Ep 264: The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year - We MIght Be Drunk

Summary

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We Might Be Drunk – Ep 264: The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy — Happy New Year

Release Date: December 29, 2025
Hosts: Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Guests: Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy, The Rizzler (viral kid comic), Matt Rife, Maddie Reiner

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Episode Overview

This raucous New Year’s episode of We Might Be Drunk delivers a classic, unfiltered hang as hosts Sam Morril and Mark Normand gather with comedy legends Dave Attell and Greg Fitzsimmons, plus regulars, for drinks, stories, comedy peeves, and a surprise visit from viral child sensation The Rizzler. Topics zigzag from comedy-road stories to childhood, standup philosophy, TV nostalgia, and the ever-changing game of showbiz. The tone is classic NYC comics: raw, quick, and loaded with inside-banter, bits, and roasts.

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Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. Irish Genes, Comedy Anatomy, and Opening Banter

Timestamps: 00:07–02:48

• Opening salvos on Irish genetics, anatomy and lacking "asses": "What is with the Irish? They can’t develop leg muscle or asses." – Mark Normand [00:25]
• Dave Attell and Sam riff on body talk as they transition into teenage nostalgia ("We used to drink all night...jump the fence...get naked...") – Attell [01:41]
• Early vibe: Unfiltered, loose, and heavy on comic camaraderie.

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2. Seinfeld’s Legacy, NYC Life, and Comedy Movement

Timestamps: 02:49–04:43

• Seinfeld shifts: From broke NYC to Hamptons elitism, reflection on sitcom evolution.
• "I was in the pool!" [02:42] — Classic Seinfeld callback.
• Discussion on comic stage presence: "Moving is flailing...you plant your feet and you tell your jokes." – Attell [04:06]

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3. Wrangling Dave Attell & NY Comedy Rituals

Timestamps: 04:44–06:33

• Stories about how tough Attell is to book; "It took, like, 14 confirmation texts..." – Sam [05:00]
• Attell’s legendary late nights at diners and his old Times Square porn shop era.
• Living in LA gives Attell more overlap to call up NY comics late at night.

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4. Porn Preferences, Comic Vulnerability, and Hidden Camera Stories

Timestamps: 06:34–10:23

• Banter about porn genres: "I like Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn. With, like, 'naturals.'" – Attell [07:03]
• Comic honesty about sobriety and near-relapses: "I almost lost my sobriety last week..." – Attell [09:57]
• Attell’s accidental rum in his Americano story [10:12]

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5. Attell’s Alaska Prank Story

Timestamps: 10:51–15:40

• Highlight: Attell tells an epic story about being pranked in Alaska by cops and a so-called adventure company fan, complete with feigned drug bust and fake felony warrants before being revealed as a set-up for that night’s comedy show.
• "I felt I was on all fours, tears rolling down my face. Relief and laughter at the same time." – Attell [15:20]

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6. Skank Fest, Comedy Festivals, and Beauty Pageants

Timestamps: 16:13–18:14

• Reminiscences about Skank Fest shenanigans and the notorious beauty pageant: "They paid for her rehab and found her parents for her." – Attell & Fitzsimmons [16:46]
• Reflections on the chaos and camaraderie of festival weekends.

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7. The State of the Comedy Industry: Pops, Oscars, and TV

Timestamps: 18:15–21:31

• The first American Pope joke (and why Italians are just better at Catholicism).
• Oscars moving to YouTube: "That is nuts. It's all changing." – Normand [43:08]
• Reflections on the churn of platform and industry norms.

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8. The Rizzler Arrives: Viral Stardom and Generational Gaps

Timestamps: 28:02–37:48

• Surprise drop-in: The viral kid comic The Rizzler appears in-studio.
  • Comics grill him on school, fame, Marvel Legends, and meeting celebrities ("Five million followers. Whoa, mama." – Maddie Reiner [30:30]).
  • "This guy slayed more poo than Pete Davidson." – Normand [30:16]
• Adorable and hilarious—Rizzler demonstrates his Riz Face, talks unboxing, and shares childhood joys (Kit-Kats and Shirley Temples).
• Roasts, mentorship, and navigation of child stardom in a super-meta, self-aware bit (and semi-awkward lap-sitting photo shoot).

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9. Aftermath: Satire, Reflections, and Industry Inside Baseball

Timestamps: 37:50–46:55

• Comics dissect the Rizzler’s appearance, lampooning viral fame and their own inappropriate energy.
• "There is...I can't wait till there are ODs.” – Normand joking about childhood stars [39:32]
• Ongoing riffing about showbiz's churn and the grind for relevance.

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10. Crowd Work vs. Joke Writing, Comedy Evolution

Timestamps: 53:25–56:10

• The hosts and guests debate the crowd work "bubble" and its downsides.
  • "I think the crowd work bubble is bursting." – Normand [56:36]
• Nostalgic admiration for comics who constantly write new, killer material.

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11. Comedy Peeves & Road Life

Timestamps: 67:27–77:22

• The tradition of sharing New Year’s peeves and pet annoyances.
  • Service dogs on planes (“You don’t mind, do you?” stories) [71:04].
  • “The guy who won’t answer any questions but tries to seem cool…” – Normand [74:08]
  • Eating before everyone else when food comes out—should you wait?
• Stories about travel, hotel woes, and odd road gigs.

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12. The Grind, Specials, and Creative Output

Timestamps: 77:23–84:49

• Real talk on the pressure to create new, relevant comedy hours; when to shoot specials; the diminishing importance of "the platform."
• “But then you have to tour again — with what?” – Fitzsimmons [63:10]
• Admiration for Sam, Mark, and newer comics' output.
• “You and List are pumping it out.” – Sam [77:59]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Dave Attell, on performing style: “Moving is flailing. That’s desperate. You plant your feet and you tell your jokes.” [04:06]
• Attell's Alaska Cop Prank: “Cop goes, ‘You have two outstanding felony warrants,’ … I'm like, what? Then they both start laughing — they’re coming to my show!" [14:01 to 15:18]
• Mark Normand on crowd work everywhere: “People stop writing jokes. They were just like, I’ll just go up and go ‘what do you do?’ ‘How long you been together?’ ‘What porn is this?’” [55:47]
• On The Rizzler: “This guy slayed more poo than Pete Davidson.” – Normand [30:16]
• Rizzler on his viral origin: “I came home one day, told my dad I wanted to do a video. I was like, ‘This is the face of a Rizzler.’ And I just became The Rizzler.” [30:37]
• On comedy writing output: “I always say, you guys are the machines.” – Fitzsimmons [77:56]
• Greg Fitzsimmons facing the special grind: “I feel like it’s always being squeezed down back into the same 25 minutes. So, you know, I don’t know what I’m doing.” [62:47]

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Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Comedy road story gold: Attell’s Alaska cop prank [10:51–15:40]
• Seinfeld “I was in the pool” nostalgia [02:42]
• Hot seat for The Rizzler: Coaching, lap-sitting, and viral wisdom [28:02–37:48]
• Crowd work bubble bursting (industry talk) [56:03–56:47]
• Rizzler’s Shirley Temple moment and unboxing Marvel Legends [33:37, 37:37]
• Comedy pet peeves and quirks (service dogs on planes, comics not sharing info, hotel gripes) [67:27–77:22]
• Camaraderie and gentle roast session as comics plug upcoming specials and club dates [82:41–86:46]

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Final Vibes

Authentic NYC comics yammer: Unfiltered, bro-heavy banter, plenty of inside-baseball and meta commentary about show business, stand-up, and the anxieties of creative output; lots of riffing on viral culture, generational divides, and the unique weirdness of modern comedy. The Rizzler’s appearance delivers a sharply funny, slightly inappropriate but endearing meta-moment, embodying the absurdity of modern celebrity.

Tone: Quick, uncensored, playful, and occasionally self-deprecating, just as you’d expect when Mark, Sam, Attell, Fitzsimmons, and a rotating bar of comics get loose together over a few drinks.

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Useful For:
Whether a hardcore We Might Be Drunk listener or a comedy-insider, this episode gives a perfect snapshot of the current comedy scene’s personalities, its inside jokes, and the ever-churning world of stand-up. The blend of nostalgia, comedy theory, and sheer chaos makes it a must-listen for comics, fans, and anyone curious about how the sausage is made in New York comedy circles heading into 2026.

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Transcript

[Sam Morril]

We're here. Happy New Year. We got Greg Fitzsimmons here.

[Mark Normand]

The king Fitzstone.

[Sam Morril]

I don't remember what you were just saying. I. I tell and I gay to sit like this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This guy.

[Mark Normand]

What are you doing? What are you, Gavin Newsom?

[Dave Attell]

I think if you have thick legs, it's not too bad. But when you have skinny legs and one, like, really wraps around the other.

[Mark Normand]

One, what is with the Irish? They can't develop leg muscle or asses.

[Dave Attell]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

You guys have no asses.

[Mark Normand]

What is that?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, it's like Asian women. It's like you look at an Asian women and the perfect lips and the smooth skin.

[Sam Morril]

I both. And it's disappointing every which way.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Irish man.

[Mark Normand]

Terrible Irish man and Asian women. Same dick. No, but you're. You're. You're hung.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, I'm hung. We've established that.

[Sam Morril]

And on the last episode, Mark made Scott Rowski talking about his dick.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

We were like, what is.

[Matt Rife]

What is.

[Sam Morril]

What are we doing here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I thought he had a micro, but he didn't, so.

[Dave Attell]

So I learned maybe instead of headshots, you should have Milton Berle.

[Mark Normand]

Is the whole wall. Uncle Milty.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. How are you hung?

[Mark Normand]

I'm in the middle. I'm like a stock Camry.

[Sean Murphy]

Right, right.

[Mark Normand]

You know, nothing flashy, but not. Not too disappointing.

[Dave Attell]

Good shape.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Solid shape. Curves to the left.

[Sam Morril]

As you get older, you have, like, good and bad dick days.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

When you're young, it's always kind of more. And then you get older, you're like, today's a good day. I hope someone sees it.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, yes.

[Sam Morril]

If they don't ask, I'll show it to someone.

[Dave Attell]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Go inside a school. Y him who's boss. But no, it's good. Good and bad days.

[Matt Rife]

It's interesting.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a good hair day, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, good point.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. The worst is that whenever you do see people naked, you're skinny dipping, which is the least ideal situation. Like, when we were teenagers, there was a town pool. I grew up in Tarrytown, and we had a town pool, and we used to drink all night. You know, we were like 15 years old. And then we would break into the pool. We jumped the fence, man. And then everybody would get Nate. It was crazy. Like, all the. All the kids in town.

[Mark Normand]

You had an idea childhood. You ice skated.

[Dave Attell]

We ice skated, drank.

[Mark Normand]

You did a mescaline. You swam in the water.

[Sam Morril]

And women, you're not being compromised in that situation. But guys it really. I mean, you think of the iconic Seinfeld episode, right? I was in the.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I showed it to a date recently.

[Matt Rife]

She's from England. She's like.

[Sam Morril]

She. I didn't know what Seinfeld is. I was like, oh, you've never seen this. So we. I threw in the Little Dick episode.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

And she was like, this is great.

[Dave Attell]

You threw in the little dick that night.

[Sam Morril]

After the Little Dick episode, I was like, now that I have a disclaimer here. No, but that's a great episode, right?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, it is.

[Mark Normand]

I was in the pool.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then him trying to see her naked.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

The justice of it.

[Mark Normand]

She's got a great body, buddy.

[Dave Attell]

But there was also, like, a shift that happened with Seinfeld where they went from being these broke New York, like, getting around on the subway. So suddenly they're in the Hamptons. You remember that? They got a lot of shit because they started. They started to not be about. You know. They started to be about, like, making money. And it was like, oh, they're rich now. Now they're doing episodes from the Hamptons.

[Sam Morril]

Well, that was a whole. The Cadillac episode. Elaine's like, I didn't know you make money like that.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Maddie Reiner]

They also started dating tens for some reason, they were dating fives early on. And then later on, they're all dating, like, the hottest women in New York, right?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

In real life, every actress on Seinfeld.

[Matt Rife]

Was a smoke show.

[Sam Morril]

George was pulling great. Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

George was doing well.

[Dave Attell]

Wasn't Courtney Cox a girlfriend of somebody on that? Or was that Friends?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Was it.

[Sam Morril]

She was on Seinfeld.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, those are young. Young, supple cam.

[Dave Attell]

There's no surprises when you lower that dress.

[Mark Normand]

No. God, no. No dick there. Wow. We had him on last week.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, I know. He was sitting right here in this seat.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, baby.

[Dave Attell]

Telling you how to do comedy.

[Mark Normand]

You got that right. We gotta move more.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, you gotta move around the stage more.

[Mark Normand]

You don't move, I don't move. Okay.

[Dave Attell]

No, moving is a. That's. That's flailing to me. That's desperate. You plant your feet and you tell your jokes.

[Sam Morril]

It depends on the act. Like, you know, it's weird to watch, like, rock not move.

[Dave Attell]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Certain guys, like, I get, like, Jerry moves, you move. It's like, to each their own. Bargazi's not moving, is he?

[Mark Normand]

Dave Attell moves only to slam the mic down and go, is this working? Hello, midgets.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. No, Dave's funny because, like, you can always find out what the next thing in technology is by what he's ragging on.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Like now it's like, tick tock.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Dave Attell]

But before that, crypto podcast.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, Pagers. I'd love to see Caveman David Fire.

[Dave Attell]

We get it upright walking.

[Sam Morril]

I'm excited to see him. Yeah, I know he's tough to wrangle.

[Mark Normand]

Man.

[Sam Morril]

That took like, 14 confirmation texts.

[Dave Attell]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

He's like, confirm me tomorrow morning. I'm like, okay. Then I'm like, dave doesn't answer. I'm literally getting texts from Brennan at the Strip House. The waiter going, attell's here. And I'm like, fuck. I'm like, come on, Dave, answer.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

I'm like, attell's out.

[Mark Normand]

He's at Strip House.

[Sam Morril]

It sounds like a cat. You're like, how did he get out?

[Mark Normand]

You need a net with a stick on it to get him. But snare?

[Sam Morril]

No, it took. It took a lot of confirmations, but.

[Matt Rife]

I think we wrangled him.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah. But on in years.

[Dave Attell]

My question is, like, when does he sleep?

[Mark Normand]

I think, like, what are his 7am to 4?

[Sam Morril]

I don't think he sleeps that late.

[Dave Attell]

No, I think it's like 7:00am to, like, 11. 11.

[Sam Morril]

But, dude, the amount of times I'm sure you've done this with him to leave in a diner with him and he orders a large coffee, and I'm like, God Damn, dude. It's 4:00am why are you drinking a large black iced coffee?

[Mark Normand]

I know. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And the bodega guy, just knowing Dave as he gets his American spirits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Attell]

But it's also, I like living in la because a lot of times he'll call me after his shows, and if you're on the east coast, it's like, all right, you know, it's 2:00am I'm not that guy anymore. But if I'm in LA, it's 11:00 o', clock. I'm driving home from the store, and then I can talk.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, right. Yeah, right. And he's at a new porn opening. You know, he's always at a porn store.

[Sam Morril]

Not anymore. Those are the old days, I guess.

[Mark Normand]

There's the Internet now.

[Dave Attell]

I can remember walking into porn stores in Times Square and they'd be like.

[Mark Normand]

Dave, he's like, norm.

[Dave Attell]

And they'd have a bag with, like, stuff he'd ordered that hadn't come in yet.

[Sean Murphy]

Wow.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. I don't know what his genre is.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I think he's all over the road. Well, ask him.

[Sam Morril]

He had a porn show.

[Matt Rife]

Mine is probably milf.

[Dave Attell]

Milf?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Milk's up there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

What do you think I was gonna say?

[Dave Attell]

I. I just don't know what that feels like. What?

[Sam Morril]

Too broad.

[Dave Attell]

It feels like if all of them were closed, that's what you would go to.

[Matt Rife]

Really?

[Sean Murphy]

What?

[Sam Morril]

What'd you go to?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, MILF's up there. Big Latina.

[Sean Murphy]

I like.

[Mark Normand]

Like a Latina.

[Dave Attell]

I like Czechoslovakian. Hidden camera massage porn.

[Sean Murphy]

Damn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, with a little parenthesis. Naturals.

[Sam Morril]

I like it.

[Mark Normand]

Pull it up. I don't know. This Czech. Losavakian.

[Dave Attell]

There's a ton of them.

[Mark Normand]

They start with a massage.

[Dave Attell]

They start with a massage. And the women are like tens because they're these Eastern.

[Sam Morril]

That's the one Hitler went to first, right?

[Dave Attell]

He used to do hidden camera massages.

[Matt Rife]

Maddie.

[Sam Morril]

This is Maddie bartending, by the way. Amazing out. Oh, is that a Kiss shirt? I love it. By the way. Rip Ace Freely, right?

[Sean Murphy]

He died.

[Sam Morril]

He died.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. In a New York groove.

[Sam Morril]

Can we do a cocktail? Mark, what do you think?

[Bartender]

What are we feeling?

[Mark Normand]

Good question.

[Sam Morril]

And we can make you a mock.

[Bartender]

Now it's got to be a mean mocktail.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Dave Attell]

Put in check. Hidden camera massage.

[Mark Normand]

This is distracting.

[Sam Morril]

Did you know that pornhub is now? There was an article saying it's. It can monitor your stuff. And they can blackmail you.

[Dave Attell]

Come on, who does?

[Mark Normand]

I've seen enough black males.

[Bartender]

I like Lemon Whore.

[Dave Attell]

But if he got blackmailed with a black male. Is that how that expression.

[Sam Morril]

A bit on the nose? Yeah.

[Maddie Reiner]

I mean, shit, Greg, I got a warning here. It says your search could be illegal and abusive sexual material, including non consensual intimate imagery.

[Dave Attell]

They consented to the massage. They just didn't consent to the hidden camera. Well, to the blowjob they end up giving the guy.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, there it is.

[Dave Attell]

No, that's not it.

[Sean Murphy]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

What are we doing? Filth. We just started.

[Matt Rife]

Is there a drink you have in mind? What are you thinking?

[Bartender]

I wanted to make you guys an Old Fashioned.

[Mark Normand]

I'll do an Old Fashioned. Hello. That's a classic.

[Sam Morril]

Can you make Greg a mocktail?

[Dave Attell]

Greg doesn't drink anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can tell.

[Bartender]

You make a mocktail?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Bartender]

Ginger. Okay.

[Dave Attell]

Ginger sounds nice.

[Bartender]

Have you guys heard of Lemon Whore? That's my favorite porn.

[Mark Normand]

Lemon Whore.

[Matt Rife]

What's Lemon Whore?

[Mark Normand]

Pull it up.

[Sam Morril]

Is this like Lemon Party?

[Bartender]

No, there's like a story. You know, I like a story.

[Mark Normand]

I see girl porn and it's this.

[Bartender]

Couple hanging out on a couch. And then all of a. They're like, looking at their tree. Lemon Trees. And they're like, wow, look at our beautiful lemon trees. I love our lemon trees. I want you to fuck me underneath our lemon trees. And then a woman scales the fence and starts stealing lemons. And the woman's like, that lemon whore. You need to have sex with her to punish her for stealing our lemons.

[Mark Normand]

Anyone else? Hard. I don't know.

[Sam Morril]

Scaling offense, it sounds like Mexican porn right there. Is this a real thing? Lemon.

[Dave Attell]

She's selling the lemons at a median in la.

[Sam Morril]

Afterwards on a highway.

[Mark Normand]

Lemon stealing whore.

[Bartender]

Lemon stealing whore.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Okay, I'll watch that.

[Bartender]

Can't find lemon whore. It's pretty niche, okay.

[Mark Normand]

This is all new to me. I'm learning a lot.

[Dave Attell]

I almost lost my sobriety last week. I went. This is a true. It sounds like a made up story, but this actually happened. I go to this Italian restaurant and I order. I say, can I get an Americana with room? And so the guy. Is that a weird order, by the way?

[Sam Morril]

It's a coffee, but it's also a.

[Dave Attell]

Cocktail Americana with room.

[Mark Normand]

Nobody gets milk in an Americano.

[Dave Attell]

That's what I've been told. Later. That you're not supposed to.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. A lot of water in it.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. So I order that and then the. The guy.

[Sam Morril]

Vermouth and Campari.

[Dave Attell]

No, no, no. He comes back and he goes, we now have a rum. I said, no room.

[Mark Normand]

So you got rum in it?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And you took a swig?

[Dave Attell]

I took a little swig.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit, you broke it.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Now that you're broken, you may as well have a drink.

[Dave Attell]

When I'm 65, I'm gonna do it.

[Mark Normand]

Can you tell your story about that gig you did with a guy in the truck with the drugs?

[Dave Attell]

Guy in the truck with the drugs.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you know, a guy's like, we gotta hang out. I got ATVs. Oh, this is the best road story ever.

[Dave Attell]

Okay, so I was in Alaska.

[Mark Normand]

Alaska? Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Last month I was in Alaska.

[Sam Morril]

What part?

[Dave Attell]

Fairbanks.

[Sam Morril]

I don't even know it.

[Dave Attell]

Fairbanks. I think it's the capital, isn't it?

[Matt Rife]

No.

[Dave Attell]

Juno.

[Mark Normand]

What'd you call him?

[Dave Attell]

The Juneau?

[Mark Normand]

The Junu.

[Dave Attell]

So I fly up there and I go to the guy, you know, I want to do something fun during the day. And he calls me back and he goes, I got this guy, he's got an outdoor company, you know, an adventure company. They've got ATVs and snowmobiles. He's a fan of yours. He wants to take you out for an adventure.

[Mark Normand]

This is what I like about you. Most people go what are you, crib? Most comics go, this is insane. I'm not doing it, but you're up for it.

[Dave Attell]

But I was definitely inside because, you know, I grew up in New York, I've been in LA 25 years. I know nothing about the outdoors.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Sam Morril]

And so, yeah, we're worthless outdoors people.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, we're just.

[Sam Morril]

You're okay, but you're not great.

[Mark Normand]

I'm okay. I don't love it. I'd rather hang out at a bar.

[Sam Morril]

No, we're like city people.

[Matt Rife]

We're not.

[Dave Attell]

Well, the indoors feels like a victory. Like we won. Yes. Yes, we're inside. Temperature's always the same.

[Sam Morril]

I like outdoors, but for me, it's like taking walks, like grabbing a coffee and just walking around. That's my.

[Mark Normand]

Outdoors, controlled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

So the guy shows up and he's got a big truck with trailer on the back with a muddy dune buggy. And I suddenly think, like, all right, I fucked up. You know, I'm gonna be in pain, I'm gonna be cold, probably wet. So I get in and I start talking to the guy, and he's like the nicest guy. He's about to retire, he's totally mellow, and he's like, I'm gonna take you on an adventure. So we drive about 10 minutes and we get pulled over by the cops. And the guy goes, this is bad. And I'm like, what do you mean? I go, you didn't do anything, it's fine. He goes, no, this is bad. I'm like, woohoo.

[Mark Normand]

Who are you?

[Dave Attell]

And so the cop.

[Sam Morril]

Naked teenagers in the fucking trailer.

[Mark Normand]

You wish he was just there.

[Dave Attell]

So the cop walks up and the guy hands me a baggie with white powder in it. And he goes, hide this.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Dave Attell]

Spills some of it on my pants. So I stick it under the seat. The cop walks up, he goes, license and registration. So the guy says to me, open the glove box and get the. So I open up the glove box and a baggie of pills and $100 bills pops out. And so I shove it back in with the back of my hand, I put some paper over it, and the cop goes, what are you hiding?

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Oh.

[Dave Attell]

And I go. I go, nothing. He goes, you're hiding something. And I don't even know why I did it. It was just like this reflex reaction from being a teenager, you know?

[Mark Normand]

That's a good guy.

[Dave Attell]

So I hand the cop the drugs, and then he goes, speaking of drugs.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, Dave, you're right in the midd of this punchline.

[Sam Morril]

Here come Sit there, Sit there.

[Dave Attell]

So. So the guy goes, hey, Dave. So I hand the cop the drugs, and then the. And then he goes, put both of you put your hands on the dashboard.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Attell]

So I got my hands on the dashboard. And he walks back to his car to run the guy's license. He comes back and he goes, you realize you have two outstanding felony warrants.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, shit.

[Dave Attell]

And the guy goes, yeah. I'm like, yeah. And so he goes, are there any guns in the car? And I'm thinking, of course there's gotta be. And so he goes, no, I don't have any guns. And so he. He takes the guy out and he handcuffs him.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Dave Attell]

I got a show in four hours.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Dave Attell]

And he walks him back. And I'm just sitting there and I take my hands off the dashboard.

[Sam Morril]

Are there any guns in the car?

[Dave Attell]

No. Blows the cop's head off and then kills himself.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Now I'm just sitting in a truck. And so he comes back and he goes. He goes, where did you get the drugs? I said, the glove compartment. He goes, no. He said, they're yours.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Oh.

[Dave Attell]

So I go, no, they're not mine. I go, dude, I'm a comedian. I said, I've known this guy like 20 minutes. I just got picked up. I got a show tonight. He goes, well, I don't believe you. Cause you said you're from California, which is a drug feeder state.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Dave Attell]

And you said you're a comedian and you're not funny.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, shit.

[Dave Attell]

And I'm like. I'm like, when was I supposed to be funny?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So now I'm listening.

[Dave Attell]

So the cop takes me out of the car. He walks me back to the other car, and he opens up the back door. The guy gets out and they both look at me and they start laughing and they go, we're coming to your comedy show tonight. His best friend was a cop in town. They set the whole thing up.

[Sam Morril]

That is fucking insane.

[Dave Attell]

I felt I was on all fours, tears rolling down my face. It was like relief and laughter at the same time.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Dave Attell]

What the.

[Mark Normand]

What a prank. What a prank.

[Sam Morril]

That is insane.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Dave Attell]

Then they took me to this ice bar. It was made out of ice, and they drank seven appletinis each.

[Mark Normand]

No Mexicans there.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. So.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Ice bar.

[Dave Attell]

Ice bar.

[Sean Murphy]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which. Which just for last, was this.

[Mark Normand]

O. Thanks for getting up, Dave. Thanks for being.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thanks for having me pumped.

[Sam Morril]

You're here, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They moved the smallest Christmas tree. Somewhere in a children's hospital, there's a.

[Mark Normand]

Little empty space that's a Brad Williams right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's good to see my buddy Greg. I think the last time we were all together was Skank Fest.

[Sean Murphy]

Skank.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, what a treat. What a treat.

[Dave Attell]

Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

I was fucking hammered when we were talking. Great, thanks. Joe List pulled me aside. He's like, I'm trying to get a real interview. He won't stop singing. And I was like, I'm gonna black out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're definitely gonna make Joe's. What was that, a documentary or a love letter?

[Mark Normand]

He's calling it a love Talking, I think just talking.

[Dave Attell]

The best was they had a. They had a. The beauty. The beauty pageant. The Skank fest beauty pageant.

[Mark Normand]

Ms.

[Dave Attell]

Gang Fest, which was great because they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gave the winner so close.

[Dave Attell]

They. For the winner. They. They paid for her rehab and they found her parents for.

[Mark Normand]

They can pay for that abortion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I. So what? Oh, I knew it. This is how they got that kid at Conan's. You guys are wearing black tie, right? Is that what this is right now?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's New Year's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Oh, there you go.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you talking about Rob Reiner's kid?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I thought that was. I thought that was. I thought they were punking him. Like, show up in a tracksuit, look crazy, and ask everyone if they're famous.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. He fought with Bill Hader at Conan o' Brien's party's.

[Sam Morril]

Like, why am I in these pictures?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a tragedy.

[Mark Normand]

It is. Rob writer, legend. Dude. Sad. They got the wife too, which. That sucks.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sorry I brought it down. Got any more stories back up?

[Dave Attell]

All right.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, guys, what a crazy week. Let's take a look back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we had a blue origin. That was big with the ladies and gentlemen space.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

These are all, like, your bits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we had Elon Highling, I think.

[Sam Morril]

I think Blue Ocean was, like, two years ago.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry.

[Sam Morril]

I think that's an old reference. Right.

[Mark Normand]

So.

[Matt Rife]

All right, all right.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I gotta stop doing a bit about it then. What else? Yeah, what's the big story?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, the Sig Heil was January.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Okay.

[Sam Morril]

I remember because I was like, let's give him a shot. And then I was like, that was a Nazi salute right there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that was great.

[Dave Attell]

We got an American Pope this year. Yeah, that was exciting because, you know, I don't want an American Pope. I think I'd rather have an Italian one because, like. Because, like, they actually believe in God. Like, America's like, you believe in God? They're like, yeah, but the Italians are like. They drink this. The Sacrificial wine. Like, they. They literally believe it's Jesus's blood, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

They're like, oh.

[Sam Morril]

What'S that movie with all where they're deciding on the new Pope? We call it again Conclave.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God. That was awesome.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that was fun until the end. I was like, I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Wasn't he trans or something?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, give it away.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry. I don't want to get Dave a boner. Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Too late.

[Sean Murphy]

Sorry.

[Sam Morril]

Fora is coming.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What. What is this picture here that we're.

[Mark Normand]

Looking at, by the way? Derosa stayed in the hotel room next to me during skank fest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Boy, was that loud.

[Dave Attell]

Really? It was just him crying.

[Mark Normand]

What happened to me? He's adopted, so he's upset, but yeah, a lot of knocking boots on that guy. Really very impressive.

[Dave Attell]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

I saw a few of the ladies, though.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, they look like Zach Amico, but still.

[Sam Morril]

And they're hung like him.

[Dave Attell]

I went over at the show.

[Mark Normand]

We had special guests. Long time in the making. Oh, no. Charlie Sheen. Come on in, sir.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Morril]

This is big.

[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Buddy, how are you?

[Sam Morril]

The Rizzler.

[Mark Normand]

Sit down. Wait. I'm not allowed to be near children. What's up man? How are you? Happy New Year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm just about to light a cigarette.

[Mark Normand]

He's on two packs a day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's up, champ?

[Mark Normand]

How you doing?

[Sam Morril]

Rizzler, how you doing? Big Knicks fan too I love it.

[Mark Normand]

Give this guy a mic.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, he's got one.

[Sean Murphy]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Where you been, wrestler?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

In school.

[Mark Normand]

In school? Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Nice.

[Dave Attell]

Good for you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many tickets? Sorry, we've comics, that's all we talk about. Seats.

[Mark Normand]

What school are you going to?

[Dave Attell]

Oh, he's got a mic.

[Mark Normand]

He's going. Well, I guess you can't say the school because then people will show up.

[Sam Morril]

Are you the most popular kid in the class right now?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, nice. You fighting off some girls?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta hit them, fight them on. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

This is exciting. How was it talking to Walt Frazier? I saw that. That was pretty cool.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

You a fan? Yeah, very cool, man.

[Sam Morril]

Can we get him, like, a treat or something? He can't have alcohol, but we'll get him something.

[Mark Normand]

Get him a dog, bring up that.

[Matt Rife]

Energy.

[Dave Attell]

Give him some sinkering.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Sam Morril]

I like that. I'm like, five drinks deep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's your favorite comic?

[Mark Normand]

Go ahead, Matt Rife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know it's a tough question.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Who does he like?

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

The Rizzler's Iced Tea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have your own drink?

[Dave Attell]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look how jealous, Craig.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Who's the coolest. Who's the coolest celeb you've met so far?

[Mark Normand]

Jared Fogel.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Oh, Theo.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Theo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You even have a handler that remembers for you. Are you doing all right?

[Mark Normand]

His name's dad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the next mountain to climb? Twizzler. Is that. What's his name again?

[Mark Normand]

Rizzler.

[Sean Murphy]

Come on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

He's a legend.

[Dave Attell]

Wait, I gotta. I gotta claim ignorance here. Can you introduce a guy?

[Sam Morril]

You know who the Rizzler is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know him either.

[Sam Morril]

You guys don't know the Rizzler?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm drawn to, like, when a young child comes in.

[Mark Normand]

This guy slayed more poo than Pete Davidson.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Now, reference. If you see that outfit, walk the other way.

[Sam Morril]

The Rizzler's big time, man.

[Mark Normand]

There he is.

[Maddie Reiner]

Five million followers.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa, mama.

[Sam Morril]

How did it pop off you? What was the big moment?

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Oh.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

So I came home one day, and then I told my dad I wanted to do a video. And I was like, this is the face of a Rizzler?

[Mark Normand]

And then.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

And I just became the Rizzler.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

What an origin story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at us, Buck.

[Sam Morril]

There it is.

[Mark Normand]

They call Dave the Diddler.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who is that? Your unpaid intern? Who is that? Your.

[Sam Morril]

He does your stunts.

[Mark Normand]

That's the UFC guy. He's cool.

[Sam Morril]

Damn, he is tiny, man.

[Mark Normand]

I know. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

What is he, like, 2 foot 1? Look at him.

[Mark Normand]

How old are you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now I'm an old man. What is the Rizzler mean? Like what. What's your. What?

[Mark Normand]

He's got Riz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Oh, I get it. So you're like, the Lebowski of this gen HQ9.

[Mark Normand]

He's Rob Lowe.

[Dave Attell]

Really? Love.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You seem pretty comfortable in front of the camera. I think that's awesome, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What's like. Yeah. What do you want to do next?

[Dave Attell]

Do any kids hate on you? Do any of the guys at school resent you and they're jealous of you?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Nope.

[Mark Normand]

No haters. That's rare.

[Dave Attell]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's really great.

[Mark Normand]

What about the DMs? Some real weirdos.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Did. Don't look.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what are you hoping on from Santa this year? A union card? So make some real cash.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

So there's these action figures called Marvel Legends. The, like, Marvel action figures.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pull them off, white. Let's hear it.

[Sean Murphy]

Marvel.

[Dave Attell]

Keep going.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Action figures. I have like, 40 of them.

[Mark Normand]

You do?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

In my collection.

[Mark Normand]

Holy.

[Sam Morril]

How much money are you saving? And how much are you burning?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Right there, That's Spider Man.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

The Captain America.

[Mark Normand]

All of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at them. All heroes. Not like those firemen and police.

[Mark Normand]

How big are they?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

They're like this big.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

They're.

[Mark Normand]

Hezbollah size.

[Dave Attell]

So will there be a Rizzler Marvel?

[Mark Normand]

Probably.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a great question.

[Mark Normand]

We gotta hit the. The weights.

[Matt Rife]

He seems.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

And then there's these other things. They're called hot toys. The same thing, but just more expensive.

[Mark Normand]

Hot toys.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

And they're like this big.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what do you think about the oscars? Moving to YouTube? What is the risk? What's the Rizz's take on that?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, those are cool. I don't know. That is crazy. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Unfiltered. And no time limit. That's what we need.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, God. What's your favorite?

[Sam Morril]

What's your favorite? Like candy. I see you ranking all the candies online. Kit Kat.

[Mark Normand]

Good choice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's classic.

[Mark Normand]

Give me a break. I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's your favorite? Put down.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, don't say the N word. All right, good. He's a nice kid. He doesn't put people down.

[Sam Morril]

What's your favorite cocktail? We have a full bar here for you.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Shirley Temples.

[Sam Morril]

Can we get him one?

[Mark Normand]

That was adorable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the gateway drink. Next stop, rehab.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Look, I'm even. There's a video of me unboxing Marvel Legends.

[Matt Rife]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Let's see.

[Maddie Reiner]

Which one is it?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

I'm in the green shirt.

[Mark Normand]

Green shirt. Oh, there's The Marvelous Unboxing. Oh, my God. Hell, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's so excited.

[Mark Normand]

Damn, I wish you were my dad.

[Sam Morril]

Do you play with them or do you keep them in the box?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

I just keep them. No, I take them out of the box and then I pose them that. Just keep them in a shelf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, in other countries, kids your age, when they. When they do something, it's food. They're like, look at this food. Into my food hole. Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

Very lucky.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you. Usaid. That was a great. How many takes did it take you.

[Dave Attell]

To get to that?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Once.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're in that guy's movie, people. Are you gonna be in their movie? Because, you know they're doing a movie.

[Sam Morril]

We might have to write them in, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, we gotta write a great idea.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

That'll be cool.

[Matt Rife]

What's the plan after this?

[Sam Morril]

You going to dinner or you.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

I'm going to play Fortnite Fortnight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's that again? I thought it was some kind of gender thing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You think about transitioning.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Craig, you're a father. Say something to him. Well, give him some advice or something.

[Dave Attell]

Here's the advice. You got to stand up to your parents.

[Maddie Reiner]

Wanted to see if Mark will ever.

[Matt Rife]

Get a photo of him in your.

[Maddie Reiner]

Lap like Santa Claus.

[Sean Murphy]

Would you.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

What?

[Sam Morril]

This is Talk to the dad there.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow. All right, well, let me.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

All right.

[Maddie Reiner]

My man.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, geez. All right, buddy. Let me get the hat on.

[Dave Attell]

But he said, don't have a hat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The hat takes some of the creep out of it.

[Sean Murphy]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. He did that a little too easily.

[Mark Normand]

This is gonna be maybe put on the list. Oh, there. You got a warm ass.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now you can get off.

[Sam Morril]

What the.

[Mark Normand]

Mark.

[Sam Morril]

What the fuck?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dismount. He's wrestling. He's wrestling.

[Mark Normand]

He's wrestling right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's doing his take.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you, Riz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was great.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You really unboxed.

[Dave Attell]

You guys lasted, like, six minutes. It was great.

[Sam Morril]

By the way, the Rizzler's been on Fallon more than us this year. I think he's killing it, dude. He's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Everybody slumming it. What happened?

[Mark Normand]

Give me service.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is a this. In Jeffers, they call this a U turn.

[Sam Morril]

How was the Tonight Show?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Oh, it's good.

[Dave Attell]

They give you a gift bag for it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

There it is. What'd you get?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Like a T shirt? Like a mug that said Tonight Show?

[Mark Normand]

Is that the family? Yeah. Boy, you got a handsome. Look at that. Your dad's got great arms.

[Matt Rife]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you guys.

[Mark Normand]

You're the dad?

[Maddie Reiner]

Yeah. This is big justice and little justice.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, geez. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, I watched the Jersey Shore.

[Sam Morril]

This is the Extended Universe show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where's Tommy T?

[Sam Morril]

And so this all came from just this right here.

[Dave Attell]

Wow. Now, do you know how long until you. DJ.

[Maddie Reiner]

Can you explain to Mr. Attel what the Riz face is? He hasn't seen it before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why me?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Okay, so the Riz face is just this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it.

[Dave Attell]

That's it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But no one else could do it. I mean, you got it.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you find, like, when you're out in places that go, let's see that Riz face? Do they say that to you?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Like, I take pictures, like, once in a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Once in a while.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

But now it's like, a little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, do you ever go, hey, you know, I'm eating, or something like that?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Like, I went to the carnival. Like, I literally got chased by. People say, no pictures. I had, like, two.

[Sam Morril]

Kevin Spacey was there.

[Mark Normand]

They were trying to put him in a cage. Stay with us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that you?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow. Sorry. I'm a little.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we're all a little shocked.

[Sam Morril]

Have you tried on the ladies? Does it work?

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do they like to do? Pinch your cheeks, I bet. And what do you do?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Save it.

[Maddie Reiner]

All right, well, thank you, Rizzler, for coming.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you, Rizzler.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you. I know you're a busy man.

[Sam Morril]

Enjoy playing Fortnite. Thank you.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Group photos.

[Mark Normand]

Get dad in here.

[Dave Attell]

Final question. Favorite Christmas movie?

[Sean Murphy]

Two Girls.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, good one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Two Girls, one Riz.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, thanks, man. Appreciate it. You did a great job with her.

[Mark Normand]

Get in here.

[Dave Attell]

Come on. Lean in over here.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

Are you guys Long Island?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brooklyn, New Jersey.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, nice. New Yorkers.

[Sam Morril]

Thanks for coming by, guys.

[Mark Normand]

Good luck getting out of here.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

I'm gonna take that wristburger.

[Sam Morril]

You take it.

[Mark Normand]

Take it.

[Dave Attell]

You earned it.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You want a tit for the road?

[Sam Morril]

Thank you, Rizzler, for dropping in. What a. What a New Year's surprise. We've been trying to book the Rizzler for years.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Sam Morril]

As all the die hard fans know, there's been a lot of whiffs on the Rizzler so far.

[Dave Attell]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

We've been stood up about four times.

[Dave Attell]

Oh, this is the first time he's been on.

[Sam Morril]

First time he showed up. No, no, we've tried many times. We've been blown off school.

[Mark Normand]

He's huge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Huge.

[Mark Normand]

He's a tough guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't know that.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

You wouldn't know it from his electricity. He Was pumping out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I mean, I felt like he. You know, he said, go and do him a favor. So he gave you 50?

[Mark Normand]

You know, I guess so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fallon, he's all over the place. You saw that clip?

[Mark Normand]

I know. It was cute, though. His feet didn't hit the floor.

[Sam Morril]

He was.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

He.

[Sam Morril]

Honestly, if you watch the Fallon, he's kind of phoning it in there, too. No, he's just hot. He doesn't care. Yeah, he's just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's the Riz man.

[Mark Normand]

There is. I can't wait till the ODs. What? Well, we got 10 years, Mark. They got 10 good years.

[Sam Morril]

He's a good kid, Mark.

[Mark Normand]

Sweet kid. I'd hate to see him trick or treating, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what I forgot to do is say hey. Say your prayers.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we gotta send him some marvel legends.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're heading home to duplex somewhere. To a two family home with a very old parrot. Sick parrot in the living room.

[Mark Normand]

And he has no idea what just happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A heavy bag somewhere.

[Sam Morril]

His dad clearly just likes comedy. Yeah, we got lucky.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, we were saying crazy. His dad was just like.

[Dave Attell]

Well, you told him he had a hot ass.

[Mark Normand]

It was hot. I mean, I wasn't joking. That was warm. It was hurting.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you're gonna get in trouble for that shit, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, he said, I'll find you.

[Sam Morril]

Can't do that.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't ask for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think we found a new judge for kill. Tony. Can you approach him, take him through it?

[Mark Normand]

What'd you think of his set, Riz?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Only three Rizzes.

[Sam Morril]

We're gonna take this out of context. The Rizzler gave you a lap dance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, good luck, my friend. AI will replace you in a sec.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's on.

[Sam Morril]

He's on fire right now. Everyone wants a piece of the Riz.

[Mark Normand]

He's really good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You saw that unboxing. Come on, if Netflix doesn't jump on that, who will? Unboxing with the wrist.

[Dave Attell]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

You've heard of him, huh?

[Dave Attell]

I've never heard him on ncis. I mean, where would I. Where would I hear about him?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we were on the same. Actually, I have met him once. We were on the same team on the Knicks charity game.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Oh.

[Sam Morril]

He was a defensive liability, if I say so myself.

[Mark Normand]

But he was a heavy kid. I mean, that was a lot of weight. Yeah, very, you know, portly.

[Dave Attell]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Cute, but cute.

[Maddie Reiner]

So cute.

[Mark Normand]

There he is. Hey, look at you, too. A couple of studs, believe it or Not.

[Sam Morril]

We didn't win the game. Can you believe it? With this backcourt, we weren't crushing.

[Mark Normand]

It'd be better over there, bud.

[Sam Morril]

That's. That's actually not a bad movie idea. The Rizzler.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. He rides them in. Oh, is that Vinnie from Jersey Shore behind you? Oh, there you go.

[Dave Attell]

Sorry, Greg, didn't somebody stick their thumb up somebody's ass in a Nick team photo?

[Mark Normand]

Pull it up.

[Sam Morril]

It was. Yeah. Josh Hart did it to Jalen Brunson.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He stuck his thumb up his ass.

[Mark Normand]

That's awesome.

[Sam Morril]

They're fucking. They're. They're psychos. They're great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're friends.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, they're buddies. Did you see the video where they made fun of co. Anthony Townes?

[Matt Rife]

The cartoon?

[Sam Morril]

Did you see that?

[Sean Murphy]

No.

[Sam Morril]

Cat's a little zesty on the team. That's. That's the funny video.

[Matt Rife]

What is this?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, right up his ass.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

He jerked quick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like right here.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that spin.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, they're best friends. He's with us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gonna get shot.

[Mark Normand]

You know Jalen Rose?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's the first ever person named Jalen. And it just stuck.

[Matt Rife]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Now there's millions of Jalens.

[Sam Morril]

I didn't know.

[Mark Normand]

Fun fact. Jalen hurts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wish the race would come back.

[Mark Normand]

I'm sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it kind of fell off.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. He's making me nervous, that kid.

[Sam Morril]

I was nervous when you sat in your lap. I was like, this is not good idea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was that again, or is that just a wish?

[Sam Morril]

That was your idea. What, are you trying to end the podcast?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was really weird. It was like a make a wish thing.

[Mark Normand]

How'd you read my mind?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, the second that was proposed. I mean, this is bad, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Boy, oh, boy. Yeah, man. Yeah. The oscars go to YouTube. That is nuts. It's all changing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, no, but that's good news for you guys.

[Mark Normand]

Is it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they. They. On the news, they were saying, yeah, now we can have an unfiltered host, which is the one thing that they always hate.

[Sam Morril]

Any.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Anytime any guy gets edgy, you know, they're like, yeah, whatever. But they're like, yeah, now we can get anybody in there. It'll be great.

[Mark Normand]

I guess so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You still get sponsors? You still get people paying for it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. They said 2029. So when does your film come out?

[Sam Morril]

Probably by then.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, hopefully. Jesus Christ. These fuckers take forever.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

You wrote on the Oscars before, huh?

[Dave Attell]

I wrote on the Emmys, and I wrote on the Golden Globes, on the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my favorite.

[Sam Morril]

This was on Fox News.

[Dave Attell]

I know. Last time I was here, it all got. It got picked up.

[Sam Morril]

They just ran. I was like, wow.

[Dave Attell]

On the New York Post, and then it ended up in London. On. What is that? What's this? The paper in London.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

I know how they are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'll see you later at the unboxing. Go ahead, Greg. Well, something. Something you were doing.

[Dave Attell]

Unboxing. Sounds like when a woman breaks up with you and. Yeah, and then I got picked up in London in, like, the. The Mirror or one of those big tabloids, so. I know, I know. Ellen read it because she's in London. She's in London.

[Mark Normand]

A million views on coming back.

[Dave Attell]

She's coming back.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, great.

[Sam Morril]

Revenge.

[Mark Normand]

Can we get her on? We owe her that much.

[Sam Morril]

I think she might give us less energy than the Rizzler. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. She's coming back to America. You think she's going straight to LA or what?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, well, I think she sold all her houses, so that was like a billion dollars, right? And then she moved to England, and I guess she had like a. A historic farmhouse, and she put on an addition and a cut off, like a river, an ancient river. Like the whole town hated her. Oh, I think she might have been driven out.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Yeah, she's driven out everywhere. That's two places. Two countries, though. I know. Yikes.

[Dave Attell]

She's gonna be staying with the Rizzler when she gets back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You heard the Risk. They live in Staten Island, Queens, New Jersey. I like that guy.

[Dave Attell]

He's got a time.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we live in a car, you know, we're everywhere. Like a jewel.

[Dave Attell]

We live in a Walmart. Kentucky Fried Chicken.

[Mark Normand]

Matty, you know the Rizzler? I don't know him either.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like I'm in the room with people that just don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you just want to cuddle them and everything, or.

[Bartender]

No, I wanted him to drink a Shirley Temple.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's right.

[Bartender]

When he walked in, I was like, who's this small child?

[Dave Attell]

Do you think that's a sexual fantasy? Shirley Temple blinking.

[Sam Morril]

Must be a pedophile. That the Rizzlers like. That's my type. I like. I like round.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh, definitely. He was smooth as an Asian man. What is the. What happened to Shirley Temple? She OD'd, right?

[Maddie Reiner]

No, she became like a.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was.

[Dave Attell]

Now she was an ambassador.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's an ambassador?

[Mark Normand]

I thought she took her own Life.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Who am I thinking of? Judy Garland.

[Sam Morril]

You think of the Rizzler after he does his podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's her name? Shirley Temple had, like, the worst. Like, you know, just, like, bad. Like, with men. Like, they totally stole her money and everything.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. They made her smoke cigarettes to stunt her growth and all that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's always dancing with the help. Yeah, I saw those movies.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Attell]

She was in blackface in one of the movies.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long has this show been going on? Wow, you got on that Ozempic, didn't you, kid? Give us a raise. Give us a Riz for old times sake. Do you still do that?

[Mark Normand]

Did you see the Rizzler out there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now that you're a substitute teacher?

[Sam Morril]

Sean Murphy, everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sean Murphy, comedian. Hard man to follow this.

[Sam Morril]

Do you know who the Rizzler is?

[Sean Murphy]

I do. I just saw him in the bathroom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you're sick.

[Dave Attell]

Which was embarrassing because you were at the short year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you say, hey, kid, I'm the Drizzler. Turned the lights off on me.

[Sean Murphy]

I was.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Call that unboxing? Jesus.

[Dave Attell]

He's a walking glory hole.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

But at that height.

[Dave Attell]

At that height.

[Sam Morril]

What the. Is happening?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

Well, hey.

[Sam Morril]

Well, I guess our resolution's not to be good people, guys.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But that was pretty epic to have the resolution.

[Mark Normand]

That was awesome.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Him?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

He sat on my lap.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He just told her, one day this will be inappropriate. She's, like, never out of the room. What is. Talking about Shirley Temple and black.

[Sean Murphy]

What the.

[Sam Morril]

Is happening?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Good times. She's cute.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Little tar baby.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, brother. Mark, talking to the Rizzler later tonight.

[Mark Normand]

I wouldn't hurt you one bit.

[Sam Morril]

You're a pretty little boy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I got him in full black face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, are we gonna play it or is that.

[Sam Morril]

That was it.

[Mark Normand]

I need to come.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it. Are we supposed to fill in our own lines? What are you talking about, Willis?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no. Is that Benson?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, they even did the hands. That's commitment.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Racism and abuse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is before abortion.

[Matt Rife]

Warm up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Riz would have been all over that.

[Mark Normand]

She's violent. Oh, here comes the Confederate Army.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's ice. This reminds me of my best week ever. Days. Holy.

[Mark Normand]

All right, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a dog whistle. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Trope. Why CBS gets looted right here. Who are these two queens? Oh, sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Sam Morril]

That is crazy. He just took his son here after school. I mean.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he went to school today. I didn't think about that. That's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

The Is happening.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. What a weird day for that kid.

[The Rizzler (Young Comedian)]

Kid?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought he'd be homeschooled in the kitchen.

[Matt Rife]

You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's a big kid.

[Mark Normand]

I got it. He was chunky, for sure. So you got. You going home to Buffalo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Geez.

[Mark Normand]

I'll try to include you.

[Sean Murphy]

I appreciate it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

A couple weeks in January.

[Sam Morril]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Not Christmas.

[Sean Murphy]

Not Christmas. Going to Connecticut.

[Mark Normand]

The lady. Yeah. You're married, right?

[Sean Murphy]

Engaged.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

The wrist.

[Sam Morril]

Me telling the original. The Last Bachelor Standing on this podcast.

[Mark Normand]

He might beat you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the. Where you getting married, bud?

[Sean Murphy]

We don't know yet. Wherever is cheapest.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, the Fat Black Lounge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which club have you decided on?

[Sam Morril]

Bobby Kelly will do a guest set and marry you, too.

[Mark Normand]

Greenwich Comedy Club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Greenwich. You'll bark people show in Stanford, which is pretty good. That's a really good room.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, they're doing all right.

[Dave Attell]

Rough part of town, though, huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's Bridgeport.

[Dave Attell]

Oh, I'm thinking of Bridgeport.

[Sam Morril]

I got chased off stage in Bridgeport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a guaranteed laugh, you know what I'm saying?

[Matt Rife]

Bridgeport's scary.

[Mark Normand]

New Haven's got some rough areas, too.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Remember that old. What was that? The hell?

[Mark Normand]

Jokers.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Jokers.

[Mark Normand]

Jokes. Wild.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. How do you guys know that, really? Just started, right?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

They still have not paid me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, that's. That's true.

[Mark Normand]

True story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

New Haven. You remember from your days at Yale?

[Mark Normand]

New Haven. Guns waiting.

[Dave Attell]

I'm an Eli. No, I did. They told me this is gay to.

[Mark Normand]

Sit like this, but there you go, boy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

On a man's lap. Express. Express yourself. Do what you feel.

[Dave Attell]

I did that Joker's Wild with Sarah Silverman and back when we were Boston comics, and it's that old. Yeah. Goes way back, and. And the club owner, she came in and he goes, hey, you look good. Turn around. Yeah. You sit in the booth to her, he goes, turn around. And she goes, I'm not turning around. And then we did the sets, and he. He didn't talk to her all weekend because she didn't turn around.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Good for her.

[Matt Rife]

Damn.

[Dave Attell]

I spun, like, three times and I got paid.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

Were there bikers there?

[Dave Attell]

I don't remember.

[Mark Normand]

It was a biker bar.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

New Haven's got the pizza.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And that's kind of it.

[Sean Murphy]

It's.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And Yale.

[Sam Morril]

And Mamoons.

[Matt Rife]

The original Mamoons.

[Mark Normand]

Is that New Haven Weird Toads.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The bar toads at Yale. It's not a choice. It's a. You have to.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To go with the Mamones.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Dave Attell]

Toads is where the Stones kicked off one of their tours. No, it's a little rock club.

[Mark Normand]

Pull up, Toads. I want to see this joint. Yeah, Connecticut's.

[Matt Rife]

It's Dicey, man.

[Mark Normand]

Done. What is that? Manchester. The heart for Funny Bone.

[Sam Morril]

That's.

[Mark Normand]

I died there a few times.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, me, too.

[Sam Morril]

I got buried by a sound effects guy. All weekend, he was like, hit the music. His whole thing was like. It would be like, in the air tonight. They would play it, and he would just act out being high in the grocery store to that song, and it made no sense. Yeah, but it fucking murdered murder. Like, he was.

[Dave Attell]

He would.

[Sam Morril]

He would be, like, going through, like, looking for stuff, and then he would just go, boo, doom bo, doom, budoom, budoom. And it would fucking annihilate. And first night, I was like, all right, one more time for that guy. But by show five, I was like, it doesn't make sense. What he's doing doesn't make fucking sense.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And the crowd's like, we don't care.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

What's your policy on, like, if you go to a town and there's an opener? I mean, I know, Dave, you always bring your own openers. Not always, but if they do crowd work, do you say anything or you just let them do it?

[Matt Rife]

I mean, I don't give a shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I let them do whatever they want.

[Sam Morril]

To do, but I prefer they do jokes, obviously. But if they. If they have a moment, I don't care.

[Dave Attell]

No, no, not a moment. I'm talking about somebody who, like, crowd work.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I don't like that.

[Mark Normand]

No, that's.

[Dave Attell]

No.

[Mark Normand]

That's no good.

[Dave Attell]

I just said something to somebody recently. They were doing a ton.

[Sean Murphy]

Really?

[Dave Attell]

I kind of felt bad, though. I was like, I shouldn't say anything, but I don't want to. Like, I do some crowd work, and I don't want to be in the back watching every moment of the rack to see who they talk to.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's about watching. That's the part that bothers you. That's hilarious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You should hand the guy at the beginning of the week your rules. Like, a big. Like a plate.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now when I come up, fist bump me. Like, give me a tap on this. And I'll be like, whoa, what happened there?

[Sam Morril]

What's up with that guy?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

And then stand to the side and laugh at everything I say.

[Mark Normand]

How did he take it? Your rules.

[Dave Attell]

You keep assuming it's a he. How do you know it wasn't a. She was fine.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Fine.

[Dave Attell]

She was fine.

[Matt Rife]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

I wouldn't tell a lady what to do. That's. That feels.

[Sam Morril]

Unless she's pregnant.

[Matt Rife]

Then I would.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How come. How come this crowd working? Like, it doesn't seem to. I don't know. I wasn't even gonna say, but, like, people don't want to be talked to so much. Like at the Cellar and all these other city clubs, like.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They get really, like, you know, like, I didn't think this would happen. I'm like, don't you watch Tick Tock? Don't you?

[Sam Morril]

This could be your moment.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know. Well, there's some people who are like, don't talk to me. And so we're like, why aren't you talking to me? Yeah, Those are the worst.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't see those people.

[Sean Murphy]

But it almost doesn't make sense on the road because the rooms are so big. So you're talking about someone's hat, and someone is like, what hat?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sean Murphy]

Even see it.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Arena man. I can see everybody.

[Mark Normand]

Well, Big J will pull a stool out and do the jumbotron crowd work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it.

[Sam Morril]

It's pretty impressive. Ballsy as wow.

[Mark Normand]

But if you got the jumbo. They can all see the fat guy with the face tattoo or whatever. He's talking.

[Sam Morril]

And nothing kills harder than that in room that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's crazy.

[Dave Attell]

Crowd working in arena.

[Sam Morril]

If you can do it.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

If you can pull it off.

[Dave Attell]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Because they're like, how the fuck does he have the balls to do this?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So, yeah, I think. I think the crowd work bubble is bursting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really.

[Mark Normand]

I think it's coming to an end.

[Matt Rife]

It's.

[Sam Morril]

It's. It blew up so big.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

To come back down a little.

[Mark Normand]

A little. And people stop writing jokes. They were just like, I'll just go up and go, what do you do? How long you been together? What porn is this? You know, whatever. Mom and daughter. That was a big one.

[Sam Morril]

To have a black boyfriend.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. That's a big one. Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

And there's just a long pause.

[Sam Morril]

You have nothing. You're just like, he's black.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's all you have.

[Mark Normand]

That's funny. The Rizzler. I miss him.

[Sam Morril]

That was one of those moments. I had a feeling he was gonna come here.

[Mark Normand]

Come on.

[Sam Morril]

Well, he said surprise, and he wouldn't tell us who.

[Mark Normand]

Call it a wet dream. Okay.

[Sean Murphy]

Will the wrestler get in a stand up, do you think, at some point?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely.

[Mark Normand]

It could happen.

[Sam Morril]

Once the public appearance money dries up right over it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stand up into serious drama, hopefully.

[Mark Normand]

Because if he opens up for me doing this shit and it kills. I'm gonna quit.

[Sam Morril]

By the way. You think he's opening for you, you're opening for him.

[Mark Normand]

Rizzler, please. Let me open the Rizzler.

[Sam Morril]

Hands you a lid list. Don't talk about this.

[Mark Normand]

Don't touch your chin.

[Dave Attell]

That's one of those. You have a Sunday night show and they tell you ticket sales are light. And as you're walking in, the Rizzlers 4 o' clock crowd is storming out.

[Mark Normand]

There's thousands.

[Sam Morril]

They all look exactly like him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's too inside. He just keeps talking about how he didn't get in the movie Warfare. You see, I couldn't do the flying thing. You know, I have an issue with that.

[Mark Normand]

You guys unbox.

[Sam Morril]

That's the whole show.

[Mark Normand]

That's the whole show.

[Sam Morril]

Just opens action figures. You're like, this is killer.

[Mark Normand]

See, this is how you know we couldn't be pedophiles. That was a lot of work.

[Sam Morril]

That was tough.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Marvel legends. Get out of here. You don't say.

[Sam Morril]

It almost makes you respect him a little bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Pedos, they gotta put. They gotta go for it.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's awful. I mean, hanging out with kids is. My niece gives nothing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right.

[Sam Morril]

Gives nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All judgment, right?

[Sam Morril]

All judgment. She's 13. It's just a tough instead of bat mitzvah. She gives me nothing. Then she opens my gift and she's like, Uncle Sam. Big hug. The next day, she pretends she doesn't know me again.

[Dave Attell]

I was like, come on, try raising a couple. Good luck with that. Yeah, good luck, Mark. All right, listen, I gotta bounce. I'm meeting my son for dinner right now. We're going to some soup house up on Fifth Avenue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fancy name for a shelter.

[Dave Attell]

And then we're going to see O Mary and take him to the house. People like O Mary. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So anyway, the Rizzler is the new Omer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great seeing you, man.

[Dave Attell]

Great scene. I'll see you guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long in town for?

[Dave Attell]

2 weeks. I'll see you. Okay.

[Mark Normand]

You're gonna do some sets?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, yeah. I'll be at the stand. And the. And the Sellers, please.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Check out Greg. Greg is one of my favorite.

[Mark Normand]

Killer. Killer.

[Dave Attell]

Thank you very much. Great to see you guys. Cleveland.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Pull the band's dates.

[Dave Attell]

Whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How about an invite for your podcast?

[Dave Attell]

Oh, Fitz Dog radio and Sunday papers. Thanks, Dave.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I love Gibbons.

[Matt Rife]

You do it.

[Mark Normand]

Gibbons is the man. Hey, thanks, guys. He'll be in Jersey.

[Dave Attell]

Austin.

[Mark Normand]

Photo.

[Matt Rife]

Just get in?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, get in, dude.

[Maddie Reiner]

Oh, I can't see Mark.

[Mark Normand]

How's my ass, bony?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you, gentlemen.

[Mark Normand]

It's a bony Irish ass.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, so why do you move here?

[Mark Normand]

Hop over here. One Irish room.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Come on, it's hot.

[Sam Morril]

Sean, have a Shirley Temple. That was meant for the Rizzler.

[Mark Normand]

I'd love to.

[Sam Morril]

The good old Rizzler Future.

[Bartender]

Did you want a drink? I'm happy to make you something.

[Mark Normand]

Do you do a mocktail?

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah, I'll take a Mocktail something.

[Mark Normand]

What do you like?

[Sean Murphy]

What are you offering? What do we have?

[Bartender]

Eggnogs. I got ginger beer. I got eggnog. I've got a spirit free whiskey. I think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Spirit free whiskey.

[Sean Murphy]

Everyone seemed excited about that. I'll try that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

He likes the sweets, this guy. Yeah, we get ice cream on the road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't know that you guys toured together.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he opens for Real Up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But when you play Buffalo, you let him headline, don't you? Look who's home.

[Dave Attell]

You guys.

[Sean Murphy]

Ice cream.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How am I Tim Hortons? That's a great town.

[Sam Morril]

Who do you bring out?

[Matt Rife]

Dave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I pretty much have, like, four people now, but Nicole. Amy Shriver. I do.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, she's funny.

[Sam Morril]

All.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All my openers have gone on the headlining, so they're doing great. You know Ian and What's his name? Well, Alex Price, of course.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, Big guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that was one of the best theater shows I did this year, was in Indianapolis.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I couldn't believe it.

[Matt Rife]

Which one?

[Sam Morril]

Which room was it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. Probably the smallest theater in town. I think that's what they call it. Smallest theater in town.

[Mark Normand]

You still using Mackie?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who?

[Mark Normand]

Joe Mackey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I haven't, no. I don't think he ever.

[Mark Normand]

I thought you used Mackie. I don't know why.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think he did. I did, like, one or two gigs with him, but, no, I haven't seen him. He's, like, so mysterious. I haven't seen.

[Mark Normand]

He is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he's definitely one of the best, great jokers.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he really is really funny.

[Sam Morril]

Dave's the best guy to open for. I mean, I was like, he's so damn encouraging, man. Well, I open it for you is the best.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My crowd, like, even though they're old, they. They really get it. Like, they really don't have any kind of, like, filter on them, you know, like.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But as long as it's, you know, like, solid material, they're into it. But, you know, some of the locals, you know, always try and give them, like, a ton of guest spots, you know?

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah, I opened up for you in Buffalo and Raleigh back in the day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah, it was me, you, and Maddie Reiner in Raleigh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's. Well, Maddie. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. She's on snl. She's blown past both of you.

[Sam Morril]

SNL Rider.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah. And then we went out to get food and someone tried to get you to go to their improv show.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No Take stage time away from 12 others.

[Sam Morril]

I remember doing the. The dates with you and Jeff.

[Matt Rife]

Those were fun as hell, man.

[Sam Morril]

When you guys were doing bumping mics and I mean, I remember we ended up. Remember that we did like an all nighter in a casino that night. Oh, yeah, Gambling all night. It was like the most fun night ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That Jeff has been so busy. I don't know if you guys got to see his one man show. I haven't. We want to see his Broadway show, man. Really good.

[Sam Morril]

I heard it's really good.

[Mark Normand]

He was in the. He. The Middle east doing the. The troops.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was doing uso. Yep.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, he's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's doing it.

[Mark Normand]

He's everywhere.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not me. I don't want to go near an airport for the next month if I can.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, do a lot of your gigs. Local coming up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just have Providence and then I have Soul Joel's again.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm looking forward to that one.

[Sam Morril]

I gotta do that one.

[Mark Normand]

It's a good room workout. New stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think it's indoors now.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it is. That's what I'm saying.

[Sam Morril]

It's way better during COVID though. That shit saved us.

[Matt Rife]

Outdoor dome.

[Sam Morril]

Holy shit.

[Mark Normand]

That dome was amazing. Amazing.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Those animals came out. It was like a January 6th crowd. It was incredible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They were great.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, here comes a mock.

[Sean Murphy]

All right.

[Bartender]

What do we got in this bodega cat? Na Whiskey n A.

[Sam Morril]

How close do you think you are?

[Matt Rife]

Another special Dave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think I'm ever doing another one.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, get out of here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I feel like that's was the. The one thing I think you guys will get, which is just the disappointment of, like, I thought I was doing the work, but I'm really not getting anything. Good.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Good.

[Sam Morril]

Like great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It feels like it's always being squeezed down back into the same 25 minutes. So, you know, I don't know what I'm doing, you know, like. And plus, I'm just trying to do these other things now, so. So look, I don't know, but what do you guys think? Three years, four years? How many? Because, you know, let's face it, I'm pretty much half in the grave at this point.

[Mark Normand]

So why you just put it out?

[Dave Attell]

Who cares?

[Mark Normand]

Maybe you don't like it, but we all love it. We.

[Sam Morril]

And dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but what's the point of like. But then you have to tour again. With what? Like, you know.

[Sam Morril]

But you can't help but do new shit constantly. I mean, you're gonna do it anyway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but how much of it is good?

[Sam Morril]

It's fucking good.

[Mark Normand]

We've seen it. It's great.

[Sean Murphy]

I saw you two nights ago. You're a killer.

[Sam Morril]

You're the dude I watch when I'm like, fuck, I suck. I gotta write new shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way, dude. Yeah, I saw your after party after carnival.

[Sam Morril]

I met the lobby, showed up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I couldn't believe the. I couldn't believe the sevens and eights that you've dropped the shortest guy in there.

[Sean Murphy]

Dude.

[Sam Morril]

No, but every time. Your new is so good, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, thanks, Sam.

[Mark Normand]

And you got news. The topical stuff is impressive. You pump it out quick.

[Sam Morril]

I was on the phone with someone last night who was like, david, tell's on the pod. Like, couldn't believe it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, that was the typical stuff.

[Bartender]

You could do a whole hour on the Rizzler if you wanted to.

[Sam Morril]

That's right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You guys have the same body.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it would be really funny if you.

[Sam Morril]

The Rizzler looks like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bring him out on special.

[Sean Murphy]

How old is the Rizzler? Has this been covered?

[Mark Normand]

He's nine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You never ask a gnome his age.

[Sam Morril]

Nine years old. This poor kid works harder than any of us.

[Bartender]

He's.

[Sam Morril]

His tour schedule is probably worse than ours.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I'm telling you, he's like a kid at the apple factory. Slavery.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, is he really into. Is he like, all, like, coast to coast or is he regional?

[Mark Normand]

He's pretty regional, but, yeah, I think so. Oh, he's in movies. Oh, he is. Oh, he's everywhere.

[Sam Morril]

He's blowing up. Up.

[Mark Normand]

I think he's in happy hour, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a great. As they say, get for you guys.

[Mark Normand]

Very good. Get. Yeah, he's a hit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He got him right before he went all religious.

[Mark Normand]

You're not doing a special again, but Bobby Lee's finally doing one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's right.

[Mark Normand]

You see that? After 50 years of stand up.

[Sean Murphy]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

He's doing a special. I don't know what he's gonna do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that really his first one?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He held out till the money was right.

[Mark Normand]

I guess it's gonna be on Hulu.

[Sam Morril]

I think you'll do another one for sure.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

You will?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you know, it would be. Would. I mean, whatever. You guys do your own specials. I assume you're in the same boat, which is just like, at what point does the platform not matter at all? Like, that's probably soon.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good spot to begin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Would you. Would you live stream one? No.

[Mark Normand]

Nah. I don't like the live.

[Matt Rife]

I don't like the pressure of it.

[Sam Morril]

What's the point of doing two shows if you're just gonna.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. You got one on January 6th.

[Sean Murphy]

January 6th. That's right.

[Sam Morril]

That's what comes out.

[Sean Murphy]

Memorable date. Yeah. YouTube. On this guy's YouTube.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yes. That's your last one.

[Sam Morril]

What's the special called?

[Sean Murphy]

Long story.

[Sam Morril]

Not replace us.

[Mark Normand]

It's called Fight. Fight. Fight.

[Sean Murphy]

Good marketing, you know, Long story. Thin. All right.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's a reference to a thin dick joke.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Sean Murphy]

Got a big, thin dick closer.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, Give it away. Don't give it away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And does Mark introduce you or what happens? No, he phones it in.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Yeah. I just put on the channel I had him on here.

[Sean Murphy]

It's big. I'll take it.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Matt Rife]

Well, Sean's killing at the seller, man. He's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's crushing everyone.

[Sam Morril]

Likes Liz doesn't say nice stuff about a lot of comics there, and she says nice stuff about you. The fact that she gave you a date there, that means something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he shot it at the seller.

[Sam Morril]

She doesn't say yes to a lot of people these days.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah, I'm very thankful. Yeah, she's great. The moment she started kind of being nice, nicer to me, I was like, oh, this feels good, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

She turns on me constantly. I have friends who see her just, like, start screaming at me, and they're like, that was awesome. They think it's awesome to just watch someone scream at me. Spot around the corner now.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

She's a tough cookie.

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Whenever I get a where are you? I'm like, oh, I'm in trouble.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She holds that place together.

[Matt Rife]

She's the.

[Mark Normand]

She does.

[Matt Rife]

She's the glue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Without. Without her would be, let's face it, Third world country. Anyway, congrats, buddy, in advance. So what kind of merch are we talking about? What are you gonna be selling out there?

[Sean Murphy]

I do sell condoms on the road. That's my. That's my merch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's your crowd like? Are they also clearly white?

[Sean Murphy]

Yeah, White, thin dicks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I see you might have cornered the ophthalmologist crowd.

[Maddie Reiner]

So since this is our new year's, episode and we didn't prepare for this, but do you guys have any New Year's resolutions?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, actually not.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, what do you got, Dave?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was gonna say not to be in a room where a guy has a boy sit on another man's lap that was still in with a camera.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. No cameras.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Send in a trauma. Trauma.

[Mark Normand]

You missed that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I like that. You fucking set him up for that too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You're like, I have a good idea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have a wish.

[Sam Morril]

And the fact that he agreed, I was like, what the. First off, he's nine. You can't get his consent. Dad first, that kid, he was. You could have done whatever you wanted.

[Mark Normand]

Dude. If I die in a car crash, they're gonna show that photo. Be with a kid on my lap.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think we found the new Corey, if you know what I'm talking about. I got.

[Sam Morril]

I got a peeve. I had a stop and chat with someone the other day and it was 15 degrees. And she was annoyed that I was like, all right, I gotta get out of here. She's like, that's it. And I was like, it's freezing, it's freezing. I was trying to get indoors.

[Mark Normand]

I'm dying out here. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Annoyed by the like stopping. I gave her like a minute and a half. Two minutes.

[Sean Murphy]

Minutes.

[Mark Normand]

How well do you know her?

[Sam Morril]

Not well.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, that's fair. Then she.

[Sam Morril]

I was living. She's like, okay. And I was like, it's cold.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. You're lucky I gave you 15 minute and a half.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Seinfeld episodes.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, guys.

[Sam Morril]

Remember the.

[Mark Normand]

Okay episode 15 degrees, 15 minutes.

[Bartender]

Did you want something to drink?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I'm all right.

[Mark Normand]

What do you got here, sister?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll take a grilled cheese.

[Bartender]

Tomato soup. Could be a drink.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I'm fine. Thank you though.

[Bartender]

Those are Manhattans. Because I realized I accidentally made the old fashions with the na.

[Mark Normand]

Good coat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you bartend? I'm sorry? Do you bartend in other places lately?

[Mark Normand]

Stumble.

[Bartender]

This place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I heard that, like now it's all about fancy non alcoholic, like 50 drinks, you know, but it's really just juices and I get so wedges and stuff.

[Mark Normand]

Kids don't drink anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They don't.

[Sam Morril]

I go out with. I'll go with Todd Barry for a drink sometimes and he'll order a mocktail and it's like a 16 pear juice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So exp. Kids don't drink. I've been trying to get the Rizzler to drink for a year.

[Bartender]

He won't do it still hasn't touched a Shirley Temple.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, we need his face in a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I'm gonna send him a bouquet of Twinkies. Riz, you've done a great job.

[Sam Morril]

You've done it again.

[Bartender]

Kids don't drink, but they do want me to charge their vape, which is infuriate.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, these queefs.

[Sam Morril]

Charge your fucking vape.

[Bartender]

Charge their vape.

[Sam Morril]

I can't take the vape people.

[Matt Rife]

Seriously.

[Bartender]

They come up to me with their vape and they go, you got a charger? And then I give them this face and they go, and can I get a club soda?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, vape apologist.

[Bartender]

Yeah, I'm a vapologist.

[Mark Normand]

Yuck. Grow up, you ninnies.

[Bartender]

I operate the outlet.

[Mark Normand]

All right, here's my peeve. I'm on the flight the other day. Guy's got a giant service dog, like a Rottweiler or something. Big old dog. It's going up and down the aisle, whatever, and it's like poking its head in everyone's lap, you know? And this guy kept doing this, which drove me crazy. Instead of going like, sorry about my dog. Sorry. He would go, you don't mind, do you? You don't mind, do you? I'm like, no, no. You can't tell us how to feel. It's very aggressive. You don't mind, do you? Yeah, you know, you're basically saying, like, I'm telling you how you feel.

[Sam Morril]

He bites off an infant's face. You don't mind, do you?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What kind of dog was it, though?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know dog breeds. I'm not Michael Vick, but.

[Sam Morril]

But a big dog on a plane is annoying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I like any dog on a plane, it just breaks the tension.

[Sam Morril]

But a little dog I like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so tense up there.

[Mark Normand]

A little dog I'll take.

[Sam Morril]

But, cuz, you know, it's that like the service animal, it's like a.

[Mark Normand]

You know, it's a work.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a Chihuahua. You're like, it's not a service animal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you guys know Jizzle. Nick's joke, right? About the support dog on the flight? That's a great joke.

[Sam Morril]

It's a good joke.

[Mark Normand]

Give it to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I'll butcher it. But do you know what, Sam?

[Matt Rife]

I don't know. A verbatim. I know the joke you're talking.

[Sam Morril]

It was in the last special. I like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's definitely in the trailer, so it's okay.

[Mark Normand]

I saw the special. I can't remember Hold. I got. I got a couple more, but I'm wearing this monkey suit. Hold on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you got under there?

[Mark Normand]

Just the Rizzler's pajamas.

[Sam Morril]

The Rizzler really was the gift that kept on giving.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought we were all very.

[Mark Normand]

Hold on. I got it written down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right off the top of your head.

[Mark Normand]

All right, how about this guy? You go, you're out drinking. And I go, I gotta go. I got a flight in the morning. It's like 2am I better go. And they go, what time's your flight? And I go, it's like 10:30. And they go, that's not bad.

[Sam Morril]

Is this about me?

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Sam Morril]

You're just doing peeves about me to my face.

[Mark Normand]

10:30.

[Sam Morril]

I did this to you last week.

[Mark Normand]

Well, here's my point. 10:30 is bad.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Bed.

[Mark Normand]

Because you got to be there at 9:30. You got to wake up at 8:30. 8:30 sucks when you're going to bed at 3.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So they go, oh, that's not bad. Like, you. You're acting like, I have to be there at 10:30 now. You're right. That's all I hate, though.

[Sam Morril]

I just liked hanging out with you.

[Mark Normand]

That wasn't about you.

[Sam Morril]

I was having fun.

[Mark Normand]

That wasn't about you. That flight was lost. Oh, yeah. All right, I got another one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stay up the whole night. I always get the first flight out. Just stay up the whole night.

[Mark Normand]

I can't do that.

[Matt Rife]

How.

[Sam Morril]

What is your sleep schedule? Everyone always asks me what your sleeping schedule is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't care.

[Sam Morril]

What is it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But no, like, on the road, like, stay up the whole night and then fly out. And then, like, when I land, I'm like, am I too tired to drive? And it's like, yeah, but. Yeah, it kind of ruins the whole next day. But I'm always totally afraid we're gonna miss the flight.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's gonna be a problem at the airport, which is really weird. It's like, get there early. Like, there's a problem at the airport. Like, I don't know how to fly a plane nor fix one. So why am I there? Like, why was I alerted?

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bring your tools.

[Mark Normand]

Now can you sleep on the plane?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I used to do that. I don't do it anymore.

[Mark Normand]

Damn, that's a cool.

[Sam Morril]

Dave would pull an all nighter on the Bert tour. You would just stay up all night in the bus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, you know. Well, that was the weird thing about that tour, which is that it is a party bus. But, like, I felt really uncomfortable smoking on the bus. And then. Then the bus driver, who is a super fan, had a heart attack. Now, I'm not connecting the two, but he was the one guy who said you could smoke up here.

[Sam Morril]

The driver was the Rizzler, and he.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did have that kind of quality. Yeah, but. Yeah, no, I always, like, I'm afraid I'm gonna miss the flight. But that's good. You get. Get some winks in before you get home.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you try. How about this? There's another peeve. I don't know if you got any. Am I stepping.

[Sean Murphy]

I might have some, but you.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, okay. This guy who won't answer any questions, but he tries to seem cool. You're like, holy, you got us free pizza. How'd you do that? And he goes, oh, that guy. Or he goes like, I'll tell you, but I have to kill you. Shut up. I'm just asking about the pizza, you know? Hey, how'd you get us free parking? This is awesome. Hey, I. I work in mysterious ways or whatever. Some answer. You're like, well, just tell me the answer. Stop trying to give me these limericks. Hey, I'm. I know a guy or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's like, under sharing.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. But he's trying to seem cool.

[Sam Morril]

That's annoying as hell.

[Mark Normand]

I used to know a guy who would wink. I hated the wink guy. You go, hey, where'd you get this Ferrari? That's not an answer.

[Sam Morril]

I used to know a guy who would let kids sit in his lap on podcasts. It was awful.

[Mark Normand]

That's appalling.

[Sam Morril]

What do you got, Sean?

[Sean Murphy]

I think if you're out to eat and you get your food first, you should be able to eat.

[Mark Normand]

No shame. What is it Subway takes? That's not a peeve.

[Sean Murphy]

That's a peeve. If you get shame for it, you eat it. People give you shame for it. I.

[Sam Morril]

You should be allowed to eat hot food, no question.

[Sean Murphy]

Hot food, no question. But even cold food. Like, what do I get if you're waiting on me?

[Mark Normand]

You know? And if it was the reverse, it was worse. You would be like, go for it.

[Sean Murphy]

I get nothing for you waiting.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting. Yeah, I guess you're right. There's a Curb episode about this.

[Sean Murphy]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Larry gets his food first, and he's like, do you mind? He goes, yeah, of course. You gotta wait for me. He's like, what's the difference?

[Sean Murphy]

And they fight.

[Sam Morril]

Was it cold food or hot food?

[Mark Normand]

It was a sandwich. That was part of the argument. Argument. But, yeah, I get that people get really Weird about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you have any ones that really happened to you yesterday?

[Mark Normand]

I swear.

[Sean Murphy]

What about.

[Sam Morril]

My other peeve is I tripped Shaq at a Laker game one time. Really? It was bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Other than the other, I let a.

[Mark Normand]

Black guy live with me.

[Sean Murphy]

What about. We've talked about. I think you should be able to get into hotels early here.

[Mark Normand]

We'll get back to 4. Now it's at 4pm yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So how many hours are you really in the hotel? That's the thing. Like 11.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Not to mention for us, we check.

[Matt Rife]

In, then we just.

[Sam Morril]

We're out.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You're just sleeping there.

[Matt Rife]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sleep. Do you go right to sleep when you check in a hotel? No, I have to like, walk around for like two hours or something like that.

[Mark Normand]

I'm a walker as well.

[Sam Morril]

You sleep when you. When you check in during the day?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, like right before the show. Trying to get a couple. A couple of hours. But it's really like, when you check in, it's like. Like, I got to go buy cigarettes. Where's. Where can I get coffee around here? You know, what are you.

[Mark Normand]

What are you up to?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Looking for my dad. I'm like, look, it's like, I just want to. It's always in a place where it's like, so unwalkable.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, is there a coffee place?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You see that highway? Then there's like. Then there's like an alley, and then through that there's like a. Like a really bad coffee place.

[Matt Rife]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

Because you're in downtown Albany. It's always the saddest, weirdest place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're going to say Buffalo, but go ahead.

[Sam Morril]

There's a trans barista. You're getting a good cup, though.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Every.

[Sam Morril]

Every downtown's got a trans barista. You're like, this is a good place right here.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, trans. Somebody has a great bit. Like trans make the best coffee and racists make the best barbecue.

[Matt Rife]

Interesting.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I never heard that.

[Mark Normand]

Whose bit that was?

[Sam Morril]

Damn Larry David, probably. We're ripping them off this episode.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

More peeves.

[Mark Normand]

We gotta get him on here.

[Sam Morril]

What's your favorite city to go to, Dave?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I guess the best ones for me are D.C. and San Francisco and. I don't know, there's like a couple of really, really good ones. But it's. It's like, I don't like going back unless I got at least like a new 15, 20 minutes, you know, I feel really. But you know, the people booking the shows, like, yeah, no, you. You know, I'm like, yeah, but I don't have anything really new.

[Sam Morril]

So you're the most prolific comic, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I don't think. I definitely don't think that's true.

[Sam Morril]

I think you're the most.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I put you two at the top. I always say, you guys are the machines.

[Mark Normand]

You and List, I'd say, are pumping it out.

[Sam Morril]

You pump it out, dude.

[Mark Normand]

I'm trying, but my jokes are so short. You got some stories in there.

[Matt Rife]

I have to. I have to throw some.

[Sam Morril]

If I'm doing an hour, I have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To throw in stories.

[Matt Rife]

I can't do fucking.

[Sam Morril]

I like the short jokes. I have to do a few of those. But, like, an hour. I need some longer bits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, when I was in Spokane, Stanhope and Andy were there. You know, like, they were doing the early show, and I had the late show. I was one thing like that. And, like, I had seen Doug live in a long time, and it's amazing. He comes out. He does about 20 minutes. They were talking about going to the Ukraine, and then andy does, like, 25, 30 minutes. Then Doug comes back out for an hour, and then at the end, they both do it. So I was like, man, that's a lot of show.

[Sean Murphy]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And his crowd's way younger than mine, so really, you know, people got to worry. But I was like, man, he really brought it. I was, like, really impressed. Then I'm up there with a recorder. There was two guys who could juggle. I said, can you juggle past me? Like, it was just like, all this. Like, it was. It was hack city. But I kept going to, Doug, is this hack?

[Sam Morril]

Dude? That was the most fun night.

[Matt Rife]

When Stanhope came to hang it.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry. It's been a long day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait for the Riz. Would that be great if he cried? I just had to unbox that.

[Sam Morril]

When Stanhope came to the cellar, we just hung till. That was, like, the best night ever, man.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that was awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was, like.

[Sam Morril]

It was like a year ago. I was so fun.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that was a while ago.

[Sam Morril]

Doug is the fucking man.

[Mark Normand]

Was during the California fires. I remember.

[Matt Rife]

That's right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're rising mind.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry. Trademark.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You stole his essence.

[Mark Normand]

I'm the jizzler.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You stole his.

[Sean Murphy]

Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

I'm sorry.

[Matt Rife]

There.

[Bartender]

You want another Cometini?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now that the children are asleep, the party starts.

[Sean Murphy]

Hold on.

[Mark Normand]

I wanted to say something. You said something about Stanhope before. That Ukraine. And Spokane was right before Spokane again.

[Sean Murphy]

Dave being prolific.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that.

[Mark Normand]

It wasn't about Dave. It was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I. I Feel like every, every joke I have right now, it's like it's only a matter of time till it either stops working or I. I hate saying it, right. So there's like, there's that like window, whatever is that five week window maybe, Something like that.

[Sean Murphy]

That's what I'm saying. Put it out.

[Mark Normand]

Put a clip.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just don't have enough material to tour on right now. So once I have that, then it would be like, yeah, what are you gonna do?

[Mark Normand]

But I'm saying if it's a joke that's about to go out of the ether, the zeitgeist, throw it up real quick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'll call it my partner, Dick Van Dyke. Get out there.

[Mark Normand]

Jeez. How about Andy Dick?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly.

[Mark Normand]

You hear about him?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, if he got found on Hollywood Boulevard, like slumped over. He was on crack. Yeah, he's having a tough go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Dark.

[Maddie Reiner]

Type Andy Dick. And it came up Andy Dick. N word.

[Mark Normand]

Oh geez. What is he doing? Kramer's act. Holy hell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I blame the boulevard. That place is just filthy. It is disgusting.

[Matt Rife]

He's been on drugs a long time.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Remember his son used to be on.

[Matt Rife]

Comic Strip Late night.

[Sam Morril]

It was like all the, all the like the Nepo Connection cutting in front of us on late night. It would be like Lucas, Dick, Jordan, Rock. Like everyone just cut in front of us. Can we get on the fucking show?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. There he is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's just, you know, I. If you've ever seen him when he's at the top of a game, he's super funny and like him, no question. I'm just going to say that cuz people love to dump on him and everything.

[Mark Normand]

But no, he was great on news radio.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He is like. He. He's electric. I mean like when you see him on camera and everything, he steals. He steals the scene.

[Mark Normand]

So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but like. Yeah, that's, but that Hollywood Boulevard is disgusting.

[Mark Normand]

And honestly, where dreams go to die. Over there just at the store again.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

How was it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, thank you guys.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well now, does this keep going till New Year's? Is that.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, no. Benefit Dave plug some.

[Matt Rife]

Let's pull up Dave's tour dates.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you don't have to do that. I got soul. Joel's coming up in January.

[Sam Morril]

What is it? What is it? Oh, Sam's threesome Tracker. Sam has 365. Yeah, because I. Mark had a threesome and I. I admitted I haven't so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, let's hope it's not cold out so you won't. I was Listening.

[Sam Morril]

The Rizzler and his dad. It's gonna happen. Let's make it happen, guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have a. A year left.

[Sam Morril]

This is hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

You're gonna get some DMs.

[Sam Morril]

Who did this? Who did this?

[Mark Normand]

Peters, you made this.

[Sam Morril]

AI. All right. I was gonna say you're a good Sam's threesome track.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Matt Rife]

I hope.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Go see Dave on the road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at this.

[Sam Morril]

Soul Joel's. You can see in Pennsylvania. Pottstown, Pennsylvania. Stand up live in Phoenix.

[Matt Rife]

Great club. That's in February.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

February's busy for me.

[Sam Morril]

The Bray Improv. February 17th through 19th.

[Mark Normand]

You're at Cobbs every week.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, oh, oh, no. Just the 17th year at Brea. Then you're at Cobbs the 19th through the 21st or 22nd.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

You're there a lot.

[Matt Rife]

A long time. Yep.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's where I shot my special.

[Sam Morril]

So, yeah, that special's on Netflix.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is just magical for comedy, so.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, that's special.

[Mark Normand]

Check it out.

[Sam Morril]

Go check it out on Netflix.

[Maddie Reiner]

And Addison Improv in March.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Zany's good.

[Mark Normand]

Clubs.

[Matt Rife]

And then I'm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then I die.

[Sam Morril]

Dave said this every hour that he's done, but he. And then he puts out the best hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm not doing it.

[Mark Normand]

Come on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you guys. You guys just set the board too high.

[Sam Morril]

Now, that's not true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're. You're ready for a new one, right?

[Matt Rife]

Feb. I'm taping late February.

[Mark Normand]

I got one coming out March.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So how many is this now?

[Sean Murphy]

Six.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Watch out, Carlin.

[Sam Morril]

You and Quinn are the reason we were like, we got to write a lot. It's because of you and Colin and Lou and Louie and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here we go.

[Sean Murphy]

Sean Murphy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like a fun GoFundMe or something. I'm an adult. Special needs, but I'm still a man. I'm getting married.

[Mark Normand]

You got als.

[Sam Morril]

Your tour dates look like a ransom note.

[Mark Normand]

I know. Looks like a chat. GBT printout.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't let my crones hold me back.

[Sam Morril]

Go see. Well, first off, watch the special.

[Dave Attell]

Special.

[Sean Murphy]

Big one special. January 6th on Mark Norman's YouTube page. Watch that.

[Mark Normand]

Long story thin.

[Sean Murphy]

I'm out there, baby. I'm in the. I'm in the streets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have you heard of a comma? You acted like they're clicking away. No, wait, wait. January 12th.

[Sam Morril]

I'll be a good bit, buddy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Believe in your font. Change your font, then your haircut.

[Sean Murphy]

I gotta work out my way. Website.

[Sam Morril]

Sean's a very funny guy. Support the special. His shit's really Tight. Really funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Support this brackets around opening for Mark Nor.

[Mark Normand]

I'll give you some more dates just so we can fatten this up a bit. Oh, wow. All right, well, yeah, go see the murf dog and I'll be at.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See, look at that. Professional punch up, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Nice. I'm back in the clubs, baby. Des Moines.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Brea right before Dave. Thank God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many days in Brea? Look at you on my birthday.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no big 78. I'm in Raw Bend, Oregon. Rond, Oregon. Grand Ron. Some casino, New Brunswick. Going to see the stress Factory. San Antonio, Tulsa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And what are you playing in San Antonio?

[Sam Morril]

Lol.

[Mark Normand]

Comedy club.

[Sam Morril]

It's good.

[Mark Normand]

I like big room.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like it. But the ceiling isn't high enough. Room.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but. Yeah, I got it. I'm work. I'm tightening the screws here for this Omaha funny bone. One of my favorites. January 8th through 10th. Love you, Colleen. I got the DC improv. Never played it.

[Matt Rife]

January 16th through 18th.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never.

[Sam Morril]

Never played it. Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Add a knight at Zany's there. Gonna tighten it there. And then we got. We got Stanford, Connecticut and the Providence Comedy Connection the following weekend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That'll be up.

[Sam Morril]

Tampa Theater, February 27th. Gonna add the 26th as well. So that should be on sale now. I guess so. That's the special hope I see in Tampa, guys. Love you. Love you, Florida. Happy New Year. We love you guys. And buy some bodega.

[Mark Normand]

Buy some bodega, cat. Thank you, Maddie.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you, Maddie.

[Mark Normand]

It didn't work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, misfire.

[Mark Normand]

Usually you got one each. Ah. Hey, that thing is loud.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, my ass. I can't get anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let me pull out my gun.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. It's like me in the Riz. I couldn't get it off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great.

[Sam Morril]

Up watch this guy's special. See Dave on the road special, everybody. And we love you guys. Happy New Year.

[Mark Normand]

Happy New Year.

[Unknown/Background Voice]

Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of piva wreck. You know, the beer Jew's close. I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like the cops coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way we might be true.

[Sam Morril]

And Doug here we have the limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating.

[Mark Normand]

It's accompanied by his natural ally.

[Sam Morril]

Doug.

[Dave Attell]

Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

[Sam Morril]

Cut the camera.

[Mark Normand]

They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[Dave Attell]

Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Ferry Unwritten by.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates Excludes Massachusetts.