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- [00:00]
A
Well, my name is Megan. I'm from Texas, and I am coming today to talk about my experiences with postpartum depression and how it being left untreated kind of led into pretty severe postpartum psychosis. Just a few disclaimers. I. My ex husband and I, we weren't married at the time, but we did get married in the mix. And so I'm just going to refer to him as my ex husband. But we're still. We're really good. We're in a amazing place. My daughter's at his house right now. We're awesome. We talk every day. So I don't want to focus on his side of the story more. So it's mostly mine because he did have a lot of influence on kind of why, and we have discussed this on why I started to have these symptoms and things. And so. But we're in a really good place right now. So I don't want to speak negatively on him, his children, my child. Everyone could see this. Ten years from now. It's on the Internet. And I don't want them to think anything bad of him or anything. He's an amazing, amazing man. So a little bit about postpartum depression. Because I was doing some research. I kept my. I kept this secret for years and years and years. I actually just told my ex husband about it two days ago for the first time. Yes. Wow. And he was floored. He had no idea that these things are the things that I was going through whenever we were together. Because this is very taboo. It's very scary. It's very isolating. I did not have anyone to talk to. I was so scared. I didn't want my life to implode because of all of this stuff I was going through. So I just recently started doing a lot of research. My new boyfriend and I are trying to have a child. And so I started to think, like, what if I do this again? Maybe I need to, like, be more open. I need to talk about this. I need to tell people. And so I started doing some research and like, 10 to 20% of women actually experience postpartum depression. It's like one in eight. And most women usually will experience a little baby blues. Just the rush of hormones is totally normal. But the postpartum psychosis is a very. It's much more rare. The mothers who go on to. I think it's called infant side, where they kill their children. But there's a famous case in Boston, and then Andrea V8 is from Texas, which is where I'm from. And she did kill her children. And so it can turn into something very, very severe. And when I was going through this, I did not ever think that that would be me. That would never be me.
- [02:58]
B
So quick question. Does, is it postpartum depression that leads to the psychosis or can it just jump to it?
- [03:05]
A
I'm not really sure because I. I'm assuming that it is, but that's just me assuming on my experience. Okay. I never went back to my OB and discussed any of these things with her. I just went to a regular doctor and they just gave me some medications. But I must. I feel like if postpartum depression is left untreated, I do think it can progress. I don't think that you give birth and immediately are psychotic or anything like that. I think that just you lack of sleep, the crying, the emotions over time, I think it can lead to pretty severe psychosis. So starting my story. I feel like the way I grew up had a pretty good influence on how I led my life as a young adult. I was very sheltered growing up. I was raised in a Christian household and we went to church all the time. My dad's actually a pastor. He drives a truck, but he also is an ordained pastor and we went to church all the time. Very, very sheltered, very religious family, which is completely fine. I do not regret my upbringing at all. However, in my teenage years, my friends and I, we all did like a true love waits course, which is where you vow to save yourself until you find the person that you're going to marry and that's who you're going to be with and that's who you have your family with and that's that. So I did all of that. I had a little pendant I wore. I still have that little pe it and it had true love weights on it with the little wedding rings. I wore it all the time. And so I feel like when I met my ex husband, there were very obvious red flags that I should have been like, oh, nope, not for me. But I was like, no, this is the man I'm going to be with. I'm going to marry him. I love him. True love waits. I was here for it. And so little bit on how I met him. I got a job at our local hospital in my town. I started out in housekeeping and then I got my CNA license. And while I was working as a cna, I met my very best friend at the time and she was a nurse on the floor that we worked. And she had gone through this program where you get Your nursing school paid for free if you agreed to work for this hospital. And I had already worked here for several years. And so I applied for that scholarship and got that scholarship. I got into nursing school and I was going to start the next summer. And so we were just having fun that fall and spring. And her, she introduced me to her little brother and she hated him so. Well, she didn't hate him obviously, but they didn't really have a good relationship. And she told me, this is a bad idea, don't do it, Megan. This is a bad idea. But I met him and we didn't really hit it off at first, but. But he was. Now that I look back, he is very love bombing. And this was the love of my life. I. This was my man. And so we moved in together. We just started, we just were together. We met in July of 2015 and we got engaged. December of 2015, got our first house. February of 2016, and I started nursing school that summer. So we had a little bit of time where we were just ourselves. But most of the. Our whole relationship, I was in nursing school. I didn't know how we didn't. We couldn't be together because I was in nursing school. Like we were always. Yeah, that was what it revolved around. But that was okay because we made it work. He actually had four children from other relationships and marriages, which I didn't think that was a problem. I'm telling you, there's going to be lots of red flags that you're going to be like, girl, girl. Yeah, but I just didn't notice any of these things. So he had four other children and we actually got custody of his two oldest and they lived with us full time. And the. His children were my babies, my little babies. When I first met him, I believe they were four, five or six. And one of them was two, just turned three, had just turned three that summer. So they were little babies and. And they were my babies and I love them. I did not have a very good relationship with the two oldest's mother. We got custody of them and she wasn't really in the picture of a lot and. But his third child, we had an amazing relationship. She was my best, one of my best friends and then he had a fourth one. But she didn't really come around a lot. Her mother had gotten remarried and so they had their separate life and so we didn't see her a whole bunch. But I decided I was telling my mom, backtrack a little bit. I was telling my mom one day I was like, mom, I was like, I want to cook him dinner. Like, I want to do his laundry. I want to. I don't know, I just want to take care of him. And she was like, I think you're in love. And I was like, no, Mom, I'm just a little girl. Like, I'm not in love. And she was like, no, that's love. Like, I think that's love. And so I got to thinking about it, and I was like, yeah, I. I love this man. So I decided that I was going to go get on birth control because he had so many children, so I didn't want to have a child in nursing school. We were set for a little while. So I start. I got the. His sister and I went to the doctor and I got the depo shot. And I start. And I only am talking about the birth control because postpartum depression can be caused from horm and a hormone imbalance. And so I do think that mine was that a little bit because birth control affected me so bad. And I tried quite a few things, but I tried the depo shot first. I wanted to quit my job. I was just emotional, just normal. I said it was stress. But then I decided to try the pill because it'd be a little bit easier, it was a little bit cheaper. And so I got on the pill. And I did take the pill for several months, six or seven months. However, whenever I started nursing school, at the job where I worked, in order to do their scholarship program for nursing school, you couldn't be full time. You had to be prn, which is just as needed. So when you leave full time and go prn, you do lose your medical insurance. So I decided to get the next plan on because it would last the whole time through nursing school. I'd never have to go back to the doctor. So I did get that placed. And I was just emotional, just more angry. And so I just. I'm affected by hormones pretty easily, I suppose. So my. I didn't have insurance at the time, so my friend actually cut it out of my arm herself.
- [10:27]
B
Stop.
- [10:29]
A
We did. And we were on her. I was laying on her kitchen table, and we kind of put a bag of frozen peaches on it, and we, like, cut my arm open and popped it out like a pimple. It just came right out. I was so stuck on this. I can't imagine. Were you scared? I was pretty scared. And she wouldn't even allow me to, like, have a little bit of a drink. Did it hurt? Not really, because we did numb it A little bit, but it hurt afterwards. And we had numbed it so severely that I, like, had like freezer burn or like burns on my arm. Oh, my God. But I did do that because I was crazy. I was just like, we've gotta get it out.
- [11:08]
B
Oh, my God.
- [11:09]
A
Okay. So we ended up cutting that out. That was in November of 2016. Yes. And went on about our lives. No big deal. My ex husband and I just started using more precautions and that was that. But pretty soon all of those red flags really started to come to the front. Lot of fighting, very. It was just a very toxic relationship. I would leave and go to my mom's for the weekend. After, we'd fight and then I'd come back. We got in some pretty horrible fights. Just fighting all the time. A lot of cheating. He cheated a lot. Well, I say a lot very dramatically, but I mean, it could have just been a couple of times. But in my mind, cheating one time, that hurts my feelings. But. But I ended up finding out that I had a couple of STDs, which I went and got those taken care of. In my mind, though, that was it. My life was over. Because I saved myself for this man. And he doesn't love me like I love him because he's doing this to me. And so my life was over. I started looking back on symptoms that I had had months prior, and I'm like, you know what? I've probably had this for a little while. And so I just assumed, I can't have children. I'm no longer able to have kids. My life is over, it's ruined. And so I started drinking a lot. And we stopped being very careful. I just didn't really care anymore. We were. I was still in nursing school. I maybe had a month or so left of my LV in year, but I was just drinking every night. I didn't care. I didn't care what he did. I didn't care about anything. I was so, so upset, which I took him back. So sleep in the bed that you made or whatever. And so that's what I was doing. But ended up getting pregnant, of course, because that's what happened. But I found out whenever I went to. I was taking my LV and nclex the. The test of all tests. I'm gonna get my license. And I was like, my boobs are so sore. So I like, class my bra and like slid it. And I was lean my exam. I was so stressed out and I was a little nauseated, but I was like, whoa, I'm so stressed. Well, we ended up getting home and it had been about a week or so. I hadn't started my period and so I was like, let me take a test just in case. Cuz I was going to drink that night because I had just passed my nursing exam. I was excited and I was pregnant and I was really bummed. I was I. Which I love my child, my child is my whole life. But in that moment I was very, very upset just because that was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to go get my nursing license and then I wanted to have children. And we were not in a good place financially. Yeah, I was going to say too.
- [14:19]
B
Even emotionally, like yes, you're probably just disconnected.
- [14:22]
A
We were not in a good place at all. But in a lot of causes of postpartum depression also are low socioeconomic classes, poor financial, things like that, stressful environments, hormones, all of it plays into one. And I just had the perfect storm. Yeah, I went and I sat on my front porch and I smoked a cigarette because I did used to smoke. I don't anymore. But I smoked a cigarette and I was holding my little pregnancy test and I was just like, well, I guess life is, it's over, it's all gone. It's fine. It is what it is. And I told him that I was going to go tell my mom and I just figured she'd be upset, that she'd be annoyed. She has four children and none of us had ever been in a serious relationship and mine was so rocky. I was always going home to my parents house and and stay in for the weekend because me and baby daddy are hollering at each other again. And so I was really scared to tell my mom. However, whenever I got there and I showed her the pregnancy test, she was ecstatic. Just oh my goodness, this is amazing. This is so much fun. And my little sister was actually cute because she thought it was a USB drive. Oh my gosh. Yeah. What is that? USB girl, I'm pregnant. We were all just so excited. Yeah, very excited.
- [15:51]
B
I'm sure that made you feel better too.
- [15:52]
A
Yes, it immediately alleviated a lot of my fears. And then I called his sister, my ex husband's sister, who she was my friend at the time and because she had had a baby in lvn year and RN year and so I knew that she would understand. And of course she was like, you know what? This isn't what was planned. She's like, it just makes it harder. But you can do this. If anyone can do this, you can do this, you've got this, like, it's not that big of a deal. You have a baby. It's not that big of a deal. So I accepted my pregnancy. I was totally cool with it. And then like the next morning I was like, oh my gosh, I'm pregnant. Like, it just switched. I was so excited. And I was discussing with my ex husband the other day about my pregnancy because in my mind, we were perfect. Everything was perfect. I was so happy. We ended up moving into a bigger home. It was right next door. We actually lived in a trailer park, which I don't know if they have trailer parks here. We do, but. Okay. We lived in a trailer park and his ex, who was his third child's mother, lived next door to us in the trailer park. And so we ended up getting to move into the bigger trailer on the other side of ours. And so we were like, upgrade. This is so good. And so I was so happy when prior I didn't really like the trailer park. It wasn't a good environment, but we were happy. We had a good house, little trailer. And I had an amazing pregnancy. It was perfect. I had a little bit of leg swelling and I got gigantic. I gained a hundred pounds. Wow. I got very big. But I was eating everything under the sun. I had normal morning sickness for like the first eight or nine weeks. And then I was perfect. I was eating everything under the sun. I was working a full time job. I was in RN school. We had three children. Yeah. And I was just super mom. I was on top of the world. So whenever I went into labor. Well, funny story actually, because I did not stop going to nursing school at all. I didn't miss one single day. I went every single day, went to all of my appointments, everything. I actually, my due date was February 5th, which was a Monday. I went through. We had RNA fall spring and summer. And so I did the entirety of RN fall 2017. My due date was February 5th of 2018. And we went back to school after Christmas break on like January 18th. And I knew I just had a couple of weeks left. And so I asked if I could do my clinicals, which is where you go in a hospital setting and work in a hospital. I asked if I could do my clinicals in my hometown at the hospital where I worked, because previously they wouldn't let me. Because you could accidentally do something that a student shouldn't do because you work there already. And I had been working there as an LVN already. And so they previously did not allow me to go and do my clinicals there. However, I was due any day now. And so I asked if I could do my clinicals in that hometown hospital and they let me. And we always had clinicals on Mondays and Tuesdays and my due date was that Monday. And I was absolutely miserable. But we were up there at clinicals. We're trucking along.
- [19:26]
B
They're like 12 hours, right?
- [19:28]
A
Yes. Well, they're like, you have to get there about six and you in the morning and you can go. We usually would go home about four.
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B
Okay.
- [19:36]
A
In the afternoon. So you didn't have to do the whole 12 hour shift. And thank goodness we had a very easy clinical instructor that year. So she would let us sit back there and do our paperwork. And I milked every bit of that. I was so. And my scrubs were so tight. And so it made me have Braxton Hicks all day. It was just miserable. But I loved being pregnant. I loved it. I loved the attention. People let you pick what to eat. I love when people rub your belly. Some girls don't love that, but I'm like, do you want to touch my belly? I loved it so much. But I ended up going home that night and I went. I was like, surely I'll go into labor. It's my due date. But I didn't. So I had to go back to school the next day. We were doing clinicals again. Was having pretty severe Braxton Hicks. Like, they just hurt a little bit worse. And so I ended up going down to triage down in on the first floor. Everything checked out. It was fine. It showed that I was having some contractions, but they weren't anything. I forget what it's called, but it was just practice for labor. But I. I didn't have an appointment until that Friday. And so I called my OB that Tuesday and asked if I could move up my appointment because I was just uncomfortable. I just felt horrible. I just wanted to see if I was dilated at all or anything. And I was hoping to get induced maybe that next Sunday night. Because my. You can get induced. You can get induced a little early, but they will automatically induce you. Once you're kind of like a week past your due date, then they'll automatically. So I was hoping I could get induced at some point. Well, we ended up going to the doctor that Wednesday. Me, my little sister and my mother, and she did a membrane sweep, which is where they kind of. I think they. They take. They like remove the placenta off of like the walls of the cervix a little bit. Just to get it started just a little bit. And it was horrible. It was so excruciating. But I remember sitting up on the bed, and she was like, do y' all want. Are y' all ready to have a baby? And I was like, yes. Like, whoa, Yes, I am. And she was like, well, what about tonight? And my mom was like, oh, my goodness, yes. We're so excited. My mom was amazing. She came to every appointment. So I was like, well, I don't have anything ready. I had my bag packed. But I still. We had three kids, so I was like, I need to grocery shop. I want to do a little bit of laundry. I want to shave, because I work in this hospital, so I need to be prim and proper. And so we got up to leave, and me and my little sister ended up going together, and my mom went home to rest. So I left there in labor. I sat up from the table, and I. I was having contractions immediately. I was definitely ready to go. So we went to the grocery store, and we shopped for probably two hours. And I was contracting the whole time, and we had a little tracker on my phone, and we'd hit start, and I would just kind of sit and lean on the buggy, and. And I'd be like, okay, it's good. And we would shop because we gotta fill this house with groceries. I don't. We need to be able to take care of everything. I don't want to have to go to the store later. And so we shopped for around two hours. And I remember it was funny. We were in the checkout line, and this older man was like, oh, my goodness, you're about to pop. When is your due date? And I'm in labor right now. And we just laughed it off. It was so funny. But we ended up. I was able to drive us home, and once we got there, I was contracting pretty bad. And so I was like, let me hop in the shower. I'm gonna be a clean person when I go up there. I work there. And so, like, let me get in the shower. And I. They kind of went away a little bit. And so I was like, no, is this. Was that all fake? Because I was sweating. I was in pain. So, like, that was all fake. That was a bummer. And so I get out of the shower, I get dressed. My friend at the time, which was our third child's mother, was over. She was unloading the groceries, putting clothes in the washing machine. I'm telling you, she was phenomenal, Getting everything together, cleaning the house up A little bit. She was helping count contractions because they started back up again maybe five minutes after I got in the shower. And they were pretty close together. So I was like, let's go ahead and go to the hospital just because I'm in pain. Which I guess I could have waited, but we ended up going to the hospital. My little sister, mind you, she has no driver's license, had to drive us there because I could not drive. I was in so much pain. And so we stopped by my ex husband's work and picked him up. It was on the way and we went to the hospital. My mom pulls in and meets us there. And my ex husband is literally carrying me. I felt so bad because I was so heavy, but he was like carrying me across the parking lot and my feet were drag because I was hurting so bad. Yeah. But there was a woman outside who had actually, she'd been putting a patient in their car. And she was like, oh, you need this wheelchair. And so I got in the wheelchair and we went to the ob and it was just the perfect Hollywood moment. Like, who? The wind's blowing, the door's open. You're so excited. My whole delivery was that way. It was just perfect. I. I was in pain, obviously, but I got my epidural. All family and friends, everybody came over. I am just the rock. I'm doing so amazing. Everyone's telling me how amazing I've been this whole pregnancy. You're so strong. You've done so good. You're gonna do so well. And I labored. Maybe that was about noon. I labored until the next morning. Like 8 o' clock that morning. It was time to. To start pushing. And my little sister was in there. My mom, my ex husband and his ex, which is. Was our third child's mother, she was in there too. And she was actually filming, which I'm so thankful for her. She had sat there with me all night long. And she went to leave whenever they were like, let's start pushing. And I was like, you're not leaving. This is the grand finale. You're about to hear this. You're about to open these presents. We've been waiting. And so we were all in there. It was just amazing. I love going back and watching that video because what was to come, I could not have imagined. I thought it was about to be just perfect because I felt perfect. I felt amazing. My ex husband was so supportive. Just come on, baby. Come on, you can do it. Push, push. Like just amazing. Perfect. And I remember I get a little emotional Take your time, because I remember pushing the one final push, and she came out, and I. And you can kind of see it in the video. I kind of fell back onto the bed, and my hands were up in the air like this, probably. I was in shock a little bit. I was shaking, and I was just enveloped, just completely consumed with darkness. Evil darkness, sadness. And I just laid there, and I was looking up at the ceiling. And of course, everyone leaves you and they go, rush to the baby. Is the baby okay? And so I was just laying there by myself, and I was depressed just immediately. And so I was convinced that I. There. I was just possessed by a demon. A demon just possessed me. There's no way that I'm just sad all of a sudden. And people had mentioned baby blues. It's normal. You know, you're a little tearful. One to two weeks, it'll usually resolve. It's just that normal rush of hormones that kind of leave your body, and they're trying to regulate. It's totally normal. But I was like, this is not that. This is a demon. This is the devil. And it's. It's in here. It's in me. I. I'm so scared. And the doctor came over. My OB came over, and they laid my daughter on my chest, and she was perfection. And I looked at her and I was like, this is the. I need her. This is it. This is keeping me good. Because I felt okay a little bit. And I was like, this is what. This is what I needed. This is good. Okay. And I was smiling at the cameras. Everyone wants a picture. Look at the baby. And I was smiling. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, can they see it? Do they see this? Can they tell? And it was just really scary. However, I told myself, this is gonna go away. It's hormones. Everybody says it. It's just hormones. And so they take the baby away, and they go do all their first couple shots. And the assessment. The pediatrician comes and assesses them, so they're kind of out of your sight for a couple of hours. And I was just waiting in bed, waiting for my epidural to wear off so that I could get up and go to the restroom, and I felt okay. And a couple of my co workers came in because I worked. I had worked at that hospital since I was 19. I was 24 at the time that I had a baby. But they were coming in, seeing how I was doing. A lot of his family came. My family had been there the whole entire time. So the whole Night. So they all kind of went home to get some rest, but everybody was in and out, in and out. I just had visitor after visitor after visitor, and I was smiling. Just. I felt like I was being so fake the whole time. And I. I was crying the whole entire time, but I wasn't. It was just. Tears were coming out, and that was it. Like, they were just flowing out. Did you feel numb? Yes, very much. And I didn't have to make any effort to cry. You know how you'll make some noise and your chest hurts and you cry? Tears just came out of my eyes. They just poured out. And I was just like, sorry. I'm just emotional, just trying to play it off. And the first night in the hospital, I. It was pretty rough because baby. Baby is new. She doesn't know what's going on, and neither do I. And so I'm trying to learn how to breastfeed. And he has four other children. Right. And so I. Which I know I keep saying three children and four children. He has four, but we raised three.
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B
Okay.
- [30:36]
A
So it can get a little confusing. But he was trying to show me what to do. And he would just take her off and move her to the next one. No, that's not working. And move her over here. And he was trying so hard to be helpful, but it was very painful. Yeah. But I just felt like I couldn't do that. Right. Well, he knows what to do. I can't do that. Right. I'll do my best. I'm doing my best. And I couldn't get her calmed. And so he ended up calling the nursery and asking them to come and take her just for a few hours so that I could rest. And they fed her a bottle in there, which is totally fine. And I managed to get a few hours of sleep. And whenever I woke up that morning, it was very, very early morning. And I could hear something, like, in the corner, like, kind of a rustling, a tinkling. I'm not really sure, but I was like, oh, my goodness. It. I think it's in here. Like, maybe it's not. I think it's around. It's all of us. It's coming to get all of us, which I don't know what I thought that it was. It was just darkness. And so I got up. I didn't want to wake him up. And so I got up and I went and I answered the phone, and I called on the phone to the nursery for them to bring me my baby, because I knew that she would keep things at bay because she was like a light. She made me so happy. And I was. It was like Christmas morning. I was like, can you bring me my baby? I was so excited. And they wheeled her in, and I was immediately like, oh, yes, this is just what I needed. I just needed her. And so I picked her up, and she's just perfect. And I thought it was so funny because every time they would bring her to me, she looked different every time. Like, she looked more and more like a little baby. And so I was like, are you sure this is mine? This is my baby? And they're like, yes, ma', am. This is your baby. Look at her name tag. And I was like, okay. I was just checking. But I was holding her. It was just perfect again. And that day was good. I cried all day long. One of my friends came, and she was going to take newborn photos of her on the bed. Just newborn pictures. And I remember she maybe took three or four. And I still have those pictures, and they're so cute. But I didn't allow her to do anything else. I was like, okay, that's enough. You're good. And she was my really good friend at the time. Yeah. And I apologized to her years later, years and years later. And I was like, I'm really sorry. I was like, I rushed you out of the room. And she was like, no, girl. She was like, you're fine. I could tell that you. That you weren't really feeling it. And I was like, oh, you could. Because I thought that I kept it hidden so well. I thought I was doing a good job. But in the time. In that time period, I thought in my mind, nobody sees this. Nobody sees that you are evil. You're consumed. You're not sad. Nobody notices. You're a mom, and you're doing a good job. And so we started getting ready to leave. A couple of hours later, my OB doctor came in. And I was like, well, I was like, I just can't stop crying. I was like, I'm crying so much. And my OB was like, that's fine. It's normal. It's just hormones. It should resolve in a couple of weeks. And I was like, okay, thank goodness, because this is awful. And so I just told myself that. And she left. And I just was like, it'll go away. Golly, it'll go away. That's what everyone keeps saying thing. And so. But I didn't tell her about the demon. Way worse.
- [34:11]
B
Yeah.
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A
Feelings that I was having. I wasn't just crying.
- [34:14]
B
I just think it's so crazy, too that it was like, as soon as.
- [34:17]
A
She came out, it was just like the moment.
- [34:19]
B
Yeah.
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A
The crazy. I can.
- [34:21]
B
Like, I wonder how common that is for people opposed to, like, maybe, like, I don't know, like a week or two down, you know, or whatever. It might be. Like, I. Because I feel like I've never heard.
- [34:32]
A
Of that aspect of it.
- [34:33]
B
Like, people kind of just say, like, yeah, I had postpartum depression, but they might not. Maybe they can't even pinpoint. But it's interesting that you know or knew that, like.
- [34:42]
A
Right. I can still. I can picture everything. I can still feel everything. And I actually have a lot of PTSD from that experience. Just experiencing depression overtake you, because a lot of times, depression comes in other forms. It comes in waves. It doesn't just. You're depressed.
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B
Right.
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A
That's You. You're depressed now. It doesn't usually. I feel like it doesn't usually do that. I'm not sure of everyone's experience, but in that moment of my life, I was instantly. Yeah.
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B
Taken over. Yeah.
- [35:18]
A
Just dark. I was consumed. I. That's how I describe it, is just being consumed. It was very scary. But we went to leave the hospital, and we have it. We have all of these things on video. And so I go back and I watch them now, and I'm like, that one right there, that is sad, because we had a video. It's just me and my ex in the room, and I'm holding my baby, and it was my first time out of bed, and I'm holding her, and I'm sitting in the rocking chair, and he's kind of standing in front of me. He's kind of circling, and he's like, tell her that you love her. Tell her that you're happy she's here. Just. We were making a little video to show her when she's older. And I'm like, I love you. Yeah, I do. Like, just very strange, and my face is very emotionless in it. And I'm like, no, we can't show that to her when she's older. That it doesn't look like what I thought in the moment when I was making it. It doesn't look like that. That. It looks very sad. I look very traumatized and I look very sad. So that is just for me. But I have lots of videos to show her. But that specific one is not the one also. Yeah.
- [36:31]
B
And you know how you were feeling in that moment?
- [36:34]
A
I didn't. It was almost like I was in denial because I just kept telling myself that this is normal. Yeah, People feel like this. It's normal. But we went to leave the hospital room, and I was crying so loudly. Now, at this point, I was not silently crying. I was very, very loudly crying all the way down the hallway. And my mom's filming me, and she turns and she films the room of the little door hanger, because we just document everything. We're crazy. But she films the door hanger and she kind of films me. And you can hear me wailing at the end of the hall. And the nurse stops me and she's like, do you want to turn around and go back? Do you need to go back? And I was like, no, no, no, no. Because at that point, I just wanted to get home, right? I wanted to get home to the house. I wanted to get home to the children, to. To my normal life. I just needed to get there. And so we loaded up in the car and we stopped by our little local coffee shop, and a couple of our really good friends worked there, and they were going to get me a free coffee and bring me out a coffee. And so I stayed in the car and they brought me a coffee. And which. The people who own that coffee shop are actually our tattoo artists as well. And he was the best man in our wedding. Like, they were really, really close. And so he comes up to the door and he's like, there, you did it. Good job. And I was like, I cannot stop crying. I'm really scared. And he's like, it's fine. He was like, my wife did that, too. It's normal. It'll go away. And so I was like, okay. He's saying it's normal, too, so it's normal. And so we left and we went home, and we pulled up to the trailer park, and we're like, going down the way to our trailer at the back, and. And I was just getting more and more and more oppressed, just, like, possessed. Like, I can't be here. I don't want to be here. It's really dark. Like, it was evil. Which we can look back now and say that it was probably trauma from all of the fighting and the toxic relationship that I had had there for years. But as we were pulling up, I was like, no, the devil is here. Here. The devil is in this trailer park. It's. It's in our home. Like, this is really awful. And. But I didn't tell him that. We were not going to tell him. We were normal. We're happy. We had a baby. And so we go inside and the. It was February, February 8th. It was the 9th at that time. And it was so cold. The trailer was cold. We didn't have heat and air. And so it was freezing cold. And. And it was just a very, very, very miserable first night at home. She was very fussy a lot. She cried a lot the first few weeks of her life. Very sensitive, very gassy. And so she was really fussy. And she'd start fussing about six in the evenings. And I just could not get her to calm down. And that can also cause postpartum depression a little bit. Just the lack of sleep and the stress. And then his three children were there, the three that we had. And they ran up, they're coming to meet baby sister. We've been talking about baby sister for all this time. This is exciting. And so they come running up, and I immediately was like, ew, no, no. Like, don't touch her. Don't look at her. And then my ex husband was like, hey, it's okay. He was like, they know how to hold her. They've got lots of siblings. They know how to hold her. He just kind of brushed it off. And I was like, okay, yeah, okay. And so we all sat down on the couch, all two brothers, little sister, they're all holding her. And it's supposed to be beautiful, right? You watch these videos on YouTube and Facebook where people are introducing their siblings for the first time. And it's so lovely and it's beautiful and it's awesome. But I just had this thought in the back of my mind that I didn't like them. I did not like them. I did not want them to touch her. I thought that they would hurt her, that they would make her bad. Like, she is perfect. She's brand new. She's. Nothing's wrong with her. And they. I don't remember how old they were at the time. They were maybe five or six, seven and eight. Like, they were babies. They were little children. And I just had this. This feeling that I did not want them around her at all. I didn't want them to be my husband's children. I wanted her to be my husband's only child. And that thought scared me pretty bad very early on. But I was like, you're just jealous. It's jealousy. Like, that's all it is. You're just jealous. Get over that. You love these babies. You love this man. This is fine. Because I kept pushing everything down, pushing it off to. This is an excuse. It's fine. And so that was the first night, and it was awful. I remember laying in bed that night in our bedroom, and I. She was sleeping. We didn't have money for a crib or anything, so she kind of slept in a little swing, and she was sleeping kind of down on the floor. Our bed's pretty tall. And I could hear something in the corner of the room again, like a rustling, a tinkling. And I was like, that it came here. Like, why is it here? This is my house, and it's in here. And that it scared me pretty bad. And so I told my husband. I was like, we need to sleep in the living room. I was like, let's just sleep on the couch. I was like, I'm sleeping too hard in the bedroom. The. The bed's too tall. Can we just sleep on the couch in there? And he was like, yeah, that's fine. And I had to study for nursing school anyways. I actually had an exam in a couple of days. That was Friday that we got to go home from the hospital. I had an exam that next Tuesday. So I was like, I need to study, and let's just all hang out in the living room. Let's sit in here. And so what? That turned into us sleeping on the couch until she was probably three months old. Because I thought that there was something in the bedroom it was going to get us. It was very evil. And I didn't like to go in there or sleep in there because the first couple of nights that sound, I thought, was getting louder and louder. So, like, it's coming over here, and eventually it's going to get. Get to this bed, and it's going to get us. And there's nothing I'm going to be able to do. I can't fight it off. I don't know what to do. And so I actually talked to my ex a couple of days ago, and I was like, like, do you remember when we slept on the couch? We slept on the couch for those three months. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, what did I tell you? Like, what? Why did you do that? Like, you didn't ask why? Like, why. What did I tell you? Why were we going to go do that? And he was like, oh, you said that the bed was really tall and that you wanted to be a little bit closer to her. And so, yeah, we slept on the couch so we could be closer. And I was like, well, I was like, yeah, I was like, actually there. I thought that there was a demon in the bedroom. And he was floored. He was like, are you kidding me? What do you Mean. And I was like, I don't know. That's just what I thought. Yeah. I don't have an explanation. I thought there was a demon in there. So we slept on the couch. And a few other things that I did that I look back now, in the moment, I didn't think anything of it. I just was living my life. But when I look back now, I'm like, you did that. You did this, you did that. You're weird. But I'm like, no, you were sick. Yeah, you're fine. But I kept all of her baby diapers, dirty baby diapers in boxes. Just stacks of dirty baby diapers in boxes. Hundreds and hundreds of them. And when I don't remember when, I finally was like, you know what? Let's throw these away.
- [45:05]
B
Did your ex husband know that you were doing that?
- [45:08]
A
Yes. Which he probably just thought I was being lazy. Okay. But I have talked to him and his sister in this last week, and they have both. He just didn't notice. Okay. He just thought that I was sad and he was trying to let me work through my sadness. And she told him, no, something's going on. Like, something's going on. I think this is more serious. And he would just brush her off. He's like, no, she's fine. Yeah, she's okay. She's gonna be fine.
- [45:43]
B
So you're keeping all the diapers and boxes? Was it in the trailer with you guys?
- [45:48]
A
It was in our bedroom. I don't know if it smelled. It probably did. Yeah, it probably did. And I kept them in the back bedroom. And we didn't go back there.
- [45:59]
B
Got it.
- [45:59]
A
So maybe I didn't notice it in the living spaces, but I feel like I finally started throwing them away. Maybe around. She was four or five months old. Okay. Because at that point I was like. I was feeling a little better. Yeah.
- [46:16]
B
So, like.
- [46:17]
A
So that.
- [46:17]
B
Do you think that that was kind of just like. I mean, that sounds kind of like an OCD type thing of just, like.
- [46:24]
A
Wanting to keep hoarding all of those things. Like, I'm not. I don't want to throw them out. Right.
- [46:29]
B
Like, any piece of her.
- [46:30]
A
But other things that I did was I was not taking care of myself. I was not changing my paddle as often as you should. I developed, like, skin breakdown and blisters on my back a little bit because I would wear that pad all day, all day long. And you have to change those. You can get infection. Yeah. But no. And my mom actually came over that next day. It was the Saturday after I'd Given birth. It was our. We'd had our first night at home. It was horrible. And that Saturday, my. My family, mom, dad, and sisters all came over, and I was sitting on the coffee table, and I had the exact same clothes on as I had at the hospital, which I showered after I gave birth. So I showered on Thursday after I had given birth, and then this was Saturday, which it's probably recommended. I'm a nurse now, so I know better. But it's probably recommended to shower every day because you have stitches, you just gave birth, you. High risk of infection. You probably need to bathe. But I just didn't. I should have got home and took a shower that night from the hospital, but I just didn't take care of myself very well. And I was sitting on the coffee table. My parents were on the couch, and my. My dad was holding her. It was the first time he was meeting her. And I remember sitting there, and I was just smiling because my dad's holding this little bitty baby, and my dad is a big old man, and so he was. Was holding this little baby, and it was just the cutest thing ever. And I felt okay in that moment. But my mom looked at me and she was like, honey, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm fine. And she was like, no, are you all right? She was like, why don't you go take a shower? And I was like, no, I'm fine. And she was like, baby, go take a shower. She's like, I'll. I'll. There was tons of laundry in there. And I was like, no, I'm fine. And she's like, why don't you go take a shower, and I'll work on this laundry right here. Just go take a shower. Take a break. You need to go take a break. Go. Go take a nap. Go in there. Go in there for a minute. And so I went and showered. And I remember looking in the mirror, and I had so much breast milk on my shirt. Like, wet and then dry and then wet and then dry. Like, it was so much. And my dad was right there, so my mom was probably like, oh, get yourself together. Yeah. But I've talked to her since then, and she was like, no, honey, I just wanted you to shower. She's like, your dad doesn't care.
- [49:06]
B
Yeah, And I think it's hard, too, because it's like. It's. It's kind of like the spine line of like, maybe it's just, you know, a new mom and being overwhelmed, and then especially if you're kind of holding a lot in. I'm sure some people, like people around you didn't want to assume either that like something deeper was going on.
- [49:23]
A
Yes. And this will come into play later, but my mom has had four children and never even had baby blues. Yeah, she had four children and they were very poor. We grew up poor. And she never. She just was an amazing mom. She was a stay at home mom. I mean, she might have experienced stuff and just hasn't told me, but in. Whenever I talked to her about it, she was like, I just didn't have that. I. I didn't go through that. So I hate that you had that because I can't help you there. I didn't experience stuff like that. And so in her mind, I wonder if she was almost naive just a little bit. And she probably just assumed that it's because my husband and I just had a toxic relationship for so long. She probably didn't think that we're doing okay right now. And so she was just worried about things. And we had all three children there all weekend, which I look back now, I'm like, we probably should have just had them stay at Nana's.
- [50:25]
B
Yeah, but.
- [50:26]
A
And I told him that. I was like, why didn't we have him stay the night somewhere? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, that was just our routine. We got him on Friday nights. And I'm like, yeah, we made it work in the moment. I didn't think anything of it. Like, these are my babies. It's Friday night. Like, we. This is normal. But now I know, let's have a day or two and then let the kids stay at Nana's for a little bit. But I was. I ended up showering that day and I felt so much better. And I got out and I went in there. My mom was working on all of the laundry. She was getting the kids to put all the laundry up. And I felt okay because it would come in waves. It was always there. I was always very sad and very overwhelmed. But every now and then I felt okay. And in those moments where I was like, okay, I can do that. This. My mom was usually around. I was usually holding my daughter. My family was usually in the room. I was at their house. But whenever it was just me, my husband, and my. The. Our stepchildren, I. You felt it was utterly depressed. Yeah. Just hated it. Did not want to be there. I just wanted me and my daughter to go live by ourselves. We could have lived in the woods, but I just wanted us to be ourselves and no one else around. And that feeling started very early on was that I just wanted it to be me and her. And it just started very innocent, just like that. I just wanted to be alone with her by myself. I don't want anyone else around. And in the meantime, I, I tried breastfeeding, but with nursing school and how depressed I was, breastfeeding is a full time job. I commend those mamas. That is hard work. And so I just opted to not do it. And so I was going to go turn my breast pump back in at the. It's called wic, which is like a women, they kind of help you. Women and children, government assistance and stuff. I was, I had that at the time. So I was going to go turn my breast pump in at the WIC office and I, I don't know how I left the house like this, but I did. My husband must have been asleep or at work, but I went to the WIC office. No shoes, didn't have no shoes on. A dirty shirt with milk dried and wet, dried and wet. Just layers and layers of breast milk all over my shirt. I probably smelled bad. We just assume I did. And I probably looked awful because I quit wearing makeup about that time. I just probably looked bad, had bags under my eyes and I went in there and I had my baby on my carrier and we're gone. We're conquering the world. First time we're leaving the house. This is nice. And I was like, I just needed to turn this in. And the woman at the counter was like, oh, are you okay or honey? And I was like, oh, I'm fine. I was like, I'm just not able to breastfeed. I've just got a lot going on right now. I just wanted to turn this in. And she just kind of eyed me and she was like, well, can you come in the back for a little bit? Can you come? We need you to talk to somebody and just sign some paperwork. And I was like, yeah, that's fine. And they led me through the office and we went and sat back there and I sat on the couch waiting. And while I was sitting there waiting, I noticed I didn't have any shoes on and that I was just a mess. I think I had pajama pants on. Like I just looked, looked an awful mess. And I became pretty self conscious in that moment. I was like, oh man. Like, and now I'm stuck here in this lady's office and I look awful. And I don't remember who the lady was. She could have just been a lactation consultant or dietitian or something because they have a lot of those that work there. But she came back there and she was like, are you. What are you doing all right? And I was like, yeah, I'm fine. I was like, I'm fine. And she was like, why don't you want to breastfeed anymore? And I just explained to her I was stressed.
- [54:36]
B
It was.
- [54:36]
A
I was in nursing school, I just was going to use formula. And she was like, okay, well, what are you doing to not breastfeed? And I was like, I'm just not. And she was like, but how are you going to stop? And I was like, I'm just not going to. What do you mean? Yeah, because apparently there's things you have to do to stop breastfeeding. I didn't know about them. Yeah. But she was like, okay, well. And she kind of moved over and she sat on the couch near next me and was holding my hand. And she was just so precious and just kind of helped me, told me what to do. Cabbage leaves and compresses and warm showers. And she was like, if you ever have any questions or anything, you come back here, okay? And I was like, yeah, that's fine. I sure will. Which I did end up going back every month to get the wick, but I never saw that lady or talked to her again. But I think in that moment she probably saw that something was, this isn't normal. Like she might be struggling a little bit. And I thought that I covered it up really well, which I probably didn't. But I never saw her again, so I was so embarrassed. But I ended up going home and I was like, I need to get my stuff together. People are just starting to notice and you're gonna lose your baby. They're gonna take her away from you. You need to calm down. And so I took a shower and I cleaned our bedroom and cleaned the living room and I got everything together. And I was like, this is fine. You can do this. You're not sad. Calm down. And I ended up going back to school. That was like a Monday. Like three or four days after I ended up going back to school. That Tuesday, I had my first big exam. I made an amazing grade on it. And so I was like, I. I am. I think I can do this. Maybe I can do this. This. However, whenever I had to go back to school, I had to drop my 6 day off. 6 day old baby off to my mom. And all the way to school is maybe a 30, 45 minute drive. I felt so alone. Just all alone, all by myself. The worst feeling of my entire life. My. My stomach is empty. There's not a baby in here anymore. She's gone. I can't feel her. Something could go wrong. She's just a baby. And I was like, I. What if I just wrecked. Just wrecked this car? And then that was it. Then I could be in the hospital and I could not. I won't have to go anywhere ever again. They'll just let me be in the hospital and I'll have a baby and I'll just sit and hold her all the time. And then that. I continued going back and forth from school week. Weeks passed and those thoughts got a little worse. As I was driving down the interstate, I'm thinking, I could just smash this semi. I could just drive right into him. And it would. Nobody would know that I was this upset. Because in this time period, I started to experience the suicidal ideations and just all consuming. This will not get better. They said that it would get better. And it just. It's not better. So this is forever. Are you gonna do this forever? Are you gonna be able to hide this forever? These thoughts? And the demon, Are you gonna be able to live with him? It was awful. But I did not want to kill myself. I thought that. That I didn't want to leave my baby. And so I just wanted to be killed. It was a very weird feeling of I just don't want to be alive. So maybe I can just be dead or be in a hospital. Maybe I can just be paralyzed and people just take care of me and I can just exist because that's how I felt. I just existed. I did not enjoy. Not a thing. And I did end up going back to my OB for my postpartum appointment. I don't remember if it was like three weeks or six weeks. And I remember telling her that I was just sad. They have like a questionnaire that you can fill out. And I'm just sad. I'm. I don't. Nothing makes me happy. I'm just so sad. I'm just crying. And she had said that it's hormones. It's the hormones. They're awful. They will. They're. It's pretty bad. And she had told me that, you know, come back. If it's not resolved, just come back. And I never went back to her. Even though they never went away. I didn't have insurance and stuff like that. And so I just can't afford all of these things. And so I'm just Not going to go back. I can do this. And so I didn't go back, even though it got worse. But in that moment, I think I want to say six weeks was my postpartum checkup. Just like, it's just. Just hormones at this point. And they will regulate because I was still having some bleeding at the time. You bleed for quite some time. So I'm like, when that kind of stops, then the hormones regulate again and I can get my cycle back together. Just hold on. You can do it. And so I wanted. I started feeling just too overwhelmed. I stopped wanting to leave the house. House. It became very, very anxiety inducing to leave the home. I wanted to stay there with my child. And so I was gonna quit nursing school. And at that point, we were almost done with RN Spring, and I only had like four or five months left of this two and a half year ordeal. And if I had that scholarship, that full scholarship, so if I would have quit, I would have had to pay back back all of that money. And I don't have that money. Right. And so I. There was just a lot of pressure, like, you aren't. You're not able to quit. You can't. You have to do this. And. But then I talked to my husband about it, and he was like, yes, you can quit. If that is too much for you, yes, you can. I will get a second job. We'll pay back all of that money. They'll give you time. And I worked there at that hospital still. I remember my boss at the time texted me and asked me when I thought I might be ready to come back to work. And I told her that I just wasn't really sure and that I was crying a lot. And she had said, that is normal. I did that as well. I think she said that. I just remember her telling me, it's normal. I mean, that it happens. It'll be okay. But you let me know when you're ready. You take your time. It's no rush. You just let me know. And when you want to come back, you obviously come back. And I was like, oh, thank you so much. She had it too. It's normal. And I was gonna quit nursing school. I told myself that every single day. I was like, I'll just quit. I would hold my baby every morning. I'd get ready for work. I had to get up at 4am because I had to be at the hospital in a whole nother town over at 6am so I'd get up very early and I would just hold her, and I'd be like, I'm gonna quit. Quit today. I'm going to quit today because I'm going to come home and I'm going to see you, and today's going to be the day. And I would be like, I'll be right back. And I would drop her off at my mom's, and I would just tell myself, today's the day. We don't have to do this forever. I'm just going to quit today. And I told myself that every day for months, weeks and months. Today will be the day. You'll quit today. It's okay. And whenever I would get home in the evenings, I'm like, you did it. You didn't quit. Good job. I would just give myself that victory. You didn't quit. Nobody noticed. Nobody noticed today that you're sad. You did a good job. And once we got into having just, like, maybe two months left of our in summer, we were not quitting.
- [62:39]
B
Yeah.
- [62:39]
A
I was like, baby girl, mama's got this. We're going. I'm almost done. We've got two months left. Because at that point, she could crawl a little bit, she could sit up a little bit, and I'd sit her on my next to me, and she'd play with her toys, and we'd watch America's Next Top Model, and I would study. It was our routine all just me and my girl. And I have so many pictures of her where I would post them on Facebook, and I would be like, my little study buddy, and she's sleeping on a stack of nclex books and stuff. Just my rock. Just. I. I'm very proud of myself because I did end up getting through, and I got my RN license. That's amazing. And I had. All of my children were there off all our three.
- [63:23]
B
And you did that while going through something extremely horrible. It was.
- [63:28]
A
Yes. And I look back now, and none of my nursing school friends really noticed any of that. Right. And so I.
- [63:34]
B
It was an internal battle.
- [63:36]
A
I prided myself in not letting them. Not, like, they didn't notice. Yeah, Good job, girl. Nobody saw that you were sad today. I thought it was flex. And all of my. The kids were there, and I had them T shirts made that said mom did it, and my daughter was the little exclamation point. And they're holding her up, and I just love that picture so much. They all sat on the very front row, and I got my rn, and it was just so amazing. I love that moment so much. I love it. So I had finished nursing school, and I Thought that in that moment, that is one big stressor out of my life. This is going to go away. Because in all of this time, I was still. We were sleeping on the couch. I wasn't throwing away diapers. I had started bathing and taking care of myself better, obviously, because that could not go on. I did realize very early on that was not going to be okay. So I did start taking care of myself a lot better. But mine and my husband's relationship started to become toxic again because he has told me since that he thought that what was wrong with me was him. And so he stopped coming home at night. He was sleeping on the couch. Like, he would come home, sleep on the couch. At this point, after I finished school, we had moved back into the bedroom, and so I felt like things were getting better. It's going to be fine. But we started becoming really toxic again. And he blames himself a lot because he figured I was sad because of something he was doing. I just didn't like him. And so he just didn't treat me very well. And he'll tell you that himself that he just didn't. Wasn't doing good. And so he was coming home late. He'd sleep on the couch. He was going out with friends a lot. I would be at home with all of the kids on the weekends. And it was just stressful. I was so stressed. And I just wanted me and my baby to be together. I didn't want to be in the trailer park anymore. I didn't want to be there anymore. And I still had that feeling that I just wanted it to be me and my child, right? All of these children. Where did all these kids come from? Whose kids are these? Where's your mommies? I just started to hold a lot of resentment towards them. And I felt that, which, this is horrible, but I felt that my baby deserved a dad to be her dad and not all of these kids dads, which. That is crap. That is a horrible mindset to have. And I know that now. But in that moment, I was just so jealous of them because he would go spend time with them, and I'm like, but what about her? She's perfect. Look at her. She's perfect. You don't want to see her. And of course he did. He would watch her when I had to work. Like, he took care of all of his children. He's an amazing dad. He has all of his children now. But I'm like, she needs you. No one else does. She's a baby. They. They can do their own thing. And so that little bit of resentment started to develop into pretty scary thoughts, very scary thoughts. And I started to have dreams at night. And this is the part where I. That I have never talked about my postpartum depression with anybody because it is so controversial. It's so awful, the thoughts that you have when you are a mom. You should love your baby and all of your babies and be a mom. Just. It should be that simple. But it is, so. It's just not. And I don't know why I was the one that had to do these things, but I started to have very bad dreams at night where I would be harming the other children, her older brothers and sister. And I would be spanking them or getting them in trouble. Usually I was spanking them, though, and they just weren't crying hard enough. They weren't getting hurt enough. And so I would be abusing them, just being so aggressive. And I would wake up and I would be like, oh, my God. Gosh, yeah, you need to calm down. That. That's enough of that. You. That's awful that you don't need to be doing that. And then those thoughts would plague me all day. I would think of the dream that I'd had that night where I beat my children. And so I was like, that's so awful. And then those dreams started turning into. Well, we won't get to that yet. Okay? Because I started to. We. I started to have a lot of reactive abuse with my husband, where he would be. We would be fighting. We would be screaming at each other and yelling. And then he would get really, really calm, and he would be like, what is wrong? I think you're depressed. I think there's. You need to go to the doctor. You need to go talk to somebody. Something's wrong with you.
- [69:04]
B
You.
- [69:04]
A
And he would talk so preciously, and I was not ready to talk. Precious. We were screaming just a second ago. We're gonna keep screaming. And so I would keep screaming, and I would get so angry because he would be like, what's wrong? Just in the most innocent voice. Like, we weren't just having a knockdown drag out. And I found out later that he was filming me. Me in those moments. And he had been showing his sister, and he had showed my mother one of those videos, and Which I found that out way later. But in one of the videos he filmed me in, he's holding my daughter on the couch, and we had just gotten in a horrible fight. And he's calm and talking. Precious. And just. You're sick. You're sick, Megan. Something is wrong with you. And I was like, I'm not sick. And I reared back and I kicked him right in his chest, and he's holding my baby right here. And she started to cry because it startled her, and he kind of fell back, and he was like, this is what I'm talking about. Which I laugh now because I'm like, you goofy man. You had me tricked. Because then he took that video and showed his family. And so his sister told me. She was like, megan, you've got to calm down. He has video of you harming him. Like, you're. If he. Like, you could lose your child. You were hitting him. He wasn't doing anything to you. And I was like, no, you don't understand. He was being awful. And she's like, that. It doesn't matter. That's not what was in that video. And so it. If something were to happen and y' all go to court or something, you're gonna lose custody. You've. You've got to get it together. Because my. At this point, I just had a lot of anger. I wasn't really sad anymore. I was so angry at everything. My emotions were just. I was just riding the train they were taking me on. And at this point, I was very mad. And my mom told me a couple of days ago, because I had never done discussed any of this with her either. And I went and got her viewpoint of things at that time, and I was talking to her about what she saw back then, and she said that she does remember. One day I called her and I told her that me and my husband had been fighting. And I was like, I think I'm going to kill him. I'm so mad. I am angry. I was like, I'm angry, Mama. I'm. I'm going. I could kill him. I'm so mad right now. And she was like, well, why don't you just come over? Just get. Just come over. And so I got the baby, and I went to my mom's, and I was perfect. And so then I had it convinced in my mind that my. That the house had demons in it. I was possessed by a demon. I can't control anything. I'm out of control. It was just no regulation. Everything was awful. And so our relationship was just getting worse and worse and worse. And I. It was about. Well, January 12th was the day that I left, but a month or so, couple months prior to that. I remember having a dream one night, it was before the holidays, and I had a dream one Night that I got out of bed and I poured gasoline in the kids bedrooms, and I poured it all through the house and I picked my daughter up and I went to the front door and lit a match and I lit the house on fire. And I slammed the door really quick and I locked it. And I remember in my dream, I was scrambling to lock it really quick, and I ran down the steps of our trailer and I had my baby. And I was like, we're getting out of here. It's just you and me, girl. And I can hear it in my head to this day. The kids were screaming, mama, Mama. And like banging on the door. And I just kept on running. I never even turned around. I didn't look, but I remember the way the trees look in the trailer park. They're like lit up with the fire behind me. I can still picture. And it's been seven years. My daughter's seven now. And when I woke up that morning, I was like that, this is it. Nope, there is something wrong with you. Because in my dreams, my whole entire life, I have never killed people in my dreams. And so I was like, there's something wrong with you. There very much is something wrong. And at that point, I had kind of come to the realization that me and my husband, we're gonna break up. Yeah, it is what it is. We're gonna break up. I was out of nursing school at this point. He wasn't coming home, and he was out hanging with friends. Like, we're not going to make it. I'm not going to live here forever. I just have to get some things in order because I wasn't. I didn't want to be out and not have finances and not have anywhere to go. But so I was sticking around and I told myself, I was like, you've got to go to the doctor. You need to go speak to a doctor. My child was 8 months old at this time.
- [74:28]
B
So you dealt with this for eight months.
- [74:30]
A
And it was only getting worse. Only getting worse. It progressed from just the sadness, the hearing things, the sounds in the corner to anger into wanting to kill the. Everyone in the house, which I look back on the moms who have killed their children. Yeah. And I do have pity.
- [74:53]
B
And that's what I was going to say. It's like, it's. It's scary and it's sad because it's like, it makes you wonder for a lot of those situations, was it someone basically going through psychosis and not getting help, not thinking when did it hit.
- [75:05]
A
That point and they weren't able. They couldn't decipher between.
- [75:10]
B
Yeah, what's reality?
- [75:12]
A
What I was. Yeah. You took the words, when does it. When does it become where you act on it. You do it.
- [75:17]
B
Yeah.
- [75:18]
A
And then you wake up and you're like. Like, oh, my goodness, I can't believe I dreamed that. And you look over and it was not a dream. Right. And so that scared me bad. And so I immediately made a doctor's appointment to see just my primary care doctor. I hadn't gone back to the OB because I was eight months postpartum. Like, I didn't think that she'd be able to help or anything. So I was like, let me just see a regular doctor. I've got to get on some medications. And I went up there. I ended up just seeing the nurse practitioner of the clinic. And she. I told her everything. I was like, I think I'm gonna. And I had my baby with me and I knew her and she knows me. I worked at the hospital for all those years, and so I was very scared to tell her that I was going to kill myself.
- [76:10]
B
I.
- [76:10]
A
Going to kill my family. I can't do this anymore. And I remember telling her, I know how this sounds. This sounds insane, but I don't need to go anywhere. I don't need to be admitted into a facility because I'm not going to do these things, I promise. Like, I. I didn't want to lose my job or anything, so I was like, just please, I just need some medica. I need something. I need help. Help. And she was like, I'm not gonna report this and stuff like that, but you do need to come back and you need to see the doctor the. Of the clinic, because she was a nurse practitioner. And so she's like, you've got to come back and I'm gonna schedule you to see the doctor. And she sent me with some prescriptions. I started on Zoloft 25mg O loft. And it's. They just kind of. They. There's like a list. They'll usually start everyone off on certain things and you'll escalate from there. So I started with the Zoloft 25. And I was like, okay, perfect, I've got meds. Because I also knew that we, me and my husband were gonna divorce. And I wanted to be able, like right here to this day, I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and tell myself that you did everything. Yeah. That you could. You tried to seek help. Help. You did not just leave in a Fit of rage one day and not look back like you did try, you tried everything. Because my baby now is not in a home with her mommy and her daddy. And I wanted to be able to tell her that I really tried. I did not want it to be this way. I tried so hard. I was sick and that medicine didn't really work, it just had side effects. And so I went back and they doubled that medicine and added something else else. And they told me to just take 2 or 3 of the medicine, the more for anxiety. It's called hydroxyzine and it's kind of like for Ben, it's kind of like Benadryl too, cuz it's for itching as well. So they were like, just take two or three of those if you're having like a anxiety attack or something. So I was like, okay, I will. And so I had gone to my mom's that afternoon and I took three of those hydroxyzine and I remember kind of falling back on the couch and I was like, mom, can you please get the baby? And she just kind of slid down. And I was like, I've got to go take a nap. And so me and my daughter took like a five hour nap. And so I was like, well, that's a medication that I can't take because I have to be alive. And so I just stuck to the doubled dose of Zoloft and that was that. That I told my husband that I pro because it just didn't really seem to help. But I felt, I did feel better and I was not having those, the nightmares and stuff anymore. So I was like, let's get through the holidays for the children. Let's get through the holidays. Because I was making very good money. And because I'd got my in, I was working a lot, I was making really good money. So like, let's get through the holidays. We're gonna have one good Christmas. Because I had so much guilt. And I spent thousands on Christmas that year on just the kids. Just so much everything, bikes, TVs, everything that y' all want, we're doing everything. Because I felt so much guilt by how poorly I had treated them for the last eight months. And it was January 12th and we got in a really big fight and I packed everything I had. I remember I had a laundry basket and I opened the kitchen cabinet where all the baby food was and I raked every bit of it. I was like, we're not coming back. You're not going to need these because we're not going to come back. And I left and I went to my parents house and they ended up coming back with me to get like more of my stuff. And. And my husband, in that moment, immediately he was bawling. He was very upset because when I come back with my mama, I've done told my mom, so we can't go back now. So I think he knew in that moment, she's serious. This is it. She's gonna go. And so he's bawling. We end up getting in a screaming match. He is so upset. And I. And I look back now, and that night breaks my heart because I loved this man. I would have died for him. I loved him. Even after we broke up, I loved him for a long time. It took several years for me to wake up one morning and be like, okay, you're over. And now it's over. But in that moment, that was the night that my family is split to pieces. And I did everything I could, but it just is what it is. We have to go now. And so we stayed at my mom's house for a couple of months and I got my own house and I met my new boyfriend and we've been together about six years now. But in that moment, I was happy. I was like, I've got a nice house because I was making better money. So I was like, I've got a nice house. House. This is nice. I wasn't having the nightmares anymore. It was just me and my baby. It's what I always wanted, right? So I was so happy. And so I quit taking my medicine. And then my little sister got pregnant and she lived with me. Me and her moved in together because I needed a roommate. And my little sister moved in with me and she got pregnant. And she didn't really have a picture perfect pregnancy. Hers was. Was pretty horrible. Her and her significant other had issues which are not. I'm not going to talk about them, but they didn't have a picture perfect relationship. And so when she had her baby, she brought her home to the house and it's me and my baby. She had a girl with me and my daughter, my sister and her daughter. And we just have our little house, our perfect house. And then I started experiencing. I'm going to call it ptsd. But I started getting really paranoid again. And I thought that she was lying. And I was like, aren't you sad? Are you not sad? She's like, what? No. And I was like, you don't want to hurt her. What if you hurt her? Or like, are you okay? Do you love My daughter still. Do you resent her? And my sister's like, no, calm down. And I'm just like, no, you're lying. You're a liar. You do. You are sad. Because in my heart, I could not fathom a woman having a baby and being happy. I was like, nope, that can't happen. You just can't have a kid and love it. Like, that's ridiculous. I just couldn't understand it. And that's when my mom had come out and been like, megan, sometimes people are okay. It's okay. That doesn't happen to everybody. So I had to go get back on my meds because I was having postpartum depression, and I did not even have the baby. But I was paranoid. I was scared to come home. I was scared that my sister will have ended her life and her daughter. I was scared that she was hiding stuff from me. Like, don't you hear them? You don't hear the voices? Are you sure? Like, I. I could. They're there. You know that. Like, they could be. You're not listening. You need to listen harder. Like, I just got really crazy, and it kind of caused problems in our just normal sibling relationship because I. I don't think on her end, but on my end, it did, because I viewed her as manipulative. Like, she's lying to me. She's being deceitful, and she's gonna hurt herself and her baby and because she can't speak up. Like, we have to speak up. And then. So the meds helped. So when they put you on the.
- [84:13]
B
Medicine, did they diagnose you with postpartum.
- [84:16]
A
Depression, or they just were like, yes. Okay. I did express to her all of the things, like, it happened the minute I gave birth, and she diagnosed me with moderate to severe postpartum depression. However, in that moment, I did not tell her that I want. That I was hearing voices and that I wanted to kill little my stepchildren. Okay, so she probably would have called somebody.
- [84:41]
B
Yeah.
- [84:41]
A
I was very mild when I explained my symptoms to her. Just normal sadness. I'm not happy. I wish I was dead. I just want it to be me and her. And so she was like, it. She said it was moderate to severe because it was so far out. It was eight months later, and you're still having that.
- [85:00]
B
And then when you decided to get off of it, how long had you been on it?
- [85:04]
A
I'd been on it maybe a year.
- [85:05]
B
Okay, so you decided it off, and then the feeling started coming back, but more in, like, a PTSD way.
- [85:11]
A
Yes.
- [85:11]
B
Okay. And then did you go back to the doctor? You just decided, I'm going to go back on the medicine.
- [85:15]
A
I went back to the doctor. Okay. Because I moved out January of 2019. We met in April, May of that year. And then I got. Got back on them in 2021. Okay. She was born in 2021. My little sister's baby. Okay. So I got back on them again. And then my sister is actually pregnant now. She's being induced tomorrow. Wow. So we're flying back. And the last six months or so, I have had ptsd. Just like. Like, sad. Like this will be the time. Because the relationship that she's in now, he has stepchildren or she has stepchildren now. And I'm just. I just get so stressed out.
- [86:11]
B
It's like you mirror what you felt. I was like. It's like you mirror what you felt like. You think that. Right. It's, like, hard for you to imagine that somebody won't feel those ways. I think, too, because I. It. It did have such an impact on you. Like, you went from not having any type of feelings like that to such.
- [86:29]
A
Drastic, horrible thoughts, which postpartum depression is very much situational, hormonal. Yeah. Your financial situation. All of the things play into it. And it doesn't. It doesn't happen to everybody. I think I had the perfect storm to create a horrible experience for me. And my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby now. And we've been trying for a little while. And this last year or so, I've been more vocal and more open with my postpartum experience prior because I am scared that that will happen again.
- [87:10]
B
And it's important to talk about it. And like you said, I think the more. More open you are and especially the fact that your boyfriend now knows. I feel like that helps too, because it's just a very open situation. But I think, too, you know, to go into another pregnancy having, you know, even if it's like having a therapist or having someone there that is checking in with you and knows what you've gone through, I think that would give you some peace of mind as well. Are you still medicated?
- [87:39]
A
I'm not anymore.
- [87:40]
B
Okay.
- [87:41]
A
Which I was like, maybe I need to go get back on my meds. I was just mentioning this a couple months ago, but I am just being more open about it now. Yeah. And it makes me feel better. That's all you can do. Yeah. Whenever I tell my boyfriend, today is a sad day. I'm sad today because I never used to Say that. Yeah. And I just told my ex husband two days ago. Right. Of all of that stuff. And that all happened. Happened seven years ago. And he had no idea. But I did not want him to find out about the nightmares and the psychosis and things like that on the Internet. Yeah. And so I was like, I do need to have a little bit of a discussion with him, and I would like to get his viewpoint, because what did he see me acting like back then was, did I hide it well? Did I really? And he. I really didn't. I hid a lot of the voices and just that darkness, the sense that the house was possessed, that the devil was in the corner, the killing, the family nightmares, the suicidal thoughts, wanting to drive my car into semis. I hid all of that pretty good. I never discussed that type of stuff, but obviously I. I didn't hide the crying and the Keeping the diapers and stuff like that very well at all. But the whole point, just the point of me coming today was just to show how something that is a little more simple, just minor resentment, a little bit of jealousy, those feelings could be normal. When you have someone's fifth child, those feelings could be normal. You're just jealous. This isn't. This isn't his first rodeo, but yet it's mine. And so things that are special to me, he has seen four times before. And so it's not very special. And so just those little bitty feelings of resentment can turn into something very severe if you don't speak up and seek help. Because even whenever I was telling my doctor I'm crying a lot, I didn't tell her anything else.
- [89:55]
B
The details of it.
- [89:56]
A
Yeah. How is she gonna be able to help me?
- [89:58]
B
Well, and I was gonna say too, I think something that I've noticed with myself, with my anxiety, which is like, I would only assume with any kind of mental health thing that someone's going through. It's interesting because I'm so open about it, but I noticed that in the moment of feeling it, I shut off and it becomes. I don't want to say it's a shame thing, but it's almost like. Like it feels like it would be a burden to talk about it. So I hold it in. So I guess my point of bringing that up is to. Not that I'm any doctor, but like, to remind you that, you know, if and when you guys do get pregnant again, to remind yourself that it's not a burden and that it's okay to talk about it. I mean, I still have to tell myself that because your well being and everyone's well being that you care about is the most important and there is no shame in that. It, you know, and especially, I'm sure talking out about it publicly too, kind of helps you feel more confident in being able to speak out about it to some degree. But I think it's hard when it comes to, you know, ways that you're feeling inside and feeling that guilt and that shame around it to just be open about it, especially if it's like a daily thing or a daily thought of like, it's like today you might, you might wake up today and be like, you know, I, I'm feeling really bad, but I don't want to talk about it because I've told him the last week that I been feeling this way.
- [91:14]
A
He's like, like add it to the list. Right? Yeah.
- [91:16]
B
So it's like. But I think it's important for you to remind yourself that it's okay and that in order to get through it, if you were to experience those things again, which you might not, which would be amazing.
- [91:26]
A
Yeah, but you know, why not? Yeah, it could have just been that. Right.
- [91:30]
B
And I, I just think it's important the, you know, to remind yourself that the more open you are, I feel like the more open you are to receiving help and to nipping it in the butt faster.
- [91:39]
A
Yes, exactly. Because it's. If the first couple of weeks when I was just crying a lot and just hearing the voice and it wasn't anything crazy, it was just like a little bit of a voice. I could have got on meds then and I never would have progressed into what it progressed into. But women also don't discuss that because not only like society doesn't understand it, even people now probably. I mean, my, my postpartum has kind of turned into a crime chronic problem because I have trauma right. From it. But postpartum depression is very acute disease. It'll. You can get medicated and it will resolve. But people see it as, well, they're just crazy. I was gonna say they're gonna be crazy forever.
- [92:25]
B
And that's a, that's the scary part too is there might be some women in situations where if they told their partner or told somebody that they were hearing voices or seeing things, they'd just get them admitted.
- [92:34]
A
Yeah, you'd be, be crazy the rest of your life. Right. Think you're crazy.
- [92:38]
B
And people would just want to, you know, stay quiet because of that. And that makes sense too. So I think, you know, that's why, like, you Said it's important that people like you speak out about it and it becomes more of a normalized thing. And I've always, you know, from I've heard a couple stories before, I feel like there should be more like tests done, like mandatory.
- [92:59]
A
Because I mean, if at least see your OB more than just that one. Right? Because part of it some sort of.
- [93:05]
B
Mandatory mental health check for new moms. And it's not like it's simply for the safety of them, their children, like anything. I just feel like it should be done. Especially knowing that like, you know, it's so common, like, oh yeah, it's normal to feel this sad with all the hormones. Like, okay, that's great. But that doesn't mean that even if that were to just last a week or two, right? And it doesn't turn into like a whole, you know, long, long term thing, nobody should have to go through those one to two weeks alone or feeling alone, like you still need the same amount of support. So I feel like there should be more things in place or just more something, you know, and there have been.
- [93:44]
A
So many people who, when I've told everyone I'm going to raise awareness for postpartum depression, like we have voices, us women, we do not keep quiet anymore. We speak out on this stuff. People might think you as a bad mom, but you speak out on it because your health, your baby, your husband, everybody's health matters in your family. We're speaking out now. Yeah, we're not keeping quiet. We're really sad today. And no, it's not normal. This. I'm very extra sad. So I need help. And so many people have said I had postpartum depression too. I'm so proud of you. I haven't told anybody. And I'm like, well, we're going out there, girls. We are speaking, right?
- [94:28]
B
And even the fact that you just told your mom and your ex husband.
- [94:32]
A
Like more details, two days ago, days ago, that's crazy. I have never spoke on it. Never. And so I'm just not gonna do that anymore.
- [94:42]
B
No, you should definitely speak out about it. And you know, like I was telling you before we got started, you know, there's so much many people that can relate to these feelings that, you know, obviously saying them out loud to somebody that's never experienced it, they're going to be like, oh my God, you know what I mean? And they're going to be judgmental. But until you have felt those feelings and been in that situation, it's very easy to judge someone until you've gone through it.
- [95:05]
A
Right.
- [95:06]
B
But the people that have experienced it will feel like they aren't alone and will be so appreciative of you having the courage and the strength of. To speak out about it. Because a lot of people would have shame around it.
- [95:18]
A
If I would have watched this video.
- [95:20]
B
Right.
- [95:21]
A
Seven years ago, I would have been. Everything would have been different.
- [95:27]
B
And I think, too, it provides answers in a way, like, not only does it make you feel like you're not alone, it makes you realize, like, oh, maybe that's what I'm experiencing. You know, maybe it's not a demon. Maybe it's just like, you know, it's.
- [95:40]
A
And the little tinkling in the corner was probably a mouse house.
- [95:44]
B
Yeah.
- [95:44]
A
I'm not gonna lie. And the tinkling in the corner at the doctor's office was probably the IV pole or the trash. Yes. And I was, like, convinced.
- [95:57]
B
Right.
- [95:58]
A
That something was in there. It was literally probably a mouse. Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie.
- [96:03]
B
Yeah. But it's so important, you know, and it's. It's something that. I feel like we hear the term a lot, but not enough people take it seriously. I think that the nitty gritty of it, the thoughts, the feelings, those aren't really talked about in detail. I think that when people think of postpartum depression, they just think, oh, you're a little bit sad after you give birth.
- [96:22]
A
The baby blues.
- [96:23]
B
Yeah, it's called the baby exactly like you think. It's more mild, and it can get a lot worse, and it can be really bad. So I 100% agree. I think it's amazing that you decided that you want to speak out about it. I don't think you. You should ever stop speaking out about it. You know, I think you are somebody that you tell your story very well, you know, and I think you. You are very. You're easy to understand. You're easy to relate to, you know, and very easy to listen to.
- [96:51]
A
Well, thank you. I was so anxious.
- [96:53]
B
No, you. You truly did amazing. Like, you know, the whole. The whole way you told your story and, you know, just the beginning, middle.
- [96:59]
A
End, where you are now.
- [97:00]
B
I just think you did such an incredible, great, incredible job, and so many people will be very, very glad to hear your story for sure.
- [97:08]
A
So even if it's only one person, thank you for letting me come and talk about this.
- [97:14]
B
You did, seriously. You should be very proud of yourself. You did incredible.