← We Need To Talk with Paul C. Brunson
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- [00:00]
Jo Frost
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Paul
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Jo Frost
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- [00:30]
Paul
Welcome to we're talking. In this episode, Joe Frost, known to millions as super nanny, joins us for a powerful conversation about modern parenting, discipline, screen time, and the conversations every family needs to have. This week we're talking parenting. We reached out to our community, let them know that you were going to be here, and many questions were sent in.
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Jo Frost
Oh, really? You did that?
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Paul
So can we go through some questions?
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Jo Frost
Absolutely.
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Paul
All right, so now I want to ask you if you know what this
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Jo Frost
is right here, your suggestion box for the kids.
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Paul
All right, for the kids. This is your idea. So if you can to tell everyone what's the importance of suggestion box.
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Jo Frost
So it gets used in, in different ways, but predominantly it was to bring, to bring children to a place that felt it difficult to articulate emotionally what they needed from their families.
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Paul
Okay.
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Jo Frost
An opportunity to write that down.
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Paul
I see. So, so what, what we've done is somewhat of that. What we've done is these are not suggestions but questions.
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Jo Frost
Okay.
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Paul
But they have all gone into the box. First question is, what's your advice on navigating screen time with children?
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Jo Frost
I know that we have to hold a standard and hopefully as we speak, laws that change that so that we hold big tech and companies responsible. But I wanna say this, and I think it's gonna be discomfort for a lot of families. Parents have gotta take ownership of that. They have to. Meaning we can't just say, oh, well, our child's using the screen. You know, that's what they do. Now, Paul, I'm watching six month old babies holding phones.
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Paul
Yeah. Restaurants all the time. You see it all the time.
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Jo Frost
I would encourage and suggest strongly to so many parents to understand that when you ch to put a phone in your 6 month, 9 month, 2 year old's hands, what you are doing is prohibiting their development. You are. And that's not to take away the fact that parents need a break. But what do you think parents were doing before 2010? It's okay for children to cry. It's okay for children to be unhappy. It's okay for children to. To behave the way they do their children. You know, I strongly want to encourage parents to recognize that a lot of damage is being done. You know, so how are we going to look at how we limit screen time? Right. With algorithms and safety safeguarding and also recognizing that these shows are made differently. Right. They. They design differently. Flick, flick, flick, flick, flick. Like Vegas. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Right. And how are we going to look as a family when they're appropriate to use, how long we use them for and the dialogue that we're going to have before we give consent for our children to have them? And most parents will say to me, I don't want my kids to get left out. I'm worried about my children being left out. You know, and that cannot be. There cannot be the excuse of why then we throw our children into rooms we would never, if they were just out on the street, because we're leaving our children under protected. And yet in the real life, we're being overprotective. Like, trust me, my kids wouldn't have had any social media until they're at least 17. I won't do it. How can somebody clearly distinguish whether this child has ADHD due to the fact that it may be genetic or environmental factors? Because they show up very similar. Yes, they show up very similar. And. And that's the point that I'm trying to make. And I'm old enough, and I've been in this industry long enough, this parental game, and I've seen it come around twice. I've seen. This is the second time I've seen it come around now.
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Paul
Goodness.
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Jo Frost
Where we had, you know, where we had parenting that was very strict and then very lenient and soft and then coming strict and now soft again. You know, timeouts were demonized. You know, I modified the 1900s timeout.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
You know, nothing like that. But again, blanket social media, as if timeouts were demonized.
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Paul
And your modification on the timeout is at the step.
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Jo Frost
Yeah.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
Or a space.
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Paul
Or a space.
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Jo Frost
You know, at the time when you saw Super Nan, it was put on a step. Right. It was a step or a mat. Or it could be. If you were in a living room, it might have just been that chair, you know, to reset. But again, the blanket message went out there as, oh, it's abandoning. That's not abandonment. Being in the same room and three feet away, there's a space there for a child to sit there, and you're here. That's not abandonment. You know, I think we've got to a point where we've really Got to be careful about the language that we're using.
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Paul
Oh, yeah, it's extreme, you know, so in disclosure for myself and my wife, we used timeouts. Or should I say we used. We have a 15 year old now, no more timeouts. But we used them profusely. We used them and found them to be very effective because you were emotionally
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Jo Frost
intelligent with your children too. And you see, if you are a parent who is not yin and yang. Right. So my methods, you know, call it the Frost method. Right.
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Paul
Okay.
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Jo Frost
The Frost method is to be able to emotionally connect with your child, but to be grounded in your communication so that you can instill healthy boundaries, to reset the circumstance at the time. You cannot keep thinking to yourself, oh, I'm gonna do a timeout. I'm gonna keep doing a timeout to control the child, to get them to do something. A timeout will not teach a child how to use a knife and fork properly, practice, work. So, yes.
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Paul
What are the steps to an effective timeout?
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Jo Frost
The steps to an effective timeout is to recognize first and foremost your values, your family values. Understanding what's a deal breaker for you. So know your values first. What's acceptable, what isn't okay. As parents, raising your children. And teach your children the importance of connecting in understanding what it looks like to be kind to another human being, what it looks like to have manners and etiquette and sit at a table, to be considerate of friends when they come around to play. Connect with your kid first. With your child first. Teach them. And then when you see the behavior that's been crossed, the rule that's been broken, because boundaries are about us. Right. You uphold your boundary, and upholding that boundary may look like this is unacceptable. This is not okay. And at this moment, you know, we're going to be doing a timeout. So I always teach families to give a child a warning first. Right. Because it allows a child to make a decision. Now, some parents will say, and some experts will argue, well, they, they don't really know. They don't know how to make that decision. But I think we underestimate children greatly because I know children that exactly know how to get what they want because they've been taught by their parents. Yes. Right.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
And they're young.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
And they're young.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
Right. And then, oh, my child, they, they just can't sit down for five minutes. Have you ever watched a child sit down five minutes for a chocolate? Lol.
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Paul
All the time. All the time.
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Jo Frost
You know, like, we underestimate children. So the Steps are a warning. Calmly, right at eye level. And we let go. We let go of that. We've said to them, we don't want you climb on, you know, on the tops of the counters of the kitchen. It's dangerous. You need to get down. You need to stop doing that. Okay, that's enough.
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Paul
And Joe, why is eye level important?
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Jo Frost
Because I believe the body language speaks of more so than sometimes what we're saying. So I want alignment. I want what you say to align with how your body is. So the importance of body language and the integrity of your word must be in alignment. What I want children to feel is the sense of calm authority, because we're there to guide our children.
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Paul
Okay. Okay.
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Jo Frost
You know, I want them to sense that, like, oh, you know, mommy said I can't do that.
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Paul
Okay.
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Jo Frost
You know, in the same way. Well, she said I could do that. The integrity of your word, just on
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Paul
that note, too, is because you talked about the importance of your child always feeling safe in your presence. Something that. I'm hoping that this goes away as quickly as possible, but it still seems that it exists in many places of the world. Is spankings, beatings, slapping, et cetera?
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Jo Frost
Yes, I'd like it to be banned. It is banned in other countries, Scotland and Wales and other places in the world. I would like the UK to ban spanking, smacking children. They may be 18 months, two years. They are a whole human being. If we did that to another adult, there would be severe consequences for doing so. And so why are we in a space where we're even having a discussion about a parent who has the privilege to raise another human in this world to hit. To hit them? That's about compliance and control. We already know. We know the evidence out there. We've got the science out there. We know enough of the damage that that can cause in the relationship. I would love to see that law changed in Parliament.
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Paul
Okay.
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Jo Frost
And I do know that there. I do note that there has been an action last year with respects to that coming up in. In the Houses of Commons and in Parliament about banning that. And I would like to see that continue.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
You know, so we get to a place of that.
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Paul
I'm right with you. I'm right with you. All right, next question is, what do you say to the people who question you giving parenting advice when you do not have children?
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Jo Frost
I don't. Well, does a doctor need to have cancer to treat cancer? You know, again, it's very. It's a very sort of egotistical standpoint that you have to give birth to a child to be able to have any say in what is good for another human being and how they are raised. You know, what does that say for those that adopt children in the world? For those that have, you know, haven't biologically given birth? You know, what. What does it say about those. Those parents? Yes. So, you know, again, they're entitled to their opinion, but I. I see it more as defense. You know, I see it more as sort of talking and becoming a mirror. And then people are just sort of intellectually lazy in find in a negative response to that. Right. Yes.
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Paul
I think we have two more. That's it. Okay. Oh, this is a great one. What is the difference between discipline in the UK versus the US So a lot of people will say, paul, why are you in the uk? Like, you know, I always get this. Why are you in the uk? Where we lived in the United States, we did not know if our child would come back home alive. Like, there was an open question mark. If they were to go out, would they be able to come back? Right.
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Jo Frost
Absolutely.
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Paul
Specifically as a result of gun violence. Right. This was a question that we had. And then you add onto that racism.
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Jo Frost
Correct.
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Paul
With gun violence. And that increases the likelihood specifically of my black child.
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Jo Frost
Correct.
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Paul
Not coming back home.
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Jo Frost
Correct.
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Paul
And then we. We get to the UK and yes, the UK has lots of problems.
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Jo Frost
Yes.
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Paul
But that specific problem was not at the same level, not at the same magnitude. And it became not even a question for us at that moment, at that moment in time.
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Jo Frost
And I don't think it would be for me at all, you know. Cause I've watched. I've watched my husband be profiled spread eagle, you know, in. In a nice part of America. Right. I say Nice part, right? Because that's what I say. It was a nice part of America. And then you realize what they're talking about is, you know, a part of America where there's hardly any black people living. Right. You know, just. I just want to keep it real here, Paul.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
You know, living in this country right now, in America is extremely difficult and extremely frustrating. But this, you know, this, this conversation's a difficult conversation because it was only several days ago that there was a woman shot. But she's a mother.
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Paul
She's a mother. Absolutely. You know what? I'm so glad that you're talking about this, because I think if you are not someone who loves children, if you're not someone who's aware of children, this probably doesn't hit your radar. But you know that there is not one morning when this is in London, right, where my children are going off to school, where I'm not consciously aware, where I feel my stress level elevated. Just in the process of them going to their bus and, and then ensuring that they're at school, and in the moment that they. I get that text that they're at school, stress level drops. I can now really go about my day. But then on their way back, it's. Stress level goes up. Can they get back to the house? They're back at the house. Stress level goes, right? And that's every day. Every day, every day, every day.
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Jo Frost
And in the uk, you know, as in America, because again, there used to be that moment maybe 20 years ago, you go, oh, it's a little bit behind, and then it's going to catch up. But now with social media, one thing goes out. The whole world, you know, sees it and that's. That. That has been a very good thing, right? Because it's been able to show a lot of negative and some justice that needed to be taken place or justice that isn't being taken place. Right. However, it. It doesn't diminish the fact that we have parents living in both countries with an enormous amount of anxiety. And that just. Man, that punishes the body, it takes the toll. It takes its toll on the body. You know, over time you think, oh, it's like, you know, and then over time, over time, it just chips away and that chips away at the decisions you make and the amount of energy that you have and, you know, the projection then on your family. You know, it's difficult for families. It's really difficult for families and at a time, but it's really difficult for. I'm asking families to dig Deeper. To dig deeper and go, am I just gonna watch this all pass? Or am I gonna take my family and put it on the map and go, these are the decisions we're making for 20, 26. We need to talk. And we need to talk. We need to talk. We need to sit around a table, you and I. We need to talk about our kids. We need to talk about the decisions we're gonna make from here to June. We need to talk about what we're gonna do to make sure that actually we are close as a family, but we've. We need to offload ourself. We need to be in a space with our partners where we can just be vulnerable. You know, I love the idea of this, but I'm fucking petrified, you know? And I will fight tooth and now for our family, but, boy, it scares me. I hear you like I hear you.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
It's all right to feel scared. Cause I feel the same way as well. What are we going to do about it, babes? What are we gonna do about it? What will we do about it? Together?
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
Like, let's talk about this. You have to talk.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
You have to talk.
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Paul
Yeah. It's truly where it begins and ends. It really is in the conversation. And I've always believed that the harder the conversations we're able to have, just the higher quality of life we get.
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Jo Frost
We have to have those conversations. Not all of us know what to say. I don't. I don't know all the time what to say. Sometimes I stumble, you know, and I'm well versed with communication.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
You know, and the levels of what that means. But, you know, sometimes. Sometimes we can't find words for the depth of what our heart feels at times. Sometimes we just. We just can't. But is the energy there that that other person can feel that. Is the intention true? Is it genuine? Is it loving? Because if it is, whatever's going to be said, we know it was coming from a good place.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
Because people generally want to do good.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
They do want to do good.
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Paul
Yes.
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Jo Frost
They might have not said the right thing. And we are very. We can be forgiving, you know, to our true friends. And I know they're their best interest at heart. You know, they. They love us somehow. It was a bit.
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Paul
But, you know, they meant well, the intention. Intentionality is everything. And it's interesting because in the romantic relationship space, it's always about intentionality. Same thing with parenting. It is same thing with parenting.
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Jo Frost
Because if you get that right, then your children, they're very forgiving. Look, how many times parents screw up unconditionally. Your children. Yeah, hi.
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Paul
Yeah, they're still there.
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Jo Frost
Like, all right, dad, you know, but can you say. Can you apologize? Can you apologize to your children? Can you turn around and say, you know what? I just lost it, and I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry. Like, you know what? I lost my call.
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Paul
You know, what's really resonating with me is as I'm reflecting on the conversation we had, is for those new parents, for those who haven't yet had the child but are pregnant, thinking about the child. Just had the child. Right. This is going to be so, so valuable.
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Jo Frost
Well, for. You know, I've. I've literally, I've had that. Like, I've had. You know, I remember I was in Chicago Airport, and a couple came up to me and they were like, oh, my God, we watch your shows. We watch our shows all the time. Like, I just. Look, I just got engaged. Like, we watch your show, we're gonna have children. We're gonna have children. Like, what would you. What advice would you give us? And I'm like, well, first and foremost, congratulations.
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Paul
Right, Right.
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Jo Frost
Talk. All I would say to you right now in this stage, talk to each other. Talk to each other about how you were raised, what you loved about it, what you didn't love about it. You know, how you want to raise your own children. What's important to you? What do those values look like? Like, you work in this relationship department, Paul. Like, do you know how much time and effort and talking when you're dating someone? Like, you're all there. You're taking them out. You're on the. You put down the phone. No, you put down the phone. No, you put down the phone. I can put down the phone. No, you put down the phone and you're, like, all hyped up, and you're talking and you go out for dinner, and then, like, marriage happens, and then crickets stops. Crickets. Like, everything stops. And you're like, how? How? Yes, Right. But you have to also. Because again, I'm putting in the decades of seeing this. You have to also realize that there has been media that has also conditioned. That's changing now. Women like you would see in magazines, oh, this is how you capture the man of your dreams. And this is how you, you know, don't ask him about how many children he may want or don't ask him, you know, about this. And you're like, no, ask. Because if you're sitting in front of somebody that can't answer those questions or is offended by those questions. Thank you very much. That was really nice. Goodbye. Yeah, thank you very much. I think I'm going a second date now.
- [23:27]
Paul
You know, I mean to the point of even when you were talking about, you know, you're talking about the importance of that emotional connection is like you have to talk, you know, you talked about we need to talk, right? What do we need to do in 2020? It's like this is the through. The through is in the conversation. The through is have the courage to show up. And when you show up, you will be rewarded always. You will be rewarded 100% of the time. And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out on the we need to Talk page. Drop a like leave a comment and hit subscribe. See you next week.