Podcast Summary: We're All Insane

Episode: My Mom Was My First Bully
Date: December 1, 2025
Guest: Kelly (24, North Carolina)
Host: Dev

Episode Overview

In this raw and deeply personal episode, Kelly shares her powerful story of growing up in a household marked by extreme discipline, emotional and physical abuse, and the complex, conflicted love she feels for her mother—a woman she describes as her “first bully.” Kelly’s narrative traces her journey from childhood through early adulthood, detailing the lasting effects of her upbringing, her experiences coming out, the complicated dynamic with her parents (especially her mother), and her ongoing journey toward healing and self-acceptance. For listeners navigating familial trauma, complicated parent-child relationships, or LGBTQ+ struggles, this episode offers both hard truths and rare, heartfelt vulnerability.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Background & Early Childhood

• Military Household: Kelly’s parents are both military (father: Army 25 years; mother: ~8 years). Mother is Haitian, father is Mexican. Grew up primarily with her mother due to her father’s frequent deployments.
• Strict, Militant Upbringing: Kelly describes an atmosphere of rigid discipline and respect ("yes ma'am/no ma'am"). Even saying "yeah" was considered highly disrespectful.
  • Memorable quote: “If you say ‘yeah,’ you might as well be saying, ‘yeah, bitch.’” — Kelly recalling her mother’s reframing of casual language. (01:31)
• Punishments and Isolation: Most infractions, such as talking too much at school or minor lies, led to extreme punishments – primarily from her mother, often behind closed doors.

2. Abuse and Extreme Discipline

• Physical Punishment:
  • Spankings in the mother’s closet, sometimes to loud music (e.g., Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up”), possibly to muffle Kelly’s screams. (03:14 – 05:25)
  • “She would put on the music… and she would like spank me the entire time… screaming and like hoping that, like, honestly, I was thinking, like, how do neighbors not hear me screaming?” — Kelly (03:12)
• Other Forms of Discipline:
  • Forced to write thousands of sentences all summer (“I will not lie to my parents”); forced to stand in a corner; extended restriction from social interactions. (05:28)
• Inequity:
  • Sibling with autism did not receive similar punishments (“as I’m older now… no one deserves that”), but as a child, this unequal treatment only deepened her sense of inadequacy and confusion. (08:57 – 09:24)

3. Childhood Trauma Compounded by External Events

• Early experience of sexual coercion by a classmate:
  • Kelly describes being threatened by another child and later being physically punished at home after the incident was disclosed, including being beaten with a belt, even on private areas.
  • “I don’t feel like I should be punished for this.” (13:58)
  • Host Dev: “That’s when you should be concerned and talking to your child about what’s going on, not punishing them…” (14:23)
• School System and Parenting Failures:
  • Teacher failed to investigate the situation; mother’s response lacked compassion; Kelly notes the lack of adult support throughout these incidents.

4. Suppression of Identity & Punishment for Authenticity

• Suppression of Gender Expression:

  • Mother strictly enforced femininity (dresses, long hair, no “boy” toys or books, removal of action figures and vehicle books, etc.).
  • “You couldn’t have anything that you like… (she was) controlling your personality.” (24:50 – 25:00)
  • Kelly describes being made to feel like a “doll.” (22:23)

• Attempts to Instill “Proper Behavior”:

  • Forced to perform domestic chores to excess, maintain extremes of order and cleanliness, iron her clothes weekly for inspection, redo tasks for minor imperfections. (17:35 – 18:59)
  • Loss of freedom to choose activities; being enrolled in cheerleading against her will when she wanted to play basketball instead.

5. Adolescence, Sexuality, and Escalating Control

• School Years:

  • Temporary reduction in physical punishments during middle school, but emotional control and supervision increased.
  • Mother involved teachers in discipline; public shaming and threats extended into school life.
  • First major punishment in adolescence: For stealing Pop Tarts, forced to eat an entire box while being beaten. (33:29 – 35:08)

• Coming Out & Repercussions:

  • Kelly kept her sexuality secret due to fear: “Literally feared for my safety.” (42:35)
  • When outed at 17, faced rejection: slept on the floor for months, barred from sports, restricted from college, phone taken, forced to walk long distances to school, isolated, even threatened with banishment from graduation.
  • “From pretty much... a day or two after that until March 2019, I slept on, like, the dining room floor every night.” (44:25)
  • “I was afraid of your guys’s reaction. And they’re like, ‘how did you expect us to react?’” (42:18 – 42:35)

6. Attempts at Independence and Recurring Parental Hostility

• College Years:

  • Gradual restoration of some privileges as she got a job and prepared for college.
  • Ongoing control—parents withheld financial and emotional support, then weaponized it (withholding the car, refusing rent support, resisting her need for independence).
  • “She wouldn’t let me sleep on the bed… I slept on, like, the dining room floor.” (44:25)
  • “We are not going to your wedding. I don’t… think I’m ever going to accept it.” (Mother’s quote to Kelly as an adult) (79:44)

• Dad’s Passive Role:

  • Father at times appeared supportive privately, but publicly deferred to wife’s authority – “I’m not going to ruin my marriage for you.”

7. Recent Family Conflict & Emotional Fallout

• Summer of Turmoil (2025):

  • Communication breakdowns: blocked calls, threats to take away her car, increased restrictions on seeing her younger siblings.
  • Hostility escalates to outright statements:
    • “If you think your mom is evil, wait till you see what I can do.” — Kelly’s dad (110:21)

• Ongoing Struggle to Maintain Relationships:

  • Kelly feels forced to choose between her own mental health and staying in touch with siblings.
  • Continues to navigate anger, disappointment, and the lack of closure.

8. Healing, Reflection, and Looking Forward

• Therapy, Psychedelics, and Self-Insight:

  • Began therapy, confronting reality of her trauma: “Name a good memory you’ve had with your mom... I can’t think of one.” (72:27)
  • Profound moment during a psychedelic experience: “giving birth to my pain” — emotional catharsis and temporary peace. (101:17)
  • Efforts to explain to her mother and invite her into healing have been met with avoidance or emotional shutdown.

• Lasting Impact:

  • “It feels like you’re just punishing me for who I am as a person.” (127:20)
  • Kelly repeatedly wrestles with loving her parents and the need for boundaries.
  • Fears being permanently barred from siblings or losing the potential for healthy reconciliation.
  • Struggling with depression but striving to “lock in” on her own happiness and future.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Contradiction:
  • “My parents feel like bullies. It’s like bullying, and oh, it’s horrible.” (134:18)
• Message for Other Parents:
  • "If you can't love your child through anything, or especially their sexuality, don't have one." (133:47)
• Host’s Empathy:
  • “You should never have to change or adapt to make them happy... Just because they brought you into this world does not mean you live a life serving them.” (87:50 – 88:21)
• On Black Homophobia:
  • “Black people specifically being homophobic is really—I hate it… We’ve already been discriminated against, horribly treated bad... And then you’re just doing it again… as a people, we’re supposed to know what this feels like.” (135:00 – 136:07)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Kelly’s Family Background & Discipline Style: (01:31 – 03:12)
• Description of Physical Punishment in Closet: (03:14 – 05:25)
• First Significant Punishment (Sexual abuse incident as a child): (12:23 – 14:23)
• Suppression of Identity & Gender Policing: (22:23 – 25:00)
• Eighth Grade 'Pop Tart' Punishment: (33:29 – 35:08)
• Coming Out, Rejection, and Floor Sleeping: (42:18 – 44:25)
• Isolation & Restriction from Friends: (51:54 – 54:00)
• Attempts to Rebuild Post-College Relationship: (77:07 – 79:11)
• Mother Refusing to Attend Kelly’s Possible Future Wedding: (79:44)
• Breakdown with Father over Car and Boundaries: (110:21 – 115:14)
• Recent Explosive Family Confrontation: (119:08 – 124:11)
• Host’s Closing Empathy & Empowerment: (139:08 – 140:44)

Tone and Takeaways

• Tone: Kelly’s story is heartwrenching, deeply honest, and unfiltered. There’s a haunting mix of grief, humor, reflection, and hope. The conversation is direct, empathetic, and never sensationalizes the pain.
• Takeaway: For those currently enduring familial abuse, especially rooted in identity or sexuality, Kelly’s journey affirms that the scars are real, the struggle for self is a lifelong process, and that healing—while messy and nonlinear—is possible. Her closing insight: “If they don’t want to be a part of it, then it’s on them. It really is their loss.” (140:44)

For Listeners

If you relate to Kelly’s story, know that you are not alone. Seeking support—whether through friends, therapy, or chosen family—can be a crucial part of your journey. The podcast’s mission is to offer solidarity, a safe space for truth, and stories that break cycles of silence.

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