Lost My Virginity to My Stepbrother and Got Pregnant

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're All Insane

Episode: Lost My Virginity to My Stepbrother and Got Pregnant
Host: Devorah Roloff
Guest: Laura
Date: February 2, 2026

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Overview

In this deeply personal and candid episode, Laura shares the raw story of losing her virginity to her much older stepbrother, resulting in an unplanned pregnancy, and how the aftermath—including an abortion, family dynamics, trauma, relationship challenges, infertility, and eventually adoption—shaped her life. Through Laura’s storytelling, the episode explores shame, guilt, healing, and ultimately, acceptance and hope.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Early Life & Internalized Pressure

• Laura’s Family Background: Youngest of five, with three much older half-sisters who were all teen moms. She always felt pressure not to repeat that fate.
• Internalized Expectations: “My job growing up was to do well in school, get into a good college, make a good career, and be the perfect kid.” (Laura, 05:55)
• Shyness & Self-Esteem: Laura describes herself as shy, socially anxious, and always feeling like the odd one out among friends. She never felt “desired” or confident romantically.

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2. Meeting Matt and the Wedding Weekend (10:44 – 18:47)

• Meeting Matt: Laura meets Matt, her new stepbrother (16 years her senior), at her father’s wedding. There was an immediate attraction.
• First Kiss: “At the reception, he kissed me. And I was like, oh man, this is happening.” (Laura, 11:46)
• Lack of Secrecy: Their interactions weren’t hidden, and family members noticed.
• Rapid Escalation: The night after the wedding, Laura and Matt have sex for the first time; she loses her virginity to him.

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3. Relationship Dynamics and Unfolding Aftermath (18:47 – 25:25)

• Matt’s Behavior: He openly flaunts the relationship, refers to Laura as “little sis” in a way that feels taboo and fetishistic.
• Discovery of His Girlfriend: Laura finds out Matt has a girlfriend; realizes she was just a fling to him.
• Emotional Fallout: After a brief “relationship,” Matt breaks up with Laura via email—which coincides with her noticing potential pregnancy symptoms.

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4. Unplanned Pregnancy & Abortion (25:25 – 39:26)

• Discovering the Pregnancy: Laura confirms her pregnancy just after Matt has ended things.
• Lack of Protection: “He just did his thing. He didn’t bring [protection] up, I never brought it up. No conversation whatsoever.” (Laura, 25:29)
• Matt’s Response: When she tells him she’s pregnant, he insists on abortion and offers no emotional support. “He was very adamant—‘no, you should get rid of it’…he said, ‘I’ve been in this situation before.’” (Laura, 30:29)
• The Procedure: Laura describes opting to remain awake for the abortion to save money. She experiences overwhelming regret immediately after.
  • Memorable Moment: “I sat up and I was like—why did I do that? That was not the right thing to do. Why did I do that? And I immediately regretted it.” (Laura, 35:22)

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5. Guilt, Secrecy, and the Long Aftermath (39:26 – 44:15)

• Religious Guilt: Despite not having a moral opposition to abortion, Laura internalizes lasting guilt due to her Catholic upbringing, feeling she will be punished by never being able to have children: “God is going to punish me for doing this, so I am going to get punished in some way... I’m never going to be able to have kids.” (Laura, 39:31)
• Relationship and Fertility Struggles: Laura meets her husband, Franklin, who is empathetic; they marry and try to conceive but struggle with infertility—compounding Laura’s self-blame.

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6. The Adoption Odyssey (44:15 – 61:54)

• Decision for Adoption: After failed fertility treatments, they choose adoption, believing IVF wouldn’t work as a form of “cosmic punishment.”
• Multiple Failures: The couple endures five failed adoption attempts, which each take an emotional toll—Laura sees them as punishment for her abortion.
  • Memorable Resilience: “People are telling us, like, this is so abnormal. Like, this has never happened to any family we've ever worked with before. And I’m like, well, it’s because I’m never gonna have a baby... I know all of these are gonna fail.” (Laura, 53:28)
• Therapy and Healing: Laura attends therapy (“only needed three sessions”), culminating in writing a goodbye letter to her aborted baby—an exercise that helps her start letting go of guilt.
• Successful Adoption: Eventually, the couple successfully adopts their son. Upon seeing him: “That is my son. Immediately, I’m like, this is my son. And I knew right away.” (Laura, 58:58)

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7. Acceptance, Moving Forward, and Openness (61:54 – End)

• Open Adoption: Laura supports her son meeting his birth mother if/when she’s ready: “If he’s 15 and he’s like, I wanna meet her—I’m gonna be like, okay, yeah, we can reach out to her and see how she feels about that.” (Laura, 63:03)
• No More Children: After the emotional toll of adoption, Laura and Franklin decide not to pursue more children.
• Resolution: “Having my son in my life and having an adoption that actually was successful, I think kind of sealed the deal—like, okay, that chapter of my life is over. And now I’m gonna move forward with my son.” (Laura, 65:49)
• The Power of Storytelling: Laura expresses that sharing her story is ultimately about resonance and helping others not feel alone.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Family Pressure: “All my sisters and my mom were all teen moms…you can’t be the person who also gets pregnant when you’re a teenager…My job growing up was to do well in school, get into a good college, make a good career, and be the perfect kid.” (Laura, 05:40)
• On the Relationship: “He was so much older than me…I think he’s hot and he actually likes me, the 21-year-old. I’ve never had what I consider a boyfriend up until this point.” (Laura, 10:46)
• On Losing Virginity: “He was my first. I didn’t tell him that, I was terrified that he would know.” (Laura, 17:05)
• On the Reality of Guilt: “Instantaneously regretted it...That is the start of the guilt.” (Laura, 35:25)
• On Therapy: “The therapist had me write a letter to my baby, and I did, and I apologized…It’s time to let you go.” (Laura, 54:48)
• Devorah on Sharing: “It isn’t always an easy thing to do; it’s easier to talk to a stranger about than to my family…But it was more important for me to just talk about it in general because I feel like somebody else is going to go through this—even if it’s just one part of my story.” (Devorah/Laura, 71:05)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:33 – Laura introduces her story and current state of acceptance
• 06:31 – Laura describes childhood, family dynamics, and internal pressures
• 10:44 – First meeting with stepbrother Matt; attraction and family context
• 17:05 – Laura’s first sexual experience; feelings and aftermath
• 23:44 – Communication and breakup with Matt; Laura suspects pregnancy
• 25:25 – Pregnancy confirmed, Matt urges abortion
• 33:32 – Laura’s abortion procedure and immediate emotional fallout
• 39:26 – Long-term guilt, fear of infertility, and new relationship
• 44:15 – Attempts to conceive; decision to pursue adoption
• 47:38 – Series of failed adoptions; continuing trauma
• 54:48 – Therapy and therapeutic letter to lost baby
• 58:58 – Adoption of her son; immediate bond and transition to peace
• 61:54 – Open adoption philosophy and relationship with birth mother
• 65:45 – Reflection on healing, motherhood, and letting go of guilt
• 67:46 – Laura on deciding to share her story, desire to help others

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Tone & Takeaway

The conversation is compassionate, gentle, and unfiltered. Laura is self-aware, honest, and often self-deprecating; Devorah is supportive and nonjudgmental, creating a safe space for Laura’s vulnerability.

Final Message:
Laura’s story is one of surviving shame, loss, and repeated heartbreak, only to arrive at a place of peace. Her willingness to speak out offers solidarity for anyone wrestling with guilt, difficult decisions, or the unpredictability of family-building. The episode powerfully underscores that healing is not linear—and that sharing your truth can both lighten your burden and help others along the way.

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For anyone in need of support after an abortion, adoption, or trauma, reach out to mental health professionals or relevant support groups. You are not alone.

Transcript

[Devorah Vora]

Hi, guys. It's me, d'. Vora. The We're All Insane merch store is officially open. I've been working so hard on this line and really made it with you in mind, and I am so excited. We have Totes sweatshirts and my personal favorite, the crewnecks with the matching sweatpants. And let me just tell you, they are so comfortable and so soft. It is my favorite thing to wear. And the colors are so cute. This is my very first launch, and we only printed a limited amount, so once it is gone, it's gone. So make sure you head to we're all ins.com and grab yours today.

[Laura]

My name is Laura. I have a story about kind of my whole life, but really, when it comes down to it, it is the story of me losing my virginity to my stepbrother, who is much older than me, and ending up pregnant. And how my decisions from that situation kind of shaped my life for many years to come, and how I really internalized and allowed myself guilt for a really, really long time. And I think I'm at the point where I am in a much better place. I am not healed, but I'm, like, at terms and at peace with everything that happened. And it's very much something that happened and is behind me.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

So when it comes down to it, I did a lot of things that I regret, but in the end, it brought me to where I am now.

[Devorah Vora]

And I think, too, you know, with a topic like this, I feel like it goes one of two ways. Like, you either don't talk about it at all, or. And I'm sure there are some people that completely disassociate from it, or you hold it in, you have that guilt, you know, because it's something that. Why would you want to talk about it, you know?

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

So the fact that you're able to speak out about it, and I guess, you know, you'll get into it, obviously, for those listening, but the fact that you're able to openly talk about something traumatic that happened to you and how. And it's so true, you know, when things happen to us, they do shape our lives. And while they don't define us, they might, like, set the tone for a big chunk, you know. So I think it's so amazing that you're willing and able now, you know, to speak out about that. And if there's anybody, because I always say there's so many people that can relate to things, different portions of things, and I think it's really, really important. So you should give Yourself a lot of credit for that, even though you're not no one. I don't think ever anyone's ever completely healed because things are always happening in our life. That's part of life. But to get to a place that you're at is. It's a pretty big step in a healing journey.

[Laura]

And I don't talk about this. Right. So I recently shared this story with my therapist, just to be able to say it again to make sure that I still remembered it and that I wasn't going to, you know, just forget big parts of it or totally break down in the middle of it or anything. But before I told her about it, it had been years since the last time I spoke about it. And not a lot of people in my family know. Very few people outside of my family know. Pretty much it's the people who were around me during the time that it happened, and then also, like, my husband and one or two other people.

[Devorah Vora]

So did you decide after just seeing the show?

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

Wow. It's incredible. I love that. That's what I tell people all the time. I'm like, that is the another. There's so many full circle things about it, but it's things like that where it's like people that never have told their story or thought I never would. They. The people that come on here, they give so many people courage and confidence to own their story and not let it own them. And that's like. I feel like you are an incredible example. That's amazing.

[Laura]

Yeah, I mean, I listened to. I found it on Tick Tock.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

And that's kind of where I found a couple snippets. And then I was like, oh, there's a podcast. I'll listen to the podcast. So I've listened to a lot, like, most of the episodes, honestly, in the podcast. And I was just listening to one on the way home from work one day and I was like, I think I should. Yeah, I think I should try to share my story here.

[Devorah Vora]

That's amazing. That makes. That literally makes me teary. I love that. That is incredible. Makes me so happy. Okay, keep going.

[Laura]

Yeah. So I'm going to start kind of in my childhood and kind of work up to, like, how this happened in the first place. So I am the youngest of five children and my three sisters are a lot older. They're half sisters, a lot older than me. And then my brother and I are very close in age. We're only two years apart, and he's my full brother. Growing up, I was very shy I was the kind of person who only spoke to my mom and my brother. And if my dad. If I had to speak to my dad, I would speak to him. But I was, like, always very, like, shy around him too. So really it was just my mom and my brother and my sisters did not live with us in my memory. I don't remember them ever living with us. I know when I was born, like, they were around. But one thing growing up that I always remembered and I always felt pressure on was the fact that my sisters and my mom were all teen moms. So I love. I love my sisters to death. I think that they are the strongest women and my mother the strongest woman I've ever met. But I always felt like you can't end up that way. You can't be the person who also gets pregnant when you're a teenager and not finish school or go an alternate path and then have to finish school later or try extra hard. Like, I feel like my parents did everything to set my brother up and the two of us up for success, for us to have a privileged life in order to avoid that. So my job growing up was to do well in school, get into a good college, make a good career, and like, be. Be the perfect kid.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

And I feel like a lot of that is internalized. It's not necessarily. My mom wasn't breathing down my neck, making sure that I never got teen pregnant. It was just something that I heard a lot and I knew how difficult it was for them. So I didn't want to be like that. I was going to be the perfect kid and do everything right. I also, with my friends growing up, I had a group of really close friends. There were four girls and four boys that throughout, like, grade school, middle school, we were all very close to each other. And we were also close during high school as well. And I was never like the pretty one or like the. The fun one or the social one. I just felt like I would. I weighed more than them. I've always weighed more than everybody else my whole life. Even looking back, I did not weigh that much. I was very much an average size, but I always felt bigger. I had really bad acne. And I always felt like I was just not somebody that was popular, not somebody who was, like, good with boys or anything like that. So throughout high school and even into college, I was never really romantically pursued by anybody or even if it happened, it was something where, like, I didn't like them back or I didn't know that they liked me or Anything like that. So I never really had relationships in high school. In college, everybody was more focused on studies. I went to a college that was very notorious for people not dating. And everybody, like, we're all nerds, we're headstone kind of thing. So it just wasn't a thing that happened that often. And so even in the transition from high school to college, I never really felt desired. I always wanted people, but I never, you know, I was never like back. I never had crushes back or anything like that. Or if I did, it just went right over my head. So I met my stepbrother Matt when I was late in college, like six weeks away from graduation. So I mean, at this point I had done everything right in my life. I went to my dream college. I was gonna graduate in six weeks. I didn't have a job yet, but I'm like, everything's gonna be great. Like I did everything I was supposed to do. And then it was actually at my dad's wedding to Matt's mom. So my parents had gotten divorced a couple of years earlier. That was a whole thing, but it's not really relevant except for the fact that they got divorced and that's how it is. So. So it was like April, I go to my dad's house for the weekend, cuz they're getting married. It's you know, gonna be at this beautiful thing at the church. And then I get to meet her family for the first time. And so her two sons were there and one of them, he was married, he had a kid. Kid was adorable. And the other one is Matt, who I was 21 and he was 37. And right away like we had dinner, like all of the family had dinner at my dad's house. And it was just like some kind of like attraction, kind of some kind of spark. Like I remember somebody gave a toast or like said a prayer or something before we all had dinner. And then like he and I like locked eyes and he was just like smirking about something that was about love because they were having a toast about love because it was a wedding weekend. And so I was like, oh, I think he likes me. And this is kind of a big deal because one, I think he's hot and two, he's older than me and he's cool and he's like successful and he actually likes me, the 21 year old. Like, yeah, I never, I've been in like very minor relationships. I've kind of dated around at this point, but I've never been in a serious relationship. I'VE never had what I consider a boyfriend up until this point. So I'm like, wow, this is, like, never happened before.

[Devorah Vora]

And this was the first time you met him?

[Laura]

First time I met him. So I didn't know anything about him except for him just being my new stepmom's son. And so very first time that we met, and then the next day is when our parents got married. And then at the reception, he kissed me. And I was like, oh, man, this is happening. And I was. I remember I was texting my friends back at school and I was like, oh, my God. I met this guy and he kissed me. And this is so cool. And they're like, okay, just be careful, all of this stuff. And I was not careful. And I was not thinking to be careful. I was just very much thinking, this guy likes me. This is great. I'm super happy.

[Devorah Vora]

Now, quick question. Were you. Did you have any thoughts at this time of being nervous of, like, well, he's my stepbrother. Like, no one can find out. Or were you kind of just like in this trance of like. Like you said, like, he. He likes me and I think he's hot.

[Laura]

I never thought anything about him being my stepbrother. Okay. It was something where. Yes, yes, he is. Or technically it is, but.

[Devorah Vora]

And it's hard too, because you just met him.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

Brother, sister, relationship, like, leading up to it.

[Laura]

And he was so much older than me.

[Devorah Vora]

Right.

[Laura]

I didn't. I didn't think of anything. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah, he's just.

[Devorah Vora]

So the kiss, did he pull you aside? Like, was it private?

[Laura]

No, it was so not private. It was like on the dance floor at the wedding reception.

[Devorah Vora]

Did anyone see?

[Laura]

Yeah, I remember my aunt. So my dad's sister was like, whoa, stay away from him. And yeah, she was like, oh, what's going on there? And I'm like, I don't know. You told me. I don't know what's going on. All I know is that this is neat. Wow.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay, so it wasn't, like, secretive at all?

[Laura]

No, not. Not really. Okay.

[Devorah Vora]

Hi, guys. It's me, Devorah. I am so excited to finally share this with you all. I've officially launched a new subscription description channel called We're All Insane. Plus where inside you will get access to never before heard bonus episodes, all podcast episodes, completely commercial free. And my brand new show, We're All Healing, where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors and healers to talk about how we actually process pain, reconnect with our true selves and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to We're All Insane plus in app on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or you can head over to we're all insane.com to learn more. Hi guys, it's me, Dvora. The We're All Insane merch store is officially open. I've been working so hard on this line and really made it with you in mind and I'm so excited. We have totes tumblers, sweatshirts and my personal favorite, the crew necks with the matching sweatpants. And let me just tell you, they are so comfortable and so so soft. It is my favorite thing to wear and the colors are so cute. This is my very first launch and we only printed a limited amount so once it is gone, it's gone. So make sure you head to we're all insane.com and grab yours today. It's a new year and if we're being honest, a lot of us don't feel like ourselves anymore. Stress, Trauma, Survival mode. It all shows up in the body and weight management can feel especially overwhelming when you've already been carrying so much. With so many options for weight loss, it's hard to know who to trust and what actually work and what's safe. That's why I want to tell you about Weight loss by hers. Through hers, you're connected with a licensed medical provider who actually learns your story and determines if treatment is right for you. If prescribed, your plan is personalized and can include options like oral medication kits or GLP1 injectables, plus nutrition tips, tracking tools and 24. 7 support. This isn't about punishing your body, it's about steady, realistic progress without the yo yoing feel like your best self again. Visit for hers.cominsane to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you. That's f o r h r s.cominsane for hers.com insane weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fdi. Prescription is required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and fan.

[Laura]

Purchased and I don't know who saw. I was very much like, okay, totally in public in front of everybody. Like everybody was in the room.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

So who knows who actually saw anything.

[Devorah Vora]

And it's hard too, you know. Like I feel like there is a very real thing about not choosing who we have an attraction to, not choosing who that spark comes with. You know what I mean? So it's like some people have never felt that in their lives sucks for you, but, like, that is a real thing. And sometimes two people just connect without words, without any. Like, it just. It happens, you know? Maybe not in the best of circumstances sometimes, but it does.

[Laura]

Yeah. So I was staying that evening at my uncle's house.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

And Matt was staying back at my dad's house. And he invited me to go sightseeing with them. So this is in Chicago. Matt and his brother and, like, that whole group had never really been to Chicago before, hadn't seen anything. So he invited me to go out with them the next day. And I said, okay, but all of my stuff is still at my uncle's house. My uncle actually went back to his house, got my suitcase, brought it over so that I could go back to my dad's house and spend the night there. So my dad and my new stepmom, they went to a hotel for a couple of days to have, like, their own private time. And then I was back at the house with Matt and with my other stepbrother and, like, his family. So I was gonna sleep on the couch, or Matt. One of us was gonna sleep on the couch. And then that didn't happen. We ended up, like, as soon as everybody else, like, went to bed and left, like, we started making out, and then we went to bed, and then we had sex with each other. And then.

[Devorah Vora]

And he was your first?

[Laura]

He was my first. I didn't tell him that. I was, like, terrified that he would know. Yeah. And that, like, this. Because at this point, like, I had learned a little bit more about him. Apparently, he had been married before. I was like, oh, crap, he's been married before. He's, like. Knows what he's doing. Yeah, I have no idea what I'm doing. But, I mean, it was. It was fine. It was, like, my first time, and it was good, and I enjoyed it, and everything was great. And then the next day, for some reason, my stepmom came with us, but not my dad. I don't know where my dad was, but it was. So my two stepbrothers, my stepmom and I. And Matt is, like, very openly, like, arm around me, kissing me right in front of the stepmom. So, like, not hiding it at all. And at one point, he even asked. Like, he even asked his mom. He was like, are you okay with this? Is this okay? And she was like, whatever. I don't care. I was like, okay, huh? But it was also super creepy. Like, this guy is kind of a creep. He totally was excited about calling me his little sister and referring to me that way and being like, oh, you're my little sis. Oh, oh, I'm going to protect you, little sis. But not really. Like, he was. Yeah. Very drawn to that.

[Devorah Vora]

Right. Like, it wasn't like. It was just, okay, we really like each other. It's a spark. It was kind of like that. But then also this kind of like.

[Laura]

Fetish, almost fetish, taboo kind of.

[Devorah Vora]

Right. I mean, for some people, that gets him off.

[Laura]

Yeah. So he was very.

[Devorah Vora]

And that started, like, right away.

[Laura]

That started right away.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

He was very into it. And then while we're out, like, doing some tours and like, seeing some stuff in Chicago, I find out, like, kind of passively that he has a girlfriend and that this is like a weekend fling thing. And I'm like, did I hear that right? Yeah, that he has a girlfriend. And I'm like, petrified at this point. I don't know what to say. I've never been in this situation before. I don't know what to do. And I was like, I'm just gonna ignore that for now. I'm just gonna have a good day. I'm going back to school tomorrow. It's, you know, everything will be fine, or we're fine, and then we'll just see where this goes from here. Because, like, he lived back. So my family growing up, lived in Florida, and then I was in school in Chicago. So, like, I grew up in Florida, moved to Chicago. My dad moved to Chicago after the divorce, so he lived in Florida. So he wasn't close. I knew that this wasn't going to be, like, long term. A long term, serious thing. I remember telling him that I was going to miss him, and he was like, oh, that's sweet. Right. He was not. Not into it. Very dismissive. Very like, oh, you're so young.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

Kind of thing. I'm like, well, that's great. And so after we do all the sightseeing, we go back to our dad's house and we do sleep together again. And then the next day, I'm leaving to go back to school.

[Devorah Vora]

Now, was your dad aware of this?

[Laura]

I don't know. And even to this day, I don't know. Okay. My assumption is that my stepmom told him at some point, okay. Because she was very aware. But I also, knowing her, would not be surprised if she didn't say anything. She had a tendency to be a bit of a secretive person or. Welcome to the strata. There's two of them following me. I know that for sure.

[Devorah Vora]

Hand over the package and we'll let you go.

[Laura]

You'll let me go? Oh, that's cute. The first bullet hits me in the chest, sends me staggering back a step. All right, you. Look out. Let's go. Move it. Yeah. Run. That's it. And spread the word. Don't mess with rust ever. Anyone who tries is gonna. Oh, forget it. The Strata. In a dystopian city, an aging courier.

[C]

Is forced to go into business with.

[Laura]

An underworld ganglord in order to pay for the treatment that keeps him alive. Check out the Strata anywhere you listen to podcasts.

[C]

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[Laura]

Keep things from my dad. Spoiler alert. They did not stay married for super long. They were only married for a couple of years before they split up, but I don't think my dad ever knew. Okay. I recently told my brother who was there. He was present for this whole thing. He wasn't at the house, but he was around. And he seemed a little bit protective at. At first, when we were still at the wedding, he seemed a little protective of me and everything and just being near. Near Matt. But I recently told him, like, just a couple of months ago, I told him, and he was like, yeah, I had no idea. Wow. Okay. So he had no idea. But I said goodbye to Matt. I went back to school, he went back to Florida. And he had told me he travels a lot for work and he would love to, like, fly me out to where he's traveling and, like, have weekends with me or things like that. And so in my mind, I'm like, oh, I guess that's fine. You know, I'm not seeing anybody else. I'm young. I don't really care, so. And I like him.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

So I think that's fine. And then a couple of days later, I don't really hear from him. This is like 2007, so we can text each other, but people aren't really texting yet. I called him once, but I got like, his machine and he never called me back kind of thing. But, like, he emailed Me a couple of times during this, like, interim period. And then two or three days before my birthday, so it's two weeks later. So it's almost my birthday. Right before my birthday, he sends me an email and he says, this isn't going to work out, see ya kind of thing. And I'm like, well, that's great. That kind of sucks. But, you know, I kind of like, what was I thinking? Like, I didn't really expect this to go on, and I knew that he was with somebody and I was just like, that's, that's fine, whatever. But at the same time, I'm thinking, I think I might be pregnant. Like, just have this, like, inkling in my brain, like, I think that I think I might be pregnant. And so I'm in college, so I go to First I go to the drugstore and just get a pregnancy test and I take it and I think I see a line. And then I was in a sorority house at this time. So I go to one of my sisters and I'm like, what do you, what do you think? What do you think you see here? And she's like, I, I don't think so. I think it's negative. And I'm like, I don't know. So I go to the colleges, like, health center, and have them give me a pregnancy test. And they're like, yes, it's positive. Okay, well, he just broke up with me yesterday, so this isn't great.

[Devorah Vora]

So I'm assuming you guys did not use protection and he just did his thing.

[Laura]

He just did his thing. And that's just crazy.

[Devorah Vora]

Like, you know, that he just wouldn't.

[Laura]

He didn't think about it. Yeah, like, he didn't bring it up. I never brought it up.

[Devorah Vora]

And he never asked, like, oh, are you on birth control?

[Laura]

No, Nothing. No conversation whatsoever. And even so afterwards, I told a couple of my friends, I was like, oh, we slept together. And it was a whole, like, I was so excited about it because I like, lost my virginity and it was so cool. And this guy was so cool. And they were like, did you use protection? I was like, no, like, you should get a morning after pill. And I was like, yeah, you're probably right. And when I went back to school, so again, it's 2007, you can get the morning after pill at a pharmacy, but you have to, like, go to the pharmacy and ask for it. So I went to the pharmacy, I asked for it, and they didn't have any.

[Devorah Vora]

Wow, okay.

[Laura]

And I was like, okay, bye. And then I Just never did anything. Damn, that's crazy. Yeah, is. It was crazy. And so that's kind of how that very obviously happens. Like, we did nothing. I didn't take a morning after pill. Very obviously, like, yeah, you're going to get pregnant if you're at the right time.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

So I did. And I had no idea what to do. So at this point, it's mid May, like early mid May, and I'm graduating in mid June and I don't have a job. I don't even have really a place to live at this point because I could live with my dad, but I don't really get along very well with him and my stepmom and they just got married, so I don't really want to move in with them and they don't really have room for me either. I. My mom, who I'm very close to, she and I were very apart at this time because she was in a relationship where I didn't really like the other person that much. And. And they were going to move to Arkansas and I didn't want to move to Arkansas. Like, I knew nothing there. I had no connections there whatsoever. So I didn't want to move back in with her because I didn't want to go to Arkansas and especially when she was with somebody who I didn't really like and we didn't get along. So at this point, I don't really have a place to live, I don't have a job. And now I'm pregnant and I'm freaking out. And again, I'm starting to think of all of the things in my life that I was supposed to be the best at or I was supposed to be good for, and one of them was not getting pregnant. But then I did and I felt so ashamed of myself and I had no idea how I was going to tell my mom and disappoint her and tell her, hey, I'm pregnant just like everybody else. Like, I'm like, sorry, I know you want me to turn out different. And I know I tried to do everything to turn out different, but I ended up in the same place as everybody else.

[Devorah Vora]

Now, when you found out, did you tell him right away or did you?

[Laura]

I did.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay. And what was his reaction?

[Laura]

So I hadn't replied yet to his breakup email. So I replied and I was like, hey, can you call me? We need to talk. And I told him on the phone and he's like, well, I guess I have to break up with my girlfriend. I was like, if you want, I'm not saying we have to be together. And I don't think he was saying that we should be together or in any way, but he was like, well, I cheated on her and now you're pregnant, so I'm definitely gonna break up with her. But he said, I think. I think you should get rid of it. I don't think you should have this baby. And I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and then he said that. And I was like, well, I kind of guess that I should do that. But at the same time, I was like, well, I kind of want to keep it, but then, like, how am I going to tell my family?

[Devorah Vora]

And I feel like too, it's so hard because you were so naive in that realm of things, you know, like, it was so much at once, and you had no understanding experience under your belt with it. And then on top of it, you guys aren't together, he's telling you to get rid of it. What else? What? Like, you know what I mean? Just like, it wouldn't. It's hard, you know, it's like in that moment, I feel like anyone would just be like, all right, let me just. Not then, you know.

[Laura]

Right. And so I didn't have any sort of, like, moral dilemma about an abortion. I mean, I grew up Catholic. My family was very Catholic. I went to Catholic school my whole life. And obviously they are very pro life and that is very much how they. They feel. But, like, for me, it just didn't. I didn't really have a side one way or another.

[Devorah Vora]

It was more so like, what's best.

[Laura]

For me in my life now. Right. So I didn't necessarily have a moral dilemma about it. It was more that I just didn't know if I wanted to keep it or not. And so I asked him, I was like, if I do decide to keep this baby, are you going to help me financially? Like, what. What is your role going to be? And he very much hedged the question. And he was very adamant, like, no, you should get rid of it. And he said, I've been in this situation before. I think you should get rid of it. I was like, okay, so this isn't his first time doing something like this. And he has a very strong opinion about it. And I was like, fine, well, I'm a broke college student. I need you to pay for it. He said, okay. So I already had a trip to Florida planned. Already planned, booked and everything to go see friends. Okay. So I flew down to Florida, and then he lived in the same area. So I was staying with a friend. He came over and gave me a check, essentially to pay for the abortion.

[Devorah Vora]

Was he flirty at all?

[Laura]

He was. Oh, my gosh. I'm so incensed about this because men. Men. So he. I'm at my friend's house. It's just me and her there, and she's still sleeping. It's kind of early in the morning, so she's in her bedroom still sleeping. And I'm out in the living room watching tv. And he comes up, like, the walkway to the house. And I remember looking at him being like, why am I attracted to this man? And I just felt nothing for him whatsoever. He comes in, I'm thinking, he's just gonna, like, give me money and leave. No. He comes in, he sits down. I remember there's a music video playing on the tv, and it's, like, very flirty and very sexual, and he's just kind of, like, giving me the eyebrows. Are you serious right now? You're here to give me money for an abortion, not to hook up again. And obviously, he's a man, so he's like, we're not gonna get more pregnant. Like, no. And we definitely did not do anything because I was. For you. I was done with it at this point. I was like, give me the money and get right. Get the hell out. Yeah. And I remember after he left, my friend came out of her room, and I was like, do you believe this man just tried to have sex with me right now?

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

Oh, my God.

[Devorah Vora]

A piece of work.

[Laura]

Yeah. So went back to school, and it was a couple of days before graduation at this point, and I had an appointment. So it was like, the week of graduation. So I'm going to graduate on, like, Friday or Saturday, and it's like, Thursday, and I go to my appointment. And to save money, I wanted to be awake during the procedure because it was like, $200 more if they, like, knock you out. And it was a horrifying procedure. Not in the sense that, like.

[Devorah Vora]

Are you comfortable talking about it?

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

Not in the sense, like, it was like, you know, violent or like, anything like that or that I had a big fear of. Was just. I remember during the procedure, I felt like I was going to die. Like, something was going on. I don't know if I was having a panic attack, which very, very much could have been this case, or maybe I just wasn't breathing properly, but I felt like I am dying right now. Like, was it painful? No. Okay. There was no pain whatsoever. Like, I could feel like I Could hear it and I could kind of feel like going around, but like, I couldn't. There was no pain whatsoever. And then I just. I felt like my soul was like leaving.

[Devorah Vora]

Like an out of body experience.

[Laura]

Yeah. And there was somebody there holding my hand because I was there alone. Right. Like, most of my friends weren't on campus anymore because it was graduation week. And then my friends who were there on campus were like, their families were there for graduation. So, like, nobody was going to come with me at this point. So I went by myself. And there was just a woman there who was just a nurse or an aide or something like that. And she. Her whole job was just to hold my hand. And she was talking to me and looking me in my eyes. Be like, you're fine. Come back.

[Devorah Vora]

You're good.

[Laura]

Like, just kind of keeping me grounded. But I remember thinking that, like, I'm going to die, you know? But it didn't last very long. I got my wits about me. I was able to calm down enough and everything went medically fine.

[Devorah Vora]

How long is that procedure? Is it quick or.

[Laura]

It was pretty quick. Okay. It was just a couple minutes.

[Devorah Vora]

Wow.

[Laura]

Yeah. Very quick. It was kind of like they numb you up. They go in there, they do something, you're done. It is crazy. Wow.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

Yeah. And did you feel.

[Devorah Vora]

I know that you felt during, you know, like you were gonna die. Did you feel any sadness?

[Laura]

So, not at that moment. And then I sat up and I had like, when, you know, when you have your period and, like, you feel it coming out, you feel your blood coming out. I sat up and I felt. I felt myself having what, you know, what essentially is a period. And I remember being like, this was the wrong decision and it was too late. Obviously it was done, it was over. But I remember thinking, like, I sat up and I was like, why did I do that? That was not the right thing to do. Why did I do that? And I was very. Like, I immediately regretted it. Like, instantaneously regretted it. And that is the start of the guilt. So, like, the recovery from it was just like a period they gave me. They give you some medication and stuff to take so that you don't get an infection, but for the most part it's just like kind of having a bad period. And so I just remember going back to the house I was living in just for a couple more days, and then just feeling this overwhelming, like, regret. Like the whole train ride home, getting, like, walking back to my house, going back in the house and then being alone. And there's Nobody there because it's, you know, graduation week, so there's really not a lot of people there. And just being like, what the hell did I just do? Why did. Why did I make that decision? And that's kind of like the whole start of, like, the after. I keep thinking of it as after, like, everything in my life before and after. And at this point, I still don't have a job, but I have a place to live. My sister asked me to move in with her. She just called me up kind of randomly and was just like, hey, do you have a job? Why don't you come live with me, and you can try to find a job while you're here. So I had a place to live. I went by her. I did not tell her. I didn't tell anybody. So, like, even that weekend, like, all my family was there for my graduation. There was, like, beautiful time, like, pictures and all this stuff, and I'm just thinking, like, the whole time, like, I just had an abortion, and I'm horrible, and I can't believe I just did that and went to go live with my sister. And I was extremely depressed. Yeah, for those first couple of months afterwards. I remember I went to go see a movie with my nephew and his friend, and for whatever reason, I had to get up and pee a couple of times, like, just drink too much water or whatever. And at one point, I was like, okay, I'm gonna go get up and pee. And one of them is like, are you pregnant? Like, why do you keep peeing? And I'm just like, shock. Like, total shock. Like, all the blood drains from my face. And I'm just like, I cannot believe you just asked me that. And I'm like, I had to, like, run away and, like, go cry about it, because I just couldn't believe it. Like, those kind of things just, like, trigger you, and you don't expect them. And then I was extremely triggered from that, and I had not a serious pain attack, but a mild panic attack from. From that.

[Devorah Vora]

Did Matt ever ask you how it went?

[Laura]

I never spoke to him again after he gave the money. It's crazy, and I mean, that's kind of a lie. He did send me a Facebook message many years later, like, I would say, like, three or four years later, and was just like, hey, how are you? Haven't heard from you a while. Just want to see how you're doing. Want to see if you want to reconnect. And I sent him this long message back that was like, I have been severely traumatized by you and I never want to see you again.

[Devorah Vora]

Did he respond?

[Laura]

No. I think I blocked him. Before he could. I just sent it, and I was like, don't ever contact me again. And he never did. And I haven't spoken to him since.

[Devorah Vora]

So really, he doesn't even grasp or understand what he caused.

[Laura]

He has no idea? No. So I'm having a lot of regret about this. And I'm thinking, with my lifelong Catholic education, I'm like, God is going to punish me for doing this, so I am going to get punished in some way. Like, God always forgives. So he's going to forgive me. But just like any parent, they're going to forgive you, but they're still going to punish you. And God is going to punish me. And I'm never going to be able to have kids, ever. I'm never going to have my own kid. I'm never going to get pregnant again. That's like, this is going to be my punishment for the rest of my life because I did this. So that's just something I thought that's something that I internalized on myself and put on myself for from that point on. While I'm living with my sister, I get a job, I meet my husband. So it's been about six months since graduation when my husband and I start dating. And he's just amazing. I mean, we're still. It's been 15 years we've been married.

[Devorah Vora]

Congratulations.

[Laura]

Yeah. Like, he's amazing, and I love him to death. Like, he is wonderful. I did tell him kind of early in the relationship about Matt and about the whole situation. And he was like, I'm so sorry you went through that. And I was like, what happens if, like, you get me pregnant? And he's like, well, I'll marry you. I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, that's amazing, because I want to marry you anyway.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

So we get married around, like, two and a half years after we start dating. So, like, halfway through that, we get engaged, then we get married, and we're married for a year or two before we decide we want to have kids. So we go. I get off of birth control, I start trying to have kids with him, and it just doesn't happen. And he goes to see a fertility specialist. I go as well. They deem that there's nothing wrong with me, but there's something wrong with, like, his, like, sperm count, mobility, whatever. I don't really know, but I know that it's just unlikely to happen naturally. So they put me on, like, these Meds that make me like extra fertile. They put him on some kind of regimen so that he can be extra fertile. And they're like, go try it for a while. And we try for a while. And then I think that put a big strain on our marriage because we were trying and of the time and trying and nothing. And trying and nothing. So ultimately we were like, we can't do this naturally. So we have a couple of options in front of us. We could go IVF or we could go adoption.

[Devorah Vora]

And at this point, were you blaming yourself?

[Laura]

Yes.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

The whole time I'm blaming myself.

[Devorah Vora]

Like, this is because of what I did.

[Laura]

This is, this is my fault. And I, I'm not as severely depressed as I was like for those first couple of months afterwards. But anything abortion related triggered me very, very badly. So a commercial on tv, a plot point in a show is very common. There would be like protest, random protests somewhere in town and we would drive by them. I remember I was on the phone with my husband on the way home from work. I was like, just on my way home talking to him and a truck goes by with like an anti abortion sign on the truck and I just break down into tears. I have to pull over. I am completely annihilated. Like I cannot even get myself together. And I'm crying on the phone with him for a long time until I'm able to finally pull myself together. And I remember we went to like this like town festival and there were abortion protesters outside the festival and I couldn't go in. We went back to the car, went back home because I immediately started crying. So it was an extreme trigger for me throughout this whole time. And I am just, you know, this is my fault. I did this. I made this decision. It is totally my fault. And something I do want to make clear is that I'm still very much pro choice at this point. Like I made this decision. This is my fault. This is something I should not have done. But I in no way feel like that applies to anybody else. Yeah, that is very much my own internal decision. Anybody else can do whatever they want. Yeah. But for me, I, I still to this day I feel like it's the wrong decision, even though I've made peace with it at this point.

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[Laura]

Yeah, I kind of. I still feel that when there's no.

[Devorah Vora]

You know, you felt the way you did. Right. Like, well, during, but then even right after you knew right away. And I don't think that's something that you change your mind on. That's just how you truly felt, you know, and that's just, like you said, that that's your case.

[Laura]

Mm.

[Devorah Vora]

And I think that that's something that, like, you. All you can do is, over time, make peace with that. But, like, doesn't mean it's going to change, you know, like, oh, like, never mind. I made the right decision. You know what I mean? It's just something where you're. You grasp it in many different ways.

[Laura]

Right. So we are at kind of a junction where we decide either we want to go IVF or we want to go adoption. And in my mind, I'm thinking I am never going to be pregnant because I'm being punished. So even if we go ivf, it's not going to work. We're going to spend all this money. Like, logically, it's around the same amount of money to go either path for us. So we're not going to go that way because it's just not going to work for me. I know it right now. Even not considering science or medicine or anything like that, I'm just in my gut, I know that's not going to work. So we decided to go the adoption route, and there's a lot of stuff we have to do to prepare for it. Like, we bought a house, and then we saved up our money and stuff, and then we finally found an agency, and everything worked out the way that we wanted it to, to start the process for adoption. And we have one of the most unusual adoption cases because we had five adoption failures in a row before we got our son. And everybody that I spoke to, even we had two separate agencies that we had, are kind of like a broker almost, where people like the birth mothers contact them and they connect you with a birth family. But there's also a separate agency that does all of, like, the paperwork, like the home study, and you have to get a foster license technically before you adopt. So all of that, like, bureaucracy kind of stuff is a different agency. But everybody I'm talking to at both agencies are like, I've never seen somebody go through this many failures, and why.

[Devorah Vora]

Was it a failure? So, just like, multiple different factors.

[Laura]

Multiple different factors. And I can kind of talk about them. I won't go into too much detail, because they're not my stories to tell.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

But, you know, and a birth mom has every right to keep her kid for whatever reason up until the point of when they terminate their rights. And so the very first one, I remember being very skeptical about it and my husband being very optimistic about it. So we're in contact with the mom. We had been matched for a while. We're, like, texting her. Everything seems to be going fine. She texts us and says, I'm going into labor. Can you come down? And this is in. We're in Milwaukee. This is in Chicago. So it's like an hour and a half drive. So we drive down there, and then we're texting her, what hospital are you at? And she never replies. And then keep trying to contact her. She never replies, never replies. And finally, the agency gets in contact with her, and she decides to keep the child. So that was very devastating for us on multiple ways, but all of them were devastating in multiple levels. But that was the first time it had happened. And Franklin was very. My husband. Franklin was very optimistic about the whole thing. He was like, yeah, this is going to work. We're gonna have a baby today. This is gonna be great. And I was just like, yeah, you know, she has time before she can make her decision. So I don't want to get excited, get too excited. So I'm guarded. But he's not. And he was crushed. I'm sure that first time he was. He had absolutely no, no idea that it would not work out. So that did not go well. And in my brain I'm like, well, that's because you're never going to have a baby. So just deal with it. Like this is going to happen every time. The next one, we're in Milwaukee, she's in Dallas. We drive all the way down to Dallas, same situation. Like, we have been talking to her and texting her and all this stuff. We drive down to Dallas, we go to the hospital. She tells us the name of the hospital. We get there and they say that she's not there. There's nobody by that name there. And it's like one o' clock in the morning. We're like, are you serious? So we end up spending the night, try to contact her. She never replies. The agency's trying to contact her. No reply. She's like, she doesn't have her own phone. She's using our brother's phone. So we are talking to the brother and the brother's like, oh, she's in the hospital. We just, you know, need some time. But it didn't work out. So that also sucked. But that sucked even more because we drove all the way down to Dallas and now we have to drive all the way back. And then we had one where we were on the phone with her, and then it didn't work out. She didn't pick us. So we had a long conversation. We thought that we vibed with her, didn't work out. So that one didn't hurt as much. It was just kind of like, oh, bummer. And then we had one in Mississippi. And that one was really tough because that. That mom we were very close to, we had been with her for a long time. We were matched with her a couple of months before she had the baby. We talked to her several times. We really connected with her. We went down and saw her and the baby in the hospital, and the baby was born on Christmas Eve. And she's like, merry Christmas. Here's your baby. You know, all of this kind of like, my job's done. Here's your baby. You take her all of this stuff, and then we come back the next day when baby and her are going to be released, and she's different. You can kind of tell, like, her mood has changed a little bit. And she's like, can I just take the baby for a little bit? Take her out of the hospital. We're like, okay. And then they call us in the. In a gas station parking Lot. They, like, hand over the baby to us and they're like, here you go, here's the baby. We're done. We had some time with her, said goodbye, now here's your baby. So we have this baby in our possession for, like, a couple of hours at this point. And I remember trying desperately to connect with this baby, like, very much, being like, oh, this is our baby. Let me feed her. I'm gonna love her. Trying to call her by, like, the name that we had picked out for her and all this stuff. And I'm just not feeling it. Like, you know, you think about, like, what people say when they have a baby and, like, the connection and even if it's not your baby, like, you have that kind of instant connection between the two of you. And I remember, like, holding this baby and feeding this baby and being like, I just don't. I really want this to work out, but I just don't feel anything for this baby. And I don't know why that was, but it just wasn't there. And we have her for like, four or five hours before the mom calls us and says, I want the baby back. That's her right. She hasn't signed the paperwork yet. The paperwork's not going to be signed for another, like, two days because different states have different times that the mother has to decide on whether or not she's going to keep the baby. So she technically still has two more days. So we give the baby back and then she doesn't show up for the parental. Right. Termination. And we kind of knew it. We kind of knew when we came back that next day and her mood had shifted, that she was not following through. She was not gonna follow through. And even so, I was like, I don't feel like this is my baby anyway. You could probably.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah, I think you sensed it too.

[Laura]

Yeah. So that one really sucked because we had a physical baby.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

In our arms, and then the baby had to be given back and all of this stuff. And at this point, we're at the end of our adoption contract because you have two years on your contract, and after the two years, you have to pay all of the money again. So essentially, like, to renew it. To renew it. So you like signing a brand new contract. We're like, do we even want to do that? Because that's a lot of money. Yeah. And we have to go through all of this again. And our, like, we're totally bummed at this point and have gone through so many failures. People are telling us, like, this is so abnormal. Like, this has never happened to any family we've ever worked with before. And I'm like, well, it's because I'm never gonna have a baby. I know this, like, in my brain, I'm just like, well, I know. I know all of these are gonna fail. They're never gonna work out. And it's around this time, I think, maybe actually before we had. Before that baby in Mississippi was born, that I went to therapy because I knew, like, this is not right. I can't, like, keep blaming myself. I can't keep having this guilt on myself. This.

[Devorah Vora]

Gotta talk about it.

[Laura]

I need to talk to somebody about it. So I find a therapist and end up only having three sessions with her. I only. Only needed three sessions with her. But basically what we talked about was letting go of my abortion and just letting go of that and stop blaming myself for that and stop having all of these, like, negative connotations with what had happened, like, blaming yourself so many years ago. Because this is, like 2018 at this point. So this is over 10 years since it's happened. And I'm still internalizing it and I'm still saying, like, I'm never getting pregnant because this is my punishment. I'm never going to have a baby because this is my punishment. This is what is happening to me. And we're gonna keep trying, but it's never gonna happen. So I went to therapy. The therapist had me write a letter to my baby, and I did, and I apologize. And I said, it's time to let you go. And, you know, goodbye, we're done. And then the next failure happens. And I'm like, I'm still pretty bummed about it, but at the same time, this is the one where I'm like, I'm just not feeling it. And then they come, the agency comes back to us, and they're like, we can renew your contract for three months and we'll see what happens. But after that, we can't renew it again. You have to. You have to redo the whole thing. And during that three months is when we get matched with my son's mom. And even so, during that time, it's not that long after the previous failure. It's like only a couple of days, maybe a couple of weeks. And we're like, do we even want to do this right now? And I. I convinced my husband. I was like, listen, this is probably our last shot because she is not due until after our renewal is over. So it's kind of like, now this is it. Like, either we Take this or we don't have another chance unless we want to decide to pay all the money again. And at this point, we were like, we're. We're not gonna do that. We had made that decision. We were going to take a break at least before considering it again. So we make a decision. We're like, okay, well, we'll stay with her, we'll accept this match, and we'll see if it works out. And we talked to her several times. We actually went to visit her. This is the only difference between her and all the other ones is we went to visit her while she was still pregnant. It. So this was in Atlanta. So we flew down to Atlanta, had a nice little weekend, went sightseeing, had dinner with her. It was just. Wasn't anything special. We just kind of talked to her a little bit about herself and, like, you know, told her a little bit more about us in person and just, like, had a nice dinner. And that was really all of our interaction with her. I do think that made a difference. Okay. In her decision to. Because she got to physically meet us. We weren't just people on a phone that you. That you could ghost at this point. We were. We were real people, and I think that helped. So she goes into labor. We drive down to Atlanta, and we get there at like one o' clock in the morning, and the baby's in the nicu. He had, like, that jaundice thing going on, so they had him under lights in the nicu. And so visiting a baby in the NICU is very difficult. They. You have to have a code from, like, the mom to be able to even go in and see the baby. And we're like, okay, we don't have a code. It's one o' clock in the morning. The mom is asleep. I don't want to bother her at one o' clock in the morning, but can I please just see the baby? And they were very nice. They had no idea what was going on with an adoption. They had no idea how to handle it, but they were very nice. And they said, okay, you can go in one at a time and you can see the baby for, like, five minutes. And so I went in and I looked at the baby and I'm like, that is my son.

[Devorah Vora]

Wow.

[Laura]

Like, immediately I'm like, this is my son. And I knew right away. And there was, like, no questioning whatsoever. And so the next day, we actually meet them in the hospital. And she was very logical. Well, everybody else had been very emotional about their decisions. She was just like, I don't have a car. I don't have a car seat. I don't have anywhere to put this baby. Like.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah. Just doesn't make sense.

[Laura]

It doesn't make sense for me to keep this baby. Like, what am I gonna do with it? I can't even take it home. And so she. They in Georgia, they sign the paperwork pretty quickly. I think it might be. It's either 24 or 48 hours after birth, but then they still have five days after that to make their decision. So they can kind of like go back on the paperwork for five days.

[Devorah Vora]

That's so nerve wracking. Like, I would not like that.

[Laura]

Yeah, I. It's where we lived in Wisconsin. It was 30 days, which is crazy.

[Devorah Vora]

Because, you know, obviously like it. I understand to give the mother the right, but like, let's take into consideration all the hormones, all the emotion.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

Like, that doesn't mean that that lifestyle would be fit for that child in comparison to people that are adopting because they want to start a family, not because. You know what I mean? Like, that makes it difficult.

[Laura]

And I could go. I could go speak for hours about adoption and how I feel about that. But I will say, like, there are people who probably shouldn't have kept their babies, that kept their babies.

[Devorah Vora]

Right.

[Laura]

But in the end, that's not my decision.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

It's their decision. The rules. That's the rules. So it is what it is. And I try not to think about it too much because then it'll just make me sad. But with this one, with our son, like, it was very much a black and white. I cannot take care of this baby. You can take care of this baby. Here you go. And it also helped that the baby was in the nicu. So the baby wasn't right there with her. She didn't have to take care of it. She bonding, didn't have to bond. She didn't have to worry about it because the baby was gone. And she could go see it if she wanted to, but she didn't have to. And I don't. I think she went and said goodbye to him before she left the hospital. But.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay, that was it. Now, are they allowed to stay in contact with you guys?

[Laura]

Yes.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

So it depends on the type of adoption you choose. You can choose an open or a closed adoption. So closed adoption means no contact whatsoever. Open adoption, you make the rules together. Okay, so we have her phone number. She has our phone number. If she wants to call us, we. She can. We know her name, we know where she lives. Roughly. Like, we don't have her address, but we know roughly where she is. So if we wanted to find her, we very easily could. If we wanted to talk to her, we very easily could.

[Devorah Vora]

Now, how would you feel if she wanted to be a part of your baby's life? Let's say, like, five years, 10 years down the road.

[Laura]

I think that's okay. Okay. And so my son is six now. Okay. He asks about her sometimes, and we have pictures of her that we show him, and we're like, this is your birth mommy. You grew up in her tummy, and then she gave you to us so that we could be your parents. And he's like, I want to meet her. I want to know more about her. And I'm like, well, that's her decision to make at this point. So she checked in a couple of times after he was born, maybe up to about a year, and then that was okay. That was it. It was mostly just text, like, how is he doing? How's. How's this going? That was it. Yeah. Send me a picture. That's really it. So we haven't spoken to her five years. Ish.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

And I don't want my son to interact with her until she's ready.

[Devorah Vora]

Mm.

[Laura]

So at this point, he's way too young to really understand.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

That she's not ready. So I'm kind of like, hedging that line. But if he's 15 and he's like, I wanna meet her, I'm gonna be like, okay, yeah, we can reach out to her and see how she feels about that.

[Devorah Vora]

Right.

[Laura]

And again, it's her decision. You can't force yourself upon her. But if you wanna talk to her at that point, go ahead. Yeah. And if she calls us tomorrow and says, I wanna talk to my son and be like, okay. And then we'll chat, we'll do FaceTime, we'll go see her. I don't know. I'm totally fine with them having some kind of relationship because it is. It is a relationship that could potentially exist, and I don't mind that it exists.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah.

[Laura]

Like, our son is very much aware that we are his parents and that we raised him and that he lives with us and that we love him. But you've got this other family out there that may want to connect with you someday. This message is sponsored by Greenlight. With school out, summer is the perfect time to teach our kids real world money skills they'll use forever. Greenlight is a debit card, and the number one family finance and safety App used by millions of families helping kids learn how to save, invest and spend wisely. Parents can send their kids money and track their spending and saving while kids build money, confidence and skills in fun ways. Start your risk free green light trial [e-mail] Spotify that's greenlight.com Spotify.

[Devorah Vora]

That's incredible.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

Because a lot of people, I'm sure, aren't like that. Yeah, it's hard. It is hard. It's like, I think it's worrisome in a lot of ways. It's like you just don't know, you know, because at the end of the day, everybody's just a human.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

You know, and it's difficult. Do you guys want to adopt again or are you just gonna have one? You think?

[Laura]

No, we're done. Okay. So we knew right away when this one with my son was successful and we were bringing him home. We're like, no, we can't go through this again. Okay. Because there's no guarantee, like we could go through five more failures. And then it just takes a toll on you every single time because you prepare yourself for the worst. But then the worst happens.

[Devorah Vora]

Draining.

[Laura]

And it's draining and it's just so much. It's a lot of money, it's a lot of time. It's a lot of emotional investment to be able to do that again. So I just don't think that we're going to have any more kids. We're done.

[Devorah Vora]

And then when he came into your life, did you feel any more of that guilty feeling or sadness from the abortion? Or do you think that after the sessions with your therapist, you really were able to clear a big chunk of that?

[Laura]

I think my sessions with the therapist really helped.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

I think that got me past so much of it. And then having my son in my life and having an adoption that actually was successful, I think kind of sealed the deal. Like, okay, that chapter of my life is over. Yeah. And now I'm gonna move forward with my son.

[Devorah Vora]

And I think too, to look at it in a way of like, I did something so good, you know, like, I'm giving a child a great life.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

You know, that wouldn't have otherwise. Maybe, maybe not have had that, you know, And I think that's such a rewarding and special thing to do.

[Laura]

Yeah. And I think it's just, it worked out the way that it was to. Supposed. Supposed to. And a lot of things went right too when it happened. So had any of those previous adoptions worked out? I wouldn't have had a paid maternity leave because my. My job didn't offer it for adoption specifically. And then the year Alex was born, so the last baby was born on Christmas Eve, and Alex was born in April. The year. The year that he was born was the first year that they allowed paid maternity leave for adoption. So I was like, all right, I get paid for my leave. Nice.

[Devorah Vora]

Really connect with him and spend that time. Wow, that's incredible.

[Laura]

Yeah. So I got my paid leave. I got all. I got 12 weeks with him before we put him in daycare. Like, everything just worked out the way it was supposed to. And he is so much my son. There's no other mommy for him. Like, he has a birth mom. That's great. But I am his mom.

[Devorah Vora]

Right.

[Laura]

And he is mine. Yeah. And then.

[Devorah Vora]

So that was six years ago, and then it was just recently that you kind of had, I guess, this thought of kind of re. Not Resurfacing, but speaking out about just kind of your whole journey of it.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[Devorah Vora]

Okay.

[Laura]

Yeah. And I just felt like it was the time. It was the time, and it was something that I could share, and maybe somebody could resonate with it, and maybe somebody who either had gone through or is going through a similar situation can.

[Devorah Vora]

Yeah, Even just, like, the adoption aspect or, like, you know, like anything, because. Yeah, you know, I. I really have been wanting to have somebody on the show to speak about the aftermath and the effects of an abortion, because, you know, like, I think that some people might get one and feel like, okay, this was the right decision. Even if they do feel that way, it could still hurt. And I think that it's important for people to know that it isn't just this cut and dry thing. And sometimes you don't even know how it's gonna make you feel until after you do it, which is the hard part. You know, like, it can seem like a very black and white situation, and then you do it. And that is a big thing. You know, it's a big decision, and it's scary, and there's a lot of emotions held there, and I think that there's so many. I tell people this, too. I know I said it kind of in the beginning and every other episode as well, and on my calls, but. But, you know, there's always somebody that can relate to different parts of your story, different aspects of your story. And that's, you know, the beauty of sharing stories, sharing different aspects of it. That's why when I invite people on this show, I'm like, please share every part of Your life, you know, because there's somebody that will hear that and be like, I felt that way, or I went through that, and it's important. And even with the failure aspect of, you know, the adoption, it's like, that could easily be something where you just want to give up because it is so draining.

[Laura]

Right.

[Devorah Vora]

But the outcome was so beautiful, you know? And I know it's like people don't always want to hear it, but things do happen for a reason. Things don't work out and do work out to get you to where you're supposed to be. And I think that, you know, once again, kind of going back to what I said in the beginning as well, you know, you've built this beautiful life for yourself. You know, you have your family. You could keep all this in the past. And while it is there, you know, I think there's something incredible about taking what happened and using it now to help others, you know, and let people know they aren't alone. Because, you know, it's. It's so easy to just, you know, life is busy. It's very easy to just keep the ball rolling, push things in the back. Push things in the back. But it is better to talk about things, you know, even if it is just a few therapy sessions. Like, it's not. Nobody's saying, like, you have to be dedicated and committed to speaking to somebody every day for the rest of your life. But I think acknowledging that it's not fair for you to hold the guilt. It's not like life's too short, you know, like, it's not fair to beat ourselves up, have guilt, have blame, anything. Because that. That takes away from other aspects of our lives, from ourself, from our partner, from children, anything. So I think that it's amazing that you made that decision as well, because that's scary, too, you know, like, even to open up old wounds and be like, all right, where do I start? Like, let me just pour it all out, you know, And I. I think there is something empowering about that because you are able to. To speak out about it and be like, wow, like, I'm stronger than I thought that I'm able to go back through these details. Because it isn't always an easy thing to do.

[Laura]

Yeah, it's not. It's not always easy. And I think it's something that it's easier to talk to a stranger about. Yeah. Than to my family. Because I don't.

[Devorah Vora]

Absolutely.

[Laura]

Because there's no.

[Devorah Vora]

There's not as much judgment there. It's like they're very unbiased. Like, just tell me your story kind of thing.

[Laura]

Yeah. And I don't have to worry about them thinking about it later, bringing it up later like that. So there. There are people in my family that I've opened up to about it since then. Certain people I have not certain people who might learn from it, from this. But it is what it is, and we'll talk about it if we need to talk about it. But I think it's. It was more important for me to just talk about it in general because I feel like somebody else is going to go through this. Even if it's just one part of my story, somebody else is going to go through this.

[Devorah Vora]

Right. And it, like I said, it really is something that. I mean, it's crazy, but, like, it happens every day. You know what I mean? And I think that there are so many different emotions or lack of emotions that people. And maybe the other potential, too, is somebody might make that decision, not feel anything, and then five years down the road, it hits them, you know, like, you never know how you're going to react to something when it's going to come back up. And I think that it's okay to. You can regret things, but still not blame yourself.

[Laura]

Right.

[Devorah Vora]

Because, I mean, we have to be gentle with ourselves. You know, at the end of the day, we're. We have to make decisions sometimes in that moment, and it's very much based on where we are in life, the people around us, the support we have, don't have. And even though sometimes it's decisions that we make, there's a lot more that goes into it, you know, and it's not. It's just not fair.

[Laura]

But it.

[Devorah Vora]

Look where you are now, you know, and it does teach you things, and it allows you to spread awareness and speak out about it. And. Yeah. Honestly, you're an incredible storyteller.

[Laura]

Well, thank you.

[Devorah Vora]

Of course, like, it's very. It's so. It's so amazing to me when people come in, they're like, I've never really shared my story before. And they're like, so good at just executing, you know, what they've been through and how they felt and the different moving parts of it. And I cannot express it enough. I tell people this all the time. It is not an easy thing to do. You know, you're coming to someone you don't know, so you're telling me, and then, you know that, like, there's a camera there. It's going to be online, you know, so it's it's incredible. It's important. And there will always, always, always be somebody that will appreciate it and can relate and is so grateful to hear your story. Because, like, I always say, like, imagine if it was you then, and you could just type something in, and then you just hear this person's story, and you're like, damn, that's exactly how I feel. It makes you feel better. Like, it's like, I'm not alone. I'm not a bad person. Like, you know, I.

[Laura]

Right. I always.

[Devorah Vora]

I'm always so impressed with people's vulnerability when they're able to just sit there and just. Just tell people honestly how something made them feel, because it changes. It changes the trajectory to so many other people's mindsets about themselves and situations they went through.

[Laura]

Well, thank you for having the platform.

[Devorah Vora]

Yes, of course.

[Laura]

I love it here.

[Devorah Vora]

It's incredible. Like, I. It has taught me so much. I learned so much about people. I learned so much about different situations. It's funny because I feel like I go through phases where, you know, for. For a while, I was able to really separate it, you know? And then, like, more recently, I'm, like, more in tune with my emotions. So, like, I'll feel it more when I'm hearing stories and I'm like, oh, God, this is hard.

[Laura]

Like, my eyes.

[Devorah Vora]

But no, it's. It's incredible. You know, it teaches me so much, and I'm just so grateful that I have a platform that's growing because of people, real people's stories, you know, like, we don't have enough of that. I always say it's like, yeah, there's, like, documentaries, there's this and there's that. But it's like, the more time that goes on in the world around us, the more scripted and fake things get. It's like, you don't even really get the real story out. Like, I used to love watching things like that. Now I'm like. I watch it and I'm like, I feel like I don't even really know more about this story or anything.

[Laura]

Right.

[Devorah Vora]

So that's why I always tell people. I'm like, whatever you feel called to share. Like, obviously people have kind of this one chunk of their life maybe that they're like, okay, this is a story I want to share. But I always tell people. I'm like, it's like a book, you know, if you got the book and you just read the. The middle of it, what's the point? You know, it's like, you want to hear someone's Background what kind of led up to this, and then the aftermath, that's so full circle, you know, you get to see, you know, the. Some of the lowest parts of people's lives and then some of the highest parts, you know, and it's so incredible. And for me, it. I'm able. That's why I like to go into a blindly, because I'm like an audience member. I get to hear it, I get to ask. And then, you know, it's. It just allows me to be so open and judgment free and everyone. I wish the world was more like that because everyone is on their own path. Like, what is judging you or anybody.

[Laura]

Gonna do for me?

[Devorah Vora]

It's not gonna change my life. You know what I mean? So I just don't understand why people are like that. And, you know, my goal is just to make people feel like they can use their voice and people can just listen and either learn or relate, and it's as simple as that. Like, it doesn't have to be anything else, you know, and it just. I think it's very. It's very simple. It's very raw, it's very open. And I just want it to grow for you guys, because I'm like. I'm like. I wish I like a lot of my episodes, you know, I'm like. I wish they'd get more views. Like, I want everybody to, like, hear and see these stories because there's so. There's, like, thousands of people that can relate to each one. But I want all those thousands of people that I can relate to to get out to them, because it's like, sometimes that makes the biggest difference, right? You know, like, just to not feel alone. And I feel like, of course you can go to therapy, and that's great, but there's nothing like, somebody that just gets it because they went through it too. It's like a different little community there. And I feel like it doesn't even have to be, you know, two people talking, but it's just like, oh, I can hear it, and I can support this person and. And be like, wow, I get how she feels, or he feels, and. And vice versa. And I think that's the beauty in it. And, yeah, it will reach many people. I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much for coming out here and wanting to share your story. It means so much to me.

[Laura]

Thank you for having me.

[Devorah Vora]

Of course. Was there anything else you wanted to include? You think you got it all?

[Laura]

I think I got it all.

[Devorah Vora]

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[Laura]

Sight snoozing.

[Devorah Vora]

Miss one deduction, lose thousands.

[Laura]

Not amusing.

[Devorah Vora]

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[Laura]

Don't worry, tax filers.

[Devorah Vora]

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