Paige (0:01)

This episode is brought to you by Amazon. Sometimes the most painful part of getting sick is the getting better part. Waiting on hold for an appointment, sitting in crowded waiting rooms, standing in line at the pharmacy. That's painful. Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy remove those painful parts of getting better with things like 24. 7 virtual visits and prescriptions delivered to your door. Thanks to Amazon Pharmacy and Amazon One Medical Healthcare just got less painful. My name is paige, I am 28 and I'm from Northeast Ohio. And in 2018, I was body brokered and did the what they call the Florida shuffle in South Florida. The Florida shuffle, in short, would be you go to a treatment center with a private insurance policy and they will have you stay for X amount of time and then send you off to another facility. Typically you got brought down by what's called like a body broker, and that is somebody that will make money and receive what's called a kickback. So they'll take money from your insurance, pocket that, and get basically X amount of money per person that they bring to said treatment center. And typically the treatment centers, the different levels of care, are interconnected. So when you go to one and then they send you to another, money is transferred from each place to another for each person. It's somewhat of a form of like medical trafficking, but because it is not necessarily sex work or like trafficking people for work, it's kind of not looked at that way typically. And how many treatment centers are you going to? Or does it just depend? It really depends on the person and your insurance policy. So at the time, I don't have the same insurance now, but at the time I had a really good insurance policy. If you're familiar with like the term ppo, I can't remember for the life of me what it stands for, but it's just private insurance that usually covers like both your area and other areas, like out of state. The networking is a lot larger and it can cover a lot of out of network. If you have really good insurance, you can go to multiple places or you can just go to one. And it kind of varies based on person to person. For my experience, I think it was about. I think I went back and forth about 10 times, two different places, but some of those were repeated, which I'll get into. But I think I should probably provide some background context as far as, like, how I got to that point to begin with. I grew up pretty normally. Like, I got really good grades. I did ballet for about 13 years. Yeah, I was like the golden child. And then around 13 is when I started like experimenting with different drugs and drinking and like having sex and like, I, I was kind of just like a badass little kid. By the time I was 13, I kind of just started hanging out with kids that were doing that kind of stuff already. And I was indulging in a lot of like, media that kind of made me feel like, oh, this is the most adventurous thing I could be doing. If you ever heard of like the show Skins, it's like the British show. I was watching so much of that and all they do, it's like euphoria. Basically all they do is like do drugs and party and chaos. And to me, when I was that age, I was like watching that, like, it looks cool. It's like the cool thing. I was like, this is what teenage hood's going to be about. Um, so my mentality was kind of like that. And then when I was 14, I got into like my first, like serious relationship with my like high school sweetheart. Him and I started dating at 14, we broke up at 20 and he ended up moving into like my parents home with me when his mother passed away in our junior year of high school. I have two parents, they're both still married, happy together, and just one older sister. So for the most part, my childhood consisted of just like us four. And then when I was 14, my sister had a baby in high school, so she was 16, 17. So at that point, by the time I was getting into high school, we had a newborn in the house and then. Yeah, and then on top of it, like my high school sweetheart, his name is Audie for context. Audie moving in when we were 17, ended up becoming like a full house pretty quickly. Right. AI and I ended up having a few jobs together and we ended up moving out of my parents house. I think by the time we were like 18, 19, our relationship like got really shitty by the time we were getting older. I think when you start dating somebody a young age, you have more in common in certain ways. And then as time goes on, you see like a lot less in common. Him and I were both using drugs. Yeah, like right out of high school, like him and I got into like pills, we were doing oxys and stuff quite a bit and started doing coke and stuff out of high school, like a lot. And as like the drug use with us progressed and as we aged, we kind of just were changing quite a bit. Do you think that your family was aware of you doing drugs? Yeah, so my family, when I was like 13, 14, I was like smoking Weed. And, like, they didn't know I was, like, doing pills and stuff at that time. Like, I wasn't doing them to an extent that it was super concerning. It was very, like, moderate. But they knew I was, like, doing things like drinking a. Smoking weed because I would come home, like, stoned and stuff. And then my parents, like. And like, they've had, like, their years of smoking and stuff, too, and they're not against it, but, you know, you're like, 14 year old kid coming home high. They're like, no, we're not about this. So I would get grounded, like, a lot in that time. Yeah, I was, like, always in trouble for the fact that I was just going out and partying with my friends and coming home, like, drunk or high and. Or I'd have, like, cigarettes on me. And, like, they knew that that was a thing. And then as I was getting older and I was getting more into, like, things like coke, they only found out when I had a suicide attempt. After I moved out and was staying, Audie and I were staying with a friend in an apartment. We were doing a lot of coke and, like, again, like, more like opiate pills and like Xanax and stuff. And I don't know. There's this one night that we. I ended up doing a lot of the drugs that we had with the intention to sell them. And then the next day we got into a huge fight and I took a bunch of my medication because I was on, like, like, mental health medication. I got diagnosed sometime in my teens with, like, general anxiety disorder and major depression disorder. So I had medication for those two things, and I went and I ate all of them. And that ended up becoming kind of a thing where I went to the hospital, did the whole, you know, check in. In the mental health unit there, and then did I. I did aftercare there. And that's kind of how my parents discover the fact. Doing more than just, like, smoking weed and drinking at that time for some further context. Like, I have a lot of family members with, like, drug use history, but my parents themselves don't have, like, an extensive history, so they also didn't want to see, like, their child putting themselves in a situation that could end up really difficult for them. Right after I had that suicide attempt. And in the time that I went to the hospital and then I had to do outpatient classes, Audie and I were having huge problems because of that. He was using heroin before I was, and at that point, like, he was getting high, doing, like. Like, I'm just gonna call it dope, because heroin's such a long word. But he was, like, doing dope and, like, smoking crack and such, and I wasn't doing any of that. I was, I guess, doing what most people consider, like, something below it, but to me is. It's really, like, relatively on the same. The same kind of drugs. But, yeah, he was doing all that while I was gone. And I, like, later discovered when I came home that that was happening and that he was. We were getting to fights a lot when I got back and breaking my things. And I think he, like, pretended he was dead one time because he was mad that I was leaving the house. Like, it was really chaotic, and it was a lot of codependency there as well. Like, with that being said, when I started going to these outpatient classes at the hospital, they have different levels of care for, like, outpatient stuff. So I was doing, like, what's called php. And when you're in, like, drug and alcohol treatment, PHP is usually. From my experience in Florida, PHP is usually. You're staying on property somewhere, usually in, like, halfway house living. But through the mental health, like, hospital in Ohio that I was at, it was like, you go. You do group therapies and whatever for. For eight hours of the day, and then you go home. And I started doing these outpatient classes after that hospital stay. And that was when I had met the person that introduced me to, like, the rabbit hole of doing the Florida, like, shuffle kind of stuff. And we'll just call him Jay. So in that time, yeah, I met Jay, and I wasn't really thinking about meeting anybody romantically or anything because I forgot to mention, like, Audie and I were engaged at that point. We got engaged, engaged out of high school when we were, like, 18. We were together for six years. So by the time we were adults, we were like, we're gonna get married. So in my brain, I was, like, fed up with the relationship but still willing to fix it or, like, not wanting to get into another relationship, at least if that one wasn't gonna work. So when I met Jay, it was just like, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And then, yeah, Audie and I ended up breaking up. I ultimately decided to end things. It just. He stopped showing up all the time at home and was just kind of out doing a lot of. I didn't really want to be a part of. So at that point, after Audie and I broke up, I ended up, like, getting in contact and, like, talking to Jay quite a bit after that. In my mind, we weren't dating. But from my understanding, like, in his mind, we were. But it moved kind of fast as far as, like, that talking phase. But as far as I ever knew him, he was a very manipulative person. Shows a lot of, like, narcissistic traits and doesn't really likes to stretch the truth or just outward lie in order to, like, impress other people or make himself look a certain way. So when I met him, it was like, I was kind of being fed this, like, personality that would make me like him. How much of that was actually him and his personality? I'm not positive, but it was very like, oh, I have baby fever. And, yeah, I. I love X, Y and Z. And I love all the things you like. And I can't wait to get married someday and do all this. And, like, finding out years later that's, like, not the case with him. We started seeing each other, and, like, the time I was still living in the apartment that I was staying at with a friend, I kicked Audie out. Basically. I ended up, like, packing all this stuff up and dropping it off to a family member he was staying with. And then, yeah, he. Jay, ended up staying, like, over quite a bit. He ended up overdosing in the apartment at some point, to which my roommate did not want him staying there anymore after that. Scared her quite a bit. There was one incident in particular that I think should have been a really big warning sign. But I also. I don't know, I was in, like, a vulnerable state as far as, like, romantically. And just my mental health wasn't the greatest. My parents, like, bought me pepper spray because Audie was blowing me up after we broke up. Like, he was calling me, like, 30 times a day. And I wasn't feeling threatened, but my parents were concerned he was going to, like, do something dangerous just because the signs look similar to situations when that happens. But me knowing him, I was like, I think it's fine. It's just annoying. So they bought me pepper spray. And at some point, Jay and I were alone in my apartment, and we were drinking, and he was trying to get me to drink the roommates, like, whiskey. And basically, like, trying, like, literally pouring it down my throat because I was like, I don't want this. I shouldn't be drinking her stuff. Blah, blah, blah. And he's like, no, no, no. We're drinking together. And he ended up, in the midst of trying to pour it in my mouth, ended up, like, spilling it on me. And I went and took a shower because I was sticky and drunk. And I was like, I need to bathe. So I took a shower, and it was really hot for some reason, and I was like, what the. Why is this so hot? And I could feel it in my scalp, and then it went down the rest of my body, and I turned the water down, thinking maybe it was, like, the temperature. No, it was not at all. Come to find out, after I was sitting in the water for a little bit and started burning more and more that it was pepper spray that got sprayed in my shower, and him and I were the only ones home. And he came in when I started screaming because it burned, and I was choking, also because it was airborne. He came in and pretended like, oh, my God, I don't know what happened, yada, yada. And ended up, like, helping douse me with dawn dish soap water, and then, like, milk and stuff. And then tried saying it was my roommate who was not home all day and didn't know I had pepper spray. I came to find out years later that it was him after he confessed it to me. How did he even get it in the shower? I think he just. He just took it off my keychain and got in my shower and sprayed it higher than my eye level would reach. Oh, my God. And it was all because, like, he was mad. I went out for drinks with somebody I went to high school with, and he assumed that I slept with them. And he was like, you cheated on me. And I'm like, we weren't dating, And I also didn't do that. I went out to drinks with somebody, and that's about it for the most part. I knew he used almost every drug under the sun that you could think of. And from my understanding of what he was telling me is that he wasn't doing that anymore. He was in a place of recovery, that he was comfortable, blah, blah, blah. That ended up not being the case. Him and I got into a fight about something, and then I went and I met him up at, like, a park, like, a public park. And he just pulled his phone out and pulled out a bag of heroin, like, powdered heroin, and started cutting up lines. And there's children running around in this park, too. Like, we're in, like, near a playground and just start sniffing down lines of dope in the middle of this park. And I was like, what the are you doing? We are in public. There are people around us. You're gonna get us arrested. This is crazy. I'm taking you home. And he lived, like, around the corner from the park, so. And I drove all the way out to him, like, for further context. He lived, like, almost an hour from me. We just went to the same, like, outpatient hospital thing because it was the one that was available for both of us. It was close to me, but not him. But that was what was available for him to go to as far as, like, spaces for patients. So I drove all the way out to him, went to this park with him, and then was, like, taking you home now. So I drove him around the corner, took him home. We ended up, like, screaming back and forth with each other. His, like, mom came out, and I was like, your son is up. Something is wrong with him. Because when I was driving him back, too, he, like, he smacked his head on the dashboard and then, like, looked up at me. Like, sat up and looked up at me and looked really confused and almost started crying and was like, where am I? What's going on? Who are you? Why are we in the car? And I was like, what the. What do you. What do you mean? Like, I. I'm Paige. Like, you know me, and we just. I'm taking you home from a park because you're high as hell, and you're going to get me in trouble. And he was like, I don't know. He was, like, acting like he thought it was a week prior and was like, isn't it such and such date? And I was like, no. What the heck is. What are you talking about? So that whole thing was just, like, really weird and confusing. After that, he disappeared and he went to Florida. But it was, like, probably six months or more that I didn't hear from him for a little while. And then I moved out of that apartment, and I moved in with my friend Paul, and. And Paul and I got an apartment together. And then sometime after Paul and I got an apartment together, Jay came back from Florida. He was down there doing treatment and such. Came back from Florida and was like. I guess, like, on this, like, pink cloud is what they call it. It's kind of like when you're in the state of euphoria where you're like, everything's better. I'm better now. Life is good. AA is awesome. And not to. Like on aa. I don't. I personally don't do aa. I don't particularly like it. There's a lot of things I don't like about it, but I think it does work for some people, and if you like it, you like it. And when he came home, he reached out to me, and we started seeing each other again, and we started talking. I don't Even know how it happened. But then he showed up or, like, was on the phone with me and was talking to me about smoking crack, and I hadn't done that before. At this point, I really liked coke. I never did crack, because in my mind, it was like this big step above coke. Like, coke is the normal people drug, and crack is, like, for crackheads. As Jay was talking to me about it, he was kind of like, you would love this. Like, you love coke. You would love crack. And then I was like, okay, you kind of. You kind of bought me on it. Maybe I. Maybe I will try it. And then, yeah, I ended up starting smoking crack with him at that time. At some point, after Jay and I were smoking together and I started getting involved with that, Paul ended up moving out of the apartment that we shared. He walked in, and I was in my bedroom, and there was a stem pipe. It's like, you know, there's a little crack pipe. It's a stem pipe that was used sitting on my dresser. And Paul came in and saw it and was like, what the is this? And I was like, oh, I don't know. I don't know what that is. And he's like, no, I know what this is. Like, what is going on here? I was like, I don't. I don't know, dude. Like, I tried, like, playing it off like it was nothing. And he was like, this is not okay. And then he ended up moving out, like, a couple days after that. Moved in with somebody else. Him and I stopped talking for a bit after that. I think he, like, went to my parents, too, and told them, like, hey, Paige's smoking crack. She's been avoiding you guys because she doesn't want anything to do with anybody right now, and she's smoking crack. But my parents didn't believe him. I think part of it was they couldn't fathom the idea of me doing drugs that, like, they weren't super familiar with and that were deemed as, like, the very unacceptable drugs. After Paul moved out, Jay started staying with me, like, more and more after that. Then he brought, like, dope into the house. He told me it was, like, coke. And then when he brought it, it ended up not being coke, and I didn't do it yet. But he was telling me, like, oh, you can't have any of this. And I'm like, why? You were in my home and you brought drugs here? You're supposed to share. That's courteous. And then he told me what it was. It infuriated me because I was like, anticipating it being something else, and then was kind of, like, disappointed in that matter. And then to be told, like, I brought this to your home, and you like to get high, but you can't get high with me because it's something I don't want you to do. It really, like, made me frustrated, and I was very insistent at that point, and I was like, no, I'm doing this because you're telling me no. I want to. And I want to see what the hype is about. I was, like, for some reason, just very desperate to want to be with him. So it's like, all right, this is what we're doing. At that point, I end up, like, quitting my job. Sometime after that, like, the pieces kind of fell apart really quickly. I know a lot of people that use drugs and they work jobs and they have. They pay their bills, they do their thing, blah, blah, blah. I could not be that person. I was just awful about that. Once I started doing, like, dope with J, that was kind of end game for me in my finances. I would go pick up drugs and then be late to work. And then I just stopped showing up to work because I was like, what's the point of going? I stopped paying all my bills. I had, you know, was getting the statement for, like, my car payment saying, like, we're going to take your car. We're going to repossess your car if you don't pay this. And then my kind of. My health went bad, too, just in the sense of, like, opiates made me throw up a lot, so I was just puking constantly. I don't know. Things got especially abusive. There was one night where he was mad at me about something, and I. We picked up dope, and then he spilled some of it in the car. And then he blamed me for it and, like, yanked me out of the car by my hair, drugged me in the apartment by my hair, and then, like, yelling and screaming at me, picked up all the loose change on the table and just started throwing it as hard as he could at me. And I think that was, like, the same night he was throwing knives at me. Kind of like how they do in, like, those circus cartoons that he's like, oh, this is, like the cartoons. And I'm like, no, it's not. This is actually scary. And it was, like, chasing me around my apartment with a belt, like, saying he was gonna, like, beat me with it. And he was, like, laughing the whole time. Like, I was scared, but he was just laughing and thinking it was funny. My neighbors the next day were like, is everything okay? Yeah, like that early on, before we even went to Florida, there was, like, signs of abuse. Him and I got really sick at some point because we didn't have money and we were using opiates. So you get, you know, what's called dope sick after a while, where if you are using opiates regularly, you go through withdrawals. And going through withdrawals in my little sad apartment was miserable, to say the least. I guess for anybody who hasn't ever experienced opiate withdraws, I always just equated it to, like, the worst flu of your life, because the symptoms are pretty similar. Like, you're throwing up. You usually have, like, diarrhea, and you're shaky and hot and cold, and your body hurts. Your bones, your muscles, everything hurts. You're irritable. You're usually nauseous. And you're not. You don't have much of an appetite. You have a really bad, like, drippy, like, sinuses. So it really is, like, similar to a terrible flu. And. And I was not having it. We were miserable, just dope sick for some odd days and probably for a couple days. And then Jay suggested, why don't we go to Florida? I know a guy that can get us down. Down there. He'll buy us a plane ticket and everything. I was like, I don't know. I can't just, like, go to Florida. My family's gonna be like, what the fuck? And also, I have an apartment up here in a car and a life, and I want to get my job back and X, Y, and Z. And then he just kind of was like, okay, well, let me know if you change your mind, yada, yada. And a few days went by, and we ended up dope sick again. I guess every time I got sick, I was kind of just like, please kill me now. And I was kind of in that mentality where I was like, I want to die. So maybe let's. Let's go to Florida. Because I feel like that's a better, like idea than doing what we're doing now and feeling like this every day. So I kind of just looked at them one day, and I was like, you know what, what you mentioned about going to treatment down there. Let's do that. So he's like, all right, let me get a hold of this guy that I know and see if they have anything, like, available at the treatment center that I went to. He messaged this guy this. To be completely honest, I didn't know this was not Normal. But looking back, I'm like, this is just weird. He messaged him on Snapchat, which is, like, so unprofessional and sounds really goofy to say now because, like, you're messaging somebody about doing an intake for a treatment center via Snapchat. That's crazy. That's just not the way you do that normally. So he messaged this guy on Snapchat, and we'll just. I don't know, we'll call him Chad. He messages Chad and he's like, yeah, dude, this guy's awesome. He's the one that, like, I met him when I was down there. He wanted to me, like, work at the place he works at. Works at this place called Maps, and they're awesome. And I'm like, okay, that. That sounds like a good ide. Yeah. So he gets a hold of Chad, and the first thing that he asks on Snapchat for us is, do you guys have a ppo? We both did. We had the same insurance because both of our parents that we were getting insurance through worked for the state. So we were like, yeah, okay, send me your insurance. Send me a picture of your id. What's your Social Security number? So we send them all that via Snapchat. What have you been using? How much have you been using? X, Y, and Z? Gave him all that info, and he's like, okay, I can get you guys a it. I can get you flown out here on Tuesday. The way that this is worded is really awful, but I. I think it's important that I say it the way it's worded. What we are told after we got our information settled with him is if you bring more people down here, if you know other people that are getting high like you are and want to come to treatment in Florida, like, we can pay you money for, like, getting those people to come down here too. And to us, that was like a dream come true. Free money. So, you know, like, how much? He said, we, I can pay you $2500 per head if you get people to come down here. And in our minds, we're like, oh, we can make a lot of money doing that. That's great. So Jay's sister was actually also using for a really long time. Let's just call her. He's like, I can ask if she wants to come. I'm like, okay, yeah. And then I think she, like, reached out to two of her friends that were staying somewhere too, when she realized there was money involved. But we got a hold of her and was like, do you want to come down to Florida with us? And she's like, yeah, absolutely. Spring break. All three of us ended up flying on June 19, 2018. I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell any of my family until I was at the airport. We go to the airport, we're like sick as. And we ended up seeing like Jake Paul at the airport, which was really weird. And I called my parents and was like, hey, so I'm going to Miami. I'm about to get on a plane and go to treatment down there. I should be back in about a week. Because in my mind I was like, this will be about a week of detox. And I come home and I told him, you know, my key to my apartment's under the mat. My key to my car is on the table. Take care of that for me. They were upset and very confused. But I end up getting on the plane anyway and going. We flew to what we're gonna call maps. We flew to maps on the 19th, and that was pretty close to the Miami area. The I. T. Guy that also lived at the detox facility, he came and picked us up with a. Another like behavioral health tech. And I think when we were like, we ended up getting in there, like branded van at the airport. And we were all dope sick, all three of us. Between me, Jay, and we were all just very, very sick. First time I ever been on a plane. Terribly miserable experience. That sounds horrible. It was so bad. I had never flown before and I was already nervous. And then I was like physically ill the entire time. And it got worse once we landed because it was also June in Florida. We ended up arriving at maps around 10pm we signed a bunch of paperwork and did drug tests. And when we did our drug testing, myself and Jay came up positive for like crack and cocaine. It usually is like the same thing on a test. Came up positive for that. We also came up positive for opiates and fentanyl. But when Sissy did testing, she didn't come up positive for any opiates of any sort. And the problem with that was that we were going there with the intention to do treatment for opiates. And a lot of places don't allow, like, stimulant detox, mind you. She was. Was incredibly sick. Like she was outside throwing up. She was actually more physically ill than we were and was using what we thought was dope. Come to find out later, I'm pretty positive. What we were doing at the time was mostly research chemicals, non regulated chemicals that are Made to duplicate like other drugs. And usually they're made by people that are just like doing, I don't either bioengineering, like shorthand or they're just playing around and seeing what comes out. Because of that, the behavioral health techs that did our intake stuff, they ended up taking one of ours and doing her drug panel with one of our things of urine, like taking half of it and putting it in her cup and basically just like forging her urinalysis and was like, okay, yeah, this is your test. And we ended up sitting outside because she was throwing up a lot and there wasn't like a lot of room inside for all of us to sit. And we wanted like smoke and stuff. So we end up sitting outside signing all these papers. And I, I don't even think I was reading any of them at this point. I was just signing cuz I was like, yeah, I'll stay, I want to be here. Sign that, sign that. I think one of them was a 72 hour hold for your belongings. So if you did what was called like an ama, which is leaving against medical advice, they could hold on to all of your belongings for 72 hours. So we are signing paperwork like that, paperwork agreeing to pay them back for the flight, the rules, our personal info. And then once we got all that paperwork done, we went inside, saw the nurses because they were like, it was like 10 at night and they're there all night, but everybody else was sleeping. Like we were told by the text, like, okay, you guys, here's like these scrub outfits while we take your clothes and belongings you have and wash them. Here's like some outfits to wear in the meantime. You know, they got to make sure you're not bringing like bed bugs or anything. So they gave us that, we changed and they were like, okay, you can go see the nurses to get medication for the night. I was at a point where I wasn't wanting to fully be in recovery, but I just didn't want to be dope sick and going to Florida sounded fun. So I, when I was told by Jay, hey, if you stretch the truth or if you exaggerate whatsoever about your drug use, you can get more medication. Like they'll medicate you even more if you say like you're drinking more than you actually are, if you're saying you're using more. And I'm like, well, we are using a lot. He's like, okay, but even like drinking or anything, like you can get more medication out of them if you stretch the truth. And they'll load you up. And I'm like, okay, maybe I'll try that. So I did. When I did my intake, I told them the numbers on the drugs I was doing were pretty close, but I kind of upped those a little bit. And then I said I was like, drinking way more than I was. I wasn't even drinking alcohol at that time. I didn't have money to buy alcohol. I didn't care to be drinking anyway. But I was like, yeah, I'm drinking like a fish. This and that. They determined based on what we told them in our intakes and based on our, like, drug screenings. That's where the nurses determined what medication to give us. For the most part, they give out a lot of comfort medication anyway. That place was notorious for giving out a lot of medication. I ended up getting my medication from the nurses that night and then blacked out for a week straight solely because they. What they were giving us was a lot of like, Klonopin and Ativan, which. Ativan's like a benzo. It's like equivalent of Xanax. And with the amount of Ativan that they would give you, you just were not physically present. You're physically present, but, like, mentally not at all. I. I spent like that first week sleeping a lot and falling asleep outside. And like the patio furniture, they give you free cigarettes every day. And I would just like fall asleep somewhere and get robbed of my smokes and then leave burn holes in places. And it was very barely coherent. The general setup for this place was it was had this like, square shaped dynamic. So on one end of the square that was like the detox side. So patients that were going through detox were on this end. The other end of the square was like residential. So once you're not on the heavier amounts of medication, once you're. You're there for like a week, you go to the residential side. The other side has a cafeteria, a video game room, a movie theater, a like, fitness room. And then I think there's like a nail salon that they had somebody come in and do nails and like eyebrows sometimes there, which is kind of cool. The one side is like all this recreational kind of stuff mostly, and then like housing, and then in the, in between, it was like a courtyard. This place looked really nice. And when we showed up, I was like, holy, this place is nice. The problem was, was that, like, despite the fact that it had all these nice amenities, it was a show. So, yeah, it looked really nice. But then you look further at the patio furniture and you see a bazillion burn holes from people nodding out and passing out all the medication. Or, you know, you see all this nice stuff in the cafeteria, but there's also flies out the ass. And they only serve pizza, like, five out of seven days of the week. And they got milk that's just, like, rotten in the freezer or the fridge or whatever. And, like, having that many people, like, heavily medicated, it was like they kind of zombified a lot of the patients, and it ended up, like, very sloppy and messy and kind of gross a lot of the time. If your insurance didn't, like, cover your. Your time there and you were with somebody else whose theirs was, they would do something. And, like, all this is not legal. Like, the giving free cigarettes and stuff is like, barely legal. Like, that's a form of bribery and stuff and, like, incentives. And if you're with somebody else and they charge your insurance for that person, it's like a term called piggybacking. So you'd piggyback on their insurance. So, like, my insurance stopped paying up at some point. They were getting charged a lot. It was like $4,000 for a piss test, and they do it twice a week. So my insurance was like, that's a lot of money. That's unrealistic. We're not paying for this. So at some point, the people at Maps, like, who do all the insurance stuff was like, like, we'll just charge Jay's insurance for Paige's stay, and she can piggyback on his insurance. And a lot of people did that. That was like a. I don't know. It was a really big thing. A lot of times couples came in, one of them would have insurance and the other one wouldn't, and they would just piggyback them. Additionally, they had, on top of, like, all the heavy Ativan medication and stuff, they also had what was called, like, comfort shots. The nurses, both on the detox and residential side, they would basically take, you know, those cups that you would take, like, liquid medicine with the. They look a little shot glasses. Yeah. So they take those. They take a bunch of those and put them on, like, what looks like a cafeteria tray, and they'd crush up a bunch of pills, put them in all the cups, and add water and stir them up. And then, like, people can take those little shots. It was blind dosing, though, so they knew what was in them. I didn't. Nobody else knew. You would. They'd say, oh, we're making comfort shots if anybody wants them. And then the line up at the nurses station. And I asked one time, like, what is. What is this? What is in this? And the nurses were really vague about it. They'd just be like, oh, it's my secret recipe. It's just, don't worry about it. Like, they didn't. They wouldn't tell us what it was, how much of what it was or anything. It was just, you're going to feel great. I don't know. I. A lot of people kind of speculated maybe it's just Benadryl. It's probably nothing this and that, but it's also like very illegal to blind dose people in a medical setting. Yeah. It was weird though, because despite the fact that people are like, this is probably just Benadryl. There were people that were like, nodding out. I would see people falling asleep all over the place, like slurring their speech, like, very incoherent. Because whatever they were putting in all these medications and all the medication that you're taking on top of it ended up being a lot. And a lot of people were just like up the entire time they were there, including myself. Like, I ended up very incoherent most of the time I was there. I didn't even realize until later that the first time I was there, my dad and my aunt, they both came down to see me at Maps on the third day that I was there. And the staff, like took me and them into like a meeting conference room. I don't remember any of it. They took a picture with me and it doesn't look like me. Like I was barely had my eyes open. I didn't even know that they had visited me until I talked to them like a week later. And they're like, when we were down there and I was like, what do you mean you were down there? Sitting at this conference table with them. They were talking to like the staff. I'm like nodding out at the table. And my aunt, who at the time was working in, like she still does, but she was working the recovery field and she was like, what the is this? Why is she nodding out at your treatment center, barely keeping her eyes open? She can't even talk to me right now. Like, oh, no, it's fine. It's normal. We have to medicate people so they feel okay while they're going through their withdrawals, blah, blah, blah. My aunt's like, no, that's not normal. Like, there is some uncomfortability to going through detox and that's normal. Like, comfort medication is one thing. Ibuprofen like, sleeping medication stuff for restless legs, that's one thing. But, like, what do you have her on? You obviously have her on some type of, like, narcotic. So myself, Jay and Sissy ended up staying at Maps for about a month. Being in contact with my parents, like, they had all these ideas of where I should go. You should go to this place, you should go that place, yada yada. And I brought up a couple of those places to the, like, executive director or like the program director there. And when I would bring them up, they say, well, they don't house couples. And I'm like, well, my parents already talked to them and they said they would take both me and Jay and they take Sissy too. Despite the fact that we all know each other, they would take all of us as an exception. We just need to call them. Like, well, no, like, we don't. I don't think that would, like, work or. No, I don't think it's a good idea. Like, they would kind of just avoid any possibility of the suggestions that I would give that I was being given for my parents. And mostly because those were, like, good treatment centers. Yeah, like, the one place was like, Steven Tyler's treatment center, which from, like, Aerosmith. And like, his place is, like, really well known and really good place. Everybody I've met that went there, they were like, this place, pretty cool. And it's a legit treatment center for my understanding at least. Like, I never been there because of all this, but because it was places that they weren't gonna, like, make money with, they were like, no, I don't think it's gonna work. Right. And then they suggested, well, you should go to this other place that we know, it's called sl. And mind you, a lot of these places are shut down from, like, the state of Florida and like, the federal government. So they were like, you should. We should go to this SL place. You guys will. You guys will like it. It'll be good. And in my brain I was still like, well, I was only supposed to be down here for a week, but okay. So by the time we go to this SL place, it's like July. When we got out, I got my phone back, which was already damaged. And when I got it back, it was completely broken. Didn't work. We went to this place and it was basically apartment. So the whole setup of this place and a lot of the places we went to is they would have iop, which is intensive outpatient. And you go to IOP usually, like, five days out. Of the week for some odd hours. And you get drug tested, like, twice a week, sometimes three times a week, depending. Jay and I were able to stay in this apartment in, like, the same room and everything. And, like, mind you, we didn't get connected with any resources when we were at Maps. So stuff like ebt, like food stamps, we didn't have that. And we also didn't have money to buy food, and that wasn't provided for us there. So we cleaned out the kitchen in this apartment. When we got into it, I, like, pulled this box of oatmeal out, like, the instant packets, and this ginormous cockroach just, like, fell out of it, Went straight down my shirt. It was. I was just crying. I was like, what the is this place? And I were just screaming, screaming. And Jay came in and, like, smashed it with a broom. And he was like, well, I'm the Florida. And I was like, I don't like this. I don't want to do this. So I have a quick question. At these facilities, were the nurses and the help per se, were they, like, certified and legitimate or so at Maps, like, the nurses did have their degrees and such. Come to find out later. Their doctor had gotten his license revoked previously. Okay. And then I think he was licensed at the time he was working there. Since then, he's had it revoked. Okay. But he had had some issues previously. And the people, the staff, like, the paper hall techs, like, anybody could get that job. Okay. Like, they didn't need any type of certifications or training. Like, your training was like, you get hired, and then they're like, this is your job. Yeah. The first day that we got there, after we dropped our stuff off, we were all being prescribed Suboxone. It's like a opiate antagonist, basically. So people who are using opiates long term can get prescribed. It has naloxone in it, which is the same medication. So Narcan. It also has opiates in it. So it helps relieve, like, alleviate the withdrawal effects. That's why there's, like, opiates in it. Yeah. But it also helps prevent that. If you do opiates in that time, you won't be able to get high. It'll make you, like, sick if anything. Got it. So it's a really helpful medication for people that are getting off of opiates and want to, like, stay in the same, like, path that they're going. We all went to the pharmacy to go get our medication, and when I went to the pharmacy, it was really weird. I Talked to the pharmacist and was like, yeah, I should have a prescription for X amount, whatever, Suboxone. And she looked and was like, yeah, we can't fill this. And I'm like, why? Why not? And she goes to tell me that my insurance wouldn't allow it because I'd already, my insurance had already been charged for too much of that specific medication in too short of a time period. And it was basically saying that under my insurance policy I was basically like charged for 30, like 30 days worth of Suboxone for like 40 people. So it was probably like a huge amount of the like clients that they had there. They just charged a bunch of people's medication under my insurance. So when I went to go like get that, it was like, oh no, you've had enough this month. You've reached your limit, right? And they were like, yeah, you've reached your limit. You actually can't pick this up. Yeah. And if you don't take your Suboxone on time, like you get really sick. So I was kind of freaking out and was like, oh, I'm not gonna be able to get my medication. That's not good. And I end up calling the insurance company. It ended up being like a very extensive, like few hour long conversation. Somebody else that works that like worked at the SL place also called them and was disputing it. Eventually after a few hours, like it got disputed, I end up getting my medication is fine. But that to me, I was like, this is weird. You guys are doing some weird. Like, not only was the medicating thing weird and the whole setting of the place weird, but the fact that I couldn't get medication myself because you guys just charge so much. Something's up. Yeah, I ended up getting that. We all got our medication. We ended up going back to the housing that evening, met the house manager. Because places like that usually have like, what's like a house manager and it's somebody that usually like lives on site. In this place, particularly the house manager lives on site. They live at that housing with everybody else. They get paid. Their housing and stuff is free, but they get paid on top of it. And they're the equivalent of like a behavioral health tech, except they are working 24 hours. They're just making sure everybody stays home, checking everybody about curfew. The house manager that was there like brought us pizza our first nights. We didn't have any money or food. And he also was like, do you guys want to go to AA meeting? We're all going to whatever this, like, clubhouse. And at that point, I. This is where it's gonna get kind of gross. I was so, like. I was like, I can't go. I, like, really have to go to the bathroom, but I don't know how long this is going to be. I went to the bathroom. Fun fact about opiates is it makes it really hard to. And I was fighting for my life. I ended up in the bathroom the entire time they were gone, basically, so for, like, probably, like, three hours. And I, like, locked myself in there, too, because I didn't want anybody walking in on me. But there was no, like, ventilation or anything, so it was just, like, 90 degrees in there, and I was just pouring sweat, fighting for my life. And by the time I got out, I was just shaking because just every fiber of my being hurt. And I birthed a small child. It was just horrifying. Like, I was like, this is a nightmare. And I thought. I felt like because of that. And then I go and, like, look at myself in the mirror after that, and I had this instant realization that, like, something further was wrong. Like, my pupils were saucers. I couldn't stop shaking, and I was cold and sweaty, and I. All my veins have risen to the surface of my skin. A bunch of telltale signs of going through withdrawals. And so upon leaving there, I noticed, like, I'm going through withdrawals again. That's weird. And I kind of immediately put two and two together. The fact, like, I was just taking all this Ativan at this place and all these mystery medications, and now I'm going through withdraws. I am probably withdrawing from benzos right now, and it's really dangerous. I don't know how many people know this, but alcohol and benzos are the most dangerous withdrawals because you can go and, like, get a seizure and die. You can essentially die from those. Going through any other withdrawals are miserable, but they're not. Like, life ending is really, like, freaked out and really upset about that, because I went into this place thinking, like, I was gonna get treatment there and that I'd be fine coming out. And then, lo and behold, I'm having worse withdrawals than when I came in. And immediately it was offered, like, do you want to go back? Do you want to go back to Maps? Like, they can help, like, taper you off better. And I was like, no, dude, this is the first time. I'm not doing it again. So we stayed at this. We stayed at the SL for a couple weeks. I want to say about two weeks. And, like, the first week, I was just, like, incredibly sick. I was sitting, like, you know, in a circle with everybody in group and just puking in, like, a trash can. The first day, they were like, we'll take you home. We'll let you, like, lay down and you can rest. But then after a few days of that, they were just like, okay, well, like, you need to do group. And without saying it, they were kind of just like, all right, we can't charge your insurance for group therapy if you're not here, so, like, you need to be here. So I. They ended up just, like, accommodating me as best as they could, which is just, like, letting me throw up mid group or, like, walk out of the room to throw up. I got to the point where I was just, like, so sick that the. I don't know who suggested it. I want to say it was either the house manager or the nurses. The nurse that worked there was like, we should just take you to the hospital because, like, this isn't healthy how much you're getting sick. Yeah. So I ended up getting dropped off at the hospital. I didn't have a phone or anything, so they were just. Their big thing was, call me from a hospital phone when you're ready to get picked up and tell the doctor that you are in treatment for drug and alcohol, so they cannot give you any narcotics. They need to put that wristband on you that indicates no narcotics. And I was like, okay, we'll do. So I did that. Told them all that. I told them what was going on, that I was puking so much, and they were like. Did a blood test, and they were like, your potassium level is dramatically, like, scarily low. Which I come to find out, like, they. They probably shouldn't have told me this, but, like, it's their job. But it scared the out of me. They're like, yeah, your potassium's so low, and that's really concerning. And I'm like, okay. Like, why. Why is that so scary? They're like, you know you can have a heart attack if your potassium is too low, right? Like, you're at risk for heart failure. And I was like, don't tell me that right now. I also. I don't have money to buy some potassium pills. And they gave me, like, a horse pill of potassium. And then they. After I explained to them what my financial situation was, they gave me this, like, list of food items that have high potassium in them. Aside from bananas. They were, like, peas and broccoli and this and mostly greens. Like, they were like, all of these have so much potassium in them. If you eat a bunch of this, like, that'll help you tremendously. So I was like, okay, I'll just somehow find a bunch of those. All of these places, there is this underlining tone that if you speak out or if you, like, do anything that they don't like, they can just kick you out at any moment. And, like, worse off, too. Aside from kicking you out, they can also, what's called, like, a Baker act. They can do Baker acting, which I don't know what they call it in other states. Like, where I'm from, it's called, like, a pink slip, but it's like the 72 hour hold at a mental health facility that's not like, with your will. There's been, like, a lot of times where people have been Baker acted just for being like, this is. I don't like this place. And then they're like, oh, yeah, actually, I need to get this patient to your hospital because they're threatening to kill themselves. Then at some point, my parents sent me down a new phone too. I want to say, like, a few days after I got there, they sent me down a new phone in the mail because they wanted to make sure that I had some way to get a hold of them in that same, like, couple weeks we were there. I stopped taking my Suboxone after a little bit because it really made my stomach hurt a lot. I was never like, a person that could do opiates comfortably and, like, not feel, like, nauseous. Yeah. Until one day that the property owner, he called and was like, I need rent from everybody, because you're supposed to pay after a few weeks of being there. I think it's after, like, your first four weeks of being there, you're supposed to pay weekly rent of like 100 bucks. And he's like, I need rent from everybody. No matter how long they've been there by tomorrow or they're being kicked out the next day. And he said, I'm gonna check out the property. If I come in and I see everybody's beds are not made and with green side facing up, they're getting kicked out as well, which is just like, so specific. I was like, okay, even if my bed's made correctly, but it's not the right color facing up, like, that's gonna piss you off. Jay and I were like, okay, well, if we need to get out of here, let's just go back to Maps and they'll take us back and we can just say we're going back to get off of our subs, because they do that. If you're like, I want to get off my Suboxone, they'll take you in. Insurance will cover that. Beginning of August, we ended up going back to Maps, put on benzos again. Going back, we end up staying for probably another, like, 21 to 30 days. The whole thing happens again where put on benzos but for less time. I also came across and re met somebody that I was familiar with from, like, northeast Ohio area at the hospital that I went to when I was with Audie. And I was doing, like, outpatient stuff when I did the inpatient. And I met this guy named Mark. And when I went to Maps, the second time I see this guy, and he's, like, on crutches, and I hear him talk, and I'm like, man, he looks so familiar. For some reason, I stopped him. And I'm like, like, hey, I think I know you. How do I know you? And he's like, I don't know. I'm from Fort Lauderdale, so I don't know what you're talking about. I was like, are you sure? Are you sure you're not from, like, such and such city? Because I'm pretty sure I know you. And then when I said that, he was like, yeah, actually, I am. And I was like, we were at such and such hospital together. Do you remember that? And he's like, oh, my God, yeah, I remember you. How are you doing? Blah, blah, blah. And, like, so, yeah, Sissy's on these heavy amount of benzos. I think they put her on more benzos than the last time she was there. She was being very combative because she'd make iced coffees for herself all the time. And then what would start as, like, a, like, verbal altercation would turn into her, like, throwing her iced coffee at people. So it's better than if it was boiling hot. Exactly. I was like, I'm really glad it was iced. But it happened a lot. Like, she was getting to the point where she was, like, throwing drinks at people, like, every day, multiple times a day. And with that, the doctors were just upping her doses because they were, I think, hoping to sedate her. But if anything, it was actually just making it worse. Yeah. And she wasn't reacting well to it at all. And we were staying there at what ended up being notoriously called bite Week. There would be anywhere between, like, two to six fights between patients every single day. My parents both ended up driving down, and they came to visit, and I don't think the treatment center wanted it to go the way that it went. I don't think at all. Because they showed up. They didn't call or anything. They never did because they didn't want anybody be prepared. So they showed up, they took a bunch of pictures of the cars in the parking lot because all the owners cars were like Lamborghinis and like nice cars, like Benz and shit. Like, my mom was taking photos to like prove, like, they're making a lot of money. They came down to visit and the staff ended up taking them through the building. Instead of going around the back to the conference room staff area, they went through the building and through the detox side. So my parents got a very direct view of what they ended up calling, like, saying to me later was like, zombies. They were really concerned and they were like, we just saw all of these patients that were not really conscious. They weren't. They were not present. And everybody's nodding out looked very zombie like. And they also, as they were sitting, they were. We were sitting in this conference room, similar to how it was with my dad and my aunt. Mind you, there's like cameras everywhere. Like all corners of everything in this place has cameras. Like I failed to mention earlier that like maps also had cameras in all the bedrooms. So like, no matter except the bathrooms. It was the only place that didn't have cameras. And that's where everybody would sneak off to have sex, which like, that happened all the time. I think his staff were very aware that happened. But that and like the movie theater room, even though there was cameras in there too, was dark, so it was a little bit different. But yeah, they had cameras everywhere. And the cameras had audio too, so they could hear everything too. And we're in this conference room and there's all these cameras and such. And my mom asked about, you know, how is this getting paid for? Because I've red flagged this on my insurance. Like, they aren't supposed to charge for insurance anymore. And my therapist like slipped up at that point and basically was like, oh, it's fine. She's just piggybacking off of Jays. And my parents were like, what the do you mean piggybacking off of his. And I think the therapist kind of realized really quickly, like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. That's not. It's not like information to be shared and talked about because it's not legal and it's. It's not. You're not supposed to do that. So she's just like, oh, no, no, don't worry about it. It kind of got brushed over after that, and it. They ended up. Yeah, they ended up visiting. Like, we had very few times where we were in private. Like, at some point, we were smoking outside, and we kind of had some privacy. And they were like, this place is weird. Something's wrong. And, like, they expressed some concerns to me, and I told them, like, it's fine. Everything's fine. Don't worry about it. So they left. And Jay was getting pulled out of the detox facility. He was getting pulled out of Maps by Chad, the guy that brought us down there, and going on little outings, I guess, having little meetings. He tamed, like, Dunkin Donuts, and which, like, that's also not supposed to be happening. Like, you're not supposed to just take people out of the treatment as you please because you work there. But he would. He would just take him, and I'd. I'd see Jay and he'd have, like, a Dunkin Donuts drink. And I'm like, where the. Did you get that? He's like, oh, yeah. Chad brought me to Duncan. We had, like, nice little talk. I don't know what their conversations looked like, but for my understanding, Jay was under the impression that Chad was going to help him get to do what he was currently doing as far as being a marketer, being a body broker. He was going. He was kind of essentially grooming him into his role. And that was something that they discussed when they met and when Jay was down there previously. And I wasn't fully aware until he was, like, getting pulled out and having these conversations, like, what that would look like. And then Jay and I talked about. He's like, yeah, he's. He's gonna get me a job here doing what he does. We're gonna make so much money. Chad makes so much money doing this. Like, he gets money for each person he pulls in. The problem was with that was that, like, Jay, like, foiled it. He foiled it for himself. He was too difficult to get along with, and he fought everybody all the time. If you're somebody that's trying to get people in the treatment, you're working with a lot of the same people. You really can't do that and be successful if people don't like you. And he ended up not doing that. Mark ended up filling the place of what Jace. What Jay was supposed to be doing. At the end of us staying there, we. The doctor recommended you should get on Vivitrol. It'll be really good for you. It's similar to Suboxone, except better. It's basically just a injectable medication. Usually they inject it in like your upper arm or like your butt cheek. And the medication is a stronger opiate antagonist. It has something called naltrexone in it. And that helps with both alcohol and opiates. Essentially, if you try to get high or drink on it, it just won't work. Like it won't register. Jay and I both got on the Vivitrol. I think the doctor was also receiving like some type of financial like incentment to be giving those. I just think there was an incentive there because he was really pushy about it. And anytime I've been in that situation where people are really pushy about stuff, it just usually means there's some particular reason at this point on so much benzos that she's barely coherent. We are interacting with her, but not as much because we can't hold a conversation or anything with her. The day before we left or the day that we left, I was sitting outside in the courtyard smoking, and she came out with like a cigarette in her hand, facing the wrong way. Started lighting like the mouth end of it, eyes completely closed, like talking to me. Could not open her eyes. And it was really disappointing and sad to see because I know if it were up to her, that wouldn't be the circumstance that she was in in that particular place. Jay and I leave Maps and we get discharged and we get offered to go to this place that is essentially, it's the Jesus place. It's a Christian based treatment center that Jay had been to previously. And they're like, do you guys want to go to this place? And I was like, the Jesus place? I don't, I don't know. I'm not religious and I don't know how I feel about doing religious treatment. And Jay was like, no, it's gonna be great. I've been there before. It's really close to like Miami and the Aventura malls over there. I had so much fun when I went there. I was like, okay, I mean, we can try that. So we, we get discharged, we go to Jesus place. We quickly realize that, like, they don't accept couples there. So when they did our intake stuff, they were like, you guys are a couple. We're like, no, no, no, we're just friends. Like, we're not dating this and that. They're like, no, we know you're a couple. We can tell that you're a couple. We already know you're a couple. They determined that Jay would stay on the property. They had what was called, like, the compound sounds very culty, but he'd stay on the compound, which was their housing on property. He would go to Iop, he would see the doctor, he would get his prescriptions and whatever. And then for myself, because I couldn't stay on the compound with him as his partner, I could stay a couple blocks down at the woman's house. And I was taking like antidepressants and such at the time. I needed to be able to see a doctor. I needed to be able to get my vivitrol shot and or mental health medication. I also needed to be able to get like my birth control, basic needs. I wanted to just have medical care. And I also was there for treatment. I didn't just want to stay in a house with a bunch of women. I wanted to. To do the treatment portion of it also if I was going to be there. So I was pretty upset that they kind of set it up that way and more upset when I went into the housing and dropped off all my stuff and met everybody there to discover that there would be bedrooms about the size of smaller than the room we're in now with about four women. And I was like, oh, I'm not gonna have my own dresser. I'll have a drawer for all my stuff. I'll have a bed that's was 2 inches away from somebody else's. Everywhere else I've stayed was two beds per room. This is four. And I'm also surrounded by all these people that are hugging me and like, jesus loves you. And I'm like, I don't feel comfortable right now. So upon realizing that, I was like, this sucks. And as soon as I established that thought process and realized I did not want to be there anymore, Jay came from down the street because he was getting settled into. Came from down the street and was like, let's go to the Aventura mall. Chad is going to meet us there and he's going to buy us stuff because he promised us all this money. We never got it. So he's going to buy us some nice stuff. Let's go on an adventure. I was like, okay, yeah, we can do that. We got on the bus, we went to the mall. Chad never showed up. We were walking around, like, for hours and he never showed up. I had just a pair of flip flops on and like a romper, like shorts and like tank top romper. We were walking around. We didn't look the greatest to be walking around the Gucci stores. But we were like, it. Somebody's gonna come and buy us stuff. Never showed up. So then Jay was like, well, let's go do something else. Goes over to the liquor store, and he buys, like, a pint of, like, vodka or tequila. And we both took the Vivitrol shot. So I was like, I don't think it's gonna work. And he's like, no, if we drink enough, it will work. So we started just drinking, like, straight out of the pint. And it took a while, but I. And eventually felt the effects of the alcohol, but it took a lot. And we ended up, like, hopping the gates of the skated community, brown bag in hand, just, like, walking around. And I know we came across a pool, and there was some guy swimming in it. And Jay was just, like, walking up and talking to this guy and talking about, like, oh, yeah, like, we're here in town visiting, like, friends, and, like, made up some story and was just. Everybody we came across there, he was telling them that he was a bridge painter for a living and that I worked as a therapist in drug and alcohol treatment. I don't know how or why, but these people are just like, oh, yeah, that's crazy. So, like, we went to this pool and was, like, swimming in this pool with some random people. I was, like, fully in my romper and stuff, just swimming around in it. We ended up walking by this, like, ground level, like, apartmenty penthouse thing, and these, like, two or three, like, older gentlemen, they were having, like, a party of sorts, and they had three women with them that were very young, Latino women that were super pretty and very sweet. And I don't know about. I don't know who they were, but part of me was like, are you guys here because you have. Or they have money or. What is this situation? It looked like it. Interesting situation. Go off to the girls, But I just. The dynamic was kind of weird there. And he. Jay, ended up, like, schmoozing and talking to them, and the guy ended up inviting us inside and was like, do you want to come drink with us? And we're all drinking together, and it turned in us, like, partying with these random people. And the girls were so nice. Like, they were a little bit older than we were at the time. They're probably around the age I am now. And they were super sweet. And then Jay's, like, flirting with some of them, and they're like, isn't that your girlfriend? And he's like, oh, no, that's not. That's not my Girlfriend to me. And I'm like, oh, what the am I then? Because that's not what we've been this whole time. And they could tell that, like, I was, like, embarrassed and confused that he just said that. And then the girls were like, you should just leave him, like, right in front of him. He's ugly anyway. Who cares? And I was like, like, okay, go off. And then he got mad. We ended up leaving because of that. I think he was hoping he'd get lucky with one of those girls at that point. We were kind of drunk. And then he looked at me. He's like, let's go to Overtown. Okay? Like, what's Overtown? So it was this place in Miami. I want to go. I've heard all about it, and I want to go check it out. Let's go to Overtown. Let's get an Uber. I was like, okay, we can get an Uber. We'll go to Overtown when we get there. I was like, this place looks like a ghost town. Something looks off. A bunch of windows are boarded up. It's not very active. The few people you could see out and about were, like, walking around, hood up or, like, staying in tents outside. You know, little things that are a little concerning, such as, like, chalk outlines from body markers. And I'm like, oh, somebody died here, and there's still chalk outline here. That's concerning. And we came across a couple of those, heard some, like, not great sounds going around as well. And I was like, this place is kind of fucking scary. Why are we here? He goes, well, I heard this is, like, one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Miami, and I want to check it out. I was like, yeah, with me, it's like, yeah, why not? This is fun. I'm like, this is not fun. I'm genuinely, really, really scared right now, and I don't think I want to be here. Often people get, like, kidnapped essentially, and put through human trafficking in certain areas and just in a lot in Florida. It's pretty prominent in Ohio, too, But Florida, I really. I didn't know where I was, and I had met a few people that had themselves been trafficked down there. Aside from, like, medically, they just were picking up drugs from somebody and got taken and sold. And I started. We started talking about when Jay and I were in Overtown, started talking about how, like, we wanted to find drugs, and we were looking for crack and this and that. And then he started joking with me about how he was gonna sell me for some rocks. He's like, yeah, Dude, I want. We don't have any money, but I just give him you. I'll just give him you for some rocks. And that genuinely started scaring the out of me. And I started crying because I was, like, very convinced, and I still am convinced that he probably would have if given the opportunity to, and that scare the out of me. He's like, oh, I'm just joking. I'm just joking. But then kept on carrying on the joke. And I was like, this isn't funny. Like, that's terrifying to think about. And we ended up coming across, like, a bridge that had a plethora of tents and people underneath it. And we saw some people were, like, smoking crack down there. So Jay was like, I'm gonna give your phone to this guy for some rocks in a pipe. And I was like, that's a terrible idea. Are we not waiting on an Uber to get picked up and leave here, or do we want, like, an exit strategy? Because we don't have another phone. We only have this one phone. He's like, no, no, no. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna give your phone to this guy for these drugs, and then we're gonna come back around. I'm gonna fight him. I'm gonna beat him up, and I'm gonna take it back. And there's, like, many people down there. And I was like, no, the hell you're not. You were not about to sell my phone to some dude and then come back around and beat him up up for the phone back. If anything, you're gonna get jumped and, like, killed. So he was convinced. So he's like, I'm gonna do this. He handed my phone over. He took the phone for me, handed it over, and I tried to take it out of the guy's hand, and I was like, no, I don't want to sell that. And both the guy and Jay were like, no, no, dude, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And then my phone is gone. But Jay was just convinced, like, no, we're gonna get this, and then we're gonna come back and we're gonna beat him up. And we did. We walked around, and then all gone. They all left. So he didn't know where the guy ended up with a phone. And we still had an Uber on the way. Right before that, Chad sent us an Uber. This Uber pulls up next to us, and he yells out the window, and he goes, uber doesn't even stop. And we're like, yeah, yeah. Pulls off. I was like, okay, That's. That was probably our ride. Didn't want to stop. He said, bye. So we end up stuck down there, and we went to, like, a park, and Jay was like, I need to sleep. I'm so tired. This and that. But I was still, like, very high strung. Like, we got this alleged crack, and we smoked it and everything. And that's something that's, like, not supposed to last that long. It's supposed to be, like, maybe a couple minutes. We both, like, laid in the grass at this park, and I just laid with my eyes open for the rest of the night, staring at the sky, listening to all of us, all the things around us that could be going on. He slept somehow, or at least, like, seemed like he was sleeping. And I didn't want to because I didn't know, like, if I close my eyes in the middle of this park, in this neighborhood that's known for being dangerous and has not shown me otherwise yet, what's gonna happen? So in the morning, some, like, kids walked up to us, and we're just like. We're like, a hundred or so yards away just staring at us. And I was like, we should go. The children in this neighborhood are. Are very confused, and we look stupid right now. We walk back to Miami after that, and we were like, we need to go to a hospital. Because we started to realize that we were going through benzo withdrawals again and just medication withdrawals. We ended up stopping and asking the cops that we saw on the side of the road to take us to the hospital. We're like, hey, would you be able to take us to the hospital? We're going through bad withdraws. Jay also had had seizures in the past, and he was like, I feel like I'm gonna have a seizure. I just feel like that's coming at any point. And I was like, okay, we definitely do need a hospital then. So he. We told the cops that, and they were just kind of like, okay, we can call an ambulance, I guess. And I was like, yeah, dude, like, just a ride. If you're not willing to take us. If you're not willing to take us, like, an ambulance will suffice. Like. Like something that gets us on wheels and gets us there. So they have an ambulance come, and the EMT in the ambulance. I've never come across, like, such rude emt, but they were just, like, not having it. We had these bracelets on that were given to us when we got the Vivitrol shot, claiming, like, hey, I'm on the Vivitrol. Shot. And those indicators are for, like, medical emergencies. If you get into a car accident and they try to put a bunch of. Of, like, pain medication in your iv, they know that it, like, won't work. Okay? So it's. And also, if they take a medication, if something happens and they take a medication that might interact with it, it's so they. The doctors know that you're already on this, like, extended release injectable medication. We got in the ambulance, and the EMT was giving us such a hard time about, like, oh, you guys are on. You guys are on drugs. You're like, up. What are you guys doing? User on heroin? And we were like, no, we're actually. We're on the vivitrol shots. Like, we can't even do opiates if we wanted to. And they're like, I don't know what the that is. And I was like, you work in the medical field. How have you never heard of this? Especially down here where there's, like, 400 treatment centers in one county, Right? Like, you should know this. And they didn't know. They just took us to the hospital, berate us the whole time. And then instead of taking us and, like, checking us in and being like, hey, we have these people. They dropped us off, and we thought the EMT went to the desk and was like, we have these two that we just brought in. This is what's going on. Because I've been to the hospital before. I've taken an ambulance a couple times. And they usually check you in in the ambulance. They didn't do that for us. They dropped us off. We sat in the waiting room. We sat there for a while. And then we started noticing all these people go in before us that came in after us. And we're like, what's happening? Yeah. And then so we walked up to the desk, like, hey, did the EMT tell you we were here? Like, the EMS care? And they're just like, I don't. How'd you get here? And then we were like, okay, this is really hoopty. So we gave them our info, checked ourselves in. I was severely dehydrated. I hadn't drinking water or any fluids aside from alcohol this entire time, too. So I hadn't peed in, like, over 24 hours. So I was like, oh, this is probably bad. They took Jay, and I think because he mentioned something about, like, epilepsy or seizures, they took him, and they've had him go in, like, a bad back room. And then for me, they had me go in, like, what was like, kind of essentially like a booth. And they wanted me to give them a drug test, like a urine test. And I was like, I can't pee right now. I don't have fluids in my body to pee. I need, like, fluids. That's why I'm here. It's like, can you just give me saline and IV So I'm hydrated, and they gave me, like, a cup of. Of water. Like, a little cup of water. And they were like, drink that and then pee for us. And I'm like, I promise you this is not gonna. I need more water than this. And I just kind of gave up at that point. I am made from the hospital. I was still in the building. I just wasn't in the ER anymore. I finally called my parents. They had a few places that were in mind for me for treatment still. And I called them. They were excited. They were like, oh, my God, Yeah, we can get you into this place. We'll call them right now, let them know where you're at, and then call me back in, like, 20 minutes, because they had no way to get a hold of me. So I came back to the ER portion of the hospital, and they had released Jay, but he was just in the waiting room crying because I left him, and he thought I abandoned him there. And I showed up, and he, like, looked at me all sniffly and was like, oh, my God. Where have you been? What is going on? And he's like, don't worry. I got this and made a few phone calls. We got a ride, and it was really, really weird and surreal realizing how much we looked very, like, untouchable in that moment, I guess, to everybody around us, because we were outside of the hospital setting, and everybody asked, like, hey, can you tell me what time it is by any chance? Or anything like that. They would just look back, look down at their feet, and walk by us. You know, the people that are walking around, like, downtown in any major city, and they see somebody out on the street that's living outside, and they look the other way or they walk in the other direction and blatantly ignore them for the sake of not having a interaction that would make him uncomfortable was like, what that experience felt similar to. I think a lot of those people thought we were houseless and that we were, like, being a nuisance and trying to ask them for money or something. So every time I was like, hey, can you tell me what time it is? They just were like and just kept on going. And I was like, this is really unsettling. And also, it's a little dehumanizing, but we'll figure it out eventually. I think somebody eventually ended up telling us the time Jay went into McDonald's next door to get water. And this lady that also just left the hospital, I think she amate as well, though, because she was wearing a full gown, bought two cheeseburgers, and gave him one. And she was like, I think you need this. And it was, like, one of the nicest things that anybody did at that time, because everybody was mostly just trying to get things out of us. The Uber showed up, and we're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. And we shared our little cheeseburger in the back seat of the Uber, drove to this, like, outpatient program to go and see if they would take us there. The problem was that this place that my parents recommended, it wasn't a detox facility. It was, like, a IOP and PHP facility. So you live in housing on property, but you do, like, classes and stuff. It's not, like, the same extensive care. And we were both withdrawing from benzos, so we both had benzos in our system still. So after they did urinalysis, like, they looked at Jay immediately, and they were like, we can't take you. We can tell that you're going through withdrawals and you need to be in inpatient, like, more extensive care. And then they looked at me, and they're like, we might be able to take you. And I was like, I don't want to be separated. But when they did my urinalysis test and they saw that benzos came up as well, they were like, actually, we can't take either of you because we can't be liable. Just, we don't function that way. They ended up referring us to another detox facility. We ended up going to the Soflo center. And we. I didn't know anything about this place, really. It was out in, like, Okeechobee, which is kind of in the middle of nowhere in Florida. Florida. It was the only place I'd been to the entire time I was there that served meals that have balanced meals. Like, I got breakfast there the first morning, and it was on a ceramic plate with actual silverware, and it was fully balanced. Vegetables, fruit, protein, grains. Like the. You see, with, like, the food pyramid. They put it all out there. I was still, like, zooming. It was just really weird because I was like, this should not be this way. But whatever. We did our, like, urine test. It came up as, like, nothing. And when I started talking to the nurse, that did, like, the testing and was giving us our medication and explained to him. I was like, you know, yeah, we were just in overtown, and we got some crack that, like, I'm still kind of feeling, and that's really weird. And this nurse was like, first of all, why the were you over there? You know, the cops go there in Paris for a reason, right? And I was like, no, I didn't know that, actually. Nobody told me that. He said, secondly, yeah, you didn't pop up for cocaine or anything. Are you sure you didn't buy flakka? Because it could have just been Flocka. And I was like, I don't. I don't know. What does Flocka feel like? And he was like, similar to what you're experiencing right now, but I don't have testing for it, so I don't know. And I was like, oh, I still, like, don't know if that was the case, but very possibly. I don't really know shit about Flocka to this day, aside from the fact that it is that drug that everybody thought was really scary online and makes people crazy. But that's what the nurse seemed to think it was. And he was just really surprised that we didn't get abducted in that time, because he was like, you know, like, a lot of time, people. The drugs are really strong over there, and, like, there's a lot of people that get kidnapped over there. And I was like, oh, well, you're just telling me all the scary stuff that I'm not in it anymore, But I'm worried that that could have happened while we were there, though. We were staying in scrubs the whole time. We only had. I had the same pair of contacts in my eyes this entire time, too, which was not fun. And about halfway through our stay, we were coming, like, doing a taper, and the doctor there kept on taking me to the hospital because every time they would do my, like, vitals, they check my vitals, and my heart rate was, like, alarmingly high to them. And at that point, my heart rate most of the time at treatment places was, like, resting upon waking at, like, 120, which is pretty high. I think my resting heart rate now is, like, maybe 80. So between 120 and 140 for, like, a resting heart rate is concerning. I just didn't realize how concerning until I went to this place, and the doctor was like, I'm worried you're gonna get an EKG done. So they sent me a couple times to get an EKG done, and it was fine. I didn't have any, like, bad had things going on. It was just a really high heart rate that they said would even out over time. They said, like, extensive stimulant use can do that and this is fine. You'll be okay. So I'm like, okay, cool. So about like, we stayed for about a week there too. And halfway through that time, Jay ama, he approached me and was like, I. I just got sent money for my mom to get a phone. She's sending me a phone and I'm leaving. You want to come with me? And I was like, no, dude, I don't. I'm one. I'm sick of moving around right now. I'm really like, I want to sit down for a second. Secondly, like, we're still coming off benzos. I'd like to finish this taper that we have going on and finish coming off of these so I can feel okay and not just like, leave only to be sick again. Because I'm sick of walking around this hot ass sun, sick as and miserable and lost. I tell them, like, can you get a hold of me though, or come back for me? He said like, no. Like, can't promise you anything, but maybe. I was like, okay, that's fantastic. So he ended up leaving. I got really sad and depressed about it after that. I tried to AMA myself with my, my white scrubs, looking like a patient walking around town. Every building I walked into, try to make a phone call. They were like, literally told me to leave. They were like, no, no, you have somewhere you need to be and it's not here. And I was like, all right. You guys know I like escaped the detox facility and I'm here, so they didn't want any of it. And I ended up coming back. I tried to ama, walked around town for like a couple hours, no luck. Ended up coming back and was like, take me back. I have nowhere to go. So easily took me back in when it came time for me to get discharged because we got there through the referral. Referral of this other treatment center. The plan was for them to send us to that treatment center because the place went by. Like, if this place refers you, this is where you go. I would have to go into a setting where I'm not familiar. I'd have to have my phone taken to go through the PHP program. You can't have your cell phone. So I wouldn't be able to get a hold of anybody. And then I'd essentially be on my own at this point. I'm like, lord knows Where Sissy is, she's just. Just somewhere. Like, I didn't even have any grasp of what was going on with her life at this point. I just knew at that point I was alone and I didn't want to be. I was like, all right, let me call my mom then. And then they told me, like, no, you can't call your mom. We aren't. We are not allowing that. And I was like, why not? That's my emergency contact. I should be able to call that person. Like, well, your last conversation with your mom was unpleasant, which I wasn't, like, threatening her. We weren't, like, yelling. We were arguing. But because they deemed that conversation as unpleasant, they just barred me from talking to her, period, at that point. And at that point, I was like, all right, well, you guys, like, what do you. What do you want from me, then? What are you gonna do with me if I don't go to this place? And they're like, oh, we drop you off at a safe location. Like, you know, that would be a library, a local hospital, bus stop. There's, like, a train that cuts from, like, West Palm beach to Miami. They're like the Tri Rail. At that point, I was just so pissed off. I was like, how dare you offer to drop me off at the train station knowing I came in here with nothing. I have no phone, no form of identification, just the clothes on my back that I showed up with. And you want to drop me off at the train station? I might as well jump out in front of the train if you're going to be doing that, because I'm gonna die out there if you just drop me off in the middle of nowhere with no access to anything. And that was the worst mistake I could have made saying something like that was they were like, sign this to release. And I was like, no, you. And was just yelling at everybody at that point. And so they call the cops. And they were like, she wants to kill herself by jumping out in front of a train. We need you to take her to the hospital. So the cops came, and they ended up taking me to this place in, like. Like. I think it was like, Port St. Lucie or Fort Pierce or something, which is, like, 45 minutes away. They, like, put me in cuffs, too, which was very unnecessary. Put me in cuffs in the back of the car. Drove me, like, 45 minutes to go to a mental health clinic. And at that point, I was just so distraught. I was like, how the hell did I find myself in this position? I'm in a position that Jay Warned me about when we got down here. He told me, if you complain too much or you say the wrong thing, they will retaliate and put you in a compromising position. I'm like, dude, I should have listened to what he said about that. And I didn't. And then I find myself in another city, going to another place, and I'm doing my intake there, and I'm so overwhelmed. I'm just crying. And I'm like, I don't need to be here. And the lady was like, huh? Sure you don't. But, like, no way I'm going to believe you if you're this, like, ballistic right now. And I got there, and it was very different than the mental health clinics that I went to in Ohio, typically, the one that I would go to because I'd gone a couple times and gotten done inpatient mental health stuff in Ohio previously for, like, pseudo suicidal ideations and then for that suicide attempt. And that place was, like, really cushy compared to the place I went in Florida. Like, they separated people by circumstances, dual diagnosis, just mental health. More like severe forms of mental health, like intensive care. People that are just, like, withdrawing detox. Like this place was. Everybody is just in a room together. And then I get a phone call, like one of the nurses, like, hey, you have a phone call, by the way. It's Jay's mom again on the phone. I was like, like, how did you get a hold of me? What is going on? Where's he at? She was like, oh, yeah. So for my understanding, he's back at the SL place. He's got a job with, like, a moving company and stuff. Like, he's doing pretty good. I was like, you're kidding me. I'm doing all this right now. And he's just living his life, working at this moving company unbothered. And I said, please give me his number. I need to call him. Him. And I called him. I was like, where are you? What are you doing? He's like, oh, yeah? I'm just like, I'm back at this place. Like, this is what's going on. He was like, where are you at right now? I was like, I'm a mental hospital like, an hour north of you. And he's like, oh, man, that sucks. And I'm like, yeah, that does suck. And I was like, I need help, dude. I need to get out of here. And he was like, what, you think I can help you? I can't get you out of there. I can't do anything for you. And he Started crying. He was like, you better stop crying, man. If you're crying on the phone right now, they're gonna think you're, like, like more unwell than you actually are. And they're gonna, like, not let you leave. Like, you're just furthering, like, tightening that noose right now. And I was like, okay, thanks. I'm guess I'm freakity now because you're not gonna. You can't do anything to help me, but also, you don't care to. So I ended up staying for, like, three days at that place. I ended up going back to that SL place. Jay was already there, and he was staying at different housing than I was. The problem was I didn't have a phone still. I didn't have any of my belongings. So I was just wearing the same clothes that I've been wearing. This little romper at some point when I got there, ended up acquiring stuff, you know, she. Last time we saw her, she was at Maps. Still should have a AMA from there. Meeting some guy somehow and then traveling around to different states with this guy, like, up and down between Ohio and Florida. From my understanding. He was also very abusive, though, and was like, assaulting her. She ends up back down at Maps again. Well, Jay and I are at the SL place, so she had, like, her own little adventure going on, I guess you could say. One of the paper health techs showed up. Just call him, like, Mac. He worked there for a little while. Mac showed up and was like, hey, are you ready to go to the new woman's house? And I was like, okay, that's fine. They moved me in to this, like, essentially it's like little house cottage. They didn't like, prepare the housing is. The problem is I got there, there was no toilet paper. There was no light bulbs for any of the lights. There was like all this kitchen stuff. Like the microwave and stuff was still boxed up. I think Mac offered to take me back down to the, like, Aventura Hollywood area to go back to the Jesus place and go get mine and Jay's stuff. And I did. I went back and I got it all, only to discover that the Christian ladies that were in the house stole so much of my. Almost every piece of makeup I had in there was gone. All my hair stuff, a bunch of my clothes were gone. And then when getting Jay's stuff, a bunch of that was ramsacked. So, like, yeah, I got my stuff back finally. I also got a tax return at this around this time. So I was able to buy a phone. I Also started doing AA with my, like, then sponsor, who was also Max girlfriend. So I was doing that and I felt really good. I felt like I was in this, like, pink cloud myself. And I was like, life is good. I'm this person who's doing the stuff I should be doing. Meanwhile, though, like, mine and Jay's relationship was just, like, spiraling. It was like we weren't staying together and he didn't seem to care to, like, want to be. And he just seemed like he gave no shits. He downloaded Tinder at some point. Like, we were established dating. But then I, like, found out he, like, downloaded Tinder and, like, bumble and stuff and was, like, going on dates with people on Tinder and, like, come to find out, like, later on that he, like, was cheating on me. Like, most of the time that we ever dated and throughout most of the places that we went to, he, like, cheated on me. So. So once he did that, I downloaded it too, and I was like, maybe you'll get jealous. Did not work. He did not get jealous of me doing it. The only time he ever was remotely, like, bothered was I think I, like, matched with somebody, like, just for funsies. It wasn't. I wasn't, like, actually interested in the person, but I matched with somebody that I knew was at the facility we were at. And then he was upset. Oh, he thinks you want to sleep with him now? This and that. And I was like, like, well, you're actively trying to with other people, so I don't really care if he thinks that. Shortly after that, Jay decided, like, he wanted to leave and he wanted to go back to Maps because Chad reached out to him and was like, hey, like, I can bring. I can give you actual money this time if you come back. And they had some arrangement going on where, like, Jay was being promised money that, that he wanted to get and was very adamant that he was going to get this money. And when he's there, he ends up AMA from there. And he left with this, like, couple. The girl in that relationship was kind of, like, deemed by the staff as, like, the princess of Maps. Like, they called her that. So he left with, like, the princess and her boyfriend, and they were running around town getting high. And I hadn't heard from him for, like, 48 hours or so. So it was male. Mom called me and was like, I'm worried. Can we file missing persons report? I finally got in contact with him and I convinced Mac, the, like, behavior health tech that was dating my sponsor. I convinced him to help me go Pick him up so we can bring him back and take him to the SL place. And we picked him up, and Jay tried convincing me to get out of the van and, like, leave with him and was like, no, come on, let's go. And Mac was like, no, you need to get back. You need to get in the van too. We're gonna go. Go. When we got back, he, like, didn't want to come there. He was like, I don't want to be a client for you guys anymore. So Mac was like, okay, then you need to be off the property, because if you're not staying here, you can't be here. Essentially. It's just not. It's not. Doesn't work that way. So he ended up getting, like, kicked off the property. And at this point, it's like, night time, and he's still, like, lurking around the property, I guess, like, he's still in the area. And I was told specifically, like, do not let him in. Do not let him stay here. At that point, Sissy is back, and she's staying there, and she's staying in the other bedroom. So in our space. It's only two of us in this house right now. It's her in one bedroom and me in the other one. And I ended up sneaking Jay in and letting him spend the night with me. And Sissy came in in the morning, like, in my room in the morning and saw him, and she's like, what the are you doing here? So we went across the bridge to the other side of town, and then we came across somebody. Some car pulled up to us at the gas station, and this guy was like, oh, you wanna. You want to come and hang out? Like, offering to, like, take me with them to hang out and, like, pay for me, like, to be there. And Jay's like, oh, maybe you should do that. And I was like, no, he's gonna want me to, like, sleep with him. Like, he's looking for prostitution and, like, an escort. Like, that's not. I'm not trying to do that. Somehow through all that, we ended up meeting somebody that was, like, sold us, I think, heroin and crack. I wasn't doing the Vivitrol shot anymore. I stopped doing that because I was tired of the way it made me feel. We were getting high all day. We went across the bridge. We're just getting high all day. We brought that back to the property to, like, Singer island property. And if you're familiar with, like, freebasing, it's, like, where you, like, take, like, heroin, for example. You like, put it on foil and you would light the foil underneath and like, suck up the smoke with a straw. And we were doing that. We were like, smoking. It finally ended up catching up with us. I don't know if somebody found the foil that we were leaving everywhere or just like, they saw Jay and was like, you don't need to be here. But we kind of got, like, caught. We were told, like, y'all need to like, figure this out. We can have you go to the PHP house, further your level of care, like up it a little bit it. And if he wants to, he can. If not, he needs to go. So I didn't want to do that. I would have my phone taken away and I wouldn't be able to leave property and all these, like, restrictions that I wasn't wanting, especially with him not present. I didn't want to feel alone at all down there. So I was like, no, not doing that. We'll go somewhere else. We call this. This place also another detox. We call Dodd. The whole time I'm bringing my bags from the apartment to the car, Mac is just sitting outside the apartment and just talking. Like, he's just like you. You just follow him everywhere he goes. You have no word for yourself. There's no independence there. You need to do something for yourself. You're just his little follower. He wasn't necessarily, like, dogging me, and I don't think that was his goal, but I think he was trying to get in my head and convince me that, like, what I'm doing is not necessary. Because he's like, you don't need to do this. Like, you can stay here. You don't need to do it. Just cuz he's doing it. You don't need to. When he says jump, you don't need to say how high. And I was just took it as like, you know, you. You're talking so much, you're not even helping me. You're just watching me lug these bags and dogging me right now. And it just made me so mad. And then at some point during this process of me moving my stuff, Jay has a seizure in front of the property. Like right in their front lawn. And then Mac and like the rest of the staff that was around was immediately pissed. They were like, okay, he needs to go because he's not a client there. They didn't want to be liable if something happened. And they were just like, nope, get. Get out now. We ended up getting in like the van, going to dod Your DOD when we got there we were put on benzos again when we're there. I don't find out until later that, like, Jay was, like, making out with some random girl a few times when we were there. And I wondered the whole time why her friend wanted to fight me so badly. And that was why. We stayed at Dodd for, I want to say, like, maybe a week or so. And then this is, like, still in November. We get sent out. We leave there. We go to this other IOP halfway house program, the LC Program. Because of just, like, circumstances, they sent us back to dod, and that was on, like, Thanksgiving Day. I got really depressed. We were there with a girl that we were at Maps with previously. So this girl Taylor was at Maps with us a couple times previously. And Jay started getting kind of fond of her and is being very flirtatious and was like. And I just closed myself off. I would stay in my room for all day, basically. I'd come out to, like, get food and to get my medication, but then I would just be in my room, like, writing in my journal about how I want to kill myself and crying and laying and sleeping and just, like, a really terrible state of mind. And he never checked in on me. Never, like, tried to see if I was okay. Nothing like, that. Was just too occupied with this other girl. And then I came out the one night, and they were in the main, like, lounge area watching a movie, cuddling together. And it just pissed me off so much. I, like, had a water bottle, and I just, like, dumped it all over them and threw it at him and was like, you. They were both just kind of like, wow, you're crazy. I went to go leave, and I was like, I'm not staying here, not with him. So I walked down the street, and then I was like, I should turn back before something terrible happens to me. So I turned back and I came back in, and they were like, oh, you didn't make it very far. I was like, yeah, no, her. That Taylor girl. And I ended up talking about everything, and I apologized for, like, my reaction toward her, and we started talking, and we ended up working things out. Like, kind of both apologized to each other, and then we were on good terms. And she was like, yeah, I'm actually like, I'm not trying to step on your toes. I was under the impression you guys broke up. I'm so sorry. Then that made Jay really upset because he was like, his plans were destroyed. We kind of, like, broke up. Ish. And then immediately got back together a few days later, like, well, still at this Place we went to suggest with my therapist, it was the same as his. We had the same therapist. We went to suggest with our therapist other places to go to aside from the five places that they recommend. And when they. The therapist was this really nice older lady, and she Googled it for us. So we were like, let's I'm gonna go to this place. And she looked up online and it was like, this page cannot be found. What about this place? This page cannot be found. Everything she googled about other treatment centers would just come up as, like, invalid online. And from what I gathered later was like, there was just a web browser block on the computers that the only options that were seeable were the ones that they were directly affiliated with and would get kickbacks from. So if somebody suggested, I want to go to such and such place, not one of the five, it wasn't an option because they weren't going to make money if you did that. That. So it was one of the five or nothing. We ended up going back to the same place, went back to the lc and we didn't like it. It sucked. We stayed for, like, two days. And then we're like, this is not fun. So we went to this place, the sunshine place. And we arrived in December, like, a few days before my birthday. It was a completely different vibe, completely different than any place that we'd been. You had to get a job within a certain amount of time. They would put you on property restriction, meaning that you could. Couldn't leave. The people were great. On my birthday, another girl was. Her birthday was around the same time, and they came out with a cake with both of our names on it. And I've only been there for a couple days, and they're, like, singing Happy birthday to us and stuff. And I was like, like, this is really personable. And sometime during this time, like, that Zeke guy that Jay went to Maps with, he was also next door at SL with, I started getting like. Like, word of Zeke walking around and telling people that him and Jay were sleeping together and that Paige can't know, but, like, we, like, have a thing and this and that and, like, talking about how they're, like, romantically involved with each other. I ended up telling him, like, angrily was. Told him, like, confronted him about it as if it was true. To see his reaction and, like, gauge that. And it. I don't know. It ended up, like, pissing him off. And he was like, that's not true. What the hell? And then he was really angry with Zeke after that, and, like, was Calling him all these, like, very homophobic slurs and was like, never talk to him again after that. But gets to be like, New Year's and about New Year's Eve, Jay looks at me and he's like, I'm going back to Maps. They're offering me money again. Which they never, like, got more than 100 or 200, like, the entire time. And all the times that we went. And I was like, okay, well, what am I supposed to do? It's like, you wait here. I'm gonna get money. Zeke and I are going. So even though he had all this drama with Zeke previously, he's like, I'm gonna bring him, and I'm gonna make a buck off of him. I ended up being alone at Sunshine for some odd days. Actually, I think he left a little bit before New Year's, and I was alone. And it was. Was especially lonely because Sissy wasn't right next door anymore. I still had contact with her, and she was still around, and she was doing good at this new place, but she wasn't right next door anymore either. And I got really depressed. I contacted Chad and was like, I want to come to Maps, too. When I showed up there, Jay was not happy. He was pissed. He saw me and was like, what the are you doing here? You shouldn't be here. And it was, like, weird to me how angry he was to see me. Zeke was also, like, kind of unhappy. I was completely, like, not completely, but I was fairly honest with my intake about how I hadn't been using certain things and, like, not to certain excess, and honest enough that they weren't prescribing me benzos. So when I found out that Jay was. And that he was getting all this medication, I wasn't. I looked at the staff there and was like, listen, if you don't give me the medication that I want, I. I'm leaving. I'll just ama. They didn't want that. So a couple of texts, like, pulled me into their office where they do the urine tests, and they were like, when we did your intake, we realized that there was a few mistakes in there, and it wasn't fully accurate. So we're wondering if you want to do that again if we. We can adjust a few things that need changed. And it immediately clicked that I was like. Like, ah, they want to forge my intake information, redo it so I can get medicated. So I did it again, and I lied to them and, like, told them exaggerated numbers so I can get medicated, and then was given medication. I Ended up staying, getting my meds. And Maps was opening up their own IOP program in halfway house living. And they had all these promises, like, we're gonna do Instacart for the groceries, and we're gonna have a laundry service, and there's a pool, and it's really nice. Like, it's very modern, like, housing and stuff. So we were really excited, and ourselves and a few other clients that we were would know, like, to be there constantly. Were also, like, promised spots there that was, like, fine and dandy. And then we went to go get discharged. And the day that we get our discharge, I was packed in my stuff. I went outside to smoke, and then I was called into, like, the behavioral tech office. They're like, hey, we need to see you about something. And they're like, so you and Jay both pop positive for fentanyl in your last test. And I was really confused because how did that happen? When I came in, I wasn't testing positive for fentanyl. I hadn't done fentanyl in months. And there's no way it would still be in my system. The whole time I was there. It wasn't in my system. Same with him. I'd like to do it again, and I'd like to see you open the test strip, strip and dip it in there. I'd like to see that it's, like, new and not faulty. So they did. They gave me a cup. I went to the bathroom, peed again, and I watched them open it, dip the test strip, pull it out, and it came up as negative. And they ended up saying, well, you know, that doesn't count, actually, because nobody was in the room with you and you peed. And I said, well, nobody was in the room with me the first time I did it either. Why did that one count? But this one doesn't? And they're like, well, like, it just doesn't count. And I was like, I'll do another test. Like, I'll drink some water. I'll do another test. You guys can watch me pee this time. And then upon offering that, it was. The response was just like, yeah, no. Like, we don't have time for this. We don't have time to go over and over again and do all these urine analysis. Like, it's just a waste of our time. We already know you're positive for fentanyl. There's no reason for it. We were really confused, and we're like, why? Why are you guys so convinced that we did this? Like, that test was not. Not accurate. We didn't do anything. Nobody would believe us. Nobody understood that that wasn't the case. And at some point, when him and I were alone in the lobby, Jay looked at me and he goes, do you think they're using pregnancy tests instead of fentanyl test strips to test our urine right now? And I said, why do you say that? He said, well, you know, when you do a pregnancy test and you get a negative result, it's the same amount of lines that would be a positive result on a fentanyl test strip. Like, they read opposite of each other. So say it's two lines for a positive pregnancy test and one line for negative. If you do fentanyl test strips in urine, it's one line for positive, two lines for negative. He's like, I bet you they were using pregnancy tests and dipping those instead of the fentanyl ones, and that's why they're saying that. I was like, that's a really good theory. That's really possible. I don't know. And we thought. And sat. Sat on that for a little bit. And then by the time we were kind of like, I don't know, maybe somebody came out and they gave us two options. They said, you can go back to sl. We can take you back there, or you can take all your and hit the street. And we were like, we'll go back to SL then, because I don't know this neighborhood. And also we have, like, five bags each that we'd be. Be lugging around. Like, I'm not doing that. That sounds unrealistic. So we ended up doing that. When we got to sl, we did a urine screening. The minute we got there, the house manager that was there at this point did her urine test, and she, like, went to go do the fentanyl test strips. And she did it, and she's showed me it, and it was completely cleared. It was not positive at all. Come to find out later, we came across somebody that was at Maps with us as, like, a client. And then she said, oh, my God, I'm so sorry about what happened to you guys at Maps. I heard about that, and I heard the techs talking. She said, you know, they faked your test, right? We're like, yeah, we think so. Like, how do you mean, though? How do you know this? She said, I overheard the staff talking to each other outside of the tech office. Like, one of the staff said, hey, aren't those pregnancy tests? And the other one said, yeah, like, don't worry about that. Don't worry about it. It's fine. We a hundred percent were, like, definitely right about that. When we got back out, we got back in contact with Sissy, and we started seeing Sissy again. At this point, it's, like, February, because we spent the entire month of January at Maps. Sissy is doing a A. She starts, like, getting involved with this guy Aaron. Jay gets a job at another phone room. And then Sissy convinces Aaron to sponsor J and A. And things are, like, looking really good. And then ends up getting a room to rent. I end up applying for jobs around this time, too. I was doing a couple interviews that day for jobs, and I leave my first interview, and I get a text from Jay saying's in the hospital right now, and she's not breathing. I started racking my brain, like, why could that happen? What happened there? So I responded, I called him, and I was like, should I not go to my second interview? Like, do you want me to meet you at the hospital? What should I do right now? He said, no, don't worry about it. Erin's gonna take me to the hospital to go see her. Go to your second interview. I'll let you know what happens when I get there. So I get out of my second interview, and then I went to one of the houses that I knew. Like, one of the clients there, Debbie. Her and I were friends. And I went to Debbie, and I told her what he had messaged me about what was going on with Sissy. And I was like, it's really weird. I don't. I don't understand what could have happened for her to be on, like, a breathing tube and if she's gonna be okay. And as I'm, like, talking to her about this, he, of all things, like, texts me about it, but he may have not been able to speak. But I just get a text, and I look at it, and all of it says, it's like, she's dead. Yeah. So I get. I get that text from him, and my immediate reaction, I just immediately, like, hit the floor, like, knees to the floor, and was fully panicked. I felt like. Like the world was, like, spinning. I started sobbing, and Debbie's like, what is wrong? What's going on? And I just handed her my phone. Like, I couldn't get the words out to explain what happened. I felt so, like, thrown off by it. Like, such a surprise and so shocking because, like, things were going okay prior to that, and I thought. I thought everything was fine with her. All of us did. And for her to just randomly die, it was really alarming. When I Showed her what happened. Debbie called the house manager that we had, like, basically lets her know what had happened and that I need a ride to the hospital. I remember the house manager's, like, girlfriend was also in the car, and they were like, do you have any particular music you want to listen to? And I was like, I don't care, Honestly, I actually don't. Nothing would be nice. I get to the hospital, and she is still in the room, and Jay and Aaron are in the lobby, and just everybody's a mess. And Jay, like, the doctors come out and stuff, and they say, like, do you want to see her before we take her down to the morgue? And Jay was like, yes. And Aaron was like, yes. And I said, yes. And they both looked at me and they were like, no, you need to stay back. And I understood for Jay to say that, but for Aaron to say that, I was really confused because this man knew her for all of, like, three weeks to a month prior. And I understood that he was into her and that he wanted to date her, but he didn't know her like, that he didn't know her family. I'm not gonna say, like, I knew her like, so amazingly and as if we were, like, childhood friends that grew up together, but, like, I knew her much better than he did. That was one of my best friends at that time. That was one of my only friends. And I didn't really feel like I had the voice for myself to say anything about it, but I was really thrown off, and I was like, what the. Like, okay. The cops said they found, like, cocaine or something in her wallet at the time that they found her body. They found, like, drugs on her. I think they found three different types of fentanyl in her. So I presume either she got dope and it had a lot of fentanyl on it, and her tolerance wasn't very high anymore, or she got coke, and that had a bunch of fentanyl in it. And again, she didn't have an opiate tolerance to be doing fentanyl the day after or the day we left after that, the day of. Upon leaving there, Aaron, being the person that he is or was looked at, Jay and I and was like, we need to go to a meeting immediately leaving the hospital. We need to go to an AA meeting. And I was just so, like, disgusted by the fact that the first reaction you have of your, I supposed, sponsee the person that you're supposed to be, like, mentoring and guiding is like, take them to a room full of people that are talking about vulnerable things after a sister died just hours ago, instead of letting him go and like, grieve in peace. And we went to this meeting and everybody, like in aa, a lot of time people go around and share and they give you opportunities to like, share about like your woes and your troubles. And Aaron, it came around to him and he said something along the lines of, yeah, my girlfriend just died today, so I'm here with her brother and it's my sponsy. And we're here because we want to make sure that we're all on. We're all on track and not going to relapse as a result of this. And I was just floored by the fact that in a room full of people, as soon as she died, he felt so comfortable being like, that was my girlfriend. They never dated. She. I've talked to her about that before. And I asked like, did you. Are you like, into him? Do you? And she's like, no, I like him. He's cool. But like, not like that. She had no interest in that. And he immediately took on the role of the grieving boyfriend, their mom. And so Jay and mom and their aunt drove down to get her stuff. We did like a like makeshift, like memorial thing for all the people that knew her from being in treatment with her for like the last year. It was like throwing roses into the. The intercoastal, like Waterway where all the boats go. And we had like a like vigil basically. And Aaron kind of introduced himself to her family that he again, never met as the boyfriend, to which they were like, I've never even heard of your existence. What is going on? It was really weird. They were like, very confused as. As I was. But none of us like had the nerve to say anything, I think because everybody was just grieving and very confused as it was that. That as he was saying these things and internally we were like, what the is happening? We also were just didn't. We just didn't know how to confront that really. In the first week of March, it was established for her funeral arrangements. They ended up having to ship her body back up to Ohio. And it's not the first and only time I've ever heard of that happening. A lot of the people that I went to treatment with in that time time have died since then or died in that time. It's definitely the closest one to like, me in my personal relationships. But usually it's how it ends up going is if people don't do the cremation on the spot, there Or a cremation. They end up doing shipping them and setting up arrangements from there. So they ended up doing that. And Jay was supposed to ride with his mom and his aunt back to Ohio for the funeral. Funeral. But Aaron offered to drive us because Aaron wanted to come. And then my mom and dad were gonna buy me a plane ticket. And I was like, I'll just ride with Jay and Aaron. Like, that's fine. And it'll just save some money. It'll save some time. Like, don't worry about that. So they're like, okay, we can throw him some gas money. When you guys get up here, though, for, like, the fact that he brought you to a few days before we left, I, like, begged Debbie to come too. You know, she. Her and I were friends. She was with me when I found out that news and was really supportive with me in that time frame. Like, we were spending a lot of time together, and I felt like that was a really good, genuine friend to have in my circle, and I needed that support. So I begged her to come with me. So we all drove up there. As soon as we get up there too. Jay was, like, not present. He was not physically anywhere. He showed up and then started immediately going out with people. He was hitting up his friends, going out, having drinks. I came to find out a little bit later. Like, I had an inkling about some of what he was doing, but I found out fully what he was doing later. He was going on Tinder and matching with girls and going on Tinder dates up there while I was with his family putting together flower arrangements for his sister's future funeral. And that, to me, was just very confusing. I get it. That everybody grieves differently, but I really didn't understand why. At some point, I got really suspicious of, like, what the was going on. And I had his Snapchat, like, username and password saved. And I didn't like to creep on his stuff because, like, it's an invasion of privacy. And I'm very aware. Aware of that. But I was like, I don't care. I'm doing it this time, and I'm gonna see if I can find any information out. So I did. And I found as I'm at his grandmother's house with his whole family, Debbie's there too. Aaron's there too, and we're putting together flower arrangements and talking all about and how great she was. I go on his Snapchat account on my phone, and I see these messages between him and Debbie and the entire trip that we were on for this funeral, they're just, like, sexting the entire trip, sending nudes back and forth, talking about how they are going to hook up and X, Y, and Z. He sent him center, like, videos of him and I. And I was very, very confused on, like, what the purpose of that part was. And I was just really distraught. I ended up going into the bathroom and was just sobbing. And Debbie came up to the door and was like, what's wrong? Are you okay? This and that. And I was so angry with her. I've never been in a fight in my life. And I was just very prepared to, like, punch her in the face. At that point. She came in and I confronted her to the best of my ability. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You're sick. And I told her what I saw, and she was like, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Can I hug you? I'm so sorry. I said, don't even fucking touch me. If you to me, I will beat the brakes off of you. In his grandma's house. I do not care right now. You don't even deserve to be here right now. Like, I am horrified with this. And on top of that, her and Aaron were, like, flirting the entire trip. And, like, we're fooling around the entire trip. So it was kind of just like, at that point, it felt like, okay, you're just here to everybody, and that's what this event is about. Meanwhile, the rest of us, or at least some of us, are here for funeral. At that point, it felt like I was the only one who was seriously there with a purpose, because I had Jay up there going on dates, doing all this shit while his family's dealing with the aftermath. Debbie trying to sleep with both guys that are up on this trip with us. And then Aaron playing the grieving boyfriend despite the fact that he wasn't a boyfriend at all and barely knew her. Looking at myself, I'm like, I'm just here. I'm just here in the middle of all this, and I don't even want to be here. We even, like, went to the. The house where AA started, because it's in Akron and I'd never been there any other time in my life. And it's like a museum. And we went, and Aaron knew that Jay was, like, drinking and stuff and getting high on the trip. And I told him, like, hey, you know this is happening, right? We're doing an abstinence only program. So, like, Maybe you need to start him over on a step work. And he goes, oh, no, we're doing our third step prayer here. Because when else can I say that I've done that at the actual house where it started? I can't wait to tell everybody at the meetings I go to about this. I'm like, okay, so you're not doing this for this person's benefit. You're doing it because you want to look cool in this, like, realm of AA rooms. So it's like everybody's. Everybody's intentions were just really fucking confusing. I ended up getting high again that night. I was super dead set on, like, I'm gonna find some dope, and hopefully if I do it, it kills me. So I ended up reaching out to some girl that used to be friends with Sissy, and I got her to come pick me up. And I had money, so I got her to pick me up. We went and picked up drugs, and then we got high all night. And this was the day before the funeral. We're just getting high all night together. I came back home, not even home, but I came back to Jay's mom's house to sleep for a couple hours before the funeral. I ended up taking some because I got heroin that was just powdered. So I ended up taking some of it back with me and then went to the funeral the next day and was going into the bathroom at this Catholic church funeral and just sniffing down lines of dope at this funeral, which felt really wrong and it felt really, like, sick and twisted because, like, I knew that she passed from that very kind of thing. And I was just out there getting high as if it was like, no, no biggie. But I genuinely just really didn't give a About my well being. And I knew my tolerance was so low that I'm like, if this kills me, I might just not have to worry about much anymore. I rode back down with Aaron and Debbie, and they confronted me about the fact that I was getting high because it was kind of obvious. When I explained to him, like, that was happening and why it was happening, they were kind of just like, but you don't have any drugs on you right now, right? He said, no. They said, good, I'm not driving you back there without. With drugs on you. It was, like, kind of blase to them. Like, they didn't really give a. And that felt super, super defeating. And I was just really. Yeah. Just really disturbed and upset by the fact that they just really didn't give a. Yeah. I ended up getting back to sleep at this point, I'm like, okay. Jay and I are, like, over. There's no way that we're still dating with all that going on. Like, he doesn't. He kind of, like, ghosted me in the relationship anyway. He wasn't even really talking to me at that point. So when Jay gets back, like, him and I are not really on talking terms. I think he ended up moving to a different property, too. At the same time, too. The house manager that I had, Jill was. She was really opinionated on what everybody was doing. But at some point, I realized, like, I don't feel safe with myself. I feel like I need to go somewhere. And I told Jill that I came up to her. I think I went to her room or something, and I was like, hey, I need to talk to you about this. Like, I don't feel safe. Can you take me somewhere? I need to go to, like, a hospital or something. And I need, like, further, like, watched in, like, treatment in that sense. Her reaction was so bothered, she immediately sighed and was like. Looked at the time. It was, like, midnight. And she's like, like, right now? Like, are you sure? Like, you need this right now? And I was like, yes, I need help right now. She's like, okay. Like, I know it's kind of late, so, like, we'll see what we can do. I just took that as, like, she doesn't really give a If anything happens to me at all. So I took all the medication that I was taking at the time. It was just, like, heart medication because my heart rate was still really high. Seeing, like, heart medication that's supposed to slow it down. Anxiety medication and, like, antidepressants. It was, like, a few versions of them, and I just locked myself in the bathroom, and I ate all of them, and I think down, like, four tubes of, like, four bottles of medication, and I threw them straight in the trash. And meanwhile. And Jill's like, hey, are you good in there? This and that. I'm not responding. She hears, like, water running and stuff, and she starts pounding on the door. And I'd eaten all of them, and it was just like, whatever. And I walked out, and she was like, what the. And I walked past her, and she walks into the bathroom. As I walk past her, sees all them in the trash and freaks out. She's. What the did you do? Oh, my God. And then that got her moving. And in my brain, my intention with that was, like. Part of me was like, okay, this is gonna do one of two things. This is either gonna get me to where I need to go quicker or it's gonna kill me. And either one I'm fine with. So as long as I get one of those out of this, I'm either gonna get to a hospital or I'm gonna die. Then mission accomplished. They got me to the hospital. I sat outside and started smoking a cigarette. Immediately started throwing some of those pills up. And it was so painful. Felt like my insights were just searing. I don't know if it's like the combination of things or what, but it was like my inner body was just like on fire. And the ambulance came and it was so fucking embarrassing. It was really embarrassing. So I was like in my jammies and they came and they like, strapped me to, like, the gurney. And the people that were living in the complex too, like, the other clients came out and they were like, what's going on? It was like, serious. But I was like, this is awful. I shouldn't have done this. I end up going to the hospital and hallucinating heavily, as in the icu. And. And I thought I was in like a military, like, bunker and there was bombs going on. I also kept on having these very, like, lucid dreams that I kept on believing that I was being visited at the hospital, that Jay and Aaron and Debbie and a bunch of other people were visiting me at the hospital. And every. Every time I had this, like, dream, whatever, Jay would die in all the dreams and he would be overdosing and die at the hospital and nobody would do anything about it. And it started to really freak me out. And I thought it was real because it seemed really real. And at some point, like, I had had these people baby, like babysitters essentially, that, you know, you can't be in a hospital like that and not get 24 hour supervision. So I had these people supervising me. I'm having these, like, hallucinations. And I, like, was convinced that he died. And I was over here just crying and grieving. And this lady finally looked at me one day and she's like, listen, you're fine. Nobody's came to visit you. I don't mean to, like, rain on your parade or like, I hope this helps more than it hurts. But, like, nobody's come and visit you. Whatever you are imagining to be true is not. You are here, you're in the hospital, you've been in the hospital. And none of those people that you think died at the hospital, none of this stuff happened, which kind of eased my mind a little bit. But it also, like, was scary to think that I had such an intense, like, hallucination and, like, lucid dreams that I genuinely thought it was happening. They kept on giving me a catheter, and there's two types. There's, like, the one that stays in all the time, and then there's, like, the one and done disposable ones. And I couldn't use the bedpan because willing myself to, like, pee while laying in a bed felt, like, impossible. So they're like, we'll just do a catheter. It's fine. And the first couple times, they did it just because I was not lucid, so they needed to make sure, like, I could relieve myself, but I wasn't, like, understanding anything. And then after, like, a couple times, I was still not fully in it, and they give me the catheter a few more times, and I started becoming convinced that my nurse was molesting me. She wasn't. She was literally just trying to, like, insert the catheter properly. And I think from doing it so much time, there was, like, swelling and occurring. When I got out of the hospital, it was kind of a fight to get back to SL because I was told that there was, like, this impression that I didn't want to come back and that I wasn't allowed back until I talked to, like, the owner, Bob, and was like, no, like, I wanted to come back. All my is there. My phone is still there and everything. Like, I have intentions to come back. He's like, okay, cool. I ended up in the ICU for some odd days, probably three or four days. And I ended up in the mental health, like, hold for, like, three or four days. It was like a whole week or so. And then I got back to sl, but I was not talking to Jay at all after that. He also started walking around showing people his phone one day, and I get told by this dude, like, hey, I heard you're on pornhub. I was like, I'm sorry. I don't know if I could say a name like that on here. Okay. He's like, oh, yeah, I saw a video of you on pornhub. I was like, what the are you talking about? I never put anything up there. I don't know of this. And he said, yeah, Jay's walking around right now, and he's showing everybody a video of you on there. And it turns out he downloaded a couple videos of me and put them up other and was showing everybody to describe me in the title. He called me a chubby teen. I ended up telling Bob and, like, some of the Other staff about it, sent them in a group chat and group message and was like, what is this? Like, because this is not okay. I'm gonna leave if this doesn't stop. I also went to the police, and they basically told me I couldn't do about it. Like, you have to file a lawsuit when it comes to that. Like, they were like, we can't press charges. You have to too. So they threatened to kick him out. They said, if you don't, like, take this down, we'll kick you out. So he took it down so we wouldn't get kicked out. He ended up, like, apologizing to me by sending me, like, edible arrangement, like, chocolate covered strawberries in the mail. Even though we lived in the same facility. He sent me them in the mail with a note in it that quite literally only said the word sorry. Nothing else. Just said sorry with chocolates. And I was like, not a very strong apology. So how long in total were you in these facilities? Of each one or in general? In general, two years. Okay, so this is. All of this happened in a span of a year, which is like, a lot in a short time. So when I left the hospital after that suicide attempt, I got my first job in, like, over a year. After I got that job in April, Jay and I ended up getting back together. He apologized, we started talking again. I don't know, for whatever reason, like, something in me was like, we can get back together now. It's been enough time. It'd only been, like, a couple months, but enough time for me. And then Jay ended up getting kicked out of SL for not going to his therapist appointments or whatever. And he left and went to this other place, Academy. He went to this place and was telling me how awesome it was and how it's so, so cool. And he gets about weed there, and there's all this freedom. I was like, oh, maybe. Maybe I'll go. When I left, Bob sent me this, like, really nasty message about, like, you're going and following Jay all around again. Good luck. That place is a flop. It sucks, so have fun with that. And I was just kind of like, all right, you, buddy. My. My sponsor, my AA sponsor was also like, kind of like your making a bad decision. I kind of just decided to drop that sponsorship situation altogether after that. And I went to academy in April. I stayed there from April of 2019 until July of 2020. I also, like, didn't get any more antidepressants or anxiety medication. That was like a pattern with having suicidal tendencies, as I would usually take that route of just taking all my medication. So in my mind, I was like, this is probably better if I just don't take any of these. And I work on it through therapy and, like, other routes and maybe just use, like, weed as an alternative. And it worked. I mean, I still smoke weed to this day in the point of recovery that I'm at. And despite the fact that a lot of people wouldn't consider that valid because it's not like abstinence based, I've haven't done any other drugs since March 8th of 2019. I've been in recovery for over five years. So to me, it counts. Thank you. And then July of 2019, my great grandma passed away. When I found out she had passed away, I was really upset, rightfully so. And Jay's entire reaction to that was, how do you think I feel? My sister just died a few months ago. You think. You think your grandma dying is means anything? My sister's dead, which is really defeating. Like, having a support person that's supposed to be supportive, like, basically invalidating my grief. My family flew me back up to do a memorial service for my grandma, and that was the first time I'd seen, like, all of my family in a long time. And then Thanksgiving that year in 2019, I also came up and visited my family as a surprise. I had some extra money, and that was, like, so exciting. It felt really good to be able to come up there and be like, surprise, I'm here for the holiday. Everybody cried. It was really beautiful. I think my sister took like a video and it was just really sweet. March of 2020, everything shut down for the pandemic. So when that happened, I ended up out of work. Jay had a job that he was not able to work at either. We both worked in restaurants. So during this whole time, my family's like, living their own life, and my sister is, like, pregnant and engaged and stuff. And like, in a relationship like that formed when I wasn't even around. So then in March of the same year, my youngest niece was born. And I didn't get to meet her until later, but it was really exciting. I was like, I have a whole other niece and she's really far away, but it's exciting. Around this whole time while I'm at Academy, I get back in touch with Paul. Him and I weren't talking for a while because we had the falling out before I went to Florida. Him and I finally got back in touch and we were talking pretty regularly. Like, he was like one of my best friends. And, like, one of my best support people to talk to in this time. A weekend went by and I didn't hear from him. Him. And I noticed our Snapchat streak ended, and he wasn't responding my text or anything. When I called, he didn't respond. And I was like, this is really weird. This is really eerie. Something's off. I messaged his mom, and I was like, is everything okay with Paul? She messages me back. Something along the lines of, like, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but, like, Paul died on Thursday, and that felt, like, extra insane. Like, it was really unexpected. Like, I spent so much time talking to Paul about, like, how I was doing all these things to help keep myself from dying and being in this scary place. And I was so convinced for a long time that it would be me and that he, like, wasn't at risk so heavily, only to find out that, like, that wasn't the case at all. He passed away on, like, a Thursday, and it was very quiet. I. When I found out about that, Jay was, like, fighting with our roommates, and they were all screaming at each other. And I just came out and was sobbing, and he thought I was crying about the fighting. And he was like, I was your problem. Problem. And I was like, paul's dead. And he knew Paul, so he was like, what? What the. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know what happened, but Paul's dead. And it was really isolating, like, grieving his death down there. I didn't have any friends like that knew him to talk to about it. Everything was very competitive with grief. With a lot of people, if you brought up like, oh, I had a friend die. I had a friend die, too, too. It's life that happens is just very, very isolating. And it didn't help being with somebody like Jay, who anytime I would be grieving about something after his sister died, the focal point was about dying. And my grief was like, not. It didn't count for anything. I kind of just trudged on and was like, okay, I'm just gonna keep on doing what I'm doing and try to stay safe. And I'm just not. I'm not going to do any of this again. And I'm. I'm gonna just try to stay, like, normal and live, like, my life the way that I feel is healthiest. July of 2020, a news article came out, and it was the owners of Academy where I was staying for the last year, mug shots of them getting arrested. They were arrested for Something in revolving around, like, events that occurred in 2018 or 2017 before I was there with, like, receiving kickbacks or whatever for the, like, urinalysis test. Everybody, everybody at the facility that was as a patient or client there, like, found out immediately. And we're looking at the staff like, okay, like, they got arrested. Like, now what. What is going to happen to all of us? What is going to happen to you? What's going to happen to this place? The staff was also just like, we don't know. And I've seen that happen before where places got shut down, and then there's this, like, time frame of unknowing. And then usually the Department for Children, Families and, like, the sheriff's apartment would come and shut it down. So I was like, okay, at any point now, we could be asked to leave and told that we have to go. So just a heads up, I might have to leave this place. So everybody was prepared already. And about a week later, I woke up at, like, noon, and I woke up to one of the behavioral health texts that I, like, known that worked there, like, the whole time. She woke me up and she was like, girl, you're still sleeping. Did nobody wake you up? And I was like, no. What's going on? She's like, I'm so sorry. My shift just started. I would have woke you up sooner if I knew. She's like, the sheriff's apartment's here. She gave me, like, trash bags. She's like, they're all here right now. You guys have until 5 o'clock and everybody needs to get out. And Jay was at work, and it's like, noon. We have five hours. We've been there for a year. We had so much stuff. We both had, like, bicycles in the living room, all of these clothes, all these belongings. They were like, case workers or social workers were outside, like, giving Narcan to people in, like, the worst way, though. They were, like, hollering to everybody, hey, do you want some Narcan in case you relapse? Jay got out of work and came and helped me pack. And we were thinking about maybe we should go to this one place that everybody's going to. Maybe we should go this other place. And then, then after thinking about it, we were like, let's just go back home. We've done this for long enough. We've been in and out of every place in the world. We've lived in the same halfway house for a year. Technically, we shouldn't even be here anymore. Let's just go back home and I called my parents that day, and I told them, like, it's time.