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- [00:01]
Narrator/Advertiser
This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast Smart move Being financially savvy Smart move Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Finally, in your wellness era then you know Gut health is gut wealth. And with 20 years of science behind it, Activia can help keep those good gut vibes going. Deliciously smooth and creamy Activia probiotic yogurts and dailies have billions of live and.
- [00:45]
Interviewer
Active probiotics and help support gut health while you go about your day. Your gut is where it all begins. So start with Activia.
- [00:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
Enjoying Activia twice a day for two.
- [00:54]
Interviewer
Weeks as part of a balanced diet.
- [00:56]
Narrator/Advertiser
And healthy lifestyle can help reduce the.
- [00:57]
Shani (Interviewee)
Frequency of minor digestive discomfort. Hi, my name is Stardi and basically a little bit of my story I'm going to share is basically related to family abuse, other types of abuse I guess as well. Just like basically my journey from when I was a child to where I am now. I guess that makes sense. Okay, so I grew UP in Victoria, B.C. and my, I would say my childhood I thought was really good. Growing up, like I thought my home life was really good. I thought, to be honest, I thought I had it better than other kids because, you know, I never did chores. I never had to like, yeah, I never had to do chores. I never like had a bedtime. Like I always felt like, wow, like, you know, this is amazing. My parents always like material wise, they always gave me what I wanted and other kids were even jealous of me. So I thought, oh, I have it really well. But I didn't realize that all of this later on was actually like not a good thing because it was actually like a manipulation tactic and it was for me to become dependent on them. So it was in a way so I would never have my own independence. And also another thing that I want to mention about my childhood is that so I grew up in a biracial home. So my dad is Vietnamese and my mom is Canadian. And and that's also like, I'm going to explain more about that later. Why that's like a huge why that was like a huge thing. But yeah, so yeah, I grew up in a biracial home and you know, yes, my childhood like I thought was pretty Good, you know, because I never had to do chores, had a bedtime, nothing. But you know, there was a lot of things that other kids could do that I wasn't allowed to do. Like, Like a lot of my friends like, could go into sports. They did like Girl Guides, that sort of thing. And I always wanted to do things and my mom wouldn't let me. She wouldn't let me do anything I wanted. She would never let me do Girl Guides or sports, that sort of thing. And actually like, it was the point where like, other kids were like, my parents don't want me hanging out with you because like, they think that your mom's weird for not letting you do anything. Like they just don't think it's normal. So they don't want me like hanging around with someone like that.
- [03:11]
Interviewer
Would your mom give you a reason as to why she didn't want you to do it?
- [03:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah, she gave me different reasons. Like, oh, cuz like you were sick as a kid and like, if you were to do sports, like it could like, I don't know, like something like, because I had meningitis as a child. So like apparently like she said that like, if a ball hit me in the head from doing sports and it could like be like really dangerous for me or something like that. But like, I really don't know. I don't think that's true.
- [03:39]
Interviewer
And then. Were you an only child?
- [03:41]
Shani (Interviewee)
Well, so I have a brother technically, but he died before I was born. But he was like, for my mom, like the previous person she was with before my dad. So yeah, I didn't really grow up with. So it was just me and my parents really. And the odd thing too is that I had my room, my mom has her room, my dad has his own room. My parents, I never saw my parents in love. I never saw my parents in a relationship growing up. I never saw my parents saying I love you to each other or to me. They never told me and they never told each other. They never kissed. I never saw my parents. Like, my mom was basically just with my dad to. For his money. My mom just used my dad for money. So not the best example that I had from my parents growing up. I mean, especially from my mom. But yeah, other than that though, like, my childhood was like, I thought it was pretty okay because, you know, I could still go to school and she'd still let me have play dates, but like, she never let me go into other people's houses. It was more like, oh, they can come to our house type of Thing. But the one thing that was weird is that she would never let me play with my friends alone. She would always have to be there. And as a kid, I guess that's okay. Cause when you're a child, it's like, yeah, you kinda need adult supervision, right? So up until a certain age it's kinda fine. But you know, there is a stage where I'm like turning 10 years old, 11 years old, and my friends are starting to babysit, they're starting to stay home alone. And my mom's still not letting me go out to the park by myself. Like, she'll literally stay there with me and my friends. And that's why she didn't want me really going to plays at friends houses. Cause she was worried that their parents would let us go to the park alone and do things alone without adult supervision. That's why she wanted to prefer to be at our house. And like, she wouldn't even let me play with the neighborhood kids either. Like, my mom was like, no, unless I can be there. And even some kids, she just didn't want me playing with them in the neighborhood just because she thought that they were like, they were playing alone too much, like without their parents supervision that she thought it'd be like a bad influence on me or something. So I remember like, there was these girls and I remember like, I didn't really know them much, but I know they were my neighbors and they were really sweet. Like these girls would come up to my house like very often, like at least once a week probably. And they're like, oh my gosh. They'd ask my mom, can we play with your daughter? And my mom would be like, she always make up a new excuse. She'd be like, no, we're going to a movie night, or no, like whatever other excuse she'd come up with. And I'd even be there and be like, it's not true. My mom was like, no, I just don't want you hanging out with those girls because they go out too much with their parents. But you know, still throughout my childhood, I still felt like, okay, like I was pretty normal. But at that point, yeah, I started realizing like, okay, like people are like now, like babysitting or doing things alone. I'm still kind of getting babysat, but I guess I didn't really think too much of it until I started going to middle school. And then when I was in middle school, my mom was still very restrictive with me. And like, at this point, like, kids were having even more freedom and, and I'm still, like, sheltered. Like, I still can't. Like, I couldn't even walk home from school, you know, like. Or things like that. I couldn't even walk in my own front yard without my mom being there. Like, I wasn't allowed to do anything outside the house without my mom being there, and I wasn't allowed ever to be home alone. And this progressed, like, until I was like. So when I was in high school, and I remember. So when I was in grade 10, like, my school counselor knew what was going on because I. I didn't really want to tell people that was going on because when I felt for the longest time, I never wanted to talk about it because I felt very embarrassed because I was like, you know, why. Why am I. Why can't I do things other people can do? You know? And. And my mom, well, one of the reasons she said later on was because she said I had special needs, which was not actually true. And, I mean, there's nothing wrong with having, like, be neurodivergent, but, like, I just wasn't. So it's just like, there was. It wasn't very. Like. It just didn't make sense that she would say that. Like, yeah, I have OCD and I have complex ptsd, but those are more like mental illnesses, and I've been diagnosed with those, like, later on into adulthood. Not, like, when I was a child. Right. But what she was saying was, like, I had, like, some severe special needs or, like, that's why I needed to be, like, taken care of 24 7, which was, like, just not the case.
- [07:48]
Interviewer
Yeah. And how was when it was you guys, like, let's say on a weekend or after school or something? How was the home dynamic with you, your mom and your dad? Like, would you guys do things together? Was she. No. So you were able to, like, be in your room and kind of do your own thing, but, like, still kind.
- [08:05]
Shani (Interviewee)
Of limited on what that was Pretty much, yeah. Like, well, my dad, I never really had a relationship, sadly, because my mom never wanted me to have a relationship with him because she kind of wanted me always for herself. Like, she kind of had this selfish things. So, like. Yeah, so I should have said this before, but when I was a child, I wasn't really allowed to have a relationship with my dad because my mom. This is really messed up, but she always wanted me to think that my dad was a pedophile. So she literally would tell me, your dad's a pedophile. Like, so I wouldn't. So I would almost be Afraid of him. She wanted me to be afraid of my dad in my own home. But yet she still wanted to be with him because she still wants the money from him because she doesn't work. So she just uses my dad.
- [08:40]
Interviewer
What age did she start telling you this?
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Shani (Interviewee)
When I was a child, so.
- [08:44]
Interviewer
And she basically, I'm assuming, told you what that meant at that age, so that you.
- [08:48]
Shani (Interviewee)
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it was. It was a lot. Because the last memory of really me, like, you know, hanging out with my dad alone, without supervision of my mom was when I was, I believe I was like around, like 4 or 5 years old. I was really young. And he was gonna take me to the video store, when video stores were still a thing. And we were gonna go to the video store together. And I remember when we went, my mom was really mad. She didn't want me to go. And she said to my dad, like, if you take her there, she was gonna lose it. And she lost it. She called the cops. And when I was at the video store, my dad, like, the cops called the video store. And it was a whole thing. And then that was kind of the end. My dad, I guess, never. He got scared of it too. Cause he never wanted that to happen again. And my mom was like, almost saying, like, he had, like, kidnapped me and took me there, you know, when we literally live in the same home. And then after that, me and my dad never had a relationship. And also another thing too, that when I was a baby, when I was a baby, like at three months old, my mom had technically separated from my dad for two years. And so at three months, she took me to Quebec where my grandparents live. And she had basically promised my dad for that he would get a job there if we moved there with her because, I don't know, they separated. But then she wanted him to move there with her. She said, oh, my cousin will give you a job. But the thing about Quebec is that it's only French speaking. Like, it's mainly French speaking unless you're in Montreal. And my dad speaks no French. So it was really obvious that he wouldn't get a job. Like, he wouldn't succeed because he doesn't speak any French. And obviously he actually did try because he really wanted to actually be with me so much. My dad actually went to get back and he tried and he didn't get anything. And obviously no income was coming in because my mom doesn't want to work. So my dad had to go to Ontario and stay with my aunt. And later on, what I found out from what my aunt had told me is that all the money that he was making there, he was sending it all to me, actually. And he would make trips from Ontario to Quebec on weekends just to come visit me because my mom would never go there and let me see him. And then after that, I guess two years later, she decided, well, she wanted to go back to Victoria. So she basically forced my dad to buy a house there. She said, if you don't buy a house there, then you'll never see your daughter again. Because my mom had full custody of me when they were separated for two years, because. Which is what I found out later on from my aunt, my dad's sister, that my mom was able to take full custody of me because my mom had sent my dad the court papers in French for the court hearing. My dad doesn't speak French. Like, he doesn't understand French. So he didn't even know what was going on. He didn't know the court date. So when mom went to court, she told the judge, well, look, he's not here. So they gave her full custody. And that's why later on, she was able to threaten my dad and say, well, hey, if you don't buy a house in Victoria, you don't move there, then you're never gonna see your daughter ever again. And so my dad didn't end up buying that house. But, you know, it's so sad because after that incident at the movie, like, at the video store, we never had a relationship ever again. Yeah. So that was. That was basically the end of my relationship with my dad. And, like, after that, the only interactions we'd have, even though we live in the same house, would just be like, small talk, like, hi, how are you? Maybe, like, twice. Once every two weeks. Not more than that.
- [12:13]
Interviewer
So your mom just kind of liked to control and supervise and be around. But when it came to doing, like, activities with you, was there anything of anything like that happening or. Not really. Like, there was. There wasn't really a bond.
- [12:25]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, she would. But it wasn't like, yes, she. When I was a child, she would go out with me and do certain things. But, like, I don't know. She wasn't. It was very controlling. I just felt. It was. It was just. I always felt controlled. Like, it wasn't enjoyable. Like, it wasn't like, I'm having fun with my mom. It's like I just always felt like kind of like a puppet, you know what I mean? Like, under. Under her strings. I mean, I would Say maybe the relationship was a little bit better when I was a child with my mom than when I was a teenager. But like, it was, you know, I was definitely always frustrated a little bit because I. Because like, I wasn't allowed to do what other kids were allowed to do. So I always had kind of that resentment and didn't understand why my mom keeps saying I have special needs when like, I fully understand what's going on. Like, I don't, I don't know. It was just so odd for me especially because, like, there's no proof of this, right? She was just saying this. And so anyways, when I was in high school, in my grade 10 year, I confided in a school counselor for the first time at like 16 years old about what was going on at home because I just never felt, yeah, I was really embarrassed about telling people before about like my home life, but my situation. Cause I was like, man, like, people envy me because they know I don't have like a bedtime. They know that, like, I don't do chores. Like, I don't, like, I get everything I want, like material wise, right? So I'm like mad if people really knew what I was going through. And to be honest, I was like, I don't know why they're jealous of me because I was like, if anything, I should want their life because, like, I don't want all these things. I don't. Like, I would rather just have a normal life. I'd rather do chores and be able to go with my friends to the mall by myself and have a normal life, right? But that's not what I get to have. And so I remember, like, yeah, one day, I don't remember why I told my school counselor, but I remember I just told her. And I feel like the system really failed me. Like, I feel like the school really like failed me because my school counselor, like, she, she kind of knew what was going on. After I told her, she picked up what was going on. She said, yeah, it kind of sounds like you're serving a life sentence for like a crime you never committed. But she never told anyone. She never thought of calling social services. She never thought of. She never told anyone. So she knew I was like, basically like imprisoned by my mom, but decided just, just to keep it to herself. And at first I really, actually really liked this counselor. And I thought that she was really there for me and I really loved her. But then I realized, no, this is wrong. Like, if a kid is coming up to you and saying this stuff, you should do something about it. Right. Cause all the stuff that I went through afterwards could have been prevented had she actually stepped in and done something. Yeah.
- [15:08]
Interviewer
And you felt safe enough to tell her?
- [15:10]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. And then she literally told me, oh, it sounds like you're serving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit. So it's like thanks for the help. Yeah. So then after that, yeah, I never really talked about it again because like I said, I was still very embarrassed and I was holding it in. And so then I go into grade 11. Now at this point I'm like 17 years old and I'm still getting babysat by my mom. Like I'm still not allowed to go out in my own front yard by myself. I'm still not allowed to stay home alone because I supposedly have special needs. So I can't be anywhere by myself. And I remember. So this was I think the very pivotal point where I really realized that like something was just not right. Like so I met this German international student at school and her and I became really good friends. Like we hit it off right away and I was like dang, like I really like her and you know, I was like, I don't know why this girl would like want to be friends with me because like I mean, you know. Well, I mean cuz a lot of other kids kind of knew that my mom was like a helicopter parent because they caught on what she was doing. You know, they could see that my mom was always there. Like she was always at school. Like you know, like I mean she like if I had extracurriculars after school, like she would stay in the parking lot until like they ended some of the like leadership or cheerleading and that would end at like 8:30 and she'd be in the parking lot till 8:30. Like she would come after, right after lunchtime and would stay from like maybe like one till 8:30pm and actually I didn't know this until later on until the school told me about it. But yeah, but like kids kind of, I guess kids already knew that was happening. I just hadn't noticed. So they knew my mom was a helicopter parent. And so people didn't want to hang around me because you know, people bullied me for it too. They're like oh, this girl helicopter parent, you know. So it was really hard for me to make friends actually. And I got bullied a lot. But this girl, you know, she's new, she's from Germany. So I guess like she doesn't really know me. She doesn't really know Anyone. So I was like, oh, this is cool. I have a fresh new opportunity to, you know, actually maybe I thought crazy enough I could have a real friendship, you know, And I really like this girl. So I didn't want to do anything and let her down. And she told me, well, okay, let's go to the mall on Saturday at 1pm So I was supposed to go to the mall on a Saturday with her at 1pm and this is like, you know, broad daylight, it's afternoon. And I knew my mom would say no if I asked her. But, like, I already told my friend yes because I didn't want to say no to her. So I asked my mom, I said, well, can I go to the mall with my friend 1pm on Saturday? And she said, well, if I can't go, then no, obviously not. And I'm like, no, but please, like, just let me. It's just the afternoon. Like, I'll literally, like, it's at 1pm Like, I'll literally be home. Like, we go for like two hours and I'll be home right after. You know, it's not that long and you can drop me off and pick me up or whatever, right? And she was like, no, if I can't be there, then you can't go. Because whenever I would go with my friends in middle school to the mall, she would like, go with us, like, every single store and would follow us aisle to aisle. Like, and if she didn't see me in an aisle, she would start screaming my name and freak out. So, like, yeah, so. And that's why also, I lost a lot of friends because people are like, dude, I'm actually scared of your mom. Like, people are scared of my mom. And kids. Parents were also scared. I'm like, not scared, I guess my mom. But they were more like, we don't want you hanging out with that girl. Because, like, her mom's kind of, you know, there's something not right with her. Right? And obviously I didn't want that girl to go through that. Cause I'm like, like, she's coming from Germany, you know, I don't want to, like, scare her off. Like, I don't want. And honestly, I just don't want to lose that friendship. I don't want to look weird. So after my mom said no, then I was like, okay, I guess I'm gonna have to. Like, I didn't really know what to do. So I kind of stood her up. Like, at that point. Like, I mean, I should have said something. I just didn't Know what to say? Like, I felt so embarrassed.
- [18:40]
Interviewer
Yeah. And it's uncomfortable because it's like, what do you say? How do you explain that when you don't even understand what's going on?
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Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. Like, I don't want to tell her. Oh, hey, my mom's actually, like, kind of crazy and won't let me, like, go by myself to the mall at 1pm like, you know, And, I mean, yeah, I was like, I should have told her. I should have said something to her. Like, I couldn't, but I didn't. So obviously. I mean, later on, she really resented me for that and didn't really talk to me after. And it's kind of mad because. Because she thought that I was like. You know, like, I personally, like, intentionally stood her up, which was not never my intention. It was really not. Like, literally the day off, I was begging my mom. Like, I was begging my mom and actually my mom. So on the Saturday, the day I was supposed to go out with her, my mom actually thought that I was gonna run out of the house and go anyways, so she actually cornered me in a room for two hours or more. I don't remember. She literally had me in a corner and would stare at me in that corner the whole time to make sure that I wasn't leaving the house. And so I was, like, bawling my eyes out, freaking out, like, panicking. I'm like, I don't even know what's going on. So I call one of my friends, one of my other friends. I don't know. I guess I don't know why I decided to tell her, but I told her. I was like, hey, this is kind of what's going. While my mom is in front of me, by the way. And my friend's like, I'm kind of texting her about it, and. And she's, like, hearing me crying. She's like, dude, she's like, I need to tell someone about this. And she's like, I need to call social services. And I was like, no. Like, please don't call social service. Like, I really don't want you to do that. And she's like, no, dude. Like, I don't care if you say no. Like, I actually have to, because, like, this is actually, like, not okay. Like, I really need to tell someone about this. Yeah. And, like, I guess part of me. Like, I guess part of me did want help, but at the same time, another part of me was scared about, like, social workers getting involved, which also why I wanted to hide it for so long. Because even though I knew it was the right thing, I was scared that, like, what if it's worse, right? What if I get put into a foster home? Because I've heard, like, foster home horror stories, right? And I'm like, what if I get put in a worse situation? And that's kind of what I was scared of, you know, I wasn't, like, ready. I was like. And plus, I had no life skills. I was really sheltered all my life. So I'm like, what am I gonna do? Like, in foster care? Like, I was scared. So I said, no, please don't call a social worker. But she was like, no, I have to. So, yeah. So she ended up phoning social services. And basically what happened was the social worker actually never got in contact with me. The social worker contacted my mom directly instead of contacting me. And my mom is very good at manipulating people and is very good at lying. So she just said, oh, well, you know, my daughter has special needs. Blah, blah. This is why I don't let her. And so eventually, she just said all this stuff that made her look so good that the social worker never even thought that she needed to contact me because she's like, oh, my mom's got this, so whatever, you know? And I think the reason, too, which is really unfortunate, is because a lot of people think that parents have their child's best interests at heart, right? Because most parents do, but not every parent does. And that's what. It's beautiful to understand, that it's situational. It's not for every situation. In my situation, that was not the case, right? And so that was really big lack on the social worker's part to say, like. And actually, it's really crazy, but the social worker had written a report that she had spoken to me and wrote a bunch of things that apparently I had said, which I never said, so I don't even know where she got that from. But she made up a whole report where she said that my mom was letting me stay out. Later, I was able to go to parties. And I was like, I've never been to a party. Like, I don't even know where this is coming from. But I found out this file because I don't remember how, but. Oh. Because the social worker had later on, had told me. So anyway, so later on. So I hadn't heard from that social worker at all. And then, you know, a couple months go by, and I'm still living in the same hell at home, you know, wondering if my life will ever get Better. And yeah. And so towards the end of the year now, so like in June, very last day of school, there was a party that was happening, like a really big party that was gonna happen in town. And it's basically like. So they used to host these parties that were like in venues that were like clubs, but it was like, basically you don't drink. But it was like for like teenagers and stuff. It's kind of cool. And always wanted to go to one of them because you know, like everyone in the city was going to them and it was like, yeah, last day of school party, I was like, I really want to go. And so like, I mean, I knew obviously my mom would say no, but I was like still gonna ask my mom anyways. I'm 17, right? At this point, I'm 17 years old and I'm like, well, I'm literally going to grade 12 the next year. Like I'm literally gonna graduate high school the year after. So my mom said, hey, can I go to this party? Like blah, blah. And surprisingly, I don't even know why. But my mom agreed. She said, actually said yes. But she said, I'm gonna stay in the parking lot the entire time, so you can go. But for me, I was like, you know what? This is amazing. I'll take it because this is the.
- [23:34]
Narrator/Advertiser
More.
- [23:34]
Shani (Interviewee)
This is the most freedom I've ever had in my life. Like I was allowed to go in my front yard by myself. Not even allowed alone. But now I'm allowed to go to a party and my mom be in the parking lot. Okay, it's cool. As long as people don't know it's my mom in the parking lot, like in her car, then I'll be fine, right? So I went to this party and I met this girl there at the party. And this girl, like, she really liked me. I don't know why, but like we really hit it off. Like she just thought I was the coolest person she ever met. And I was like, oh my gosh, like if only she knew my life. Cuz like she went to a different school. So I'm like, but if only she knew like what my life was actually like, she would know I'm not the coolest person. And she was actually quite popular. Like she was one of those really popular girls that like, actually not only people in her school knew her, but like people in the city knew of her, you know, so I'm like, wow, this really popular girl wants to be my friend? I was like, okay. I was like, it's kind of cool, but like, I don't know what to do. So I definitely don't want to let this girl down, you know. And 17 year old me, I'm like, this is like really important to me, you know? And so anyways, her birthday was gonna happen in two weeks, and she said, I want you to come to my birthday party. It's in two weeks. And like, if. And she literally said to me, if you don't come to my birthday party, then I'm not gonna have one. Like, I'm just gonna cancel everything. Which is crazy because I'm like, you just met me. Like, I don't know why you want me there so bad. Like, it's like you barely know me, you know? But so anyways, I was like, well, I. I knew my mom would say no, but asked my mom and obviously she said no. She said, well, if I can't be there, then you can't go, right? And so she was gonna have her birthday at the lake, and my mom said, well, she said, the only condition that I'll let you go to her birthday is if I can go as well at the lake. But like, not in the parking lot, like literally with us in the party at the lake. And mind you, this girl was younger than me. She was like two years younger than me. And so it's like. And she was going to lake by herself with all her friends, right? And she had about, like, probably 20 friends at her birthday. Like, she had a lot of friends. And I didn't know any of them because they were all from, like, different schools. And I remember, like, I really, like, I don't know, I. I really didn't want to go to her birthday when my mom was like, oh, I'll go. Because I didn't want my mom to go. You know what I mean? Because I didn't want it to be awkward. So I. When my mom said no, I was like, trying to find every excuse I could because I was like, okay, I don't want to stand this girl up, because I know that's not right because I'm not gonna stand her up. But I'm gonna make up an excuse. I remember, I don't remember what excuse I said, but I made up an excuse the first time and she wasn't happy with it. She's like, no, you have to come, because otherwise I'm not having my birthday if you don't come. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, so I was like, later. I was like, okay, well, I'm sick. I don't feel good, like I really can't come. And she's like, no, well then I'm just gonna cancel it. And I'm like dude, no. Like it's your birthday, like I don't want you to cancel your birthday just because I can't come. Like you have so many other friends that are gonna go, you don't need me. And she's like nope. And I tried so many times to tell her no and no and no and she just wouldn't take it. And I felt really bad cause I'm like, you know, I don't want this girl to not have a birthday because of me. Feel really bad if she didn't have a birthday party because of me. So I was like. So I said fine. And then she was really happy. I remember I bought her a gift and I got her a McDonald's gift card. And I remember when I got to the parking lot and I'm, you know, and I walk out of the car and my mom's also walking out of the car with me. I'm actually told me beforehand that day she said, before we go to lake, we're gonna stop by the dollar store, cuz I'm gonna buy a beach mat. So then I can like sit there while you guys are there, you know, like so crazy. And so, yeah. And so like when I get the parking lot, my friend like runs up to me and she gives me big hug and she's like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy you're here. And then I gave her a gift and it really meant a lot to her because apparently even though she was really popular and she had a lot of friends, out of all her friends, I was the only one who gave her a gift. So she said, wow, you're the only person that actually gave me a gift. So she was like, so she was really happy to. Meant a lot to her that I was there. But I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna tell this girl that, like my mom's not gonna leave, you know, and this is gonna be really awkward. So anyways, you know, we're in the parking lot and I say hi to all her friends and I meet all them and then you know, we start walking up the hill and my mom's obviously walking next to us and they're like, oh. They're like, why is your mom like here? You know, some of their friends like kinda confused. I'm like, oh. I'm like, don't worry guys, she's just gonna like, she just, like, wanted to see, like, once I'm up, and then once I'm up, she's gonna leave.
- [27:50]
Interviewer
Did you keep a distance at all?
- [27:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
No.
- [27:55]
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- [28:23]
Shani (Interviewee)
Your teen adjective used to.
- [28:26]
Interviewer
Describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained. One who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly. They do not always show up on.
- [28:35]
Shani (Interviewee)
Time, but when they arrive, you notice.
- [28:38]
Interviewer
An individual confident in their contradictions.
- [28:43]
Shani (Interviewee)
They know the rules, but behave as.
- [28:44]
Interviewer
If they do not exist. New teen. The new fragrance by Miu Miu.
- [28:50]
Shani (Interviewee)
Defined by you, like, at all. So she was like, like, literally walking. She's like, right next to us.
- [28:57]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [28:58]
Shani (Interviewee)
And so they're like, they kind of uncomfortable, you know, because they were younger than me. They were like 14 year old girls. Like 14, 15 year old, you know, so they're like, this is. This is uncomfortable. Obviously, if I was their age, I'd be uncomfortable too. Yeah. They're like, oh, well, she's leaving, right? And I said, no, no. Yeah. Like, she just wants to make sure that we're up, and then once we get there, she wants to make sure I'm safe basically getting up there. And once we're there, she's gonna leave. Like, I knew I was. I knew what I was saying wasn't true, but I just didn't know how to break it to, like, 20 random strangers that I've just met that I don't know that, hey, my mom's a psycho and she's not gonna leave. And so basically, as we get up to the cliff, they're like, okay, well, we're here now. And I'm like, yep. Like, well, is your mom gonna go? And I'm like. And then I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, I'm gonna have to tell these people. Like, and this is. Sucks. Like, I don't know any of them. I don't. I'm just gonna have to, like, now publicly say this. So, you know, I kind of move them a little bit to the side for my mom. And I said, hey, can I talk to all you guys? So, like, have them in a circle and I tell Them. So, like, my mom's not leaving. Actually. My mom's kind of crazy. And. And then. And my mom was, like, actually behind a tree the whole time, like, standing up. She didn't even sit on the beach mat. She stood behind a tree. And her birthday was, like, for, like, hours. It was, like, maybe like, five or six hours at the lake. It was, like, a whole day thing, and my mom just stood behind the tree. It was, like, swatching. Yeah. So it's like Slenderman. Like, literally just right behind a tree watching. And, you know, these kids were so scared. Like, I'm not even. I'm not even. Yeah. Like, that was a thing back then. Like. Yeah. So it's, like, literally like that. Like, right behind the tree. And they're so scared.
- [30:25]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [30:26]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, they're scared of their mind that literally, they. All of them jumped off the cliff. They're like, we'd rather jump on. So they all jumped off the cliff because they had. They brought, like, the, like, inflatable boats. So they all jumped off the cliff and literally went to, like, there was, like, a mini island at the lake that was, like, for. And they all went to the island.
- [30:41]
Interviewer
Did you go?
- [30:42]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, because I couldn't. Like, my mom was there, like, so. So you just stayed with. They just. They just jumped off because they were too scared of my mom.
- [30:48]
Interviewer
Right.
- [30:48]
Shani (Interviewee)
Okay. Except for one girl. One girl's really sweet, and she said, oh, you know what? I'm gonna stay with you. I feel kind of bad, and I'm actually not scared of your mom. She's like, it's okay. I feel bad for you now. I want to be here with you because I don't want you to be alone.
- [30:58]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [30:59]
Shani (Interviewee)
Up on that cliff. And then I remember there was one girl. She didn't jump off the cliff. She actually was bawling her eyes out with her boyfriend. She's like, I'm going home. Like, I'm taking a bus. I'm going home. I can't take this. I'm. I'm really scared right now. And so she was so traumatized that she actually just, like, left the birthday. Like, fully left. Yeah. Yeah. So that was a mess. And I was 17 years old at this point. Like, I'm literally like, this is summer before I graduate high school. And at that point, I'm like, hey. Like, I can't live like this anymore, you know? Like, I really cannot live like this. Like, if this is. Like, I was never, like, a suicidal person, but, like, I knew I didn't want to live that Particular life because I'm like, will I ever be free? Will I ever be able to get out of this? You know? Like, I was literally, like, I was literally, like, really living a life sentence for a crime I never committed. Like, I was literally stuck in my home. Like, I was in imprisoned, like, you know, by my mom. It's like, even though I go outside and I do things, like, my mom is just always there. And so that night, like, I just lost it. I freaked out. When I got home, I started crying and I started calling help lines. I started calling help lines. Like, I was calling. Like, I was calling suicide hotlines. I was calling every single hotline I could because I just wanted someone to hear me and someone to, like, help me out of this. Like, so I was just calling everyone I could. So I was calling all these 1, 800 numbers.
- [32:23]
Interviewer
Is she aware that you were making these calls or.
- [32:24]
Narrator/Advertiser
No?
- [32:25]
Shani (Interviewee)
So later on she was.
- [32:26]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [32:27]
Shani (Interviewee)
So I repeatedly did this. I was like, I'm gonna do this until someone listens to me. So I literally, that whole summer, I dedicated doing that. So I would get on the phone, like, oh, my gosh. I would get on the phone, like, so early in the morning, like, I don't even remember what time It'd be, like 8am, 9am, I don't know. And I would go to bed at, like, 2, 3am and I would do this, like, for the whole time. Like, all day. Like, I would just stay in my room and I would just call helplines. And also because, like, at one point, too, later on, my mom had actually, like, fully held me hostage in my room. Like, she was. She did not let me out of my room. So that was actually a mess.
- [33:04]
Interviewer
How long did she do that for?
- [33:06]
Shani (Interviewee)
Almost that whole summer after that birthday. Yeah.
- [33:10]
Interviewer
So she barely let you out of your room even in the house?
- [33:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, she. At that point, she locked me in my room. Like, I was not allowed out of my room.
- [33:18]
Interviewer
Like, so she was, what, bringing you food, water, everything.
- [33:21]
Shani (Interviewee)
If I wanted to go to the bathroom, I'd have to knock on the door. And then I would have her or my aunt who was staying with us at the time for the summer, and they would follow me in the bathroom and they would watch me even as I showered, as I peed, like, everything to make sure that I wasn't running away or calling help lines for help.
- [33:36]
Interviewer
Was your aunt the same way as your mom?
- [33:39]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, but she really, like, for some reason just followed along with it. Yeah. So she was, like, an accomplice. Really not helpful because, you know, when I was calling these helplines, my mom kind of caught on that I was doing this. And that's why she kind of got mad. Because, you know, one day she's. Because she. I didn't know, but she was like looking at my phone log on, like our, like my cell phone service provider, and she's seeing all these 1, 800 numbers and she's like, why the heck are you calling all these 1, 800 numbers? Like, what's going on? She starts looking them up and seeing their suicide hotlines and all these other abuse lines. And she's like, why are you, like, why are you calling these lines? And so that's kind of why, like, she wanted to lock me in my room because she's like, you know, she was. And then at that point she took away my phone. Right. And she actually eventually disconnected all the home phones out of the house, which was eventually a problem for her because it's like, if there's an emergency, then I can't even call 911 if there's a fire. So actually that was not good for her for doing that. But she ended up doing that because she didn't want me calling all these lines. But I remember. So at first she took away my phone and then I kind of had to learn how to be very manipulative to kind of get the privilege back of getting my phone. So you know that show you on Netflix? So. So you know how like in the first season, like, he like the guy, like puts the girl back into this thing. Right. She kind of has to learn to manipulate him to like let her out.
- [35:04]
Interviewer
Right.
- [35:05]
Shani (Interviewee)
So that's kind of what I was doing to my mom, you know, so.
- [35:06]
Interviewer
And your dad was just doing his own thing at the house?
- [35:09]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah, well, he was almost never home. He worked two jobs because my mom doesn't want to work a single job because she's just lazy. And she said that her full time job was taking care of me even though, like, I was basically almost an adult at this point. But she said that was her full time job sitting here at me. So that was her reason why she couldn't work because she has a special needs daughter that she has to take care of. Yeah. So quite insane. But anyway, so, yeah, so when I was like locked in my room, eventually I got my phone taken away and disconnected all the home phones because she didn't want me calling all these help lines. Obviously she was mad about it. And so I had to learn to be very manipulative and like, kind of like, tell her what she wanted to hear. So I was like, oh, yeah, you know what? I understand now why you're doing this to me. It's because you love me. Like, I literally told her that even though I knew this all bs, I'm like, it's because you love me. You're taking this away from me because you love me. This is the reason why you don't let me out alone because you don't want me to get hurt. You don't want me to, like, you don't want something bad to happen to me. She's like, oh my gosh, you're finally understanding it. That's exactly it. That's exactly what it was this whole time. It's because I love you. She's like, I might not tell you, but that's why I do these things. I was like. And I'm just sitting there like, oh my gosh. Like, you're actually insane. Like, I'm like, you're a psycho, but. Because you actually believe that. But. And so eventually, like, yeah, I got my phone back. And then as soon as I got my phone back, I started calling helplines all over again. But I had to be really sneaky about it, you know, because our house was kind of small. My mom's room wasn't next to mine, so I can't. I don't want her hearing right. So I would have to, like. So I would actually go in my closet to make these calls. And my closet wasn't a walk in closet. Like, it was just like a regular tiny little closet. So I had to like, crouch down in my clothes and like whisper in the phone. Like, that's how I would do it. And I would do this all day, every day. Like, like Sunday, Saturday to Sunday. Like just now. Were you.
- [36:56]
Interviewer
When you would call these hotlines, were they. Were you just telling them your story or were you asking for help?
- [37:01]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, I was kind of telling them what's going on and they just never really did anything.
- [37:05]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [37:05]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, I just don't really know why. Like, they're more there if, like, oh, like, well, are you. Do you want to commit suicide? And if I say no, then they say, oh, well, then there's nothing really they can do apparently, right?
- [37:16]
Interviewer
They're not just talking you down from.
- [37:18]
Shani (Interviewee)
Anything, which is really sad because it's like, no. Like, if a child is telling you they're going through something, so it's like a minor at the time. It's like, I'm literally a child. Like, you should be calling social Services.
- [37:27]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [37:27]
Shani (Interviewee)
I just don't understand why all these people are sitting there. And until, like, I say that I want to harm myself or somebody else, nobody can intervene. Like, nobody can do anything.
- [37:36]
Interviewer
Right.
- [37:36]
Shani (Interviewee)
Which is ridiculous. Like, they should. And I feel like they should have some sort of, like, protocol that, yes, if a kid is calling, especially they're calling every single day.
- [37:43]
Interviewer
Right? Yeah. It's a huge red flag.
- [37:46]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, you should be doing something about it. Right. Like, and sometimes, like, when I. When I would talk, like, in my room when I wasn't in my closet, I would, like, literally hide my phone under the pillow whenever my mom would come into my room. It's like, pretend I wasn't on the phone, you know, and they'd be like, hold on a sec. And they could, like, notice and. And nothing, you know? So eventually, I ended up calling social services myself because I'm like, I'm sick of these helplines. Like, they're not helping me at all. So I called social services on myself. I was really scared because, like I said, I was. I did not want to go in a foster home. I knew I didn't want what was going on for me at that moment, but I didn't want the foster home either.
- [38:18]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [38:19]
Shani (Interviewee)
Right. So, yeah. So I just. I called social services, and then I got a social worker, and that first social worker wasn't very great. He, like, I told him what was going on, and then he ended up insulting me and telling me that basically I was the bad kid. Because he said, oh, well, you just sound like an ungrateful child. Like, he's like, yeah, he literally said. Like you said. He said, like, you just sound like an ungrateful child. Like, your parents, like, I mean, they give you. Like, you have food, right? You. You live in a home. Like, you know, it's like.
- [38:50]
Interviewer
Like.
- [38:50]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like there's nothing wrong. Like, you know, your station, that these parents are allowed to parent their kids any way they want. Like, if they don't want you hanging out with certain kids, that's fine. They're allowed to say no. They're allowed to not let you do whatever you want. Like, right?
- [39:01]
Interviewer
Like, no. I'm being cornered and locked in my bedroom.
- [39:03]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. Yeah. And then he talked to my mom on the phone, and so that. So he wanted to talk to my mom. And so when he talked to my mom, my mom found out that I called social services. Now she's freaking out even more. So obviously, my phone privileges are gone again. So once again, I have to go through all the manipulation all over Again, about, like.
- [39:19]
Interviewer
And still 17.
- [39:21]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. This all in one summer. This is on the same summer, by the way. So at that point, like, yeah, I'm really locked in my room.
- [39:27]
Interviewer
It. Like, that's obviously when it was at its, like, peak. Like, the worst. Right?
- [39:31]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. After. After my mom found out, I called social services on her. Yeah. Yeah. But the social worker obviously sided with her and told her mom, like, oh, it's okay. Like, I get it. Like, you know, he's like teenagers. But it's like, no, it's not. Because he's like. Because he just thought my mom had my best interest at heart, you know? And he's like, she's. And he actually said, mom's being a good parent. He said, you should be more grateful to your parents and you should, like, be nicer to them and treat them better and actually cut them some slack. And I'm like, wow. Like, that's like, you're not in my situation. Like, how could you say that to me? You know? Like, I'm kind of being abused. Like, literally being abused. Like, what do you mean? And then. So I was locked in my room again. And, like, it's crazy. If I wanted to get food, Like, I'd have to knock on the door. I had no phone. Like, I don't even know if I was gonna get back my phone after that. Like, I'm like, I don't even have contact with the outside world. Like, I don't know if anyone even knows that I'm locked in my room. I don't even know if I'll ever get out. Like, will I even. Will she even let me go to school next year? I don't know. Cause, like, she fully locked me. Like, if I want to go to the bathroom, she would follow me in the bathroom. Right. Or have my aunt follow me. And they would watch me as I'm showering, whatever I'm doing, then bring me right back to my room if I wanted food. It was the same thing. Right. And so. So then I didn't really get my phone that easily again after that. So. But one day my mom went to do some errands, and I was alone with my aunt in the house. And now this is the thing. I was always really clever. Like, I was always a really clever kid. Like, because I knew how to manipulate. I knew how to get myself out of, like. Well, I guess, like, I was kind of good in these situations. So when I got the privilege to be on the computer. So my mom left, run errands, my aunt let Me use the computer. She'd still monitor me to make sure I'm not, like, you know, reaching out for help again on the computer. But what I did, so I would. I opened a page, and I had YouTube on one. On one screen, and then I opened another tab, but I would, like, go in and out of it, so I, like, minimize it in and out so that way they wouldn't know. And that was, like, a helpline, but they had, like, an online portal where you could, like, message them. So. So as I'm pretending to watch YouTube, I would message them. And my aunt wasn't, like, exactly right next to me. She was, like, in the living room, but she could still kind of see me. It was, like, at a distance, but she couldn't see me closely enough to know exactly what I'm doing on the computer. But whenever she would come next to me on the computer to see what I'm doing, I would just open up my YouTube again. And so she never caught me. Messaging helpline. So she's like. I was just like, you know what? I think Shani really is doing improvement. So she told my mom. She was like, I think she's really improving because, like, you know, she. She was on the computer, and she did so well. She just watched YouTube and didn't do anything. And. Yeah. And so then I got my phone again because I was doing better.
- [42:10]
Interviewer
Yeah. And what were these periods of time that you would have your phone taken and then she would give them back? Give it back. Would you say, like, what was that, like, time. Amount of time that you had, I guess, proof that you were doing better?
- [42:26]
Shani (Interviewee)
I don't remember if it was two or three times.
- [42:28]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [42:29]
Shani (Interviewee)
But it was, like, throughout that whole time when I was, like, in my room.
- [42:32]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [42:33]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, when I wasn't really allowed to.
- [42:34]
Interviewer
Like, so would you say it was, like, weeks at a time that she was doing this? Months.
- [42:38]
Shani (Interviewee)
Not months. It was just during the summer. So it was, like, during, like, the July, August period of the summer after my grade 11 year. Right before my grade 12 year.
- [42:48]
Interviewer
And when she felt like you were back on track, she'd give you. Yeah, okay.
- [42:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. So when she felt that I was like, you know. Oh. Like, actually understanding why she's doing what she's doing, and, you know, and I'm not trying to call any help lines because I'm obviously not in a dire situation, then I can have my phone back.
- [43:04]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [43:05]
Shani (Interviewee)
And as soon as I get my phone back, I'm still just calling people. Like, I'm just calling everyone. I can, right? Even though I knew the helplines weren't real helpful, I was still calling them because I was like, well, now social services helping me because they clearly don't believe me at all. Like, you know, they're. They're actually, like, being degraded towards me. Like, the way they're talking to me is actually like, I just can't believe.
- [43:23]
Interviewer
Nobody came to check out the situation.
- [43:26]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah, it took them a really long time. Yeah, it took them a really long time. So, like. Yeah, actually I only had a social worker actually check it out. Like, I think two weeks before summer ended. Yeah. So crazy. And then I was like, living like this for like, weeks, right? And no one. Yeah. So eventually I was like, you know what? I'm so sick of this. There's one night I was like, I'm gonna call social services again. But I'm like, I want to speak to, like, one of the people in management. Like, I want to speak to, like, a management position because I was like, I. I need to, like, let someone, like, who's like an upper, like, know what's, like, what's going on. Cause, like, also, like, I need to let them know that how the social work social worker talked to me because, like, it's not appropriate. Like, that's not right. If there's a kid going through something like that and then I'm being blamed for it. Like, I was like, no. So I remember I asked, I said, hey, can I speak to, like. Because I just, I don't want to, like, you know, be assigned to other social worker and then be told this again, because I was also scared of that, you know. And so eventually they said yes, they transferred me over and I talked to one of the operators and I told him, hey, like, actually this is what your social worker said to me. And I. And he said, wow, that's Chris. I'm so sorry. Like, he's like, I will try to connect you with another social worker and I'll make sure that they don't do that again. They don't say anything like that again. I'm like, yeah, cuz, you know, like, he's not in my shoes. He's not in my house, so he can't really know, like, what he's saying is, like, accurate. So. So eventually I got assigned to another social worker and that social worker. So the first time she came to my house. And this is a point that I really want to emphasize because a lot of people think that if you're abused, abusive situation, that your home has to, like, look A certain way. Like it has to look like dirty or it has to like, you know, like.
- [45:10]
Interviewer
Like bad living conditions.
- [45:11]
Shani (Interviewee)
Exactly. But the thing is that it's not necessarily the case. Just cuz your house looks nice or it's clean doesn't mean that you're not being abused.
- [45:19]
Interviewer
Right. Like, you know what's going on behind closed doors.
- [45:21]
Shani (Interviewee)
Right. And the unfortunate part is the first time that I got assigned to this new social worker, she came to my house and she's like, well, your house looks fine. Like your house is nice. Like your room's nice. Yeah. Cuz my mom, like my mom was a clean person. Like I mean, even though would clean the house. Yeah. She was never dirty, so our house was always clean. But it's like just because our house is clean doesn't mean that, you know, and that's such a huge misconception. I think people need to get over that. You know, abuse doesn't equal dirty.
- [45:45]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [45:46]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, you know, you can be abused and your house can be nice. And actually my mom, like she. And since I wasn't allowed to do chores, like my mom would clean the house, like she was the one cleaning. I wasn't even allowed to clean my room. So that's why my room was always like super spotless. Like she would even let me make my own bed if she, if I wanted to. She would get mad at me. She wouldn't even let me make my own bed. She wouldn't let me touch my own stuff. Because that's the thing. Like as a child, like that's why I thought, oh, my mom's so cool. But it was really just I'd be dependent of her.
- [46:10]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [46:11]
Shani (Interviewee)
Or like she wouldn't even let me do my own laundry.
- [46:12]
Interviewer
Like not know how to do anything on your own.
- [46:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. So then she could tell people have special needs because. Oh look, my daughter doesn't know how to do anything. She's 17.
- [46:18]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [46:18]
Shani (Interviewee)
And that's when I realized, oh, this is why she was doing that. Because she wouldn't let me cook and she wouldn't let me like use the washer dryer because she said that I was gonna break the machines.
- [46:30]
Interviewer
You know, it sounds like. What is it? It's a Munchausen by proxy.
- [46:35]
Shani (Interviewee)
Proxy.
- [46:36]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [46:36]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. And it's exactly what I think my mom has.
- [46:38]
Interviewer
Well, and it's interesting because it sounds like that, but it makes me. I mean, and who knows, like if you didn't get out of it, if it would have even progressed further than what it was.
- [46:48]
Shani (Interviewee)
Oh, of course it Would have.
- [46:49]
Interviewer
Okay. Yeah. Cause I was gonna say, like, I'm surprised, though, up until then that she wasn't, like, actually trying to make you sick or something like that. Because, I mean, if she's sitting there saying, like, oh, she's special needs, like, obviously you are not. So it's like, it makes you kind of surprised that she didn't try to actually, like, inflict things like that.
- [47:07]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, it's just because she wanted to make me so dependent, so she didn't teach me life skills, so she didn't teach me how to do laundry, so I don't know how to do laundry. She didn't teach me how to cook, so I don't know how to cook because she want me touching her. Her kitchen at all. She didn't want me touching her laundry machines. So she would just do everything I wanted for me, Right. So I wouldn't learn. She never taught me how to tie my shoes. All the skills I learned from other people. I learned to tie my shoes from someone in musical theater who taught me. I didn't know how to tie my own hair. I only Learned from a FaceTime call with my aunt when I was 17. I didn't know how to tie my hair before I was 17 years old. Like, I did not know how to do a single thing for myself. My mom was doing every single thing for me. So. Yeah. But when social crimes to my house, well, she's gonna see my room is all clean because my mom cleaned it. Like, what do you mean? You know? But so when she came in, she's like, yeah, well, it just doesn't really seem like you're in an abusive situation. Like, it just doesn't seem that bad. And I'm like, but I'm not lying to you. Like, why would I make this up? Like, it is? And she just didn't believe me. It was so hard. Like, that whole summer, it seemed like nobody was believing me.
- [48:07]
Interviewer
And also, there's a lot of invisible forms of abuse.
- [48:11]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. And it was so frustrating because, you know, I was like, I was not suicidal, but I wanted. I didn't want to live the particular life I was living. Like, you know, I wanted to, like. I wanted to, like, do, like, a lot of drugs. I never did it, thankfully, but I wanted to. I never drank or actually did drugs in my life, but there was a huge desire for me to do it because I. Because I didn't want to live another day sober to see what was going on. Like, I just didn't want to see it anymore.
- [48:40]
Interviewer
You Wanted that escape.
- [48:41]
Shani (Interviewee)
So I literally wanted to, like, be high every day just so I wouldn't have to see it. And then, like, I guess so. I guess what really helped me is I started praying one day. I just. I started praying to God, and I was like, I don't even know if God's real or not, but I'm just going to start praying. I didn't know how to pray, and I prayed, and I was like, you know, because I was like, nobody's believing me right now, but if you're real, then get me out of the situation somehow. Get some social worker, someone to believe me, someone to help me out of this, because I can't stay trapped in my room my whole life. Like, you know, like, I need. Like, Trapped in your own life, literally. Like, yeah, like, I need. I need to. You know, And. And I think that, like, God really pulled through, because later on, the social worker. So the social worker told me that day when she came and said, okay, there's anything wrong, But I begged her. I said, please, please, please. Like, I was like, you know, I. You need to believe me. She said, okay, well, if you insist that it's so bad, then let's schedule an appointment for two weeks, and you can come in two weeks to my office. I don't think it's really that bad. I really. She thought, like, this appointment was gonna be a waste, but I said, no, I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll go. I'll be there in two weeks. I'll be your office in two weeks. Like, I was so happy because I was like, this could really be, like, a chance. I didn't. I thought the chance. Chance is pretty small because I can already tell she's not believing me. But I'm like, I will take any chance I can get at this point. So I'm like, I'll take it. And so my mom and I had to go.
- [50:10]
Interviewer
Oh, she had you guys go together?
- [50:12]
Shani (Interviewee)
I'm not allowed to go anywhere by myself. Okay. So my mom has to go there, too. And my aunt was there because she was there.
- [50:19]
Interviewer
What did your mom. What did your mom say about having to go to that appointment?
- [50:23]
Shani (Interviewee)
Obviously, she wasn't happy about it, but I insisted. So now it's kind of like, we have to go.
- [50:29]
Interviewer
Yeah. Okay.
- [50:30]
Shani (Interviewee)
Because now social services is kind of involved. Right. And so my. And my aunt, who was staying, spending the summer, like, helping my mom, like, babysit me. My mom would do her things well, so she had. So she went as well. But so the sad part is, and I guess it was kind of my bad too, but like, so the weekend before the weekend, right before going to the social worker's office, my mom wanted to go to Vancouver for the weekend with my aunt because, you know, and with me because she just wanted to do like a fun summer trip because she just wanted to. But obviously since I'm not allowed alone, I'm not allowed to be home alone, right? And my aunt's gonna be going with my mom on this trip, then I have to go too. So I was like, well, do you want to come to Vancouver for the weekend? We're gonna go to Vancouver and we're gonna. You can basically. Mom told me I could, like, basically I could buy whatever I wanted. I could go on a shopping spree and get whatever I wanted. But like, basically. So I don't tell anything to the social worker, right? So it's like you can get anything you want, but only if, like, you don't tell, you know, like what's going on. And obviously me as a kid, like 17 years old, like, I mean, it sounds kind of cool to get like, you know, free stuff. I mean, I get to like go shopping at like nice stores and I get to like, get whatever I want. So I was like, okay, yeah. So I mean, you know, we stayed at a nice hotel and we did the shopping and I bought a lot of expensive things. And now I didn't think that me wearing those things and going to the social workers office was going to make it look like what I'm going through isn't true. So for me, I was like, oh, it's nice. I got new clothes and I want to wear my new clothes, right? And so my social worker sees me and she's like, she's like, well, she's like, I heard that you went on a shopping spree to Vancouver. Cuz I'm gonna told her. And she's like, I'm so sorry that your mom had to take you to Vancouver this weekend and go on a shopping spree. She's like, I wish I could do that. She's like, I'm so sorry that you got a new Michael Kors bag and you got like new Michael Kors shoes. I shop at like Joe Fresh. I wish I could do that too. She's like, man, it sounds like your situation is so bad. And I was like, no, but like, it is. I don't know what you mean. And she's like, because for me, like, it didn't click that like, oh, if I dress A certain way, then it's not going to be credible. But my mom literally, like, kind of made me do this. So that way, like, she would look good again, right? So then it's like. But obviously, even though I told my mom I wasn't gonna tell, I was still gonna tell. Like, you know, I just want the free stuff. So I don't. Social worker. I'm like, no, but, like, I'm not lying about what I'm saying. Like, I really am going through all of this. So she worked. Like, you know what? Like, I think this is, like, BS and basically, like, she wanted to call the whole thing off, but there was something that she still ended up calling the whole thing off after that because she thought, okay, like, it just doesn't sound too credible because, like, the house is nice and the girl's wearing, like, nice new clothes. But there was something that kind of put her off a little bit because after. So I was talking to the social worker, just being one on one in that room. But after, like, she wanted to talk to my mom and my aunt alone without me there and then. So she said, okay, well, can I talk to you guys alone and have Shani wait in the waiting room? And my mom was like. And my aunt was like, no, we don't leave Shani alone. And so she was like, oh, well, but she's 17. She's like, we have a secretary there. Like, she's not gonna be alone. My aunt's like, no, she has to be under supervision of me or her mom. We don't. If she's not under supervision of us, we. We don't let her by herself. Not in the waiting room either. And so she was like, okay, well, that's kind of weird. So she's like, okay, well, I guess then I'll do mom first, and then I'll do the aunt. Like, you know, just do one on one with each. That way someone's always with me, right? So that kind of ticked her off, but it didn't take her off. And not to not call the whole thing off. So she still called everything off. But she did think that was weird. She did think that was weird, but not weird enough to, like, get more involved so go back home to the same living hell. I don't remember if my phone got taken at that point again either. I don't. I don't remember. Like, I just remember, like, certain bits and parts in summer because it was like such a. It's kind of a blur now because I feel like also so many years have Passed. It was, like, not a great experience. My mind doesn't really want to remember.
- [54:38]
Interviewer
Blocks it out.
- [54:39]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah, all of that stuff. But I remember I went back home, and I remember it was just hell again. And I remember at this point, there was one day I had my diary, right? And my diary is where I wrote all the crap about my mom. So I definitely don't want my mom reading that. And my mom, like, caught my diary. So she was holding it, and I was, like, trying. I was trying to pull out of her hands, basically. We were playing, like, tug of war. And then she, like, kicked me in the stomach. But the thing is that. So I think that she actually kicked me in the stomach by accident. Like, it wasn't. It wasn't like she wanted to kick me in the stomach like that. I know it was. It was because, like, she just wanted, like, me to let go so she. She could read the diary, basically. But because she still kicked me in the stomach, I was like, well, now you physically abused me. So I was like. So I was like, now I'm gonna call again. So I, like, ran to my room and I'm like, you know what? Screw this. I'm calling because I'm like, now this is physical abuse. And hopefully at least this will make someone believe me and listen to me, because at least if I say, hey, momma, keep me in the stomach, maybe now they're actually gonna take this seriously. So I called the help line. It wasn't. I didn't call social services. I called a different helpline. It was like a youth empowerment society, something like that. So anyways, I found their line. I called them, and I told them what was going on. And I said, hey, mom just hit me in the stomach. And they said, oh, well, this is serious. Like, we need to call. We need to get social services involved, so we need to call. And I said, well, I was like, you can do that, but they're not gonna believe you. Trust me. Like, I have, like, two social workers already, and they've already called it off. Like, they want nothing to do with this. And they're like, no, it doesn't matter, though, because that's physical abuse, so we have to call. And also, like, he also thought the phone call was kind of weird with me just because, like, my mom would, like, come by my room and, like, I would hide my phone under the pillow every so often. My mom would. So that way, like, you know, I'd be like, oh, hold on a second. I would hide under my pillow so she's not thinking I'm calling a hot blind again. So the guy was like, yeah. And also just like, this phone call is really weird because you keep like, you know, putting you on hold. And like, I just, I sense something really off, you know? Cause they tell me you got kicked in the stomach and. And you keep putting me on hold. Like it's just not right. I have to call social services again. So they call social services for me. And so doesn't social services call on my behalf for like physical abuse? The social worker, the same social worker who had called it off, gets back involved. So now she's like, great. So she stood up at my house again and she's like, well, so now she's thinking not to investigate. But I don't really know how she. I don't know if she felt like. Still was like bs, but thankfully that day. And I think that if my mom hadn't reacted the way she did that day, I would probably be still locked in that room. Because my mom, that day, she just. When the social worker came again, she just lost it. Like she's had a. Had like a meltdown. Like had like a full on melon because she just couldn't take anymore. She was sick and tired of like social workers and socially coming. And now she's like, she's just probably.
- [57:35]
Interviewer
To a degree having to put up this facade too. You know, it's hard to just like fake something and pretend over and over. I do have one question. Were you ever scared of her?
- [57:46]
Shani (Interviewee)
Would you say my mom? Well, I mean, yeah. When I'm trapped in my room, like, yeah. I mean, because, you know, I don't know, like, if I'm ever gonna be free. I don't know if like, you know. Yeah, she literally has my phone. She literally disconnected all the home phones.
- [57:58]
Interviewer
Right. I just wasn't sure if it was something where it was like you kind of just were so used to it that it was just. It seemed like almost okay. This is just how my life is.
- [58:08]
Shani (Interviewee)
Well, I was used to it too. And I did like, kind of like this how my life is. But I never wanted to accept that.
- [58:14]
Interviewer
Right?
- [58:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
I was like, I'm never gonna sit there and accept that. Like, there has to be something better. And that's why I started praying to God, there has to be more to this than what I'm going through right now. There's no way that this is just gonna be the rest of my life. My mom's always gonna stalk me. No.
- [58:32]
Interviewer
Right.
- [58:32]
Shani (Interviewee)
I'm not gonna accept that. So that's Why I kept fighting. Even after getting so many, like, I guess, rejections from social workers and helplines and people just not believing me, I kept fighting. So that fighting spirit, I was like, no. I was like, someone's gonna believe me eventually. Someone's gonna listen to me. And so, yeah, eventually, that day when the third time that I saw that social worker, she came to my house and she told my mom, she's like, I need to talk to your daughter alone outside. And my mom said, no, like, I need to be there. And she's like, dude, it's just like in the front yard, like, it's fine, you know? And so she was like, there's seven year olds, like, you know, riding their bikes here by themselves in the, like, the neighborhood. Like, what's wrong? Like, why can't your 17 year old daughter come outside? And like, you know, Mom's like, no, because I don't let her go outside alone without me being there. Watching, like, just started, like, losing, just freaking out, bawling her eyes out, crying. She's like, I never leave Shani unsupervised. Like, she's always supervised by me. Like, I don't let her home alone. So now she's admitting all this. Like, I don't let her home alone. She's like, I don't let her come in the front yard by herself without me being there. I don't let her out of my sight. Like, you know, it's always either me or my sister that's there, but she's never without one of us. And so now they're like, okay, whoa. Like, actually what I'm saying was true. And I'm like, well, yes, because I wasn't lying about this. And so social worker actually knows just like, oh, shoot, like, this is bad.
- [59:56]
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- [60:25]
Shani (Interviewee)
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- [62:49]
Interviewer
Yeah, you weren't socialized at all. I feel it. Like, you weren't Allowed to.
- [62:53]
Narrator/Advertiser
To.
- [62:53]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, I didn't know how to do laundry. Like, I didn't know how to use a laundry machine.
- [62:55]
Interviewer
Besides that, you weren't really allowed to grow up like your friends did.
- [63:01]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah.
- [63:01]
Interviewer
You know, and have that freedom to.
- [63:03]
Shani (Interviewee)
People were driving cars already on my. You know.
- [63:05]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [63:05]
Shani (Interviewee)
My friends are driving cars. They're babysitting other people's kids, not babies.
- [63:09]
Interviewer
You had no sense of self or identity whatsoever.
- [63:12]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. So I'm like, I can't. I knew I couldn't live on my own. Like, I know I can't survive on my own because I don't know how to cook. I don't know how to do laundry. Don't know how to. I'd never even cleaned. I never even did my own bed. I didn't know how to make a bed. Like, this is not realistic for me to go live on my own. And it's. It's not because I have special needs, you know, but it's because, honestly, if a kid is like, say you grew up in a third world country, right? And you don't know how to read or write, that's not because you don't have special needs. That's just because you were never taught how to read or write. Someone who's never taught will not know those skills. Right. And. But at first, that's why these social workers kind of believe my mom. Because in the beginning, when the social order would come, she would tell, like, oh, well, look. She'd be like, should I tie your shoes? I'd be like, I don't know. And I'd be like, see, my daughter doesn't know how to tie her shoes. See, my daughter doesn't know how to tie her hair. But, you know, in that moment when she kind of admitted to everything, that's when it's like, oh, well, now this is real. You know? So, yeah. So I remember that day. Like, yeah, I was offered the opportunity, but I was like, you know what? I just. I. And it was all so much because, like, I'm literally being told this, like, in one day, I have to, like, make a decision. I'm like, like, it's too much for me. I was just trapped in my room the whole summer. I can't really make a decision on whether or not I'm gonna go live on my own or I'm gonna go to foster care. So I was like, you know, I was like, I don't really want to do this, but I also don't wanna have. I mean, I don't wanna live, obviously, this particular same life. So what the social worker decided to do is like, okay, we're gonna make an agreement. So basically she had a paper made my mom sign it and my dad, so basically my dad when he came home from work, she was like, sign here. But I was like, okay, sign there. He doesn't even know what's going on really, but he's just signing it. So anyways, yeah, my mom signed the paper and basically the rules were like I'm allowed to be home alone. Like so if my mom goes runs errands, like, and my aunt's not there because my aunt obviously didn't live there. She was just there for the summer. So I'm home, like I'm allowed to be home alone and she can't force me to go do the errands with her. Like she can't. And she also like can't force me to stay in my room. Like if I want to go outside with my friends in the daytime, like go to the mall, that I'm allowed to do that and she can't like, you know, stalk me there. Right. So she had all these like rules that she had to like, oh, and she wasn't allowed to take my phone away either. Oh, she's allowed to take my phone away, my cell phone, if like, you know, I was behaving badly or whatever. But like she wasn't allowed to disconnect all the home phones because she's social worker said that's actually a safety issue because if there's an emergency or a fire or there's something like that's actually like, like illegal, you know, cuz it's like that could be like a crime actually. Like if I something happened to me and all the home phones are just connected and I have no way of calling 911. So that's actually a whole other issue. So my mom is definitely not allowed to do that anymore. So there's all these rules my mom had to agree to. But see, this was not like a legally binding paper. It was the paper social worker made. But she hoped that my mom would take it seriously enough to be like, okay, this is good and I'll back off. Right. And I thought so too. Most of my mom being my mom, unless like you're threatening to like take her to jail, she's not gonna like even though she signs it, it's just like whatever for her, you know?
- [66:08]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [66:09]
Shani (Interviewee)
So anyways, after mom signs it, I told the social worker, I said, well, I wanna go to the corner store and get a slurpee and this is, like, my first ever time that I would be able to, like, go outside by myself, walk to the corner store and get a Slurpee. And social worker. I said, social worker, can I go? And she said, yeah. Like, you're free. Do whatever now. Like, mom signed the paper. Like, you could you go to. You go to the store? And my mom was, like, still crying, freaking out, and being like, no, no, no. But, like. But like, she knew she technically couldn't hold me back, in a sense, because she signed that paper. So I walked with the. And this is so embarrassing. Like, I haven't really admitted this to anyone except, like, one friend this year. But, like, when I. When I walked out of my house that day for the first time by myself, the first person. Because I had no friends really at this point anymore, right? Because nobody wanted my friend after, like, everything that had happened. My mom. So the first person I could think to call was, like, a helpline. And I called the helpline as soon as I left my house because I wanted to let them know the good news that I was happy that I was able. I never want to share with anyone because I was like. I called them and I said, hey, like, I'm actually, for the first time today ever in my life going by myself to get a Slurpee without my mom being there. And I'm, like, 17 years old. And I was so happy. I was so excited. I want to share the good news with someone. And I had no friends to share it with, so I called the helpline.
- [67:29]
Interviewer
I mean, like, I think that, you know, obviously that's something that you can look at and be like, obviously, this isn't the norm for kids. But I think that it's an important. It's an important time to mention because it does really set into perspective what you were going through and how sheltered you were. Even just from something as simple as friends, like, it is heartbreaking. It's very sad.
- [67:55]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. Yeah, it was. So. Yeah. So anyways, I make the call, and then. And then I'm walking to the corner store, right. Get my Slurpee. No, actually, I didn't get my Slurpee. So as I was walking to the corner store, I see a cop car start coming behind me as I'm, like, right close to the corner store. And I'm like, what the heck? And so I'm freaking out. Cause I'm like, I don't know why the cops are after me. Like, I didn't do anything wrong. Like, it's a short time I could go get my Slurpee. So I literally just start running. Like, I just start. I don't stop. I just start running. And I. And I'm. And I can, like, go very far. Like, I went to, like, almost the other side of town. The town's pretty small, but I went almost the other side of town. And so I'm just keep on going, going. And the cop car just keeps chasing me. And they put their sirens on, and they put. And I'm like, what is going on? And my mom's calling my phone, and I don't want to answer her. I'm like, what the frick is this? So I just keep going, going straight. And then eventually I get to the second corner store, which is, like, actually quite a bit further away. It's on the other side of the town. And once I get to that corner store, the cop car just stops right in front of me. Like, pulls right in front of me. So then I'm like, okay, shoot, now I'm screwed. So. And then he's like, stop. And I'm like. Comes out of his car and tells me, stop riding. I'm like, okay. And he's like. I'm like, hey, well, I gotta go to the bathroom. So I'm like, can I go to the bathroom first before you talk? And he said, yeah. So I, like, ran to the corner store, went to the bathroom. So I'm, like, freaking out. I'm like, what do I do now? Like, I just went through all this today. Why is the cops here? I don't understand what I did wrong. So anyways. But I know I have to come out of the bathroom. He's, like, literally waiting for me outside the corner store. So I come out of the bathroom, and then he's like, you're not in trouble. He's like, I'm. I just had to come because there was a report of a missing person. And I'm like, a missing person? Are you kidding me? I'm like, what do you mean? And he's like, yeah. He's like. So then he asked me my name, and because, you know, he had my description. I guess that's how he knew it was me. And. And he's like, are you this person? I said, yeah. And he's like, okay, well, is this your mom? And I said, yeah. And he's like, your mom phoned and reported you as a missing person. Like, she had literally, like, I don't even know the span of the time that I was on the phone with a helpline during that time as I was literally just walking out of my house, corner store. So as soon as I walked out of the house and social worker left, she just phoned police right away and reported me as missing. Like insane. Yeah, she did that so quick because it's like, literally, like, not even, like, 10 minutes in, and the cops are like, yeah, so we just want to make sure you were safe. That's why I was. I was behind me, and I was like, okay, well, I'm fine. And then. And then I said, but I don't think my mom would have called because. No, like, she signed a paper and everything. I'm explaining this to him, and he's like, no, she did. And I'm like, no, I kind of. I don't know why I didn't believe it. So then he tells me the phone number that called, and I was like, oh, yeah, she. That is our home phone number. And I was like, I guess that is my mom. So then I'm really mad at my mom, and I call her, and I'm like, dude, did you really call the police and pregnant person? She's like, no, I didn't. She's like, I have no idea what's going on. She's like, it must have been the neighbors. Like, why would the neighbors.
- [70:49]
Interviewer
Yeah. Wasn't she calling you a million times anyway?
- [70:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. And we weren't even close to our neighbors. Like, they didn't talk to my neighbors. I'm like, why would the neighbors think I'm missing anyways? Like, it's so ridiculous. I'm like, no, you phoned. But see, here's the thing. I don't know if she really, like, the thing I'm not sure of is I don't know if she really knows that she phoned them or not, or, like, if she was just going through, like, an episode where she didn't even, like. I don't know if she realized that she had phoned them, reported me as missing or if she didn't, you know, I don't know if she was, like, through, like, her freaking out. This is my first time leaving without her. I don't know if she just, like, automatically phoned 911 and didn't realize that she was doing that or. Or if, like, she deliberately did it, you know?
- [71:27]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [71:28]
Shani (Interviewee)
So I don't know, maybe in her head, maybe she. She thinks she didn't do it, and maybe. Maybe she doesn't know that she did it. I don't know. But either way, I'm like, at this point, like, the Cops told me that it's the phone number of their home phone. So I know she did it, either she believes it or not. I know my mom called, because I just don't. I know the neighbors wouldn't have called. And then, like, they contacted my social worker and stuff, and they're like, yeah, we know. Like, social worker went and, like, it's fine. You're fine. You can just go on, get your Slurpee, do whatever you want. And I'm like, great. So thank you very much. And he actually told me, you know, he's like, you have a good head on your shoulders. And he told me I should be a cop. And I was like, oh. I was like, I don't know about that, but thank you. So anyways, got my Slurpee. And then I. And then the second thing I did, I was like, I'm gonna go to the bank and get my own bank card. I was like, I need to get a debit card. I didn't know how to do it, but I'm like, I'm gonna show up at the bank and get one, because I know everyone else has one. I think I need this.
- [72:17]
Interviewer
Yeah. So were you working or not yet?
- [72:21]
Shani (Interviewee)
Well, so during the summer, there was a period of time when I did have a summer job, but I got fired because my mom and my aunt were always there. Like, they were always at the store, like, following me. And so I was like, no workplace wants that.
- [72:35]
Interviewer
No, Just.
- [72:35]
Shani (Interviewee)
It's awkward.
- [72:36]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [72:37]
Shani (Interviewee)
Because, like, when I was allowed to do things outside of the house, like, when there was a pyramid, I was also just trapped in my room where I wasn't allowed to leave my room. There was also a period of time when I was like. But when I was allowed to go and do things, like they always had to do. Fully monitoring you, supervising me. Yeah. So it's not like I didn't work a job on myself, but the job was a blessing because I met one of my best friends who really, like, helped me a lot. Like, I mean, her family's just incredible. Like, they've done so much for me. Like, she's helped me financially. She's helped me, like, I mean, with a place to stay. Like, you know, like, later on, like, you know, when I would need a place to, like, go, like, you know, she would, like, have me in her house. Like, I could stay there, and they would. Her family would feed me so much. Like, I could just sleep there. You know, they had, like, a bed made for me. Like, they've just done so much and they didn't even have a lot. Like, they probably had less than my family. But they've. But they're just such good people that, you know. Yeah. Like, it was just. It was such a God thing, too, that I met her. Like, I knew. Like, I think I just got that job just to meet her probably. It's probably what it was. But anyway, so after that summer, I went to my grade 12 years in my last year of high school. So the paper that she had signed, like I said before, was not like. Like a court order paper. Right. It was just, like, a regular paper. So two weeks later, she decided not to follow it anymore. She couldn't abide by it. It was too much for her. So she started following me around in the neighborhood. If I was like, I'm gonna go for a walk, she. She would be right behind me, like, she was starting that thing all over again. And I'm like, you're not allowed to do this because you signed a paper. But because it's not legally binding, she doesn't care. So I phoned the social worker, and I'm like, hey. Well, my mom's, like, doing this again. Like, she's following me and stuff. And so eventually they had to get a court order. And so, like, Larry's like, okay, if you now do these things, you're gonna get arrested. So that's what eventually stopped her from doing this. And now I'm in my grade 12 year, by the way. So I'm in my last year of high school. Like, I'm about to turn 18 this year. So it's like, oh, my gosh. Like, it's crazy that she's still doing this. And then one day, my vice principal pulls me, and this is when I found out my mom was always in the parking lot of the school. So one day, my grade 12 year, my vice principal, he pulls me into his office, and he's like, hey, I want you to see something on our cat. And he's like, I want to tell you something. And I'm like, okay. And he's like, so I don't know if you're aware, but your mom is here, like, half the day. And I'm like, no, she's not. I didn't think that. I really didn't think so. Because, like, she told. Always told me that she was doing things. She's like. She told me that she, like, yoga classes or whatever, and she's like. And that she, like, had errands to run. She always told me that she did all these Other things. So I just. I don't know, I kind of just believed her, you know? And I'm like, no, that's not Trimly. Well, I'm just Erin. She's like, she's classes. Like, she's not. She's not in the parking lot. And he's like, no, she is. And if you don't believe me, I can prove to you it's on her cameras, like, and also my office is right in front of there and I can see her car. Like, I can literally see it from my office. Like, she comes here around. Around lunchtime and stays up until the end of school or up until the end of my extracurricular activities. And other kids had noticed, but I just had never noticed, I guess. And so eventually the school had to put a restraining order on my mom.
- [75:47]
Interviewer
Really.
- [75:47]
Shani (Interviewee)
So she wasn't even allowed to now go on school grounds from like a certain time to a certain time. And not even just that they actually had extended it. So like my high school, like, so, like, if you think about it, like, there was a whole strip, right? It's like really long. So from where my high school was, she wasn't allowed from there all the way to like where the Starbucks and like the 711 was. And that was like really far walk. It was like a 10 minute walk. She was banned from that whole entire property from like, I can't remember what hours, but it was like certain hours in the morning to the certain hour in the afternoon. She wasn't allowed on that property at all.
- [76:19]
Interviewer
Right. Basically when you'd be there.
- [76:21]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah, that she wasn't allowed to be on there because they're like, no, this is crazy. And because also students were starting to make like, false allegations just because they're so used to being comfortable too.
- [76:31]
Interviewer
It's just like, nobody. She doesn't need to be there. There's no reason for that.
- [76:35]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, but it was just like, it was getting a lot because, like, I know, like one guy at one time and he was just being silly. Like, I mean, like, he was just being a teenage boy. But, like, just because, like, it was kind of getting serious. That's why the school didn't want it. Because, like, he was saying, oh, like, he said that like, my mom, like, asked him to go on a date or slept with him, something like that. And it was not true. Like, it was. That was not true. And the school knew that wasn't true. But just because, like, students started saying that just because they got so used to seeing her. So because, like now it's like now because like boys that are like underage are saying that it's like not good. So that's why they're like, well yeah, she can't be there anymore, right? So yeah. So my mom got a restraining order from my school and then I got a court order for me so she wasn't allowed to do all these things. And then so I had to go to court against my own mother. I was in grade 12 and you know, my school counselor, I saw a different school counselor after the first one. But the other one said, you know, she's like, you know, this age, like you shouldn't be worrying about like you know, like surviving and like you know, going to court against your mom. Like you should be worrying about like, like your homework and like what boys you like. Not, not this, like this would not be like the reality of 17 year old, you know, and like this my reality. And I almost didn't graduate high school because like I was, I was not the smartest kid. But I definitely could have done a lot better. But the thing is that my priorities weren't even on studying. Like they weren't even on doing homework. Like I was failing all my classes because like, because of what was going on at home. So I couldn't even like there was.
- [78:07]
Interviewer
I feel like there was no sense of like stability. You didn't know it was gonna happen next, you know, or how bad it would be. I feel like, or like you said, you know at times, if you were just gonna be locked in your room forever.
- [78:20]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, I didn't even want to go home. Yeah, like I would sure I was someone stay at school, just like hanging out in the hallways when like everyone was gone. Just cuz I didn't want to go home cuz I was scared also like what kind of mom would I come home to? Because I feel like she would get very angry. Then after that, after all of that and after going to court, like she started getting very mad at me, right? Because now she's like. Because she had to pay like so she paid some of the best lawyers on the island because you know, because I mean obviously she's an adult and she's my dad's money and I have no money, I'm just 17. So obviously I couldn't defend myself in court as good as she could because I just had the lawyer from like, you know, basically like the public, right? Like I had like the. So so my mom kind of like I guess like not kind of one in court in a sense if that makes Sense, like, not that she was allowed to stalk me still and do all these things. Like, that was still in place that she couldn't do these things. But in a sense, like, she didn't get as much like. Like, you know, she didn't really get, like, in trouble for anything just because, like, she paid a really good lawyer and her lawyer was like. Like, you know, I mean, obviously lawyers, they'll lie for you if you pay them. Right? And so obviously gather say, oh, yeah, she has special needs. Like, you know, obviously the lawyer is going to say, I have special needs. And my mom even paid a psychologist to write a paper about me having.
- [79:34]
Interviewer
Special needs, but with no testing done.
- [79:38]
Shani (Interviewee)
Well, I had some testing done when I was a kid, but there wasn't anything, like, where it was, like, I had special needs. I have ocd.
- [79:44]
Interviewer
Right.
- [79:44]
Shani (Interviewee)
But, like, I mean, that's mental illness. It's not even special needs.
- [79:47]
Interviewer
But I'm. I'm saying in the sense of when they wrote the paper, they just. It was all assumptions and whatever.
- [79:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
It was just like, my mom, like, basically paid us. Paid someone to write a paper because she wanted me to look bad. Yeah. Like, you know, because, I mean, like, yeah, I got tested for, like. I mean, I got diagnosed with, like, OCD and, like. And, like, complex ptsd. But those are mental illnesses. That's not even. That doesn't even categorize as special needs.
- [80:14]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [80:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
No. So what's. So it's like that. Yeah, but my mom just. Yeah, she used my dad's money, so she would just pay all these people because she could.
- [80:24]
Interviewer
Mm.
- [80:24]
Shani (Interviewee)
And. And I couldn't. I mean, obviously I had more freedoms now because there was a court order in place that, like, even though, like, she went through these doors and everything, if she actually were to breach this, she could still get arrested. But she was really angry at me after that. Like, really angry, obviously. Cause she had to, like, you know, invest time and money and all this into, like, basically going to court against her daughter. So after that, I was. I was really scared to go home. Like, then I actually became, like, more scared of my mom because, like, I was actually scared at this point, like, what she gonna do, how she gonna react? Like, I never knew what kind of mom I would come home to. So that's why after that, I just wanted to stay at school all the time. After school. I would never want to leave because I was just scared that my mom would come home and abuse me and say things to me. And then my mom. Yeah. And then she got. She got worse. In a sense, because at first when I was a kid, like, she was just nicer. She was just controlling. Right. But she wasn't saying anything mean to me. But then, like, she started really, like that year, like, she just started really, like, because she had to, like, I guess, like, I don't know, mess me up in some way. So she had to, like, do something to affect me. So. And this is where. This is where the biracial part comes in. So when I said I was, I grew up in biracial home, so my mom started being racist towards me for being half Asian, which is so crazy. Yeah. So she would say things like, she told me like, oh, you know, like, you're not. You're not Asian. You're like, from me. So, like, it doesn't really count. And I'm like, well, my dad is full Asian, so that literally makes me 50. 50. That makes me 50% white and 50% Asian. Because my dad is full Asians. What do you mean? And she's like, no, but like, you're not really, because you're like it for me, you know? And she tell me how much, like, she hated Asian people and how my dad should. And then she started, like, telling me like, oh, how my dad should go back to his country and say that his family should go back to their country. And she starts saying stuff like that.
- [82:17]
Interviewer
Horrible.
- [82:17]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like being like. Yeah, like, she's like. But I was like, you know, you realize that you're saying this about my dad, but I'm literally like, this is really offensive.
- [82:24]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [82:24]
Shani (Interviewee)
And she'd be like, well, I'm not telling you that, but I'm just like, you know, saying like, they don't really, like, belong here. Because my mom was also white supremacist. She was like, well, Canada's like a white people country. Like, we don't. Yeah. So. And then I would hear that a lot.
- [82:40]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [82:41]
Shani (Interviewee)
When she wouldn't tell me when I was a child, but I don't know, I guess she was mad and she had to try to attack me and attack my dad somehow.
- [82:47]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [82:48]
Shani (Interviewee)
She had a.
- [82:48]
Interviewer
It's still that form of control.
- [82:50]
Shani (Interviewee)
And she would, like, hang it over my dad's head, you know, whatever he did wrong after that, or whatever she did that she didn't. Like, she would tell him, well, you know what, I can get you deported. But my dad is citizenship, so it's like, okay, like how. But she would say these things, like, you know, and I would just. And then I would just hear this every day at home. I Suppose I didn't want to go home because I was just tired of hearing that every single day.
- [83:09]
Interviewer
Negativity. Constantly.
- [83:10]
Shani (Interviewee)
It was always negativity. And then. And when I had Hispanic friends, she started saying, oh, well, they're all in the cartel or they're all rapists. And she would say, oh, I mean, listener friends. Oh, they're all terrorists. So she actually made these comments on a daily basis. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, when I was also. Before I was allowed to actually go out, when before all the. Like, before all my freedom happened, she would actually. This was also another thing that was in the agreement that social worker had put down because my mom also did fear tactics with me. So she didn't. So she also, like, almost wanted it to make it in a way so that I wouldn't want to go outside, right? So she would try to control my mind, and she would print out paper, like, print out news stories of girls getting raped and getting killed every single day. She would read these to me. I forgot to mention that. She would read these to me every day and be like, see, this is what happens when you go outside without your parents supervision. Had those girls, their parents been there, do you think they would have been raped and killed? No. And then, yeah, that was part of the agreement that she wasn't allowed to read me those papers anymore and wasn't allowed to do that. That's crazy. And also, she wanted me to, like, almost. Almost wanted to make it all so that I wouldn't want to have friends. And I'd be fearful of my friends because she'd be like. She told me these stories of, like, how, like, you know, friends had, like, like, really rare cases, but, you know, where, like, friends had, like, you know, murdered their friends. And, you know, like, she'd pull out these articles, be like, oh, you. Have you heard of that girl who got killed by her friends? Your friends lured her, and she thought they were her friends, but look, they killed her. So how do you know your friends are gonna do that to you?
- [84:48]
Interviewer
So do you think. And you might get to this. So if I'm jumping ahead, let me know. But looking back on things and reflecting back, do you think that your mom truly had this fear about your safety? Or do you think it all came from wanting to simply control you and being a nutcase?
- [85:07]
Shani (Interviewee)
I think both.
- [85:08]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [85:08]
Shani (Interviewee)
I think both. Because one day, I remember one night, she did tell me no. And this seemed pretty sincere and genuine, so I. I guess I could take it. But she said, you know, she's like the reason why I'm like this with you is because I just never wanted you to go through what I went through. So just trying to protect you from that. From like, you know, because she told me that she had gotten raped in the past and so she just wanted to protect me from that.
- [85:35]
Interviewer
And how old was the brother that passed away? Your brother?
- [85:40]
Shani (Interviewee)
Oh, like a baby. He died as an infant. Okay.
- [85:42]
Interviewer
Because like it makes me wonder if that had an effect as well. Just like losing a child and then maybe like going over to you, having you, if that was something where it's like.
- [85:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
No, it had nothing to do with that. Okay. No, my mom was just. I think she likes control and I think that. Yeah, I think she likes control and I think that she kind of did have a fear because she said she got raped. So I think that was kind of like that for me. Like also she's worried about me getting raped. But also it's like you can't go to those extents. Just, you know, like, I mean, like if a kid's gonna get raped, then I mean, I don't know, like, I mean you can't.
- [86:22]
Interviewer
Yeah, like as a parent you can't.
- [86:24]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like you just can't. You can't prevent every. Yeah, you can't prevent everything. Every situation, scary world, but it's the truth. And it's like, you know, at least she could have given me tips. Okay. Like maybe, right? You know, avoid these places at night, you know, don't do these certain things, you know, if you don't, like, you know, if you want bad things to happen, you avoid these places, you know, like if a man does this to you, like, you know, like this is what you should do, right? Not be like, oh, stalker. Yeah, like a stalker.
- [86:53]
Interviewer
And locking you inside. Yeah, it's crazy.
- [86:55]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. So anyways, yeah, my last year of high school, I mean, things kind of got better in the sense that I was. Had freedom. But then it kind of was like hell mentally because my mental health was. Because like she would just say all these things to me, you know, like every single day. And I think really the only thing that helped me through that was like having God. Because like. Because like remember how in the beginning I like more in the beginning I said like how I wanted to do drugs every day because like I wanted to be high and I wanted to like escape my reality. Cuz I was just so tired of seeing the way my life was. So basically like when I started praying to God though I had started seeing small changes, like small improvements Improvements in my life. I wouldn't say things were, like, 160, getting better, but, like, after that point, right? Like, he brought the social workers into my life, or the social workers. Like, the social worker helped me, the last one that I had. And then I was actually starting to do better in school. Like, I wasn't failing my classes anymore, and I was actually starting to make friends and I started to make friendships. And so that was really good. And so I felt like, yeah, like, God helped me. And then I had actually begged my mom to, like, let me go to church because, I don't know, like, after that I was like, can you know if this is really real? So I begged my mom, so, can I go to church? And honestly, she said no, because she was, like, super anti Christian as well. So, like, and later on, when I became a Christian, like, that was a huge, like. Like, red flag for her. But, like, anyways, I asked her, I said, can I go to church? I just need to see if it's real. And, like, it was weird because, like, every time, like, I would walk past the church, like, the year prior, like, I always felt like I had to go inside. I don't even know why. Like, I didn't even, like, believe in God, but I was like, I don't know. I just feel like I have to go inside. So I asked my mom, can I go? And she's like, okay, fine, but only if it's a Catholic church. Because she grew up, like, loosely Catholic, but wasn't actually ever Catholic, you know, like, just, like, I don't know, like, went to a Catholic school as a child and, like, would go to church, like, maybe, like, on. Like, she would just go to a Catholic church, like, on, like, a special occasion, you know? But that doesn't make her, like. But anyway, she said, yeah, like, I'll take you. And so, like, which was really surprising. So eventually she. She took me. And I remember that day like the priest was giving a homily about, like, recently. It's like a sermon, like, about, like. Like gossiping and stuff. And I dealt with a lot of people gossiping about me, obviously, because my mom and I just really resonated with that. And then I just, like, basically gave all my burdens to God. Like, I just prayed in front of the cross. And then I walked out and I felt so free. Like, I just felt, like, physically, like, everything I'd been carrying, like, it just had rolled off my shoulders. I'm not saying my life became perfect after that. Really far from that, but but what I mean is like, those thoughts that I had before of like, wanting not be sober and all those things, it all went away. Like, I never, I never went back to those thoughts. So that really. Yeah, that really shifted. Like, and then the priest told me, join the youth group. And I joined the youth group. My mom had never allowed me to join a youth group when I was a kid. Like I wanted to join my friends youth groups as kid. Mom was like, no. And, and yeah, and then I did. And, and, and then I eventually went to like a Christian church later on, which wasn't Catholic. And that caused a lot of turmoil for my mom because I had a friend, musical theater, because I was doing musical theater as an extracurricular. And one of my friends there told me, oh, go to this church. Come to my youth group. And I was like, heck yeah, it sounds fun. And my mom freaked out and was saying that like it was a cult. And then she thought it was part of a cult and it was a whole thing. And basically she told me that if I get baptized that she would kick me out of the house. And I got baptized. I waited a long time to do it because I was scared I was actually gonna get kicked out. But then she didn't kick me out of the house, so that was good. But she didn't talk to me for like a whole, like 24 hours. Like she was really mad at me. Anyways, later on, I ended up finishing graduating my high school. Oh, so Covid happened not long after because I graduated in 2019.
- [90:52]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [90:52]
Shani (Interviewee)
And so like 2020 is when like Covid hit. Because I guess like between right before COVID like I could have taken a gap year, but I was still staying at my parents house. I had a fund of money that came to me when I was 19 that I could use because I got in a car accident basically, and I was like a young child and. But basically they don't give you that money. It's like, basically when that happened, like, I was entitled to money, but they don't give you that money until you're 19 because I don't know, they just wait until you're an adult. So when I got it at 19, I was like, I have to get out of my mom's house because now, like, I really can't do this anymore. Right. And so, you know, I'm an adult now. I think I can live on my own. I've already graduated high school. And so I would rent these places, like not, not in different cities. Like I would still stay in Victoria still stay nearby. But I was, I would rent different places. But the thing is that, I don't know, I just never felt like I could survive without my mom. You know, I had that thing where I was like, even though I was renting places, I would keep going back. And I would keep going back even though I knew it was bad. Because I think that I was honestly like Albert Einstein's definition of insanity. Like, I thought that like, if I go back then I'll have a different outcome or at least I wanted, I was hoping that like next time I go back to my parents house that like, it's gonna be different. It's gonna be different. But obviously every time it's never different. It's always the same. It was always the same negativity, always the same comments that she would make. It was always the same stuff. But for some reason I always thought I can't survive without her. I didn't know how to do my laundry at first. I didn't know how to cook. And I was like. And I felt like I can't survive without her. And when I went to therapy, my therapist said is because usually people who tend to be abused and not just like relationship wise, but like, even with family, people who tend to have, go through abuse tend to want to go back to their abuser. It's like a cycle that like people, it's like a psychological thing that and it's really hard to break out of. Like, it took me many years later actually to get out of that. Like I'm 25 today and it took me pretty much like really being okay with being alone. Took me like until I was 24. Like it took me a really long time to realize, like, I don't need my mom. But I always felt like when I was living alone, I need her. And that's why I would keep going back and going back and going back. And so eventually I just stopped renting houses and I would just move back in. And it was a really bad decision. The thing is that I didn't even want to be there. And I don't know why I would do this to myself. And now the social workers can't really help me because I've kind of aged out, right? So I'm no longer of, like I'm no longer a child. So what I, what I ended up doing is I ended up calling a women's shelter. And I was like, hey, like, I need to, I want to know if like you guys can take me in and help me. And this is another big thing I want to touch on as well. That, like, I think that it's very upsetting that women's shelters only, like, only accept women that have been abused by partners. Because they. Because they told me no. They said, unless it's like, partner abuse and it's. Then. Then no, we only take. We only take, like a partner abuse people here, not family. Because family is like, it's different. It's your family, you know? But I'm like, hey, but even with my family, like, I didn't choose this. Like, why am I have to, like.
- [93:59]
Interviewer
Live in this thing? I didn't know that.
- [94:01]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah. And they. And they refused me, so I couldn't even go to a woman's shelter. And I'm like, great. So, like, nobody really wants to, like, help yet again help out a girl when it's. When it comes to your family.
- [94:13]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [94:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
It's crazy. Oh, and one thing I did forget to mention too, before Hannah, I'm like, going back and forth. Sorry, but I'm just, like, remembering pieces. But shortly after, like, the court order happened with this social worker, my mom had actually was so upset that she had told me. I knew this was, like, just a manipulation tactic, honestly. But she had told me one day, she said, I'm gonna commit suicide. She's like, you're gonna find me dead with a note that I've committed suicide. Because, like, honestly, I just can't handle this anymore. It's too much for me. But, like, I knew she was just like, saying that, but I was like, I want her to understand the consequences of her words. So I was like, because you said that, I was like, I'm still gonna report that. So I still called 911 and said, hey, my mom is suicidal. She said she's gonna commit suicide. Cause she literally told me, I'm gonna commit suicide and you're gonna find me with a note. So I said that to them. And the cops showed up and. Yeah. And then my mom got put into the psych ward. This episode is brought to you by Marshalls, where you never have to compromise between quality and price. The buyers of Marshalls hustle hard working to bring you great deals on brand name and designer pieces. Because Marshalls believes everyone deserves access to the good stuff. Visit a Marshalls store near you or shop online@marshalls.com so good, so good, so good.
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Shani (Interviewee)
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- [96:05]
Shani (Interviewee)
Wow.
- [96:05]
Interviewer
For how long?
- [96:07]
Shani (Interviewee)
Two days. And the social worker was really upset. She's like, I don't know why they wouldn't keep her there longer. That woman's really crazy. Because my mom said to them, oh yeah, that wasn't true. I was just mad. I just said that I wasn't actually suicidal. And because she technically wasn't, they said, okay, you're free to go, it's crazy. So then she could just come back and, and then obviously that's also why she was mean to me after too because she hated me even more for that. Yeah, but basically that's the big point I just wanted to emphasize was like that I think that something needs to change also with like women's shelters, you know that like not accepting someone based on their abuse, being from their family, that's not okay. Like, you know, like they should, like they should be taking people for family abuse because it's like they have nowhere to go. Like, you know, it's not like someone can just, not everyone can also just afford to go on their own and buy rent. And, and I mean like the thing is that like when you've, when you've been abused, you might not know, like, you know, how to transition out of that, you know. And so I think that it would be really important if women's shelter started accepting girls because you know, I think that could also really help me from not always going back to my parents house and going back in those patterns. And yeah, because that year it was just, it was a lot. And you know, when I tried going to school the year after that, so not the year right after high school, but the year after I tried going, I tried going to school. But the thing is that, I don't know, I had like a running away problem. Like every single time I would go to a school I just like wouldn't finish. Like I wouldn't, I never like finished any school I went to. Like I would, I would just like always have a suitcase right next to my bed and I would just constantly like pack my suitcase and like my suitcase was always packed next to my bed and I would just always go back to my parents house. Sometimes I would like leave for like weeks and I wouldn't Tell people why I left. And people were like, you know, kind of worried. My friends were worried, like, where'd you go? Why'd you leave? And I know I just had this feeling inside of me that, oh, I have to go back. My parents have to go back. I can't survive without them. I can't survive without them. And it was just this thing that kept going in my head. Well, mainly my mom, but I was like, you know, I can't survive without her. I have to go back. I have to go back. And so that was. That was really tough. And so eventually I ended up, like, you know what? Maybe, maybe just like, living on my own at school and dorm is just not ideal. Maybe I just. Maybe I should just go, like, be with a family member, you know, maybe that'll be like, more familiar, safer. So. And at this point when I was like, 19, I started have. I started developing a really good relationship with my dad's sister, my aunt. Like, she lived in different provinces, she lived in Ontario. But I remember there was like one day she came for a visit in the wintertime and we talked and we just really hit it off. And I guess, like, I don't know, I hadn't really. Because since she lived so far, I just. I didn't really had a relationship with her. But we talked and we had a really good bond. And she gave me her number and I would. Whenever I would have, like, issues with my mom, I would call and text her. And that's actually how I found out about the whole thing, about when I was a baby, when my mom had, like, left my dad for three months and had taken full custody of me because my aunt, later on, when I had developed that relationship with her, that's when she told me all of that. So she shared all that story with me and she told me, like, you know, their family was quite upset about. You know, my whole outside family was really upset with mom being mad because they all knew that she's just using him for money. But for some reason, like, he's just. I don't know, he doesn't see it or he's just too brainwashed. I don't. I don't know what it is, but it's really unfortunate. So my aunt, yeah, my aunt was definitely really mad at my mom about it, but. But, you know, I decided like, hey, what if I just ghost at yours for a bit? You know? And my. Cause the flights were cheap during that time. It was like during 2020, during COVID So it's like, yeah, flights Were really cheap. And I was like, you know, I'll just take a flight. And my aunt said, yeah, like, I'd love to have you, and I'd love your dad could come as well. And so I thought, like, you know, I'm going there for. Technically, I was going for a better life because I thought, like, you know, I'm gonna be away from my mom, and at least I'll be with my family. So maybe I won't. I won't want to run away, especially. Cause I'll be, like, on the other side of the country. So basically. So When I was 20, I went to live with my aunt. And so when I went, initially, she was really happy to have me, you know, where she picked me up from the airport, and she brought me a nice coffee. And I was like, oh. She's like, this is for you. And I was like, oh, thank you. And she was really nice, you know. And then she told me that night that we were gonna go grocery shopping, that I could get whatever I wanted from the grocery store and she was gonna buy it for me. And I was like, wow, okay, this is really good. And she had my own room set up for me in the basement. She had, like, a spare room. But as things progressed throughout the week, she just started changing towards me. Like, she had almost started using me as her Cinderella. Like, so. Like, she had two sons. And she would make me, like, clean, like, the whole house when their friends would come over. And I wasn't allowed to partake in there. Like, if they had friends over, like, had bonfire, I was allowed to be part of the bonfire. I just had to clean and make sure that everything was good for their friends before they came. So she would tell me, like, clean the bathroom. Like, clean this, clean that. Remember one day I took a walk outside and I was really happy. And I come home and she starts yelling at me and telling me to clean up. I think what happened was just she. I guess I reminded her a lot of my mom. Just, like. And she couldn't really. Like, I think it was just too much for her, like, having me there and knowing that, like, I'm my mom's daughter and, like, she really hated my mom. Which, I mean, for understandable reasons. Like, I mean, I get it. Like, I don't like her either, but, you know, but she just took it out on me because, you know, she would tell me things like, oh, that's not how you pronounce my name. Like, you've never known how to pronounce my name, but you Never care enough to, like, ask me how to pronounce it properly. And. And also because, like, I would call my mom even though, like, I wouldn't see her in person, because, like, I still had that thing where it's like, you know, it was really hard for me to attach because even though I guess my mom did a lot of bad things to me, it's like, I guess it's still my mom. So it was really hard for me to, you know, like. And because I was still in that cycle where it's like, oh, I want to talk to my abuser. You know, it's like, I just. I was wanting to go back and talk to my mom so I would talk to mom on the phone. But so she's like. She got mad at me, I think, because of that. Because she said, well, it doesn't make sense. You told me that you came here because your mom is doing all this stuff to you there, but why are you still calling her then? Why are you still in contact with her? And so because of that, she eventually kicked me out of her house. So she kicked me out after a week. She literally told me. She's like, you're the byproduct of your mom, therefore you should just be with her, because I think you're better off with her because it's calling her anyways. And she said to me, she said, I'm gonna have my son drive you to the airport because. Because you're my. My brother's daughter, and I love my brother. So that was the only reason why she got her son drive to the airport. And after that, we never had contact again. She wanted nothing to do with me and never wanted me to contact her ever again. She didn't even say bye to me or anything that day. Didn't say anything. And I was like, leaving, bawling my eyes out because I did not expect, like. Because she was like, now at time, the same point. The only family member that I really had, and now I lost, like, the one family member that I thought I had was there for me. And even when I was at her house, like, she did say something that was quite extreme about my mom, which, like, I mean, I don't condone, like, this violence. I don't condone violence. But she said, she's like, you know, I'm surprised because, like, she knew how my mom could, like, make people really mad. She's like, I know your mom has a way of getting. Making people really mad sometimes. And she said, I'm surprised that your dad hasn't beat her by now. And so that was like, yeah, not great. So she definitely wasn't the person I thought she was. Because like, even though, like, I mean, yes, like, I know my mom is not the best person. I would never condone, you know, someone saying like to do harm to a female, you know, it's just not especially. She's a woman herself. Like, I don't know why she would say that, but. So yeah, after that me and my aunt just had no more contact. But I tried reaching out to her a year later because I actually had a job interview in Ontario and I was like, can I just stay at your house? Like you, just for like a night, like just a crash. Like I'm not even gonna like, you know, I just need a place to crash basically. I'm not even gonna like, even though I'll take the couch. I mean I usually have the spare room, but I was like, I'll just take the couch, whatever. And she was like, no, I don't want you contacting me. That was it. Yeah, that was like the last thing I really heard from her was the year after when I asked her if I could just stay at hers for a night just because I was gonna fly out to do a job interview. So yeah, now I don't have any more family. And after I left my aunt's house, I went back to my parents house because at this point I don't think I had a house. Like I hadn't rented any other place. So I was just back at my parents fully. So I just went back to my parents house after that and. But you know, it was still a lot of hell at home. Like it was still always negativity and things like that. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention, I know I keep like going back and forth, but I just keep remembering things. When I was in my grade 12 year, one thing that my mom had said to me, I remember I was like a peer counselor. So it's like kind of like, you know, students like don't feel comfortable like telling like a counselor certain things and they can tell a peer because they might feel more comfortable with that. So I was doing that. And in that training, like we had a training before we could be peer counselors in that training, we had to learn about suicide prevention and all that stuff, right. And so we came home with these pamphlets and my mom happened to see them in my bag and she also had caught a conversation of me actually texting with a friend who actually was suicidal. And but she had misread the conversation and thought it was me, the suicidal person, which, I mean, it's fine, it happens to misread things, but the thing is that she didn't confront me about it until two weeks later. So had she thought I really wanted him to suicide, she wouldn't have said anything because she confronted me two weeks later and came laughing in my room. She's like, oh my gosh, all these pamphlets in your conversation, like, are you, are you really trying to kill yourself? Like, are you really suicidal? Like, go ahead, do it. She literally told me to go kill myself. And yet I was still going back to her house. I don't know why, because I was hoping that she would change. I always hoped that she would change. So I just kept going back and going back despite my mom telling me that. Oh, and also now that I say that too. I remember when I was in grade 11, there was a, there's like a field trip with my leadership class and we were gonna go to this like indoor trampoline park and ask my mom if I could go. And obviously at that time, like she said no, not without my supervision. That was before, like she had signed the papers and stuff and she said no, not without my supervision. And she got so mad that I asked her that when we, she was driving when I asked her. And so as she was driving, she literally ran the red light on purpose and there was a car coming out on my side and she yelled, go ahead, hit me. So it like directly hit me. Yeah, some. Did some pretty psychotic stuff to me, which is why like I really shouldn't have kept talking to her after that. So I understand my aunt's frustration for me continuing to talk to her, but at the same time it's just like, I don't know, it was just really hard for me to become my own person and, and I guess since I hadn't really learned independence, it was just so hard for me to become independent. Especially with like no siblings around me, no family members, you know, like, I just had no one that I was close with except that one aunt who had now kicked me out. And so anyways, going back to my parents house the year after, I think it was just a lot mentally. Like every single day I was getting yelled at, I was getting told things by my mom, like constant just negativity, like if it wasn't like about me being Asian, it was always, it was always something. There was always something. And I was like, this isn't good for my mental health. Like I have to leave. And at this point Like, I was more, I guess, like I was. I really wanted to make this step. And so I decided to. Well, I wanted to like, have sugar daddies at that point because one, I just thought that, like, I just felt like God had kind of. I don't know, I felt like he'd kind of like abandoned me in that moment. I felt like God's timing wasn't quick enough because I was like, you know, I really can't live like this anymore, you know, And I was like, why am I. Why am I always constantly in this position? And so. But I was too scared to like, actually do anything with these men. So that didn't really. So nothing really happened out of that. But then the year later, when I was 22, I ended up getting a job in Vancouver. So then I actually moved to Vancouver. And that's the reason why I moved was because, yeah, I got offered a job, but also because I wanted to, like, finally, like, try to be away from my mom and you know, and obviously, like, since where I'm from it's an island, so there'd be like a body of water separating us. And I thought, you know, if it's for a job, I might have less trouble going back and forth because then, like, at least I'll have something that would ground me. Like, you know, I'll feel like, you know, I'll feel more like. I felt like more responsibility towards a job than to school. So, like, if this is a job, I'll probably stay. And it was still hard, but I did a better. I did a better job at staying because, you know, I had to go to work. And so, yeah, I moved for the job and because I finally my opportunity to leave my mom, but. And so I worked in the airline industry for a year. So I got hired by an airline, but it wasn't. It was only part time and it was minimum wage. I wasn't really making a lot of good money. So I. So the first four months that I moved to Vancouver, I was living by myself there. Like, I had no roommates. I just had my own, Rented my own own place. But after that, you know, I kind of ran out of my fund, the money that I had. And so I basically ended up broke with literally none of that money anymore. And so I couldn't afford living on my own. So I had to then move in with roommates. And basically in the span of that year, it wasn't 2022, it was 2023.
- [110:44]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [110:44]
Shani (Interviewee)
But I was 22 when I moved to Vancouver because I was two months. I was two months shy of being 23. So like two months before my 23rd birthday. Yeah. And yeah, the first four months I lived alone, but then I couldn't afford it. So I ended up having a moving with roommates and I was moving every single month of houses because it was like I was struggling. I was only having to part. I only had a part time job working three days a week on minimum wage. And Vancouver's housing market is quite expensive. It's like probably the most expensive in Canada right now. So it's like I, obviously I'm not, you know, I couldn't afford to actually stay in one place for. So I actually had no stability there either. So I just, I didn't feel like I was. And I was struggling. Like, you know, there was days that I like literally like had like no money for food. Like there is like, there's. I was only like that first year I moved there, I was eating only once a day. Not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't afford eating more than once a day because like I couldn't even make it by barely with my rent because, because I was working three days a week on minimum wage, so I couldn't even afford my rent. So it was like I, yeah, I was only once a day and there was times when I had like only 50, 25 cents in my bank account. Like I went like really bad. And so I would call my mom sometimes I'd be like, hey, like, could you help me out? Give me money? And the only answer she'd always give me was know, like, call your friends, ask your friends for help. So that's when I realized I really don't have family and all I have is my friends. But thankfully my best friend, she really helped me a lot. But I was kind of embarrassed and I didn't always want to ask her for like money, you know, because I felt like, you know, I shouldn't. And so I then, yeah, decided to like sell myself. And then basically like I started doing that and it was really a hit or miss because, you know, some guys were okay, but some guys. One of the guys I met a guy that was really crazy. And like, I don't want to go too much in detail about it, but I almost died. And so I was like, yeah, I probably never gonna do this again. But yeah, I honestly done it because I just, I wanted to survive, I wanted to eat, I want to be able to pay rent because I at this point, like I was starting to live on my own and I was really like away from my parents. I just didn't want to have to go back this point. I was like I will do whatever I can to not go back, you know. But eventually I unfortunately lost my job in January of 2024. So then I was. And it was so hard to find work in Vancouver. Like it's. The job market's in Hussein as well. So I was out of work from like January until March. I got offered a job to be an au pair in Mexico. So I moved to Mexico and I worked there as an au pair for like a month and a half. But I didn't really like Mexico. Like it was just, I don't know, like I had all my friends in Vancouver and I had my life there and, and I just, it was hard to make friends in Mexico. Like it was just, it was just a very different, it was just very different for me. So I was like you know what, I'm just gonna go back home. So I went back to Vancouver even though like I knew I was gonna struggle a lot, which I did. Oh no. When I went back. So I didn't go back to Vancouver cause I left everything in Vancouver before going to Mexico. So I left everything I had there and so I actually go back to my parents house and that and I stayed there for like a month, only a month. And that was a mess. Like my mom was constantly like mentally, emotionally, psychologically abusing me. So I was just like I can't do it. So then I was just selling myself again until I could just make enough money just to be able to afford a place in Vancouver and move right back there. And that's pretty much what I did. But throughout even those like months when I was like constantly moving in that year that I said there was even periods of time when I actually didn't have a house, there were times when I end up homeless. I think I end up homeless four times in the year. Four times in one year or maybe four or five times. Yeah. But like thankfully I never had to sleep on the street cuz I had friends that were nice enough, you know that they would let me in. So I was basically. But I was like couch surfing, you know on different friends couches sometimes when I couldn't find a house. So I never had stability. I never knew I was gonna live the next month. So it was really crazy. And, and then, yeah and then when I, when I left eventually after for my parents house from that one month when I stayed there and I moved back to Vancouver, I was still out of work and I couldn't find work until like this summer. And then I worked at a strip club because that's what I could get, honestly. But I mean, honestly, working at a strip club, it was, I don't know, it wasn't. I mean it was alright. Like the money was good, but it's just like sometimes, you know, like you get drunk men that are just, that are just always the best, you know, so it wasn't necessarily the best experience either but I just was like, I cannot go back to my parents house. Whatever I do, I cannot go back in that situation. So at that point I was really dedicated to leaving. I was like, I will do whatever I can to not have to go back there. So at this point I was like 24. So this was like just last year and I was like, I'm not going to go back. So yeah, I. And then I ended up finding work again in the fall and then I worked for a company and it was nice. I worked hybrids. I worked from home three days a week and two days in office. And yeah. And eventually that was a seasonal contract. So then once my contract ended, well, that was that. And yeah, now basically like I'm just, I'm making music now and you know, obviously like I'm doing podcasts as well and I'm doing modeling as well now. So now I live on my own finally. I've been able to like stop moving every single month and I've been able to like actually have my own place now I have, I have my own two bedroom like basement suite which is great and I love it and I would never want to go back with roommates ever again. But you know, I think, yeah, I think I'm just really happy to be able to like show that like, you know, you can come from a really rough place but you can be okay in the end. And you know, now I'm 25 today and yeah. And I'm just. And now I'm like doing better than ever. I mean, yeah, now I don't need to depend on my mom and I can fully be alone. I don't have to go back, you know, and I could just be at peace where I am. But it did take me a lot of years to be there. And I think that making music is also like helping me too because like right now I'm working on a song that's like about my life story. Yeah. And so it's just like, it's also helping me like process that and just be able to. Yeah. Just process everything. That I went through. But, yeah, I mean, today I'm doing a lot better, and. And I'm happy. And I really thank God that, you know, I didn't die and that nothing too bad happened, that, you know, I'm here now, you know, and I. I'm finally free.
- [118:04]
Interviewer
Yeah. How long has it been since you've talked to your mom and dad?
- [118:08]
Shani (Interviewee)
My dad. I never really had a relationship with him, to be honest. Okay. Like, yeah, ever since that time I told you the video store, everything just ended. But I actually had seen him at a mall, like, a few months ago, and when I saw him, I actually wanted to say hi to him, and he looked at me and I looked at him, and he, like, actually just looked away immediately to pretend like he didn't know me. Like, kind of, like just wanting to, like, not have eye contact, be, like. I don't know, maybe he just felt weird. So I went up to him and I was like, hi. And that was kind of awkward.
- [118:42]
Interviewer
And then your mom. How long has it been?
- [118:45]
Shani (Interviewee)
Well, I still talk to her every now and again just because, like. But I don't see her. I don't go, like, actually to her house and, like, spend. No, because I'm over that.
- [118:55]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [118:55]
Shani (Interviewee)
Like, I'm like, that's not happening anymore. I feel like, at least, like, I know I shouldn't really be doing phone calls with her either, but, like, at least now I'm, like, I have control over, like, if I don't like something she says and I can just hang up the phone.
- [119:07]
Interviewer
Yeah, you can set boundaries.
- [119:08]
Shani (Interviewee)
Exactly. I could. I. So it's like, now I have more control over it, whereas, like, if I'm in the house there, then I have no control over what. What happens. Right. But now, at least if it's on the phone, then. But eventually I'm trying to also work to the point where I can fully just cut it off. Yeah. Not even have phone calls anymore. But, yeah. Yeah, at least I'm doing a lot better now.
- [119:30]
Interviewer
Yeah. No, and, you know, I. I always tell people, you have to give yourself a load of credit for being able to tell your story and share, like, the dark times and then where you are now. And obviously, every. Everybody's life has ups and downs and. Yeah, it takes a pro. It's a process. You know, it takes time. And I think that it's something like you said, whenever you and your heart and your gut feel like, okay, I'm ready to fully cut this contact. That's your choice. You know, it's like, I think that you can live a life knowing that. Okay, yeah, maybe, like, my mom doesn't deserve to have me in her life, but if there's something that is drawing you back or making you hold on, like, I'm a big believer and do what you feel. So it's like, if you're feeling like that today and not tomorrow, you make those decisions day to day, you know? But no, I just. I think that it really does seem like you're doing amazing, and I'm very happy for you. And it seems like you're really doing things that you love.
- [120:31]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah.
- [120:32]
Interviewer
Which is really important. And I think it's amazing and important to find therapy in things that aren't just like a talking therapy, you know, like the music and things like that. That's really amazing. And I would love for you to send me, like, links or anything that you want so I can for sure link it and people can listen and follow along.
- [120:49]
Shani (Interviewee)
Of course. Thank you.
- [120:50]
Interviewer
Of course, of course. But no, I think you did an amazing job, really. There's many important aspects, you know, of your story, like you said. I think the. The women's shelter thing, I had no idea about that, you know, and that is very important.
- [121:03]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah, that's something I really wanted to emphasize. This one really wanted to bring up, because if any other girl is in that situation, I would hate for them to be turned away. Like, I was turned away.
- [121:12]
Interviewer
Right. Because abuse is abuse.
- [121:14]
Shani (Interviewee)
Abuse is abuse, no matter if it's from your parents or if it's from a partner like that.
- [121:18]
Interviewer
Those places are supposed to be there to help. So it's like, it shouldn't matter what kind of type is or, like, where it's coming from. So. No, I definitely agree that that's important to talk about and something should be done in regards to that, for sure.
- [121:30]
Shani (Interviewee)
Something needs to change. Yeah.
- [121:32]
Interviewer
Yeah. That's crazy. I had no idea about that. But, no, I. Thank you so much for wanting to open up and share your story on here. It means a lot to me. And, you know, I always tell people. You know, I feel like I say it to everybody, but it is true. It's like there's so many people that can relate to different parts of your story, you know, not everybody, of course, course, is going to have the same overall story as you, but there's always bits and pieces of, like, someone's story that somebody's gonna be like, I get that, you know, or I felt that way before, or I went through that similar experience.
- [122:04]
Shani (Interviewee)
Yeah.
- [122:05]
Interviewer
So that's why I always say there's no story too big or too small. And you did an amazing job. Really.
- [122:10]
Shani (Interviewee)
Thank you.
- [122:10]
Interviewer
Of course.
- [122:13]
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- [122:29]
Shani (Interviewee)
Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us?
- [122:32]
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- [122:36]
Interviewer
Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.
- [122:38]
Commercial Announcer
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