Forced into Child Labor

Summary

We're All Insane — Episode Summary

Podcast: We're All Insane
Episode: Forced Into Child Labor
Date: November 10, 2025
Guest: Tana
Host: Unknown Author

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Episode Overview

In this profoundly raw and unflinching conversation, Tana recounts her harrowing upbringing as a child forced into labor on her family’s cattle farm, her experience with parental and sexual abuse, severe neglect, and educational deprivation. The episode traces the trajectory from survival and trauma to her pursuit of academic excellence and eventual healing, providing a firsthand look at how cycles of abuse, family secrecy, and systemic failures shape and scar—but also how resilience and compassion can persist. Tana’s story is unscripted, intensely personal, and shared in her authentic voice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Childhood & Family Tragedy

   • Tana was born into a large family on a cattle farm in Arkansas, relocating to Oklahoma after a family farm accident that resulted in the death of her toddler brother—a moment she witnessed. ([00:00]–[02:12])
   • “I essentially witnessed my dad run over my little brother. It was a really horrific thing to witness, especially as a four year old.” — Tana ([00:38])
   • Immediate aftermath of the accident included neglect and further trauma, as Tana was left alone with a farmhand who had been abusing her.

2. Family Structure & Dynamics

   • A controlling, abusive father and a mother similarly caught in a pattern of domestic violence and powerlessness ([03:07]–[05:17])
   • Home births, financial struggles, and deep rural isolation; little to no exposure to the world outside family and the farm.
   • “My dad was like, I can do this. And the rest of us were born at home with like a midwife. Wow. … It was very dangerous.” ([06:35])

3. Forced Child Labor & Educational Neglect

   • After relocating to Oklahoma in 2000, all children stopped going to school at age six, becoming full-time laborers responsible for dairy & beef cattle, farm maintenance, chores, and domestic labor. ([03:07]–[05:14])
   • “Our entire lives were wake up, work, serve, a little bit of sleep. That was our entire lives. We didn’t get to like, study. I didn’t do any schoolwork.” ([08:12])
   • No homeschooling; oldest sister tried to teach her to read; often failed attempts amidst exhaustion and “parentifying” roles.

4. Escalating Abuse & Psychological Control

   • Frequent, brutal physical punishment for minor infractions; harrowing example: being beaten with a hammer for not keeping horses away from hay. ([10:59])
   • The guest recounts calculated deprivation, humiliation, and “spousification”:
   • “My dad jumped out of the pickup and grabbed me and was like, I can replace you, but I can’t replace that baby calf.” ([09:39])
   • Sexual abuse begins to surface, both from the farmhand and, later, her father—emergent memories, shame, and isolation are prominent. ([13:24]–[15:47])

5. Routine Neglect & Dehumanization

   • Poor hygiene, lack of medical care, irregular meals, and explicit emotional and bodily shaming.
   • Exposure to animal abuse as both a threat and a model of “replaceability.”
   • “The level of anger that I witnessed towards animals was insane.” ([15:51])
   • Children forced to eat raw milk out of necessity; “bacteria milk saved my life.” ([76:02])

6. Attempts at Escape, Family Dissolution & Systemic Failures

   • Mother, motivated by escalating violence and grandparent pressure, escapes the marriage with the children, resulting in transient periods hiding from her ex-husband. ([26:01]–[29:50])
   • Family court and custody battles fueled by small-town bias, bribes, and weaponized accusations; ultimately, the father regains custody—leading to renewed and intensified abuse, now without the mother as a buffer.
   • “All the things that I told the judge in confidence, my dad was able to get that information.” ([39:50])

7. Continuing Abuse, Isolation, and Failed Adult Interventions

   • Despite repeated, visible injuries and attempted disclosures, school staff, CPS, and therapists largely ignore or dismiss the reality of abuse ([45:33], [47:41]).
   • Family, community, and religious complicity; the guest highlights the duplicity of her father’s public persona versus home reality.
   • “He was like, I am God on this farm… you don’t think, you act.” ([48:10])

8. Sexual Abuse & Psychological Strategy for Survival

   • Detailed reflection on years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse; prolonged periods of being forced to sleep in the father’s bed ([57:54]–[95:02]).
   • Powerless to resist, she internalizes “play the game or kill yourself”—survival through emotional compartmentalization.
   • “He kind of, in a sense, spousified me. I was a child.” ([63:02])
   • Frequent mention of being drugged, manipulated, and parentally abandoned by those who could or should have intervened.

9. “Escape” & Academic Transformation

   • At 14, after intervention by new DHS workers, Tana is finally able to leave, re-entering formal education as a freshman in high school ([93:02]–[104:17]).
   • Overwhelmed but fiercely determined, she overcomes social isolation, academic gaps, and stigma, eventually going on to community college, and later, a university degree in animal science.
   • “I buckled down and went to tutoring every morning and every afternoon. … After a week of being in high school, I was like, I’m not going back to this.” ([104:19])
   • Notable teacher support and peer relationships—“She made school safe for me”—become new foundations for resilience ([110:04], [114:12]).

10. Cycles of Trauma and Recovery in Young Adulthood

    • Ongoing exposure to violence through family ties, and later, tumultuous romantic relationships echo dynamics from her upbringing ([128:58]–[137:24]).
    • Encounters with sexual assault, continued manipulation, and eventual breakups prompt further trauma but also spur personal boundary-setting, introspection, and growth.
    • “That was like probably one of the most liberating moments of my life. … Best thing ever. And yeah, now I’m hopefully going to get my PhD in a year.” ([150:24])

11. Finding Voice & Healing—Legacy and Future

    • Therapy, advocacy, and education become methods for breaking generational cycles of silence and shame.
    • The “gift of fear” and radical empathy: awareness of trauma, listening to intuition, and reclaiming narrative and community as superpowers.
    • “A victim with a voice is empowered. … The damn it. The worst part’s over. And now it’s all about healing.” ([157:00])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On shock and childhood trauma [00:38]:
  "I essentially witnessed my dad run over my little brother. It was a really horrific thing to witness, especially as a four year old." — Tana

• On forced servitude as a child [08:12]:
  "Our entire lives were wake up, work, serve, a little bit of sleep. That was our entire lives. We didn’t get to like, study. I didn’t do any schoolwork."

• On dehumanization and replaceability [09:39]:
  "My dad jumped out of the pickup and grabbed me and was like, I can replace you, but I can’t replace that baby calf."

• On community complicity [51:20]:
  "My dad, like, the way he is with people is. It’s trippy. So in public, he’s this, like, charming guy ... but then as soon as you, like, got him on his turf or, you know, tried to like hurt his image ... it was like a different human came out."

• On compartmentalization and survival [52:22]:
  "It was like, okay, so you have to play the game or you kill yourself. And that thought process started happening probably around the time I was like 8."

• On the cost of telling the truth [93:43]:
  "Every other time you all left, I literally got my ass beat because of what? Because of telling the truth."

• On reclaiming perspective and power [157:00]:
  "A victim with a voice is, like, empowered ... The worst part’s over. And now it’s all about your healing. ... Even if it just, like, inspires somebody to keep going, I’m like, that’s what’s worth it."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00] – Tana’s introduction & family tragedy
• [03:07] – Farm life: forced child labor, “school” ends
• [10:59] – First beating, realization of value as laborer
• [13:24] – Child sexual abuse surfaces
• [21:45] – Social isolation; siblings’ experiences
• [26:01] – Mother’s escape; family on the run
• [29:50] – Return to school; custody battle, father regains control
• [41:45] – Post-custody abuse escalates
• [57:54] – Spousification by father, sexual/psychological abuse
• [76:02] – Enduring starvation, malnourishment, and survival methods
• [93:02] – Rescue and removal: new DHS, return to school at 14
• [104:19] – High school transition, academic struggles and wins
• [128:58] – Strangulation and near-death experience
• [137:24] – College escape, abusive relationships, path to PhD
• [147:35] – Learning self-trust in relationships & academia
• [152:50] – Writing, therapy, and advocating for others
• [157:00] – The power of voice; message to survivors

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Closing Reflections

Tana’s account is equal parts harrowing and inspiring, marked by a relentless honesty about the horrors of her upbringing and the complexities of trying to break free. Access to education, the power of supportive peers and mentors, therapy, and her willingness to claim agency over her story ultimately provide a path away from the isolation and silence that enabled the abuse. The episode is a testament to the resilience of survivors, the necessity of visibility and advocacy, and the enduring importance of listening to one’s instincts.

For listeners, Tana’s concluding message is clear:
Not only does sharing her story serve her own healing, but “all it takes is one little person to make you just see something differently…to know this isn’t normal.” ([156:10]) Her hope is that no matter how alone, silenced, or trapped listeners might feel, there can be hope, connection, and transformation through speaking out.

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Content Warning:
This episode contains explicit accounts of childhood abuse, sexual abuse, and violence. If you or someone you know are affected, please seek support from qualified professionals or survivor networks.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Tana, and today I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my history as a child forced child laborer who missed fourth through eighth grade and is now getting a PhD. So I was raised on a cattle operation. We had both beef and dairy cattle. Some of my first memories were literally just like hanging out with livestock. We. So I was born in Arkansas and we lived there for about six years or so. The big push to move to Oklahoma was because there was a family farm accident that resulted in the death of my little brother. And so I essentially witnessed my dad run over my little brother. It was a really horrific thing to witness, especially as like a four year old.

[B]

So you were four, and how old was your brother?

[A]

He was two. And we were like the same size because I was a really like, stunted baby. I'm just like not big in general. Tiny girl. Yeah. And he was like the opposite. We were, we were very close. But that like, that was a very traumatic and like pivotal I'm sure thing to witness as a child. But then to take it one step further, when my parents. Cause like the accident happened, my mom like ran out. They picked him up and took him to the hospital and left me there on the farm with our farmhand. And like, I can reflect back now and offer some softness to myself, but at the time I was so scared because the farmhand had been molesting me. And so it was like, not only did I just like witness like this horrific event because essentially my dad had backed over my little brother's head, so there was like blood everywhere. And thankfully the doctor said that he passed like instantly or within seconds. So like, that gives me a little bit of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, comfort. And it was.

[B]

Is that your only sibling? It was just you two?

[A]

No, there's actually a whole litter of us. Okay. So I'm fourth. So I've been two older sisters, an older brother me, and then my little brother who's deceased. And then my dad knocked up one of his girlfriends when I was 15. Okay. And so there's like six of us in total. And then there's like step siblings, but I don't know, I don't really. But yeah, so that was like. That was really, really challenging for me. And the next memory I have is like at my little brother's funeral, I freaked out. I could not. I just remember being like, not understanding why. I mean.

[B]

Yeah, you were so young.

[A]

Yeah. And to see that is like, it.

[B]

It is very traumatizing.

[A]

And then it. It's crazy because like, after That I essentially have, like, no memories until it's about 15 months later when we were getting ready to move. So we moved from, like, Bentonville, Arkansas to Veneto, Oklahoma. So it's just, like, two hours away. And honestly, like, that's kind of when things really went downhill. My dad has always been, like, an aggressive. I don't know, I never felt safe or loved around my father. And so I think after, like, the death of my little brother and then the move, he kind of just, like, blossomed into, like, this even worse being. So we. In 2000, we moved to Oklahoma and we expanded our beef and our dairy cows. So by doing that, it essentially, that was like, me and my siblings life was. Was taking care of the farm. So after we moved to Oklahoma, I was six. We'd stop going to school, all of us kids. So that was in 2000. And a typical day for us would be to wake up milk cows, take care of all the bottle calves, all the weaned calves. And then me and, like, my sisters would cook. We would, like, do the laundry, we would wash the dairy towels. You know, we would go out, we would build fence, we would bail hay, and, you know, we rode horses, we took care of beef cattle. We had horrible fences. So almost every day I was on horseback, like, bringing. Bringing cows back into our property. And so, I mean, every day, like, we worked day in and day out. After we moved to Oklahoma, my dad, like, I said, he, like, I swear it was just somebody poured gasoline on his fire kind of thing. And I. I think a part of that is because we expanded our operation so quickly.

[B]

And what was your relationship like with your mom?

[A]

Yeah, so that's, like, complicated. I've always loved my mother. My mom and I have always been close. She has always been, like. When I say close, I can go to my mom and I can like, describe, like, for example, if I'm sick, my mom is really great at that. But, like, if I'm, like, emotionally sick. Right. It's just there's a disconnect. Yes. And so there's always kind of been that, like, void between us. But. And it's nothing against my mom. It's just like, my mom was also getting a lot of, like, my dad was really abusive towards my mom. Okay. And even in the context of their relationship coming about, like, my mom was trying to end things, and my dad wouldn't let her. And then she got pregnant. Then it's like, oh, well, you know, here you are. My dad is extremely controlling. And so, like, for example, after the birth of my oldest sister. My dad was like, I can do this. And the rest of us were born at home with like a midwife. Wow. And there was a really serious complication with my little brother. And had he not been born when he was, his umbilical cord would have like strangled him or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so it's just like, it was very dangerous and. But yeah, we were all born at home. My mom told me she was milking cows when her water broke with me literally nine months pregnant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like, she had to be like, hang on, like, I gotta get back to you guys later. I'm like, I'm sitting here thinking, like, dang, I'm weak. My gosh. Mom.

[B]

Yeah, that is funny.

[A]

Yeah. So like my, my dad, it was always normal for my dad to like berate my mom. And like, I watched him backhander multiple times, like, bloody her, like, lip. And it was all over, like, very trivial things. Like, for example, there was one time we were heading to go do some Sunday dinner and I had mismatching socks on as like a 7 or 8 year old. Which is normal. Yeah. Like, I was just a kid and I remember he got so mad at my mom. And we lived on like, it was about five miles of dirt road to get out to hit highway. And we lived about 20 minutes, 25 minutes away from town. And we were about four or five miles down the road and he kicked my mom out of the truck and made her walk in like middle of summer heat after she like milked all the cows and like gotten all of his kids ready and everything. All because I had mismatching socks, which, like, that definitely impacted me because I saw like, oh, I made one little mistake and now mom is going to have to walk.

[B]

It's like suffering for it.

[A]

Yeah. And so I just feel like his anger was just multiplying or I don't know. I don't know what his deal was, but it just like got worse. And so my. That's where it's like my connection with my mom was very much so, like, I need you to survive. Right. Like, and then, not to mention, my mom was a buffer. And so, like, when my dad would kind of come after his kids, my mom would definitely try to like, diffuse the situation. So it was about like 2002 ish. We had been living in Oklahoma for a couple years. We had a little over a hundred lactating dairy cows. And so that took quite a bit of time to milk because we only had. We could only milk 10 cows at a time. Yeah. And so like our entire lives were wake up, work, serve a little bit of sleep. Like, that was our entire lives. We didn't get to like, study. I didn't do any schoolwork. I remember. Were you homeschooled at all? No. My oldest sister was trying to teach me how to read and which, I mean, automatically, it's like parentifying her. And I remember I could not figure out what I was doing and she got so mad at me. I was just like, okay. But then it's also like 12 year old teaching, you know, like a 6 year old how to read. And that's not. And so there's definitely a lot of complexity in my relationship with my siblings. But around this time, so we'd been there for a couple years. I. This was a very pivotal moment in my childhood. We were. It was winter time and we had hay in the back of a pickup and we were flaking it off for like the cows and the horses. And the horses had come up and had started eating the hay and my brother and I were still like feeding it. And my dog got so mad at me because I didn't keep the horses back from the hay just because there was a newborn baby calf and the horses could potentially part it. And my dad, I won't ever forget this. My dad jumped out of the pickup and grabbed me and was like, I can replace you, but I can't replace that baby calf. And he had like reached into the flatbed and we had like tools and stuff and he grabbed a hammer and had like pushed me up against the side of the truck bed. And so like, I remember just like cold because it's winter time. It was like the. The metal was painful. It was so cold. And he just way, like, I mean, just put the head of the hammer in his hand and just beat me for the horses, like just coming up and eating hay. And that I like, that has always kind of like stuck with me. Mainly because it was like. It was like two weeks after that, like, I could barely sit on the toilet seat. And in that moment, I think I realized, like, oh, okay, I am here for one purpose and one purpose only, and that is to work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so like, there was no like love or no emotional connection. No. And I remember looking up and my brother was just like watching it happen, which, I mean, he was kid as well, but it was just like that that was the norm. And so, I mean, like later on that following summer, there was an issue with the cows and it had delayed my siblings. And I Feeding the bottle babies. And my dad was drilling seed in a. Like, a pasture. He could see us. So he could see that we were still feeding calves and we were supposed to be done and we weren't. And he called my mom, made her come out there, and he stopped the tractor and made her, like, discipline us because we were running late, which my mom was, like, really upset doing because she was like, I'm so sorry. And she, like, swung super fast and then just, like, kind of, like, barely made contact. And of course, like, us kids are crying because, like, mom doesn't ever do that. And I'm, like, confused because I'm like. We were like. When. The reason why we were late is because, like, my mom had an issue with the cows. We helped my mom. And so, like, my mom then, like, had that, like. I think. I'm assuming she probably had a lot of guilt about that. But that was like another, like, kind of just like another realization for me that was like, if you're gonna survive this, like, you. You've got to be. You've got to be smart. Like, you've gotta. You've gotta figure out. Essentially, I figured out what he wanted and what he liked, and I did that.

[B]

And I have a quick question for you.

[A]

Going back a little.

[B]

Did your parents know it all about you being molested by the.

[A]

No, the person. Okay. I, like, look back now, and it's like, oh, I just, like, just put that away in a box.

[B]

Also, once again, you were so young. How does a child comprehend or understand what is being done to them?

[A]

Yes. And then to take it one step further, my. This is weird, but, like, my dad always made us kids sleep in the same bed as him. So, like, I remember sleeping with my mom and my dad, like, as a child, because my dad would want us kids in the bed with them. Like, my mom didn't. My mom was like, please go. Yeah. She's like, get your sleep. And I like. And. And this is something that I. This is a memory that haunts me. But I, like, have this vivid memory of watching my dad have sex with somebody in the bed next to me as a child. And I remember thinking to myself, like, don't move your sleep. Like, just, like, close your eyes. Just don't, you know, like, it's not happening kind of thing. And I, like, I don't even. I. I don't even.

[B]

It wasn't your mom.

[A]

I don't know. I, like, I have just, like. It was quite literally, like, I opened my eyes and I could hear sounds and Then it, it was like my brain was like, okay, you shouldn't. Something was like, you're asleep. Just pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be asleep. Because, like, this isn't. I. I knew that it was something I shouldn't be. Yeah. Like, yeah. I was like, this is weird. I'm asleep.

[B]

And it's like, you know, I don't think. I mean, not that he really was caring about your well being, but even just seeing that like something not being done to you and it being your parents or if it was somebody else, who knows?

[A]

But.

[B]

Point is, like, it's still something that's so traumatizing. Like, I just feel like it's so confusing and I think in a way it almost does plant this seed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of like, what is that? Like, I feel even though I'm a child and I don't know what's happening, like, I can feel in my gut something's weird and wrong with this, but, like, it's not happening to me. I just think that there's so many different layers to that. And having a child be exposed to that at such a young age, that just.

[A]

Yeah. And, and, and, and it continues like.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And especially after my parents get divorced. Like, he was very weird about that. Like, he even wanted my youngest little brother and to, to sleep with like, him and his girlfriend in the bed. And my dad's girlfriend was like, why? Like, yeah, it's weird. I don't, I don't understand that. But it's like, it's something that like, still impacts me to this day. Absolutely. And I also want to mention. So my dad was like, extremely abusive towards animals. And like, he, like, he would yell and berate us kids and he'd like slam us around, and he was definitely abusive to us. But the level of anger that I witnessed towards animals was insane. Like, I remember being six years old and we had a Holstein steer in a chute. And I don't know what they were trying to do, but they couldn't get a hold of him. And my dad literally picked up a metal pipe and hit the steer over the head and killed him. And then our farmhand cut out the steer's tongue and went to go fry it. Like, this was all just happening, like, right in front of me. That moment was very much so. Like, okay, if you make dad mad, that's what's gonna happen to you. And so I think that that also, like that fear, like, seeing him treat animals the way that he did, like, that definitely impacted me. And like, I have always been an Animal person. Like my mom, she would tell me that she would lose me as a baby. Not, like, lose me, but, like, as, like, a toddler. And I would be out, like, sleeping in the horse's trough, like, trying to put my binky in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Our horse's mouth. We had this big old horse named Donk, and he was, like, the best kids horse. And I swear he was like a babysitter for me. And either that or, like, I remember one time my older sister got in so much trouble because she lost me, and then they found me sleeping with the dogs. So I've always been, like. I've always sought comfort in animals because they were my peace. Right before we moved, I went to pre K and I was given a chicken. My mom was so mad because the chicken came inside the house with me. Right. This chicken did everything with me. Yeah. Like, there's pictures of me eating cereal with a chicken. That was your baby? It was my baby. And then, like, being a little kid, I was like, oh, I think it's hot. And I put it in the freezer. My mom was very mad. It pooped everywhere, I'm sure. But, yeah, that's kind of always been, like, I've always been a lover of animals, and I've always sought comfort in animals. And so seeing the way my dad was with them. Right. Was really, really hard for me, especially when, like, our entire livelihood was dependent on livestock.

[B]

And just to clarify, so for some people listening. So your family that was. This was your business. So people would buy dairy and meat from you guys?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So we would sell. We sold our milk in bulk to local creameries.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And then we sell off our weaned calves, and we. We actually did a lot of advanced reproduction with our dairy cows. And there are quite a few Amish and, like, Mennonite communities in that area, and they would purchase a lot of our Holstein bulls. Okay. So, like, we had a lot of, like, diversified. A lot of diversification within the operation. But, yeah, like, our entire livelihood was kind of banking on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The farm.

[B]

Because I.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I wanted to clarify that because I know, like, if some people aren't familiar with, like, farms and the way it works, but even the comment that your dad made of, like, I can replace you, but not. It was a calf. Right.

[A]

Yeah, he can. Yeah, he. Yeah, he can replace me.

[B]

Yeah. So, like, and. And I feel like, like, in his mind, it just goes to show, like, all that mattered to him was, like, money, like, just, you know, keeping it all flowing.

[A]

Yep. Yeah, that's Very much so. He, like, he approached the farm as if, like, he was the warden and.

[B]

We were his little slaves.

[A]

Literally, we, my siblings and I would joke around and we're like, yeah, we're on farm arrest because we could leave. We couldn't go anywhere without permission. And, like, we didn't go to school. So it was literally just on the farm all the time. Yeah. And that was from 2000 to 2003. That was the normal, like, wake up work non stop. Yeah.

[B]

And I'm assuming you guys had no outside friends or anything.

[A]

And the only people that I knew were my family members. But. And so that I definitely think that that level of isolation really impacted my siblings. And I granted, my dad took my two older sisters showing, so they would take some of our nicest cows and then go compete and show them. So my sisters did get a little bit more socialization from that aspect. But then they also had to be around my dad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was gonna say, even then, it's.

[B]

Still not like a typical childhood at all.

[A]

No. And my sisters, like, they told me that my dad would essentially, like, they get the lifestyle taken care of and he would leave them in the hotel and go do, like, yeah, his own thing, whatever he wanted. And. And like, on one of those trips, my sister, my older sister, she's always been like a fighter like you, and she's the kind she'll cut you before you can cut her kind of thing. But she was fighting with a. Another boy there and had broken her arm. And it was like a serious break. And I remember my mom telling me that, like, there were multiple people who tried to tell my dad to go help my sister. And my sister was just sobbing. Right. And she's like 12 maybe. He ended up taking her to the ER and they're like, we're gonna need to do surgery on this because she broke both bones. My dad was so against it. He was like, why would we pay for that kind of thing? And my mom convinced him to let a new Feed representative who we just met, he works for, like, a company we buy. He works for the company we bought Feed from. Drive my sister home, like, two and a half hours at least. Like, they just met this man. And then on top of that, my sister's in a very vulnerable position and she's in a lot of pain. And my dad literally was just like, well, yeah, here, take her. It, like, he wanted her, like, out of sight, out of mind. And. And that. That was like, one thing that, like, actually really upset my mom. Yeah. I Because I was home with my mom, helping her do all the chores and stuff. My mom can be very vocal when she gets upset. So I heard a lot. And yeah, so that, that was like a big breaking point for my mom. And not too long after that is when they actually split up.

[B]

And how was that easy for her.

[A]

In the sense of like, did he go buckle up? So it was okay. So there's actually a few more things. So my dad was like blatantly abusive to us. Like, to the point that like, my mom's parents came over. And I won't ever forget this. My dad was screaming at me because I like, had missed a cow or something or I didn't get. Like, there was just something I didn't do. And I was like 8 or 9 years old. And I remember, like, he was just like, I, you know, he was yelling at me and he's like, I had to beat your ass. And I remember my mom's, my grandpa, my mom's dad was like, essentially he was like, you do not speak to your kids that way. Like, and then fast forward like a little bit of time. And like the same day my dad had backhanded my mom or something in front of my grandpa. And that's when my grandparents were, they told my mom, like, if you're gonna stay with him, we're gonna disown you because we're not gonna sit here and allow him to treat you and these kids this way. And that was when my mom was like, okay, wait, like, I gotta get out of here. And even my oldest sister asked my mom, she was like, why do you let dad treat you that way? And that's when my mom was like, oh, wait, okay, hang on. What am I teaching my kid here? Right? One day my mom went to go get groceries. And I vividly remember I was laying on the floor in my bedroom trying to read a book. And my mom came in and she's like, I'm leaving your dad. You have three minutes to get your things if you want to come with me. And of course, like, me and my sisters are like, I'll get in the car. Literally, I don't need anything. And so I just like threw things in a suitcase, which, like, looking back now, was like Barbies. And where was your dad?

[B]

Was he working?

[A]

So he was. Yes, he was on the property and he was about a half mile from the house, bush hogging. So he was like clearing out the field. And yeah, my mom was like, okay, like, if we're gonna leave, we have to do it now. And she had showed up with two sheriff's deputies, my uncle, my grandma. And so it was kind of like a little. It was like a. They came, like, they showed up with full intention of conflict.

[B]

Right, Absolutely.

[A]

And. But fortunately, we were able to get all of our things out, or not all of our things. Jesus. All of us. I remember my mom was so mad at me because I just left with no shoes. It's like, you're not leaving me. Yeah. So did all of the siblings go. So, yeah. So we all. I mean, within minutes, we, like, have our things. We're in the car, we're leaving. And my dad realizes it. My dad comes up to the house, and he's talking to the deputies, and he. I won't ever forget this because I was in my mom's car at the very, very back of the minivan, and I was looking out the window, and I was just sobbing because I was like, I don't know if I'm ever going to see my Calcian. And, like, that was my life with those. All of those animals were my life. I was, like, sobbing. And my dad calls my mom. We're driving. I mean, literally had just turned off the driveway and are driving down the road. And he told her. He's like, if you don't come back, I'm gonna kill myself. And I remember hearing, like, I remember hearing that because we all got silent when he called. And all my mom said was, I'll stay on the phone until I hear the gun go off. And I was like, damn. Ooh. And she's done. Yeah, well, I'm sure, too.

[B]

He was probably flipping out. Like, all of his little workers are gone. Like, what is he gonna do?

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's so weird. Hideout for six weeks in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I can't tell you whose property we were even on. My sister had just broken her arm. And so this was, like, a few weeks before this. Like, that was, I think, a big push for my mom to leave my dad. And we had to go to a doctor's appointment for my sister. And my dad had found out. And I won't ever forget this, because this was, like, the first time, first or second time we left that little trailer that we were staying in. And all I know is that, like, my grandma and my mom's boyfriend at the time are, like, rushing us out. The cops are showing up at the hospital. And I, like, didn't know what was happening. And, like, my mom. I think it was my mom that had stayed with my sister. Because they were. They were able to, like, keep my dad away from them. But then us, like, the other three of us kids had to go somewhere else with, like, my grandma, my mom's husband. And it was, like, looking back, I was so scared. I was so, so scared because I. I was like, he's gonna catch us. He's gonna catch us, and we're gonna have to go back out there. Fortunately, he didn't. And we. After staying there for a bit, we went to stay with my grandma. And that was. It was like, the first time. Like, I remember being like, okay, this is what it's like to be a kid.

[B]

And how old were you when you guys.

[A]

Nine. Okay, I was nine. And there's, like, two years between about 18 to 24 months between my siblings and I. Okay. So it was like, 15, 13, 11, 9.

[B]

So we were, like.

[A]

We were pretty young. But then, like, we. So we're staying with my grandparents. The divorce process starts, and it was long and grueling. My mom ends up enrolling us in school. I got put in as a second grader, and I'm nine. And of course, like, we all struggled. And on top of that, we are, you know, we are. I remember it was like, I was just waiting for the shoe to drop because it was like this limbo. And we had, like, started seeing my dad again. And during this time, my dad actually sold all the dairy cows because he couldn't keep a hired hand. So my dad has an issue with paying people. He wants them to work, but he doesn't want to pay them. And so nobody wanted to work for him. And on top of that, like, it's hard work. And so he had sold the dairy, like, the dairy aspect of the operation and invested in the beef. And so he bought, like, two semi loads of beef cows from the cell barn. And it's just like, anything and everything. Like, you get, like, whatever. And at that time, like, we had started doing visitation at his house. And I remember those cows were wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And because our livestock were, like, we could walk through the herd. Like, we could feed them and walk through them, and nobody would come at you. Like, they were all pretty calm and docile, but these cows would, like, eat you for breakfast.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You just remember being like, oh, this is a different game. Yeah, okay. This is a real rodeo. And like, there were times, like, we were processing them, so vaccinating them, deworming them all that. There were times where my siblings and I almost got severely hurt because we were. We didn't have the infrastructure to handle these freaking beasts. Yeah, literally. I mean, there were. There were cows that cleared our panels, and it was like, I guess we'll catch you next time. Yeah, it was. I, like, look back at it, and I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, the things that my siblings and I did for my dad is insane. But then also, to factor in all the times we almost severely got hurt, it's like, there are so many times I was actually talking to my friend about this on the way here. To her, it was like something in me told me to move, to do something, and. And it's like, I didn't think. I just did it. And it's like, had I not done that, I would be, like, severely injured if not dead.

[B]

And do you think that he had any remorse about what happened with your younger brother?

[A]

So that's one thing that's, like, really hard for me is because, like, so my dad has told people he, like, did it on purpose. So, like, he told my mom that something had to go. But the only time I really feel like my dad would talk about my little brother was in a manipulative way. So, like, for example, there was one time I put my foot down with him, and he was like, I can't believe you're gonna do this after all. With Tanner. You're gonna put me through this. It's like. Right. Like, he would use it when it was convenient for him. Exactly. And it was just. It is really hard. And that was, like, something that was always just. It was, like, a really, really sore spot. And then for me, there was, like, the extra level of complexity is the fact that, like, I saw it, and my older brother had told me it was my fault when I was 6 or 7. And that, I think, did something to me about that. It was. Yeah, it was. I mean, it was. It was. It was really, really hard. And that's, like, the heart. The hard part is, is it's. It's like, I don't know what's true and what's not in relation to, like, his why or, like, why he would even say, like, oh, yeah, I did that on purpose. Because, like, even if you didn't and it was a pure accident, why would you say that about your child?

[B]

He's sick.

[A]

Like, literally, like, why. Why would you say that about your child?

[B]

Right.

[A]

And it was declared an accident by the police came out. They declared my little brother's death an accident. We actually were able to donate his corneas and a heart valve, and we actually had received A letter from the family. So that, I think was really good for my mom. Yeah, that was my mom's baby. But I do want to mention this. And this, I think, drives home just, like, how careless my dad was. But when my little brother passed, the church that we were affiliated with set up, like, a fund for people to donate for, like, funeral expenses and things. And that money was supposed to go towards my little brother getting a headstone. And my little brother didn't get a headstone until 2013 or 2014, because my dad's parents ended up buying it because they were like, this little boy has been buried here since 1996 and. Or 1998, and he has a license plate as his, like, headstone. And I remember after my parents split up, I remember meeting my dad, like, my mom and I meeting my dad at the funeral home to discuss a headstone, but they never could settle on it. And then the money was just not there. So I don't know what my dad did with the money. But my grandparents ended up getting the tombstone or the headstone for my little brother years later, like, years later. So, like, to me, that just speaks to, like, where his concerns were. You know, he wasn't concerned with honoring his child. Like, what did you do with that money? And that was like $14,000 in 1998. So. And. And that's like. One thing is, like, it's so, so difficult around my little brother because he was the only child. My dad taught them how to get onto the tractor from behind, so up the hitch instead of on the side up the ladder. And so it's. So, yeah, it's hard because it's like, I don't know, like, what his intentions were, but I do know that my older brother was like the namesake, you know, like, he's going to be the one to carry on the family name. And so I feel like when my little brother was born, that added some competition or. Yeah, like, that took away from my older brother's light. So my parents are getting a divorce. And during this time, I was in school, and I remember thinking, like, I really don't want this to end. Like, I like school. I can do this. This is easy. I'm like, two plus two does equal four. And I actually got bumped up to a third grade reading level really quickly. Good. I. I found. I found some of my old school records, like, last year, and I was like, oh, my God, look at me. Look. Go. It was a big win in my book because my brother had to bump down to second grade reading And I'm like, yeah, but there were a lot of people who came out of the woodworks that lied on my dad's behalf in court. My dad had also made a hefty donation to the courthouse that was being built. In addition to that, my dad's attorney was, like, cutthroat and had a reputation for, I don't know, just being, like, a bulldozer, I guess. And then the cherry on top was that my mom's boyfriend was a felon. And that was where my dad was able to, like, really draw a lot of concern. And then, like, the financial aspect. My mom had four kids and was. I mean, like, she. I remember, like, we were on food stamps, and she worked so hard trying to provide for us. Like, worked all the time. And so I know that, like, the financial aspect definitely played a role. But I remember when we went in to talk to the attorneys, I was completely terrified. And I was honest when they asked me questions like. Like, this is what happens, you know? And the day that they made the custody decision, my principal called my sister and I into his office, and this is when my two older siblings had gone back and had started living with my dad. My dad would definitely, like, bribe us kids with things, and so that's what he did with them, too. And them two are kind of a pair of. So it kind of makes sense why both of them would stick together. But my oldest sister and I were kind of a pair as well. And I won't ever forget Mr. Money. The principal called us into his office and told us that my dad had got custody. And it was like. I mean, it was like my heart shattered. And it was like my sister and I just cried holding each other, knowing that, like, there was just hell ahead of us. Right. Literal hell ahead of us. It's crazy, because it's like we were. We. We were. We were so. We were so wrong. It was much worse than hell, it turns out. All of the things that I told the judge and confidence, my dad was able to get that information. So, like, after he got custody of us and after we went out to his place again, it was essentially like, well, you said right here, this. And in that moment, I was like, noted. Okay. Whatever you say is gonna come back. He's gonna find it. And that was really. That was really hard. Like, that my dad was. Oh, my gosh. It was like he. My mom had told me this after he got custody of us kids, he was like, Essentially, he told her, like, I won. I got the one thing you wanted. And so it was never about us kids. Yeah, it was just. Yeah, it was just about him, like, defeating my mom.

[B]

So did the abuse get worse when you guys moved back there?

[A]

Yeah, because we missed. We lost our buffer. Mom wasn't there, and the court mandated us to go to therapy. And that was very short lived because I, like, once again, was like, oh, yeah. Like, you know, he slams us around, and when he spanks us, he lines us up, makes us bend over and grab our ankles, and he takes, like, a pipe or a fiberglass stick to us. And if we lose grip of our ankles and, like, fall forward, we have to start over again. And I mean it. And then he. When he would get done, he would be like, this hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Like, I wouldn't have to do this if you just listened to me. And as a child, my whole time with this man, I remember every time, every time he would line us up, I. I just would hold everything in, and he would beat on us, and I would stand up and I would look at him and I'd be like, literally holding so much, like, anger and tears and pain in, and I would just be like, that didn't hurt. And then I walk away and go like, sob. Yeah. But I was like, you're not gonna break me, right? I'm not gonna see that. Even if you do break me, I'm not gonna let. And that would make him even more.

[B]

Mad, I was gonna say. I'm sure it did. Yeah.

[A]

It would make him even angrier.

[B]

And then when you guys all moved back there, he put you all back to work, I'm assuming full time.

[A]

So. Yeah.

[B]

And you were out of school again.

[A]

Yeah. So by the time that we had finished or by the time that we got custody, like, the custody was all figured out. We had just started. I had just started third grade. And so me and my sisters all, like, started the next grade of school, and my brother did it. My dad didn't make my brother go to school, and I was elated to go to school. I say, this is eight hours away from this place. Bye. And I mean, that was. That was challenging in and of itself. I was. So I started second grade at nine. That means I would have started third grade at 10. And this was in 2004, I'm pretty sure. So I finished third grade in 2005. And then that's when my dad. And so pause for a second while we were in school. My oldest sister, she's a fighter, man. And I, like, she knew she had a very Close attachment to mom, and I think that's what gave her a bit of security. But, like, there was one time my dad and her got into it because he, like, went through an underwear drawer and, like, threw out all of her thongs or something very weird. And we were in the milk barn. We were milking cows, and he grabbed her, like, by her arms right here and pushed her back against, like, some steps. And so we, like, really slammed her down. And the next day she went to school, and obviously there were visible bruises. And they did nothing. Nothing. If anything, I'm pretty sure they called and they talked to him. And then that just, like, made it worse. Yeah. And so it's like, anytime we talk to anybody, it always would come back on us. And. And that was where it was like, you know, how are we supposed to advocate for ourselves when every time it just, like, makes our situation worse?

[B]

Yeah. It's just easier to stay silent at that point.

[A]

Yeah. And of course, like, I was always a rule follower. I was always a really good kid. Not, like, I guess, like, in school. Like, I wasn't one of those, like, problematic. I'm like, yeah, no, it's like, I have fun. I'll do what you tell me. There was. I was in this art class, and this is something that haunts me to this day, but I was in art class for third grade, and it was during the holiday in May. Memorial. Memorial Day. Is that the holiday in May? Yeah. It was, like, a big honor for, like, people who had served in the military. And what they did was they had the American flag, and then they would have a stand in front of a light, and then they drew our outline around it so it was like, your head on an American flag. And they just drew it on black paper. And I came home with it, and I'm all like, look at my art. And my dad proceeded to call me an inward lover and, like, made fun of it and, like, made fun of, like, my nose and, like, just shredded it. And I, of course, was like. I was like, this is, like, the funnest thing I've ever done in my life. And he's just, like, stripping it from you. Yeah. And then, like, to, like, make matters worse, like, I think this is when Obama was, like, starting to run. And my dad is. My dad's, like, very racist. And so it was really uncomfortable for me. And that's how I was raised. And so, like, that language was very normal. My dad was just. He's just, like, despicable. That changed me. And I won't Ever forget. After the divorce finished, we had a child protective services worker come out once a month to just, like, check in on us, but he ended up just being friends with my dad.

[B]

And how often would you see your.

[A]

Mom at this point? Once every two weeks. And this. This is like. This is when my dad's control really started ramping up. Like, after he got custody of us, he was like, I can do whatever I want. Literally. Yeah, literally. And the reason why I bring up the CPS worker is because this guy was mixed. And my dad acted like he was his best. Oh, of course.

[B]

Because if it meant getting his way.

[A]

But then as soon as that guy would leave, inward this, inward that. And, like, I grew up hearing that, and it's like, naturally, as a child, I said it because I heard it. And then as an adult, I look back and I'm like, oh, my God, right now I. I can reflect and I can be like, oh, that was messed up. But I was a child raised that way. Literally raised that way. And. Yeah. And so that. And then, like, I remember because at this time, we started going to church, my dad was all acting like he was this Christian, and every Sunday we go to church, and he, like, put on this front, and it was like that. That's. That's like a whole nother thing is like. Because my dad, like, shoved the Bible down our throats, and he would constantly tell us, like, the Bible says you need to obey your father and mother. And he's like, but you just. You just obey me. Like, what I say goes. He was like, I am God on this farm. Right? And that was how he was with us. Like, he very much. He would tell his kids, you're a yo, yo. You go, you do what I tell you to do. You come right back. You don't think, you act, you come back, and then I will tell you what to do next. And, like, there were times and he would get really mad, and he would make us, literally, if we didn't say, yes, sir, daddy, he would backhand us. You had to say, yes, sir, Daddy or dad. Yeah. Yeah. Like, he. He, like, needed that.

[B]

Right? Like, to put him on that pedestal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All that control and power.

[A]

Yeah. And. And so when you think about, like, the dynamics between. Because it was my dad and us four kids, and, like, my oldest sister, my dad kind of watched himself with her because she was very close to Mom. And because of that, he would monitor. So, like, if my mom called, he would listen in on our conversations. So I couldn't have, like, an actual Conversation with my mom. If we called her when he wasn't home and we didn't delete it off the phone and he found it, we would get in trouble. And then at the end of the month, he'd go through the phone bill and see who was calling who. So it was very controlling. And, like, the only person that I was allowed to communicate with was my. My mama, Joe. So my dad's grandma, or my. Not my dad's grandma, my dad's mom, we had, like, a court mandated therapist. She ended up telling my dad everything. Okay. And that was also another, like, traumatic moment in my life because he slammed me up against the side of the car and told me to keep my mouth shut. And so I was like, okay, you can't tell anyone. No one can save you. Not even this person that's literally getting paid to listen to you. Which I think she had a thing for my dad. And I looked back and it was weird, like, the way that they would just hang out afterwards and his kids would have to wait in the car. I was like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And my dad, like, the way he is with people is. It's trippy. So in public, he's this, like, charming guy. And like, at church, everybody was like, your dad's so cool. Your dad's so nice. You guys. You guys don't have to go to school. And you have, like, all of these ATVs and, you know, you have all this property. And my dad would always put on, like, I'm so fun. I'm so cool. But then as soon as you, like, got him on his turf or, you know, tried to, like, hurt his image or take away that control, he would. It was like a different human came out. And that was like, a really big challenge of my childhood was dealing with people who would be like, your dad's so cool, right?

[B]

And on the outside, it looked like that for people.

[A]

And that was. That was hard because I wanted to scream and I think. So, like, backtrack a couple years. There were a few things that happened that kind of made me realize, like, I think, like, this is a him thing. But I knew that I couldn't get out of the situation. And it was like, okay, so you have to play the game or you kill yourself. And that thought process started happening probably around the time I was like 8 or so. It was like, okay, if things get bad, I'm just gonna kill myself. Cause it's easier than continuing doing this. And so, yeah, my dad had gotten custody of us. We are like, I'm finishing up third grade, and then my two older sisters. Like, my older sister's finishing up eighth grade, and then my oldest sister was finishing up tenth. So during this time, we hadn't bought back the dairy cows. So it was. We were still doing work, but it was kind of like a. Easier. Ish transition period. And then my dad bought back the dairy cows, and we started doing. Started milking again, actually. I'm gonna see if there's anything else I want to mention.

[B]

You're good.

[A]

In regards to, like, the divorce and. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This was another big push why my dad got custody of me. I think my mom's husband had a Rottweiler, and it was definitely, like, a guard dog. It, like, lived on a chain. You didn't get close to him. And my mom told me to go pick up a plastic bottle that was in the yard. And I remember thinking, like, mom, the dog has access to me. And she was like, just get the bottle. I was like, okay. And as I was getting the bottle, the dog had, like, lunged up and bit me in the stomach. And thank God I have cat like reflexes. As I was like. And like. Because I did that, he only really caught my skin. But that. That was a really pivotal moment for me. Not only, like, that was the first time I've ever really been scared by a dog like that. But then not even 10 minutes after that dog bit me, he was dead. My, like, stepdad shot him in the head because of that. And so then I had, like. I felt guilty because it's like, well, no, like, I. I went into his space. We knew we're not supposed to be in his space, but mom told me to go into his space.

[B]

Everything just was, like, so cold and transactional.

[A]

Like. Yeah.

[B]

There was no in between for anything.

[A]

Yeah. And that, of course, like, I cried for hours. Yeah. And my mom just thought I was upset about the getting bit, but it was like, no, like this.

[B]

It's a lot.

[A]

Yeah. And, like, the dog, like, we had to have that dog because my dad would just come around. That was, like, our protection. Not long after that, my mom moved to a different house. And so she. When my mom left my dad and, like, she got a job, she started working for the detention center. My mom flourished at this job, like, I'm telling you, was so good. It so good. But in that she worked nights a lot of times. And there was one morning she woke up and she called her boyfriend. At the time, I don't think they were married. She was like, why did you burn the Yard. And he was like, what do you mean? I didn't burn the yard. So we're pretty sure my dad lit the yard on fire to try to, like, catch the house on fire, knowing that my mom was in there because she worked nights. And, like, our house was six miles away from where her. Where she worked. So, like, if she wasn't at the house, she was working. Yeah, at the facility. Either that or she was in the hayfield with her second husband slash boyfriend. He was a mechanic, but then he also bailed hay during the summer, and he was problematic in his own ways. After my dad had gotten custody of us, he had started dating a woman named. A woman. She's very sweet. I immediately thought to myself, like, this isn't gonna last because she's way too good for you. And she also, like, he was on his best behavior with her, and that's why I was like, this isn't sustainable. Like, and she didn't have to go out there and help us work. And I was like, this ain't gonna last. And it didn't. It didn't. But she. She made my life a lot easier during the time that she was with my dad. And my dad was nicer to us kids. I mean, he was mean to her kids. Very mean. But, like, I am very thankful for her because she advocated for, like, us girls and our needs. Like, I remember she took me to the dentist, which I was like, oh, my God, this amazing. And, yeah, like, she was just a really sweet, really, really sweet woman. I actually. She gave me a necklace with a T on it, and I wore it all up until it broke a couple years ago. Just because she was such a sweet person. Yeah. But when he was with her, he definitely was on, like, better behavior. But when she wasn't there, it was.

[B]

Like, back to his ways.

[A]

Back to his ways. And they didn't. They didn't last too long. But I was very, very thankful for her because. Because of her presence in his life, we got to be kids for a little bit. And, like, she took her kids to a theme park in Missouri. Branson, Silver, Dollar City. Steal your dollar City. I'm just kidding. But so, like, experiencing that was amazing. Like, and even though my dad was being insanely controlling while we were there, I, like, was just like, oh, oh, wait. Like. Like, this is what it's like to not have to, like, constantly think about what. What needs to be done next. And I. Yeah. So I'm just very, very thankful for that girlfriend. She made a. She made a huge difference, which was why we were so sad that it ended. But we were all like, yeah, we knew this was gonna happen. It's just a matter and in between. So this is. This is where I guess you could say my dad kind of started going rogue. And like, what I mean by that is he just kind of did whatever he wanted. And so when he doesn't. When he didn't have a girlfriend, he would make me sleep with him. And this had started happening after my oldest sister turned 18 and left because she was kind of like my safety blanket. I shared a room with her. And he knew that whatever he did, my sister would tell my mom. So he definitely treated us better. With my older sister around, I was like, bless, whatever works. And I definitely, like, clung to my older sister as a lifeline, mainly because, like, my two older siblings were always just assholes to me. I mean, there's no other way to put it. And like, I was the unintentional baby and I don't know what it was, but they just like despised me, which is fine. That's their own thing to deal with. And I know that, like, how my dad played us kids against each other definitely played a role in that. And that's why, like, my relationship with my siblings is extremely, extremely complex. But so during this time, he, you know, he'd always, like, he made his kids sleep with him, like when we were little. But then, like, when he had women in his life, we were like, kind of like off duty, so to speak. But after my sister left, this was different. And I remember I would like, go to bed early as like a 12 year old, in addition to the fact that we were freaking tired from working all day, and he would come in there and pick me up and carry me down the hall and my siblings would just watch. And that, that happened. I mean, he, like, he would get upset if I didn't want to sleep with him. And there's like a lot that I don't remember. Like, after a certain point, it's just like underwater, like memories, I guess. But that, that, I think that was what kind of broke me because we were so involved in the church and I was constantly being taught. I was like, right around 12, like, purity and like saving yourself for marriage and all these other things. And then, yeah, like, my father would literally, like, take me to his bed and I couldn't. It's like my brain could not process that. And so it was just like, like, did he do stuff to you? Yes. Yeah. And like, initially it was just like this cuddle thing. But, like, I do have some, like, birds of memories. And it was like. It was. It was sexual. Like, I fell asleep with my dad's genitals on my back. Like, from what I remember. I don't backtrack. I didn't fall asleep. It just. I literally black out. Yeah. And actually, there's one thing that I forgot to mention. So my dad is really big into herbs, and he was constantly, like, giving us, like, all sorts of pills. And this is something that I have always thought, but I've always wondered if he was potentially drugging me. And I say that because I'm not a heavy sleeper. And I would wake up. This was always the confusing part. It's like I would wake up in a position as if I was crawling away from him, like, in the bed. And every time I slept with him, he always let me sleep in, which we didn't get to do. Yeah. And so there's just a lot there that I really haven't been able to process. Yeah. And, I mean, for years, I felt so incredibly shameful, and I wanted to, like, crawl out of my skin. And that's, like, the. That is something that is, like. That is the one thing that is just, like, I can't, like, wrapping my head around it is so hard. And. And. And then to. To take. To take matters further. After, like I said, after my oldest sister left, he kind of acted bad free range. And my dad had always commented on me because I. I'm pretty different from the rest of my siblings. I'm very petite and blonde. And, like, my oldest sister is a little bit bigger than me. She's also petite. But then, like, my two middle siblings are, like, brown hair, brown eyes. Like, there are a little Stockier. I'm, like, 5 inches shorter than my sibling. So I'm always just, like. I was always just a little bit smaller. But my dad loved that. My dad would constantly, like, bring up my body. It was, like, a normal occasion for him to, like, slap my ass. And it wasn't just like, a slap. It was like he would, like, grab your cheek. Like. Like, his hand would, like, slide into your crack. Like, it was weird. And then, like, he. He was very critical of our bodies. Like, he would leave bruises from pinching us so hard. Like, he would pinch our little, like, your natural little pouches, you know, little, like. And leave bruises. Or he'd, like, pinch us in the butt and leave bruises. And he was just constantly talking about our bodies. And my older sister is much stouter, and she has a completely different body. Type than I do. And he, like, shamed her for that body type. And I mean, like, he'd go up to her and just be like, look at this chubby ass. Like, like, you're running duels, like, things like that. Like, just disgusting things that, like a nobody should tell anybody else but, like, be not a dad to his daughter. And so that, I think, definitely impacted things. And my dad would call me, like, his little Barbie and he'd tell me that I was going to take care of him when he got old. And, like, that was my role. And, like, he was essentially, like, determining my future for me. And that has like, really impacted me because he kind of, in a sense, like, spousified me, if that's a thing. And I was a child. But the. The problematic thing to that was that I knew if I was going to survive, I had to play the game. And I knew that if I did what my dad wanted, I would be safe. And so by him doing that to me, kind of enabled this, like, like wide open path for him, kind of just doing whatever he wanted. And. And that was really. That was really hard. Those, like, few years, I felt so incredibly trapped and isolated. And I didn't understand, like, why my siblings didn't have to sleep with him and why it was just me. And then, like, I didn't understand, like, why I had to take care of him. And, you know, and. And then he also, like, he had me give him massages all the time. Like, I would take his shoes off for him. I would help us take his pants off because he'd be sitting in his recliner. And like, I remember my sister and I would cook. I'd have to make his plate, and if he didn't like it, I'd have to go back and fix it and then come back and like, that he was like. He like, attached himself to me. It was. It was so weird. I hated it because I felt like I was a servant. Like, I literally. I mean, I was like, I literally was. I spit in his food so many times. So many times. Me and my siblings, we heard that, like the, the eye lubrication, Visine or whatever, we're like, oh, that might give you diarrhea. We're just gonna give him all of this because we were. We were tired, we were miserable. And like. No, okay. He was, we were disappointed. He, like, was giving us so many pills. Like, there were times where I would take 15 to 20 pills in one setting. Like, he would give us like, echinacea, like grapefruit seed Extract, like all sorts of vitamins and all these like extra things which looking back now, my body probably wasn't prepared to like handle all of that, like mineralization essentially. And so I think that that has impacted my bodily functions. But that was also like another point of control. And he would watch us take the pills. Like, like he would, he'd make sure we, we did it. Which makes me really think that there was something else there. And then to take that one step further, a few years ago my dad actually told my brother that he could go to jail for what he did to my sister and I, which is like an admission of guilt. So yeah, like during this time there's just like, he's just like going rogue search dating this. He dated a few women in this time. And he had purchased a horse that had foaled when he was away. And I had never pulled a horse before. Like, I've pulled mini cubs, but I haven't ever pulled a horse. So I called the neighbor who has horses because like my dad was gone and I was a 12 year old trying to milk cows and take care of an entire operation with my brother and also figure out how to birth a horse because it's a little different from a cow. And the neighbor came over and essentially tied a rope to the horse's foot and just like yanked it out. And I think when he did that, he probably caused a uterine tear because the horse, the mayor, died within like 24 hours. And my grandparents, so my dad, parent. Anytime my dad went anywhere, his parents came and watched us and essentially they would feed us while we worked. So we loved it because we could do the work, but then we would get food. Yeah. And like, food we wouldn't have to prepare. And it was amazing. And anyway, so I'm taking care of this baby horse and we get like colostrum for it. I'm feeding it every three hours for a month straight. I am with this horse every three to six hours. This horse is my baby. It was born two days before my birthday and my mom, I hadn't seen her because I was, I had to have my horse. Like, I had to feed my horse every three hours. And my mom got really upset because I wasn't coming to see her. And she put her foot on and she was like, you know, come see me this weekend. And like, your dad can take care of the horse kind of thing. And my dad fought it, but ultimately he was like, yeah, like go see. Like, essentially he was like, I guess if that's what you want. You go see your mom. And I came back on Sunday and the horse was dead. So I don't know if he just didn't feed it. I don't know. But that. That broke me. I mean, that shattered me. I was so, so close to that horse. And like, the most upsetting part about it is that, like, my mom would have let me take it with me. She was literally, like, just put in the back seat and he wouldn't. He wouldn't let her. And I just. It was. I mean, that was like. That did something to me because it was completely unnecessary. But I think, like, he was trying to teach me a lesson and. And that's kind of how his lessons were. And I also want to, like, take a moment and explain. We were, like, not properly fed, so a lot of times, like, we wouldn't get breakfast. And I would just go out to our bulk tank and get, like, a cup of milk from the bottom of the tank. And bear in mind, this is milk that's raw straight from the cow. And there are. There are so much bacteria in this milk. And, like, that plays into, like, my current health issues. But I am so incredibly thankful for our dairy because if I didn't have, like, the couple two to three cups of milk that I drank every day, I, like, I probably would have been way more malnutritioned. And so, like, honestly, like, having milk say, like, save my life. I'm like, we're working, but at least I can have, like, a little bit. Yeah, yeah, my bacteria milk, which now it's so funny. I saw a gastroenterologist and he was like, so you have ga. You have bacteria in you that's found in ruminants. And I'm like, well, let me tell you. Yeah, buckle up. And so we would eat. Usually we would eat lunch, which my dad was crazy about, like, food consumption. So he didn't let us eat. He, like, wouldn't let us eat a lot of carbohydrates. So, like, we always had, like, meat, potatoes, and, like, that very dense diet, which is fine. At least we. We had food. We would eat at, like, noon after working all morning and then work all afternoon. And, like, the, like, these are just like a handful of things that we did constantly. But, like, we rebuilt fence, which would entail clearing out all sorts of trees and everything and then putting in, like, five, six wire. Barbed wire fence. We broke horses. Like, My dad bought 11 horses, and I think only three or four of them were broke to ride. And so my siblings and I had no idea what we were doing. We got told, like, make those horses rideable. All right, first things first. We gotta put a halter on them, I guess. And so. And, like, me being the lightest, I was the first one thrown in the saddle because I was the next heaviest saying to a feed sack. And, like, there were a lot of situations to where I. I, like, could have been severely hurt. And on top of baling hay. So we bailed hay on our own property, and then we bailed hay on other properties. We also had. There were periods of time to where we had multiple locations. So we, like, rented property on other grounds. So we'd have to go and check those cows and count them, make sure everybody's there. We, like, would ride and, like, for hours and bring our cows back in off of the ranch behind us, which I'm sure those guys were probably so tired of us. And then, not to mention, it's just like, four kids, three kids out there, like, just bringing in cows. We're like, I don't know. That's what dad wants to do. And then, like, my dad would make us pick thistles. So those really big thistles with the purple heads that, like, have the little, tough little seeds that come off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We would wear leather gloves, and he'd make us grab those heads and we collect them. And that, like, that was so painful because the thistles would poke you through the gloves there. I mean, there were just so many things like that that we were just working constantly, and then even when we got to play, it was still work, you know? And even if we were playing, we were so, so exhausted that it was just, like, the tiniest little, like, blip of joy. So this. This was kind of the tip, the norm from 2005 until 2008. And I. During this time, like, I had, like, really thrown myself into church. That was, like, the one thing we were allowed to read was the Bible. So I would read the Bible. And I kind of. I think a part of me threw myself into it as, like, an escape. And I was like, well, I can read this, and he'll leave me alone. And this makes him, like me more because I'm reading the Bible. And. And so I definitely, like. I guess you could say I became, like, pretty religious. And not, like, pretty religious, but it was, like, my escape.

[B]

Yeah, that's all you really had.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And. And then, not to mention, like, the youth group was my only social interaction, but, like, what I realized was, like, because of how I approached my relationship with my dad, like, do what he wants to keep him happy. That then made him like me more, I guess. Like, but I was doing it to survive. Yeah. Versus, like, my siblings would push back. I wouldn't. The only time I would push back is when I knew I had, like, evidence to support whatever I was pushing back about.

[B]

But why push back if you're not going to be able to get out of it?

[A]

Exactly. Exactly.

[B]

Useless.

[A]

Like, there was one time I was cleaning the dairy barn and there was a bunch of feed that had gotten spilled. And like, bear in mind, like, every day, twice a day, I was in this barn, I was with these same cows, milking them. Like, I could stand at the back of the barn and I could. We named all of our dairy cows. I could call the cows by their names. Like, they. Like, I. Like every day I was with these cows and I washed this grain down the drain because I was like, I don't want to clean it up. And I knew it was the wrong thing, but he got so freaking angry with me because of that. And he took a metal or he took like a board with a couple nails to me, and like, the nails were like bent into it, so it's not like it was like stabbing me. But that was like the last time that I ever, like, did anything like that. Like, I knowingly would disobey him. And that was also a big learning point because I realized I was like, okay, wait, my two other siblings can do similar things. But also during this time, you know how I mentioned my dad bought like a couple semi loads of those crazy cows?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So that then changed, like how we managed our livestock, because typically we would gather our animals and process them, so vaccinate and do like, whatever herd health management we needed to do. Which I look back now, and it was all like, not correct, but in that our cows became incredibly hard to handle. And my dad would make us run and like, chase these cows on 400 acres. And when I say like, run, like, he would be in. So we fed cows and these like 70s modeled Chevy pickups. And he would be in the pickup driving beside us, like, chewing us out. And there were times to where he would jump out of the pickup and like, leave it in, like rolling and then be like, look, see, like, you know, and. And like, for example, if there was like a cow, he'd like run and like push her and then get back in the pickup and be like, look, look. Look at what I can do. And. And that like, that was hell. Those days were literal hell. I remember it was non stop running because we had so much brush. And so it's like, he. You can only go so far on, like, ATVs. And our horses, like, at the time weren't broke to gather livestock. And so, I mean, us kids literally ran on foot. And he would berate us for not running fast enough and, like, wearing, like, jeans and shoes that aren't, like, running shoes. Yeah. Like, they're, like, boots and, like. And there were times to where we had a creek that snaked through our property, and I would. Like, in the summertime, the creek would stop running. So just be, like, pools I would run into, down into the creek beds to, like, check for cows. And I would stop and just, like, lap some water up real quick. And this water the cows had stood in. And, like, I was gonna say the.

[B]

Water probably caused issues, too.

[A]

And, like. But I was so thirsty. Yeah. That I was like, I don't care. Like, I don't care. And it's like. It's like my mouth. I just won't ever forget, like, how dry. Because we're running in the. In the heat in the summertime. And then, not to mention, like, these cows would turn around and they would charge you. And so then there's also the aspect that's like, okay, well, if I'm exhausted and I'm running, I have to strategize to make sure that I can get myself to safety before a cow gets me. And so that. I mean, those were literally horrible days. My dad would hit cows with the pickup. Like, he would run them over or break their legs, and then we'd have to kill him because he didn't want to deal with a broken leg. And it would be our fault, of course. Yeah. And so, like, I mean, those. Those days were literal hell. Those were days to where, like, my siblings and I, we'd be working, and we, like, wouldn't have any food in us. There were times to where, like, we would stand back up and just, like, pass out because we're exhausted. And my dad doesn't ever feel that way because he's in the pickup. You know, we're out in the sun, like, running around, which, like, looking back now, I'm like, that's weird. But then after we got the cows gathered, we then would have to, like, process them. And that was, like, always. I mean, I. All of us kids just dreaded this process because my dad would get so violent. And so, like, a lot of times when we would work our cows, we would check how many teeth they have that, like, tells you their age. But then also if depending on the condition of their teeth, that can impact how they're able to eat. And I won't ever forget this. There was this one black cow we were trying. My sister was trying to get. So I catch her nose to look at her teeth, and she had, like, headbutted my sister naturally. And my dad took a pipe to this cow's head and, like, hit her a couple times. And he was cussing this cow out, and she collapsed. And the cow is just sitting there, like, trembling. And my siblings and I, like, all of us are just, like, silently looking at one another because it's like, okay, we don't say anything. Like, you know, just let the situation diffuse. And they had to use, like, the cattle prod to try to get her to get up, and she couldn't stand. This cow ended up, like, crawling out of the chute, like, some 30 minutes later, and we put her off in a side pin by herself. And the next day we came back and we went to let her out into the pasture. We, like, put her calf with her, just because I'm like, I'm pretty sure she has a TBI now, so we need to just, like, let her collect herself. And then my dad, of course, was like, okay, let's keep working, like, leave her kind of thing. But the next day we came back and my dad was like, watch out. Like, she might try and get you. And I was already on higher alert because, like, of what just happened the day before. And I was walking towards the cow to push her out of the pen, and my dad was going towards the gate, and that cow made a. Like, literally ran straight from my dad. Straight from my dad. And, like, he opened the gate and, like, obviously, like, was fine and unharmed and just stepped around the side of the gate. But that stuck with me. I was like, she knew. She knew.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

She knew. Yeah. She knew who. Who did that. And that was. That was how he treated a lot of cows. And that was really hard. It was really, really hard because, like, I, like, genuinely, like, loved the animals. And then, like, then we would have to go and either, like, kill the ones that were hurt or, you know, because of his actions. It was. It was senseless. Yeah. And then whenever we would process the calves so we didn't have a shoot for calves, my dad would make my siblings and I push them, like, physically down the alleyway that we would work our cows in, and then we would restrain them in the same chute that we would restrain our cows, but we had to hold them in place because it Went to. It was too big. And because of that, like imagine, you know, holding a 200, 300 pound calf and they're just stomping on your feet and you're pushing them in and like their heads, depending on how big they are, their heads can catch a little, but they can still like pull out. And like you're completely like it's on you to hold this animal in there. And that was how we processed all of those calves. And we would rotate between who was pushing them. I think when I hit 11 or 12, I started castrating because I was small and I can fit in behind there and it was just tail over the back and me behind these calves. And there were times to where like I almost got my face bashed in. And like doing this, this was incredibly dangerous. And we also like shouldn't have been castrating when they were that old.

[B]

Were you doing it with a rubber band?

[A]

We a scalpel.

[B]

Wow. So you guys were just going in and slicing?

[A]

Yes. So I would. I am like, like as a child, I was incredibly good at castrating. That's. Cause I had to be. Had to be quick. Yeah.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

And I look back and there were so many times, like so many times. And yeah, that was, that was, that was, that was really challenging. That was, that was hard. It was hard work. I mean it was. There were days.

[B]

What a job.

[A]

Yeah. Like there were days to where we would be covered in bruises just from, I mean, working. Like it was just constant. I also wanted to bring up that we like seldomly washed our bedding because we didn't really have a mom and like our bedding would go like months without being washed. I would also re. Wear my clothes because I didn't have enough or I didn't like, you know, couldn't wash them like some deal. Like I look back and there were days where I would wear clothes for like three or four days and we were working every day, but it was like, well, this is easier and this is more sustainable than me. So he didn't really have a care.

[B]

For like hygiene or cleanliness for you guys?

[A]

No. So my dad very much so is like handed down. Didn't want to buy anything new. Now in particularly with us three girls, my dad in regards to hygiene would give us 10 minutes and we had to shower together, all three of us girls in 10 minutes. And there were so many times that I literally went. I fell asleep with shit on me. Just because like we are three girls in one shower and we've been working all day. Outside? Yeah. Like, that's not a lot of time. And then this is also something that I have to share, and it is fucking bonkers. But my dad has this, like, obsession with shit. And, like, how our house was set up. The bedrooms were down a hallway, and there was a hallway bathroom. So you had to walk past the bathroom to get out of the bedrooms. And my dad, every morning would poop with the door open and just, like, have his hand over himself. And he would be like, come on, guys, you have to go out there. You have to work. And it was like a game to make us walk past the bathroom. But then second to that, if, like, he had, like, already gone, he wouldn't flush and he stop. Would grab us and, like, drag us in there. There were so many times to where I literally, like, he almost dipped my face into his feces. It would be like. I was literally like, I am telling you every fiber in my being. And he's just laughing. He's laughing. It was so sick. And he, like, thought it was a joke. Like, And. And then to. To take things further, our septic was, like, super messed up. It, like. And so a good number of, like, a good amount of the time I would have to go outside because our sister, like, septic system wasn't working. Which honestly was safer for me because there was no privacy in the house. So, like, when. When, like, for example, I would be in the shower, it was totally normal for my dad to just open the door and be like, hey, did you. Did you, like, lock this gate or did you feed these animals knowing that I've done it every fucking day? Like, of course I did it. But you don't have to, like, look in the shower. You don't have to come in the bathroom. Yeah, but I realized it was just control. Like, if I wanted privacy, I had to lock a door. But then if I locked a door, I had to explain why I locked the door. That was the control thing. And it was like. I mean, he would just, like, walk in and we'd have to be like, dad, we're changing. Stop. Like, any. Well, come on, we gotta go. What are you doing? And it's like, okay, well, you don't have to keep walking in the room. Like, you're deliberately doing this. Like, you're deliberately wanting to see your daughters like this. And so it was, like, all around. So it was like all day we worked with him and then we were in the house. We had to, like, serve him, or I'd have to, like, sleep with him. Or we Would go to church. We had to be around him, listen to people, like, tell us how great he was. And so it was just like, non stop. I mean, it was all too consuming.

[B]

And this went on until you were how old?

[A]

Until 2008. I was 14. And I remember. So the DHS worker that was originally coming out to check on us stopped, and two women came out. And typically when the Department of Human Services would come out, they would interview us in the house. And I'm like, I'm not gonna say anything because you leave. You leave me here with him. And every other time. Yeah, every other time you all left, I literally got my ass beat.

[B]

Because of what? Because. Right, because of telling the truth.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. But these two women were like, no, we're going to talk to your kids in our car. I was like. And I honestly, I didn't have to say anything. She pulled out a math book and forget, this is a fifth grade math book. She was like, can you do this? It was like a cross multiplication question. And I was like, no. Literally, I was like, I can add them, maybe I can. I can castrate things, but I can't do math. Literally cut some balls off. That's about it. I'm like, I can tell you how to milk all these cows, I can feed all this livestock, but I don't know what the that is. But she was like, you. You don't know? And I was like, no. She's like, do you know how you would approach this? And I was like, no. Cross multiply.

[B]

And you were once again out of school at this time?

[A]

Yep, I was 14. Yeah. So I had been out of school for about three years. Okay. And so, like, I had finished third grade in 2005. And then he pulled you out? Yep. So then that kind of kick started everything. And I'm pretty sure my mom was the one who called the hs because she had finally paid off her attorneys and was able to get another one to try and get custody of me and my brother.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I do want to go back to something I just remembered. After my dad had, like, started making me sleep with him, I, like, initially, I didn't understand. And the only person that I could really talk to was my dad's mom. And I remember being like. And this is like a time or two. It was just after it started, I was like, I was telling her that, like, he makes me sleep with him. And she was like, okay, well, we'll just get him a body pillow. So she gets him a body pillow and my dad loses His. And I'm sitting in her car because, like, I had. I was with her for, like, a day or something, and we, like, met somewhere so my dad could take me back home. Actually, no. I'm pretty sure I was leaving church camp, and I had stayed with her while I was going to church camp. And so this is after church camp. She goes to give him this body pillow, and he gets so mad. He, like, tells her to mind her fucking business and all this other stuff. And I go to get in his car, and he slams me up against the side of the car. And he's like, I ought to beat your fucking ass. And he's like, why the fuck would you tell anybody that? And I was like, okay, well, I guess I'm not going to say anything, but my mama. Joe. So my dad's mom essentially told me to keep my mouth shut because it would break up the family. So I did. And, like, looking back now, that's incredibly up. But then to, like, take it one step further, she's also, like. She shoved a religion down our throats and, like, shamed me for, like, being a child and, like, put that responsibility on me when it wasn't mine to carry. Like, she should have been a. Like, she should have protected me. She should have protected me, and she didn't. And there's no excuse for that. I, like, that was something that, like, I really, really had to, like, become okay with because I was. I was let down, like, big time. And then. So that was, like, right around the time I was, like, 11 or 12. And then also around this time, I just realized I got kicked in the face by my show heifer. So I had, like, a severe concussion. I had nine stitches. You could see an entire hoof mark on my face. I had blood coming out my freaking nose, ears, like, the whole nine yards. And that also, I think, kind of kick started things with my mom, at least with her, like, trying to get custody of us. It looked really bad because I showed up to my mom's family reunion. Yeah, like, four or five days post getting, like, yeeted in the face. Oh, my gosh. And, like, black and blue, whole Bruce, like, you know, everything. And my mom's family. I think that was a big reason why she got custody of me, was because she. They were like, what.

[B]

What the fuck is she dealing with?

[A]

My uncles were so mad. And then, of course, I am like, I feel like I'm the cause, right? Because if it wasn't for me, this anger wouldn't be happening. And so, yeah, that Was. That was really. That was really, really hard. And I remember, like, when I got kicked, I woke up, and I was just covered in blood. And of course, I, like, scream. And then my sister comes over there and sees what happened. And my brother gets me a towel that we use to dry the cows off with their teats. And I, like, held this towel on my face, and I had literally just been, like, kicked in the face and knocked back. And I walked to the car from the barn, literally, like, kind of almost going in circles. And they were just walking beside me, and I'm, like, holding my, like, this towel. Blood's just dripping. And I'm like, okay. And then we go to get in the car, and my dad looks at my oldest sister and he goes, don't tell your mom. Well, the first thing my sister does when he leaves my mom, and then my mom has, like, somebody down there in the ER just like, making sure I'm fine. But that was, like, a really big. I think that was a really big, like, shift in things. I ended up being fine. Like, the. The next day, I had. So I had, like, a bunch of stitches, and I was on, like, a bunch of meds. My sister patched my face up. My dad had me go check cows on the four wheeler with, like, a.

[B]

Right back to it.

[A]

Yep. With a severe. Like, I couldn't sleep for longer than two hours. He was just like, all right, you're good. A couple years before that, I broke my arm. I got bucked off my mayor. He waited until the next day to take me to the er after begging and pleading, I was like, something's not right. I milked the cows, I fed the calves. The next day, we milked the cows, I fed the calves, and then he finally took me. And it was just like, you had to, like, you literally had to be, like, begging or dying, bleeding to get, like, help. Help. Yeah. During this time, my sister also ran away in the middle of the night because she had strep throat so bad. So she called my mom. My mom came, picked her up, took her to the er. So it's just like, things like that to her, we're adding up. Yeah. And it's like, you know, there was one time my dad went to the National Western Stock show and left me, my brother, my sister there to do everything. And my older sister got so violently ill that she, like. Like, she was literally stuck on the couch. I don't know what she had, but she was just stuck on the couch. And my brother and I did everything, and my dad didn't. He didn't come back. He. He was gone. He was doing his own thing. He's like, you guys can handle it. And so it's just like a complete disregard for our health. Health and well being. But so the grace of God, my mom is able to take my dad back to court. And this one, you're 14. 14. Okay. This is in July. And I talked to the judge, and I told the judge, I remember I was very tactful with my wording because I'm like, I know this motherfucker's gonna hear what I said in here. And I made it a point to be like, I want to stay, like, with my brother. Which I really didn't. But I also was like, I really want to go to school. I want to go to school. And I really pushed that. And my mom got custody of my brother and I, and full custody.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yes. And so nobody was with your dad.

[B]

At this point again.

[A]

Well, but here's the thing. This was in late July, and they didn't, like, they, like, had said that we will finish the summer with our dad and then in August go to our mom. And so after my mom got custody, we had to go live with my dad for two more weeks. And it was literal hell. We, like. I vividly remember being in the car and my dad looking in the rearview mirror and him saying, like, him saying that I was Satan's spawn and that there was, like, evil in my eyes. And so in that moment, I was like, okay, my brother isn't getting any heat. This is on me for the next two weeks. And it. I mean, he. He was so mean to me, but he stopped making me sleep with him, so I was okay with it. I'll take this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. Which I think like, that right there says a lot, but it was literal hell. And then starting high school was hell. We didn't have any of our vaccines. We hadn't seen a doctor. Like, I. When we were babies, we didn't even get our vaccines, and we were babies. So, I mean, I remember, like, the first or second day of school, I had to go and get, like, six different shots. And I was so just like, whoa. And the principal was like, we're gonna put her and her brother in the same grade, and if they do well, we'll leave them. And then if they can't handle it, we're bump up back. And after a week of being in high school, I was like, I'm not going back to come back to this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I buckled down and I went to tutoring every morning and every afternoon. I remember this is so funny just because of how incredibly sheltered we were. I was reading out of the biology book. My teacher had asked me to do it because I was, like, the new kid. And she was, like, trying to, like, you know, everybody, meet Tana. I was like, no, but I was reading and I was, like, terror terrified. And I was, like, reading about cells. And, like, the only cell that I was familiar with was, like, a gel cell. And so I was like, what the is a cell? I was like, what? But then as I was reading out of the book, instead of saying organism, I said orgasm. And everybody's laughing, but I don't know what that means. I am just like. And the teacher's yelling at me, and I'm, like, crying, right? Because, like, anytime anybody else, bad things are going to happen. And one of my friends, she was like, one of the first girls I met, she, like, leaned over and told me, and I just am, like, sobbing. And then the teacher realizes that, like, I misspoke. And then she, like, has to re. Like, direct the whole class. But, yeah, that followed me around for a bit. I also had this because I was the new kid. I had this one girl who I was, like, stupidly friendly just because I was like, I wanna, like. I want people to like me. Yeah. And I also was like. I very much so was like, mirror what they're doing. Blend. Blend. Don't draw attention to yourself. Blend. And so I, like, smiled and waved at this guy. Turns out it was her boyfriend. I didn't even know. She, like, followed me around for over a month, cussing me out, like, calling me a. And which, of course, like, I. Like, I've been berated. Like, I've heard worse, but, like, okay. And this. This girl, she follows me into the library one day and pushes me up against the bookshelf because she wants to fight. She was coming for me. And I won't ever forget, like, when she hit me, pushed me up against the bookshelf, I. The back of my head hit, like, a little screw. And I remember it sent something through my body. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. And I looked her dead in the face, and I was like, I get it worse at home. And I walked away. She left me alone after that. I was like, you're not. I. I'm not scared. I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of you. Because, like, my dad, when he would go off, it was like, there wasn't a human there. I mean, it was normal for him to be like, come here, you fucking idiot. You dumbass. Like, that's like, that's how he talked to us. And so he was like, constantly, like, cutting us down. And so, like, when I got into high school, like, people would naturally. Because it's like small town. Like, there was 126 people in our class or something. So smallish, I guess. But I just remember being like, this is nothing. Like, you all don't. You all don't know. And then another thing that blew my mind was, like, outside of algebra and biology and math, I did pretty decent. So, like, English I caught on to, like, I vividly remember freshman English. I was like, this is easy. I read a book. You answer questions about it. Okay? Like, I can do that. The hard part was, was algebra. Because the last time I was in school, I was like, just learning how to do division. And then now I'm figuring out what Y equals mx plus B is. And like, why are there letters in math? So that was really, really hard. And so, like, I had to take, like, slower paced math classes my entire high school career. But I caught on to English really quickly. Home ec. I was like, this is easy. I already know how to do all this. And like, my grandma on my mom's side was a seamstress, and so she, like, taught me how to sew. And so I was like, I can do this. And so there were things that I picked up really easily, and then there were things that I really struggled at. And I was like, math, I just could not figure out algebra. Trigonometry I could do because I not trig. The one with the shapes. Geometry, Geometry. Because I could see. I could see the shape. I was like, oh, this makes sense. But algebra could not. The reason why I bring this up is because I could not pass the algebra 1 end of end of instruction examination. And I had taken it seven times.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And my principal was like, tana, you have to pass this to graduate. And he's like, you got an A in the class. He's like, you know the material. I just, like, I had so much anxiety, you know, I. Well, and then it's just. It was. I just. I didn't get it. I couldn't get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then anyway, by the grace of God and this really, really sweet para who helped me when the testing lady stepped out passed. Good.

[B]

So during this time, were you seeing your dad at all or just cut.

[A]

Off on the weekends? I was seeing him. And so like, I. I ran. I ran track and that was really, really good for me. I ran track in cross country. I started running cross country my freshman year. And I, like, when I started school, immediately, like, my. The neighbor girl who kind of, like, took me under her wing was a senior. She was, like, a super big track star. She had, like, got me in to practice, like, when she practiced, just because of, like, the complexity of the situation. And that really, really saved me because it was, like, at this healthy outlet. And I was good. I was good. Like, I could run. I wasn't, like, fast, but I was consistent. Like, they. I was reliable. I'm like, listen, I'm consistently. I run the same pace, so I'm like, I'm not gonna get better, but you can rely on me to run the same speed that I always do. But that. That, like, that really, really, I think, played a huge role in my transition into high school. And I would go see my dad on the weekends, and it was just work. Like, as soon as we get there until we got done on Sunday evening, we worked. And, I mean, there were times where we didn't. My mom would wait in the driveway for hours. That was, like, one thing. Anytime my mom came to pick us up, my dad would make her wait and wait and wait. And then if she brought her husband with her, he would have to leave him at the. She'd have to leave him at the end of the driveway. And so it was like this control thing. Yeah, always. And I. So I, like, had finished my freshman year of high school, and I also. So I want to take a second real quick. My dad had. After my mom got custody, my dad had tried to fight to get custody of me again. He had gotten, like. My brother decided to go live with him again, which was a whole thing. He actually, like, took off without telling my mom. So my mom called the police. They went and picked my brother up, and she was like, you can't just do what you want to do. Like, you have to listen to me. Like, you know, this is your home. This is like, I am your mom. I have custody of you. You can't just run when you don't get what you want. And so ultimately, my brother went to go live with my dad, and then I stayed with my mom. And in that, like. So when I first started high school, it was really, really tough. I was very socially awkward. And I had a couple. I'd met a couple girls, like, right at the beginning, and they really, really helped me, like, adjust. Like, they, like, one of them. And she's still. She's an amazing human. But she took me under her wing, and I think she's a big reason why people left me alone. And she's just this amazing human. She lived with me for a little bit my senior year. She also had a super fucked up home life, and, you know, she really made a huge difference in my life. And so I'm very, very thankful for her because. Because of her, she made school safe for me. So it was like, okay, I can come here and I can be safe. And so anyway, that was a huge. Like, that played a huge role in that. Just because she offered that level of safety, I just stuck to it. I was an average student in the summers. Like, I'd spend the entire summer working for my dad. And then my junior year, I got accepted into a vocational school. And so I did, like, half the day at this vocational school and then half the day at school, which was. Was really good for me because I, like, I got my vet assistant certificate, and so it gave me, like, a little bit of, like, independence. And I kind of was like, oh, wait, huh?

[B]

I could build something for myself, right?

[A]

I don't have to go take care of my dad after this. And then my senior year of high school, I. Which, like, during this time, I had been showing livestock. I'd been showing, like, our dairy cows and stuff. And there were times where I, like, I just want to say this because this would. Like, this kind of sets the tone for the standards that my dad had. Like, I would top the class, so I'd have the best animal in the class. And I would come out, and my dad would immediately start in on me and being like, what the are you doing? What the fuck are you wearing? Like, yank the heifer away from me. And it was like, I just, like, I just got, like, I just won, like, this class, you know, like, now we're gonna go back, like, for supreme grand champion. Like, why can't you. But that's just how he was. Like, if I got, like, 100 on something, he'd be like, is that the best you can do? And I'm like, mathematically speaking, yes. But that's how he was. Like, nothing was ever good enough. And I didn't date throughout high school. This is a. This is a really, really important part. After I got my face kicked in, Kicked in, kicked. My dad really hammered my looks and, like, called me Scarface. And so, like, he went from, like, telling me that I was, like, this pretty boy to, like, flipping around and, like, grabbing my ass. And so was really confusing. But he Made me very insecure about my face. And, like, essentially told me that, like, I was just a pretty boy. And so I really didn't think, like, anybody would be generally, like, interested in me, like, genuinely interested. So I. Yeah, I really didn't date. And my senior year, my dad and I go to the National Western Stock show, and we're going with him to buy bulls. Or I went with him so he could buy bulls. And I just remember I was so thankful because I didn't have to sleep in the same bed as him. He got a hotel room with two beds. And I was like. But during this trip is when I met the livestock judging coach for the tiny community college that I ended up going to or technical school. And my dad was, like, walking up ahead of me. We were walking down, like, some vendor thing. And my dad was, like, bragging about me to this guy. And I, like, walk up, and I'm uncomfortable because I'm like, no, that's not really true. But, like, okay, I can't say that, you know, And I don't know what my coach saw, but I think he saw right through my dad's. And he, like, immediately, like, extended an arm to me. And on the way back home, we stopped by and just, like, drove through the campus. It was tiny. And I was like, oh, this is perfect. And I got accepted by the grace of God, I ended up. Because my mom didn't make a lot of money, I ended up getting fafsa. So I got most of it covered. Just had to pay a little bit out of pocket. And the summer. So I went to graduate high school. Bear in mind, I'm the first of six kids to graduate high school. My oldest, my two older sisters went, got their ged, and then later on, my brother did. But on the day of my high school graduation, my dad called me, and he was like, if you don't get out here and rake hay for me, I'm not coming to your graduation. And I was like. And my mom put her foot down. She was like, you are not over my dead body. So I said, okay. And so I went into graduation, like, literally thinking that, like, my dad, like, wasn't gonna be there. And he did show up. I, like, after we, like, you know, do the hoe hats and everybody's talking, I heard somebody yell my name in a turnaround. He waved and walked out. And so it was like. And, like, the shitty part about it is, like, my dad's not my dad. My brother's girlfriend was in the same class as me, and My grandparents took her and my brother out to dinner and it was like, what the fuck? So that summer after I graduated, it was literal hell. I worked day in and day out. It was to the point where I was menstruating twice a month. It was so bad that I, I mean, I like the level of exhaustion that I had felt. And on top of that, like, my little brother and my nephews were already born and I was the designated babysitter. And so when I was out at my dad's, it's not only working, but now I'm responsible for a toddler. And like, I remember I would milk cows with like him on my hip. Like, there were times where I would set him down so I could go and do something. And I turn around and my little brother would have like grabbed a handful of shit and he's like eating it and I'm like, like. But I was like a kid trying to watch a kid while also do so many things. And so it was just like, it was non stop. It was just all too consuming. And I remember the day I left for college, something in me flipped and like my dad had. We were trying to gather cows and I was exhausted. We were running all around. It was horrible. And I literally just said this and I was like, I'm leaving. And I like got in my car and I think my dad knew he couldn't make me stay. Yeah. And my mom was like, I was going over to my mom's and my mom and I were gonna drive up because the community caller or the technical school I went to was in the southwest corner of Nebraska. So it was a nine hour drive. And anyway, I, I left. I. I literally was like, I ain't doing this. And I went back to the house and I was grabbing my last little bit of things and he was like trying to help me. He was trying to be really nice. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And yeah, I went, got into college and I was like, this is easy. I was like the. They literally tell you what they want you to do. Like, but it was still obviously very challenging from the standpoint of academics, especially with math. And one thing that, like, one thing that I will say that's been the hardest part of this journey is like, when teachers find out my educational background, there's a shift in how they teach treat me. And it's a shift that like my friends have even noticed. But it's like this. They. I just had so many educators, like, treat me as if I like, I don't want to say I wasn't worth educating, but to an extent, it was like they treated me like a lost cause. And I noticed it.

[B]

Clearly, you were not if you made.

[A]

It that far, Literally. Yeah. And so it's like, I had a lot of teachers immediately dismiss me because for whatever reason, and so that was really hard. But the teachers who, like, helped me. Oh, I did. I excelled. I did just fine. And so my, like, first quarter of college, so during my associates, I averaged 21 credits per semester. So I was a busy girl. On top of that, I was doing collegiate livestock judging. And then I'm so thankful because there was this. There was a girl on the team who definitely, like, looked out for me and. Because I think, like, if I didn't have her, I would have gone wild. Because it was like a. Like, the moment I realized I was like, he can't control me when I'm here. I'm like. I can literally tell him I'm asleep and then not be somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, it's a whole new world. And so the end of my first semester, we were partying because we have just finished the quarter. It was one of me and my really good friends or the semester Jesus. And one of my friend and I had made a deal, like, we'll stay together the whole night, and then he can come crash on my couch. And I ended up getting really, really drunk to the point where I couldn't really walk. And we ended up. We were, like, hopping between the dorms. They were just three dorms, so it's not like it was wild. And we ended up separated, and I was sexually assaulted by somebody who I thought was my friend. And it was somebody that I had, like, turned down multiple times. And it's something that's still, like, incredibly hard for me just because I don't. There's, like. There's a lot that I don't remember, and I don't know what I did, but I do know that, like, I could not walk. Like, I could not. Like, I was not functioning. So that was really, really difficult. And, like, the next day, he texted me, and he actually asked me not to go to the cops, which I think was, like, a red flag. But that was just before Christmas break, and I went home, and I remember I was, like, really confused, and I, like, talked to a couple friends of mine that were there, and they were, like, really, really pushing me to, like, advocate for myself. But when I went home, I was talking to my older sister, and I was, like, explaining to her what happened? And she was like, well, don't lie, Tana. You know, you wanted it. And I, I was like, what? And that, like that conversation like with her essentially shut me down because it was like, you essentially, she was like, you're just really drunk, like kind of thing, like blow it off, like, you know, you wanted it, like whatever. And that like was not the case. But I was like, well, if she thinks that, like, you know, what am I gonna do? And then, not to mention if I were to do that, my family were to find out, well, then I would have to explain everything. And so I was like, I can't ruin, I can't ruin what I have going for me. So I shoved it down. And then that following spring quarter, I drank a lot, a lot. And I had started dating my first boyfriend. And then during this time my dad had like gotten in a fight with his girlfriend and strangled her. And then he also grabbed my little brother and twist his leg until it broke. So when my little brother was X rayed, they saw the type of break and immediately got the police involved. And so files were charged against my dad and my dad was calling me, bombarding me with all of this. And I did not have the capacity. Like I couldn't, it's like I couldn't dive into it. Like I couldn't, I don't know, it's like I couldn't see the situation for what it was. And so I just remember telling the DHS guy, like, I don't know, I wasn't there. I didn't see anything like. But I knew, I knew deep down inside my dad was really abusive. Yeah. But I also knew that that guy was going to talk to my dad and he was going to tell my dad what I said. And I had to go back to my dad and on spring break, at least that's what like my, I thought because he still had a lot of control over me. And so that that summer my, I went and I interned in South Dakota and I got a phone call from my dad and he had gotten arrested for domestic violence and child abuse. And so I had to like leave my internship early. Like, sorry, my dad got arrested, I need to go take care of the livestock. Like, but then he got bailed out and so I was like, all right, well I'm gonna hang out with my boyfriend for a week and not tell anyone. But the charges were dropped because he intimidated his girlfriend and she didn't show up to court. So he was able to get away with that and then that. So that following spring. So spring of 2014, I was getting ready. It's my last semester in call or in my associates. I had gone back. So I went back every break to work for my dad. I didn't have a choice. And I. We were caring for livestock, and I went to catch a calf, and I didn't do it the way that my dad thought I should. And he freaked out and, like, lost his shit on me. And I end up, like. I literally end up, like, leaving him in the pickup and walking back to the house from the pasture where he was at, because he was just berating me, telling me that, like, he wouldn't have ever treated his parents the way I treat him and that I'm entitled and all these other things. Like, he's just. I mean, like, tearing into me. And he was like, you can get the. Out of my truck. And so I was like, all right, fine. You. You feed these cows by yourself. So I walked up to the barn where my little brother and his mom were, and I am upset. And on my walk up there, I've called my mom and I've talked to my mom. My mom's at work, and I, like, told her what's going on. I'm like, he's mad. Like, he's mad, like, in a way I've never seen him before. He's mad. And she's like, okay, I'm gonna. I'm pretty sure she sent her husband out to wait, like, where the dirt road starts in case I needed to, like, get away. This was something that, like, regularly happened. Like, we would. My dad would be, like, losing his. And one of us would run inside real quick and just call mom and let her know, like, just so you're aware. And I'm, like, really upset, and I'm, like, talking to, like, my dad's girlfriend, and she's like, it's okay, like, trying to calm me down.

[B]

And.

[A]

And my dad comes barreling in there, and she's, like, where she can't see us. And my dad comes up and slams me back against this, like, metal sheet. And he's not, like, strangling me, but he's pushing down so hard. I can't breathe, and it's like, I can't expand. Like, because he's smart, he's not going to strangle me to where, like, people can see that. No, he's going to push. Like, he. He's wanting to scare me. He's wanting to. To show dominance. And he was like, just. I mean, I don't even know what he was saying, it was like there wasn't a human there. There was just, like, black in his eyes. I. I, like, won't ever forget. Like, I just remember thinking, he's gonna kill me. This is. This is it. Because I couldn't. I couldn't really breathe. I couldn't. Like, I was stuck. Like, I'm literally, like, smashed up against this panel. And I just remember thinking, I'm so glad I called my mom and my boyfriend because, like, if something happens, like, they'll know he was mad at me. Like, they'll know he did something. And I'm like. I'm like, things are literally, like, fading for me. And I don't know if it's me blocking out. I don't know. I don't know what it was. But, like, it's like the. It's like the images is zooming, like, zooming out, and everything's turning black. And the next thing I feel is a hand on my thigh. And I look, I like, kind of glance like this, and I can see my little brother, who's like three at the time, three or four, had, like, one hand on my leg and was pushing my dad back and was telling him to, like, stop. And I just remember thinking, like, I was grabbing my little brother and I was pushing his head out of the way because I was like, no, like, you're gonna get yourself hurt. Hurt. Like, stop. Like, you're gonna get yourself hurt. And my dad's girlfriend came around, like, to where she could visibly see us, and she, like, got in between us and, like, shoved him off of me. And yeah, like, that moment I legit was like, I think he's gonna kill me. I really. I was like, this is. He's gonna kill me. He's going to fucking kill me. Because I did not restrain a calf the way he thought I should. And, yeah, that really fudge me up. And I went back once or twice after that. He showed up at my graduation like nothing had happened. And he was mad at me because I had decided to continue on for my bachelor's, and he, like, tried to take all my things back with him so I would, like, have to move back. And I had, like, fucking planned everything out and I'd moved all my things, really didn't know where they were. And, you know, I. I will say, like, having the support of my boyfriend at the time was really helpful, but that relationship in and of itself had a lot of challenges. And he also had a lot of things that, like, he needed to. To work on and Together, like, we. We were tumultuous. And, like, looking back now, I'm like, oh, he was just triggering me. But, like, he drank a lot. And then, you know, he. If I, like, hung out with friends, he'd get upset and would always assume I was, like, cheating and things. Which I didn't never cheat, but, like, there were times he'd throw things at me. He'd kick walls. He'd punch walls. There was one time we were drinking with his friends. Friends, and his friend kept shooting me in the face with a Nerf gun. And that was really hard for me because when I was younger, my brother held a loaded pistol in my face and was like, I can kill you. I'm the boss. Dad's gone kind of thing. And I remember we were in the dairy barn. And the reason why this is burned into my brain was because I was like, well, you can milk these cows. Then you want to shoot me? Milk these cows. And my brother pulled the gun back and, like, went to say something, and the gun went off. And I just remember the way we looked at each other was like. It was like this moment of realization. I was like, you're idiot. Like, you're a dumbass. And he was like, don't tell dad. Don't tell dad. That was just, like, immediately. But my brother was also very. That was. That was, like, typical. Typical behavior of him. Like, I watched him, like, hang a cat and beat it with a baseball bat. I watched him stick a screw into the side of a cat and, like, pull out. It's like he, like, kind of almost eviscerated it or, like, disemboweled it. Poor cupcake. We had to, like, put her down. But my brother was always, like, really violent towards animals. Very similar to my dad in that regard. But in this particular moment, I was like, can you please just stop shooting me in the face with the Nerf gun? And of course, we're all drunk, and it all got blown out of proportion, and we're, like, a mile away from home. So I was like, fuck this. I'm just gonna walk home. I don't want to deal with this. And he. My ex follows me outside, and I'm like, I just. I need to be away. Let me go. Like, I can walk home. I'm fine. Have fun with your friends, but I'm not having fun here. And I went to walk away, and I won't ever forget. He, like, grabbed my arm and slammed me down onto the dirt road. But, like, we both kind of, like, sat down together kind of thing like he like force me down. And when he did that, he pressed in like to my arm to the point where you could see his like thumb print. And I just remember thinking to myself, like, I am not about to become my mom. Like, no. So I transferred to Lincoln, Nebraska, to the university. And it was like our relationship got worse because then I was surrounded by all sorts of people and like if I were like for example, he would be upset with me because of the way other people were looking at me. And that like further like amplified all the things that like happened to me in my upbringing with my dad. Yeah. And so it, but it made me so hyper aware of my body and it put it all on me when it wasn't on me. Like that shouldn't have been put on me. But I like kept chugging. I went down there, I like showed up at the university. And I remember I was so freaking scared because I was like, this place is huge. I am a half educated hick and I don't know what I'm doing. This is all scary.

[B]

So at this point you had your bachelor's?

[A]

I was, this was when I had my associates. I was getting my bachelor's in animal science at Lincoln. I was extremely poor. I worked non stop. If I wasn't working, I was in class, I was studying and if I wasn't doing that, I was practicing livestock judging. I worked constantly and like my exes and I's relationship continued to devolve and I tried to end things and he showed up at my house and he wouldn't leave. And that was really like. He did that a couple of times and he was a big guy. And I felt so incredibly like unsafe. And I was paying out of state tuition, but because I resided in Nebraska for so long, I'd petitioned to get in state. And because of that I got a bunch of money back. So I was able to do a study abroad trip. And I'm so thankful that I was able to do that trip because that trip like, like opened my eyes and I realized like I can, I can do a lot more than what I'm doing. Like, I was like, I think I can do a little bit more. And so I was like, I'm gonna apply for my masters because I was interviewing for jobs. And I'm like, I can do more than this. Yeah. I'm like, I, I did more than this as a child.

[B]

And did you have a relationship with.

[A]

Your dad at all? Nope. I like stopped talking to him.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I applied to Davis, UC Davis. I Get in for my masters. And my ex was not supportive and that I was like, I held on to that inkling and I was like, that's not right. And I, Yeah, I ended up living with him before I moved to. I graduated in May and I ended up living with him until I moved in September. And it was really, really difficult. He would like, get. He got drunk very often and like I said, he was dealing with his own demons, but that really impacted me and it was scary. It was scary because he would get. He's a big guy. He'd get drunk and he'd get like, belligerent and. Yeah. So, like, by the time that came around, I was really looking at grad school as like an opportunity to get away from him. And it worked. I moved out to Davis and I had started my masters and then I, like, met this really cool group of girls and I started telling them a little bit about me and they were like, da fuck. And then also dump him. And so I did, and I'm glad that I did because we, like, we just were not compatible. He's not like a bad human. He just. It wasn't good, Wasn't good. I wasn't good. But yeah, so I went out and I was doing my masters and that was really, really challenging. I had a very challenging mentor. I kind of had to be the grown up in that situation, which I was used to being like, okay, been managing everybody else's emotions my whole life. And I finished up my master's and I went and worked in the Central Valley for a bit while I was down there. I. So it's. The Central Valley is like. It's like the Central Valley of California. So it's kind of the armpit, so to speak. But I worked for a large animal veterinary clinic. So it was a dairy practice and I was their laboratory manager. I did all sorts of things. But during my time there, I. So I started working there in August, and that following January, I went to a conference for my work. And when I was there, I of course was like, very much so in this, like, spot in my life where I was like, oh, wow. Like, I'm actually kind of experiencing some contentness and I feel kind of at peace. Like, I'm like, okay with life. Like, I was like, oh, okay. Like I'm making money, I'm able to like, feed myself. I'm like doing things that I enjoy. And I was like, oh, okay. Like things might actually work out. And I'm at this conference and this rep that I like, I. I'VE had to work with in the. In the past through my work. He essentially, like, tries to, like, force me to have sex with. With him. And, like, he almost ripped this earring, this top. I had a hoop in here, this top hoop out because of, like, he, like, slammed my head back. And I played smart and, like, was able to get out of this situation. I pretty much was like, oh, I like to be on top. And then he was like, okay. And then I was like, bye. But that broke me. And, like, I remember, like, he was, like, literally, like, trying to have sex with me, and I'm like, I don't want to have sex with you. I don't want to have sex with you. And he just, like, was not, like, listening, was not hearing it, like. And so when I went back to work after the conference, everybody was like, oh, my God, how was it? How was it? And I fell apart. I, like, literally crumbled. When I'm, like, looking back now is. Because it was severely triggering for me, and it was also really scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I literally was like. I'm like, I. This guy might just, like, do whatever he's gonna do, and I can fight all I want, but I can't get out from underneath him. And so anyway, I had to tell my bosses, and because he worked closely with them, and honestly, they kind of pushed him onto me, which I kind of was like, fuck you a little. But, like, not. They, like, encouraged it, I want to say, which I think he was like, oh, yeah. Like, but that is what sent me to therapy when it was. This is 2020. That was in Feb. Like, beginning of February. It was literally, like, the day before my little brother's birthday, which was like. Like, that's what I was, like, trying to tell him was like, I'm not, Like, I don't even, like, want to have sex. And then less than a month later, my little brother and his mom came back into my life because I hadn't seen or talked to them in years. She had finally left him. And, like, thank God for Covid, because that, like, made it possible. Yeah, like. Like, also. It was horrible, but, like, yeah, like, that saved her. And then also, with the courts being stalled, that saved, like, that left more time. But so she reaches out to me, and it was like, I had just, like, not been thinking about it, and it's like, yeah, like, I went from third to ninth grade. Like, cool, cool, cool. Like, I focused more on that, like, my lack of education in my work. I didn't focus on the other things, but when she came back into my life. And then I realized, like, the last time I saw my little brother, he was like 4 or 5. And now he's like a 10 year old. And, like, the whole reason why they got away was because my dad kicked him in the head. And a teacher saw the bruise, and so, like, that just. It broke me. And then like, a month later, I started therapy. And I won't ever forget, my therapist was like, I just want to let you know. Or she's like, are you ready for your diagnoses? And I was like, okay. She's like, usually I don't. She's like, I'm not, like, big on, like, making a big deal out of it, but I think I. She's like, you need to know. I was like, okay. And she's like, you have ptsd. And I was like, I didn't go to war. She's like, your whole. Your whole childhood was. Was like a battle, was like a war. And so that's when it was like. It was like the curtain started coming down and I was like, oh, my God. And then I just, like, I just essentially trauma dumped on her for, like, over a year.

[B]

But you probably needed it.

[A]

Yeah. And she literally was like, I've never heard anybody talk about some of the, like, most traumatizing things I've ever heard in such a calm fashion. But it's like, that's. If that's your normal, like, that's your normal.

[B]

And I don't think you really, like, we're not taught on how to dissect those things or deal with them. And, you know, that's why, you know, we need somebody to kind of guide us through that.

[A]

Yeah. And I. And I needed that. And so I was at a really, really low point in, like, mid-2020. And this is really important because that's when my second boyfriend came into my life. And I honestly, like, wasn't attracted to him. But we worked together and we started hanging out. And I, like, looking back now, it's like my alarm bells were ringing, but it was like Zomba. That's the only way my new. My brain knew how to love was in that, like, state of, like, it's got to be like the hot and the cold and, like, the strong. Like, you know, he. He literally, like, made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. But the first, like, three or four months, it was like, meh. And then he was like, oh, actually, you're perfect. You're not perfect, but, like, you're. You're you know, so great. And so I was like, oh, my God, like, wow, this guy treats me great. You know, he finally, like, we, like, finally decided to actually date because we were just, like, hanging out. And so that was like, the end of 2020, like, beginning of 2021. My work had offered to pay for my PhD, so I was like, okay, it. I'll play. And the big reason why I applied was because due to Covid, they were not requiring you to take the gre. I was like, it's been more than five years, so I'd have to take it again or whatever the time. The time lapse was. And I, like, got accepted. I mean, it was, like, mind blowing to me. Yeah. And so right around the same time, like, I get accepted. This is like, May of 2021, and my partner buys a house and, like, pushes me to move in with him before I'm comfortable. And we've been together, like, six months, essentially. And then that fall that. So December 2021, he proposes. And I, like, found the ring before we left just because I, like, noticed his behavior was weird and he was being weird about one of the bags. So I was like, yeah, after you leave, I'm gonna go through that. And I did, and I found the ring and I sobbed. Oh, my God. I cried and I cried and I cried mainly because I was scared. And, like, looking back now, it's like, I should have stopped and tuned into that, but I was constantly being told that, what's your trauma? Or, you know, you're not. You're just not used to this, Tana. So it's normal that you're going to be responding like this. So it was like, you weren't taught.

[B]

To trust your gut.

[A]

Yes. And so I essentially was being told to abandon my instincts. And that's, like, one of my biggest regrets with this guy is because, like, all my alarm bells, like, at every critical point, my alarm bells were going off, and I just disregarded them. And it didn't help that, like, he got to know me well enough to then, like, use it against me. I start my PhD fall of 2021, and I am driving four hours up the 99, which is a very dangerous road weekly. And I'm driving up, I'm going to classes, like, a couple days up in. On campus in Davis. And then I'm turning around, I'm driving back, and then I'm managing the lab, like, Monday through Saturday or, like, Wednesday or not Monday through Saturday, like, Wednesday or Thursday through Saturday. And then it was like, I restart everything. So it was very. It was. It was, like, hectic. I was spending half the week, like, couch surfing on my friends's couches, and I, like, finished my first year, and it was horrible. So summer 2022, my ex finds out he's not going to be able to move up within the company that we were at. So he decides he's leaving. And then that decision was kind of made for the both of us, which that impacted my degree because my employers were paying for my degree. So at the start of my second year, my ex and I essentially decide that we were going to leave. But it really, really was rooted in him not being able to move up within the company. And it, like, I wanted to stay there so I could finish because I had already had all my data collected. And so that would have really shortened my. My degree. But that's not how it went. He ended up. He told our bosses we were. We were leaving or he was leaving. And then within an hour, I lost all the data for my PhD. So I had to restart all my research over again. And I had told them I'd given them a three months. Like, a three month, hey, I'm gonna leave in three months. Like, give three months. I'll train somebody like that. I think that's, like, every employer's dream. And I ended up having to leave within two weeks because one of my bosses kept harassing me. And he was really problematic the whole time I worked there. Like, he made fun of my size. He made fun of how I talked, where I was from, my education. Like, he was just not a nice person. But, yeah. So that left me dependent on my ex because they didn't have a job. And we move up to Sacramento. He switches from being a dairy veterinarian to a small animal veterinarian. So his income more than doubled in less than a couple months. And that, I think, was, like, a really big turning point in our relationship. I was at a really big low because I just. I have to restart everything. I'm, like, writing a new proposal. I'm trying to figure out what we're gonna do, what we have funding for, you know, Like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do now, you know? And so I'm in this really low place, and I'm, like, trying to figure out my things. And he's like, well, I'm making so much money, and I'm making all these friends, and my life is great. And I don't understand why you can't, like, get on my level. And I was really struggling my mental health. I was very depressed. I've always struggled with depression and, like, suicidal ideations. And right around this time is when he told me that my depression was unattractive, it made me unattractive. And he, like, really started shaming me for my mental health struggles, or at least that's like, how I felt. And like, it was like death by a thousand cuts. That's the best way I can describe that relationship with him. He told me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore. And which of course, like, I'm freaking out because now I'm like, I'm financially dependent on you. You just paid for, like, he's paying for me to go to this residential treatment facility. And now you're telling me you don't want to be with me anymore. How do I survive? And I, like, went and like, car camped because I was like, at least I can sleep in my car with my dog and be comfortable just so I could, like, be away from him. And I'm really glad that I did that because I realized I was like, I'm gonna be just fine. I don't need this person. And I came back and we had a 15 conversa. 15 minute conversation the next day. We broke things, we ended things. That was like, probably one of the most liberating moments of my life. Yeah, we broke up. Best thing ever. And, yeah, now I'm hopefully going to get my PhD in a year. Congratulations. Thank you. And I. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am in the midst of writing an autobiography.

[B]

You should.

[A]

And I think, like, a lot of my experiences could, like, help people. But, like, the one thing I want to say, and this is my biggest regret, is not listening to my intuition and is not listening to my gut. Like, if I would have done those things, I would be in a completely different situation.

[B]

I mean, yeah, but you, presumably, because you weren't taught that, you know, you weren't. You were taught not to have a voice. You were taught that you were basically just like someone's servant, literally. Why would you know to listen to your gut? That's like, not any. That's so foreign to you. Yeah, but I do think, obviously, you know, sharing everything you've been through it can I think, kind of give, like, educate somebody that might have been in the same situation as you?

[A]

Well, yeah, and especially, like, my brain is like, if I would have heard my story as a 15 year old. Exactly.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I would have like done more. Right.

[B]

Or changed some. Try like done something, you know, or like, even if you can't change anything because of the environment you're in, you can have the knowledge within your own mind to know. Like, okay, wait, this isn't normal. Even though that was. You were raised as that being your normal. It just changes the trajectory of things.

[A]

Yeah. And it's like, I will say I feel so incredibly alone. Like, very few people, like, make me feel seen. And I think like, that has probably been one of the most challenging aspects. It's heavy especially because, like, you know, my siblings and I don't have the best relationship. And so like, when I decided to go to college, I kind of unintentionally excommunicated myself. Like, and so I think that that just kind of like further drove that isolation. And the one place that I was doing decently was school. So it's like, okay, pour yourself into that.

[B]

But I do think that there's, you know, even though there's probably so many times, you know, to this day that you feel isolated and alone and like nobody understands, I think the more you speak out and the more you build this kind of community of people you don't know that have similar experiences or stories, even if it is just like from one portion of your story or your life, I think it can help even you on your healing journey. Like, even though it's not by a professional or a therapist or whatever, I think there's something else. Healing and speaking out, having a voice, sharing your voice and your story and then hearing how many people your story can help. I think that's something that can be so full circle for you, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And like, I mean, I mean, just coming here and doing this today was like such a huge step. Absolutely huge. And I, like, the only reason why I want to talk about myself is because, like, if I could go back, like, If I met 12 year old Tana, I would have done something as an adult. Yeah. And so it's like, okay. Like, so it's like if somebody, you know, it's just like all it takes is like one little person to make you just see something differently. Absolutely. And you're like, oh my God, wait.

[B]

It'S one story, it's one person. It's not. It does not take much. And that's why I tell people all the time, like, everyone has a story and you should use your voice to share it. There's no reason not to. Whether it's, you know, like this verbally Written. Like, I always encourage my guests. I'm like, if you're thinking about writing a book or you are. You have. You should. Everyone should. Like, why wouldn't you share your story in every way and outlet that you can? Because you will help somebody, whether it's a little girl, a little boy, even somebody. It could be a friend of somebody on the outside that's, like. Makes them think, like, maybe something's happening there, you know, and not to judge a book by the COVID because there was a lot of people, like you said, growing up that thought you had a good. And that was the opposite.

[A]

So. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Just to, like, be sincere and for people to ask questions, then.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. And then I. But I totally. There's this quote that's like, a victim with a voice is, like, empowered or something to that effect. And so it's like, I'm like, the damn it. Like, the worst part's over. Yeah. And now it's all about your healing. Yeah. And, like, now, like, me sharing my story, even if it just, like, inspires somebody to keep going, I'm like, that's. That's what's worth it.

[B]

Right. And that you're not. No matter what you've been through as a child, that doesn't make you any less. Like, I feel like you had so many people kind of demeaning you because of your lack of education as a child and all this stuff, but I think it does serve as. That, too, is, like, this kind of encouragement to keep going and not let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do, because you have literally the power to do anything and everything. And there's so many different ways to heal. You know, therapy is only one way, you know, speaking out. And there's so many just. There's so many endless ways to heal. And I just think if to, you know, to do all of those things or to do as much as you can for yourself is, you know, I think you're just kind of like, beginning that journey for yourself, which is important. So. And I'm so glad that you wanted to come on here and share your story on this platform. It means so much to me. And truly, you did an incredible job.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Like, to go through that much and to be able to sit here and revisit it and talk about it, it's. It's very heavy. It's a lot.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And it's. There's a lot of fear. Oh, absolutely. In it, because it's like you were.

[B]

Taught the complete opposite.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of what you're doing and who you are. So it's not easy, but you're doing it.

[A]

And one thing I want to say. Yeah. This is one thing that really kept me quite quiet was because I felt shame and responsibility for what happened to me. Yeah. But once I realized that I was a child and it's not mine to carry, it made it easier to talk about because it was like, oh, wait, no, like that happened to me.

[B]

Yeah. It's like a separate. Like you can separate it in a way.

[A]

Right. And I think, like, that is such a huge part in realizing that you are being a of part abused is realizing that it's not your fault.

[B]

You're just an innocent kid. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And I don't know any better. And literally, if they're the. The book that like this. There's a book that changed my life and it's called the Gift of Fear by Gavin Debeck. Something like that. He used to work for the FBI or something. But it's literally just trusting your gut. Yeah. And it like when I read this book, I was like, oh, my God. Like, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And I have like. My nervous system is. I got the most sensitive water bowels, let me tell you. So it's like I. And instead of looking at as like a negative thing, I'm like, no, actually my complex trauma is kind of a superpower. I can pick up on energy and you can relate to so many people. And I'm so empathetic. God, I'm so empathetic.

[B]

You did incredible.

[A]

Seriously.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Thank you for having me.

[B]

Of course.