I'll give you a little some tips for these places, because I just did it too. Paris, Berlin, Nashville. Then back to Nashville. You're hitting it hard.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Go see Jordan Jensen on the road. Punchup Live. JordanJensen, this is me, Red Bank, New Jersey. The Count Basie. July 12th, the Wilbur. What day is that? August 7th. I'll be at Boston. The Wilbur. Irvine Improv. August 22nd through 24th. We got Oklahoma City the following weekend. That's a fun one too. The venetian in Vegas. September 19th. Rochester as well. I'll be there. The Carlson. The 25th through the 27th. Then we got Chicago theater. October 4th, one of my favorite rooms. Next night, Winnipeg. As I said, going Back to Utah. November 14th through 16th, Salt Lake City. Wise guys and Then Carnegie Hall, New York City, December 4th. Buy tickets, please. I hope to see you there. That's a fun. Marcus, what do you think?

[Mark Normand]

Speaking of upstate, one of the best.

[Sam Morril]

Great room.

[Mark Normand]

Burlington, Vermont, Wan. Whatever that is. Green Bay, that'll be a connecting flight. Eugene, Oregon, at the McDonald Theater. San Jose, Hyannis, Mass, in the Melody Tent. Come on out to that. Beantown and connecting areas. Then I'm at the Grand Cedar Showroom at Foxwoods in Connecticut. Ben Salem at the Parks Casino. Then we're going Australia, New Zealand, folks. Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth. And then I'm off in the Hamptons for a night bringing the wife and the baby. We'll hit the. Hit the water. Then I'm going to Alberta with Adam Ray, doing the outdoor festival. Vegas, Dallas. Nine shows sold out. And wow. Yeah. Back in the clubs, I'm running an hour or doing a special shoot in October, November, so I'm just running it. Then Akron, Dayton, Canada, Anal queef, semen. We'll see it. Hell, thanks a lot, folks. Jordan.

[Sam Morril]

Look out for Jordan. Special coming to hopefully Netflix in September. And being Ian and being Rip Jordan Jensen. And Rip Jordan Jensen.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have here.

[Mark Normand]

Huh?

[Jordan Jensen]

I have a solo.

[Mark Normand]

Oh. Oh, great. Oh, boy. You're busy.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm very busy.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sleep all right?

[Mark Normand]

Yes, thank you. Sunday's the day for my next Fender.

[Jordan Jensen]

A bit of Pever wrecking up the beer.

[Sam Morril]

Jew's close.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like the cops coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way we might be true.