A (57:54)
Back to his ways. And they didn't. They didn't last too long. But I was very, very thankful for her because. Because of her presence in his life, we got to be kids for a little bit. And, like, she took her kids to a theme park in Missouri. Branson, Silver, Dollar City. Steal your dollar City. I'm just kidding. But so, like, experiencing that was amazing. Like, and even though my dad was being insanely controlling while we were there, I, like, was just like, oh, oh, wait. Like. Like, this is what it's like to not have to, like, constantly think about what. What needs to be done next. And I. Yeah. So I'm just very, very thankful for that girlfriend. She made a. She made a huge difference, which was why we were so sad that it ended. But we were all like, yeah, we knew this was gonna happen. It's just a matter and in between. So this is. This is where I guess you could say my dad kind of started going rogue. And like, what I mean by that is he just kind of did whatever he wanted. And so when he doesn't. When he didn't have a girlfriend, he would make me sleep with him. And this had started happening after my oldest sister turned 18 and left because she was kind of like my safety blanket. I shared a room with her. And he knew that whatever he did, my sister would tell my mom. So he definitely treated us better. With my older sister around, I was like, bless, whatever works. And I definitely, like, clung to my older sister as a lifeline, mainly because, like, my two older siblings were always just assholes to me. I mean, there's no other way to put it. And like, I was the unintentional baby and I don't know what it was, but they just like despised me, which is fine. That's their own thing to deal with. And I know that, like, how my dad played us kids against each other definitely played a role in that. And that's why, like, my relationship with my siblings is extremely, extremely complex. But so during this time, he, you know, he'd always, like, he made his kids sleep with him, like when we were little. But then, like, when he had women in his life, we were like, kind of like off duty, so to speak. But after my sister left, this was different. And I remember I would like, go to bed early as like a 12 year old, in addition to the fact that we were freaking tired from working all day, and he would come in there and pick me up and carry me down the hall and my siblings would just watch. And that, that happened. I mean, he, like, he would get upset if I didn't want to sleep with him. And there's like a lot that I don't remember. Like, after a certain point, it's just like underwater, like memories, I guess. But that, that, I think that was what kind of broke me because we were so involved in the church and I was constantly being taught. I was like, right around 12, like, purity and like saving yourself for marriage and all these other things. And then, yeah, like, my father would literally, like, take me to his bed and I couldn't. It's like my brain could not process that. And so it was just like, like, did he do stuff to you? Yes. Yeah. And like, initially it was just like this cuddle thing. But, like, I do have some, like, birds of memories. And it was like. It was. It was sexual. Like, I fell asleep with my dad's genitals on my back. Like, from what I remember. I don't backtrack. I didn't fall asleep. It just. I literally black out. Yeah. And actually, there's one thing that I forgot to mention. So my dad is really big into herbs, and he was constantly, like, giving us, like, all sorts of pills. And this is something that I have always thought, but I've always wondered if he was potentially drugging me. And I say that because I'm not a heavy sleeper. And I would wake up. This was always the confusing part. It's like I would wake up in a position as if I was crawling away from him, like, in the bed. And every time I slept with him, he always let me sleep in, which we didn't get to do. Yeah. And so there's just a lot there that I really haven't been able to process. Yeah. And, I mean, for years, I felt so incredibly shameful, and I wanted to, like, crawl out of my skin. And that's, like, the. That is something that is, like. That is the one thing that is just, like, I can't, like, wrapping my head around it is so hard. And. And. And then to. To take. To take matters further. After, like I said, after my oldest sister left, he kind of acted bad free range. And my dad had always commented on me because I. I'm pretty different from the rest of my siblings. I'm very petite and blonde. And, like, my oldest sister is a little bit bigger than me. She's also petite. But then, like, my two middle siblings are, like, brown hair, brown eyes. Like, there are a little Stockier. I'm, like, 5 inches shorter than my sibling. So I'm always just, like. I was always just a little bit smaller. But my dad loved that. My dad would constantly, like, bring up my body. It was, like, a normal occasion for him to, like, slap my ass. And it wasn't just like, a slap. It was like he would, like, grab your cheek. Like. Like, his hand would, like, slide into your crack. Like, it was weird. And then, like, he. He was very critical of our bodies. Like, he would leave bruises from pinching us so hard. Like, he would pinch our little, like, your natural little pouches, you know, little, like. And leave bruises. Or he'd, like, pinch us in the butt and leave bruises. And he was just constantly talking about our bodies. And my older sister is much stouter, and she has a completely different body. Type than I do. And he, like, shamed her for that body type. And I mean, like, he'd go up to her and just be like, look at this chubby ass. Like, like, you're running duels, like, things like that. Like, just disgusting things that, like a nobody should tell anybody else but, like, be not a dad to his daughter. And so that, I think, definitely impacted things. And my dad would call me, like, his little Barbie and he'd tell me that I was going to take care of him when he got old. And, like, that was my role. And, like, he was essentially, like, determining my future for me. And that has like, really impacted me because he kind of, in a sense, like, spousified me, if that's a thing. And I was a child. But the. The problematic thing to that was that I knew if I was going to survive, I had to play the game. And I knew that if I did what my dad wanted, I would be safe. And so by him doing that to me, kind of enabled this, like, like wide open path for him, kind of just doing whatever he wanted. And. And that was really. That was really hard. Those, like, few years, I felt so incredibly trapped and isolated. And I didn't understand, like, why my siblings didn't have to sleep with him and why it was just me. And then, like, I didn't understand, like, why I had to take care of him. And, you know, and. And then he also, like, he had me give him massages all the time. Like, I would take his shoes off for him. I would help us take his pants off because he'd be sitting in his recliner. And like, I remember my sister and I would cook. I'd have to make his plate, and if he didn't like it, I'd have to go back and fix it and then come back and like, that he was like. He like, attached himself to me. It was. It was so weird. I hated it because I felt like I was a servant. Like, I literally. I mean, I was like, I literally was. I spit in his food so many times. So many times. Me and my siblings, we heard that, like the, the eye lubrication, Visine or whatever, we're like, oh, that might give you diarrhea. We're just gonna give him all of this because we were. We were tired, we were miserable. And like. No, okay. He was, we were disappointed. He, like, was giving us so many pills. Like, there were times where I would take 15 to 20 pills in one setting. Like, he would give us like, echinacea, like grapefruit seed Extract, like all sorts of vitamins and all these like extra things which looking back now, my body probably wasn't prepared to like handle all of that, like mineralization essentially. And so I think that that has impacted my bodily functions. But that was also like another point of control. And he would watch us take the pills. Like, like he would, he'd make sure we, we did it. Which makes me really think that there was something else there. And then to take that one step further, a few years ago my dad actually told my brother that he could go to jail for what he did to my sister and I, which is like an admission of guilt. So yeah, like during this time there's just like, he's just like going rogue search dating this. He dated a few women in this time. And he had purchased a horse that had foaled when he was away. And I had never pulled a horse before. Like, I've pulled mini cubs, but I haven't ever pulled a horse. So I called the neighbor who has horses because like my dad was gone and I was a 12 year old trying to milk cows and take care of an entire operation with my brother and also figure out how to birth a horse because it's a little different from a cow. And the neighbor came over and essentially tied a rope to the horse's foot and just like yanked it out. And I think when he did that, he probably caused a uterine tear because the horse, the mayor, died within like 24 hours. And my grandparents, so my dad, parent. Anytime my dad went anywhere, his parents came and watched us and essentially they would feed us while we worked. So we loved it because we could do the work, but then we would get food. Yeah. And like, food we wouldn't have to prepare. And it was amazing. And anyway, so I'm taking care of this baby horse and we get like colostrum for it. I'm feeding it every three hours for a month straight. I am with this horse every three to six hours. This horse is my baby. It was born two days before my birthday and my mom, I hadn't seen her because I was, I had to have my horse. Like, I had to feed my horse every three hours. And my mom got really upset because I wasn't coming to see her. And she put her foot on and she was like, you know, come see me this weekend. And like, your dad can take care of the horse kind of thing. And my dad fought it, but ultimately he was like, yeah, like go see. Like, essentially he was like, I guess if that's what you want. You go see your mom. And I came back on Sunday and the horse was dead. So I don't know if he just didn't feed it. I don't know. But that. That broke me. I mean, that shattered me. I was so, so close to that horse. And like, the most upsetting part about it is that, like, my mom would have let me take it with me. She was literally, like, just put in the back seat and he wouldn't. He wouldn't let her. And I just. It was. I mean, that was like. That did something to me because it was completely unnecessary. But I think, like, he was trying to teach me a lesson and. And that's kind of how his lessons were. And I also want to, like, take a moment and explain. We were, like, not properly fed, so a lot of times, like, we wouldn't get breakfast. And I would just go out to our bulk tank and get, like, a cup of milk from the bottom of the tank. And bear in mind, this is milk that's raw straight from the cow. And there are. There are so much bacteria in this milk. And, like, that plays into, like, my current health issues. But I am so incredibly thankful for our dairy because if I didn't have, like, the couple two to three cups of milk that I drank every day, I, like, I probably would have been way more malnutritioned. And so, like, honestly, like, having milk say, like, save my life. I'm like, we're working, but at least I can have, like, a little bit. Yeah, yeah, my bacteria milk, which now it's so funny. I saw a gastroenterologist and he was like, so you have ga. You have bacteria in you that's found in ruminants. And I'm like, well, let me tell you. Yeah, buckle up. And so we would eat. Usually we would eat lunch, which my dad was crazy about, like, food consumption. So he didn't let us eat. He, like, wouldn't let us eat a lot of carbohydrates. So, like, we always had, like, meat, potatoes, and, like, that very dense diet, which is fine. At least we. We had food. We would eat at, like, noon after working all morning and then work all afternoon. And, like, the, like, these are just like a handful of things that we did constantly. But, like, we rebuilt fence, which would entail clearing out all sorts of trees and everything and then putting in, like, five, six wire. Barbed wire fence. We broke horses. Like, My dad bought 11 horses, and I think only three or four of them were broke to ride. And so my siblings and I had no idea what we were doing. We got told, like, make those horses rideable. All right, first things first. We gotta put a halter on them, I guess. And so. And, like, me being the lightest, I was the first one thrown in the saddle because I was the next heaviest saying to a feed sack. And, like, there were a lot of situations to where I. I, like, could have been severely hurt. And on top of baling hay. So we bailed hay on our own property, and then we bailed hay on other properties. We also had. There were periods of time to where we had multiple locations. So we, like, rented property on other grounds. So we'd have to go and check those cows and count them, make sure everybody's there. We, like, would ride and, like, for hours and bring our cows back in off of the ranch behind us, which I'm sure those guys were probably so tired of us. And then, not to mention, it's just like, four kids, three kids out there, like, just bringing in cows. We're like, I don't know. That's what dad wants to do. And then, like, my dad would make us pick thistles. So those really big thistles with the purple heads that, like, have the little, tough little seeds that come off.
