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We Need To Talk with Paul C. Brunson
I Had £60 Left When I Met The Love Of My Life: We’re Talking Love Stories
00:21:51
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- [00:01]
A
Girl, winter is so last season. And now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders that perfect hang on the patio sundress. Those sandals you can wear all day and all night. And you've had enough of shopping from your couch. Done. Hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope. It's time for a little in person spring treat. It's time for a trip to Ross. Work your magic.
- [00:31]
B
Welcome to We're Talking. In this episode, Lorna Lux shares the deeply personal story of her relationship with her late husband, John. From a chance meeting on a night out to a love that felt certain from the very beginning. Can we talk about John?
- [00:59]
C
Yeah.
- [00:59]
B
Cause there's so many. I mean, let's talk about how you met John, because I saw a video with John describing how he met.
- [01:08]
C
Really?
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B
Yes.
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C
I must have seen this video.
- [01:10]
B
Yes. Well, technically you were in the.
- [01:12]
C
Was I in it?
- [01:13]
B
Yeah, yeah, you were in the video. But meeting John, what was that moment when you met him? Cause you were still at Virgin.
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C
I was still at Virgin.
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B
Okay.
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C
And I'd done a fortnite Antigua. And I really liked the crew on that trip. And I remember there was a guy on the crew who was quite. He'd been there quite a long time. He was a bit older, and he was like, oh, I'll set you up with one of my mates. Like, you're gonna be fine. You don't need to date that sports guy. He was a cricketer and this guy loved cricket, okay. And so when I told him I'd split up with this guy, he was like, oh, well, he was rubbish at cricket anyway, so you're better off without him. And I thought, I like you. You're a good guy. And so that Saturday, that weekend when we got back from Antigua, me and a couple of the girls on that flight decided to go out in Brighton. And we went into a bar and I spotted the guy that was on the flight. Not planned. He just happened to be there as well.
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B
Okay.
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C
And he was with John. That was his friend. And the story, as John says, is that he saw me walk in the bar and he was like, I couldn't, like, take my eyes off you. And so I said to my. My mate said he knew he knew me. And so he said to Steve, can you introduce me to that girl? And so he said, yeah, go on. We'll go and attract them. And I couldn't understand why this guy was Just talking at me. And he was going through a divorce. He was talking sort of trauma dumping and, like, really, like, offloading. I was like, oh, my God. But very sweet. And then we went to a nightclub, and they kind of hung on. We were like, we're gonna go to the club now. And they were like, okay, we'll come. And I remember having about 60 quid left in my bank account. And I said to John and the other guys, I was like, oh, can I get you a drink? And I don't think John heard what I said. So I just went and got them drinks. And then when I brought the drinks back, it was like 40 quid. So I was like, I've only got 20 quid left now for the rest till Monday. And I remember him saying, oh, you didn't have to buy me a drink. And I was like, oh, no, I wanted to. And I think he was really touched by that. And so he said, can I have your number? And I was like, no, but I'll have yours. And then that very night, when I got in, I texted him and just said, it was lovely to meet you. And that was kind of how we met.
- [03:21]
B
Look at that. Look at that. And then what happened next? Cause I think that's the part in everyone's romance story that we want to hear. Cause that was beautiful.
- [03:29]
C
Yeah, that was cute.
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B
That was cute. That was cute. That was cute. But then what happened next? Yeah, how does the relationship actually form?
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C
So he was quick on the texts.
- [03:39]
B
Okay.
- [03:40]
C
And so once he had my number, he asked me out on a date. He gave me options, which I now realize is a very John thing to do. It's not because he's not confident. He's just, you know, these. These are your options. So the. The text message was so long. It was like an essay.
- [03:55]
B
Okay.
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C
And I remember just replying back, Brown's 7pm and that was it kind of.
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B
Ah, so he gave you options, different restaurants.
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C
Yeah. And I was being cool and like, whatever. And I liked that he was. And I remember I arrived early, but he'd already been there an hour waiting. And he'd got a bottle of wine, not a glass. And I liked that. I was like, this guy's confident, and he's older. He's 21 years older. So he had an innate confidence about him that I just really was attracted to. And he was very kind. I mean, that's the takeaway from anyone that meets John. He's just genuinely kind. And we just got into this rhythm of dating. And every date we would always go back to his place for a nightcap and I would never stay over. But when I left, there would always be a gift. He'd always gone to somewhere. Like he went to space nk or he went to, you know, Loxitan or wherever. And he'd always get me some kind of beauty or skincare goodies in a little bag.
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B
Wow.
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C
And this went on for weeks. And also the cab back to his was 8 quid from Kemptown to hove.
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B
Oh my goodness.
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C
But he always gave me 20 pound note when I got in the cab. And at first I just thought, oh yeah, I'm just dating this older guy. Like it's a bit of fun, like kind of thing. I'm not really, you know, it's not gonna go anywhere. But then slowly I really started to like him. And I was like, well, actually I do quite like this guy. And this was obviously fresh off the back of me splitting up with my ex boyfriend. So I was looking for somewhere new to live and he was going through a divorce, so he was looking for somewhere to live. And so I would go house hunting with him. And he was looking at these extravagant, beautiful places. And then he'd come with me looking for these rentals that were like, really bad. And then one day he just said, why don't we just buy together and I'll get.
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B
Now how long had you been talking?
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C
Three months.
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B
Three months, okay.
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C
And he was like, but I'll get my lawyer to put into writing that you can just, if you want to walk away at any moment, you can just take your money and it's cool, I respect that and any equity that's in the property. And I was like, this is a good deal. And his lawyer as well was a bit like, john, why are you doing this? And so we did. So then that was it. So I remember I expressly told him that when I'd bought my old flat with my ex boyfriend, that that was my dream road. I loved that road. And I was gutted that I was having to move out and move somewhere else. So he found a really beautiful apartment on this road and he took me to see it. And I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. And he was like, good, cause I've just made an offer. Should we buy it? And so he kind of bought my dream home.
- [06:31]
B
Wow.
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C
He wasn't playing games, I'd say.
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B
He was not playing. He was like, fellas, take notes. He was not playing.
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C
He wasn't. And he always says, like, I knew from the day I met you that you were it for me that I was never letting this one go. And he was just so determined.
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B
Yeah.
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C
Which I really respect and admire, but for, I think a lot of people, until my mum met him, she was worried. Like, she's listening to these stories down the phone. She's up in Manchester and she's like, who's this guy? I need to meet him. And then when she met him, she understood.
- [07:06]
B
Sure. But you know, how. So it's interesting because I can empathize and sympathize with how John moved. Yeah. Because I didn't have those resources, but that's how I moved with my wife.
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C
Yeah.
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B
Very intentional. Not playing around. I want to express how serious I am. And I felt like I was in love day one.
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C
Yeah.
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B
You know, I feel like that's exactly where John was.
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C
Oh, he totally was.
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B
But for a lot of people, they'll enter a relationship with someone who is love bombing them, you know, coming from a nefarious position. So how did you know what he was doing? How did you know that that was authentic, that it wasn't an act?
- [07:51]
C
I didn't give it too much thought. I just really trusted him straight away and felt very safe with him. His brother is epileptic and is a year older than him, but has pretty much lived in an institution or a care home since he's been a kid. And the care that he showed his brother, like, blew my mind. And that empathy he has for his brother, I think has built, has made him into the man he is today. So he's got a naturally caring way about him.
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B
Okay.
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C
And always wanting to do. He'll do anything for anyone. He'll give anyone anything he's got. And I liked that because I really saw that was quite an admirable trait to have. Okay. And it made me feel good to be with someone like that.
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A
Yes.
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C
It was just really quite a nice person.
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B
I like that word that you used. Immediately. I felt safe with him.
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C
Yeah, I did.
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B
Yes.
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C
And he would just protect me from everything. And I felt like this guy's just gonna look after me and this is a solid person.
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B
Yes.
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C
And, you know, we quickly got engaged and quickly got married.
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B
How long?
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C
I think in total, a year and a half from meeting to getting married.
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B
Okay, that is quick.
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C
Yeah, that's quick.
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B
Were there concerns from any friends or family members at all?
- [09:14]
C
No.
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A
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C
No, I think I didn't have massive family and everyone that had met him seemed to really like him. My friends, they were, they were just quite self focused at that period. They were people that had their own lives going on their own issues. Quite dramatic, had quite a dramatic group of friends. So they weren't really bothered. You know, they were looking forward to the party. The wedding was gonna be good. Right. So they liked. And also John was very generous. So, you know, they enjoyed being around John.
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B
Sure.
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C
You know, he'd pay for everyone's dinners and there was always champagne in our fridge. So it was always, you know, we were a good. A solid friendship to have.
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B
Yes.
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C
And yeah, no one really expressed any concern. I think his, his dad a little bit did. And his dad's wife pretty much said to me, you shouldn't do this. You're not thinking this through. She was kind of keen to dissuade me. And I think maybe that came from experience because she was married to his dad and she was the same age gap. Oh, 21 years, I think about that. Yeah. So I think she was trying to say, look, you know, it's great, it's all hunky dory now when you're 25 and he's 46, but wait until, you know, you're 60 and he's 80. There'll be a big difference.
- [11:29]
B
Yes.
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C
And that's what she was in. And I couldn't really understand that. And I still can't, to be honest.
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B
Yeah. You know what's so interesting about that is that there is research to suggest this, something like this. And what the research shows is that where you see a large age gap, so 10 years or more in either direction, what you see is much high satisfaction or higher satisfaction in the early stages of the relationship.
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C
Yeah.
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B
You know, it's not to say that the satisfaction level goes down, but it just goes to show that the satisfaction in the early stages is higher.
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C
Than.
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B
Than. If there's no age gap, I think,
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C
because you're teaching each other things. Right. And he said I made him feel alive and there was excitement. And, you know, I used to take him away on lots of trips. He loved my lifestyle, and he, in turn, made me feel really safe, really cherished and loved and genuinely gave me the breathing space to try and figure out what I want to do in my life. And certainly, obviously, I was battling an eating disorder, but alongside that, I was also growing as a woman and growing in confidence. And, you know, he encouraged all of that.
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B
Yes.
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C
And it wasn't, you can't do this or you can't. He just wanted to help me do whatever I wanted to do.
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B
Yes. Now, you were. So at that time, when you got married, how old were you?
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C
So I was 20. I got married on my 26th birthday. Oh, wow. Okay.
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B
Okay. So you were 26. So he was 47. 47, yeah. All right. 26. 47. Now, at that point, were you online at that point, or.
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C
No, I was on Facebook.
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B
You were on Facebook. So there was no one saying, look, at this age.
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C
No, there was no one.
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B
No one.
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C
No one critical about that relationship.
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B
Okay. And you didn't feel. You felt like it was. It didn't matter because you're with someone who you love.
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C
I had reservations in terms of I'd never. Other than my nana and granddad, I'd never really seen a marriage last. And I remember my bridesmaid saying to me outside the door before we went in, she said to me, well, at the end of the day, if it doesn't work out, you can just get divorced. And I was like, yeah, no, I'm not really worried. And I. In my head, and I've told John this before, that's how I approached it. And I didn't see it as a lifelong commitment the way he did. I saw it as a, well, this'll do for now. And it really suits me, and I really love him, but if that thing's changed, it's fine. And it's only as I've been married longer and longer, I recognize that actually, that was a stupid thing to think. That's interesting, and it doesn't make any sense.
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B
This is so interesting to me because I believe that more and more people view marriage as you viewed it going in, and that is that this thing that we have is disposable, so we can walk into it and we can walk out. Right.
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C
It was like a mortgage. Harder to get out of a mortgage in the way I Looked at it.
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B
Yeah. But then there's other people. It sounds like this is how John thought is John sounds like his thought was this is it.
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C
Yeah, I did.
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B
Now, you mentioned that he had gone through. So he was married previously.
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C
Twice before. Yeah.
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B
Twice before, yeah. So what was so walking into this one, your thought is that he believed this was it. He was not. He was not going to be married again.
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C
I did. He always said to me, I've never been in love before, I promise you that. And I believe him. Or at least the love he experienced with me, he'd never felt before. So I never felt as though it was, you know, for him. He likes wedding cake. You know, it's just another jolly. I really did believe he was committed to me fully. And I liked that feeling.
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B
Yes.
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C
There's something really lovely about having loyalty and that person that's never gonna drop. Drop you, you know, I'm never gonna be chasing after John down the driveway. He's always gonna be there for me and I thought I could see how important that was and that's what I needed.
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B
Yeah. You just mentioned you'll never have to chase him down the driveway like you did your father.
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C
Yeah.
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B
Do you see any connection between your father walking out when you were four and your feeling of comfort with John being 21 years older than you? Do you see any connection?
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C
I actually see more of a connection with John and my granddad.
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B
Okay.
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C
Because my granddad was that saving person that cuddled me when everything was going wrong and I would sit and eat, you know, rubbish food with in the evenings and watch snooker and crap telly. So he was my comfort. And when I met John, I always thought because granddad had died by the time I met John, but I always thought, you're a lot like my granddad. You've got a similar personality.
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B
Yes.
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C
Calm, like, very stoic, very, you know, reliable. And charismatic.
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B
Yes.
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C
You know, he was. He ticked all those boxes for me.
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B
Yes.
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C
And even my mum has said, I can see, you know, those similarities. And so I never. I never put him in the realm of my dad. If anything, my ex boyfriend was reminded me of my dad. There definitely must be daddy issues going on here. But I've always kind of like kept them away from John because I don't want to spoil what you have, what I have. Because we've had it for so long as well. Now I don't want to ever think badly of John or because it won't be him, it'll be me. But I don't want to tarnish what is a really good relationship.
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B
Yeah. I mean, clearly you have love.
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C
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we absolutely love each bit.
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B
You have love. And you know what's even interesting too is that, you know, I think that you could read a lot about someone based on the images that they post online. I truly do. Even though we're all trying to present the best representation of ourselves, I think there's certain things that you could read into someone's profile. And it's interesting because my wife and I, we were going through yours, we did this long stalk of yours and I said, you know, one thing is clear. She loves him.
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C
Yeah, of course.
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B
And he loves her.
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C
Yeah.
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B
And that there is no question.
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C
No, there isn't.
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B
There's no question. But when I think about your story, I think there is a parallel between John and your father. I'll tell you this, is that there's a researcher, her name is Dr. Margo Main.
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C
Okay.
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B
She has a theory called Father Hunger.
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C
Oh, God, I know where this is going.
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B
Have you ever heard of this theory?
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C
I haven't, but just those two words together.
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B
Where do you think I'm going with this?
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C
That craving for the perfect dad.
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B
Right, so it's not the craving for the perfect dad, but it is specifically when a father has abandoned. They're his family. Typically before the age of, what, five, the child craves safety, emotional connection, stability. And when the father leaves and that doesn't happen, they spend the rest of their life in search of that.
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C
Yeah.
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B
And typically they end up meeting someone who's much older.
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C
Oh, God.
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B
10, 15, 21 years. And immediately what they see in that person is different because there's other people that could see someone who's 20 years older and say, oh, look at this icky old man. You know, this perverted old man.
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C
Yeah.
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B
But there's others that quickly see stability, safety.
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C
Yeah.
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B
Structure. And I believe that's what you saw very quickly.
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C
I totally did.
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B
Yeah.
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C
And I loved those things. I mean, obviously I still, like, I fancied him. He was a good looking guy. We had a lot in common.
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B
Yes.
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C
Like, we love the same art, we love the same jokes. Do you know what I mean? We finish each other's sentences. He has his own language that only I can understand. So there's that. But a lot of that's built right over time. But there was an initial moment of, yeah. I felt immediately, this is perfect. This is what I need right now. Because it's not been the best couple of years, but I would do that all over again. Like, that's one relationship that I would, you know what I mean, if I was given lots of different avenues, I would always do the same thing.
- [20:26]
B
Yes. Why not? I mean, it goes to show that when we go through trauma in our lives, that there are. There's a silver lining cloud to it. There's a blessing that could come from it. And the blessing for you was that you've met the love of your life.
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C
Yeah.
- [20:45]
B
You know, who you may not have maybe formed as quick connection with if it wasn't for that trauma.
- [20:52]
C
True.
- [20:54]
B
And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out with on the we need to Talk page. Drop a like leave a comment and hit subscribe. See you next week.
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A
Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho. Look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you. And hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling, Ross. Work your magic.
- [21:35]
B
You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your summer@columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia. Engineered for whatever.