Alcohol Destroyed My Life

Summary

Podcast Title: We're All Insane
Episode: Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Release Date: March 10, 2025
Host: Devorah Roloff
Guest: Maddie

---

Introduction

In the emotionally charged episode "Alcohol Destroyed My Life," host Devorah Roloff sits down with Maddie, a courageous individual who bares her soul about her tumultuous journey with alcoholism. Starting her battle at the tender age of 14, Maddie's story is a raw and unfiltered account of addiction, its devastating consequences, and the arduous path to sobriety.

---

Early Beginnings and First Experiences with Alcohol

Maddie's relationship with alcohol began during her early teenage years. She recounts her initial exposure and the allure that led her down a destructive path.

• First Drinking Experience:
  "I started drinking whenever I was 14 years old... I woke up throwing up on the towel. And an upperclassman was helping me... I ended up dating him later on."
  (00:37)

• Family Influence:
  Maddie reveals that her father struggled with alcoholism, which influenced her own battles.
  "My dad had to drink non-alcoholic beer because he can't have the alcoholic beer. But later on, he started drinking regular beer."
  (04:13)

---

High School Years: Escalation and Consequences

Maddie's high school years marked a significant escalation in her drinking habits, leading to multiple consequences that would shape her future.

• Consequences of Early Drinking:
  "The next day, I was supposed to work as a lifeguard... My parents didn't punish me because my dad is an alcoholic as well."
  (04:13)

• First DWI Incident:
  "At 19, I got my first DWI... I was driving the wrong way on I30... and clipped another car."
  (08:35)
  Notable Quote:
  "I don't condone drunk driving. That's terrible."
  (28:09)

---

Struggles in the Service Industry

Transitioning to adulthood, Maddie entered the service industry, where the ubiquitous presence of alcohol further entrenched her addiction.

• Environment of Temptation:
  "With the service industry also comes the service industry people who all like to drink and smoke pot and do coke and get fucked up after work. And that's how we cope."
  (17:40)

• Second DWI and Legal Troubles:
  "I got my second DWI at 22... I blew a 0.32 BAC and was taken to the hospital."
  (42:37)

---

Personal Tragedies and Deepening Addiction

Maddie's addiction led to personal losses and further complicacies in her life, pushing her to the brink of despair.

• Loss of a Close Friend:
  "Ashlyn, my roommate and drinking buddy, passed away from pancreatitis linked to her alcoholism... It left her 2-month-old and 2-year-old behind."
  (53:15)
  Notable Quote:
  "I still miss her every day. She was the nicest person."
  (56:19)

• Hospitalization for Alcoholic Ketoacidosis:
  "I was diagnosed with alcoholic ketoacidosis... It took me three days to recover."
  (73:45)

---

Turning Point: Seeking Help

After years of battling addiction alone, Maddie reached a turning point that led her to seek professional help and regain control over her life.

• Intervention and Rehab:
  "Bonnie, my mentor, insisted I get treatment... I paid for my rehab and had the best time, meeting supportive people."
  (84:33)
  Notable Quote:
  "Please don't ever detox by yourself at home. It's so dangerous."
  (85:36)

• Sobriety and Personal Growth:
  "Since completing rehab, I've remained sober for over three years... I have a tattoo that says, 'To the girl I once was, I forgive you.'"
  (88:25)

---

Challenges in Recovery

Despite achieving sobriety, Maddie's journey was fraught with mental health challenges that tested her resilience.

• Mental Health Struggles:
  "I fell into depression and anxiety... Tried various treatments, including TMS, which initially helped but later caused mania."
  (89:13)

• Support Systems and Relapses:
  "Max, my husband, has been my rock... Together, we navigated through the toughest times, including hospitalizations."
  (76:04)

---

Current Life and Reflections

Today, Maddie stands as a testament to survival and recovery. She continues to work in the service industry but maintains her sobriety with unwavering determination.

• Maintaining Sobriety:
  "I love my job selling alcohol because it's so regulated... There's no way I can get away with drinking here."
  (94:38)
  Notable Quote:
  "You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Drinking a few times on the weekend is plenty enough."
  (115:25)

• Message to Listeners:
  "If you're struggling with addiction, know you're not alone. Seeking help is the first step towards reclaiming your life."
  (Final Segment)

---

Conclusion

Maddie's journey serves as a powerful narrative on the perils of addiction and the possibility of redemption. Her story underscores the importance of recognizing the signs of alcoholism, seeking support, and the profound impact personal relationships can have on one's path to recovery. Through her transparency and resilience, Maddie offers hope and inspiration to those grappling with similar struggles.

---

Notable Quotes

1. Initial Struggle:
   "I was very fortunate. I don't know why he took care of me... but I thank him."
   (01:30)

2. Reflection on Addiction:
   "I crave that feeling. I know that's what destroyed my life."
   (19:02)

3. Sobriety Commitment:
   "Every single day, I know I'm an alcoholic."
   (20:48)

4. Acknowledging Support:
   "Max took care of me in ways that no one else ever has."
   (73:46)

5. Encouragement to Others:
   "I tell this story so that others can learn, hopefully, from my mistakes and not make those."
   (27:00)

---

Key Takeaways

• Early Exposure: Alcohol addiction can begin in adolescence, often influenced by family dynamics and social environments.

• Consequences: Multiple DUIs, hospitalizations, and personal losses highlight the severe impact of alcoholism.

• Recovery is Possible: Seeking professional help, building a support system, and personal determination are crucial in overcoming addiction.

• Mental Health Matters: Co-occurring mental health issues can complicate the journey to sobriety and require comprehensive treatment.

• Support Systems: Positive relationships and mentors play a vital role in recovery and maintaining sobriety.

---

Maddie's story is a poignant reminder of the struggles many face silently and the strength it takes to overcome them. Her candidness encourages listeners to reflect on their own lives, seek help when needed, and understand that recovery, though challenging, is attainable.

Transcript

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[Maddie]

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[Maddie]

Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. I'm Maddie and I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking whenever I was 14 years old and I didn't really get addicted right. At 14, I wasn't like, yeah, this is awesome. In fact, I got really sick. I was mixing Jose Cuervo with Tecate beer and we drank that all night. I woke up throwing up, like on the floor on a towel. And a upperclassman was helping me. It was a guy and I knew of him, but, like, I didn't really, like, I knew his name. And I woke up and I was throwing up on the towel. Cause I had thrown up so much in the trash can. And he did everything for me. Like, he took care of me. I was very fortunate. I don't know why he took care of me. I don't know really what, you know, provoked him to do that, but I thank him and I ended up dating him later on. But.

[Co-Host]

So quick question for you.

[Host]

I already have a question. So you said that you started drinking at 14. Were you in high school?

[Maddie]

Yeah, I just. I went to high school.

[Host]

So you just got into high school and then it was just like your normal, average, like, partying, right, kind of thing?

[Maddie]

Yeah, I started out as. Okay, totally.

[Host]

So was that situation that you were just talking about or that incidence, was that the first time that you drank or was that just one of the times?

[Maddie]

That was the first time I drank and I actually got drunk. So, like, I had, like, snuck a four loco and like, pretended to, like, drink it in my friend's closet like six months prior to that. So I had, like, dabbled in drinking, but I really wasn't, like, fully enthralled with it by any means. The only reason I went to that party was because I was becoming friends with all the upperclassmen. And I also had a boyfriend at the time. Okay. But he was way into sports and, you know, like, doing something with his life. And I just was like, you know, effort. I'm 14. I don't care.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So he was not at the party. So that was kind of a rough conversation to have afterwards, too, of him, you know, being like, what happened? And me being like, I don't know. But, you know, Drew took care of me.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And so that's kind of like my first big time drinking, getting sick. And then the next day, I was supposed to work as a lifeguard at the, like, family owned run water park in our hometown. And I did not. I didn't.

[Host]

Didn't make it.

[Maddie]

No, ma'am. My parents really didn't punish me because my dad is also an alcoholic as well.

[Host]

Did you see a lot of that growing up?

[Maddie]

Yes and no. So, like, whenever I was young, my dad drank non alcoholic beer. And so, like, we knew growing up, you know, daddy had a problem. So that's why, you know, he has to drink non alcoholic beer now because he can't really have the alcoholic beer. But then, you know, later on into, you know, once we started growing up, he started drinking regular beer, not non alcoholic beer. And my mom, love her. She has no problem with it. Kind of envious of her for that, but, yeah, I've never really. I've sure I've seen her drink, but never more than, like, two.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

It's just, like, not her style. My dad, on the other hand, and that's also, in a fucked up way, I relate to him more on the alcoholic and, like, the addiction side of things. And that's not, like, my favorite thing to talk about because I don't love that I relate to him on such a dark level.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Okay, so back to the story about me drinking at the house and, like, first getting drunk. So that girl, the house that I was at, I was actually really close friends with her. And so we would go out to parties afterwards one time. So I'm fast forwarding to a year and a half after the drinking incident.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

At her house, I had been, like, hanging out at random parties and not gotten a handle on my drinking, but knew how to drink and not throw up and wake up on a towel the next day. And, oh, and I also had thrown up all over her new Pottery Barn duvet cover. She forgave me for that. So she's a real one for that.

[Host]

Yeah, I was gonna say Lucky.

[Maddie]

But anyways, so we continued, like, just partying randomly. We were both very involved in sports. I was so involved in cheer. That's, like, why I moved away from my hometown is for cheer. But I was dating the guy who helped me whenever I, you know, had gotten drunk a year and a half later, so, like, much time had passed, and we ended up. I lost my virginity to him at 16, and then a couple days later, he just completely ignored me, and that's how he broke up with me. And then that was on, like, a Tuesday. And so then Friday, I was cheering for the high school football game, and he was up in the stands with his, like, new girlfriend or whatever. And I. My heart started, like, racing so much. I. And I had had, like, heart issues before. Who knows if it was just anxiety, but I. I've been told it was a real heart problem. I had surgery for it. So how much is it? Anxiety? Yeah. But I went over to the side of the track, like, after seeing them together, and I was like, hey, like, my heart's acting up. Like, can you take a look at it? And they hooked me up, and I was beating at 325 beats per minute. I had AV nodal reentrant tachycardia. And so what that is is you're born with wires, and there's 12. So, like, one, two, three, four. Four sets of three.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

And then one wire breaks off whenever you're born, so you have two and two by the time that you're two years old.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

So one of my wires didn't break off, So I had 2, 2, 2, and 3. And so this one was causing interference with the other two. And so that was what was making my heart race dramatically. So I had AV nodal reentrant tachycardia, like I said. And then I had a catheter ablation to fix it, which is. They just go in through underneath your collarbone and then right here in your groin. The reason I'm telling this story is because about a week after surgery, I still had, like, the bandages, like, underneath here and here. And I went out to a little party with my friend from, you know, the house party years before, and I drank. And on our way back, she was driving, we got pulled over. So that was kind of my first experience with getting pulled over after I've been drinking at 16 years old. And he was like, have y'all been drinking? I can smell alcohol. And we were like, no, like, of course, tonight, everything. And we both got out and did sobriety tests, and both passed It. I don't know how what was going on, but somehow, by the grace of God, I, like, got out of that. And I think it was because I could show him that I had just gotten out of surgery.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

I honestly, I think that's the only reason we got out of it. But that was kind of like my first interaction with the police and me knowing that I messed up and that I was potentially going to get in trouble for it.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Host]

Did the surgery that you got, did that fix the problem with your heart? Okay. And that was the only thing that you had to get for that?

[Co-Host]

Yes.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

They said that I could take beta blockers afterwards, like, if any problems arose. But the reason they cauterized it is because they said no problems will ever occur. You may feel like you're going to get into that again, like, where your heart's going to start, like, crazy racing and you're going to hyperventilate. But what they cauterized will fix it. So it. And I felt it before.

[Host]

Yeah, that's scary.

[Maddie]

Yeah. But the surgery fixed it, and I was back drinking a week later. After that run in with the police, I kind of started focusing on a different friend group and really got into the sport I was in, which was cheerful, and really fell in love with that. It was a healthy habit. And so from, like, 16 to 18, I really didn't drink. I was hyper focused on cheer and where I could go to college and doing it competitively and doing it for my school. And I was in the best shape of my life, and I had a community, you know, around me, and I just fell in love. So around my senior year, I started trying out for different colleges, and I tried out for. For a college two hours north of my hometown in Dallas. My hometown is a small hometown in two hours south of Dallas. And it's small, but it's also next to a army base. So we also had a much bigger population on our school. Like, I graduated with 711 kids.

[Co-Host]

Wow.

[Maddie]

So, I mean, we were still big considering the size of the town, but also that made for a competitive environment. And I really, like, engulfed myself in that environment. I just emerged myself into that environment of the competitive energy and just go, go, go to be the best or to try to make yourself stand out. So. And we also had a lake, so I grew up on a barge and on a boat, and my aunt had jet skis, and, you know, there was still plenty to do. But then also with growing up on the barge and the boat and the lake, also there was Drinking?

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So, you know, when I say I grew up not really around drinking, but kind of, that's what I mean, because it was always around, but nobody ever got, like, out of their mind, drunk around. Not that I remember. Like, not around me and my sister or anything. So I never really seen, like, any drunk behavior until I started doing it, you know, myself and experiencing it with my friends. So I made the cheer team up here or up there in Dallas and started cheering for them, started going to their practices. And then I realized how hard it was going to be school working, because my parents could not afford. Like, I took out loans. I'm still paying on those loans. Like, you know, my parents couldn't really afford for me to go move up to Dallas. I had to work to pay for everything. And so I was working two jobs and trying to go to school and trying to keep up with cheer. So I just kind of let that cheer thing go, which I look back on and I'm so sad about. Yeah, that was a really great distraction for me, and that really did keep me healthy, and it was a happy.

[Host]

You enjoyed it.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And, like, whenever I moved up here, I was also, like. One of my two jobs was cheering coaching. And so, like, that was a really fun job for me. And in fact, the lady who got me the coaching job up in Dallas, she is the mother of the boy who took care of me whenever I was 14 and later on lost my virginity, too. So it's just like, small world. I know. But, yeah, that kind of devastated me, losing or having to give it up because I have to make a living. You know what I mean? So that was kind of.

[Host]

So did the college offer any scholarship for the cheer or.

[Maddie]

No? No, because cheer is not actually considered a sport.

[Host]

Interesting. Okay.

[Maddie]

So you can't really get scholarships for cheer. You can get scholarships for, like, gymnastics and aerobatics. Team acrobatics.

[Co-Host]

Got it.

[Maddie]

Okay.

[Co-Host]

Team.

[Maddie]

But cheer has never been considered a sport unless things have changed. But whenever I went to school in 2011, that was not a thing. I moved up here and like I said, I was coaching cheer, but whenever I decided to quit, I quit cheer altogether. Like, I was. I didn't want any ties to it. I think that was also kind of the reason I'm so sad about it is because I really did just, like, cut that part out of my life. I was like, I don't have time for this. It's not making me money. I'm barely making enough to survive, and I only need 625amonth for rent. So like, let's get going, girl. But so I did start getting into the service industry and I'm still in the service industry now. I love it. It's a love hate relationship. But I will, I feel like I'll forever be entwined in it. With the service industry also comes, you know, the service industry people who all like to drink and smoke pot and do coke and get fucked up after work. And that's how we cope.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And so I fell into that at a very young age. As soon as I moved up here at 18, I fell into that. In fact, whenever I was 19, I got my first DWI. I was working at a bar in Fort Worth and we went across the street, we closed and we closed at 2 in the morning and we went across the street, very illegal by the way. Went across the street to a bar and drank after hours. And it was just kind of for like the service industry people.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So that's where I was. And I remember being. And I also didn't drink just to like casually have fun. Like I liked the feeling of being out of my fucking mind.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Like I didn't want to just like drink and have fun. I wanted to get fud up. Like I was on a mission.

[Host]

And do you think that there was a reason, like, like a core reason for that or is that just what you liked with alcohol, you think?

[Maddie]

I think that's what I liked. And again, that's kind of like where I also say I relate to my dad in a lot of ways is because I, I crave that addict, like. Addiction.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Like even today I still crave alcohol because this is so fucked up. Because I miss that feeling of being out of my mind. Like I know there is nothing else in the world that will make me feel like that ever again. And that's so fucked up because that's what like, you know, destroyed my life. But now looking back on it, I still crave it so much.

[Host]

You know the thing with alcohol, like, I don't think it's like, okay, yes, it's fucked up in a sense that you look at it in the sense of. Yeah, I say it all the time. Alcohol is the devil's drink. It never results in anything good. But I think a lot of people can relate to you in that feeling. Yeah, I mean, it is the same thing with drugs. Like people know, I think they're very aware that it destroys their life and it starts at everything. Anything I feel like can start out fun as and then it becomes toxic and it ruins your life. Yeah, but I don't think it's. What my point is, is I don't think it's fucked up to say that that's how it made you feel and that. Because that's why it's addicting. Like, that's your. That's the truth.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know, like, yeah, it's fucked up that people get addicted to it, and then it does ruin your life. But that's the honest way that it makes people feel, and that's why people can't stop.

[Maddie]

Yeah. Like, I loved. Like, people are like, I don't really like drinking because I don't like being out of control. I'm like, fuck control. Like, I just want to go to sleep. Like, Xandal, baby, I'm.

[Host]

Because it. It lets your walls down.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You're not as, like, tense. You're not. I mean, everybody. And everybody that has drinking knows that. That it lets you just get loose and then, you know, the more you drink, the further down it goes.

[Maddie]

No, actually. But I still, to this day crave that feeling. So that's why I still say, you know, my husband was in the car the other day, and he was like, why do you still consider yourself an alcoholic? And I was like, every single day. I. Like, I know that's scary to hear, but it's the God honest truth.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

You know, like, every day. You know, some days are easier than others. But there's. Especially now that I've picked up serving shifts on the weekend and, like, gone back into that environment. I like sometimes. And, like, dang, it really sucks that I can't go get a drink with my co workers after this.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Host]

And I was gonna say, you know, drinking is a very, very social thing.

[Maddie]

It really is.

[Host]

We live in a world where it's so normalized of like, oh, want to go get dinner and grab a couple drinks? Or that's like, the way to kind of break the ice or talk to people and have more fun. Every. Like, that's, I think, the mindset around it. And especially being in the service industry, it's like, it is all around you.

[Maddie]

Well, and even. It doesn't even stop in the service industry. You know, I got out and worked an office job, and everybody was like, come meet for a happy hour.

[Host]

I'm like. Because it is an escape.

[Maddie]

Yes. And I'm like, I can, but I can't. You know, like, and also, I. When I was still drinking, like, for the very short time I was in an office setting and going to those happy hours, I couldn't handle myself.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

I was with a small amount of people that luckily didn't, like, gossip or anything. I got really lucky, basically. But I didn't act professional or anything. I was pounding six drinks.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

@ those happy hour events. Like, girl, nobody needs to pound six drinks. But even then, like, I still couldn't. That's why I say, like, I don't think I can even. Like, I still straw taste drinks at the bar I work at. I won't. I don't use mouthwash with alcohol in it. I won't take nyquil if it has alcohol in it. I just. I don't even want to go there because I already know myself and I already know. I love that feeling. So I'm just not even.

[Host]

Stay away.

[Maddie]

Yeah. Like, let's not go there. My first DUI at 19, I. So I left the bar and I remember dropping my car keys and picking them back up and dropping them a second time. And I remember being like, I feel messed up. So I went back and I was like, can somebody take me home? Or like, can somebody call me a cab? Because back then it was 2012, so Uber was out, but it wasn't what it is now. Like, I don't. Nobody had it on their phone. Like, sure, I could have called a taxi. I'm so sorry. Like, but I do remember, like, going back and asking everybody, like, can you bring me home? Can you call me something? Like, and I can pay you back tomorrow. Because I was also broke, so, like, I didn't have money for a taxi, so I was like, I'll pay you back tomorrow when, you know, when I'm done with my shift. And everybody was like, no, no, no. Like, you're fine. Just go. And so I just went. I lived in a couple cities down the road. It took me about 30 minutes to get home. I do not remember this. So this is all told to me whenever I was found for my DUI. I was driving westbound on eastbound I30. So I was driving the wrong way on a major highway in Texas. I had clipped another car, just a random, like, truck driver. This is also at four in the morning because like I said, I had just gotten off the bar at 2 and went across the street. So I clipped another car. He was not injured, and I wasn't going very fast. I think I was only going like 35 miles an hour. And this is all on the police report. So like I said, this is not my recollection of anything. And so I had clipped him. He had pulled aside and Cars had already been calling about me driving the wrong way, but I just wasn't going very fast. And then a police car came and hit me head on. But again, I was not going fast. Hit me head on to make me stop because I was not stopping. And then whenever they opened the car door, I had peed myself and threw up on myself. They took me to the hospital because they thought that I had been drugged. I had no drugs in my system. I was literally just that fucked up.

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[Maddie]

I'm ready for my life to change.

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[Maddie]

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[Host]

This is a man's world.

[Maddie]

I've never seen anything like it.

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[Maddie]

And I back then, like, I didn't smoke pot. I didn't do anything. I literally just drank. And so they took me to the hospital to find out my, you know, everything because I was obviously not in good shape. The cop actually followed the ambulance and stayed with me in the hospital until the hospital workers told her that I was, like, stable and good. So, like, it's so sweet. And I. I again, feel so lucky, like, nobody was hurt. I don't condone drunk driving. That's terrible. And I don't look back on this story with, like, any sort of proud moment or like, to boast about it ever. I tell this story so that others can learn, hopefully, from my mistakes and not make those. There was plenty of times where I could have not gotten in that car. And I thought about it so much that I turned around. So obviously I just needed to follow my intuition. But hindsight's 20 20.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So I woke up in the hospital and I found out what, you know, everything I'd done. And the nurse is the one who told me, like, not the police officer. And there was a little, like, yellow ticket paper for your dwi like, sitting on the side, like, on top of all my stuff, and my clothes were wet. Like, I was still in the clothes from the night before. And I just called my boyfriend at the time. I was like, can you please come get me? Like, I didn't really know what was going on. Also, my BAC for that one was a 0.28 and 0.07's legal limit. You know, 0.3. They say you are dealing with toxicity to death. So I was, you know, very intoxicated. I didn't really know I knew the severity of everything whenever I woke up, but I didn't. I don't know. I feel like I was still drunk. I. And this is not me making excuses. It was just, like, such a surreal thing, like, waking up and finding out all of that stuff. So my boyfriend picked me up, and he also was at work at the time, like, working a day job. And I was like, hey, pick me up from the hospital. I just got a dui. So that all went down. And also, I had agreed to work a private event for that bar that I was working at. So I was supposed to work at a golf course that morning at 7:30 in the morning, Obviously, I did not make it to that. So whenever I finally got my phone all charged up, people were like, where are you at? You're supposed to be working this golf event. So that was just even more added anxiety. I was like, oh, my God. Like, I don't know what I did. How am I going to move on from this? Luckily, in the service industry, a lot of other people have DUIs and have messed up just like you. So I had this friend that I was working with, and she gave me the contact information to a lawyer that she had used. And she said, don't worry, girl. I drove into a house, and I was like, what? And she was like, yeah, I drove into a house, and the people were not home, but she had driven into the portion of the house that was the nursery and stuff. Mm. And so that's what she had driven into, and that was her DWI story. So, like, as soon as I heard that, I was like, okay, I didn't drive into. Yeah, I didn't drive into a nursery. So, like, I'm still doing okay. No, babe, you drove the wrong way down a major highway. Like, the clues were there. I just was in denial. So I got with that attorney, and since I was so young, since I was 19, and whenever I got sentenced, I was finally 21. I think that's the reason they took it so easy on me because I only got this thing called labor detail. And you basically go and check into this facility and then they take you out in groups like vans. And we're all inmates, you know, we're all there to do serve our community service, if you will say. And they took us out to the local jails. I put up a fence, like a fence for Mayfest. I cleaned the jails like I said I would clean like random fire offices and stuff like that. And this may sound freakish, but I kind of enjoyed it. Like I didn't mind that punishment. I don't know if that's wrong or whatever, but I didn't mind like getting up and going and like cleaning stuff. Like I was like, okay, this is my punishment. Like, okay, girl. But also I had an interlock in my car. So as soon as I completed the labor, labor detail, I still wasn't done because I still had to have that interlock on my car. And by then I, by then I was working at a new restaurant. And at this new restaurant I figured out that if whenever I got to my shift at 3:30, I could have two drinks, chug them and then be fine by midnight whenever we close to drive and blow in my interlock again. And so be sober. Like, why am I doing that? Like, what is going on? And there is literally nothing wrong my life. Like just an average girl going to school, working two jobs. Like nothing traumatic. Like nobody hurt me, nothing happened. I'm just in this state of mind. And I think that's also why it's so confusing for me to look back too, is because I don't have that, oh, well, you know, someone did something to me or you know, this happened and I did this or you know, a big traumatic event. Nothing like that happened. So.

[Co-Host]

Well, the thing is too is, you.

[Host]

Know, addiction doesn't like pick only the people that have been through things.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Like, that's why it's addiction. And so many people deal with it. I mean, you don't. I feel like you can be fine and still want to turn to something like that as a form of an escape or if you know it's going to add some sort of pleasure or fun to a situation, especially if you're young, you're going to do it. And it's not to make an excuse. But I think so many people have that mindset. I mean, it's ingrained in people to go through a party phase.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Like it's seen as so normal.

[Maddie]

So it totally is.

[Host]

And that's Why I wanted you on here to specifically talk about this because it's so common. And I think that, like, obviously now you're at a point where you can look back and know, okay, I had a problem, you know, And I still might if I went down that path. But there's so many people that might not even realize that they lean on alcohol or on even weed or certain drugs to get them through things or to make something better. And, like, if you feel like you're thinking about something or you need it to get through something, it's becoming an addiction for you.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And it's like, I don't want to say there's nothing wrong with it because obviously it doesn't do any good. But at the same time, I feel like it is something that is very common and very normal and should be spoken about so that people don't feel like they have to hide it. Or even on the flip side, people don't have to see it as you have to go through a party phase to be normal or to be cool.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know. Cause I think that that also is a huge gateway into it. Like, you start out just wanting to party and have fun with your friends, because that's what is the normal thing to do when you're a kid.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

But then it could lead to this spiral of not knowing or not, like, not knowing how to stop.

[Maddie]

And too often it does lead to that spiral. And again, like, nothing traumatic happened to me, but I was on a mission to.

[Host]

But if you're going to work, like, where that's the environment. I mean, in. In my mind, why wouldn't you want to drink to match the energy of everybody around you.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And it's really not. It's not an excuse. I think that's just the mindset of it. Like, I think it would take somebody that genuinely doesn't like alcohol from the start to feel that way.

[Maddie]

And this job, I fell in love with this job because of the people that I worked with. Like, I still to this day talk to some of the people that I used to work with at that job. That's how strong of a bond we all had. It was such a fun environment to be in, but also a dangerous one because drinking was not. You weren't allowed to drink on shift, but pretty much everyone did. In fact, there was a bar across the street that was open until 2 in the morning. And sometimes we would, like, during buyouts and stuff, we would take turns going to the bar and taking shots and coming back. So it was very Common for everyone to drink and stuff. I did end up getting fired from that job. My first time ever getting fired for drinking, and that really, really upset me. Yes, I had gotten the dwi, and yes, that affected me. And, yes, I went through, you know, the legal system and dealing with all that. But losing something that I had worked so hard for and was making a very steady income at and for drinking is just so disappointing in myself. Yeah, you know, with that job, I was also, like, bartending for charity events. Like, I went and competed in this thing called Speed Rack, and they raise awareness for breast cancer. And I had placed within the top five for Speed Rack. Like, I was good and good at it. And that place is kind of where I grew as a bartender and grew into that profession. And so the day I got fired was I was bartending with a fellow bartender of mine, and he is just as bubbly and energetic and loves to serve guests and everything just as much as I do. So I had made us some coffees. So I had put Bailey's Godiva chocolate. Like, girl, I was cordial. Like, I was going all in on these coffees. Jameson and then the coffee. And I had put them each on the bar, and Barrett had chugged his. And then I saw a guest sit down. So I was like, I'll chug mine in a minute. Greeted the guest, Turned around, my drink was gone. I looked at Barrett, and Barrett goes, he just took the drink off the bar that was yours, and I don't know where it's at now. And I was like, what do I do? What do I do? And he was like, I don't know. I don't know. He was like, but please don't tell them I was drinking. I was like, shut up. Like, I'm not gonna tell them you were drinking. But, like, what? So then the day manager came on, and he was like, hey, Charles, the gm. And the GM is the one who took it. Charles, the GM wants to talk to you in the office. And I was like, fuck. And my heart was racing. Like, my heart's still kind of racing thinking about this, because, again, this is the first time where I've worked for something and then it's been taken away because of my own actions, my own drinking. Like, nobody else put you there but your own self. So I walked in, and he was turned away from me, and he had the drink, like, on his desk. And he just whipped around with the drink and sat it down in front of me. Said, so what's this? And I said, that's an alcoholic coffee. Like, I wasn't gonna. Like, you can obviously smell it. And he was like, okay, where did it come from? And I lied because I knew if you also.

[Host]

Your girl made it.

[Maddie]

Yeah, yeah. If I told him your girl made it, then I also could have been not charged. But, like, I don't know any other way to say it, with stealing, because technically I was stealing the alcohol by putting it in the cup. So I told him that I had brought the alcohol from home, okay. And that I poured it into my coffee, and that's what I had done. And he could tell. And I had just started working. I had just woken up. Like, I wasn't drunk at all. Like, I was fine. I hadn't even taken a sip of the coffee yet. So that was another thing back then. I was like, I wasn't even drunk. I hadn't even drank anything. Like, bitch, you knew what you were doing. You're going to chug that. Had the GM not taking it from you. So I told him. I was like, you know, it's an alcoholic drink. I took it from home. I took the alcohol from home and I poured it in here. And he was like, okay, well, I need you to go home. We'll talk about this later. I was like, what? I was like, man, no. Like, just tell me right now. Like, am I fire? Like, what's going on? He was like, I don't know. He was like, I have to think about all this. You need to go home. Like, get out of my face. And I was like, okay. Of course I didn't go home. I walked across the street and went to the bar and got fucked up and told all the bartenders and everybody how I was probably gonna get fired because I just got caught drinking as I'm, like, drinking at the bar. Just insane, insane behavior. So I go home, and then I wake up the next day, and by this point in my alcoholism, I was starting to get sick. But I figured out I could, like, just have a little hair of the dog, like, just one of those little mini bottles of wine, and it would make my shakes go away, and it would make me.

[Host]

Yeah. I was gonna say, like, did you ever get any bad hangovers?

[Maddie]

Yes. But then also by that time, like, I said, I would just drink, like, just a little bit, and then it would make me feel so much better. And then. Yeah, and then I was just, like, working and sweating and, I mean, I'm sure I felt bad, but nothing noticeable. Like, not then. So I got up the next day and I went in and we had a meeting, and there was two people there. And as soon as I saw there were two managers there, I knew I was getting fired. Because one has to be there to witness it, and then one has to be there to do it. And so as soon as I saw that, I immediately started crying. And he was like, you know, I don't want to do this. You are one of my best bartenders. You have crazy work ethic, but I am going to fire you. And I started crying even harder. He was like, the reason I'm firing you is because this is not the first time you've drank here. He was like, and I know it's not the first time. This is the first time we caught you. And I was like, you're right. Like, I'm not even. Yeah, you're right. And, yeah, I went home and lost that job and cried, like, really heartbroken. I don't know why. That was the thing that really broke my heart, considering I had just gotten a DWI at 19, but that was it. So then I got two more jobs after that. The job that I got after that is where I met my now husband. But I still was not over getting fired, and I was treating it through drinking. And I got my second DWI after I got fired. Like, three months after I got fired from the ranch for drinking, I got my second DWI. I was 23 at the time. No, 22. I was 22 at the time. So even just, you know, three years after my first one, not great. And that one, I tried driving home, and then I had shown up to my second job. Not the one where I met my husband, but my second job, like, farther out, serving again, drunk as fuck. Like, I had just been drinking all day again, treating, like, my misery with alcohol. And they were like, I'm sending you home in an Uber. And so I got sent home. Oh. And they didn't fire me either. Like, I showed up drunk as hell, and they were like, you know, we all make mistakes, and you're a good worker. So I was like, why, everybody, thank you so much for giving me a second chance. But I don't think I deserved it at the time. Like, I really don't. So they didn't fire me, and they tried to send me an Uber. And then I told the Uber to go back to the parking lot, and I got in my car and I drove to the other bar that I was working at, and I started drinking. And I was like, I'll just Uber here. Or, like, Uber from here to my apartment. No, I got so up. I don't remember walking out of the bar. I don't remember driving home. I remember anything. I do know my BAC was going to be high enough that I knew I was going to be a liability and I didn't want to go to jail. So I blew on my second one. I blew a 0.32. And like I said, I had been drinking all day. Like, all day. And that one I had tried to turn into an apartment complex. Here is my apartment complex, and then here is the apartment complex I tried to turn into. So it was just one prior and I had hopped the curb and like, pulled into a parking spot and then pretended like I lived at that apartment complex to try to get out of the dwi. Like, try to be like, I'm home, everybody's safe, we're good. So like, bye, bye now. You've, you've done your civic duty. No, no, no. They were like, ma'am, you're up. I did do a sobriety. Like I said, I blew. And then I also did a sobriety test because I don't know why I was feeling so confident. I looked back on that police video. I you not. I'm at a like 45 degree angle. Like, I was standing and like in a cheer position too, at that. Like, I looked back on the video and I was like, girl, what were you? You can't even stand up straight.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And so obviously I failed everything. And then whenever I blew a 0.32, they took me to hospital. Because if you blow over a certain amount, you're a liability to them. And so they have to take you to the hospital to get checked out. They can then take you to jail afterwards. Like, right? Totally. If, you know, the hospital says you're good, but nine times out of ten, they usually don't. Okay, I don't know why, but they just usually don't take you to jail. Unless, I guess also I, with the accidents I got into, they just messed up my car. Like, hitting that curb messed up my car. And nobody else was involved in that first wreck or the second wreck. For my second dwi, my first dwi, I did hit somebody, but I just had clipped his car. Growing slow. So I don't know why they didn't take me to jail after that. And again, my first one, I didn't have to go to jail ever. I did a walk through and so I went in and like, did my hair all cute. Got all dressed up to go take a mug shot. My first one. But that mug Shot is so cute. Like swear she's a good looking mug shot. My second one is such a disaster. So anyways, I blew and I blew a 0.32 and they're like, yeah bitch, you're going to the hospital. So I went to the hospital and then I called my friends at the bar and I was like, hey, who hasn't been drinking? Because I need to ride from the hospital because I got another DWI and they're like, oh my God. So they picked me up. And then whenever I got sentenced, part of my sentencing was you have to spend a mandatory three days in jail. That is a part of whenever you get a second DWI in Texas you have. That's a part of your sentencing. So I had to. That's a part of your sentencing. But also you're supposed to go and serve at least a day or a night in jail for the actual arrest. Like on your second one you're not allowed to just go to the hospital and then, you know, go through, go to a walkthrough on your second one I had to go. This is where I wish I wouldn't have blown or done anything and just gone to Irving jail and just set it out. Because I had to go to county jail, which is loose. Sterrett and Lew Sterrett. Dallas jail is talked about because of what a crazy condition jail that is. Like, it was not a fun time. Even though it was only a night. I got out of there and immediately told myself, attorney. I was like, I don't care what you have to do, but I, I don't want to go back to jail. Like, I'll pay beaucoups of money, be on probation for much longer. I don't want to go back to jail. Like and to spend three days in there. No, like, I can't do it. And he was like, okay, you know, it's going to be more probation time. Which I took. So I didn't have to serve the three mandatory days in jail. Cause I would rather be on probation for six months than spend three days in jail. And I know that's crazy to hear, but I hated jail. Like it was the worst like physical and mental wake up call that I had ever had. Like, sure, getting fired from that job was the worst wakeup call in the mental sense of like me caring about everything that I had lost. But going to jail for that was, and especially in county jail, so awful. I like, they don't give you anything. So I just kept on asking for like bologna sandwiches and I piled them up and, like, would sleep on bologna sandwich. They put us, like, all in this one cell for, like, three hours where we were just all together in this one cell with just, like, benches on it and just, like, no direction. No. Which obviously I don't. You don't need direction in jail. But it was just such an alarming, like, environment for me to be in. So that was my second dwi. So after my second dwi, I was working at the place where I met my husband. And I was also living with one of the daytime bartenders, and we worked only mornings together. It was a great little setup. She drank about as much as I did, too. And she had been to the hospital multiple times for pancreatitis. So she understood, you know, we understood each other on, like, a really deep level because we had both experienced, you know, being sick from alcohol and the effects that alcohol had on us. And the reason I moved out is because she got pregnant and moved into her own house. And then she got pregnant a second time. And I heard that she was still drinking, but, like, not near as much. Not to the point of, like, hospitalization.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And then the three days before Thanksgiving in 2022, we got a call that said, Ashlyn's in the hospital. She went in because she thought it was pancreatitis again. It's not. She needs a new liver. We found a new liver for her. She'll be getting a new liver. Which I was shocked because Ashton was not secretive about her drinking. They knew that's why she needed a liver. But then also, she was a mom of two. And again, this was my roommate. This was my little drinking buddy. This was somebody I'd been very close with. And they said, you know, she's going to get a new liver tomorrow. She just has to make it through the night and we'll be fine. We get a call the next day, which happened to be on Thanksgiving Day. And she had passed. All the toxins had spread to her brain, and everything just took over. And she passed away. Left her 2 month old and 2 year old from, you know, that's what she left behind. And her husband, too. He was also in the service industry. It was extremely sad funeral. That's probably the first funeral I've ever been to that I've, like, cried so hard and really felt that. And also it being, you know, she died 2022 on Thanksgiving. And I had just gone into rehab. 2021 in October, around Halloween.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So this was still, like, pretty fresh. And so her passing from drinking even more solidified it for you.

[Host]

Yeah, I'm sure it's heartbreaking, it's scary, and it shows you the reality of, like, you know, if. If I keep going down this path, that could be me.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And you had that, the sickness happen.

[Maddie]

You know, and like I said, me and Ashton, like, we really related to each other because she would go to the hospital for drinking, and she was like me.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

She did not care. She. And I also think I, like, back then, I was like, why not me? Like, why did I survive going to the hospital? And none of that traveling to my brain. And she has two kids. Like, I don't even have kids. I have six dogs. Like, I just. I still feel guilty to this day about. I just don't know why I survived. And she did it.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

But that is the one death that has hit me, like, really hard. And whenever I was going kind of crazy, I thought that Ashton was, like, talking to me. But I miss her every day. And she was a really great person. She was also really nice. Like, I know people, you know, will never talk ill of the dead, but she was genuinely, like, the nicest person. Yeah, I always envied her because I could never be that nice people. I'm like, I just have too much of a temper. Like, I'm just going to pop off.

[Host]

Right. How do you do it?

[Maddie]

No. And I just don't understand. Yeah, but that really shook me. So now I'm gonna kind of switch over into. At the tail end of my addiction and then into sobriety and everything. So I had continued working at the first job because, remember, after I got fired from the ranch, I had picked up another two jobs. I always had two jobs because I always felt like I was going to get fired. So I think it's kind of like a security thing for me at this point. But I've always kind of remained with two jobs. So after I got the second dwi, I just stopped showing up to that other job. Like, the first one that had sent me home for drinking or, you know, whatever. Yeah, I just stopped showing up. I was like, nah. And then I blocked everyone. Like, ghosted. I blocked everyone on my phone. Then, like, six months later, I changed my phone number, like, to be heard of and seen. Never again. Like, not. Not my style. So I just never showed up. The second job, where I left my husband, I was working there and I knew he was married. I did. And I also knew that they were separated and having problems and basically that they haven't been in the same room with each other for about a little over a year now.

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[Sponsor Representative]

Hey guys. Today's episode is sponsored by Hexclad. Alright, let me just be honest. For those that know me, they know I'm not a chef by any means. I can't cook much. I used to say that the only thing that I could cook was eggs with shells. Because even when I would make my eggs, there'd be some shells sprinkled in there. But fear not, I have gotten better since I used to say that. But that being said, even though I am still no chef, I have upped my game a little bit in the kitchen. Not only do I cook eggs now, but I've escalated things to burgers, steaks, some vegetables, you know, just adding things in here and there. That being said, I have been using the same Walmart pan, I think for the last like five to 10 years. It's been a long time. And let me tell you, I am scraping off burnt pieces of the bottom of that pan every single time. Whether it's my eggs sticking, my burger residue, anything in between that you can imagine. That pan has been through the wringer. And not only that, it is not the prettiest color or not the sleekest, most eye grabbing thing in my kitchen. And I don't know about you, but I'm somebody that after I wash and rinse my pan off, I like to leave it on my stove because it's just easier, it's convenient for me when I need to use it next. So recently I've been thinking, you know, not only do I really need cookware that is upgraded and just easier to use and better to use when it comes to my cooking in general. But I also want something that looks good and presentable in my kitchen.

[Maddie]

4.

[Sponsor Representative]

If people come over and they see my cookware just sitting there on the stove. So that being said, that is where hexclad comes into the picture. Because they asked a couple friends what what their favorite pans were, their favorite cookware sets, and what did they all say?

[Co-Host]

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[Sponsor Representative]

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[Maddie]

So we started hanging out like I did with pretty much everybody that I worked with after, you know, work or after we get off shift and, you know, drink at my apartment or whatever, or go visit random bars in Dallas. But again, I wasn't drinking and driving. I was still drinking a ton. And I was still on probation for my second dwi. Like, I don't know why, but legal trouble. I was like, okay, like, what are you gonna do? And you'll go to jail. Like, that's what you're gonna do. But I would just stop drinking three days prior to my check in time. And that's three days is what you need to get alcohol out of your system. And I found that out because my former roommate, she was on probation for a dwi, her second one too, back whenever I had my first. And I didn't understand, like, why she had to stop drinking three days prior to check in until she finally told me, like, oh, that's how long alcohol stays in your system. And I was like, oh, okay. So that's how I learned that and that's how I dealt with my probation, was I would only stop three days before check in and then continue on my drinking spiral. By then I was starting to get sick. By then I was constantly nauseous, always nauseous. Always felt like I had to throw up. Like, always trying to drink, like just a little sip so I could stop, like the shakes. And I still shake, like, just a little bit, but I was, like, shaking tremendously back then. So I was not only drinking to. I wasn't drinking to have fun at that point. I was drinking to help with my dts, you know, I was drinking to help with the tremors and the detox of it all. Yeah, I wasn't really consuming. It wasn't like this fun time that I once had with, you know, my now husband anymore. It was kind of. It was serious.

[Co-Host]

So in those three days before probation.

[Host]

Were those, like, miserable?

[Maddie]

Yes. I just, like, would throw up and just be bedridden, like the whole time. I had like a throw up cup and just like throw up into the cup and dump it out. I mean, disgusting. And I don't know why or like what or how Max stayed with me, my husband, for all this, but he, for Some reason did. And so whenever I started to get sick, I finally got off probation. So this is two years after the second dwi. It's actually three years because it took him a year to sentence me. And so three years after the second DWI and I was getting really, really sick. Like I actually couldn't stop throwing up. And I had gotten some shifts covered. And by this time I was also living with my now husband. His ex wife had moved out of the house by then and they were already on their way to divorce. I am going to backtrack a little bit.

[Co-Host]

Go ahead.

[Maddie]

Okay. So after the DWI and whatever, I was getting involved with Max. I did know he was married. I did not care. I was getting sick, but like, not really. I had taken him to Detroit, he's a Detroit Lions fan. And I had taken him to Detroit and taken him to his first Lions game. And we came back and I saw this lady, like running across the tarmac, or not the tarmac, the little drop off lanes. And I was like, wow, that lady's in a really big hurry. And then just like sitting down with all our baggage. Like, we just got home from Detroit. I'm waiting on one of the bartenders that works, you know, at Spirit Grill where we all worked to come pick us up. It was Stephanie. It was his ex wife. She is right in my face. And she was like, did you have a good time fucking my husband in Detroit? And I was like, holy shit. Like, this is the first time I've actually, like, if it isn't the consequences of your own actions. So she was like, do you have fun fucking my husband in Detroit? And I like, did not say, I'm so proud of myself for this. I did not say a single word. Like, did not say one thing to her. Just looked her in her face, got all my bags and just walked away, like to another place. And I was like, max, you can deal with that. And then I called the bartender and I was like, craig, where the fuck are you? Because shit's going down. Shit's going down. Like, I need you to get here. So he got there and then she was still kind of like following because I had forgotten one bag. I swear it wasn't on purpose. I swear I really didn't just want to get out of the mess. And so he brought my bag over and like shoved that in, shoved me in and like closed the Jeep drawer, Jeep door. And then we drove off. And they had had a pretty like vile, volatile relationship. Like, that wasn't the first interaction with Them that had been aggressive or violent in any way, shape, or form. She had been. This is way before me, like, two years before me. She had been arrested for domestic violence. She had given him, like, scratches and all kinds of bruising all over his chest and arms and stuff. And again, this is police documented. I'm not. There's nothing out there that, yeah, isn't, you know, been heard or seen before. So she had a history of that. And then we still kept on seeing each other even after the airport run in. Like, I clearly did not give a fuck. Then one night, I get a call from Max, and he was like, she stabbed me. And I was like, what? He was like, she stabbed me. And I was like, okay. And he was getting brought to the hospital, so I didn't know anything. I just got the same bartender who had just picked me up from the airport, like, a couple weeks ago. I was like, hey, can we go to the hospital? Max is there, and Stephanie stabbed him. So we get to the hospital and she. Whenever he got home, she had thrown all their furniture out in the middle of the yard. And I mean, like, all their belongings, like, just out in the middle of the yard. And this is also in May, so, like, it was nice outside, but it was nighttime. And Max walked in the door and said, I don't know what's going on. I don't have time for it. I will be calling the police for destruction of property. You have an hour to get out of here or no, not an hour. Sorry. Scratch that. You have 15 minutes to get out of here, and then I will be calling the police. So please gather your things. I don't care where you're going, but you need to get the fuck out of my face. So she gathered all of her things and picked up a pair of, like, grandma sewing scissors and walked by him and just boop. Like right here in his chest right there, dropped them and then walked out. And Max was like, did you just stab me? And she just, like, drove off to her mom's house, which is like two miles down the road. So, yeah, he got stabbed in the chest with a pair of swing scissors because of his ex wife. I will not take the blame for that at all. Like, that's on you, boo. I don't think she stabbed him because I was with him. I think their relationship was tumultuous to begin with. I say all that because that is how she got out of the house and that's how I moved in. So it's not like a Cinderella story of, like, Meeting my prince Charming. I mean, this is it. These aren't great things that we're doing, but it's what made me stable enough, insane enough to want to keep going. And like I said, by this time, I was starting to get sick and sick and sick. So I finally got off probation, and at this time, I am living with Max in the house that he once shared with Stephanie, his ex wife that stabbed him. This point. I had been throwing up for three days straight. I couldn't keep down water, I couldn't keep down Pedialyte. I couldn't keep keep down anything. And I had been throwing up straight for three days. I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't peeing anymore because I just had nothing in me. I was dry heaving. Max finally came home from his shift that he had just worked for me. And by the way, Max is working all my shifts for me while I'm just getting sicker than a dog for literally drinking in front of him.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So, I mean, I really do give him so much credit because he took care of me in ways that literally no one ever has. So he came home from that shift and he was like, we gotta go to the hospital. Like, something's going on. You're not getting better, you're not stopping. So he went to the hospital. Whenever we went into the hospital, I was gray. I was gray and white. I was cold. I just was not looking good. I don't really remember getting checked in. Like, that's how. And again, I hadn't drank a single thing. I couldn't keep anything down and drink a single thing. And they were like, we don't know what it is, but, you know, you just keep on throwing up. And, you know, we ran your blood work. There's nothing in your system. Like, there was no alcohol. There was no nothing. But then they ran my blood work, and then they came back and told me that I had alcoholic ketoacidosis, which is where you consume all alcohol and you do not eat, so it turns your blood acidic and makes you start profusely vomiting. And you literally poison yourself. And if you don't get the fluids and the vitamins and the medicine that you need to combat the alcoholic ketoacidosis, you'll die. So I had gone to the hospital and it took me three days to recover from that. And three days, that means three days until I can, like, remember, like, sitting here talking. Those three days, I was in and out of sleep. I didn't really know what was going on. Max said he thought I was going to die. I didn't think I was going to die that time. Like, I was like, nah, I'm still okay. And I kept on going to the hospital for the next two years. I kept on going to the hospital for alcoholic ketoacidosis, and that's just how I would get, like, fixed. So I would just get, like.

[Host]

So that kept happening.

[Co-Host]

Mm.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

It was just because you just were drinking, Drinking much and just not really eating food.

[Maddie]

No.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

I had no interest in eating. Like, zero interest in eating. I was 105 pounds at the time. Now I'm 140 and I'm, like, healthy and my weight and everything. But, yeah, even dropping 35 pounds is just, you know, crazy. But I. That kind of. That hospital visit is kind of what made me not reconsider how much I was drinking. It's what made me be like, oh, I can get fucked up and then I can go get fixed, you know, Like, I can't go to the hospital and just check in and three days later, I'll be fine.

[Co-Host]

So they were just giving you.

[Host]

It was, like, fluids of vitamins, like, okay.

[Maddie]

Yeah. I'm not a doctor and I have no interest in the medical field, so I'll be honest with you. Like, I haven't done a ton of medical research on alcoholic ketoacidosis, but all I know is my symptoms, what I experienced and what the doctors told me. And that's enough for you?

[Host]

Like, any concern, like, you might have a drinking problem.

[Maddie]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

And what would you, like, what would you think or say when they would.

[Co-Host]

Say that to you?

[Maddie]

I know.

[Host]

Okay. So it still wasn't, like, really setting it.

[Maddie]

No.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

I was just like, yeah, I know.

[Host]

You guys can fix me, so it doesn't really matter.

[Maddie]

No, literally.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

I was like. And pick up. Yeah, like, pick a bigger consequence. Consequence. Because right at this point, I already had two DWIs. Already been in the hospital for alcoholic ketoacidosis. I didn't care.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

So that all happened. And then about a year, two years into doing that, I got a message from one of my old bar managers at that job that I left. Loved that I had gotten fired from the ranch one. Yeah.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

And her name is Bonnie. And she messaged me and she was like, hey, girl, you want a big girl job? And I was like, yes, absolutely. Like, please save me. Like, I'm working at Green Gator. Like, I'm. I'm tortured. And she was like, okay, cool. You know, we're going to Go meet at Specs, and that's a big liquor company for Texas. And I was like, okay, cool. And I didn't know what I was doing. All I knew was that I could get out of the service industry and here was my chance to really make something of myself. Like, I didn't care how I was getting it. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care if I was working in a warehouse. I was like, finally, some health insurance and something to keep me on my shit.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Because I also respected the hell out of Bonnie. Bonnie is the one who taught me how to bartend. Bonnie is the one who I roomed with whenever I was on those trips to do speed rack. Bonnie is the one who helped me get all those private events outside of the ranch, making extra money, you know, she really took me under her wing, and she really saw so much potential in me. And I still. I just light up when I talk about her. I love her so much. So she messaged me, and then I went and interviewed at Specs, and I was like, you know, this is what I'm doing. I'm working, you know, bartending, blah, blah, blah. She was like, okay, well, you'll be a sales rep here. And I was like, okay. And then I started, and everything was going good. Like, I. My drinking wasn't under control, but it was under control enough to where I would just save getting sick for those three days for the weekend. So, like, by Friday, I would kind of be like, I'm going to fucking throw up all weekend. But again, I was trying to make it work. I was slowly trying to get out of my alcoholism, but it's hard to.

[Co-Host]

Do on your own.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Co-Host]

Like, to.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And then, I don't know. Again, this is so not confusing to me, but this is all so much for me to talk about because again, there was not a traumatic event. Like, yeah, nothing happened for me to be like, oh, I'm gonna get out of my mind tonight, because this person touched me or, you know, hurt me or whatever. Nothing like that happened. So I started to slack off at the job. And that is not like me. And Bonnie knows that's not like me. If you've heard my story, this who you've always had.

[Host]

Good work ethic.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And again, people have kept me even despite my mistakes, which I wouldn't have. But anyways, so I got the job. I was doing really good, Kind of a little slip up. And then I started slacking off because I was just getting too sick. I could not get up and go to work. And Bonnie was like, you know, you're gonna have to have a meeting with me tomorrow, and we have to discuss. Like, we have some serious things to discuss. And I knew what was coming. Like, I'm not stupid. Bonnie's not fucking stupid.

[Host]

So were you still drinking and you were getting sick from the drinking?

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Were you still getting the. Like, going to the hospital and getting.

[Maddie]

Sometimes, but not as often. I was just kind of, like, doing it at home.

[Co-Host]

Got it.

[Maddie]

Like, I just would. Like, by that point, I knew that I could take, like, small little sips of Pedialyte, and then, like, I knew I could eat, you know, jello and slowly ease myself back into things or, like, sip on chicken broth. Yeah. So I just, like. I kind of stopped going to the hospital, too, because I was also, like, so embarrassed that I kept on needing that treatment.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And they. Like, I was seeing the same people, you know?

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

They're like, here's this Maddie Evans bitch again. But she was like, you know, we're gonna have a meeting tomorrow. And I was like, fuck. So I got so fucking out of my mind that night. Like, I did not want to wake up. I.

[Host]

This is before the night before, the.

[Maddie]

Night before the meeting.

[Co-Host]

And how long were you at this.

[Host]

Job at that point?

[Maddie]

I was only at this job for three months.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And I was already having a talking to, and I got so out of my mind. I did not want to go to that meeting. Like, I fully went to sleep with, like, not. And I was taking again. I was just drinking a shit ton. And I took, like, ibuprofen, antihistamines, like, Benadryl, Nyquil. Like, anything I could do to, like, alter my state, I was taking that night. And of course, I woke up the next day and told Bonnie. I was like, I tried to kill myself last night. Like, I. I can't have this meeting. Like, just don't even talk to me about it. And she was like, okay, well, that's not okay. Like, let's get you some help. Let's get you some treatment. It's been three months. Guess what you have now. The health insurance.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And I was like, what? And this is the first time that anybody has ever been like, sorry, you're too much of a liability. Got to find another job, sweetheart. This is the first time that somebody's been like, this is not okay. Like, what you're doing is not okay. What happened is not okay.

[Host]

Let's get you.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So I found. And she goes. And also, you can't work here anymore if you don't go get help. So I was like, okay, now I'm gonna go get help. So I. I was the one who found the rehab facility, and I was the one who paid for it. Like, I had to put down. You know, your insurance doesn't start paying for stuff until you pay off your first. What is that called? I don't know. I know what you're talking. You have to, like, meet a certain minimum.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Whatever that's called.

[Host]

Okay. Yeah, I know what you're talking about, though.

[Maddie]

Anyways. And so I still had to put down 6, 400 to go into treatment, and I did. I still had 6,400. I had 3,000, and then Max had 3,000.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

And so we just both emptied out our bank accounts to put me into treatment. I got in. I had the best time. I.

[Host]

How long were you there for?

[Maddie]

30 days. Okay, 28 days. I cried whenever I had to leave. I, like, did not want to go. I had the best time. I met the best people. I had my own room, my own bathroom. I like the schedule we were on. I loved my therapist. I had a hell of a time in rehab.

[Host]

Now, when you went in there, did you go through, like, a detox period?

[Maddie]

No, because again, remember how I told you that I had become embarrassed by that time and I was just detoxing by myself at home?

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

Which, by the way, please don't ever detox that self by your home. Or be. Please don't detox at self. Bite.

[Host]

Please don't detox by yourself at home.

[Maddie]

Yes. Thank you. It's so dangerous, and I could have died. But no, whenever I went in there, I had. And also, that was on a Friday that we were supposed to have that meeting. So Thursday I tried to kill myself. Friday, I told Bonnie about it. And then I spent the entire weekend finding places like, who takes my insurance? What do I have to pay? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Till I finally found this place. And I love this place. It was called Fort Behavioral. Love the girls, good. Love the therapist. I loved everything about that place. We got to go on walks, and it was a good time of year. It was Halloween. Yeah, me too. And I don't know. It was just. I'm not gonna say.

[Sponsor Representative]

I feel like for.

[Host]

That was probably, like, a healthy escape for you. It was like a. An escape, but, like, in a way you never really experienced before.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Like, you could just forget about everything that had been going on.

[Maddie]

Yeah. I really did enjoy rehab. I don't. And, like, I said, I'm sure it's a combination of the people I was there with where we just clicked, you know? Oh, and Bonnie also came and visited me at the treatment center while I was in rehab. I mean, just phenomenal, amazing person. So then I get out of rehab and then I start getting into specs and selling. And specs, by the way, is selling alcohol, beer, wine, cigars, everything you need for a bar, everything you can think of for a bar. Like bar mats, dump, sinks, everything.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

We sold. We sell it.

[Host]

So you were back at the same job?

[Maddie]

Yes.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

I took. I took FMLA and went on leave for a month and a half. So by that time I was coming back. I was coming back and it only been five months since I had worked there. But I went in full force. Like I knew what I needed to do. I knew I was clear headed. I felt so good and I did so good. My sales increase, you know, from 200,000 to, I think whenever I left there, I was selling 780,000.

[Host]

Wow.

[Maddie]

So. And that's a month. That's. That's not per year. That's per month. So I was doing really well. I was. I had all my shit together. Like I was going to see a therapist, a psychiatrist and all this other thing, you know.

[Host]

You were sober at this time?

[Maddie]

Yeah, right. I've remained sober since.

[Host]

Since that stay. Wow, that's amazing.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Because you said it was only 28 days there, right?

[Maddie]

Yeah. Okay, so. And that just proves to me that I clearly was done with it. But. Yeah, since. And then I also have that tattooed inside my arm. It says, to the girl I once was, I forgive you, with my sober date of 10, 22, 21 underneath it. And that was a sign that was in my therapist office at. For behavioral. The rehab that I went to. So that's why I kind of got that tattooed on me. But anyways, so I was doing really good. I continued to do really good for about a year, and then I fell into a little bit of like some depression. I never experienced it like this before because also I had been drinking since I was 14.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So I really didn't know how to handle it. I was talking to all my doctors because again, at this time I was seeing a therapist. I was seeing a psychiatrist. And then I was also seeing a nurse practitioner and he specialized in addiction and addiction behavior. And so I was getting this shot called. It's this shot. Oh, Vivitrol. I was getting this shot called Vivitrol, injected once a month.

[Host]

Why does it sound familiar?

[Maddie]

So Vivitrol is used for opioid and alcohol addiction. And it is meant to make you not as addicted or like, it's meant to be kind of like. Not kind of like Suboxone, but like, in the same way.

[Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

Where it doesn't make you, like, crave it or it doesn't make you. And also, if you drink or do opioids on it, you'll get so sick.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

So that's another huge deterrent. I was like, you just got out of going to the hospital for five years. Like, can we please give our body a break? My God. So I was getting the Vivitrol injections, and then I was also dealing with a lot of depression. And despite him upping my meds, despite everything else, you know, me upping my therapy sessions, nothing was really helping me. And so he recommended this treatment called tms, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. And it's really good. It does help people with depression. I do actually recommend it. Okay. But I also took that and ran with it. Like, I do everything else. So you're only supposed to have 60 sessions. 60 sessions. So you go like once a day and you get the treatment. So they put this little device on top of your head and it literally, like, stimulates portions of your brain to. That are supposed to, like, make you happy and.

[Co-Host]

Wow.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And the first treatment today for 60 days.

[Host]

Is that what it is? Okay.

[Maddie]

And once I did the first treatment, I felt amazing. Like, I've never felt this good in my life. I've never been this happy, never been this motivated. Like, I was getting up at six in the morning, going at my treatment, coming home, like, fully doing all the floors and cleaning the entire house and then going to work like I was on top of it. So since I did so well, I asked if I could get a second round. And they said yes, of course, because my insurance covered it. And I had really great insurance at the time. I did not respond well to this treatment. The second time, I started getting so paranoid, I thought people were following me. I went manic.

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[Maddie]

I started talking to my customers all crazy. I was still at this job. I thought, was it like, just too much? Yeah, okay. Yeah. It was just like, overstimulating and like, I. I can't blame anything else other than the tms. It's just like one day, like, I thought Max was cheating on me with like, zero, zero evidence. Like, Max is literally at home sleeping in bed. I have his location, and I'm literally like, oh, the neighbor sleeping, the neighbors skipping over and like, him. Like, I have no idea where these thoughts came from, what triggered it, or like, what was going on, but I needed help again. Yeah, I was crazy. And this time no drugs were affecting me. I did not have alcohol in my system. You know, I did not have coke in my system. I did not have anything in my system.

[Host]

And during this time, I know that you kind of did say that it's something like alcoholism that you do still think about quite often. During this time that you were getting those treatments, did you find yourself still thinking about alcohol a lot or you were doing.

[Maddie]

Not as much. Yeah, not as much. And also in a weird way, I think, like, selling it also kind of, like, helped me too, because selling it, it's so regulated and like, everything is so much accounted for that you cannot get away with opening a bottle and drinking half of it and then going try to drop that bottle off to a bar to sell it. Yeah, you can't get away with that. So that's also something that really helped me at that job, was there's literally no way.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

I mean, there is, but it's just so difficult. Why would you.

[Host]

Did you feel like. And I guess even now, because you said you still are in the service industry.

[Maddie]

Right.

[Host]

Do you feel like seeing the alcohol, just physically seeing it? Is that a temptation to you at all?

[Maddie]

No. Okay. No, not just seeing it. I think the only reason, like, the only way I really kind of miss it is like, after those shifts or like after a long day or like at our Christmas party, you know, like, everybody was drinking at Our Christmas party.

[Host]

Because it's like the. You're, like, missing out.

[Maddie]

You feel like. But honestly, like, as long as I can have, like, if I can have a shot of coke with everybody else instead of, you know, whenever they're all cheersing, or if, like, I can drink sparkling water out of a wine glass, like, that'll. That'll, like, hinder, you know, that'll make me feel better about it. But it's just small things like that that I do, right? So whenever I started going crazy and manic about, body stepped in again because she's my boss, and she was like, hey, girl, let's do this again. No, but this time I was like, I don't need rehab. Like, and I'm not going to a mental hospital. Like, I don't need that. I'm just gonna, like, try to re. Like, ride this out. I don't know what to tell you, but, like, I'm not taking off. And Bonnie was like, okay. I mean, like, there's nothing else I can do. So then I just kind of stopped working. Like, I just kind of got in my own head. Like, just cooped up in the house, in my room, just going stir crazy, destroying property. Like, destroying my phone, getting new number. Like, I got two new numbers. Just insane behavior. Finally, 2023, April 1st, Bonnie calls me and she said, hey, we can't do this anymore. Like, yeah, love you, but go figure your shit out. And I was like, respectfully, I know. And so a month after that, after I lost all my insurance and everything, I did end up checking into a mental facility. It was called Carrollton Springs Hospital. And I did not have a good time there. I was there for 10 days. I hated every single second of it.

[Host]

I. I'm sure the dynamics were very different, too.

[Maddie]

It was awful. Like, I. I feel like with mental.

[Host]

Facilities, it's hit or miss. Either get a really good one or just.

[Maddie]

Really? Yeah. And it was so bad. Like, I. I shared a room. And not that I mind sharing a room. I grew up with a sister. Like, we shared a room all of our lives, but it's just in that environment and whenever I felt so sensitive and so vulnerable and also, like, mind you, I thought people were following me.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

I'm paranoid as hell, so I think everything and everybody is out to get me.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So I was in there for 10 days. They did put me back on medication. Different medication.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Host]

They diagnose you with anything?

[Maddie]

They diagnosed me with acute mania. Okay. So I had mania for a short period of time, and then Severe depression and severe anxiety. So I've already been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Just the acute mania was, like, their official diagnosis.

[Host]

Medicine did they put you on?

[Maddie]

Do what?

[Host]

What medicine did they put you on?

[Maddie]

Cymbalta.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

And another drug that is a mood stabilizer.

[Host]

Did you feel like it helped you?

[Maddie]

I did. I did. I did have to end up getting off those drugs because they do put me out. Like, I was constantly sleepy.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

I was constantly sleepy. But that was so much better because prior to that, I was awake 24 7, paranoid, out of my mind. So it was kind of nice to be sedated a little bit, but have, like, that break. Yeah. But it also made me very hungry, so I gained a lot of weight. I got up to 200 pounds, and again, right now I'm 140. So I'm, you know, I just lost this weight just this last year.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

But I got out of the mental hospital, and now I've been doing fine ever since. But that is kind of where I'm at now is I'm out of the mental Hospital in 2023. And now.

[Host]

So when you got out of the mental hospital, you were there for 10 days, and then did you get off the medicine yourself because you just realized it just wasn't.

[Maddie]

No, no, no. I. I told my psychiatrist.

[Co-Host]

Did they suggest anything else, or they.

[Host]

Were like, you're just gonna see how you do. Kind of like after you weaned off of it.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And then you haven't had that, like, mania come up again since?

[Maddie]

No.

[Host]

Interesting.

[Maddie]

I know. And that's why I think it was the tms.

[Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

Because there's literally. I mean. Yes. I'm on a different anti anxiety antidepressant. Okay. Like, back when the mania started, I was on Lexapro and Trazodone to help me sleep at night, and then whenever I left.

[Host]

And that was along with those treatments that you're doing.

[Maddie]

Yes.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

And then whenever I went into the mental hospital, they switched me to Cymbalta and another antipsychotic drug that I can't even think of right now. And that made me gain a lot of weight, but again, it made me stable. So I did hate the 10 days. It's awful. I don't recommend, but unfortunately, they did what they were supposed to do. You know, I think the hard thing.

[Host]

Too, with this places is sometimes it feels like they're putting a band aid on it, you know? And, like, obviously with these medications, it is a lot of times trial and error. You have to see what Works for a person this, that, and the other. But it just sucks because you don't really get like a full answer of like, okay, well, why did this happen? Or how do, like, what do I do if it happens again? You know what I mean? Like, am I back on trial and error of, like, let's see what works? So that's. That's so interesting though, that, like, it just.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And like I said, I do think the main purpose, or at least I think the main purpose for me going into that was to get me back on the right medication.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

Or just the right medication to stabilize me enough to get out of there. Yeah. And then after I gained all the weight, she. I had started to gain weight, and I gained probably like 35 pounds. And I talked to my psychiatrist and she was like, okay, well, let's try to switch you off of these drugs because they are making you tired, they are making you hungry.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

They do have side effects. So I understand that you're mentally in a place where you want to be, but now you're not physically in a place where you want to be. So let's switch you to Prozac and try to get you off those sleeping pills. And so ever since then, I'm literally just take Prozac and this other, like, hormonal thing.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

But that's like.

[Host]

And as long as it's work for you, that's all that matters.

[Maddie]

And literally, like, don't take a sleeping pill. One.

[Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

Everything is fine now. I don't see a therapist anymore. My insurance that I have now doesn't cover her. And I really built a relationship with her. So if I want to go back, I'll just pay for her. Yeah. But now I work for. Because I got fired from that job at Specs, I just stopped showing up. I got fired for job abandonment. Okay. Because I just.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Abandoned my responsibilities and just went crazy. So then I found a job on Indeed with a brewing company out of Austin, and I run the metroplex for the brewing company.

[Co-Host]

So you've been there since.

[Host]

And how do you like it?

[Maddie]

I love. Does give me a lot of freedom on the weekends, which is why I said I'm still in the service industry. I work at the golf course on the weekends.

[Co-Host]

Okay, cool.

[Maddie]

It's a little NFL themed. It's the only NFL themed in the world Cowboys golf course. And I really like it there.

[Co-Host]

It's.

[Maddie]

You get to drive around in your little golf cart. Yeah.

[Co-Host]

That's fun.

[Maddie]

I know. I have fun on the weekends.

[Co-Host]

That's Good.

[Maddie]

And then during the weekday, you know, I work for the brewing company, so I'm still on a daily basis selling alcohol.

[Host]

And then. Are you still in touch with Bonnie?

[Maddie]

Yes, I am. Just not as much. And she is now running, like, that entire team at Specs. You know, she, of course, advances because she is Bonnie. Yeah. But not as much as I would like to, but enough.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

That. Oh, and then I also called her while I was in treatment at the mental hospital, too. I was only allowed one visitor, and I wanted my mom.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So my mom was the only one who came and saw me.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Host]

And how, throughout your whole journey, like, I know that you said your parents. They didn't, I guess, ever really. The only word I can think of.

[Co-Host]

Is punish, because my mom used to.

[Host]

Punish me, but they didn't ever really, like, I guess, hold you accountable to.

[Maddie]

Not. Not really.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

Like, my punishment for the first time that I had snuck out of the house and went. Got drunk at that place and threw up on a towel. My punishment was my hangover.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

They didn't ground me or anything. They are just like.

[Host]

Like, are they. Have you been close with them throughout.

[Co-Host]

This whole thing of, like, do they.

[Host]

Are they aware of kind of, like, your addiction and all that stuff?

[Maddie]

Yes, they are very aware of it, but I definitely try to hide it from them. Like, I lied about my first one, and I also, like, lied about a bunch of stuff, so I lost my parents trust in that and kind of still building it back. Right. And, like, the second one, they straight up called me, and they're like, what happened? And I was like, I got a PI.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And my mom was like, what happened? I was like, I got my second dwi. She was like, why do you keep on doing this? Like, what is wrong with you?

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So I've definitely disappointed them, but again, they've never really. And that's not their fault. Like, them punishing me because I drank, too. I drink to oblivion is crazy work. Like, at the end of the day.

[Host]

You'Re still gonna make your own.

[Maddie]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So I don't wish or, like, think back on it and be like, oh, I wish I would have gotten, like, punished more. And that would have held me back. No. Like, literally nothing was holding me back.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

And I think also my parents kind of knew that.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Host]

Like, it's kind of like, you have to learn on your own.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And then after my first one, my dad had gotten his second.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

My. His second dwi, and he got it While on a boat with my sister and my mom. So he got a boating while intoxicated. A bwi.

[Co-Host]

Interesting.

[Maddie]

Yes, ma'am.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Maddie]

So the same time I got my first dwi, dad was dealing with the bwi, so my parents were like, not in a good place, you know, but through all of this, my dad said stuff to me. But I've also been like, go yourself, because you're an alcoholic too. And so I've also kind of blamed him.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

Which I shouldn't do.

[Host]

Did you ever do AA meetings?

[Maddie]

Yes, but only when they were required.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Host]

Did you find any?

[Maddie]

No. I'm also not religious. I grew up religious, but now I'm not, like, disgusted by it, but it's just, like, something that I feel very strongly about not participating in.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Maddie]

So that's why I've really found no desire, because it is really faith focused, and that's fine. Okay. You know. Yeah. I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum. And that is okay.

[Host]

I mean, what works for someone.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Doesn't work for someone else.

[Maddie]

So. Yes, I did go to AA meetings, but only because I was required by law. Other than that. No, I did kind of like the victim impact statements, or not the victim impact. It was some kind of like, statement where, like, you had to go to a courthouse and other people who have gotten in trouble for DWIs and stuff like that come out and tell their story.

[Co-Host]

Okay.

[Host]

And it's more like relatable and.

[Maddie]

Yeah. So it's not victim impact, I don't think. I think it's like some other type of thing. Okay. But I did like that. Like, that part of the punishment I found interesting. But again, I find people telling their stories interesting.

[Host]

But that's also, in a sense, like, what you're doing here now is like, you're telling your story. And, you know, I. I think that it's, like I said, it's so important. You know, when you wrote your submission and I went back and I thought about, like, I haven't had, like, a podcast, just like, obviously there's people that have been on that have struggled with alcoholism and things like that, but I haven't had an episode just strictly about it. And I feel like it is so common. I feel like you either know someone or, I mean, even, for example, just speaking from, like, my own experience in my relationship with drinking and alcohol. You know, I started drinking it. I think I was probably 13 or 14 too, because, like I said, that is the. The normal age. I mean, like.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Host]

When you Say it out loud. And you think about it, it's like, oh, wow, that's young. But that is the time when you're getting into high school. And.

[Maddie]

Were you just getting into high school, too? Yeah.

[Host]

And it was. It was cool. It was fun. It's like, where can we get it from? Let's sneak it. Let's do it. It's like, you know, we're trying to drink it out of. Out of a Twizzler straw so that we feel it faster.

[Maddie]

Totally. Yeah.

[Host]

You know, it's like. And it is so normalized, and it's such a common social thing to do, you know, And I have found myself. I mean, now I. I would say I try really hard not to drink. Like, there's every now and then, I'll.

[Co-Host]

I'll go to dinner.

[Host]

I'm like, oh, I want a glass of wine.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

But even then, it's like, it's still so interesting to me, the effect that. And the pull it has on you, because you can know how shitty it's going to make you feel the next day.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And you can know that it's going to give you, like, the anxiety the next day, and it's going to make you do things that you're probably going to regret. And it's not necessarily like that. You know, it's not the real you, the decisions that you would make sober, but something about it does pull you in. And I think that it goes back to that feeling of feeling loosened up and feeling like you can just let loose and not have control and not worry about what people think, because, you know, people call it liquid courage for a reason. People want to feel like they just don't give a. They don't have a care in the world. And obviously, like I said, it. It obviously can lead to a. A spiral of just wanting to get up, and it goes zero.

[Co-Host]

Down, down, down.

[Host]

And it can get to a really dark place, like anything can.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

But I feel like it. It makes so much sense to me why it's so easy to fall into that.

[Maddie]

That trap.

[Host]

Like, it makes total sense. And that's why, like I said, going back to what I was just saying when you, you know, when you wanted to come on the show, I was like, absolutely. I feel like so many people can relate to this, and I feel like it's so much more common and people might not. Like I said, people might not even realize that they have a problem. Like, it's very normal for people to go out on the weekends and just drink all weekend. Because they want to, you know, let loose from work, having to work all week.

[Maddie]

And that's considered alcoholism in the eyes of, like, the healthcare system now. So it is interesting to me that people don't want to recognize that that is actually functioning alcoholism.

[Co-Host]

It is.

[Host]

And it's like. And, you know, I'll look at some of my friends sometimes, I'm like, it's a problem.

[Sponsor Representative]

Like, if you feel like you have.

[Host]

To drink at every event or every dinner, it's like, I mean, I'm not here to judge you, but I'm letting you know, like, we don't have to. You know what I mean? Like, and it's. But once again, it's so fudgeing normal.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

That it's like, people don't view it as wrong people. And like, I think obviously something I wanted to mention as well is you're somebody. Just by hearing you speak, you're somebody that. On the flip side of having, you know, that addiction, you have always been very work motivated and driven, and you do have a good head on your shoulders. And you clearly didn't have this, like, big trauma or a bad childhood. So I feel like you had that flip side that kind of like, held you on to, okay, I can do better and I deserve better for myself. My life can go a better way.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know, so I feel like that's kind of where that pulled in. But it's really unfortunate because I feel like some people, they don't have that and they don't have that support system, and you really did. Like, I feel like, like you said, you got lucky. You had these people that wanted to put a helping hand out there and get you the help you needed. And to some degree, you wanted it for yourself, too, or you would have done it. You have to want it for yourself. Um, but it's, you know, no matter what your story is or what your situation is, it's so important to talk about because so many people, it's either they're going through it or they know somebody, or it's a parent or a sibling or something. Like, everyone knows somebody that struggles with alcohol. For sure. I can. I feel like I can definitely, confidently say that.

[Maddie]

Well, and not only that, but, like, I have this girl recently at work on the golf course. She asked me. She was like. Because she found out, you know, I was an alcoholic or whatever. And she was like, well, did you, like, drink every day? I was like, yeah, like, to stay alive, like, to be awake and to not shake. Like, I didn't drink to like, have fun. I was drinking to get rid of my, you know, like, tremors and stuff.

[Co-Host]

But the thing is, is it's important.

[Host]

For people to know that you didn't start there.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know, like.

[Maddie]

And that's what I tried to tell her. I was like, you know, I ended up here. But also, I wasn't your, like, you know, what you think of as your average alcoholic drinking every day. I didn't start out like that. Like, it took years of drinking and many consequences to get me to that place.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

And still.

[Host]

Even so, like, you still are young, and I feel like it all happens so fast. Some people don't. Don't realize it that quickly. Like, it takes a whole lifetime. And even then, sometimes they still don't get their together, you know, because it's like that addiction. Addiction is powerful. And it's like, even if somebody in, you know, a few moments can realize, wow, this is really, like, not good, or. I feel like shit. It's. You know, people struggle with it because addiction is very real and they can't get out of it.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

It feels nearly impossible. And who would want to go through detox and withdrawal and whatever? I mean, it's.

[Maddie]

Hell, yeah. I don't wish it on, really. Anyone. But also going back to her asking me that and kind of touching on what you said. I love that. She asked me, oh, well, were you drinking every day? And I just kind of wanted to turn around and be like, you don't have to drink all, like, every day to be an alcoholic. Like, Hannah, you can drink three times on the weekend, and that is plenty enough for you to be considered an alcoholic.

[Host]

Or even the people that. It's like when they do drink. Like you were saying, when you drink, you're drinking to the point of, like, getting blacked out.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

It was like, it's not. It's not good.

[Maddie]

Yeah. It's not good. No.

[Host]

But there's like, I can think of a handful of people that I know that do that.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And they look at it as funny and fun and partying. And it's like, I think that it can go one of two ways. Ways. Either you grow out of it, or you keep going down the path.

[Maddie]

Yeah. And something stops you. Like I said, I didn't really have anything traumatic. It was just kind of me. Yeah. Going and going and going.

[Co-Host]

Right.

[Maddie]

But I am really lucky to have found the support system that I have now.

[Host]

And congratulations on being sober. How many years has it been?

[Maddie]

It's over three years. My three year was in October.

[Co-Host]

Good. Congratulations. That's great.

[Host]

And, you know, like, I think it's so important that you're able to sit here and talk about it proudly and openly. And it's not something, you know, this goes for anybody that's listening as well. I don't think it's ever something to be ashamed of or to feel like you have to hide. It's something that the more that it's spoken out about, I feel like I don't want to say it's. The more it's normalized, because it shouldn't be a. You know, the best thing would be if everybody could break the psychobaddiction, but it should be something where you feel like, okay, I'm not alone in this, and I can be proud of myself for recognizing it and wanting to be better for myself.

[Maddie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know, so. You did amazing.