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I Accidentally Paralyzed My Dad

We're All Insane

Mon Jan 19 2026

Summary

Podcast Summary: “Ran Over and Disabled My Dad”

Podcast: We’re All Insane
Host: Devorah Roloff
Guest: Courtney Klein
Date: January 19, 2026

Episode Overview

This deeply personal episode features Courtney Klein sharing the life-altering story of accidentally running over her own father as a teenager, an event that left him permanently disabled. The episode explores not only the trauma of the accident and its aftermath—including her father’s addiction, depression, and a family unraveling—but also Courtney’s journey toward healing from guilt, loss, and the generational impact of unprocessed pain. Through raw honesty, Courtney reflects on how trauma can shape identity, the struggle to redefine herself as a woman and mother, and ultimately, how both she and her father found redemption and a new sense of self.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Childhood and Family Background

Timestamp: 00:00–04:18

Courtney describes a happy childhood in rural West Virginia with a fun-loving dad who was beloved by the community (“he’s the dad that likes to give out nicknames, picks on my friends, everyone loves him” [00:21]).
Her father worked as a school custodian and had a zest for adventure.
Sets up childhood as divided between “before the accident” and “after”—a line that would split her sense of self.

2. The Accident: Trauma in an Instant

Timestamp: 04:18–08:24

As a teenager, Courtney, while driving too fast on a narrow rural road in her dad’s truck, nearly collided head-on with her father driving a four-wheeler.
Both panicked; her dad locked the brakes, was thrown from the four-wheeler, severely injured.
“I just remember jumping out of the truck…and running to him…he was not conscious, just very bloody. And I just remember being like, he’s dead. Like I just killed my dad.” ([05:29])
The chaotic aftermath included emergency response, her mother running to the scene, and Courtney’s guilt becoming immediate and overwhelming.

3. Hospitalization, Guilt, and Blame

Timestamp: 08:24–13:44

Her father survived with a broken neck, back, shattered arm, and head injuries; underwent seven surgeries.
“It was like…this realization that it was my fault…. I did this to my dad.” ([09:29])
Courtney describes her struggle with long-lasting guilt even though her father insisted it was not her fault: “He was very much like, I shouldn’t have been…I was going way too fast… but I was 17 dealing with all this, it felt like…we’d be in a very different place.” ([13:09])
Her dad, declared disabled, entered a cycle of pain, addictive pain medication, and drinking.

4. Family Breakdown: Grief, Addiction, Depression

Timestamp: 13:44–24:59

Her mom became the sole provider, her father was homebound, increasingly depressed, and addicted to pain medication and alcohol.
“Addiction and depression just became his identity…it was a very quick downfall, I feel like.” ([15:18])
Living states apart, Courtney grappled with guilt for leaving, and with episodes of her dad’s substance abuse spilling into public and police incidents.

5. Hitting Rock Bottom: Suicide Attempt and Divorce

Timestamp: 19:45–28:04

In 2016, her father, drunk and suicidal, was surrounded by police with a gun to his head at a small-town gas station, narrowly averted tragedy.
“...He decided, I’m going to commit suicide… they finally got him to put his gun down, tackled him,” ([22:02])
He spent Christmas in psychiatric care; her mother finally ended their marriage: “That was her breaking point…I’m not going to be with your dad anymore.” ([24:40])
Courtney, overwhelmed: “Everything was a mess. Nothing was in my control.”

6. Fallout and Courtney’s Caretaking Role

Timestamp: 28:04–38:40

Her father’s spiral worsened: estrangement, substance abuse, lost jobs, living in poverty, further family fracturing, and repeated arrests.
“It really did just feel like it became my responsibility…When he would have a meltdown, I would have to stop everything I was doing and try to talk him off a ledge.” ([28:29])
Simultaneously, her mother started a new relationship, deepening family conflict and emotional strain on Courtney, who was struggling as a young mother herself.

7. Further Crisis: Family, Loss, and Estrangement

Timestamp: 38:40–53:42

Recalls a night receiving a “goodbye” text, believing her dad would kill himself, and calling 911.
A subsequent altercation led to her dad injuring her uncle and being arrested, which also resulted in his beloved dog’s death: “I was like, my dad’s not going to survive this.” ([39:57])
The emotional burden built up, culminating in court dates, moving her father, periods of estrangement with her mother, and feeling caught entirely in the middle.

8. Steps Toward Change and Recovery

Timestamp: 53:42–56:22

After the death of a close family friend (her dad’s best friend), Courtney was forced to bring her divorced parents together for the funeral: “I was at a breaking point. I need to just focus on my life, my kids, my husband. What do I want to do with my life?” ([51:47])
Her father managed two weeks of sobriety—the beginning of real change.
“He did make amends with everybody and kind of tried to say, I’m not going to…I want you to see that change in my life.” ([57:04])

9. Family Reunion and New Normal

Timestamp: 56:22–59:04

Her parents reconciled, remarried by the same pastor on their anniversary.
Courtney experienced relief but struggled adapting to “normalcy” after so many years of chaos: “I had some struggles adapting to the normalcy of it again… I was still holding on to all this trauma.” ([58:09])
Her father remained sober. Physical pain persisted, but he reclaimed his happiness.

10. Processing Guilt & Healing Her Own Identity

Timestamp: 59:04–73:51

Courtney was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety; she entered therapy, but the guilt narrative (“I wrecked my whole family’s life”) persisted.
Subsequent trauma: secondary infertility, two pregnancy losses (including stillbirth at 23 weeks), and deep depression.
“That became my personality. Like, I was just not in a good place mentally, and I hated myself. …I let that, like, define who I was.” ([68:25])
Realized she never wanted her children to feel responsible for her emotional well-being: “I don’t want my kids to feel like they have to heal from me and my issues that I didn’t work through.” ([71:10])

11. Transformation and Growth Through Sharing

Timestamp: 73:51–85:59

Began sharing her story online, lost weight, and found community and healing: “I woke up one day after starting that, and I was like, I’m gonna make a TikTok… My whole life completely changed. Met so many people that could relate.” ([73:52])
Her message: don’t let trauma define you—work through it, get uncomfortable, and pursue healing.
“Whatever the narrative that you’re giving power to…things are going to happen to you, but they don’t define you.” ([75:57])
Both she and her father now have clarity: the accident was not her fault, both have found healing, and her story is now one of resilience and hope.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“I just remember being like, he’s dead. Like, I just killed my dad.” (Courtney, [05:29])
“Addiction and depression just became his identity…it was a very quick downfall, I feel like.” (Courtney, [15:18])
“I don’t want my kids to feel like they have to heal from me and my issues that I didn’t work through.” (Courtney, [71:10])
“You have to get uncomfortable to pull yourself out of that. That’s why it’s so hard. We’re not taught those things.” (Courtney, [79:52])
“Change in perspective and what you’re giving power to determines what your life’s gonna look like.” (Courtney, [82:23])
[On family healing:] “He did make amends with everybody…and showed that change in his life.” (Courtney, [57:04])
“My dad could do anything…now you go and see your dad in a situation like that…just the saddest thing.” (Courtney, [25:07])
“It’s heartbreaking to watch somebody you love go from one version of themselves to another.” (Host, [83:29])
[On forgiveness:] “It’s literally talking about how he forgives his parents because it’s their first time on earth too…you got to have grace.” (Courtney, [85:38])
“Anyone who feels like they’re there, like, you have potential. You can pull yourself out of that.” (Courtney, [83:35])

Important Segments by Timestamp

00:00–04:18 – Childhood memories, family dynamic, dad’s personality
04:18–08:24 – The accident, immediate trauma
08:24–13:44 – Hospital, guilt, family’s medical and financial struggle
13:44–24:59 – Addiction, depression, family separation
22:00–24:59 – Father’s suicide attempt and psychiatric hospitalization
28:04–38:40 – Courtney as caretaker and crisis manager, multiple family meltdowns
38:40–53:42 – Dad’s ongoing spiral, family deaths, further loss
53:42–59:04 – Participating in dad’s recovery, setting boundaries
59:04–73:51 – Counseling, PTSD, more loss, self-rediscovery
73:51–85:59 – Healing journey, sharing story online, advice for listeners

Tone & Takeaways

Courtney’s storytelling is raw, self-aware, and darkly humorous, embracing both the heartbreak and the absurdity of trauma (“He still does it to this day…she hit me with a truck, and nobody knows what to say” [84:30]). The episode moves from shame and guilt to a place of resilience; the tone is compassionate, at times heavy, but ultimately hopeful and motivating. Listeners are left with a message of agency—that no matter how deep the trauma, it is possible to change the narrative, set boundaries, pursue healing, and shape a story not just of survival, but of transformation.

Final Message

“Whatever you’ve been through, don’t let it define you. But I encourage you to get uncomfortable; do that thing that you have felt like is far out of reach…because you could change the whole course of your life.”
—Courtney Klein ([80:19])

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Transcript

A (0:00)

My name is Courtney Klein. I have been married for 14 years. We have three kids here, two in heaven. My husband owns a business. And I am getting used to saying this, but I'm a content creator. I love it. Yeah. So I am here to share my story about an accident that happened with my dad when I was younger that shifted both of our lives. And then how I feel like I have used that trauma to shape my life moving forward. So little backstory about my family. My dad is, like, the goofiest dad. He just always had that, like, contagious personality. Anytime my friends were over, he's like the. He's like the dad that, like, gives them nicknames, picks on them. They're always like, act like he's annoying, but, like, you know, everybody loves him. He was a custodian at a local middle school. And, like, I remember going to work with him, and, like, he'd walk in and, like, all the kids, if they were in the cafeteria or whatever, just freak out because they loved him so much. So we had a. Like, I feel like I had a good childhood. Like, we did. My parents did the best with what they had. That's kind of, you know, where we were at. And I was always a daddy's girl. So, like, I specifically remember one time my mom told my dad to take me back to the. To the bedroom to spank my butt. They were. We were spanking family. You know, better. You do better, but, okay.

B (1:34)

We turned around.

A (1:36)

I remember her telling him to take me back there and spank me. I had done something. I can't remember what it was, but I remember he, like, took me back there, had his belt, and was like, pretend to cry, and he, like, smacked the belt with his. Smack the bed with his belt. Like, that was my dad. Like, he couldn't. There was no way. Like, that's how. So we didn't have a very big family. I had one brother and, you know, just a good childhood. So I feel like my dad's like, there's, like, two memories, you know, like, there's two separate time frames. It's like my dad before the accident, my dad after the accident. And it's. It's kind of like my. My childhood's, like, split into, if that makes sense. So I had my license. It had my license for a little while. And my dad had this big truck that I loved. Like, I thought I was so cool in that truck. Like, my friends would get in the truck with me. So we were. I grew up in West Virginia, closer to Kentucky. Most of Your roads are like back roads. You've got to pull over to the side to let another car through. So that's how my neighborhood road was. Had some blind spots in it. I was driving around with my friends in the truck and we were going to meet our boyfriends, but we had to run home first. And I remember like, you know, I'm in a hurry, like you gotta run home real fast. And like I just was like always on the go. So I was going a little too fast on our one lane road. And my dad, we had a huge hill behind our house. So when he mowed the grass, it was like with a four wheeler with a mowing deck attached to the back. So he would do that. It was a Friday, he's mowing the grass, drink a couple beers. That was like a normal thing for him to do. And then before he would put the four wheeler up, he would do detached the mowing deck. And like he used to ride dirt bikes, go super fast. Like he loved that. So he'd turn his hat backwards and he'd take off down the road a couple times on the four wheeler. So our timing was just not great. He was coming up where there was a blind spot and I met him right there. So it's always like, we were always kind of unsure, like, did I tip the four wheeler or did it? Was it just where he locked up the brakes? Because we met each other. If our timing had been a tad bit worse, we would have hit head on for sure.

A (5:29)

But like I knew that that was my dad. So I remember like jumping out of the truck and didn't put the Truck in park. That's how, like, shook up I was and had to, like, jump back in the truck and put it in park. And then, like, we ran to him and he was. I don't even know how far. Like, you just wouldn't even believe how far. He was thrown. He wasn't wearing a helmet. So he was laying in a field back behind where my truck was, and he was facing up. I'll never forget what he looked like. He was on his back facing up. He was not conscious, just very bloody. And I just remember being like, he's dead. Like, I just killed my dad. Like, I remember that thought so vividly, like, looking at him, like, he's definitely dead. Like, his mouth was open. He just was, like, laying there, not moving. So the whole. That whole period was, like, very blurry. I think the neighbor saw it happen. That was, like, towards the end of the road and they called 91 1. And I just kept saying, like, he's dead. Like, he's dead. And I don't like it. Just like, when you're in that, it's like, you don't know. I also was, like, 17, like, don't know to, like, go and check for a pulse or, like, I remember my friend being, like, physically sick from looking at him beside him. Like, she was physically sick. So I remember, like, it was all just a rush and thinking, like, how am I gonna tell my mom? I was thinking, my mom was at work. And that was, like, the biggest confusing thing. And now looking back, I'm like, well, I was in shock for sure. But, like, the most confusing thing was, like, how do I. I gotta call my mom. Where she at? Like, and she happened to be home. She had started dinner already, and he was using her keys for the four wheeler, so she couldn't get in her car because he had her keys. So I just remember her, like, running down the road. And we were not close to my house, so it was like the neighbor must have called 911 and then called her. And I don't. It just, like, when your body's in that state. I just remember looking at me like, how did my mom get here? Like, just was so confused. I don't even remember how I got to the hospital, but I do remember them all the ambulances coming. There were multiple ambulances for some reason. And I remember a Paramount paramedic yelling like, I have his pulse. And I was like, my dad's not dead. Like, and it never occurred to me that, like, I should go over and, like. Like, I know I Like, kneeled beside him, but, like, I couldn't tell he.

A (8:26)

Yeah. And he just looked so terrible that, like, your body is just, like, in this panic, right? That. Yeah. You don't do what you think you would do in a situation like that. So I don't remember how I got to the hospital, but I know that when we were there, like, there were so many. All of our friends and family were all in the waiting room, and my mom had rode with him on the ambulance, and so we were just waiting for her to come out and, like, give us some type of update. So she did. I remember her coming out and saying, he has a broken neck, a broken back. He shattered his elbow and then also broke this bone in two places and this bone. So his arm was just destroyed. He had a concussion. He was very bruised, very scraped up. I think he hit his head in multiple places because that's probably where the blood was coming from. That's why he was so bloody. And I just, like. I remember my mom saying that and then me being like, he broke his neck. Like, broke his back. Like, life's never gonna look the same. And then I remember sitting down, and it was like, this realization that it was my fault. Like, I can't even picture it now. Like, where everybody was sitting, my friends were on the sides of me, and I, like, sat down in the chair, and everybody's kind of talking, and it was like, I just saw sunk into that chair and was like, I did this to my dad. Like, this is my fault because I was driving too fast. Why did I have to be in his truck? Why did I have to be like. And it was like, at that point, I was like, I just wanted to leave. Like, I just wanted to disassociate. And, like, you know, I'd never experienced something like that before. So I feel like I. Once I had that realization. I struggled with that for a long time. Like, that that was my fault. So he went on to have seven surgeries, reconstructive surgeries to his arm. When you shatter your elbow to get your arm to work, like, they've got to do a lot of things. So he had just, like, the same incision over and over again. So when you have surgeries like that and you've got an injury that bad, they're giving you pain pills constantly. So my dad was already, like, a drinker, but at that point, they declared him, like, officially declared him disabled, so he was no longer working anymore. And, you know, like, I'm still Like a teenager watching my dad go through this. Like, my dad can't work anymore. My dad is constantly recovering from surgeries and, like, kind of holding that in. That, like, I did that. Like, that's my fault. I did that. So he had nerve damage from all the surgeries. Like, every time they would do a surgery, it was like a known thing. Like, that's going to cause you more nerve damage, but we have to fix your arm. You either don't have function in your arm or you have nerve damage. And it was just like a kind of a doom and gloom kind of thing. I can't imagine now that I'm an adult, like, being in that position and having a doctor say that constantly, like, this is where you're at. This is your life. There's no, you're not gonna have full function of your arm like that anymore. So he was in constant pain. Just the nerve pain. Just. I remember that so vividly. Like, he just complained all the time that he was in pain. Like, it didn't matter what you did. His arm hurt. And my mom was always taking care of him recovering from the surgeries. So he would drink to help the pain. And then he also had the pain pills that they were constantly giving him to help the pain. So he. Like, I don't even know how long it took, but he quickly became addicted to pain pills after that. And I mean, I feel like that's such a common story that somebody has a surgery, they have a back injury, they have this, they have that and pain people, you know, doctors are prescribing them pain pills because that's what you do. And. And they get addicted to pain pills. Yeah. Like, very fast.

A (16:59)

Yes. Like, you just. And. And you're in pain constantly. Just you. Yeah. So it started to get to a point where, like, you know, I'm five hours away, but my friends, my brothers friends, there would be incidents where they would call me and be like, listen, I just saw your dad and he's passed out in the Wendy's parking lot. Like, it was to that point where he was drinking so much, mixing alcohol with pain pills and driving. He'd be out doing something, trying to get out of the house. And my mom would be at work and I'd be like, I don't know what to do. I'm five hours away. Like, can you get him? I remember a specific time where a friend that I went to high school with didn't talk too much after that. She called and was like, I know this is super random. I know that you live in Maryland now. I don't know what to do. But your dad, like. And that was one of the friends that my dad would like, joke with. So they were like, oh my gosh, it's Larry. Like, yeah, he's. And I remember them like, trying to help him, get him in the car, get him back home, called my brother. My brother had to have his friend drive him to go get his truck. It was just like one thing after another like that where he just, he had completely lost himself and was just on a downward spiral. And I think my mom was hiding how bad it was from me too, because I wasn't there to see it because, you know, now that I'm older and we've talked about it a lot, it's like she would say she would come home and he'd be passed out in the bathroom and she'd come home from work and just find him in the bathroom and he would be sick from drinking or, you know. So we eventually. My husband's an entrepreneur, so he started a new business and we moved to Ohio. So we were much closer to my family at this point. I had a three year old and a toddler, so I was like trying to raise my own family coming into being a mom. And we were now an hour and a half from my family, which was a good thing because we had never lived that close to them before and they were excited about that.

A (19:47)

Yeah. And it's like, when you. You finally start to feel good again, it's like, well, we have another surgery and start over. Yeah. So it's like he just couldn't get ahead, I feel like. Yeah, he just couldn't, like. And he didn't really have anybody in his corner beyond my mom. Like, my mom's just trying to do. She's just trying to get through the day. She's got to pay the bills. She's got to, you know, she's got to go to work. She's got to keep up with what she's got going on. And my brother, he's my older brother. He had his own life, too. And then here I had moved away, and we don't have a huge family. We have, you know, he has a sister. At the time, they were very close, but she can only do so much, too, you know? So flash forward to December of 2016. I think he was kind of past the surgeries at that point. My youngest was two at the time. We were living in Ohio. I got a phone call. I actually had multiple phone calls. I remember laying down to take a nap with the kids. And I woke up, and my phone had just been blown, like, just blowing up. And I don't even remember who I chose to call back first. And before I could even finish anything, my mom was calling me again, and she said that something had happened. She needed me to remain calm because she's gonna need somebody. And I remember, like, my heart sinking into my stomach, like, he's gotten into a drunk accident or something like that. Like, never would I have guessed that this was the situation. But above our house was a. Is a gas station. We're like, you know, I grew up in a small town. You cannot go to that gas station and not see everyone you went to high school with. And my brother worked there on and off. He currently works there now. And my dad had went up there, I think, to get alcohol. He must have been drunk when he got there. And he went in. He Bought what he wanted to buy. He went back out to his truck. I'm not sure what was going through his mind, but he must have been in the middle of a breakdown, and he decided, I'm going to commit suicide. So he had his gun in his truck, and he had his gun to his head and was sitting there maybe crying with his gun to his head. And the people in the gas station, they all know him. Like, you know everybody when you go in there and they saw him. So they called the police. The police came, and my dad was so drunk that they were telling him to put his gun down, and he wouldn't put his gun down, and he wouldn't get out of his truck. So here there's lots of police surrounding his truck. They have their guns drawn on him because he won't put his gun down, and they don't know what he's going to do. And they finally got him to put his gun down. They tackled him, they arrested him, they told him and my mom, he either can go to jail and be charged for a lot of things, or you can admit him to the local psychiatric hospital for a week to be evaluated. And my mom didn't want him to have. Have a bunch of charges, so she admitted him to the psychiatric hospital. He was so mad at her. And that was like, three days before Christmas. So he was in the psychiatric hospital for Christmas. My mom was alone. We weren't spending Christmas with my family that year. We were in Maryland. So we were. It just was like, you just feel so hopeless, like, helpless. Like, you're just like, what it. Like my whole life looks different now. And there's no. Like, you can't get in somebody's thoughts. You can't. Like, it's like, my dad's in a hospital. It's like, what were you thinking? Why would you do that? Now looking back, I'm like, he was so miserable. Yeah, like, he just was so miserable. So I was completely heartbroken. My mom was completely heartbroken. And little did I know my mom had just been dealing with this for so long that she. That was her breaking point. And I didn't realize that that's where they were at, but that was it. Like, that was the cherry on top. My mom was done. So towards the end of that week, my mom started getting kind of, like, acting kind of weird when I would talk to her, to try to check in with her. And she finally was like, I'm not going to be with your dad anymore. And I just remember being like, what is happening?

A (25:08)

Yeah. So she had made up her mind. She was done. And I just felt like everything was a mess. Nothing was in my control. And that was kind of the start of me being, like, very emotional. This is all happening. I don't know what to do. And my husband being like, we have our own life. Like, we have. You have two kids that are depending on you. Like, we're trying to live our own life. You cannot get wrapped up in this. But I think that from that trauma, like, I felt like this was my fault, and I was, like, holding on to that. Like, had my dad not had an accident, he wouldn't have been where he was. Like, I was, like, clinging to that. I don't think I ever vocalized it at that point, but, like, I felt responsible for where they were. So it was like my mom's life was imploding. My dad's life was, and it felt like it was my fault. So when he got home from the hospital, my mom told him, like, you need to find somewhere else to live, because I'm done. He was a mess. He was not okay. So he moved in with his mom until he could find an apartment. When he did get an apartment, I remember going there, and it was just, you know, he's living off of a disability check. That's it. Yeah. They're not together, so he's. He doesn't have. You know, they're splitting everything up. His apartment was like a hole in the wall. The ceiling was falling down. It was just the saddest thing to, like, you know, you go and, like, your dad is like. You know, for some people, my dad was, like, hung the moon. Like, just. My dad could do anything. He was this strong dad. It needed fixed. My dad was gonna fix it. No matter what would happen, my dad was gonna pull through, get it done. And then you go and see your dad in a situation like that, he's, like, living in this rundown hole in the wall. And he's crying constantly. He's drunk half the time. It just was like, such a defeating thing to feel and go through, because it's like, I want my dad. I want to help my dad get better, but. But it's also not my responsibility to take care of him. Yeah. And so I was just in this battle like that all the time. Just, what is my responsibility? Where do I draw a boundary? And I was young. I was a young mom. Like, I didn't know how to set boundaries for myself at that point. Like, I was learning as I went, and everything I did, marriage, like, I was trying to just figure it out by the seat of my pants. That's where I was at.

A (28:35)

It's so tough. Yeah. So it got to the point where my mom and him were not speaking. He was living in the apartment by himself. I'm living, like, an hour away. He was drinking himself to death, finding pills on the street. At that point, he was done with surgeries. They weren't giving him any more pain medicine. He'd go to the doctor, say he was in pain, and they're like, this is where you're at. We're not. We can't give you anything else. So he started finding people to buy pills from. And it really did just feel like it became my responsibility. When he would have a meltdown, I would have to stop everything I was doing and try to talk him off of a ledge. That's how it felt all the time. Just. I would have voicemails where he's just drunk babbling, you know, just was like, this is not how things are supposed to be. This is not. And then it started to put a strain on my marriage at the same time, because Matt would be like, you have to step back. Like, you've got to step back. And, like, this is not your problem to solve. He's a grown man. Like, you have kids that you have. We have a life here. And it was like this fight of, like, that's my dad, though. Like, it's my dad. I can't just, like, I can't just say, figure it out and walk away. So I feel like I truly believed, like, he was in the state that he was in because of me. And so I kept on trying to fix his problems, trying to be a mediator between my mom and him. It would be like, you know, my daughter's birthday and I would come to have a birthday party. It would be like, you guys gonna be in the same place? Like, are we gonna be able to do this? Because they weren't speaking to each other. And looking back now. My mom was setting a boundary for herself. She was like, I have to separate myself from you because this is not. This isn't going well. So she actually. So my dad is my dad, but my brother has a different dad. My mom had gotten pregnant when she was a senior in high school. He never had anything to do with my brother. My dad met my mom when she was pregnant. So he's been there for my brother's entire life. So if you ask my. My brother, my dad is his dad, you know. But she actually reconnected with my brother's biological dad and started dating him after she got a divorce from my dad. And that was hard. So in the midst of my dad just completely breaking down, my mom has moved my brother's biological dad into our family home where my dad was. And I did not like him. I did not get along with him. I got creepy vibes from him. Still to this day, I was die on that hill. It just was not right. Like, it just was not. And it was more like, how did.

A (31:46)

No, no. He reached out one time. He reached out one time when my brother was about to graduate high school and asked if he could come to his graduation and then didn't show up. And then one time, my brother went to a gas station to buy cigarettes, and that is where his biological father was working. And he went in and his biological dad IDed him. Yeah, that's crazy. So I was like, you know, then he's like in the picture and it's like, yeah, who are you? Like, that's kind of where we both, my brother and I both were just like, this is so messed up. And it was just like I wanted to just shake my mom and be like, I want you to be happy. But like, what are we doing here? So just felt like everything was a mess. Everything was a mess. You're tiptoeing around this whole situation. In the meantime, I'm like, I'm trying to just learn to be a good mom and, like, figure out what I'm doing with my life and, you know, try to keep my dad alive and my mom happy and, you know, my family be as normal as it can be. So, you know, I can't blame her for where she was at, but I feel like my dad just became more suicidal and depressed. He had lost so much weight. So much weight. And, yeah, it just felt like I was always trying to talk him off of a ledge. And him knowing that my mom was dating this guy was just, like, took him down 20 more pegs than he ever needed to be. So my mom had had a best friend through high school. They were very, very tight all the way through high school. She had moved and joined the army when she was a senior. Reconnected with my mom when my brother was very little. So we started, like, our family vacations were to go visit them, and they lived in Chicago, and their family vacations were to come visit us. Like, that's how much we loved our time together. So there were three daughters, and then me and my brother. And it was like we just had, like, built in best friends. Like, we all grew up together. So my mom's best friend and her husband felt like second parents to me. Like, I could tell them anything. We were all so close. My dad became best friends with the husband. His name was Rich. And my mom was very close with her best friend, Trish. So like, we just did everything together when they would come, like, they'd stay with us. So after all of this had happened, my mom has the new guy living in the house. They are coming for a visit. And it's just this weird dynamic because that's my dad's best friend that's gonna stay with us. He's gotta now mingle with this new guy. Knowing that my dad is just in an apartment 10 minutes away, rotting down. Yeah. Just not okay. And that put my dad, like, he knew they were coming. They came the same time every year. We always had such a good trip. We let off fireworks. It was my son's birthday. Like, we just always did so much together. And so it was just this very awkward visit. And that night, we were all going to bed. We were all staying in my mom's house, and my kids were in the living room on an air mattress. And I laid down in between them, and I got a text from my dad, and he Was basically telling me goodbye, that he was gonna kill himself. He can't take it anymore. He loves me. This was never my fault. And, you know, like, I was his pride and joy. It was just. I mean, you name it. Of, like, a goodbye letter. It was there in a text. And I immediately start panicking because I'm just like. I'm already feeling that weight of. Like, this whole visit just feels wrong. So I run to get my best friend. She's putting her toddler to sleep, and I'm like, I gotta get somebody. So I go into my mom, and I'm like, I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't know what to do, and I need you to help me. I'm hysterical. Like, do I go down there? He's not answering, and I don't know what to do. Like, do I drive down to his apartment? And my mom's like, don't. Because he's probably drunk. He has his guns. Who knows if you know what state of mind he's in. Like, what if he didn't know it was you and he accidentally shot you? Or. So we decide that. I'm gonna call the police. My mom's best friend, she comes out with me, and I call 911. She's standing there with me. Rich, my dad's best friend, comes out, you know, and they're just being there for support. I call the police, and I tell them that I need a wall check. I explained the whole situation, hysterically crying, because I just. It felt different. It felt different than any other time that he's like, I don't want to be here anymore. It just felt like he was genuinely saying goodbye. And so the police say they're on their way down there. They've got somebody very close, so they'll be there very quickly. So I call his sister, my Aunt Rhonda, and I'm like, this is what's going on. I just want to let you know this is so hard because I don't know what to do. I'm telling my mom and, you know, this guy sitting here with her, it's just such an awkward situation. She doesn't want me to go down there, but I just want to go down there and, like, just be with him. So they're like, you stay there. You shouldn't see him like this. Anyways, we'll go down there. So my aunt and my uncle go to his apartment, and he's just belligerent. Like, he's so gone, and they're trying to Talk to him. And they get there before the police do, and they're trying to talk to him. He's confrontational. So he's yelling at my uncle. And I'm not even sure because I obviously wasn't there, what transpired between the two of them. But my uncle said something. My dad didn't like it, or he was completely. Just had no idea what was going on. He lunged at my uncle to attack him. My uncle falls backwards out of the door. My uncle was about to go through. He was in kidney failure, so he was about to go through dialysis. He had a port in his arm, which is very dangerous. You can't let anything hit it. Oh, gosh. It's like a very big deal. So, like, he was in a state where, like, we were very worried about him as it was, you know.

A (39:57)

So he. He gets arrested. They keep him in jail overnight. They tell us, we can't find the dog. Just letting you know that the dog's not there. The dog got out. So we're driving around trying to find the dog. My mom's hysterical trying to find the dog. The dog ended up getting hit by a car. And I was like, my dad's not going to survive this. Like, just. It's just one thing after another. He cannot get ahead. And then when he doesn't get ahead, it. It takes him back so far that, like, that's who he is. That's his life. He can't. He feels sorry for himself. He's like, nothing goes his way. That's his identity. Like, that's where he's at. So I'm just like, you know, we've got our friends there. We're, like, trying to enjoy our time together because we're not going to see them again for a while. And I'm just in a state where I'm like, I can't even parent right now. Like, I just want my. And my husband wasn't there. He was on a business trip, so he's coming home. And it just was like, I've got to wait and figure out when are they going to release my dad, because who's going to go pick him up? Me. Nobody else is going to get him. So we went to his apartment. I feel like it was a stipulation that. That, like, they were saying you can pick him up, but because he was a danger to himself and other people, the guns have to be removed from his apartment. So I sent my grandma, his mom, to go get him, and I went to his apartment with my brother and my best friend, Sandy. We went into his apartment, got all of his guns. He's a hunter, so it's not like he's got machine guns and all this stuff there, but, like, he's got his guns. He's got the guns that were passed down to him from his dad. And we took all of those guns, put them at my grandma's house, and he got to come home. He was just. He was not. He just was like, he was embarrassed. He was disappointed in himself. He felt like he has let everybody down. So then we have a period where we have to get through that. He's also burned bridges now. Yeah. Physically injured my uncle. They don't want anything to do with him at this point. They're like, just, we can't ride this roller coaster anymore. We're done. So it just felt like it was on me. Like, nobody wants to help him. Nobody wants to be there for him. I did this. Had I not wrecked his life, he would be in a different place right now. And, like, it's my responsibility. Um, so he knows about the dog. He's not okay. I feel like we kind of went through this whole thing. He couldn't afford his apartment anymore. I was like, maybe a month after the arrest, he realized he couldn't afford to pay his bills anymore. So we moved him out of his apartment and back in with his mom. And I got him another Chihuahua. I actually went with my mom. Somebody had two Chihuahua puppies for sale. He loves Chihuahuas. And she took one. She took the sister. Yeah. And he took the brother. And they're still not speaking to each other. And so I took it to him, put it in a gift bag. It was like the tiniest little dog, I'm sure. And he just bawled and it like, that dog, he named him Chip, became like, you know, he needed that dog. Yeah. And it was like therapy for him. I was like, I've got to, like, help him. I got to do something to help. So he had that dog. He kind of like, he would go through these periods where, like, I'm gonna get sober. Yeah, I'm gonna be fine. He had a friend, lived in town, not in a good area. Still not sure of the story of what happened, but I think I know what happened. Someone who wasn't his friend switched the plates on his truck. The truck that I was driving to. Stolen plates. So he left his friend's house to drive home, got pulled over and got arrested again. That was like, where I was like, I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't explain to somebody what it feels like to lay in bed and like, scroll through the mug shots to find out if your dad got arrested the night before, if he's okay. Is he okay? Is he drunk somewhere? Is he in a ditch somewhere? Like, he's supposed to be my protector. Like, he's supposed to be the person that I call for advice or, you know, I can't get the lawnmower to work, so I'm calling my dad to help me. Like, and instead it's like, I don't know, the well being of my dad on a day to day basis. So there was like a thing that would post the. The mug shots from the night before, and I would check that. I would scroll it every morning. Like, I would have this anxiety and then I'd feel this relief, which my dad wasn't on there.

A (50:58)

He's two weeks sober. Like, I need her to just, you know, don't. Don't. Don't make waves. Like, let's just. Let's just stay where we're at. He's two weeks sober. Like, we're on a stretch here. So I felt like my mom, you know, we. We have always had a pretty good relationship, but I feel like we have had some rocky moments, and I felt like she was kind of leading him on. Like, he. I could just see that he was giddy to be around her, and I was nervous, and I was, like, a little. I was getting a little angry with her. Like, I don't feel like you need to do that. Like, just leave him alone, you know? I feel like I felt very misunderstood, and I couldn't, like, take the back and forth anymore. So I feel like she had made a comment about something. I let it bother me. I got into an argument with her, and I was just like, I can't take the division. The fear of what might happen. I just was, like, at a I was at a. Like, I was at a breaking point. Like, I can't. I can't take one more catastrophic thing happening. I need to just focus on my life and my kids and my husband and what do I want to do with my life? Like, where do I want to be? I don't want to take care of my dad all the time. Like, if you could just let me be, like. And I felt like she didn't understand that. I can't even remember what the comment that she made was. Had nothing to do with my dad. It was, like, just a catty thing between me and her. And I was like, I'm done. I can't do it. You know, I feel like there was a lot of arguing between her and I for that whole time period. So we left, and I. I think I even was like, rent your own car. Yeah. Like, I want you to just leave. But I didn't do that. I. She rode back with us. I did not speak to her the whole way back to Ohio, and I cut her off and did not talk to her for three whole months. And that was like. I mean, she still references that to this day that, like, she's grateful for the time that she has with me because there was a time when I wouldn't speak to her, and she didn't have updates on her grandkids, and she didn't know what was going on with me, and, like, she never wants to be there ever again. And I hate that it had to come to that. But I think I was just, like. I was at a point where I was like, neither one of you are taking care of me.

A (53:56)

Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, you don't get those years back with your kids, you know, And. Yeah. So in that three months when I cut my mom off, my dad and her started talking again, and I was, like, very close with my dad, like, staying on top of what was going on, obviously, but, like, telling my dad, you need to be very cautious. You need to not get your hopes up, like. And I just kept, like, getting more angry with my mom. I was just like, I don't know where your head's at, but I'm not gonna break the silence to find out. Like, that's where I Was at. I'm stubborn in that way, I think. But I did need that time where, like, I kind of set some boundaries with my dad during that period, and I needed that time to, like, you know, I was a young mom. I got married very young. Like, I'm also just trying to figure out what. Who my. What my identity is. Like, who am I? Like, I'm growing up, raising kids, which is hard as it is. You know, we were starting businesses. When you're in a startup that is not, like, you know, we were making ends meet and, like, just trying to make the best of our life. And, like, I can't just ride this roller coaster all the time with my parents. Like, I need to figure out myself, too, so. And then I also was grieving, you know, normalcy. And my, you know, someone that was like a second dad to me, like, that was very. That was very traumatic, that whole thing, and just trying to, like, move forward and be there for my best friend who had just lost her dad. It's just like, you know, I've got to set boundaries for, like, where I'm at. So it was probably maybe two. Two months after that, my mom and dad were back together. Wow. Yeah. My mom kicked out her boyfriend. Stop. They got back together. Yeah. He moved back in. They got to a place where they were like, we're not going to. We're gonna move on from the past. My dad stayed sober from Rich's funeral. He stayed sober that whole time. So where I was like, we are on a stretch here. Don't ruin things. You know, he really did stick it out and stay sober.

A (59:10)

Yeah, he could walk. His incredible. Yeah, I know. Back and neck broken, but he could walk. Yeah. So he's very lucky in that sense. But. But it was almost like they went like, they went back to like, we're going to live a happy life. We're going to move on from where we were. We're going to focus on the future. We're going to take it one day at a time so dad can stay sober. And I was over here like, I don't know who I am. I've been taking care of my parents and my kids and trying to be in my marriage. And it was like, I'm still holding on to like, all this trauma and, and like guilt and like, I don't know what to do with all that. So, like, I went back to counseling. I got diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Kind of went through some like, up and ups and downs where, like, my husband could like, slam on the brakes sometimes and it would like, take me back to slamming on the brakes and my dad, you know, flying past me. Like, it was just like I was struggling a little bit and it was time for me to focus on myself. And I had no idea how to do that because I had just been making sure, just trying to make sure my dad was okay all the time and my mom was happy and like, just going back and forth. And I think I had just been in fight or flight for so long that like, I didn't know what to do with myself. Like, I legitimately did not know who I was. And I mean, there's also like a young mom. Like, you have to give everything to your kids. Like, that's kind of normal. If you didn't have the whole situation with your parents, you know, it's hard to you, you lose your identity as a mom. That's a very common thing. And it's good because that means you're being a good mom. But, like, you lose who you are. And like, you know, I think I just got to a point where I was like, I don't even know what I like to do. Do. Yeah. Like, I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I'm not going to be a stay at home mom forever. Like, what do I want to do? What do I want my life to look like? So I feel like all. Anything that would happen to me moving forward, I kind of had this narrative, like, I'm not good enough. I'm the reason that, you know, there are catastrophic mistakes. I'm not gonna measure up to who I want to be. You know, I'd look at people on social media and be like, I'm not ever gonna be that. Like, I can't. I'm. That's not me. I'm not good enough. Like, I had this narrative and I let that narrative, like, take over entirely. I feel like I could go to counseling and like, kind of like skate my way through. But like, deep down I still had this, like, you know, I wrecked my whole family's life for so many years. That was my fault. And I would kind of just like move on to the next thing and like, push that down. And if I could go back, I. I wish so badly that I would have just tackled that head on because I do feel like I carried that into every traumatic thing that happened to me moving forward. And unfortunately, that's life. Things are going to happen. We decided to have our third child and faced unexplained infertility. They had no idea why I could not get pregnant with my. My oldest and my middle. It was just a normal pregnancy. I got pregnant. Everything was normal. So now here we're trying again, and it's not happening. And I just had that narrative, like, nothing happens for me. This is just my life. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was doing the same thing my dad had been doing for those years. Like, he just felt sorry for himself. Like, everything was ruined. His life was a mess. So I ended up getting pregnant, and I had. I feel like just everything was going so well. Like, we had just bought a house that we were renovating. My parents were traveling. We had moved to Pennsylvania at that point. My parents would travel up, and it would just be, like, the best visits, you know, Like, I would hug my dad and just be like, my dad. Like, you know, like, I just remember feeling that so much. Like, I still feel that when I. Like, just like, I have my dad. Like, I almost didn't have my dad. And I think my parents had just left. We were working on our house because we wanted to get moved in before we had the baby. And I realized that the baby wasn't moving. And my husband thought I was being paranoid. My doctor thought I was being paranoid. But they ended up having me come in the next day just to be sure, so they could kind of ease my mind. And they didn't find a heartbeat. I was at 23 weeks, almost 24 weeks. So I had to go deliver him. He looked just like his siblings. It was, you know, not something that you have ever prepared for. Like, you don't get pregnant and be like, well, if I have a stillborn, these are the things I'm gonna do. So you're kind of, like, blindsided in the hospital with like, okay, you need to pick a funeral home. Do you want pictures taken? Do you want. You know, all these things that you're like, I didn't even know this was a thing. Like, I didn't know I had to choose this. So we had him cremated. I went into the darkest depression I've ever gone into. And I carried that same narrative of just like, this is it. Like, nothing good happens to me. There, you know, had been things in between those things that, like, I carried that narrative, and I gained so much weight. And when I say I lost Myself. I lost myself. Ended up getting pregnant again unexpectedly and was like, the baby's due date was Christmas Day, which was mind blowing to me. And I ended up losing that baby at 12 weeks. So I had to have a DNC. And I remember just being like, we went in for the ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. There was no heartbeat. And I was just like, this is my life. Like, what? Like, what. What is happening? Like, why do I feel like nothing can go right? Like, And I carried that narrative. Like, I just.

A (68:26)

Not. I cannot. Yeah. Can't do injections. So that quickly changed. I feel like anxiety just overcame me. Like, I was just, like, paralyzed every day and, like, still fighting for my identity in the same thing. Like, I just never figured out, like, who am I? And, like, how do I move forward? I still just held on to so much stuff. Like, I don't know, like, even just going home, like, to visit my parents, driving down the road or, you know, I don't know. Like, there would just be, like, memories of, like, driving past my dad's old apartment or whatever. Like, I can't explain to you the, like, sickness I would feel in my stomach. It was like I never healed from all of that. And then you, like, layer on things like holding your stillborn baby and, like, not fully healing from that. I feel like I just, like, got to the point where I just wasn't doing any work. I just was, like, disassociating from everything. And my best friend is, like, the very opposite. Like, she's, like, very. Like, she'll cry every time we talk. That's just normal. Like, that's just her. And I am like, oh, let's not cry. Nope. I'm like, I'm not gonna cry. I'm. You know. And she would be like, you. Sometimes I think you just need to cry. Like, I think you need to just, like, let it out, hone into that, you know? But I just gotten to this point where, like, I couldn't. So I had leti successfully in 2023. And postpartum, I feel, like, hit me hard. And it wasn't until then, you know, all this time, my dad's still sober. Okay. And, like, we talk about it frequently. Like, I'm always telling him how proud I am of him, that, like, he has stayed sober this whole time. And, you know, we've lost so many people in our family. We've had a lot of things happen. And my dad has, like, just been a rock through it all, like, and I just, Like, I'm so proud of him for that. And I feel like that with this postpartum was, like, kind of the first time I felt like my dad was, like, there for me. It was like, it was not a secret to anyone who knows me that I was, like, down. I felt like I just. I never figured out who I wanted to be. Here. I'm raising my kids. Time's just, like, flying by. I have a teenager. He's taller than me. Where did time go? I don't know. What I want to do. I don't even know who I am. I can hardly talk about my stillborn son at this point. Like, just. I just was, like, not in a good place mentally, and I hated myself. And I just feel like there were so many years of, like, guilt and trauma and loss, and I let that define who I was. Like, I just fully let that, like, wash over me, and that's who I was. And it was affecting everyone around me at that point. Like, I feel like up until then, it wasn't. But when I hit postpartum, it was like my depression was affecting everybody. You never knew what was going to happen, highs and lows. Like, you never knew what mood I was going to be in. My kids were like, mom, you got to, like, chill. Like, just, like, they didn't have happy mom for sure. And so I feel like 2024, I hit a breaking point and was like, it is time for me to, like, do the work and take charge of my life. So I did. I feel like I dove into so many things. I feel like 2024 was, like, the year of crying. For me, it's like I dove into so much and was just like. Like, you get one life. I don't get these years back. I don't get these years back with my kids. What kind of mom are they gonna grow up and remember? Like, who do I want them to look back and, like, remember me as? And that was, like, my motivation of, like, I don't want my kids to feel like they have to take care of me. I don't want them to feel like they have to heal from me and my issues that I didn't work through. So I really started to look at things, like, through the perspective of my kids. And I based so much of what happened to me around, like, the decision of my parents. And I wanted to try to give my kids, like, the opposite of that. Like, I just don't want them to feel like they have to navigate my trauma because I didn't do the work to heal from it. So I feel like that whole end of the year into 2025, I started a GLP1 because I was very overweight, very miserable in my body. It just, like, wasn't even a thought to me, like, was just like, I need help. Like, I can't.