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Being Gay in a Homophobic House

We're All Insane

Sun Jan 25 2026

Summary

We're All Insane (Host: Devorah Roloff)

Episode: Raised by a Homophobic Mother
Date: January 25, 2026
Guest: Ari

Episode Overview

In this powerful, deeply personal episode, Ari courageously shares their story of growing up in a family marked by cycles of trauma, abuse, and the oppressive force of a homophobic parent. With unfiltered honesty, Ari charts a journey from abandonment and instability in childhood, through painful attempts to fit a rigid image, exposure to emotional and physical abuse, to eventually coming out and forging a path toward healing. The episode highlights the painful complexities of family, the longing for acceptance, the consequences of image-obsessed parenting, and the slow, often non-linear process of self-reconciliation and forgiveness.

Devorah holds space for Ari’s narrative to unfold naturally, providing insight and empathy while allowing Ari’s voice and story to lead. The episode moves from early trauma and family structure through adolescence, coming out, cycles of abuse and estrangement, and ends with reflections on healing and the complicated nature of forgiveness.

Key Discussion Points

1. Ari’s Early Childhood and Family Structure

Adoption and Instability: Ari was adopted by their uncle's ex-wife due to their biological mother being incarcerated and their father struggling with addiction. Early years were characterized by trauma, abandonment, and food insecurity.
- Quote: “I was adopted by my uncle’s ex-wife...my mother was incarcerated and my father was strung out. This led to a lot of abuse...” (00:28)
Family Dynamics: Ari was introduced into a family built on “image” with siblings being groomed for pageants and modeling, while Ari, a self-described tomboy, often felt out of place and at odds with their mother’s ideals.

2. The Role of Image and Control

Image over Reality: Ari’s mother maintained a strict focus on outward appearances, often at the expense of well-being and authenticity.
- Quote: “Her biggest thing in life was image. So I came in already ruining that image...” (00:54)
Espousing Control: Ari reflects on their mother’s attempts to control every aspect of their life—clothing, friends, self-expression, and even emotions—often justifying it as “saving” Ari.

3. Early Signs of Homophobia and Control over Queerness

Ari describes an early, persistent tension around gender expression and orientation. Their mother policed clothing, friendships, and sought to control emerging identities, especially via therapy and isolating Ari from friends with queer parents.
- Quote: “Any friend I had, she didn’t like. Anything I tried to wear, she hated. Because ever since I was little, I’ve always been a tomboy...for her...she groomed [my sisters] for the appearance.” (04:53)
Homophobic Beliefs: Ari discusses how coming out was treated as a family crisis and a “threat” to image, not as something to support.
- Quote (on coming out): “...she lectures me for about an hour and tells me how much of a disappointment I am, how I should expect to get bullied by anybody.” (13:38)

4. The Experience of Coming Out

Barriers and Reprimand: Ari describes being outed during high school and the immediate aftermath—ostracization, punishments, forced therapy and religious attendance, loss of privileges, and statements meant to instill shame and fear.
- Quote: “Had to go to church, I had to go to therapy, I had no phone...But at the end of the day, the tone shifted when I came out and it shifted in a big way” (16:27)
Family’s Use of Religion as Justification: Although Ari’s mother was not religious, “she used religion as image. ...She’ll use God as an excuse, atonement for her.” (13:40)

5. Cycles of Abuse and Survival

Physical and Emotional Punishment: Ari details years of abuse—emotional manipulation, physical violence, punitive reactions to minor “white lies,” and abandonment for minor transgressions.
- Memorable Story: The Thanksgiving Incident—Ari’s mother discovers a “secret” phone, drags Ari to the bathroom, and forcibly washes their straightened hair as punishment for lying. (21:00)
- Quote: “She drags me to the bathroom and puts my head under the water. ‘If you want to act like a fucking liar, you don’t deserve to have straight hair.’” (21:00)
Running Away and Involvement of CPS: After this incident, Ari runs away for the first time. Child Protective Services and extended family become involved but only a partial escape from the situation was achieved.

6. Navigating Family Estrangement and Loss

Estrangement from Mother: Periods of no contact, manipulation through family rumors, and the continued use of shame to control Ari’s behavior. Ari’s mother discouraged relationships with “undesirable” friends and made it difficult to form independent connections.
Loss and Grief: Ari recounts the complexity of the death of their biological father and the emotional whiplash of how their mother handled moments of grief (shopping at the mall immediately after the funeral).
Sibling Relationships: Ari finds solace in a strong bond with their brother, describing him as “my person,” a lifeline and source of validation through turbulent family dynamics.
- Quote: “My brother, he’s always made me feel like I was nothing less than his blood sister. If he could give me his blood, he literally would.” (53:01)

7. Money, Value, and Independence

Abuse and Financial Manipulation: Ari’s mother prioritized financial security and status over emotional health, culminating in taking control of Ari’s disability back pay for personal cosmetic surgery rather than basic needs (29:13).
Breakaway Attempts: Each time Ari moved out or tried to escape the family, similar controlling and exploitative dynamics recurred, even in relationships outside the home.

8. The Ongoing Path to Healing

Reflection and Self-Awareness: Ari acknowledges the long process of unlearning survival-based approaches to love, moving toward self-acceptance, knowing “I am so much more than what I could have been.” (71:14)
Non-binary Identity and Moving Forward: Ari is now out as non-binary and rebuilding a life based on their own values, striving for peace, and ending relationships that require them to beg for love.
- Quote: “I feel like for the first time in my entire life, I don’t have a relationship with anybody that I’m begging to love.” (58:43)
Struggles with Forgiveness: Ari openly discusses difficulty forgiving their mother and older generations, recognizing that real healing doesn’t mean forced contact or reconciliation.
Bittersweet Feelings: “Now that I’m growing up...it’s so bittersweet. And I think what scares me is to not care at all. Crazy enough. I think it scares me to feel absolutely nothing.” (65:42)
Support from Chosen Family: Ari’s current healthy relationship and supportive partners’ family offer a sense of acceptance long denied at home.

9. Devorah’s Reflections and Community Message

Devorah powerfully echoes Ari’s struggles with societal and parental “image” and reaffirms that blood ties aren’t required for real family or acceptance.
- Quote: “Growing up, I was always taught, like, blood is thicker than water, but I don’t agree with that...You can have the best most family type of relationships with people you have absolutely no blood relation to.” (54:11)
Importance of Healing and Sharing: The episode closes on a note about the healing power of sharing stories, normalizing struggle, and validating the courage it takes to move forward after trauma.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Trauma and Image:
“I went from trauma to a household that was built on image. But when you peek through, she was getting beat by her husband, I was sleeping on the floor...It didn’t make sense.” (01:46)
On Coming Out:
“She lectures me for about an hour and tells me how much of a disappointment I am, how I should expect to get bullied by anybody.” (13:38)
On Loss and Grief:
“For me, it’s like...I wish it wasn’t funeral, Victoria’s Secret, you know what I’m saying?” (24:00)
On Financial Manipulation:
“We get the back pay...She paid rent for a couple of months, and then she got her whole body done. She got her entire body done.” (29:13)
On Acceptance and Healing:
“For the first time in my entire life, I don’t have a relationship with anybody that I’m begging to love.” (58:43)
On Chosen Family:
“My brother, he’s always made me feel like I was nothing less than his blood sister. If he could give me his blood, he literally would.” (53:01)
On Wanting Parental Validation:
“Everything good happens, I want to tell her...Sometimes when I’m sad, it’s like, I want to call my mom, but I don’t have that nurturing figure.” (70:14)
On Forgiveness and Moving Forward:
“I want to forgive her, but I’m so...stuck in my way of just not wanting to.” (54:36)
“I know I am so much more than what I could have been. And I’m proud of myself, but I’m also critical of myself at the same time because I know I’m not where I want to be, but I’m so thankful I’m not where I was.” (71:14)

Timeline of Key Segments (Timestamps)

00:28 — Ari introduces their background and the start of family instability
04:53 — Discussion of early gender identity, mother’s obsession with image
07:21 — Homophobia and parental control surface; isolation from queer peers
13:38 — The coming out confrontation and ensuing punishment
16:27 — Escalation: forced therapy, loss of privileges, family shame
21:00 — The Thanksgiving incident and Ari running away
24:22 — CPS involvement and temporary escape to grandmother’s
29:13 — Financial abuse: Ari’s back pay and mother’s spending
39:34 — Ari discusses attempts at healing, the sibling relationship, and first steps toward no contact
54:11 — Devorah on “chosen family” and debunking blood-tie narratives
65:37 — Ari reflects on bittersweet feelings and fear of emotional numbness
70:14 — Healing, growth, and continuing challenges with boundaries and self-forgiveness

Takeaways

Childhood trauma and identity repression can shape survival mechanisms that echo well into adulthood.
The myth of “family above all” can perpetuate harm—sometimes chosen family offers the validation and love blood relatives deny.
True healing is gradual, non-linear, and often involves learning to let go of the need for parental validation.
Openly sharing lived experiences fosters community, challenges collective silence, and can be a vital part of personal and collective healing.

This episode is a searing testament to the strength required to survive and then heal from generational trauma and homophobia. Ari’s story, recounted in their own words and tone, is both raw and hopeful—an invaluable listen (or read) for anyone navigating similar family dynamics, or seeking to better understand the long tail of parental rejection and the power of chosen affirmation.

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Transcript

Devorah (0:00)

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Ari (0:28)

Experian. My name's Ari, and I was adopted by my uncle's ex wife because at the time when I was born, my mother was incarcerated and my father was strung out. This led to a lot of abuse, but ultimately, at 4 on Mother's Day, my uncle's ex wife for this, we're just gonna call her mom. I've always called her mom and my biological mom, I've always referred to her by name as Victoria. So when I first came into the home, I had a lot of trauma. I had a lot of abandonment issues, a lot of starving issues. Starving issues. I had problems with eating due to being homeless when I was a kid. So there was a lot of things she had to deal with. But her biggest thing in life was image. So I came in already ruining that image, and I came in already stunting with what she had going on. She had two kids when me coming in and a baby on the way. My eldest brother did not live in the home, and I never knew him living in the home, but he always existed. He was always around because he lived with my godmom, but he just did not live with us. He was like a weekend sibling if anything.

Devorah (1:46)

Was she still with your uncle at this time?

Ari (1:48)

No. So when I was born, they were in the process of getting a divorce, but she had his daughter, okay? And that was his only kid, so she had him her on the weekends, okay? And so my mother would come and visit and see me just in different homes or not eating or not having a lot. And on the weekends that she would come pick her up, she'd bring me things, you know, different clothes, a meal, things like that. So I saw her as almost a mother figure because like I said, my mother was in jail. So for the first four years of my life, it was jumping different places, excuse me. And she eventually decided to take custody when my father was incarcerated. And so by then she was, like I said, pregnant with my youngest sister and was dating a Dude, that we'll get into once we get into that. But she was dating probably the most impactful man of my childhood. I guess you could say not in a positive way, but so, yeah. So when I first got there, there was intensive therapies, mental institutions, different things to try regulate my emotions and figure out what was wrong with me. But at the end of the day for me, I went from trauma to a household that was built on image. But when you peek through, she was getting beat by her husband, I was sleeping on the floor. There were not things that were. They didn't coincide. It didn't make sense. So right around middle school, that's when her ex husband went to jail. And so she had my little sister and we moved in with my grandfather and he was no better. But that's not my story to tell. My older siblings have a lot they could say, but like I said, that's not my story to tell. I didn't experience that from him. However, the downfall I was there for, we had to move out very abruptly. We had to go to police stations and get interrogated and have multiple questions get asked. And then she dropped us off right back at school like everything was normal, everything was okay. We couldn't say anything at the time. When we moved out, he was paying all our bills. We just could not live with him. She was working for him and doing all of that and justifying his actions for making sure that we were okay. He provides for us. And from then on, I learned that money and providing for us financially was what mattered.

Ari (4:53)

When we lived with my grandfather, like I said, I was young, so I was oblivious to a lot going on. So post living with him, that's when I hit about the fourth grade. Mind you, when I lived in his house, we also went to private school, so everything was very much so for me, different. I feel like private school and public school was a drastic change, especially when it came to my image. Yeah, it was easier to hold it together and easier to go about everything when it was like everybody just everybody was great. Everything was fine. And then I hit fourth grade. Any friend I had, she didn't like anything I tried to wear. She hated. Because ever since I was little, I've always been a tomboy. That's always been me. I like the plaid shorts, I liked the T shirts. Basic clothes. Yeah. But for her, my older sister's wearing pageants. They danced growing up. They do the modeling. They love all of that. And my mother doted on that. And like I said, my brother never lived with us. But me and my brother, I feel like, were very much so the same. So whenever he came around, it felt like I had somebody who was like me. And I feel like that caused us to have our own. Till this date, I don't want to say trauma bond, but we connect on a level that I feel like me and my sisters don't connect on because I can still call him. And he gets it. He'll always get it. But my sisters, I feel like she groomed them for the appearance. She groomed them to fit her image so that regardless, she had her two perfect kids. And I love my sisters. I love my sisters to death, but I feel like they have their own journey with my mother, and I have my own journey with my mother. So like I said, fifth grade comes around, middle school comes around, and that's when I get more friends. That's when my best friend tells me her moms are moms, her moms are lesbians. And for my whole life, I have been in therapy. So I tell my mom in therapy one day, like, hey, my best friend has two moms. I want to go to her house. Because it was always a thing. She never liked my friends, never wanted me to go to anybody's houses or do anything.

Ari (7:51)

Because at this time, I still very much so ate, breathed, shat. Anything involving her. It was my mother. I had abandoned my issues. I was attached to her hip. That was the pinnacle, because she always told me she saved me, me, if it wasn't for her, essentially, God put her on this earth to save me. So as a kid and growing up, it's like I held on to that. That was it for me. You can't leave. You can't go anywhere. And I think she used that as a crutch. She would leave for days at a time. She would get mad and just not show up. And it's like for me, when I came to her with that, it was already knowing how she felt about being gay, already knowing how she felt about that. But it was like this was my best friend for years and years. And it was like, I'm trying to actually go to her house, have a. I'm. I'm in therapy. Asking you to have a sleepover. Completely shut it down. I mean, at the time, as a kid, I wasn't understanding and I basically was like, you're racist to gay people. That's what I said. Not homophobia. Just didn't. Didn't click to me. And that made her so mad that, that infuriated her, but it didn't change her stance. She. She stuck to the guns, yelled at me in front of the therapist, and we went home and that was it. Wasn't allowed to speak on the girl, about the girl, to the girl or anything all of middle school. So middle school ends. And what made me decide to come out to her was her. My youngest sister's dad gets out of prison. And the thing about that was when I came into the home, I came into an abusive home. It wasn't like I was coming into even a single parent household. I would have preferred that. But I'm coming into chaos. And not only is it chaos, I'm watching the human being that I put on this high pedestal get choked out or get a knife pulled out on her. But in turn, she's kind of doing the same thing to me. So the whole situation just confused me. But when he got out, I was triggered. I found out in school, cried to my math teacher. It was a whole thing. I come home, she's on the couch, and she just lets me know. She can't explain it. It's chemistry. Like, she can't justify it. She can't understand it herself. She just knows it's chemistry and she just knows that that is where she wants to be. I'm crying at this point. I'm bawling my eyes out. Scared, terrified of this man. Do not want him anywhere around anything. Because we would, we would even go see him in jail. And my thing is, as a kid, that was. That was scary. But to know that the man that I was taught to fear were just around all the time, like it's normal, just for me was confusing. So a couple weeks go by from that day, and I just let her know, actually, no, I was in trouble that week. And my oldest sister was in trouble as well. And the thing about it was, my mom had places for each of us to go when we made her mad. So my oldest brother, it worked. He ultimately ended up at my godmom's house. My oldest sister it was fat camp. She always went about her weight and who she was. Until this day, she still will go to a restaurant and count calories. With my younger sister, it was the hospital. With me, it was my biological parents. My sister was in trouble, and so she was a grade before me. So it was her sophomore year, and it was about to be summertime. And so my mom, her newest thing was fat camp. You got to go to fat camp. You're overweight. And my sister never was. Until this day, she is not. And we both internalized our eating disorders differently. She will control it with her calorie intake, and I will control it with how long. I can feel like I have enough energy and power to sustain not eating. I feel like there's a power in not eating. And I think it goes back to her and our dynamic with food, honestly. But me and my sister were both at the same school, and she saw me holding hands with the girl I liked at the time. And in my head, we're both in trouble. You want to be the Lester in trouble? You're going to out me now. Bad way of thinking. But as a kid, we wouldn't want to be in trouble alone. We would at least want one of the other two siblings to be with us, because my mom would be insane. So I, by the end of the day, I call her on some random girl's phone. Now we're best friends. She is my best friend in this world. But at the time, I had no idea who she was. I just did not have a phone freshman year. And I said, hey, I'm trying to get picked up. Can I use your phone to call? My mom didn't even ask about the ride. I just said, hey, mom, you're right. Because, you know, growing up, she always told me I was going to be gay. I can't like girls, all that. So I just said, you're right. Hangs up the phone. That's it. My heart raced so fast, I regretted it, but I couldn't take it back. Now, mind you, I should have done it when she wasn't mad at anybody. Maybe when she was at her happiest. But I just. So I get home and she sits down and she lectures me for about an hour and tells me how much of a disappointment I am, how I should expect to get bullied by anybody.

Devorah (14:22)

Yeah. Hi guys, it's me, Devorah. I am so excited to finally share this with you all. I've officially launched a new subscription channel called We're All Insane plus where inside you will get access to never before heard bonus episodes, all podcast episodes, completely commercial free. And my brand new show We're All Healing where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors and healers to talk about how we actually process pain, reconnect with our true selves and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to We're All Insane plus in app on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or you can head over to we're all insane.com to learn more. Hi guys, it's me, D'. Vora. The we're All Insane merch store is officially open. I've been working so hard on this line and really made it with you in mind and I am so so excited. We have totes tumblers, sweatshirts and my personal favorite, the crew necks with the matching sweatpants. And let me just tell you, they are so comfortable and so soft. It is my favorite thing to wear and the colors are so cute. This is my very first launch and we only printed a limited amount so once it is gone, it's gone. So make sure you head to we're all insane.com and grab yours today. You can do all the therapy, all the breath work and all the journaling, but if your body is running on empty, you feel it. Low energy burnout, that wired but tired feeling. That's why I started taking Mito Pure gummies. They support your cellular energy, basically helping you recharge the power centers inside your cells, which is huge when your nervous system has been through it. I think of it like this. Trauma drains your internal battery. This helps you recharge it, steadier energy, better recovery and feeling more resilient day to day without adding another pill to your life. They're clean, sugar free, vegan and honestly one of the only wellness habits I actually look. So don't let another year go by feeling depleted. You can get 30% off your first month of might appear gummies@timeline.com insane30 that's timeline.com insane30 while the offer lasts.

Ari (24:24)

So CPS gets involved. And at first I'm thinking, okay, this is my chance. I just want to get out of my house. So when I'm talking to them, I'm not telling them about the years of abuse and we're only scratching the surface. I'm just telling them I came out and she doesn't like me. So for them, I think they saw a 16 year old who couldn't be with their girlfriend. They didn't treat me like that, but they treated me like that, you know what I'm saying? But I think after hearing stories from other people, my God, mom, my grandma, maybe my older sister, they temporarily put me into my grandma's home. And so I stayed there. And in all of this I learned that I was never legally adopted. She only had legal guardianship. So when CPS got involved and everything was everything, my her ex husband reached out to his brother, which was my father, and he called me. And so I was there for about two months and we spoke every single day. And I think that's the first time I've ever talked to somebody and like, understood or like, got it, you know, and sorry, you take your time. He passed away and I knew, I knew this was the only part I was going to be sad about, but he. I felt like I didn't have to try for his love. Every phone call, I just knew, I just got it. But in the midst of all that, I was at my grandmother's house and I didn't know anything. I had all these different rules and it was a different environment and I didn't have my siblings, so I wanted to go back home crazy enough. And my mom is like, well, if you want to come home, tell CPS for your birthday, you can come home. Like, I'll have that be your birthday gift. Like she was making it like, like some big deal to make my birthday, you know, the day I come home. And that's her gift to me. And so as a kid, I always knew that my biological mother was the abuse and my father was just an addict. Like anything, he was an addict. That's it. That's all. So when speaking to him, because they were still together, when speaking to him, it was always a, I don't want to speak to her, I don't want to deal with Her. I don't want to talk to her. No, thank you. One day I get a call from her, and I was mad. I blamed him. And I. When I get upset, I don't like to talk about it. I feel like if I talk about it, you're either one, not going to respond the way I want you to respond, or two, you're not going to care enough, so I'm wasting my time. So in turn, I go silent, and I went silent. So I went home. And two months later, he passed away. And so she's sitting me down and she tells me all that we're planning for his funeral. We go to his funeral right after we're shopping. There was like. I feel like everything was so quick about it, but I can remember shopping. I can remember going to Springfield Mall. I can remember all of that. And for me, it's like. I don't know if that's how she wanted it to be, but that's not how I wanted it to be. I don't know how I wanted it to be. But looking back, I wish it wasn't funeral. Victoria's Secret, you know what I'm saying? I wish it was a. You just saw your biological mother in person for the first time and watched me and her get into it. Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to go and decompress? Do you want to go somewhere and just be with me? You know, it was a, let's go in public, spend some money, do some sub stuff, and buy you stuff you don't even want. You know what I'm saying? So once he passed away, everything was kind of. Was. Everything kind of floated for a couple months. She ran my grandfather's business, but she ran it into the ground. He filed bankruptcy, and amidst all that, he got kidney failure, and so he was in the hospital, and he ultimately ended up passing away on Mother's Day, which, now that I'm talking about it, it's crazy how a lot of things in her life happen on Mother's Day. Me being adopted, her father passing away. Like, things happen, and it's like. I don't know if it's. To shed light on. Maybe you shouldn't celebrate Mother's Day. You haven't earned that or what. But I feel like. Give me a sec. You're okay.

Ari (29:15)

Yeah. Okay. So when he passed away, there was a big divide. It was my older siblings and my youngest, me and my little sister. My little sister. I love her, and I wish I could shelter her for the rest of my life. But she's 23 now. And my grandfather has never been a good human, but she didn't know that. And it's taken her a long time to learn that. So at the time, that was her favorite person ever. When he passed away, it was the end of the world. But when he passed away from my older sister, it was probably a breath of fresh air, you know what I'm saying? They had different. So we went to West Virginia. Winter's funeral, did all that. Just me, my little sister, my mom came back, and my older sister moved out. And when my older sister moved out, I think that's when everything got harder. And I think that's when I realized stress caused me to not eat. Because for a long time it was the three of us. And it was always the three of us, no matter what. Even if my mom was mad, like we were cool. And sometimes my mom would be too crazy and one of us would start crying and it would work, you know what I'm saying? Like, we had each other's back. So when she left, I. I felt like, what's happening? She's gone, My grandfather's gone. My mom is ubering to pay for a $2,800 a month house that she can't sustain. And if she's not ubering, she's in her in a room sleep. So I don't know what to do in. Amidst all that, we're still arguing. We still don't see. You don't like me, and I adore the ground you walk on. When I, up until 17, 18, I literally could not speak anything about my mother that was not of love and light and compassion, because I felt like if I went against that, something bad was gonna, like something not good could come from that. But it's also like, I can't just be silent because she is not silent. And we'll get into that. But yeah, so when the downfall of that, then I got a job, and it was my first job, but she wasn't making a lot of money either. So both of our checks were going into rent or going into the house. I was giving her my checks. And while we figured all that out, we figured out that my father, he was getting disability. And because I was never adopted or I don't really know how the ins and outs of that went at the time. All I know is I got the back pay. And up Until I got 18, up until I was 18, I got, you know, some money. So the back pay was $2,500. So we get the back pay. And I don't even know how much $25,000 is. I'm like, okay, can we pay rent for this month, maybe next month, and buy some groceries? She paid rent for a couple of months, and then she got her whole. She got her whole body done. She got her entire body done. And at the time, as a kid, it was like, I just. I was just happy. She was happy. I was just happy. Things were good on the up and up. But it's like going into school that year, I was crying to my counselor because I didn't know how I was going to not be at home post graduation. You know what I'm saying? Because I didn't have the concept that $25,000 was a lot of money because she blew it so fast. She wasn't teaching me that. That was a lot of money. She wasn't teaching me anything about it because nobody was gonna see it. It was gone before it touched anybody's hands. And I feel like that was her main thing when it came to me. I feel like with my older and younger sister, it was, find a rich guy, marry a rich guy, marry the richest, richest dude, and if you love him, great, fine. But you guys are pretty, and use that. But for me, once I got into the. Okay, we know you're not going to tap into your femininity. Femininity the way you want to. You have to be in a tax bracket. And if you're not in a tax bracket, I don't care about you the way that, you know, I could. So once I was getting that money and once I was doing my job, everything was going okay, going good. But in the back end, I had a girlfriend, and she was in college. So when she came home from college, I would.

Ari (33:50)

She knew, but she didn't know I was sneaking to see her, and she didn't know I was doing everything. Because the crazy thing is, when she needed the girlfriend at the time, she would use her so to pick up my little sister from school if she didn't have somebody, hey, can your girlfriend do this? Or so she knew, but she didn't know the extra times we were hanging out. So one day, she was on the way to West Virginia with my little sister, and I told her that I had to work, I think, like a night shift and then a morning shift, so I couldn't go to West Virginia. But my girlfriend was home from spring break at the time, so she was going to Pick me up, take me home, do all the things. I didn't have to work that weekend. So for me, I just had the full weekend. You were going to stay at the crib. Everything was going to be Kumbaya. Things were going to be cool. So I have my mom's location, and my mom is on the way home, and my little sister's texting me, like, hey, we're gonna stop by the job. Say, hey, blah, blah, blah. We came home early. I'm scrambling because we're at home. I don't live far. We get there, I'm in full uniform. Yes, it was bad to go through this much lace to lie, but at that point, I was in it, and I was in it. So I went into work, and then I went into the bathroom, and I walked out like I was leaving. So as they were walking in, it was like, I got cut early. I'm leaving. Oh, my goodness. No. My mom saw right through that. So she said, give me your phone. No, you're not. You're not taking my phone. This is crazy. We're not doing all that. And so I worked at Cracker Barrel at the time. We were in the dining area. She gets up and she starts, like, towards me, almost like she's not. Like she's gonna come at me, but I flinch. Very easy. So I immediately just run. And I'm running out of the merchandising area into the parking lot. The girl I'm with at the time, she's in her car, and I'm like, open your door. Open your door. I gotta jump in. At this point, my mom tries to grab me from behind and, like, pull me out of the car. And so I just chuck the phone at her, get in the car, and I leave. Now, if you ask her, I left. If you ask me, I don't know. I. I don't. So after we go home or I go to my house, because I'm thinking I'm gonna get there before her. I'm gonna go in, get as much anything that I can get for the night, and I'll. So I did that. We missed her. I went to the girl I was with at the time, and I stayed at her house, and I didn't talk to her. Next thing I know, I'm getting a call from my grandma, and she's asked, like, everybody's asking me if I'm okay. My godmom's checking in on me. My grandma's checking in on me. They're relaying the information back to my mother, but I'm not speaking to my mom. And so she connects with my grandma, packs all my stuff up because while this is happening, she's losing the house. So she lost the house and then moved into a two bedroom and was like, don't let Ari know where I'm at. Don't come get the stuff. So my grandma got all my stuff, brought it to the girl I was dating with at the time's house and was like, have it. Here you go. So I ended up staying with her. And I feel like that was a. I just want to go home. I just want to be with my mom. That relationship was no better. I was giving her every single one of my checks, and she had every appointment scheduled for every week, and I was expected to pay it simultaneously while she was cheating. So I feel like I went into one begging for love situation into another begging for love situation. And it wasn't until about a year into college that my mom called me because my little sister had ran away for the first time. And we started speaking again and we were getting closer and everything was fine, but at the same time, was it fine? She never visited me in college, never knew where I lived. Anytime that I moved out of the city, she was never there. But she would call, I guess. But I think I would split. Like, if we were good, I would split up the calls so I could tell people maybe for a week we're good. Because the next phone call, I don't know how it's gonna be. I don't know if you're gonna like the fact that I have a roommate in the back background who's talking too loud or.

Ari (42:46)

And as when I was younger, I hated the world. I was mad at everything. I was always like, I got two moms and they both don't like me. Woe is me. But as I grew up and as I met other people and friendships changed, dynamics changed. And I saw that, like, it wasn't my fault. Our conversations got less and less. But while our conversations got less and less for her, she blamed me. So she let the entire family know that I was strung out and I was an addict and I was a thief, a liar, homewrecker, a cheater, all these things that I'm not. So I came, I think Easter two years ago, I came to see them, but I ended up getting food poisoning. So I was at the hospital, and I called her, and I was like, hey, like, I'm sorry. You haven't heard from me the past 12 hours. I've been at the hospital. I literally had the ambulance come pick me up. Her first thought is, why are you not, like, why didn't you call me sooner? Like, why? Why not? And I'm like, I literally. This is my first time being not hunched over down bad, horrible. That wasn't okay. I was. Now, mind you, I am California sober. That's it. That is literally it. So for me, I was willing to take whatever drug test she wanted. I was willing to go through whatever loops, whatever holes, whatever bounds, whatever. Anything that she wanted me to go through. Because it was like, anything that you're mad at me for, I can debunk it, and you can love me again. So after Easter, I ended up moving back to the town that we are from. And I was about 10 minutes away from her. I never saw her one time. But we started speaking again slowly, because we would do a thing where we would just fall off and just not speak until one of us just saw each other spoke. So when the icing on the cake was the whole time I was living in her city. You're not speaking to me because you Think I'm strung out. I'm telling you I'll take a drug test. I'm telling you I'm doing this and this. I'm telling you I'm single. Like, I'm not even doing anything that could make you upset in the slightest and you're not seeing me. So we started speaking and her thing was, if you have have all these jobs, who's holding your money, who's managing your money? Now she is at a job where she's making six figures so she feels like she is above and she can manage her money. What she's doing with those six figures is not managing her money. So I did. I lied to her. I told her my God mom was holding my money and helping me manage my money. And so she. And then turn went to my godmom and she told my God mom or asked my God mom that she figured out it was a lie. And my brother was flying in for the week because my brother lives in California now. And anytime my brother comes, I will come. Anytime my brother is around, I'll be around. Even if she's around, I'm coming around because that is my person. So when she found out I lied, she concocted a story and let everybody know that my brother was mad at me. He was gonna confront me. He was gonna get all up in my face because he was mad that I lied to his mother. So if I come to this dinner, I'm in for it. So I didn't go to the dinner. My brother calls me the next day, mad. He's like, bro, where are you? Why haven't I seen you? What are you doing? I'm at this point in tears because I'm easily triggered when it comes to them. So I'm like, you were mad at me. I didn't want to this, this. That none of it was true. So I texted my mom and I'm like, hey, like, this is why I don't want to have a relationship with you. This is why I can't do this. Instantly starts going in on me, telling me I'm a low life, telling me I'm not gonna amount to anything, telling me she's washed her hands with me and she's no longer my mother. And if she can walk this life without a mother, because like I said, she's not speaking to her mom, then I'm. I'm just fine by doing it, and I'm just fine by being that. And for me, I was mad. And like I said, we were low blowing and I'm like, you've always hated me for liking girls, but you're in love with a man who beats you. Your father is a horrible man. All this and this. And like I said, she just chalked it up to, I'm talking from a place of anger, and she will pray for me. And since then, I saw her one time before I moved down to North Carolina, and she acted like I was a complete stranger. Hasn't asked about how I am, hasn't asked about my whereabouts, my life, my anything. And for me, it hurt. And I feel like a part of it still hurts, but it's like I'm, one, I'm with somebody I'm completely fulfilled by. And two, her mom asking about my day. Something so little is like, okay, if you can do it. She just doesn't want to do it. Has nothing to do with me. Has nothing to do with anything. She just doesn't care to want to do it. Yeah.