We're All Insane – "My Mom Held Me Hostage"
Date: October 20, 2025
Guest: Shani
Host: Unknown Author
Theme: Survivorship, parental abuse, the failures of support systems, and the long journey to independence
Main Purpose and Theme
This episode features Shani, who recounts her harrowing experience growing up under the control of her mother. What initially appeared to be a privileged, carefree childhood was, in reality, a regime of psychological, emotional, and—eventually—physical imprisonment. Shani’s story details the subtle nature of familial abuse, the inability of institutions to intervene, and her eventual struggle to build a life as an independent adult while healing and searching for community and self-worth.
Key Points and Discussion Breakdown
1. Illusion of a "Good" Childhood
- Upbringing in Victoria, BC, biracial family (Vietnamese father, Canadian mother)
- Received everything materially; no chores, bedtime, or responsibilities
- Seen as "lucky" by peers, but this dependency was a strategy for control
- Not allowed to participate in activities/friends' homes, unable to be alone or with peers unsupervised
- Early signs: Social isolation, parental overbearance
“To be honest, I thought I had it better than other kids because, you know, I never did chores. I never had to like, yeah, I never had to do chores... But I didn't realize that all of this...was actually like not a good thing because it was actually like a manipulation tactic...” (Shani, 00:57)
2. Escalating Control and Social Isolation
- Not allowed to walk home, be outside alone, or even be home alone—even in high school
- Friends' parents avoided her family—Shani felt ostracized
- Mother cited medical excuses (“You were sick as a kid…playing sports could be dangerous”) and later “special needs” (which was untrue) for the extreme restrictions
- Shani developed OCD and complex PTSD as an adult, further complicating perceptions
3. Severed Relationship with Father
- Mother planted false ideas about father being a pedophile, sowing fear and distrust (from age 4-5; after “video store” incident, relationship ended)
- Tells recount of mother moving her as an infant to Quebec, manipulating legal proceedings (sending court documents in French so father couldn’t respond), ensuring sole custody and financial leverage
- Father depicted as passive, working multiple jobs, sidelined from Shani’s upbringing
“She literally would tell me, your dad's a pedophile. So I would almost be afraid of him. She wanted me to be afraid of my dad in my own home.” (Shani, 08:04)
4. Attempts to Seek Help — and Institutional Failures
- School counselor’s empathy, but inaction: School counselor compared her situation to "serving a life sentence for a crime she didn't commit" but never reported it (15:10)
- Social services: Initial reports went to mother; investigator bought mother's “special needs” narrative, never contacted Shani directly (18:39, 39:00)
- Repeated calls to hotlines and social services: Most would only intervene if child was actively suicidal
- Locked in her room: After being found out for seeking help, mother physically imprisoned Shani in her room for the majority of a summer—monitored showers and bathroom use (33:03)
- Police involvement came only after the mother admitted to her controlling behaviors in front of social workers (58:32)
“She was. She did not let me out of my room. … If I wanted to go to the bathroom, I'd have to knock on the door. And then I would have her or my aunt… follow me in the bathroom… even as I showered, as I peed...to make sure I wasn’t running away or calling helplines for help.” (Shani, 33:14)
5. The Turning Point and Court-Ordered Freedom
- Social Services finally act after third intervention, witnessing mother’s admission of obsessive surveillance
- Shani is offered emancipation or foster care; refuses due to her lack of basic life skills and fear of unknown (62:49)
- Instead, a written agreement is established: mother cannot isolate or monitor her, must allow her phone, can’t disconnect house lines. Disregarded until a court order is obtained after further violations.
- School issues restraining order after mother is discovered staking out in the parking lot daily (75:46)
- Extreme lack of life skills due to mother's control: Shani didn’t know how to tie shoes, do laundry, or cook at age 17.
6. Continued Abuse, Escalation, and Racism
- After legal intervention, abuse turns more verbal and racist:
- Mother begins frequent racist tirades about Shani’s Vietnamese heritage and her father (82:16)
- Daily negative commentary targeting any friends of color
- Instilled fear tactics: mother would print/read news stories about girls being assaulted to deter Shani from ever wanting to go outside
- Extreme emotional manipulation, including threatening suicide (94:13) and telling Shani to kill herself (98:41)
- Attempted to kill the both of them by running a red light, shouting “Go ahead, hit me!” (98:41)
“She would print out news stories of girls getting raped and getting killed...She would read these to me every day and be like, see, this is what happens when you go outside without your parents supervision.” (Shani, 83:10)
7. Adult Years: Struggle for Independence and Homelessness
- Attempts to leave, but cycles back due to trauma-bonding and lack of skills—"like Einstein’s definition of insanity" (91:35)
- Relies on funds, friends, and at times, sex work and strip club work to survive
- Failed by women’s shelters: turned away because her abuse was not from an intimate partner but family (94:01)
- Extended periods of couch surfing, instability, and starvation while working multiple low-wage jobs in Vancouver and brief stay as an au pair in Mexico (110:44)
“I think that it’s very upsetting that women’s shelters only, like, only accept women that have been abused by partners.” (Shani, 94:01)
8. Recovery, Faith, and Finding Community
- Turning to prayer and faith in God as survival mechanism during darkest times (48:41)
- Found solace and motivation through church and music—"making music is also helping me process" (115:00)
- Finally secures stable housing, lives independently, builds a creative and meaningful life despite deep scars
- Sets boundaries: still maintains minimal phone contact with mother, but is actively working toward cutting ties completely (118:45)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
Childhood Realization
“I was really living a life sentence for a crime I never committed. Like, I was literally stuck in my home. Like, I was imprisoned, you know, by my mom.”
— Shani (30:58)
On Institutional Failure
“If a child is telling you they’re going through something… you should be calling social services… until I say I want to harm myself or somebody else, nobody can intervene… Like, they should have some sort of protocol.”
— Shani (37:15)
On Lack of Basic Skills at 17
“She would even let me make my own bed… she wouldn’t let me touch my own stuff. As a child…I thought…my mom's so cool. But it was really just to make me dependent.”
— Shani (46:15)
Legal/School Intervention
“My vice principal pulls me in…says, ‘I don’t know if you’re aware, but your mom is here half the day…’ School had to put a restraining order on my mom.”
— Shani (75:46)
On Trauma Bonds
“It took me many years to realize, I don’t need my mom. But I always felt like when I was living alone, I needed her…my therapist said people who tend to have, go through abuse, tend to want to go back to their abuser.”
— Shani (91:35)
Systemic Issues in Support
"It’s very upsetting that women’s shelters only accept women that have been abused by partners… they refused me, so I couldn’t even go to a woman’s shelter…something needs to change."
— Shani (94:01)
Important Timestamps
- 00:57–03:10: Shani describes childhood and the manipulation of freedom and dependency
- 08:04–12:12: Relationship with father and mother’s abusive accusations
- 15:10–18:39: Failed attempt to get help from counselor and social services
- 33:03–36:56: Actual physical imprisonment: locked in room, supervised in bathroom
- 39:19–43:25: First call to social services, being blamed as "ungrateful"
- 45:09–47:07: Clean house ≠ non-abusive; social workers’ misconceptions
- 58:32–62:49: Turning point—mother’s breakdown in front of social worker; emancipation decision
- 75:46: School enforces restraining order against mother
- 82:16–84:47: Racism, fear, and additional manipulation tactics
- 91:35–95:07: Cycle of returning to parents' home; seeking a women’s shelter
- 110:44–115:00: Homelessness, work survival, stability, and creative recovery
- 118:08–119:30: Current status—contact with parents, boundaries, future hopes
Takeaways & Reflections
1. Familial abuse is not always visible:
Shani’s story highlights the danger of assuming a “nice home” or apparent financial stability rules out emotional or psychological abuse.
2. Institutions frequently fail children in need:
Repeated inaction from counselors, hotlines, and social services enabled the abuse to escalate to extreme levels.
3. Systemic Gaps:
Women’s shelters, social workers’ training, and legal systems often exclude those suffering from non-partner/family member abuse.
4. Cycle of trauma-bonding:
The psychological pull to return to familial abusers is powerful and impedes recovery for years.
5. Recovery is possible—eventually:
Independence, faith, creative expression, and supportive friends provided steps toward healing, but recovery in such cases is long, nonlinear, and full of setbacks.
Closing Thoughts
Shani’s testimony is a sobering reminder of the insidiousness of emotional and psychological abuse and the ways that power can be misused within families. It emphasizes the desperate need for institutional reform and wider access to resources for all survivors—not just those in partner violence situations. Her hard-won autonomy is a testament to resilience, faith, and the crucial lifelines of community and creativity.
“Now I live on my own finally… I’m 25 today and I'm just… doing better than ever. Now I don't need to depend on my mom and I can fully be alone. I don't have to go back, and I could just be at peace where I am."
— Shani (115:00)