Ep 260: Pete Holmes

Summary

We Might Be Drunk – Episode 260: Pete Holmes (Dec 1, 2025)

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Episode Overview

This episode of We Might Be Drunk features comedians Mark Normand and Sam Morril hosting the ever-thoughtful and high-energy Pete Holmes. The trio dives deep into the eccentricities of stand-up, the struggle of joke-writing, moments of vulnerability, and a parade of classic comedy lore—all while riffing off their own histories and neuroses. With a conversational, playful tone, they revisit wild onstage experiences, comedy’s constantly shifting culture, lessons from legends, and the often-awkward intersection of personal life and career.

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Key Discussion Points

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1. Nightmares on Stage: Medical Emergencies & Awkward Moments

• Pete’s Emergency Story: Pete shares about a woman collapsing mid-set, disrupting the show’s momentum and leading to a heartwarming crowd response.

  • "I was just honest. That's always the best move, right? I was like, I don't know what to do..." (00:27)

  • Audience members quickly bring a wheelchair and settle her bill, exemplifying community kindness.

• Sam’s Stroke Story: Sam recounts doing a gig in Scottsdale when an audience member suffers a stroke. The club owner tries to “kill time” by doing crowd work as an ambulance is called, which the group finds both horrifying and darkly funny.

  • "Howard's like, I'll kill some time. Dude, you gotta just let him have a stroke." (06:26)

• The Moral Dilemma: The comedians reflect on the challenge of “continuing after” and the truth that sometimes you’ve just got to halt the show and care for people.

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2. Comedy Scene Evolution: From Gritty NY to Social Media

• The Bill Hicks Crowd: Pete talks about the early days in New York, where aspiring comics would push boundaries just for shock value, often resulting in tense rooms and audience exodus.

  • "Her closer was about Jesus having anal sex. ...I thought it was me and Bargazzi waiting to go up after two and a half hours of really hard stuff." (04:34)

• Edgy Versus Clean: Mark and Pete reflect on “clean” comics being often underestimated, and how some crowds demand “dirtier” punchlines.

  • "You think I'm like, what do you think this is? ...I'm not saying [the c-word] because it's funnier to watch you say it in your mind." (05:24)

• Shift to Clips & Individualism: The rise of online clips changes the culture—comedians now chase viral moments, which can disrupt the classic “comedy family” feeling.

  • "You're going out to get the clip, to get paid...But I do miss that camaraderie, because comedy is the closest thing I have to, like, a heritage and a culture." (39:04)

• Lamenting the Loss of Community: Mark and Sam remember alt-scene clubs and bar shows as formative, while Pete notes things are more fragmented now.

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3. Comedic Process: Jokes That Don’t Work—Until They Do!

• ‘B-Side’ Bits: The hosts dissect jokes that bomb in clubs but become favorites in specials or online—often, a comic’s truest gems are missed in a standard set.

  • Pete: "The bits that don't work, but you believe they're great—do them on your special, because they're your crowd." (58:41)

  • Sam: "You're easing towards it in the set...and you're like, this isn't gonna fucking hit." (58:46)

• The Power of Delivery: Louie CK’s success is discussed—sometimes a line only crushes when delivered the “wrong” way, or almost as an afterthought.

  • "He was delivering it more like a punchline and it wasn’t hitting. ...He just says it kind of under his breath more casually. And it’s killing.” (53:24, Sam)

• Support for Each Other's Bits: The panel encourages each other to resurrect underappreciated material, recognizing that loyalty to a joke can eventually give payoff with the right audience.

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4. Comedy Royalty: Seinfeld, Burr, and Inspirations

• Meeting Seinfeld: Pete and Mark recount awkward encounters with Jerry Seinfeld, both eager and cringey. Pete tells how he geeked out and complimented Jerry, while Mark got brushed aside for quoting Seinfeld at him.

  • "Are you master of your domain?" He just turned around and walked away." (15:13, Mark)

• Celebrity Interactions: They muse on how to act cool around big names, with Pete likening it to choosing between a “fun” peak experience and a slow, real friendship.

  • "It's a hot chick moment.” (14:26, Sam)

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5. Joke Dissection: Favorite Old Bits & Comedy Mathematics

• Classic Joke Sharings: The group swaps favorite bits from their own material and others, analyzing what makes them work, why some never catch, and why some only work with time.

  • Mark: "Puerto Rico won." (44:28)

  • Pete: "'You ever see a kid so fat he looks like he has a job?' ...That’s a perfect joke.” (43:51)

• Recycling from Friends & Life:

  • They discuss using jokes or labels that others gave them.
    • Pete: "Josh Lieb… said to me, ‘Pete, you look like… this is the only universe where you’re not a youth pastor.' … Became my most reliable [bit].” (72:14)
  • Embracing feedback from respected friends, even if it stings.

• Scene Structure: They reference influences like Dov Davidoff for anchoring in the crowd, Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright for approach, and Carlin for writing “brain droppings”.

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6. The Vulnerabilities and Addictions of Comics

• Comic Addicts, Extremes, and Ice Baths: Pete opens up about the “addict brain”—seeking extreme solutions, not moderation, whether in carnivore diets or ice plunges.

  • "I'm a real addict. So I'm chasing those like sober highs... I love the ice." (08:42, Pete)

• Being Sober(ish): Pete identifies as “not drinking” but still smokes and does psychedelics, exploring the comic-industrial chase for new highs.

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7. Sex, Porn & The Oddities of American States

• Porn in Repressed States: Riffing on moralistic states’ bans, the crew jokes about religious conventions and hypocrisy, leading into a fun analysis of a porn-by-state map.

  • "The protest too much thing...The guy that’s the most homophobic, he’s gay. The guy that’s like, 'make porn illegal'… his search words are hard." (20:05, Pete)
  • "Texas is into lesbian...Hentai in Nebraska...This chart is all come challenge." (23:15+)

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8. Opening & Opener Bits

• On Impressions, Self-Deprecation, and Identity:
  • Pete explores how embracing “what people tell you you are” can be comedic gold (fun dad, lesbian Val Kilmer, youth pastor).
  • "If someone you respect makes fun of you, write it down." (71:02, Pete)

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9. Honesty in Comedy

• On Going All-In: The best comics don’t just “go to the line,” but go through the door—admitting uncomfortable truths, as Louie and others do.

  • "Louie will always be like – 'cause I’m lonely and horny and scared.'... It’s incredibly vulnerable." (52:52, Pete)

• On Accusations & Joke Ownership: The problems with fans accusing comics of joke theft and the impossibility of “owning” a premise.

  • “I got accused of doing a Mulaney bit because I have a bit about the captcha test and Mulaney has a bit about the captcha test. …Chests exist.” (85:04, Pete)

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10. Wisdom from Legends

• On Fame, Validation, and Letting Go: The group discusses advice from Maya Angelou & Seinfeld about not believing the praise or the hate.

  • "Don’t pick it up, don’t lay it down." (85:55+)
  • "Comedy – you’re going to get the most venom… and the most compliments, and they’re all lies." (88:37)

• On Career Consistency:

  • Pete shares Conan’s advice, via Kieran Culkin's acting journey: stick with your “triangle” and, over time, you’ll cut through the noise.

  • "[Conan said] Kieran is like… I just kept hitting the same triangle. And because of its consistency, you start to emerge through all the noise." (94:10)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• "You book home till you get a clip." — Mark Normand & Pete Holmes, (02:46)
• "You can't just take it off. [Bob Marley’s toe] It spread too quickly." — Sam Morril (11:19)
• "The bits that don't work, but you believe they're great—do them on your special..." — Pete Holmes (58:41)
• "If someone you respect makes fun of you, write it down." — Pete Holmes (71:02)
• "You ever see a kid so fat he looks like he has a job?" — (unattributed old open mic bit, 43:51, Pete recounting)
• "Are you master of your domain?" He just turned around and walked away." — Mark Normand’s Seinfeld story (15:13)
• "It’s almost like ADD, at least a touch of it, is really helpful in this [job]." — Sam Morril (87:21)

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Comedy Culture & Community—Where Are We Now?

• The New York grind and "Cellar" culture: Hanging out with comics from mixed generations, sharing bits, and learning from seniors is becoming lost in the era of online content and personal branding.
• Trend toward isolation and “getting clips”: A double-edged sword—possible for comics to blow up before they’re ready, but also a democratizing force.
• Retaining a sense of culture, oral tradition, and belonging: The group values the "oral tradition" of passing down bits, tagging jokes, and shaping each other.

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Under-the-Radar Segments / Insights

• On “Crowd Work” and Riffing: Pete describes sprinkling interaction with the crowd to keep himself (and the show) fresh, not just “phoning in” the act. (31:30+)
• On Family at Shows: All agree it’s weird, often stressful, and awkward when family attends, especially mothers. Sam’s mom asking for “25 comps” at Carnegie Hall gets laughs (79:09).
• On Jokes Cut for Sensibility: Pete talks about bits (like the pedophile jokes) that he’s cut for being too dark despite loving them.

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Timestamps for Essential Segments

• 00:06 – Opening (onstage panic, medical emergencies)
• 02:46 – “You book home till you get a clip” & community care at shows
• 04:34 – New York alt scene & Bill Hicks influence
• 06:26 – Sam’s stroke show story
• 14:26 & 15:13 – Meeting Seinfeld, awkward moments
• 20:05 – Porn hypocrisy and the “protest too much” theme
• 31:30 & 32:00 – How and why Pete does certain crowd work
• 39:04 – "Rise of the Clip" culture & loss of comedy camaraderie
• 43:51 – Pete’s favorite “perfect open mic joke”
• 58:41 – “Do your best bits that bomb in clubs on your special” advice
• 79:09 – Sam’s mom and Carnegie Hall
• 85:55 – Maya Angelou’s “Don’t pick it up, don’t lay it down” wisdom
• 88:37 – Seinfeld’s “all lies” perspective on compliments and hate
• 94:10 – Conan’s triangle noise theory about cutting through the world’s chaos

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Final Thoughts & Plugs

• Pete Holmes plugs his podcast, monthly Largo show, and upcoming tour dates (Milwaukee, Brea, San Francisco, Miami, Madison, Denver, North/South Carolina).
• Mark Normand is headed to various clubs for a new hour: Kansas City, Des Moines, Vegas, San Antonio, Tulsa, and more.
• Sam Morril celebrates Carnegie Hall and previews his next special in Tampa.

The trio toast the value of staying “real” in comedy, commiserate about creative struggles, and revel in the oral history of stand-up. They wrap on advice about ego and consistency: Don’t believe the hype, or the hate, and keep banging your triangle.

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Useful for listeners and comics alike, this episode is a blend of hilarious anecdotes, hard-learned career truths, and a celebration of comedy as both art and “family.”

Transcript

[Sam Morril]

Have you guys ever been near panic attack on stage?

[Mark Normand]

I don't think so. I've been near shitting.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. At a club. Where was I? Maybe I'll leave out where I was.

[Sam Morril]

It's better.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was doing a club. This was about a week ago, late Friday. Lady in the front. Lovely lady. Meaning I had engaged with her a couple times. And I don't really do crowd work. So she was talking to me, and so I was addressing her and, you know, being nice and everything. Towards the 45 minute mark. I only know that. Cause you'll see, she collapses. Whoa. She falls. I look up, there's like a commotion. And she's on the ground and she's going, I'm okay. And of course, I go, like, vaccine, Vaccine. The microchip working. I forgot that my Illuminati app, I had set it to go off right before I closed. No, she. She kind of had like a head wrap. That could have gone either. Maybe she was struggling with something. I know it's hard to riff on the subject, but she did fall, and it was impossible to continue.

[Mark Normand]

Head wrap before or after.

[Pete Holmes]

The head wrap was sort of like she might have been. Oh, no, no, not gauze. Like a stylish head wrap, but that might have conveyed chemotherapy.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. I would say if someone's got gauze on their head, don't sit them up front.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Mark Normand]

Don't move.

[Pete Holmes]

But I just was like, I don't know what. I was just honest. That's always the best move, right? I was like, I don't know what to do. I could keep going. I tried, like, a couple quick jokes, and they got laughs. But they're these types of laughs. Like, our health is so real. When you see someone down. And they got her up but down. Here's the sweet punchline, though. I'm not going to make it about me. I was going to say I have really sweet fans. I'm trying to compliment them. The people at their table, strangers, had a wheelchair. Went and got it.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

They brought a wheelchair. Was in almost immediately after I got off stage. And I was like, you guys just have a wheelchair. They were like, those are the people that they were with. And they paid their bill. I was like, that's so sweet. They were just like, we got her bill. We got our wheelchair. Keep the wheelchair. I think wheelchairs are like, keep the wheelchair.

[Mark Normand]

Right? Yeah, you keep that.

[Sam Morril]

Come back a week later. You're like, I want that.

[Pete Holmes]

Where's that chair?

[Mark Normand]

It's like Tupperware.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little bit like Tupperware. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

So that just happened.

[Mark Normand]

That must have been one at the club. No one travels with a wheelchair loose.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I think they had it in their car.

[Sam Morril]

But why would they have a spare chair?

[Pete Holmes]

A spare chair?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

These are the good chamaritans.

[Mark Normand]

You book home till you get a clip.

[Pete Holmes]

You book home till you get a clip.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, you were seas at gauze. I was sitting on Gaza Strip for about a half an hour. I don't want to interrupt, but yeah, yeah. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Spirit, even gauze humor, I won't do.

[Sam Morril]

I had a guy have a stroke in my crowd once. And remember Stand Up Scottsdale?

[Pete Holmes]

Of course.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where the owner was the host.

[Sam Morril]

He ran the club.

[Pete Holmes]

Do 45.

[Sam Morril]

Do 45. And then he would. Yeah, he'd do a lot of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Do 45 rails and tell. Like I shouldn't. No, it's funny. He's a nice guy. Stories, like, kind of hard stories.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, Hard stories.

[Sam Morril]

And then he'd be like, make sure you give us five stars. I'm like, he can't do that in the middle of the set, bro. You can't. Like on religion. And then be like, make sure you give us a high rating.

[Mark Normand]

That's always.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, whenever I'm in New York, I remember this. And I don't. I am going to say this. I'm not dragging anybody. Just when you're starting. I feel like in New York especially, you run into more Bill Hicks, kind of inspired guys and girls. In fact, the person I'm thinking of was a woman. Her closer was about Jesus having anal sex. But, like, it wasn't just that. It was so risque. It was like, not really kind of hot. It was a little hot. I had to go up rock hard. But I did always follow her. And I would go up. I'd have to excuse myself through everyone leaving. Like, that was her. That sounds like a bit. But like, she just walked. I was gonna say that was her light. That's how she knew to wrap it up was when no one was left. But. But she was a funny person. I'm just saying she had rough. Rough. I heard the C word when I first got to New York. You never. Unless it was a British. You know, maybe you'd hear from.

[Mark Normand]

Right. A Jeffries.

[Sam Morril]

It's softer out of a Brit or an all.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Twat to twat.

[Mark Normand]

Twat.

[Sam Morril]

Cute.

[Mark Normand]

I like twat.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd put a baby to sleep with. Twat, twat.

[Mark Normand]

It's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

But I heard so Many C words. And I at that time was like, like. And I thought I represented the audience. I thought it was me and Bargazzi. I thought, oh, geez, I had. And we were kind of like in the back waiting to go up after like two and a half hours of really hard stuff.

[Mark Normand]

Two and a half.

[Sam Morril]

Why is she going so long?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, she didn't do two and a half. I mean, the whole show and then we go at the end. But it was a real start at seven.

[Sam Morril]

And a half hour chunk.

[Mark Normand]

Because you were clean back in the day.

[Pete Holmes]

I was clean. Very much, much cleaner than I am now.

[Mark Normand]

Not that you're filthy, but.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I know, but I am dirtier than people think.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't say see. I'll say see if it comes up. I had a bit where I would imply the word, the C word. And sometimes, especially in places like stand up Scottsdale, people would go, say it, say it. And like, I took offense at that. I was like, you think I won't say, like, you think I'm like, what do you think this is? Like I'm flying the plane. I'm not saying it because it's funnier to watch you say it in your mind. Like, don't I have a real, like, competitive. Even though I'm clean, you test me. I'll be like, no, I'll do whatever it takes to make you laugh.

[Mark Normand]

You've had sex. Like, what are these people in Britain? I was.

[Sam Morril]

Not true.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish. I wish I missed my.

[Sam Morril]

Like, that club was like, old. I remember the dude had a stroke in the audience and I was just on stage and I was like, I got a good laugh and then I saw a bottle get kicked over. I was like, oh, I guess I'm really killing. They're like, no, he's having a stroke. I was like, oh, shit. So I had to stop the show. And that guy Howard, I was like, just call an ambulance. And I get off stage. And Howard's like, I'll kill some time. And I was like, fuck. He's doing crowd work with the stroke guy while we're waiting for an ambulance. And I was like, dude, you gotta just let him have a stroke.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, by the way, that's like the most obvious. I hear that a lot in crowd work. You talk to a drunk person, then you say, are you having a stroke? Like, that's like. That's right in your pocke. If they're incoherent, you say, is this guy having A stroke.

[Sam Morril]

Big laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy is having a stroke.

[Mark Normand]

He's having a stroke.

[Sam Morril]

And. And then Howard's like, it's gonna be cool. I've had a stroke. I'm like, yeah, but you had a stroke from, like, 16 Red Bulls and Coke. Like, you. It's your fault. You had a stroke. This guy's an older guy. It just, you know, happened. But he seemed okay when they got him out. But you're like, holy shit. Yeah. You're like, do I. Do I go back up?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A friend of mine had a stroke in college, and he was from doing, like, too many sit ups.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

He was really going for it, and they said he had his hands. This is a theory. I don't think they ever really know if. Unless you're like, yeah, a celebrity. Let's really go in there and find out why. Duchovny stroke. I shouldn't have cursed. Duchovny. I met Alan Duchovny, star of the Y Files.

[Mark Normand]

So anyway, he truth is out there.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I knew you wouldn't leave me alone. He's okay. I want to believe he's okay. Okay. Are the refs done? Anyway, he ripped a tendon on his neck and it sent a clot. So he's like, 23.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

Four. In incredible shape. And I went to see him in the hospital, and I, like, patch Adam his ass. Like, I wouldn't stop doing bits.

[Sam Morril]

All the doctors. You must have felt incredible, too.

[Pete Holmes]

It did.

[Sam Morril]

Because you're like, I'm stronger than you in this moment. You used to be stronger.

[Mark Normand]

And now I win.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew I was right about not doing sit ups.

[Sam Morril]

Well, Teddy Bruski, the linebacker, remember? He had a fucking stroke. He's in the NFL. He was, like, one of the best players in the NFL. He had a stroke.

[Pete Holmes]

I worry about the amounts of. I don't know. I feel like we're in a weird time where it's like, you wanna be healthy, Eat a cow's face? Like, I think that's gonna catch up to us. I'm just saying it in the same way that in the 90s, we were like, eggs are good, eggs are bad. Which is it? Meat is having a moment.

[Mark Normand]

Big moment.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think it's gonna bite us in the butt.

[Mark Normand]

I do meet in cold water. Everybody's gonna have a cold shower, an ice plunge.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The ice plunge.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Ice plunging. Guilty on that one.

[Sam Morril]

But, oh, yeah. It feels pretty good.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Sam Morril]

You feel good after.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel it all day. That's why And I'm a. I'm a real addict. So I'm chasing those like sober highs. Oh, that's why nobody.

[Sam Morril]

Are you sober?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't drink. I smoke a little bit and I do psychedelics so I can't claim sober. But I do love the, the ice. Nobody, nobody in the ice.

[Mark Normand]

You know, send it to Trump. I love ice. I endorse ice. Love ice, love an ice bath.

[Pete Holmes]

I gotta clean these guys. Get em out there, get em out there nice and clean. Hey, you don't want an aroma giving you away. I don't like riffing on this topic because it's so sad, but I'm bound by the laws of. Yes, Sam.

[Sam Morril]

Comic first.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

We should have ice for comedians. Like if they steal jokes or if they're too hacky, be like, call ice and they come pull them off stage.

[Sam Morril]

I think that's called threads, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what is threads? Because that was the sponsor Twitter threads.

[Mark Normand]

Instagram's Twitter or you know, you can comment and post jokes.

[Sam Morril]

It's like, it's like left. It's like Twitter now.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, but the New York Comedy Fest was brought to us by threads.com. was that. That was it. Oh, threads.com is a clothing company. Okay.

[Sam Morril]

How does he let that happen?

[Pete Holmes]

Who? Trump?

[Sam Morril]

No, Zuckerberg.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm putting the coffee Trump. Oh no. I was so ready. When a guy has an impression, you.

[Mark Normand]

Know Keith Robinson had a stroke from Viag.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what it was?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Got the heart.

[Sam Morril]

Altitude. Yeah, sure. I mean it's the least sympathetic stroke story.

[Pete Holmes]

Boner stroke.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he was, he was going to Phoenix to get ass.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

And he. And instead. And instead of going to the hospital, he went to go get the ass.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, so that's the key. If you're having a show, go to the hospital now.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

My buddy that had one, he was. He also said it's gonna sound stupid, but he was like don't push on the toilet. Cause that's what kinda like got it over the hump.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

So this is what makes the clot. So that's now just like a free floatin thing. And then there has to be some sort of push.

[Sam Morril]

But that makes sense though, cause you're stressed. I mean that's like a stress shit, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're back to meat. I'd like to see the BMs of these carnivore guys.

[Sam Morril]

John Wayne's butthole.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd love to see John Wayne.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Sam Morril]

No, John Wayne. Like when he died, they were like this guy Ate way too much red meat.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? Yeah. This is like when you find out the Bob Marley dreadlock thing isn't real.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Remember when they were like, they found 800 species of bugs and it was just like a racist guy started a rumor?

[Mark Normand]

I never heard that one.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it started as a, like a racist joke.

[Mark Normand]

Somebody improvised.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you found it and then it became a fact. It's not real.

[Mark Normand]

You know what sucked about Bob Marley? His toe killed him. It was a toe cancer. One little toe.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Killed the.

[Sam Morril]

You can't just take it off. It spread too quickly.

[Mark Normand]

I think in the Rastafari religion, this.

[Sam Morril]

Is another racist joke coming up.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta leave the toes on or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

He died from toe cancer?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, toe cake. He kicked a soccer ball one day and he was like, ah, my toe went in, killed him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yikes. Yeah, the soccer ball. Seems like somebody who didn't know what happened made it up. I don't know if he was kicking a soccer ball in a big field.

[Sam Morril]

And what's the deal with John Wayne's? I think it was seven pounds of undigested meat in his stomach when he died.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's like a Bonnie Blue thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say this just because I think it's useful. The guy that used to be on the Biggest Loser, which I've never seen. So it's one of the train was a big, like keto. Only me, just me. And I'm not here to give health advice. I'm just saying that dude had a stroke at like the peak of his health and is now a pretty loud voice to be like, guys, after the stroke.

[Sam Morril]

I said, not that loud after the stroke.

[Pete Holmes]

No, he's okay, actually. Cuz he was incredibly fit. So he bounced back. So, so did my friend, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

But that's, that's a crazy thing though. But yeah, anything in moderation. Like, why are you eating meat? Like 21 meals a week?

[Mark Normand]

Don't have that.

[Pete Holmes]

I run risk for that. And it's an addict thing too. Addicts, really? Meat, it's black and white. Thinking is like, that's why, like people in cold plunges, I love it. I love a cold plunge. And then you get in the hot tub. Like, I love extremes. My wife makes fun of me. She's like, you like to be real cold, you like to be real hot. Like there's no middle way. And it's the same. Like, if I were doing Carnivore, it would make perfect sense to me because I'd just be like, Just this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's a comic thing, too. I don't want to waste time thinking about it, so if you just tell me what to eat.

[Mark Normand]

The old Seinfeld bed.

[Pete Holmes]

You look good. What are you eating?

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember in the supermarket? You look all right.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. You don't know what to do is you just ask people, just, what are you eating? Right. Right. And it's like, mosquito. What is that made for? Mosquitoes. That's one of those bits you think of and go, I would never say that out loud. And then it says all act.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's absolutely true. I forgot. Mesquite made from mosquito.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, that's on telling you for the last time, what is mesquite, by.

[Pete Holmes]

The way, you're not going to meet a bigger Seinfeld fan.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you're talking to him.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. I love the thing you did in your show with it, the. With Derosa. New material.

[Pete Holmes]

I got to meet Jerry, and he said, I love new material.

[Sam Morril]

Science.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

So he came up to me. Yeah. And that's what I did. And then I immediately realized I shouldn't have done that. Like, what Mark is doing is what I did. And I watched him being like, I guess we're not gonna be friends. Like I saw. I just think I freaked him out. I won't flatter myself. I didn't freak him out, But I wasn't cool. I could have been like, oh, thanks, man. But I was like, I did.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, either I could have a 1 in 3,000 chance of maybe becoming his friend by being cool, or I could just get. Get the lump sum now and have the fun of being like, holy shit. You either repress that feeling for a lottery ticket to maybe be his real friend. I think I made the right choice.

[Sam Morril]

You know what the problem is, is when a guy at that level compliments you, it's. It's a hot chick moment.

[Mark Normand]

Of course.

[Sam Morril]

And if you're like.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, who's the hot chick?

[Sam Morril]

Well, no, Jerry.

[Mark Normand]

He is.

[Sam Morril]

And you just got to play it cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but like.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah. The instinct is like, how can I make this funny?

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I think, like, Burr and Bargazzi, they can be friends. Because Nate would have been like, oh, thanks, Mike.

[Mark Normand]

You're right, thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

And Bill would have been like, you don't fucking mean it. You know?

[Sam Morril]

What would Trump have said?

[Pete Holmes]

Trump would have been like, thank you. I've been working on that bit. New material. Mike Pence, he'd come out, he had his puppet.

[Mark Normand]

I can beat you, though. I got a worse one when I first met him. This is signing 19 years ago. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Jerome.

[Mark Normand]

He was at the creek watching Colin Quinn. And I was like, oh, my God. Jerry's at the creek in the cave. Of all places.

[Pete Holmes]

The dead mice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. In Long Island City. And I went up to it. I went, are you master of your domain? Oh. And he just turned around and walked away. Oh, my God. No words said I.

[Sam Morril]

And then he went up to Rodney Danger was like, I heard you don't get any respect. Shut the fuck up. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny.

[Mark Normand]

Get her done.

[Pete Holmes]

A friend of mine, actually the professor who encouraged me to go into comedy, changed my life. His name is Mark stevek. I love him. He just a little plug, I don't know. Patreon Stevic.

[Mark Normand]

Thanks a lot. SteveK.

[Pete Holmes]

SteveC.

[Mark Normand]

He wrote it for the rest of us.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very good at finding the funniest thing you can. Paris.

[Sam Morril]

There we go. That was fun to be mad at.

[Pete Holmes]

SteveK for getting me into comedy is what most people would need a four minute break to like brainstorm. Just immediately were like, thanks a lot, Steve.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Very, very funny. Anyway, he met David Mamet, who wrote Glengarry. Glenroth.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, One of the best. One of the best.

[Pete Holmes]

And he went up to. And we were like, Jerry. Cause I know this from Comedians and Cars. Jerry is also obsessed with Glengarry.

[Mark Normand]

Glenroth. That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of comics are obsessed with Glengarry.

[Mark Normand]

Roy. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It reminds me of the Cellar. There's like a feeling everybody knows their place. Where are you on the board? It's show business.

[Sam Morril]

There's a lot of Shelley Levine's at the Cellar.

[Pete Holmes]

I gotta follow Moss. And there's a lot of Williamsons.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of like gatekeeping. Kind of like, why is. Why do I have to listen to this person? Especially when you're coming up. But anyway, he goes up to Mamet and he goes, have you made your decision for Christ? Which is a line from Alec Baldwin's speech. There's always be closing a. Always be. Oh, Aida. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Colin Quinn comes in. Falafels for closes.

[Mark Normand]

You fucking pussies.

[Pete Holmes]

But he took the same swing you did. I think it also fell flat. But at least he had that micro.

[Mark Normand]

Moment and now we're cool. So it took. I was like 20.

[Sam Morril]

You got it out of the way and now he gets you. And like, he loves you, dude. I mean, he really. It's it's cool.

[Mark Normand]

But he's coming on here?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's got the text.

[Sam Morril]

They're coming to Carnegie hall too. Whoa, December 4th. Don't know when that is coming out.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, what about Carnegie?

[Sam Morril]

They're coming to Carnegie Hall. I got the text.

[Mark Normand]

So take the F's out, the C's out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Wait, you're opening at Carnegie Hall? No, I'm doing my show at Carnegie hall and they said they're coming, so.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they're gonn.

[Sam Morril]

So yeah, I'm gonna clean up the act a little. What if I just become a complete. I just work clean to impress them.

[Pete Holmes]

That can't be his only thing.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

He say dirty words.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, we're kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Roger Hales. Remember Roger?

[Mark Normand]

Sure, yeah. Best looking guy in comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

The best looking handsome dude. I remember his bets.

[Mark Normand]

I could do me too.

[Sam Morril]

I remember some of those bits too.

[Pete Holmes]

Blazer. Hell yeah you are.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, sounds blazer.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds cooler than it is.

[Mark Normand]

He had a great bit. He's like ever meeting a midget is like a, is like an audition to be normal, you know? Cause you're like, wow. So you're like, I have a very similar pit.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, I'm so proud of myself. I have a 7 year old daughter and a guy came to fix my garage and he had an eye patch and I just ignored it. I couldn't have been more proud of myself. The bit is cut, by the way. It just. People sometimes don't like when I'm making fun of a guy with an eyepatch for some reason.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

I started going like, everybody stares at it. They should sell ads on it. Should say this.

[Sam Morril]

Well, people dissect.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they're dissecting.

[Sam Morril]

If it's okay to laugh at while you're telling it, what's that? They're thinking, is this okay to laugh at while you're. And then you're just like, it is just trust me.

[Pete Holmes]

And it gets. Often I'll cut a bit because it just takes so much energy to be like, no, I'm telling you, like the joke isn't about him. It's about me being proud of myself that I talked to a guy with an eye patch. Like he didn't, you know how badly I wanted to be like, will it be ready Friday? You know what I mean? And I think that's funny because I'm the joke, not him. And I'm like, he got back from some kids caper, seaplane. There are all these great lines in it, Squarespace, blank space to get applause or it would get zero. So it's gone. I think I cut it at Wise Guys.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Really? That's. That seems like, who cares? Eyepatch? Is that offensive?

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes you go to Utah and they're actually more down.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

You either get flavor.

[Sam Morril]

They're either kind of from 30 Rock, or they're, like in, like, a metal band or something. Cats and the ear things, whatever. They're hardcore there.

[Mark Normand]

They can't drink coffee. They can't watch porn. They can't drink alcohol. So they got to go the other way. They got to go tattoos and mohawks.

[Sam Morril]

What's with all these, like, supposed freedom states and the no porn? It is a little weird, right?

[Mark Normand]

It's in my new special. I got a bit about it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's strange.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I grew up religious, and there's a. There's a weird, fun fact that when. Remember when you had to buy your porn in the hotel? When a. And I say this with both. It's funny and a heavy heart, because I was one of these guys. When a youth pastor convention or a religious convention would come through the Holiday Inn porn through the roof, it was a bunch of bastards by themselves because of course.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I hate to be so obvious, but the protest too much thing. The guy that's the most homophobic, he's gay. The guy that's like, we gotta make porn illegal in Tennessee.

[Mark Normand]

Right, bro?

[Pete Holmes]

His search words are hard. They're hard.

[Sam Morril]

They go harder than any of us.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Pull this chart up.

[Sam Morril]

The only good thing about the no point. Like, if you go to Texas or Utah, one of these states, and you're in your hotel and you jack off and you can't get on, you're just like. Like it. I'm going old school.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You took off to your thoughts and you're like. You're proud of yourself.

[Mark Normand]

It's always hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You can't do it.

[Mark Normand]

I'm past that. I'm too far gone.

[Sam Morril]

You think of, like, a. Like a part of a woman's back or something. You figure it out.

[Mark Normand]

I'm Gary.

[Pete Holmes]

Glen Ross.

[Sam Morril]

What was that?

[Mark Normand]

Brass balls.

[Pete Holmes]

What? The great you had in your life. What do you remember?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. I think about that all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

The orgasm sound. She made something her eyes did.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Mmm. Anyone else? Hard?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, blah, blah.

[Sam Morril]

We were sending each other son of a woman clips.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like how he just decided to do that voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That was like. When he told him that was like black Pacino.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like a soul Man.

[Pete Holmes]

And nobody wanted to tell him. Nobody wanted to tell him, but big swing.

[Sam Morril]

He won an Oscar.

[Pete Holmes]

How's your skin, son? I had a blog briefly, and it was called the History of My Skin by Charles Sims, which is what he says. Yeah, the history of My Skin by Charles Sims. Fucking great blog.

[Sam Morril]

It's a bunch of children in this auditorium. He goes, if I was the man I was 10 years ago, I'd take a flamethrower to this place. I'm like, kill all these people. You're gonna kill the children.

[Pete Holmes]

Back to you, too. Phil Hoffman. Phil Hoffman showing us that he's a king, too. Yeah, he's a kid and a king.

[Sam Morril]

He's the best.

[Mark Normand]

She had a great ass.

[Pete Holmes]

Different movie.

[Sam Morril]

Different movie.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm with you. But I want you to know for the comments.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

What about.

[Mark Normand]

Say hello to my little friend.

[Pete Holmes]

That's actually from Must Love Dog.

[Mark Normand]

Pull up the chart of porn and the most watched porn in each state.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to say. I do want to say to you, no morals. You're fucking your dopamine. Like somebody needs to tell you that.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I'm not. I'm not. This isn't about me. I'm just saying it's interesting to see, like, in Utah, it's all interracial in every state goes the other way. You think it would, like, if it's like a racist state. Red state there. It's very my wife. Black guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. Why did I just see a nipple with pills around it? How do they find a way? There we go.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Let's go state by state.

[Mark Normand]

They're all the opposite.

[Sam Morril]

These are football.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this isn't about me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I thought you were gonna do some born again lecture. I got nervous.

[Pete Holmes]

I told you no. No morality.

[Mark Normand]

But, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, lesbian's big in the southwest.

[Mark Normand]

I'll say.

[Pete Holmes]

You know why I like lesbian? Much higher chance they're enjoying it. There's an attunement. You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, milf.

[Mark Normand]

This is cream pie.

[Sam Morril]

Nebraska's just in a cream pie.

[Pete Holmes]

That's Nebraska.

[Sam Morril]

Good for you. That's actually the food.

[Pete Holmes]

Lesbian is Texas Hentai. Never watched it.

[Mark Normand]

What's hentai? Is that anime?

[Pete Holmes]

Japanese. Where is it?

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Ebony Anal. If you're typing ebony and you're under 60.

[Sam Morril]

Anyone know what this is? Giantess. What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Sam Morril]

Like, I'm guessing a big person.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Fat lady.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that can't be that popular in Massachusetts.

[Mark Normand]

This chart is all come challenge.

[Pete Holmes]

This is fake. That's fake.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me find a lesbian. I don't want to know.

[Sam Morril]

I bet when they ask you when you're in one of the states and they ask you to type in your driver's license, and you're like, yeah, I'm.

[Mark Normand]

Going right to Twitter.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

There'S some. Some hidden sites out there.

[Sam Morril]

The Teen in Texas.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Bad.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Zoom in. Zeloceus.

[Pete Holmes]

It's kind of high.

[Sam Morril]

Why is cream pie definitely not in Texas? Because you got to keep it.

[Pete Holmes]

This is fake, man. Hilarious. Compilation. Seems fake. Compilation of what I do.

[Mark Normand]

Compilation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but what is compilation? I know, I know.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, please lecture me. Well, I want a little everything.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait a minute. Do a general compilation.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, general. Oh, okay, so you get a little everything.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you're talking about. When I was a kid and I saw my first porn, the previews for the porns were the best because it was bang, bang, bang, bang.

[Mark Normand]

That's all you need.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you gotta please Google porn. Dopamine. Please do.

[Mark Normand]

Just go with straight compilation, because I'll be right about to go. And they throw a gay guy scene on there, and you're like, no.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

About to go.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Jerry likes this guy. He did the dice. I like him.

[Mark Normand]

That was me cleaning up. About to go. I could have said way worse.

[Pete Holmes]

First thing he said to me, master of the domain. He's not the master of his domain.

[Mark Normand]

When he comes, that chart's gonna be full home screen. Just when he sits down.

[Pete Holmes]

Funny.

[Mark Normand]

I think Jerry probably likes porn on a car. I would imagine porn on the cob.

[Pete Holmes]

I love porn on the cob.

[Mark Normand]

That's rotisserie.

[Pete Holmes]

I like watching a groom get shocked. Come on. If you want to do puns.

[Mark Normand]

All right, don't show. His eyes are gonna bleed. What are you doing?

[Sam Morril]

Car porn. All porn? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedians and getting porn.

[Mark Normand]

Cars getting poor, getting blown.

[Sam Morril]

A woman sucking a muffler.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

No, you. You bang in the car.

[Pete Holmes]

The Michelin. Buy the Michelin man, though. He's like, the one time I'm not.

[Mark Normand]

Soft roll on this Mr. Good wrench.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there it is.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, bf. I'm just going bf.

[Mark Normand]

It hurts with a Z. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Hurts so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

This is our whole enterprise.

[Mark Normand]

So what does it. What does it do to the. Hey, I like, liked it.

[Sam Morril]

Avis. All right. No.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know what?

[Mark Normand]

I could have paid less. I got this horror shoes. Got her on a budget.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the one. How nervous are you being Jerry's friend? Because when I'VE known people, and I. A few times in my life, I've been getting close with a super famous person.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I noticed that everyone in their friend group is terrified of being cut. That's like, so very generous. Nice people that bring you on vacations and stuff.

[Sam Morril]

If Mark hasn't been cut yet, he's not going to get cut.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, he's taking some swings.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Just my act or my tweets or whatever. Yeah, he's on board.

[Sam Morril]

Really well.

[Mark Normand]

He's a fun guy, everybody. Like, when you first watch Comedian, you saw him cursing. He's like this fucking guy.

[Pete Holmes]

When I saw him, Father Sue.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I saw him. He said he listened. He watched you on Kill Tony. And he was like, mark's quick. And I was like, yeah, look at that.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark's quick.

[Mark Normand]

I said the N word. He loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. I'm about everything that word stands for. I get to. Because Neil Brennan is one of my close friends and he's friends with Jerry. And Neil is so sweet. He's like a big brother. You know what I mean? I don't say that loosely. He really has that energy and he'll.

[Sam Morril]

And it's because he's the littlest brother. He had to, like. He had to transfer that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it works for both of us. He likes being the big brother, probably. Very sweet guy.

[Sam Morril]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, I told J. No, I told Neil. I was like, when I go on the road, I feel like an assassin. You know, you sit in your hotel, you peer out the window, and people are like, did you bring your bathing suit? I'm like, I'm here to kill the governor. And he told Jerry that. And then he told me that Jerry loved it. And then Jerry added, you open up the case, there's the foam with the microphone. And I was like, I'm sorry. Jerry's building on my bit. I love this.

[Mark Normand]

That's amazing. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I also had a moment where I asked a friend. A friend was over my house. She's female. I think that's important. And I had a letter that I needed to mail.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I gave it to her. I said, will you put this in your mail? I just said, you know, I'm about to leave town. Will you put that in your outgoing mail? Will you put a stamp on it and mail it for me?

[Mark Normand]

A stamp, too is a little.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep. That's an important.

[Sam Morril]

This day and age. Maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe I had the stamp. I'm not. Okay. I had the stamp. And I said, will you put that in your Outgoing mail. And she took such offense. And I was like, you're already. I'm leaving town. You can just put in it. Like, so I felt like it was curb. Carol Leifer does my podcast. She tells Larry that. And Larry was on my side, and I was like, this is stamp or.

[Sam Morril]

No, stamp's a big part of this story.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a stamp.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, well, then you're in the right.

[Pete Holmes]

Pretty good stamp.

[Mark Normand]

It was big.

[Pete Holmes]

It was big.

[Mark Normand]

Pretty good stamp.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the kind of. I'm like the hub of the wheel. I'm not in the mix. I'm not touching the ground, but I'm in the middle.

[Mark Normand]

They're aware of me.

[Pete Holmes]

And I say something to this, and she says it to that, and it gets back to the hub.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. There are a couple cool moments.

[Sam Morril]

Who are the people your famous friend in your orbit that you're, like, nervous around?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Donald Glover.

[Mark Normand]

Ah. He's very talented.

[Pete Holmes]

He's just. I really get such Prince vibes from him. I've seen Donald at parties.

[Mark Normand]

Prince Andrew.

[Pete Holmes]

Prince Andrew.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even cover the news, and I get cover. You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. Look at this.

[Mark Normand]

You can do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Incredibly cool.

[Mark Normand]

What's the bear? Paddington.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. And I watched Mr. And Mrs. Smith, and that's his body in Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Because he didn't always have that body.

[Mark Normand]

No, he did not.

[Pete Holmes]

And he got real jacked for that. So when I'm talking to him, it's like when I met Michael Keaton. I'm not friends with Michael Keaton. Whoa. But I know that's a big one. And I'm like, it's Batman. I couldn't not be like, you're Batman.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's Elvis Presley. But yeah. And Donald's really sweet. I love him. I wouldn't say we're close, but, like, we're friends. And when I'm with him, I'm not cool. I'm, like, laughing too hard. It's not chill.

[Mark Normand]

I hung out with him before. He was huge. We were in Montreal together, and I was drunk, and he was drunk, and I was at the bar, and he sat at the seat next to me, and I was trash. And we started joking about a really ugly guy. And, you know, the whole thing was 20 minutes, we're laughing, howling, and then he walked away. And I was like. Like, who is that? Somebody's like, that was Donald Glover. And I was like.

[Pete Holmes]

It was.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I didn't even look at him. Because, you know, I can't make eye contact. But I was cool because I didn't know who he was.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But if I knew. If I knew he was, I would have. I would have flown.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you would have. Are you the master of your own?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

It's actually. It's good that you can't make eye contact.

[Mark Normand]

There you go. Weird. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually kind of nice. I think you're very well mannered. Really?

[Mark Normand]

I've never heard that in my entire life. And I'll take it.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you're rehearsed. Your compensations for your impulses are good. I'm trying to say something nice.

[Mark Normand]

That's very nice.

[Sam Morril]

If you're uncomfortable.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You do a good job masking it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't say you're uncomfortable. And I like the amount of eye contact you give. It's about the same as Sam.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, all right. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

But you give me more side. I like side.

[Mark Normand]

Why have you side?

[Sam Morril]

No, I think he's in the harder seat.

[Pete Holmes]

He is, but he's in the better seat for him. Him.

[Sam Morril]

We feel. I feel like we're very comfortable, though.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, work. I've known you for. For years, but. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He didn't want to give it a number. He didn't want to take.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't want to. I've known you for.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt the hesitation. Am I gonna go for it?

[Mark Normand]

Too many crowd work moments. How long you guys been together? And the guy's like, oh, you're gonna get divorced, you piece of. You're like, ah, leave. He's never gonna come to a show again. Stop yelling at him.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what? I've been stepping in three times this month is. Is this the FOB Why am I asking that?

[Sam Morril]

What does that mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Cause there's a moment in my act that's crazy. I don't do crowd work, per se.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But there are moments in my act. Cause I wanna. I wanna snap myself out of it, to be honest. I don't wanna just be doing the act. So I'll go, does anybody have young kids? And then I learned this from Dov Davidoff. He's so good at.

[Sam Morril]

Dalia does the same bit.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so funny. Same compliment. A five hour writer's room break. Nobody's gonna top that. Funniest thing. You went right to the top and you had it and you said it like it was nothing.

[Mark Normand]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

So sometimes a. A young woman in the front will say, I have a kid. I go, how Old. We talk just a little bit. Usually it's just me going like, oh, my God, I can't believe you're here. Yeah, hang in there. And then I've been going, is this the father? And it just hasn't been the father, like three times. And I'm like, why am I even saying, is this the father?

[Sam Morril]

You only do. Do the crowd work to. To help the next bit. You're hurting yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you're going, well, me being a dad, it's like. And stop saying, is this the father?

[Sam Morril]

Well, Dangerfield definitely did on those albums where you're like. You could tell. He's like, I don't want them to get sick of this rhythm. I don't want this to get baked in their mind. So I have to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw Mitch Hedberg and I'm not one of the greats. And around 40 minutes I could have used. So what's up with you?

[Mark Normand]

I could see the guy coulda.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's because you're changing the channel every 30 seconds. Has nothing to do with how brilliant he was.

[Sam Morril]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Steven writes the same way. Why is it worse that these guys are better?

[Sam Morril]

I've seen Jeselnik do it too. I mean, it's like that rhythm you need to dip into a little bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, goes the story. Then he riffs on the joke itself. So he. He's smart about it.

[Pete Holmes]

How are they responding? Nice. Sometimes you don't. I don't want to ask anybody what they do, but I'll talk about how they're doing. That's a big area for me, is like, you're watching me. I'm watching you. You guys are a little. You're feeling a little seven here. I'm doing you feeling a little seven.

[Mark Normand]

Why? I just. Well, the first time I. I saw. Not to keep bringing it back to Jerry, please. But when he did.

[Sam Morril]

Please.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. When he does tell you for the last time, he opens with. He gets a standing O. And he goes, was. I love the standing O. Because there's always that one guy who doesn't want to do it. You know, he's like, we doing this now? And I remember being as a kid going, whoa. How'd he do that? He made a bit out of the thing that just happened.

[Pete Holmes]

And on the cd.

[Mark Normand]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Am I out seinfelding you right now?

[Mark Normand]

Hold on. Hit me.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he opens with, I can't believe you're here. I don't even know how you got tickets.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yeah, Broker.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he goes, not a very good one. I see, right. Huge applause.

[Mark Normand]

Huge.

[Pete Holmes]

The album of I'm telling you for the last. Because what I started to say was, you'll never meet a bigger Seinfeld fan. And then I don't love the video of I'm telling you for the last time. Because as a comic, I feel like I can see that he didn't really want to do it. He's going like this in between bits. Like, he.

[Sam Morril]

What do you mean, you don't want.

[Mark Normand]

To do the special?

[Pete Holmes]

Or what I think it was literally called. I'm telling you for the. I'm not roasting. I'm saying, like, he. He's retiring it. He did it by popular demand. He doesn't want to do the Halloween bit. Trick or snap.

[Mark Normand]

It broke.

[Pete Holmes]

He doesn't want to do it. And you can tell. But on the album, it's early in the tour and he's having a fun time.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

He does lines you don't see in the hbo. The HBO I really was like, this guy's not having. But that's a real premium for me. I'm watching performers to go, like, are they allowing themselves to drop in and really be there and have. Even if it's. I've seen Jeselnick do it. Like, you don't have to be the kind of guy that talks about it, but I want to know they're there. And Jerry did seem a little over it.

[Sam Morril]

Well, end of the tour is tough because you are sick of the jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Film in the middle, baby.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then you lose lines.

[Sam Morril]

You lose lines. And then the worst is when you tape and you're still doing some of those jokes on the road to survive, and you're like, I got a better ending.

[Mark Normand]

I know, I know.

[Sam Morril]

It always happens.

[Mark Normand]

Every time.

[Pete Holmes]

There was. I have a special about to come out. I think it'll be on YouTube. And there's this moment where I'm doing God at a typewriter, basically, and he's going like this.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And I kind of have to tell you what the bit is. It's about, I don't think God is mad at you. If there is a God, I'm saying I don't think he's mad at you. I think it's stupider to think God is mad at you. Like, I'm like, if you don't believe in God, that makes perfect sense. If you do believe in God, that fine. But what makes no sense is if you think that God is mad at you.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The part that I don't get, I go, that's like J.K. rowling being mad at Harry Potter. And I go like this going, he did what?

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's this big laugh. And then later, after I taped, I started going like this. He did what? That you wouldn't believe.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Infused the whole thing. Made the ending better. Just like I think people didn't. I don't know why they like it so much. The typewriter.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I'll tell you why. Because God hasn't even gone up to computers. Yeah, that's gold. He's God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's their bit. They get the pleasure of going like, because of course he has a typewriter.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's gold.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's true.

[Sam Morril]

It doesn't make mistakes. Mix.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I'm. What's that?

[Sam Morril]

Because God doesn't make.

[Pete Holmes]

God doesn't make you think he has white out.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You think he has white out up there? Why not? All in hell. No, absolutely. God, I love. I. I do miss these New York comic moments. Like there's a rhythm and I. I'm just enjoying this. I don't.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you're out in la. We like jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

We like jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you guys don't hang as much in LA because you. Because it's like you're in and out. I see those shows and sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the hanging I do in LA is when someone drops in, the show's pushed back, and I'm like, oh, I haven't seen you in a while. And it's a hang. But it's not like you're not doing like three in a. The Cellar. We're forced to hang.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to.

[Sam Morril]

Three in a night.

[Pete Holmes]

And also just New York. And I say this as a positive. It's just kind of harsh. And when you're finally there at the table. You made it sound like a Seinfeld. You made it like, I don't eat meat, but when I lived in New York, I didn't eat meat. Then I'd come to New York to visit and I'd really want to eat meat. And sometimes I would because it was like this feeling of like I made it.

[Sam Morril]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Chicken. Yeah, like, it was hard for me too, because there's something about it. And then people.

[Sam Morril]

That's like your cigarette.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. It was like a cigarette. And smoking makes a lot more sense in New York as well. Drinking makes more sense in New York.

[Mark Normand]

Porn.

[Pete Holmes]

Porn, probably. Anything you can do to self soothe and jack your dopamine.

[Sam Morril]

Will you please Google?

[Mark Normand]

I believe you. I believe it. I've jacked my Dopamine many times.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's true when I, I, I live outside of the city, so I'm like the worst of it. Meaning I'll come in, but I'll get to the show early. So if I'm on at the Comedy Store and I'm on 8, I'll be there at like 7:30. Guess who else is there? Absolutely nobody.

[Mark Normand]

I believe it.

[Pete Holmes]

No hummus plate. There's nothing happening. Chalk table. No. Chuck table.

[Sam Morril]

It's good, though, because you're forced to hang out with comics of different generations, which I love. Like, there'll be some new guy at the table. There'll be like, Greg Rogel. Keith.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And it's like, kind of cool that you're like, oh, this is just like, you're forced to kind of be around people, which is so freaking lost now with everyone just going at each other on social media and shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Completely agree.

[Mark Normand]

Well, the, the alt scene, which you were quite a staple in back in the day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That was all comics and communities and bar shows and little weird rooms. You know, Monday, it's. It's night. Tuesday's Cabin. Thursday's whiplash. Whatever it was, we'd all go there. Now it's all online, so everything's splintered and everything's individualized and you're actually go.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's good and bad. You're going out to get the clip, to get paid. You make like, thousands of dollars from a good clip.

[Mark Normand]

And you can sell tickets off a.

[Pete Holmes]

Good clip and you can sell tickets and you can get big. Maybe I, I know I sound like an old guy, but you can possibly get big before ready to do big show.

[Mark Normand]

Happens a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it does happen a lot. But I, I do miss that, the camaraderie, because I. Comedy is the closest thing I have to, like, a heritage and a culture.

[Mark Normand]

Same.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know that sounds kind of corny, maybe, but, like, you make it. Culture is a bunch of people agreeing things like, oh, you gotta do a 30 before you do an hour. Like, you gotta pay for your openers. Hotel. Like, this is our culture.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And as I get older, I'm like, like, I'm glad I belong to something.

[Mark Normand]

It's great to belong.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when you're in la, you, you do belong to it less. That's why I'm glad I have Largo. I have a monthly show at Largo.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there you go.

[Pete Holmes]

You hang at Largo? Yeah, people are waiting. Well, next time you let me know. Both of you. You come do my Largo. It's so fun. Yeah. It's just.

[Mark Normand]

I'm spoiled, really.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the room where it's not the Ice House in Pasadena where they're juiced, so everything works.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy juiced.

[Pete Holmes]

They're so good that everything works. And then you go. You'll delude yourself. I've started a lot of tours a few months early because I'm like, I got two hours of material. You go to a real place and you tell that story. And you realize, like, Largo's like, appreciating you.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They like that you're being you, and they understand. Like, I was telling the story. I just did it at Largo for the first time about turning down a hand job in Toronto. Take notes myself.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding.

[Mark Normand]

I've never turned one down.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's what I mean.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, I gotta do this never. But it was because I. Well, it's for. It's. The reason of turning it down was because I didn't. I don't want a hand job. But she was amazing at giving me a back massage. It was the best massage I had ever gotten. And I was traveling back and forth to Toronto, so my body was wrecked. And I was like, please don't ruin this. Like that, to me was. The funniest part is that I was praying that she didn't ask. Because if you don't, I'll be back tomorrow. I don't want this to be a hand job palace. And this, to me is the funny part is that. Are you making a face? Because I shouldn't say hand job palace.

[Mark Normand]

No, I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

That's the name of my album.

[Pete Holmes]

You know who can't drive these hand jobs?

[Sam Morril]

These damn panda kings, I'll tell you.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. That's an oldie.

[Sam Morril]

That was a real golden noodle.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

That was like your first. First big bit.

[Mark Normand]

Big bit.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a great. I remember where I was when I saw.

[Sam Morril]

By the way, we should say. We should say what? This is so people listening know if.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't know is not that bad of a slur. A man from China. And even that, believe it or not, this is before. I don't know. Things had gotten a little bit more. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I remember thinking that was very edgy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

I couldn't believe you said that. Even. Even just dissecting it.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

How courageous.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How artistically brazen.

[Mark Normand]

Always say Irishman.

[Pete Holmes]

Irishman.

[Mark Normand]

You know? So that Was my. Or English. He's an Englishman. So that was my. My thought process.

[Sam Morril]

I got it. And then. But then you said the names of Chinese restaurants sound way more offensive. So that was Panda King. Golden Noodle.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You know who can't drive these? Panda Kings?

[Mark Normand]

Panda Kings was. And I workshopped, you know, Happy, Happy Family, Golden Noodle. Whatever. Whatever. And Panda Kings was the biggest hit. So I opened with that one.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. I remember watching you do that bit and being not. There should be a third word. It's not jealous. It's so impressed that there's almost like a morning that it's not yours, but it's not an angry morning. It's just kind of like. Damn it.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I saw an open micr do a bit about how you would never order what you get at a buffet. And then.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he just did it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I couldn't do the bit, but it was like. And then like a little lo mein and a slice of meatloaf, but like a dollop of mashed potatoes. Like an afterthought on the top.

[Mark Normand]

Top. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I had that. I. I still. I talk about this all the time. I was at the Parkside Lounge.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Sam Morril]

Open mic Joey movies, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Joey Gay's. Hilarious. We've shouted him out before. So.

[Sam Morril]

Sweet. Sweet Caroline.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

How do you. How do you find white people camping in the woods? Sweet Caroline. And they all.

[Pete Holmes]

The White Rose Killer. We're friends now.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm. This is what I mean by culture inherited. I'm like, we know each other.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly, Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, is an oral tradition.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Any. Anyway, there's this guy.

[Sam Morril]

What's the name of my album?

[Mark Normand]

Oral Tradition.

[Pete Holmes]

I've jacked my dopamine to an oral tradition or two.

[Mark Normand]

Hand Job Palace.

[Pete Holmes]

That's my opening bit on Hand Job Palace. That would have been all three.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, this guy, it was an open mic. So it was like, you know, amateurs. Guy goes on stage and he says, you ever see a kid so fat he looks like he has a job? And I was like, that's a perfect joke.

[Mark Normand]

That's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect. Perfect. Per. It's mean, but it's perfect.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I think about it. I know you agree because you both went to this, like.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's almost. There's a third word. It's like. And I'm. Now there's a fourth word because I don't think that person's doing comedy. I have never heard that joke anymore.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Pretty sure if you Google it, it'll just be clips of me saying, who is this angel? Like a misconnection.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I see kids like that all the time. I'm like, this kid looks like he's retired.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you had a line that I think about all the time was. I can't even remember the setup, but the punchline was. Was something happened loudly in your apartment building, and you went, puerto Rico won.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Puerto Rico.

[Mark Normand]

What was that joke?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a very Mark Norman joke.

[Mark Normand]

I love that joke.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, I love living in New York. Because you can't tell if your apartment's haunted.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you live in the middle of the woods and you hear like. Like it's there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In New York, you can hear anything at any hour. There's always something to blame it on. And I go, you hear someone moaning with chains. You're like, old man Rosenthal.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not for one of his midnight chain walks. And then I go, the walls could be on fire, windows breaking, things falling off. The roof. The roof. You're like, ah, Puerto Rico won.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

That's such a New York joke. Because a lot of places you do, and they. They don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Like a soccer game.

[Sam Morril]

This is Puerto Rico's New York. I mean. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what? No one else knows what a Dominican is. I'm not trying to be.

[Mark Normand]

I know what you mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to New York, you're going to hear about Dominican people. You're going to see baseball and. And baseball.

[Sam Morril]

Baseball, health. You know, you're talking about jokes that, like, you're like, how the. This person's not doing it. And they have, like, this guy Glenn Coyle was so funny when I was at Comic Strip. He passed away, but he had a joke. I love where he goes, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her.

[Pete Holmes]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

That's very. You, too.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I like that joke.

[Mark Normand]

I tried to get. You can take it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. That is. That's a movie I don't want to see. Is the Five. Because everybody thinks this at some point in their comedy career. What if Five, Okay. Comedians give their. Their best material to one of them.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And they split the profits. But, like, that's so missing the point. The point is to stink and get better. Don't build one Voltron comic that has all your best lines.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And I do think about the people that quit, and they're great bits. I know what happens to them.

[Mark Normand]

And then you think about, like. Like, if Patrice was around. What the Hell would he talk about with Trump and. Yeah, yeah. I used to call that Geraldo. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I would have loved to hear these guys on the show that. And then you. And then you realize it's up to you. Like, not in a corny way. It's up to you.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You go like, okay, you have to do it.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes you catch yourself going, like, I'd love to hear what this person has to say about that. And you're like, well, you know, like, get on it. I think about Louie a lot because I know complicated person. I. I thought he was beautiful on Theo. I don't know if you heard him.

[Mark Normand]

I loved it. Yeah, I loved it. I listened to both.

[Pete Holmes]

It was really. What do you mean both?

[Mark Normand]

He did it twice.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he does. 12 years ago or so.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Well, there was one where he really came on and was like, just wise and.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Smart and loving and I really liked it. And anyway.

[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

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[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

Ever said bravo when I'm taking my boxes off?

[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

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[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

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[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes I'll be doing a bit and I'll just kind of think of him as an avatar and it's always just like will you fucking do it? Like the thing I the critique I have for most comedy is say what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? Like people go right up to the. Not the line. Right. I just mean they go right up to the door but they don't go through the door. Like and Louie will always be like cuz I'm lonely and horny and scared. You know what I mean?

[Sam Morril]

It's incredibly vulnerable.

[Pete Holmes]

It's incredibly vulnerable. And it's not just vulnerable. It's nice to have the funny thing. Yeah. But like we back away from the, from the thing too.

[Mark Normand]

I think you're right. I saw him the other night. I don't want to give. This is one quick line. So I don't want to give away his new act. But he goes, so I was dating a girl, she was much younger than me. You know, I like, I prefer younger women because you know, they're hotter and just that to me I'm like, I would have never thought to say that. But it's so funny.

[Sam Morril]

I talked to him about that bit and he Was delivering it more like a punchline.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And it wasn't hitting. And then he just says it kind of under his breath more casually. And it's killing.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Sam Morril]

It's amazing how the written joke, it's like, dude, delivery's fucking 90% of it sometimes.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And you have to keep in touch with the part of you that didn't know the joke was gonna work. Like, I'm sure the first time he did it, you're telegraphing, I've done it. It works. But what's actually funny about it is your inner conflict. Like, it is funny.

[Sam Morril]

You feel bad about it.

[Pete Holmes]

You feel bad about it. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You have a joke. I'm so jealous of jokes because sometimes you gotta, you know, this is funny. You just gotta stick with it, even if they're not laughing. Yeah, there's something here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I had a joke, that pedophile joke that you told me is funny, and I brought it back, and now it's one of my big. About how I run pedophile.

[Sam Morril]

I always believe in them.

[Mark Normand]

Pedophilia makes me nervous because I used to be attracted to kids. When I was a kid, I liked young girls, you know, and then I, I also like grape juice. Now. I, I, I don't like young girls. I like girls my age, but I still like grape juice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know? So the joke was like, I grew up with this, but not with that. And thank God.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Remember when you ran that.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know my bed?

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

No, don't worry. Oh, no, I retired it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, good.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a bit where I go, you'll see why I retired it.

[Sam Morril]

It was fruit punch.

[Pete Holmes]

It was fruit punch. That was so good. I was just on stage and I went. It was kind of out of nowhere. And I go, you ever give thanks you're not attracted to kids? And then I let them be uncomfortable. I go, that could have gone the other way.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And every time a kid runs by at the pool with wet feet and I go, look at them, I'm just like, thank you. And I go, can you imagine if what you were attracted to was illegal? You're just in your weird basement, all these blank VHS tapes, and you're like, yeah, these are my vacations. It's very dark.

[Mark Normand]

That's dark.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is why I cut it. But I was trying to get in. I actually have. I had another joke that I cut where I was like, you're afraid to die. This is unrelated. You're afraid to die. Shirley Temple dies. Died. You can't do what Shirley Temple did.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're more of a candy ass than Shirley Temple. This is my best favorite part. I go, my nana died. She couldn't even speak English. I thought it was so funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what? No one wants to think about pedophiles. Nobody wants to think about how they're gonna die in the middle of a. I don't know.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know if people know who Shirley Temple is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true. I. Mark Norman, did I try to with.

[Sam Morril]

With different people, but I think.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like, betty White died.

[Mark Normand]

But then they grown, right?

[Sam Morril]

They grown and she lasted so long.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I know.

[Mark Normand]

And everyone's gonna die. But my point is, you had that bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

About trumpets.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

In your last special, how it only.

[Pete Holmes]

Has three buttons and it plays all the.

[Mark Normand]

And it plays all this crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark Norman.

[Mark Normand]

But that's an idea I might have. I love the idea, but I would go, I can't get this to work. There's nothing.

[Sam Morril]

How do I convey this act out?

[Pete Holmes]

You think?

[Mark Normand]

No, I don't. It's not even the act out. It's just like. I don't know what the angle is. I love a good angle.

[Sam Morril]

Well.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, look, I. I can't wait to talk about this.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, lay it on me, fatty.

[Pete Holmes]

You call me fatty. I loved it. I'm like, a little taken aback that I loved it.

[Mark Normand]

I wouldn't say it if you were fat. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Kurt Metzger calls Soda Fatso juice, which I think is so funny.

[Mark Normand]

I heard him call. What's the guy? Jake Paul. Yeah. He called him Boy Hawk. Tua. Oh, my God. Jake Paul. I called him boy hug to us.

[Pete Holmes]

Too good.

[Mark Normand]

I fell out of my chair.

[Pete Holmes]

Too good with trumpet. The bits. A lot of the bits that I'm best known for. Like, people come up about trumpet. People come up about life. Makes no sense. These are.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like bits that, like, caught on the sleeping one. Ah.

[Mark Normand]

Vulnerable for eight hours.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Go lay still in the dark for eight hours. Don't worry. My brain plays movies I'm in.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yes. But more so the trumpet in life makes no sense. And a bunch of other ones. They're like early in my career jokes. They're like UCB open mic jokes. Didn't work then my confidence quadrupled. And then I talk about delivery. The reason why Trumpet is funny to me is because I'm really upset about it. Like, it's an attitude. It is funny to say, but even the opening, it was like, what's going on with the trumpet. Yeah, that's funny.

[Mark Normand]

That's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the tone of my voice. It's not. He's mad. Three buttons. Three buttons. It's like you owe me money. Right? Three buttons. And it plays all the notes. I had to go up there.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It didn't work. If I didn't see, then I go saxophone. He's got no secrets. That's a joke.

[Mark Normand]

That's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

He looks you right in the eye.

[Mark Normand]

When he shakes you, and you get this.

[Pete Holmes]

And you get this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's gold.

[Pete Holmes]

But that joke, trumpet and life makes no sense. And a whole bunch of other ones that became Internet popular or whatever you want to call that viral. Didn't work in clubs. Didn't work. Trumpet was never on my set list. Like, can't wait to do trumpet.

[Mark Normand]

But you stuck with it.

[Pete Holmes]

You bring him back for the special. That I want to say is maybe my greatest contribution to stand up maybe is to my people. The bits that don't work, but you believe they're great. Great. Do them on your special.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they're your crowd, and they're gonna love.

[Sam Morril]

I had a couple of those.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

It's a little scary. Cause you're like. You're easing towards it in the set on the special, and you're like, this isn't gonna fucking hit.

[Mark Normand]

You know, it's a B. You're cooking with A, and then you're gonna drop a B in there.

[Sam Morril]

I believe I know what you mean. I've done it. I mean, I've had a few of those.

[Mark Normand]

You almost feel it coming. You're like, here it comes.

[Pete Holmes]

But if it's not for everybody, there's a great chance that it's for a lot of people.

[Sam Morril]

You know what I notice a lot, though? If it's a joke, that's not killing. And then people are like, don't drop that fuck.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Sam Morril]

We're like, after a show, they're like, oh, my God, I want din hin. They're like, no, that was my favorite one.

[Pete Holmes]

That's my favorite comedy thing. When Mulaney did his first. I don't know what it was. Maybe Tonight show or something. He. I used to watch him do this joke about Trump. It's brilliant. Trump looks like what a homeless person thinks. A rich person.

[Sam Morril]

I love that bit.

[Mark Normand]

Great bit.

[Pete Holmes]

And he goes, when my train comes in, I'm gonna have tall buildings with my name on them. And then he would go, fine golden hair. And fine golden hair never worked. And I just like any Comedian. I was like, fine. Golden hair is the funniest part of the band.

[Mark Normand]

Hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so funny. And he was like, but it doesn't work. He did. I'm very proud of this. But he did on the Tonight Show. Crushed.

[Mark Normand]

Crushed.

[Pete Holmes]

Because sometimes there's a difference between a knife fight set and the home run derby of a taping. And what I like about the Internet now is you can catch that rhythm random set where maybe you're not cooking with A's, and then your B suddenly is better than the C's.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Get the footage of it. Because I'm like. I don't know. I'm a big believer in, like, if you thought it was funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Because we go off laughs. That's our feedback. But just because they're not laughing doesn't. Doesn't mean.

[Sam Morril]

And also, sometimes the line is just really clever and it's like a part of a story. Like, I had a line last night, my manager's at the show, and she goes, I love this.

[Mark Normand]

She.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I'm a fucking.

[Mark Normand]

I'm a good dude. He also watches wnba. I do Ally.

[Sam Morril]

I do it to tell people I'm a good person. But no, she goes, you have this line. I'm telling a story about how I hate. It's a long story. But I say one of the lines she liked was, I say, fuck Long island iced tea drinkers. Pick a spirit and be an adult. And it's just the way I say it. She's like, oh, that's. And it doesn't really hit, but it kind of helps the story.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Cause it's just like they don't know how to drink.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me all of them. That could be a whole bit. Yeah. Fuck you if. Look, I know some of you are drinking Long island iced teas, but fuck you, Long Island Iced Tea. Pick a liquor.

[Sam Morril]

I've never.

[Pete Holmes]

Pick a liquor.

[Sam Morril]

I've never met one of those that I like.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Can I run a. It reminds me of this premise I'm working on is. It'll never be this way, but this is how I think it should be. Where does rice get off?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, here we go.

[Pete Holmes]

You want me. I'll be ready in three hours.

[Mark Normand]

Fucking political comedians. Come on here, bad boy.

[Sam Morril]

Accompany.

[Mark Normand]

Put some caution tape on his mouth, will you?

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's so funny.

[Mark Normand]

It does take a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Unmarried New Yorkers. You're not.

[Mark Normand]

I'm married. I'm married. You're married With a kid. Jeez, you've been gone a While I.

[Pete Holmes]

Have been gone a while. So I didn't know.

[Sam Morril]

It's my kid, but she's raising it. But, you know. No, it's something funny too. And maybe there's an angle for instant rice. Like, it's not as good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not.

[Sam Morril]

You get it quickly, you get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Quickly, you earn it. And then what is it? An edible plate? I don't have the. I'm just like, it's nothing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're gonna put that much. You ever check rice?

[Sam Morril]

It's always hard.

[Pete Holmes]

It needs more time.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

And then it's like, I'm ready for you to put something delicious on me. Fuck you. Long Island Iced Tea. Pick a liquor, right? By the way, that's an underused device to put a punchline from the last thing on this. Like you don't have it. So you say the attitude is the same. The bits are attitude Brothers.

[Sam Morril]

Leather jacket, comedian.

[Pete Holmes]

Real foot on the monitor.

[Sam Morril]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's funny. When I was at the Boston here on West 3rd Street, I would mimic the comic that put my foot on the table. Yeah, lean forward.

[Sam Morril]

You're mimicking relaxation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like Ted Alexandra leaning against the wall. You're like, oh, I'm all lean. I remember I was. I sat down for a bit once and Greer Barnes pulled me aside afterwards. He's like, never sit down again. I was like, why? And he's like, because you're not a story. You're like a joke guy. Oh, it was. He was helping me.

[Pete Holmes]

Unless you're gonna unfold. Fold a newspaper.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Or you're really fat.

[Mark Normand]

I love those comics.

[Sam Morril]

You got to be really fat. Or like a storyteller.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, now he's medium Jay Okerson.

[Sam Morril]

Right? He's a storyteller.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop losing your gimmick.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

You got the stories.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy Ozempic his gimmick away. Just kidding. He's not on Ozempic. Who is it?

[Sam Morril]

He might be.

[Mark Normand]

He's on every other drug.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes they get the Z.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes they get the pick face. Z.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

So much weight. He has to get smaller. Fingerless gloves.

[Pete Holmes]

He's back down to a child tomato.

[Mark Normand]

He had to take a few kinks out of the chain.

[Pete Holmes]

He has to take them off a Michael Jackson doll. Sorry, just Michael Jackson. Joe Guer. Go. And I cut this, too.

[Mark Normand]

I go.

[Pete Holmes]

I watched this interview. This is real. Michael Jackson was on it, being interviewed by Barbara Walters. And she goes, michael, all real. How do you feel when you see the headline? Wacko Jacko. This is also real. He goes, I don't like it because it's Jackson. And I go, he was mad at the Jacko part. I go, it's whack. Wacko. That's wacko is the mean part. I go, if your name. If the word for wacko was waxen, we would have called you Wax and Jackson.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

That's like.

[Pete Holmes]

You're getting mad at the wrong part. Like, do you see what old kid Mike did? And he comes out and he's like, it's Michael.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Sam Morril]

It's a good joke.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to love it.

[Mark Normand]

You know what that's a prototype of?

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't even that. It was just like. Sometimes a joke gets cut because it takes too much effort.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I like doing it with you guys, but five shows in a week and I'm like, kid, fucking fuck. I gotta go. A lot of the jokes that make it are the Camrys, you know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

The reliables.

[Pete Holmes]

The Reliables.

[Sam Morril]

I used to have a joke where I'd say, you know what I like about pedophiles is it's the only group that doesn't complain when you make fun of them. I've never done it at a show and some guy stands up like, we've had enough of this.

[Pete Holmes]

Very, very funny. Reminds me of Gavigan. Alcoholism is the only disease you can get mad at someone for having.

[Sam Morril]

I thought that was Hedberg.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's Gaffigan.

[Sam Morril]

Hedberg.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Is it Hedberg?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.

[Pete Holmes]

That is Hedberg.

[Mark Normand]

There you go. Lupus. Funny word. Just ask.

[Pete Holmes]

Or I guess I have psoriasis now. Oh, I'm sorry. I look around, I'm the only one on the bus.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I got a good.

[Pete Holmes]

Horny.

[Sam Morril]

Gaffigan has this great bit about drinking, though.

[Pete Holmes]

That was Gaffin's.

[Sam Morril]

Got that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry.

[Sam Morril]

Wow, that's good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You going to have me on the pod?

[Mark Normand]

Welcome back.

[Pete Holmes]

To say Moral Won'. Book me on the car. We might be drunk. We might be resentful.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. That's incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good, Orie. I need him to get much bigger.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I can do that on the.

[Mark Normand]

Road now we never have to book him.

[Pete Holmes]

Love you, Orie. He's going to hear this. He's going to hate.

[Mark Normand]

Funny guy.

[Sam Morril]

Sweet guy. Love you.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a friend of mine. I love him. He's so. I really. I am saying this to make up for the riff, but he's, like, way Funnier than I. I'm just saying, if you watch his YouTube special, you're like, this guy's going like. Like at a Carlin clip.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean it.

[Mark Normand]

For an hour.

[Pete Holmes]

For an hour. And with takes like he's saying something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So there you go.

[Sam Morril]

Well, this Gaffigan joke, you know the joke about how you realize how much of an alcoholic you are when you can't get the bartender's attention immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny.

[Sam Morril]

And you just start and you're like, that's so. Every time. I've never heard a bar, I think of it.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

I think of Brian Regan every time. Time I'm in New York. And he's like, you get in the elevator and that door close button is washed off to a nub. Yeah, Everyone in New York is true. Every elevator.

[Mark Normand]

Great observation. Every elevator, back to your big old dick. Kid Mike.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, I love Kid Mike.

[Mark Normand]

Seinfeld had the joke where he goes, bozo the Clown. I like how we need. Do we really need V. Clown? Is anyone like a Bozo? The district attorney?

[Pete Holmes]

Bozo the Pope.

[Mark Normand]

And that's very similar, but district attorney is perfect. Perfect.

[Sam Morril]

You know, he must have tried a bunch, cuz District attorney is perfect.

[Mark Normand]

It's a symbol for boron. Boron is great.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. How do you pick Boron Taxi bit?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got the best choice with a line through.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, he did that one on Dangerfield.

[Mark Normand]

Remember that set is Lights Out?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Sam Morril]

It was that Dangerfield young comedian special. Oh, so it'd be like, danger. He had like, Kinison on that one.

[Mark Normand]

Yep, yep.

[Sam Morril]

And the other one was like, Bill Hicks, maybe. No, he was on the other one.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

But that was. Dude, he gives. This is his intro for Bill Hicks. This next comic is so far ahead of his time, his parents even haven't even met yet. That's your intro.

[Mark Normand]

He wrote a joke for an intro for a random guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody did. I'm not trying to take it away.

[Sam Morril]

All right, Shimmel on that one.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Robert Schimmel. Great.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Shimmel. The great joke. So I bought this cream, you know, makes your. Your penis bigger. They say you rub it on. Then he realized I got scammed because my hands didn't get bigger. And you're like, go.

[Sam Morril]

That worked to be walking around with one Mickey Mouse hand.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes, exactly. Back to your. I love jokes like this. Jasper Red. Remember this guy? Yeah, that's a deep cut. I think he's quit. He had some gold. I thought he was gonna be the next, you know, who knows what. Stephen Wright or something. Something. He had a great mind, but he had this bit about how the horn in the car is the. Is the weirdest sound to show anger. He's like, this is the. This is the sound we've chosen. When you're pissed off, you're like, road rage. He's like, that's like going up to somebody who cut you off in line and going, hang on. And it was so good. I've ruined it.

[Pete Holmes]

Very, very good. You made me think of another bet.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm. I did a. At Housing Works on Houston Street.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that was a great show.

[Pete Holmes]

Me and Jesse Klein.

[Mark Normand]

Killer room.

[Pete Holmes]

Later, me and Joe. There was this guy. I wish I remembered his name, but I. I don't know. I haven't seen him in 20 years. I think it's safe. He had this bit. I'm standing with Jamie Lee, and we both were like, what the is happening? It was the best. And he goes, I love the Weather Channel. No matter what the news is, they still got that music fill.

[Mark Normand]

Murray Murphy.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil Murphy.

[Mark Normand]

I know that bit. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, in Miami today, It's mild and 73.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They do the music real good and be like, tsunami warning coming in. Please hide your children.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't blow my mind now, but when I saw him, it blew my mind.

[Mark Normand]

No, he had great observations like that.

[Pete Holmes]

What was his name?

[Mark Normand]

Phil Murphy. Long blonde hair.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, long blonde hair. He also did it. You wanted to see him? Yes, he did it dancing, and it was great.

[Mark Normand]

Remember the first time you heard the guy do a. What's going on with Indian music? They have one recording artist over there. He's like, let me change the channel.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the same guy?

[Mark Normand]

No, different guy. But I remember being like, I know.

[Sam Morril]

It'S a bad bit, but I'm still laughing.

[Mark Normand]

It's gold because everyone's done it by now. But in 1989, that was brilliant.

[Pete Holmes]

My version of that is. If I'm in a Chinese restaurant, go, can you be quiet? This is my favorite song.

[Mark Normand]

I just.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think, that's a solid life.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

Or if it's. If it's a massage parlor.

[Mark Normand]

Ethereal.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, that's my favorite song. But Louie would be like, what are you really saying? And it's ding, ding.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I have a thing with my wife where we call it the 85% rule. Because I'll just do jokes like that to anyone. And 85% of the time, they don't respond.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

And she's like, there's your 85%. I'll do a silly Uber joke with the driver. Nothing. And so we call it the 85%.

[Pete Holmes]

I have life bits. We're also dads. You gotta do the bits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I was doing that 25 years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too. Okay, well, remember the reason I got Montreal was because it was Mulaney. I was checking into a hotel, we were on a tour together, and they said, okay, one of the rooms we have is a non smoking queen. And I went, that's me. Cigarettes.

[Mark Normand]

Pu.

[Pete Holmes]

I really said this.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

And Mulaney doesn't laugh, of course.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I just mean because I'm. I'm just being sweaty and young, and he looks at me and goes, you're like a fun dad. You know that? That's your energy. And I learned another great piece of comedy advice. If someone you respect makes fun of you, write it down. And then I just. I started saying on stage, I know, it's weird that I'm on stage. I have the energy of a fun dad. And that's another thing.

[Mark Normand]

I remember that. Fun, fun dip.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, fun dip is a different thing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that your brain thinks in letters, clearly.

[Sam Morril]

Ah, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That was a little glimpse into how you're kind of assembling letters.

[Sam Morril]

No eye contact. We know what you have.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're just that board at Grand Central. Fun dad, fun dip. Fun dad, fun dip. But a different meaning.

[Sam Morril]

Not on the board.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Sometimes you get zinged by someone. You're like, that's good, dude.

[Mark Normand]

There's a guy, this guy, Sean Murphy, he's really funny. I use him on the road. The road. He's a odd looking fellow, tall, crazy face. And Davitel goes, you look like a butler at a haunted house. Wow. And now it's in his axe. It's brilliant.

[Pete Holmes]

You're an idiot.

[Mark Normand]

You got to use it.

[Sam Morril]

Judah Freelander called Ray Ellen. He has the hair like this, and he goes, you look like a nickel.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Sam Morril]

And he used. He's been using it. It's his best.

[Mark Normand]

That's not his.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Josh Lieb, who was a writer, is a writer. He. I think he ran Fallon. He might still, I don't know. But we were in a writer's room together, and he said to me, he goes, pete, you look like there's a million different universes, each one slightly different from the last. And this is the only one where you're not a youth pastor. And I, of course I said, can I have that?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It became my most reliable that and fun dad.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's when I got Montreal, because I didn't know who I was. You don't know who you are. People start telling you who you are. Seems kind of mean, but an idiot would have been like, I'm not a youth pastor. Go out and buy a jacket.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's mine now. Now, if I do a corporate. I still do that joke.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna be like, you guys don't know me. I know it looks like I'm a youth pastor.

[Mark Normand]

And it gets it out of the way. It's a perfect opener too.

[Pete Holmes]

And lesbian Val Kilmer.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, damn.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think.

[Mark Normand]

I think that's good.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I wrote lesbian Val Kilmer, but it was like I slowly put it together.

[Sam Morril]

Like, I gotta get them. I gotta get them quickly.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to.

[Sam Morril]

Something. I'd go up and I go, they're.

[Pete Holmes]

They're spattering of applause. They're barely applauding. And you go, I know you guys are excited. Like, look, it's Val Kilmer. That's how I used to open. And then I would go, I had a bit about being tall and you can't hide. And I was like, I'd have to just stand really still and hope people thought I was. I think I said Prince William when I was.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I go, he can't do two lookalike jokes. And I'd go, John Ritter three. That was like cutting edge.

[Mark Normand]

That's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Now comedy really has thankfully come along. That's not that impressive. But back then, that was a slick move.

[Mark Normand]

Sure. No, that works.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I'm doing comedy.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. That was big. That got too big for a while. Too big. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Well, then you get the people who are like, doing too much ironic comedy. I don't even know if you could write a regular joke at this point.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it drives me crazy. The guy who does the character. I don't mean a particular person because there were so many that there. The bit was, I'm a comedian who sucks. And I'm like, I think you suck. Yeah, you just suck.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

You just found a way to get up there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Coward. But I. I have a thing where no one looks at, like, I go on stage, people just start talking. I have. I don't have no presence on stage. So I go up back in the old days, and I'd go, hey, hey. Cleavage. Just cuz then they go, gee, what The.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

And then the girl's like, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like D. Davidoff. He'd go up and he'd go. The first thing he said was, I.

[Mark Normand]

Thought he had Tourette's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that Tourette's guy, he'd do all that and go, you ever do acid and then 15 minutes later, you're on stage doing comedy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, I.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, he also. The thing I was saying I learned from Dov is, even though I don't do crowd work, is I will. And he's not the only person that does this. I say defensively. I'm just saying I learned it from watching him. You anchor in the crowd a few different places.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

My mom, like, the woman who's a mom. The mom knows.

[Mark Normand]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy knows. Like, the guy that I call Jack Black knows. Like, again, going back to what we were talking about at the beginning. To me, the death of Stand up is when you realize you're just doing the album or you're just. You're phoning it in, you're just doing it at them again. Some people can get away with that with really good jokes. I think both of you guys can do that now.

[Sam Morril]

You get. You get on autopilot. Sometimes I feel it.

[Pete Holmes]

Mine doesn't work. And that's actually kind of great. Like, I have my favorite jokes of mine don't work if I'm not in touch with them. This is kind of pretentious, but Bono has this joke where he goes, if I'm not. I know Bono from YouTube says, I can't hit the note if I'm not feeling it. And I really relate to that.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't make them laugh unless I'm going. This is why I think that's funny.

[Mark Normand]

Well, all your jokes are pretty emotional.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's exactly.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The joke is like. There was another. I was like, electric eels. When's the last time you thought about that? Yeah, eels with electricity in them. That's like finding out there's a seahorse that transmits WI fi. Everyone's just like, okay, what's the password? Like, we just accept it. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, that's an okay joke. But just try just saying it. It's not gonna hit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have some jokes that are like that. You ever poop your pants? You pee. Sorry. You ever have to poop so bad, you pee. Second. That's a joke.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's a great line.

[Pete Holmes]

You can just say that.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

I said that when the lady.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a silly Carlin type of joke. It is like those books he would do with those silly jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, totally. I remember those, like, brain droppings. Yes. The weather vane. It's got a cock on it. Cause it. It was a. The wind would blow right through it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

That's. That's Carlin.

[Sam Morril]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

My wife said, you ever have to poop so bad you pee second. And I was like, that's mine now.

[Mark Normand]

Have you written anything? Jesus Christ. D. Davidoff Milaney. Josh Leeb.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, these are the. These are the. You ever see the special thanks in my specials pages?

[Mark Normand]

It's like the Koran.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually. Those are the credits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I don't mind sharing that my wife says hilarious things because I think there's two skills. Writing your own stuff and then noticing hearing it. Because she just said it. I'm not saying this defensively at all. My wife is hilarious, but she says funny things all the time. There's a sound and I go, that's a. And it became my most reliable one liner.

[Sam Morril]

How did you meet your wife?

[Pete Holmes]

I met her at Cobbs.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

In San Francisco.

[Pete Holmes]

In San Francisco, I used to do meet and greets. I. I think Covid stopped them. And then I realized it was kind of exhausting me.

[Mark Normand]

It's very exhausting.

[Pete Holmes]

I like doing it. I. I just did a show in New Jersey and I ended up doing kind of an impromptu one because I started talking to someone and then everybody came around. I was like, you know what? They were really great crowd.

[Mark Normand]

So I did it.

[Pete Holmes]

But then I remember the reason I don't do them, even though I used to, is because then I'm falling asleep at night or trying to. And not only am I playing back the set involuntarily, just going over what worked, what needs to cut, what needs to move. I'm also replaying what I said to everybody just. Cause like, sometimes it's a big moment for them. And I would like, well, that's why the Nazis were like, well, why did I say that? Like some weird, social, awkward story of my life. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, it's just too costly. I can't have that. Like, I was doing a show in Chicago and I was like, do you have any kids? That moment. And he goes, these are my kids. And then that night, I'm just like, can't believe I talked about Hitler's dad jizzing and his kids were there. You know what I Mean, like, it just will keep me up at night.

[Mark Normand]

I'm the same way.

[Sam Morril]

But they enjoyed it. It together, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

I hope so.

[Sam Morril]

For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

My family's just so far from that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't imagine a family having a shared interest.

[Sam Morril]

I see it all the time in the front row like a father and son. I'm like, that's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know. I'm jealous.

[Pete Holmes]

Take a father and son. But as soon as mom's in the.

[Mark Normand]

Mix.

[Pete Holmes]

I get worried.

[Mark Normand]

But I can't even get my dad to go to my show. So whenever I see a dad and a kid, I'm like, wow, what a.

[Sam Morril]

Can you go to Skank Fest?

[Pete Holmes]

That's so fun.

[Sam Morril]

Your parents feel an echo to your show shows?

[Mark Normand]

I think they've been to five. I've been doing it 20 years. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I tell parents not to come to.

[Sam Morril]

My shows, though, because not only do my parents come, but they're like, you're doing Carnegie Hall. My mom. My mom was like, I need 25 comps. I'm like, oh, cool. There. There goes all of them.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Oh, geez.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, I can't believe you're doing.

[Mark Normand]

That's amazing. It's fun. Yeah. That's big.

[Pete Holmes]

You know why? You should be obviously, really excited. But those venues. So I just did Town Hall. It's a. It's not.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great. One of the best.

[Sam Morril]

One of the best venues ever.

[Pete Holmes]

Those ones that are acoustically designed design. It's perfect. And Carnegie hall is like a. You don't even need a. I haven't played it, but I've been there. You don't even need a mic because it's designed for Yo Yo Ma.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They'll be able to, like, lock in music, like, fine orchestral music. Venues are perfect.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Stand up built for stackers. For Stand up is movie theaters. 100% to dampen sound. So you're going the opposite. You're going to be like Ray Romano. Great comedy record recorded at Carnegie Hall. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Carnegie Hall.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, you have a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Only Curse of the hour. It's the only one.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

You got a lot in your bag.

[Mark Normand]

I did a set at this movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Theater now because people are like, I didn't know you did them.

[Sam Morril]

Go ahead.

[Mark Normand]

I did. It's over. It was going to be a horrible joke set in a movie theater in Aurora right before Joker.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it.

[Mark Normand]

I killed.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mind it.

[Mark Normand]

I shouldn't have repeated it because I.

[Pete Holmes]

Started talking about how people don't ask me to do impressions. That. It ruined the.

[Sam Morril]

That bit.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, I like the impressions.

[Pete Holmes]

I do it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Who else you got?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I sometimes forget Wahlberg.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Wahlberg.

[Pete Holmes]

How's it going? It's good to be here. You guys might be drunk, huh? You should eat more burgers.

[Sam Morril]

We almost had him, didn't we?

[Pete Holmes]

Andre the Giant.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

We almost had Wahlberg. We had him on the line and then we.

[Pete Holmes]

What happened? You guys should have me on your show.

[Sam Morril]

He wanted to tape at 4:30 in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

4:30 in the morning?

[Sam Morril]

No, I'm kidding. That's. He's always waking up at like 4 in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't buy it.

[Mark Normand]

He's got to pray.

[Pete Holmes]

I gotta pray to God. Then I gotta do Transformers 9. I'm kidding. He probably does do it. What am I. Who am I to say? I. I do think it's funny. The. The bigger people get, the less relatable they are and the more we listen to them.

[Mark Normand]

You know what I mean? That's a premise that's good.

[Sam Morril]

Seriously.

[Mark Normand]

Is a premise that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know what my example is me, I'm always like, just go around and be kind. Oh, is it easy to be kind when you're a famous comedian? You know what I mean? Yeah, I got a juice. The guy wanted to take his picture with me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You might put a smile on your face.

[Mark Normand]

You know what I mean? Walking around, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Especially in New York, every 25th person, you're like.

[Sam Morril]

Also a lot of people telling you to be kind are the worst fucking people. Say what? A lot of the people telling you to be kind are the worst fucking people.

[Mark Normand]

Hell in.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

That was her whole thing, be kind.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. And then she got mean toed.

[Mark Normand]

But that's also got mean.

[Sam Morril]

It is people, you're just like, just be kind. Then you see their social media. You're like, you're insane.

[Pete Holmes]

No, we're back to protest. Too much. Yeah. If you're going around reminding everybody to be kind, it's. It's probably an issue.

[Mark Normand]

I, you know, people used to get drunk and you go, oh, that's the real him. That's what social media does to a lot of people. That's the new drunk, where you're like, oh, this is the real you. Oh, wow, that scared, scary.

[Pete Holmes]

What's an example of that? I'm trying.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, just like crazy tweets or like some crazy rant about something.

[Sam Morril]

Trying to, Trying to just piling energy to just ruin people Right. Over nothing.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

I see that on the Internet. I go on my. The only social thing I go on is YouTube brag. But I have to tell it all the time. Not interested. Like, because so many.

[Sam Morril]

Like you're like a hot chick. Spirited.

[Pete Holmes]

I am a hot chick. No, no, thank you. But it's because. Because there's so many videos that people make. So I'll watch people doing stand up. I'll watch them on a late night or whatever. And then it starts like, what happened to take your pick. It doesn't matter who it is. The rise and fall of Sarah Silverman.

[Mark Normand]

That's not a real one.

[Pete Holmes]

But these really mean.

[Mark Normand]

There's a million of those.

[Pete Holmes]

And what happened.

[Sam Morril]

What's her name? From the. Bridget Fonda. What happened to her? What happened to Bridget Fonda? She was in a car crash.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

And you're fucking. You're trying to make her feel bad. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Clickbaiting it.

[Mark Normand]

Bridget Honda.

[Pete Holmes]

But people especially. That's good.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry. Very, very good.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just trying to think. Bridgestone and Honda.

[Mark Normand]

Not interested.

[Pete Holmes]

But somebody sent me. They were like, oh, you need to see this thing. They're talking about Joe. Joe Rogan and his influence or something. But I'm watching it and it's a real hit piece.

[Mark Normand]

There's a million of those on him.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, it's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm watching it and they're doing like a montage of like how comedy sucks. I'm in the mon. And I was like, you know what? What? Shame on me. I shouldn't have even been watching it anyway.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not like anti Joe or anything. It was just like somebody was like, it's important. Like, you should see how they're affecting elections or whatever. So I think educating myself. And then I got. I'm in the.

[Sam Morril]

You're in some hotel room alone, trying to wind down and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know who else sucks? You.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you just go like, yeah, good for me. That was a good moment for me.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if I was at his level, you think you couldn't make a video about how I stink? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, that's kind of my point. Almost any person, you could make a 15 minute video about how they're the greatest or that they're the worst.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they. Once they get to a certain level, it's. They nobody. You don't get a lot of clicks being like, maybe you do.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you know, you know who's a cool guy. Yeah, that's look at every New York Post.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. Every newspaper.

[Mark Normand]

Well, remember that old Birbiglia joke where he said I went to a nightclub? Which was good because my self esteem was hovering at normal and I wanted to take it down a few notches. That's the Internet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know, be like, oh, let me. Let me open this up. And then it's like, you curly haired freak, kill yourself. You're a hack.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

One guy was like, you're doing a Mulaney bit. You're a thief. And I was like, I had that Chris Rock moment. I was like, maybe I am.

[Pete Holmes]

I got accused of doing a Mulaney bit because I have a bit about the captcha test and Melania is a bit about the capture test.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of people have a captcha.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course, you know that. I don't have to explain it to you, but the comment was. And I never. I don't know why I saw this, but it was like, he should have just put Mulaney's bit on a lady laptop and press play. And. And then I did watch it. It was just the premise.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Chests exist.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, what is happening?

[Mark Normand]

I know why.

[Sam Morril]

It's famous enough they think they just own the premise sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I think that's true.

[Sam Morril]

Happens.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I've heard that too. But then capture tests.

[Pete Holmes]

No, totally. I know. I know you're on my side. I'm just saying, like, that's a dumb one.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you're doing a Hannah Youngman bit because you mentioned your wife. You know, that's. That's what we're going. That's what we're dealing with. Here, here. And then sometimes I'll go, this is a Louie bit. And I'll go. Send it to me. And they never do. Yeah. So I'm like.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they're gone. They're on hating on the next person, I guess. I guess we're all trying to get seen in some way. You can't. I can't be.

[Mark Normand]

Fully bad price of admission, they say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's nice. I like that.

[Mark Normand]

Price of admission.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it sparkling or regular?

[Sam Morril]

Sparkling. There's a. The Maya Angelou quote, right. Where she says, like, don't pick it.

[Pete Holmes]

Up, don't lay it down. No, that's real.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She said it to Chappelle. Don't pick it up. Don't lay it down.

[Mark Normand]

What does that mean?

[Pete Holmes]

They say, you're the best. Don't believe that was it. It's on the Chappelle Iconic class.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she also tells him not to do the N word. And he's smoking a cigarette, and you just see on his face, like, I'm gonna keep doing it. I think I'm gonna keep doing it.

[Mark Normand]

That was a Michael Richards quote. What is dope?

[Sam Morril]

I'm gonna keep doing it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. What does don't pick it up, don't pick it down mean or put it down?

[Pete Holmes]

So if I say, you're the greatest, you just have to say thank you. I say, you're the worst. You don't even have to say anything. Don't pick it up. Oh, don't pick it up.

[Sam Morril]

He don't believe the good shit.

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Sam Morril]

It's a good way to go through life. It's a good way to stay centered and not.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying. As I get older, I'm just, like, living with my wife for all this time. We've been together for 13 years. She's seen how it comes together and how the act, you know, and how, like, impersonal it is. So it's like, I'm not, like, sculpting these acts. Like, they show up. I know that sounds pretentious. So, like, when I do it, I'm kind of going like, this is what showed up. Yeah, An Amazon box. You know, forgot what it was. That's my act. I'm like, why am I talking about this? Cause that came out, and it's really funny right now. But I'm not going like. And then if. So if an hour isn't as good as the last one, I'm like, I agree.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Signing for the delivery.

[Sam Morril]

I relate to that, though. Cause a lot of people will write an hour like the way Colin Quinn does it, where I think it's amazing. He'll just pick a topic and go, I don't do that. No, it never. Just comes to me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, same.

[Sam Morril]

It's almost like ADD is. At least a touch of it is really helpful in this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I completely agree.

[Sam Morril]

But, you know, and it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's based a lot on feeling, too. It's like I'm cutting jokes because it's like a note in a song. And for some reason, that note just didn't fit. Like that Wacko Jacko thing. Of course, as I did it to you guys, I was like, maybe I should bring it back. I'm like, it's done. I gotta keep moving forward.

[Mark Normand]

Well, it's Michael Wacko. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But your next. Your next special is gonna be titled Kid Mike. You brought it back, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Riglia we, who's very real with me, I'll show him. He's like my best friend. I show him stuff, he'll tell me, like if he. He'll be like, I don't know if this is your best stuff. So he said about Wacko Jacko, he's like, if you're gonna do a Michael Jackson joke, it should be that one. Meaning at least it's a good joke.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It's not a hacky joke. It's a good angle.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. If you do a topic that's been done to death, have a good angle. That's a good angle, right?

[Mark Normand]

That's a good angle. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And just like all of us, it just showed up. Cause Barbara Walters interview interviewing him came through my feed.

[Mark Normand]

Did you guys see the Murphy doc yet?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Is it great?

[Mark Normand]

It's fun. But Seinfeld, speaking of Maya Angelou, he has a similar line where he goes, hey, comedy, you're gonna get the most venom you've ever gotten and the most compliments, and they're all lies.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Neither are true.

[Mark Normand]

That was the best line in the whole movie.

[Pete Holmes]

And I thought the best line was Eddie Murphy said, pray for peace of mind. Oh, he's like, that's finished.

[Sam Morril]

Scorsese doc on your. On your.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's next one.

[Sam Morril]

Loved it. I absolutely. I could have. In five eps, I could have done ten.

[Mark Normand]

Same. Same.

[Sam Morril]

Unreal.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't wait to watch it. I'm not going to burden my wife with it.

[Mark Normand]

You got to watch it alone. Yeah, she'll talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you've met. What if I thought that was unique.

[Sam Morril]

It's all of them.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. I would watch it with her, but it's a little too.

[Mark Normand]

It's heavy, it's dense.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a. There's a line. I watched Eddie Murphy alone, too.

[Mark Normand]

Same.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you click on it? Being like, I can't wait till he talks about the scandals. And. And then when they weren't in it, I was like, I'm glad.

[Mark Normand]

I like the no Scandal.

[Pete Holmes]

I like no Scandal.

[Sam Morril]

These new things these people are producing. I know. Same with Scorsese. So they're avoiding a lot of the bad shit.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of the bad.

[Sam Morril]

We're like, didn't you. Didn't you gloss over a lot of drugs?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We were doing a. We're doing a doc documentary about cutting bits called Kill youl Darling. So I'm putting out the special. For me to do an hour, you have to write two hours to the other hour. And we're going to use them in clips and talk about why we cut them and stuff. And why did I bring this up?

[Mark Normand]

Well, inevitably you're going to get a guy going, this is better than the other one. Of course that's going to happen.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like. Someone was like, you should direct it. And I was like, you can't have a documentary about you. And then it cuts to black and it goes directed by Pete Hone.

[Mark Normand]

Like that's true. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Psycho executive.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you want Michael Jordan. I know.

[Sam Morril]

Can you imagine though, like the Ted Bundy story by Ted Bundy.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you could tell Jordan did it because the only real vulnerable stuff was like kind of self serving.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

He cried prize because he wants it too bad.

[Mark Normand]

Right, Right.

[Sam Morril]

They're a little hard on that play that way.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Remember that time Pippen was a and checked himself out of the game? You're like, dude, he helped you win six titles.

[Pete Holmes]

He did. I didn't own him. Follow basketball. I've seen the Last Dance probably all the way through four times.

[Sam Morril]

Unreal. I can't so. And I hate. I mean, look, those teams killed my childhood. I was such a big Knicks fan. But he's, he's the best ever. It's insane. Know that you hear there's a great Jordan quote. I don't know what that was.

[Mark Normand]

I was contributing to Michael Jordan.

[Sam Morril]

We were at the Knicks game the other night and we're having a drink at the bar and a guy walks over and Mark goes, hey. And he goes. He goes, hey. And Mark goes, mark. And he goes, Stefan. And they shake hands, they order drinks and walk away. I go, dude, that was. That was Stefan Marbury.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that was bad. I also said whatever he wants on me. Yeah, it's an open bar.

[Sam Morril]

Just Stefan Marbury, the basketball player. Mark just didn't know who he was.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I was like, he happened to us in la. There was a guy, I knew who it was and he was doing card tricks and he did one to my wife and he walked away. I was like, I can't believe that happened. And she's like, who? Why? I go, that was David Blaine.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

He had like a beard. And I'm like, I guess it works.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Clark Kent glasses. Like enough to throw her off the scent.

[Mark Normand]

Is he as sexy in real life as he is on screen? Screen.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying this to put him down. He was clearly between looking goods. Like he was sort of like he was taking some blame time.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great way to put it.

[Pete Holmes]

He was Looking better than me. But he wasn't, like, ready for.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

He was clearly taking some time.

[Mark Normand]

I'm gonna clean things. Say that to my wife. Yeah, see, that's what he looks like.

[Pete Holmes]

Covered in B. Blaine is looking better than the Blaine ice.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, wow. He looks like Iron man there.

[Mark Normand]

That's insane, right? Was he fat or what are we talking?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he looked a little soft like that, basically.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's. That's still Professor.

[Sam Morril]

It looks like Ted Cruz.

[Pete Holmes]

He cleaned it up a little bit. His lips look like Macaulay Culkins. You ever notice Macaulay Culkin has orange lips? I've not give me a Culkin in Home Alone.

[Sam Morril]

That is a funny facial expression there.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever notice that Brad Pitt and Macaulay Culkin act similar? Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Blowing my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

B Pit's a Culkin fan.

[Mark Normand]

There's really.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm telling you, there's something in how they talk. Yeah. There's the orange lips of Kulk. Look at those orange lips.

[Mark Normand]

Now or then. Oh, wow. You're not kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got the orange lips.

[Mark Normand]

Kid Mike. That's the face Macaulay makes when he sees Kid Mike.

[Pete Holmes]

We called it.

[Sam Morril]

That'd be a way worse Home Alone movie. Two guys breaking. Let's welcome.

[Mark Normand]

I'm the Wet Bandit. Oh, no. Sticky. Oh, okay. Still works.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, Wet Bandits is the first one.

[Mark Normand]

We gotta get a side by. I'll do it on my own time. A side by side of Brad Pitt.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just telling you, there's a way that Brad talks that is informed.

[Mark Normand]

Similar to like Christian Slater is doing Nicholson.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, not that hard.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Also, Benicio Del Toro is Brad Pitt. Have you noticed they look alike?

[Mark Normand]

They look very similar.

[Pete Holmes]

Very similar. We like what we like.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That is. I mean, I just got gay.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. That is kind of similar.

[Pete Holmes]

I just turned. Yeah, they're similar.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I just turned.

[Mark Normand]

See?

[Pete Holmes]

Remember when I blew Bubba?

[Mark Normand]

Kieran Culin is when it's come out.

[Pete Holmes]

Will that still be relevant?

[Mark Normand]

I think that's out there.

[Pete Holmes]

I Love blowing Bubba. November 30th, I'm forever blowing Bubba. Yeah, they're the same guy.

[Mark Normand]

Kieran Culin is proof that he just sticks with it. And you could. You could blow past everybody, you know, because Macaulay at the time, you'd never.

[Pete Holmes]

Think, oh, yeah, yeah, here comes Kieran.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, here comes Kieran. But yeah, he pushed through.

[Sam Morril]

He also just like. He seems like he doesn't want it any.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no, Macaulay's out.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in Paris, I think. Oh, yeah, that's what?

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Name drop. But I like sharing the story. Conan told me. He was like, there's so much noise in the world. Not just show business, but in the world. He's like, just keep doing what you do. Like keep. Kieran is like. He was like, I just banged on a triangle. Everyone's playing saxophone.

[Mark Normand]

Put them down.

[Pete Holmes]

They play the drums. Put it down. Play the clarinet. He's like, I just kept hitting the same triangle. And because of its consistency, you start to emerge through all the noise.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, that's. That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't it good?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Well, let's. Let's plug some.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. You on the road there, fatty? What do you got cooking?

[Pete Holmes]

I really like it. Let's look them up real quick. I'm going to tell you.

[Mark Normand]

You. We can pull it up for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to. Oh yeah, PeteHomes.com Los Angeles, obviously I have my monthly show, which you guys will be on when you're in town.

[Mark Normand]

Can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

Milwaukee, Brea, San Francisco, north and South Carolina. Miami, Michigan. Madison, Wisconsin, which is always so fun. Denver, which is always so fun. So I go out about like once or twice a month. Usually once, but a couple twices there.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I like it. So go to PeteHomes.com and please follow me.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

On all of the things you're not going to see. A more fun act. It's a wacky all over the place. Every set is different. Yeah, it's all. It's. It's good time.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate it. I. I think my talent as a comedian is. Is to attune with the crowd and, and find each other. Like, it's not. It's.

[Mark Normand]

I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why it's different. It's because I'm trying to figure them out.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's a good live show if I can plug myself.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, it is. I've seen it. I saw Rory the other day and Rory's a good reminder standard, like, oh, you gotta be funny. It's not just like a funny Joe, he's just funny.

[Pete Holmes]

See, Rory is a hero of mine too. He's. He's maybe my favorite. And that is exactly what I'm going for is being funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Not tricking people, not ignoring people, but like merging with them and being a funny thing.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Rory's a great, great comp. Oh, and I have my podcast, which, Sam, you've never been on it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I'll totally do it, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Please let me know when you're in la.

[Mark Normand]

That's an Oldie, huh? I was on that thing in like, what, 81.

[Pete Holmes]

Long time ago.

[Mark Normand]

It's been a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Long time ago.

[Sam Morril]

I just got. Yeah. Carnegie Hall, December 4th. Hopefully it's sold out by now. And I'm adding. I added some. Wait, wait.

[Mark Normand]

Is it sold nearby?

[Pete Holmes]

Nearby?

[Sam Morril]

No, it's close.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you gotta have it. Ticket anxiety for that.

[Sam Morril]

Nah, it's almost there. And then. And then we got ass. And then I'm. I added Omaha, January 8th through 10th. I love that club. Omaha. Funny Bone. And then. Then going back to Chicago in February. Gonna tape a Special in Tampa February 27th. So I think that goes on sale tomorrow.

[Pete Holmes]

What's it called? Grateful Market.

[Sam Morril]

I love Tampa, dude. I'm doing it for a reason. Tampa theater, beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

I just find when you go to Florida, they're happier there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I love it, dude. Tampa's killer. Killer crowds.

[Pete Holmes]

Same with Jersey. Jersey was so hot for me.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

New York was great. And Jersey, I was shocked. That. And it was at Harrah's. It was in Atlanta city.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like. But it's. You know, it's Philly. It's all these people and they're.

[Sam Morril]

It's good.

[Pete Holmes]

They're happy that you came kind of close to them because sometimes it gets overlooked. That's what I mean.

[Sam Morril]

AC is. Can be pretty good.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

As long as you don't walk too far.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Gets fucking.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You're gambling with your life.

[Sam Morril]

Is that true?

[Pete Holmes]

It's unsafe.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. It's wild out there.

[Sam Morril]

Crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I call it Vegas with aids. Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Mix it up.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, I'll be in Prior Lake H I. Vegas. Now we're getting somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

I wasn't going to leave until I got.

[Mark Normand]

Shopped it. I'll be at the Kansas City Funny Bun. Going back to clubs for the. I got to build a new hour. So come by and hear half of the we. We riffed on.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that you got on camera. Me realizing you guys are doing even better than I thought you were. Cuz I'm like, you got to be nervous about those tickets. You're like, no, I'm pretty sure it's sold out. You're like, ah, I'm going back to clubs. Go back to my tour dates.

[Sam Morril]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's parallel. No disclaimer on mine, though.

[Mark Normand]

Jk, what do we. Hold on. Kansas City, Des Moines, Sin City, Brea.

[Pete Holmes]

There. Good club.

[Mark Normand]

Great club.

[Sam Morril]

Great club.

[Mark Normand]

Doing some casinos as a money grab for the Factory. Yeah. New Jersey, New Brunswick, San Antonio.

[Sam Morril]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

And Tulsa and Swahita.

[Pete Holmes]

Helium. I just. I did Indianapolis, I think.

[Mark Normand]

I love a helium.

[Pete Holmes]

I love a helium. They did it right. They're like WI fi with it. Just make it the same.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. Good layout.

[Pete Holmes]

Buffalo, too.

[Mark Normand]

Buffalo. Portland. All right. Yeah, that's. That's. We're Going all the Way Comedy club in Portland, Maine, now just opened. It's. It's little, but they're hot. Yeah, that's a good town.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you know. Bye. Bala Bodega. We got a shout out. Some new partners from Bodega Cat, by the way. Shout out Lartuzzi, one of the best restaurants in New York City.

[Pete Holmes]

Putting it on the menu so it's not just.

[Sam Morril]

It's in their cocktail. I think they're an old Fashioned or something. That should be soon. And that's like. That's a big deal.

[Mark Normand]

We got high tops and Timonium.

[Pete Holmes]

What is that?

[Mark Normand]

That's outside of Maryland. Great bar.

[Pete Holmes]

What are these live shows for you guys?

[Sam Morril]

No, no, this is our whiskey Selling the hooch.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Modern Mammals is my shampoo. Magic Mine.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I love Modern Mammals. It cleans your hair, but it doesn't look like you washed it. You'd both like it, right? And you need it, man.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on. Wait, you have your own whiskey? Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Take a swig. Happy Medium Cocktail Bar in San Diego. I'm going there this weekend. Hopefully he showed up.

[Pete Holmes]

You couldn't really sign the bottle.

[Mark Normand]

We will, we will. We're in Lartuzzi in New York. Shade Bar in the Village. Strip house.

[Sam Morril]

Love. Strip house. Comedy seller, comic strip. New York Comedy Club.

[Mark Normand]

Martin's Wine Cellar, Enola, Windsor Court and Bodega on Magazine Street. That's Justin Spot. He's a co comic. Great, great, great.

[Sam Morril]

It's all on the menu, though. That's huge. So. That's so cool. Yeah, he's got great burgers there, too.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Well, guys, thanks for listening. Go see Pete on tour and. And follow all his stuff and. And buy a bottle of Bodega Cat. Bodegacat whiskey dot com.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wasn't nervous about selling Town Hall. It's not even really. I don't even think about it. I just kind of go like, yeah, it'll be fine. I'm gonna work on my Sam. It'll be fine. Say it'll be fine.

[Sam Morril]

It'll be fine. It'll be fine.

[Mark Normand]

Solid.

[Sam Morril]

That's good. It's all right.

[Mark Normand]

Good.

[Sam Morril]

Godfrey does a pretty good Sam.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, he does.

[Pete Holmes]

Godfrey does a pretty good. I can't do it, but I can do okay. Oh, you mean Godfrey Godfrey?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Not Gilbert Black Godfrey? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, great. Let's end.

[Sam Morril]

That's at the ending. Thank you, guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedy Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of pever, you know, the beer juice.

[Mark Normand]

Close.

[Pete Holmes]

I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like the cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I, I get down in the same way. We might be true. Tis the season for all your holiday favorites like a very Jonah's Christmas Movie and Home Alone on Disney. Did I burn down the Tory?

[Mark Normand]

I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Then Hulu has National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

[Sam Morril]

We're all in for a very big Christmas Christmas treat.

[Pete Holmes]

All of these and more streaming this holiday season. And right now save big with our special Black Friday offer bundle Disney plus and Hulu for just4.99amonth for one year savings compared to current regular monthly price. Ends12.1 offer for ad supported Disney Plus Hulu bundle only then 12.99amonth or then current regular monthly price 18 plus terms apply.